Madrid, Spain w/ Shane Gillis | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Ooh,

it's bright.

Yeah.

Let's chill.

Off looks good.

Off looks good.

Wait, what's going on?

What's with the lights?

Oh, it's just because the hat was causing.

Oh, that's good.

Causing damage?

No, let them not see myself.

Oh my god, dude, you're so shaded.

Where you been and where you going?

This is Ari's travel show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you'll be trippin', yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome to UB Trippin'.

It's the only podcast that stands strongly against slavery in all forms.

My guest today,

Miyamigo Hoy est

Muy Grande in

the Mundo del Camedia.

Si Claro.

Y Tambien Muy Grande

gente.

Si claro.

Que gordo.

Come on.

Yo, no.

Yeah, whatever.

I can't speak it at all anymore.

It all fades away.

I used to be able to.

God, it feels good when you can flow.

It is.

Yeah, I try to speak Spanish here sometimes.

Yeah.

It's terrible.

I nailed it that way.

Bien.

I love a fucking

no accent guy trying.

Yeah.

Somehow I get a Philly accent.

well like que mari stas bien

et

et mama uh

yeah i can't speak it at all anymore um

dude when i got back from wherever i was flowing i want to go punch you what you were so mad if for the listener i was flowing this is the type of guy are you are you're the guy he gets back from south america he's like i can i'm fluent and the only thing you were fluent in was ordering tacos but crushing that no

what else was i gonna talk to her about she's a taco lady.

You would order?

No one's gonna talk about her changing her oil.

Yeah, but you're that guy that's like, yeah, could I get the uh encheladas?

That is the worst.

She thought I was from Spain.

The uh Agua.

Thank you.

She thought I was from the home country of Mexico.

I don't think anyone thought that.

Yo, vego ¿cuár para es es meses.

Yeah, that's all I got too.

E vibiendo en españa, para es meses.

Oh, that's not bad.

See, that's all I got, too.

Wait, how long?

So, this is what we're going to do: Spain, España, Spain, the mother country, Madrid.

Yeah.

Madrid?

Madrid.

Where'd you go?

When was this?

20.

I think this is the coolest thing about it.

2013 and 14?

Damn.

After college.

Yeah.

No, after college.

I was selling cars.

I got out of college.

I was selling cars.

I used to be a gay man.

I used to read books constantly.

Yeah.

And I got really, really into Ernest Hemingway.

And I was like, I should live in Spain.

Really?

To go in his footsteps?

Kind of, yeah.

I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

I was like 23.

Here's the problem.

It does rule, but it is also gay.

It was gay.

Yeah.

I wish I still had that part of me.

That could just suck up the gay and go?

It did.

I used to think I was like smart.

Yeah.

I wish I still had that.

What's your favorite Hemingway?

It was For Whom the Bell Tolls.

Yeah.

Was

number one.

I like the Nick Adams stories.

I don't know those.

It's just short stories about him pretty much himself.

Oh, okay.

I just tried to read Farewell to Arms again.

How was it?

Trash.

Really?

No, it's good until they.

It becomes, it's too much of a love story.

I like the beginning when he's in the military.

It's very fun.

What's the one where he's holding a baby up in a cave and somebody takes a random shot and kills the baby?

Somebody, it's a crying, but they thought it was an animal, and somebody camping was like, shut that fucking baby.

I don't know.

He has a lot of Michigan short stories.

Yeah.

I don't know any of those.

Yeah.

You're nicely shaded here in the fucking.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

You guys hate the shade.

I love a well-lit podcast studio.

It's very conducive to

this is not because we turned the spotlight off that was

a dark red face.

Yeah.

The Russian episode won't get that spotlight on you.

Sit him in a chair, handcuff him, do a metal chair.

So you went there just like, fuck it.

I'm going to sell.

I was selling cars and I sucked at some.

I literally just sat at my desk and read.

I read books all day.

Yeah.

That's all I did.

And then uh

i found out there was a teaching program where you could just go you did all you had to do was speak english whoa like they didn't care if you spoke any spanish they want it was an immersive program because spain back then at least felt very inadequate because they were the only ones that in europe that sucked at english everybody else in europe was getting very good at english except spain so the government there started a program of like just fucking come over here and talk just speak english and so wait free or do they pay you or

you have to pay they pay you whoa, yeah, I remember they offered that in college, but it was like you got to pay like a thousand a month to go there and teach English in China.

I'm like, I gotta pay?

Yeah, that sounds like hell.

Yeah, yeah,

you can pay me to go

But yeah, then I signed up and I got it.

It was sick.

Where'd you even hear about it?

An ex-girlfriend.

Wow.

And she did it too.

Sick, can you go far away from me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I run into you too much now.

Yeah.

I got this great program.

She did it too?

Yeah.

Were you guys doing it then?

We didn't see each other once.

She was in a different part.

I got Madrid.

I got lucky.

Oh, they assign you like

Book of Mormon?

Yeah.

Yeah, I got Madame.

Legendo.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was wonderful.

You know, you can sneak into the second part of that.

Oh, yeah.

They all come out on your mission.

Yeah.

They don't really check your wristband or anything.

For sure.

I never thought of that.

You can sneak into any play.

Pretty much any halftime.

Yeah.

No one leaves at halftime, though, so you got to wait by the bathroom until you see what seats are not taken and then go in there and hope somebody says, You have you done this here the first time.

Yeah, I did it once.

I would yell.

Yeah.

I'd say, get this Jewish man out of here.

He tunneled his way into the show.

They would all stop, like when Pence is at the play, like, is that true about the Jewish man?

Stop the play, break the fourth wall.

Or they do it in character.

Yeah.

Sir.

The Africans come out and taunt you yeah the whole lion kid comes down and lays you out in a bucket with an elephant so you go there were you like did you have any money uh i had a little money from selling cars yeah um but i i blew it all i lost all of it in spain yeah yeah i thought how did you where'd you stay where they what'd you do all right so uh we can go from the start i got there yeah i

never contacted the school I was supposed to teach at.

What?

I never talked to them once.

They didn't know I was coming.

See, this is all like the government's program that just assigned you to a school.

The school had no idea.

So I get there.

I fly from New York, land in Madrid.

I realize I don't speak fucking Spanish nearly as well as I thought I did.

I got off the plane.

I got in a taxi.

I was like, I had nowhere to stay.

I didn't have a place to stay.

How old are you at this point?

24.

I love the stupidity of a school.

I don't care.

I know what.

No, I was just like, I'm like Hemingway.

I'm on an adventure.

Dude.

Hemingway cried.

I cried the whole time.

I wonder if Hemingway cried.

We got to the new place where he found lodging.

It sucks.

It's raining.

It sucked ass, dude.

And

I got there.

All I could do, I knew hotel.

Yeah.

I was like, that's definitely, I can say hotel.

Yeah.

So I got in a cab and I was like, hotel.

And he was like, come on.

I was like, because even that sounded fucking crazy to him.

Hotel?

Yeah, because the way I was just in the car going, hotel, please.

You guys do an American Capital hotel.

I'm like, yeah, there's many.

Yeah, and he was like, where?

What are you talking about?

I was like,

no me importa.

Nezitao hotel.

Get out, beat it, get out.

No, he took me to a hotel.

He took me to a hotel.

It was kind of expensive.

So I stayed there for two days, and then I found a hostel.

That's the case.

And I stayed in a hostel for way too long.

How are you in hostels?

I'm awful.

I hated it.

Really?

I was furious.

I hated the hostel.

For such a man of the people, you're a prissy pants.

I'm not prissy.

I'm just embarrassed of what I don't feel like being naked in front of a bunch of hot rugby Australian players, which is who I was rooming with.

These two fucking hunk brothers.

Really?

Yeah, and then they'd go talk to girls and be like, these girls are all, they're all superficial over here.

They only like you guys for your looks.

They don't know how cool I am.

Shut another real middle.

You're crying.

I'm a bad person.

Yeah, so I was stuck in this hostel, and then I would try to call the school.

No one in the school spoke English.

In Madrid?

Yeah, in the north of Madrid.

The school was in a place called El Bion.

El, yeah.

El what?

El Bion.

El V E L L O N.

El Bion.

What does that mean?

I have fucking no idea.

Place?

Yeah.

But it's a small fucking village.

If you type in El Bill.

So it's not in Madrid?

No.

El E-L-V- Two words.

V-E-L-L-O-N.

Yeah.

So you can see this tiny-ass town I lived in.

Oh, cool.

Well, how far from Madrid?

Like 30 minutes north.

It's just a small town in the mountains.

And you're at this point, you're there or you're in Madrid?

I'm in Madrid.

Okay.

And I'm calling this school because I have no idea where the fuck this school is.

And I call them every day and none of us can communicate at all.

Is that all there?

Do you remember this?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the town square right there.

And there's a stork nest up there.

And there's always a stork nest.

A what?

In Spain, they have all their churches have

stork nests from Africa.

But they stole the stork nests?

No.

So I kept calling them.

They have no idea how to communicate with me every day.

They'd be like, our English teacher or the person who can speak some English will be here next week.

I'd be like, all right, I'll just live in this hostel for a month.

