WDWDY #42: Play the game...

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many.

I have one already.

I don't have any because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it.

There's a podcast about it.

And they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton.

And I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello, and welcome to Midweek Mayhem, the offshoot or offsheet of What Did You Do Yesterday with me, Max Rushton, and David O'Doherty.

Hello, David.

Now, you listen to me.

Okay, well, it's not often I feel that

this podcast has an actual influence on your real life.

On my real life or one's real life?

Well, it's not real life.

Sorry.

I mixed up podcasting with real lives.

I was listening to your other podcast this week.

Okay.

Where on my static bike where I race against the divorced Belgian dentists.

And you can put the sound on of the cycle race, but it's just...

Scandinavian people going like

as they

cycle really fast.

So I had your Football Weekly on very loud.

Yeah.

On it,

you said

you had located your lost iPhone AirPods, whatever those things are.

I had said, because you were just like, oh, Jamie and Ian swallowed them or left them somewhere on the trip back.

And in that, you said.

You had located them using the find my airplanes thing in Perth Airport, did you you say yeah yeah yeah yeah I can see them right now they're still in terminal four of Perth airport yeah I can see them bobbing about and here's the thing when you dm Qantas they say we don't know these people we don't we know we're Qantas but we don't know these people and then when you ring them it's just a voicemail saying come in and pick them up whenever you like you're sort of going well I'm not here so I said on football weekly oh I'm in

because we were talking about AC Milan are playing a game in Perth, right?

Yes.

Which is very controversial about taking a league game overseas.

There's a La Liga game happening in Miami as well.

And I said, look, if Massimo Alegbri, the manager of AC Miami, or any of the players are in Perth, they could pick up my AirPods.

And it's because you had told me this is how you find your AirPods.

But since I said it on that pod, which is a similar family to this pod, I've had five offers from people in Perth to go and get my AirPods.

And now I'm trying to work out which of the people by just looking at their profile picture is

looking at a tiny little spec to decide who do I trust with my AirPods pros because I probably have to send them a picture of my passport so you're looking at someone who's normal who is not going to steal my identity I mean you know I have a generic face so I'd be quite easy yeah to sort of clone but yeah no you're absolutely right you told me how to do that so thank you I am so happy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great.

In return, David, I've got some feedback for you, I'm afraid.

Oh, no.

okay, yeah.

Lots of people have been in touch about this.

This better not be about the Hills Hoist Washington again.

It's not about the Hills Hoist.

It's about Emilyn Hughes.

Tom, Welsh footballer Emilyn Hughes played 62 times for England.

Cody, Welsh footballer, Emily Hughes, Welsh.

You might as well have said Welsh footballer David Beckham.

Possibly no longer in this for life.

Keep up the entertaining but factually erratic podcasting.

I look forward to you having English footballer Steve Staunton on the podcast one day.

Thanks, Cody.

Andy says, Hi, all listening while walking the dog, as always, says the Max dog.

Maybe the dog is called Max.

I know how you like to keep things tight, says Andy.

I usually roll my eyes at people who email with corrections, but here I go.

I can't believe that DOD has just described Emmanuel Hughes as a Welsh footballer.

He played for and capped in England, was born in England.

That's fine because David is not and has never claimed to be the sports correspondent of the show, least of all the football expert.

So, Max, hang your head in shame for not picking this up.

Everything is showbiz in it for life andy wow i did think were you thinking of nerys hughes well mark hughes is a famous welsh footballer and emlyn is a highly welsh name can we say that emlyn is a welsh name i didn't know i apologize miles bar says emlyn hughes dad played rugby for wales what see i'm not a minute once again it's these petty international rivalries and And I realize that's really something as an Irish person saying that.

Can you people all just chill out about nationality and indeed where Declan Rice and Jack Grealish are from and want to play internationally?

Now, look, we had a lot of love for the Jonathan Wilson.

episode but once again our journalistic abilities have come under the microscope david tom why is wilson farming worms i thought you were serious journalists alan said worm juice is seriously good fertilizer It can only be for that.

I wonder what he's growing.

Definitely should have asked more questions.

That's two in a row.

They've dropped the ball after the moustache, mascara, and debacle.

Pudzy, everyone's follow-up question was, why do you need worm tea?

A huge failure in journalism by the boy Rushton.

It's true.

Yeah.

Why?

You know him.

Does he fish?

Well, he's got a response.

He has responded.

Fishing would have been my guess.

No, he says, I have a terrace with camellia, olives, laurels, and myrtles.

And I have indoor plants.

He didn't do a smiley face or an exclamation mark.

It was just very to the point.

But we should have asked, why is he collecting the tea of worms?

So hang on.

I am confused.

I thought the tea of worms was the fertilizer that went on to keep the worms happy.

Oh, so he's not taking fistfuls of worms and putting them on his house plants.

No, no, no.

So the worms create this horrible goo.

Darn it.

And then that is great fertilizer.

I see.

Okay.

The fact is that there's a man living in a sort of an apartment in southwest London, and neither of us decided to ask, why are you farming worms?

Yeah, we should have done that.

Do you think it might be a slightly more sinister reason, as in these worms are so ravenous, he can dispose of dead bodies in there?

Just, you know, he drops the body in and the worms are

the way in pigs in Silence of the Lambs are.

Exactly.

They're his pigs.

Look, I think it's a riskier play because I think it takes longer for worms to break down an entire cadaver is what I think.

I'm not an expert, but you would be stressed whenever you had people over for dinner.

Because if you ever mentioned the worm farm, people would be like, oh, I've never seen a worm farm.

And then Wilson would be coming up with elaborate ways to say, oh, you can't see it now, or, you know, standing against the door.

I don't know.

Once again, David, you have exposed yourself as not an expert criminal because you're doing all your crimes in the interval.

And then if you kill anyone, you're trying to get worms to

decompose them.

Giving them the 50 minutes of the second half to decompose a body.

They're ain't going to do it.

The other issue with the Wilson pod, which Becky pointed out, said you folks didn't put the pressure on him about the pint of milk before bed.

DJ, a full pint of milk in capital letters.

It was a surprise.

