Cuba w/ Sean Patton | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Where you been and where you going?

This is our Reese Travel Show.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about travel today.

It's you be

trippin', yeah.

Welcome to you, be trippin', everybody.

Okay, welcome to the you be trippin', everybody.

It's the only travel podcast that did not abandon Bud Light for Miller Light.

Uh, my guest today is uh trying to keep him different.

My guest today is Sean Patton, one of my best friends for like a long fucking time.

How long have I known you?

You and I?

Yeah.

I'm going to 12 years.

It's got to be at least.

12.

More.

I moved to New York 12 years ago.

I feel like we really started being buddies when you moved here.

Yeah, maybe.

Because I knew you went to L.A., but it was like passing.

Yeah, and I was a store guy, and you were not.

And then it was like, if you were a store guy, you just stayed at the store drinking there.

Well, yeah,

I like to say during those years, I was a meltdown guy.

Because that was when the meltdown was still happening.

Meltdown fucking ruled for a while.

Which, by the way, the other night, like two nights ago, I'm sitting at the cellar eating fucking borscht uh second best borscht in the city i'm saying it for selka oh nice

a better borscht i'm sorry it's honorable if you're behind

but but still amazing borscht at the cellar and uh i'm having borscht and i look over and fucking kamale oh wow kamal nanjiani comes walk in i'm like oh shit man i stand up hug him i'm like what are you doing here and he goes I'm a comedian,

I'm like, okay, well, you're a Marvel star.

But he's like, oh, yeah.

And he fucking goes on.

Is he jacked still?

Yeah.

But he's like, I love that he hasn't given it up.

He's like, no, I like this.

Goodbye.

He's so jacked now, his face is jacked.

Wow.

You know what I'm saying?

Where, like, you look at his face and you're like, dude, your jaws have biceps.

I was in Columbia

when that picture came out.

It was like, God damn.

What the fuck?

I mean, an honorable thirst trap picture that really just went, made the round.

If you look at it again,

what's spectacular about it is

the flawed six-pack.

Flawed six-pack?

Where it's like, where it just looks like, it looks so, because it's not just like six equal size muscles.

It's all like, there's like mistakes.

Like, it reminds you that, like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you see what I'm saying?

It's just like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, it looks so real.

Yeah.

Like, it doesn't have straight airbrush six-pack.

It's like, look at that shit, dude.

Look at that.

Like, one of them's bigger than the other.

You know, it reminds you.

Like, hey, man.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's like

perfection is perfection.

God damn it.

Look at those fucking veins coming out.

He's a nerd.

I know, Jimmy.

He's supposed to be a fucking nerd.

The nerds got buff

and the right was like, no more of this.

Dude, we did it.

This is not happening at the improv.

And he was on and Burt was on.

And they had,

I think Bert was like, I don't know.

I don't know if they had beef or something or not.

But anyway, Bert was on.

And after Kumail.

Yeah.

And it was a long, long time ago.

None of them were big.

And he goes, oh, that guy was so funny from, you know, he's Indian comic.

He's like, I love the.

And Kumail's just next to to me at the impro.

He goes, I'm from Pakistan.

Yeah.

I mean, I mean, look at that right arm.

You're like, man, if only you were, wanted to do heroin once.

Oh, you'd have a no problem finding a man.

Just quick and easy.

But yeah, like the, but then, yeah, when, when you moved here,

who started kicking up?

Yeah, late night drinking, too.

It's patties, especially paddies, where you're like, oh, this is just, it's chill.

You can just drink.

The old standout.

No one drank.

No one drove home.

No one drive?

No.

I wish there was more hang.

The hang in comedy has become an issue.

Everyone's working.

Everyone's just bouncing around.

Everyone's got to do this shit during the day.

Doing this during the day.

You still hold it down.

Or bouncing around doing

fucking six spots.

That's what, well, yeah, sure.

Yeah, it's almost like you're only hanging for the last one.

Yeah, yeah.

And then the last one sometimes.

I got to go home.

And then half the people have kids now.

It's like, I got to go home, my kid and wife.

Well, when I explain, when I tell people sometimes, like, my last set on a Friday night if i'm in town yeah there's a high possibility i'm not going on stage till 2 40 a.m yeah you know what i mean you can also hold your booze too i can drink fast so then it's like you don't have to worry about messing up your set you're just looser no i'm just looser and i'll just care less

oh yeah i don't uh yeah you don't slur i would love to actually like i went on when i was living in atlanta filming for this fx show There was one night where I went on stage and I was like, I remember, I can remember before I went on being like, I am blackout shit.

I am fucking fucked up.

And it was because my buddy had come into town and we were day drinking all day, walking around Atlanta in the spring.

It was fucking amazing.

And we got to the Laughing Skull, which is a fun club, which is like their cellar.

