Season 2 Episode 7: Undertakers Underground

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Speaker 2 Honey Punches of Votes is the forma perfecta depending on families. Conjuelas crucientes and verdad qual ninos les encantas.
Ademas delicios o trosos degranola nuces y fruta que todos vanadis brutad.

Speaker 2 Honey punches the votes for all. Tocal benefits.

Speaker 3 Radyard Fun runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. He used to run it by himself.
He doesn't anymore.

Speaker 3 When we last left Rudyard, a bomb had exploded and the entire world was about to cave in. Is anyone hurt? Is anyone dead? If this doesn't shift a few of my books, then nothing will.

Speaker 4 Wooden Overcoats created by David K. Barnes, Season 2, Episode 7: Undertakers Underground by David K.

Speaker 6 Barnes and Tom Crowley.

Speaker 6 Now then,

Speaker 3 where did I leave off?

Speaker 3 Someone!

Speaker 7 Yes, there we go.

Speaker 3 Rudyard had made friends with Jerry the Baker, who, in a stroke of bad luck, had turned out to be be a deadly maniac.

Speaker 3 But the bomb intended for Eric Chapman had blown up the entrance to the uranium mine. The dust was beginning to clear.

Speaker 3 Is anyone hurt?

Speaker 3 Reverend?

Speaker 6 Reverend, are you all right?

Speaker 8 I think so.

Speaker 8 My goodness.

Speaker 8 How peculiar?

Speaker 8 What is?

Speaker 8 Intense religious experiences some people get after a brush with death.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Well, I didn't have one. What a sweet.

Speaker 5 I'm here, sir.

Speaker 6 You're bruised and covered in hundreds and thousands, but there's no bones broken.

Speaker 8 Madam?

Speaker 6 She's on my shoulder.

Speaker 4 She's safe.

Speaker 6 But I still can't see where.

Speaker 6 Oh, God.

Speaker 6 Where's Antigone?

Speaker 8 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Where's Eric?

Speaker 3 Where, indeed?

Speaker 3 As the rest of us counted our limbs on the island's surface, there stirred within the pitch-black interior of the crumbling mineshaft a frightened and thoroughly fed-up figure.

Speaker 8 Hello?

Speaker 5 Hello?

Speaker 5 Anyone here?

Speaker 5 Fantastic.

Speaker 5 Underground, entirely alone.

Speaker 5 In total, perfect darkness.

Speaker 5 I knew it would end like this.

Speaker 5 New, or somehow hoped.

Speaker 5 No, that's ridiculous. I'm not suicidal.
I'm not today anyway.

Speaker 8 Antigona.

Speaker 8 Oh, You did that on purpose.

Speaker 10 Yes, I did actually.

Speaker 8 How are you? Oh, all in one piece.

Speaker 5 And I see you survived.

Speaker 10 Just barely. Oh, this scene was brand new today as well.

Speaker 5 My heart bleeds for you.

Speaker 10 What are we looking at here?

Speaker 10 Come on, bloody phone.

Speaker 8 Cost enough.

Speaker 10 Oh, there we are.

Speaker 10 Thank God the torch still works.

Speaker 5 So now we can look at Bear Rock Face instead of Pitch Black Nothing, our hero.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 10 Your brother and his new best mate just tried to kill me with a DIY IED, and given our current predicament, they may not have actually failed.

Speaker 5 None of that's my fault.

Speaker 10 Nor is it mine, so I'd appreciate it for once you'd stop giving me a hard time.

Speaker 5 Why don't you stop yelling at me and do something useful? Does your phone have any signal or not?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 10 Because of the uranium. Because they're not in the Reverend's bathroom.

Speaker 10 Besides, there's no uranium left. Alter Geniev was a damn good miner.

Speaker 10 I'm more worried about Jerry.

Speaker 5 Jerry?

Speaker 10 Do Do you think he could be down here with us?

Speaker 5 I expect if he were, he'd have killed us by now.

Speaker 10 And he hasn't?

Speaker 5 So he isn't. Next question.

Speaker 10 Look, he could be hiding somewhere, biding his time.

Speaker 5 Me telling me this hasn't happened to you a long time ago.

Speaker 10 What being hunted down by a killer pastry chef? Yes. Oh, yeah, it used to happen every day.

Speaker 5 Well, look, I can't see any tunnels for him to hide in.

Speaker 10 Which also means we're entirely trapped. This chamber isn't very big, and there's nowhere for us to go.

Speaker 8 So

Speaker 5 all we can do is sit here and wait to be rescued.

Speaker 10 Exactly. God knows how long that could take.
Until then, it's just the two of us trapped here alone, in the dark.

Speaker 5 Practically on top of each other.

Speaker 8 More or less.

Speaker 8 Smashing.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, outside the mine, Piffling's best and brightest had gathered to survey the situation. By which I mean, Agatha Doyle had popped over from the sweet sweet shop to see what was going on.

Speaker 8 So,

Speaker 11 let me get this straight, as they say.

Speaker 8 Jerry whips out a bomb. ES.
He sets it off. Yeah.