What?

It was terrible.

The person who speaks some English will be here later.

And then they suck.

Would you get somebody to translate for you to call?

Or you'd be like, no, I would just sit there.

Oh, and I didn't have a phone that worked there.

Oh, that's his pre, pre-yeah.

Hi, everybody.

Aries Shafir here in Nature, breaking in to tell you that Shane Gillis is a stand-up comic, a live touring stand-up comic, and one of the best in the business.

He's only got three dates available right now because he's busy writing a new season of a hit Netflix show Tires that'll be out this spring, I think.

Toronto is at the Air Canada Center, September 21st.

I know that he renamed it.

I do not abide by that.

Sioux City in Iowa, he'll be at the Orpheum on October 14th.

And October 18th, he's making his homecoming back to Philadelphia to play the Wells Fargo Center where the Philadelphia Eagles lose.

That's right.

He's Shane Gillis.

He's one of the best get tickets right now.

Also, if you're a new listener to this podcast, which many of you Shane Gillis fans are, and you're thinking of just stopping in briefly and then moving on to the next thing, I would say go ahead and click subscribe.

This podcast is every week we go to a new place with someone who's been to a place.

It's pretty fun.

Subscribe where you're watching or listening right now.

Leave a comment on YouTube for the algorithm.

Help me get this up to 100,000 subscribers.

Why if I not?

Why if I not?

And all I have to promote, because I'm out on the road for a while now, is Adrian Appalucci's special that I produced.

The third special that I produced that wasn't mine or my storytelling show.

It's coming out November 12th on Netflix called The Dark Queen, and you will love it.

Set your reminders.

Don't.

But be ready for it.

So when you see it, click on that.

She's the woman you're looking for.

If you're like, I want to say women are funny,

but you need to show me more of them.

She's the one.

No sex jokes.

No period jokes.

I don't even think she gets a period.

I think God took it away from her.

Such a despicable.

Anyway, that's all I had to promote.

Also, sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com/slash you be tripping.

New episode three times a month.

Solo stuff where I read your postcards that you send me from all over the world.

I don't know.

Look up a place in the world.

Guys, let's get back to the episode.

What do you say?

I'm Ari Shafir, and I'm trying to cultivate an air of mystery.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

What do you think of the new studio?

So this is my studio West, my studio Austin.

Shane is the first one.

I recorded there with McCusker and Duncan, but, oh, and one about me from China with Colin Tyrell.

Tyrrell, Tyrrell, Colin Tyrrell.

But we didn't built up the studio like it was.

It was just green screen.

We just took Danny Brown's studio and we just repurposed it.

We just moved his desk away.

Yeah.

Little inside baseball for you.

But yeah, it's a new studio we built up.

I think it's great.

I think it looks really cool.

Tell me what you think in the comments.

That's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

Don't forget to also check out

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast.

It's Shane Gillis's podcast.

And that's it, guys.

Let's get back

to the episode.

Is there anything else?

No, I think that's it.

What's better than popping zits on your leg?

All right, back to the episode.

Oh, no, this is what happened.

So,

like, night number two, I go out.

Me and this, it was another rugby player, it was a Welsh dude.

We go, we get, obviously, we get fucked up.

And while we're walking into a bar, this guy's like,

marijuana?

I think what's the marijuana?

And I was like, cocaine.

No way.

DNA cocaine.

And he was like,

see?

So

I follow him.

He's like, all right.

Yeah, see.

So, no, this is, he, he was a gypsy, dude.

He tricked me.

So he takes me into, where we're in kind of an alley.

He, he's like, telephono.

I was like, okay.

So I take my iPhone out.

He puts cocaine on it, which I thought was cocaine.

I have no idea what it was.

Yeah.

He did a line.

I did a line.

And then he was putting it back on.

He goes, police.

And we both run in different directions.

I get a block down the street and I'm just like,

fuck, that guy just stole my phone.

No, totally just has my phone.

What a ruler.

Yeah, it was good.

What a fucking night.

Not a shame.

I had no idea where I was.

I was relying on the maps.

Police, go.

And you're like, okay, thanks, man.

But then I was lost in the city for like four hours trying to find my hostel.

I couldn't ask for directions.

Oh, that sucks.

And I'm shit face.

And somebody just stole my phone.

That sucks.

Oh, my God.

And you're like, where's my hostel?

Like, what's your call?

You're like, damn i don't know yeah they're like

i need help

dude the problem is too even if you know like school spanish yeah or like duolingo spanish then you meet anyone like like the one of the the guys running food at the stand he's just like hey whoa that's way too fast yeah

i'm a level nine guy yeah i couldn't understand anything oh uh i finally found it yeah like the sun was up when i finally found the hostel and now i'm without a phone now i'm really fucked So I'm like, that guy fucking crushed you.

That guy killed me.

Was the Coke okay?

No.

I don't even think it was cocaine.

I didn't do cocaine back.

I had no idea what it was like.

You just were going to try it?

Yeah,

I was Hemingway, bro.

I was just out there on a little gay adventure.

Did he live in Madrid or Barcelona?

What's that?

Did he live in Madrid or Barcelona or all over?

Hemingway was Madrid.

Okay.

Yeah.

It's pretty sick.

You can go on a bar crawl there

In Madrid, yeah.

Yeah.

There's a bunch of like pictures of him at the bars where he would sit.

No, we're not.

Ernesto.

Not a big deal.

It's fun.

Ernesto.

Let me say it.

It is cool to sit.

Yeah, I've been to this.

Is this in.

He also hung out in Barcelona.

Probably.

Barcelona, Hemiway, absent.

Yeah, I went there.

It's cool because all the ones, I don't know how the ones you went, but it wasn't like big plaques of him.

No, it was just a little picture in the corner of a bar.

It'd be like if, like,

Cerveza Ria Alemania.

That was it?

You went there?

Yep.

Oh, there is a big fucking statue of him.

That does make it lamer.

No, the one to the right, I don't think that was, although it did have checkered floors.

Yeah, that was it.

I think there's a little picture in the window.

That's crazy.

I sat in that window on the right.

Wow.

I haven't seen that in forever.

If they had this for you,

it wouldn't be plaques.

It would just be like, here's Patty's.

There used to be a comedy club next door, so he would go over here a lot.

Yeah, he would scream at us.

What was his booth?

Like, well, it doesn't work that way in New York.

It's just windows open.

you don't just get a booth he would scream at us yeah

he was a real problem yeah he would drink

he would bomb and then come bother us

although i'm sure hemingway was a fucking nightmare can you imagine just being a hard ass all the time drinking

like like no i'll box anyone here yeah no one reports on if he actually was didn't he try to box like an actual fighter He was like, I'll fight you.

And the guy was like, Hemingway had no quid in him.

So I had to probably beat him down.

He thought he was like he I think he boxed some of his wives I could be wrong on that

damn there he is

always

Key West rules yeah it does

it's weird because he's just a writer so he shouldn't be like a manly man yeah he's a writer he you know he was in the army a little yeah

not the army he was driving an ambulance but driving

yeah he ruled he did rule i didn't go to any of the i read uh the The Sun Also Rises.

That was also a big Spain one.

And it was big into bullfighting, and I didn't have the strength to go.

You didn't go to bullfights?

No.

Ah.

I know.

I agree.

That was my thought.

Aw.

So, okay, so you're back at this fucking hostel.

You still don't have your goddamn

how to get to where you're going.

Shit sucks.

I got to stay awake to watch Notre Dame till fucking 4 a.m.

I'm just on a shitty laptop at 4.

I had water.

What did you eat?

Did you get involved?

Yeah, well, that was the first time.

I never had fucking like kebab.

Oh, wow.

I never, we never, I'm from Mechanicsburg.

I never ate like a you went straight to Spain to get some fucking Middle Eastern food.

They got a lot of Arabs there.

They do.

And that shit was

incredible.

But they moors are there.

Yeah, wow.

But no, then I was, you know, they give you a fucking little plate of shitty food with every beer.

So.

Oh, the top of it.

Yeah.

I got big into hamon, bro.

I ate ham every single day.

I thought

how is not everybody fat there?

There's no vegetables.

They

they were they were pretty health oriented a little when it comes to like

they would see me like binge drinking and eating ham every day and like the teachers at the school had to have like a meeting and they're like you need to stop eating ham.

All you're eating is ham.

We've noticed all you eat is the fucking ham.

I'm like, dude, the ham so good.

It's so good.

You ever see those big hawks of it?

Yeah, they have

every single bar.

Every bar has one of those.

What do you mean?

They have the biggest

hair.

Every bar had a leg on the side of the bar.

And, well, they would give you random food.

Yeah.

And every time I'd order a beer, I'd be like, come on, ham, ham, ham, this time, ham, this time.

Wheel of the hair.

So they'd give you like prawns, like full fucking prawns.

I'd be like, I'm not eating that.

Pull up one of those fucking big ham owls.

Or olives, just a bowl of olives.

Yeah, those are good, though.

I don't like olives.

Yeah.

It would get me into them there.

Ham hock.

You spell hawk, but yeah, there you go.

Come on.

Like one of those.

There's a museum of ham.

