Season 2 Episode 8: There Ought to be Clowns

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Speaker 4 Radyad Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Pifling Vale. He used to run it by himself.
He doesn't anymore. The future of fun funerals hangs in the balance and Radhiad doesn't even know.

Speaker 4 Whilst he's laid up with a broken foot, Antigone's been offered a deal with the devil, their competitor, Eric Chapman.

Speaker 6 Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes, Series 2, Episode 8.

Speaker 6 There ought to be clowns.

Speaker 4 It had been a glorious night at the circus of daring-do and magic tricks, of acrobats and clowns.

Speaker 4 I'd been there myself, nibbling on discarded peanuts and keeping a very low profile.

Speaker 9 A.

Speaker 4 I didn't want to frighten the elephants. And B, I did want to keep an eye on Eric Chapman and Antigone Fun.

Speaker 10 Sometimes you can't beat good old-fashioned live entertainment, can you?

Speaker 11 Indeed.

Speaker 10 I mean, sure, the knife-thrower should have been trying to avoid her target, and the enormous build-up to the bearded man was unjustified. But all told, that wasn't a bad evening at all.

Speaker 13 In that case, did you

Speaker 11 enjoy yourself?

Speaker 10 I'm serious. What about you? Did it live up to the memories?

Speaker 15 Oh, um, yes.

Speaker 11 Just about.

Speaker 16 I didn't expect the Lion Tamer to get his arm bitten off.

Speaker 10 Not by the trapeze artist, no.

Speaker 16 It was the clowns that mattered.

Speaker 17 They were just as funny as I remembered.

Speaker 10 Strange? You didn't laugh? Didn't I? I thought you had a panic attack.

Speaker 14 That's how I laugh. Uh-huh.

Speaker 14 How about your old favourite? Bijou.

Speaker 17 Wasn't she incredible?

Speaker 18 I'll say.

Speaker 10 Six hose pipes down the trousers, and she still managed to throw that pie at my face with pinpoint accuracy.

Speaker 13 All these years, she hasn't changed.

Speaker 11 Still bringing with the confidence I'll never have and always wanted.

Speaker 10 Well, now's your chance to let her know.

Speaker 19 Look over there.

Speaker 10 Bijou. You can finally tell her how much she's meant to you.

Speaker 2 Oh, I can't do that.

Speaker 17 She's so funny and confident, and I'm so antigone fun.

Speaker 3 She'll be thrilled. Because I panic and eat her.
You.

Speaker 19 What?

Speaker 10 It'll be fine. Stop worrying and talk to the clown.

Speaker 21 I know.

Speaker 21 I.

Speaker 11 No, no, you're right. What's there to be afraid of?

Speaker 10 What she can do is squirt you in the face.

Speaker 15 It is quite fine.

Speaker 10 Antigone? Yes, yes, I'm going.

Speaker 22 You won't run away. Sorry?

Speaker 22 Nothing.

Speaker 22 We're here.

Speaker 2 Excuse me. Yes.

Speaker 14 You're Bijou.

Speaker 24 Yes?

Speaker 25 I was watching the act.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 26 J just now? I was watching you and I am.

Speaker 24 Oh my god.

Speaker 27 Oh my god.

Speaker 24 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 14 Sometimes.

Speaker 27 Sometimes it's awful.

Speaker 24 I mean, it was, wasn't it?

Speaker 27 Wasn't it? I mean...

Speaker 24 Wasn't it?

Speaker 27 Well, I think so.

Speaker 26 Anyway, do you know? I...

Speaker 28 I liked it very much.

Speaker 3 Oh, you should ask for a refund.

Speaker 14 Refund.

Speaker 24 Really?

Speaker 24 You liked the act?

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 24 Oh, I was so sure it was the worst thing ever.

Speaker 29 I remember now.

Speaker 26 Weren't you having a seizure in the front row?

Speaker 16 I was enjoying the act.

Speaker 2 How extraordinary.

Speaker 24 So, you liked the show?

Speaker 13 Especially you.

Speaker 31 Oh.

Speaker 24 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 32 Oh, that really does mean a lot.

Speaker 24 Do you mind if we use the first names?

Speaker 32 Well, certainly. Good.
What's yours?

Speaker 33 Antigone.

Speaker 9 Antigone?

Speaker 24 Oh, that's an odd name, isn't it?

Speaker 8 I'm Bijou.

Speaker 28 Yes, I know.

Speaker 8 Like we've known each other all our lives.

Speaker 34 We have done.

Speaker 24 Have we?

Speaker 28 At least I've known you all my life.

Speaker 6 All your life?

Speaker 35 I see.

Speaker 24 Shall we sit?

Speaker 36 Um, on what? Exactly.

Speaker 24 There's nothing there. We'll have to stand.

Speaker 24 Antigone, please, tell me about yourself. I would love to know.

Speaker 24 Well, I

Speaker 26 went to the circus when I was six, and I saw you, and I thought you were really, oh, really quite...

Speaker 37 Oh, it's all coming back to me.

Speaker 27 Wonderful.

Speaker 14 Oh, really?

Speaker 2 I was wonderful?

Speaker 25 And I kept wanting to come back because I wanted to be you, except I knew I never could be.

Speaker 24 Well, just as well for both of us that you're not, isn't it?

Speaker 24 Would you like to smell a flower?

Speaker 11 Are you going to squirt me with it?

Speaker 14 No!

Speaker 21 Scuttle!

Speaker 14 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 8 It's a compulsion.

Speaker 24 So, you stopped all those years ago, coming to the circus.

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 30 Oh,

Speaker 11 what a pity.

Speaker 21 I was young and scared of everything.

Speaker 13 I hid in a mortuary for 17 years.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Gosh.

Speaker 24 I've been hidden here for 56.

Speaker 24 Do you like it? Do I?

Speaker 24 It's all I know.

Speaker 32 Though, yes, I.

Speaker 24 I think you can say I.

Speaker 24 Except.

Speaker 35 It shows.

Speaker 24 It's never quite as, um,

Speaker 41 then again, my memory is not, um.

Speaker 39 Antigone?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 24 Why would a lovely young lady like you want to be a silly old thing like me?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 26 you're you.

Speaker 2 Out there.

Speaker 21 In front of other people.

Speaker 32 And that

Speaker 24 means something to you?

Speaker 37 Other people are all there is.

Speaker 24 Rubbish!

Speaker 32 Other people can get on with their own lives.

Speaker 24 You.

Speaker 24 You're the most important person on this planet.

Speaker 24 And so am I.

Speaker 24 Remember that?

Speaker 24 You will remember, won't you?

Speaker 6 Please tell me you'll remember that.

Speaker 6 I.

Speaker 15 Yes, yes, I will.

Speaker 15 I'm tired.

Speaker 24 Bedtime.

Speaker 24 You don't mind if I just

Speaker 24 slink away, do you?

