S2 EP15: Joel Dommett

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with a class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it.

And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life.

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton, and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Welcome to season two, episode something of What Did You Do Yesterday.

David O'Doherty, welcome.

I don't even comment on that anymore.

But today, do you think we might have our most handsome ever guest, Max?

Joel Domet is coming on.

Oh, that's a good question.

Is he the most handsome guest we've had?

We are handsome, but we're always here.

So people almost overlook our handsomeness.

And maybe we're sort of dadbod handsome.

What the hell are you talking about?

We are handsome in just conventional

handsome lads.

That's what we are.

Although my phone recently just said, said you know memories of 2014 or something i did look much younger

i had more

i just look more awake and alert there was some pepper amidst the salt on my head

it was pure salt is that what you're saying it's just salt and no one ever goes oh salt do they no people go oh salt and pepper but they never go salt it's your phone It's bad when it shows you handsome pictures of you in the past, but it's even worse when the facial recognition is just like, who the fuck are you?

I'm the same guy, please.

Let me tell you the worst was when, you know, it said your memories of just sort of plinky-plonky memories of the piano music, but it was a time when I'd got hives and it was just lots of photos of my body with like a rash across it.

Raindrops keep falling on me.

And hives.

Happy memories of 2019.

Anyway, Joel Donnet is on tour.

New dates are just about to be announced.

Amazingly, this is a guest that I booked, David.

And we're very excited to see what he did yesterday for the tape.

We've just finished it.

I think it's a good day, and I've enjoyed it.

He is also on the podcast, Never Have I Ever, with Hannah, his partner, and a funny man, a man who can present,

you know, between the two of us.

It'd be like if you got the two of us, Max, and smushed us together and and kept the same level of handsomeness because we are very handsome.

David O.

Maxetty.

This is what Joel Dahmet did yesterday.

Joel Domit, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

What a great idea, firstly, for a podcast.

What a great pairing.

DOD and Max Rushdon together is not a pairing I anticipated.

It's not a pairing I thought I wanted.

And I've got it and I absolutely adore it.

It was a process of elimination.

We each tried to do this with every other person in the world.

This was the only one that worked.

It's fantastic.

It's fantastic.

One of my favorite comedians and

my third or fourth favorite broadcaster.

I mean, we go back a long way, Joel.

And in a way, I'm sad that we can't talk about how we met and those things because it's quite extraordinary.

Can we, though?

Can we?

Well, you can't, but I can.

The rules are you can only say what you did yesterday.

Oh, okay, okay.

Well, I'd love to hear it from your perspective.

I am intrigued by this.

Okay, well, let's hope it comes up over the course of We Can't Planet Joel's yesterday.

Okay.

David, all you need to know.

is it involves Lee Ryan from blood.

That's all you need to know.

How many times have you you told the Lee Ryan anecdote?

Because I reckon I'm into the millions.

It's my favorite anecdote to tell.

It's my favorite.

And yet we cannot tell it.

No, we can't tell it on this podcast.

No, I know.

It's deeply frustrating.

We should have thought this through.

Hang on.

Lee Ryan could appear in Joel's yesterday, though.

And then that would open up the gateway to whatever the Lee Ryan from Blue.

So to listeners who may not know, Blue.

Everybody knows Blue.

Come on.

I mean, for me, Blue and Five

really do just smoosh together in my brain.

They're a sort of a mid-table boy band from the 90s.

One of the best jokes we did during the Soccer Embeddory years was there was a guest who had just done some ab sailing.

And then I turned to camera and said, I hate ab sailing.

And then it cuts to me and Abs from Five on a lake in a boat.

I absolutely love it.

And me having a shit time.

And then it just cut back.

I absolutely love that.

Isn't that incredible?

That's what Telly was in 2007.

Do you know what I mean?

You would come up with an idea and they would go, yeah, yeah, let's do that.

Nabs is up for it.

Give him 500 quid, he'll do it.

What time did you wake up, Joel?

Yesterday.

I'm very much a man of routine.

Very similar days.

You know, because our lives are all over the shop.

Every sort of day is very different.

So I try and control the things I can control are exactly the same.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

7.15 every day I wake up.

7.15 is the time that my son wakes up.

He goes to work.

It's where the Klaxon rings out from the colliery, where you send him off every morning with his little pasty and a lunchbox.

Yep.

Weirdly, he works for Lee Ryan from Blue.

Look at a story.

Oh, no.

No, so he wakes up at 7.15.

Lovely.

He's a good lad.

And then

he comes into our bedroom, mine and my wife's bedroom.

You know, we share a bedroom.

I think that's okay these days.

It's getting serious so yeah it is yeah yeah we've got to that that stage and then we read books which is great there's this book that we're reading at the moment i think it's quite a famous book called um

you read all of the bible every day wow it says a lot about both of you that the dod you picked the bible and max rushland picked the hungry caterpillar which is my bible it is my bible yeah every Saturday I eat a cherry pie and ice cream and some Swiss cheese.

And I'm really full.

Then the Caterpillar turned his cherry pie into

wine.

I don't know.

I haven't read the Bible, but I've read the Henry Caterpillar a lot.

You'll notice, having children, Max, the children get obsessed with books for like a short period of time and then they'll move on to the next one.

And so you read the same book

50 times a day.

And then three weeks later, they'll move on to the next one, and then you're on to that one 50 days.

And he's on this one at the moment, which is we're going on a bear hunt.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Michael Rosen.

Yeah, it's a classic, it is a classic, but I just find it very odd.

Yeah, me too.

Why are you going on a bear hunt with your whole family?

Oh, my goodness.

Maybe he's from the Midwest, sort of getting them into hunting early, is possible.

True, true, true.

Maybe he's sort of a Joe Rogan fan.

Yeah, Max, what are you reading at the moment?

Is there a specific text that you and Ian Rushton?

Trucks and diggers.

He likes that.

There's, you know, a thousand things that move.

And I'll be honest, I don't go to every one of the thousand.

And like, when do you do a thousand things that move?

Quite a lot of them are kind of like military jets.

And you're thinking, I just don't know if I need to show my three-year-old all of these killing machines, you know, tanks.

armored cars.

Then it goes, you know, and it gets to that point where there's, it's gone past what you want to teach your child.

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

So I've got a book.

I'm literally looking at it right now.

And it teaches you words from every letter of the alphabet.

Yeah.

And it goes through all of this, and it has all the classic stuff that you go, like, oh, this is a nice thing.

Jay, it'll have jam.

And you're like, that's a nice thing to teach a child.

You know what also's on Jay?

Jodhpas.

There is no instance that my child needs to know the word jodpa.

I'd never seen it written down before before in my life.

I'm 40.

What do you think the youngest acceptable age for somebody to know what jodpers are?

And even if they were, you know, a horsey family,

five, maybe?

Yeah, I mean, I literally learned it when I read that book.

Yeah.

It's got a mysterious H, hasn't it?

That H is in a funny place, isn't it?

Can I just ask a question?

I didn't even know it existed.

Yes.

What are jodpers as against just normal tights you might wear for a workout or to go cycling in?

what is a jodp what what's where does trousers stop and jodp begins they're tight jodpers are tight they might have hoops that go under the foot is that possible right right

we have you know you are a kids author and we we very poorly reviewed a kids book moments ago

and now here are three men who definitely don't know what jodpers are who between us have never worn jodpas trying to work out what jodpas are but we don't know this i mean both all three of us haven't revealed our bottom halves

imagine if two of the three two of the three what a reveal what a reveal hang on i've got the wikipedia page for jodhpurs up here which i'd say not many people visit

jodhpurs are named after jodhpur which is the second largest city in the modern indian state of rajasthan So they're, you know, they're an Indian thing.

They're a modern form of tight-fitting trousers to the ankle, but they end in a snug cuff and are worn primarily for horse riding.

So if nothing else, we've all learned what jodpers are.

What were the, this is going to sound very off-piece.

What were the ones that Hitler wore?

What were those ones where it's like big at the top and small at the bottom?

It's like MC Hammer as well.

The two real pioneers of that trouser, Hitler and MC Hammer.

