WDWDY #15: The Champignon's League

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it.

And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Daugherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

one two three four five six

seven eight nine ten do you want to carry on i'm recording it okay that's how we should start maybe because because my son is learning counting we could get into that market you know some people say this podcast is too niche and so if we just add an educational element into it could help welcome everybody to midweek mayhem from the people who brought you what did you do yesterday.

It's a similar

podcast.

David O'Doherty is there.

Hello, David.

Welcome to series one, episode 1000.

It's a big one.

It's the Millennium Episode.

It is.

So we've got Lorraine Kelly, Bruce Forsyth, and Les Dawson.

Oh, my God.

Through the magic of AI, we have various guests.

We have a medium, and Lorraine is disappointed that she is saying, why am I the only living person who's been invited onto this?

But that's just the way the booking works for this show.

I once did a UK tour, and you're always interested in who is at roughly the same level as me, who's playing these rooms.

And it's particularly disappointing when it's a cover band.

Yeah.

You know, especially one doing multiple nights because you're still not as big as not Fleetwood Mac.

Was it Mace of Bass where would

cover everyone in mace and hold maces, but still sing all that she wants.

And I saw the sign, of course.

Medieval reenactment versions of Ace of Bass.

When my mother got her last car,

a 2003 Yaris,

the cassette player was...

I think it's called Happy Nation, the Ace of Bass album on cassette.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I listened to the weird, sort of wonky ska reggae.

Anyway, I did this tour of the UK, and almost every night, the next night after me was Psychic Sally.

Yeah, good old Psychic Sally.

It was like

she was following me on the tour.

Is she like the Poundland Mystic Meg?

Yes.

I believe there was an incident with Psychic Sally at her gig in Dublin where people who were sat near the back near a box could hear what Psychic Sally was about to say moments before spoken by a man in the box who was obviously checking people's Facebook pages and cross-referencing them with the names on the credit card details.

And I think after that, Psychic Sally had to have a sort of disclaimer on her poster that was like not actually magic just for entertainment purposes

just really fucking nosy

my point is if I was doing two nights in Nottingham Psychic Sally would be doing two nights in Nottingham if I was doing three nights at Aberdeen she'd be doing three nights at Aberdeen and then I after the UK tour went to Australia and New Zealand to do some gigs there and who is on stopping granted the week after me but psychic sally same thing two nights in adelaide you know what i mean one night in sydney and then in brisbane it was all square after this tour and then they'd put a sign up that said a second night of psychic sally has been added due to but the line was unprecedented demand which you would think is the one thing Psychic Sally would she could use her skills to organize the tour Totally precedented demand, obviously.

Hey, first of all, you know, we must congratulate Mars Barr again on getting engaged.

Ed Carter says, Marsbar, what a guy.

Tamzin says, just listening, and you're both saying congratulations to Mars Bar, but absolutely no mention that she said yes.

You might want to check that.

So to anyone who missed that episode, our producer, Mars Barr, said, hey, I'll do my yesterday.

And we were like, all right, okay, fine.

Slightly mystified as to why he was so enthusiastic to do it.

And then it turned out the day before, he had proposed on top of the Empire State Bill, Concrete Jungle, where dreams are made of.

Actually, when you said,

Is she king?

That was a funny line.

That was very funny.

Yak Alasari says, very romantic romantic episode, but with the right amount of loo discussions for it to be what did you do yesterday?

The funny thing is,

we've tried to move away from that.

But what is apparent is either it's our fault or that just life always ends up back in the toilet.

Well, it does.

It does.

And as O'Brien said, people seem reluctant to talk about fiddling with themselves

on the podcast, but they love talking about shitting.

Reggie says, I just finished listening to the Rob Beckett episode.

I was left feeling that maybe everyone needs to treat this a little bit more professionally.

Drinking or drug taking on the job seems a tad irresponsible.

Everyone seemed a little bit off.

In particular, David seemed to be slurring his words.

What?

I wholeheartedly apologize for this judgment.

It was only after the next podcast had started that I realized something was wrong, and somehow I was listening on 0.75 speed.

That must have been a bumper-long episode to listen to, then.

Yeah, just imagine.

Just imagine.

I mean, they're too long as it is.

Don't slow them down, for goodness sake.

Reggie in Bulara, Victoria, Australia.

I presume you've played the RSL there at some point, David.

This is from Matt, who says it's an iTunes review.

It's mainly about me.

Says Max Rushton and Media Powerhouse.

Oh, yeah.

A number of years ago, I was compelled to text into Talksport to congratulate Max on his broadcasting talents after on consecutive days he proclaimed, elephants are big and giraffes are tall.

Is this your son?

Is this a message from

Ian?

Ian?

I was excited to see that he'd started a new podcast, but was deeply concerned that a number of years later, the magic he had previously delivered on Talksport may have diminished.

I needn't have worried.

He's exactly as insightful as he once was.

No more, no less.

Can you remember the context in which you uttered these incredible...

What will be your epitaph?

Elephants are big.

Giraffes are tall.

I've always thought, you know, I'm Urbane, you know, I can be one of those guys that gives lectures.

And there it is.

It's a sort of Bloomsbury set-type dinner and everyone's sitting around

and you uh take a sip from your uh coop of champagne and put it down well of course

as they always say elephants are big giraffes are tall and then have another sip and everyone nods and goes oh yeah

the man talks sense he really does we must have him to ours for dinner too absolutely right

Sam says, hi Max and David, you wanted to know what listeners did when listening to your episodes.