Speaker 32 I.

Speaker 37 never

Speaker 24 I never liked goodbyes.

Speaker 28 I don't mind.

Speaker 28 Thank you.

Speaker 28 Oh,

Speaker 28 Antigone.

Speaker 28 Yes.

Speaker 28 Thank you.

Speaker 28 Oh,

Speaker 14 thank you for coming back.

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 10 you two seem to get on.

Speaker 19 How was she?

Speaker 7 Antigone?

Speaker 10 Anything wrong? Sorry.

Speaker 9 No, I'm fine.

Speaker 11 I

Speaker 14 think we should go home.

Speaker 7 Oh, sure.

Speaker 10 Shall we?

Speaker 10 Oh,

Speaker 10 nearly forgot.

Speaker 10 I said I nearly forgot.

Speaker 7 Hm? Forgot what?

Speaker 10 The offer. My offer to you.

Speaker 13 More proposition, I think.

Speaker 43 Uh, yes.

Speaker 10 No, you're right.

Speaker 12 Wrong word.

Speaker 14 So.

Speaker 11 So.

Speaker 10 Have you thought about it?

Speaker 14 Uh

Speaker 28 here and there.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 10 Is that a I like the idea, but I've got to consider the practicalities, or more definitely not, how do I tell him?

Speaker 17 Or it's um

Speaker 28 in my head.

Speaker 17 I see. I'm not trying to be evasive, I'm just being evasive.
Look, do you really

Speaker 44 actually think it could work? Yes.

Speaker 17 That's it, just yes.

Speaker 10 Afraid so?

Speaker 38 Well, I'd have to leave everything behind.

Speaker 28 My home, my mortuary, my fluids.

Speaker 10 You can bring some of those things with you.

Speaker 16 How could either of us look him in the eye? Who?

Speaker 16 Oh, Rudyard. Of course, Rudyard.
It's a family business.

Speaker 17 Fifteenth century, that means something, doesn't it?

Speaker 10 If you want it to, yes.

Speaker 10 Still, well, you know my proposition.

Speaker 10 Just give it a ponder.

Speaker 10 And if you fancy it,

Speaker 10 I'm just over there.

Speaker 17 Then I'm just over there.

Speaker 15 Yep? Yes.

Speaker 19 Are you all right?

Speaker 17 Yes, I'm just laughing.

Speaker 5 Why? I don't know.

Speaker 38 I've um

Speaker 38 had a

Speaker 15 really quite um

Speaker 13 nice

Speaker 13 evening.

Speaker 44 Oh, yes.

Speaker 10 Great fun. Yes.

Speaker 10 Yes.

Speaker 8 Well, I ought to be. Oh, sorry.

Speaker 11 No, you first.

Speaker 10 I ought to be getting to bed. I'll see you later.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 10 Long day tomorrow.

Speaker 10 Thanks for taking the evening off.

Speaker 10 Oh.

Speaker 21 Yes, I'll.

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 21 See you.

Speaker 19 Sleep well. You too.

Speaker 42 Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 4 The next morning found funeral director Ruddyard Fun in the same place he'd been all week, lying in bed with his foot in plaster and being a source of irritation to everyone around him.

Speaker 4 Georgie!

Speaker 18 Ready for my breakfast?

Speaker 7 Georgie!

Speaker 18 Hello down there, Madeline.

Speaker 44 Sleep well?

Speaker 44 Georgie!

Speaker 30 What is it?

Speaker 18 I'd like my breakfast now, please.

Speaker 3 I'm doing it.

Speaker 29 Edgland's soldiers pipe down.

Speaker 18 Actually, I think I'm in the mood for sausage and beans this morning.

Speaker 29 Well, you've got Edgar's soldiers.

Speaker 18 Well, I still pay your wages occasionally, and I'd prefer sausage and beans.

Speaker 22 Fine.

Speaker 29 I'll chuck the eggs.

Speaker 18 Oh, no, bring them in. Madeline enjoys them.

Speaker 18 And for now, I'll have my cereal with chocolate milk.

Speaker 7 Yes, sir.

Speaker 25 Ooh, ooh, and my special spoon.

Speaker 29 With the Space Man. Space Ranger.

Speaker 22 Can I ask?

Speaker 29 Do you think you'll be getting up today?

Speaker 14 Oh, I doubt it.

Speaker 18 Mustn't rush these things.

Speaker 18 Lest we forget, I do have a broken foot after all.

Speaker 29 Would you like another one?

Speaker 3 No, just a cereal, please.

Speaker 18 Oh, Madeline, I don't think Antigone was in last night.

Speaker 18 You don't happen to know where she went.

Speaker 18 You hesitated.

Speaker 18 Yes, you did.

Speaker 44 You hes- Don't interrupt!

Speaker 18 That's all right.

Speaker 44 But you did, you hesitated.

Speaker 6 It's just she seems so

Speaker 41 odd this week. Evasive.

Speaker 18 Like she's hiding something from me.

Speaker 12 So she did go out?

Speaker 18 Where to? Was she with anyone?

Speaker 18 Why'd you stay in?

Speaker 18 Which film?

Speaker 18 Leslie Phillips.

Speaker 12 Yep, seen that one.

Speaker 46 Roger.

Speaker 18 It's her. Don't say anything.
Act natural.

Speaker 30 Enter!

Speaker 26 So, are you going to be useless for another day or not?

Speaker 18 Antigone, a broken foot doesn't mend overnight.

Speaker 18 It'll take six weeks at least.

Speaker 26 You can still help out around the place.

Speaker 47 Dr.

Speaker 18 Edgware told me to stay in bed and avoid stress.

Speaker 38 Dr. Edgware sleeps for no more than half an hour each night.

Speaker 16 Do you really trust his judgment?

Speaker 18 If he keeps me in bed all day, then yes.

Speaker 47 Here's your cereal, sir.

Speaker 29 And before you ask for it, a glass of orange juice.

Speaker 18 This orange juice has bits in it.

Speaker 26 I'll spoon them out. No!

Speaker 16 For heaven's sake!

Speaker 26 You're meant to be running a business, not consuming us out of house and home.

Speaker 18 I need rest and relaxation. And if I'd known the only way to get any was breaking my foot in a mine disaster, I'd have done it years ago.

Speaker 18 Now put the radio on. I'm gonna miss my program.

Speaker 46 Did you suffer an accident at work that wasn't your fault? Did you suffer an accident at work that was your fault? Call me, Reverend Wavering, and for a cool 10%,

Speaker 46 I'll help you get the compensation you may, or may not, deserve. And remember, I may know nothing about the law, but nor does anyone else.

Speaker 18 Best deal I ever made. Could somebody fluff my pillows?

Speaker 49 You're listening to Jennifer Delacroix, Pifflin FM. Today's top stories.