They never collaborated, did they?

They never did a collab.

If Hitler did his march on the spot, then it would have very much been.

I think that's what I assumed Jodpus was.

It's funny that when Hitler annexed the Sudetenland and they tried to talk about it, he was...

Hitler was the original one who said, you can't touch this.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Okay, so it's 7.30.

We say 7.30.

How much time is spent reading?

Yep.

So I'm going to say 7.30 or so.

Then we go downstairs every morning.

I don't know what other parents do, but we have the same breakfast every day.

And I don't know whether other kids have much more of an exciting childhood, but we just have, we make porridge the night before, so he has overnight oats.

Oh, great.

With like a chia seed.

And I put a little bit of something else extra on top.

Maybe, you know, special day will be peanut butter.

Wow, okay.

He absolutely devours that.

I go, what do you want now?

Do you want a berry?

Do you want banana?

Or do you want kiwi?

And I give him the three options and then he points at the one he wants and then he eats that.

What does he go for yesterday?

Yesterday he went kiwi.

Wow.

This morning, I know you don't want to know about this morning, but this morning he went nana.

He went nana.

How old is he?

He is 17.

It's a classic joke.

We all enjoyed it.

A year and a half.

18 months.

Interesting.

Wow.

Interesting because young Ian is three and a year and a half ago

he would be brave and now

he wouldn't even have porridge.

He'll just have plain oats.

Just no, not even any water or milk, just a teaspoon and some oats.

And most of them go in his mouth and some go on the floor.

But porridge, no, thanks.

Just plain oats.

As if it's like drywall.

Packing substance.

It's a bit like the cinnamon challenge.

He just shovels it in and then oats are flying out of his nose for a while.

Does he just like cough at it or

He's like a magician, like David Copperfield.

When he takes a dump, is it like when you put the Hoover on reverse and just loads of dust shoots around the house?

He's like a cement mixer.

You put that in, you put the water in, and then you turn him round, and then the poop comes out, and then you can build a house with it.

Exactly, we are.

We're doing a Renault at the back.

It's just his shit.

That's what we're building.

This is a small outhouse.

Unbelievable.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, so yeah, he has the porridge.

That's really nice.

Kiwi.

Wow, that's a kiwi.

Yeah, he likes a kiwi.

I cut it up for him.

It's almost the first thing that he's really enjoyed.

He sticks his fork in and then puts it in his mouth.

Like, he's enjoying doing it himself now.

It's one of the old-time.

What's the opposite of writing checks you can't cash?

Because from the outside, the kiwi looks shit.

It looks like a hairy egg.

You're thinking at best, there'll be some brown sludge in this, like a gone-off avocado.

And then you open it and you're like, holy cow,

this is pretty delicious.

I can't think of another fruit that comes across as badly as the kiwi initially.

I also, this is controversial.

That's the way I say that word.

Is it?

That is controversial in itself.

That's That's why I do it that way.

Okay, good.

It's controversial.

I eat the skin of Kiwi.

I'm one of those.

Me too.

Me too.

Yeah.

It's honestly not out of enjoyment.

It's just out of pure laziness.

Yeah, okay.

But I don't do it with the skin of the orange.

I wouldn't be too lazy to go.

No.

Or do you not even approach an orange because you just can't be bothered?

I can't be bothered with because an orange is too unpredictable for me.

Okay.

Because some of them they have pips in

and some of them are like not nice you know whereas kiwi is like i don't think i've ever had a kiwi i don't like this is would you do you just chomp into an egg like an apple

this is awful stuff it's like velcro it's hairy it's literally nature's way of saying don't eat this because it's a nasty little it could be an animal could be a beast of some kind yeah if i was to have time in my life i would uh pre-shave them right

oh so you wouldn't take the skin off you just shave the hair off and have the skin

okay right i see i see i'd clipper them and then i'd prepare them ready for uh

the bald kiwi is what you want okay you know those ads for men's intimate razors for doing your pubis, presumably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think anyone buys them?

Like, even if you did want to shave your pubis, surely you would just use your classic stuff.

Yeah, it's a weird one, isn't it?

I used to do a joke on stage about

basically going like, oh, I've now made enough money that I use a separate clipper for my beard and my pubes.

Yeah.

And like, that's like a point in your life where you suddenly go like, oh, I'm not going to use the same one for both.

To be fair, I lost one of them.

So now I've gone back to one.

See, I'm not a a pube shaver.

I now use the same one for my beard, my pubes, and my kiwis.

I was once interviewing Mickey Gray, the former Sunderland left back on Talksbook.

We were doing a show together, and for some reason, we got on to, you know, shaving downstairs, grooming.

And he said that once a month, he squats down in the shower and gets a Bic razor to his ass.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I've never done it.

Presumably, it comes back with real anger then, were you to

go on that particular bear hunt, as they say.

No, thank you.

Joel, I would imagine you have well-sculpted pubes.

No, not really, not really.

Look, this is too graphic, but I do.

I bick it.

Bick it.

What bit are you bicking?

I bick the bit.

And then I also bick the bit.

I don't know what bits they are.

I bick

the basket.

Right, yeah.

And then I also bick the baguette.

You bick your penis.

Just like because you have strays.

Do you not have strays?

I'm not talking cats.

I'm talking hares.

There's little strays.

And also, look, I was very much against this.

And I just did it once.

And it's a revelation.

And this is weird as well.

Look, this is weird.

I I don't think I've ever told anyone this.

I also do it like with no shampoo.

There's nothing.

I just do it.

Are you in the shower?

I'm in the shower.

He's in a library.

He does it in a library.

To be fair, I am quiet and there is no rule.

There's no sign that says no shaving cubis.

I would say to you, please try it.

What I do do, and I just feel like it gives it some, like takes off the severity of the razor.

Is I use my wife's old Bic razor, so she uses it on her legs, then I take it, and then I do it, and it feels fantastic.

And I implore you to try it.

Okay, it's a well-trodden path that you're picking up a razor that's been around the block.

Yes, sort of dulled down.

I understand.

It's been around the block, and then it's about to go around.

Anyway, unless you did this yesterday, we can't really delve any further.

No, I did.

I'm so sorry.

No, that's okay.

Don't apologize.

What a strange thing to have apologised for.

So your son's had a kiwi.

He's had a big, hairy, old, cute kiwi.

That was nice.

Yeah, the lovely kiwi.

And then this is something I have to do every morning.

Currently, he is obsessed with hoovering.

Okay.

Yeah.

Obsessed with hoovering.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He loves the hoover.

Great.

And so he won't rest until I've got the Hoover out of the cupboard and I hold his hand and then I have to hoover the house.

Is it a Dyson?

Is it a Dyson

cordless?

Great.

Every morning I hoover the house.

Young Ian has his own little Dyson, the toy one.

So he can follow me around when I've got the big normal one.

He's got the toy one.

Literally, this used to be my office.

And as you can tell, it's no longer the office.

He's holding up a teddy, everyone.

I'm holding up a teddy.

It's like I'm surrounded by toys.

Um, here's a little uh one that I showed DOD before we got on the record.

I ordered this teddy thinking it was cute on the website.

Yeah, it looks like an electrocuted Rob Beckett.

But it is a good idea.

Actually, you can get that doll.

Yeah, you can get the Neanderthal electrocuted Rob Beckett because there are so many different Rob Becketts you can get, and that one is flying off the shelves.

Yeah,

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Joel, I don't want to criticize your parenting here, but for me, the most fun aspect of Hoovering as a child was the cord, was the sheer aggression with which the plug, you know, bounded around corners and thumped against the machine.

Like, I remember the first time we got a Hoover with that, and I was like, this is an absolute game changer.

Yeah, it's so true.

I haven't even thought about that.

Like, it would blow his mind

the idea of having that button that you would press with your foot, even just with your foot.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

When I struggle with technology, you know, when you see a new mind-blowing piece of technology, like say, I mean, Shazam is the one that I still, even though we've had Shazam for 10 years, I can't even begin to imagine how it works.

But then again, I'm still amazed by how you can take a dump on a train.