Speaker 11 And the mine collapses.

Speaker 6 Got it. I see.

Speaker 11 Suspicious, one could say.

Speaker 8 I thought so.

Speaker 6 Blooming heck, how about we stop wasting time and actually do something?

Speaker 11 Young woman, I'm on the verge of solving a most interesting case.

Speaker 6 Antigone and Eric are trapped in there. They could be dead already.
Don't we have any emergency services?

Speaker 8 There's the Coast Guard and the Fire Marshal. Great.

Speaker 6 Where are they?

Speaker 8 They're both me. I could fix a rubber ring or a bucket of sand.
It's your choice.

Speaker 5 Flipping, Nora.

Speaker 6 Rudyard?

Speaker 6 Rudyard, what is wrong with you?

Speaker 8 Oh, poor chap. He's in shock.
Seen it before. Usually a prelude to the five stages of grieving.

Speaker 6 Rudyard, this is no time for grieving. We don't know if Antigone,

Speaker 6 whatever. We don't know if they're even alive in there.
For God's sake, Rudyard, wake up.

Speaker 8 Bomb, what, bomb? I didn't mention. I don't know anything about a bomb.
I'm not even convinced there was a bullying bomb. Bruvit, I defy you.
No, dear. Stage one, denial.

Speaker 8 It's a storm in a teacup, you'll see.

Speaker 10 Give me that pickaxe.

Speaker 8 Here, Antigone!

Speaker 8 Have this trouble cleared in a chippy.

Speaker 8 Not long now!

Speaker 8 Will, he's having bugger-all effect on those rocks, but you can't fault his enthusiasm, can you?

Speaker 6 We can't sit here all day watching Rudyard fail. I get enough of that at work.

Speaker 8 Very good.

Speaker 6 We have to find another way into that mine.

Speaker 8 I suppose you could do with a map of the tunnels. Oh, I think Desmond's got one of those.
Has he? Yes. Uh, when was it? Um, oh, that's right.

Speaker 8 We were planning a treasure hunt for Lady Templar's birthday. Never did find a prize.
But who says you can't have a jolly birthday surrounded by mining equipment? That's my motto.

Speaker 6 Reverend, where are those plans?

Speaker 8 I, um,

Speaker 8 uh, ooh, uh,

Speaker 8 I don't know. You'd have to ask Desmond.

Speaker 6 Right, I'm on it. Rogiardi, you cut

Speaker 6 flipping hell.

Speaker 8 Let me through, you obstinate rocks!

Speaker 8 It's like talking to a brickwalk.

Speaker 6 You two, make sure he doesn't hurt himself.

Speaker 8 Right, home. I'll be back.

Speaker 8 I suppose I ought to stay here. A fire could break out.
Have you got a bucket of sand? No.

Speaker 8 Ooh.

Speaker 8 You got me worried now?

Speaker 3 I knew that whatever Georgie did was likely to be quite exciting, so I asked a ladybird to take notes for me while I accompanied Georgie to the office of Piffling Vale's premier statesman, Mayor Desmond Desmond.

Speaker 10 Where are we now?

Speaker 8 I'm ah, sped sheets, budget deficit.

Speaker 8 Recycle bin.

Speaker 8 Well, that wasn't so hard. Mr.
Man! Well, oh, Corks, they flung me.

Speaker 6 Your worship, I need access to your files now.

Speaker 8 No, no, no, please! I declared all my illegitimate earnings. Travel and bribes, I exempt.
I check.

Speaker 6 Stop climbing out the window.

Speaker 8 You can't make me. Come back.

Speaker 6 This isn't about your taxes. There's been an accident.
Antigone could be in terrible danger. Who?

Speaker 6 Eric Chapman could be in terrible danger.

Speaker 8 Eric, we can't have that. How can I help?

Speaker 6 Okay, Eric and Antigone, stop it. Are trapped in the old uranium mine.
I need to know what's under Piffling. Mine shafts, sewers, everything.
We have to get into that mine.

Speaker 8 Exactly.

Speaker 12 Right, you'd better find some maps.

Speaker 6 You mean you don't know where they are?

Speaker 10 Well, I don't always read everything I'm given.

Speaker 12 In fact, come to think of it, you do.

Speaker 8 Damn it. You know where things are now.
The files, the hatstand, the cocktail recipe book. Where is that, by the way?

Speaker 6 Still on your desk.

Speaker 8 There we are. Now, find me the page for a rum and cook.
Moulad, Focus.

Speaker 6 Are you sure you don't have any chart of the islands?

Speaker 8 Uh, well, um, uh yes, yeah,

Speaker 8 wait a minute. Ah, here we are.
Look!

Speaker 10 What is it?

Speaker 6 A piffling kid's non-copyright infringing laughter meal.

Speaker 8 On the box, there's a kiddie's fun map. You can punch it out and make a little piffling of your own.

Speaker 6 Fine.

Speaker 6 The lighthouse,

Speaker 6 the owl sanctuary,

Speaker 6 Chapman's.

Speaker 8 Hang on.

