Funn Fragments: Autumn Cleaning

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Fun fragments of wooden overcoats.

Antigone struggles to let go in Autumn Cleaning by Gabrielle Watts.

No,

no,

no.

Don't need that.

Don't need that.

They definitely don't need that.

Georgia!

Ah!

For God's sake, Antigone, you gave me a heart attack.

Wait, why were you screaming?

Because you were screaming.

It's frightening.

Don't do it again or you're sacked.

You're the one bursting through the trapdoor.

Well, you're the one in the attic, scuttling about and making a racket.

I can hear it all the way from the mortuary.

Sorry about that.

There isn't a lot of space to move up here.

You shouldn't be up here at all.

How many times have we told you that the attic is off limits?

Yeah, I know that.

So why are you broken the rules?

To be honest, I thought you were hiding something I wasn't meant to find.

Like a body.

That's literally the one thing you'd expect to find in the funeral home, Georgie.

Which makes it the perfect place to hide one.

I'm on to you.

No, you're not.

Now stop messing around and tell me what you're really doing up here.

Okay.

So when I couldn't find the hidden body.

There's no hidden body.

I decided I ought to do a spring clean.

In October.

All right.

It's an autumn clean.

Stop splitting hairs.

I'll split hairs if I want to.

It's my attic and you've no right to be up here.

Antigone, look at this place.

You two have enough crap in here to sink a battleship.

You should have a clear-out.

And what if we don't want to clear out?

Well, can you think of a reason to keep a collection of regional bottle variants?

No.

Or a barrel of monkey with no monkeys.

No.

How about the antiques roadshow on Betamax?

No.

Right then.

Hand me a bin bag and let's get cleaning.

Now stop right there.

These things may be worthless, but they're too valuable to throw away.

It's broken, it's chucked, and if it isn't, it's going to the Reverend.

He can donate them to worthy causes.

Though where he's gonna put Frank and Teddy, I don't wanna know.

Dr.

Bear is a family heirloom.

You can't give him away.

Antigone, it's possessed.

You're my best friend.

What's wrong with that?

Let's bury the deadloom.

I'll rest my curse.

He was very supportive in my early years.

Okay, you can keep the moldy old bear, but we have to get rid of something.

All right, all right.

But I'm gonna supervise.

Will you actually let me get rid of anything like

an old Ouija board?

No.

You don't believe in ghosts.

But what if they believe in me?

Okay, then.

What about these old jam jars?

They've got something inside them.

Oh my god, these are animals.

And beautifully embalmed, don't you think?

Considering they're my first.

Our father wouldn't let me practice on people, so I had to work on whatever I could find.

A rat, a sparrow, two pigeons.

And an earthworm.

He was challenging.

And this is.

It's a cat, isn't it?

Oh!

That's Sylvester.

He had a very dignified funeral.

And then you you stuffed him, yes.

Oh,

he's still soft.

Go on, you stroke him.

No.

I guess we're not getting rid of him.

You can't ask someone to throw away their cat.

Okay.

These should be easy, though.

Three notebooks, only half full.

I think you'll find they're still half empty.

Now put them down.

Hang on, these are diaries.

From way back.

When I was at school, and they are not diaries, they're scientific logs.

November 5th.

Jamie spoke to me today.

I ignored him.

Why are those above the eyes?

Well, they're hearts, obviously.

They don't look like hearts.

They're not cartoons, they're anatomically correct.

And you'll be keeping these?

Of course I will.

If you're so keen to get rid of something, then take the accordion.

You played an accordion?

No, it's Rogers.

He went through a musical phase at school, kept going on about bands.

Oh, he wanted to be in a band.

No, he wanted to be a band, like Dick Van Dyke and Mary Poppins.

Except Roger thought he could do it better.

He's not bad on a mandolin.

He's terrible on everything else, so throw it away.

And while you're at it, you can have his chest set, pirate ship, dinosaur, and Thunderbird 3.

And take this football too, it's never been used.

Antigone, we can't just take all of Rudyard's stuff.

We need to throw out half the junk in here, just to cross from one side to the other without killing ourselves.

Well, half the stuff is his, so throw it out and you've achieved your goal.

That's not fair.

You've got to make concessions.

I don't see why.

He doesn't come up here.

He'd never noticed.

You never come up here either.

Well, I have now, and you're not getting rid of my things.

And I can prove to you that Roger's clutter is worse than mine.

Oh, really?

Yes!

Go on then.

Prove it.

What God, what is it?

Suet pudding.

He made it for Mother 24 years ago.

She didn't want it, but he refused to throw it out, just in case she changed her mind.

Okay, point taken.

Pass me the accordion.

Take it!

Georgie!

Where are you?

We're upstairs!

Shh!

Georgie!

He won't find us if we keep quiet.

If the Reverend calls, I don't live here anymore, and it wasn't my fault anyway!

Antigone!

We'll wait till it's dark and dispose of his things.

You mean we're not gonna tell him?

Of course we aren't.

He'd only try and keep it all.

What does he know about autumn cleaning?

Antigone!

What's that?

Claydoll.

Wanna play?

Yes, why not?

Autumn Cleaning was written by Gabrielle Watts and was performed by Beth Eyre as Antigone, Kira Baxendale as Georgie, and Felix Trench as Rudyard, with additional voices by Tom Crowley.

The script was edited by David K.

Barnes and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell.

Music composed by James Whittle.

The programme was recorded at the Coach House Studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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