That's still phenomenal technology.

And secondly, the speed with which the plug shoots back into the Hoover.

Here's a a quick question.

Do trains just dump it out the bottom or do they keep it?

Max, you deal with this.

Another era of expertise for me.

Thank you.

I'll field this one.

I think there was a time when it went straight out the bottom.

And I've been on trains in other countries, in foreign lands, where that's still the case.

But I believe they keep it, especially in the ones now with the door that, you know, takes 45 minutes to close.

And then you're not sure if it's totally locked.

You feel like you're on blind date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

A slightly sort of lower rent blind date.

Standing outside

the toilet in a back train and LNER job.

I can.

I absolutely can.

Yeah.

So where are we now?

So you've done some hoovering.

So are we about half eight, Julie?

We're about half eight.

Also, I need to point out I didn't even preface this, if that's how you say it.

A real boring day that I've picked.

Yeah.

No, that's fine.

It's not a vintage, I'd say that.

But it's a normal day for you.

It's a normal day.

So I've been very busy and since January, like crazy trying to sort my tour out and do all that stuff.

And literally last week, after I finished Comic Relief, I'm still on tour, but now my tour shows written.

It all feels for like two or three weeks, I've just got a really great weeks.

Like, it's just really nice.

So two or three weeks ago, if you asked me, oh my God, it would be absolutely smashing.

We'd We'd be like, look how cool and popular I am.

Joel, this is what we want.

We've already had Nish Kumar's glamorous life, where he takes six dumps and watches a Manchester United match and orders the Nando's.

We know what the glamour life of celebs is.

This is why we're interested in you unnecessarily hoovering a house for the fifth time in five days.

I did a travel show with Nish Kumar

and that boy really really

can go.

He can go.

Some listeners, real sort of big fans of the podcast, now refer to it as going for a niche.

He's delighted with that.

I went on this travel show where we went around and we went to all of these sort of tribes all over the world.

It was incredible.

It was amazing to see.

We did two series for Comedy Central.

There were places that we would go where we literally had a hole in the floor to go in.

I was very intimate with Nish.

I knew his routine.

Did you ever bick him while he was down there?

While he was crouching down, you were like, let me take care of some business.

There's that famous phrase, bick him when he's down.

There is that famous phrase.

No, I've never bicked Nish Kumar.

And actually, that was something that genuinely, we would, we got to the end of the two series, and I could not believe that I hadn't seen his penis.

Like, it was amazing.

There was somehow, we basically lived together for two series in this mad places doing all this weird stuff.

Somehow we managed to sort of avoid each other's genitalia wonderfully.

It's a funny one because in school, I would have seen everyone's peen.

I went to an old boys' school.

The class was small, so I would have known everyone's handwriting.

And I would have, if someone, and it would have been a weird exam to have put on, matched the peen with the student.

I definitely would have been able to do that.

But since then, I've really lost touch.

And even among my best friends now, I've no idea what's happening down there.

Apart from, of course, my football team.

So there was a while where me and my housemate would play for the same team.

So on a Saturday after the game, we'd be in the shower, naked, totally fine.

But at home, if either of us, we'd never have walked around.

You know, there was absolutely just a completely ridiculous idea.

It'd be disgusting.

But in the shower at football, totally fine, chatting away about life, whatever.

Suddenly, you know, if he's in the bathroom, I'm not going in the bathroom.

Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it?

Rightly so.

The place is really key here of like where you are.

As we've established, the library, of course, is fine.

Again, library, absolutely fine.

No signage.

No signage at all.

So we do the Hoovering.

That's really fun.

And then me and my wife, we do a podcast called Never Have I Ever.

So we recorded that.

So our producer arrives at our house and we record it in this room, which has become like the, we call it the toy room.

It's just like a sort of little playroom thing.

It used to be the office.

So now this lovely producer has to come around our house and essentially move these toys and teddies in order to put recording and cameras up.

And even yesterday, it was just, it's so embarrassing how she sits in the corner with her laptop and then she had her laptop placed on top of like a brio train set.

Like that's the sort of level of professionalism that we have.

Our podcast, we used to do a new thing every week.

That was our thing.

We'd do a new thing together that we'd never done together before.

When we had a baby,

that became quite a difficult thing to do.

So now we just, we genuinely feel like we don't really talk to each other unless we're doing our podcast now, which is like quite nice.

It's a good idea.

So we had to use it as like a chance to sort of catch up with each other.

do you do what me and my wife do just like get the diary out and go i'd like to go for a swim on wednesday morning can that we possibly fit that in yeah yeah sing oliver and emma on thursday is that what you're just doing that's it for 45 minutes and so tune in guys it's great stuff and the um i really enjoy doing that podcast with with my wife she's really great so we finished that it was really fun hang on question yes where's the child during the release child is holding a boom yes like this over in the two of them

yes yes Yesterday, we had childcare yesterday.

We have childcare twice a week.

I fit as much of my meetings and work and stuff in on those two days as I possibly can.

Be real, Joel, they're great days, aren't they?

Oh, my God.

Great days.

Oh, God.

Great days.

He's weeping at drop off and you're like, oh, just going to get a coffee inside.

I love my son so much.

Like, honestly, it's the best, most incredible thing.

But, you know, when you just have a moment to yourself, you're just like, Yes,

fantastic.

You miss them when you're away from them, but when you're with them, you're just like, Oh, just, I would love to just have a moment.

Just love to have a moment where I could just have a kiwi by myself.

I could just clip her a kiwi.

That's fine.

I could just clip her a kiwi.

That'd be absolutely fantastic.

I had the time, but unfortunately, I don't have the time to clip her.

I've just got to shove it straight in, like full hair.

If only now I could hang out with one of blue.

That would be so good.

That's it.

By one of them, I mean, Anthony Costa.

Yeah, of course.

Big Spurs fan.

He set up Costa Coffee, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

He's done well.

Yep.

And, of course, the other one, Simon Starbucks.

I don't know.

Denzel Nero has done pretty well as well.

So hang on.

Have you had anything to eat yet, Joel?

Oh, good point.

I mean, I eat with my son when he has breakfast.

I also have porridge.

So I have, I have, again, boring every day, same thing, basically for the last like 15 years, I'm going to say.

Porridge with raisins on it, raspberries, a bit of peanut butter.

I feel weird if I don't have it.

I know you're a fitness man.

I think you might be responsible for all our previous guests.

going on fitness journeys.

I think it's all because of you.

Do you make your porridge with milk or water?

Great.

I do it with milk because water does feel odd.

It feels odd.

Yeah, it does.

It feels too much like a smoothie.

Milk from what?

I sometimes find the overnight oat nicely sweetens with the oatier milk.

Breast.

Excellent choice.

My wife's breasts.

I did actually, I tried breast milk.

Oh, damn.

But this is the weird thing, Max Rushton.

It's like you've got to do that.

No, you don't.

You know, I did it from a pouch.

I didn't do it direct from the source.

Yeah.

What sort of pouch?

Sorry, so kangaroo.

He was in a kangaroo.

I found it.

I just found it in a kangaroo pouch.

You and your wife thinking, we've got to think of something new every week.

What about I doing your breast milk?

You've got to drink breast milk from a kangaroo's pouch.

Fair enough.

Joe, what does it taste like?

What does it taste like?

It's better than oat.

I'll tell you that much, my friend.

That's not saying much.

It's not saying much.

It's not saying much.

It's better than oat.

It's a very strange, very sweet, sort of a mixture between oat and coconut, I'd say.

Oh, delicious.

It's very odd, but it's odd in the same way that when you try any new milk, it's odd.

You know, when you try almond milk and you're like, what?

Like, I'm not saying I'm getting used to it.

I just, I did it once.

I made a flat white out of it.

And

yeah.

Max thinks it should have been a latte.

It's a cortado milk.

But the difference is, right?

You know, you try a new oat milk, but like, you can buy oat milk by the litre in supermarkets.

My wife is breastfeeding at the moment.

You cannot buy litres of Jamie's breast milk in the fridges of Kohl's.

Well, you've clearly never been on the dark web.