Speaker 49 Ever since our coverage of Pifflin's first press conference, our listenership has continued to grow and may reach double figures by the end of the month. Big, big thanks to Rudyard Fun.

Speaker 49 Hope you recover from your accident.

Speaker 46 And where's my 10%, you twister? They'd make me come over there and beat it out of you.

Speaker 46 Thank you, Reverend.

Speaker 18 I think that'll do for today.

Speaker 44 Turn this off, Georgie.

Speaker 49 This just in.

Speaker 49 Our very first breaking news story. Look, Georgie, wait.
We don't have

Speaker 49 full details yet, but it seems that there was a tragic accident last night at the Pifflane Travelling Circus. What?

Speaker 49 The wreckage of a car has been discovered having crashed into a tree not far from the main site. One fatality has been confirmed.
The driver. Bijou, the clown.

Speaker 43 Didn't we see her years ago?

Speaker 49 Shhh, shut up, shut up. Death would have been instantaneous.
God, breaking news is depressing. I'm not doing this again.

Speaker 29 Antigone, are you all right?

Speaker 49 Oh, we've had an update. Authorities at the site have requested the presence of Mr.
Eric Chapman. Eric Chapman, if you're listening, Piffly needs your help.

Speaker 26 We've got to get to that circus.

Speaker 44 Come on, Georgie. I want my sausages.

Speaker 30 Damn your sausages, Roger. I'm not letting Chapman get his beautiful hands on this one.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 37 You heard me.

Speaker 25 Come on, Georgie.

Speaker 3 See you, sir. But I'm but.

Speaker 14 Oh, well.

Speaker 19 Just you and me, Madeline.

Speaker 12 Madeline?

Speaker 4 I didn't like to leave him behind, but I knew the action was at that circus.

Speaker 4 Antigone and Georgie tumbled into the square and caught sight of Eric Chapman just a few meters ahead of them.

Speaker 3 Look, there he is. Shall I tackle him again or shall I?

Speaker 2 No, I can do it.

Speaker 7 No!

Speaker 21 You can't go to the circus! What?

Speaker 14 The bloody hole! You can't go!

Speaker 23 Not today. You're not going.

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 27 You hear me? She's mine.

Speaker 7 Antigone, what's wrong with you?

Speaker 29 Time out, Antigone. Time out.
Come on. Yes!

Speaker 23 Ow! Can you stop hitting me?

Speaker 50 Calm down.

Speaker 39 Let go!

Speaker 21 I need my arms to hit things.

Speaker 10 You and your brother are determined to run every suit I own, aren't you?

Speaker 2 Look at him. I don't care about him.

Speaker 32 Okay, look, look, look, look.

Speaker 10 The circus. Yes, the circus, I know.
They've just called me. They've asked me to go in.

Speaker 26 I'm sorry, but you can't. I'm going.

Speaker 10 But Antigone, you know what's happened there?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 10 It's a real tragedy, and I don't know if you're up to it.

Speaker 25 Oh, thank you, for letting me decide for myself what I'm optimistic in trying to do.

Speaker 10 Antigone, I really have to warn you on this one.

Speaker 44 Eric! Yes.

Speaker 23 I'm going.

Speaker 10 You don't get it, do you?

Speaker 43 Hey, Eric.

Speaker 21 Do us a favour, eh? Aye.

Speaker 44 Sure.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 10 I won't go.

Speaker 16 Thank you. Bye.

Speaker 10 But if you need my help, Antigone!

Speaker 51 Antigone!

Speaker 4 Antigone had no time to waste. She sped onwards, like a jet-propelled pipe cleaner wearing a dress.
And Georgie and I struggled to catch up.

Speaker 4 When we arrived at the big top, we found a circus in chaos and mourning.

Speaker 4 Even the elephants were crying.

Speaker 21 Right, we need to find someone in authority. Excuse me, bearded man.

Speaker 21 Yes?

Speaker 14 Could you direct us to.

Speaker 14 Oh, God,

Speaker 14 it's just awful

Speaker 30 Yes, I know

Speaker 11 This is no good they're all too distraught.

Speaker 29 Yeah, what about her in the top hat and the big boots?

Speaker 17 Of course the ringmistress She's exactly who we need to speak to big fan of the wits Joji

Speaker 4 we approached her maleficent majesty Marlena Magdalena Allegedly of Slovakian extraction Marlena had come to Pifling 12 years ago to study macroeconomic theory and circus skills.

Speaker 4 She'd usurped the Piffling circus from its former master and now ruled it with an iron fist.

Speaker 4 Grieve, everybody. Grieve!

Speaker 53 You call that grieving?

Speaker 53 Let the whole world

Speaker 4 Marlena was puffing on a desultory fag while sat on her favorite throne, which in turn was held aloft by her favorite strongman. Antigone slipped in between a couple of jugglers and made her appeal.

Speaker 13 Uh

Speaker 13 uh hello?

Speaker 30 Excuse me?

Speaker 54 What was that?

Speaker 53 I think a gnat just buzzed in my ear. Oi!

Speaker 23 Snootsy down here!

Speaker 53 Visitors! Intruding on our private private mourning!

Speaker 53 I would have you thrown to the lions if they weren't so depressed.

Speaker 30 But we're the undertakers!

Speaker 37 Are you indeed?

Speaker 53 Put me down, Patrick.

Speaker 12 Yes, Your Majesty.

Speaker 14 There.

Speaker 53 Now we can speak

Speaker 2 eye to eye.

Speaker 2 Yes, right.

Speaker 53 Where is the one they call Chapman?

Speaker 30 Well, he's not coming.

Speaker 30 You see, I wanted to do myself, so.

Speaker 14 How dare you?

Speaker 29 I won't lie. That's pretty hard.

Speaker 53 There is only one on this island who can provide a service befitting the height of our tragedy.

Speaker 30 I'm as capable as anyone.

Speaker 53 Do you even serve the one they call Chapman?

Speaker 41 She works at fun funerals, Your Majesty.

Speaker 20 Fun funerals?

Speaker 37 Ha! I'm too angry to laugh.

Speaker 53 You think I turn over our dead to you?

Speaker 5 The tears, they roll from my face.

Speaker 15 Yes, thank you.

Speaker 26 I know we've not got exactly the best reputation around here, but really.

Speaker 53 Why is she still talking to me? Get them out.

Speaker 39 Come on, time!

Speaker 39 Come on!

Speaker 26 Because I can provide the finest funeral you've ever seen in your life.

Speaker 41 Your Majesty, she did do the funeral of Roger Noggins. It was pretty damn good.

Speaker 19 They had a magician.

Speaker 53 So what? I got magicians coming out of my arse.

Speaker 3 That may be true, though it probably isn't.

Speaker 29 But this woman is the best mortician in a one-mile radius.

Speaker 30 Damn it, yes, I am.

