Season 2 Episode 8: There Ought to be Clowns

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Radyad Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Pifling Vale.

He used to run it by himself.

He doesn't anymore.

The future of fun funerals hangs in the balance and Radhiad doesn't even know.

Whilst he's laid up with a broken foot, Antigone's been offered a deal with the devil, their competitor, Eric Chapman.

Wooden Overcoats by David K.

Barnes, Series 2, Episode 8.

There ought to be clowns.

It had been a glorious night at the circus of daring-do and magic tricks, of acrobats and clowns.

I'd been there myself, nibbling on discarded peanuts and keeping a very low profile.

A.

I didn't want to frighten the elephants.

And B, I did want to keep an eye on Eric Chapman and Antigone Fun.

Sometimes you can't beat good old-fashioned live entertainment, can you?

Indeed.

I mean, sure, the knife-thrower should have been trying to avoid her target, and the enormous build-up to the bearded man was unjustified.

But all told, that wasn't a bad evening at all.

In that case, did you

enjoy yourself?

I'm serious.

What about you?

Did it live up to the memories?

Oh, um, yes.

Just about.

I didn't expect the Lion Tamer to get his arm bitten off.

Not by the trapeze artist, no.

It was the clowns that mattered.

They were just as funny as I remembered.

Strange?

You didn't laugh?

Didn't I?

I thought you had a panic attack.

That's how I laugh.

Uh-huh.

How about your old favourite?

Bijou.

Wasn't she incredible?

I'll say.

Six hose pipes down the trousers, and she still managed to throw that pie at my face with pinpoint accuracy.

All these years, she hasn't changed.

Still bringing with the confidence I'll never have and always wanted.

Well, now's your chance to let her know.

Look over there.

Bijou.

You can finally tell her how much she's meant to you.

Oh, I can't do that.

She's so funny and confident, and I'm so antigone fun.

She'll be thrilled.

Because I panic and eat her.

You.

What?

It'll be fine.

Stop worrying and talk to the clown.

I know.

I.

No, no, you're right.

What's there to be afraid of?

What she can do is squirt you in the face.

It is quite fine.

Antigone?

Yes, yes, I'm going.

You won't run away.

Sorry?

Nothing.

We're here.

Excuse me.

Yes.

You're Bijou.

Yes?

I was watching the act.

What?

J just now?

I was watching you and I am.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Sometimes.

Sometimes it's awful.

I mean, it was, wasn't it?

Wasn't it?

I mean...

Wasn't it?

Well, I think so.

Anyway, do you know?

I...

I liked it very much.

Oh, you should ask for a refund.

Refund.

Really?

You liked the act?

Yes.

Oh, I was so sure it was the worst thing ever.

I remember now.

Weren't you having a seizure in the front row?

I was enjoying the act.

How extraordinary.

So, you liked the show?

Especially you.

Oh.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that really does mean a lot.

Do you mind if we use the first names?

Well, certainly.

Good.

What's yours?

Antigone.

Antigone?

Oh, that's an odd name, isn't it?

I'm Bijou.

Yes, I know.

Like we've known each other all our lives.

We have done.

Have we?

At least I've known you all my life.

All your life?

I see.

Shall we sit?

Um, on what?

Exactly.

There's nothing there.

We'll have to stand.

Antigone, please, tell me about yourself.

I would love to know.

Well, I

went to the circus when I was six, and I saw you, and I thought you were really, oh, really quite...

Oh, it's all coming back to me.

Wonderful.

Oh, really?

I was wonderful?

And I kept wanting to come back because I wanted to be you, except I knew I never could be.

Well, just as well for both of us that you're not, isn't it?

Would you like to smell a flower?

Are you going to squirt me with it?

No!

Scuttle!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's a compulsion.

So, you stopped all those years ago, coming to the circus.

Yes.

Oh,

what a pity.

I was young and scared of everything.

I hid in a mortuary for 17 years.

Really?

Gosh.

I've been hidden here for 56.

Do you like it?

Do I?

It's all I know.

Though, yes, I.

I think you can say I.

Except.

It shows.

It's never quite as, um,

then again, my memory is not, um.

Antigone?

Yes.

Why would a lovely young lady like you want to be a silly old thing like me?

Because

you're you.

Out there.

In front of other people.

And that

means something to you?

Other people are all there is.

Rubbish!

Other people can get on with their own lives.

You.

You're the most important person on this planet.

And so am I.

Remember that?

You will remember, won't you?

Please tell me you'll remember that.

I.

Yes, yes, I will.

I'm tired.

Bedtime.

You don't mind if I just

slink away, do you?

I.

never

I never liked goodbyes.

I don't mind.

Thank you.

Oh,

Antigone.

Yes.