What I'm intrigued by here is in order to make our podcast interesting, Max and I have moved the farthest distance apart and enjoyed opposite seasons to each other.

You know what I mean?

This is the lengths we've gone to.

Whereas with your podcast, you live in the same house

and have often the similar experiences.

Do you know what I mean?

It is genuinely quite difficult, actually, because kind of the beauty of most podcasts is two people telling something to each other that they don't know.

Yeah.

And so the reaction is like, oh my God, yeah, oh, I can't believe you did that.

Whereas like

ours is like, yeah, nodding.

Dude, you have to like get home and go, I'm not going to tell her what I did because I'm going to save it for you.

I see the mistake, Max.

Max thinks all podcasts are about what you did yesterday.

Oh, I see.

Are they not?

Basically, our podcast is actually, what are you doing tomorrow?

That's essentially what our podcast has become.

It's very different like that.

That's kind of why I quite like it in a weird way because

it literally is just two people who are married, who have a child, talking to each other, you know, and it's funny and fun, but it isn't like us telling a story.

And if we do have a story that we tell together, we tell it together to our producer.

Genuinely, it's like a moment for us to catch up and for us to, it's like a scheduled in chat for an hour.

It's sort of a date almost, but not.

That's what our podcast is like too.

Me and Max going on a date.

Nothing's happening, but we still just keep, we meet again.

Yeah, I guess.

Why are we always inviting someone else?

That's what I understand.

The guest gets gets in the way of the romance.

I always think.

I don't know how far I'm getting with you, David, because there's a guy also on the screen talking about bicking his penis.

And that's going in the way of the love chat I want to have with you.

Okay, so the podcast finishes.

Your producer packs up, goes away, you're free.

I have a bit of lunch.

Oh, what do we have?

Oh, yesterday.

I tell you what, this is a bit bougie.

Again, don't know how to spell that just like I don't know how to spell jodpers.

But Bougie, there's these pouches you can get from Waitrose from this place called Dales.

It's again from the same pouch, from Dalesford.

And Dalesford, if you don't know it, it is this very posh sort of farm shop in the Cotswolds.

You can get these like pouches and it's like ready-made meals.

And I think it's like a tureen or something like this.

And it's like chicken, bean, like it's really nice and really easy to take.

Is it baby food?

It's basically expensive baby food.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do you suck it up like a Capri Sun, like you're in space?

I basically should do that.

I should just, it comes in like this Capri Sun thing.

And then I put it in the pan, I heat it up.

But I could probably do it, you know, cold, straight from the packet, like a Capri Sun.

Great.

And it's the three of you just staring at each other again, absolute silence, just a loud clock ticking in the background.

Have I got it right?

That's exactly it.

So Wilde had has lunch too.

hannah had to go off and do some work this is where the day gets spicy okay i forgot about this this is big i then drove to winchester oh wow i drove to winchester i've never really been to winchester properly before neither have i i've done comedy there a little bit beautiful it has a cathedral has a cathedral and it was really nice weather and i i went and i met up with a running youtuber and we ran 19k in the countryside

Okay, so first of all, when you're driving to Winchester, what are you listening to?

Oh, I think, no offense to you guys, I listened to Parenting Hell.

Oh,

those fuckers.

I'm really sorry.

How is that podcast doing?

Because we support new up-and-coming podcasts.

Like, we really hope, you know, we can give them a leg up.

I worry about them.

I worry about them.

If any of our listeners are looking to try something new, there's a great podcast called This American Life, also Parenting Hell.

And probably one of the Brit Royals has got another podcast where they just took shit with another poshoff.

So, that's our recommendations.

Who was the guest on their one?

I listened to the Sean Welby one, which was great.

You know, it's fun because you know, I'm friends with those guys, and it's nice just to hear their voices and hear what they're up to.

That's okay, that's what podcasts are, isn't it?

Well, Max is raging, just quite dismissively.

We go back, me and Joe go way back, we go back so far that I'd thought he'd just immediately consume all of my content.

Yeah,

Even though I'm not in any way interested in sport, talk sport is where I like to go.

And I listen to all of the archives of the Rushton stuff.

What I am interested in is how you guys met, because it does seem like it goes back.

And did it involve a third wheel, maybe a pop star?

It is one of the weirdest stories.

And what I genuinely, Max, what I love about about this is that we don't speak very often and when we do speak it's a kinship that cannot be broken exactly I think we are very much on the same page I like the cut of your jib wow is that a phrase yeah the cut of your

shall I tell the story you can tell the story yeah I mean the funny thing for me is that I at no point in my life have ever been in showbiz circles like ever

and this was the only time that I sort of fell into it And it was just

hilarious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Max, you play the clarinet on Amy McDonald's album.

Well, there is that.

What?

Do you play the clarinet?

Of course.

Yeah.

Why didn't you whip that out?

I don't know.

In the showbiz circle, you would have...

We need to tell the story.

Okay.

So I'm going to tell it how I know it.

And I feel like you might have a different...

version of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh, I'm interested.

So there was this, let's not be specific.

There was this American lady who came to England.

She was sort of obsessed with England.

And she was in like this big American show at the time.

90210.

90210.

She was 90210.

The remake.

Yeah, exactly.

It's very easy to work out at this point.

She comes over to England.

And basically, she was single and

she was going on all these television shows.

And I assume you interviewed her at some point.

Did you interview her?

She came on Soccer AM.

Yeah.

Right.

She came on Soccer AM.

She came on this.

My show that I was on at the time was one of the first shows I did.

It was called Pawpatron.

It was on BBC Two.

Paw Patrol.

Wow.

You and Chase used to go off and try and solve crimes.

I'm not exactly sure.

Sorry.

I don't think they solve crimes in Paul Patrol.

I doubt they found a bloody glove and a dagger.

Let's get the dogs on this.

Oh, you've eaten all the clues again.

That's actually a really good premise for a book.

I love that.

So

she was interested, I think, in an English suitor.

Yeah, I think that's true.

Whoa, a man in job purse.

Yes, please.

All these shows she went on, you know, she would get on with the host, and then she was sort of courting all these hosts.

Then there were various different ones: David Dickinson, yes, Danny Crane, Henry Kelly, yeah, All of these guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Richard Littlejohn, Trevor McDonald, Eamon Holmes.

Michael Parkinson.

It was everyone was there.

But what we didn't anticipate, which I think is more of an American thing, maybe, I don't know, she sort of went on dates, I think, singularly with a few of us.

Whoa, this is a love triangle.

It's like like an octagon.

Oh, my God.

There's so many people in this arm.

So the first time

she invited me out for dinner.

Yep.

And I arrived and there were like 15 people there.

I can't remember if you were at this one.

I was like, this is fucking weird.

Anyway, I was sort of trying to work out if I was her date and everyone else was just like part of the thing.

And then there was like one spare chair and then like Steve Jones, you know, the sort of Welsh Adonis walked into the room.

I was like, oh, I'm fucked here.

It was that kind of thing.

It was like it's sort of a Henry VIII's time.

Yeah.

It was like we were in like Love is Blind or something, some sort of like, you know, reality love show where there was like the bachelor, but like she would be at the head of the table and then it would just be like like nine different TV presenters who all thought they were there alone.

Exactly.

And this is 2009.

Everyone is sitting in their best ironed super dry shoes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, I had the All Saints shirt on that had the wire in it where you could like lift it up.

And I mean, to cut a long story short, there was two

very specific moments that I remember.

One of which was again,

somehow she kept us all interested because she was so nice and so beautiful.

And so we were like, okay, here's another meal.

You're idiots.

Total idiots.

It was kind of like a pyramid scheme.

It was like we all felt that like we were working our way up the pyramids when in fact I have a photo of the three of us

wearing like Norman chainmail.

Yeah.

Oh my God, I forgot that.

What is that?

I forgot that.

What is that?

She made you go on a crusade.

We killed thousands.

We massacred in order to get her love and to win her favor.

We went to this like...

Oh my God, I forgot that.

Please say jousting.

Please.