Yesterday I was listening to your podcast while projectile vomiting into a toilet due to gastroenteritis.

I then proceeded into a cycle of throwing up and micro-sleeping for 10 minutes, all whilst listening to your soothing voices.

Overall, I would recommend your podcast to any friend with gastroenteritis.

I hear it's being prescribed in some cameras.

But would you end my yesterday after my first micro sleep or force me to describe each bout until I finally fell asleep for good if I were your guest?

Oh, there is part of me that would love to get someone on the day after a bout of food poisoning.

Like, I think it would be such a funny episode.

Like, fair play to them if they said, Look, here's what I woke up.

My stomach had gone.

Oh, it'd be fun.

It does remind me of one of the very first ever peak performance type clips that went around Instagram,

which is some business bro talking about how he gets up at 3 a.m.

and he works until 8, I think, straight through.

And he says, so before you've even got up, I've worked a full day.

And then he has his breakfast.

He has like a deer or something for breakfast.

And then a live deer, of course.

He works nine to five.

So he's got two days in.

Well, you've just got one, but then preposterously, he has his dinner and then works like six to midnight.

Like, there's a terrible flaw in this.

But he's working three days for every one day you work, and that's why he has such an impractical watch on.

Ian says, it's written J-A-N, but pronounced Ian.

Hi, gentlemen.

I live in Prague, where for two years I had a personal trainer in a gym who also could not count.

he would also tell me to do 12 reps and after I'd already done 13 he would say 11

all the time as Czechs usually do know how to count I'm wondering whether this is some secret method talk to personal trainers in courses to make their clients go the extra three reps it sort of reminds me of when you're encouraging a child to eat more of their boring dinner and you say three more bites yeah you know what i mean and then they are like i had three more bites and you're like no no no another three like is it just that i mean maybe it's why ian spelt like jan is so ripped possible jonathan and deal says hi guys just paused midweek mayhem after david's hand luggage confession At the turn of the century, a bunch of us flew EasyJet from Gatty, he says, Gatty, chaps, we go to Gatty, from Gatty to Ibiza.

The mission was to theme up privilege the world's biggest club.

Okay, so they were doing something.

We had about 100 kilos of decorations and tools and not much money to pay for excess baggage.

Yeah.

I feel pretty safe in saying neither David or I ever went to privilege the world's biggest nightclub.

It would not have been a privilege, I'd like to point out.

Although I once did have a very good night in a nightclub in Prague that was known as the largest nightclub in Middle Europe.

Oh, yeah.

Just by the Charles Bridge.

You know, the one by the Charles Bridge?

I was too scared to go into it.

Yeah, it was big.

It was big.

Yeah.

I can't guarantee, I've not been to all the clubs in Middle Europe to know.

I'm imagining Ace of Base was playing when you went in.

Oh, if it was, I was happy.

Anyway, Jonathan continues.

We didn't have a lot of money to pay for excess baggage, but it turns out surfboards go for a set 20 quid.

So we crammed all our stuff into a surfboard bag.

It took two of us to push our baggage trolley with the board bag laying across it and the wheels squeaking in pain.

We had to clean and jerk it onto the conveyor belt.

At the other end, two guys manhounded it out of the back, puffing and sweating.

I don't know if anyone was looking into the x-ray machine, watching pliers, screwdrivers, drills, surfboard-shaped pieces of plywood going past.

It must have been like a combo of the generation game and DIY SOS, it says.

So good.

We got away with it, though, saving hundreds of pounds.

Same happened on the return journey.

Shout out to Trace and Rupert.

Thank you, Jonathan, for that.

It was a wild era.

I remember taking my bike on some flights around that time where

they would be like, oh, a bike, £100,

please.

And you would just, you appeared like a student because that's what you looked like.

And you'd also just go, could I please not pay that?

And the person would be like, very well.

You know, I feel there was more of a lax attitude to it as opposed to now where, I don't know, it's rare that you can sweet talk anyone into doing anything what a sad thought you can't just slip someone a fiver and go I said I'd like the pink biscuits five pounds please take this huge bag of heroin on board for me

Georgie Bingham the broadcaster says I break my Twitter hiatus to inform you that I was under the impression that hose pipes sprinkling water in the landing zone of a high diver is so they can see where the water level actually is on their way down you You were suggesting something else, David.

Yeah, I was suggesting it keeps the water moving such that it's not as hard to hit then if you happen to belly flop or whatever.

Shall I look it up?

Hang on.

No, no.

No.

Finally, before we go on to the cheese game, this is from, how do I pronounce the...

Oh, Emma.

I know how to pronounce this.

Sorry.

M-I-P-M-M-A.

Because it's an Irish.

These Irish names.

No idea how to say them.

Emma?

Emma.

Good morning, gentlemen.

I hope this email finds you both fit and well.

I'm contacting you regarding your request for information on where people listen to the podcast.

I listen to Midweek Mayhem, this one, on my drive to work.

Said work is teaching singing to an order of monks in an idyllic monastery in rural Ireland.

I find the podcast puts me in a suitably reflective mood before entering the monastery, which, to be honest, is a slice of heaven on earth, just like yourselves.

Wow.

Emma English, and then it says Barion Ard Skoyel Chiol Chathair Luime Nig.

Should I send that to you?

Should I post that to you?

