Funn Fragments: Graveyard Shift

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

Georgie lends a hand in

Graveyard Shift by Sarah Shackett.

Roger!

Antigone!

Well, the shop hasn't burnt down, so it's not that kind of emergency.

Evening, Madeline.

You're up late.

Did Rudyard say what was going on?

The mortuary, but he's not meant to be down there.

Hey, sir, you've not locked all the stamps in a coffin again, have ya?

It's really not worth the hassle.

You can always ask Madeline to lend you one.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Keep your voice down, Georgie.

Because this is a silent emergency.

Just come here, quickly.

She could be anywhere.

She.

and Igone.

She went off to draw over that unnecessary public disturbance of lights and colours.

But she could be back at any moment.

Do you mean she went to the movies?

Shh.

Whatever you want to call it.

The fact I haven't seen her come back means nothing.

She attracts shadows like a magnet.

If you're so worried, why'd you come down here in the first place?

I had to be here.

It's Professor Carbuncle's funeral in the morning.

Her final demand was that I'd sit with her body the night before and listen to her final lecture series.

What is it?

Twelve hours about the constellations you can see in the sky for each month of the year.

Her instructions were: I quote, play the correct one for the month I died in, and maybe in one or two of the others.

November is rather spicy.

So, is the emergency that you've been learning something?

No.

The emergency is.

Well, it's.

Oh my gosh.

What the hell happened here?

I just made a cup of coffee and it went a bit wrong.

Went a bit wrong?

Sir, you've dissolved Professor Carbuncle.

Now look here, George.

It's hard to look anywhere else.

Clearly the professor is in a state of disrepair.

But I refuse to believe that the situation is unsalvageable.

It merely calls for some calm, discreet...

Reconstructive surgery.

I mean you see the problem.

Oh, I see several problems in the face alone, like how at the moment it seems to be more a kettle than a face.

You nicked that from the council, didn't you?

See, this is exactly what I called you for.

You're great at.

Oh, what?

No.

Really?

What is this skill in this particular situation that you think I can bring to help you with this predicament?

I am genuinely curious.

You're great at not telling Antigone that I ruined a body she's been preserving all week.

Okay, fair.

I am great at that kind of thing.

I've had a lot of practice.

I tried to make it better,

but it's just gone.

squishy.

Ugh, just stop.

How could one cup of coffee lead to this?

It's hardly my fault if Antigone doesn't label which jar in the freezer down here has milk and which one is full of acid.

Antigone labels everything, especially acid.

Well, her handwriting could be clearer.

Look at

these.

You didn't stop to read the label, you just picked up a jar of acid, didn't you?

And it sort of fizzed when I opened it, which was very disorienting, and I flung it away on instinct.

My well-honed survival instincts.

The only thing well-honed about this situation is the ribs sticking out of her right knee.

Georgie, this is serious.

I know it's flipping serious.

What about the kettle?

How did that get in there?

I thought if I poured some coffee over it, it might counteract the acid.

You what?

That's mental.

Yes, I know that now.

Yeah, all right.

All right.

And Diganey will murder me for this.

And she's had years to think about how.

I bet it involves a vacuum cleaner.

You might call a cleaner.

That's not funny.

Please, Georgie.

Contrary to the general public perception of me, I do know where the line is.

Yeah?

It's right where the professor's torso used to be.

Exactly.

So, could you.

Could you not.

What?

Make fun of a body you've turned into a Tiramasu?

Yes.

That.

You really are nervous about this, aren't you?

I.

Yes.

I don't understand how she does it.

Being down here with these things all the time.

In the quiet.

You love quiet.

You could have been down here doing paperwork all night or counting the ceiling tiles.

Anything.

Ceiling tiles?

What do you think we're made of, money?

Well, it's not just the quiet, is it?

It's.

it's that

the professor.

The body.

I don't get it.

You're around bodies all the time.

Yeah, I am.

Yes.

When we're putting them into the ground.

When they're all prepared, looking at their best in their coffins.

After Antigone does what she does.

She's good at all that.

Yes, I know.

I know.

But when you've nothing to do for an evening except actually stare death in the face, it's hard not to

feel like you're next somehow.

Do you ever feel like you can catch it?

What?

Death.

Obviously, that's not how it works, but still.

Feeling doesn't help when you're trying to clean up.

Well,

everything.

If you see what I mean.

Well,

I'm great at cleaning up, sir.

You mean you'll help me with this?

Yeah.

Yeah, go on then.

And you won't tell Antigone.

Tell me what?

Yeah!

Antigone!

Where the hell did you come from?

Oh, the most incredible experience.

Les jour de catassan conversation avec mêpri.

It was five and a half hours about the artistic legacy of Jean Vigot in a single continuous shot, and every single moment was magical and deeply distressing.

Don't you ever just want to watch a good rom-com?

No.

What are you both doing down here anyway?

Ah,

well.

Roger,

what's the matter?

Why can I smell fear?

Well, I.

I.

What do you have to understand?

Rudyard doesn't know much about astronomy, so he wanted me to explain the professor's lectures to him.

He's a bit embarrassed.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Nan used to teach me all about the stars.

And I needed a break from just me and Timmy in the house, so I thought I'd swing by and keep Rudyard company.

Right.

And what have you learned about the constellations?

Ah, well.

November is spicy.

I see.

Well, I'd say it with you, but I'm saying we're not for the film.

I need to sit with this for a few days.

Make sure Roger doesn't touch anything, Georgie.

Hey!

You got it!

Thank you, Georgia.

It's all right.

But we've got a long night ahead of us.

I'm gonna need a fishing line, chewing gum, and lots of Play-Doh.

Oh, and Rudyard?

Yes.

You couldn't fix us a coffee, could you?

Graveyard Shift was written by Sarah Shackert and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone and Kira Baxendale as Georgie, with additional voices by Holly Campbell.

The script was edited by David K.

Barnes and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell.

Music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Coach House Studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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