Basically, yes, it was near London Bridge, near Tower Bridge, where it's like one of those old, you know, those meals where you like, you eat chicken legs.

Like meadows,

and you have these actors who come to the table and go, oh, hello, I am Sir Cornforth from

the worst.

And then they have like a sword fight in front of us.

See, we did that.

That's fun.

We also did karaoke together.

Hang on, as a trio, the three of you went with her.

There might have been others.

I've no idea who else was there.

this is why we became friends because we were very much realized this is a total fuck up so ridiculous people like have we got chance have we not and so we ended up sort of connecting but then you went on a date didn't you kiss her at some point on hampster heath i got papped on primrose hill yes and i remember seeing it and being so sad

to the daily mail and it's like is this person going out with sports pundit max rushton and then she was asked about it at like interviews and like laughed it off.

No, not at all.

I was like, oh, that's a pity.

It seemed like quite a good day.

I thought I'd had, but she laughed off the question.

But anyway, we were invited to another one of these dinners.

And by this time, I've lost the will to live.

But you're still thinking, oh, you never know.

Can I?

Can I?

Could I?

Maybe I can get rid of all this thousands of people.

So we turn up this dinner and I'm like, I'm just like, okay, I'm just going to be normal.

I'm just going to sit wherever I sit.

I'm going to try and sit next to her.

But I arrive and there is like a seat for me.

And I don't know where you are, Joel.

I think you arrive late.

I can't remember.

There's a seat for me.

She's at the head of the table.

And then Lee Ryan from Blue.

Lee Ryan from Blue is opposite me.

And I'm here.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

And then

I remember he says, She said, She said, I used to, I live in LA.

And he went, I used to live in LA.

And then bad things happened.

And

he said, This is a direct quote.

He said, and Heath Ledger died, and they made me take Ritalin.

I've never forgotten his sentence.

What does it mean?

Who did?

Where's this from?

I don't know.

It was so, it was so weird.

Then do you remember then?

There's a full table.

I'm going to say 12 people, something like that.

Everyone chatting.

Everyone sort of, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Then Jesus says, one of you will betray me tonight.

It did feel like that.

You know, she was Jesus at the head of the table.

And then, so everyone's chatting.

Everyone's having a nice time.

And then Leryon gets an email on his phone.

Cool.

He goes, Well, I've just been sent a backing track.

And everyone's like, Okay.

And then he just plays a song on his phone.

And it's really loud on his phone.

And slowly but surely, everyone stops talking because you're like, What is this weird music?

And then he's just then just holding a phone.

And then there's like 12, 15 people around this table just like listening to this backing track.

And he's just holding it up.

And then we listen to the whole song in silence.

And then he sort of it finishes and he's just like, cool, right?

But how does this end with the late?

Does she go, you've wooed me with this, Lee Ryan from the bottom?

From that thing.

From Blur.

Sorry.

Didn't he talk about writing a movie where, a horror movie where everyone comes around and then she's for dinner?

And he was going to eat her for dinner.

And then he said he wanted to travel.

He recommended Lake Ghana.

in northern Italy.

So, okay.

Then he said, we're all sitting around.

He's moved to the other end of the table.

And as the bill come around, he just shouts over to her and goes, it's all right, I've got yours.

And then he says, shall we leave for the Paps?

And she went, yes.

And I'm going, what paps?

There are no paps here.

This is ridiculous.

It was a realization moment for me that this was not the world I wanted to be in.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was the real same thing for me, actually.

It was like a real moment where I was like, oh, I don't think I fit in in this madness.

It was really fascinating.

And obviously it was so exciting and like interesting and going like, oh, this is this mad LA world.

Yeah.

Because I was such a young comic and I was like, oh my God, this is so cool that I'm sort of wrapped up in all of this.

Is there still a slightly competitive freesan between the two?

Like, is it like, are you both trying to sort of woo me now?

Have I moved into the role of Shannon Daugherty from Beverly Hills

or whoever it was?

I just remembered one other bit was with Steve Jones when we'd finished dinner and she said, I want to go dancing.

And I said, why don't we go to the Roxy, which is on Rathbone Place, like plastic cups, would play like a prayer.

And Steve Jones said, I'm a member of the Groucho.

So then we went to the Groucho Club.

I've never been here before.

And she was like, oh, I'm so hungry.

And the kitchen was closed.

And he just sort of walked into the kitchen and came out with some ice cream.

And I was so shit-faced, I just took it off him, ate it and went home.

Oh, my God.

You guys.

It was unbelievable.

What an amazing time.

Sadly, none of that can stay in because it's nothing to do with what we did yesterday.

Damn it.

So where are you now?

Where are we now?

So I left you on the bombshell that I'd just meeting up with a running YouTuber and I ran 19K in Winchester.

19K?

So I'm training for the London Marathon right now.

Okay.

Okay.

When is that?

That is the end of April.

So I've got four weeks, basically, just less than four weeks.

I'm trying my best to run a sub-three-hour marathon.

Oh, okay.

It's very tough.

Very tough to fit it all in and all that jazz.

But yeah, it was nice just to sort of get some tips and stuff and then just run around the Winchester countryside with a very accomplished runner.

So you're saying to fit it all in, as in you just you don't have time to do a four-hour marathon.

So like you have to just, you've only got three hours to do it.

And have you done the marathon before?

Have you done are you an experienced marathon runner?

Yeah, I've done about five before.

Okay.

One marathon that I've done, I did longer than a marathon when I did that show with Nish.

I did a marathon in Mexico.

Like there's this amazing tribe that

run like barefoot and they do long distances, like hundreds of miles.

For the tele show, we said, Oh, we're gonna run 30 miles.

Oh, my!

They all laughed at us because it was so short.

Whoa, yeah, I know, and it was absolutely horrific.

Nish found this amazing energy drink that they make naturally, it has all this stuff, and it's supposed to give you the energy for the run.

I downed it because I thought that was that's what you're supposed to do.

Turns out you're supposed to drink like a tiny amount of it, and so the entire 30 miles, I was absolutely completely shitting my pants,

like shitting my pants to the point where I was like, This is happening, this is just a this is part of my

you know, and you did it, you did 30 miles.

I did 30 miles and then just got through to the end.

This is how mad they were because it would be like four mile loops, so we kept on doing this four mile loop of up and down the mountains and all of this mad stuff.

They would have this guy who was like the mayor of the town, and he would basically had these stones to indicate the different people.

And when you cross the start line and do a loop, he would put a stone so he knew how many laps everyone had done.

And then in the town, because it's like a festival, they just get so hammered whilst you're running that he just stopped doing all the stones and he didn't know how many loops anyone had done.

And so I knew how many loops I'd done, but like everyone else was counting on him.

And so no one knew.

And then so they just did like extra loops and they just carried on after he finished.

Bear in mind, I'm against 60-year-old men in jeans.

I'm wearing like the traditional garb, thinking that they're all gonna be in the traditional sort of dress that they wear.

They're running in jeans, they're wearing in jeans and like ACDC t-shirts.

It's gonna chafe after mile 27.

Matt.

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Rules and restrictions apply.

Joel, have you got those

runners that are meant to make you go faster?

Have you got those the big ones that look like glam rock platforms?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like the trainers.

Yeah, they have like carbon fiber in them that sort of fancies you along a little bit.

Are we allowed to wear those?

I'm allowed to wear them, and it really helps, to be honest.

And it's fantastic because you put them on and you do feel like a good runner, but you also secretly feel like Gary Glitter.

They're Heelys.

They've got little wheels in the background.

They've got little wheels.

They've got little wheels.

And I've got very small feet as well.

So I've got a size seven feet.

Wow, that's tiny absolutely tiny could cost you a place at the finish line couldn't it because he's if it's a photo there's rarely a photo finish at the end of a marathon Wilson Kipkitour might just edge him to fifth place in the marathon I've done it twice I did it in

I think 06 and 07 London

and I'm not designed for running the first one I went to goa and got dysentery and that was bad a bad training for a marathon at the start of the marathon well about five weeks before so it did affect training did they say ready

steady goer

they didn't sadly because no they didn't know they didn't know i didn't like tell the starter and i wasn't right at the front so they'd been like you know somebody who's like 30 000th back and i got overtaken by

i mean somebody who looked like like mr miyagi's great great great granddad at about mile 18 and i was overtaken by a cream bun on the map like genuinely, someone dressed as a cream bun.

