America w/ Joey Diaz | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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You see that sharpshooter?

What he said?

What?

The sharpshooter from like Turkey.

Who?

There's this guy at some Olympian.

He's like, he doesn't have any training.

He started shooting when he was 50 in a bad breakup with his wife.

He started just learning how to use a gun.

And then he just mastered it instantly.

And then he won a silver medal.

And he was like, Karen, if you're listening, I want the dog back.

He's still like, yeah.

Dog, they took my dog.

They took the mustard.

Yeah.

What?

They took the silverware.

They took the ketchup.

Rough fucking divorce, dog.

When they take the mustard, you know you're in no danger.

I came home and I'm a lazy fuck.

So for two weeks, I just ordered to-go food, like pick it up, and I'd say, can you please send the fork and a knife?

Sometimes they wouldn't send it.

I'd sit there like an Indian with my legs crossed, eating fucking food in my living room.

Two weeks it took me to

eat the mustard.

It's so mean.

You're not ever going to use it.

And asked me where I got the fucking silverware when I did get silverware.

Where?

My cousin's house.

I just robbed his.

I took like three forks, a fucking spoon, a knife.

People have no idea.

Where you've been and where you're going.

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah.

We're going to talk about travel today.

It's UB

Tripping.

Yeah.

Hi.

Welcome to UB Trip, everybody.

I'm at a remote location filming this with my uncle, my uncle Joey Diaz.

Thanks

for doing this.

This is fun.

That reefer was good, huh?

That reefer was good.

I got to get that out of the way, right?

I got to Wildwood.

Really?

Yeah, I went to Wildwood to watch my daughter's softball tournament.

And I went on the website of a couple of weed stores.

Yeah.

And this weed store didn't have brands that I knew, but they just had some high-end fucking grass.

And I went in there and I bought three eighths and I bought a $65 tube of this shit that's soaked in like fucking midget blood.

So when you smoke it, you lose your fucking mind.

You know what I'm saying?

And I let it dry and I put it in the weed and it's fucking tremendous.

Out of that freeze pipe.

Woo.

It goes down smooth with that thing.

What do you think you're dealing with?

Joy bananas?

I'm getting old.

I ain't got no time to hustle.

You're fucking fucking number.

How are we going to talk about travel?

You do not have a passport.

I don't have a passport, but I have dreams and desires.

Yeah, okay.

So we could talk about my dreams and desires.

What?

How close are we on the passport, by the way?

It's not good.

I have not heard from the attorney in six weeks.

They want me to go up there.

Then I got to answer the phone.

Then I got to do nothing.

God damn it.

But let's get to it.

Okay, yeah.

Where do you want to go?

What's on your where would you go if you weren't if you hadn't committed felonies?

Let's get to it.

Okay.

I came from a foreign country,

a foreign island, whatever the fuck you want to call Cuba.

Yeah.

Through the years, I had

just desires.

You know, ever since I watched Her Majesty's Secret Service, a James Bond movie that nobody knows about, I always wanted to go to Switzerland and ski.

Oh, damn, really?

That was something that was big for me.

And then when I was 17, I used to watch TV.

And ABC would always go 10 o'clock Pacific, 9 o'clock, Mountain,

and 8 o'clock Central.

And whenever there was, I knew Central was Houston because I was a Houston Oiler fan.

And I knew Pacific was California, because I'm not that much of a fucking idiot.

But Mountain, always.

Yeah, what's Mountain?

What the fuck is that one?

Mountain is Utah.

Yeah, but it was like, why is that?

I didn't even know that was a thing.

It's a time zone.

Yeah, until

deep into high school.

And I used to scratch my fucking head like mountain time.

Yeah.

And, you know, I always, listen, I I grew up in New Jersey.

I grew up in northern New Jersey.

I grew up eight miles from New York City.

I thought at the time in 1985, from 1980 to 1985, I knew one thing and one thing only.

I didn't need to go anywhere because everything I wanted was in New York City.

Everything that fulfilled my dreams, from the $20 concerts to the drugs, to the nightclubs, to the hanging out in the village at night,

snorting Coke on a fucking car.

You know, I even worked in the city.

I went to the city for OTB.

There was something about New York City, and believe it or not, there still is something about New York City.

There still is, dude.

We're just not invited to all those parties.

It's still going on.

It's still going on.

Bro, it's still wild.

It's still fucking Buck Wild.

You know, Diddy started his parties in New York.

That's how his shit screw.

And then they took it to Miami, had liquid, and then they fucking, you know,

everybody got dicked.

But let's get something straight.

About a month ago, I was in the car, and I got Apple Music.

I'm sorry, baby, and I got Apple Music, and I pressed Madonna

Essentials instead of just Madonna.

You're saying, Joey, this is a travel show.

How are we talking about Madonna?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to keep me on track.

You didn't give me the fucking.

So, I'm listening to Madonna.

I'm listening to a song called Burning Up.

Okay, it was her first EP,

and it came out in 83.

And I still remember

it was the beginning of my cocaine career, like going out at night.

Like I graduated from doing a half gram in a bar with four guys.

Now we were taking our snorting career to AAA.

We were just going to little discos at night, eating a banana biscuit and snort coke.

And I got to tell you, Ari, as dumb as it sounds, summer of 82 and 3,

New York was just something that

you could not explain to people.

But I'm just going to give you a taste.

Wait, time out.

What's a banana biscuit?

A quailud, a fucking tourmanol, whatever costs $4.

Okay.

We took shit.

My friend's mother was dying of cancer.

And every January, every first of the month, he got these pills that would put you on a different planet.

And he would sell them to us for like 30 bucks.

And we would get fucked up on these things.

Did you know what they were?

It was just pills.

Tours at the time.

What the fuck's tubinal?

Exactly.

Something from the 80s.

And today it's probably you got to lick a squirrel's ass.

What what's does the duty i mean you got up arbor okay all right i mean like drunk all right whatever right so uh

i'll never forget this yeah

i'm in some

i don't know i like it wasn't a rooftop it was some

club

and it was a tuesday night i used to work on tuesday nights and i would get out of work at 1 sometimes 12 30 and the concierge at the hotel would tell me where to go and he would call that place.

And I would call my friends in Jersey and say, this is what's going on.

Meet me over there.

The door guy got me four tickets to the Knicks.

Every night was a new adventure.

Some nights I got cut at six and he'd have two Nick tickets for me.

But to get to this fucking story, I'm in a club.

Madonna Burning Up is on.

I'm on a fucking Kwalud, okay?

I'm in the middle.

Me and somebody else, my friend Stinky and somebody else are in the middle of pussy heaven with dancing, right?

Yeah.

I'm not a good-looking dude at the time.

I'm just coked up to the gills fucking looking around.

So cool.

My buddy Stinky is making out with a chick and he's grabbing another chick's titty.

All right.

And I'm watching this as I'm dancing, burning up.

I mean, in those days, you danced.

You were hip to hip, fucking dry humping, you know.

And I'll never forget at one point in the night, I looked back.

And it was four in the fucking morning.

There was 300 people in this room moving exactly the same,

and it was only a Tuesday night.

And I'm like, right there in my mind, I said, Where is this happening right now?

Like this.

I mean, there's people jumping up and down and like, ha ha ha ha, I just got a movie deal.

No, no, no, no.

I'm talking about people who are working.

This is a Tuesday night at some fucking club in the village.

There's 300 people in there.

Trust me when I tell you, there was no valet.

There was no VIP room.

There was nobody rich in there.

These were people from the ages of 18 to 27, 26 that had jobs or were going to college and at one point said, I'm going to keep my job at UPS, but I'm going out five nights a week in New York City.

I'm not missing anything.

I'm not missing a thing.

I still remember going to see the Mets and then going into the garden to see the pretenders.

Chrissy Hine just broke her leg the night before at the pier in Long Island, that place that floods when there's water, I forget what it's called.

And she slipped and broke her leg.

They were going to cancel the show.

Chrissy Hine said, fuck you, motherfuckers.

Came out with the crutches and threw them into the audience at the garden and said, let's do this.

And they opened up with fuck in the middle of my load, that song from 1984, Learning How to Crawl.

I saw some shit in New York City that I knew in my heart didn't happen nowhere.

So what did I want to travel?

Where the fuck do I want to go?

I want to jump around.

I'm doing things in New York that people never fucking dreamed of at the time.

Okay, I remember that was a time when everybody got home at six in the morning.

Everybody.

If you went out, there was no, I got to go home, my girl.

No.

Everybody was out till six in the morning.

As you were driving home to change your clothes and gargle with Listerine and clean your nose from the cocaine, you see kids going to school and this was five nights a week and on the weekends they would stay home because there was so and these weren't my friends I just talked to them at clubs yeah so all those people that were going to studio 54 were not rich people yeah celebrities were there but most of them were regular people too

there's a fucking thing on studio 54 on Sunday nights a podcast on uh serious

and some of them suck And some of them, it's fucking professionals that'll tell you how they snorted four nights a week.

They had two kids, jobs, and they still made it work.

And you're like, so you put a side schedule for Studio 54.

Yes.

So let's, all right, so let's just talk about New York City at the time.

Okay.

So I didn't have the desire, but I got in trouble, things happened.

And then somebody offered me a fucking great opportunity in Aspen, Colorado.

And when I looked, it was mountain time.

Oh, right.

And I'm like, I'm killing two birds with one stone.

I'm avoiding the police, and I'm going to get to an adventure to see a new place.

And right there, I became Ari Shafir.

But I wasn't international Ari Shafir.

I just started going to like Tempe, Arizona, when Tempe was nothing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it was not good yet?

1984.

What do you mean?

I went to Tempe to visit my friend from ASU.

Yeah.

It was

not cool.

It was cool, but it wasn't what what it became when we got the greasy Tony's.

And then from there, I went to another place I always wanted to go to, San Francisco.

The cops were looking for me in Boulder, so I went to San Francisco.

So I became International Ari, and it was...

This is how the early settlers went.

And this is so cool because when I slept in fucking, you know, places with 20 other people on the floor, and I would walk behind the maid and steal her keys.

and then take the key off of somebody who had money in the hotel and I'd rob them in San Francisco.

When I traveled, I traveled.

Okay, I didn't have any money.

What do you mean?

You stayed in dorms and stuff?

I stayed in a place.

When I first moved to San Francisco in 85, I stayed in the hotel that was kind of a dorm.

And years later, it became a hostel, and it's still there.

It's still there.

When I worked the punchline, I would walk over there.

There is a hostel somewhere down there.

Downtown by the Virginia, something like that.

