Brazil w/ Jim Norton | You Be Trippin with Ari Shaffir

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Where you been and where you going?

This is Ari's travel show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you'll be trippin', yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to UB Tripping.

It's a travel podcast.

It's me and a guest go to some

place

across the globe.

It's

never taken a single dollar from ISIS.

We are on the record with that.

The guest today is a new special out, domesticated animal, Jim Norton.

Hi, Ari.

We're going to Brazil.

You're going to tell me about Brazil?

I would love to discuss that.

That's what I want to hear.

Buddy, when I was a two-year comic and I read this blog that you guys wrote after, or you wrote after you got back, I was just like, I think I might stick in this it was great it was uh i went with uh patrice i went with keith robinson bobby kelly voss went once jason steinberg and his brother um and you know we went down there because i was tough crowd had just i think just ended so uh or we were in between seasons so i was a little depressed and man it was uh it was it was a trip just to try to meet girls and were you going celebrating i wouldn't say celebrating um it was more to see like just to do something different i had never traveled like that before i'm going with my friends was then you said you're going with your idiot friends yeah there was one dude we went with whose name i can't say because he still doesn't want people to know he was there that's the problem with the hooker story

yeah yeah

someone i'm with will never be okay with just talk around it all right yeah well he's black he's from philadelphia and he had a stroke uh

no keith doesn't care uh it was it was uh

Yeah, this trip is not a lot of walkers left.

It was another guy, and he made out with every fucking girl he met.

It was so crazy that we we would see him and he would be deeply, passionately kissing girls in the brothel, girls that he met outside.

Every time you saw him, he was deeply in love and I mean really kissing somebody.

So that's kind of my best memory of that trip.

It's so gross to kiss a hooker.

I've done it too.

I've done it.

We've all done it, but it's just like, it seems wrong.

He was doing it in the street, like just girls that he would talk to that liked him because he was American.

It was crazy.

It really was a little bizarre.

So you went there for the, It's funny that you went there with also like it's funny, but straight-edged Bobby Kelly, who's never going to fucking partake with any of that.

I'm not sure what Bobby Kelly you're talking about.

Bobby Kelly, I know, fucking ran through those brothels with his.

Wait, really?

Was it before?

Oh, yes.

This is 2003.

Yeah, at least I think he did.

I don't know if he was with his girl this.

Well, what kind of stuff?

Maybe he was

out of what we know.

Yeah.

Hey, Bobby, I need a timeline real quick.

God damn it.

Anyway, this happened in 1997, apparently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In the late 80s, we went.

went.

It was great.

How did you hear about it?

Who led the trip?

Jason Steinberg booked everything.

And I remember

we paid coach, and then I was trying to upgrade to fly first.

And then we flew through Sao Paulo and into Brazil.

And Jason booked everything.

Steinberg was very good because, as you know, Jason Steinberg really likes to, he likes to make a dollar go far.

He's known for that.

He's very, very good.

But he's good with coupons and he's good with like figuring out the best deal.

So Jason made it all work.

He hooked up the hotels.

He did everything.

How was the hotels?

How were they?

We stayed in the Rio Othon Palace, which was on

in Rio?

In Rio de Para.

Okay.

Sam Hollow was just where we landed.

I actually want to go back there.

Yeah, me too.

Thank God I wasn't.

I liked trans girls back then, but I wasn't really hooking up regularly.

And man, would I have been in deep trouble if I was in Brazil?

Do they have?

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

It's the fucking...

Thank God a lot of them can't get into the U.S.

because I would be in deep, deep trouble.

I would be fucking, I'd be fucking mainlining prep.

Okay, so tell me about hooker.

I don't know how do you even get them.

And also, was this a hooker trip or is it like a trip with hookers?

It was kind of both.

Like, you want to go down there, like, yeah, we're going to get laid.

But it was also just to hang with my friends.

Like, that was the fun part of it, was hanging with those guys.

And me and Keith were going to fucking

to the pharmacy and buy 100 milligram Viagras every night and just doing 100 milligram Viagras and then just like you fucking three and four girls, you're not coming.

You have a headache.

Your face is flushed.

You get that pounding right here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The blue streets.

What is this?

But it was fun just to go out to eat with those guys and like, and you had to be careful because it was kind of dangerous.

Like, there's certain, there's one night we were coming back and it's one of the three trips.

We were staying at the Rio Othon Palace for the first two trips.

And right next to it across the street was a club named Help.

And that was where a lot of working girls hung out.

But it was just like a dance club.

And it was maybe a 35 or 40 second walk.

But between that and the one block you had to walk, it's Rio at night.

And it was actually

like nerve-wracking to walk that one block.

Like, you got to be really careful down there because there's a lot of little kids trying to ask for money, and you got to watch it with jewelry.

But they're being watched by older kids.

So, like, if you're a dick to one of them,

like, this one little kid can't.

You got to take a wallet out, I bet.

They'd be like, oh, you got to be very careful, yeah.

But you don't carry your phone.

You don't carry a good watch.

I had like a fucking cheap watch on.

Like, you don't wear good stuff down there.

And there's this one little kid.

What was his name?

Arjun.

I forget his name, but Patrice took a liking to him.

He would always give him money.

The kid would come around to this

little cafe we would eat at every day, which was between

dance club and the hotel.

And so Patrice kind of looked out for him.

He felt bad for this kid.

He was poor.

We would give him money, you know.

And then

Patrice saw him giving an older kid the money.

And Patrice goes, oh, this fucking guy is just working me to get money for this older kid.

Or the older kids.

So the next time he comes, Patrice is like, no, I'm not giving you.

And he points to the guy.

He's like, I'm not giving that guy.

So the guy confronted us outside the club one night.

It was really bizarre.

And he was speaking Portuguese.

And he wanted to shake our hands.

And he spit in his hand and tried to shake Patrice's hand.

And Patrice was like, no, fuck that.

I'm not shaking your hand.

And the guy started to call people over,

but there was a security guy outside who was like a guy from Rio who I think knew the lay of the land and he made sure that we got back across the street to the hotel.

But it was one of those weird moments where you're like, yeah, things could go really bad here, even in this small space

that we have to go.

I'll never forget him spitting in his hand.

What was that?

It's not like to demean you or was that like a brotherhood thing?

No, it wasn't a good thing.

It was was like he was just saying fuck you to Patrice.

He didn't like him because Patrice called, you know, Patrice called out people who spoke English and Portuguese.

You know how he was.

He didn't give a shit.

He was a cunt to everybody.

He really was.

He really did not.

But he was kind of right about this guy because he was such a, he had a, he was like a big, you know, like a really, like for small animals and kids.

Like he was a sucker for shit like that.

So him giving money to this kid, he felt really bad for this kid and he really liked this kid and was like so sad for his, like the kid was in poverty.

It is disgusting there.

When you see some kid, you're just like, ugh.

Yeah, and then you're like, I never had to deal with that.

I never had to deal with that.

And I felt, I felt, I didn't even really want to fuck that much.

Like, I'm a fall in love guy.

Like, and this, me and Keith had been.

With hookers?

Anybody.

Yeah, I always love hookers.

Like, I never wanted to treat hookers badly.

Like, I never treat them like abusive.

Like, I'm the fall in love idiot.

I'm a punch and run.

Are you really?

Yeah.

Punch once and leave.

Don't even fuck.

Yeah, man.

I like to exchange information.

I only wanted a girl who spoke English.

And I didn't.

Oh, the one girl, Fabiana.

You remember their names?

Oh, yeah.

Fabiana was her name.

It was one of the trips, and I wound up spending the whole week with her, and I didn't fuck her.

Because I'm such a pervert.

For me, it's sex and love are separate.

So.

So once you liked her?

Yeah, I just kind of fell in love with her, and I was hoping to move her back to the States.

Like,

I was an idiot.

And she's probably like, what is it?

Was she policing you?

No, she didn't.

I mean, she would have fucked me.

I mean, it wasn't like she wouldn't have, but she was just kind of following my lead.

Yeah.

And I've tried, I've had a lot of sex where I wasn't in the mood to have sex, but I thought you're supposed to have sex, so you do it.

But then we would go to

the brothels at night.

It's called a thermos, I think.

The Monte Carlo is the big one.

I just found a picture of me, Jason,

I think Patrice outside the Monte Carlo.

And that's where you would go.

Oh, you got to send me that picture.

Yeah, I might have it.

I have a picture of it.

I put it in my book.

It was in the.

