S3 EP13: Helen Bauer

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us we're here to ask the only question that matters we'll try and say it at the same time max what did you do yesterday what did you do yesterday what did you do yesterday that's it all we're interested in is what the guest got up to yesterday nothing more day before yesterday max nope the greatest and most interesting day of your life unless it was yesterday we don't want to know about it I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Daherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

My name's Max Rushton.

Alongside me, for life, whether he likes it or not, is David O'Doherty.

I think he likes it.

Podcasts.

There are millions of them.

Yeah, there are.

Some might say too many.

Afraid of talking to the man?

Surely everyone false forwards that be.

Yeah, but it's still

there.

Hello, listeners.

Hello, Max.

Boy, do we have a special What Did You Do Yesterday Today?

With Helen Bauer.

One of my great friends from the world of comedy.

Helen is also a friend of mine.

We just did the Edinburgh Fringe together.

She's on tour with her show at the moment.

Her new podcast that we touch upon during the episode is Helen's Log,

and I believe it's episode three.

You can listen to that if you want to get more background to this episode that we have on now.

And this is what Helen did yesterday.

Helen Bauer, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Thank you for having me.

I tried really hard to get Helen, and she was always busy doing other things because I think she's made for this podcast.

I've never said this about a guest before.

You're expecting big things.

This is going to be a GOAT episode.

Top five.

Oh, my God.

Top five.

That was supposed to be a compliment to me and immediately I'm livid and upset with you and feel like there's pressure put on me.

Do you know what though?

What's exciting is because I got the time wrong.

I've just done a two kilometer sprint, which feels like how the high performance podcast world works.

Yeah.

That you have to have just come straight from chin-ups.

Don't worry, Helen.

I've really got this.

Like, I've never been readier to podcast.

Oh, my God.

I'm instantly taking the pressure off you by being exhausted.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Do you do a two-kilometer sprint, actually?

I was at a cafe and David sent a message going, I'm here.

And I was like, why is he there 40 minutes early?

And then I remembered it was 9.30, not 10, because you have other commitments.

As David already established, you're a very busy person.

I have therapy at 11 and we cannot have me missing that because I will go full mental.

Helen, I didn't want to say you therapy because I was too personal.

So I was just like, she's got an important meeting.

That's all it is an important meeting I think it's an important meeting if I didn't do it every single week and at the moment I'm in that point of therapy where I'm just constantly being like do you think I'm done do you think I'm done and she's like no what could be good is is if we overrun yeah a therapist just joins the call

and she starts by saying just maybe tell me what you did yesterday evening it's sort of win-win And then we leave and then you get down to the serious stuff.

Yeah, but if she joins this, then she's going to be recorded.

The reason I'm on the back foot here is the last time me and Helen hung out was the day when I had two breakfasts that were both kind of Turkish eggs and then had to go to the park to blast off

a load of farts, which Helen videoed me just rolling around on the grass, blowing wind out of my ass.

It was

fucking disgusting.

I'm not even like anti-fart like live your life but it was dehumanizing so what time did you get up at yesterday

it was pathetic and it was also the enjoyment he was receiving from each two

was insane it was like each time he was caught by surprise even though he was definitely pushing

like you can see the prep it was awful oh my god why did you make me think about that it actually makes me feel like i want to throw up.

Yeah, my friend Fraser once cleared a room at a house party with an errant guff.

Yeah.

And normally you'll admit it because it's not the biggest crime on earth.

But I don't know if at the time if he admitted it.

We'd been to the Balty King in Sheffield the day before.

That was his excuse.

I don't remember clearing a room.

It's quite impressive.

My least favorite is like walking down the street and being like, oh, I'm alone on the street.

I can let out a big fart.

And you've got your headphones in.

And then you just turn around and you just see someone like eyes wide.

You're like,

anyway, come on, let's get down to business.

Yeah, sorry, I actually did something yesterday.

Can I tell you about it, please?

As per the format,

when it comes up.

Yes.

If it comes up naturally.

Honestly, I did text David this yesterday.

I did have a very boring day.

It was like full work.

I woke up at 7:30 a.m.

Yeah.

That's too early.

Well, were you with Helen?

Because that's when she wakes me up every morning to reserve a space on a Pilates class.

So she's two timing us.

That's what I've concluded from this.

Why'd you put me up that early for a Pilates class reservation?

Because it's in the community center and you have to book it and the phone lines or the text line only opens then.

So it's an absolute farce.

And that's what I now get up.

Why did you get up at 7.30 yesterday?

So I had to do another stupid podcast like I did this morning when I had to get up to do this stupid podcast.

I had to do a stupid podcast.

That's my podcast.

And we we had to record it early in the morning.

And I flew back from Germany the night before.

And I still smelt gross.

And that's awful for me because I didn't get to have breakfast.

What time's the record?

Well, the record is...

11 o'clock.

The record is midday.

No, the record is 10 a.m., but I have to be there at 9.30, but...

There's train strikes.

Ah, there are, yeah.

And the thing is, right, because we've got a live show when there's the tube strike, and suddenly your morals about the importance of unions do change.

I believe in them, but just not this Wednesday.

I sing Billy Bragg, Power and the Union, whilst I'm like flipping them off.

Like I'm looking between the two.

It was awful.

It was awful.

So I was like, I don't know how I'm going to get there.

So I got up so early so I could get there early.

But I like to charm myselves in my morning.

Does that make sense?

I like to enchant myself, David and Max.

Enchanting.

I decided, even though it was going to be a tricky morning trying to get there, that I was going to get up early, go to a cafe and get an iced coffee to drink on one of the several buses.

Nice.

Very charming.

And did you do this?

Was this seamless?

Out of bed.

Okay.

Nothing goes right for sweet Helen.

Right.

Nothing.

Interruption.

Have you thought about not being in a place to do a podcast such as this podcast where you're clearly in a corridor and I'm in this beautiful palatial ballroom where I record my podcasts.

Max is in a cupboard.

Yeah.

Why would you say that?

Well, why do you have to go there?

Do you get more?

Knowing that I've already done it yesterday and I went through a lot of trauma to do it.

Why would you say, why do you bother?

Do you know what it is?

Because you could do it next time.

It sort of might be helpful for next time.

But,

oh, fuck.

It's okay.

It's gone now.

And you had a journey and life is a journey.

Max, do you understand?

I've been podcasting at this studio for years.

I mean, one of the big questions I have about podcasting, Helen, and you are a legendary podcaster, because I've only ever done this remotely with Max, as they say.

Max is normally in Australia where there's a slight delay.

So the question is, when we do the live show together, will I have to leave a little half second after everything he says before I can respond?

Like it's the UN and people are translating directly from Cambodian.

Are you asking me that question?

Because I'm trying to leave a lag.

Or you could.

It means you just feel like you're a foreign correspondent.

You nod for a bit.

You hold your ear and you go, what we do know

is that the flood is abating and we just hope the people survive.

Oh my God.

Wait, wouldn't you rather record in person, though, you two, if you could?

No.

No.

Really?

This is fine.

The new technology makes all this seemless.

I sound like I'm doing an ad for whatever the name of the software we use is.

Zencaster.

This podcast is brought to you by Zencaster.

Very rarely drops out.

Except when I was on holidays in France, and it dropped out four times in the first 10 minutes of talking to Alan Davies.