Thank you.

Oh,

thank you for coming back.

Well,

you two seem to get on.

How was she?

Antigone?

Anything wrong?

Sorry.

No, I'm fine.

I

think we should go home.

Oh, sure.

Shall we?

Oh,

nearly forgot.

I said I nearly forgot.

Hm?

Forgot what?

The offer.

My offer to you.

More proposition, I think.

Uh, yes.

No, you're right.

Wrong word.

So.

So.

Have you thought about it?

Uh

here and there.

Okay.

Is that a I like the idea, but I've got to consider the practicalities, or more definitely not, how do I tell him?

Or it's um

in my head.

I see.

I'm not trying to be evasive, I'm just being evasive.

Look, do you really

actually think it could work?

Yes.

That's it, just yes.

Afraid so?

Well, I'd have to leave everything behind.

My home, my mortuary, my fluids.

You can bring some of those things with you.

How could either of us look him in the eye?

Who?

Oh, Rudyard.

Of course, Rudyard.

It's a family business.

Fifteenth century, that means something, doesn't it?

If you want it to, yes.

Still, well, you know my proposition.

Just give it a ponder.

And if you fancy it,

I'm just over there.

Then I'm just over there.

Yep?

Yes.

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm just laughing.

Why?

I don't know.

I've um

had a

really quite um

nice

evening.

Oh, yes.

Great fun.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, I ought to be.

Oh, sorry.

No, you first.

I ought to be getting to bed.

I'll see you later.

Oh.

Long day tomorrow.

Thanks for taking the evening off.

Oh.

Yes, I'll.

Yes.

See you.

Sleep well.

You too.

Enjoy yourself.

The next morning found funeral director Ruddyard Fun in the same place he'd been all week, lying in bed with his foot in plaster and being a source of irritation to everyone around him.

Georgie!

Ready for my breakfast?

Georgie!

Hello down there, Madeline.

Sleep well?

Georgie!

What is it?

I'd like my breakfast now, please.

I'm doing it.

Edgland's soldiers pipe down.

Actually, I think I'm in the mood for sausage and beans this morning.

Well, you've got Edgar's soldiers.

Well, I still pay your wages occasionally, and I'd prefer sausage and beans.

Fine.

I'll chuck the eggs.

Oh, no, bring them in.

Madeline enjoys them.

And for now, I'll have my cereal with chocolate milk.

Yes, sir.

Ooh, ooh, and my special spoon.

With the Space Man.

Space Ranger.

Can I ask?

Do you think you'll be getting up today?

Oh, I doubt it.

Mustn't rush these things.

Lest we forget, I do have a broken foot after all.

Would you like another one?

No, just a cereal, please.

Oh, Madeline, I don't think Antigone was in last night.

You don't happen to know where she went.

You hesitated.

Yes, you did.

You hes- Don't interrupt!

That's all right.

But you did, you hesitated.

It's just she seems so

odd this week.

Evasive.

Like she's hiding something from me.

So she did go out?

Where to?

Was she with anyone?

Why'd you stay in?

Which film?

Leslie Phillips.

Yep, seen that one.

Roger.

It's her.

Don't say anything.

Act natural.

Enter!

So, are you going to be useless for another day or not?

Antigone, a broken foot doesn't mend overnight.

It'll take six weeks at least.

You can still help out around the place.

Dr.

Edgware told me to stay in bed and avoid stress.

Dr.

Edgware sleeps for no more than half an hour each night.

Do you really trust his judgment?

If he keeps me in bed all day, then yes.

Here's your cereal, sir.

And before you ask for it, a glass of orange juice.

This orange juice has bits in it.

I'll spoon them out.

No!

For heaven's sake!

You're meant to be running a business, not consuming us out of house and home.

I need rest and relaxation.

And if I'd known the only way to get any was breaking my foot in a mine disaster, I'd have done it years ago.

Now put the radio on.

I'm gonna miss my program.

Did you suffer an accident at work that wasn't your fault?

Did you suffer an accident at work that was your fault?

Call me, Reverend Wavering, and for a cool 10%,

I'll help you get the compensation you may, or may not, deserve.

And remember, I may know nothing about the law, but nor does anyone else.

Best deal I ever made.

Could somebody fluff my pillows?

You're listening to Jennifer Delacroix, Pifflin FM.

Today's top stories.

Ever since our coverage of Pifflin's first press conference, our listenership has continued to grow and may reach double figures by the end of the month.

Big, big thanks to Rudyard Fun.

Hope you recover from your accident.

And where's my 10%, you twister?

They'd make me come over there and beat it out of you.

Thank you, Reverend.

I think that'll do for today.

Turn this off, Georgie.

This just in.

Our very first breaking news story.