It sounds like she's saying like Liminok, which is like Limerick in Irish, Oskoy Elga.

So, yeah.

I mean, I've put it in the WhatsApp group.

Oh my goodness.

Do I have to?

So I wasn't allowed to Google why high divers have Skull Keol,

which is the singing school, and Kocharlimnig, which is the city of Limerick.

There we go.

My Irish is not good, but I was able to translate that.

It's okay.

O'Brien and the Helencopter both have good Irish to the point where they sometimes speak Irish to each other, probably saying stuff about me.

Wow.

Can you imagine?

Do you think they're in a WhatsApp group together, O'Brien and the Helencopter?

Do you worry about them?

I wouldn't say so.

No.

They both went to the same affiliated secondary school.

So

I think they reminisce about teachers and stuff like that.

Ah, okay.

I didn't know that.

And now, before we play Who Wants to Burry a Millionaire, Amanda in Heathmont says, with the title Who Wants to Bury a Millionaire, as I sat in bed at 6 a.m.

with a cup of coffee and the latest episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?, I unconsciously punched the air and laughed out loud to find the third cheese fourth in place in the dod cheese board had been successfully guessed i was then plunged into a state of concern fearful that dod might be allowed to give a clue to the remaining two cheeses thereby potentially cutting short what is perhaps tragically the highlight of my week

i have bought all the so far revealed cheeses and look forward to the day hopefully within the expiry date when i can finally assemble the famed five cheese board if dod could please go into detail on any accoutrements, pickles, etc., to complete the final presentation, legions of fans would be most grateful.

No guesses from me.

I'm just in it for the thrills.

Perhaps my favorite message from anyone, Amanda and Heathmont.

Thank you, Amanda.

Guess the accoutrements will be the next game after

who wants to be a Pre-A Millionaire?

And it was a can of WD40 and a boxing glove.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Ivy Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Okay,

it's time to play Curdle Masterrinds.

What did Y-Fon do yesterday?

Who wants to be a millionaire?

Five.

Four.

three

two

one

It is still a two cheese board, isn't it?

Last week, Helen guests Cashel Blue, Manchego, Reblichon, Compta, and Goat.

Yes.

And Goat was right cheese wrong place, if I remember correctly.

Was it?

Okay, but it's Comte is right cheese right place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it's still a two cheese board, but presumably, if the person was listening correctly, they just will move Goat into the right position.

So I'm expecting to end in a one cheese board by the end of this, at the very least.

This could be the moment, guys.

I don't know if we're going to get a bajoing.

You were, before we came on air, talking to producer Will, who is sitting in for Mars Bar, who's in marital bliss.

And you were talking about whether the transcript, you were talking about how do you spell bajoing.

This is your idle chit-chat before we actually do the podcast.

Hey, Will, how do you think you spell the joying?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I don't know.

To the listeners, there's a strange moment just before we record this because inevitably Max appears, his little jovial face on the recording, and then he goes, I have to do a wee.

Max goes off, but he's still got his earpods in.

So he, although he can't contribute to the chat, it's important to remember not to say anything rude about Max because he's listening.

Yeah, I was worried that it would toggle to microphone and my earpods and then you'd hear me doing a wee, but it doesn't.

Like Police Academy.

Yeah.

Okay, so this week it is the turn of Mark Dossett in Cambridge.

Ah, one of my people.

The mean streets of CB1.

I hope you got out like I did, Mark, because it's a tough place to grow up.

What are they called again?

What's the nickname of the Cambridge football team?

The Hughes.

The Hughes.

The Ewes.

Meh.

As I've said before, David, and, you know, I'm a man of the people.

Life was tough.

We didn't even have a full-size harp in the music room.

Okay.

Should a pity little thing.

It was terribly out of tune most of the time.

Anyway, Mark says, love the podcast.

I'm reluctantly submitting a cheese guess as a part of me never wants it to end.

But if it inevitably is going to, I'd like to be the one who closes out the feature and becomes the first and probably only Curdle Hall of Fame member.

There's going to be a prize.

Max, there's going to be a prize for this.

I said this on micro.

I don't think Mars Bar loved that.

That

I was offering a Nissan Micro as the prize.

What about two tickets, VIP tickets, to our first ever live show?

What?

Wow.

This is news to me.

Depends what VIP is, and we haven't booked it yet, but we're thinking about it.

VIP, would we want them to meet?

Would we want them in the green room before the show?

Or would that be too much?

We'd say, we'll have a pint with you after.

We give them the five cheeses.

We present it to them.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Cash Old Blue.

Bing bing bing bing.

Manchego.

Bing bing bing bing.

Goat's cheese.

Bing bing bing ding.

Compta.

Bing bing bing bing.

Oh my goodness, that's coming out.

The pressure's so enormous, isn't it?

Wow.

Stinking bishop.

Okay, set it's a one cheese board, everybody.

It was obvious that Mark was going to get four, but as every bing, bing, bing came in, it felt like when the wordle all goes green, but like a thousand times more.

I was so euphoric.

And the thing is, I don't know the cheeses either.

You put them in the WhatsApp group, I asked you to delete it.

I didn't look at it.

I do not know what the cheeses are.

So I am like you.

I'm living this like you.

All I know is

T J N C.

They're just normal cheeses.

I think that'll catch on if we just keep saying it's quite hard to think about it.

T J N C T J N C, they're just normal cheeses.