So that is why I do not do it on the internet.

Also, don't you think it's nice for like, what about men's mental health?

Aren't you supposed to be getting out there and talking to your friends?

All the other podcasts are are about that, and we don't care.

You don't care about it?

No, we don't have time.

It's growing, you guys.

Yes, we're fighting back.

Please be careful.

Let's talk about other things.

That's what I always say.

We've spoken enough about mental health, man.

Let's get back to talking about football and dog racing and things like that.

What?

David's one step away from dog fighting.

That's what he wants to get into.

David, what is something?

Now, Helen, so it's 7.30, talk us through the moment from waking up to leaving the house to get the light.

Great journalism.

In excruciating detail.

Yes.

Yes, please.

7.30, alarm goes off.

I snooze it.

My snooze is nine minutes.

Got it.

I snooze it again.

So when you find out that I'm late later, do not take this into account because it's important to slowly wake up your brain for women's mental health.

Understood.

Actually, and please be respectful.

And then I think I showered because you must.

You don't have to.

A lot of the time I don't.

I actually showered the night before as well because I washed my hair the night before.

You must have been in a right old crud from Germany because you've had two showers and you're still disgusting.

I was fucking disgusting.

Wow, okay.

There's something about going to Berlin where I always come back.

I smell, I swear there's like...

ash all over me.

It's just cigarettes.

I had one beer the entire weekend and I could smell it coming out of my pores.

Wow.

I think it's because I always get stuck with stoners there.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

With someone just like being like, Have you read Finnegan's Wake?

And it's like, No, and neither of you, you fucking moron.

I was in sand for some reason in Berlin with sandals.

Were you in the poopy room in Berkheim?

Is that really why you had to have two showers?

No, you know, I'm not allowed in there anymore.

That's Shaitzeroom.

So we shower?

We shower in a broken shower.

My shower.

Oh, what's wrong with it?

The door doesn't close.

Is that bad?

As in the door to the bathroom or the door, the sort of shower door?

To the shower door.

I just moved into this flat a couple of months ago, and I'm like, that shower door should close properly.

And I always forget as soon as I start showering, and I'm like twirling and like splashing about.

I'd fix this.

Are you like a little ballerina?

They just turn the bottom bit, like a little music box, and then for the whole shower, you're ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

That's lovely.

I'd fix this.

I'd fix fix this in two seconds i know there's nothing wrong with this shower door it infuriates me even to hear about this this is exactly the sort of thing i fix it doesn't like line up yeah do you know what i mean like the the seal like the door it doesn't actually it's the wrong size door for the space yeah it's like those doors to like a medieval castle so yeah

concertinas but it can't fully stretch itself out and the door is wanting to stretch a concertina door is a sad door isn't it so consequently does the floor of the bathroom fill with water then?

And some of it drips down into the kitchen?

Oh, I love that you think I have stairs.

Duplex.

No, it's like the water comes out onto the floor, but then it doesn't go everywhere because the floor...

clearly because this has happened for years has a dip in it oh no

the dip where the floor's eroded away makes a little pool a little pool of stagnant water do you think helen if you had a slip there we might be able to sue the old landlord?

You know what I mean?

If you come out, David,

I'm the landlord.

Oh, congratulations.

Sue yourself.

This is great for millions.

I'm the landlord.

Sorted out, love.

Come on.

I am.

He called me yesterday, the bathroom's man, actually, but I was busy, as you're about to find out.

So shut the up.

Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up.

How stagnant is this water?

Is there like frog spawn in it?

Do you honestly want to know what I do?

I get out of the shower i get on the bath mat and then i just sort of like push the bath

and you suck it all up and then do you put the bath mat in the washing machine or just hang it up and then just next time put a sodden bath mat back down i just leave it oh you leave it there brilliant why are you making me feel disgusting i tell you what this needs if only you had a source a powerful source of air that could blow the water back into the shower.

For example, David had already on all fours, having having just had two large Turkish eggs.

Then I send all the water back down the tray.

Problem solved.

Thank you.

David, to be clear, I wasn't upset by the all fours farts.

It was the ones where you decided to not roll and with each roll upwards of the ass, you farted.

Whereas it would just make more sense to fart into the ass.

So no breakfast.

We don't have any breakfast.

We don't have any breakfast.

I'm watching City Mapper trying to figure out the buses.

buses.

And I'm like, okay, I can get that one.

I can get that one.

But I'm like, I'm not going to have a coffee until I get going because it's like, oh, I got like a long day.

And I had like an audition in the afternoon.

I was nervous for.

I didn't want to make myself anxious.

I'll have a nice coffee on the bus.

No one's ever had a nice coffee on the bus.

Let's just be clear about this.

You don't like the bus?

No, I like the bus, but no one ever, you never, you know, a nice coffee is sitting quiet.

Coffee on the bus.

I mean, bus is full of crazies, right?

I'm one of them.

I'm establishing that quickly.

We've known each other for 17 minutes.

A coffee on the bus is, I need to get this in me because I'm tired.

I would love to show you some of the Southeast London bus routes.

Comedians in buses having coffee.

I think it could work.

I would love to take you on one.

You can sit and you can look out at beautiful views and you can drink like an iced coffee in like a nice little cup with a straw.

Okay.

I'm interested.

And then you cross the river and you can see all the beautiful views of London.

And then I'm playing Pokemon Go.

Okay.

Very nice.

Look, I don't get a coffee though.

That's what I have to pay.

Ah, right.

Okay.

We just go straight to the bus stop.

Well, I go to the bus stop.

A bus that I wanted to get is just leaving.

Not my fault.

I think David's looking at me like it's my fault.

And it wasn't my fault.

My friend sat on the upstairs of a bus for the first time in years recently.

And as it went past the War Memorial Gardens in Dublin, looked in and saw a man who I think lives in the park.

And he was sitting on the bandstand.

The park wasn't open yet and he was having a wank.

So this is the fear of downstairs v upstairs.

Do you have that choice to make, Helen?

I have that choice to make and I go upstairs.

Oh,

say no more.

And that is an act of choice.

I think the guy there, I like that he's made a thing of it.

He's gone to the bandstand.

He's not like just anywhere in a bush.

He's like, I'm off to the bandstand and everyone knows what it means.

Yeah.

It is a euphemism and it fits.

Just as the tiny death is about to occur, he goes, did a little, did a little, did it,

that's a nice wank, isn't it?

With a nice bit of music.

Yeah, I never will without a brass band.

So what number bus is this, please?

The number bus that I wanted to get was the 40.

Uh-huh.

But it was just leaving.

Okay, shit.

It's like a movie scene.

You're chasing the bus.

Oh, no, I won't chase it.

I think it's so humiliating to chase and not get on.

I cannot handle that level of rejection.

Like, it would ruin, I'm talking, like, a couple of months.

Also, and, you know, you can't generalise.

Bus drivers sometimes quite often have a habit of not wanting to pick up the passengers at the stop, which feels to me quite a specific problem, given the jodd remit.

I think that might be a you thing.

They want to pick me up.

All right.

Reversing for you, aren't you?

That's beep beep reversing.

It's Helen Bauer, beep, beep.

Come on, wait.

What's happening to you?

Are you okay?

Are they just trying to

no?