I mean, I think we pushed him on that a bit, but maybe not enough.

You're right.

When he really went into how great the the milk is in north norway yeah it would be cold wouldn't it be fresh it would be cold milk yeah but imagine you've watched the aurora borealis with the marketing team of tottenham hotspur football club you then return romance

to your deadly king

Gary Babbitt, you return to your tiny hotel room and I'm imagining it in a pint glass as well.

You know what I mean?

Where he looks at it and he has a little milky moustache as well.

And he does it in three, in two or three.

So he's not savoring it, is it?

It's very much functional.

It's functional milk.

And then he gets the glass and he just smashes it against a wall and goes to sleep.

That's just the life of a soccer journalist.

And he says, regarding Jonathan Wilson and regarding your criminal escapades, thoroughly enjoyed the podcast, especially the latest Jonathan Wilson episode.

His detailed analysis on the Bodo Glimpt being the only team to use an oblique dash is what really elevates the podcast above all others.

I wanted to pick up David's point about the perfect crime being during the intervals of his tours, as this is literally the plot of the Muppets most wanted movie, as summarized below.

A villainous frog named Constantine, who looks just like Kermit, frames the real Kermit for his crimes and takes his place on the Muppets European tour, masterminded by their shady new manager, Dominic Bad Guy.

While Constantine and Dominic plot to steal the London crown jewels, of course, the jailed Kermit must escape a Siberian prison and prove his identity to stop them with the help of Sam Eagle and Interpol agent Jean-Pierre Napoleon.

Is David in the pocket of Big Constantine?

Is David's alter ego that of Dominic Bad Guy?

We, the people, demand answers.

Everything is showbiz best, and he follows.

I mean, if you were doing an interview and one of the candidates, and you've got to look at the the CV more than anything else, but one guy is called Dominic Bad Guy.

I feel

that could easily influence.

Also, the problem of the mustachioed Kermit clone is that not basically who I do this podcast with.

It'd be so easy to slide out Max Rush to replace him with one of thousands of others.

Similarly, get one of them to go to Perth Airport to collect the iPods.

Evan Haaland, not related to any footballers, has been in touch.

Dear Max David and Marspa, as a Norwegian listener, I was delighted to hear the Jonathan Wilson episode.

How lovely to get a yesterday set in Norway.

Very impressive bodo glimp knowledge from Wilson.

And what a well-deserved shout out to Norwegian milk.

Is this the first time a podcast has had a shout-out to Norwegian milk?

I'm hoping so.

I haven't heard that on off-menu yet, so well done.

We also produce some good cheese in Norway, but these are not just normal cheeses.

Just a minor criticism.

I like he's done a shit set.

He's really built us up.

In the outro, David speculates that Wilson might be eaten by a polar bear before the episode goes out.

I just want to point out that we don't have polar bears in mainland Norway, only on the Arctic archipelago, Svalbard.

So Wilson was never in that sort of danger.

Very disappointing.

Bear knowledge and a slight prejudice about life in Norway from David.

There, I love the podcast.

Keep up the good work.

Everything is show business.

Evan.

What Evan Holland doesn't know know is that in the match the next day, three Spurs players were eaten by polar bears during it.

It reminds me of me and Barry Glendedding, because I have to have an Irishman alongside me for all my professional pursuits, who I do football weekly with and the Sunday show on Talk Sport.

We once had the chairman of the Faroese FA on for the Faroe Islands, and Barry asked him if he was wearing a Viking hat.

I know, no, it's terrible.

I don't know how we got there, but we did really feel bad about it.

I was driving some kids and their mum somewhere recently.

I said, I'll do a quiz.

Okay.

He knew the kids and the mum.

Yeah.

And so my first question, which I thought was a very good question, which was, why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Oh, yeah.

I know the answer.

Yeah.

The answer being they're far apart.

They're very far apart.

And one one of the kids said, Oh, I know this.

Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can't open the wrappers.

Like it turns out

it must be a joke in school.

But yeah, that was good stuff.

Yeah.

General feedback: speaking of children from a child, uh, Jillo J says, a review of this episode before I've even played it from my eight-year-old.

When I asked her to go to her own room and get dressed, she flounced off saying, So you can play your stupid podcasts.

What did you do yesterday?

Ever heard of Let the Past Be the Past?

A damning indictment of the format?

Hey, let the past be the past.

I mean, Mary Beard would not like a podcast called Let the Past Be the Past.

Her whole thing is we must look to the past to try and figure out what's going on now.

Topolan shitting it, isn't it?

Could you, like the threat of being made to listen to this podcast if you're eight,

which is if you don't finish your dinner, we have to listen to the Guardian football correspondent talk about the day before a match and him getting on some planes and then immediately,

I'm eating all the dinner, please.

I'm sorry, but I suppose there is, you know, there's a worms exploding.

That's good for an eight-year-old, isn't it?

Yeah, but again, we didn't ask what the eight-year-old would be, but mommy and daddy, why has he got worms?

They didn't ask, son.

They didn't.

Fergus said, regards the last mayhem, what did you and you breaking your freezer?

How is the freezer?

How's the new freezer, by the way?

It's Finito.

So apparently...

No, but how's the new freezer?

You've got a new freezer.

New freezer hasn't arrived yet.

All right.

Yeah.

I left it for a day or two.

I didn't.

I rushed off to try and get a new one.

Yeah.

But we'd crammed all the gear into the

freezer box on the fridge because I wanted to have the new one in place when helencopter got back from work it wasn't in place we had a crazy dinner made up of leftovers we then did that again the next night but because she's much better at cooking thought of much nicer things to put together and since then the boot really came off the accelerator.

I have ordered one from a mysterious place that delivers appliances.

They said they've taken the order.

So I probably asked for this on Monday and they have not delivered it by Thursday.

So

maybe it'll come during this podcast.

That'll be the end of it.

Is I will get into it and pull the door shut.

Fergus says, what did you defrost yesterday?

The spin-off we didn't know we needed.

Every week, a guest turns off their freezer.

David and Max then have to guess the contents of the freezer with fun anecdotes about each item.