Look, Georgie, wait.

We don't have

full details yet, but it seems that there was a tragic accident last night at the Pifflane Travelling Circus.

What?

The wreckage of a car has been discovered having crashed into a tree not far from the main site.

One fatality has been confirmed.

The driver.

Bijou, the clown.

Didn't we see her years ago?

Shhh, shut up, shut up.

Death would have been instantaneous.

God, breaking news is depressing.

I'm not doing this again.

Antigone, are you all right?

Oh, we've had an update.

Authorities at the site have requested the presence of Mr.

Eric Chapman.

Eric Chapman, if you're listening, Piffly needs your help.

We've got to get to that circus.

Come on, Georgie.

I want my sausages.

Damn your sausages, Roger.

I'm not letting Chapman get his beautiful hands on this one.

What?

You heard me.

Come on, Georgie.

See you, sir.

But I'm but.

Oh, well.

Just you and me, Madeline.

Madeline?

I didn't like to leave him behind, but I knew the action was at that circus.

Antigone and Georgie tumbled into the square and caught sight of Eric Chapman just a few meters ahead of them.

Look, there he is.

Shall I tackle him again or shall I?

No, I can do it.

No!

You can't go to the circus!

What?

The bloody hole!

You can't go!

Not today.

You're not going.

What?

You hear me?

She's mine.

Antigone, what's wrong with you?

Time out, Antigone.

Time out.

Come on.

Yes!

Ow!

Can you stop hitting me?

Calm down.

Let go!

I need my arms to hit things.

You and your brother are determined to run every suit I own, aren't you?

Look at him.

I don't care about him.

Okay, look, look, look, look.

The circus.

Yes, the circus, I know.

They've just called me.

They've asked me to go in.

I'm sorry, but you can't.

I'm going.

But Antigone, you know what's happened there?

Yes.

It's a real tragedy, and I don't know if you're up to it.

Oh, thank you, for letting me decide for myself what I'm optimistic in trying to do.

Antigone, I really have to warn you on this one.

Eric!

Yes.

I'm going.

You don't get it, do you?

Hey, Eric.

Do us a favour, eh?

Aye.

Sure.

Okay.

I won't go.

Thank you.

Bye.

But if you need my help, Antigone!

Antigone!

Antigone had no time to waste.

She sped onwards, like a jet-propelled pipe cleaner wearing a dress.

And Georgie and I struggled to catch up.

When we arrived at the big top, we found a circus in chaos and mourning.

Even the elephants were crying.

Right, we need to find someone in authority.

Excuse me, bearded man.

Yes?

Could you direct us to.

Oh, God,

it's just awful

Yes, I know

This is no good they're all too distraught.

Yeah, what about her in the top hat and the big boots?

Of course the ringmistress She's exactly who we need to speak to big fan of the wits Joji

we approached her maleficent majesty Marlena Magdalena Allegedly of Slovakian extraction Marlena had come to Pifling 12 years ago to study macroeconomic theory and circus skills.

She'd usurped the Piffling circus from its former master and now ruled it with an iron fist.

Grieve, everybody.

Grieve!

You call that grieving?

Let the whole world

Marlena was puffing on a desultory fag while sat on her favorite throne, which in turn was held aloft by her favorite strongman.

Antigone slipped in between a couple of jugglers and made her appeal.

Uh

uh hello?

Excuse me?

What was that?

I think a gnat just buzzed in my ear.

Oi!

Snootsy down here!

Visitors!

Intruding on our private private mourning!

I would have you thrown to the lions if they weren't so depressed.

But we're the undertakers!

Are you indeed?

Put me down, Patrick.

Yes, Your Majesty.

There.

Now we can speak

eye to eye.

Yes, right.

Where is the one they call Chapman?

Well, he's not coming.

You see, I wanted to do myself, so.

How dare you?

I won't lie.

That's pretty hard.

There is only one on this island who can provide a service befitting the height of our tragedy.

I'm as capable as anyone.

Do you even serve the one they call Chapman?

She works at fun funerals, Your Majesty.

Fun funerals?

Ha!

I'm too angry to laugh.

You think I turn over our dead to you?

The tears, they roll from my face.

Yes, thank you.

I know we've not got exactly the best reputation around here, but really.

Why is she still talking to me?

Get them out.

Come on, time!

Come on!

Because I can provide the finest funeral you've ever seen in your life.

Your Majesty, she did do the funeral of Roger Noggins.

It was pretty damn good.

They had a magician.

So what?

I got magicians coming out of my arse.

That may be true, though it probably isn't.

But this woman is the best mortician in a one-mile radius.

Damn it, yes, I am.

This funeral deserves the highest level of dedication and care, and I owe it to Bijou to see that she gets it.