But you know, when you just like sometimes, the bus is gone, but it's stationary, but not right at the bus stop, but maybe five yards away.

And you go to the door and you're like, Can you let me in?

And they're like, I'm sorry, I just can't.

You're like, Well, you cared.

You have the button that works the door.

I'm here.

We can get this transaction done so quickly.

But they're like, Sorry, mate.

You're not at the stop.

That's why you never ask.

It is fucking humid.

I cannot handle it.

Like, I will not run for a bus.

I will not run for a train.

Well, train actually, I will, because there's less people just looking at you like you fucking loser.

I wanted to get the 40 so bad yesterday, you guys.

I wanted to get on it with a coffee.

I see the bus.

I don't have a coffee.

I go to the next bus stop and then I realize that the next one says it's not for 28 minutes,

which is awful.

How many buses is this journey going to be?

i mean you double snoozed which brings us from 730 to 748 the decadent shower with the pooling of the water i'm giving that about 25 minutes no 25 minutes i'm just doing face fanny and feet i've done a hair wash the night before it's awesome you've still got about two hours to get into london from you'd have to say somewhere else in london so it does seem like you're not under that much pressure is that the case you're like really minimizing my trauma of yesterday.

Also, I had to be there at 9.30.

Oh.

By the time I'm leaving, it's 8.

I've done all of this in half an hour.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay.

So I have an hour and a half to get from, yeah, southeast London to central London, to Farrington.

Real tension in this that

I'm doing this without any caffeine.

All I've had is a vitamin C tablet, two magnesium tablets, one antihistamine, and one antidepressant, right?

So I'm...

Breakfast of Champions.

Are they on the closhes?

Do you serve them on a little plate?

It's my brekkie.

Yeah, lovely.

I'm on the bus now with you.

I'm looking around.

Is it school kids?

People have gone back to school now.

David, I haven't even got on the bus yet.

Stop trying to force this to happen.

I go to the next bus stop because I'm like, I'll get a coffee from the next bus stop while I wait this 20 minutes.

And meantime, I'll message my friend Holly, who I do the podcast with, to say I'm running late.

I send that message.

No, I don't.

That's a lie.

She'll listen to this.

I don't message her yet.

I forget to message her for about 30 minutes.

And wait for this.

I don't even get a coffee because I'm too busy trying to figure out.

There can't be a 20-minute gap between buses.

There can't be.

Like, I'm like, that doesn't make any sense.

And then I'm like, you know what?

I'll get another bus, go some of the journey, and then I'll wait there.

Still no coffee.

Poor little Helen.

Yeah, poor Helen.

It's a pity this is buses because if this was tubes of any kind, Max suddenly lapses into this sort of East End character, which is, nah, mate, what you want to do is get the overground to Cutty Sock and then get the baker loo out to Afro Airport and then get straight back in, mate.

He knows

all the train routes.

I do, yeah.

And also familiar with buses.

Within 18 seconds of getting in a taxi, I become the most cockney man that has ever been.

I can't help it.

Fuck it.

I know.

It's terrible.

My wife is like, What's happening to you?

I'm like, I are you start long day for you, mate.

And Jamie's like, What are you doing?

I'm like, I can't help it.

It's just coming out.

I just can't, what's happening here?

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

I know, I agree, mate.

It's terrible.

I refuse to talk to them for dignity, you know.

We're now, we're going from one bus stop to another.

So, I'm going, I decided to get on the 176.

Okay, great choice.

I get on it, there's nowhere to go upstairs.

Like, people are on the stairs and they're speaking on behalf of the whole upper deck and saying, There's no

space up here.

And I believe people, so I don't fight for it.

Okay, is there one person sort of becomes a bit like the foreman of the jury?

Can you all move down, please?

And you're like, even though you're there going, I really want someone to say that, you're like, You're the worst person in the world.

Oh, just you wait until the trains I'm on later.

Okay, okay.

This is

Christ.

I end up going one stop on this bus because then I see the bus I want behind that bus.

Okay, this is a risk, isn't it?

It's a dilemma.

Because what if it pulls out from behind it?

But I want to get on the 40 and there's another 40, even though it lied to me online.

I still don't have a coffee, but I've let go of that now because I'm like, if I get this bus, I'll be on time.

We've got to do this.

Guess what happens?

I get it.

I get the 40.

There's seats upstairs.

What the fuck is happening?

And I get upstairs and I sit down and I immediately decide to stress myself out by listening to the greatest showman, the entire soundtrack.

Perfect.

I see the greatest show.

But I'm like getting emotionally involved as to like what those people went through and like what I would do in the circus and like my mind's all over the place.

Well, when it was written, the idea was not really for it to be a stage show.

They wanted people to be sitting on top the number 40 to really understand.

And I did it.

Yeah.

I did it.

I went up Dog Kennel Hill on a bus.

Is that what it's really called?

Yeah.

Is that okay?

The names of places in London, they're just so.

Are you fucking joking?

Have you seen Ireland?

Yeah, at least they're in Irish, though.

You foreigners can't tell what they're actually called.

They're all called like, fuck the Brits Road.

We have to be like, nah, it's just called Lovely Hill.

It's called Lovely Gentle Hill.

On the Brits Road?

That sounds very nice.

Okay, how long were we on the number 40?

I end up being on it for a full hour and a half.

Magic.

It's awful.

It's not moving.

And I'm doing that thing where, like, I should get out and walk.

I should get out and walk, but I'm not doing it.

Are you sitting in the window or aisle?

You know, when you sort of peer out the window to say, if I could see what the problem is, this bus would speed up.

I know what the problem is.

There's roadworks everywhere, and no one's underground.

Yeah.

Like, usually half of us are underground.

Yeah.

I like being above ground, so I'm usually above ground.

One of those strange humans.

They're in my space.

So it's really frustrating.

And then, but I'm supposed to be having breakfast and I was going to have my second coffee with my friend Holly before we started the recording.

And I didn't get to do that.

The tube dwellers on the bus, all covered in soot, going, I'm not from around here, all like shadowing their eyes from the sun.

I'm sorry, it is weird when the tubes go down and you see the people that are used to underground.

Because they are lost.

Wait, do you do with the underground a lot, Max?

Is that why you know a lot about it?

No, I live in Australia generally, so I just, it's all nostalgia.

I'm harking back to, you know, what London used to be when it used to be great three years ago.

Three years ago.

Yeah.

He knows all the tubes.

He knows how to get from pretty much everywhere to everywhere off by heart.

I was like, I went on U-Bet with Darren Day and I won £20,000 doing all the tube lines and the seat covers.

of the Baker Loo line.

I don't know where David's invented this from.

Every time we've ever had a guest who's getting across london and most of our guests live in brighton you'd have to say but whenever anyone's trying to get across london max immediately knows the routes and the specific stops that they will be getting off at it's nostalgic for me i get excited to think about what i used to know were you bullied badly at school max no it's a mid-range mid-range mid-range do you have friends now some some okay good for you that's nice thanks helen you're welcome.

So, we don't have time to prep the podcast.

We're just going to go in.

Well, hang on, David.

There's a second bus that we need to get on.

This 40 is not taking us all the way there.

No, no, we're doing the 40 the whole way there, and then I'm walking.

Oh, so that drops you off where?

Okay, I vaguely lied to my friend yesterday and said I got off earlier and walked, but I didn't.