Patrice did bring a big

bag of glass dildos.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

We gotta get to that.

That's what I want to know.

I want to get immediately to it, or I want to be like, How much are these hookers?

Can we just talk about pricing and stuff and how it works?

You walk in, like, what is it?

What's it?

You're right, I forget that.

You'd walk in.

This is like when you talk to porn stars, and like my long-distance squirt record was this.

You're like, hey, you're so far past.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're correct.

You walk in, and it's been many, many years.

But you walk in, and you could pay with a credit card.

There's no money exchanged in the actual brothel.

Like, this is how you, like, you see, you know, all the girls are 18.

You know what I mean?

All the girls, it's like an establishment that they work in.

The local cops go there.

Like,

and you leave a credit card and they give you like a bracelet.

It's like a spa

where there's a downstairs locker room.

The second

locker room to put your stuff.

The second floor was like a dance club where you could buy drinks and they would, you know, like they would swipe your number or whatever.

No matter what.

You don't have to have.

Why don't you have your credit card on you?

No, it's all in the locker.

I think it's for safety.

It's also, it's for the safety.

It's to make, I think it's for the brothel owners to make sure that everything's getting paid for.

And it's also, I think,

just to keep it all cleaner.

They charge a credit card at the end.

Are you in regular clothes or are you in a robe or something?

Oh, you change in the locker room into a robe.

They give you a robe.

It's like a spot, a robe and slippers, and you go up up to this dance club.

It's nice.

Do you get to keep the slippers?

You didn't?

You might have been able to if you asked, but I got rid of them fast.

And that's not a floor that you want to bring back with you.

And it's.

You don't want to pick up your gum off the floor.

You have to go to Sal's house.

Where's this going?

You don't want to know.

So you change into, and you go up to the second floor, which is the dance club.

They're playing dance music, and there's the beautiful girls.

They all work at the club.

And you can hang out and talk to them.

And we would hang out and talk.

And they would come up, like a strip club almost.

Or you could just hang out and talk to your friends and drink a Diet Coke.

I think there was no liquor.

Are they bugging you?

Like a strip club?

They're constantly coming up?

No.

No, but there was plenty of them.

And after a few trips, you start to recognize them and go, Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fuck her tomorrow if I can.

And it was uh and then you'd go up to the third floor and have sex and they would just take the the band number and write it down.

And that's how you got charged at the end.

No cash exchanged.

Um unless you paid cash at the very end.

And by the way, I did come back from the States and I found out that on my credit card I got charged $1,500 in Brazilian lumber.

So I guess that they abused the credit card.

Oh, really?

Is that it right there?

I don't remember.

It looks like it.

If that's the inside of the terminus Monte Carlo, yeah, I guess that's it.

It's been over 20 years since I've been in there.

But yeah, you would just sit there and you would talk at the bar.

I thought you'd sit at the chairs and the girls would dance.

So the girls would just come up like here and just like talk.

Yeah, and sit there.

I have a vague memory of it

on the inside.

No pictures.

What is before cell phones, pictures, cameras?

Yeah, this was was 2003 and four.

Patrice went back with Vaughn many times.

He went like 10 times with his groups.

He loved it.

Oh, yeah, they would have like threesomes down there and pick up girls together and hang out.

Like, he, Patrice loved it down there.

You just see the moment on my face when some female is elevated.

Is that just Vaughn?

It was just like, whatever that look was, was more respect for him.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She was a fucker.

She was a trooper.

Wow.

Guys, let me break in to tell you about Jim Norton.

He is one of the the preeminent stand-up comics in this country for the last decade and probably two decades.

He was the first one to put me on television.

He put me on his show Down and Dirty with Jim Norton.

I took my dick out, got everyone in trouble, and Jim stood up for me.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

They went home that night saying, you got to leave your clothes here, you got to change and come back, we got to refilm because we couldn't cut around you because you left your pants down on the exit, which was on purpose, by the way.

They thought it was an accident.

And then overnight, Jim was fighting with him.

I said, are you crazy?

This is just evening the improv.

You don't put that in.

Our show is called Down and Dirty.

It's a filth show.

Of course, we're going to leave that dick out.

He fought for me.

He was the first one to ever fight for me for stand-up, to be honest.

To be quite honest.

No, Norton.

Rogan took me in the road by that.

But he is the first one to put me on television.

HBO, never been back.

And he's got a new special out called Unconceivable.

It's on his YouTube page right now,

at Jim Norton Comedy.

Go there right now.

There'll be a link at the bottom of this.

If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on Spotify, there'll be a link to his special.

Go to it and watch one of the preeminent comics in the country.

He's great.

He's hilarious, and he's finally making his foray into the number one stand-up comedy platform in the world, youtube.com.

I'm excited for him.

Also, if you're there on YouTube or on Spotify, click

subscribe to this.

And if you're on YouTube, click subscribe and hit that bell button to be notified of new episodes.

So everyone will come.

This is a great one.

He's a mensch.

Jim Norton's a mench, and I understand the irony of calling someone a mensch while they're doing a podcast about getting hookers in Rio with dead black men.

He's also on the road.

He's going to be in London at the O2 Forum, Manchester, Birmingham, Montreal, Quebec, Ottawa.

That's a hooker town.

Toronto, Las Vegas.

This is all the way through July.

Las Vegas again at the Wise Guys.

Nice.

Magoobies

outside Baltimore.

Dallas, Dallas, Fort Worth, Asheville, North Carolina, Charlotte, North Carolina, Duluth, Georgia, Fargo, North Dakota, Bakersfield, California, San Diego,

Rochester, New York, and much, much more.

Dude, Denver, the comedy works.

October.

Go to jimnorton.com slash tour for all his tour dates.

I will be in Alaska and Anchorage.

I think there's like 40 tickets left.

They will not be a show at it.

I'm just there for vacation and doing a show on June 18th.

And then I'm in

Charlestown, West Virginia, June,

July

12th.

And that's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

Also, we have a new playlist that you guys will love.

It is organized on youtube.com slash at UBTrippinpod.

It's organized by country.

So if you want to go and find out if you're about to go vacation, see if we cover it in a country, it's organized by country.

Go there, subscribe to that playlist.

So you can, or just look at it, I guess.

Either way, subscribe to the page, but I guess you don't have to subscribe to the playlist.

And then you can look.

It's all in alphabetical order.

It starts with Harlem Williams all around the world.

It goes through China.

This one will be Brazil.

I guess this will be before that.

Anyway, go to all those.

I'm Maury Shafir.

Got tons of merch stickers coming next week.

And that's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

Bye.

And I remember one of my favorite memories is I was in me and Patrice were standing up in the up in that area right there.

And I had a raging fucking Viagra rod.

And it was just, it was tenting in my robe.

And we're sitting there drinking Diet Cokes.

And we both looked down at the front of my robe.

And you could just see my fucking tent.

And we both just started laughing.

Like the ridiculousness of the moment hit us.

Like, oh my God, look where we are, what we're doing.

We're in fucking robes.

We have slippers on.

Drinking Diet Cokes.

Drinking Diet Cokes.

And we just looked at my fucking, my rod bump and just had

a grand old time laughing.

But there was some fun memories there, man.

How much were the chicks?

I don't remember.

It was probably $100.

I just, I have no memory of that.

It's been so many years.

Okay.

And I did fuck twice without a condom in that brothel.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Girl goes, you special.

You special.

You mean, you got to believe them.

I do to this day believe I was special.

Why not?

She wanted a rapidly blinking nobody from New York in a 9-11 t-shirt.

So, okay, so let's talk about Patrice and the fucking craziness.

Yeah.

He's always been that guy.

Yeah, but he's also, like, Patrice was also a sucker.

Like, he liked girl.

Like, he, for all the shit he talked, he wanted the women to have a good time.

Like, he wasn't someone that was going to come in and treat someone like a piece of shit.

Like, he brought in dildos because he wanted them to have an orgasm if they could.

Like, and he felt that he wouldn't be able to fuck them well enough

to get them off.

So, he would,

we watched him.

He wanted to get them off.

I really wanted to get them off.

I watched him do it.

We were in a hotel, and I have a picture of that, too.

There was a girl who he had seen before, and he was very lovingly working a dildo on her, and she squirted.

Like, he got her to squirt.

We were in awe.

Like,

I guess it wasn't taken as seriously.

Like, it was a kind of a fun vibe.

Like, you would hang out and you would see these women at the,

again, at, I forget the name of the little cafe we ate at between the Rio Othon Palace and Help, which Help is no longer there.