I was spending

time there.

I heard those are like, like, you can buy one of those for like hella money.

I would like to purchase one of those.

I'll eat it in a day.

Have it cured and just cut.

I'll eat it in a day.

It'd be sick.

It actually fucked me up.

What do you mean, actually?

No, I mean like

as if that wasn't going to fuck you up.

It was so much salt.

It actually had kale in it.

It didn't do me right.

That's how you're saying that.

It was so much salt that like my tongue cracked.

Really?

I've never talked about any of these.

It was very funny.

Oh my God.

Really?

You just kept eating cured salted ham.

All I would do.

Dude,

I thought I'd be cultured.

Cultured?

Yeah.

I literally went to the same bar in my town every single day.

I spent all the money I had on sitting in one bar.

What was the bar?

Do you remember it?

Yeah, Leuberstar.

L-O-Y-B-E-R-S-T-A-R.

That's in that small town?

No, it's in...

Sorry, Madrid.

It's in San Sebastian, Alcobendos.

Wow.

Hold on.

It's not in Madrid.

Type in Alcabendos.

A-L-C-O-B-E-N-D-A-S.

Dude, I got back from, I got an Airbnb in in

wherever, Melbourne, and they were like, the recommendations were like, try the local, meaning like the local bar.

And they're such fun hangs.

Yeah.

Just like a no-frills, just like people from the neighborhood come eat here and then drink.

Let me see.

Is that it?

I want to see you remember this place.

I definitely.

I've looked it up all the time.

Really?

You missed it?

Get a space in Loiberstar.

Get a fucking space.

AR space now.

God damn it.

Yep.

Who is doing this?

Who the fuck?

Why are you torturing us?

There you go.

Search that.

That'll work.

That's it.

Yeah.

Wow.

You remember it?

Yes.

Oh, the potatoes.

That was a good.

What was that?

That was one of the good dishes.

That was the potatoes.

You get that with the brewski.

Wait, they just give you a random food?

Yeah, they just get for you.

So, like, like beer and a slice, but they'd be like, beer and something.

Beer and something.

That was it.

I was in there.

I can just see young Shane.

Bro.

Young Shane just going, I'm on.

Come on, one time.

One time.

Necessito, Jamon.

Patata.

She's like, all right.

All right.

Artatos are good.

B plus, B plus.

Could have been worse.

What was the worst one they would give you?

I hated the prawns.

The prawns.

Just a full fucking dead shrimp.

Could you change it with anybody?

Like, hey, dude, I noticed you got the prawns that you had it last time.

I was so bad at Spanish.

Although, I would get drunk and try to.

Olamigo.

I would deliver them powerful speeches.

I would get drunk and try to deliver like an impassioned

Spain rules, fuck Barcelona, fuck Catalonia.

Fuck Catalans.

And I remember thinking.

I remember thinking them being like, damn, this guy's good.

And then the next day I came back for a beer and they were like, oh, no, no, no.

They're impersonating me.

I was like, fuck, dude.

I thought I was killing.

No, it's not like that.

Like, oh, yeah, we're impersonating someone else then.

Dude, booze lets you fucking practice.

Yeah.

Booze really lets you get good.

if I drink a beer.

I'm like, I'm definitely fluent.

Yeah, but the way it helps you like hit on a chick.

It's at least a hot.

Then it also helps you like, yo, amigos, tienes.

Complete confidence.

Yeah.

That's what you need to speak a language.

But so anyway, I'm in the fucking hostel.

I finally get a hold of the school.

They're like, okay, we can find you a house.

And I was like, oh, sick.

Again, I wanted to be

Hemingway-ish.

So I was like, I'm not going to live in Madrid.

This is where all the fucking gringos are.

I want to live up in the mountains in El Bion.

So they got me a place in El Bion.

It was a.

They were going to get your house in Madrid and have you commute?

Yeah.

So

hey, that's bold.

San Sebastian.

It's go away from the big city.

And Al Cabendos is in the north of Madrid.

So it's not that far of a commute.

But they got me a spot in El Bion, and it was,

dude, if I opened my front door, it was like a dirt road and a rock fence and sheep.

It was, dude, I was in the

hills by myself awesome no

what i thought i could do it and all the teachers that worked there were like you sure

you don't want to live here i'm thinking of coming you don't want to live here being there for a week no yeah i was there for six months but i got out of there they found me a new place in the city what's that movie where the guy cuts his finger off to avoid hanging out with that dude

banshees of inisharan that seems like a place like for real it was which it sounded nice because then i thought i could just walk to like the local the bar there sucked.

Oh, really?

It was right next to that church.

It was in that town square.

I hated that movie still fucking much.

God, it sucked.

I was disappointed in that movie because I thought it was going to be in Bruges again.

Yeah, it's just good scenery.

God, that guy must have sucked so bad.

Like, I'll cut my fucking finger off instead of hanging out with you.

Just tell him, no.

I'm busy, bro.

I don't have to cut my finger off to make the point.

Wait, so you hung out at bars there?

The bar?

There was one bar.

Yeah,

I was there.

I lived in that house for like three days and then i went back to school and i was like i need to live somewhere else and one of the teachers was like uh this older lady that would drive me to and from school every day she was the best and she was like my my mom has a house that you guys can you can rent so then i lived in this

house with like two argentinian dudes argentine argentinian argentin argentine i think it's both

yeah um

which they didn't like me but that's fine really no Argentinian.

That's the kind that

Tom is.

Is he?

I think so.

Chilean?

He wants to be Argentinian.

He pronounces the THs because he wants to be special, but he's not.

He's not special.

He's faking it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's a Listo guy, and he's trying to be a valley guy.

Do you like Argentina?

Never been.

Yeah, you better not.

I'm going.

I think some of your former enemies live down there.

Oh, yeah.

I got to visit them.

I got to hash it out.

We got to hash it out.

We got to hash it out.

Guys, let's just talk this out.

You keep avoiding it, but let's just talk it out.

Wait, so then what?

Oh, then I lived in, yeah, I lived in San Sebastian.

So then they took you to some other place?

Yeah.

It was nice.

I wonder if they're just like, this fucking American guy, we told him not to be able to do that.

Kind of, because then they also didn't give a fuck.

They didn't know I was even going to be there, so they didn't know what to do with me.

At the same time.

Did they have classes for you to teach?

No.

They would have to have given

to follow.

I would literally have to go into class and only speak English.

So just go into a classroom and be like, hello, how are you?

And

this is an elementary school.

These kids couldn't speak fucking Spanish.

They couldn't speak what?

Very little kids.

They're never going to pick up on English.

They're like, you just got to catch up.

Yeah.

And I don't know how to get you there.

None of the teachers could speak English.

It was.

Oh, my God.

But every day at recess, I got to go out there and fucking play soccer with them.

Yeah.

Obviously, I sucked at soccer, but I was the goalie dominated.

I could throw it to the other net.

And they'd be like, ah,

you play football with a kid?

He'd like, just go, like, this is about, dude, it's 10 yards as far as anyone can throw.

Like, throw more than 10.

Yeah.

Like, no way.

I'm about to throw 15.

Blow your fucking mind.

It was funny to watch the kids play soccer because they played like European soccer.

Like, they acted like they were playing.

One of the kids was a ref.

One of the kids had a yellow card and a red card.

And they would get fouled and like lay on the ground and roll.

Or they'd argue with the ref, and the ref would be like, a kid ref.

Yeah.

It was great.

How good good are fucking europeans at soccer they're pretty good every kid can just corner one yeah it was pretty awesome it was a wonderful time i miss it hi guys

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Alright, guys.

Let's get back to the episode.

Damn, how long did you go for?

It was actually like five months.

Did you get laid at all?

No.

What?

All right, here's the thing.

So

I just met a girl before I left that I was like obsessed with.

Shane, I hope you're not going to fucking

love this story.

Hear me out on this.

I love her boy, dude.

I was obsessed with this girl.

So then I get to Spain.

I want to leave right away.

Like I fucked up because you miss her so much?

I missed her that I was so, dude, I'm trying to be honest with you.

You think I'm proud of that?

I appreciate your honesty.

I'm being honest.

I appreciate your honesty.

And I had already started.

I was disappointed as a human, but I appreciate the honesty.

I already had started stand-up,

so that was another thing I missed.

Yeah.

Because I would go to the bar and then I'd come home and get on Facebook or whatever.

Why didn't you just go to Michelle Wolf?

And I'd see all the.

Yeah, there was no comedy there.

I would go home and look at Facebook, and the pictures would be local comics in Harrisburg that got to host at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone.

And I'd be like, those motherfuckers, they suck.

Yeah.

But the girl, I was obsessed with this girl, And

I wanted to go home right away.

Yeah.

Had you already banged?

Yes.

Okay.

And it was very nice.

Did you tell her you loved her?

Yes.

I was obsessed with this girl.

Did she.

She was obsessed.

We were gay.

Was she like, why are you going?

When we met, it had already been planned.

I'm a heavyway lady.

I can't have it.

I said, baby, I'm a rolling stone.

And then I was like, I love you.

I wish I didn't come here.

So, like,

dude, stuck in the hostel, I was, you know, I missed her a lot.