That's the only reason I'm here.

Ha!

Give me one good reason why I should not have you thrown to my trapeze artist!

Because fan funerals will carry out the service by tomorrow, free of charge.

Really?

Yes.

The whole thing?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes.

craze!

You have yourself a bargain.

Though how you'll manage it in 24 hours, I cannot conceive.

It shouldn't be too difficult.

We shall see.

Take her away!

Give her every assistance.

Thank you.

Yes, I'm pig.

Before I go.

Yes, what is it?

If you want to go out some time, I'll stay in some time.

Georgie,

give us a ring.

Bye.

A few hours later, Radiard was waking up from a relaxing nap.

Hmm, what time is it?

Three o'clock?

Somebody should have brought me lunch hours ago.

Georgie!

Georgie!

Antigone!

Anybody?

Ah, Madeline.

Where's Antigone?

Is she in?

Then why isn't she bringing me some lunch?

Come on, come on, come on.

So you went to the circus with them.

Did Antigone get the funeral?

Oh, well done, Her.

Simple job, is it?

You hesitated again.

What's going on here?

For the love of

my own lunch, shall I?

Only a severely ill man.

What's the worst that could happen?

If I drop down dead, well, she'll just inherit the whole business.

Joe's on her.

In my will, I've left everything to Bill.

That'll settle her hash.

Ow.

Okay, here we are.

Let us venture into this brave new world that has such terrors in it.

What was that?

Nope, definitely happened.

There's a dead clown in the corridor.

Yes, there is.

I'm standing on him.

Oh, now you see him.

Sure.

Antigone!

George A.

I know you- Oh, what's the point?

Better sweep him up, I suppose.

Just because I'm ill, that's no reason why standard should slip.

I'll get the broom.

Madeline,

there's a dead clown in the cupboard.

And another one.

And two more.

Yes, I think surprised is a fair word to use, Madeline.

Also perplexed, concerned, incensed, antagonist.

Yes.

Let's take this in order, shall we?

I wasn't woken up.

I haven't been brought my lunch, and there are dead clowns all over the house.

Care to explain why?

I, yes.

Well,

we didn't wake you up because we were busy with the clowns.

Stuffing them into cups.

Yes, and we didn't make you lunch because we were still busy with the clowns.

Good.

Well, we've been quite comprehensive so far, so how about we go for the million-dollar question and tell me why you should be busy with dead clowns in the first place?

That's

rather more difficult to answer.

How about we go into the kitchen?

There's another five there.

Why?

What?

Why?

Oh, why, why, yes.

Well, uh, you see, I went to the circus so I could sort out Buigi's funeral.

And I spoke to the ringmistress,

and we got talking.

I told her that fun funerals wanted to do the whole service,

and she seemed happy with that, so um

when Bijou crashed her car, was she the only one inside it?

No, were the others all killed as well?

Yes, have you accidentally agreed to do a funeral for not just a clown, but a number of clowns?

Yes, how many?

How many clowns?

Forty.

Sorry?

Forty?

Forty.

Forty dead clowns, yes.

When's the funeral?

Tomorrow.

And how much have we been paid for all this?

And tickets?

Nothing.

What?

They said I do it all free of charge, so we're getting nothing at all in terms of money or anything.

Roger.

Roger, I know it looks bad, but I promise you, George and I will stay up all night to get it right and I'll never go to the circus again.

Brudgeard?

Oh dear.

Georgie!

Is he crying?

Uh, only on the inside.

Okay, sir.

Let's get you back to bed, eh?

Would you like that, sir?

Of course you would.

And we can get you some nice food and a cup of hot water.

Strong.

Just as you like it.

And when you're up, watch that clown.

When you wake up tomorrow, all the dead clowns will simply have gone away.

Yes, well, yes.

It says look bad, I'll grant that.

But we can get through it.

Yes, can't we?

Hey, Madeline.

At least we always know how he's feeling.

Georgie, look me in the eye.

Am I an idiot?

No.

Actually, yeah.

Sorry, yeah, you are.

Better get back to it, I suppose.

One embalmed, thirty-nine to go.

Do you think we should tell Roger not to look under his bed?

Don't think it matters now, really.

Knowing that the task ahead would require all of Fun Funeral's resources, Georgie arranged a temporary substitute to take her place at the mayor's office.

I'm sure I'll get round to it.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, Antigone and Georgie had descended into the mortuary.

They remained there for hours upon hours, working flat out to embalm 40 clowns and prepare 40 clown coffins.

But the enormity of their task was.

overwhelming.

God's sake, can't you embalm any faster?

It's just a couple of clowns.

What's the matter with you?

Right, there's another one done.

Switch him out, bug a new one in.

Hang on.