Speaker 6 Fun funeral should be here.

Speaker 10 Then there'd be no room for the safari park.

Speaker 8 Bingo!

Speaker 6 Old uranium mine. Here be danger.

Speaker 6 You're not kidding, Ronald McPiffling.

Speaker 8 If only all those dancing chips went in the way.

Speaker 6 There's no time for this. I need real charts of the island.
Topographic maps.

Speaker 8 I'm sorry, Miss Crusoe. I haven't seen anything like that since our last spring clean.
That was before your time, of course.

Speaker 10 Back when it was still run by.

Speaker 8 Marjorie.

Speaker 8 That's it, Mr.

Speaker 6 Mayor.

Speaker 6 She can help us.

Speaker 8 No, no, you mustn't. She's too dangerous.
She'll bite your nose off and use it as a pencil sharp.

Speaker 6 Look, that's very impractical, and there's no other way. I've got to speak to her

Speaker 6 at the Chapman Community Hospital.

Speaker 3 Whilst the mayor crawled under his desk in terror,

Speaker 3 tensions were running a little high in the dark of the uranium mine.

Speaker 8 Three, two, one.

Speaker 8 Oh, Christ!

Speaker 10 Paper beats rock. Sorry.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 5 The Crusaders' trebuchets are at the gates. But not to worry, Saladin.
I have got this lovely piece of paper.

Speaker 10 How do you know so much about the Battle of Acre?

Speaker 5 I was a lonely child.

Speaker 10 Not altogether surprising.

Speaker 11 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 10 Nothing. Let's play again.
Best of 309.

Speaker 5 All we're going to do is sit around playing rock, paper, scissors. And I'd rather be stuck down here alone.
Just me and my regrets and salad in behind the city walls.

Speaker 10 This place isn't exactly an adventure playground. What do you want us to do?

Speaker 6 Talk.

Speaker 5 To each other.

Speaker 5 Maybe.

Speaker 8 Talk.

Speaker 8 Alright.

Speaker 10 Who wants to go first?

Speaker 8 Well. I know.

Speaker 10 Why don't we talk about how you and your brother have shown me nothing but resentment ever since I arrived here?

Speaker 5 I don't like that topic very much.

Speaker 10 That's funny, nor do I. You try and wreck everything I do, you scorn my every attempt to make friends.
Any time I try and help you, you assume I'm playing some kind of mind game.

Speaker 5 Well, you're clever enough. You could be playing a mind game with me right now.

Speaker 10 Antigone, please.

Speaker 5 Perhaps you planned the whole thing from the start, just to get me alone down here. But why, Chapman?

Speaker 8 Why? Thank God. Antigone!

Speaker 10 You know the only reason we're stuck in a mind shaft is because your brother tried to help someone turn me into Patton.

Speaker 5 Well, I knew they were up to no good.

Speaker 10 And you said nothing. You couldn't tell me your own brother was trying to murder me.

Speaker 8 No. Why not? It's embarrassing.
Why do I.

Speaker 6 Even try.

Speaker 5 Chapman, you moving across the square. You open up your own funeral home.
It's better than ours, and you know it. Why do you think it's so strange that we don't get on?

Speaker 10 Okay, look, let's just cool off for a second. No.
It's just the stress getting to us.

Speaker 5 We didn't cool off when you were insulting me. Fine.

Speaker 10 Let's open Pandora's box. Basically, I'm a businessman, and we're in a competitive industry.

Speaker 5 It wasn't until you showed up.

Speaker 8 Oh, what's the use?

Speaker 5 All the irons to choose from.

Speaker 8 Why did you come here?

Speaker 12 I can't tell you that.

Speaker 5 Did it all start a long time ago?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 10 Quite recently, as a matter of fact. But that's all I'm able to say right now.

Speaker 5 Fine. Be enigmatic if it gives you any comfort.

Speaker 10 And if you remember, before I came along, you hadn't even stepped outside in 17 years.

Speaker 5 Maybe I preferred it.

Speaker 7 You can't mean that. How do you know?

Speaker 5 Maybe it was better when I'd forgotten what the world was like.

Speaker 10 What is it now?

Speaker 5 Give me your torch. Why? Oh,

Speaker 5 look.

Speaker 7 Look!

Speaker 5 And it's sticking out of the rubble.

Speaker 8 Good lord, you're right.

Speaker 10 It's somebody's arm.

Speaker 3 And whilst Antigone and Eric made their gruesome discovery, events outside the mine were hotting up, too.

Speaker 3 Cup of tea, ready out!

Speaker 3 Here it is!

Speaker 3 Oh, I see.

Speaker 8 Still on denial, okay.

Speaker 8 Damn you, box. I'll turn you into a pebble bitch.
Ah, we may have moved on to anger.

Speaker 8 Over it! Over it! All the devil's going on over there!

Speaker 6 Now,

Speaker 6 stay back, please.

Speaker 8 Thank you very much.

Speaker 6 Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM. Miss Doyle, would you care to comment?

Speaker 8 About what?

Speaker 6 Anything you like? I'm just pleased to be here.