It used to be the Virginian Hotel in 1985.

The cops were looking for me for robbing German tourists one night.

Let's see your hit out.

So I ran around the corner and got on a bus that goes to Reno every hour on the hour.

I went to Reno, and that was fucking death.

I knew in 1985 that that was death.

In 1984 and 1985, I went everywhere in this country.

From Hawaii,

I went to

Arizona.

I went to San Francisco.

Went to Hawaii.

Yeah, we're good.

I went to Hawaii.

I went to Arizona.

When I was in Colorado, I made sure to go to like Montana.

Yeah.

God damn, is Montana now?

I made sure to go skiing in Utah.

So, wait, you did ski?

Yes.

When I got to,

before I left New Jersey on a Coke binge, my buddies took me to the Playboy Club in the Poconos, and they had midnight skiing.

I wanted to be James Bond and ski with a machine gun and shit.

How big are you at this point?

180.

What do you want to do?

I'm shredded.

I'm 19, 20.

And I go to the ski resort.

I do a line of Coke.

I go up on the mountain.

And next thing you know, a wind comes by that was so cold and so fucking vicious that my ears froze.

And the guy's like, get on that.

Listen, tell your mother to get on the thing.

Tell them I slip, send the car up here.

And I decided right there, I'm never going to fucking ski again.

I was very East Coastish, very...

shallow.

Like I was not going to ski again.

Skiing is for pussies.

And for years I said that.

Then I moved to a place

that, let's be honest, we're going to go eat bagels or whatever the hell you want.

And it was that much.

I could walk.

And it was even closer.

I could walk.

And at that time, I was a thief and I had to put some money away.

Is this Boulder?

This is at.

We're living in Snowmass, Colorado.

Again, nobody knows about Snowmass.

When I got there, I found out Ted Bundy killed some people in Snowmass at the

wild something in or something like that.

Hey guys, I want to break in real quick to tell you about Joey Diaz.

He's on Instagram at Mad Flavors World.

One of the best podcasts, one of the best personalities in the world, and one of my best friends.

He rules.

Check out any podcast he has.

Just search him, man.

He's fucking great.

Always putting out great, crazy stories.

Diaz rules.

Diaz is maybe, possibly tied for the best with Jesus Christ.

I've got nothing to promote.

Adrianopalucci's special that I'm very proud of who have produced, directed by Louis C.K., starring Adriana Pelucci called The Dark Queen, was on November 12th on Netflix, and I am excited for this one.

I am excited for this one.

Adriana Pelucci is one of the best comics working, most

top 20 underrated for sure, and she's finally getting her due on Netflix.

I myself am talking about where to put my next special.

Oops, I don't want to, that's a lot of movement.

Please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening.

I'm trying to get to 100,000 subscribers.

So, all the Joey DS fans, if you want new podcasts every week from me, if you're watching it on YouTube, go ahead and get the subscribe button right now.

Why not?

Just do it.

I also have a Patreon, patreon.com slash you be tripping.

Three new episodes a month.

I take your postcards.

The people are sending on from around the globe.

If you have a postcard, send it to 151 First Avenue, number 49, New York, New York, 10003.

It's only a postcard box, so it doesn't take any letters.

Or if you have, well, it takes letters.

If you have any dollar bills from anywhere in the world,

send those in because I'm trying to create a whole wall full of bills in the studio.

This one is a remote one, so don't worry about that.

That's it.

Subscribe and follow Joey and follow me and get ready for Adrian's special, and that's all I got to tell you.

Let's get back to the episode.

This is interesting.

Joey Diaz.

Joey Diaz.

Wow.

I always wanted to do one about America, and I thought I got to get Diaz on.

What's his thing?

Fucking ski bum in America.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get back to the episode.

Okay.

What are we talking about?

Skiing.

So I moved to Snowmass

in July of 83.

I was in Basalt before that.

Again, another place nobody's heard of.

That was Ari.

Basalt, Colorado.

I can't imagine you doing that.

Basalt, Colorado.

when you've got warrants, you'll do a lot of things.

But at that time, let's be honest, I didn't have warrants.

I was just finding myself.

I had no success here.

And I was going to end up dead.

I was working for a bookmaker on 118th Street.

And I enjoyed that job, but I knew that someday the cops were going to come.

I was going to close down.

And I'm 31.

And I got nothing.

Where have you been for 10 years?

So I said, let me get away from that and go out there.

So I lived in Basalt.

Basalt at the time was with Goldie Horn.

You took a gap here from crime.

Yeah, and I took a breather for about four months, but then I had the seven-year itch.

But Goldie Horn and her husband

and basalt, and I would always see him at the Conoco station.

And the little girl was little, and the little boy was little.

And then

we moved to Snowmass Village, and that's a little closer to Aspen.

And you start, you gotta, at that point, you gotta ski.

So I'm in Aspen.

I'm in Snowmass July, August, September, and I'm stealing, I'm robbing these fucking condos and shit.

I put away 12 grand yeah I had it hidden in another condo take the break you were gonna take no no no there was too much money to steal it was too easy and my neighbor's father died he worked at a place called sport kalen it was a big-time ski place in 83

and his father died like in thanksgiving and we started talking and he told me he didn't have money to go home And I just went over to the apartment and grabbed like $700 and I just gave it to him.

Like, oh, take this $700.

Give it to me when you have it.

Guy started crying.

He was way older than me.

If I was 20, 19, he had to be 38, 39.

I said, take this.

Go see your dead father and all this stuff.

Guy started crying.

He took my money.

He left for a week.

And when he came back in the wake, he goes, I'll make payment plans.

I go, dog, I'm not worried about it.

That's your father.

Don't worry about it.

And he kept bugging me.

Well, from now on, whenever you want to fucking ski, you come see me and I'm going to hook you up with new stuff.

And he would bother me.

When are you going to come see me?

I don't know how to ski.

I'll pay for lessons.

Fuck you.

Skiing is for fucking pussies.

I'm not fucking skiing, okay?

Well, Christmas Day came.

I'm by myself.

And I'm sitting in this thing at one in the afternoon.

It's got to be 60 fucking degrees out.

There's snow everywhere.

The sun is shining.

And I'm sitting watching some fucking college ballgame.

I go, you know what?

I'm going to go ski.

Yeah, it's one of the greatest places in the world to ski.

And you're right there.

I'm a fucking hateful.

It's not just a mountain.

Look, if I tell you how many things I hated then and how many things I was not going to eat, sushi, I hated fucking cats.

I was a fucking hateful guy at that time.

God had taken away my mother, but I still wanted to travel.

I thought there was more.

When you lived in New York, what I noticed was you had two weeks vacation.

One week you went to Florida and the other week you went to Atlantic City.

You got white shoes on.

Both of them are fucking dumps, okay?

I didn't want to grow up just going to Atlantic City and Florida.

I wanted to see something different.

And I wanted to see places that these MOOCs never talked about.

I always wanted to see places that these MOOCs never talked about.

Like what?

Like any place where they didn't go.

Right.

Like what?

Like Utah.

Like fucking going to the mountains of Colorado and asking somebody for a sandwich.

I just had this conversation with this kid.

There was a restaurant in Aspen at the time that was called the In N-Out House.

Like a vegan fucking sandwich place, the size of a closet.

They became millionaires.

The guy that owned this name was Shlomo.

If you go to Aspen today, everything is named Shlomo.

Never mind.

He had a turkey club sandwich.

I don't know nothing.

I just came from work.

I was taking the You Hitch hike back then.

What?

Aspen had a hitching post.

damn who the was this joey aspen had a hitching post and across the street was the in-n-out house so i would go to the in-n-out get a like a

in those days they had like an orangey

uh already like way before these fucking momo these guys were still drinking orange aid and they already had like a seltzed soda like a

like something that was out of this world all natural And I go in there one day and the guy that takes Camden's from Buffalo.

His name was Steve Schiavone.

Do you know we still talk today we he i was 18 he was 20.

but we had dogs i had hercules and he had a wolf named kali so we were like faggy men we would get together and the dogs would run around and we'd smoke dope and listen to bob marley he had me listen to bob marley yeah so i went in there one day i'll never forget and i got a turkey club And I think they're going to put lettuce and tomato in it, right?

Like everybody else that I grew up with.

The next thing you know, I'd take a bite to that sandwich and there was something in there that tasted tasted like grass.

And I just spit it out.

And the guy from Buffalo started laughing his asshole.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this grass?

And he goes, there's sprouts.

I go, sprouts?

You ever put a sprout on my sandwich again?

I'll fucking kill you.

But the sandwich was delicious.

It was like, no, all natural turkey.

Everything was vegan sort.

Dog, I'm going to tell you a confession.

I talk a lot of shit about curry, but those motherfuckers made a curry chicken on rye bread, on multi-grain bread, with lettuce.

Holy shit, it was delicious.

I ended up eating everything from them.

I'd get a sandwich across the street, and there was a place, a hitching post in front of a hotel.

From standing in front of a hitching post, I became friends with the hotel manager.

And one day I brought him weed.

He's like, You want to buy Kwalutes?

I'm like, Are you fucking kidding me?

Absolutely.

So now I would go to the end of that house, pick up three or four Kwalutes

and then go to the hitching post.

And you stood out there, Ari, and it was like the adventures you tell me only here.

People would pull up and they'd go.

That meant they were only going to maybe the end of Aspen.

If they were going down valley,

they would give you like a big thing like this: Down Valley, and then they pulled over and you got in the car with them and you drove to Snowmash Village.

They dropped me off, and then I'd have to run across 82

and then hitchhike on that side.

Fourth of July, I get picked up by John Denver.

Like, nothing happened.

A Jeep going to a concert.

People stopped?

Fuck yeah.

People knew that there were hitching posts.

Hitching.

Hitching posts.

Oh.

People knew that they were hitching posts.

At this time.

All right.

Go ahead.

So you just got that.

It was fucking tremendous.

I got picked up by Don Henley one time from the Eagles because he lived in Woody Creek.

That pitch, you know, I would never hitchhike today.

But at 19, I knew I could fucking punch you.

You know, I knew I could handle myself and I was crazy.

That's so fucking wild.

And I thought people were gay because they'd always say good morning to me.

Just that, finding out how people, how nice people were somewhere else.

The first month I lived in Colorado, every morning people would stop and go, Good morning.

I'll never forget.

I would come home and go, dog, I got to leave here.

Everybody thinks I'm cute or something.

They keep pulling over, going, Do you want to ride?

No, I don't fucking want to ride.

All right.

Get the fuck out of here.

I didn't know.