It's the 15th coffee.

Faster, faster.

Okay, let's pick him up.

Now, help me connect on the next one.

Antigone, I seriously need some coffee.

No, I'm not even halfway.

Every row turned, the glassy, accusing eye of a clown glares back at us.

We've got to keep going.

But we're running out of wood.

I can't build any coffee.

Yes, you can.

Rip the floorboards up, use the doors, use anything.

Georgie, we've got to do something I've never done before.

What's that?

We've got to believe in ourselves, Georgie.

You see, we've got to, because otherwise we.

We.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're heat there.

Go ahead and go hidden.

Now can we make some coffee?

Why

is

life?

Why is life what?

I know that was it, just why is life?

Look.

Let's switch the radio on.

Find some soothing music or something.

I hate music.

I hate soothing.

We're putting it on.

Okay.

And we've called the mayor's office for a statement, but for some reason, we can't get through.

For the moment, looks like those ducks aren't going off that merry-ground anytime soon.

In other news, a mysterious mystery at Fun Funeral.

It seems that nobody has set eyes on funereal siblings Rudyard and Antigone Fun, nor their plucky young assistant Georgie Crusoe, in over three days.

Rumour has it that they're preparing the clown car catastrophe caper funeral, but there's no sign of life at the funeral home, ironically, or not.

And Marlena Magdalena of the Pithlin Travelling Circus is very much on the war path.

She's terrifying.

Three

days.

We must have totally lost track of time.

No wonder we're knackered.

But

that means we missed our deadline days ago.

What the hell's Marlena going to say about this?

Hold me, Georgie.

Hold your own, Georgie.

I have come here to discuss a funeral I do not mind whose it is

Miss Magdalena I can only offer you my sincere welcome

you can give me the funeral you promised us three whole days ago we're doing the best we can the stairwell is blocked with decomposing clowns I heard a man crying in his bedroom as I passed he just wants sausages and beans he's easily placated

okay that still does it for me.

But it's gonna make conversation very hard if you keep doing it.

I have had enough of this.

Give me my clowns.

But we're using them.

Give me the clowns, I say.

No, go away.

I shall take them to the man I requested in the first place.

We'll give you a discount.

No, no, that's impossible.

Um, a free gift.

Yes, take something, anything.

Take me.

Not Georgie, I need her.

But please, I've got to do this funeral.

I spoke to Biji the night before she died, and I gave her my word.

Well, no, I didn't, because I didn't know she'd die.

But if I had, then I would have.

No, I didn't.

But if I had, I'd have done it, so please, let me do this funeral for her.

You're mad.

But also, crucially, nearly halfway done.

So you might as well leave it with those.

Eh?

Hmm.

It will be tomorrow.

In the morning.

At nine o'clock.

If you are late, I shall feed you to my elephant.

Ha!

Don't worry, she can't do that.

There's a law against it.

We passed it last week.

Tomorrow morning.

It can't be done, can it?

I mean,

I think we'll need a miracle, and there's only one man on the island with that kind of luck.

I'm gonna check in on Woodyard.

So, how are you adjusting to your new life together?

Oh, getting by.

Getting by.

Are we, Bill?

Yeah.

As Tanya says, getting by.

Just the main thing is just

not having him around anymore.

Because Jerry was always there, wasn't he?

Always there.

The three of us.

Always there.

Oh, God.

Well, I've got another side of questions for you, so we'll give you a sec to compose yourselves.

In the meantime, here's that message again for a certain someone in case she hasn't heard it yet.

Antigone.

I know why you're doing this and I know how much it means to you.

Believe me, I'd never try and take this away from you.

All I'm saying, no,

begging you is to let me help you in any way I can.

You can't do this alone, Antigone.

You can't do this alone.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

What, shut up, hello?

Was that Eric on the radio?

No.

Sounds like him.

It was Dead Ringers.

All right.

Rudyard's in a pretty bad way.

I think he's got a fever.

I've given him some tablets, but he really should see a doctor.

Rudyard can wait.

The clowns can't.

Only another 25 to do before morning.

But no matter how hard they tried, the mountain of work grew higher and higher.

I hadn't seen such despair on Antigone's face since the days of my original Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse.

Three stars from the Guardian, read like a four.

Things were getting desperate.

Antigone,

Antigone, can I come down?

Yes.

It's three o'clock in the morning.

You need to sleep.

Can't.

Too much work.

Too many clowns.

They're uh

beginning to rot.

The smell.

I know.

When's the deadline?

Six hours.

You'll have to ask for more time.

I've had more time.

Still feeling a bit hot.

I have my head spinning.

Roger.

Yes.

I've taken my shoes off.

Why?

I'm drunk.

Oh.

Have some methanol.

No, thank you.