Now, we weren't sure whose day it was, but it is your day, isn't it?

But just a note from David Squires, the Guardian cartoonist, who is a genius.

It is worth pointing out.

One of the greatest.

Midweek mayhem, he says, Max, has made me so familiar with your Monday routine that I know for a fact, and he messaged me this on Monday at about 2 p.m.

I know for a fact you're about to have a nap, having worn yourself out screaming at the producer of your A-ling show for not bringing you a single dodo egg on a gold platter to accompany your five eight full crystal goblet of flat white you are the woke clarkson is what he says

oh the woke clarkson david squires has done it again

and can i just say this just say this before we do your day yesterday i was doing the project on channel 10 in australia i'd say loosely it's similar to the one show and everyone there is lovely and there's a guy called brad who's amazing he's sort of the fixer you know if you need a park, he'll get you your ticket.

If he's good, if you need some food, he'll get you some food.

Like, I bought my wife's birthday present in because it was, you know, last November, and he found me a hamper to just like, he's just got everything.

Like, he's just this guy, like, he's amazing.

Anyway, it was like 2 p.m.

and we had to do a pre-recorded interview.

And so I rang him to say, look, I've got time.

I'm happy to go and get my own coffee.

He went, no, no, it's okay.

I'll go and get it.

It's a strong three-quarter flat white.

He knows it.

Great.

When it arrived, it wasn't strong.

It wasn't his fault.

It was a weak coffee.

Couldn't have it.

And it was too late.

The cafes had closed.

So I just think it's important to...

I got another wrong coffee.

I couldn't be angry with Brad because you can't be angry with Brad.

It was there.

But anyway, it's your day.

You have just hung Brad out to dry.

I see why you're using this podcast in the same way Alex Ferguson uses various books.

Just needless to say, I had the last laugh.

No, I think I pointedly didn't call out Brad there.

I thought I was saying it was not his fault.

He did everything he was meant to do.

He can't taste the coffee.

You can't get around the coffee machine and see the barista, can you?

You've got to trust them.

And like, he's never let me down before.

I will say he didn't seem to give a shit

when I was like, this, I can't drink this.

He had other shit to do by then.

And I was like, okay.

So there we are.

Anyway, it's your day.

The day begins 7:30 a.m.

Okay.

So hang on a second.

Interruption.

Helencopter's not going to the gym or she slept through booking the class.

Or I'm not saying your day is as predictable as mine.

Yeah.

But

I know what's happening and she's not booked the class.

This is a good day.

A lot of different stuff happens in this day.

Helencopter has decided to try the other Pilates place around the corner and the class there is at 8.30.

So

she'll do that on her way to work.

So it's all change.

Do you think she's doing that because

she's aware of how sad her waking up you up at 7 has made you?

I wonder if it plays a role in it because it is an awful thing that she wakes me up that early.

And

I make a meal out of it in a sort of a, no, no, no, it's fine.

I don't mind.

I don't mind.

Like in the most annoying possible way.

Just for context.

Right.

Sometimes, let's say we finish, let's say the latest I finish when the clocks as they are is half past midnight on a Sunday.

I will then go to the day bed, right?

It's the first bed I get to, okay?

Right.

Because there's a three-year-old in the next room, and then it's our room.

Yeah.

And there's a baby in there.

And I don't want to wake up the three-year-old with the squeaky floorboards.

And I don't want to get in bed and wake the baby.

Right.

So it's the right thing to do.

But when the baby wakes up for a feed, Jamie, and I'd probably say quite rightly, but I'm like, please just let me sleep through.

She will phone me at, say, 2 a.m.

to be like, we're on.

So the helicopter,

like waking you up at 7 a.m., I'm afraid the sympathy levels I'll give you are low.

They are low.

Now, just for the tape, because this is the first thing I've ever done that my wife does listen to, Jamie, I love you.

And she does occasionally, she does a whole feed and resettles without waking me sometimes.

And they are beautiful things.

I'd love to get a transcript of all of those phone conversations.

They're quite short.

We get up at 7.30.

It's my turn to make breakfast.

I've bought a large thing of Greek yogurt.

I try to trick it up.

I put honey into it.

I put chia seeds into it.

I put granola, peanut butter granola into it, which possibly undoes all of the health benefits of the low-fat Greek yogurt to begin with.

No, that's good.

Interestingly, I'm on a wheat-abix journey, or what they would say in Australia, a wheatbix journey.

Yeah.

But I do like to cover it in your hemp and your flaxseeds.

And I'm putting more of those in.

The more comedians we talk to who are our age, who are trying to be healthy, I'm putting more of those sort of grim things in.

But then I do like to cover it with granola so it tastes nice.

Wheatabix covered in granola.

Come on.

Who are you kidding?

This is a joke.

Well, no, it's better than just having a bowl of granola, which would be really yummy.

So then I go downstairs.

Yeah.

This is the first real twist in the day.

Wow.

It was the Helen Copter's birthday.

Happy birthday.

Weekend.

And I really thought a lot about what to get her.

And

in the end,

did you get her?

I got her two things.

Okay, I was thinking you made her a Thai green burrito

with ragu, with with parmesan

taglatelli.

Okay.

No, I got her what looks like a bag of

not shit but

decomposed character.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I got it from the mushroom man

who

has a little place around the corner from where we live.

He's called the mushroom butcher.