I don't think it was.

Okay.

I think it was,

oh, fuck.

I can't remember it.

But

you would see them the next day milling about and hanging in the, that was just the area they worked.

So you kind of got to know people, especially by your second and your third trip down.

It was the same people a lot of times.

So, you know, one of them who you've been talking to for, you know, there was one time you wouldn't hook up with somebody and you'd see Martin the next trip and go, oh, hey, and then she'd come back to the hotel.

But you could only have one girl a night in the hotel.

And to bring them back.

Yes.

The hotel's rules.

Yes.

And they had to have ID.

So this way you know the age is appropriate and you know that who they really are.

And so they fuck some shit up.

You'd be like, hey.

Yeah.

And it's also, I'm sure it might be for their sake.

You're allowed to bring the girls back to the hotel.

But one a night,

and she has to leave in the morning, I think.

And you get it from the brothel.

Like, hey, can I, Is it like a brother?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You couldn't do it from there.

These are women that you'd meet out and about.

Everybody's a hooker?

No, but you in that place they were like in the club, they were, and they'd approach you.

There's plenty that weren't, but the ones that were would have anyone who walks up to me and starts talking to me is a hooker.

That's how that's how my rule for Vegas hookers.

Where it's like, first of all, if they're dressed for prom

on a Tuesday in Vegas, and if you go hi, if they go high back, that's a hook.

That's exactly the test.

Yeah, I smile, and if she doesn't

fucking blow a snot rocket, she's a prostitute.

So we would.

Oh, you give the, the girl would give the ID.

Yeah.

And the guy would hold the ID.

And it was to protect a hotel guest from getting robbed.

But I liked it.

Even though I, unless you registered her, then she could stay with you.

Like, if you registered her there, she could stay with you.

She was a guest.

Yeah.

But I think that if she was just coming in as a guest, and not pre-registered or not registered.

You brought chicks back?

If I'll be honest, I kept, I brought her back every day.

Wow.

But she had a kid, so I think she had to go home all the time, like the next morning.

But yeah, I think there's a couple I brought back.

You were with a Brazilian hooker mom.

Yeah, I mean, hey, I didn't care.

I would have married her.

At that point, I'm glad it didn't happen because she spoke perfect English.

I think I have a picture of her, too.

I'll try to find a couple of them and show you.

I have one of me and Patrice, which I put in my book because I called him Dr.

Dildo because of the way he worked the dildo.

And I have a picture of he and I in the

brothel together and we both just look like we've been fucking like Patrice is like he's like put doing something tying his shoe and I think I'm wearing a robe and we're just kind of I got my hand on his shoulder we're obviously in a locker room of a whorehouse.

It was fun.

It was fun.

It was but hanging with those guys was the most fun.

That was the fun part of it.

Did you have like did you challenge each other like the which ones to go after or were you like no what did you think of that one?

I'm going for that one.

I think Bobby fell in love with one girl.

He was like buying a girl like he bought a girl panties and was being and keith is such a piece of shit that keith when bobby went up to the room to get something keith took the girl and and he goes come with me uh and he made her fuck in the panties that bobby bought her

he's such a piece of

you can have anyone

that was the one he wanted right by and me and keith had a big argument because i was uh i think this was the third trip we stayed in a Sheraton down the street.

You kept going.

You do this a lot.

I went three times.

And we didn't, they didn't, everyone didn't come every time.

But me, Patrice, and Keith were every time.

And we stayed at the Sheraton.

It was right under the hills where the favelas were.

And we were arguing because I would fall, like I said, fall in love and I would like these girls.

And Keith got so annoyed.

And we were just arguing about it.

And Patrice was a good argument mediator.

Patrice was, yeah, surprisingly.

He'd start him all the time.

What's that?

Which is funny, he was he was the worst guy to argue with.

But if you were arguing with somebody, he was always a good point.

That's a good point.

Hold on, I'll let him speak.

Yeah, no, but what he's doing, like, and he was pointing out to Keith, like, we all have our own fantasy down here.

Wow.

Your fantasy is to be a guy that they fuck.

Norton's fantasy is to find love.

Like, yeah, we, everyone has their thing, and you're breaking, you're ruining their matrix or whatever you want to call it by kind of calling it out.

Um, but yeah, he was a good mediator in arguments, despite being a very argumentative person.

Dark.

Um,

what did you eat when you were there?

Just, I had a lot of grilled chicken while I was down there.

It was uh, the food was great, food is good there, huh?

But I got sick one time coming back, I started to feel it the morning we were flying back, and they call it the crud.

You get like the crud.

Again, I did do some kissing while I was there, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't eat more than that.

What's the crud?

It's like a bad flu, and I felt like I was going to pass out or vomit on the line to get through customs coming back.

And I'm like, oh, fuck, I hope I make the flight.

I was feeling really lousy.

I'm like, yeah, that's the crud.

You got to take penicillin.

I don't know if I got anything or not.

I didn't feel like my dick didn't hurt, but I just felt like they said the flu or something.

Kissing chicks who had blown 40 dudes that day.

Yeah, I mean, that's the way you could look at it that way.

Sure.

At the moment, you're not necessarily thinking of that.

You're thinking of like, well, I'm special.

But yeah, you could look at it like she just blew 30 guys.

But everyone gets it down there because you're in a brothel and everyone's interacting and there's so much.

It's in the air.

It's in the air.

Yeah.

And, you know, again, I don't know.

When you took these girls upstairs, did they stay for like a second one?

In the hotel or in the brothel?

The brothel.

I mean, not with me.

I'm not a fuck twice guy.

I did it once and it was like, I did it.

I don't know if this is my memory of it anyway.

She brought me upstairs and then it was like, okay, hang out for a minute.

And then she left and came back with a different lingerie.

Ah.

Like her fuck outfit.

And then we fucked, came quick, Bobby Lee's advice.

Don't try to last long with a hooker.

Right.

Um, and then she just kind of hung around, and I was like, What's going on?

And like, talking in broken English for like 30 minutes, and then eventually, like, all right, we'll see you.

And I'm like, and then the driver was like, Did you get a second pop?

And I'm like, Oh, no, I don't do that.

But she might have waited in case you Brazilian guys, I guess, go immediately fucking come back.

Yeah, not me.

Get the full hour, not me.

I'm, I'm like, you know, I'm one and let's chat.

Yeah, you know, I'll try to convince you to come back.

I was so pathetic when I came back to the States.

Fabiana had asked me for certain DVDs, so I was sending her like Spider-Man DVDs, and like these movie DVDs, I was mailing to fucking Brazil.

I really liked her, yeah.

She was very cute.

She had like a little,

I want to say

a little like stud or type of a tiny earring piercing here or here.

It was very cute.

She was very cute,

very attractive.

And I didn't meet her kid, and I don't know if she had a, but I imagine she had a boyfriend.

I mean, I guess girls show you what they want you to see, right?

They want to keep it in the realm of work.

Did you guys do anything like daytime, like above-board shit?

Went to malls,

stores, a lot of Brazilian steakhouses.

And there was one place we walked to from the hotel because, like I said, Jason was never big on let's spring for this.

And it was so many.

You need that guy around.

He makes the trip more affordable, but then I'll also hold it back.

Well, like, we're walking to this restaurant and like we're walking like, you know, 20 blocks.

I'm like, we're in fucking Rio at night.

What are we doing?

So we made sure we took a cab uh back but you know what i realized how treacherous that can be if you're trying to save money all the time by walking and we met this one guy there who was a guy who was a he had been going for years he was an older guy back then he was in his late 50s and he would always i kind of hated him because he was just talking about getting value and like getting you know like with the girls and getting bigger portions i just hated the way he talked when in the restaurants you get big portions and i just remember this guy and fucking I kind of hated him.

Big portions of women?

No, food.

Food.

Like going to this one because you get good value in big portions.

I just hated how he said portions and felt bad for anyone that fucked him because he's slot.

He had a very wet mouth, I remember.

Like he was one of those guys that would talk and you could just hear the soup going around in his mouth.

Yeah, he was fucking disgusting.

Those people at a casino, they sit there and they're like, scan my card for like overall points that you can get a free like buffet after two years.

Yeah, it's hatable.

And they're so, it's hatable.

It's hatable.

They're like, we're working.

I forget his name.

I think we saw him a couple times when we were down there, but he actually would get a place.

I was never caught.