But then I got,

I loved Spain.

Question.

Yeah.

Where'd you jerk off in the hostel?

Bed or shower?

Bed.

I'd wait till the hot Australians were gone.

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead.

So you loved Spain.

But then after like a month, I got used to it and I started to really love Spain.

And then I fell in love with one of the teachers that I worked with.

Does she speak any English?

No.

Barely.

It's his heavyweight-ish.

So I was obsessed with her.

I mean, I wasn't obsessed with her.

We never did anything.

Never once.

We never even told each other we were...

Like, we would hang out.

Cute?

Yeah, she was cute.

Okay, can you Google that cute chick

in Madrid that Shane liked and see what comes up?

But

I was very, very faithful to the girl back home.

So I never did anything or tried anything.

But I was like,

I was obsessed with this lady.

I was like, she's so fucking hot every day.

I didn't know she had feelings for me

until the day I left.

She did?

When I went to leave, I was saying goodbye to everybody.

She started sobbing.

And I was like, oh, we could have been in love.

I'll stay.

I'll stay.

She liked you?

Did you connect in any way?

You must have learned some Spanish.

No, yeah, I did learn Spanish.

And she was working on her English, which was fun to drink and try to talk to each other.

You booze?

Yeah.

You didn't try anything?

No.

I regret it.

Hey, what are the YouTube rules now about psych if you're calling your friend that?

I don't think they love it.

Okay.

Delete it.

Bleep all those.

No, I just, yeah,

I blew it.

Oh, that sucks.

How old were you?

24.

24.

I know that age, bro.

I turned 25 and 40.

And you're just like, you feel a tingling and you're like, I think, no, I can't try it.

Yeah.

And you don't even know until way later.

Like, if you just tried, she's like, no, I'd be like, oh, no big deal.

Yeah.

And it was also like,

dude, it was the best.

I'd get to go to her.

Like, whenever I knew I was teaching the fifth grade class, that was her class.

I'd be like, oh, yes.

What do you mean?

You would go in?

So I'd go to classroom to classroom when I was teaching.

You know, they would just, and there was no plan at all.

They would just be like, oh, sure, change here.

And I would come in and be like, job.

Yeah.

Tenemos una maestro nuevo.

And I'd come in and I'd be like,

Qui pasa gaiesto, switching that up.

They'd all be like, how do you say my name in English?

That was, they loved it.

Would they love that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Jaime, you're like, Jamie.

Yeah.

Juan.

I'd be like, John.

They'd be like, oh.

But yeah, then when I would get to teach in her classroom, it was very, it was very nice.

I was walking in, we'd lock eyes.

I'd be like, I'm pretty sure she loves me.

How old is she?

She was probably 28.

Damn.

dude i feel really bad for you that's okay

i mean you'd have life you know recovered but like

no she was i'm just hearing about it now though so i'm i'm

dude i loved her damn yeah you would have been so much of a better person if you just stayed with her

the fuck

Why?

You're a terrible person.

What?

You're a shitty person.

I also wasn't with her.

That's the other problem.

She would have changed both of us.

She was a devout catholic she was oh she was a dream dude do you have a picture of her yeah do you really i can find it oh don't post it but show me

um

damn

wait you can see it hold on i don't have uh i don't have any internet oh i can dude do you need are you out of money do you need megabytes i don't have any internet megabytes i'll show you after you're are you out of minutes she's a sweet angel

but i was i told you i was gaying in love i was obsessed with my girlfriend back home yeah but i'll tell you what after a few like a two months in i was

fuck i don't want to go home yeah right yeah

and that but it was it was truly the stand-up that made me go home really want to go home and what is it about once you get there there's a certain amount of time where you're like i'm free now yeah like i'm not away from home i'm here and i also discovered that i wasn't the cultured guy that I thought I was.

What do you mean?

Which was nice to figure out.

Like, I would go to the fucking museums and shit by myself.

I'd like tried to be that guy.

Then I'd just go there and think about no dames playing Oklahoma this week.

I'd stare at a beautiful painting and just be like, No Dame's defense sucks.

That's who I am, dude.

I'm not another person.

Yeah.

Big Catholic town, though.

Yeah, Madrid's Catholic.

Fascist, too, dude.

What do you mean?

They had Franco for a while.

So they had Franco into like the 70s.

So there were dudes that would be at the bar with me that were like, fascism's good.

I'd be like, yo, no slay.

No upload.

I was at a bar.

I was at Leuberstar.

I don't mean to throw Leuberstar on the bus, but there were these two dudes.

They weren't regulars, so not putting that on Leuber.

Okay.

This guy, I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar, and he's like, check this out.

And it was his shitty, like, pixelated Nokia phone, and on it was him throwing a Nazi salute with a burning swastika behind him.

And I was like, BN,

okay, BN.

And then the waiter, the waiter, the bartender came by, and I was like,

bro, fascistas.

Fascistas aqui.

And he was like,

they're just fucking around.

I was like, that didn't seem like a joke.

He had a big

burning swash.

It's a photoshop.

Like,

damn.

Damn.

Yeah, Spain's awesome.

I can't wait to go back.

I love the

fascism.

Yeah.

Was it Catalan?

What was it?

Madrid?

Catalonians.

No, no, Catalan.

That's

Barcelona.

Yeah.

I love all the

Catalan flags hanging everywhere.

I'm like, they're just doing that?

The Spanish Civil War is pretty sick.

It's cool to look into.

Franco, bro.

Underrated in terms of the fucking...

Yeah.

Load up the plane and just empty them.

Beautiful right there.

Yeah, he would fly from here and then just fly out and then do a little dump and then turn back around.

I didn't know that.

Empty plane.

I didn't know he was doing that.

Yeah.

That's one way.

Yeah, you know that like that thing that opens like this?

Yeah.

The cargo plane?

He's just tossing dudes out?

Tossing dudes.

Fuck.

By like the the hundreds.

He must have enjoyed that.

Because

there's so many easier ways to kill 100 people.

He must have been like, this is a fun day.

I think he wanted no bodies.

So he's like, dump into the sharks.

I mean, he was a get way out.

He was a fascist.

He was a dictator.

He could kind of

have buried them.

Spanish airlift of 1936.

Oh, is it real?

Yes, during the war.

Damn, I was right.

Every memory I have, I'm like, it might be wrong.

For sure.

Putting all those people in there and just be like, nah.

You know, he outlawed, he said he outlawed their language.

What?

And he goes, we got to have one language.

So you can't, if you speak it, you're fucked.

And he goes, in a generation, it will be dead.

And he didn't understand that people were going to be like, no, we're going to teach to our kids quietly.

Yeah.

And then, like, that's what's, that's what my, that was kind of like my favorite thing.

I would go to soccer games all the time by myself.

It was great.

But that's what I liked about Spanish soccer is like, Real Madrid is like the royal, the white, the fascist team.

Barcelona is like the communist anarchist team.

Guess which team I liked, bro?

Come on, man.

Real Madrid?

No, I like the Atletico Madrid.

I like the shitty, like basically the Mets to the Yankees.

You ever see that?

You like Barca?

No, dude, that's not what that is.

What?

It's the Ecuadorian team, and they're so obsessed with Barcelona.

Oh, they copied Barcelona.

100% copied Barcelona.

They just have a local beer sponsor.

It's nuts.

That's pretty awful.

It says Barcelona.

Yeah, yeah.

They didn't even take that off.

Yeah, they kept the logo.

Yeah.

You would go to soccer games.

That's fucking.

I would go to Athletico.

I was at, so the year I was there was the year Athletico Madrid won La Liga.

So they were like, it was just a magical season.

It was great.

And I would go buy myself.

How much were games?

Cheap as fuck.

It was like 20 bucks.

Wow.

Oh, I had a British friend.

I forgot about this guy.

He was the fucking man.

He hung out at Louis Briss Star, too.

He might have been good.

He was a great friends.

Oh, yeah.

He might have been.

He was just an old, he was an old man.

Yeah.

And he was the man.

We would hang out constantly and we kiss.

What was he doing there?

In Spain.

I don't remember.

You know what it was?

I think he wanted to get away from England because I think he had a tough time and his mom just died there.

So he just went to

coming away.

Yeah, true.

I was not ready for it.

But

we would go to soccer games and he would wear like a press, he would get a press vest and just go into games.

Like no ticket?

No tickets.

You could just get a fucking,

yeah, like a traffic vest.

And Spain doesn't, no one, there's no structure at all.

Like there's no, everyone's just like, yeah, there's no lines.

When you try to wait in line, it's just a gang of people.

There's no, yeah.

Everything's just crazy there.

Do they speak both the languages or just Spanish where you were?

What do you mean?

Like, some people speak Catalan in Spanish.

Oh, in Madrid, it was all Spanish.

But I don't think there's...

Yeah.

What's their language?

But I probably wouldn't fucking know the difference.

Right.

Yeah.

Their language is Spanish.

No, but there's another separatist language there.

It's Catalan.

There's like Basque.

Basque region.

Yeah.

The North.

Yeah.

They're kind of separatist, too.

Yeah.

Is this how this podcast always goes?