Speaker 8 Right, step aside. This is for the professionals.
Come on, darling, give us a story. No.

Speaker 8 Oh, please, I'll be your friend. Dealing with the press, Miss Doyle?

Speaker 11 Just keeping the massing hoards at bay.

Speaker 6 I've never been called a massing hoard before.

Speaker 8 I don't think I like it, Miss Doyle. Does this point to an anti-press bias in the Piffling Constabulary?

Speaker 6 Ooh, how do you respond to the allegations that you have hurt my feelings?

Speaker 8 I didn't mean to offend anybody. Sorry, everyone.
Well, why not to worry? No harm done.

Speaker 6 You're not gonna let her off the hook like that, are ya? Look, hypocritical Piffling police, shame-faced after press bashing gaff.

Speaker 6 That's how you do it.

Speaker 8 Oh, that does sound sharp. Oh, for goodness sake, let me have a bat at them, Miss Doyle.
Yeah, I moved this police tape aside. Ugh.

Speaker 8 What's it made of? Strawberry laces. It was all I had on me.
Now, Reverend Waverley,

Speaker 8 can you give us the picture on the tragic events of this afternoon? Yes. Jerry had a bomb, and then he blew it up.
God, that's vivv.

Speaker 6 Uh, now, can you tell us a little bit about your own personal trauma after this tragedy?

Speaker 8 Uh, oh, uh,

Speaker 8 I'm terribly sorry, I don't think I have any.

Speaker 6 You've not been crying, howling, any thrashing?

Speaker 8 No, not really.

Speaker 8 Oh, no story here, then.

Speaker 8 Oh, half full. I'm off for a pint.
It's your round. Well, I I actually, uh I I suppose I am rather worried about Eric Chapman.
Eric Chapman?

Speaker 8 What about Eric Chapman? He was in there during the cave-in with Antigone Fun. I thought she was dead.
No, she thought you were dead. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 And you see, the two of them are either trapped inside that little lot, or.

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 8 worse.

Speaker 6 You mean Eric Chapman killed?

Speaker 8 Brilliant! This is even better than the last time he died. I didn't say he was dead.
But to the best of your knowledge, you can't confirm he isn't. I wouldn't put it like that, I suppose I can't.

Speaker 8 Great!

Speaker 6 Finally, something to actually talk about on the air.

Speaker 8 I'll have to bump the word search to page three.

Speaker 8 Dry good work, Reverend. You've kept them busy.
I hope Chapman doesn't mind me saying he's dead. He's never had a problem with it before.

Speaker 8 Boy,

Speaker 8 is that Rodjard Funn over there? Eh?

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 8 well, um.

Speaker 3 Hey!

Speaker 6 Mr. Fun!

Speaker 8 Mr. Fun!

Speaker 8 Mr. Fun!

Speaker 8 Get out of here! Roger, boy! What's your Rodjard? Are you relieved to hear?

Speaker 6 Jennifer Delacroix, Piffling FM, are you relieved to hear that your nemesis, Eric Chapman, may have been slain?

Speaker 8 Or are you annoyed he didn't do it yourself?

Speaker 6 Unless he did do it himself.

Speaker 8 You don't think he did.

Speaker 6 Mr.

Speaker 11 Funn, did you do it yourself?

Speaker 8 Give me five more minutes, that's all I need. Eh? What's he talking about?

Speaker 6 Could you clarify that for our listeners, Mr. Funn?

Speaker 8 I'll do anything. Just five more minutes.
Oh, splendid. We're up to bargaining now.
Only two stages left to go.

Speaker 3 Elsewhere, Georgie had arrived at the Chapman Community Hospital. Hiffling Vale boasts two busy and thriving hospitals, and only one doctor between them.

Speaker 3 Dr. Henry Edgware met Georgie in the voye, had a good cry, and then led her down to the maximum security wing.

Speaker 8 You know, I can't say I approve of this, Miss Crusoe.

Speaker 6 I don't have a choice, Doctor. I need those maps.

Speaker 8 She's incredibly dangerous, so don't get too close. She bit off one of my my fingers yesterday.

Speaker 9 Are you okay?

Speaker 8 Oh, yes, I'm too tired to feel pain.

Speaker 8 Oh, here we are. Room six six six.

Speaker 8 Miss Smith, we'd like a word of you, please.

Speaker 6 Do you have an appointment? I do so like it when people have an appointment.

Speaker 8 Ah, yes, it's very original. If you need me, Miss Crusoe, I'll just be

Speaker 8 here.

Speaker 6 Jeez, you have a sit down, eh?

Speaker 8 My legs seized up four months ago.

Speaker 8 But thank you.

Speaker 6 Marjorie?

Speaker 6 You in there?

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 8 it's you!

Speaker 6 My replacement! Hope you've heard then. Ah, the odd fact or figure finds its way to me like whispers on the breeze.
Plus, Doctor Edgeware collapses in the corridor and talks in his sleep.

Speaker 6 He's better than the world's service. How convenient.

Speaker 6 I still remember every corner of this island.