The podcast has a time pressure because the guests need to try and beat the Thor by completing the podcast before they can turn their freezer back on.

There's no such thing as a bad idea, Fergus.

If this gets so successful, we need spin-offs where we employ look-alikes, and we know there are many.

It'll be Fred West and Chris O'Dowd doing what did you defrost yesterday?

But we get half them.

But we'd say, listen, we'll give you 50%, guys.

Namaste, I love that DOD's solution to I have too many bikes isn't the logical, I should sell some of my bikes, but instead I should buy a house.

yeah.

We since the freezer incident, I'll be honest, we've also taken our foot off the gas for that one, too.

So, like, if you're worried that one week you'll listen to this podcast, there'll be a string quartet in the background playing,

and I'm really echoey because I've moved to like the great hall

that seems increasingly unlikely.

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One more.

Andy.

Dear David Max and Marspawn, I'd like to make a minor complaint about a previous episode.

Oh, God.

Stevie Martins yesterday.

I often listen to the pod while asked for a run, but do very occasionally suffer from that runner's affliction of quite suddenly and urgently needing to do a poo whilst running.

To be fair to us, we've sort of come out of the gutter recently.

So great to get back in.

Wow, yeah, that's very true.

Paula Ratcliffe will attest to this phenomenon.

I was out for a longish run, about seven miles, where I run to a point and then turn around and run home.

I was just approaching the turnaround point when I felt the awful shift in my stomach and lower colon that signified that the worst worst really could be about to happen.

My running route is through the countryside, so not past any cafes, shops, pubs or public conveniences, so no opportunity for me to sort this in a civilized way.

The route is, however, also heavily used by dog walkers, cyclists, walkers and other runners.

So no opportunity to sneak off behind some bushes to sort things out in a primitive way.

I was in trouble.

If I can just not think about this terrible thing that's happening to me, then I might just make it the five kilometers back home.

And thank God I have my favourite podcast to listen to to help help keep my mind off anything to do with bowels.

Unfortunately, the episode I was listening to was Stevie Martins yesterday.

A full 15-minute conversation about tortoise shit.

I shit you not.

I couldn't believe my bad luck.

What are the chances that just when I need to think about anything, anything other than poo, I end up listening to a conversation about shaking free a constipated tortoise's feces with a vibrator?

Yeah.

Well, thank heavens, David, Max, and Stevie are moving on to the next part of the day.

Oh no, spoke too soon.

This is the story of how Stevie blocked a toilet in a cafe.

This can't get any worse for me.

Oh, it's a classic what did you do yesterday flight of fancy, where the gang imagine former libdem leader Vince Cable living up to his scatological surname.

We're at the end of the pod, Nilly.

Surely no more poo talk, except for the reimagining of Mock the Weak as Expel the Weak, an opportunity for the panelists to evacuate their bowels live on BBC2.

I've worked in TV for 25 years and mostly agree with Max, but running through a forest, desperately trying not to shit myself while listening to a podcast that presents the mental image of Hugh Dennis defecating into a bucket in front of a studio audience while Dara cheers him on is categorically not show business.

A lot of things are, this was not, I made it home.

No thanks to you.

In it for life, Andy.

And let's talk about the time, Andy.

A PB.

It doesn't matter how you got there.

You got there.

In the long run, you will remember you broke.

Mo Farah's 10K records.

Congratulations.

Phil, the dirty listener, regarding their just normal countries.

Max David and Marsba.

Point of order on midweek Mayhem 40, their just normal countries section.

So it wasn't the Vatican City, fair enough.

But Marsbar didn't reveal how many listeners, listens in the Vatican City there were.

Shoddy, In It for Life, Everything is Show Business.

Marsbar, how many listens in the Vatican City?

I'm going to guess, Marsbar, just before you come in, because Pope Leo listens now.

Pope Francis used to listen.

So there's at least two.

There were zero listens in the Vatican.

My belief is that because it's so close to Italy, that people aren't starting it in the Vatican, they've started listening outside of the Vatican, so it registers an Italian listen, right?

So, Pope Leo does it on his jogs, so he's aura VPN, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, he's actually whenever the Pope does one of those sermons at St.

Peter's, he says, This sermon is brought to you by NordVPN, even though we're the only podcast that isn't bloody brought to you by Nord VPN.

Anyway, let's play

boom to all of you in the Vatican City.

Let's play, they're just normal countries.

Previous guesses?

Thank you so much, Jingle.

Madagascar, Namibia, Costa Rica, Uganda, North Korea, Guyana, the Northern Marianas Islands, Bhutan, Brunei, Nepal, Eswatini, US, Virgin Islands, Equatorial Equatorial Guinea, San Marino, correct.

Liechtenstein, Turkmenistan, Seychelles, Mauritius, Georgia, Vatican City, Oman.

It's amazing we've got through that many countries and only one correct answer.

Do you think, Max, when Chesney Hawks, who originally sang I Am the One and Only, obviously it's not close enough to be any sort of copyright hit, our theme music for this section.

But I wonder, because I bet Chesney listens to this podcast, whether his singing of it now is influenced by the theme he has been done.

People leaving the gig going,

of all the songs he didn't nail, his voice was pitch perfect for all of them, except for that.

That's really a naughty letter down there.

Amber in Australia writes: Hi, Max and David, huge fan of the pod.

Have been a day one listener, and my husband has only just stopped asking why I know the most intimate yet mundane details about random English comics and celebrities.

I have a guest for Weddle/slash incontinence because I believe I may have been the person.

In February this year, we took my two very small children to the beautiful island of Fiji.

Max, if you haven't done it yet, perfect holiday destination for kids, only takes three and a half hours from Sydney.

I have heard it's really good because

it's just a country of babysitters.

And so I can't wait to go.

Whilst lounging around the pool, I believe I partook in an episode.

My only concern is that I could have listened to more than one episode.

or that I'm missed remembering and it was in fact parenting hell.

Nonetheless, my guess is Fiji, as wonderful as you are, when we visited the local village i didn't see anyone with airpods in giggling about the bowel movements of nishkuma kind regards amber in australia so masba fiji is it correct

ding ding ding ding ding ding ding yeah

wow

not only is it the one and only It's that listener.