So, I got off at somewhere called Snow Hill.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Do you know what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fucking loser.

Get along, man.

I get over Snow Hill.

I'm like, okay, I'm just gonna walk and meet her at the studio, and then we're gonna get coffees.

But she's already had two coffees because she organized her morning better.

But she lives further out than me, which sounds bad, but it's good because then you can just train it.

Of course, she lives in lovely sunny hill near Dark Cannel Mountain and Snow Hill.

These places that we've clearly just made up, like we're 10-year-old children.

Dog Cannel Hill is a real thing.

There's a big Sainsbury's on it.

On my life.

Is this?

Okay, fine.

Then I have a coffee.

Yes.

Where are we going?

Somewhere posh?

It's the record hall

on Baldwin's Gardens.

Right, okay.

Okay.

What are we ordering?

I have an iced white Americano.

Perfect.

It is my go-to.

Okay.

It's very watery.

I love it.

Do you get anything to eat?

You've eaten nothing.

Well, I've had my tablets.

That's true.

Do they?

Oh, I get a banana.

I get a nana.

Okay, fine.

There's only like one good one in the bunch they have out.

You know, when you're in a cafe and you see their fruit bowl and you're like, honestly, two of these pieces of fruit are edible.

Yeah.

And the rest are like, they're too close to being on tree.

Sometimes I look at them and it's like, in the same way that, you know, Radio 2 has to have a jazz program every week.

Does this cafe just have to have fruit on sale?

So there's some tax break they can can claim they're a green grocer if at all times they have five bananas sitting there.

So consequently, they're black with little worms wriggling around on it or green like a plantain.

They're green.

I think everything, the people that run this cafe are so lovely.

I don't know if the fruit's always been there.

I only started paying attention to it recently.

Is it not a dangerous game doing a podcast with a potential big old Americano inside you.

And I don't know if the banana is going to hold that back, if you know what I mean.

I had two bites of the banana.

Then we had to start the podcast because I had a hard out

and I drank the whole cop.

Yeah, I know I had a panic attack during the recording.

I'm not joking.

And the worst thing is that will be released next Monday.

No, Thursday, Thursday this week even.

There's nothing I can do about it.

And does the podcast, subject matter of the podcast, suit a a panic attack or not?

It's just me talking about what I've been up to.

So I guess if I've been up to panicking, that's fine.

But I don't think you understand.

Like, I hate being late.

Like, it makes me so uncomfortable.

Yeah.

And probably similar to you, Max, like every 10 stops, I don't move.

I'm like frozen on the bus, but I'm thinking, could I do that?

Maybe I could jump off and do that.

Maybe I could do that instead.

It's the worst thing.

And I'm trying to play Pokemon Go because I've got this thing in my head at the moment that if I don't get a certain amount of points on Pokemon Go and catch 15 Pokemon then I'm gonna have a bad day because I'm fucking mental and did you I mean you were on the 40 for a long time

obviously can you kill Pokemon or whatever you do when you're doing

do you I catch them sorry gotta kill them all was their early uh slogan can you catch them from the bus as the bus goes through London Yeah, obviously, because it's going so slowly, it thinks I'm walking, right?

Sorry, you might need to backtrack a second

for me.

Not a Pokemon expert.

They're littered about the streets.

Sorry, I'm feeling so attacked right now by like the fucking train loser going, oh screwing, push me up for Pokemon.

No, because you're not as cool as me.

That's why you don't know.

For whatever reason it may be.

Train loser, people quit.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm getting very defensive here.

No, no, you are, but that's fine.

I thought Pokemon Go ended before the pandemic.

No, people quit.

People quit because they don't care.

It's sort of like Google Maps.

Correct.

And it tells you where the little aliens or whatever they are.

Pokemon.

The Pokemon are.

Pocket monsters.

Pokemon.

Oh, pocket monsters.

How close do you have to be to a Pokemon to catch them?

It's got to be in your area, like immediate vicinity, by, I don't know, like 100 meters.

You're not yelling at the bus driver to say, look, you can just take a hang a left here, could you?

No,

I'm not.

Sometimes do I wish they would?

Yeah, okay, but that's not to get Pokémon, that's to spin certain stocks so I can get points.

Look, we can't get bogged down in this, but could you just tell us some of the names of the Pokémon Pokémon that you got yesterday?

Yeah, I can read you out the last ones on my Poké Deck, yeah, please.

I'll just write them down: co-ed school, co-ed school is the name of a Pokémon, no, T-O-E-D-S-C-O-O-L,

And then I got a Paris and then I got a meowf and then I got a purified weeping bell, but I need to evolve that.

You need to get that looked at, don't you?

Are you being respectful?

No, it sounded like

a willy thing.

It did sound like a willy thing.

Weeping bell?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sounds really fat.

That's what he looks like.

That's exactly what it looks like.

That's not very kind.

And then I got a haunter and I got a Skiddo, which is new.

Look how cute.

Okay.

I'm very single.

I should say.

I am a very good Pokemon Go player, but I don't have a lot of love in my heart.

I don't know.

I think this podcast could change everything.

I'd say a lot of people listen to this looking for love.

Really?

I think so.

And a lot of people are going to...

be like, I could fix that shower door.

We've had a couple of babies, haven't we?

We've had a couple of, what did you do yesterday, babies, David?

Of people who met guests.

No, people who've given birth listening to the pod.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

So that's romantic.

Oh, that's very beautiful.

I wonder if someone's giving birth listening to this right now.

That's quite possible, isn't it?

Hang in there.

It'll be okay.

Yeah.

Okay, so we do the record.

We're happy with the EP.

It's good ep.

Me and Holly do the best we can, having not had a chance to talk about it.

Me, like leading up to this, there's like three nights in a row where I haven't really slept because I'm like on tour and I'm like traveling and it's just all chaos I think we do a bloody good job you know great despite the fact we're both breathing just into our chest you know what I mean it's very shallow as you know me and Max are big men's mental health advocates so how does the panic during the podcast manifest itself?

Do you just, what do you do to mitigate it?

I just talk and say I'm panicking and then Holly tries to distract me like a baby.

Look over there.

Look over there.

Yeah, like, oh, Helen, what about that nice thing you did?

Oh, yeah, that was very nice.

I liked watching that film.

Yeah, that's literally it.

And for our listeners who are completists, they will want to stop this pod right now and go and listen to that episode.

Yeah.

And then they'll come back to this episode.

What is the name of the podcast, please?

It's called Helen's Log.

And I think that will be episode three, maybe.

Okay.

You don't want to leave this podcast to go listen to me having a panic attack on a different podcast.

I don't know.

I think it it could give you a lovely bit of background to what we're talking about here.

That's actually true.

And you could probably see the banana and the coffee on the desk.

Wow.

To go go go.

I didn't even eat the banana.

It was just on the table in front of me.

Wow, I understand why it's the studio, etc.

Then you know, not like this.

We can't show these backgrounds here with various, you know, scrap metal and torture dungeon stuff.

Yeah, you have a lot of scrap, huh?

David, what's happening?

Do we have a post-mortem then after the podcast?

This is the thing.

This is the thing.

I had to do an audition.

Oh my God, my housemate just woke up.

I heard him.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

Morning, Nathan.

Hi, Nathan.