Are you sure you weren't hallucinating at this point?

But now it's so bad because I've been running so much, my legs just hurt all the time, yeah, and I just can't really sleep because of my legs hurt so much.

So, I'm just like lie in bed, and my legs are like

all the time, and it just feels awful.

I just can't wait to get this marathon finished.

And then I have a solution.

Don't, just don't

do it.

It's absolutely fine.

Are you doing it for charity or for a cause, Joel?

I'm doing it for a charity called Brain Tumor Support, who are brilliant.

They're really great.

They really helped me and my wife when my wife's mum had a brain tumor support.

You got to do it then.

You got to do it.

I'm sorry.

I've changed my tune now.

What are you doing even here?

Get out there.

Put on your giant, stupid boots, and let's get this thing done.

Okay, so we drive back from Winchester then.

Yeah, we drive back from Winchester.

In silence, no podcast on in the car at all, just wind whistling through.

I listen to the solo albums of Lee Ryan all the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just the backing tracks.

Just the backing tracks.

I get back and then

my son is having dinner.

So I play with my son for a bit.

That's fun.

There's this

house being built down the road.

There's diggers currently in there.

Oh,

man.

Construction is everything.

It's so fun.

Just taken to there and watches diggers and he watches the dagger.

What is it?

With, you know, there's a phenomenon in Italy of old retired men who stand watching construction like it's an actual thing where you'll just see them just enjoying watching a building being built slowly for hours.

But there's something about small boys then as well.

I don't think I had this.

I'm fascinated by it.

I could watch a building being demolished and remade for hours.

I remember once when I lived in Elephant Castle, this is when I first met you, Matt.

I remember once the road was being resurfaced, and I just stopped and I watched it for about three hours.

It was absolutely fascinating just seeing it being peeled back.

Something being done is so fascinating to watch because our lives, it's mental, isn't it?

Like you might put loads of effort into like a script or a joke or like something.

And then you go to a gig and then that joke doesn't work.

and you're like i just spent all day working on that yeah it's pointless it's all pointless stuff it's not pointless but it can be pointless sure there's nothing pointless about moving dirt from one place and putting it in a road you've run 19k and done a podcast and hoovered and yet all you've had is a tiny cappri son of chicken yeah yeah had a porridge he had a porridge i know but

look at this guy he needs to fuel that yeah that furnace We stopped at the cafe at the end and I bought myself a chicken wrap.

Okay.

Was it good?

It was good, actually.

Yeah, it was really nice.

Delicious stuff.

I was very thirsty after the run because it was quite warm.

And I drank an unbelievable amount of water because I was thirsty.

And I drank too much water.

It made me feel mental.

What?

Can you give us an approximate?

Was it fire water, aka vodka?

It turned out I'd i've it's been pure vodka and you didn't notice for two liters you're like this water is that's how hardcore i am i know you guys know me and you know i am i am a big drinker yeah yeah yeah how much water are we putting away after 19k in the sweltering spring i'm gonna say i did two liter yeah just down the hatch at least two and a half maybe And then it just made me feel really like, oh, God, I'm so full and weird.

And so in the car, I felt odd.

Then this is again, I thought this day wasn't exciting.

It's actually quite exciting, but it's quite a bougie day.

19K.

I felt kind of all right.

My legs are a bit stiff, but not too bad.

Got back, played my son a bit, took him to the

house being built next door.

And then I put him to bed at seven o'clock.

It's when he goes to bed.

My wife and I.

This is what I sort of got my wife and I for Mother's Day.

Here we go.

Bounce bounce

This is when the freshly bicked comes into play.

No, no.

I got us both a masseuse to come to the house.

Oh, okay.

Bounce bounce bounce.

They came to the house.

And this is a lady we've had before.

It's great, right?

So it's on this app called like it's urban app or something.

This lady comes to your house and she sets up the bed and stuff.

She does it in this room.

So there's like kids' toys everywhere.

You have your massage.

I don't like massages

because I don't like the unpredictability of it.

It's expensive.

And then sometimes you get like an unbelievable thing.

And sometimes you just get someone who's like,

like, sort of lightly dusts your back.

And I'm like, I'm not into that.

But you've got to pay the safer.

So we found this lady who's unbelievable.

And so basically, once a month or something, we get her to come to the house.

She massages my wife first.

And then um then it's my turn does she use violence she doesn't use violence you know does she like use her elbows on your oh i thought you meant sort of like maybe like a handgun

she's like bend over it put your nose on the ground now

put your face in the hole put your face in the hole

no i meant the you know what i meant is it deep tissue is you're saying is it like are you saying is it quite uncomfortable because you mentioned that i quite like the reason i don't like massages I find quite a bit uncomfortable.

I find sometimes if they get near the inner thigh, I'm not relaxing, I'm just tensing up as to how far they're going to go.

And actually, all I want is like a kitten to stroke my back for half an hour.

That is my absolute dream.

I just want to be rubbed softly.

So I would be really happy for a light dusting.

I'd get if there was an app for a light duster to come and erect a bed and just dust me.

I'm all in.

She gets into the tissues, does she?

She gets into the tissues.

I'm sure there is a subsection on this app for

pussycats to come around to your house and give you a light dusting.

I'd love that.

Get into the tissues sounds even more like a wank now.

Are your nips okay after the 19k?

Have you sussed that or have you sort of firmed them up because you run so much?

They're like calluses now.

I've now got sort of, they're no longer nipples anymore.

They're like sort of thimbles.

I do still do get it sometimes with certain tops, but if you wear the right top, then it's generally okay.

But for the marathon, I'll tape them up.

Good idea.

Or Vaseline them up, you know.

Just put Vaseline everywhere, but generally for the marathon.

My nips have been okay recently, but it's so odd when you do have, when you bleed a little bit from the nipple, it's such a weird pain, and it's like got like a little sort of black dot on the end of your nipple.

Then when it sort of

goes over it, so it looks very odd.

So your nipples then look like eyes.

And then you can draw a nose and a mouth.

Your belly button can can be the mouth.

And then you can just have fun all day on your own.

The shocked emoji.

That's what you say.

Again, my son is really obsessed with nipples right now.

Like he is obsessed with nipples, belly buttons.

If you want to make my son smile, get your belly button out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He loses his mind.

If you were to hoover your own belly button,

he would lose his mind.

The only nips difficulty I've ever had is sometimes I've been roped in to play for other people's football teams who have a shirt where the badge is sewn in on the back you know what i mean and then if you're not used to this and you're not wearing one of those cool italian type vests underneath it then it can cause problems or one of those things that they wear now for football you know they wear those the bra things the bra

underneath yeah very interesting i'm not at that level you guys and sorry if i made it sound before like juventus had signed me and i've played one game for them and gone, this jersey is too uncomfortable.

And then just come back and play for Do Never FC on Accol Island in County Mayo instead.

Okay, so we've had the massages.

Had the massages, unbelievable.

So I feel a bit sort of like woozy after that.

Yeah, nice.

Whilst my wife was having her massage, I cooked.

We'd have that stuff that's, you know, like the stuff that gets sent to you in a box.

Yeah.

That is like has the menus in it.

I get these.

And David is, I would say, he hates this more than he hates anything anything else on earth.

So, look, I just get a ratatouille vibe off it where the rat is just telling you what to do.

I feel it's like an air fix kit with a rat in your hat.

However, in the last week, a change has happened, which is I noticed that a lot of podcasts are getting sponsored by

idiot meals for fucking idiots in a box.

So I've decided to really tone down my hatred

of them and instead be like, mmm, curried marimundi in plastic.

If only there was some way of doing this without getting it delivered in a shoebox to your house like a piece of shit.

So I am now not going to be critical of them anymore.

No, no, it sounds like it.

You're not.

What's in your box?

Last night it was like a chicken.