Oh my goodness.

Do you know what?

The excitement is, it's funny because I'm sitting alone in my shed at 20 past eight in the evening.

I've had one can of Javer, but the genuine thrill I got from that ding, ding, ding was perhaps too much for a middle-aged man.

Amber, you're in control of the board now.

Yeah, just four more countries and you win.

It is possible that Amber will now, in an attempt to win, and what is the prize for this?

Oh, it's a Ford Fiesta full of our old undies, I think.

Oh, you think she's going to fly fly to random countries and

listen to one episode there?

So, she's got two young kids.

She just said to her husband, I look, I'm just popping off to New Caledonia.

I won't be long.

Just quickly, we are, because of our schedule, we're recording the next bonus episode before this episode goes out.

So, I need to check with Max on the ethics of me emailing to say, you've won.

Would you like to guess again?

Okay, for reasons of the edit, I reluctantly accept that you may email Amber from Australia for a second guess.

Such is that you found me in a euphoric state where I am bending the strict rules of games to which I understand everyone plays.

Email away.

Congratulations, Amber.

You've got any questions for me, David?

No, no, we're all done.

Oh, I actually have one.

Okay, yeah.

Max,

what did you do yesterday?

What time does it begin?

What time do you open those peepers?

What time do you wake up?

That one question has changed the duration of this podcast from 28 minutes to, I don't know.

6 a.m.

Great.

A real lion.

Yeah, it is lovely.

I'm in the daybed.

I'm alone.

Jamie arrives with Willie Rushton and she offers a non-negotiable swap deal.

I get Willie.

She gets the daybed.

I accept because they are the rules.

It's not been a brilliant night the night before

so i've got willie i pick up a couple of cars yeah i get into our bed with him uh he can now sit up so that's good so give him the cars he can play around with them i can lie horizontal and just occasionally just move my hand in that direction you don't you're not tempted to suggest a dance party just to get the whole thing no this is willie not ian right so ian's still asleep yeah yes willie's into cars what he's into whatever you put in front of him at this stage.

Yeah.

Anyway, don't worry.

Ian awakes.

Great.

Ian comes into our room.

Jamie's still in the day.

Love this guy.

Ian has bought a tractor.

Ian and I reminisce about Tractor Ted.

He says, we haven't watched that in a while.

I say, you're absolutely right.

Do you think were he to go back and he would have dated really badly?

You know what I mean?

Like Ian.

It was a different time.

Ian's looking at you going like,

you would not say that anymore.

Tractor Ted's like, lovely tits on that tractor over there.

What?

Dad, I can't believe we used to watch this.

Yeah, Tractor Ted perving over FHM's top 100 Fergusons.

Anyway, Ian suggests watching Tractor Ted.

We go to the living room.

We put Tractor Ted on.

I make the boys' porridge.

There's no milk.

There's no milk milk.

There's no Norwegian milk.

That's the Beatles song, isn't it?

Norwegian milk.

There is oat milk.

But I don't really trust oat milk.

I don't know when it was opened.

I sniff it.

I can't really tell.

Max, it doesn't care.

It doesn't care.

Oat milk doesn't give a shit.

Oat milk will be fine in 50 years' time.

Is that right?

I thought it was like open within 10 days of because it's been opened.

Okay.

So I don't know how long it's been open for because I don't go near the oat milk.

But anyway, it smells fine.

So I make them both porridge.

We watch an episode of Tractor Ted.

I can't remember what happens in that.

Willie is getting into spinners.

So they're just sort of a plastic thing.

You they've got a suction thing on the bottom, and then they're just the thing that spins around and round and round and round and round.

So that's great.

So he does some spinning on a magnet tile.

I get them both dressed.

Ian is in a fetching Brooklyn hoodie.

Willie has chosen a one-piece with some leggings.

Interruption.

David O'Donnell.

Are we at that adorable phase yet where Willie sees Ian as the coolest guy who has ever existed?

You know what I mean?

Like, no one has hero-worshipped anyone ever more than Willie hero-watches Ian, even when Ian is hugging him and basically squashing all his internal organs.

Yeah, Willie is like, I'm here for this.

I didn't need my liver anyway.

Do the kidneys, too.

Ian wants to watch trains.

He wants to watch the London Underground and the Weaver line.

He's reminiscing about his time in London.

He turns to me and he says, if you tire of London, you tire of life.

I say, I agree with you, Ian.

He's like James Joyce writing Ulysses, thinking back about Dublin when he's living in Zurich.

Dublin is lost to the sea.

I want to be able to rebuild it brick by brick from this video of the train.

Yeah.

I get Ian some watermelon.

He says it's the wrong watermelon.

I turn the pieces the other way up.

It is now the right watermelon.

I'll make Ian a snack box for the morning because he's going to be with Sophie, the babysitter who we love.

So just to cut up some apples, some breadsticks, put it there.

Jamie comes in at half past seven.

Wow.

She's very thankful that she's had an extra hour and a half.

Yeah.

I have a quick shower.

Jamie leaves for Palazzo at 10 to 8.

Ian bursts into tears.

Willie bursts into tears because Ian has burst into tears.

Eight months old, and Willie already has empathy.

It's amazing.

We're giving this guy empathy.

Sorry, I'm sensing here: are we out of the chaotic woods of two tiny lads who are just attempting to push you both over the edge the whole time.

Like in the two weeks since we last found out, there's real chill vibes here.

You're making a snack box.

She's going off to Pilates.

I'm going to say, categorically, no.

Maybe ask me in five years.

Anyway, I'm holding them both in tears and then they're both fine 20 seconds later.

Eight o'clock, Sophie arrives.

She holds Willie and takes Ian and they go and do some painting.

I clean the loo.

I do the bins.

I head out with Willie to Cole's.

Need to get some essentials.

So 20 minute walk, bread, bananas, apples, cucumber, normal milk, yogurt, his and his nappies.

Fine.

I'm due to drop Willie with Jamie, but he falls asleep in the pram.

So I say, don't worry, you have a nice coffee on your own.