Speaker 8 Every tiny detail.

Speaker 6 How is dear old fun funerals? Not bad. What about Rudyar's little pet mouse? Ask her.

Speaker 6 And the chip in the dresser by the kitchen door? It's still there. Now, could you.
And how is that mug that you broke on the 11th of June?

Speaker 8 We drew it away. Look, short.

Speaker 6 I need your help. Ooh.

Speaker 6 Straight and to the point.

Speaker 8 I like that.

Speaker 6 You know, we're not so very different, you and I.

Speaker 6 Yeah, we are. No, we're not.

Speaker 8 We are, though.

Speaker 6 Not so different.

Speaker 6 We are extremely different people. Maybe in a few small areas.
Like, I haven't gone on a killing spree. Not yet, anyway.
I'm not doing it. Sure about that? Not gonna happen.

Speaker 8 I think you will. Well, I won't.
We'll see.

Speaker 6 That doesn't mean anything, just saying we'll see. We'll see, though, won't we? Would you shut up? See, getting close.
Marjorie, this is serious. I need something.

Speaker 8 My, oh my.

Speaker 6 What on earth could the mayor's bright, shiny new assistant possibly need from the little old, obsolete me?

Speaker 8 Information.

Speaker 6 You won't get it! I need maps of the underground tunnels of Piffling.

Speaker 6 Well, ask the mayor where they are. He says you can't remember where anything is after your last spring clean.

Speaker 6 But

Speaker 8 I told him!

Speaker 6 I took him through every ass detail.

Speaker 6 But that's all in the past now.

Speaker 6 You going to tell me where they are or what? Perhaps I will.

Speaker 6 But first, I want something from you. Okay, go for it.
It's not much, Dar. Yes, but just a teeny, tiny little.
Marjorie, Marjorie, what is it you want?

Speaker 8 The admin.

Speaker 6 The admin.

Speaker 6 I want it.

Speaker 8 All of it.

Speaker 6 Every building permit.

Speaker 6 Every declaration of a site of natural interest.

Speaker 6 Every naming of a park bench. Everything will come through me, and I will know

Speaker 8 everything.

Speaker 8 I shall be

Speaker 8 everything.

Speaker 8 This whole village, this whole island, it will all be me, and then only then will I-

Speaker 8 Alright. Uh

Speaker 6 sorry, you can have the admin.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 6 All of it?

Speaker 9 Yeah, it's really boring.

Speaker 8 Done.

Speaker 6 Deal.

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 8 Well.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 8 Alright. Good.

Speaker 8 Good.

Speaker 8 Shall we shake on it? No, thanks.

Speaker 6 Damn, I was really starting to like fingers.

Speaker 3 So why the max?

Speaker 6 Coke to the recipe book.

Speaker 8 Oh, for flick's sake.

Speaker 6 If I just merge that rum and coke.

Speaker 6 Doctor Edgeworth, she's all yours.

Speaker 6 It's better not to wake him.

Speaker 8 I'm not a doctor. I am a free

Speaker 8 man.

Speaker 3 Whilst Georgie made for the hall to fix a belated rum and coke, Antigone and Eric were analyzing the familiar arm sticking out from amongst the rubble.

Speaker 8 So

Speaker 5 that's the end of Jerry.

Speaker 5 Crushed by his own cave-in.

Speaker 10 Are they sure it's him?

Speaker 5 See the large callus on his thumb and the heel of his palm. That's a needing hand.

Speaker 10 He doesn't need much anymore.

Speaker 10 Oh, yes, he's a baker. Sorry.

Speaker 5 He was a violent monomaniac, and he manipulated my brother. But I'm still sorry he's dead.

Speaker 5 Stupid, isn't it?

Speaker 10 Got to accept death in our line of work.

Speaker 5 Of course, I accept it.

Speaker 5 I just don't like it.

Speaker 10 Never have.

Speaker 10 Seems he was reaching out for something as he died.

Speaker 8 Oh!

Speaker 8 Look at this.

Speaker 5 Desmond Desmond's secret illegal reserve. Happy birthday, Lady Templar.
30 again, is it? Ha ha. Oh, sorry, that may have been offensive.
Love mayor.

Speaker 10 Moonshine. That cheeky old mayor.

Speaker 8 Ah, oh.

Speaker 10 I think drinking it might send us blind.

Speaker 5 But I'll bet you it's loaded with methanol.

Speaker 10 Very useful if you've got an arm to embalm.

Speaker 10 A job for a pair of undertakers, wouldn't you say?

Speaker 5 I suppose nobody else can hold a service for him.

Speaker 10 I think I've got something to inject this with, too.

Speaker 10 Let's see.

Speaker 10 My journal, a compass, a couple of passports.

Speaker 5 What's in that flask?

Speaker 10 Holy water.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 10 No, it's Perrier.

Speaker 8 Ah, here we go.

Speaker 10 Portable Embalmer's friend. Syringe, cotton pads, car sickness tablets.
Never leave the house without it.

Speaker 5 Very impressive. Pass it over.