I was a culture shock just going from New York, New York City and being a fucking criminal to now being an asset and trying to fit in.

That's so funny.

Just being nice.

Yeah, everybody was too nice to me.

I wasn't used to that shit.

You know, so I thought I didn't know what they were going to do.

Rob me, fuck me.

You know, the first month, I would not hitch until I asked somebody.

And they're like, dog, everybody hitches here.

Wow, that's so fucking good.

It's safe.

You just take the ride.

Nice.

Sometimes people would pick you up and you'd say, yeah, I need a job.

Really?

Call my friend Leo.

He's He's looking for a fucking subcontractor or a Mason or something like that.

So I had that adventure.

And then I came to...

These are the people that you were robbing?

No.

These are nice people.

At this time, I was legit.

I was just robbing people I didn't like and drug dealers.

So at that time, I made a mistake and I came back here.

Oh, I thought you were going to go skiing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry about that.

Thank you for reminding me.

Wearing this together.

Christmas Day, I get pissed off and I walk up to Sport Kalen and there he is.

And he goes, what are you doing here?

I go fuck it hook me up and he hooked me up with 185s

brand new 185 brand new boots a jacket fucking goggles a glove so anybody who knows sport kalen knows it's a hundred yards from when i get out of sport kalen what sport kalen sport kalen is the where the guy hooks me up at the okay the skiing stuff it's a hundred yards you got to walk past the jewelry store and a stew pot and something else and something else now i think i'm john claude keely i get out on my skis and he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, just go over there.

All right.

I started at 11 o'clock.

By 1:30, I still wasn't over there.

I just kept sliding and falling.

People kept picking me up.

I didn't ski before.

I didn't get no lessons.

And I went on the fucking thing and it took me to the top of a mountain.

And they released this thing.

And I just went, went down.

I fell a few times.

How great was it?

It was

unfucking.

Dude, how great is skiing?

I didn't know you did it.

So then I got on the thing again and again and again.

The first day it was just accidents.

I couldn't stop, so I'd take a whole line out of people.

It was fucking insane.

I remember coming home, my roommate was back.

He's like, where were you?

I go skiing.

He's like, get the fuck out of here.

I see the sun on your face.

And he goes, what do you think?

I loved it.

So when the guy came back that night, my neighbor, I sat him down.

I go, I got to take lessons.

And he goes, don't worry about it.

Tomorrow, meet me at eight up there.

We'll hook you up.

And you come up there with my pass.

And then I fucking went up there and he taught me how to stop, how to fucking, and we started on little things.

Then, every three days a week, I would just meet him at eight in the morning before the fucking place even opened

because he had a special ski pass from working at Sport Kalen, and he knew everybody on the mountain.

The same people work on the mountain work on the river rafting in the summer.

Same people.

So,

dog, I was fucking addicted.

I was addicted to the point that I got a job with a ski pass.

So, you could get free skiing?

Yeah, so I could ski there.

At that time, they used to give you a three-mountain pass.

They told me, you don't want to go to Ajax.

Okay.

You don't want to fuck with Ajax.

And the other one was kind of far away.

Not really.

There was three resorts at the time.

I don't know what it is now.

And it was just spectacular.

I love skiing.

I love the adventures.

I love skiing.

I've still never been there.

I've been to Aries.

I've been with the cooler parts of Colorado.

This is my part of Ari.

Like when you talk to me, that's why a lot of people don't get what you're saying.

I get it.

There's nothing like getting on a fucking gondola.

Whatever the fuck they are.

It's a gondola, but.

And you get on there with three other people, four other people.

And you get on there in the morning, and you got to go to work at 11:30.

You skied mornings.

You were that close to the fucking best mountain around.

But I wouldn't go to Aspen.

I'm not going to sit here and go.

I went to Ajax.

Ajax is this.

You got to be good to go to Ajax.

Plus, it's high altitude.

You didn't need it anymore.

You got high altitude.

This is having some fun.

I didn't need all that shit.

So I went down.

I never forget getting on a gondola with four fucking doctors.

I go, what's up, guys?

How you doing?

Good, good.

Yeah.

Oh, you're from the East Coast?

Yeah.

I went to school in Boston.

What do you guys do?

Oh, we're doctors.

We're here on a convention in Aspen, but we came to Snowmass today.

And I'm like, really?

You came to Snowmass, but your convention's in Aspen.

You know why they were coming coming to Snow Mass?

Within two minutes, they're like, Do you mind if we smoke pot?

And I'm like, no, go ahead.

I was going to whip a joint out.

And next thing you know, I'll never forget this day.

And at the time, I was clean, all right.

I was really focusing on myself.

I was having such a good time skin.

I wouldn't snort Coke.

And these motherfuckers were like, you want to bump?

And they were like, snorting, eating mushrooms.

And I'm like, wow.

I'm just meeting these people and they're offering me mushrooms and fucking weed.

It's for a 19-year-old kid kid who grew up in New Jersey.

It was my hippie years.

It was like, really, like, just.

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Joy Deas.

Then I met a 29-year-old girl, and she asked me to go on a date, and she came on my house, and she goes, I don't want to go in your home.

I want to go sit in the grass in the mountains.

I'm like, what the fuck is this shit?

Oh, during the summers.

And I'm like, what the fuck is this?

Usually the girls I pick up, they dry hump, you take them home.

Fuck no.

This girl was like, no, I refuse.

I'm going to the mountains.

We walked like a mile, and then she took an apple out with brie cheese.

Guys, I didn't know what brie cheese was.

I'm from fucking Jersey.

What do I know what brie cheese is?

And she's like, eat it.

We were eating grapes and crackers.

I'm like, what happened to the salami?

Where's the fucking sandwich?

Where's the Chinese food?

But even that was culture that I had never seen before.

It's cool.

They're cool people.

Mountain people are cool.

And then I was addicted.

Yeah.

And they're like, I got to go to other places.

So at the time, I was big into cocaine.

You know what I do?

I put a,

you know when you put a chicken in a bag?

What's that called?

You like baste it?

You put that in your knapsack the whole day and the whole morning, you're just fucking roasting it in a Ziploc back there.

And then you go to the top of the mountain where they have grills.

And you take the shit out and you just fucking grill up.

That's a good shit.

I never even thought of that.

But I got so addicted to skiing, it took over my cocaine addiction.

And then I came back here in 85, 84,

and I was cracked.

Like something was missing from my life.

Skiing.

And it was skiing.

And I fucking ended up staying here for 18 months, homeless.

And I said, fuck this.

I'm going back to Colorado to ski.

Joyce Diaz ski bum.

And I went back to fucking Aspen.

I got the snow mask as a house sitter.

All those pictures you see of me from Colorado were all when I was house sitting.

And I was fucking 185,

510, fucking yoked.

I had a punching bag in the garage.

And I went from that house.

And you're going to type all this up and show these people the pictures.

It was called 435 Far Away Road.

You know what they want for that house now?

What?

$100,000 a month

to rent it.

You could go on Zillow right now.

That house was a $3.4 million when I was the house sitter.

The owners of the house only came once a year for a week.

They left you a Jeep

and they made you stay in the apartment

over the garage, which was.

What, just to make sure it's not falling apart?

Not falling apart.

You had 20 hours.

You were Nicholson.

I was 20 hours a month,

either skiing in the winter, shoveling in the winter.

Yeah.

20 hours a month.

Yeah.

And or

cutting grass in the summer and doing little repairs, painting.

The most important thing was when he came to town that the house be ready.

Yeah.

And in the 18 months I was there, he came one time.

His name was Dick Self.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

And that house was just an adventure for me because I still can't believe you're just so you just went skiing all the time.

I just went.

And then when I went back in the winter of 85, now I knew what I had to do.

So you ready for this, guys?

Yeah.

Uncle Joy became security at the Crestwood Hotel.

My shift was four to one.

They were actually paying me the case joints.

I knew who had money, who had jewelry.

I got the whole fucking lineup.

And I'm not going to lie to you.

I didn't rob for like the first ski season.

That's like Type Bundy being a fucking

alarm insurance.

A veterinarian or some shit.

And I really enjoyed myself, Fari.

They gave me a fucking security job.

How long?

Maybe you started robbing them.

There was light because

people gave you shit.

What do you mean?

Like when Texans came in to town with oil money, you think they bring skis?

They go up there and drop $8,000.

And guess what they do when they leave town?

They just leave them?

They call the bus board, the guy who gave them a ride to the airport or whoever picked up booze for them, and they go, you want this?

We're not going to take this back.

So I stocked up on skis and boots.

And it was just for nothing.

I didn't want to mess that up.

You know, when I don't want to mess something up, I won't.

I mean, 20 years I never messed up at the comedy store.

That's a good job.

You never banned me.

People still like, Joey, how did you get banned?

How did you get banned?

No, I never got banned.

What I'm saying.

The amount you robbed from that place.

But I didn't rob that.

I didn't rob directly from Mitzi.

I robbed, well, with the passes.

With the passes.

They got you the passes.

But I was so intrigued with skiing.

And now I got to the point where I knew everybody.

Please.

No, no, I got, yeah, bring another one.

So go keep going.

I'm listening.

I got to the point where I was so intrigued by skiing.

Now we're skiing different levels.

There's no waters here.

I think there's either one or get some primes.

Get some what?

Pull some primes out of there.

Oh, primes.

Sorry about that.

I don't think I have any fucking

water went down the shore.

This is good.

Can I have a Coke Zero?

Yeah, I'll take a Coke Zero.

I don't give a fuck.

Can I have this one?

Whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

Just sit down.

Kakazaki.

You're making me nervous.

You gotta be too high.

So

my job was, I worked at a video store in the morning, like from 11 to like 2, because the guy knew how much I enjoyed movies.

And then I only worked security like four nights.

So it was 4 to 1 or 4 to 12, I think it was.

And my job was just to pick people up at the airport that came in late.

So I would be busy from 4 to 7.

And then I did what I wanted.

I smoked dope.

I went to the,

I got a house.

When I first moved to Snowmass, I had to live in the employee dorm.

And that was a fucking adventure.

All those things prepped me for prison.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, I bet.

You don't know what's going to prepare you for.

And that second time, Ari, I went up there, and I was.

I don't even know the distance.

But it was, if I tell you what it was, it was sickening.

All I had to do was, even though I had a three-mountain ski pass from the crestwood and I had a snowmask pass from the video store, I just gave them to my friends.

Because you skied this mountain, that you would live right next to?

I lived there, but since I worked at the video store, I became friends with all the people who ran the machines.