I mean, I didn't speak any Portuguese, so I was, I didn't feel confident.

Yeah, how could you get by in English?

Yeah, a little bit.

I mean, again, you're negotiating sex.

So one time I was playing poker at Commerce Casino, and this old man, the professor, they called him, I think he was a professor, told me, hey, you sit on your fat wallet like that?

And I was like, yeah, all the time.

He goes, hey, it can give you really bad back pain if you do that for a while.

I was like, okay.

And he leaned in real carefully and he goes, hey, I don't think I understand.

I sat on my wallet like that and I'm in incredible back pain all the time now.

It got through to me.

Search my wallet right there.

But that thick wallet, I couldn't fit it in my front pocket.

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Ridgewellet.

Hey guys, you wouldn't go to the bathroom with the door open, would you?

Well, I would.

I'm Ari Shafir.

I'm kind of known for it.

I did it once on a private jet.

One of my rich comedian friends had a private jet, and I rode with him.

And I went to the bathroom and I left the door open.

They all screamed, and they're terrified.

One time I took a dump on stage where there was no bathroom at Skankfest, Las Vegas.

I'm not like you.

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Let's get back to the episode.

There was one time we got pulled over.

This is we were staying at the Sheraton, which was a further ride from Help, that club.

Okay.

The Rio Auton Palace you'd walk to.

We got a cab.

And getting a cab was like fucking,

it was like this Saigon clearing out.

Everybody trying to jump onto a helicopter.

Like you're trying to get into a cab and there's fucking kids all over asking money, money, money.

They were all asking for money.

It was hard to get to a taxi.

Like there was a crowd of kids because they knew that's where the tourists would go to get into taxis.

So we were going, and there was a police blockade, and they yanked all of us out of the car.

What?

Me,

we were in cabs.

And they said, never take a cab with the girl.

Always make her take a separate cab because

they had things worked out with local cops where they would throw drugs on the floor and then shake you down.

Wait, wait.

The girls would throw drugs on the floor?

Yeah, like they would, like they would have, you know, like the local cops or whatever.

Like, if you were with one of the girls and she either had drugs, maybe you'd get busted too.

She'd put it on there.

Or she'd put it on the phone.

And then the cops could shake down.

You and her, they'd let her off.

Yeah, because they knew.

Or if she had them and got in trouble, you'd get in trouble with her.

So they always said take separate taxis back.

So they pulled us over, and I remember Patrice.

You were with one?

No, different cab.

Patrice, Bobby, me, and I think the three of us were in a cab, and then the girls were in another cab.

And the cop is speaking in Portuguese, searching us.

Drugs, drugs, drugs.

He kept saying drugs.

And Bobby was trying to speak some kind of Portuguese.

And I was so, it was just so funny.

I remember Patricia was laughing at him.

And I'm like, Will you shut the fuck up?

Stop laughing.

But he was laughing at Bobby, no, like trying to sound like he was from Rio.

And I was being the indignant American, like, no, no drugs, like being almost belligerently incensed, like, just

in that way, but not just because, like, oh, this is not a guy who has anything or who's going to be shaken down.

Like, you know, again, you don't want to see.

You're going to take on a role when that's happening.

Either retarded or like that, like angry, like, I want recompense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no drugs.

Like, but it was more like

this way they know you really don't have drugs.

They're not going to get you to go to your room and take money out and give it to them.

Like, you're not an easy shakedown because you don't have any drugs.

Right.

They're looking for guys.

I mean, so many guys down there have something.

So they're looking for a guy who's got something or who might have something on hot.

You know what I mean?

If you're like...

Keeps going to his pocket.

Yeah, like you might have a fucking Coke on you or whatever.

But I didn't.

So they let us go.

They weren't letting us go.

But it is scary when you're stopped in a foreign country by the police and you know that they don't have the best reputation.

And right, they're shakedown people.

Bobby told me something about one of them getting in a cab with a hooker.

Maybe he was in a cab.

I don't remember.

And getting mad at Patrice or something because like, I told you not to do this.

Oh, it might, you know.

Or vice Oh, and you got us pulled over.

Oh, yeah, maybe that was the reason, too, is that if the cops saw you and the girl, they'd pull you over and try to bust you and get shaken down for that.

That might have been it, too.

But yeah, I don't.

If Bobby remembers, he would know.

I don't remember.

Damn.

What a trip, too.

It was fun.

Yeah, it was fun just to hang with the guys more than...

Because the sex, I don't like when there's a language barrier.

It doesn't turn me on as much.

Because to me, like, I'm such a pervert mentally.

Like, I like the dirty communication.

I like the lead up,

even more than the sex, like the woman being perverted.

Like, many times I was ritualistic.

I used to circle all night and look for hookers here in New York, but a lot of times I wouldn't even pick anybody up.

I just like.

Did you just look for them?

I just look, yeah.

And I would get caught up in the ritual and the dopamine would come.

Like, you'd see somebody, am I going to?

No, I'm not.

And then you would just.

Where do you get them here?

I don't know.

Again, this is going back to when ONA got kicked off the air, which which was 2002.

I was in such a depression, I couldn't listen to any to the church, church, yeah.

So I would ride around from like, I would do spots at the cellar, be done by 11 or 12, ride around till 5 in the morning, pissing into a plastic cup and throwing it out down by the meatpacking district.

Um, picking up once in a while.

So, you'd go like to the typical movie, like this is the block where they're at, and say, hey, how much?

I would just ride around.

Yeah, a lot of times I wouldn't, I was very, again, they had to approach on the right side of my car.

I had to make sure there were no cops around.

Sometimes I would just chat with them for a minute.

Sometimes I would.

And they'd be like, not into it.

Yeah, I would just go, like, no, the drug for me was just saying hello.

Sometimes I would just tip the girl.

Like, they would want 30 or 40 bucks.

And then sometimes I wouldn't even hook up with them.

I would just give them 20 and just go.

And we'd talk for a minute, and that'd be it.

Like, I was, you know, I was always feeling it out.

I was so fucking paranoid about getting busted.

I just didn't want to get busted.

So I was really, and the whole ritual of riding around

kind of kept the night going.

And I would listen to Joe Beningo on sports radio or Art Bell.

Do you remember Art Bell?

Art Bell rules.

I loved Art Bell.

He died, right?

He's dead now.

He lived in Perump, Nevada, I think.

He did that show for so long.

Coast to coast, yeah.

It was all about like aliens and stuff.

And it was, he was, there's nobody ever better.

And that's how I first heard of Michio Kaku, he was one of his best guests.

And he would call in.

Art Bell could do a phoner like nobody alive.

He kept you hanging on.

There was Richard C.

Hoagland, who who was the guy who thought there was a face on Mars.

There was this other guy who is, this is how long ago this was.

This is even before we got fired, because I remember that the big talk for a long time was

computers flipping at the millennium.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I remember that.

So this is actually before even ONA.

This is in the late 90s.

I was doing that because I would ride around all night listening to him talking to this guy who was saying the computers are going to reset and it's going to be a disaster.

I liked RBL because he was willing to to listen out to it.

He wasn't like, you're a kook.

He'd be like, tell me about this.

He talked to everyone.

But he would keep you holding on through commercials.

Coming back, we're going to talk about it.

And he was so, he was a fucking master, Art Bell.

And

that was what I, the only person I ever heard him not like was the amazing Kreskin because Creskin

was promising some kind of an alien sighting and got like a bunch of Art Bell's listeners somewhere.

And the whole thing was a bust and like a Kreskin work.

And Art Bell was mad.

He's like, you're fucking, like, you're doing this.

Yeah, don't do this to me on my show.

Like, so he was kind of had a falling out with Kreskin, but I loved Art Bell, man.

That got me.

And Joe Beningo, sports radio, because I could listen to it and not think of Opi and Anthony.

Like, I was so depressed.

We got kicked off the air.

I couldn't listen to Stern.

I couldn't listen to Imus.

None of that shit.

So it would just be Joe Beningo complaining about the Jets for four hours.

Sports radio is so great.

They go through that minutiae of every little type of signing or like, or like, well, three years ago, I remember a game where they did this.

I'm like, oh god third and five the defense isn't doing it you know i love when a radio guy will like was correct a caller they'd be like well no if he threw a short out he would never have gotten the first down i'm like well he's like i mean that's just

so you would just go how much are they here

how much were they here way more yeah it's been a few years man it's one of the reasons i've gotten fat is i fucking stopped acting out the way i was acting out um and i put on weight because you're on the road and it's it's very difficult to not do.