Speaker 5 Full dose of the mayor's reserve. You'd better get speaking, haven't you?

Speaker 8 Oh, uh, yes. Well.
Come on, come on. All right.

Speaker 10 Farewell, Jerry.

Speaker 10 Despite your anger management problems and your recent attempt to kill me, we hope that you now find the peace you so evidently needed, which murder sadly, well, happily, was not able to provide.

Speaker 10 Unless we starve to death, in which case, top job.

Speaker 5 Apply fluid to subject.

Speaker 5 And may your God be with you.

Speaker 5 May not be much, Jerry, but at least you'll have a presentable forearm wherever you're going.

Speaker 10 You know, considering we had no resources and no warning and no genuine affection for the deceased, I think we gave him a pretty good send-off.

Speaker 5 Front page news, Eric Chapman leads successful funeral.

Speaker 10 Antigone fun, brilliant once again.

Speaker 5 Yes, well.

Speaker 5 Should I shut up?

Speaker 5 Come on.

Speaker 8 You know you are. You're an artisan.
I wonder when we'll get out of here.

Speaker 10 Remember Mr. Noggin's funeral? Nobody else could have done that.
And then there's your scented embalming fluids. And those chocolates you designed.
Don't tell me you like them. Done like them.

Speaker 10 They're amazing. Beautiful, in fact.

Speaker 10 An acquired taste, maybe. But then again, I once had to live off scorpion meat in the Mojave Desert for six days, days, so what do I know? Uh, you should probably forget that.
You

Speaker 7 bought my chocolates.

Speaker 10 Had to fight for it, mind you. Agatha did say something about having the remaining stock destroyed in a controlled explosion, but I managed to talk around.

Speaker 8 Well, I'm well, I.

Speaker 5 I suppose I should say lots of positive things about you then. You don't have to.
Why? Because you know you're fantastic.

Speaker 10 Yep.

Speaker 10 Doesn't get us out of this pickle, though, does it?

Speaker 5 They've probably forgotten all about us up there.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 10 Bet they're in a right old panic. Calling out the SAS, Interpol, MI5.
Which could be awkward.

Speaker 8 Uh.

Speaker 8 My phone.

Speaker 6 Low battery.

Speaker 8 Ye yes.

Speaker 10 Which will mean uh

Speaker 10 no more light.

Speaker 5 I'd rather die in the dark.

Speaker 5 At least then you don't know when it's happened.

Speaker 5 I've given it a lot of thought.

Speaker 10 We'll be fine.

Speaker 10 Really.

Speaker 10 Just fine.

Speaker 8 Chapman? Yep.

Speaker 10 Getting a bit chilly, isn't it?

Speaker 5 It must be getting late.

Speaker 10 Well, I know a few survival tactics. If they don't find us by nightfall, we'll have to huddle together for warmth.

Speaker 10 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Speaker 3 Though they didn't know it, help was on its way.

Speaker 8 It seems the reporters have wandered off from Stoyle. Yes, River.
I think they lost interest. Probably making a beeline for the post office.
I hear Mrs.

Speaker 8 Lemkoff has a bunion in the shape of David Niven. How peculiar.
I've heard Douglas Fairbanks. Oh.
Either way, it's got a moustache. How's Rodhard getting on?

Speaker 8 Up to depression, I think. One stage to go.

Speaker 3 Look, Reverend, this Crusoe's coming.

Speaker 8 Yes, am I, bro?

Speaker 8 Way she! Wee!

Speaker 8 Steady on!

Speaker 6 Thought we could do with a bit of speed and efficiency?

Speaker 8 Nigel, Nigel, we must get one of these.

Speaker 8 Whack it on the Christmas list. Miss Crusoe, did you find the maps you needed?

Speaker 6 Right here. We need to find the tunnel that gets us into that mineshaft.

Speaker 8 Let's see. There's Smuggler's Cove and the Sodbury family crypt.

Speaker 3 Oops.

Speaker 8 We probably should have put him in there.

Speaker 6 Hey, what are these? All these straight, even tunnels and large chambers all linked together. Those can't be natural.

Speaker 8 Of course, the old military complex.

Speaker 11 I didn't think we had a military presence on Pifling.

Speaker 8 Well, uh,

Speaker 8 no, those tunnels were going to be part of a military hospital excavated in the early 1940s by, um, well, a handful of pipling residents who were um sympathetic to certain other countries who might have shown an interest in occupying the island at one point oh that's difficult so they wanted to build them an underground hospital next to a large uranium deposit i said they were sympathetic not considerate hey look one of the tunnels runs parallel to the mine shaft Right next to Crankenhouse Statson Drive.

Speaker 6 Not so loud. If we can get in, we could dig through it in no time.
And it looks like the best way into the base is Smuggler's Cove.

Speaker 8 It's not far, but the sun's going down. If we don't get in there pretty quick, they'll freeze to death.

Speaker 6 That's not gonna happen, Reverend, because I'm gonna bring them back alive. Look after Rudyard for me! No problem!

Speaker 8 Why won't these rocks go away?