Yeah.

Where they're like, yeah, it's a showcase club.

And we just went to hang out.

And the guy running was like, go on, come on, just fucking go up.

And I was like, fuck it.

And I remember standing side stage and being like, I am fucked up, dude.

And I went on on and I had a really fucking fun set,

but didn't do much material.

And then he sent me the set like two days later.

Yeah.

And I watched it and I was like, you can't tell at all.

Wow.

What a superpower.

Like, I was shocked at how little I could.

Like, there was one moment where I fucked up a word, but I was like, but you could argue that I did that on purpose.

Right.

You could be the dumb comic on purpose.

Yeah.

That's why I said Cross was in here this week.

That motherfucker can drink.

And we brought you up, and I was like, he was like, he's so funny.

I'm like, oh, but also, sure, sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

But also, what, what, what on the on the Mount Rushmore of drinking comics, not in terms of how much it was just like, you just, you're a fun drunk, yeah, I don't, yeah, you keep it going, you're not like, shots, no, you're just like, let's just have a great time, you just keep it going.

There was, I mean, I think there was a younger version of me, of course, that was like, put them up, put everything, come on, Jaeger bombs, yes, flaming car bomb, yeah, flaming Zambuca.

That was was my big thing.

What?

Flaming Zambuca.

If someone had Zambuca and they were willing to light it on fire, what you need 150.

What's the one to do?

What?

Liberty Bell shot?

I've never done that.

What's that?

Okay, I think it's Gold Schlager.

Okay.

It is

dip your finger in Gold Schlager.

Somebody matches, lights it on fire.

You do the shot.

And blow it out.

Oh, and blow it out.

Yeah, not Liberty Bell.

Statue of Liberty shot.

Not blowbell.

That has happened so many times that it needs to be warned, actually.

I can blow fire.

Yeah.

It's very easy.

It's very easy.

But you need 151.

You need 151.

You spit like you, you spit like you're blowing into a trombone

like that.

And you just pull and you pull the flame away from you as you do it.

Okay.

It's that easy.

Just

we'll do it outside.

I can do it.

If you have 151, I can do it.

I don't.

One day

we get footage of it.

Yeah.

All right, boy, Sean,

let's get to traveling today.

Oh, traveling.

Where are we going?

How about Havana, Cuba?

I love it.

Nobody's talked about Cuba before.

Really?

I'm thinking of going there

soon with Bobby.

Okay.

And so I want to know all about it.

I highly recommend.

Now, this was in 2015.

Okay.

It was a while ago.

But we went.

Before Castro was assassinated.

Yeah.

When he still was rumored to be alive.

Yeah.

But we went because two reasons.

One, it was my my boy's bachelor party.

Okay.

But he's fluent.

Who's Jeffrey Epstein?

No, no, no.

Different guy.

Different colour.

Different guy.

A civilian, though.

But he speaks fluent Spanish.

He loves the Caribbean.

Never been to Cuba.

And we were all in our 30s at this point.

So we're like, we're not just a bunch of fucking idiots.

But there was 10 of us.

But we did this shit where we created a fake email chain and then accidentally looped him in to this fake email chain where we were talking about his bachelor party that was going to be in Toronto.

right?

You ruined the bachelor party.

You ruined the surprise on purpose as a decoy.

As like a, yes, yes.

Who were those guys from X-Files who would like,

the government would feed them stories because they were like, you, you're not

with the long hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're nutcases.

So we want some real stuff to come out along with that.

But no one will believe it anyway.

Yeah, yeah, basically.

Yeah.

And so he like chimed in and was like, cool, I guess, I guess I'll pack, you know, but it was during the summer.

He's like, I guess I'll pack for Canadian summer or whatever.

We're like, ha ha ha.

And then we all all met.

Like, I was in LA at the time, and like, 10 of us, we all met in fucking, well, nine of us met in Toronto.

Yeah.

And we're like, fuck you, buddy.

We're getting on another flight.

And we were going to Cuba.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it was.

You didn't go to Miami right, you went up there.

Well, so back then, even though Raul and Obama, because that was the other thing, they had just like dapped.

And we were like, let's get down there before they start opening McDonald's and shit.

Because at the time, you thought Cuba was going to be the 51st state, maybe.

Wow.

You know, so it was like, let's just get down there.

And it was way

at the time, way cheaper and more options to just go through Canada.

Because that's the thing.

Because Canadians always never said that.

I remember when they said they're going to open up, and I had that same thought of like, it's going to be ruined soon.

And then Mike, what's his name?

Brunson's son had gone there for vacation, Rick Brunson.

Oh, okay.

And it was like, oh, you went to Cuba?

Like, yeah, we all go to Cuba.

I'm like, oh, right.

It's not.

It's just Americans who have gone to America.

Brits have gone there.