And this is a bag of ready-to-go oyster mushrooms that haven't appeared yet so you have to cut two slits in the top of it put it in a dark place i've cleared a cupboard and we put it in there and three times a day i have to go with the spritz bottle and spritz the little holes and in 10 days time when i say the lads are going to appear there's a youtube about how it works max Max, a kilo of mushrooms are going to come out of this bag.

Kilo, have you any idea?

That's as heavy as possibly a human head.

Yeah, no.

I mean, I normally go for 500 grams, sort of your normal white mushroom unsliced.

So I've got a really good concept of what a kilo of mushrooms is.

The question is, will we know when the time is right to harvest these mushrooms?

Also,

will the mushrooms be so big they will smash out of the cupboard

to the walls like the triffids.

Yeah, that's the fear at the moment.

But at the moment, kind of like AI, I think I can control it just with my little spritz bottle.

Question.

Question.

And there is always a danger, especially when you are...

hosting such a successful podcast vehicle as this.

Yes.

Is that the reason you bought the present was because you know this is sensational content.

because we can revisit this once a week even when it's my day we can always do a mushroom check-in because i think people will want a mushroom check-in and you know now that those people that were wavering going i love the idea but actually i'm just a bit you know and the curdle's coming to an end they're now like i gotta hang on until i find out when the oyster mushrooms come i'm excited

i I'm offering Helencopter fashion advice, obviously, as she gets, puts her gear in the the bag to go off and do her class, etc.

I have a slight moment of longing, and it's fine.

My life is fulfilling and good, but this year I am not with you in Melbourne.

I'm not doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival, and yet someone added me to one of the joys of that festival is there's a strip of grass behind the boat sheds by the Yarra.

And that's where every second day people doing the festival have a semi-spontaneous game of football, really low-quality kickabout, jumpers for goalposts, etc.

Interruption.

Are you still in the group?

Yeah.

Could you say, can

you ask if Max can play?

You, I have a fear though, that you're going to arrive full kit vibes.

You're going to absolutely stick one on someone in the first minute, deny everything.

But also, yes, I can.

You can.

Just like, I probably won't be free.

I'm quite busy and getting out to play football.

You know, I've sort of done the negotiations for playing football.

The season starts in two weeks for the University of Melbourne old boys.

And so I probably won't have the time.

But I'd like to just...

I don't need to be in the group.

I just need you to message me and say, this is where the games happen.

And I'll represent you.

I will play as you.

I'll represent you.

Now, the last time I played in that match, I, for the one and only time in my career, and this will give you an idea of how serious a game it is, I did a scorpion kick where I was in goals and the ball came in high and I let it go over my head and then centipeded.

Is that what that's called?

Caterpillar down onto my chest.

Yeah, centipeding is different.

And

I certainly wouldn't do it in public.

And my heels shot up and kicked the ball miles down the field.

Wow, well, it's that sort of a game.

I was at the game when Ranny Higita did that.

No way.

I was.

I was like a teenager.

And I've written about this.

It was totally fraudulent because in the warm-up, it's all he did.

He must have done it 100 times before the game.

Really?

Yeah.

So by the time you saw it, and also like the off-side flag had gone up, I think Jamie Rednap put the bottom of the box.

By the time he did it, you're a bit like, yeah, all right, we've seen that, mate.

And it's one of the iconic moments of sport.

Wow.

It is.

You're a real Zalek figure that's been at all these important moments in the history of sport.

You name a moment in sport and history, and I was probably there.

When Pushkis pulled the ball back and then scored in the 1952 European Cup Final,

you were there.

Correct.

You were in goals.

I was.

Yeah, I was.

I just don't like to talk about it a lot.

Okay.

So I don't want to hog this group, but it's nice to be on it, to be honest.

Even though, you know, I'll put it on mute.

I'll look at it occasionally and see Emma Hollands playing, who played for Queensland at underage football.

You know, there's some good footballers in there.

Question: How many guests, podcast guests, have been in the group?

There's definitely going to be a few.

Nish is going to be there soon.

Amy Gledhill, I don't know if she's going to be playing in it.

God, just in looking this up, I happened to look on another another football group that I'm in but have muted just because Chloe Petts is in the group John Kearns is in the group Guy Montgomery yeah we got to get him on this podcast he's in there what I'm saying is they'd know who you were Tom Cashman who sometimes does the project the Aussie show that you present sometimes anyway yeah I just want to make my presence known and make it known that I'm watching so I use my Photoshop skills to superimpose my head on the head of Diego Maradona from the meme from the last World Cup where Messi is standing on the pitch looking up at the sky and Maradona is in a cloud just looking down at him,

applauding him being like, go on, my son.

So while they're the Messies of this,

I am the Diego Maradona.

I'm really good at Photoshop, by the way, because I don't know how to.

When I say, here, the new pod is out, and, you know, I've got Rob Beckett's face.

I've Googled image search Rob Beckett, and then I've

made that square.

I can't make it just his head.

I can only make it a square.

So I'm just very impressed with your skills for that.

I then go in to my office and I begin.

Writing my new show for Edinburgh.

Like, this is the actual moment where this is.

This is a blank page.

Blank page.

It's blank to an extent, but the first job is because I write down everything, every idea I have, every cry I roll over in the night and mumble stuff into my phone, the first thing to do is

collate this disparate menagerie of words onto a list.

And hopefully whatever the show is will spring forth from it.