Speaker 3 Could the rescue mission reach Antigone and Eric in time?

Speaker 3 In the depths of the mineshaft, the temperature was dropping, as were their hopes of escape.

Speaker 10 Not long till the lights go out.

Speaker 5 You know, if you weren't down here with me, they'd never have noticed I was missing in the first place.

Speaker 10 Come on, that's not true.

Speaker 5 I once got trapped under a body, Mr. Pressberger, three-time winner of the local stockiest man competition.
Nobody came down to check on me for three days.

Speaker 10 How did you survive?

Speaker 5 I subsisted on bitterness.

Speaker 8 Hmm.

Speaker 10 Reminds me of the time I was mountaineering in South America.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 5 Now, go on.

Speaker 10 I was halfway up back on Kagua when I slipped and fell into a crevasse. My arm got trapped in the rocks.
I couldn't even move. It was agony.
I was hanging on for dear life.

Speaker 10 And in my mind, the dark thought.

Speaker 10 It was either lose the arm and fall to my death, or stay there and waste away.

Speaker 10 What happened?

Speaker 10 Oh, another mountaineer passed by and helped me up.

Speaker 5 Of course they did.

Speaker 10 There was a hospital around the corner with a sauna, where diamonds were used as cheap currency.

Speaker 5 How do you do it?

Speaker 8 Do what? Do all of it?

Speaker 5 You've been everywhere, done everything.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 10 But at what cost? Chat money!

Speaker 5 And you keep grabbing people's attention all the time, like the eyes of the world are upon you, and you thrive on it.

Speaker 10 Well, nothing ventured.

Speaker 5 It's just so

Speaker 5 alien to me. Don't make an exhibition of yourself, my parents said.
You don't want to look a fool.

Speaker 5 You know, they took us to the circus once. As a birthday treat.

Speaker 5 Six years old.

Speaker 5 I mean, Brudo didn't want to come. He wanted to stay at home with his electric train set.

Speaker 5 He kept saying the service would break down if he wasn't there. He got incredibly anxious about that train set.

Speaker 10 But you did go, in the end?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 5 I didn't like it at first.

Speaker 5 I've been looking forward to it all day, punching Rajad in the arm whenever he complained, but once we got there, I just couldn't get excited about tightrope walking and lion taming.

Speaker 10 Yes, I always find lion-tamings more fun to do than to watch.

Speaker 5 Everyone else was applauding and gasping, and I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Speaker 5 And then,

Speaker 5 just at the end,

Speaker 5 they brought on the clowns.

Speaker 10 You like the clowns?

Speaker 5 One in particular, Bijou.

Speaker 5 Dressed all in white, except for this big red nose.

Speaker 5 And she tumbled and flipped and caught buckets of water in the face. Just thriving on doing whatever she liked.

Speaker 5 My parents didn't approve, and Rajard kept shouting, For the love of God, can we all be serious about this for a minute?

Speaker 5 But I couldn't stop watching her.

Speaker 5 It was the happiest night of my life.

Speaker 10 Surprised you didn't try and follow in her footsteps.

Speaker 5 I tried,

Speaker 5 I was stopped.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 5 she was so charismatic and free, and

Speaker 5 I wanted to be just like her.

Speaker 5 I'd give anything to see Bijou again.

Speaker 8 How about next week?

Speaker 5 That isn't funny.

Speaker 10 No, I mean it.

Speaker 10 If it's the traveling circus you're talking about, they're still touring.

Speaker 10 Really? They never stopped. They just travel from one end of the island and back again.
It's something to do with arts funding. I don't know.
But Bijou's still there. And performing.

Speaker 5 The things you miss when you spend 17 years in a mortuary.

Speaker 8 Why don't we go?

Speaker 5 Together.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 10 If we ever make make it out of here alive, I mean.

Speaker 3 You don't need to humor me.

Speaker 10 I'm not.

Speaker 10 I'd love to meet the person who can make Antigone fun laugh.

Speaker 10 Besides, I haven't been to a decent circus in ages.

Speaker 8 Ah.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 10 That's bad. No battery.
And no light. Great.
Great.

Speaker 8 Oh, great. Okay.
That's great.

Speaker 10 Antigone, are you still there?

Speaker 5 Of course I am, though. There's nowhere to go.
Thank you.

Speaker 10 It's.

Speaker 10 this is gonna sound

Speaker 10 I'm afraid I'm not terribly altogether.

Speaker 5 You're scared of the dark.

Speaker 8 No, no, it's.

Speaker 10 it's just not knowing what's up and what's down and how far it all is. It's it's really that

Speaker 10 that's what it all is.

Speaker 5 Just breathe.

Speaker 8 Try and relax.

Speaker 10 It's really hard to do that.

Speaker 5 You're fine. I can see you.

Speaker 10 Can you?

Speaker 5 Yes. All those years in a mortuary, you adapt.

Speaker 8 Well,

Speaker 10 how do I look?

Speaker 10 I could

Speaker 7 hold your hand

Speaker 5 if you like.

Speaker 8 Sorry?