I mean, Europeans have gone there.

Canada have gone there.

Yeah.

So it's like,

it wasn't an Eastern bloc.

No, no.

It was fucking.

We learned, but that was the thing.

We flew.

This was the crazy thing.

So we flew into Varadaro first, which is a, I highly recommend checking this shit out.

Okay.

It's, it's two hours east of Havana.

Havana.

And it was like.

Varadaro, there it is.

Yeah, yeah.

And it had like a, it had like an all-expenses paid resort type shit.

Look at these white sands.

Oh, dude.

Dude.

That's real?

It's real.

Is this bitch there?

It's real and it's topless.

She's not wearing a top.

Or nude, I guess.

I don't think she's wearing a top.

It's hard to see.

I mean, dude, I tell you what, on that beach,

the best pina colada I've ever had because you walk up and it's just a dude in a little hut and there's only one thing.

There's only one thing to order.

So you just go one, two, time, dos, three, whatever.

He grabs a fucking coconut out of a little bushel, he chops it in half, scoops one out into a blender with ice, mixes it with rum, and then puts it back in the fucking coconut half and straw.

That shit was

wow.

And we had to use, now at the time, this was 2015.

I've heard people say you can use American debit cards and American credit cards now.

You definitely could not then, and they wouldn't even take U.S.

currency.

So we were told by the travel, we went through our travel agent.

We were told they were like, bring Euro or Canadian dollars.

Okay.

So there was 10 of us.

We had one dude, we called it the slush fund, who just at any given moment would have about 10,000 Euro on it.

Because there was 10 of us just out, and whenever we needed money.

That does not seem smart.

We went down there with, we had, I think, just under 30, no.

Yeah, we had 28,500 Euro total between 10 of us.

We blew it all.

We blew all.

How long were you there?

Five days.

You went through $30,000?

Yeah.

Ten of us.

We went, bro.

Okay.

We still, though, three grand each in.

I mean.

We went fucking buck wild.

It's batchless party.

We went buck fucking wild.

So first of all, guys, I got to break in real quick.

I got to break into the episode.

It's a great one.

One of the best ones we've ever had.

I'm not going to lie to you about that.

Sean Patton told it all, got excited.

Really let me know about what Cuba was like and what a fun trip that was.

That was a fun trip.

But I'm here to let you know about Sean.

He's one of the most underrated comics in the country.

I'm not joking.

I went on Joe Rogan's podcast right when I got back from Ecuador and he's like, what do you have to promote?

And I said, I got to promote Sean Patton because he's that talented.

Sean, Adrian, Mike Vecchion.

That's all I said.

I want you guys to see them.

He's that fucking talented.

On my show, This Not Happening, he was easily on the Mount Rushmore of Storytellers in that show.

And he's got a new show on FX, and it's about time he gets his due.

English teacher on FX premieres tonight,

September 2nd, 10 p.m., a two-episode premiere.

It's also going to be streaming on Hulu.

If you have that, if you don't have that, you just got to have everything, right?

Sean's great, dude.

You can look him up online at Mr.

Sean Patton on Instagram.

That's a nice thing.

Mr.

Sean Patton.

Follow him on Instagram.

Let him know you really liked him.

And then he's got some tour dates coming up.

Let's see.

Oh, he's opening for David Cross a lot.

Well, this weekend, Charleston, South Carolina at the Wits End.

Then September 11th in Seattle, the show box, open for David Cross.

Oh, these open for David Cross in Olympia, Portland, Oregon, Eugene, Oregon, Arcata.

Wow, these are all.

Oh, his own show at the San Francisco Punchline, September 18th through the 21st.

One of the best clubs in the country.

Let's skip the David Cross ones because there's too many.

God, there's a lot opening for David Cross.

Sales City.

Okay, here we go.

Benville, Arkansas for the Big Diamond Comedy Fest in October.

Well, that's all the way in October.

Anyway, check him out.

MeshawnPatton.com online and Mr.Sean Patton on Instagram.

And I got nothing to promote.

So I just want to say, could you guys please subscribe to this podcast?

Go ahead and hit subscribe wherever you're watching or listening right now, do me a favor, get my numbers up.

We've got an exciting September.

After this, it'll be Shane Gillis and then Joey Diaz.

And I want to get those numbers up to 100,000 on YouTube really quickly.

So do me a favor and subscribe.

And do yourself a favor so you get notified of these new episodes.

They're getting better and better.

Let's not lie about it.

Leave in the comments of the YouTube what you liked about this episode, your own memories of

Cuba or places you want to go.

And just like, I don't know, favorite Sean Patton stories and check out his show, English Teacher on FX.

He's pretty racist in the episode.

That's not a joke.

All right, guys.

I think that's it.

Let's get back to the episode.

This resort.

We get there the first night, and we're only going to spend one night.