So the initial job, and we're happy that the helicopter is gone to Pilates at this point, is just me pressing play on a voice note and it's

imagine if eggs were made of brass and it just clicks off then.

It's

absolute batshit stuff.

Good.

But yep, we've started.

that process.

Oh, congratulations.

I then have to come downstairs and do an episode of the What Did You Do Yesterday podcast with a forthcoming guest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I won't say who they are, but you could say who it was.

It happened yesterday.

We did an episode of the What Did You Do Yesterday podcast with Joel Domet.

We did with Joel Domet, who is an interesting figure because he came from the same cruddy comedy background as me, but now is a glamour, shiny floor presenter of mainstream ITV shows with celebrities where they all dance on stage as the credits go up.

But with Joel, what I like about him is it's entirely consistent for him.

It's like when you see someone like Bradley Walsh, you know, Bradley is really into this quiz, you know?

Domit is really into who is the masks.

Who is the kumquat?

Yeah.

It is a show that shouldn't work, but it does.

And he's a sort of big part of that.

And because I think, you know, this will go out before that episode.

I am nervous that for part of that episode,

we break from the rules of the podcast for reasons that will become apparent.

I didn't think because Joel and I have a shared history.

You don't think it's a big problem?

I think it's fine.

I think part of it is

how you guys once met in hilarious circumstances and something to do with Beverly Hills 90210.

And I've sent you the photo of me dressed as William the Conqueror, haven't I?

But anyway, that's on the Joel episode.

Okay, so we do that, don't we?

That's a good one.

It's a good one.

I take my mum for lunch then.

How's Mama Glendale?

Someone

has taken her car keys, so we can't drive anywhere.

So we just walk to the quite expensive local hotel across the road.

We just get soup and a couple of starters.

And the main topic of conversation is how expensive this is.

Yeah.

Do you have some soda bread?

It was a sort of a brown bread with it.

Oh, you're thinking because of Ireland.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you're imagining a sort of pig-in-a-poke type hotel where there's

traditional music playing in the corner and maybe a fight going on over the other side and people just clomping pint glasses of Guinness on the bar.

It's just a boring

three-star hotel.

Got it.

Okay, right.

Okay.

Although we discuss how expensive this is, Mum makes no effort to offer to pay for it afterwards.

So I do that and then cycle back.

Hang on, you said in WhatsApp group your mom enjoyed an episode of this podcast.

She likes Joe Wilkinson because Joe's a very nice boy and once sat beside her for an entire show of mine.

Ah, okay.

And really had good chats with her and dad.

So does Mar Glendenning show Glendenning?

My apologies.

That's terrible.

That's the second time you've called me.

It's only because I've met Mar Glendenning, and so I'm picturing a similar.

Not all Irish people are the same.

No, I know.

But you know, like a middle-aged Irish person's mum.

I'm really sorry.

Mar O'Doherty, because I get on famously with Mar Glendenning.

My apologies.

Barry will be on the pod soon.

Not as a host, David, as a guest.

Oh, great.

I'm being slowly bumped out of this.

Does she say nice things about me?

She does say nice things about you.

Yes.

I think we come across well.

I don't know if she listens to these ones, to be honest.

All right, she's one of those.

We know who they are.

We know you are.

We know there's a little bit of a dip.

I would say my parents, can I just say, thought this was the stupidest idea ever.

I was like, I've got this idea to go.

And they were like, what?

That is a podcast.

That's ridiculous.

You know, they're sort of coming up with other things.

You know, why didn't we do, you could do this?

I was like, that's a good idea.

I don't know if they've listened to a whole episode.

Oh, right.

Dad listens to the radio.

He listens to me on the radio because he knows the radio.

He checks the Radio Times.

He's the last person to buy the Radio Times.

Yeah.

And he sees I'm in the Radio Times and he texts me to say you're in the Radio Times.

But, Max, I would have thought that for someone like your father, who pitches shows which is like

the contestants have to guess what year these famous battles took place in, and these kind of ideas.

I thought this would be more closer to his idea of prestige radio than say your football work on the radio, which is, you know, more like, who do you think's got the biggest feet in the championship?

Text in.

That's a good question.

Do you know what?

I didn't do the Rob Beckett phoning, the one about, I can't remember what it was, about would you rather win the Carabao Cup or the Europa League?

It was such a boring question.

It was just so like every other show will do that question.

But I will do these at the weekend.

I will do both the Rob Beckett question and then I will ask on behalf of David Aldrichi, who do you think has the biggest feet in the championship?

That's a great question.

It's a great question.

Some big clod hopping goalkeeper.

But anyway, carry on.

So we come back.

I've got a click in my headset.

That's a bicycle thing.

So I come straight back, fix that.

It's about a 10-minute job.

I got all the tools and I leave the tools out because

we have a heat wave in Dublin at the moment.

It's really nice.

It went up to 16 degrees or something yesterday.

I know, I know.

But I want for a cycle in my t-shirt.

Cycle.

Like, no, but the thing is, it's like, when you live in Melbourne, you go soft.

So when it's 16 degrees, everybody's in like coat and jeans and like bubble hats.

And like the first year I was here, I was like, what what the fuck are you all doing?

And now I'm like, I'm still in shorts because I've decided I'm not going to put trousers on in Australia.

Okay, so sort of like a point of principle.

I watched Home in Away as a kid.

I know it's always sunny, unless it's really cold.

But like everyone's in like puffer jackets and bobble hats.