Are you okay?

Yes.

George is resting.

I'm keeping watch.

In half an hour, we'll embalm some more clowns together.

The funeral's in six hours.

Yes, you told me.

Um, Antigone.

I don't think you'll make it.

I've got to for Bijou.

Have you embalmed her yet?

I can't remember.

We don't have the resources for this.

No.

The embalming machine has stopped.

We haven't the fuel to cremate them.

We haven't any more wood to make coffins.

Yes, I saw my bedroom door had gone.

And my bedside table.

And my bed.

I don't really have a room anymore.

And yet it's still not enough.

Not nearly enough.

So we can't get the bodies in the coffins in the.

You know the worst thing about it all?

I've let her down.

I bet Chapman would have found a way.

Chapman.

He's probably across the road now.

Cackling away to himself, eating a truffle.

Maybe two.

Chapman.

He's destroyed us at last.

Perfect revenge for what I did.

Or was it because we existed in the first place?

Chapman, Roger, you're absolutely right.

He can help us.

Ask for his help.

Never.

If we're getting destroyed, we're getting destroyed with dignity.

I want my slippers.

We don't need to ask him for help.

In fact, we can make him help us without him even knowing.

You're rambling, Antigone.

And there are two of us.

It's a question of resources.

Really, very fine.

There's no time to waste.

We've got to get to Chapman's.

Come on.

I'm not going there.

Stop being difficult.

It's three in the the morning.

I've got a broken foot.

I'm tired and sick, and I want my slippers.

You can't make me go.

I'll fill your life with spiders.

I'm a sick man.

Let's go, Regard.

I don't know what's happening.

No!

Georgie!

Out into the inanimate night staggered the exhausted Antigone, dragging her brother behind her.

They shambled across the square, unseen by human eyes.

Antigone had devised a simple plan to break into Chapman's and to procure whatever she needed.

The interior of Chapman's funeral home was entirely still and entirely silent.

It was clear to me that if Antigone was to gain entry unannounced, she required a crafty plan indeed.

Right, in again.

Stop crying.

I haven't got much time.

Why are we here?

For supplies.

Grab anything that looks useful.

We could keep pens in it.

No!

We'd need things for the funeral: tools, wood, embalming fluids, anything.

This is a terrible plan.

You mean a terrific plan, that's what you mean.

Easy mistake, the words are very similar.

Wait, did you hear that?

Hello?

Chapman.

You must have heard the smashing glass.

Cunning swine.

Quick, hide.

Hello?

Hunting.

Is someone there?

I can assure you, this isn't the least bit amusing.

What do we do?

I shall report this.

My job.

Behind us, is that a lift?

Yes, I've seen it.

It's a really nice leaf.

It's alright, I don't care.

Three, two, one.

Hey, you, come on.

Doors opening.

Get in, get in, get in, get in.

Stop right there.

Come on, come on.

Shut your, shut up, shut it, shut.

Doors closing.

Wait a second.

Is that no, it isn't going?

I'm ticking in.

I don't think he's off.

For God's sake.

Doors opening.

Where are we?

I don't know.

I...

just mashed the buttons.

Why does everyone have a secret lair except us?

It looks more like a

laboratory.

All this equipment.

All these machines.

Sorry, Antigone.

I'm really not feeling well.

Roger, there's someone inside this machine.

Look!

You're right.

I think he's dead.

And over here, another body.

Antigone.

What?

What is it?

This one here, it's It's empty.

So?

It's reserved for me.

What?

Look.

Rodger.

What does it mean?

Enjoying yourself.

Yeah.

Shutman.

How did you get here without the lift?

I

took the stairs.

This place has everything.

Look, I really don't want to be a pain, but can you explain what the hell do you think you're doing here?

Can you explain what you're doing with these bodies?

What?

Mr.

Wilde's getting buried on Friday at Lord Sinclair Tuesday week.

I'm keeping their bodies preserved in the freezers till I can work on them.

Standard practice.

Freezers?

Oh, is that what they are?

Yes, you should have them.

Well, why does this one say Rudyard?

It says rhubarb.

Does it?

See, I'm keeping rhubarb.

What for?

To eat it.

Look, for Pete's sake, what's going on?

And why in God's name are you in your dressing gown?

Where are you?

I live here.

Shut up, those of you.

Look at them.

Oh, these freezers.

You could have kept 40 clowns down here at any time.

It'd have been easy for you.

Yes, I know.

Where have you been keeping them?

Oh, you know.

Around the house.

You?

What?

That is incredibly unhygienic.

Yes, I know.

Do you do have any idea what you're doing?

Now, look here, Chapman.

You may have the technology and the rhubarb, but over at fun funerals, we just rely on good old-fashioned efforts to get.