At the resort?

Yeah, like the afternoon.

We got there in the afternoon.

The other thing, when you land.

Oh, let me get to this first.

We're flying into Cuba.

We're flying into Cuba.

And then the fucking Canadian, it's a Canadian airline, and the pilot gets on.

He's like, well, folks, the Canadian government, I'm sorry, the Cuban government is requesting we land.

And he said the name of the place.

I can't fucking remember now, but he's like, we're landing.

It's about a 40-minute quick flight east of Arredaro, but

we're being requested to land now.

So,

you know, flight attendants prepare captain for landing, et cetera.

So we land, and we're in this just small

po dunk.

You're looking out the window.

It's like a one-runway

airport with just like a little, looks like a government building.

It's not, doesn't look like a real airport.

And we are at that moment the only plane you can see.

And it's like, oof.

What?

And we're just sitting there for a while.

And then the pilot gets on.

He's like, well, folks, go ahead, grab your luggage and deep lane.

And he says it very curt like that, which was the freakiest part.

We're like, what the fuck?

And I remember we're getting off and we're like, bro, like, there's 10 of us.

You know what I mean?

So like, knuckle up if we got it.

I don't know what the fuck's going on.

And there's this Cuban official with a a megaphone.

They're like, everyone, please enter the building.

It's all very simple instructions.

Like right here.

And we're all, we form a single final line.

We walk into this building.

It's just a hallway.

And it's just, there's a couple, you know, Cuban people just waving you through.

And you go into the hallway.

And then you take a right.

There's more hallway.

And then another right and more hallway.

And then you're right back out into the parking lot.

And we're like, what in the fuck?

And then we're all just standing there.

And we're trying to ask, like, because now, by now, there's like people being like, what's going on and the cuban like the officials are just that's when you need a white lady well that's when you need someone to actually ask bro there were white ladies on that flight even they were like uh

because it was just like what the fuck's happening and then an official comes out with the megaphone same person he's like all right everyone back on the plane and now the flight attendants are there just like all right come back on and you get back on you sit in your original seat you know and the pilot gets on he's like all right folks uh we're gonna we're we're first for takeoff whatever and we're we take off and it's not till in the air that the the pilot gets on.

He's like, well, folks, that was

you basically all just walked past a heat sensor to see if any of you had headaches or if your temperature.

I mean, he was saying this all way more eloquently.

When was this?

2015.

So it was basically like, well, because here's the thing.

Cuba has amazing, an amazing healthcare system.

So they just wanted to make sure no one on that flight was sick.

or had a temperature above 98.6 or whatever.

Wow.

But I guess they don't want you to know that.

And I guess I'm guessing if someone was actually sick, they would have just been detained and sent back on a flight from where I don't know.

But we all just walk past the fucking headache sensor base or not, you know, temperature sensor to see.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Wow.

And then we land in Varadaro, and it's like, all right.

And then as soon as we get off, we go through customs and they pull us all aside and they're like, what are you doing here?

And it was fucking hilarious because

the guy who arranged it all, our buddy, was like, hey, man, you know, we got a lie, right?

We can't tell him we're going down there for a bachelor's party.

I'm saying, let's tell him we're down there filming a documentary, right?

And we're like, dude.

That's not a good idea.

That's stupid.

Why would you beat journalists?

Exactly.

That's the last thing they want there.

So it was hilarious because he goes, what are you doing here?

And he goes, we're filming a document.

And my buddy cuts him off.

He goes, we're on a bachelor party.

He's like, don't fucking let's limit a bachelor party.

And the guy laughs and he's like, okay, you all need to buy health insurance, though.

And it costs six Euro a person.

So we all

bought some fucking.

Yeah, exactly.

And then it's accessible.

It's fine.

It's like, all right, you shipped me up for six.

Whatever.

I'm not going to argue this.

Fuck it.

Who cares?

Yeah.

And then we got in.

You're like, we got stacks.

Dude,

six affects us.

Oh, my God.

And then just throw a fucking wad at him.

Just keep the change, bitch.

Just the shortest, the shortest thunderstorm ever.

I'm going to make it rain.

Oh, actually, I do need this.

It's a shower.

I'm going to make it shower.

But basically, like, then we get to this resort and it's, it's an all-expense paid resort, but it's real.

It was the first moment where you were like, oh, I kind of get what communism is because to everyone there, you're like, this is a nice, all-expense paid resort.

And, but to you, you're like, I have not really ever been to one of these five-star joints, but this is a really nice Motel 6 at best.

Wow.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, really?

Yeah.

And there was a bunch of people there.

There was a bunch of partying.

There's a big-ass pool.

But not luxury.

Not luxury at all.

There was

beer was free.

Booze was free.

You know, but it was like, yeah.