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 5 if it would help you

Speaker 5 at all.

Speaker 10 Sure. Sure, no, please.

Speaker 10 Happy to try it.

Speaker 10 Right.

Speaker 10 I'm

Speaker 10 holding my hand out. I know.

Speaker 5 I can see it.

Speaker 5 I'm taking your hand now.

Speaker 8 Antigone? Antigone?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 8 Thanks.

Speaker 10 That really does make it better.

Speaker 10 Teamwork, eh?

Speaker 8 Antigone?

Speaker 10 Antigone, what?

Speaker 10 What's that sound?

Speaker 5 What's what sound?

Speaker 10 There's no sound this team. No, no, no, there's something coming from.

Speaker 10 Antigone!

Speaker 10 Eric?

Speaker 10 Is anyone there?

Speaker 8 What who on earth in the nail trifle was we want?

Speaker 8 Um.

Speaker 10 Yes, we're here.

Speaker 4 The day was saved.

Speaker 3 Having prized Antigone's hand away from Eric's, Georgie led them through the tunnel network and outside into the cool night air.

Speaker 3 But mice have an instinct for unfinished business, and I could tell that things weren't over yet.

Speaker 3 Look, there they are! They're saved!

Speaker 6 Told you, I'm great at bringing people back alive.

Speaker 8 No bones broken, Eric. If you sue us, I'll be quite understanding.
Though, bankrupt.

Speaker 10 It's okay, my dignity is bruised. That's all.

Speaker 8 Antigone? Why can't people leave well alone? What was that?

Speaker 5 I said, yes, sir. Well done, Georgie.
Big help.

Speaker 8 Thanks. You must all have quite the story to tell.

Speaker 6 Let's just say, I've seen a lot of tunnels with some very striking insignia on them. And let's never speak of it again.

Speaker 8 Here, here!

Speaker 10 Hey, where's Rudyard been during all this?

Speaker 8 No, now look. Here, I think it's.

Speaker 8 Yes, it's acceptance! I'm accepting it now.

Speaker 6 Rudyard, there's nothing to accept.

Speaker 5 Look at us, we're fine.

Speaker 8 Don't be ridiculous, Antigone. Your dad's down in mineshaft, and that's okay.
Poor fellow's exhausted. He should really put that pickaxe down before he.

Speaker 8 Hurts himself. For what?

Speaker 8 Oh, full acceptance was the nice bit.

Speaker 6 Oh, hang on, sir. I'm coming.

Speaker 8 Catch you for this chap, boy. How is it my.

Speaker 10 Never mind.

Speaker 7 I had better help take him to Dr. Edgware.

Speaker 8 Eric, Mr. Marlow's here and wants an interview.
Shall we all go for an Indian? Pop a doms are on me, Eric boy. I'll catch you up.

Speaker 10 Antigone, wait.

Speaker 8 What happened?

Speaker 10 In the mineshaft?

Speaker 10 That was important.

Speaker 10 You

Speaker 10 thought so. It meant something back there.

Speaker 8 Couldn't you feel it?

Speaker 8 Well, I...

Speaker 8 Maybe I...

Speaker 10 What's happening? Antigone, I.

Speaker 10 I want you.

Speaker 10 I've not finished. I want you

Speaker 10 to come and work with me.

Speaker 5 Do what?

Speaker 10 Jerry's funeral. The two of us, side by side.
It really got me thinking.

Speaker 10 You and I could run a funeral parlour with twice the potential of Chapman's, and five times the potential of fun funerals.

Speaker 5 What do you mean, five times the potential?

Speaker 10 Look, you and me working together, running our own funeral parlour.

Speaker 8 It could work.

Speaker 10 I know it's a lot to think about, but I'm just

Speaker 10 please think about it.

Speaker 6 Rudyard, stop moving. You'll break your ankle.
Oh, my ankle.

Speaker 5 All right, Chapman, I'll

Speaker 5 think about it.

Speaker 10 I'll see you next week at the circus.

Speaker 1 Enjoy yourself.

Speaker 5 The two of us

Speaker 5 together.

Speaker 5 Oh, bloody, bloody hell.

Speaker 8 Georgie, you're not helping.

Speaker 6 Stop writhing in agony.

Speaker 8 Go!

Speaker 3 As Rudyard writhed and Georgie fussed, neither knew that Antigone faced a decision that could quite permanently spell the end of fun funerals as we knew it.

Speaker 4 Undertaker's Underground was written by David K.

Speaker 4 Barnes and Tom Crowley and was performed by Felix Trench as Ruddyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Hera Baxendale as Georgie, Sean Baker as The Mayor, Andy Seekham as Reverend Wavering, Alison Skilbeck as Agatha Doyle, Elma Calpine as Marjorie, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, Alana Ross as Jennifer Delacroix, David K.

Speaker 4 Barnes as Dr. Edgware, and Belinda Lang as Madeline, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin.
Original music composed by James Whittle.

Speaker 4 The programme was recorded at the Art Space Studios by Tom Guillieron and is directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.

Speaker 9 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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