Speaker 26 This funeral deserves the highest level of dedication and care, and I owe it to Bijou to see that she gets it.

Speaker 30 That's the only reason I'm here.

Speaker 7 Ha!

Speaker 53 Give me one good reason why I should not have you thrown to my trapeze artist!

Speaker 30 Because fan funerals will carry out the service by tomorrow, free of charge.

Speaker 54 Really?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 2 The whole thing? Yes.

Speaker 53 Are you sure?

Speaker 53 Yes.

Speaker 53 craze!

Speaker 14 You have yourself a bargain.

Speaker 53 Though how you'll manage it in 24 hours, I cannot conceive.

Speaker 16 It shouldn't be too difficult. We shall see.

Speaker 51 Take her away!

Speaker 53 Give her every assistance.

Speaker 30 Thank you. Yes, I'm pig.

Speaker 53 Before I go. Yes, what is it?

Speaker 26 If you want to go out some time, I'll stay in some time.

Speaker 30 Georgie,

Speaker 29 give us a ring.

Speaker 40 Bye.

Speaker 4 A few hours later, Radiard was waking up from a relaxing nap.

Speaker 4 Hmm, what time is it?

Speaker 44 Three o'clock?

Speaker 44 Somebody should have brought me lunch hours ago. Georgie!

Speaker 44 Georgie!

Speaker 14 Antigone!

Speaker 44 Anybody?

Speaker 14 Ah, Madeline.

Speaker 18 Where's Antigone? Is she in?

Speaker 18 Then why isn't she bringing me some lunch?

Speaker 18 Come on, come on, come on.

Speaker 18 So you went to the circus with them.

Speaker 18 Did Antigone get the funeral?

Speaker 14 Oh, well done, Her.

Speaker 18 Simple job, is it?

Speaker 14 You hesitated again.

Speaker 14 What's going on here?

Speaker 14 For the love of

Speaker 44 my own lunch, shall I?

Speaker 22 Only a severely ill man.

Speaker 51 What's the worst that could happen?

Speaker 44 If I drop down dead, well, she'll just inherit the whole business.

Speaker 44 Joe's on her.

Speaker 18 In my will, I've left everything to Bill.

Speaker 7 That'll settle her hash.

Speaker 7 Ow.

Speaker 31 Okay, here we are.

Speaker 18 Let us venture into this brave new world that has such terrors in it.

Speaker 22 What was that?

Speaker 14 Nope, definitely happened.

Speaker 12 There's a dead clown in the corridor.

Speaker 18 Yes, there is.

Speaker 18 I'm standing on him.

Speaker 1 Oh, now you see him.

Speaker 44 Sure. Antigone!

Speaker 51 George A.

Speaker 18 I know you- Oh, what's the point?

Speaker 19 Better sweep him up, I suppose.

Speaker 18 Just because I'm ill, that's no reason why standard should slip.

Speaker 44 I'll get the broom.

Speaker 14 Madeline,

Speaker 18 there's a dead clown in the cupboard.

Speaker 14 And another one.

Speaker 19 And two more.

Speaker 18 Yes, I think surprised is a fair word to use, Madeline.

Speaker 51 Also perplexed, concerned, incensed, antagonist.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 18 Let's take this in order, shall we? I wasn't woken up. I haven't been brought my lunch, and there are dead clowns all over the house.

Speaker 43 Care to explain why?

Speaker 15 I, yes.

Speaker 5 Well,

Speaker 16 we didn't wake you up because we were busy with the clowns.

Speaker 10 Stuffing them into cups.

Speaker 26 Yes, and we didn't make you lunch because we were still busy with the clowns.

Speaker 3 Good.

Speaker 18 Well, we've been quite comprehensive so far, so how about we go for the million-dollar question and tell me why you should be busy with dead clowns in the first place?

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 13 rather more difficult to answer.

Speaker 12 How about we go into the kitchen?

Speaker 5 There's another five there.

Speaker 23 Why? What?

Speaker 16 Why? Oh, why, why, yes.

Speaker 13 Well, uh, you see, I went to the circus so I could sort out Buigi's funeral.

Speaker 13 And I spoke to the ringmistress,

Speaker 26 and we got talking.

Speaker 13 I told her that fun funerals wanted to do the whole service,

Speaker 13 and she seemed happy with that, so um

Speaker 1 when Bijou crashed her car, was she the only one inside it?

Speaker 18 No, were the others all killed as well? Yes, have you accidentally agreed to do a funeral for not just a clown, but a number of clowns?

Speaker 15 Yes, how many?

Speaker 1 How many clowns?

Speaker 22 Forty. Sorry?

Speaker 26 Forty?

Speaker 13 Forty. Forty dead clowns, yes.

Speaker 7 When's the funeral?

Speaker 14 Tomorrow.

Speaker 18 And how much have we been paid for all this?

Speaker 18 And tickets?

Speaker 28 Nothing.

Speaker 23 What?

Speaker 3 They said I do it all free of charge, so we're getting nothing at all in terms of money or anything.

Speaker 11 Roger.

Speaker 26 Roger, I know it looks bad, but I promise you, George and I will stay up all night to get it right and I'll never go to the circus again.

Speaker 11 Brudgeard?

Speaker 2 Oh dear.

Speaker 30 Georgie!

Speaker 29 Is he crying?

Speaker 11 Uh, only on the inside.

Speaker 11 Okay, sir.

Speaker 29 Let's get you back to bed, eh? Would you like that, sir?

Speaker 11 Of course you would.

Speaker 29 And we can get you some nice food and a cup of hot water. Strong.

Speaker 29 Just as you like it.

Speaker 32 And when you're up, watch that clown.

Speaker 26 When you wake up tomorrow, all the dead clowns will simply have gone away.

Speaker 11 Yes, well, yes.

Speaker 16 It says look bad, I'll grant that.

Speaker 25 But we can get through it.

Speaker 21 Yes, can't we?

Speaker 33 Hey, Madeline.

Speaker 29 At least we always know how he's feeling.

Speaker 38 Georgie, look me in the eye.

Speaker 13 Am I an idiot?

Speaker 29 No.

Speaker 14 Actually, yeah.

Speaker 29 Sorry, yeah, you are.

Speaker 30 Better get back to it, I suppose.

Speaker 13 One embalmed, thirty-nine to go.

Speaker 13 Do you think we should tell Roger not to look under his bed?

Speaker 29 Don't think it matters now, really.

Speaker 4 Knowing that the task ahead would require all of Fun Funeral's resources, Georgie arranged a temporary substitute to take her place at the mayor's office.

Speaker 53 I'm sure I'll get round to it.

Speaker 53 Thank you.

Speaker 4 Meanwhile, Antigone and Georgie had descended into the mortuary.

Speaker 4 They remained there for hours upon hours, working flat out to embalm 40 clowns and prepare 40 clown coffins. But the enormity of their task was.