So all I'd have to do is

open my back door, walk with my boots, put the skis down, get on the skis, and then I would push upward for about Ari, maybe seven minutes, and then not like three minutes up, then like four down, and I would ski right into a thing.

God, because they were plowing the ski stuff, like, or it would snow the night before.

Oh, and get, yeah.

And then whatever.

And I would do that.

I would do like runs from 8:30.

I wouldn't even snort the night before because I wanted to fucking do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What else could get you up at 4?

I wanted to be on the first level.

I was like, I didn't want to do this.

What else could do that?

Listen, from the world i came from to get up early in the morning and the sun shines on your face it's a little bit cold but once you get on the mountain you hit your first fucking thing

it's exhilarating in the morning it's better than a blow job with an ice cube up your ass it's better than anything you'll

you'll i it's that's the best that's what made me like cutting tracks when you're like no one's touching nobody's touching it it's so good you know you still see like elk and yeah you look back you see your own track i see my track Yeah, yeah, you see animal tracks, animal tracks running.

It was something, and people listen to this, and they'll go, come on, John.

And it's like, fuck off.

This was my hard time at seven to be in line by 745 so you get on the first lift.

What fucking line.

There was no line.

I would open up the condo, Excel's condo, and just ski over.

Like I said to you, it was like three minutes up.

Listen, the first couple.

And you're just already skiing?

There's not onto a lift?

No, I wouldn't.

You're saying you're halfway up the mountain?

I'm already halfway up the mountain.

God damn.

So I would ski like like seven minutes and I'd be right there at a lift and then I'd start again.

Sometimes I'd warm up on the easy ones and then hit three of the hard ones.

And then

when did you get high?

At what point in the day did you get high?

At night.

At night.

What did you do while you were skiing?

At this time, I wasn't doing Coke.

I didn't break till.

No, I mean weed.

Oh, yeah.

I was smoking like a fucking.

They had that Colorado weed at the time.

You're smoking and you hear Joe Walsh singing Rocky Bob High.

You know, they had so many different options options of weed.

And I had a guy, Cato, in town.

And his job was: listen, I don't care whether you're in Basalt, Carbondale, Aspen, you get a bag of good weed, you bring it here.

I'll give you the money.

This guy brought me weed that was scientific from Woody Creek Tavern.

So I was, duck, I was living my best life.

My roommate was a cook.

Did you ski high?

Oh, yeah.

I'm saying we're never cocaine.

No, not gonna lie, but weed.

Never cook.

Shut it right away, or you go like go a little bit and then always we never mushrooms.

Because I did mushrooms when I first moved there.

And I had diarrhea.

No, no, no, no.

I've done that.

I just did mushrooms.

You did light ones?

And got a big diarrhea asshole.

And I said, what do I,

I don't want to do diarrhea when I'm enjoying myself.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

And I'll stick with the Kwaluds and the Rifa.

I was very happy with a Kwalud, a Rifa, and a Southern Comfort or two at that time.

And then I would go home and puke because I'm allergic to alcohol, you know.

But those were the fucking the best.

And that God, that's what made me.

How long did that last for?

That whole season?

Did you get good?

Very good.

It gets better.

It gets better.

The dude I gave the $700 to.

Yeah.

He was in a big tight skiing community.

And

December of 85, going into 86,

he knocked on my door one day.

I didn't live in the same building as him.

He had moved and I was house-sitting.

And he goes, hey, man,

me and my friends are going to drive to Riverton, Wyoming.

And then our other friend that is the general manager or whatever is going to get a helicopter.

And it won't take you too high, but we're going to drop from the helicopter on the powder.

What?

I said, yes.

What?

It's one of those things that

you don't want to look like a pussy that you say yes to,

but deep down inside, you're like, I hope the fucking world ends before this fucking happens, before this date happens.

Yeah.

The guy had connected.

You were going to do Hellas Gay?

Listen to me.

The guy was so connected.

I wanted to go see the Sixers play the Nuggets, and he got me a private plane for $250, and we split it four ways.

$75 round trip each in a four-plane, in a four-man plane with cocktails and fucking, the guy was playing music and the whole fucking deal.

That's how connected this guy was.

I did not know this when I gave him the $700.

I did not know this.

I had entered a different world with this guy.

God damn it.

This guy was a professional skier.

Damn.

This guy knew people and he was, and I worked in the summers.

For a couple summers, I worked for a guy named Chip Chilson.

And he had a masonry company.

Chip Chilson was also a professional skier.

So Chip and him were friends.

He got me the job with Chip.

So these guys just, the way we talk comedy and reefer, and remember the nights at the comedy store?

How much we talk about comedy?

These guys talked about skiing.

And they talked about, these motherfuckers went to New Zealand after a year.

I guess they're skiing down there or something like that.

Yeah, maybe.

Somewhere they would work.

They had their lives.

This is a complete dream.

This is a fucking hand job for a guy like me.

But these guys had a job that they had become masons.

And they would do six months in Aspen, the summer season,

and then they would go back with all that money they made and ski in different countries.

They would go to different places, these guys.

This was a different level.

I had gotten involved with the Robin Williams and the Richard Prize, a fucking comedy.

I didn't know it was about skiing.

so sure enough the day came

we drove to whatever the fuck part of wyoming guy came with a helicopter they gave me some type of vest so wait wait did they tell you like how to do it they they told me a couple things do you jump out with the skis on already or do you put you jump out and like hold them

you jump out with the skis on so you have to stay on the side with a hook you don't it was a long time ago ari

it was 40 fucking years ago and i was just talking about on the Patreon podcast about fear I love when I'm scared of something because I'll make a lie about how I don't like it but eventually you have to do it it's like when you went I was watching one of your podcasts you went somewhere and you ate something like you're an eater I'm not you're open-minded to eating bald nuts and people pigeon I can't already eat that's my fears of travel internationally right that I'm not gonna like the food and I gotta get on the plane immediately right you know so I'd gone gone to Jamaica, all this shit.

And by that time, 86,

guys, I was already, I had a residence in Miami.

I had a place where I could go to Miami and stay, pick up Coke, and go back to the East Coast, back to New York City.

So I was moving around, guys.

I led a horrible life.

In fact, I was thinking about when it started, that life...

That really bad part of my life started August 12th, 1984.

Because the girl I was dating at the time, I was really close with, trust me, I was a mess drug-wise.

But I was stable because I had a girlfriend.

I could not have a job.

Her parents knew me.

I couldn't go to their house and go, ah,

painting.

No.

You had to have something in those days.

And they knew I was off the hook.

So I always kept some type of fucking job, you know.

What are we talking about?

Skiing.

We got to go about the hella skiing.

The hella skiing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they got me over there

and we practiced something now that you think about it, like how to land, but it was

to run you through it, yeah.

It's the same thing as how to stop.

What's that called?

The snowplow?

Like across your legs.

It was something we, guys, it was a long fucking time ago.

Yeah.

I didn't drink that morning.

I didn't do anything because I thought

and you have to hold on, but they lowered the helicopter down for us for the first time.

And we just jumped.

But when you land, you're off and going.

That's crazy.

So you have to land,

get let off

like two ski poles and land.

And I think I lost a pole the first time.

I mean, guys, I'm a clunky fuck.

They had me doing shit that I wasn't even ready for.

Can you even like stop and enjoy the moment of being on top of the fucking mountain?

Oh, I did.

It was when you look around.

And I've always said this about the Rocky Mountains, that certain parts of the mountains, man, you look at it, and you don't have to be a religious person, but you know something funky happened here.

Whenever I'm in Colorado, I know something funky happened here, and something with God's hand.

God's hand.

It just goes on for forever.

I like to imagine you get lost in the woods there, and then wolves start chasing you eventually, and like how far you could get, and you wouldn't make it.

And even when I lived in Aspen, I did something that you would love.

Like this guy, Steve Schiavone,

he took hooked me up with these people at a restaurant called Kablunix.

Think about this.

1984, 83,

83.

You meet on a mountain at 5.30 in the afternoon, and they come get you with wolves, you know,

with sleds.

You get on there with your fiancée, they give you a blanket, and they give you a little container of oxygen.

That's up there.

This was in 83, and the guy goes, whoosh, and all of a sudden these wolves take you to the mountains to a restaurant.

You get off, they take the blanket, you go in, you eat, they have two servings a night,

like 6:30.

Yeah, like 6:30 to 8:30.

How many people are there?

9 to maybe 60.

And all of them get put in there with the sleds.

Wow.

You're fucking that night.

I'm a kid that walks around Manhattan with a slice of pizza, eating it as he walks.

I'm a guy.

I'm an animal.

I could buy a container of pork-fried rice, get two chopsticks and a napkin, and eat it as I'm walking down Broadway.

Here I am.

And sled it into a

fucking sled with dogs or some guy going, moosh, moosh.

And you get there, and they have like lizard meat, and they had all exotic food.

You're not going to go in there and get a cheeseburger.

You know, an ostrich burger with duck legs and something else.

I fucking almost pupedate times.

But just the experience.

When was I going to fucking ever get on a sled again, ever freeze at night?

I don't even think I had a date or a girlfriend.

I think I went with Steve or

a roommate at the time.

And then I became one of those guys.

Like when I moved to Boulder.

What do you mean, one of those guys?

Yeah.

Sorry, guys.

When I moved to Boulder, you guys got to remember that.

After a while in Boulder, I was very lost.

When I got into stand-up, after I got out of prison, I didn't want to leave Colorado.

I felt like I had fucked up and now I had to prove myself to Colorado.

And then comedy came along, and you know,

what are we talking about?

I want to hear more about this fucking skiing, dude.

You start doing tricks.

You're doing a lot of shit.

No, it's cool.

There was no fucking aerials.

I'm no circus diesel.

You're not digging me.

I jump off the helicopter, land.

That's good enough, Uncle Joey.

And then you just cut tracks all the way down.

The guy takes you down like 15 minutes.

By the time you get to the bottom, you can't even fucking breathe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The lungs have been, everything has been taken out of your mouth.

I'm not sure you being this athletic.

And you're fucking like dying.

The air's so thin up there.

I can't believe I did this.

I cannot believe I did this.

Like, I respect.

You're scared of avalanches and shit?

That's what I'd be scared of.

At that time, I was.

Or just some big jump that you're like, I can't make that.

I don't remember.

There was an avalanche one time when I went somewhere.

But that was close by, like rifle.

Yeah.

I would never go like really far.

They were taking me to rifle.

And it's crazy.

They took me to rifle.