But it wasn't the

rough around the edges side than it was on the, you know, it was more the rags than the riches side.

You know what I mean?

It was still.

It was a nice rag, a really nice rag.

But we're like, you know, but that was the thing.

There, we met a bunch of Americans who were like,

Do y'all want to meet up tomorrow?

They're like, they were talking about all these events, and we're like, well, actually, we're going to go to the beach tomorrow and then we're going to Havana.

And they were like, why?

This is awesome.

And we're like, wait, did you guys just come to Cuba?

To Verdugo?

To Varadaro

to just hang out at this resort?

And they're like, yeah, it's amazing.

The beaches are amazing.

And you'll see.

And this is just fun.

I'm like, it's Havana.

Yeah.

It's a fucking world.

Hemingway fucking lives there.

Like, you don't want to go.

What?

You don't want to go to Havana?

And they're like, no, it's crime and all the trash.

You're like, it's a city.

Yeah, there's crime everywhere.

Everywhere.

But we would learn later.

Not in Cuba.

Not in Cuba.

What do you mean?

The crime rate is insanely low down there because if you're a criminal, they could cut your fucking hands off.

That's the thing.

Whenever you meet a 23-year-old who's like, I'm a communist, I'm like, go to Cuba.

And then let's talk about communism.

When you see it in action, you're like, no,

no.

Too restrictive.

It's just they don't have.

I mean, this was in 2015.

I've heard it changed.

Nowhere had internet.

Hotels had internet, but it was modem only, slow as fuck.

Libraries,

libraries were basically very tiny, and all of the books were curated.

There was no advertisements for anything anywhere, which at first you're like, ah, refreshing.

But then you're like, oh, yeah, because there's no businesses.

Everything's government-owned.

Everything's government-owned and operated except the hotels.

And even those are probably government-owned and operated.

And bars you went to.

There were bars and shit, but they were very basic, sold booze.

Yeah, what was the look of the dude?

What was the look of the bars?

I mean, was it like concrete or was it like

there were a couple of outdoor spots on the wall?

Listen.

So

we party at the resort.

It's a fucking awesome time.

The next day we go to the beach.

I already talked about the pina coladas, topless women everywhere.

And it looks exactly like this.

It's fucking beautiful.

And then we have to get on a two-hour bus ride to Havana.

And look, we're all half-cocked.

We've bought a shitload of Cohibas at this point.

Can you get them regular?

They're cheap there.

They were just fucking everywhere.

So we're just buying them.

You could buy bottles.

And we had chartered a bus, right?

For 10 of us.

But then there was also other people on the bus.

Because it was the kind of thing where it's like, hey, do you guys, you can have the bus, but also can we put more people people on it as well?

And we'll just give you guys space.

So, we had like the back half of the bus, and then there was like a couple people up front, also tourists.

But we're just like drinking rum, smoking fucking cigars, and they're and it's this amazing, insanely scenic drive, right?

It's a beautiful like jungles and shit.

Oh, really?

From Varadaro to Havana, it was fucking amazing.

And it's as we're pulling into the hotel, my buddy Darius, the bachelor, he just goes, Oh,

I left my passport in Varadaro.

And we were like, What do you mean you left your passport in Varadaro?

He's like, Yeah, I put it in the safe in the hotel.

I didn't get it.

And we were like, Well, I guess you're living in Cuba.

Because

what the fuck are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

I mean, he's fluent in Spanish, which is like the one thing.

I was like, You do speak the tongue, so but you're fucking staying.

What are we supposed to what?

I mean, what you were gonna four more hours?

Well, dude, here's what we do.

We get to our hotel.

We check in.

We tell.

And it's like everybody speaks pretty good English in Cuba.

They're all because their education is really good.

Their medical,

their healthcare is amazing.

Interesting.

And they're amazing at two more things.

Baseball, or three more things.

Baseball, obviously.

Live music.

Some of the greatest live music I've ever seen because they don't have jukeboxes.

They don't give a shit about that.

So every bar had a live band and they were all excellent.

And sex work.

Everyone there is a sex worker.

Damn, you skip right over cigars.

Yeah.

I mean, cigars are

cigars.

We knew this already.

Yeah, all right, right, right.

But like, but like.

Sex work.

They're just good hookers.

Well, no, no.

Everyone.

Being a sex worker in Havana or in Havana anyway, is like driving for Lyft or Uber.

Everyone could do it if they want to.

You learn that pretty fast.

Whoa.

Like, because my buddy, the first night we were there, he's like hanging out with this amazingly hot cube, and we meet her her at this bar.

She's hanging out with this.

And he takes her back to the room.

And then he like comes back and he's like, I need money.

And basically she was like, hey, I'll fuck you, but I'm never going to see you again.

So $200.

$200.

And he pays her.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

And then like you're at the bar.

$200.