You need dopamine, right?

And so I'm not getting it from that.

I'm not getting it from that knock at the door.

That fucking knock at the door was everything when someone comes over.

When you would call one to come over.

Oh, my God.

The high was in the waiting and the knock at the door and the talking.

But that's gone.

I mean, that's like for Chinese delivery.

I can't imagine.

Yeah, that's the same thing.

Sometimes the same thing.

So she would knock at the door and

the rush.

Like, but again, without that, so I just wind up eating when I'm on the road, pretzels, and fucking, I'm trying to drop away.

I'm so mad at myself.

Anyway, they were here, I guess, anywhere from like three, five hundred, four hundred in that range, I guess.

Oh, yeah, were you fat then?

Uh, at times, I was, at times, I wasn't.

I've always fluctuated, I was way worse.

No, you went big loss.

I did, I was too skinny at one point.

Like, now I need to drop 15 or 20 now, at least.

Yeah, maybe 25.

Yeah, it's possible.

I would take a 25.

I mean, you know, between us, you know.

For this guy, you know, the way, you know.

Regular guy, Joshin.

I would,

and, and, uh, and I know, by the way, I'm not even going to tell you

some of the, like, the lines I have to promote the special because I know you're not going to like them.

Uh, but I have a couple of.

Go ahead and tell me.

I'm going to put it in the bumper anyway about the special.

I'm going to put it in like a three-minute piece.

No, no, no, I know.

But I mean, you're not going to to like the lines I have about

the cornball lines?

They're not cornball at all.

They're very good.

Jimmy Cornballs is one of my least favorite and most favorite guys.

This is what I think would be a great way to sell the special.

Okay.

Strap in because the laughs are plentiful.

I've been thinking about that since yesterday.

That's what you came up with?

Strap in because the laughs are plentiful.

Don't you hate the word plentiful?

I sure do.

And the strap in.

Strap-in is bad, too.

And also, why would they make you strap in?

They wouldn't.

And plentiful reminds me of my friend who grew up across the street from me.

I would always say the singular for pants.

He would always go, the pant.

It's a nice pant.

Like, he just learned the singularity.

It just reminds me of something he would say.

So, hookers are like,

again, when I was.

Did you ever get them in other countries?

Like when you were with Yosh?

No,

because

I was dating.

I mean, my wife, I was actually dating.

We had broken up at one point.

But

I'm working in London and Manchester with Florentine actually coming up.

We're going to see Sabbath.

Oh, their last show?

They're doing one final show with Ozzy Geezer, Bill, and Tony.

So I'm like.

In what, Liverpool or something?

It's in Birmingham.

They're from Birmingham.

And so I'm like, let's, me and Florentine are going to go.

I'm like, let's just do a few gigs, like, just to pay for the trip.

Sure.

So we'll do London and Manchester and Birmingham.

But the first time I was in London, I was with Nikki.

So she wasn't there, but I was dating her so i didn't get any hookers there which i really wanted to

yeah and canada i have i in yeah a couple of god i remember texting somebody once i didn't want to get anybody in trouble like hey where how do you get hookers here i've already done my shows i've been here a week and did they tell you they were like it's kind of out of town Really?

Yeah, that's what they said.

They were like, the brothel strip clubs are like, it's like a 30-minute drive, which I didn't have the money for then.

Yeah,

I did it in Montreal.

Yeah.

And I think I it in Toronto.

I may have.

Oh, Vancouver, too, in 1990.

I went to Seattle for a sober convention.

And then one of the things we did was go to, I mean, I was.

Relapse immediately?

88.

I was like 22.

I just started stand-up.

It was like, this was like April of 1990.

I started stand-up.

So I was probably in a stand-up like six months.

And we wound up staying in Seattle, going up to Vancouver, seeing British Columbia.

And me and this other sober guy got two hookers in an alley.

And I remember I had my last $80.

I was so broke back then and I gave one girl $60 to blow me and the other girl goes, you want to pat my bum?

And I said, yes, I do.

So she let me rub her ass while the other girl blew me standing up in an alley.

That's nice.

It was great.

Yeah.

But again, this is 35 years ago.

So prices were different.

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Did you ever take two girls at once in here

in Rio?

Did Patrice?

I think Patrice.

He was a hardy man.

I think he did.

He was a hardy man.

Two hands working it.

Did he even fuck him or did he just dildo him all?

He might have done, I, you know what?

I'm sure he did fuck, but I bet he did more dildoing because I think that a part of it for him was the whole experience of being with a pretty girl and making her feel good.

Like, I don't think he wasn't just,

you know,

like Keith, I think, was more like getting in there and fucking.

Like, he wanted to get in there.

Keith is Philly trick.

I hate it.

He's Philly Tree.

He wouldn't have cared if she was just doing a 20-minute stopover from chemo.

He would have fucked her and sent her back.

You know,

stupid.

Me and Patrice are all.

He's got his cane now.

He could have totally used it.

How did he get?

Is that a check bag or is that a carry-on?

I don't remember.

But I remember the chink-a-ink of them.

Of the glass, yeah.

That's in there.

You got to wrap those in socks.

I imagine he checked it.

No, he might have carried it on.

And I remember, I think in the picture, one of the pictures, you can see the bag.

You can't see the dildos, but he's got clothes and stuff in it, but also some glass dildos.

So he'd bring those to the to the brothel?

Yeah, it's called a big bag?

It's called pure sex addiction.

Yeah, and I remember he would have to go from the top floor all the way down to the basement to get his magic bag, because I think you weren't allowed to have it in the dance floor area.

So then it's like, hey, I'd like to see you.

Hold on, I got to grab something.

I believe so.

Yeah, I believe so.

And again,

my memory there is spotty.

But I remember that he would have to go downstairs and bring it up the stairs to get the, to bring it to the gals.

Is that when he was, now is this the Patrice when he was dressed as a child or when he was just as a McDonald's character?

Let me, that's a great question, too, because he did go through phases.

Matching Philadelphia Eagles

sports hat,

fucking pimp.

Pimp.

He went pimp for a while.

He would go through his little phases.

I would have to look at the pictures.

I believe this was starter cap and

athletic jersey.

I believe it was like starter cap.

I'd have to find the photos.

After we're done talking, I'll look through them because I might even have them.

Yeah, send me some.

I'm going to put them into the episode.

Oh, okay.

There's certain things to bleep out their faces and stuff.

Sure.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We always do that.

They'll be like, as we're showing them, people are like, oh, that guy can't be in this.

You're like, all right, well, he's not in it.

That'll be big trouble.

I told this story I was about getting a hooker with a friend of mine.

And he was like, hey, that's...

My chick's never going to understand that.

I know it was 25 years ago.

You can't ever say that again.

Oh, you said the name.

Yeah, but it was like 10 years before you met your chick.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

And he was like, I know that she's hard line on hookers.

I'm so happy that, like, I never have to worry

with my wife either.

She doesn't care.

She doesn't want me doing it now.

But I mean, about my past, she doesn't give a fuck.

She's not possessed.

It's so much easier not to have to keep track of when you were what.

I couldn't, dude.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't date somebody or be with somebody who had such an issue with that.

And I have dated someone like that.

Just for them, it was hard, you know.

So my past was always a point of shame.

And like, now it's, I just don't care at all.

You're like, my wife now will laugh at me.

Like, you're such a fucking, you're such a fucking pervert.

Have you read that John Ronson book?

John Ronson.

Is that the, oh, I think I interviewed him.

So you've been publicly shamed.

So you've been publicly shamed.

Yeah, I interviewed him for that.

Oh, really?

On a pilot for Vice, not Vice, for IFC, which did not get picked up.

We're still waiting.

This is probably 2008.

I did this pilot.

That's good.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah, I had him on here.

It's not out yet, but he's coming on.

But I remember from that book, he was like, if you don't feel shame, they can't get you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so you've been publicly.

That's the only way to not.

If you don't feel like you did anything wrong, they can't.

Yeah.

They can't do anything.

And if you talk about it,

as long as it's something you don't need to be like, like, you know what I mean?

Like, if it's just sexual stuff with consenting adults, oh, fuck yourself.

That's how Portnoy was.

Like, what, what?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, like to tie women up so much.

They wanted to be tied.

It's like, what are we talking about?