Speaker 7 overwhelming.

Speaker 23 God's sake, can't you embalm any faster?

Speaker 21 It's just a couple of clowns. What's the matter with you?

Speaker 21 Right, there's another one done.

Speaker 23 Switch him out, bug a new one in.

Speaker 52 Hang on.

Speaker 32 It's the 15th coffee.

Speaker 29 Faster, faster. Okay, let's pick him up.

Speaker 20 Now, help me connect on the next one.

Speaker 29 Antigone, I seriously need some coffee.

Speaker 38 No, I'm not even halfway.

Speaker 17 Every row turned, the glassy, accusing eye of a clown glares back at us.

Speaker 23 We've got to keep going.

Speaker 29 But we're running out of wood.

Speaker 23 I can't build any coffee.

Speaker 21 Yes, you can. Rip the floorboards up, use the doors, use anything.

Speaker 55 Georgie, we've got to do something I've never done before.

Speaker 35 What's that? We've got to believe in ourselves, Georgie.

Speaker 21 You see, we've got to, because otherwise we.

Speaker 38 We.

Speaker 40 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're heat there.

Speaker 21 Go ahead and go hidden.

Speaker 29 Now can we make some coffee?

Speaker 37 Why

Speaker 17 is

Speaker 40 life?

Speaker 29 Why is life what?

Speaker 17 I know that was it, just why is life?

Speaker 54 Look.

Speaker 29 Let's switch the radio on. Find some soothing music or something.

Speaker 21 I hate music. I hate soothing.

Speaker 29 We're putting it on.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 49 And we've called the mayor's office for a statement, but for some reason, we can't get through. For the moment, looks like those ducks aren't going off that merry-ground anytime soon.

Speaker 49 In other news, a mysterious mystery at Fun Funeral.

Speaker 49 It seems that nobody has set eyes on funereal siblings Rudyard and Antigone Fun, nor their plucky young assistant Georgie Crusoe, in over three days.

Speaker 49 Rumour has it that they're preparing the clown car catastrophe caper funeral, but there's no sign of life at the funeral home, ironically, or not.

Speaker 49 And Marlena Magdalena of the Pithlin Travelling Circus is very much on the war path.

Speaker 49 She's terrifying.

Speaker 14 Three

Speaker 15 days.

Speaker 29 We must have totally lost track of time.

Speaker 29 No wonder we're knackered.

Speaker 14 But

Speaker 21 that means we missed our deadline days ago.

Speaker 29 What the hell's Marlena going to say about this?

Speaker 16 Hold me, Georgie. Hold your own, Georgie.

Speaker 53 I have come here to discuss a funeral I do not mind whose it is

Speaker 23 Miss Magdalena I can only offer you my sincere welcome

Speaker 53 you can give me the funeral you promised us three whole days ago we're doing the best we can the stairwell is blocked with decomposing clowns I heard a man crying in his bedroom as I passed he just wants sausages and beans he's easily placated

Speaker 29 okay that still does it for me.

Speaker 11 But it's gonna make conversation very hard if you keep doing it.

Speaker 53 I have had enough of this.

Speaker 23 Give me my clowns.

Speaker 35 But we're using them.

Speaker 37 Give me the clowns, I say. No, go away.

Speaker 53 I shall take them to the man I requested in the first place.

Speaker 30 We'll give you a discount.

Speaker 21 No, no, that's impossible.

Speaker 25 Um, a free gift.

Speaker 35 Yes, take something, anything.

Speaker 16 Take me. Not Georgie, I need her.

Speaker 26 But please, I've got to do this funeral.

Speaker 38 I spoke to Biji the night before she died, and I gave her my word.

Speaker 13 Well, no, I didn't, because I didn't know she'd die.

Speaker 38 But if I had, then I would have.

Speaker 23 No, I didn't. But if I had, I'd have done it, so please, let me do this funeral for her.

Speaker 6 You're mad.

Speaker 29 But also, crucially, nearly halfway done. So you might as well leave it with those.

Speaker 38 Eh?

Speaker 38 Hmm.

Speaker 53 It will be tomorrow.

Speaker 53 In the morning.

Speaker 20 At nine o'clock.

Speaker 53 If you are late, I shall feed you to my elephant. Ha!

Speaker 29 Don't worry, she can't do that. There's a law against it.
We passed it last week.

Speaker 11 Tomorrow morning.

Speaker 25 It can't be done, can it?

Speaker 29 I mean,

Speaker 29 I think we'll need a miracle, and there's only one man on the island with that kind of luck.

Speaker 6 I'm gonna check in on Woodyard.

Speaker 49 So, how are you adjusting to your new life together? Oh, getting by.

Speaker 49 Getting by.

Speaker 49 Are we, Bill? Yeah.

Speaker 49 As Tanya says, getting by.

Speaker 46 Just the main thing is just

Speaker 49 not having him around anymore. Because Jerry was always there, wasn't he?

Speaker 49 Always there. The three of us.
Always there.

Speaker 49 Oh, God.

Speaker 49 Well, I've got another side of questions for you, so we'll give you a sec to compose yourselves.

Speaker 49 In the meantime, here's that message again for a certain someone in case she hasn't heard it yet.

Speaker 48 Antigone.

Speaker 48 I know why you're doing this and I know how much it means to you. Believe me, I'd never try and take this away from you.
All I'm saying, no,

Speaker 48 begging you is to let me help you in any way I can. You can't do this alone, Antigone.
You can't do this alone.

Speaker 52 Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Speaker 16 What, shut up, hello?

Speaker 29 Was that Eric on the radio? No. Sounds like him.

Speaker 11 It was Dead Ringers.

Speaker 14 All right.

Speaker 29 Rudyard's in a pretty bad way. I think he's got a fever.
I've given him some tablets, but he really should see a doctor.

Speaker 25 Rudyard can wait.

Speaker 16 The clowns can't. Only another 25 to do before morning.

Speaker 4 But no matter how hard they tried, the mountain of work grew higher and higher. I hadn't seen such despair on Antigone's face since the days of my original Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse.

Speaker 4 Three stars from the Guardian, read like a four.

Speaker 4 Things were getting desperate.

Speaker 19 Antigone,

Speaker 51 Antigone, can I come down?

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 10 It's three o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 18 You need to sleep.

Speaker 11 Can't. Too much work.

Speaker 5 Too many clowns.

Speaker 18 They're uh

Speaker 18 beginning to rot.

Speaker 14 The smell. I know.

Speaker 18 When's the deadline?

Speaker 11 Six hours.

Speaker 18 You'll have to ask for more time.

Speaker 11 I've had more time.

Speaker 18 Still feeling a bit hot.

Speaker 18 I have my head spinning.

Speaker 11 Roger.

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 11 I've taken my shoes off.

Speaker 11 Why?