16 degrees here is freezing.

And like a heat wave, heat wave is like 40.

Yeah, sure.

So it's the first cycle I did this year with just a t-shirt

and obviously trousers also.

But yeah, very happy with that.

Oh, nice.

That is nice.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I guess we are just used to different things.

It's not going to rain.

And it's the first time this year I can say conclusively it's not going to rain.

So I leave the tools out because as soon as Helen gets back from work, BTW, I have spritzed the mushrooms for a second time.

Good, good, good.

How many a day?

How many spritz a day?

Three.

Three

evenly spread out spritzes.

Do you want a listener to remind you on social media just

three times a day?

Someone could volunteer just on Blue Sky.

Seems like a Blue Sky place.

Just three

every day for the next three months, please.

If you were to do the reminder on Twitter, it would be like

imagine the abuse you would get.

These better be psychotropic drugs because they are the future of controlling the mind back from Bill Gates.

So when the helicopter gets back from work, I take her bike because this is part two of her birthday present.

I'm giving it a message.

Spoky dokies.

I'm not giving her spoky dokies.

I'm really spritzing that bike.

I really need to service my bike.

But this is not a service I'm giving it.

I'm giving it essentially a rebirth.

Okay, okay.

The renaissance of the helicopter's bicycle.

Yes, to the point where last night was I fixed the mud guards because they were rattling which took a surprising amount of time my hands are disgusting because this is a bike that commutes the whole time and then today immediately after this i'll ride it up to the bike shop because we need to get a couple of parts to get actually serviced to get it actually serviced

Helen Copter during this time is making the most delicious meal that I've had in such a long time.

I mean it's

because she lived in Italy.

She's lived in a lot of places around the world and has

brought elements of that to the pan and it's like a slice of Tuscany in the heart of Dublin.

You know someone said that this podcast, one of the ads they insert before it plays in Australia is an ad for the Irish tourist board.

It is, yeah.

I feel that is the sort of thing that it probably is.

A slice of Tuscany in the heart of Dublin.

No, the adverts like from Giants Causeway to the cliffs of Moa,

Ireland, the place to be, or whatever it happens to be.

Yeah,

and they got you to do that voiceover because they were like, Yeah, yeah, that's close enough.

Absolutely.

There's a legendary episode of Captain Planet,

the late 80s, early 90s children's cartoon set in Belfast, where Captain Planet sorts out the troubles.

Oh, does he?

What about you?

Planet.

And there are no Irish people doing the voices on that episode.

I haven't mentioned the last ever murder sheet.

I didn't realize it was the last ever.

It's called like the Emerald Celtic.

thing

amulet the last ever murder she wrote it is absolutely amazing The accents are so amazing.

It's like, surely there were like eight Irish people who would have been up for this.

Like, come on.

Television will never be better.

Yeah.

A lot of those big American series used to do an Irish episode.

I guess Irish America, it's probably less of a big thing now, but 20, 30 years ago, it was a really big deal.

So it made sense to have an episode in the Old Sod or whatever they say.

There was an episode of Remington Steel.

Oh, good.

Piers Brosnan's pre-bond, sort of bond rip-off

show.

It's a bit like hiring the new ACDC lead singer from an ACDC cover band to be the lead singer of ACDC in getting...

Brosnan, who was Remington Steele.

I mean, what a name.

Remington Steele.

Yeah.

But also Piers Brosnan, great name.

And he appears to me.

Imagine getting him on this.

Just imagine.

Piers Brosnan.

I'd be more excited than finding out what Elton John did yesterday.

He has done a strange thing.

Oh, what has he done?

No, no, no.

It's all good stuff.

So he left Ireland at a young age and kind of lost his Irish accent.

And it seems like because he's played a few Irish roles over the course of his life, Taffin

being

one set in Wicklow in the late 80s, which contains the memorable line, well, maybe you shouldn't be living here.

Then he's in a new film where he's Irish, but it seems like he's relearned his accent

from watching the Captain Planet episode.

That's great because he is actually Irish, so you can't say your Irish accent is shit, even if that's shit.

That's amazing.

Shit, it's so

shit.

Yep.

Early in our romance, I said I would make her a chicken pasta.

And so this is how on the ball Helencopter is.

Helencopter goes, chicken, there is not a pasta with chicken in it.

Like there are four pastas.

And there can be slight variations on them.

But like what I was basically saying to her was, I'm going to chop up a burger and put it between some lasagna sheets.

That's what it seemed like.

So she's not snooty at all, but she makes this last night.

Oh my god, it was the large ribbony pasta.

Okay.

You know, the one that looks like tickets.

So bigger than tagliatelli?

Yeah, like.

Wider than tagliatelli.

Like a wide talatelli.

Almost like an old bus ticket.

Yeah.

Okay, right.

Okay.

Bus tickety telly.

Okay.

And

she put in lemony stuff and loads of capers.

What do you call the green things that look more like peens

than than eggplants than

what you call the green ones courgettes courgettes

they should be the emoji that's used are they that rare in island no i just couldn't remember what they were called there no you're right yes they should be they should be the uh the emoji it's a good point for the more modest the more modest gentlemen

no one's walking around with an aubergine for goodness sake

you're not kidding anyone by putting that on a smutty message, are you?

I'm fixing the bike while she's making the dinner.

It's a very domesticated, traditional scene for this.

It is lovely.

It's lovely.

