S3 EP17: Alison Spittle

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Podcasts, there are millions of them.

Some might say too many?

I have one already.

I don't have any, because there are enough.

Politics, business, sport, you name it, there's a podcast about it, and they all ask the big questions and cover the hot topics of the day.

But nobody is covering the most important topic of all.

Why is that?

Are they scared?

Too afraid of being censored by the man?

Possibly, but not us.

We're here to ask the only question that matters.

We'll try and say it at the same time, Max.

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

What did you do yesterday?

That's it.

All we're interested in is what the guests got up to yesterday, nothing more.

Day before yesterday, Max?

Nope.

The greatest and most interesting day of your life?

Unless it was yesterday, we don't want to know about it.

I'm Max Rushton and I'm David O'Doherty.

Welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hello and welcome to today's episode of What Did You Do Yesterday, the podcast where me and Irish funny man, David O'Doherty, ask someone what they did yesterday.

Hey, David.

Another one of Max's great friends on the podcast today.

Do you think it works because we do that joke in this bit and then right at the start of the episode, I normally do that joke again?

Or do you think people just like the familiarity of the joke?

I just, I love how easy to tell with our podcast who's booked who.

As in Jonathan Wilson, football writer for The Guardian, who Max does a podcast with every second day.

And then Star of the Edinburgh Fridge is always a giveaway with my bookings.

It's very rarely there's a sort of down the middle one where it could have been either of us.

So who is it?

Who is it?

Who are you talking?

I mean, for the tape, we recorded it yesterday.

We've had 24 hours to mull over the day of Alison Spittle.

It's an absolute beaut, I think.

So, Alison Spittle, I've known her for

10 years.

One of the breakout

10-year overnight successes of the Edinburgh Fringe this year with her show Big, which she will be touring.

I think she's doing a Soho run in London from the 2nd of December, and then doing a UK tour next year, doing some Irish gigs as well.

She is the host of magazine party.

She used to host, what was it called, Wheel of Misfortune with Fern Brady,

magazine parties with Poppy Hillstead.

She's just one of the most naturally charismatic performers with so much to say.

She delights in the mundane, and I think it's fair to say we get a bit of that here, Max.

Oh, we do.

We take sippy cups to a place they've never been, is what I would say.

This is what Alison Smith did yesterday.

Alison Spittle, welcome to What Did You Do Yesterday?

Hey, very happy to be here.

Very excited.

One of the best concepts for a podcast ever.

Well done.

Well, thank you.

And it's just so nice for me to catch up with another old friend.

That's

a year into this, when the concept is still the main thing

that someone says that's good about it.

I feel there's some inherent criticism there as in if you guys ever suss how to do this because the idea is lovely then get back to me.

No, no, because it wouldn't last this long if you didn't have a natural chemistry.

So, you know, I can't give you a compliment on every aspect of this.

You know what I mean?

You just pick one thing.

If someone gave you too many compliments, you'd be freaked out.

Like, nah.

I would like Alice and you to compliment us after every question it may spoil the flow yeah no great for our self-esteem i'll be like i love the way you do the extras i'm gonna hear about your days every second week i love that it's quite a like a politician thing to do which is when you're asked an awful question you go firstly can i say that's a wonderful question you know what i mean just to buy yourself the time to not shit your pants while you attempt to answer it though david let me be clear i love all podcast concepts

I've always been very clear on this.

I've always.

And let me state once again, I love podcasts in all their forms.

It's better than when you, you know, occasionally you go to a restaurant and the waiter comes up and says, has anyone explained the concept to you?

And you want to go, I'm quite confident I know sort of how this works, but go on.

Cover the concept.

I can see you've got a piece of paper there.

I really know where this is going.

I said you're going to give that to me.

I'm going to point at something and then eat it when it arrives.

I'd love it if the concept was like you don't digest this the normal way.

You secrete it for your skin.

You fill your boots with stew and then you wear them for a week or two and your body absorbs it through the soles.

Sometimes I feel like that when I have gravy though.

Like if I eat like a roast or something like that, I feel like I emanate roast vibes for at least two days.

Like I can smell it.

Through your pores, the bisto through your pores.

It's sort of warming for people around you.

Anyway, come on.

Alison, you know how this works.

When did you wake up yesterday?

So yesterday I woke up earlier than I normally wake up.

Like I put the alarm on for seven, went through two snoozes, but the snoozes were me scrolling, looking at YouTube videos of stuff that I politically agree with.

But what I've done with YouTube is normally I'd get the news for YouTube and then the news made me too sad.

So I block off specific news outlets.

And now all I'm left with is absolute slop.

It's like people reacting to reactions to news.

That's how I consume my news now.

I don't think it does any good for me or the discourse, but

so this is Chris McCausland-esque, I think, Max.

It's two nine-minute snoozes.

How long's a snooze in this day and age?

Yeah, nine.

I use a snooze to tell me to get off the phone and to wash myself and stuff like that.

So that's what it did.

But you're getting two stages removed.

So it's sort of like Basil Brush reacting to somebody you like reacting to James O'Brien reacting to Nigel Farage.

That's what we get.

What I get is like...

Hassan Piker reacting to Candace Owens reacting to the news.

So it's going through the worst right-wing thing and then left wing and then it's suffered in the middle.

But it really does wake me up i love to wake up angry that was good so it's 18 minutes past seven

and you

furiously like you throw the duvet so far off because you're furious from your weird news feed the duvet like hits the far wall and then you stride maybe you don't even open the bedroom door you walk through it and it leaves a perfect allison spittle shape that i wake up so hard I think, like, uh, because I'm at the moment, I'm in a state of flux, and I was staying in a friend's house who has an incredible spare room.

Even the mattress topper on this bed, I knew I'd miss it because I'm going into like shared accommodation, and I knew that the bed wouldn't be as good as this bed.

And I had my own ensuite as well, so I've been living on the princess.

You could take the topper,

I couldn't, I couldn't do it to her.

So, I stripped the bed.

I have two massive roller bags to bring across London, and I packed away nearly everything apart from like my toothbrush and stuff that I'd need for that morning and instead of using like um packing squares I use tote bags so I put everything into a tote bag and I tie it into a big knot and then I put it in a big roller bag so I gotta like brush my teeth have a quick wash my friend texts me and she has kids and she only texts at like half seven in the morning so I notice a very small window

is there so I text her and do you know what the communication isn't great it's once every two weeks we talk and i know that there's something that we have to talk about and i decide then to listen to her podcast while i make my breakfast so i go downstairs i'm making my breakfast i listen to her podcast and this is from a couple of weeks ago i realize that she's talking about me on the podcast she says a friend but i recognize myself oh wow in the podcast oh my god this is not dissimilar to your news filter where it's people reacting to other people reacting to things that actually happened but it's my own social life.

Yeah, you're finding how other people feel about things through.

This is the problem with Max because if were I to do that, his other podcast, he just shits on about Scunthorpe against Leighton Orient in the Carabao Cup.

Interruption.

Is your friend sort of in the entertainment industry or is it just a friend who has a podcast?

Is it just Rory Stewart?

Yeah, it's Alistair.

It's Alistair Campbell.

He knows I'm pissed about the Iraq war and he draws it again.

She's been listening to too much Hassan Pika lately.

Do you know what's exciting, though?

This is the closest guest so far to Jack Reacher because you are, wherever you are, you get up and you put your belongings in a bag.

I mean, he would leave belongings and then you just go to the next place doing the right thing with the wrong attitudes.

I like this way of living.

Yeah, I have my roller bag on a stick that I balance on my shoulder.

Good, yeah.

And then I just go around London.

Rory Schwartz, like, um, Alistair, a friend of mine is moving house at the moment, and we've had rather a disagreeable time recently.

You're sitting there staring at the rollerbags, she's probably walking to the tube as we speak, and you're walking to the tube.

It's just spooky, yeah, it is spooky, and it's so like, and I know that she'll listen to this podcast and she'll hear me talk about it.

We're both communicating through podcasts, and I find it so strange.

i love it i will text her today and tell her but like it's mad i mainly communicate to jamie through the midweek episodes of this podcast

i'll do the really honest stuff in-person stuff is if it i just sort of skirt around the edges so are you happy with how your friend has portrayed you on her podcast great question very good question yeah i am because she starts off the bit by going by the way i love this friend so i feel reassured sounds like there's a but there's a but straight after that.