That's not bad.

And then you're at the bars and women are talking to you.

And some of them are 1,000% obvious sex workers.

And they're pitching you right away.

And then some of them are like, they're dressed down a little bit, but

they just look like normal, but they're being a little more flirtatious.

And sometimes it's like, oh, you're American.

They don't see a ton of Americans.

But then other times you're like,

you're, so if we were to leave here, and they're like, I would.

Maybe it.

What would it take?

How much do you want me to come hang out with you?

And you're like,

I see.

But it's like, it makes sense to me.

It does make sense.

It makes sense.

You would like a price tag around their neck, but it's almost like, nah, flirt me into making a bad financial decision.

Like, I kind of get that across the board, especially for like American girls.

If you're like a young, hot, promiscuous-minded person and you know a guy's got money and you're like, you know what?

I'm horny enough and I could use a grand.

Yeah.

What's the harm in that?

I like the ones in Vegas where anyone's dressed like prom is like probably a hooker.

And then if, unless they're maybe on prom, and then if you're like, hi, if they don't just like ugh and walk away, like, that's a hooker.

Yeah, dude.

Like, the straight up, but, like, that shit.

To dress normal girls is almost like more enticing.

A thousand percent

because you feel like you're actually winning them over or something like that, or it's like you never do this, right?

I'll change your life if it's 200.

And like they're already come dripping out of you.

I mean, and I'm talking about like, and you just, you gotta, it's, I'm talking about Cuban women.

Right.

It's just a different, it's amazing.

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Well, that was the thing about walking around in a communist country.

Like, the first thing you notice,

no obese people.

Oh, no extra food.

Exactly.

So, like, at first you're like, wow, everyone here is fucking hot and in shape.

And then you go, oh, but wait a second.

They don't have the option to be fat.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Or like obese.

You saw a couple.

You saw, you know, some people are just pudgy naturally.

You know, but like.

It's babyweight.

But, but, but I'm saying, like, you didn't see any, like,

you know, you didn't see anything like you see now, like, families in Walmart that are all wearing athletic gear or athletic suits because it's the only thing that's like.

Do they have like the black Latina like that?

Yeah,

they had that.

A lot of that.

A lot of,

like,

I think people from the Dominican Republic would go there.

Or, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure.

Hot Cuban girls and hot Cuban women.

Dude, every woman you saw in Cuba was outlandish.

Damn.

All of them.

Yeah, so that's like someone you'd want.

Like, it's not like some, like, some of the girls in Thailand are like, ugh, what am I doing this for?

No, yeah, it's not.

I mean, I've never been in Thailand, but, like, yeah, they were all every, like, I remember there was one night where, so there's 10 of us, you know,

the bachelor and probably four other guys had, did not have,

or all had, you know, wives and girlfriends, so they were all checked out.

But there's, and I had, I was with Caitlin at the time, so I was like, nah, you know, but there was three dudes there who we all, three of our buddies, who we all lived vicariously through.

Really?

Oh, because they were just going fucking ape shit.

Like every, like,

twice a night.

What a specific type of dude behavior where, like, I need you to do this, man.

And they were like, Yeah, sure.

Yeah, but like, like, every bar we go to.

When I go to the beach with my friends, we do beach weekends, and they're like, You're trying to get laid this weekend.

I'm like, No, guys, I'm hanging out with you.

We see each other once a year.

They're like, You can get laid, though.

I'm like, if I wasn't with you, maybe, but guys, I see you once a year.

We're all hanging out with you.

We're catching up, man.

We're all getting older.

Like, please do this.

Please, yeah.

Oh, dude, 100%.

Like, there was motherfuckers just like, you were cheering them on.

You were like, like, go put yourself in a dangerous situation well that was the thing too like

like

so

i went with my one buddy because that was that was the weird thing was we're at the so it was i so this is still in in bardar no this all him out

oh because that was the other thing we check into the hotel right we tell we tell the my buddy tells the the the receptionist like hey i'm fucked i left can you call yeah yeah yeah it's like i left my passport she's like well here call the call that hotel and he calls He's like, hey, so I was in this room.

I left my passport.

We're all expecting them to be like, sorry, didn't find anything.

And they were like, oh, no, we were expecting your call.

Yeah, we have it here.

We'll hold on to it for you.

And so it was like, oh, okay, thank you.

So then he says that out loud.

And the receptionist is like, yeah, just get one of the taxi guys.

They'll go do it.

Just pay them for it.

But just like, give a, go.

Just go grab one of the taxi guys and like.

How much would it cost them two hours and back?

We were like, what would be reasonable?

And she was like, I don't know.

Ask them.

So we're like, all right, fuck it.

So we find this dude, Pepe was his name, coincidentally enough.

And he's like, I'll do it for 100 Euro.

And we were like.