I've been making a lot of dinners recently.

Can I make that clear?

But she's so much better than me when she does it.

And we eat that and then retire to the sitting room to watch the grim, grim news of tariffs and things like this that

I wish weren't a part of my life.

So Helencopter nods off during this.

I mean, we're up to 10 o'clock now.

Yeah, okay.

Days are really winding down.

I take this opportunity to go on eBay.

I was going to say, to go and fiddle with yourself in the bathroom manner.

Sorry.

If the guests won't do it, one of us has to.

Buy a pair of brakes from 1983.

Really good idea.

I did a part-for-part rebuild of Stephen Roach's 1987 Tour de France winning bike.

But what annoys me about it is the brakes that I put on at the Cabagnolo Delta brakes are actually the brakes that Roach won the 1987 World Championship with.

But I want this to be a repro of his Tour de France winning bike.

So I bought this.

And every time you stop at the traffic lights, you'd know.

Someone shouts it from a car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah!

This should be Cabalto brakes.

So I buy a set of the Cabalto brakes.

I won't tell you how much.

Oh, please go on.

Go on.

179 Euros

plus 22 postage from Italy.

I used to buy a lot of stuff from the UK, but because of Brexit, there's too much import

stuff now in that and export.

I mean, I'm bored of people trying to tell me Brexit was a bad idea.

You know.

Think of the brakes, Max.

The fact that it's had on break exports.

Whenever I complain about Brexit I do it less and less now because there's other things to complain about but the number of people said you don't even live here you lost your you don't have an opinion anymore okay

fine I understand I like to send a message sometimes because the bike community I feel even on eBay Facebook marketplace in particular like they're very honest folk as in a lot of the time if there's a scratch they'll put a big photo of the scratch oh that's nice but these ones the guy said ultimo perfecto or something like that so i didn't even have to google translate what he was saying

and so i gratzied him back and yeah they'll be here soon i gave the mushrooms a final spritz of the day got the helicopter up to bed and We actually managed to do the simplex crossword from the Irish Times.

And as we were struggling with the connections I realized I wasn't giving it socks because I was falling asleep and we went to sleep.

Do you know what's perfect is we've almost we just sort of bang on an hour.

I know we only made you half an hour, but that feels good.

It feels good that as you ended, it just went 59, 20 seconds.

But it's a lovely day.

You've had a lovely day.

No proposals this week, unfortunately.

I mean, that would have been good.

That would have been really good if you just said, I've just got to rush this through because Mars Bod did it last week.

And then you panic, and so you end up proposing to Denmark's third most.

Yeah, I'm marrying Thomas Sorensen next week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I have to propose now so that my yesterday is actually the wedding of the year.

Me and Thomas Sorensen, photographed by Hello Magazine Australia.

So I've got a lot to get to do because I've got to rush the divorce through because I want to do this properly.

I've got to really put the work in with Thomas because I don't spend that much time chatting to him.

You know, it's really hard to really form a romantic bond when you're talking about Perth Glory's form, you know.

So, I know, but you, with all your Brexit talk, desperately want an EU passport, and this could be your way in.

Ah, yeah.

Are Denmark in the EU?

I think they're an affiliate member.

Are they in a zone?

They're in the Schengens.

No, they're one of the shingles.

They got shingles in the middle.

They've kept their own currency, but they're in the EU.

Yeah, they are in the EU.

I mean, the real twist that will put legal tongues awagging is if next week I propose to the giant oyster mushroom that has grown.

Do you know what it sounds a bit like is when there was the marriage equality referendum in Orange 2015?

Someone would have been like, what?

People will be bloody trying to marry mushrooms next.

That's what's going to happen.

Well, I'm going to be the test case for that.

If you went double-barreled, would you be David Mushroom O'Doherty or David O'Doherty Mushroom?

Imagine

the wedding, at the dance, at the reception.

You know, there's just various pots with static oyster mushrooms.

Would there be just oyster mushrooms, or would you think there'd be a whole selection of other mushrooms?

Well, we have to see what comes out of the bag, really, won't we?

No, but I mean, at the wedding, surely they're friends with other mushrooms.

It wouldn't just be relatives.

Obviously, all the oyster mushrooms would sit at the front at the wedding, but then, you you know at the back you'd have just some others, a button, a couple of buttons.

We got a portobello in there.

Barry button.

Barry button.

He's virtually family.

He's just been friends with them for years, hasn't he?

Do you know what I would call that, Max?

This is a good pun to end this podcast.

I'd call that the Champignon's League.

Really nice.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

If you'd like to get in touch,

I'm stuck on fun guy and I can't use that, can I?

For goodness sake.

If you'd like to get in touch with with the pod, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

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And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Remember, of course, it's a one-cheese board.

Yeah.

And they're all just normal cheeses.

T-N-T-T-J-N-C.

John, a clue.

Will I?

No, no, people.

Stop the podcast.

Stop the podcast right now.

Stop it this second.

We'll be back next week.

Hello, Max Rushdam here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

Dog by the Bakery Door is a charming story of the magical things a little boy sees on a normal trip to get a coffee with his mum.

Perfect for newborns, three-year-olds, six-year-olds, all children.

Just Google Dog by the Bakery Door.

Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

Dog by the Bakery Door.

I have this book.

Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

She is to live with us and a baby 24/7, has sacrificed her career for mine while also being an amazing mum for two boys.

Thank you, goodbye.