There is so what happened was she was congratulating me about Edinburgh and I said to her I can look at the message and now I look back and I did consider deleting it.

I thought no I've the sentiment is real.

So she's basically gave me this big long message going, it's great like you know you've been working so hard all this time and it's great to see you do well or something like that.

And I go, wait there, I have to search for the word bitch because I think it's so bitch in it.

I mean it's just nice to get a a message from Kemi Badenuk out of the blue like one.

Yeah,

we haven't chatted in a while.

I went, yes, bitch, I hope to see you rise too, right?

And exclamation mark, because she's a comedian as well.

She messaged back, but she deleted that message, but I didn't think Anna Fan of it.

So I don't know what that message was.

I'm going to ask her what the message was after.

I don't mind.

Do you think it was...

Your use of bitch there now?

Do you think that's what it was?

Because it's the sort of thing you would say to me, for example, as well.

I do say to you all the time, or Donald's or King,

which even

where she wants to say, I have already risen, because your friend is Roseanne Barr.

And she's like, I'm quite, I've done all right for myself.

Allison, as you will know from listening to this podcast, Max's references are all slightly off.

So he tried to think of a female comedian there.

And the one that, even though we've had quite a few on this podcast, it's still Roseanne barr he it was rosie o'donnell versus roseanne barr in his mind there and he went with rose i probably picked the wrong one didn't i i probably picked the wrong one you're a match between two roses it's beautiful

so do you think she's upset because you basically said she hasn't risen yet well yeah and she didn't she said like she wasn't upset she just felt stung do you know what i mean because she's a very like open and honest person and that's why i'm really good mates for through podcasts not through texting i'm joking but like she's she's a really good mate.

And it was so like, I was making my eggs and I was like, that's me.

I know that's me.

Then it made me think about this podcast.

And I was like, anyone that I bump into today, I'll probably talk about them on the podcast.

And what's that relationship like?

You know, do they listen and go, that was me?

There's a few people that come up like, because I thought about my day yesterday.

I did spend my day.

yesterday and the day before because you asked me on Monday and I did a mini run-through of what did you do yesterday if I had to go on the podcast tomorrow.

I like rehearsal.

So a little rehearsal.

And that's so weird.

Did you hire two sound alikes to play the me and backs role to see what way, like, you know, the way American presidential candidates really over-prepare for those debates?

I know, I know.

Possible questions.

Do you know what?

I saw a fight happen in Tottenham and I was like, oh, if only I was on what did you do yesterday, tomorrow.

Fully watch that fight, you know?

big shame.

And also, like, on Monday, the day before yesterday, I was doing lots of work stuff.

And today, or the day that I'm talking about now, there's no work stuff going on.

It's all kind of admin.

I know it is fine.

And that's the whole concept of this.

I know.

But, like, yeah, I was overthinking it.

So, I had to pack away all my stuff.

I got my stuff in roller bags.

I put the bed sheets that I slept in into the washing machine because I'm a good guest and a bath mat.

Everything is clean.

And then I've washed up everything

and I drop a bit.

Yeah.

Have we eaten the eggs?

We've eaten the eggs.

The eggs are.

So obviously there's a range of eggs and we've had quite a lot of egg chat.

And I'm here for more.

How many eggs and what are we doing with them?

Two eggs, one-third of a pepper, because I cut a pepper and I put it into like a chicken marinade.

And I was going to make myself lunch so I wouldn't spend any money whilst in London.

It was going to be tarragon, lemon, yogurt and garlic.

It was a gorgeous concoction.

Thank you.

And I had half an avocado and a pit of bread.

I ate my eggs, which is eggs, a bit of smoked cheese, the avocado and the red pepper.

It was good stuff.

Like

I was treating myself like I was having a brunch.

You know, it's a lot of washing up after that.

I pack away the chicken.

I put it in the fridge for a few minutes because I just, I don't know, food safety, all that type of thing.

I just presume the fridge is the best place.

And then eat my breakfast and I break a plate and I'm so mad at myself like i literally the last job i had to do was put away a plate and i broke it and it looks like a nice plate oh dear so i say i'm gonna text my mate tell her i broke a plate but i just rush out i get into an uber hang on with my oh yeah is the chicken still in the fridge or have you taken it out of the fridge now to transport it across london the chicken is still in the fridge but not to my knowledge oh no question

When you were putting the sheets in the washing machine, did you have a brain freeze and put the plate in the washing machine, too?

And that's how it broke.

Yeah, and then you just watched it clonk around for about 50 minutes.

Hopefully, plates are expensive.

Can I say that?

Cochran, the man who lived in my house before me and left a battery-powered vibrating Cochrane in the drawer beside the bed, also left his plates, which I priced then because I wanted to try and figure out how much stuff he'd left behind.

And his plates are from a great plate manufacturer called Denby and they were retailing for 35 euros a plate

sorry I don't mean to bring you down here but you may owe that much money I do think it was a really pretty lovely sparkly plate and I broke it by dropping

I dropped you know the you get a mug if you go on Richard Herring's podcast and it's like a really big thick big mug I don't think I got one well my mates got two

remember the second roseanne bar that's a different friend it's a different friend sorry

it's the doubler it's the doubler but like uh so i dropped that big heavy cup on the plate but the cup survived the cup is cup is fine oh that is a hefty cup that is a chode of a cup genuinely it's nearly a sports direct cup oh yes sports direct cup is the biggest of all cups i've never heard that description for a mug a chode of a mug is a great description the question then being, was the plate from appearing on like off menu would make sense if they had commemorative plates.

And in this house that you're staying in, which has an en suite guest room,

oh my goodness,

all of the Delft, I'm going to call it.

Oh, the Delph is good.

All of the Delph is from different podcasts.

Well, I bought her a Dis Morning cup for Christmas because she used to love watching This Morning to get angry in the mornings.

So that is in the, she's she's got a cooker as well you know one of those taps that you have to wank off to like um get hot water out of sorry say that again well sorry

just a quick fluff like it's like two strokes and to the side do you go up and down on the shaft up and down up and down on the shaft

who designed this a premature ejaculation tap

and it's a boiling ejaculation

it's absolutely but it's dangerous It's dangerous.

Like, I like those.

It's convenient.

But what I don't like about it, when you put on the kettle, there's a ritual of you get the cup out and then you get the tea.

And with the cooker, you have to get the cup out, then the tea, and then do the boiling action.

It actually takes me longer to make a cup of tea because when I hear the click, I do it.

Could we blame Richard Herring for the plate?

Yeah, let's

take him to court for this.

I am worried about the plate, and I should text her that morning, but I've got so much other stuff to do that I leave it off.

Do you know what I mean?

Do you throw the plate away or just leave it smashed?

I put the plate on top of the bin to show that I realize that I've broke it.

It's there.

You can dispose of this how you will.

I thought maybe she'd like to maybe fix it like in Japan where they put gold.

She will not, but I want to give her that option.

They put gold on the crack to show the imperfection off because that makes it even more beautiful.

This will be a hell of a day if it ends up with you then flying to Tokyo to try and get someone to fix the plates.

I lived in a flat in Edinburgh one year, and there were six plates, and they all had friends written on them, and the logo for the TV show friends.

And it never made sense to me because I don't associate the TV show friends with plates or even with meals, particularly.

No.

And so I suspect they must have been cheap in a junk shop because who wants friends' plates?

And the person who was renting out this property had bought six of them.

Wow.

See, I think there should be a law that if you're a landlord and you're letting out a house, you shouldn't give your tenants a bed that you wouldn't sleep in yourself.

And the same should be for like cutlery and stuff.

Like the amount of like grim-looking crockery and cutlery I see

in shared accommodation is crazy.

Do you know?

Right.

So we've got our two bags with all our tote bags inside yeah london is ours we're in that there london yeah we have got all our worldly belongings we do you're here to find fame and fortune you've put in headphones with just the most london songs do do do do do do do do do do do do do and it's a sort of you walking up carnaby street then with the two roller bags you're on the london eye with the two roller bags is that what's happening yeah i'm listening to downtown just constantly driving through south london

i um i get in the uber the uber driver is lovely i also have a bag of wet clothes because i forgot that i left some my clothes in the washing machine they've been in there for days and my my friend has been too polite to tell me to take them out but also hasn't taken them out herself which is fair so i've got a wet bag full of like smelly smelly clothes and i'm bringing that heavy has she been doing washing taking yours out and then putting them back in

or just sort of washing them on top and then you know, separating them and just leaving your?