Hi, Nathan.

I think he was going into the bathroom.

Okay.

Oh, no.

As long as he doesn't sink into that stagnant pool, we should check on him in a few minutes.

He knows what to do.

He might sue you because you're the landlord.

Yeah.

He can't do that.

I'm a nice girl.

Plenty landlords.

I know.

I know.

Isn't that weird that I'm a landlord?

Yeah, it's very funny.

And I'm very toxic with it as well.

Do you threaten to raise the rent?

I like come home and if in a bad mood, I just like open up his ketchup and just like pour it down the sink in front of him.

Like, we've got a month.

I like the idea of a, you know, a mistaken slum landlord who also lives in that, you know, absolutely drives the property into total disrepair, but has forgotten that they also live in the property.

There's black mold here.

I died.

Guys, I'm so close to Dog Kennel Hill, though.

Yes.

Okay, so we do the record.

Yes.

You've got your audition.

This is exciting.

Are we going straight to the audition?

This is the thing.

I don't understand the audition call sheet because it says briefing like 12.30 to 110,

which obviously I can't make because the recording, we end our recording at midday.

And where's the audition?

BBC Television, West London.

Oh,

the classic BBC with the building with the big blobs in front of it.

I always think of it as Alan Partridge building.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think of it as Saturday morning television.

A lot of that stuff was filmed there.

And Blue Peter, you know?

Yeah.

The first, I did a few things when I worked at the BBC there.

And honestly, it's like the sort of ripple of excitement of being at TV Center.

It was like the center of the world.

Oh my God.

You know, even if I was just like meeting somebody who knew somebody who would just say, I'm not giving you any work, but you know, it's nice to meet you.

You know, when you're trying to get get in the industry.

And I'd be like, oh my God, I'm at TV Center.

Like people just walking into work.

I'm like, how are you just walking into work?

This is TV Center.

Do you understand?

You could be making blue pizza in five minutes.

This is insane.

Yeah, I did Nevermind the Buzzcocks there in about 2009.

And it was that era where like the match of the day presenters would be walking towards you in the corridor.

And then like six dancers from Strictly with like performing dogs would jog past you and it'd be like welcome to showbiz son this is it yeah i haven't been there there loads and loads, but whenever I do, I'm like, okay, okay.

But here's the thing.

The Elizabeth line is running, even though there's a tube strike.

I

fucking hate you.

And I mean that like in a really unkind way.

In a visceral way, I understand.

Because I didn't know that.

Oh, no.

No.

After I do the recording, me and Holly sit for a minute because I'm like, I'm not making the briefing.

There's no way.

Even if the trains were running, and I'd already told them that I probably won't make the briefing.

I'll like definitely be there like an hour and a half ahead of like my in-time studio screen test thing.

I'm like, okay, this is fine.

I'll chill.

Me and Holly go sit down.

I have some eggs.

Great.

It's time to get some protein in me.

Okay, let's talk about the eggs.

What are we having?

The prep pot.

The prep pot.

Eggs and like a little bit of spinach.

Two mouthfuls?

Or do you take your time?

The eggs are two mouthfuls.

It's four mouthfuls.

And then the spinach goes in and probably three.

Got it.

Okay.

A seven mouthful prep seven mouthful prep egg pot whilst i'm also drinking my second coffee it spuns to an elephant is what it sounds like just straight in bang

i'm not even breathing i'm just

then i also buy the you know the rye salmon roll that they do there

i get one of those to put in my bag for later Okay, good.

You probably can't tell us what the audition is for because they wouldn't like it.

I can make it up.

Is it an acting gig or is it like a presenting gig?

It's an acting gig.

Have they given you lines or is it just going to be improvised?

It's half improv, half linesy.

It's a bit weird.

Tricky, yeah.

Right.

And I only found out about this like the Thursday before, so I have to change my like flights back from like it's all I move the podcast.

So everything, like, I'm not doing great mentally

all day.

But going back, you get the 55 to oxford circus right no right max i like you as a person and i want you to do that okay and i think very good friends but right now i need you yesterday i don't need you today to the point where today you're

does that make sense

perfectly i will make no more public transport guesses or just know that i did yesterday and i survived it but i made every mistake possible i did everything slightly wrong okay because also yesterday it turns out i could have just walked to a station and taken a train to Farrington and that would have got me there in 30 minutes.

But you just, shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.

You mansplaining bastard asshole.

Would you ever get a bike?

Did you ever get a line bike?

One of those?

Well, I used to have a bike in London.

Yeah.

But then I had like three times where I could have nearly died and there was nothing that anyone could have, like, no one did anything wrong.

It was just crazy junctions.

Yeah.

And then it got stolen and I was like, right, that's it.

I'm taking that as my sign.

I'm taking that as my sign.

Would you ever think of getting just a ride chair, whatever, a line bike or one of those?

I would, but only if I had a helmet.

I'm a very safe girl.

Yeah, that's a long way to White City as well.

So this is asked without any judgment, how do you get there?

I get an Uber.

Ooh.

That's fine.

How much?

It's not.

£63.

Oh, no.

It's supposed to be £32.

Uh-huh.

So I'm like, that's okay.

Yeah.

That's okay.

I'm getting there because I just need to get to this audition.

I also need to like calm myself down.

It's supposed to take 40 minutes.

It takes just under two hours.

Oh no, no.

And I'm getting text and text and text.

I should also say after my second coffee, I don't go toilet again.

I need a weave.

Oh, this is terrible.

To the point where I'm like, I'm going to arrive having pissed myself, and there's nothing we can do about it.

That would be a big entrance for potentially a big TV show like this.

If you arrive an an hour and a half late

with no trousers on.

It's a BBC show and it's live and they're just the continuity announcer's going, and Helen's not here yet.

So it's just a blank screen coming up in 90 minutes.

She's in a new birds, Helen Bowers new TV show.

And then it starts and you run on and you just piss on the floor and then it's the news.

And I knew it was a lot of piss in me.

I was like,

it's not even a case of like, oh, it's fine.

Like, like, do you know what I mean?

Like, it wasn't a manageable amount that was in me.

Do you, Helen at any point consider could you just pull in here to this pub or cafe Mr.

or Mrs.

Uber and I'll run in no yeah I don't know why yeah yeah I fantasize about living in every single flat we pass

and going

and some of those some of those on the westway aren't great do you know what I mean but it's like there's have you like you don't know this but there's roadworks like all around King's Cross all up

Baker Street Street, Marlebone.

There's only one lane open and it goes in and out and in and out for the traffic.

I feel this pain.

This is totally.

The head of my agency calls me because my agent's away.

I'm like, I'm going to be early for my stay.

But then it was just, it just kept on getting later.

And then I was like, what's happening with like one of the runners on the show?

And I was like, oh, I'm on my way, but like.

I don't know.

And I did makeup in the car because I was like, I guess there's something to do.

But this whole time, I'm like, if I breathe too deeply, then I piss myself.

Yeah.

Like, any panic that holly managed to get rid of has now come like yeah right back up that is bad yeah i remember we fly in from australia and we normally land at 5 a.m and you can get across london we got a different flight i landed at seven by the time we're out of the airport was eight and there's me jamie at this time just one kid

and then we get in the taxi and it says two and a half hours like a two and a half hour journey with a two-year-old at the time you plan snacks everything this is a big moment this was the end we've made it everyone was crying it was so bad

i feel for you you have to go in 24 minutes so and we're at midday so we do need to keep this yeah okay how did the audition for this big tv show go helen interruption do you say you're here or do you go straight to the toilet I run in and I'm like, you have to show me where the toilet is.