Is this good?

Yeah.

All right.

I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be funny or just telling stories.

I mean, telling stories.

Yeah.

It seems fun as shit.

Yeah.

Especially meeting the people.

Like, who'd you become friends with?

That guy?

The English guy and the teachers.

The teachers were good friends.

One of the teachers came and visited me in Philly.

No.

Yeah.

She came to the Raven Lounge and saw me do an open mic.

Oh, that was another thing.

So then I got, you know, I got canceled from SNL.

Yeah.

And I haven't talked to them in like five years.

Did they suddenly see your?

It was on the news in Spain.

And they were like,

Shane, you're racist?

They're like, what the fuck, dude?

Why are you racist?

I was like, no, no, no.

I swear I'm not racist.

No, solo to Chino.

Yeah, I was like, solo coming

payo sito.

I'm a little clown.

That is one of the nice things about cancellations is friends you don't know anyway reaching out guy like how you been besides this thing how you been yeah they were just like oh man you're racist really disappointing no yeah

i was like guys i swear i'm not i went to like a a teacher's march they were like trying to unionize

they were very they were communistas oh really yeah what does that mean in spain to be a communist i think it's the real deal

Like, system of government trying to, like...

Like, yeah.

I think they had a recent issue with that.

Like, the socialists are kind of, like, fucking up their country.

Really?

I think there's...

Yeah.

I think the right-wing bros are taking it back.

To be communist?

No, no, no.

I don't understand.

To fight against the communism.

They got pretty socialists over there.

I thought socialism was communism.

That's a little I know.

No, no, no.

I'm saying, yes, it's similar.

I'm saying the right wing in a lot of European countries seems to be making a comeback.

And the right wing is communism.

No, that's left.

Doesn't it seem like Mao would be like right-wing?

He doesn't seem like a left-wing guy.

Well, left, you're confusing.

You're confusing the left-wing for being like.

Everybody's okay.

No, no, no.

They have that inequality neolibs.

Yeah.

And they're like, what are you doing?

They like the gangster people.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like, nah, fuck deficit.

Fuck the

bro.

Millions of people usually die.

Yeah.

I didn't know them.

That's all right.

So what did you, so you go to sports.

That is fun.

Yeah, that was good.

Sports is fun foreign.

And I would,

for some reason, they didn't love binge drinking there.

It's not like England and Ireland and Scotland.

The English countries love binge drinking.

These Mediterranean countries are kind of like...

What do they do?

They just drink all day, but slowly with like wine and chili.

Vermouth?

Did you get into vermouth there?

I did have some vermouth.

Nice.

Again, trying to be bugging.

I don't know.

Swamp.

But

I would get hammered, and they'd be like, are you okay?

Like,

we went to a...

Me and the teachers went to a concert in Spain.

Concerto.

And I...

Musica.

And I went and I was like, hey, everyone, watch this.

And I bit the top off a beer and chugged it.

And one of the couples, one of the couples, one of the couples went home, dude.

One of the couples that was with us was like,

and they left.

It's like, watch this.

Everybody's going to like me.

This worked in college football.

It's like Homer having a memory of the New Yorker version of himself.

This worked in college football.

Yeah, I was like, this is the only way the players on the team liked me.

It's funny because they have booze all the time.

And then everyone's just like, we'll do this responsibly.

And then Americans or Australians come in, like, well, we'll show you how to do it.

Not responsibly.

We're going to chug as many as we can and try to find cocaine from a gypsy.

You meet any gypsies?

No, I didn't like hang other than the one that stole my shit.

I've never met anyone.

I don't even know if he's a gypsy.

Who knows if he was even tricking me?

I might have just run away.

He'd be like, sir, sir.

Sir,

tell the phone out.

Great.

So sell it off.

He probably tried to get it back to me.

He tried to mail it.

He's probably a good guy.

Yeah, they hate gypsies from what I've seen.

Like, aggressively and verbally, outwardly go, fuck gypsies.

You're like, whoa, like, let them hear.

Yeah, they're serious about it.

Yeah.

I'm here with my husband, Mike Fecchillon, and I need to tell you something publicly, and it's that I'm concerned about your body odor.

That seems like something you should tell me privately and not publicly.

Well, it's 2024, and I'm making content, and I am exploiting you.

You're outing me?

Are you guys talking about body odor?

Yes.

Yes.

Couldn't help but notice.

I smelled you from a block away.

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Disgusting.

Hi, guys.

I got to break in to tell you about stand-up comedians and how they're liars.

Yeah, every comic is a bit of a fucking tall tailor, a fibber.

a mistruther.

It's going down a bad road now.

The point is, they they do podcast ad reads for stuff they don't believe in.

That's not me.

Today's ad read is for Gooder sunglasses.

I bought these myself with my own hard-earned money.

Do you know how much it pains me as both a Jew

and no, that's it, to have to pay for things that I would let her get offered for free?

Yeah, I bought these in Philadelphia, Mississippi.

I was there to watch Dolly Partner.

I was becoming the world's most romantic man.

So to watch Dolly Partner in one of her final shows before she passed.

And I stopped into a store there and I bought this pair of glasses.

Gooder.

G-O-O-D-R.

It's kind of like water, the way Philadelphia people say it.

And also the way they would say

better.

Good, Gooder.

G-O-O-D-R.

Gooder.

Gooder.com.

Gooder.com slash trip and use promo code trip and a checker.

You get free shipping.

These glasses are great.

I bought them.

I'm insanely happy with them.

When they came to me with the podcast I'd read, I was like, for sure, because I have more free glasses.

But it does pain me.

I said, can I get a refund on the ones I bought?

And they said, no, you bought that from a store unrelated to us.

Yeah, we supply different stores across the country with Gooder glasses, and then you buy it from them.

We can't give you a refund.

And I was like, can I talk to a manager there?

And they go, no, that's not the way this works.

This is a podcast ad read.

So I'm never going to get that money back.

But luckily, it wasn't very much.

It was about $25 with tax.

All the Gooder glasses are stylish, sleek.

They don't bounce.

And they're polarized.

What else?

They told me something else I forgot about.

No slip.

Yeah, that's 100% true.

They're lightweight and comfortable.

Look at that.

See how I'm squinting now?

My eyes are wide open now.

It's shining directly into the sun.

You don't believe in no bounce?

You don't believe in no bounce?

Does that look like bounce?

None.

Fuck it.

None, dude.

You think bounce?

None.

Well, not only is this a fucking great pair of glasses, legitimately, I wear these and they're my favorite pair.

Wait, are there any other pairs of glasses I've got that have been more great than this?

I got a pair of Dwayne Wayne's

in college.

The flip-ups.

Those were long gone.

No, currently, these are my favorite pairs.

And a KFC pair that got in Trinidad in Tobago.

Not great glasses, but it does remind me of Carnival because they love KFC in Trinidad.

Who would have thought that?

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And how can we make summer never end?

All right, back to the episode.

No bounce.

No bounce.

Slip.

Slip.

Nope.

No balance.

No balance.

Dude, this is so cool.

So what'd you end up eating and stuff?

What'd you get into?

Other than ham?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, it was a Burger King in Madrid.

I was crushing that.

Yeah.

Did you?

Trash.

Yeah.

You get beer at Burger King.

It's nice.

Oh, yeah.

They serve.

What is that?

Yeah, I go get drunk.

No, I would try to eat the local shit.

I became friends with everyone at this bar.

So like in Madrid, there was a ton of like English speakers and stuff like that.

The town I lived in, there was no one.

So like being being American was actually unique.

Cool.

And they were excited about it to talk to me about American stuff.

And this guy was like, he went hunting and he brought me some rabbits.

We ate some rabbits in there.

What do you mean?

Cogneja, I think.

What do you mean?

He brought you some rabbits.

He shot two rabbits that day and brought them to the bar because he knew I was going to be at the bar and was like, I got these for you.

And while we're eating, there was literally shotgun pellets in the meat.

Like while I was eating it, I was like, very good.

Thank you.

Wait, he just gave it to the bar to cook up?

He brought them them prepared.

Oh.

Yeah.

I was at this bar.

He was like, there's a pellet in here.

He goes, right.

Yeah.

He's like, I shot it today.

I was like, nice.

That's so fun to start being friends with everybody.

It was awesome.

That was so fun.

I want to go back badly.

Because also, you got away from fucking every touristy thing of like, I did people.

I did.

I would do, that's always how I'm going to travel.

I'm always going to go to the fucking shitty local dive bar and just hang day after day and camp out for three months.

Until people are like, okay, this guy's cool.

Yeah.

What are you showing me?

That's me at Lloyd ReStar.

Wow.

You're so funny.

I won't.

I won't.

Get out of here.

I won't.

I won't do anything.

What are you making fun of me for being skinny?

Turn your light up.

No, I'm not making fun of you.

I was going to say you look at Lloyd Star.

Turn the light up.

I'll send you these pictures.

You can put them in there.

Turn the light up, though.

Turn the what light up?

On the phone.

Why?

So I can see it.

Oh, you blind bitch.

There's my sweet lady.

That's her.