I'm lucky.

Maybe I've come in at a time where they aren't doing a big clothes wash during the time that I've been there, so it's been perfect.

You've been there for seven months.

I've been there for seven months.

Their clothes are like cardboard.

You could snap it off them.

So, hang on, we I just need to step back here for a second, Max.

So,

staying in this luxury,

we'll call it well, it is a penthouse.

Yes.

Because you are moving to a new property today.

Yeah.

So is this your earthly possessions in these two wheelie bags?

These are all my possessions that I've had at the fringe and I've had in Dublin.

It's been absolutely terrible getting them across London.

One of my roller bags got like briefly stolen by accident last week coming across London.

So I've decided to do an Uber.

Someone took my roller bag by accident off the train and I had to then get another train back to that that train station.

Did you get their bag and think maybe they've got better stuff in here?

I think their bag must have still been on the train.

To be honest, I didn't think of my responsibility for their bag.

I was just going back to get mine.

So like it's been a nightmare and I'm glad I've got this Uber.

This is the luxury that I'm doing.

And I'm moving.

I'm moving to like a small flat share.

It's very cheap.

It's going to be good.

I only found it last week through a woman that I met briefly in comedy who's now moving to New York to start a new adventure and she needed someone to sublet her house.

So, I had to collect her keys before she got on a plane to go straight to New York.

Now, hang on.

So, you've got two wheelie bags, and you've got a sack of wet clothes.

It's quite heavy.

Yeah, that's a lot to carry.

Straight in the Uber.

You're in the Uber.

I'm in an Uber.

Life is great.

The Uber is fantastic.

Magic FM is on.

I am being driven through the place that I used to live in London, which I love, South London, Camberwell.

And I pass by the park that I used to live near, start crying, send a voice note to my mate, start crying, because I just miss, I love Camberwell.

And I'm also like, this is part of me that's really sad to move from the area that I'm moving from because it is like the Olympic village for comedians.

Like, there's just such lovely comedy pals around there.

And I've built like such lovely friendships.

And now I'm going, I'm going back to the place I originally moved to when I was in London.

And I thought I would miss that place.

But when I went to Camberwell, I didn't miss that place at all.

And now I'm going back.

So I feel a bit of melancholy.

melancholy can we just imagine the song I know you've got magic fm on yeah if you didn't and we filmed this I'll give you a couple of options everybody's talking at me

that could easily be on magic fm i mean like

i reckon i reckon you've got more than words yeah smooth operator and it's just the magic what's the vibe of magic fm i live in dublin well i i can remember the songs yes please stay new for the moonlit sky.

What's that one?

That's sleeping satellites.

Is that what that's called?

And that is the song I start crying.

That is like full-on masturbating to very soft pornography.

There is barely any emotion in that song.

Hang on.

Well, we've now got a more profound idea, which is, wow, this is like an idea for a Richard Curtis movie.

You find a radio station that is perfectly soundtracking how you feel at every moment.

So, you know, say you're entering into a tense situation where there's about to be a like a gunfight or something.

You would hear like,

boom, boom, boom.

Like you could tell what was about to happen by hearing your own incidental music.

Exactly.

That's incredible.

Exactly.

And not to spoil the day, but it's a two-cry day.

And the second cry,

the second cry is a music one as well.

So I think the second one is like way more cooler.

Have you seen that amazing real, like point of view, your phone's being stolen?

The robbers come up and they're stealing their phone, and it cuts to the guy who's got his headphones in.

He's listening to Vanessa Carlton A Thousand Miles or something.

He's like having this real fight and it's playing absolute magic at end.

How long is the Uber drive across London?

It's the guts of an hour.

It's the guts of an hour.

No traffic.

We go across Blackfriars Bridge, which is my least favorite of the bridges, but I still like it.

Interesting.

Well, I like Blackfriars Station because of the view, but Blackfriars Station blocks off the whole view.

from Blackfriars Bridge.

So you get a little bit of the wheel and the Oxo Tower.

And I used to love the Oxo Tower when I was younger.

That was like one of my favourite buildings.

But now I feel nothing for it.

So we're going across.

Sorry, this is another one of those London situations.

Yes.

Like Helen Bauer going up Dog Kennel Hill or whatever it was called.

Just the idea that there's a place called Black Friars.

Look, I know people who live in London won't even acknowledge this, but it does sound like a heavy metal band or album.

That's so true.

Do you know?

I did make a note.

I'm going to look through my phone notes because I did make little notes of stuff that I noticed on that day.

There was a place called Barry Dale Road, and I want to know the history behind that.

Oh, yeah, you've come to the wrong place.

Yeah, but I know I like.

So, you're heading into Farrington.

This is good.

This is my manor.

This is where I used to live for years.

I'll go through Farrington.

Okay, through Farrington.

Now, where are we going?

Then I'll go into King's Cross.

There is a nature reserve in King's Cross that I used to go to about three years ago, especially during lockdown.

So, I passed by that, and that makes me feel a bit happier about moving to where I'm moving.

I passed by, have you heard of Rios?

Rios is an adult spa.

I love it.

So I was obsessed with Rios when I lived near Rios before.

I never went in there, but I did eye up everyone that did.

It is, there's no other way to describe it.

It's an establishment where swingers go to.

And

that's what it is.

And you should read the Google reviews for Rios.

I was obsessed.

There was a lot of one star.

They would not let me in.

One star.

I do remember I was in Edinburgh for some of the pandemic, and there are gentlemen's saunas in Edinburgh that, you know, have been there for a very long time, and they were allowed to open under health grounds, you know, because from a relaxation sort of day spa point of view.

But they had to put the signs up that say, no one, please remain whatever, 1.5 meters away from everyone else.

And I remember thinking, that's not the vibe.

It's so titillating, isn't it?

Just to be on heat.

All of them there.

I want everyone to emotionally cheat on each other in front of each other.

But in a way, what's good about that Google review, that could be a good place for people to meet who weren't allowed in, who weren't at the level for Rios.

They could say, you weren't allowed in either.

So why don't we, we must be on a par with each other.

We're not allowed in, so we could crack on together.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

It's the Rio fringe.

Do Do you know?

It's the fringe festival for Rios.

Do you think anyone goes to Rios just thinking they're going to a day spa?

Yeah, I think so, because there's been a few two-star reviews that have stated that.

They're like, the swimming pool isn't even that big.

Nice if they're like,

it wasn't what I expected, but in for a penny, in for a pound.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, there's a lot of people that have like elaborate backstories if they ever bump into anyone that they know in real life in Rios.

God, you're here as well.

I mean, I just came here to lie on a sun lounger near King's Cross.

Yeah, I don't know where my wife is.

She should be back soon.

Okay, so you're not moving into Rios full time.

Oh, I wish.

I'd love to.

And so then the Uber drops me outside the flat that I'm in.

He helps me with the roller bags.

And then I text the lady that I'm swapping keys with.

So So she comes down, she helps me.

I bring up the biggest roller bag.

I give her the second biggest roller bag.

She brings it up and the bag of wet clothes and I bring up the big roller bag and we go up two sets of stairs and the flat I've never seen the flat before.

So this is my first time seeing the flat.

It's a no sitting room situation.

Every room is a bedroom.

There's a big kitchen and a big bathroom and they're both clean.

So I'm happy with that.

How many people are you moving in with?

Two other people.

And it's a kind of house that they say to keep themselves to themselves.

So I don't even...

Two murderers.

Brilliant.

Yeah, or like jewel thieves, maybe.

You know what I mean?

I don't know.

She always kept herself to herself.

But that's okay, because I'd rather be that than her smile lit up a room because that means I would die.

At least if I kept myself to myself, I'm the killer.

And in this world, I'd rather kill than be killed.

Got it.

So I check out the bathroom.

The bathroom is clean.

I get into the bedroom.

the woman that i'm swapping keys with she has to leave at two o'clock i'm here at 11 a.m and she wants to charge a phone we get chatting because we know each other a little bit so i'm just chatting to her about like what she's going to do while she's in new york she's chatting to me about like don't get dressed without the curtain with the curtains drawn because there's workmen on that roof it looks like the roof is empty but there will be workmen there so she shows me the washing line i have a washing line over my bed i put all my bras away.