It's almost like there are people in the world who are victims and then there's a lot of people who just are open and dirty uh and want to like i've known women who were like would do stuff sexually on the side for money and i knew what their real life was yeah one woman i know came from a good amount of money her family had money like she just liked doing it she like fucking having her own life she didn't want to work or anything like i mean some people just have their own way of doing it so yeah if you talk about it and if you're not afraid of people being i don't care if people are mad about it

what do i care right Right.

Married and I got my waiting to get me fired from my podcast.

Yeah, that's a great thing, too.

That's a great thing.

There's no more like Sirius

filing her for whatever.

Sirius was pretty good.

Like, I, you know, for as much

until the end, when they decided not to negotiate, look, that's their right.

But no, that's not the end.

I meant.

What's that?

I meant the taking pictures in the street end.

Take pictures in the street.

The end of the main show.

Oh, OA.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, with Anthony.

Yes, yes.

But funny, Anthony's on ABC now.

I just did his show.

I've done it twice whenever he's in New York.

He's on ABC?

ABC Radio, 7.70 a.m.

And it was so much fun, man.

It was so much

fun because it was 8 to 11 on Sunday night.

I think they're just kind of

getting him in there and seeing how it goes.

But he's already syndicated.

Oh, really?

And I've done it the two times he's been to New York for it.

I've gone into the studio.

It's so much fun.

He's such a radio guy.

He's amazing.

He's so on it with timing and with like, he's just so on it.

He can talk about anything.

Patrice, I think, said that about him.

He was talking about Anthony and he said, Anthony can access funny faster than anybody he's ever met.

Like, and he can just grab it.

Like, I'm not a great storyteller.

Like, I tell short.

Like, Louis's a great storyteller.

Louis could tell you a two-hour story.

Jim Brewer.

is one of the greatest storytellers of all time.

Anthony can talk about a carburetor or installing air conditioning, and I'm fucking fixated and listening and then he's being funny and he's bringing it to life.

Like there's a real gift to that.

I'm not good at it.

Yeah.

Fucking Jim Brewer's doing my storytelling show again.

He did another one about playing with Billy Joel, getting called up to play with him.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And everyone's thinking it's Springsteen.

And he goes, we got a special guest.

It was like so, and he's so good at telling it.

It starts bobbing like Regan.

It's just like, oh.

Jim is very underrated.

Like, I just saw him too.

He's down in Florida.

So it was nice to have lunch when I saw him down there.

Oh, nice.

My first time meeting him.

I didn't recognize him when I saw him.

I saw him in the green room.

For sure, I know he's coming in for.

I'm like, hi, how you doing?

I was like, oh.

Yeah.

He's such a man.

Yeah.

He's an adult.

Yeah.

I met him in the early, early 90s.

It was me, him, and Keith Robinson doing a gig.

I was dating a woman who went to William Patterson College at the time.

I was like in my 20s.

And it was a place called Casey O'Tools, which was a really awful bar.

And I went up and bombed.

And Keith middled and bombed.

And then Brewer went on and fucking leveled the place.

Really?

There's nothing worse than when you bomb and the other guy bombs and the headliner kills.

And you're like, yep, it was us.

It was fucking us.

It was like one time we did.

Yeah, this crowd is, oh, they were just waiting for someone who's actually good at this job.

We did Just for Laughs years ago, and everyone bombed on the fucking, on this Just for Laughs.

It was like a filmed.

And then John Pinette went on at the end and fucking almost got a standing ovation.

Such a pro, huh?

Such a master.

And it was clean, and he hammered.

And we're like, yep, you know what doesn't have gluten bullets.

And that fucking went crazy.

And the rest of us are like, yeah, we suck.

When that first time I saw Penette, one of the only times he was, I was at the improv and at Hollywood.

And I didn't know him.

And I saw this big fat piece of shit who I, you know, I saw that this morning in the mirror.

Come on, Ari.

I'm kidding.

Cut that up.

Make that a clip and post.

Yeah, but everyone's like, you look great.

Oh my God, you've lost weight.

You look great.

And I was just like, it was the first like fake Hollywood that I remember where I'm like, what are you talking about?

This guy's clearly going to die from what he looks like.

And you're all saying it looks, I mean, was he 800 pounds yesterday?

He was giant at one point.

Yeah.

He was giant.

And then he had lost a lot the last time I saw him.

Maybe that's what it was.

You go from six to four.

That's that's plenty.

Yeah, he did.

He dropped a significant amount of weight, but he was still a big boy.

Yeah.

Is there anywhere you want to go?

You want to go to?

I want to go to Tokyo.

I want to go.

You've never been?

Never been.

I want to go so bad.

I want to go to that place and have sushi.

Giro.

What?

What is it?

With the train?

Giro.

He's in a subway station.

They say it's probably the best sushi place in the world.

It's a three-michelin star place.

Oh, yeah.

The documentary was a little boring.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi, I think it was called.

Jiro, yeah.

But the place.

In the subway.

I mean, their subways are nicer.

Yeah, it's.

You can see this.

Look how nice that is.

I was thinking of, I was the Astro Play stop.

Impossible to get in.

Really?

Yeah, that's what they say.

You have to make it reservations

months and months in advance.

But I want to see Tokyo.

How clean their subway looks.

It's immaculate.

What?

That's nutty.

I would love to go to China too.

Like, there's a couple of cities in China.

What and why?

I forget.

There's one that I see on Instagram a lot where they have like, it might be Macau.

That looks kind of like a cool place to go.

Yeah.

Hawaii, I want to go to under.

You've never been to Hawaii?

No.

Are you going to start going out of your hotel when you travel?

A little bit more now.

When I'm with Nikki, I do more.

But yeah, I don't do a whole lot.

Like, I will in England, of course.

I'll go see Bucky and Palace and I'll be with Jim.

You know, it'll be.

So you'll do stuff, do stuff.

Yeah.

But again, my sleep is so bad.

That's what all Yoshi said.

He was like,

it's like gig, hotel, leave, gig, hotel, leave.

And he's like, oh, well, I'll see you later.

I got to see Copenhagen for that.

Yeah, that's what he he does i i mean i i travel overnight and uh

again i don't sleep i'm a bad sleeper so like for me i like i get up and i'm always tired i have apnea so whatever i do want to see more though as i'm what do you want to see in china that that city that macabre there's so many cool buildings and just it just seems like a and i can't put my finger on what i liked about it but on instagram i've seen it a lot i'm like that's a place i would love to go australia australia i've been to um

uh there was a girl i met there who i regret not

we talked dirty for a long time

Yeah, they're the dirtiest.

She had such a hairy vagina and hairy pits, and she turned me on so much.

She was so raw and sexy.

Um, but we didn't, we made out a little bit, but we didn't actually hook up, and I regretted it greatly.

It's one of my great regrets.

Oh, you're kissing is I can't even do it.

What?

You're a good kisser.

I don't know.

I'm trying to do an Australian accent.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

It's one of the worst accents in the world.

It really is an unpleasant, and I always mix it in.

Hello, Jean.

I always mix it up with New Zealand.

You from New Zealand?

Oh, no.

You from Australia?

No, I'm a Maori.

Oh, okay.

Those are cool places to go.

China rules.

I mean, look at that.

I'm putting on weight just looking at it.

It looks so good.

So you can't get in?

Yeah.

Obama's eating there.

It's one of those things.

Of course he has.

Obama, listen.

He's a fun life.

For all the fucking embezzlement, drone strikes, he didn't wait on a line.

Everybody, oh, there's no, everybody has to wait in the line, just like everybody.

Obama doesn't.

He went to Franklin's.

He didn't fucking wait in that line.

No.

No.

He's getting in there.

He didn't He wasn't on the phone calling in.

Pay your fair share of time.

How about that?

Hey, Obama.

That's cool.

Do you have any tips for travel when you do?

You know, plan something before you go.

Like, I'm very bad.

What's that?

That's surprising.

I'm just get there

and then wonder what to do, and I get overwhelmed and I don't do anything.

So, like, I would suggest.

having things to do.

But I would love to go to Dubai, but I'm just, you know, it's hard for me to patronize a place that, you know, wants to throw my wife off a roof.

Oh, right.

So I have to think about her when I want to travel.

Like, I would love to see Dubai.

I would love to see Qatar because I want to fly Emirates.

I want to fly.

Emirates is awesome.

I want to fly Emirates and I want to fly.

What's the other one?

Lufthansa?

No.

No, I have flown Lufthansa, but there's a lot of it.

There's another one.

There's another Araby one, right?

Yeah,

not Emirates.