Yeah.

yeah what is that what is that i don't know where the fuck she is she just sent me that oh let me see damn she's cute she looks like toledo and spanish cute that was the lady that came to philly to visit me you know she would throw something at you if you're in a fight and it would like hit the over your head and you'd be like both like what the fuck damn what a time i miss all these people roberto and his wife who's named the amigo he was a teacher there damn

What did you talk about with these people?

Just how great America is?

No.

There's the boys, dude.

This is what there's the loyber star boys that's the bar that's the bartenders i would get up with

how much are beers this guy this guy in the back used to do magic like fucking it's thin segura yeah it does

the guy in the back used to do magic i didn't know how he did it the entire time until i finally i got home and looked it up he had one of those fake thumbs like you put a fake thumb you put it like a thing over your thumb yeah and you do a magic trick where you like you can pour like salt into your hand it just goes into the thumb thing.

And then you go.

He fucked me up constantly with that thing.

Every night I'd be hammered.

He'd come over and he didn't know what to say.

Oh my God, the memories are coming back, dude.

There was a little tiny, weird gay guy named Monito, tiny monkey.

He would come and jump on the magic guy.

It was fucking crazy, dude.

And the magician, the bartender that was a magician, he would always go, which nice.

That's all he knew.

I don't think he understood English at all.

That was his abracadabra.

Yeah, he would go, which nice.

And I'd go,

and I was, I know what you're getting at, but in English, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

Show me how to do that.

It was Monito.

Monito is just a fucking freak, dude.

Oh, man.

I miss it so much.

What a blast.

That sounds so fucking fun.

Yeah, I got to go back.

I forgot a job.

That shit's like a sort of frat party.

It was awesome.

And then

I went home and I never got to go back because i was poor and you know have you been back no i got canceled and then covid and then now i have money i can go back but i'm fucking busy you're busy yeah i'll go back we gotta go i know you gotta tell me i need to go to loyber star if they close loyber star before i'm back i'll go dude i looked up a hostel i stayed at in in myanmar the first one i was like it's still there and then it said it closed 2020 i'm like fuck

But you can still see pictures of all these places.

How cool is it that a fucking picture like this, even online, brings it all back?

It's crazy.

How long ago is this?

11 years ago?

Yeah.

Wow.

What's like the lack of responsibility of just like you have to go to teach, and then that's and also, dude, I could

get drunk at Loberstar and then be like, I can't go to school today.

And they'd be like,

literally don't watch it.

No one knows what I'm doing there.

They just liked having me around.

Did they pay you?

Almost nothing, but yeah.

So that's how you like.

But they got to a to stay.

I went over there with like $10,000

from selling cars, and I spent that all at Loiber Star.

Lloyd's Star is probably still

open from that.

From the fucking upstairs.

10,000 U.S.

came here and just passed it around.

Just give them an occasional hormone.

Don't give it him all the ones because that holds up.

He's going to take all the homony.

Yeah, you've got to go up and down.

Like, fucking internet gives you some

serotonin.

I would go.

There's one funny story.

I went to Athletico-Madrid games a lot.

oh, dude, it was the best.

At halftime, more ham.

Halftime's ham time, bro.

Halftime, everybody breaks out of Bogadillo.

Every single person there brings a sandwich in tinfoil.

And at halftime, you just see everyone like the whistle blows at halftime.

Everyone reaches in a bag, takes out a ham sandwich and a fucking sack of wine and just starts fucking spraying it.

A sack of wine?

Big sack of wine.

They love it.

What's a sack of wine?

It's exactly what it sounds like.

It's a leather sack, and if you squeeze it, it sprays the wine out.

Wait, like a fucking sake bar, or like a.

Is it like a Viking, like in Lord of the Rings?

Kind of like, yeah, like a leather, like a purse.

There's definitely a word for it.

Would they pass it around?

No, one guy would just.

Here's mine.

I'd be like, yeah, I'll get someone.

I nipple you.

Yeah.

Let me see that.

That's that.

Yeah.

Yes.

Wow.

Oh, there's so much.

So I was homesick.

You can embroider them.

And I was, I go to my first Athletico Madrid game.

Their mascot, so

Real Madrid, Real Madrid's like unofficial mascot is like a Viking because they're like the fucking fascists.

Like, we're Aryan fat.

The Athletico Madrids was a Native American because they're like, we're against that.

So, everybody that was a fan of theirs wore like American, like, Cleveland Indians jerseys or Atlanta Braves jerseys or Florida State, Florida State Center.

So, like, my first day, I'm drinking, about to go into the stadium, and I see a guy in a Cleveland Indians starter jacket.

And I'm like, you from fucking Cleveland, dude?

He's like,

I was like, what the fuck?

How'd you get that jacket?

And then another guy in Atlanta Braves, I was like, anything you're doing.

You from Georgia?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Yeah, it was awesome.

But I'm at this game, and this couple in front of me is like, can you take a picture for us?

I was like, yeah, I got you.

And I stood up and fell down the steps.

And laying down, took the picture.

And they were like, again, people were very concerned.

They're like, you got to go, dude.

It's so sloppy.

And you're like, no, no, it's good.

I was like, this is how I drink.

I remember taking it, laying down.

Yeah.

It was good.

It was a good time.

God damn.

Oh, we would go,

Lober's star would close, and the only bar open would be a karaoke bar.

So everybody would go sing.

Pour out of there into the other one?

We would go sing karaoke with the staff, and

they thought I was a good singer.

Because

everybody was singing English songs.

But you knew it.

But I could actually speak English.

So I was getting the pronunciation right.

And I would sing, and they'd be like, oh,

he's so good.

I'd sing fucking my girl by the temptations.

And they'd be like, wow.

Yeah, I'd be like, wow, this guy's incredible.

Although they might have been making fun of me again.

You're like, looking back on this, I was definitely shot.

Now that I'm an adult, hold on.

I'm not even close.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The karaoke there.

It was awesome.

It was right next to the bullfighting ring.

Would you?

You should have gone.

I know.

Did they?

Did they?

I lost it.

I got to sing in Spanish?

Yeah.

They, they loved to talk to me about shootings, like shootings in America, like school.

Like, uh, they thought it was big.

They're like, why do you have guns?

All these shootings are going on.

And I was like, how many people died in the running of the bulls this year in this town?

They're like, Venti.

I was like,

so shut the fuck up.

Don't talk to me about guns.

You guys are getting killed by bulls every fucking week.

Did you ever see Kai Humphreys fucking Sloss's buddy?

I don't know who that is.

He went to do the running of the bulls, and his buddy

got all the time.

And he goes, Let's go way in the back.

And Sloss is like, No, no, I'm going way, way up there.

And as soon as I hear any bull, I'm out.

And he goes, All right, I'll go in the back.

And they stayed up all night drinking.

And then he goes, As soon as he started running, he got jelly legs and just fell.

Oh, fuck.

And then there's a picture of him in the newspaper with a bull hoof like right next to his head.

And it's pretty much like dumb American, even though he's like Northern English.

God damn.

um yeah i have no desire to

it'd be cool to go see it trot with the bulls i'm not gonna be able to run fast yeah and then i'm gonna try to jump up the fence not be able to jump up the fence

you guys are gonna have to help

me

guys help don't watch iudame

iudame what else do you do when you're there for fun and stuff Do you go on hikes?

Do you go out in nature?

No.

Never.

Those pictures look like the fucking giant lake seemed cool.

They do have cool stuff there, yeah.

You just weren't into it.

I liked, yeah, drinking at cafes.

That was nice.

Go outside, like a sunny patio.

It was nice.

Was it hella hot?

No.

No.

Really?

It's pretty cool, especially up in the mountains.

Oh.

I thought Madrid was fucking boiling.

I was there in, like, the fall and

the end of the summer, into the fall.

Damn, that's so fucking cool.

I know.

Because that amount of time, too, is like...

Yeah.

Yeah, I have a weird thing about going on a trip, like a vacation.

I want to live there for a while.

I don't like going on vacation for like three days.

Well, then it's like get as much of the coffee as you can, get as much of the beer as you can, then go home.

It's not a casual, like

that.

Yeah, you like it.

You like living in a place.

You get to know a thing.

It's way different.

It's a second level that you can't unlock.

Right.

So you're there all the time.

We're like, today doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Well, it's even like Austin, like, get the barbecue, get the barbecue.

And then when you've been here enough times, it's like, where is there just a good salad?

Don't get the barbecue.

Where is there a good burger?

Where's there there a good stick?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They ate in Madrid.

I would eat, I would just be like, what's the local thing?

You know, I'd try to be that guy.

Be fucking like sheep intestines.

Be like, all right, no more of that.

No more of that.

Going back to Burger King.

Do you guys have pizza?

Like, yeah, that's all.

And I couldn't answer.

I couldn't ask what it was.

I was like, K,

KS.

And the guy was just like, bah.

I was like, all right, cool.

He's like, bah.

I was like,

it's for poor people.

We just eat the meat meat.

God, that sounds fun.

They ate a lot of

pig stuff, too.

Every once in a while, you'd get, with your beer, a fucking pig ear.

And be like, oh, fuck.

Would you eat them?

No.

You're not adventurous.

I'd get drunk and take a bite.