Do you know the studio part of BBC Television Center?

I use Lorraine and Loose Women's Toilets.

Yes.

It's the only ones I know and it's the best option.

I remember doing a show for five live and I actually need a number two and remember they say, oh, where are the toilets?

Because we were doing an OB in a factory and the assistant producer was like, I'll just wait for you out here.

And I was a bit like, it's okay.

You can go.

Were you like, this is going to be a long one?

Just don't wait.

You don't want someone waiting by the door for you.

Okay.

At this point, I've got no dignity.

I'm like, wait here.

I'll be right back.

You hover around and then you can take me through to wherever I need to do it.

And then blah, blah, audition goes fine.

Wow.

And on days like that, you take fine.

There's a dignity to fine.

And I didn't have we in my knickers.

Great.

And I had makeup on.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I was wearing a Disney t-shirt.

In fact, this one exactly here.

And yeah, would that have been my choice?

Probably we should have thought about it in the morning.

But that's okay.

I've only auditioned for two things in my life.

Congratulations.

Mission Impossible and Mission Impossible 2.

Blue Peter and Top Gear Australia.

Anyway, but I'm not used to the process.

I don't know if you are, but like, you know, at the end when you're sort of going, you just want someone to go, that was great, you've got it or not.

And they just go writing as they go, thank you.

And you're like, what the fuck are you writing there?

You tell me what that is.

I've never done that.

Like, I have auditioned for things, of course, but it's always a self-tape.

Like, I just video myself at home.

This is very rare.

I mean, we do run-throughs.

I'm sure David doesn't do them ever, where you have to go and like audition to be on a panel show but you're like running through a mock panel show but it's different right yeah yeah this was like a very unique experience of like auditioning in person for something

but then I do it and it's fine and I have my salmon sandwich and that's very lovely and it's a bit warm but it doesn't matter and also in the green room they have out snackies and I get like a little thing of Haribo for my housemate because a little like Nathan loves Haribo we do everyone loves Haribo

Nathan I'm putting the rent up to six thousand a month but here's your little haribo

and then i had a mow wow and david knows this but my i like had gallstones earlier this year and then i got very sick so i wasn't able to eat anything for ages so like now i can eat whatever i want it's very exciting because i can be like oh my god there's a maw here and i can just have it so it's very beautiful and very emotional and then i was like okay last journey of the day i just need to get home i need to get to southeast london I'm at White City.

How do I get there, Max?

I don't want to join in anymore.

Max, come back.

Oh boy.

So, my plan is walk to Shepherd's Bush.

And you know, when you're like, I need to walk, I need to decompress and I need to be outside.

Like, I cannot handle this anymore.

It was a lovely day, wasn't it?

It was a charming fucking day.

And I start walking, and you have to walk through the big shopping center there, Westfields.

But there's a Disney store, and I'm like, this is enchanting.

I go to the overground, the Shepherd's Bush overground because I'm like, I'll go to Clapham Junction and then I'll do Clapham Junction to Southeast London.

This will be super, super easy.

The overground is running, but the underground is not running.

Yeah, but I wouldn't go on the underground anyway.

I fucking hate the underground.

I just don't understand why we go underground.

But in which case, this is just a normal day.

Like you would have done this anyway because you wouldn't have got.

No, because I would have thought the train was running and then I would have done that to Farrington.

I shouldn't have stuck my sticky nose into this podcast.

I apologize.

I hate you.

And I would have known the Elizabeth line was running and I would have taken that all the way out to White City and then I wouldn't have had a fucking problem with being in a car for two hours.

David, can Max stop talking to me about what I should have done?

David, can you tell him?

Sometimes this podcast is what should you have done yesterday?

It's a slightly different podcast.

He says it with that nasty laugh and smile.

Look at what he's doing.

He's the nice, he was nearly on Blue Peter, but he said cunt in the audition six times

yeah

i was bouncing on a tradopoline with connie huck and i just said oh

no it was post huck this oh my god and you said cunt no david just made it that okay i believe that i was like fun

but the overground oh david oh max it's bad they've closed the platform so people can't even get on it because it's overcrowded this town what's up with this town i don't know but i'm not I'm moving out.

I decided last night.

Okay.

And, like, there's people pushing.

And I mean, like,

pushing.

That's why they closed the platform.

They were like, we can't have anyone else on it for safety.

And because you guys are just, you're wild.

It's like leaving a football match.

It's like, no, Wembley after a football match.

It's a total nightmare.

Yeah.

It was whatever Wembley after a football match is like, it's that.

My reference point would probably be the O2 After Girls Allowed.

Same.

Exactly the same.

It's Leicester Square after the premiere of moana too oh

that was a big night

that was a big night do we get on the train however in the on the first train or do we have to i have to wait for three i can't handle it yeah that's a lot i get on a carriage with a pusher

drug pusher like a pusher to the point where like he's like saying to someone look the train is full i'm quite far on i'm like at the front of the getting on the trains right

he's like well if you're not going to get get on it properly, then I'll get on it, just get off and I'll go on it.

And I can hear this happening, and I'm like looking at this girl, and we're just doing like big eyes at each other, like, What the hell?

Like, what is wrong with this guy?

Everyone just like we just all have to be patient and all have to be calm, yeah, yeah.

And instead, the guy steps off to let him try and get on, even though there's no space for it.

And he just goes

and shoves the whole carriage, like rugby.

Everyone goes, Whoa, and he goes, What?

Anyone got something to say?

You say it to my face.

A man tries to start a fight with upwards of 500 people on a train.

And did anyone say it to his face?

Yeah.

Was it Helen Bauer?

No.

But I did, the woman who did say it, I gave her the look of like,

you're alleged.

Because the trouble is that, you know, after a confrontation, you can get away.

But after a confrontation on that train, you're then stuck next to their face.

And she was like five away from him.

And she just went for the classic like in her i'm gonna say 70s great like very well dressed she went oh just shut the fuck

oh oh like oh she's brilliant that should have got a round of applause that's amazing it should have instead it just got a lot of people being like yeah yeah but we're not we're not clapping we can't you can't get your arms up everyone's arms like penguins yeah it's too close but i've done everything i had to do that day and granted i was late for everything and everything went slightly wrong but it's nearly over and now i can start planning my dinner in my head

and also at every stop hopefully people are getting off right so you get off they're getting on it's getting worse and worse and worse and worse and worse

it's getting worse

My favorite is one of the stops.

There's two really lovely people.

I'm assuming they're lovely, both holding a Labrador each.

Nice.

You've got to come back to the station in a couple of hours.

It's your channel.

None of the training parts are any like London.

Roads are all closed.

You're not getting on the Labrador.

Of the train going through, of all the things.

Someone's got a polar bear.

Someone's got a harp.

There's someone with a piano.

Two Labradors?

What do they?

They're trying to get to Dark Kennel Hill.

That's where they're going.

How long does this journey take, Helen?

It takes probably about an hour.

Okay, okay.

And I came to Junction, get another train.