It's

oh, God, not Qatar Air.

It might be Qatar Airways.

There's one.

And there's another one.

Not Embassy, no.

Emirates, Ethiod.

Etiod.

Etiod Airline, yeah.

I want to fly one of those.

I would love to get in the first class of one of those.

I got bumped up into one of them once, dude.

It's a business.

First class.

Oh, business.

It's such a luxury.

I've heard those first classes are like with showers in them.

Yeah.

They're like third, but it's like 30 or 40,000 round trip.

But that's for guys who have that money.

Like, it doesn't mean anything.

That's like when you have a $12 million apartment as your second apartment.

Right.

You know, you have money.

You don't give a fuck.

I did that.

I did that Delta One.

You know what that is?

Is that, I mean, I fly Delta a lot.

Is that that just their it's like I traded in every mile I have for some some fun thing in my fam and it was like you don't even check in where everybody checks in they're like that way and you go to the first class like further and there's some door you've never seen like a fucking Harry Potter entrance and then it's separate TSA it's like a three-course meal just like that where they serve you with wine showers have I done such a lounge like you want to get there hours and hours early I might have done that once it's funny I'm flying uh United business to uh England and back it was just what's that for For that, for the

miles, and it costs me all my miles.

But I'm like,

I'm not flying girls anymore.

So, what else am I going to use them for?

Fly my wife somewhere?

If you do a gig while you're there, the whole trip is tax deductible.

I guess so.

Yeah, I'm doing three while I'm there, but I mean, I'll make almost no money.

I don't know if any tickets are sold.

But I'm saying the ticket, the tickets for Aussie is tax-deductible.

The hotels are tax-deductible.

I have, I'm doing some gigs with a friend of mine, supposedly coming up.

And early next year, we're doing uh i think i'm gonna be in india i'm gonna be i'm gonna see tokyo thailand a few places i've never been you're gonna i think so yeah a buddy of mine is going doing something in tokio that's so cool but i will probably be in and out in two days but i why why not go for an extra two days i i just think that's the way that he's got the the schedule i mean oh it's uh who your agent No, no, no, my buddy.

I'm working with somebody, but he hasn't announced his gigs yet.

I'll tell you after.

It's not a big deal, but I'm not going to re-announce his Cosby.

What's that?

What?

Cosby?

No, no, no, no, no.

But I do like to go to his hotel with girls.

Let's say I met him and he was fucking...

I met him a couple of times at Sirius.

And I one time went to Atlantic City.

He was performing.

And I was with my girlfriend, Jen at the time.

And so after the show, I'm like, can I meet Bill Cosby?

I'm a comedian.

And I had met him before.

And I took a picture with him.

I fell in on the sign.

So he goes,

The guy goes, let me check.

And he goes, all right, Mr.

Cosby, we'll see you.

So me and my girlfriend go back.

And it's just Bill in his dressing room.

And we're just chatting.

And I'm asking him questions about audiences and talking about his set.

And because, you know, this is before all this shit came out.

And we were chatting and people were coming in.

And he would see them.

And he goes, all right, I'm like, I'm sorry.

I don't want to your time.

He goes, no, no, stay, stay.

So he wanted me and my girlfriend just to stay while he greeted other people.

And then we're leaving a little while later.

And I go, can we take a photo?

Is it cool?

He goes, yeah, can I take a picture of you and my girlfriend?

And he goes, yeah, but as long as she's my girlfriend, he goes, she's She's my girlfriend now.

And it was before anything came out, but I remember that being such an odd moment.

And I didn't feel threatened by it.

I didn't feel like she was in dang, but it just felt so bizarre.

Like, you know how something stands out to you is, huh?

And you can't quite put your finger on it, but you're just like, Because he wasn't being mean.

He took the pictures.

He didn't grope her.

It was nothing like that.

But he's like, she's my girlfriend now.

And it was just such an odd phrasing because she was attractive.

Instead of like, yeah, sure.

Like, yeah, anyone.

Yeah, she's my.

It's so funny.

It was so odd.

Oh, now it makes sense.

Now it makes sense.

He's a little possessive about gals.

But again, it wasn't nothing happened that made me go feel, oh, he's trying to fuck her.

You didn't have a coffee while you were back there.

Was that?

You didn't have a coffee while you were back there.

No, coffee?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean a drink?

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

But she had a few drinks.

And then he sent me to get pudding.

So I was gone for two hours.

She was different.

She was different.

Yeah.

She was happier.

She had

a fat Albert hat on with her fucking lips hanging out below it.

But I would like to also, we're also like, yo, India, I'll go to.

I don't really care that much about it.

Does it suck?

That's what all I see is that everyone's like, it stinks.

There's diarrhea everywhere.

Oh, I'm like, I'm just like, not interested at that.

And Dubai, I'm like, ugh.

No, Dubai, I want to see just because I want to see the Burj Khalifa.

I'm afraid of heights.

I want to see the tower.

You're going to go to the top.

I would go.

I would go for that reason.

And my friend lives there and could make sure I had a good experience.

I want to go.

I've been to Norway, of course, because my wife is from there.

I've been there a bunch.

It's a nice country.

Just friendly white people.

What, Norway?

Yeah.

Where's she from in Norway?

Not too far from Oslo.

It's some small town, not too far from Oslo.

That's really.

Yeah, I want to go to the top of that.

And there's a Calvin Klein hotel in there that I would love to stay at.

Have you ever seen the Versace building here?

Yes, that's on.

Oh, no way.

I'm thinking of.

Not Versace.

It's shaped like suitcases.

Oh, the Jenga building, you mean?

Is it down in Soho?

No, it's like Midtown near.

I think near the city.

Near Grand Central, right?

I'm just guessing places.

Section Liberty?

Fucking idiot.

Louis Vuitton building.

Yes, it's got they have glass at the top of it.

Is there a glass display?

Ugh, come on, get out of here.

This.

It looks like fucking suitcases.

Oh, no.

I've never seen that.

Isn't that wild?

Yeah.

Or if I've seen it, I didn't make note of it.

It's just shaped like suitcases.

You take it over it.

Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't have noticed that if you didn't say it.

I just would have said that's an ugly building.

Yeah, I get it.

No, I'm thinking about the

Vanderbilt on 42nd.

What is that?

The Vanderbilt.

I want to go to the top because they have those glass

displays at the top where you're like in this giant glass room.

And you can go out there?

Yeah, you can go out there, but at the top, they have like a glass elevator that goes up higher.

Even though you're not on the side of the building in the glass elevator.

I think it's the Vanderbilt building on

42nd Street.

Not hotel, Vanderbilt Building, yeah.

I think that's the name of it.

Yeah, 42nd and Vanderbilt.

There you go.

That might be it right there.

Where at the top of it, you can see the...

Yeah, there's like a

Vanderbilt.

Yeah, there's a cool observation deck.

So you go up that thing?

I don't know if it's that high or if it's on the lower level there.

Damn.

But it looks like it's...

You see all those giant black windows at the top?

That's like this giant, these glass.

And so you go out there and you just look out?

I think so.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

I don't like heights, so I kind of do something.

Do you want to challenge yourself?

Yeah.

I've gotten bad with flying, too, like really fucking panicky and nervous.

So I would try to make myself do shit like that.

Yeah.

Australia was nice.

We did the, my manager, I did the Australian, the Sydney Harbor Bridgewalk.

I did that.

And I'm terrified of heights.

So I had the, there's one point we're all walking, and you know, you're tethered and stuff, you're tethered, and you're strapped in, so you can't, like, you can't move past each other.

No.

So we get to the top in between the two spans.

There's that little thin walkway, and we're like as high as you can be.

And the guy over the speaker headphones is going, well, we're a little ahead of schedule, so we can just kind of hang out here and look at the view unless anybody's uncomfortable.

And I was like, I'm uncomfortable.

We have to go.

We have to go.

I'm uncomfortable.

So the whole fucking line had to get away from that amazing view because I was fucking parrot you couldn't just go I couldn't just go I felt bad but fuck those people I was terrified I um horrifying I shit my pants on it did you really

out of fear or out of just

diarrhea oh trying to have it early like on on the walk it pretty early I was like oh and then like towards like right towards the top it just

like all came out.

Wow.

And they give you something to wear.

Yeah.

A blue thing to wear.

A onesie.

And did you shit the onesie?

Yeah.

And they were like, all right, so drop your onesie in there.

You can all take them off here.

And I just like had to go privately and like take all the poop and just like put it into a bed.