Yeah.

And she's still there.

We're still chatting.

And I think to myself, I'm not going to fully unpack all of my stuff.

She said, I can leave if you want.

And I said, no, because I don't know why.

Like, it would have been more convenient if she did leave so I could unpack, but I don't like doing that.

Sure.

I said, do you want to come to this cafe?

I used to love this cafe when I lived here.

And it's called Pedros.

And she's never been to Pedro's before and she's moving away from the area.

So we went to Pedro's and then she said, I got this sleeping bag that I filled with like deodorant and wipes and stuff I just want to give this to a homeless person before I go so that I was like yeah we'll do it on the way so we go to Pedro's she is a sleeping bag and we we look for a homeless person to give the sleeping bag to and we can't find one on our way there so we go to Pedro's Pedro's is an amazing place I don't want to be talking too much I feel like um but Pedro's is my favorite cafe in the world okay so has Pedro's changed how long long since you lived in this area?

Two years.

Pedro is still there, but now he's got like an earpiece in his ear.

And I think he's listening to the radio whilst doing bits and bobs, which is good.

Or he's in MI5 suddenly.

It could be.

It could be in MI5.

Because you've moved in with murderers.

They're doing a snake out on it.

The workman on the roof opposite, they're watching every move.

Yes.

I just want you to know what you're moving into here, Alison.

Well, the price has gone up since I've been, and that's that's fair.

I know, like, the cost of living has gone up.

You used to be able to get like a breakfast for about seven quid, now it's over a tenner.

And also, why I love Pedro's is because back in the day, the guy who works behind there saw any homeless people that would come in, he would give them a meal and he'd give them a seat and everything, and he'd never be weird about it.

Like, there's some people that give homeless people food, and but they make sure that they go outside the restaurant to eat, and he was never like that.

So, I always liked the vibe of this guy, and also, like, once there was this man who had trouble phoning up social services for benefits, and he told Pedro, and then Pedro was just on the phone to social service to the welfare office to help this guy.

So, I love this guy, he has my custom forever.

Does the person you're replacing in the shower house give you valuable intel on the house?

Obviously, we don't need to dish the dirt here because your new housemates are maybe huge fans.

Like, imagine if you heard this playing.

This is yet another example of podcasts meeting the real world yeah imagine if i'm in my bedroom and then i hear this podcast being blasted through and i'm just yaggering on oh my gosh i've turned the podcast on myself before others i've gone postal with a podcast they have to never ever be seen it would make your time there really quite exciting because every you'd have to like judge is that walking in the door or out the door you need to keep yourself to yourself even more than they're keeping themselves to themselves.

That's so true.

But it's kind of cool because we don't have a sitting room, so I don't see much kind of interaction.

Do you know what I mean?

Like it's there.

Yeah, but even without a sitting room, you'd still need to make up a new voice

so that they wouldn't know.

So you'd be like, all right, like when you get in, all right, Dr.

Orleans,

something like that.

I really feel like smashing stuff up now.

Just someone tell me something.

Do you know what I mean?

They just say, I've had a bad day.

I could do it.

No, like, with

the intel I've been given is like, there's an internal lock for my bedroom door.

Everyone in the house locks their doors.

So I'm going to lock my door.

Alison, I'm trying to be positive about this.

I don't love washing line over bed, if I'm honest.

I don't love no sitting room.

David.

Come here.

I get my own cupboard in the hallway, okay?

So we're fine.

And you have to sleep in that, standing up.

I have a lot of trepidation, I do, because it's kind of like I'm downsizing.

This is the place I'm going to because it's really beside a tube.

I'll be able to get to work quicker.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, for the next year or two, I'm going to live as frugally as I can and work as hard as I can.

And this is the element of it.

And it's what it is.

It is a saving, you're in a saving time at the moment.

Yeah, I'm getting all my nuts and burying my nuts.

Burying your nuts in Pedro's.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Although I did go mad in Pedro's because I was just so excited to be there.

And I did pay extra to get ginger in my orange and carrot juice.

It's an extra 70p because it's a fresh juice maker.

So that's fair.

I think Pedro's, I don't think he's fleecing you there.

I think that's reasonable for your bit of ginger.

Have you put the wet clothes?

I'm concerned about these wet clothes.

I would put them back in the wash, to be honest.

I have.

I've put them in the washing machine.

So I've put a wash on and we've left to go to pedro's we find a man sleeping he's on the floor and he doesn't have anything else and we don't want to wake him so we just leave the sleeping bag beside his head you know it's his if he wants it he can have it so we leave that and then we get back home and it felt it felt like a little i don't know it felt like a little side quest because i didn't envision that I was going to spend this long talking to the person that I was swapping keys with yes or going to Pedro's.

I had a busy day already.

I kind of wanted to come in, collect the keys, and then nip off.

But I had like a bit of a two-hour delay.

At this point, I text Helen Bauer because I was going to go to the cinema with her.

But with the way that my day has gone, I have to tell her I can't go.

Ah, shit.

She's stuck in traffic on the way there already.

That's her vibe.

That's her main thing.

I know.

And it's a film I really wanted to see as well, but it'll be fine.

I'll survive.

What film were you due to watch?

Was it a Disney film?

It was the new Paul Thomas Anderson film.

And my dad has told me it's really good.

And he only likes films like Heretic with Hugh Grant and stuff like that.

There's nothing that dazzles my dad more than Hugh Grant putting on a working-class accent or any type of accent that isn't Hugh Grant.

My dad is like, he's the greatest actor in the world.

Okay, so.

We've come back to the house.

We've missed the potential cinema.

Kieran Eightley's moved to New York.

Yeah.

The wash has now finished.

Presumably you've hung them over your bed.

Yeah, and I put a fan on and then I closed the window.

I know this is going to develop problems for me later.

I don't want to leave the window open.

So I think I'm going to come back to a really wet room.

Because?

Well, because the clothes are drying and there's no ventilation.

So you're just, it's going to be muggy.

I've created my own ecosystem.

Why don't you want the window open?

If the plan is to dry the clothes, I mean, I don't know the temperature, but open window and fan is a good idea.

That feels like a good idea.

That is, but I'm leaving and I want my worldly possessions to still be there when I come back.

So you're on the ground floor?

I'm kind of, I'm really doxing myself.

I'm quite close to like.

We've ditched Bower.

Yes.

We've unpacked in the new place.

Yeah, we've unpacked as much as I can.

I've taken the tote bags out.

I don't want to take out my knickers in front of the person I'm swapping keys with.

Has she not gone?

I thought she'd finally gone to New York.

Well, when she went, I went too.

When she went to New York, I'm off on a journey now.

Okay.

I'm going to visit my granddad.

It's the only day I can visit my granddad because I'm gigging most of the time and I'm elsewhere in the country.

Beautiful.

Yeah, I haven't seen my granddad since before the fringe.

And he is in a care home.

And he's getting to the age now where, like, he was so technical.

He's so great.

Like, I used to, I had my website and I used to have a segment where I would update my granddad about my my life because he had a bookmark for my website and that was the way that he found out stuff about me is he would go to my official website.

So I'd communicate to him via my website.

But now he's getting a bit older.

He's in a care home and he's not able to use his phone anymore.

So the face-to-face meetings are important and I haven't seen him in over two months.

So I'm really mad to get back to him.

Is it a nice care home?

Is it one where you're the vibe seems good?

The vibe is good, but he, so he had a fall and he ended up in a hospice for a couple of weeks.

And I was so scared when I heard hospice because I thought the only way you get out of the hospice is you die.

But hospices are used as well as like emergency kind of placeholder places for people that are older.

So he was having the time of his life in this hospice.

Like the incredible food.

We used to, like, when we were in the hospice, I used to wheel him out in the...

in the bed and let him get in the sun because there was like a veranda.

I'd be pushing this big, massive medical bed out.

And now that he's in a home, it's a more permanent thing.

And there is a veranda, but he's no access to it.

He doesn't like the food as much, but I've seen the food and I think the food looks good.

And I think he's always loved the complaint.

So before I go visit him, I buy a set of headphones because I know I'm doing this podcast tomorrow.

And I don't have

a headphone that will fit into my laptop.