I'll walk in for half an hour.

Jay is meeting one of her best friends, Ruth.

Side note, Ruth was backpacking with Jamie in 2010 when I met Jamie on a volcano in Nicaragua.

What?

So in the early two weeks when I basically said, where are you going?

And they went, we're going here, here, and here.

And I went, sounds good to me.

She was like, why is this psychopath following us around?

We've booked all these things and now we have to re-book them for three because this loser is hanging around with us.

Anyway, seemed totally normal at the time.

Now we're married, it's kind of seen as acceptable behavior.

Do you feel you still get that sort of vibe where, like two characters from Greece, you know what I mean?

Ruth stands behind Jamie with her arms folded, just frantically chewing on chewing gum while you blather on about whatever rubbish you're talking about now.

I think by child too, it's he does.

I've really given the impression that I'm in it for the long haul.

I think it's what I would say that, you know, anyway,

so I take them for a walk.

Jay is suspicious that I'm being so nice.

And she says, are you doing this just because it's your yesterday?

And I don't think i am but like there's every chance but i don't think i am think i am i think i am i drop ian off and the pram and then i go to a different cafe i go to a cafe called penny farthing i get a long black scrambled eggs with cherry tomatoes and a hash brown on my own this is really good i know i've got like two hours to myself it's great i walk home Jeff for the car, it doesn't really matter.

I drive home, I think.

I try and have a nap.

I just try and have like just a little half hour, but it's too early, really.

And then I'm in bed.

And bearing in mind, I've let Jamie sleep till 7:30.

Jamie rings me and I wake up.

Willie's in the bath outside, and she wants help.

A little part of me is like, you got to let me sleep in, but it's okay.

Don't say anything.

She'll find out when I'm telling you.

We've established in recent episodes.

This is how I really talk to Jamie.

Anyway, the sun is shining.

Willie's sitting in the little bath in the garden.

We chat.

It's really nice.

I do my press-ups and my squats.

I think it's day.

I'll tell you what day it is.

We're still doing this.

Are you noticing any tangible benefits?

Are you got rock hard abs?

Do you have incredible stamina?

You know, like those ads I get served up on Instagram.

Is your body like a buffalo?

It's day 34, and I've missed three days.

So I've done 30.

I haven't noticed a discernible change.

Yeah.

But I think maybe you just have to run to stand still at our age.

So basically, if I do this every day, I'll just not be as shit as I would have been if I hadn't done it.

That's the general vibe.

But I do kind of dream that one day I'll wake up and go, oh, look how ripped I am.

I mean, the fact that, you know, I eat a bar of Tony Chiccololis every night is probably not helping.

Yeah.

I definitely, because I am on something of a post-Edinburgh health kick, which just basically involves don't eat two pizzas every day.

But

I like to, when Helen's around, start talking in this voice and then just pull up my t-shirt and just punch my rock hard abs like that, even though I look the exact same as I have since I was about 30.

So, Ian comes back with Sophie.

We hang out for a bit.

In fact, I'm still doing my squats and press-ups, but I can't stop now.

I've got three to go.

Sophie goes home.

Ian, then with Jamie, they cut some lavender from our front garden and they make a card for Frank and Janet over the road.

Any occasion in particular?

Thanks for finding my aeroplane.

Is the

It's completely adorable.

Did he use the find my aeroplane app?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was in their heads.

Reich went to terminal three at JFK and picked it up.

It was very kind of it.

Willie needs a nap.

I need a nap.

This is good.

So I get him down in the cot.

Two hours sleep.

Here we go.

Cannot wait because I've had one failed nap.

25 minutes later, we're walking in the pram.

It's not going well.

I get a flat white, strong, three quarters full.

It's great.

Yeah.

I walk to the park where

Ian Fitzroy's been a playground that's been done up.

Jamie and Ian are there.

So we play a bit of swing, a bit of sand pit.

Someone's dug two big holes.

They've just been at a cafe where Ian got some buttered toast.

He doesn't eat the crusts.

So Jamie hands me a paper bag of toasted crusts.

And that turns out to be my lunch.

But at the time,

it's nice.

It's pretty bleak.

Like a duck.

Like what you throw into the

basically.

Jamie's fish the crusts out of the lake

the mallard's lunch is what I'm having.

The social media has been serving me up the new coffee that started in Melbourne that is taking over the town.

It's called a Mont Blanc.

Have you seen this?

Oh, I don't know.

It looks like a reverse pint of Guinness.

Yeah.

No, I think it looks like a pint of Guinness, actually, because it's...

The top part seems to stay separate, which is the milky bit.

Yeah.

And the lower part is pure coffee.

I think it might have ice in it.

I know that's not really your thing.

Okay.

Well, the internet was having me believe everyone in Melbourne can't stop talking about Mont Blancs.

Okay.

I'll do some investigative journalism on that.

Thank you.

We play swings, samp it.

I eat the crusts.

They're pretty good, actually.

Sometimes when you cut the crusts off, you do a really good job.

And then the crust, the remaining crust is actually just crust.

But this has been kind of ripped off.

And so actually, I'm sort of quite fortunate that I get quite a lot of bread with me so it's quite a hearty paper bag of crusts

jay takes willie home ian wants to stay so we do some more sandwork it's really near my friend davo's house my friend devo the osteopath we're texting we'd been out the night before and he says do you want a beer i say no thanks because i'll get work later

this has just recontextualized the whole day you and davo were on the absolute raz the night before that's why you want to go for your first nap at five past nine in the morning.

I did have two pints at a pub quiz the night before.

He says, Do you want this drink?

And I think he means alcohol-free lager, but he doesn't.

He means a can of hooch.

It's just alcoholic lemonade.

So he opens his, and there's one sitting there on the table.

And I don't want to drink.

I say, well, I'll have a sip of yours.

It turns out it's really nice.

So I have a can of hooch.

And then we're just two men in a park drinking hooch and all these sort of mums are looking at us like, we're just not quite doing the right thing.

Ian starts playing with another boy, four-year-old guy, and they are having the time of their life putting cars down slides.

It's great.

I see his mom, and I'm like, this is lovely.