What's rifle that's a mountain rifle is a different ski resort and all this shit

you never once they took me the rifle yeah did you get injured a lot

I broke my rib one time yeah nice nice and that was the beginning of my shoulders

because I was young worth it though you ski like I told you the truth you ski without boundaries when you're young you don't know you're a fucking New Jersey kid yeah that's why when I watch Molly's game did you ever watch that movie Molly's game?

It was on Netflix.

The beginning of Molly's game, her father is the guy from fucking, you know, from the Cowboy show on

Yosemite?

Yeah.

What's the name of that?

Yellowstone.

Yellowstone.

Yeah.

He plays the father.

Okay.

It opens up.

They live in.

What, the pitcher?

Who?

The pitcher?

What pitcher?

The fucking...

The picture, the fucking...

The star of the fucking show.

The old man.

Yeah, the old man.

What's his name?

He was a pitcher in that one movie.

Yeah, yeah, him.

Yeah.

So, now you threw me off, Cocksucker.

Threw me off.

So we're in this together, we said.

Hold on.

So he played the father to Molly's game.

Yeah.

Oh, Molly.

And the movie opens up with her on a skis resort.

And he's her coach.

Yeah.

And I remember being on a flight, and my dick got so fucking hard.

And it's Jessica Shika.

Just so fucking hot.

It's Jessica Shastain.

So she's hot.

I wasn't hot about her.

I was just hot about that thought of what it felt like to wake up in the morning,

smoke a bong, maybe eat a fucking croissant.

And all you cared about was getting to that fucking mountain first.

Getting to that mountain just to see the way the sun shined on you.

It's something that you can never, ever describe.

I've never had the sun shine on me again.

February, the fucking.

It's cold, but then like, like comforting at the same time.

Dog, there's no...

You see the light coming through the trees sometimes.

You're just like, it's just quiet.

It's like a nice quiet.

Yeah, yeah.

And then I saw things, Ari, that were just mind-boggling.

I saw the third week or the second week of February, they do bikini week in Snowmass Village.

And you ski

in bikini.

Now, I never skied in a bikini.

I could lie to you and tell you I went and listened.

I don't believe skiing with no pants on.

All right, I ain't getting no strawberries in the fucking snow.

They had bikini week, but this is where it gets crazy.

They have a part where it's like everybody skis with bikinis, but every day they have a different event.

And on this particular event,

you have to ski down and then they build something by the

ramp?

By the diving board.

Yeah.

And you fly over, do a loop-de-loop, and land in the pool.

I sat there and watched that for hours.

On skis?

On skis.

What?

These fucking people that just

practice.

What?

It's insane.

It was insane.

Animals.

The shit I saw there.

And then I ended up the girl I was dating.

God, how committed you gotta be to realize that.

Okay,

the girl I was dating, her two brothers

used to fucking piss me off at first.

But then I saw what they were doing.

Like, these two guys started skiing when they were three.

Like, that's why I wanted to take my daughter to fucking after the

Andy Haynes, comedian.

He's like that.

He's fucking good, good.

He just casually jumps up and turns backwards and then he's like, so you guys got one of the

with like not even an effort.

When you see something, the worst thing ever is being on your ass in the mountain.

Yeah.

Looking around for your ski.

And all of a sudden you hear and you see a bunch of six-year-old kids come by you.

Crew fucking 90.

What up, old man?

What's up, dog?

And you're like,

and they can't even like put their hands all the way down.

They're that young.

No.

And when you know the people, they're so good.

You know the kids that live there.

Yeah.

And you know the people who come visit for walking.

They go every year.

They take lessons and they just get better every year.

And then when they're 20, they're fucking sick.

What about the kids who live there?

Yeah.

I'm talking about you growing up in New York.

You almost convinced me to go there during COVID.

I almost went to Telluride.

That was one of the last parts.

It was like down to that where I could go skiing every day.

No one will.

Oh, that shit is so fucking cool.

I got a bum knee now.

And I'm petrified to go on skis.

But if I could do it all over again, it'd be Telluride for a week.

It'd be a warm-up somewhere else.

Did you ski up there in Telluride?

I don't remember.

I don't know.

I was in Tallyride at that age.

We'd take road trips on the weekends, me and my buddies from North Bergen.

But it was really surreal what I saw at that age and how grateful I am because it slowed me up a lot.

Traveling slowed me up.

It showed me the world.

And one thing I always hated, I lived in Boulder.

And I'd see these bohemian fucking rich kids.

And they would drink coffee at Penny Lane.

And I became one of those people, too.

Like, I like going to those coffee shops.

I really like

Bohemian coffee shops.

This is way before Starbucks and all these fucking Gentiles.

But before Gentiles were even invented, we just had regular people drinking coffee.

Bohemian, I like that.

But all these people would always talk about, I'm saving money to go to France.

I'm doing this.

I'm doing that.

And as a Cuban, I would look at them and go, before you go to France or fucking Arabia or Africa, and I appreciate it, could you please take a look at what we got to offer?

Yeah, it's great here.

Okay.

And then two years later, I got into Stand-Up County.

And I was living in Boulder.

And where do you go?

Austin?

No.

You go to Montana, Wyoming, and

all that shit, Idaho.

You end up at all those states.

And I still remember being a comedian and feeling like just bombing.

And I was in

something, South Dakota yeah

Dismark one of those South Dakota where where fucking evil can evil jump to some shit

anyway I just bombed as a feature act they gave me like 400 bucks

and I went I asked the fucking one there was one Mexican I go do you have a cousin that sells Coke He's like see, see.

And after the show, we went over there and I picked up like a gram of blow or something.

And the next day his parents invited me over to eat because I was Spanish.

And I'll never forget going, all those idiots at that coffee shop in Boulder, none of them has ever been to Snake River, North Dakota, or South Dakota, whatever the fuck it is.

Like this was really important to me, like going to all those places.

There was a time when I wanted to do comedy in every state.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I have only a couple short.

Where do you got short?

Hawaii.

You never did in Hawaii?

No.

That's a fucking, there's gigs there.

Yeah, Blue Note, a bunch of shit.

I know.

I never did, like, I did Wyoming.

I did.

Wyoming, I never did.

I did

New Mexico with Utah.

With you.

Didn't we do it together once?

Yeah, we did New Mexico, Chicago.

I did all the, but I also did all these places as a stand-up comic.

And I did something when I was in those places, which became attachment to me.

Like, right now, I haven't traveled in four years to do stand-up, nor do I want to.

But if you want me to tell you, I don't miss it, like how excited you get when you're going to New Mexico because you're going to to buy albums or get a certain coffee or a certain type of burrito or green chili.

How fucking excited are we when we went to Denver?

Yeah.

We would drop our luggage, roller joint, smoke, and go right and get a bowl of green chili.

Yeah.

You know, you go to fucking Addison, Texas.

Addison, Texas.

You're going to do some.

You're going to have some fun.

You got to have fun.

We would go to...

Chuck and Jive in Addison, Texas and get gumbo.

We went one time with Rogan, but way before Rogan.

Dude,

I would do Franklin every time I went to Austin.

I would stand in the dumb line like an idiot and just wait there or get somebody else to wait for me in exchange for tickets.

I would do that sometimes where it's like, free tickets, four free tickets a show.

Get me that fucking barbecue.

But you just look forward to it.

You're like, when I go back there, I'm going to do that one thing.

You know, and from comedy, we learn that

some of these big cities are great.

But I still have that fucking Colorado mentality.

Like, I still remember talking to the wise guy guy into letting me in for a door deal and going, I just want to go to Utah.

Like, I didn't care what the fuck.

I never go there and don't go skick.

Yeah, that's well, the first time I went there was the summer.

And I was blown the fuck away.

While most people are talking about Ibiza and Bali Bali, here I am in Utah having a better time.

Because I don't know anybody, anybody.

I got no investment here.

You're just saying Ibiza to be cool.

I'm telling you, I just came from fucking Utah, and I'm a lot cooler than you are.

Okay, whatever the fuck you may think, and that's something I take pride in.

That, yeah, I didn't go to France, I didn't go to Europe, I didn't go to, well, it's it ain't over yet.

We're not going to give up this fight yet.

Hopefully, with these travel podcasts, the word will get out that I have a fucking warrant.

Yeah, we ain't got a guy

in 1998 in fucking Seattle, and they won't drop it.

All they got to do is stamp it.

Like, whatever, we're done.

This isn't the guy who did it anymore.

I never got arrested again for it, haven't been arrested in 20 years.

I just got in my first.

You're an American.

You should have your fucking passport.

It's not

just stamp it.

It's our fucking bureaucracy.

I understand

I made a mistake.

Short or short.

They won't allow me in Canada.

Where in this constitution that we fucked these forefathers signed?

Was it, you're not going to be allowed in Kansas because Canada because you got a warrant?

And I get it.

I fuck sure.

That's Canada's rule, though, but let's get ours sorted out.

You can still go to France or fucking

Italy.

Now, last couple minutes, where would I want to go?

When I was a kid.

Well, did you want to go skiing in fucking Switzerland and places like that?

Well, at 61, I can't ski in Switzerland.

No, but

I love to go there.

Good point.

Yeah.

Okay.

You know, it's like I always bust Joe Rogan's balls as much as I love them.

Yeah.

200 million, 400 million.

And you came up with Austin.

Again, I got nothing against Austin.

But me and Ari would have fucking blown up that office in Los Angeles.

I would have lit my house on

$200 million.

You know how people go to fucking.

How many people would you spit in their face and be like, I'll never see you again?

Not really.

I would just disappear.

But this is what I'm going to do.

I'm not going to be a fucking idiot.

I'm going to do what everybody that has a heartbeat does that I never did before.

I would

move to England.

Move to England.

Okay.

Buy a home in England.

Okay.

And start a podcast there.

Okay, but you got $200 million.

To get a whole new...

Listen, you still got to do something.

And I'm going to interview a whole new set of savages.

Okay.

From the drummer, from Death Leopard with one arm.

I'll hunt those motherfuckers down.

And get them all up there.

Get them on now.

He could have got anybody he wanted on.

The prime minister on the bus.

That would have been fun.

That would have been fun.

He could have got the prime minister of Saudi Arabia on.

In London.

In London.

Anybody he wanted.

You know what I'm saying?

That would have been interesting.

That would be interesting.

An American now

with a podcast base.

A month of podcasts over the seas or whatever.

Fucking month.

You're not even listening to the dream.

The dream is Monday through Friday in England.

And then on Friday, you open up your fucking drawer and go, I'm going to throw a dart.

And wherever this motherfucker lands is where I'm going.

You've got properties.

You got $200 million.

So yeah, you did the whole thing in London.

You still got $190 left.

All right.

So I got.

I got a beast.