So I go into Tiger.

Only the best.

Only the best, babes.

Only the best.

Four quid.

I pick up the headphones and then I go to Mark's and I buy, because I know I'm going to visit him.

I buy a bottle of port.

I buy a cheese board.

He is a big dessert boy.

He loves the turmasu.

So I got two different types of turumasu.

That's a heavy afternoon for the two of you.

If you get through all of that.

Oh, we are.

We are blowing out, like, genuinely.

The cheese board.

Yeah, I get him a lovely cheese board.

I get him Corniche Cons.

Is that how you say?

The little small gherkins?

Yeah.

He loves those.

Great.

So, yeah, I get him loads of little bits.

And then I get the bus from Reading town Centre out to the care home.

Well, hang on.

Well, hang on.

Yeah.

How are you in Reading?

I mean, like...

Oh,

I travel to Reading.

I'm sorry.

I travel to Reading.

That's quite.

You've just north of King's Cross.

That's quite...

That's a thing, isn't it?

It is.

It is.

I had to get three tubes to Paddington.

Wow.

And then a train from Paddington to Reading.

But then it's like 20 minutes.

It's so quick to get to Reading.

And I've got a network rail card.

So it only costs me about 20 quid, like, return, which I think's incredible that's great so i'll get a paddington what do we listen to on this part of the journey magic fm soundtracking your every moment driving home for christmas christmas

i listened to the louis farou interview with steve coogan that day because it's just freshly out and i'm like oh okay is it good it was but my the phone grazed off my body and it skipped about 30 minutes and i didn't notice and they were just wrapping up the conversation it could have just been one of louis's silences couldn't it it could have just been Louis.

Because Louis Farue goes, and I know you have a hard out, so we're finished now.

I was like, that is a hard out.

This has only been 10 minutes on.

Steve is very busy.

You know, you're doing well.

But only give Louis Tharou six minutes max to do this podcast.

Genuinely.

I was like, this man is high status.

High status.

So

when I realized my mistake, I skip back to the middle.

And at this point, I'm getting a bus from.

So I've been around the Oracle.

I consider going to Ben's Cookies to get Grandad like a gooey cookie, but I have bought too much food at this point.

I also buy a nail scissors as well in Tiger because I don't know whether he has nail scissors or not.

And I think it's always a good idea to get nail scissors.

Very thoughtful.

Yeah.

So that's what I do.

And now I get off the bus.

There's a diversion on the bus.

but the diversion brings me closer to the care home so it's all worked out better what a win ah i cut like five minute walk off do we get any crack out of gramps any uh good old tales?

Or is he just complaining the whole time?

Ah, do you know?

He's at that stage in life where he is sleeping with his eyes and his mouth open and it's freaky.

You walk in and he's just lying there.

And like, I'd be scared, but I can hear him snoring, but he's just openly snoring with his eyes are wide open.

I didn't know you could do that.

Oh, he fully does it.

He fully does it.

And at that point, I'm going into the fridge and I'm just just packing away the stuff into the fridge.

I drop a spoon because I'm always dropping stuff.

And then he wakes up with a start.

And then we start yapping.

And it's all good.

But I didn't want to wake him.

Do you know, I wanted him to get as much sleep as possible.

The worst way to wake him would have been to have just poured the bottle of port.

Your granddaughter's here.

Yeah, I'm trying to kill him like a medieval king.

Just drown him in pork.

Just drown that man.

we start yapping i tell him about the edinburgh fringe because i haven't seen him since then i'm showing him pictures we start chatting about other relatives what they're up to we do start chatting about he always loves chatting about rupert murdoch he always talks about rupert murdoch really does he see himself as a sort of uh media baron He hates Rupert Murdoch with the fire of a thousand sons, that and Margaret Thatcher.

And he wants to outlive Rupert Murdoch.

That's been a thing he's said many times.

Many times that's tough it's a big flex by rupert murdoch to marry jerry hall at the age of like 97 it's sort of like i'm gonna be around for another while grandpa it's that he says that or the dfs sale and i'm like you're not outliving the dfs sale

you're not he's not that's a permanent sale

okay great do you have a nice time it's sometimes hard when you haven't seen someone for a while who's uh getting on a bit yeah but do you have a nice time with a great time like i love my granddad he's like this is what i thought of yesterday when i was chatting to him because like our chats used to be a lot more animated before like maybe about a year ago and i'm seeing differences i'm just so happy to be around him it's like your favorite tv series that goes on for way too long but you're just happy it's still existing Do you know what I mean?

You're there to sit down.

You're in its presence.

You're like, some of the best people have left this.

Death and Paradise.

Yeah, death and paradise.

You're like, it's just there.

And he, um,

we set up the charcurity board at that point now.

We're making a picnic.

So I got the charcurity board set up.

He's drinking at the moment through sippy cups and he's got three sippy cups.

The man refuses to drink water.

There is a water sippy cup on his table.

And he's never, and sometimes he sounds like he needs water.

Like we'll be chatting.

I'm like, Brambet, do you need a drink?

I can hear this off you.

And he's like, give me juice.

It's always demanding juice.

Is he four years old?

Is that it?

I swear, he's hydrating through juice alone.

And then I say to him, if you want the port, what should I pour out?

Which sippy cup should I use?

There is a sippy cup full of complan, like that type of

medical stuff.

He asks me to pour that down the sink to fill the sippy cup with port.

So I'm pouring out complan out of a sippy cup, washing it out, and then filling it with port.

And I was like, this is, this is the grimmest thing I've ever done in my life.

Like genuinely.

Do you know when you're doing somebody?

You're like, this should be in a play.

It's an Alan Bennett play.

Yeah, it is.

Porter can't plan down the sink.

Fill it with port, my love.

We're on an adventure.

That's when one of the nurses comes in and says, has he taken his medication?

You have to finish this now, Arthur.

And then make his neck a whole sippy cup of pork.

And you're sitting there going, Oh, I really should say something, but I don't want to say something.

How are you going to explain to the nurse?

Yeah, I've poured out your medical grade complan and I've filled it.

I do love the idea, though, that after this podcast really explodes, like this is the episode that really takes to the next level.

Then sippy cups of port become the new hot drink.

It replaces Apparol Spritz next summer.

Adverts and everybody, you know, in like a beer garden with sippy cups of of pork.

Yeah.

Genuinely, that would be.

Then there's like a news report and it's like police have said there's an uprising like violent sites and it's just two men with sippy cups of pork just beating the shit out of each other.

Everyone would be asleep.

Like everybody would be asleep

actually.

Look, he was having a ball.

He wanted, we did the child curiosity board.

I ate some of it as well.

It was good stuff.

We considered watching the chase, but he didn't want to.

And we just played.

I played music out of my phone on Spotify.

And the stuff that he likes is like Matt Monroe, Nat Kincole, a bit of Frank Sinatra.

So it's like, it was good fun.

And then my dad came back from work and he always goes to my granddad after work.

So me and dad were having a chat with granddad.

Dad's going to a funeral this week and he has to pick out a football kit for it because the guy who died

has requested that the only things that you can wear to the funeral are either West Bramwich Albion football shirts or England football shirts.

Specifically, he's like, no villa, no wolves.

Like, that was on the invite.

With his final breath, he outlined the teams that were not allowed to be worn.

Everybody just, you know, like everybody at the funeral, you know, they live in there, then they open the order of service.

They go, let me open my cupboards.

Oh, I don't have a West Bromwich Albion, you know.

Oh, I've got Chris Brunt 2015.

I'll be absolutely fine.

And our first hymn of the day is shit on the villa.

There's an old West Brom football jersey that is highly sought after by the jersey collecting hipsters, which is, there was a weird era where only some teams had sponsors.

And one of West Brom's first sponsors was a government no-smoking campaign.

So it's a jersey just with a cigarette with a line through it.

That's beautiful.

Bonkers jersey, which would be

not to be

ironic if he died in that

lung cancer.

Yeah, that would be amazing.

That would be amazing.

Oh my gosh.

My dad is opting because I asked him, like, what's he going to go for?

And there's a specific vintage one of 1968 at home that he's going to go with.

Like, he was talking about it, like, it was like the most appropriate and stylish.

Do you know what you're going like?

With respect to everyone at that funeral, there's going to be a smell.

All that polyester in a church.