Five hours of driving.

Four hours,

hello, and then right back in your car.

And he's like, yeah, gas included?

He just said that.

And we were like, all right, man, fuck it.

Yeah, you'll do it.

And he's like, yeah, right now.

See, and he's like, and it was like 4-ish p.m.

at this point.

He's like, yep, see you at 8 p.m.

Just meet me me here.

And we're like, all right.

Or, you know, 8.30 or something.

I'm like, cool.

And so we go dick around.

We're having fun.

We go to what's called a paradadros, which is, I think I'm saying it right, but like, it's the restaurants in Cuba all suck.

So people turn their houses into restaurants.

No.

So you go to these restaurants.

Do you have pictures of these things?

That was the thing that pissed me off the most.

None of us thought.

to take pictures.

Wow.

And none of I specifically did not bring a fucking phone charger.

So

my phone died the first night.

I'm sorry, not a phone charger, an adapter.

So my phone died the first fucking night in town.

And I was like, well, cool.

But yeah, you'd go into people's homes.

What was it called?

The Paradero?

The way I'm remembering it was said was Paradaros.

But I am going to fuck.

Okay.

And it's just.

Paradisos?

Verdero?

Do you want me to call my friend and get him to say it?

No, it's okay.

Okay, because he'll fucking

hear my.

But you'd go and.

And so you could just go to someone's house and they cook for you?

And you walk in, and it's like the living room has like four tables.

And then the rest of it's just the house.

What was the food?

It was, that's the thing.

It wasn't very, it wasn't like mind-blowing because it's not, they don't have great ingredients.

They don't, it's all government control, but they get the stuff from the government.

And like,

when you think about Cuban food, it's never in the running for like, it's like Italian, Indonesian, Thai, Chinese, Mexican.

No one thinks of Cuba in that top 20 list.

And also, like, Cuban sandwiches were invented in Miami.

And those aren't even like, wow, it's just like, I'm on a Cuban sandwich today, but you're not like.

Exactly.

I mean, it's slightly above a BLT.

And exactly.

And, like, you'd say, like, because we did that at the hotel one night.

Red beans.

Like, okay.

Yeah, we were at the hotel one night drunk.

We're like, can we get, because I was thinking, Cuba is a true 24-hour city.

Really?

So shit just, or Havana.

It just, nothing closes.

It's just like, yep, it's just the bartenders will be in there.

And so we were at this hotel bar and we were like, can we get some, where can we get Cuban sandwiches?

And the guy was like,

Miami.

And we were like, ha, nice.

Really?

Yeah.

He was like, all right, yeah, we get it.

It's not a Cuban thing.

Oh, it's a Cuban thing invented in America.

You know, Pat Thai was invented by a cowboy in Thailand in the 70s.

A cowboy?

An American cowboy.

We call him a cowboy.

Yeah.

He helped make Papong and all that place.

He wanted something different.

And it's just, they all eat it now.

Well, also, like, what was a cashew nut chicken invented in Springfield, Missouri?

No.

Yeah.

Springfield, Missouri.

Yeah.

That's like when you go to Springfield, Missouri, they're like, hey, have you had

cashew not here?

And you have it, and you're like, it tastes like everywhere else.

Yeah, I love those places.

Like, you got to have it here.

I'm like, no, no, it was invented here, but it's not like.

Or like

Anchor Bar in Buffalo.

We invented the Buffalo Wing.

I'm like, yeah, but everyone passed you.

Yeah.

It's not fresh as well.

Or like most cities in the Midwest.

Like, have you had cheese curds?

Like, no, but I've had mozzarella sticks.

I'm not.

Sorry.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but the only time it's good is like, have you had halibut that we caught an hour ago?

Yes.

You know, that's like, okay, great.

Fine, yeah.

Seafood?

Yeah.

You know, I could be a purist about New Orleans.

I mean, I do.

Yeah, New Orleans.

I will argue that nowhere outside of New Orleans has mastered New Orleans food even come close.

Not even novice mastered it.

Noviced it.

There's no place here in L.A.

How's that place in Denver?

Nolins?

It's not bad.

It's just they do little things wrong.

I mean, David and I went to this place.

david cross and i went to this place in bloomington uh in bloomington indiana that was like

a new orleans chef and like a new orleans guy and my ultimate test of new orleans food is red beans and rice because

that's a cheese pizza such a fucking simple yes it's a simple it's also my favorite new orleans dish it's just but they have that in cuban too it's kind of overlaps right what uh red beans and rice red beans and rice no not not like that not like different styles yeah like completely different yeah and the this guy like was i remember the waiter being like oh our red beans and rice are world renowned i'm like we'll see and they and it was like they just they brought it it was the wrong rice wow you're supposed to use fat fucking jasmine rice and they brought out basmati rice also you're supposed to

dad was a fucking chef yeah still and like so it's like you you just it's everywhere does like there's a place here that does good poboy like sandwiches but they do it on the wrong bread you know and there's places that like that's how mexican is They try to find actually, I mean, California does it well,

especially the Tex-Mex tacos in general, Nora and SoCal.