And after that train, I get a nice like 15-minute walk home.

You almost can't Pokemon go out the windows of this one.

It's too fast.

No, I've already got my points.

And I obviously fed my Pikachu to get the last two-kilometre walking points when I left BBC Television Centre before I walked Shepherd's Bush.

Don't worry.

How was my next big rescue for you?

Don't worry.

Pikachu was fed, and I got all the six kilometers.

And then I also get another four kilometers from a different one because of the car journey.

So we're planning a dinner now.

Do you make your unfortunate lodger buy all the ingredients?

He's currently beating meat with a hammer to tenderize it for three hours.

I make him schnitzel for me every Monday night.

Nathan then texts me and he is at the cinema with other comedians.

Should I name?

Yeah, of course.

Is Nathan a comedian?

He is.

Nathan Darcy Roberts, Sunil Patel, Nick Alleray.

Great, okay.

They're at a picture house watching a movie.

It's a boys' night.

I think it's a boys' night.

I'm assuming.

I'm having no part of this.

I need to go home and eat and be unwitnessed.

And we are here to witness that.

And I decide, this is my fantasy in my head, because I haven't been able to eat what I wanted for so, so long, I was like, I'm going to get macaroni and cheese.

You did have gallstones, as I call them, pearls of power.

So you weren't allowed to eat the rich foods, I would imagine, during that era.

No, because my stones move, then they block your liver, and it's like a whole thing.

You go bright yellow, like Bart Simpson.

I remember it, yes.

I turned a nice yellow, a very pretty yellow.

People were complimenting me.

They were like, you look really good.

And I was like, yeah, it's like a little dam.

It's not bad.

I highly recommend a bit of liver failure.

That's my main thing I'm offering to people.

So one option would be, I'm seeing here, tape up the bottom of the door into into the bathroom and then throw the shower doors fully open, fill the whole room with water to chest height, and then six bath bombs.

Is that the sort of evening of relaxation you're having?

I thought you were talking about how to cook a macaroni cheese.

Put them in the shower.

Put the macaroni in.

Absolutely mental.

No, my relaxation is, oh my God, David, I'm not proud of this.

I started smoking again.

I just, I changed it.

I know.

but I keep throwing away packets, which means how many fags had you had in the day, or did you save them all up for now?

No, I did actually smoke yesterday daytime as well.

Okay, I think I had my first cigarette when I got off the first bus in the morning.

I didn't have one before the audition because it was like I had to run in, obviously, to we

but then I did have some between arriving and actually going onto the soundstage.

Stop.

How many is some?

Stop.

Two.

Two.

Okay.

I guess that's okay, but it just have you not heard the story.

I was not okay.

I loved being a non-smoker.

Smoking's bad.

I don't know where you've been for the last 40 to 50 years.

It's definitely bad.

But this podcast is brought to you by Betsy and Hedges.

A smoother, more satisfying taste.

I should have had a bath bomb last night, David.

That's a nicer idea.

But instead, I bought like a macaroni and cheese Tesco Finest ready meal.

Oh, good.

Okay.

And I bought some liquid.

Is that a microwave one or an oven one?

I put it in an air fryer.

Whoa.

Now, the Airbnb we're in at the moment has an air fryer and it is pretty transformational.

Like, we were not air fryer people.

We were like, we're old school, you know, we cook on the naked flame normally, you know, in our fire pit outside.

But these things are insane.

Now you can make differences in six minutes.

100%.

It's crazy.

So we have macaroni and cheese.

Do we sit back and relax?

Do we want to watch something on the box?

How does Helen Bauer unwind?

How does this great, I'd say, mousetrap of a brain, and by mousetrap, I mean the board game mousetrap, not an actual not just like a bit of poison and a really hard metal.

It's not a great metaphor.

How does this great machine, this bertha of the head, relax in the evening?

I think usually it would be TV, but you know what I had to do?

I had to listen to your podcast.

That's how I relaxed.

i went through all your episodes and i picked one yeah who'd you pick to listen to and then it was really weird because it was so full circle because i i went for john robbins oh my god i mean it's a beautiful episode he's describing going to podcast he podcasts the same place i podcast okay i was like you're literally going the same episode

it's very different you'd have to say i mean if people haven't listened to the john robbins episode and then they compare it to the helen helen bauer episode i would say at no point in this unless it changes in the last five minutes do you go to a forest to hear pure stillness and see the breath of a deer in the evening dew how did you know that's how i end my day

But also, if you'd picked any other episode, you'd realize that most people are just talking about needing the toilet and trying to get somewhere.

Sure, it's all about toilet.

That's the whole day.

Did I tell you I did two poos before I left the flat yesterday?

In the morning.

Before 8 a.m.

between 7.30 and 8.

Well, why do you tell us this now?

Because it was also the last day of my period.

So there's like, there's just a lot going on down there.

Like, do you decide to put in a pad and then last minute I throw a moon cup in as well, which I don't change or take out until 9 p.m.

the night.

Like, I have it in for 12 hours, which is bad.

And I know that.

No one has to tell me.

I know that you should change it.

Is it true that if you don't have a moon cup, you can just use an espresso, an old espresso no i tried it it hurts okay no you should use something with silicon that moves otherwise it's very painful i once had a friend staying here look it was the pandemic i had to do a piece on the news and it was in this room and the moon cup was sitting on the shelf behind me do you what was the subject of your news i mean they weren't talking about international relations taiwan and and china were they now we crossed to david o'doherty i don't know what irish and tv News does.

Maybe they just book you all the time.

They do, yeah.

And you put on a different pair of glasses and go, wow.

Helen Bauer, you listen to, as you're eating the food.

I'm not sure people generally listen to this podcast while they're eating.

Normally while they're doing things.

No, I was like, I made dinner.

I had some cigarettes.

I like, I had to write.

You know, when you're so stressed, you're like, I just need to write out everything I need to do this week.

Cause like things kept on like little things.

And I was like, I'm just going to write it all down, including I wrote down things I did that day, just so I could cross them off.

I love doing that.

I said, You're

this whole time.

I was like poodling about, you know?

Yeah, that's a long episode as well.

That was a long one.

It is, but I listened to it at 1.25 speed.

Oh, right.

Should I tell you that?

Or is that rude?

I'm sorry.

I think that's okay.

Does it because I think both of us speak slowly enough that we won't sound mad if you're

fucking slow.

There's a mad bit in that episode where he starts talking about Josie Long, and then Josie Long appears behind me because I was staying with Josie Long in.

Maybe I didn't finish the episode.

You only got his breakfast.

You're like, that's weird.

Let me check where I got up to.

I'm so sorry.

This is an awful ending.

Okay, I've got 39 minutes left.

You're over an hour in.

I think that counts as a listener.

I think that we get the ad revenue.

I hope so.

I will finish.

I really enjoyed it.

Thanks, Alan.

And then Nathan came home and then we catch up on our days.

We do our version of what did you do yesterday but it's called what were you up to today yes okay that's a good idea not allowed to record that oh we'll sue you really that unkind and then we watch an episode of the new mitchel and web show because our friend oh yeah is it good i love it i love stitch so much it's just nice to have it on i watched an episode of the paper the new office spin-off last night i want to see that yeah tim key's in it and donald leeson yeah i was like this is pretty good yeah And Eric Grahill, I love him.