Oh, leave it out, Roger.

Don't you think it took me any effort to build up this place?

Oh, I don't.

You really think that, do you?

Yep.

Then how did I do it?

Magic!

You used magic, and I don't think you really exist.

Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to faint, and I hope it'll be on your conscience.

You're gonna what now?

Roger.

He's

very ill.

Antigone, you've got to let me help.

We can get all the bodies over here in the morning, and between us, we can get it.

We can do this one together, like I said, as partners.

That's not what I want from you.

What do you want from me?

I want you

to hand over all your embalming fluid, your coffins, your freezers, your flowers, and then I'm gonna get into that lift and take you back home, and then

I'm gonna win!

Do you hear me, Chapman?

We'll never give up.

We'll

never.

Antigone!

Wake up, Antigone!

Rudyard!

It had been too much for them.

Their minds were shattered, their bodies wearing a bit thin.

They were soon put under the care of the equally fatigued Dr.

Edgware.

I sat by their hospital beds and answered my fan mail whilst waiting for any signs of their recovery.

Cheers, Madeline.

Georgie?

Where's Roger?

Next bed over.

I've eaten the grapes.

Oh,

what happened?

You collapsed about 18 hours ago.

Couldn't wake you up.

Eric carried you both here in the middle of the night.

Chapman Community Hospital.

Nah, too popular.

You're in the other one.

Where bathing is optional and not recommended.

What time is it?

Late.

What about the funeral?

Eric's taken over.

It'll be on the beach.

He'll be doing it in about half an hour.

I see.

I'm sorry, Bijou.

Oh, never mind, Antigone.

We'll pick ourselves up again like we usually do.

What's the point?

Really, what is the point?

How often can we keep failing and failing?

What is the point?

I think I'll call the doctor over.

What's the verdict, Doctor?

Yes, please tell us.

It's serious, I'm afraid.

You're going to have a baby.

Well, that's wonderful news.

Is it?

Oh, right, congratulations.

Doctor, the both are wait now.

It never ends.

He's coming over.

Good evening, Doctor.

Stop.

What did I tell you?

Stay in bed, avoid stress, and leave me alone.

It's the best prescription I've got.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

And you'll know better.

I think it's time we had a chat, don't you?

Take a seat.

I never touch them.

Right.

Bearing in mind the circumstances of last night, and indeed the past few months, it's my opinion you should see a psychiatrist.

That's it, really?

Yes.

So don't bother.

Just take my advice.

If you think you're about to annoy someone, don't do it.

Well, tell it to chat.

He's always there, succeeding at things.

If you can give us a chapman, Anson.

Look, look, let me identify real professional stress.

Running two hospitals without any staff.

Do you know how old I am?

No.

Neither do I.

Look, at least you don't have to worry about competition on your doorstep.

I'd kill for it.

I look out the window and all I can see is another hospital I meant to be in.

Yes, but I know that.

And your clients only come to you once.

Mine come back to me over and over again.

Most of them sent here by you and one of your bloody funerals.

Well, if you hate it so much, why don't you stop?

More importantly, why don't you?

Well, I

know.

I don't know.

I know, you don't know.

Why does anyone do anything?

I can't prescribe anything for that.

Still,

I should try.

What's your poison?

Aspirin?

Morphine?

Aspirin, thank you.

Wait here.

Don't damage anyone.

It's fun.

Antigone.

This funeral.

Yes.

How much

does it mean to you?

It doesn't anymore.

Georgi, is your moped outside?

Yeah, but what?

Antigone, we're going to reclaim that funeral.

But are you insane?

Like the doctor said, why does anyone do anything?

Why?

Because it matters.

Georgie, will you help us?

It's a stupid idea, so yes.

Antigone?

I...

But...

Now, look here, Antigone.

It's just enough time, but we have to go now.

Yes, I'm with you, Regard.

Yeah, right!

Time to make a getaway!

Didn't have any aspirin, so I brought you some Lego.

Where are you going?

Doctor, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna have to knock you unconscious.

Why?

But I know now.

He's onto us!

Georgie, attack!

Wait!

If you're determined to knock me out, couldn't you just

put me to bed?

Because that would be, you know, if you could just do that for me,

thank you.

Antigoni, Georgie.

Madeline.

Let's get that funeral.

Radyard led our daring escape from the hospital.

Soon, we were clinging onto Georgie's moped for dear life as we sped off towards our destiny at Piffling Beach,

the Lord Jesus was said to have turned water into wine, which was a pretty nifty trick, but wouldn't it have been even niftier if he'd done it whilst flinging himself around on the flying to peas?

I have often asked that question.

Talk about clowns.

Oh, well, I find them a bit scary, actually.

What?