You know what I mean?

It's going to be reeking.

It is.

The Port and Sippy Cups.

It's all going to be like...

Yes.

Sorry, I've just looked it up.

What was unique about the 1968 FA Cup final?

It was the fifth time West Brom won the FA Cup.

They'd not reached the final since.

It was the first FA Cup final to be televised live on BBC Two in Colour.

And both teams wore their away strips.

West Brom wore white shirts and shorts with red socks.

Everton wore gold shirts and blue shorts.

So there we are.

So that's when West Brom last won the FA Cup.

That's it.

And it's like, because I love West Brom do have a history of like weird sponsorships.

Like we did get sponsored by that Boiler company.

We did make Boilerman the greatest mascot in the world.

Are you a West Brom fan?

Yeah, I am by birth.

By birth.

I'm inflicted.

Boilerman was, oh, I mean, I got a a lot of on the other podcast i do we got a lot of mileage out of boilerman he was great presumably his torso was just a huge it's a huge boiler boiler yeah yeah did he have a lagging jacket on or was it just a copper boiler oh that would be amazing if in winter they should put a lagging jacket on like a big copper jacket quite often in winter he stopped working and then they had to get

the co-plumbers had to come in and like sort him out the pressure had gone down you have to keep turning up the pressure and then it it would go down again.

It would be beautiful.

Okay, so we've had a nice time with granddad.

Pops has appeared.

Yes.

We've got a funeral.

We all have some charcuterie.

Maybe a little bit of port.

Do you indulge in some port?

I don't indulge in the port.

I just don't want to.

And also, I am, so when I do go see my granddad, if he has any ear hair or nose hair, I do get the nail scissors and I do a bit of a beautician job on him.

So I don't want to be drunk whilst I don't want to sniff a bit of granddad's nose

with the nail scissors while I'm a bit sizzled.

So I have to keep sober for that job.

This guy is cut to ribbons and he's got a pork face, and his sippy cup is just like oozing pork.

And the nurse comes in and goes and says, Yeah, oh, they visit all the time.

They're lovely fans.

She'd be like, Do you want morphine as well?

I'll be like, Yes, please.

Okay, so how long are we there?

We're there until about like half six.

And then dad says, do you want to lift to the station?

I say, yeah.

And he brings me to Tesco before we go to the station.

So I hop in the car with him.

He's giving me a lift.

And we go around this really big Tesco's.

There's like a Tesco Extra outside Cavisham.

All these protein bars are on sale.

And I'm like, wow, this is cool.

All the protein bars are on sale.

And then I remember that there's this big, massive documentary that's going to come out about how dangerous protein bars are.

But I don't know how dangerous it is.

So I'm like, quick, Alison, Alison, buy all of these protein bars before you know the actual dangers, get a bargain, eat them, then watch the documentary.

Just on that point, they'll still be dangerous.

Just because the documentary hasn't come out yet, doesn't mean that, you know, from that moment on.

It doesn't work like that.

If you can eat as much fish as you like, and then once you watch Seaspiracy, then the fish are treated badly.

Before that, it's fine.

Max, I'll be serious with you.

Remember that big documentary that came out about Temu?

I haven't seen it.

Is that the sort of eBay type thing?

There's a big documentary about how it's bad to buy very cheap stuff, right?

Yeah, I knew that was coming out, so I did a big haul and I bought as much as I wanted off Temu.

And then I watched the documentary

and I watched it.

I'm like, this is terrible.

People shouldn't do it this way.

And I'm like, but it's already on the post, but I've never shopped since.

In the same way that David and I are doing the Riyadh Comedy Festival,

then we're going to read up on it.

Exactly.

That is genuinely my attitude: do it first, read about it later, regret.

Just a lovely little mix-up there.

When you said the documentary had Timu, my first thought was that Timu was the name of one of the killer whales in SeaWorld.

I was going into a solemn place of like, rest in peace, Timu, with your sad dorsal fin that flops over.

What was Alison going to say?

What I did was I got a killer whale into captivity and I kept it in my bath for six years.

And then I watched the documentary and I realized I shouldn't have done it.

I would say there'd be few ways of, I don't know, not endearing yourself to your new housemates than introducing a killer whale into it.

I know you've got that cupboard in the hall, but Timu is not going to fit in that cupboard.

But David, I didn't read Anifin in the contract that said, do not have killer whales in the bath.

There's a knock on the door, you unlock your door, and Richard in room two says, you've got an orca too.

I love it.

mating.

Suddenly, there's dozens of killer whales.

Okay, so your dad's got a load of protein bars.

Have you done a bit of a shop in Tusco Extra?

So, he's getting a meal deal for one because his wife isn't cooking today.

So, he's to get himself a meal, and it's like a pulled pork situation with cheesy mash.

And he's very excited by seeing the grated cheese on top of the mash.

I think that is the thing that pushes him over the edge to buy it.

I want these protein bars, but you have to have a Tesco Club card to get the good deal on it.

So I asked my dad at the till, does he have a Tesco club card?

And he's like, Not with me.

And I said, I don't have one.

And then the lady who's in front of us overhears us and says, You can borrow my club card.

She's getting the points.

She's getting the points, but I'm getting the money.

I've like this was incredible.

So,

you know, I get to get 50p off these protein bars.

How many times have I told you, get your Tesco club card tattooed onto your calf so that you just then have to just raise it up to get it on the scatter?

Excuse me, are you trying to hump our machine?

No, I'm getting my club card red.

It genuinely would look like I'm trying to seduce the worker by getting a discount.

I'm like, what can we do about this?

How can we come to some arrangement?

And then I lift up my leg and my honker is just on the corner of the hotel.

Sorry.

No, but the worry is right.

It's a good idea in principle, but it does really keep you to that supermarket.

And if you move house and then suddenly a sains breeze is nearer, a white trose gets close and you think that it's close.

The aisles are nice, wide apart.

Then you have to get another one and suddenly just your barcodes everywhere.

I was in favor of the idea.

I'm now no longer in favor of the idea.

To any of the listeners thinking of getting supermarket loyalty cards tattooed onto themselves, don't.

We're against that.

No, but what?

Look, if you get like your boyfriend's name tattooed across your chest and it breaks up, like you just have to cross out that name and put the new, you know, that's what you're doing.

Did you ever see that TV show, Just Tattoo of Us?

Have you seen this TV program?

Have you heard of this thing?

I have.

My sister tried to be on it, so I have seen it.

It's hosted by a very energetic Geordie, who I presume is incredibly famous.

Charlotte from Geordie Shore.

Is it?

Okay, it's Charlotte from Geordie Shaw.

And she's like, yeah, I wouldn't believe.

And so two people, me and you would go on, David.

Yeah.

And you would design a tattoo for me and I would design a tattoo for you.

And then we are tattooed.

We don't know what the design is.

And so either we're nice or we're not.

And like sometimes.

it's just so bleak because you know someone will give their mom a tattoo of like a penis on their buttocks

or you know like someone had a whole ball and chain on his mate because his girlfriend was like in their business and was stopping going out out partying or something honestly

sort of mesmerizing the bleakness just like a picture of slabodan milosevic just

across his shin i'm getting max the uh 1968 west brom like so the crest will be just above one nipple you know what i mean and a collar then

Well, formal wear.

You just take off your top and it's like, imagine getting like a tuxedo thing printed on your chest.

Yeah, not bad.

You're ready for the casino anytime.

You just take off your top.

And I'll get David the sheet music to dancing in the moonlight across your back.

And then this excitable Jordy will be like, ah Devonaire, what you've put on David's back like...

It's quite incredible.

And my apologies to our Geordie listeners.

Where are we?

We're still in Tesco's.

We're leaving Tesco's now.

I'm carrying six...

two litre bottles of water so that's 12 liters altogether you love hulking large quantities of things around the the place.

I really do.

I always feel very strong, especially it's not that my dad isn't able to carry it, but I love carrying heavier things than my dad.

I don't know why.

It just makes me feel strong.

So I bring that back to the car.

He brings his Tesco meal deal and the protein bars.

He drops me off to the train station.

I get on the train.

He texts me when I'm on the train to tell me that I've left the protein bars in the car.

Oh, no.

Now he has to have the protein bars.

And then I get more worried about the killing power of protein bars.

I was like, I wanted this for myself, but I didn't want to give it to my own dad.