It's great.

So me and Dave chat.

And actually, we reminisce about something funny that happened at the Pub Quiz.

It is yesterday, but do you want me to tell you?

Yeah, it's allowed.

It's a loophole.

The question is as follows: for the PubQuiz:

which 1990 film would I be watching if I heard the line, baby, I wish I had three hands

1990.

Marsba's got it already.

So here's the thing.

Marsbar's got the correct answer.

So I say, we're all, we don't know the answer.

And I say, is it some alien thing where some woman's got three boobs?

Okay.

And Davo's partner, Christy, who I've known for many years, she says, oh, shut up, you idiot.

That's a stupid idea, stupid boy.

No one's done a film with a woman with three boobs.

That'd be ridiculous.

Anyway, then we do the rest of the quiz, the rest of the round, and we're doing the tick, tick, tick.

And the answer is total recall.

Mars Bar's got it within a second, where there is a woman with three boobs.

And honestly, is there anything better than being at a pub quiz and not getting the right answer, but basically being on the right track and someone else saying, no, you're an idiot.

And then it turns around in their face.

I am like swearing in her face.

I'm like, fuck up yours, Christy.

You will never live this down.

I'm so excited about it.

Anyway, so we reminisce about that.

Pertinent follow-up question: Do you lose the pub quiz by one point?

so at the end you can really faux magnanimously be like oh not to worry not to worry problem is in the same like two questions before the question was

who is the villain they'd give you the name of the henchman and you have to know the villain the henchman was odd job and i said

i said blofeldt and the answer was goldfinger and davo said goldfinger i wasn't as like i don't know maybe blofeld i wasn't like sticking to my guns but hang on goldfinger his actual name, not his nickname.

I thought Goldfinger was Blofeld's nickname.

Are these all separate bad things?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Because I didn't think Goldfinger was a...

You know, hang on, let's just Goldfinger.

In retrospect, his name probably is Goldfinger.

Like, Doneka Goldfinger.

Peter Goldfinger.

Wendy.

Ernst Stalvers is a super villain.

Auric Goldfinger, Marsbar says.

Blofeld Blofeld is different.

Is he?

Blofeld is different to Goldfinger.

Is it true?

And I realize this is.

This is probably the worst bit of podcasting we've ever done.

Three different people looking at Google.

Classic

watched you do yesterday blufferism coming up here.

But a few years ago at the Edinburgh Fringe, Henry Blofeld, Blofeld, the cricket commentator, did a show, and he

someone said that in his show, talking about the history of cricket and his own life,

he said that Ian Fleming had been at Eton with Henry Blofeld's big brother.

So there's loads of Etonian references in the original James Bond books.

I think that's right.

Some listener, I would imagine, is going to come in with a way too aggressive comment based on that.

But yes, I am 91%

sure.

Well, Mars Bar says he's not Googling.

And since he got total recall incredibly quickly, what we need to do is get him to a pub quiz.

Anyway, we come joint second, but the team who come first know the host, and they're too brainy, so they never take the winning, which is $100.

So then it's a tiebreaker between us and the other team of when was Jaegermeister

first introduced.

Do you know like the birth date of Jaegermeister?

So it's probably on the logo of Jaegermeister.

Okay, I'm going to say it's way older than you think.

So it's going to be like 1356.

Correct.

It's 1934.

And so we were closer.

We said 1806, but I was with you.

I thought it was like made by monks, you know, in some

oast house or something.

Anyway, that wasn't yesterday.

It was the day before yesterday.

Apologies to the perfectionists and the pedants amongst the audience.

Okay, it's home time, but we have to go via the op shop, the charity shop, because Jamie and Ian had bought a giant Hot Wheels garage.

It needed picking up, and I didn't realize how big it was.

So I went in and it was the size of a house.

So I'm carrying that and I've got in the pram and I get to the tram stop.

We get in the tram.

The tram police are in.

I love the idea that you, because you're bad boys.

you and Ian, and you've never bought a ticket ever, you now both have to get inside the Hot Wheels garage.

So there's just a huge Hot Wheels garage there.

And the Melbourne tram inspectors have to approach it and they're not even sure which bit of it to call into

to see if you're in.

Listen, I don't have it on my phone, but I do have like the card.

It's called a Mikey and I have two on me and I don't always have them on me, but I have one that works.

So that's good.

But there's a woman there who clearly doesn't have a ticket and she's playing a great game.

She's really doing that.

I don't have any identity on me.

I've got no driving license.

I've got nothing on my phone.

My phone's running out of batteries.

She is playing this brilliantly and of course even though you want people to buy their tickets because you want the tram to run on time in the moment you are on the side of of the innocent the guilty but you're on their side and like come on keep fobbing them off and i wanted to see if we got to her stop and if she would just jump on and do a runner there's two people with her there's another like three people at the back they've all got big badges on they're making they're looking at each other going you know handing forms to each other and at one point it's really fun and this might not be true, but at one point, I see the, there's a guy and a woman, and they are the tram police.

I see the guy mouth to the woman, play the game.

That's what I see.

Now, I may have invented that, but you know, I'm completely ignoring my three and a half year old son for this joke because I'm really, like every other person on the tram, we're watching the poor person who's been caught.

But I definitely see him say, play the game.

Play the game.

Now, I don't know what the game is.

I think it's just you know, play along with she can't find this, she can't find that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But annoyingly, our stop is before our stop.

So, I don't have the denouement.

If any of our other listeners were on the number 11 from sort of Fitzroy going north, let us know.

Wow, I've been that person

on the Cologne tram system

when I was 19.

Oh, yeah, in the cleaning the warehouse It was a sausage cleaning job or picking up the sausages and got nailed.

And unfortunately, I didn't speak any other language apart from really rudimentary Irish from school.

Oh, is that right?

That's clever.

Yeah.

And although these guys had most European languages, like there was definitely a thing at the start where he was like, you speak English, right?