I got Spain.

What do you do in Spain?

Where are you getting a house?

What are you doing?

Beach house?

Melona.

Mountain house.

Beach.

Whatever I fucking want.

Yeah.

What do you want?

As I'm walking down the street, I want that one.

Somebody lives in there anyway.

Offer them an extra milk.

Get them the fuck out of here.

You have 200 million.

I'm going to sell it in a week.

I want you out of here right now.

I got you with the four seasons.

I got $200.

$190 million.

I got your room with it.

By the way, while we're talking, I just got $84,000 in interest.

Just take it.

Let's close the fucking deal.

Take it, okay?

Go to Spain, Ireland.

Ireland.

Why Ireland?

They're my people.

Yeah.

You buy a house there?

Yes.

What do you mean they're your people?

I'm too bad.

They're my people.

They're Catholics.

All right.

I would definitely buy an island.

Oh, not buy an island.

I'm sorry.

I would definitely get a Sicilian island.

Something like that.

A whole island?

Something.

Something small.

What's 10 million?

I'm going to share an island.

Could you get an island for 15 million?

Huh?

Could you get an island for 15 million?

A small island with like four houses on it.

And every weekend you go somewhere else.

That's my point.

No, your owner.

Every fucking weekend, you take a three-day weekend at 61 years old, 55.

Yeah.

You just tell your wife, listen, I'm going to take the private jets.

Go to Paris for lunch.

I'll meet you in Dubai.

I'll meet you in Thailand.

Nice.

I'll meet you here, wherever you fucking want with that money.

That would be a fucking tremendous dream for a guy like me to be able to go to Spain and eat ham this week.

Would you go to South America anywhere?

Anything there?

It's all Europe for you.

Listen, let's get back to it.

1983, I had a dream.

Okay.

Martin Luther King had a dream.

I had a dream too.

I bet they didn't line up the two dreams.

The dream that I had, the other dream was to just move to Colombia and snorkel Coke till I died.

My goal was to take a picture with a big Coke Rock in Colombia and make it like a postcard and send it to my friends.

Fuck you.

You're working at UPS, sucking my dick.

I'm down here

and fucking Cartahana.

But at the same time.

I got you a Cokespoon from Columbia.

Did you?

Yeah, I brought you back a Coke spoon.

Where is it?

I don't know.

I gave it to you when I got back.

How long ago?

I mean, you brought me back that stick with the fucking thing you light on fire and all the spirits.

Yes, yeah.

I got rid of the good spirits, too.

That's the problem with that shit.

Some of the good spirits are like, you don't like that.

No, they stay.

They know.

They avoid it.

You got to open the windows.

But I wanted to go to Colombia today.

Guys,

I would love to go to Sony.

I'd love to go to China.

I'd love to go to.

Really?

what do you think like i'm a big chinese guy i'm a fan of a lot of cultures yeah i'd have to go to let's say hold on let's say you got your passport though and they're like you got it where you want to go first you can first would be a month

england to walk across abbey road like a motherfucker

yeah okay to see all those spots i heard about all those spots with those great bands where Eric Clapton and the Yardbirds.

And they're not there.

This is a pipe dream.

They're not there, but just the essence essence of that.

I definitely go to Birmingham, England to visit Judas Priest's hometown and Ozzy Osborne's hometown.

You know, that's an industrial city.

They busted their ass like we did.

They didn't come from no fucking rich people.

So Ozzy Osborne, Tony Iomi, those guys came from dirt.

That's why they're so fucking good, you know.

And then I would just take a trip with you.

call you up and go, you're my tour hunter.

You're my tour guide.

I'm going to give you this amount of money for five days.

And all planet?

Yeah, but I don't want to go like to Thailand

and have to eat lizards.

Yeah, I know.

I want to go to some little rush.

You'll be something you'd be into.

Lobster Tails, you know, a nice hotel.

But then again, you know me.

I can stay anywhere as long as I don't get bit by mosquitoes.

Yeah.

I like to go to Tunisia.

Buddy, I got a spot for you in Croatia.

We can go to Croatia and be alone on a fucking island.

You know, I always have apprehensions about Russia.

Yeah.

But why not?

Yeah, I never cared about that.

I don't mind getting shaken down.

Maybe I'll get a story like fucking Burt Kreis did.

Right?

Maybe meet that guy.

I bet out of respect, if you did find yourself on a train in Russia, you would be like, I'm going to take something from somebody's overhead.

Just out of respect.

No, because it's international.

I don't know the rules there.

I don't want to end up like the Britney Gray.

WNBA basketball player.

Another place I really, really want to go to, that I really want to go for a month,

Israel.

Whoa, why?

I want to go to the wall.

I want to go to Jerusalem.

Buddy, you would love the wall.

I know.

Bloke, I would fucking see you.

You and Simone would love the wall.

When I saw the fucking,

there's a couple shows I've watched where people go to Israel.

And it's pretty, except the one when Wardain went and they were like, we got to leave.

They're bombing people in Tel Aviv.

You know, Bomb just came over and he's asking people, this is how they live.

And those people are like, fuck yeah.

We don't give a fuck.

You know,

I would love to go to Israel.

I would love to see just the people.

Tel Aviv is really cool.

I would love to see you

for a little while.

You would.

You'd hit your roots.

You're Jewish.

People don't know that.

I would love all that stuff.

People just see you as Cuban, but in fact, you're Jewish.

I would love to just walk around.

And that's the dream.

But, you know, as Americans, we all have these dreams.

Buddy, the smell, you would love it.

The smell everywhere.

And then all the Jesus stuff.

You're just like, it's like you're an ancient civilization in old Jerusalem.

I know.

I love all that stuff.

And there's so much drugs in Tel Aviv.

It's so so much drugs in Tel Aviv.

A lot of ecstasy and shit.

A lot.

They jump up and down.

They know how to go.

They go.

Yeah.

But then I want to go to places that you've told me that have been like quiet.

What do you mean?

What do you mean quiet?

Like, I like to go.

Like, when I go to a town, I don't want to go see the bar.

I want to go to the opposite of a bar.

I want to go someplace where I get to see people live their lives.

Every day.

I want to just sit there with a cup of tea or whatever the fuck you drink in that neighborhood.

it's not goat's blood like anything else i would sit there and just watch people you learn more from that than anything else yeah and learning about people is so fucking even when i went to colorado do you understand i was meeting here i'm meeting goombas and cubans and everybody's a gorilla back there you're just meeting people yeah you see how they live just sort of like and i can't imagine going to like la and being there for a year and then leaving to someplace where they don't even know what a movie is.

And you're like, wow, these people just want to be nice.

There is nothing

because I'm not that.

I'm not that person.

I'm not a welcome wagon.

I'm not the type of guy that would go, oh, you're coming to Jersey.

Come on, I'm going to show you the sites.

Go fuck yourself.

You want to go see the Statue of Liberty.

I'm not going to say the Statue of Liberty.

You want to live the way people are living.

But when you go to a place, there's always, it's like when you go to the Funnybone in Nebraska, and she picks you up and takes you to one of their restaurants the next day.

Not a chain, one of their local places, and you talk to the waiter and the waitress, and they tell you, oh, you should go to the dog track.

What fucking thing?

Well, dog track, yeah.

You know, and all that.

Even when I went to Bristol, Tennessee, they were so fucking nice.

Sorry.

They were so fucking nice that you leave there feeling shitty about yourself.

Because you can never be that nice.

You can never be that nice.

I could never live in a town town of 20 years.

But also, you're just like open to it, too.

You're sitting there like wide-eyed.

Oh, I love it.

And so it's like inviting.

That diner we went to in Austin.

The late night diner.

No, the one we went to for breakfast when we were staying at that hotel.

And then we saw Mark Maron there.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's me.

What do you mean?

That's the type of place I want to hang at.

We spoke to the fucking manager.

We were talking to the waitress at the tattoos.

It's just to meet other people is why you travel.

Like these people who want to go, I'll go to Italy and look at churches.

Listen, I've seen enough fucking churches.

I've seen prisons.

I've seen all that shit.

I don't want to see that shit.

I want to experience the people and how they talk to me and their views on things.

You know, my neighbors went to Italy and they came back and they were like, it was great, but they both lost 100 pounds since they went to Italy.

In Italy?

No, when they came back.

Yeah.

Because they realized how fucking lumpy and fat Americans were.

That they sat there for an hour and going, he's an American, he's an American, he's an American.

And then they found out about the foods.

The sister lost 60 pounds also because they're not eating that way anymore.

They took all that shit out of that diet.

It was all like gluten-free, like pastas there.

Yeah, and it was just embracing

everything, brother.

Yeah.

That's the only problem with Italy.

You would get fat, but they're not.

They're not.

And we are.

And she goes, it was so embarrassing to see Americans.

Like, they learned that from it.

Look at the people in Italy.

They're all in shape.

So then they came home and lost weight.

They all look good.

Wow.

Naturally,

you know, they don't give a fuck about what Americans are saying.

You can't eat pasta.

They're eating pasta.

They're just not putting all that shit in their fucking food.

And these kids are not eating all that shit in their food.

So they look like normal fucking kids.

It's so fucking processed.

So it's so processed.

They went to Italy and lost weight.

That's when you know life is good.

I remember what I had to wrap this up.

Where else in America do you want to go?

Let's just say you can't get your passport.

What's still calling you?

I went to Yosemite for the first time this year, Acadia.

There's places.

What's calling you here?

I'll go to Yosemite.

I've already want to do that stuff like that, or are there any cities?

Anything

from the lack of traveling, I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I don't miss the cities.

The cities.

The cities.

Yeah.

From traveling,

I miss Boston.

Do we have more fun in Boston walking around?

Milwaukee?

I like Milwaukee.

Underrated town, yeah.

I liked

Houston, you know, Austin.

We had a great time in Dallas, you know.

I always loved Miami.

I hate Miami.

You know,

where would I want to go, Ari?

Left with my family.

Where would I want to take Mercy?

Yeah, yeah.

We've been planning this trip for three years and we can't get it off the ground.

I want to take her to Colorado.

I want her to see at an early age what I saw.

She would crush skiing.

That determination.

She would soak it up.

She would kill it.

She would kill it.

Bro, she would soak it up.

There's a hotel I want to stay in Boulder.

There's a four-hour drive to Aspen, stay up a couple days up there.

You don't even look at your credit statements.

You just eat, do what you can, and fuck it.

Because you're only going to get one opportunity to do that.

Okay, so I want to take her there.

Hawaii, all that shit.

I want to take it to places that really got on the micekin when I went there the first time.