When you do kill him through him eating too many protein bars, people will interview your housemates.

She was quite a lady.

She always kept herself to herself, but she had this awful plan to end her father.

Her smile lit up a room and then Joe Wicks hunted her down like a dog because of the protein bar situation.

We thought something was up when the killer whale fell out of her cupboard, but we didn't think anything of it.

And then she killed her father with protein bars.

So he's driven you back to Reading train station, is this?

And then from Reading, you're then back home.

You got to drop off the water.

So the water is in the back of the car.

The only thing I was going to bring home was the protein bars.

He was kind of shopping predominantly for himself.

I get back to the train station.

The sun is setting.

And I have 11 minutes to get the train to London.

But the sun is setting.

And if you've ever been to Reading Train Station, if you go on airbridge, I suppose between the platforms, you can get a really good view of Reading.

And I get to see the last bit of like sun just drape itself across Reading.

It feels beautiful.

There was a part of me that was like, it's great I'm getting a bit of nature in for what did you do yesterday?

Is this the second cry?

What's the song?

You're so, yeah, well, what happened was, so we get off the train.

Nothing mad happens on the train apart from my phone is down to 14%, so I charge up my phone I can't listen to anything because my headphones go through the jack where you charge it up so I listen to two people talk about the sex education they got when they were younger they're at a table near me and then they see me listening more so they talk quieter so then I just start scrolling so it's fine we're off the train we're going to Baker Loo line and just before I go below I want to get some music going and Labby Sifera bless the telephone bless the telephone that's the only song I can play while I'm underground because it won't let me play any other songs.

Oh, yeah.

It's a short song.

It's a short song.

I listened to it eight times.

That's the journey.

It was in the back carriage of From Paddington up until maybe

Regent's Park because you can get to the zoo from there.

From Paddington to Regent's Park, I'm in a carriage on my own, in the back carriage of Bakerloo.

I start listening to Bless the Telephone, and then I start like kind of singing along to it because no one else is in the carriage.

And then I start crying because it's just a beautiful song.

Wow, I had a great open cry on public transport because I was on my own the whole time.

I'd hold it in and I'd wait for someone to come on, and then they didn't, and then I'd bring it out again.

And I just genuinely, it was great.

It was a power cry, it was an absolute power cry because it's a beautiful song, right?

So, it's like shoulders sort of pumping cry, like that, sort of

tears, physical tears, uh, wobbling of mouth, feeling in chest,

but not quite shoulders, I'd say, but nearly there.

Do you know, if I was given a few more stops, I would have got a few shoulders going.

You've painted pictures, a beautiful picture with words there.

Thank you.

Labby Sifery's been in the news recently because he had to tell Trump.

Labby Sifery wrote Something Inside So Strong, famously covered by Barry from EastEnders.

Yes.

That's how it really came into the mainstream.

Genuinely, for me, it did.

It was the sort of theme of Nelson Mandela's release, and somehow Trump has been using it at his rallies.

He also uses

YMCA a lot because I walked into a Trump rally in New York when I was over visiting and they just played that constantly.

It was YMCA.

If he wants to use any of my songs, he cannot.

Beefs.

Beefs 2009.

I agree with.

Yeah, his Beefs are with the Human Rights Convention.

You know, he's just so sorry.

So we have had a cry on the train.

Are we going back to the new flat?

This is the new flat.

I'm going to sleep in this new bed.

This is my, so I get the 88 bus and I stop off at a shop really near my house because I want to get breakfast stuff for tomorrow morning and I want decaf tea.

I love having a decaf tea before I go to bed.

So I get a little milk, a decaf tea, and then the makings of like a bagel for tomorrow.

And I bring that home.

I put it in my new section of my cupboard, which sounds so grim.

You will have enough money to buy the castle you've always wanted to live in soon.

It'll have a portcullis.

It'll have a drawbridge.

And we will all laugh at this period where you put your decaf tea into a cupboard with a killer well.

I know.

This is it.

So I do that.

And then I go onto a website and I buy stuff that I need for the house, right?

I'm in bed right I've brushed my teeth I've put away my stuff in the cupboard I check on the washing they're still wet I open up the window but it's too cold to sleep with that so I open up the window for when I'm tootling about and poddling about and then I go on this website I buy some stuff that I feel that I'll need for the rest of the week I buy some konjack noodles I love these noodles that are like made out of vegetables and I want to buy a multi-pack of that I do it and I feel really good about myself but then I realize I've sent sent it to my old address.

So then I have to cancel.

You could pick up the chicken if you sent the old one.

Oh, no, the chicken's at the friend's house with the plate.

I've texted my friend and told them to eat that chicken, and they've sent me the prayer emoji.

Then my friend says, Where are my keys?

Did you leave the keys in the house?

And I say, Oh, no, I'll have a look.

And I'm looking through my bag and I'm panicking at this stage.

And then I whip off my bra and I hear a clatter, and the key has fallen on the floor.

So I've had the key in my bra this whole day.

Wow.

Text my friend and say, Sorry, I've got your key.

Also, I've broken your plate.

I'm sorry about that.

Do you have a perfect imprint of the key in your boob?

I would imagine.

Of course, I do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We could almost use that now.

Yeah, you could cut keys.

You could.

Yeah.

You could go to a Timpson's, take your boob out, and be like, one of these, please.

No, you'd have to like pour liquid metal into the

yeah, yeah, that'd be great.

This is another revenue stream for me where I cut keys to my own room.

I'm like, oh, well, to my friend's house.

And I'll be like, she's got a cooker.

She's got a great mattress topper.

You fill your boots, lads.

You fill your boots.

It takes longer, but it's more artisan service.

You give me the key.

I'll put it in my bra all day.

Yes.

You come back.

We'll pour in the iron ore.

Yeah.

You take a panel to bite off.

That'll spit.

And then you have a key.

And then my friend texts me and goes,

you've also left your ping pong balls here.

So in my packing, I forgot to pack my ping pong balls and I left them in the house.

Why do you have ping pong balls?

In case there's table tennis about.

Yeah, fair enough.

Fair enough.

Because me and you play table tennis, well, like once every two years to represent Ireland.

And I'm terrible at it.

I'm genuinely very bad.

Like at national level, are you Ireland's best table tennis player?

Technically, it is a national level of sorts.

It's a friend of the pod, Sam Campbell, runs a table tennis tournament at the Edinburgh Fringe.

It's country by country.

That's a great game.

It's a great game.

And we really bring out the best of that game.

Oh, yeah.

I think you are very confident and you're very good.

And what's good about you, David, as well, is that you're technically good at it, but you're also very kind.

You've never made me feel...

And I cannot hit a ball.

Do you know what I mean?

And there's never any frustration.

Inwardly, he's seething.

He talks about it a lot off-end.

What I do like is, like, we did ask for a compliment on every single bit, and you've complimented his table tennis ability, which I wasn't expecting to get.

Also, there'd be a beautiful circularity to this day if you had listened to an old episode of...

our podcast with me being like and this dose this woman that she's a friend of mine we play table tennis once every two years and she cannot hit the ball do you know but if you did that i would be like fair enough, because I do let down the country and I do let down you.

Like, genuinely.

I feel so sad.

I always do it because I want to feel that I can be better.

I don't practice enough.

So the ping-pong balls are there.

Do we watch an episode or something now?

So we've sent all the gear we need to the wrong address.

Yes.

We found a key in the bra.

I listened to a podcast of a guy who is, well, is it reviewing or is it reading?

he's at the moment, he's listening to the audiobook of a guy called Leo Vradkar, who used to be the Taoiseach of Ireland.

Yeah, I listened to him.

This is how I consume stuff.

I consume stuff by other people consuming it.

Yeah.

So I'm listening to him talk in great detail about the Leo Vradkar book.

I'm ashamed of like, people are saying, have you watched The Sopranos yet?

And I'm like, no, I don't have time.

But then I look at what I consume and it's genuine stink.

Like the most highbrow thing I've watched lately is Traitors, The Traitors, Ireland.

Yeah.

And they're not even actors in that.

I haven't watched anything where anyone's acted in anything for about two months.

But you couldn't watch The Sopranos.

You'd have to watch Davina McCall's review.

The news agent's review of The Soprano.

And then I'm getting the full picture.

Do you know what I mean?