Speaker 11 I'm drunk. Oh.

Speaker 55 Have some methanol. No, thank you.

Speaker 14 Are you okay? Yes.

Speaker 11 George is resting.

Speaker 11 I'm keeping watch.

Speaker 5 In half an hour, we'll embalm some more clowns together.

Speaker 11 The funeral's in six hours. Yes, you told me.

Speaker 18 Um, Antigone.

Speaker 18 I don't think you'll make it.

Speaker 11 I've got to for Bijou.

Speaker 18 Have you embalmed her yet?

Speaker 5 I can't remember.

Speaker 18 We don't have the resources for this.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 11 The embalming machine has stopped.

Speaker 5 We haven't the fuel to cremate them. We haven't any more wood to make coffins.

Speaker 18 Yes, I saw my bedroom door had gone.

Speaker 18 And my bedside table. And my bed.
I don't really have a room anymore.

Speaker 17 And yet it's still not enough.

Speaker 5 Not nearly enough.

Speaker 18 So we can't get the bodies in the coffins in the.

Speaker 18 You know the worst thing about it all?

Speaker 11 I've let her down.

Speaker 18 I bet Chapman would have found a way.

Speaker 6 Chapman.

Speaker 18 He's probably across the road now.

Speaker 18 Cackling away to himself, eating a truffle.

Speaker 14 Maybe two.

Speaker 18 Chapman. He's destroyed us at last.

Speaker 18 Perfect revenge for what I did.

Speaker 18 Or was it because we existed in the first place?

Speaker 2 Chapman, Roger, you're absolutely right.

Speaker 16 He can help us.

Speaker 31 Ask for his help.

Speaker 14 Never.

Speaker 18 If we're getting destroyed, we're getting destroyed with dignity. I want my slippers.

Speaker 21 We don't need to ask him for help.

Speaker 55 In fact, we can make him help us without him even knowing.

Speaker 18 You're rambling, Antigone.

Speaker 25 And there are two of us. It's a question of resources.

Speaker 35 Really, very fine. There's no time to waste.

Speaker 16 We've got to get to Chapman's. Come on.

Speaker 37 I'm not going there.

Speaker 21 Stop being difficult.

Speaker 18 It's three in the the morning. I've got a broken foot.

Speaker 14 I'm tired and sick, and I want my slippers. You can't make me go.

Speaker 23 I'll fill your life with spiders.

Speaker 14 I'm a sick man.

Speaker 3 Let's go, Regard.

Speaker 36 I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 36 No!

Speaker 36 Georgie!

Speaker 4 Out into the inanimate night staggered the exhausted Antigone, dragging her brother behind her. They shambled across the square, unseen by human eyes.

Speaker 4 Antigone had devised a simple plan to break into Chapman's and to procure whatever she needed.

Speaker 16 The interior of Chapman's funeral home was entirely still and entirely silent.

Speaker 4 It was clear to me that if Antigone was to gain entry unannounced, she required a crafty plan indeed.

Speaker 33 Right, in again.

Speaker 14 Stop crying. I haven't got much time.

Speaker 36 Why are we here?

Speaker 16 For supplies.

Speaker 55 Grab anything that looks useful.

Speaker 18 We could keep pens in it.

Speaker 14 No!

Speaker 55 We'd need things for the funeral: tools, wood, embalming fluids, anything.

Speaker 49 This is a terrible plan.

Speaker 5 You mean a terrific plan, that's what you mean.

Speaker 17 Easy mistake, the words are very similar.

Speaker 11 Wait, did you hear that? Hello? Chapman.

Speaker 35 You must have heard the smashing glass. Cunning swine.

Speaker 35 Quick, hide.

Speaker 7 Hello?

Speaker 7 Hunting.

Speaker 19 Is someone there?

Speaker 10 I can assure you, this isn't the least bit amusing.

Speaker 44 What do we do? I shall report this.

Speaker 3 My job.

Speaker 17 Behind us, is that a lift?

Speaker 18 Yes, I've seen it.

Speaker 14 It's a really nice leaf.

Speaker 16 It's alright, I don't care.

Speaker 35 Three, two, one.

Speaker 21 Hey, you, come on. Doors opening.

Speaker 23 Get in, get in, get in, get in.

Speaker 14 Stop right there.

Speaker 52 Come on, come on. Shut your, shut up, shut it, shut.

Speaker 23 Doors closing. Wait a second.

Speaker 25 Is that no, it isn't going?

Speaker 3 I'm ticking in.

Speaker 18 I don't think he's off. For God's sake.

Speaker 14 Doors opening.

Speaker 14 Where are we?

Speaker 5 I don't know. I...

Speaker 5 just mashed the buttons.

Speaker 18 Why does everyone have a secret lair except us?

Speaker 55 It looks more like a

Speaker 11 laboratory.

Speaker 13 All this equipment.

Speaker 17 All these machines.

Speaker 7 Sorry, Antigone.

Speaker 44 I'm really not feeling well.

Speaker 25 Roger, there's someone inside this machine.

Speaker 16 Look!

Speaker 18 You're right.

Speaker 27 I think he's dead.

Speaker 16 And over here, another body.

Speaker 12 Antigone.

Speaker 25 What? What is it?

Speaker 7 This one here, it's It's empty. So?

Speaker 14 It's reserved for me. What?

Speaker 14 Look.

Speaker 49 Rodger.

Speaker 14 What does it mean?

Speaker 10 Enjoying yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Shutman. How did you get here without the lift?

Speaker 10 I

Speaker 42 took the stairs.

Speaker 7 This place has everything.

Speaker 10 Look, I really don't want to be a pain, but can you explain what the hell do you think you're doing here?

Speaker 25 Can you explain what you're doing with these bodies?

Speaker 10 What? Mr. Wilde's getting buried on Friday at Lord Sinclair Tuesday week.
I'm keeping their bodies preserved in the freezers till I can work on them. Standard practice.

Speaker 43 Freezers? Oh, is that what they are?

Speaker 42 Yes, you should have them.

Speaker 10 Well, why does this one say Rudyard?

Speaker 43 It says rhubarb. Does it?

Speaker 10 See, I'm keeping rhubarb.

Speaker 18 What for?

Speaker 10 To eat it. Look, for Pete's sake, what's going on? And why in God's name are you in your dressing gown?

Speaker 14 Where are you? I live here. Shut up, those of you.

Speaker 14 Look at them.

Speaker 21 Oh, these freezers.

Speaker 11 You could have kept 40 clowns down here at any time.

Speaker 21 It'd have been easy for you.

Speaker 10 Yes, I know.

Speaker 10 Where have you been keeping them?

Speaker 22 Oh, you know.

Speaker 14 Around the house. You?

Speaker 23 What? That is incredibly unhygienic.

Speaker 21 Yes, I know.

Speaker 10 Do you do have any idea what you're doing?