You know, because like I said, anybody could go to fucking England.

Anybody could go to Australia.

It's really, you never hear somebody going, hmm, I'm going to take a trip to fucking Estes Park, Colorado, which is one of the most visited parks in the country.

That's where you feed the chipmunks.

They come up to you and eat.

It's a couple minutes or hours, not even from where nicholson shot the shining wow it's an estes park and at that hotel in the winter they have an all you could eat well what do you call those on sundays brunch

and where i started comedy at a place called the broker in boulder they have a big brunch too all those ski places are

they're they have big brunch places So I would take her to Colorado.

So when you think of, when I just say, hey, think of where you want to go, you think of where you'd want to take your daughter to go.

That's where your mind goes immediately.

If I get the passport, we're all going.

Passport's different.

We're all going.

But if I stay in the States,

you know, we had a great fucking time.

Two years ago, we drove to Kentucky.

We drove to Tennessee, but we stayed along the way in different places.

Best night we had was Cincinnati.

Why?

The fucking breakfast is out of this world.

That's fun.

Road trip,

yeah.

I still like, listen, you're not going to land in every town that you like, yeah, but there's going to be one time you're like, wow, this is cool.

But it's like you said about just seeing new, like, you're sitting there having coffee in a not tourist town, and you're just like in the morning, and you're just kind of like listening to what they talk about.

I don't know.

It's just like they speak a little differently than when you're from.

Just something about

it's called like as comics, we do it.

As we get more successful, we don't do it.

It's called getting the patois.

Getting into that city.

Getting the patrol

of that sound.

Yes.

When we were chax with Rogan, we'd fly a night early down there, go to a restaurant, go shoe pool.

You'd have the whole day open.

You'd go to a mall with Rogan.

You know, that got crazy, but

at the same time, whether I go with Rogan or you, I'm going to do the same thing.

I'm going to hunt out a breakfast spot.

smoke a joint.

That's what weed is great.

We'd get you out of that whole thing.

You walk around, get coffee.

You walk around.

You'll find some coffee.

You look at one place, you're like, nah, this doesn't look fucking.

You know, I still remember walking past a place in Cleveland.

Yeah.

That was such a fucking dump.

Yeah.

They hadn't cleaned the glasses on this restaurant in 25 years.

Yeah.

They had fucking

Hoffa's fingerprints on the fucking window, and they didn't know it.

And how gray was it?

I walked past, I looked at it, and I go, that place is filthy because they didn't clean the glass.

And then I walked 20 more steps, I smoked pop behind their alley.

And what was coming out of the kitchen was so fucking good.

And I actually went in there and I go, what is that smell?

And they go, Fra Diablo.

I go, throw me some lobster Fra Diablo.

And when that seafood came out, I go, well, I'm not performing tonight.

This shit got something in it.

Malukia, this shit is not going to be good.

And I fucking

ate it.

And it was so fucking good.

Remember

when I said I was going to Jacksonville, what you told me?

What?

You go, do not eat the fish at the seafood buffet.

The seafood buffet.

And I was like, okay.

And then you go, I repeat, do not

eat the seafood buffet.

Oh,

that's Jacksonville.

Yeah, Jacksonville.

That's the Mandarin Hotel.

Something like that.

Friday nights, they used to have the all-you-could-eat buffet, you know, soul, all those shitty fish.

And they give you these ugly fucking shrimp.

That's before Katrina.

They had everything down there.

And you'd be sitting there as a hungry comic.

You'd think you'd be fresh being that close to the ocean.

It's fresh.

And next thing you know, you're performing.

You're hearing sounds in your stomach you hear a bongo fucking thing behind you

so yeah i still want to take it to colorado i always love montana deep down inside

you know it takes anybody can move to a big city it would be cool yeah it takes a certain person to go you know what i want to go to wyoming wyoming that'd be a fun that'd be a cool place to go

i want to go back to the grand canyon i went there with simona renazzizi i would like to see that again go again that's a great place i don't need to see anything in the pacific northwest those cities are are kind of crazy.

I like hiking up there, but that's about it.

But, you know, Seattle is beautiful.

Seattle rules.

Well, yeah, you know, Seattle.

It rules in the summer.

That is a great town to be in in the summer.

Like, I learned all these little things.

Seattle was always very cool.

Very cool.

Like, people ask me, why did you go there in 95?

I go, Pro Jam.

And once I heard Super Unknown, the album, I knew I had to go up there to see what the fuck was going on.

I had a scene.

I was in Michigan.

I met a girl

the way to eat breakfast.

She goes, I didn't know if I told you.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend and I'm moving to Seattle.

I said, do me a favor.

Stop and come get me.

What?

That's how you go.

And she showed up two weeks later with a fucking U-Haul and a truck.

And we camped the whole way up.

And we fucking moved to Seattle.

And, you know, these are the things that people don't really know.

They think they know you, but they really fucking don't.

You know, they really don't.

People really have no idea who the fuck you are.

These things I talk about now, people are listening, go, nah, I don't see it.

It's crazy how much I love that stuff.

Yeah, that's nuts.

Yeah, it's so the way you describe New York, too, the same way.

We're like, there's just cool people in certain places.

You know, you learn a lot from people, man.

And as a comic, I'm a people watcher.

What about Alaska?

Did you ever go to Alaska?

Yeah, I've been there.

I did comedy.

Choku Charlie's.

You did?

Three years in a row, 20 years ago.

Did you what show?

Choku Charlie's was Stan Hope's bar that he booked it.

Him and Andy, whatever his name is, his friend, Inquist, whatever.

And I did that a couple times.

Just fucking beautiful, but I never went to the other two spots that are popular.

The Woodshed is what they sent us.

What's his name would send us to?

Wheels and

Anchorage?

What?

Yeah, at Anchorage.

Okay, and where else did you go?

Have you performed there the last 10 years?

No, I went with Rogan once, about 12, 13 years ago.

We did The Beartooth.

We did The Bear Tooth, and that was pretty fucking good.

We did two shows, and they had had a checked out bus, like a tricked out bus in the back.

Like it was like a school bus with like weird lounges and stuff.

So we sat there in between shows.

It was cool.

And then we went fishing.

Like you said, like once you're up there, you got to do something like that.

You got to do something.

You got to go through that area for what it is.

I remember I went to Alaska and I ate fucking halibut.

Yeah.

I was shitting bones when I got back to Seattle.

I love fish.

Love all that shit.

It's so fresh.

They took me and David Taylor

fishing, salmon fishing and stuff out there.

He'd catch it and they're just kaka and whatever.

And then and then sometimes he'll like slice it open.

He goes, oh, there's eggs in there.

This is a pregnant one.

It's caviar.

Did you eat it?

Yeah, I ate a bite.

David Taylor, he just kept, he's like, he just kept going.

Every one that was cut open, he just kept going.

He ate a pound of caviar and then had to throw up

out of a fucking belly.

Oh, yeah.

Alaska would be cool to get back to.

Alaska.

Look at Alaska next summer.

You know, before all this shit went on, I'm going to tell you what place I drove up and down that state.

Gorgeous.

Oregon.

Do you like Oregon?

Tyson's Corner.

Oh, not the Tyson's Corners in fucking D.C.

What do you like about Oregon?

Yeah.

That's where.

Grants Pass, Ashland, Oregon.

What is that?

What is that?

They do.

Ashland, Oregon does the Shakespeare Festival every fucking year since 1952.

And you go there and it's just this look and this scene.

And, you know, it was the first hotel I ever checked in to do comedy.

There was no fucking TV.

And I didn't know how to act.

And after I left, I went downstairs and I goes, there's no TV in my room.

She goes, there's no TV in any of the rooms.

You're in Ashland.

You didn't come here to watch TV.

There's arts.

And I'm like, fuck you.

And then I walked around and I came back and I'm like, oh, what morals?

Very interesting.

Damn.

Very interesting.

And guess what?

I respect it now.

Yeah, fuck TV.

What are you kidding me?

That's an insult to us.

We have all this shit right here.

We have a festival.

And then I bombed the next night, the first night.

I had like two nights, and I had to walk around the town, and people wouldn't even talk to me.

Oh,

that sucks so fucking much.

You got to stay in a small town.

Every eighth person was like, I could see you looking.

You're with air.

You saw it.

It's like bombing on a cruise ship.

That's what's great about bombing in a ski town.

You fucking mask up.

No one recognizes you the next day.

Nah, it's insane.

Like,

I enjoyed all that mountain living.

I enjoyed, you know, Bremington is in Seattle.

It's a ferry ride.

It's the deepest point on the earth.

That's why all the submarines are there.

Because they drop drop from there and go

Bremerton, Washington.

Whoa.

So they could do all their testimonies.

All that stuff.

You know, going to Boulder and going to a Naropa Institute, a Buddhist Institute, and seeing a fucking talk by that Ginsburg 30 years ago.

I did all that shit, guys.

I'm a fucking hippie at heart.

I just couldn't stop taking showers and follow the dead.

I'm a hippie.

I like all that shit.

I'm very religious, but I've never shut myself down to other religions.

And I want to hear what you got to offer.

You know, I want to hear what you got to offer.

Not that I'm going to switch governments, but I don't want to go to the bottom of the

fucking religion.

I'm going to influence a lot of people.

I'm one of those guys.

I really, really.

Jesus, what?

I want to know about your religion.

You know, people hear me say terrorist and hummus.

You have no idea.

In college for two years, my tutor was Mohammed Zabib.

And we were best fucking friends.

And he made me eat some of that food, and I told him it tastes like ass, and he would giggle and I'd make him eat Chinese food and he'd tell me like fuck you to say Chinese you got to go to where I'm from to get real Chinese it was interesting as shit our relationships it's just that's what traveling is about yeah

it's really about your relationships on that travel what do you mean like who you're with

who you're with and where you're going because every place has a different energy Okay, and you got to mix with that energy.

You're not going to like every place that you go to.

True.

I know that in all your travels, it's like this place.

No.

Facts.

You're just like, I get it.

It's not my.

It's not your fucking comfort.

I can see why you would like it.

I don't like it.

And guess what?

It's okay.

Yeah, it's all right.

Exactly.

Just go to the next spot.

It's okay.

Everybody finds peace wherever they fucking find it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, let's see.

One question I ask everybody: Were you getting travel tips, general travel tips?

I have fun.

As comics, I've been turned off to to travel.

As a comedian, I've been turned off to travel from something that used to be fun.

America used to get on a plane with a suit on, and I could, after the plane took off, I'd go over to A-14 and talk to Ari, and Ari could send over a drink to a girl in row eight.