But I had to walk all the way down, just full of poop pants.

Did people see Bob?

Do you think he stunk?

One guy knew.

One Scottish guy knew.

He was right behind me.

Did he say anything?

Yeah.

You've made a mess in your trousers.

He said it fully.

He just asked me if I shit myself.

Did you shit yourself?

You've made a mess in your trousers.

It was so horrible.

For the love of Jesus.

I was there with Rogan for a UFC.

He goes, you want to go to the UFC?

And it wasn't a great card.

It was like BJ Penn was the biggest name, and he wasn't even like, he was, he wasn't a champ anymore.

And I was like, dude, I've been to UFCs.

I want to go out.

I'm never going to get back to Sydney.

No way.

I may have, but I didn't know.

And then he was like, how was it?

The UFC fights were great.

I'm like,

I should have gone.

Yeah, you should have gone with the shit.

Shit in your pants over a fucking covered roadway.

That's funny that the guy knew and he asked.

And the worst is having to find a private place to take your shit.

Because once you take your clothes off, you're naked because you got to throw your underwear out, too.

I had to throw it all.

So you basically just threw the shit.

Did you throw it in the garbage or did you throw it in the bin?

The bin with them, but I had to get it in there

without anybody seeing.

Yeah.

And then just walked underwearless back to the hotel and then try to scrub my pants in the stuff.

Oh, there was a little doo-doo in them.

Yeah.

Did you run into the fuck.

Would you eat food?

Do you fled food poisoning?

I think it was just like, I think I ate kangaroo.

Did you?

And my body was like, I don't know what this is.

Yeah, let's just get rid of this immediately on the bridge.

All right, Jim, that was great.

Oh, thank you.

That was fun, man.

This special is called Domesticated Animal.

Yeah.

It's on YouTube right now.

YouTube.com/slash at Jim Norton.

No, at Jim Norton Comedy.

Oh, was Jim Norton taken?

I think it was.

Yeah, I don't know by who.

I'd love to get my hands on him, you know.

Remember, strap in because the laughs are plentiful.

That was that's the only one?

You're settled on that.

Yeah, I think so.

The laughs are plentiful.

Get a good ROI if you're investing laughter.

Heroin addict.

Go ahead, Dad.

Nice.

Immediately.

Oh, the guy who called in.

Former heroin addict.

Yeah, it was the guy who

had lost his arm.

Really?

Yeah.

It was a guy who called in who had lost his arm.

Yeah, I believe so.

Oh, it was Rich Voss at the most barbaric line.

What?

That was Voss's right there.

That was Voss's.

My father used to say, why don't you use your music for something?

What?

Too much teeth.

Wow.

That even shocked us.

That even shocked this room.

He's just a monster.

Too much teeth.

That's my father.

And Colin right there goes, Wow, that shocked even us.

I didn't shock this room.

What are you about to say?

I mean, it was so.

That was godless.

That was a punch in the stomach.

You just, you're a disgrace.

Yeah, Voss is a mean little bastard.

He is a mean little animal.

A funny bastard.

It's funny when you like jab at him.

He'll just look at you where you're like, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

Please, please.

I don't want revenge.

Voss is great too because he gets greedy.

Voss always gets greedy.

Like he'll over tag, which he leaves his chin out there if he needs a fucking hook.

But he's also really good at countering.

Like when he's covered up and you think you got him, you'll leave one opening and he's a fucking monster.

So he's always, Voss is always dangerous.

All right, guys.

Also, check out Jim's new podcast called, what's it called?

Jim Norton Can't Save You.

Jim Norton Can't Save You.

I'll be on there soon.

Awesome.

Hitchcliffe was on last week.

Pod Swap?

I hate you so much.

I legitimately wake up in the middle of the night going, fuck that guy.

Pod swap is me too.

All right.

Bye.

Thanks.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

Well, that's the episode, everybody.

Thank you very much, Jim Norton, for coming in.

His new special unconceivable on Jim Norton Comedy.

Is that right?

Jim Norton Comedy YouTube page.

Check it out.

Leave a comment saying thank you for bringing Patrice back to life in the form of hooker exploits.

However, you want to do that.

But support Jim Norton.

He's a great comic and a great guy.

Unconceivable playing right now.

He's also going to be all over the road.

You can get tickets at JimNorton.com.

London, Manchester, Birmingham, Montreal.

This is now into July.

Ottawa, Toronto, Las Vegas,

Baltimore, Timonium, Dallas, Fort Worth, Asheville,

Fargo, North Dakota, George, Duluth, Georgia.

Duluth, Georgia?

Isn't that Duluth, North Dakota?

Bakersfield, San Diego, Denver Comedy Works, Rochester, and Batavia.

All right, guys.

Portland, Oregon.

Oh, around November.

Eugene, Huntington, Herman,

Maine.

The Morgan Hill Event Center.

And Boston, Massachusetts, at the Wilbur in December.

Get tickets at jimnorton.com slash tour.

Subscribe wherever you're listening, everybody.

Next week, if not right now, right at the bottom of the screen that you're watching, you can get all these merch.

We have stickers, passport stickers,

and the shroom fest shirts are coming.

The pre-sale is happening starting hopefully next week.

Shroom Fest is this year, September.

Where is it?

If you don't know what Shroom Fest is, it's an international holiday celebrating the usage of mushrooms.

This year, it's October 5th.

Sorry, September 6th, 7th, and 8th.

The second latest it could possibly be.

Here's how you celebrate Shroom Fest.

Wherever you are, take shrooms.

You can join together with your friends.

you can take it as an excuse, whatever.

But it's Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

It's the longest weekend of moonlight in the northern hemisphere in the summer months.

And that's it.

And there will be every year there's a shroom fest shirt.

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I will get a free shirt out of it, and you should get one.

The pre-sale starts next week.

And that's it.

Today's episode is produced by the YMH Network, edited by Alan Caffey, helped along by Niana.

That's it.

I went to Brazil.

I got

a hooker.

And it was awesome.

I also love the beaches there.

Should do an episode.

I guess I didn't do enough to do a full episode about it.

But man, that hooker was the hottest of any of the ones I've gotten.

Tijuana, she was good.

Thailand, she was disgusting.

So my friend ran in and got the hot one.

And I'm like, okay.

And I finally got up like, all right, I'm going to do it.

And then I went in there.

I was like, you got the only hot one.

I did hear her fucking scream, scream writing my buddy Pete while I was like

just kind of trying to get a boner in a hot room.

Hookers, I'm up and down on them, but if you can like let go, same as strip clubs, if you can let go and just like get into it and ignore the fact there's dudes all around you,

it'd be great.

People say, Well, it's victimizing women.

Like, yeah, that's part of the fun.

Ah, Norton rules.

The Chuhascarias in Brazil also were great.

It's like authentic, like crazy.

You know, those like Brazilian steakhouses in Rio.

Me and Rogan went.

It was fucking wild.

And then we went home and then I ditched him.

He was like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm just probably going to sleep.

He goes, all right.

I'm going to quickly read something and then I'll go to sleep too.

I went right in the hotel and went right back out.

Went right to a whorehouse with one of the UFC fighters.

Not going to say which one.

And we got one.

Sorry.

We each got one.

And it was nutty and too expensive.

I think they charged me like 500 bucks.

They might have just gringoed me, to be honest, now that I'm thinking about it.

They for sure could have.

The beach is also in Rio.

We're fucking wild.

I've never seen more confident fat chicks than I've seen at the Rio beaches.

I mean, letting it all hang out.

And it was sexy.

And I'm not into fat chicks.

I pretty much have a standard rule.

No fat checks.

Jesus.

This is making the wall legitimately hot.

I think I fucked up something by shoving something in the socket.

I'm kind of worried about it.

If this place burns down, you heard it here first.

Next week on the episode, we have, it'll be a Tuesday episode with Steph Tolev covering Scotland and a wild dance competition.

That'd be great.

We got Joe DeRosa coming.

We got a bunch coming.

Thank you very much for watching everybody.

Please subscribe, leave a comment, and tell everybody about this podcast.

It's fun.

We go to a different place every week.

Also, leave comments about who I should interview.

Time's almost up, so I've pretty much reached out to everyone I can.

There's Robert Kelly.

I'm going to start with him.

Guatemala.

Bye, everybody.

Next week.

Go check out that playlist that has all the fucking, what's it called?

It's on there.

All right, Bob.

That has all the fucking by country.

All right, Bob.