He's very funny, very sweet.

Friend of the podcast, Stevie Martin's in the New Michelin Webb show.

Stevie Martin, Kyle Smith Bino, Crystal Evans, Lara Ricotte.

Like, it's

bangers after bangers.

And then I read my book in bed because I was like, I need to calm down.

Because after writing my to-do list, I realized that my life is in that stress floor busy.

But I made it.

You've got a blank piece of A4 where just, you know, buy another egg pot from Prit.

Literally, do do you ever do that where you're like, I am overworked and someone needs to give me a break because I am only 34 and life is really hard.

And then you actually sit down and look at what you need to do and you're like, oh, actually, that's more than reasonable.

A friend of mine, Ollie, said, because the midweek episode is just me or David's yesterday.

And he said, you know, you're there, Max, on that pod, complaining a lot.

You know, and sometimes you say, and Ian went to childcare or the babysitter turned up and then you're there on your own just watching football, drinking coffee.

You maybe should stop complaining about this

on a fortnightly basis.

But we're princes.

It's not a fortnight.

Helen, what book?

It'd be funny if you read the most stressful.

Dean Coons,

The Blades of the Blackbird Helicopter Spin 300 Times a Second.

I'm just going to type in the name of the author because I cannot remember the name of the book because I literally only just started it the weekend.

It's an Ishiguro book, and it's like the artist or something.

An artist of the floating world it's very good so far what's it about it's about like post-war world war ii japan and like a small city where they've got to rebuild and an artist who's living there and like what his life has been in those years

yeah it sounds really down but is he i love this author he wrote like clara and the sun yeah yeah he's very good he's very talented he should be very proud of himself Do you read by way of switching off?

I do that sometimes too.

Sometimes.

And then I listen to a history podcast as I'm falling asleep.

Oh, which one?

Okay, so it's Monday nights and Mondays are short history of.

Do you know like Doctor Who used to do them?

No.

No.

Hello.

Hello.

Doctor Who's not a history.

That's not a story.

No, he is.

Doctor Who is a historian, is he?

Yeah, he is.

He does colonialism and nationalism, doesn't he?

In the 18th century.

On different planets.

Now it's John Hopkins.

Yeah.

And he does it every single week.

But back in the day, it used to be an old Doctor Who, which I think is very, very nice and very, very cool.

Oh, an old Doctor Who.

Sorry.

Oh, is it Sylvester McCoy?

No.

Or Peter Davison.

I've literally got a framed sign picture of this man and I cannot remember his name.

How awful is that?

Tom Baker.

Tom Baker.

No.

It's got to be Tom Baker.

Neil, David Tennant.

Neil Tennant from Dutch Place.

The guy from Withnail and I, not Richard E.

Grant, the other guy.

That one.

The Withnail and I one.

Paul McGahn.

Paul McGahn.

Paul McGahn.

Yes.

What's the topic of the history that you doze off to?

Yesterday it was a history of Jojo.

I mean, that does fit with the chaos of the day, the man pushing you onto the train, etc., you know?

And I was on camera a lot, which is very 18.

Especially the five-minute improv.

Yep.

And Orwell also wrote a book about the RMT's dispute with TFL.

Causing everyone to be late going through central London.

What's the RMT?

They're the union that are on strike.

oh right the strike union okay i'm with equity yeah

to be honest if equity went on strike i don't think the city would grind to a vault to the same extent yeah i was at the bbc i was at bbc london when we went on strike and no one gave a like no one gave a it was just funny for us because our bosses had to read the news and they were shit at it we watched it going this is funny because you can't do this you're telling me how to do it and you're yeah and reading's hard yeah reading is harder than people think it is and then you go to sleep and then i go to sleep listening to a george orwell podcast i don't know when i fall asleep i'll have to try it again tonight oh i wonder why uh helen's so stressed at the moment maybe she's going to sleep listening to george orwell podcast the most stressful and dystopian possible way to go to sleep it's worse to go to sleep in silence with your own thoughts on that bombshell

Did you have a nice day, Helen?

It was quite a stressful day, but you got some stuff done.

I did so many really fun things and I got to see loads of very lovely, fun people, but I would not do it again.

That's how we like everyone to end every episode.

I really enjoyed the macaroni and cheese.

I feel you're coming down off the tour.

You'd been in Germany, getting smelly the night before.

I'd see it as, you know, what we call in football, an away draw.

You know, it was a tricky day, but you got some points out of it.

I did get some points out of it.

I did everything I had to.

I just did everything I had to late and not well.

You got the dripping Belland Pokemon?

Yeah.

His name is Weeping Belle, and he's my best friend.

You made me feel like I'm that Harry Enfield's character.

You don't want to do that.

I'm sorry.

That's for some self-reflection for me right now.

But we'd never have to do yesterday again.

Yesterday is gone, and today is tomorrow's yesterday.

And I'm going to keep facing the sun and the shadows will always fall behind me.

David, we have one from you, maybe?

Oh, live, laugh, love.

Yeah.

Isn't the actual quote from WB Yeats?

Live, laugh, love, leave.

That's the fourth, as in death is at the end of it.

But we as a society have just got rid of the imminent death that happens at the end of this.

But Yeats also said, I didn't mind the all fours farts.

So that is,

Max, do you want me to send you the video?

Yeah, yeah, I'll get you on Instagram and I'll send it over straight after Sarah.

Okay, thank you, Helen Bauer, for coming on.

What did you do?

Thank you so much, Helen.

Thank you so much for having me.

And I'm sorry we had to get up early because of my therapy.

And thank you for supporting women's mental health.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

So there's Helen Bauer's day, David.

Am I really like that?

But public transport.

I bigged you up too much.

Man Splainer.

Because then, right after we stopped recording, she went, Actually, Max, I've got to get from East Delich to King's Cross.

And I was like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm so sorry if I paint

the recorder there, Max.

It was a stressful day in many ways.

Yeah, it was sort of uncut gems vibe, wasn't it?

Yeah, but then the evening, it had basically done its thing.

I mean, the stress highlight is like

Martin Johnson when he played for England, just driving a bunch of people onto an overground train in a skull cap.

Yeah.

Bind, says, bind and ruck.

He just grabs two people under the shirt, do their legs, and just goes, who's anybody now?

Yeah.

But then she had a nice, relaxing evening.

Helen just makes me laugh.

Yeah, very funny.

I enjoyed it greatly.

And And I'm very much looking forward to her sending me an Instagram video of you rolling around a hill in Edinburgh, farting.

Thank you.

That's okay.

If you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here is how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

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And if you didn't, please don't.

you can get in touch with the podcast if you have any other incriminating videos of me doing potentially career ruinous things why not just send them to max and he can upload them to at yesterday pod i don't want the videos to be so incriminating that it makes you know if david has a past I don't want to know about it because I enjoy doing the podcast.

And I'd hate to be put in that moral position of going, oh, no, not David.

Because I'm enjoying this.

If I find that out in 20 years, that's okay.

Then I go, well, I didn't know.

And same for me.

I think that's the deal.

Okay, fine.

Skeletons stay in the closet until 2045.

Mildly incriminating stuff.

Yep, that's fine.

Thank you very much for doing it, Max.

Yeah, thank you, David.

Thanks, listeners.

Bye.

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