Speaker 56 Now, look here, Chapman. You may have the technology and the rhubarb, but over at fun funerals, we just rely on good old-fashioned efforts to get.

Speaker 10 Oh, leave it out, Roger. Don't you think it took me any effort to build up this place? Oh, I don't.
You really think that, do you?

Speaker 42 Yep. Then how did I do it?

Speaker 56 Magic! You used magic, and I don't think you really exist.

Speaker 51 Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to faint, and I hope it'll be on your conscience.

Speaker 10 You're gonna what now?

Speaker 25 Roger.

Speaker 25 He's

Speaker 21 very ill.

Speaker 10 Antigone, you've got to let me help. We can get all the bodies over here in the morning, and between us, we can get it.

Speaker 53 We can do this one together, like I said, as partners.

Speaker 21 That's not what I want from you.

Speaker 10 What do you want from me?

Speaker 29 I want you

Speaker 25 to hand over all your embalming fluid, your coffins, your freezers, your flowers, and then I'm gonna get into that lift and take you back home, and then

Speaker 23 I'm gonna win!

Speaker 16 Do you hear me, Chapman?

Speaker 55 We'll never give up.

Speaker 21 We'll

Speaker 28 never.

Speaker 10 Antigone!

Speaker 10 Wake up, Antigone!

Speaker 51 Rudyard!

Speaker 4 It had been too much for them. Their minds were shattered, their bodies wearing a bit thin.

Speaker 4 They were soon put under the care of the equally fatigued Dr. Edgware.

Speaker 4 I sat by their hospital beds and answered my fan mail whilst waiting for any signs of their recovery.

Speaker 29 Cheers, Madeline.

Speaker 21 Georgie?

Speaker 11 Where's Roger?

Speaker 18 Next bed over.

Speaker 10 I've eaten the grapes. Oh,

Speaker 28 what happened?

Speaker 29 You collapsed about 18 hours ago. Couldn't wake you up.
Eric carried you both here in the middle of the night.

Speaker 11 Chapman Community Hospital.

Speaker 29 Nah, too popular. You're in the other one.

Speaker 18 Where bathing is optional and not recommended.

Speaker 13 What time is it?

Speaker 40 Late.

Speaker 28 What about the funeral?

Speaker 29 Eric's taken over. It'll be on the beach.
He'll be doing it in about half an hour.

Speaker 17 I see.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry, Bijou.

Speaker 18 Oh, never mind, Antigone. We'll pick ourselves up again like we usually do.

Speaker 28 What's the point?

Speaker 38 Really, what is the point? How often can we keep failing and failing? What is the point?

Speaker 29 I think I'll call the doctor over.

Speaker 43 What's the verdict, Doctor?

Speaker 18 Yes, please tell us.

Speaker 41 It's serious, I'm afraid.

Speaker 20 You're going to have a baby.

Speaker 27 Well, that's wonderful news.

Speaker 19 Is it?

Speaker 14 Oh, right, congratulations.

Speaker 29 Doctor, the both are wait now.

Speaker 20 It never ends.

Speaker 29 He's coming over.

Speaker 14 Good evening, Doctor.

Speaker 14 Stop.

Speaker 12 What did I tell you?

Speaker 20 Stay in bed, avoid stress, and leave me alone.

Speaker 12 It's the best prescription I've got.

Speaker 14 It's not my fault. It's not my fault.

Speaker 20 And you'll know better.

Speaker 20 I think it's time we had a chat, don't you? Take a seat. I never touch them.

Speaker 41 Right.

Speaker 20 Bearing in mind the circumstances of last night, and indeed the past few months, it's my opinion you should see a psychiatrist. That's it, really?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 20 So don't bother.

Speaker 20 Just take my advice. If you think you're about to annoy someone, don't do it.

Speaker 23 Well, tell it to chat.

Speaker 35 He's always there, succeeding at things.

Speaker 3 If you can give us a chapman, Anson.

Speaker 20 Look, look, let me identify real professional stress.

Speaker 20 Running two hospitals without any staff.

Speaker 41 Do you know how old I am?

Speaker 20 No. Neither do I.

Speaker 18 Look, at least you don't have to worry about competition on your doorstep.

Speaker 6 I'd kill for it.

Speaker 20 I look out the window and all I can see is another hospital I meant to be in. Yes, but I know that.

Speaker 31 And your clients only come to you once.

Speaker 14 Mine come back to me over and over again.

Speaker 31 Most of them sent here by you and one of your bloody funerals.

Speaker 18 Well, if you hate it so much, why don't you stop?

Speaker 20 More importantly, why don't you?

Speaker 18 Well, I

Speaker 14 know.

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 20 I know, you don't know.

Speaker 20 Why does anyone do anything?

Speaker 20 I can't prescribe anything for that.

Speaker 18 Still,

Speaker 20 I should try.

Speaker 10 What's your poison?

Speaker 31 Aspirin?

Speaker 14 Morphine?

Speaker 5 Aspirin, thank you.

Speaker 41 Wait here.

Speaker 20 Don't damage anyone.

Speaker 29 It's fun.

Speaker 42 Antigone.

Speaker 18 This funeral.

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 14 How much

Speaker 7 does it mean to you?

Speaker 17 It doesn't anymore.

Speaker 18 Georgi, is your moped outside?

Speaker 7 Yeah, but what?

Speaker 18 Antigone, we're going to reclaim that funeral.

Speaker 16 But are you insane?

Speaker 18 Like the doctor said, why does anyone do anything?

Speaker 14 Why? Because it matters.

Speaker 18 Georgie, will you help us?

Speaker 29 It's a stupid idea, so yes.

Speaker 14 Antigone? I...

Speaker 21 But...

Speaker 14 Now, look here, Antigone.

Speaker 18 It's just enough time, but we have to go now.

Speaker 23 Yes, I'm with you, Regard.

Speaker 37 Yeah, right!

Speaker 44 Time to make a getaway!

Speaker 20 Didn't have any aspirin, so I brought you some Lego.

Speaker 31 Where are you going?

Speaker 29 Doctor, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm gonna have to knock you unconscious. Why?

Speaker 20 But I know now.

Speaker 37 He's onto us!

Speaker 43 Georgie, attack! Wait!

Speaker 20 If you're determined to knock me out, couldn't you just

Speaker 31 put me to bed?

Speaker 20 Because that would be, you know, if you could just do that for me,

Speaker 46 thank you.

Speaker 18 Antigoni, Georgie. Madeline.

Speaker 18 Let's get that funeral.

Speaker 4 Radyard led our daring escape from the hospital. Soon, we were clinging onto Georgie's moped for dear life as we sped off towards our destiny at Piffling Beach,

Speaker 43 the Lord Jesus was said to have turned water into wine, which was a pretty nifty trick, but wouldn't it have been even niftier if he'd done it whilst flinging himself around on the flying to peas?