I picked up a chick one time on a fucking plane to Denver.

Yeah, it was funny.

You know, we don't have fun anymore.

We would travel, and I'm guilty of that myself.

I look at traveling as a fucking chore now because because we did it as comedians.

This fucking not Ari

took his travel to a different dynamic.

And he started going overseas, and I could see the change immediately.

Yeah, when you leave, I miss you and I worry about you,

but I know you're doing what you enjoy.

It's like when you asked me about New York 15 years ago.

I said, Ari, I'm sick and tired of calling you at 11.

And you're always sleeping.

And you're pinktied at 4, and you're at that stupid Mels till six, eating with these fucking guys.

You do not belong here.

You're a New York guy.

You don't care about the mornings,

but you'll stay out till six.

Mitch Hedberg, I beat him up till he moved.

Dude, I was up till six last night.

I said I woke up to the wheel of the bathroom, but I was just going to sleep.

Yeah, no.

New York City.

With the sun up, it's just like, where else are you going to get that?

Next summer, I am subletting an apartment

in New York City.

Yes, buddy.

Why?

I love it.

Because I want to show my daughter the campaigns.

Stupid fucking camps I send her to are just a waste of her fucking time.

Show her read the subway map.

This summer, every Wednesday for six weeks, I took her someplace different.

And the best times we had was when we went up north.

I could see, and I milked her slowly.

I took her.

It's a Newark.

We got hot dogs.

Then I took it to my hometown.

Smart, slow, slow entrance.

I showed her what Newark was like.

This is the other city now.

And she even looked at me and said, Dad, it's interesting here.

Yeah, it's interesting.

These people are fighting for their fucking lives.

We live in a white utopia.

And then I took her to Union City, where all the Cubans are at, and she fucking loved it.

She's like, Dad, this is so cool.

Look at all these.

I took her to the butcher, I took her to a jewelry store,

and then I took her to New York City.

And that was,

I could see her face, I could see

she was excited as I was.

And I'm 61 years old, and I lived on the Upper West Side.

And not to harp on it,

my dream

before travel, before anything,

is to live in the Upper West Side.

200 million, buddy.

You got 200 million.

And what?

And not give a fuck.

Gated thing.

Just upper west side, nice place.

I want to wait.

You got 200 million.

So you're on 45 million.

45 to 100 million.

Me, Joe Diaz, Ari Shafia.

My dream as a young man was to live like Jungle London for a summer,

wake up in the morning, go get a freshly squeezed orange juice and a daily news, not look at what it cost,

and take a walk in Central Park.

Wow, that would be so sad.

Okay, and then May to October and then fucking walk around somewhere and get an expensive breakfast and not give a fuck.

And then from there, smoke a joint and go to the Museum of Natural History because everybody knows I could do that four days a week.

Okay, I'd go to all those museums.

I'll stop at St.

Patrick's and say a prayer.

After last weekend, and guess what, guys?

My trip to New York was not enjoyable.

I crashed in my car.

I got a ticket for speeding from a camera.

I got pulled off running a red light.

But here's the beauty of it.

When I got pulled off running the red light, I told the cop the truth that I was new to the area and I hadn't lived in New York City for 40 years and it's all changed.

And there's one point where the broadband goes this way, everything's come.

And he goes, I understand.

And I go, I'm not trying to be a racist.

Now I'm like on 89th Street, right?

And he's Chinese, the cop.

He's like chow or something.

Nice guy, great guy.

And I look at him and I go, can you tell me

where the fucking Cari Dita is?

The Kari Dodd, the restaurant?

The Kari Dod.

He got all excited.

Oh, yeah, I show you.

72 between Brooklyn.

Right next to where Standard of New York was, now New York Comedy Club.

Now it's somewhere different it's gone no they reopened it they did yeah i just went with my daughter phenomenal so fucking good phenomenal when you had spots an hour and a half apart at at old stand-up new york you would just go you would once you told me about the chinese cuban

fucking tremendous so fucking good it's on the corner of great papaya is on the corner yeah and in the middle avoid that other than the middle of the block Listen, if you come to visit New York, you might get stabbed on the subway.

You might as well eat a great papaya.

I mean, get one on your last day.

You're going to have diarrhea.

Terrible.

I've got it.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

But in the middle is Harlem Fried Chicken.

Okay.

I drove up and down.

I showed her my old school PS-166.

I showed her the PAL where I learned how to smoke cigarettes and fucking shoot a gun.

I showed her where I lived on Riverside Drive on 89th Street, and it brought back so many memories.

And that's my ultimate dream.

Yeah.

It's to be able to live in New York City.

Having a little bit of money, it's so much better.

I went to Village Vanguard on Saturday, and I was like, take it, they're like $40.

I was like, yeah, okay.

And it wasn't like, oh, shit, hold on, I got to talk about this.

It was just like, sure, yeah, 240s, absolutely.

And then like, and there'll be a drink minimum inside.

I'm like, yeah, obviously I'm going to drink when I'm here.

And it's not like it's burying you.

Anywhere you go, you're going to spend money.

Yeah.

I went to Wildwood last weekend.

My wife don't complain about dick.

Wildwood, New Jersey.

I love it.

My daughter had a softball tournament.

my wife doesn't complain i don't complain but my wife came back and she goes you know the rides were 175 for a pass

and it's cheaper a great adventure the kids had a great time you don't look at that when the kids have a great time yeah thank god we put away money what about the american family that goes down there so If you're going to travel, prepare to drop your fucking ass for some dick or wash the shit.

Because nothing is free.

Nothing is free on these fucking, nothing no more.

Everything you do takes fucking money, guys.

So, and I'm not saying I have money.

I'm just letting you know that we got problems out there.

Be prepared to be broker after.

Be prepared to be broker, but it's an experience that you'll never fucking

go to hospitals.

Then you come home with almost the same amount of money.

Dude, I spent nothing.

But the amount of money I made in unemployment and not paying my rent, I think broke even for Ecuador.

It was just like living on nothing.

People have this thing that they want to live on boats and be rich and jump up and down.

Dog,

and for what?

To have 20 bodyguards?

That's not life.

Life is living on your own terms.

You know, Mick Jagger goes to a town now and he walks around.

Mick Jagger does?

Yeah, you could be standing next to him at a bar.

You don't even know it.

Mick Jagger loves that shit.

Traveling by himself and seeing the expression of people now.

Fuck Mick Jagger.

We got to go eat.

Yeah, let's go eat.

I haven't eaten since nine this morning.

Joy.

I love you.

Thank you for having me on the podcast.

I have no dates.

I have nothing.

Nobody gives a fuck.

I got a book.

Yeah, the book is great.

I got a book on Adam.

It was the best bread fucking book.

I mean, it was in your voice.

Oh, yeah.

Reading your stories.

Yeah.

Who's better than Uncle Joe?

I didn't make a dime on that either.

Because Audible takes a dollar off every fifth.

What is it?

Life of a Criminal?

What is it?

Life.

I don't even know.

Let's go eat.

I'm too hungry to even think.

What are we going to do with the dog?

We'll leave it here.

Let me have a piss and then we'll just leave it on here.

Go ahead.

Yeah, it should be good.

Thank you for having me, guys.

That

was the episode.

Thank you very much, Joey Diaz, for coming in.

That was fucking sick.

A ski bum.

How did I not know this about Joey Diaz?

How did I not know he used to ski?

That's crazy.

Of all the times I told him skiing, I broke my ankle, broke my wrist, different times, different years.

And Joey was always a guy to

quit skiing.

What are you doing?

You're too old for this, he would say.

You're too old for this.

And never once did he mention.

Never once did he mention that he was a skier.

Today's episode is produced by the YMH network, your mom's house network.

I took it to a network of a friend of mine who has a most Nazi memorabilia of anyone I know.

And I said, you need to pay me reparations for what you've done.

And he said, okay, how about I make you a bunch of money by putting you on my network?

And I said, deal.

And he said, listen, you're too problematic to have you on the main feed, so you need to start your own YouTube account.

And I did.

YouTube.com slash at you be trippin' pod or whatever wherever you're watching hit subscribe, guys, so you get notified of new episodes.

That's all.

They're not going to spam you.

It's going to tell you if you like this kind of a show when a new episode is out.

If you're listening on Spotify, hit subscribe.

If you're watching on listening on Apple Podcasts, hit subscribe wherever you are.

Just do it right now.

Man, a ski bomb.

That was fucking crazy.

Those pictures are nuts of him thin

in the outfit.

I didn't know he was allergic to snow.

Let alone be a fucking high-level skier.

Damn it.

Damn, Joey.

Today's episode is produced by your mom's house and edited by Alan Caffey.

Guys, the UB Trippin' Pod

Patreon, patreon.com/slash UB Trippin'.

It's up and kicking.

It is fun.

It's these postcards.

What they do is I start reading them.

Only send them from another place.

You know, you get some from another place.

Go to the post office.

Send it.

151 First Avenue, number 49.

New York, New York, 10003.

And send it to UB Trippin' Pod over there.

And yeah, I'm trying to get up on the Patreon

voice memos.

I got to do one of those

so I can listen to your messages about travel and riff off that.

Kind of a la stabby.

He gave me permission, so don't worry about it.

But right now, it's the fucking postcards.

Or I just like, it just gets me thinking and I look at a place and I'm like, oh, wow, the Czech Republic.

I look at the Czech Republic.

Sometimes I look up the history.

I just riff, talk about a place, go on Google, Google Maps, and look up like beautiful spots in those places.

And it just gets me thinking.

Anyway, the last one sent me on a whole long tangent to Namibia, where I was a few times ago.

Looked up all these crazy, cool beaches in Namibia, and the postcard wasn't even from Namibia.

It just reminded me of a thing.

Anyway, that's it.

November 12th, Adrian Appalucci, The Dark Queen, produced by Ari Shapira,

directed by Louis C.K., sound by Thomas Cassetta, edited by Daniel Cotter.

This is my team, except for Louis, and I'm glad to be on his team once.

That's it.

I think I got nothing left to tell you.

The Jew vinyls have all shipped out.

Joey Diaz got a copy, and we recorded this.

Zerko, that's it, everybody.

If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment in the comment section.

It's a nice, fun get-together of people sharing ideas.

If anything about Cuba, let's say, or anything about your first trip to America, leave it in there.

People talk in the comments.

It's actually a very positive place for once.

That's it, guys.

I think that's all there is.

Until next week, I'm Ari Shafir saying

Azaluego.

I should have done it last week.

Hasa Logo.

Oh, you gotta say it's in Cuban.

Bye, everybody.