Because politically, they're on different ends of the spectrum.

This Friday, I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics Rave.

He's haven't sent.

You were very unhelpful.

Good fortune.

Directed by Aziz Ansari, Middletar.

What time is it now?

What time are we at?

I'm poodling about in bed from about half 8.

My dad texts me to make sure that I've got home okay, but I get to sleep around half ten.

Is it cozy this room?

I mean, we do have, I mean, there's something of slight Victorian grimness.

I imagine damp, dripping clothes above you.

Yeah.

Do we find a coziness there when we shut the window?

We shut the window.

Now, I know that the curtains are not,

they don't keep out the sunlight, so I have an eye mask on.

I also have, I have sleep apnea, so I have to rig up this machine where I look like Darth Father.

So I've got my teeth brushed, I put my eye mask on, I put my sleep mask on, and I rig the machine up.

Sleep apnea is not the one where you go running in the middle of the night while still asleep.

Sleep apnea is the one where you pretend to die in your sleep and scare your partner and they ask you to go to the doctor.

That's what it is.

What does the machine do?

So you wear this like face mask, like so over your nose and over your mouth.

You look like a fighter pilot, like genuinely.

You strap it around the back of your head.

It's a big bit of equipment.

It blows air.

I think when you're asleep, you've no choice because there's going to be air just pumped into your mouth and into your lungs.

It's just pushed through.

So it's like it's like a tube.

It's like the opposite to a Henry Hoover.

It's just blowing air into your mouth.

But what you find is your granddad has snuck in and filled it with port.

That would be a good way to kill someone.

That's hell to ourselves, but I think it's a bit specific.

If you ask me, like people will put two and two together quite quickly and find you guilty.

If you didn't like your partner and you wanted to kill them, but you didn't want to get done on murder, so you slowly vaped into the back of their sleep apnea machine yeah you just vape into it I don't think that would kill them though they would just become addicted to nicotine without even

realizing it yeah they'd probably wake up and go I don't have sleep apnea so why have you put this machine on me

why is it smell of cherry blossom hang on so is this a machine comfortable like is it easy to get to sleep or you're just so used to it now that I'm so used to it now but it wasn't comfortable at first and it feel it does feel weird and I'm a big I sleep like Superman normally so i like to sleep on my front hands around the back of the pillow like this and head like that and that's what i like to do but because of the sleep apnea machine i can't do that anymore so i have to like go into a semi fetal position yeah there's loads of pillows in this bed can i be frank about the bed yeah it's not in my top five beds but it's not in my top five worst beds either it's very much in the middle okay i think i'm gonna get myself a nice mattress topper i do think i'm converted to the idea of a mattress topper my dad says says to me, just buy yourself an expensive bed, but I think a good mattress topper could be a good in-between.

I don't know.

I do like the idea that with the eye mask on, the sleep apnea machine, and then listening to a man talking about Leo Varadkar's autobiography,

three of the five senses entirely used up.

You're almost overstimulated.

I can enjoy the slop about the audiobook better.

It actually, you know, if I take out one of my senses.

Yeah.

It's like when people blindfold themselves and they they're more susceptible to touch sure i'm just more susceptible to that with slap about audio leo varadka this would make you the most susceptible actually on the leo varadka audiobook it says dress yourself up like a fighter pilot and put an oxygen mask on and an eye mask you will enjoy this audiobook more hold a carrot in each hand as well just to use up touch

patience as well so you can fully concentrate on my autobiography yeah just run a feather along your arm or something.

Like, I feel,

I do worry, though, if someone did break into my house, it looks weird.

Like, I know I look fully weird.

I look like I'm going to Berkheim or something like that, but I'm going to sleep.

A floral goth going nightclubbing in Berlin.

But no, that's what the workmen will see if they happen to get a glimpse through that highly porous curtain.

I look like I'm into piss play, but I want you to drink apple cider vinegar beforehand.

I want it to be all natural.

So we're asleep then.

We're asleep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been trapped.

It's sleeping time.

I've got my alarm on.

I've packed my scarf that I'm supposed to give back to my friend for the next day.

And I've packed my bag for the next day.

So I have all my podcast equipment in.

I'm ready for the next day.

Wow.

What a day.

Yeah.

So much in that day.

So much.

And it probably wasn't the most glamorous day from a showbiz point of view.

But quite frankly, we have enough people being like, oh, and then I had a gig and it went really well.

And at halftime, I was just sitting there thinking about how well the gig was going.

This was a very real episode, Alison.

You went to see Gramps.

Yeah.

You failed to get the protein bars.

You moved house.

You got the beautiful sunset of Reading, of the skyline of Reading.

I did try.

I genuinely have been thinking about this.

I was like, I should have an affair.

Because Because I know, like, you've asked me to be on a podcast and I knew you were going to ask me to be on it.

And there was a part of me that wanted to, like, imagine having an affair and then going on, what did you do yesterday?

And then having to make up something for three hours where you're off with your mistress.

I watched a sunset over Reading.

Oh, you think that could be code?

And in the future, people start using it as well.

It's so good because no one would ever question it.

People would go, surely there's not a great sunset over Reading, but no one would ever question it.

Oh, no.

Like, when my dad has given me a tour of Redding, it's always the most grimmest thing ever.

He once drove me over a place called Suicide Bridge and then told me about everyone he knows that's ever attempted to kill themselves, which is quite a few.

That footbridge is where I believe Elton John and Bernie Taupon.

They were talking about not working together.

And Bernie looked up and he saw the sun going down

just over Reading.

And he just said, Don't let the sun go down on me.

Alison Spittle,

thank you very much for telling us what you did yesterday.

Oh no, thanks so much.

It's been such a lovely experience.

So there was Alison Spittle.

What a day.

So much in that day.

I feel like she packed in.

Like, how did she just suddenly in Reading?

Like,

I know it's not that far from London, but like, she's already moved house and then she's gone to Reading and she's got back home by eight o'clock.

I don't know how she's managed it.

The

beautiful look over the famous Reading skyline where you have the Majesty Stadium and some other things that are in

the background.

Richard Curtis always did his movies there, isn't it?

It's always the lovers.

He's got, I've got a choice.

I've got hampstead heath or i've got ready i've got the i've got the airbridge at the services near at reading which one do i do for you know andy mcdowell i don't know um allison sent me a voice message last night after we recorded this with another great detail which was the woman who was showing her around the new flat probably didn't need that much showing around but allison said what's the wi-fi

and she said i'll uh text it to you now.

I don't want to say it out loud because the man next door will hear.

Right.

And then he will steal it.

He's like a hacker or whatever.

And he's going to use up all our megabytes.

So this is.

This is real life.

This is real life.

I mean, it's not often we've got to say that on this podcast, Max, especially my rarefied air of peanut, banana, bagels, and all the rest of it.

This is real life.

This is real life.

But by the same token, real life comes under the auspices of everything, and everything is showbiz.

Everything is showbiz.

Thank you.

Yes.

If you'd like to get in touch with the podcast, here is how.

To get in touch with the show, you can email us at whatdidyoudo yesterdaypod at gmail.com.

Follow us on Instagram at yesterdaypod.

And please subscribe and leave a review if you liked it on your preferred podcast platform.

And if you didn't, please don't.

Thank you, Alison Spittle.

And thank you, David O'Doherty.

Initially,

Alison, check out future episodes of What Did You Do Yesterday?

Because we'll be doing two a week until certainly

when are you planning your death around 2100, I would say.

2100?

I'd be 121.

Yeah, that's we're going to live to be ages because we're...

uh such healthy lads you with your uh do you know what i've seen so many people of our age on instagram advertising supplements.

And I was like, I don't have any supplements, David.

I'm not eating any supplements.

I'm not brought to you by supplements.

And I was thinking maybe I should get some supplements.

I'd be a good advert because I would literally go,

I thought they're all bullshit.

And now I have this supplement and I'm not as tired as I was.

Or rather, people are like, how have you guys managed to do this podcast for over a hundred years?

And we'd be like, because we never took supplements.

You know, all these other people saw the doctors recommending camel cigarettes ads in the 1950s and started smoking 60 a day.

We never touched a flax seed, and that's why we're absolutely grand today.

Although, I do put that in my yogurt, me too.

I had chia seeds at flex seeds.

Okay, great.

See ya.

Bye, everyone.