Tell you what odd never really had it before we get it a few times in this recipe box thing what is bulgar wheat where did that come from it's like couscous isn't it like big couscous well and it's great you've literally like three minutes it's dark bulk bulgar wheat yeah bulgar yeah when they name foods they should really think about making it not words that you don't want to put in your mouth

you know what i mean i don't want to put a bulga in my mouth but you did right i did i had plenty of bulgar.

Chicken, how have they spiced it?

Presumably they've given you something.

Yeah, some sort of spice.

I don't know whether you have the same ones in Australia.

You probably don't.

We have quite like, if they're interested in sponsoring this podcast, and they're excellent.

Fuck's sake.

Like, if we do have to do one of those awkward two-person reads of the ad, you can just do all of the chatting, Max.

That's what I'm saying.

I mean, I don't see any other way of doing it.

All I'll do is offer this,

just quite a judgmental,

which is probably not what quite like want.

I don't know if you've had this with your podcast, Joel, but like the producer Miles Ball did say, you know, like if you go well in America, you do get offers from guns.

And I'm just all in favor of this podcast is brought to you by Uzi.

You know, shoot people you don't like with Uzi.

I've just started and it's great.

I'm talking about you.

Give it a try.

If you're not into guns, why not give it a go?

Joel, I have an important question.

You've put this meal in motion.

You've then gone down to the playroom to get fiddled with by a stranger.

Is part of your mind not, oh shit, the bulgur is going to start flying across the room like popcorn soon?

I ate my one whilst my wife was doing hers.

Oh, okay.

Which I thought was actually a bit of an error, to be honest.

Quite a heavy meal before a massage.

Yeah, that is silly.

It was silly.

She was pushing on my sort of lower back, and I felt like maybe Bulgar was going to come back,

bringing Bolga back, which I think was a Justin Timberlake album.

It was good.

So I then made that and I ate that, and then I left one a plate for my wife when she'd finished hers.

Nice.

Yeah, we finished the massage, and it was fantastic.

You know, you feel just like

afterwards.

My son, sort of, he's usually pretty good at sleeping, but he cried a little bit.

And so I had to go in and hug him for a little bit.

That was nice.

And then put him back down.

Again, after a massage, it takes away all of the relaxing nature of the massage.

When you've got a crying child, it sort of counteracts the £65 that I'd spent on someone to rub me.

You're saying it's not relaxing when a child is screaming while you're blasting adolescents on the big screen across the room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, shitting bulgur out of your ass like ping bong balls.

All right.

And are we nearly bedtime now?

You don't strike me as up till 1 a.m.

type of guy.

I love early bedtimes.

Yeah.

If I'm not touring,

then i like to be in bed by like nine

love it why would you go to bed any later like people stay up late to watch tele what are you doing go to bed

like go to bed like and i know that's i should probably be you know very very tele to promote tele because i'm on it in a very similar way to david with his sort of packaged uh menu you know center thing i stop talking about that i should encourage people to stay up and watch tele a lot of the time on this podcast, I will tell people how nice it is to take your headphones out and just go for a walk or a run.

Don't listen to podcasts.

Just do not.

You don't need to listen.

It's just waffle.

It's just blah, blah, blah.

Leave it, listeners.

I can't wait for your new podcast called Silence.

And it's literally, you go, hi, welcome to Silence.

And it's an hour of silence.

And then that's it.

Brought to you by Jod Pers.

Yeah.

It's the only bit that's not silent is in the middle.

You're like, have you tried HelloFresh?

Really convenient meals.

Send them to your door.

Hi, it's David.

I hope you're enjoying the podcast.

This episode is brought to you by Smith and Western Pitos.

All right, so is it straight up to bed?

Is it, you know, all the classics?

Brush your face, brush your teeth.

Yeah.

George, presumably you have to have a shower after a massage.

I didn't.

Is that bad?

Because I've probably made my sheets quite oily.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, and I just bought new sheets, actually, so I haven't thought about that.

I've just got got new sheets which are fantastic because i've really been i'd had a problem where i move quite a lot in my sleep and i roll a lot and when i roll i then take the flat sheet off the bottom oh yeah it pings off the corner yeah yeah it annoys me so much valance is that a valance like holly valance

is that what it is called a valance no i don't think so i think this is just the sheet he's talking about just the sheet that you know the footed sheet he's got the one with the elastic around the four corners that's not a valence not holly valance what's a valance a valence is just a bit off the end of the bed it's just like a bit of extra sheet you don't need oh maybe a valance is the one that hangs down like the sort of haunted curtains in a house yeah they're pointing you're talking about the actual sheet so how have you rectified this so bought new sheets turns out there's ones that you can get that have like a rubbery bit on the elastic incontinence sheets incontinence sheets and then plastic around your crotch.

Yeah.

And it holds on and it's worked, man.

I've had them for a week.

Wow.

And they're fantastic.

They haven't pinged off once.

Oh, I'm delighted for you.

Honestly, revelation.

This episode is brought to you

by

the side that don't ping off.

Are they a bit warm, though?

This is interesting.

What would you pick, right?

When I ordered these new sheets, I had a choice.

I had cool and crispy.

Yeah.

Gross.

Or smooth.

Smooth and rough smooth and rough smooth and like you know like warm like that sort of vibe okay you want cool but you don't want crispy is not where you want your sheets to be that's your sheets at university isn't it that you don't change for a whole term that's crusty it depends what temperature room you're running so the obvious question is joel do you run a warm bedroom well this is interesting because i'm fascinated with this because we have a monitor in my child's in my son's bedroom i'm fascinated with the temperature and what it is.

Apparently, the sort of perfect temperature for a child is between about 16 degrees, which feels quite cold.

Yeah.

16 degrees and about 21, 22 degrees.

Right.

So last night we were on the edge of 22 degrees and I was thinking maybe we need to go to the sort of the lower tog.

But I like to run it cold, man.

I like to run it cold.

I get so warm in the night.

And we as humans are supposed to have cold.

We're supposed to go to sleep cold.

Right.

I don't know about this.

I like a cold pillow.

A cold pillow.

Flicking the pillow and it being cold.

That's nice, isn't it?

What TOG are you working with, Max Rushton?

No idea.

I just put the duvet on.

Yo, you're in Australia, so do you have air conditioning?

We don't have air conditioning in our bedroom, no.

If it's hot at night, it's just a sheet.

It's just a sheet.

Because some nights are just like, come on.

We can't have 38 degrees.

This is ridiculous.

Would a sheet just be considered no tog?

Oh, yeah, good question.

Yeah, a tog only is a thing, I think, in the colder parts of the world.

I feel like I'm aware during this podcast that I don't know anything, but I've been asked many questions as if I'm an expert brought onto this program to answer questions about Michael Rose and Jodpas and TOGs.

And I have to admit, I'm just not the guy.

This was the kind of chat that really got the lady from 902.10 and going.

I think this is why she realized that other people were maybe for her.

And we were at a dinner party going like, what TOG are you working with?

And the other one going, this is interesting, actually.

And we're going, oh, this is genuinely interesting.

This is interesting.

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I've got an intimate question just as we doze off here.

For a man who has run a lot today,

what position do you try and you can see there's a degree of peak performance to Joel Domit.

So what I want to know is what position in the bed is he trying to sleep in?

Well, I often fall asleep fully on my front.

I like to sleep on my front as if I've been shot in the back of the head.

Face down.

Like I'm face down, like arms by my side.

Like I've literally, that's the vibe that I've go for.

Okay, yeah.

Then something obviously happens while I'm asleep because I always wake up not in that position.

Yes.

So either I've moved or someone has moved the dead body that has been shot.

It's your son.

He comes in at the night with a big little digger.

What are you working with, DOD?

What's your vibe?

Similar to you, I have a dream, and the dream is that I just lie on my back with my arms by my sides, just staring upwards.

However, at some point along the line, that dream becomes reversed.