Yeah.

Did you get food poisoning at all?

Anything like that?

No, my tongue got fucked up from all the salt.

Hamon.

And what a wild thing is to be like, he ate too much.

No, he ate so much he had a a condition.

Yeah, something went wrong with this.

Remember that lady who ate nothing but chicken McNuggets?

No.

For 17 years.

I think in England.

I think it was 17 years, but only chicken McNuggets.

And then every organ failed at the same time.

Am I wrong?

Chicken nugget lady.

Oh.

She was 17.

Yeah.

17.

Oh.

Every 17.

Every second.

I never ate fruits and vegetables.

That's you, buddy.

Yeah, that was me in Spain.

If I would stay in Spain, I'd be dead from Hamon.

What were the bathrooms like?

U.S.

They were fine.

I went to Germany for a few days while I was there, and their toilets suck.

What do you mean?

They have those, like, there's no water.

It was like a flat, it was like porcelain with like a sink level hole in the back.

There was no water on the porcelain.

I was at a girl's house.

I took a shit.

It was just an open-air shit.

Yeah.

It's fucking crazy.

You're like, where is this?

It's got to go away.

Disgusting.

Yeah, look up fucking German toilet.

So it's just that?

Yeah.

And then no, how do you get it?

There's no water on the top plate.

Like the lady about to leave.

So you just leave a fucking open-air turd on the porcelain.

Yeah, it's just going to crawl down.

Flush it and it slows.

It smears down.

It's fucking disgusting.

You'd flush it with water.

Yeah, when you flush it, water comes down and rushes across the porcelain.

but it

smears a disgusting dirt across there.

I don't know why they do that.

There's no need to do that.

Normal toilet.

Oh, it goes way wide.

Yeah.

Yeah, just let the water level go.

That's really at the bottom.

That's it.

Bottom, bottom right, right there.

That's what happened.

Dan Witter.

Yeah.

Yapooja.

That's it.

Sits in.

Artists.

Ew, look at this lady fucking staring at it.

Yeah, she loves it.

Oh, that's Photoshop then.

It's really terrible.

What a perfect Joe List dump.

Did you take trips while you were there?

Wait, what?

He takes long ones.

Long snakers.

Really?

Yeah, he sends.

Always?

Always.

Long snake.

They come out in like question mark form.

That's good.

He's got a standard diet, I guess.

No, it's pretty bad.

He's just got a tight, tight neck.

He's got a tight hole.

A hole.

Yeah, anxiety hole.

Would you take trips while you were there?

I only went to Hamburg, Germany.

And that's it?

Yeah.

What'd you go there for?

My buddy Jamal's girlfriend lived there.

That was a funny thing.

He went to Europe before me.

Jamal went and played football in Germany.

White guy?

Yeah.

Yeah, white Jamal played football professionally in Germany, and he was like, bro, there's so many chicks.

He's like, get ready.

And I was like, ooh,

this is going to be crazy.

Didn't touch one lady.

Yeah,

without being able to understand what I'm saying, I'm...

It is a big barrier.

When you're a comic, it's like my skill is.

If you're going off just looks, I'm not the guy.

We had a contest at the commerce store.

We just would ask random women there that were like nice enough to talk.

We're like, hey, who's grosser?

The comics?

She'd be like, probably he's grossest.

Wait, don't you get him to vote?

It was never like, it would always start at like, no, you guys are all fine.

Like, you can get over that.

You can stop.

We don't need that.

Yeah, we want to know right now.

She'd be like, he looks like a skeleton.

His nose is obviously too big.

Yeah.

I knew I looked like a fucking skeleton.

Yeah, dude, I'm so jealous of this, of a long-term thing.

It was awesome.

You're late.

Yeah.

I'll do it again.

You think so?

Yeah.

Once the pressure gets too much with what I'm doing, I'll hit the fucking Chappelle, Africa.

Yeah, I want to have Chappelle on just to talk about the food he had in Africa.

And not like why he ran away.

What did you do while you were there?

That's what I want to know.

Like, were there any cool concerts?

What fucking river is that?

What is that line?

There's no river.

No, it's not the equator, buddy.

No, no.

No, it runs evenly throughout.

It's not a river.

Never mind.

These are all like trails.

That?

Yeah, it's like the Oregon Trail.

What the fuck is that?

Training?

Like a railroad?

I don't know.

Yeah, it's a railway.

It's a railway.

Wow.

Yeah, old-style map, buddy.

Pretty neat.

Yeah, I paid $7 for the use of this.

You got $7 for that?

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Where else do you want to go?

What's calling you?

I don't know.

I like Ireland and Spain.

Yeah.

That's kind of it.

I'd like to go to Paris.

I've never been there.

Paris.

Yeah.

I have no desire to go to like a shitty country.

What do you mean, shitty?

Poor?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Paris is cool because you don't have to do anything like tour.

Australia is nice, but the trip.

But wait, wait, when did you get back?

I got back a week ago.

How are you doing?

You caught up?

It took me.

It took me like two weeks.

First day was cool.

Stayed up till 10 p.m., even though it was like midnight at 9 a.m.

And I was like, and then I stayed up, slept at 10 p.m.

till like 8 p.m., 8 a.m., like sick, right?

Yeah.

Next day, sleep at midnight, wide awake at 3 a.m.

Yeah.

And then that lasted for a while.

Yeah.

Saw sunrise.

Dude.

So I was like, I'm up.

And I'm like, I'm near the East River Park.

Let me just go watch a sunrise.

I'd never do that.

So I did, then walked back, smoking weed.

And it was Sunday morning.

And it was just walk a shame time to see all these ladies in fucking night.

It was so cool to see i hadn't seen one in so long they're all walking with their fucking black kelly bundy dress yeah their heels either carrying them walking i'm like what are they going now until i realize like yeah oh people fuck here oh they all just had sex yeah disgusting pigs the dudes are the most disgusting they're walk of shame because they're like still kind of drunk and they're just eating like a burger just like with their fucking armani shirt open just spilling themselves um

yeah that fucked me up when i got back from australia that was

took me two weeks oh it's nuts.

Yeah.

We're into Zolo here and fucking at the seller.

After a seller's body, I was like, what are you doing?

I was like, I'm, fuck.

I've never been more tired.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Following seeing people's faces.

Okay, I asked everybody travel tips.

You travel.

I'm not the best.

It doesn't matter.

The only tip I have is try not to be a pussy when you get somewhere new at first.

Because I regret that.

Like when I got to Spain, I was like, I want to come home.

Try not to be a husband.

You're going to like it.

It just takes a minute.

You know, know, even people that have moved, when you move, a bunch of my friends just moved to Austin.

Yeah.

And they're sad for the first week.

Yeah.

And you're like, you'll get used to it.

You'll get used to it.

It's going to be normal.

I was so without, I mean, Jay and Metzger helped me a lot for New York.

Yeah.

But that was it.

That's all I knew.

And I was like, what are you guys doing?

Like, we're busy.

I'm like, fuck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Literally everywhere I've gone long term,

the first week, I'm like, there's a mistake.

Let me look at flights.

Yeah.

And don't

assume you actually know the language.

You don't.

Because that's a tough one.

Could you make jokes in Spanish by the end?

No.

You couldn't even do the humor?

You couldn't get that good?

No.

Kind of.

But

I went to visit a coffee plantation in Via Cabamba, Ecuador.

And they called it Via Coroma.

And the guy was telling us about it was like a coffee tour.

And he's like, yeah, because Via Cabamba and then Aroma.

And then whoever I was with was like, oh, did you know that?

I was like, Sias Obio.

And the guy started dying laughing.

Like, got one.

Yeah.

I could get like one word jokes.

Yeah.

But I remember, this is kind of a funny story.

I was starting to understand the language a little better.

And one of the, we had, so

the Argentinian guys that I lived with, Argentina does barbecue a lot.

So they'll go buy like 90 pounds of meat and just have a feast and invite friends over.

So we had this dinner.

And this guy was like talking about me clearly.

And he was like, Como, Wayne Rooney pero mascordo and I was like

I hear you bro those are hard words they also they called me Wayne Rooney a lot really he was yeah pull him up back then you saw what I looked like I was closer to looking closer actually me and Wayne Rooney are on similar trajectories now

there he is

yeah I had it like that yeah with the head up yeah

now me and Wayne now Wayne's gaining weight

he's fucking big now yeah Wayne got fat I saw him in the airport after the Super Bowl in Vegas it's pretty sick really not one person knew who he was that's so fucking just watched him walk by dude we had uh one of the door guys from the commerce doors from the south and some like country star came in and none of us yeah knew it all he just we were like he was like this way it's two dollars you know $20 tickets and you just hear oh

yeah yeah like what's going on the the reason also they thought I looked like Wayne Rooney is that was the only like real pale guy they knew Although even though they're pale, they also, they thought I had red hair.

Did they follow Champions League?

Really?

Yeah.

Did they follow Champions League?

Definitely.

They did.

Yeah.

And Premier League?

All that shit?

Yeah.

Yeah, because they face them once in a while in the playoffs.

Yeah, they play in the play.

But they followed English soccer, too.