Yes, never mind, Nigel.

I'll take it from here.

Good evening, everyone.

You two.

Now, I know that you all expected this service a few days ago.

Well, you've all been incredibly patient, and I see absolutely no reason why this funeral should be delayed a moment longer.

Stop the funeral!

Sure, why not?

It's us, Chapman!

We want our funeral back.

I don't believe this.

Brad, I suddenly feel very silly.

That's what they want you to think.

No, I really do feel extremely silly.

How dare you!

You, you funds, you shattered the dignity of this service.

Have you no shame?

I should tear you apart.

If you do that,

then you won't have a funeral.

What is that supposed to mean?

I'm not doing it.

They are.

Really?

Them, but they are such idiots.

They might be wearing hospital gowns on a breezy night.

But God help me, I've never known anybody want something quite so much before.

Antigone,

you win.

But

I don't see forty coffins.

How have you done it?

The clowns.

They were all in the car when it crashed.

I just stuffed them back in.

Simple.

Only took half an hour.

We're going to set it alight and push it out to sea.

A spectacle worthy of their genius.

That's very clever.

Yes,

I know.

Care for a light.

Thank you.

We haven't got all night.

Come on, Rohad.

Oh,

but this is really your.

Please.

Oh.

Right, go.

Georgie, can I ask you, am I mad or are they?

To be honest, I'm really the only one who isn't.

Don't push it.

No, fair enough.

Antigone and Radyard approached the funeral pyre,

and

their hands both gripping the flaming torch, they

set it alight.

Goodbye, Bijou.

And the rest of them.

Yes, it's all right.

I know.

Rajad,

I know you're my brother and all.

But in spite of everything,

I am glad you exist.

You two are taken.

Just about.

The raft was pushed out to sea,

the flames licking at the clear night sky.

Brother and sister stood together upon the shores of Pifling

and watched it float away.

There Ought to Be Clowns was written by David K.

Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Hira Baxendale as Georgie, Katie Manning as Bijoux, Emily Stride as Marlena Magdalena, Elana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, David K.

Barnes as Dr.

Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.

Original music composed by James Whittle.

Yes, the ground on time.

We get the body in the coffin.

Get the body in the coffin.

Get

The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Hello there, my name's Andy Goddard.

And I'm John Weakfield.

If you're listening to this, then you have just finished episode eight of Series 2 of Wooden Overcoats, which means that series 2 is sadly over.

It has been a long but brilliant year, which began with us all sitting around a coffee table thinking about what next for Rudyard, Antigone, Georgie, Eric, and the residents of Piffling Vale.

Would they come back?

Which of Madeline's stories should we tell?

And most importantly,

how could we do it?

Well,

we asked you to lend us a hand.

We launched our Kickstarter alongside our very own mini-series, Piffling Lives, focusing on the individual lives of some of our favorite characters from the series.

Hello,

you gave me quite the start.

Good, right.

Um,

I'm having another biscuit

through all of that and all of your generosity, we were able to raise over £10,000 to create a second series for all of you.

Now the teams of writers, musicians and the cast were assembled.

Some familiar voices and some wonderful new additions throughout.

Here's all the bloody dogs what?

Rap!

And we hope you enjoyed yourself.

Seeing your enthusiasm, your artwork, your love of the characters and piffling really does make the show completely worthwhile for all of us here at Wooden Overcoats.

The world of audio content is rapidly changing in terms of how it's created.

And if that wasn't enough, we've also been lucky enough to be nominated for a number of awards, including the Pre-Europa in Berlin, where we and a number of the world's most exciting program makers and podcasters met to talk about the future of radio.

The range and diversity of audio.

Even in the roo-woom, it was, uh, Radiad, I don't like my umbilical cord.

Give me closer to home, of course.

We brought the show to many of you who came down to London and saw us live, packing out the Horse and Stables pub in Waterloo every week, which was just a fabulous sight to see.

And to hear real live reactions to all of those things we'd laboured over in studio was wonderful.

I said those things to you in confidence.

And we are enormously grateful to all of those live show casts, to all of our casts for the series, all of our writers, everyone, as I always say.

But also, to you guys for listening.

As a quick thank you, we've just recorded this little message for you from our live show the other night.

Nice.

Okay, I'm Tom Crowley and thank you.

I'm Kira Baxendale and I say thank you.

I'm Beth Air and thank you very much.

I'm Felix Trench, thank you.

I'm John Wakefield.

Thank you.

I'm Andy Goddard and cheers.

Oh, Northern.

Enjoy yourselves.

Goodbye.

I think that's probably a really lovely way just to leave it on the back of the body.

Sorry, I just punched you.

And you did just punch me.

Yeah.

Christmas.

Not a serious day on.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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