Because I remember I had a t-shirt with a picture of kermit the frog who's come up in this episode already wearing undies that said kermit klein on them it was the era of the funny t-shirt and he was like you speak english right and i went like straight into

kneel alone parallel of gum yeah really basic and then immediately headed off into miss can i go to the bathroom and you know conjugating verbs classic stuff like that good and you got away with it yeah i got away with it i i got off at the next stop then and left them good yeah if they listen now they'll be like that was that guy there's a retired cologne trampolist going that was the guy we missed play the game yeah play the game i really love that bit so much anyway we

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It's the the tram.

Play the game.

Play the game, Pachowski.

Anyway, so we get home, we play the new Hot Wheels.

The Loop the Loop is really good.

Like, no car fails in it.

What's it got?

Does it have, say, a lift with a handle like the old Fisher Price?

No, no lift, but it's got three chutes and one is just a really steep loop the loop.

Yeah.

So it goes down, down, down, down, down, and the loot the loop works perfectly.

Then it's got two other bits that sort of twist around each other and one does a little jump and one just goes down to the bottom of the garage.

Also, it's good because it does have batteries and occasionally it makes sort of noises like

but it means we can put the other Hot Wheels garage in the shed, which is so loud.

It's the Hot Wheels garage that Willie got for Ian the day he was born.

Oh, so kind of him.

Yeah.

It was also the one that I found just laying on the street when I was going for a run.

It's enormous.

It actually costs about 500 bucks, but like, yeah, so I, we got it in the car and got it back, but it's noisy because it's got a kind of, it's it's got a kind of lift system that goes on

and you just goes on.

You're like, oh, God, kill me now.

Anyway, it's bath time.

It's dinner time for the boys.

6 p.m.

Willie's bedtime.

I get him down pretty fast.

So I'm in that room and he's asleep.

I lie down for attempted nap.

Number three.

Jamie calls me into the bathroom where Ian's having a bath.

We have a short, quite fractious conversation.

The result is I get to go back in and have a nap.

It's not popular.

I get 30 minutes.

Has he passed out into sleep?

Is this a totally unnatural?

Do you try and say, oh no, it's important I lie with him?

No, no, no.

He's in the court and I'm rubbing him.

I'm just like, look, I've got work.

So I just haven't sleep today.

Also, that hooch.

I'm blaming Davo.

You know, I didn't need the hooch.

Jamie's doing Ian's bedtime.

Dinner is dinner in a box.

It's been a while.

I am ashamed to say this.

I am microwaving pre-made mashed potato.

I've written here, allow time for abuse from David, is what I've written here.

But the meal itself is delicious.

Like we know how to mash potato, but it just comes in mashed potato.

We could have just mashed and potato.

It's like a chicken in a kale in a mustard sauce.

It is something that we probably could cook ourselves, but we're time poor, David, and it's actually delicious.

Do you think my criticism of you eating dinners in a box has affected your consumption of dinners dinners in a box?

Because we haven't had one for a while.

Yeah, we've been in London for two months.

That's why.

Did you get box dinners in London?

No.

No, we didn't sign up to box dinners in London.

You know, because that would have just taken subscribing to something and unsubscribing.

So we didn't do that.

Yeah, okay.

Anyway, I'm two mouthfuls in.

Willie wakes up.

I go in.

Jamie eats her dinner.

She rescues me.

I eat my dinner.

She comes out.

We talk about life for a bit.

7.45.

Into the shit I go.

I'm recording an episode of What Did You Do Yesterday?

With Irish comedian David O'Doherty.

Yeah, he's cool.

Alison Spittle, my good friend.

It's a good episode.

It's a good episode.

Yeah, we finish at 9:40 p.m.

I go to the day bed and I close my eyes.

I see, I remember this because it wasn't a super long episode, but it did went over the sort of hour and a half record time.

I mean, that's for the chat we have beforehand and all the rest of it.

And I'm thinking, because I do this as my first work activity of the day, I'm like, okay, great, that's done.

But then I forget that you will be staying up till three in the morning.

Well, I go to the day bed, I close my eyes.

What's that?

10.15 p.m.

Charlie Baker's calling.

He wants a chat about some talk sport business.

I say, oh, Charlie, I was hoping to sleep till half 10.

I boil the kettle and make an instant decaf.

I'm back in the shed because I now host the afternoon show on TalkSport every Wednesday.

And at the moment, with the time time difference, it's 11 p.m.

to 2 a.m.

I'm questioning my life choices, but I like the show.

It's good fun.

Can you do the old trick you did on Radio Cambridge where you tried to stay up for five days by just playing Hotel California back to back and then sleeping for 12 minutes during the guitar solo?

It'd be really fun to say.

We'll be chatting about England Wales with Jay Bothroyd in a minute, but here's the Eagles just to see what would happen.

Like, would management, the boss listens to this podcast?

Maybe I'll find out, Liam, what happens if we just play on a dark desert highway?

You should, like every show, be allowed to play the Eagles once, shouldn't you?

Anyway, we have a pre-show Zoom.

We chat through what's on the show.

Do you want the show highlights?

Yeah, absolutely.

For reasons I'm not sure of, within about a minute of the show, I invent a footballer manager called Ray Brick.

And the listeners instantly send us players for the Ray Brick 11, Grout Fass,

Antoine Cimmento, Danny Drinkmorta, Nuno Espirit Level Santo.

It's good fun.

We can't do it the whole show, but we do it for half an hour.

We're like, we'll do this.

We have another boxing interview.

This guy is Anthony Yard.

He is fighting soon for the light heavyweight championship of the world, I think.

Now, listen, it's better than the Moses Atalma interview.

Yeah.

But it does expose our lack of knowledge a bit.

There's an awkward moment where Charlie is trying really hard to sound like he knows what he's talking about.

And he says, stars make fights.

You've got similar styles, but Anthony's internet has gone down.

So then we're like, is he there?

He's not there.

Is he there?

He's not there.

You know, that awkward bit of radio.

Then he comes back.

So Charlie asks the same question.

Stars make fights.

You've got similar styles.

His internet's gone down again.

It comes back.

So I say, Charlie, you can't ask that question again.

I ask that question again.

We get a text from someone saying, listening to YouTube try to ask a box of questions is what I imagine would happen if my 83-year-old Aunt Betty interviewed Snoop Dogg.