I go on my side initially, and then as Max is sick of me talking about during the night, I seem to fold my arms under me like a dead body in a coffin that's been turned over and so I wake up with this sort of pain in my shoulders like it's a large bed me and the helicopter have the biggest bed currently available on the market

in Ireland the biggest bed in the world yeah which weirdly is still only queen during

during the night I think she might have a cattle prod or something.

That's the theory I'm working on at the moment, that awful deeds are happening during the night.

What do you think of to go to sleep?

Or do you have enough tiredness in the system now from the run and the massage and the day generally?

No, I fall asleep quite easily.

And I like to think of, like, some people don't like to overthink to make them sleep, but I really love, I often think of like my tour show, what I can improve.

Oh, yeah.

I like to think of like running, what I need to do to do there,

like those weird, sort of quite monotonous,

repetitive thoughts, and then I'm asleep.

Then I'm done.

Whereas my wife needs me to put a YouTube video on for her to fall asleep.

She can't just fall asleep with her own thoughts.

So I have to put a YouTube video on where we watch it together.

The problem is she can fall asleep immediately.

So I can literally put a YouTube video on.

30 seconds in, she's asleep.

My kind of mind, I have to watch to the end of a YouTube video.

Hopefully you haven't picked, you know, last year's London Marathon or, you know, let's just see how comic relief went.

I'll watch that.

You know, I picked the whole of Lord of the Rings Return of the King.

Damn it.

This is four and a half hours.

So that's annoying.

So then I'm off and starting and I'm like, why did I pick one that's 35 minutes, Joel?

Yeah.

Why?

Can't you just say, I'd like to delegate this to you.

I don't need a YouTube.

You roll over and watch YouTube and I'll sort myself out.

Yeah, then she says that she can't hold the phone properly and then it doesn't make her fall away.

So we could get her a little tripod.

We could get her a little.

I should get her a little bed tripod.

Some great suggestions here and maybe a new sponsor for our podcast.

Yeah, bed tripods.

Tripods.

I don't know about you, Max, but whenever I'm in bed, I get tired from holding the little screen.

Yeah.

So this episode is brought to you by bed tripod.

Yeah, I'd like to be able to play Squedal without holding the phone, just one finger going round and round and round.

I would love that.

I think it could be hanging from the ceiling like a sex swing.

Yes.

And so it's there in front of you.

You just set it on a timer and then it rises after

10 minutes.

That's nice.

Either that or you put the phone on the bed and then you are in the swing.

Yeah, the whole bed drops.

You sleep in the swing and you're just about a couple of inches away from the bed and your eyes, you can then put the phone on the bed and you're just slightly there.

And then you sleep like that.

You're going to have a much smaller bed just for the phone, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

And

you don't need to worry about togs because the phone doesn't.

This podcast is brought to you by bed phones.

A little bed for your phone.

Solo, you're asleep, Joel.

So that's it.

Thanks, everyone.

Thanks for coming on.

Yeah, it's absolutely fantastic.

Was that a good day?

We don't judge the

news gathering exercise.

But I think you ticked a lot of boxes there.

There was a degree of love.

There was a degree of massage.

The big two.

Big two.

And you also got off your arse and ran through the countryside as well.

Reasonably well, I think.

Did some parenting.

Did some good parenting, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, it felt good.

It felt like a good sort of a balanced day, actually.

You know, it's a classic sort of day off, I suppose, for me.

Parenting, a bit of running, a bit of bougie at the end.

Did you take any photos yesterday?

It's a question we occasionally ask.

Have you got your phone there?

Yeah, I took some photos when we were running.

Your bleeding nips, just soaking

in the countryside.

And one outside Winchester Cathedral, which is absolutely delightful.

Because it's all I know about Winchester.

I imagine your run was just you doing laps and laps and laps of the cathedral.

Yeah, yeah, up and down, inside, actually.

Finishing Finishing with the sprint up to the altar.

It just basically just sprints up and down the aisle.

And they've got this big, huge, sort of embroidered the hungry caterpillar there, and a man in a cassock reading it.

That's what happens at church.

That is what happens.

Yeah, it was fun.

It was a nice and nice day.

I really appreciate it.

It's been nice to go through.

You know what?

Sometimes you can take days for granted.

There you go.

You know, you can take days for granted and you just move on to the next day.

It's nice to sort of go back and revisit.

You know, it's nice for me.

I don't know whether it's nice for a separate listener.

Yeah, it is.

Phone lines are jumping.

You'll always have this day.

You'll always have this day.

It'll always be here.

Yep.

I've got this at the end of my new tour show.

I basically

read out diary entries that I wrote in 2004 from my real diary.

And then at the end of the show, I do this lovely diary entry from today's date and sort of going, like, oh, if you could see yourself now in 2004, blah, blah, blah.

And it's a really lovely thing.

Every night,

every night, I forget to remember what the date is.

And so, this beautiful end, which is really sort of bringing everything together, loads of lovely callbacks, always starts with me going, opening my diary and going, sorry, what day is it?

And then I have like an audience of however many people just go, oh, it's the 35th, okay, it's the 31st of the fifth.

So it really sort of ruins the end, really.

But I've really appreciated talking to you guys.

What a pairing.

Thank you very much for sharing your day with us, Joel Darbett.

It's been an absolute pleasure.

Have a good rest of your day.

Both of you, Max, I don't know what time it is with you.

Quarter to 10.

Quarter to 10.

You know, if you notice me flagging in the last half hour of this, it's because, you know, it's past my bedtime.

But, you know, I don't let people know that because everything is showbiz.

I've just kept right on it.

I felt the flag about three and a half minutes in oh for god's sake it's been more flag than on flag

okay thank you very much joel thanks joel have a lovely day love you guys

so there was joel's day david now We need to say for the tape because listeners will be thinking, there was part of this that didn't happen yesterday.

And I don't know how I feel about that being broadcast, even though how Joel and I met was very odd.

And it still remains the oddest few weeks of my life.

It's very odd.

The whole glory eras of soccer FM, soccer FM, the whole glory years of soccer AM, soccer FM.

This probably is a thing, actually.

Great radio station.

Yeah.

Surprised I don't have breakfast on that.

Come on, give me mid-mornings on soccer AFM.

Yeah, nothing surprises me about that that era.

You've just told me so many things.

In a way, you've forgotten how ridiculous they were.

Yeah, but was it wrong of Joel and I to tell that story?

Because it does not fit with the remit of the podcast, and we've always been very strict.

Yeah, I think it was very skillfully done by me because it was.

You know, you guys didn't just start telling it.

I was really

like Frost versus Nixon.

Yeah, you were full Dimbleby.

You Dimblebee then.

Yeah.

Answer the question.

Answer the question.

That's what I was like.

But thank you so much, Joel.

Lovely man.

I don't want a Tureen out of a pouch for lunch, but like, that's, you know, we're all different.

Imagine running 19K.

For me, that would have played a much bigger, not a bigger role in the day, but at one point he'd forgotten that he had run 19K.

And that

is not something that happens with David O'Doherherty.

It's never going to slip my mind doing a half marathon, is it?

Oh, yeah, and there was that.

It was, you know, like some guests are like, oh, no, I did have breakfast.

Yeah.

Oh, I did have a coffee.

Oh, yeah.

I did do the marathon desable across the Sahara for six days.

You're right.

I don't know why I've forgotten that.

Anyway, if you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here's how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidydo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

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And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

So yeah, please, we do really rely on your content and emails, especially for the midweek Mayhem pods, because otherwise they don't.

It's just a cheese, not just a cheese.

Don't be ridiculous, man.

They're just normal cheeses.

Did you get that when I, what's that, that, that acronym, TJ, TJNC.

I just messaged that to you.

They're just normal cheeses.

TJNC.

It'll catch on.

People will be like, tjnc what's on this cheese board tjnc of course anyway thanks david let's do it again sometime oh let's do it again thanks max

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Hello, Max Rushton here.

You might remember me from Series 9, Episode 2 of Parenting Hell.

I'm here to tell you about Dog by the Bakery Door, the debut children's book by author Jamie Bruce.

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Here's a review from my three-year-old son.

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Full disclosure: the author might be his mother and my wife, but even more reason to buy it.

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Thank you, goodbye.