Speaker 14 I have often asked that question. Talk about clowns.

Speaker 43 Oh, well, I find them a bit scary, actually. What?

Speaker 10 Yes, never mind, Nigel. I'll take it from here.

Speaker 10 Good evening, everyone.

Speaker 10 You two. Now, I know that you all expected this service a few days ago.
Well, you've all been incredibly patient, and I see absolutely no reason why this funeral should be delayed a moment longer.

Speaker 14 Stop the funeral!

Speaker 44 Sure, why not?

Speaker 23 It's us, Chapman!

Speaker 14 We want our funeral back.

Speaker 10 I don't believe this.

Speaker 16 Brad, I suddenly feel very silly.

Speaker 6 That's what they want you to think.

Speaker 30 No, I really do feel extremely silly.

Speaker 39 How dare you!

Speaker 23 You, you funds, you shattered the dignity of this service.

Speaker 37 Have you no shame?

Speaker 14 I should tear you apart.

Speaker 10 If you do that,

Speaker 10 then you won't have a funeral.

Speaker 53 What is that supposed to mean?

Speaker 10 I'm not doing it.

Speaker 10 They are.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 53 Them, but they are such idiots.

Speaker 10 They might be wearing hospital gowns on a breezy night.

Speaker 10 But God help me, I've never known anybody want something quite so much before.

Speaker 10 Antigone,

Speaker 42 you win.

Speaker 42 But

Speaker 55 I don't see forty coffins.

Speaker 38 How have you done it?

Speaker 10 The clowns. They were all in the car when it crashed.

Speaker 42 I just stuffed them back in.

Speaker 20 Simple.

Speaker 10 Only took half an hour.

Speaker 10 We're going to set it alight and push it out to sea.

Speaker 37 A spectacle worthy of their genius.

Speaker 11 That's very clever.

Speaker 44 Yes,

Speaker 12 I know.

Speaker 10 Care for a light.

Speaker 13 Thank you.

Speaker 10 We haven't got all night.

Speaker 55 Come on, Rohad. Oh,

Speaker 14 but this is really your.

Speaker 4 Please.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 4 Right, go.

Speaker 12 Georgie, can I ask you, am I mad or are they?

Speaker 6 To be honest, I'm really the only one who isn't.

Speaker 14 Don't push it.

Speaker 10 No, fair enough.

Speaker 4 Antigone and Radyard approached the funeral pyre,

Speaker 14 and

Speaker 4 their hands both gripping the flaming torch, they

Speaker 15 set it alight.

Speaker 11 Goodbye, Bijou.

Speaker 18 And the rest of them.

Speaker 48 Yes, it's all right.

Speaker 14 I know.

Speaker 11 Rajad,

Speaker 5 I know you're my brother and all.

Speaker 11 But in spite of everything,

Speaker 5 I am glad you exist.

Speaker 5 You two are taken.

Speaker 5 Just about.

Speaker 4 The raft was pushed out to sea,

Speaker 4 the flames licking at the clear night sky.

Speaker 4 Brother and sister stood together upon the shores of Pifling

Speaker 11 and watched it float away.

Speaker 6 There Ought to Be Clowns was written by David K.

Speaker 6 Barnes and was performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Hira Baxendale as Georgie, Katie Manning as Bijoux, Emily Stride as Marlena Magdalena, Elana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, Andy Seacombe as Reverend Wavering, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Ellie Dickens as Miss Scruple, David K.

Speaker 6 Barnes as Dr. Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.
Original music composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 7 Yes, the ground on time.

Speaker 7 We get the body in the coffin. Get the body in the coffin.

Speaker 36 Get

Speaker 6 The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 12 Hello there, my name's Andy Goddard.

Speaker 42 And I'm John Weakfield.

Speaker 12 If you're listening to this, then you have just finished episode eight of Series 2 of Wooden Overcoats, which means that series 2 is sadly over.

Speaker 42 It has been a long but brilliant year, which began with us all sitting around a coffee table thinking about what next for Rudyard, Antigone, Georgie, Eric, and the residents of Piffling Vale.

Speaker 42 Would they come back? Which of Madeline's stories should we tell? And most importantly,

Speaker 41 how could we do it?

Speaker 7 Well,

Speaker 10 we asked you to lend us a hand.

Speaker 42 We launched our Kickstarter alongside our very own mini-series, Piffling Lives, focusing on the individual lives of some of our favorite characters from the series.

Speaker 2 Hello,

Speaker 3 you gave me quite the start.

Speaker 2 Good, right. Um,

Speaker 19 I'm having another biscuit

Speaker 42 through all of that and all of your generosity, we were able to raise over £10,000 to create a second series for all of you.

Speaker 42 Now the teams of writers, musicians and the cast were assembled. Some familiar voices and some wonderful new additions throughout.

Speaker 26 Here's all the bloody dogs what? Rap!

Speaker 42 And we hope you enjoyed yourself. Seeing your enthusiasm, your artwork, your love of the characters and piffling really does make the show completely worthwhile for all of us here at Wooden Overcoats.

Speaker 8 The world of audio content is rapidly changing in terms of how it's created.

Speaker 42 And if that wasn't enough, we've also been lucky enough to be nominated for a number of awards, including the Pre-Europa in Berlin, where we and a number of the world's most exciting program makers and podcasters met to talk about the future of radio.

Speaker 19 The range and diversity of audio.

Speaker 51 Even in the roo-woom, it was, uh, Radiad, I don't like my umbilical cord.

Speaker 42 Give me closer to home, of course.

Speaker 42 We brought the show to many of you who came down to London and saw us live, packing out the Horse and Stables pub in Waterloo every week, which was just a fabulous sight to see.

Speaker 42 And to hear real live reactions to all of those things we'd laboured over in studio was wonderful.

Speaker 26 I said those things to you in confidence.

Speaker 42 And we are enormously grateful to all of those live show casts, to all of our casts for the series, all of our writers, everyone, as I always say.

Speaker 42 But also, to you guys for listening.

Speaker 12 As a quick thank you, we've just recorded this little message for you from our live show the other night.

Speaker 8 Nice.

Speaker 10 Okay, I'm Tom Crowley and thank you.

Speaker 29 I'm Kira Baxendale and I say thank you.

Speaker 3 I'm Beth Air and thank you very much.

Speaker 12 I'm Felix Trench, thank you.

Speaker 42 I'm John Wakefield. Thank you.

Speaker 12 I'm Andy Goddard and cheers.

Speaker 14 Oh, Northern.

Speaker 42 Enjoy yourselves.

Speaker 7 Goodbye.

Speaker 42 I think that's probably a really lovely way just to leave it on the back of the body. Sorry, I just punched you.
And you did just punch me.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Christmas.

Speaker 39 Not a serious day on.

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