Hey, when is American soccer going to take off?

Hopefully this World Cup.

It's in America.

It's in America.

And our team's good.

We got a young, solid team.

Although they just lost to Colombia like 4-1 last week.

They split with Brazil, though.

Tied Brazil.

That was decent.

That was huge.

You know your sucky team would be like, this is awesome.

We drew.

Yeah, fucking.

The first time I think we ever got a point on it.

And Brazil's like, fuck, okay, we got to do better.

Yeah.

And then they're like, we're ready.

We're ready.

We tied them.

That's a good tie.

Yeah.

But America, the thing that sucks is when America is a home game, the entire stadium is the other country.

Because we keep doing, we keep, I don't know.

Well, I mean, you know, everybody here is from fucking Columbia.

I think we played against Columbia in New York.

Oh, really?

I forget where we played them.

Yeah.

We always play Mexico in Dallas.

Mistake.

Yeah.

The whole stadium's green.

Yeah, you got to go to North Dakota.

Yo, you ever watch those games?

So Mexico has a chant where they call the goalie.

Whenever he kicks the ball, they scream it.

Really?

So they go, oh,

and they wait till he kicks the ball, and then they all yell it.

And then...

They keep the refs will pause the game and be like, one more, and the game's over.

To the stands?

Yes.

And they're like, we're doing it.

And they're losing.

Mexico's losing.

So they're like, who gives a fuck?

They do it the rest of the game.

And the American goalie's like, come on.

Like, guys, we're just trying to play the game.

Stop.

It's so funny.

Yeah, it makes you really like Mexico.

Wow.

Yeah, I love a good fan.

Homophobic chant that ruins the game.

That ruins the whole game.

We're not throwing anything.

We're throwing hurls.

Yeah.

You're being very racist.

Homophobic.

We don't like it.

Dude, I'm so jealous of that trip.

So am I.

The months long.

How long?

Five months in the end?

Yeah.

What'd you learn about, like, this is,

this is gay, but like, what'd you learn about yourself being there?

I told you,

I'm not that guy.

I'm not Mr.

Fucking having.

Culture.

Yeah.

That's good to know, though.

Yeah, I found out a lot.

My whole life, I found out.

I'm not a football player, not a soldier, not cultured.

Yeah.

Found it all out in my early spring.

It's like spring.

And you're like, I just want to read John Gusham.

I don't want to read for sure.

I just want to read a fucking spy book.

I

still like

those books.

Yeah.

But I just know I'm not the character.

You know?

Yeah.

The soldier one was a nice way to find out.

Like when I dropped out of West Point,

I was like, oh, I could never do that.

And then at least now I'm not the guy that's drunk at the bar being like, I could have been a Navy SEAL.

It's like, no, you couldn't.

If I was on that plane, things would have gone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, no, I know.

I'm a coward.

Yeah.

Being a coward's fun, though.

It's not.

You lean into it, you know your place.

I'm a watcher.

Something bad happens.

I go, whoa.

Was there anything else you wanted to tell me about Spider-Man?

No, I'm good.

Yeah.

It sounds fucking great.

I loved it.

Yeah.

All right.

Shane Gills.

I'll break in in the middle of it.

But once again,

watch tires on Netflix.

Shane's YouTube special has more views than

any special I've ever seen.

Oh, really?

Dude, it tripled after.

It went up and then evened out and then just kept going.

It's nice.

It's wild.

Yeah, one of the best comics working and legitimately

one of my

biggest peer pressure friend I have, one of you don't want to drink.

We're good friends.

The fucking far away from Shane as possible.

We're a good friend.

Here's my impression of Shane.

You can have one.

You can have one, then.

And then he tries to leave.

I go, dude, one more and then we'll leave.

I never see you.

I never see you.

I never see you.

I thought we were friends.

It is one of my favorite things to make my friend get as drunk as possible.

Or, like, I'll buy my friend a shot.

Yeah.

And they're like,

you're going to do one?

I'm like, I'm not doing a fucking shot.

I never do shots.

You never do shots.

Yeah.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Everybody, please subscribe to this.

And yeah, like I said, check out Shane's specials and

I'll do a wrap-up after this.

All right.

Goodbye.

Also, how do you like the new studio?

This is your first one in here.

It's really nice.

I grew this fucking alpha goatee.

Four goatee.

This is coming off tomorrow.

It really looks good.

Dude, I went to the Pixies and I was talking to some friends or friends that we met, and they were talking about.

And then I went to Piss, and I saw myself in the mirror, and I came back and was like, Oh, hey, I'm not a douchebag.

I'm dressed like this.

This is not who I am.

Why'd you do that?

Why did I do what?

The goatee.

If you think it's it looks nice, it's funny.

You look nice, you look handsome.

Go just Hitler's stash for Protectile Parks.

Fuck.

What?

I mean, yeah.

Obviously, yes.

Obviously, yes.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I wanted to just.

Please don't actually.

Come on, man.

We're picking up abuse.

I'll just carve CNN into my head.

Yeah.

My head.

Anyway, yeah.

So I'm going to keep changing this out with new fucking things.

I remember that mask you wore it on Legion of Skanks.

Wasn't that a great one when I came in after being gone for six fucking months?

That was great.

Stand up weird.

You didn't want to figure it out.

It was like, that's, I think it's South America.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then, and then I was like, it's me.

I'm already.

I'm back.

They're like, cool.

Anyway, so we got the segment.

Yeah, yeah.

No one gave a fuck.

You were like, I went through all this trouble.

I sat.

We shut the lights off, then I came and I was just sitting there being all creepy with that.

Diablo Uma mask.

Ecuadorian.

Fucking handmade.

What's Uma mean?

Diablo Huma.

I know what Diablo is.

I don't know.

It's like they have festivals all over, and each one has different.

These are for the 12 months.

And there's on the back, there's like eyeballs to ward off the spirits coming from behind you.

I don't know.

But it's a fucking easy gift to give.

Diablo Huma barbecue sauce.

Human's head?

Connects with the cosmos.

The Aya Uma or Devil's Head is a two-faced devil character in the Inti Remi celebration.

Oh, yeah.

See what I mean?

Just did it again?

The Itieremi.

Itieremi celebration.

Oh, yeah, the two-faced devil character in the Itieremi celebration.

Fuck you.

Go, Iggles.

Go, Merch.

Alright.

Bye, everybody.

Thank you.

Well, guys, that's the episode.

Thank you very much, Shane Gillis, for coming in.

Don't forget to check him out at the Wells Fargo Arena in October.

What a homecoming

for that guy.

I'm fucking stoked for him.

Please hit subscribe wherever you're watching or listening.

I'm trying to get up to 100,000 subscribers.

If I do, guys like Shane Gillis will take their time to come do the podcast.

Big names.

The bigger his sketch, the bigger names we can get on the podcast.

You want Andrew Schultz?

Yeah.

It's not worth your time yet.

At fucking 70,000 subscribers.

At 100,000, he's coming in.

Stavros too.

All these guys.

You want them.

Big name celebrities like Rob Lowe.

I already got him.

We've got a ton coming up.

Next week is Joey Diaz,

the Cuban egg roll, talking about his amazing trip to the United States of America.

That's going to be a fun one.

Hit subscribe so you're reminded.

Leave a comment in the post too.

If you have a recommendation, the comment section of YouTube is a big talking point where you get recommendations for places like Spain or like in this episode or anywhere else you've been.

People leave in the comments where they want to go.

the memories this sparked for them it's pretty fun it's pretty positive place which is rare for a comment section

that's it today's episode produced by your mom's house network is edited by Alan Caffey

if you've got a huge podcast and you're looking for a great ad place look no further than your mom's house

don't forget Adrian Appellucci's special the dark queen is coming

November 12th to Netflix same place tires is guys go check out season one of tires right now.

Or check out Shane Gillis's special, Beautiful Dogs, also on Netflix.

Or

live from Austin on YouTube.

I think it has the most hits of any YouTube special of all time.

It's very possible.

Maybe an Indian guy.

Probably an Indian guy.

Next week, oh, I already told you, Joey Diaz.

Joey Diaz.

Talking about his epic trip to the United States of America.

That's it, guys.

Sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com slash you be trippin'

follow us on social media you be trippin' pod every week uh we take the pictures that the guests have of their trip to these places and put out a post with a bunch of the pictures if you want to see those um

or

what was i gonna say i don't know i really don't know it's too early in the morning for this

guys that's it Thank you very much for tuning in.

The Ju vinyls should be shipping out this month.

They're 60% gone, 40% are left.

There was a misprint.

I fucked up on the misprints one of the sleeves, so I had to pay for new sleeves and transfer them all out so you guys can get the most beautiful.

It's a deluxe, fucking beautiful vinyl.

I love them.

I love them.

You guys will too if you like vinyl.

That's it, guys.

I don't think there's anything else.

Yeah, that's it.

Follow me on Instagram at Ari Shafir.

See?

Okay, guys.

Asta La Vista.

No, no, no.

Until next week.

Aca Semana Despuis.

Asa Semana Hantes.

Esta.

Hold on.

Ciao.

All right.

I don't know.

Bye, guys.

See you next week.