Did you ask him if it's true that you two straight up don't like each other?

Really?

So I'm really focused going next week we'll have a boxing guest and I'm going to really, I'm actually going to do because it's actually, I said I'm not, I'm honest because he said, look, you know, I really enjoy the fights.

And I'm quite honest.

I say, look, I don't forget, I'm not a boxing expert.

So, you know, forgive me if I ask stupid questions, but enjoy is a weird verb for fighting right like i understand you enjoy the process you enjoy the winning you enjoy the competing but actually when you're being punched in the face do you even have time to enjoy it i think that's quite a good question like do you enjoy to go because like right now david i'm enjoying myself sure podcasting is quite low stakes i think you know like how dare you i'm very unlikely to get knocked out in the next two minutes you know that seems unlikely we're not even in the same room so even like let's say we hated each other and we just have to now pretend to like each other yeah you you know, for business reasons.

You're quite far away.

If you were going to punch me, I've got a good 24 hours before you're going to get here.

So I say, like, do you really enjoy it?

But he doesn't really take that.

That I think is an interesting question.

And talking about that, he's just like, yeah, I enjoy it.

I'm like, okay.

I would enjoy it in my fight, which is forthcoming judgment night, we're calling it, where I fight the entire featherweight division.

Oh, yeah.

Where there's 30 or 40 of the top contenders, and I just keep skittling them all down.

Like Gary Kasparov playing a million people at chess.

You're just like, you know, they're all standing, so you're just going punch, punch, punch, and they're all just out.

Yeah.

There's just so many refs going, one, two, three,

yeah.

And because they're so little, some of them, like, I've got one under my arm and I'm tickling him.

Do you know what I mean?

And another tries to get at me and I put my head down so he can sort of punch me in the head.

So it feels like he's making something.

And I'm like, oh, that's a really strong punch.

And then I throw the tickly guy and they're all in the corner.

the whole division are in the corner you know how that fights go oh yeah i do anyway so the show finishes at two in the morning i've done the show in my pants by the way because 15 minutes in i was wearing some of jamie's tractic bottoms they're a bit hot so i took them off and i was just careful not to stand up for the youtube so the listeners didn't know no i did it all in my pants so it's starting to warm up there because remember we had the bleak time in melbourne where you were trying to get sympathy from the listeners you went out for a walk and it did seem like there was smoke on your brat.

Yeah, winter hit in and then we went to London for two months, which, you know, is a sort of cheat.

It's cheating.

You know, I just skip the Melbourne winter.

Yeah, it's warming up.

And the trouble is, I've got aircon in the shed, but the remote control doesn't work.

And so I just press auto.

And sometimes it works out that I'm.

hot and want to be cold or cold and want to be hot.

But yesterday it thought I was cold and made it even hotter.

So that was really annoying.

But I getting around to fixing the remote control is that's going to take me a couple of years.

Yeah.

So show finishes at two in the morning, and then I go to bed.

End.

Do you wilt towards the end of the show?

You see, you're such a pro.

I doubt there's a drop-off.

I'd say.

I was chatting to Miles Bar before we did this pod.

When the show is on, you're on, right?

There is something about it.

It's a bit like, you know, doing a stand-up gig when you don't fancy or whatever.

It's like you are on and that is, you just, you can find the reserves to be like, I'm doing the show.

and the joy of live radio is like it could absolutely fall apart any minute and you have to be totally on it or something massive could happen and you've just got to be aware of it so you just have this focus apart from when i'm interviewing boxes where i don't know what focus but you know it's a fun show it's not the today program so you can be relaxed during it but yeah i'm yawning in the ad breaks for the last hour there was one clip i can't remember if i told you this where like there was they'd forgot to fade my mic down for some terms and conditions about a competition and i just did the biggest yawn over it it was about half 11 at night i don't know but like we're really honest the listeners know where i am there's no kind of sort of deception they know it's the middle of the night we just don't bang on about it yeah anyway so it's two in the morning i close the zoom i close the laptop i always when i do a radio show i text the whatsapp group of that radio show as soon as the show's finished and i go just got home great show because i i really like

love it i really like that very little response whenever i do it but i keep doing it just got home great show Have a wee, brush my teeth, in bed at two in the morning, because the show, we're probably off air at 1.57 a.m.

So I finished the show.

I'm in bed by two,

and that's the end of the day.

Wow.

No residual

in bed.

You're able to just drift off.

I don't know when I fall asleep.

Yeah.

You know, I know that at 3.30, I am not asleep, but that is...

I don't think that's in today.

That's childcare tomorrow.

I think.

I'm not sure.

But there is one thing, David, is that a few months ago I was in Teddington and

I saw a comedian putting up posters for his own show.

Oh, wow.

And I saw a guy.

Can we try and guess?

I would like you and Marsba to have a guess.

Yes, please.

Les Dennis, Dennis Wise.

Les Dennis Wise.

Les Dennis Wise.

Incorrect.

Marsbar?

James A.

Castor.

And

Bryant Robson.

No, he's never going to be in tillington terrible so we didn't get it oh god that's a surprise oh my goodness

i think neither of you are trying hard enough is what i would say you two are ruining this

giving us any clues you won't even tell us if it's close like say i said dennis wise what it was another chelsea teammate of that what it was

di matillo yeah exactly but we've got nothing to work on this is like screaming into the grand Canyon.

That's what this is like.

I work on this assumption, right?

We've established we're going to do this for the next 120 years.

Right.

So we will get it.

And if it takes us 25 years, just imagine the moment.

Just imagine it.

Imagine the extraordinary.

I mean, it'd be amazing if it was an anti-climax, but when somebody gets it,

it's going to be so good.

Listeners, how do you feel about this?

How do you feel about anything?

Let us know.

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To get in touch with the show, you can email us at what did you do yesterday pod at gmail.com.

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And if you didn't, please don't.

Hey, thanks, David.

Thank you very much for telling me about yesterday, telling me about all the feedback we've had, and generally having an enjoyable hour talking to you.

Thanks, Max.

No, thanks, David.

I'm in it for life.

Me too.