But, like,

we finally found a place, one truck that was like, oh, this one's good.

And then we went to Mexico City and had a bunch of tacos and then came back and went to that place.

We're like, oh, it's bullshit.

We just, we're so devoid of anything.

They're like, oh, that's how I am with Nolans in Denver.

We're like, all right, gumbo.

And you're like, yeah, but then

you ever been to Yats in Indy?

No.

That's.

I'll give it a go.

Give that a go.

Because they're placing Gumbo.

In the place in Denver, I remember I had the Gumbo, and I was like, this is a light roux, though.

The roux's not dark enough, and it just kind of, it's more of like a spicy soup.

It's such a cunt.

A spicy soup.

But like,

it's what gumbo needs to make.

Find your trigger.

It's like you'll walk out of a room and somebody's like, you went and ordered a matcha ball soup and it all came out in squares.

Yeah.

Like, that's just a fucking matcha soup.

It's not matchable.

Who cares, man?

Like, no, you don't understand.

Matcha cube soup.

It's not the same fucking thing.

It's so fun to find a comedian's trigger.

It's never what you'd think.

But it will make them leave a room if the joke is like, nope, nope, I'm out of here.

Dude, it was fucking ridiculous.

Okay, so

we go fucking around.

And we're fucking around and we get back to the hotel.

And motherfucker Pepe shows up on time

with the passport.

And we drop.

So he asked for 100.

We gave him 250 Euro.

And he was just like, he hugged all of us and was just like, just hugged us.

And we're so fucking happy.

And then one of the hotel guys was like, yeah, you guys realize you just gave him like a month's salary.

Wow.

He was already like

100, he's like, I can't believe I took these guys for 100.

Exactly.

Like, and we doubled it in a hat.

We like, we like blackjacked him.

We like gave it double in a hat or whatever.

You know, you're like, when you win a blackjack.

It is nice.

It also does fuck up the economy.

But it was also like, you know, and they're like, all right, great.

And then we went out and we fucking, we rented the, we found these.

So like, we started calling it UBA.

Because basically, if you want to ride in Cuba, in Havana, just stick your hand out.

No, no way.

Fucking civilians will pull over.

We're like, how many?

Where do you want to go?

And charge you, or just...

Yeah, there's taxis, too, but like.

Like, I'll do it.

I'm going that way.

And we found these two brothers who owned a 57 Chevy and a 57.

Oh, yeah, the cars.

Yeah, they own the cars.

And like, they explained it to us.

They were like, our grandfathers passed these down.

The engines have been rebuilt.

We have to rebuild them every, we have to, like, upkeep, but, like, they get passed down from generation to generation, and they're everywhere.

I do actually

have,

I'll fish it out for you.

The one picture I took was as we arrived.

I, uh, because

as we arrived in Havana, I took it on my buddy's phone, who had, like, a little bit of juice left.

I sent it to myself.

So I have one picture of a bunch of these cars parked.

But, like, we found these two, they were brothers, and they were like, there's 10 of you.

We can fit five in each car.

And they're like, we'll just drive you around all night.

And we were like, for how much?

And they were like, and they talked for a minute.

They're like,

10-year-old person?

And we were like, what?

Yeah.

I was just like, right before you said, yeah, they go, six.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, you said yes, you said yes.

Like, okay, okay, four.

Okay, five, five.

I didn't know you guys were.

I mean, 40 apiece.

But, like, they drove us to this real Russian restaurant because, like, those are legit Russians.

Oh, yeah, the communists.

Oh, wow.

So, we had some, like, real pierogi, real Russian food, real boring, like, hardcore boring.

Russian food in Cuba, of course.

Of course,

of course.

Yeah.

And then they took us,

they took us to this, like, there's no beaches in Havana, but it's a seaside city.

So, or oceanside city.

So they took this like oceanside bar, and we got fucking crazy, wild fucking Chevy.

And they would, they, and, like, they took the three, the, the three cowboys, they took them on hooker banging runs.

Really?

Like, they drove them to go, yeah, yeah,

so

and uh

dude, it was awesome, and we were getting fucking wasted, and they drove us back to the hotel, and then we wanted to go to this one other bar, like on the other side of town, they were still just hanging out, and they drove us there, drove us back, and we gave them $15 a person and like, or $15, and they were like, oh, you know, we're like, yeah, guys, we're fucking, we're the kings.

And, I mean, it was nuts, dude.

Was this how it was?

The cars?

I've heard of the cars.

They don't have enough money to, this even article says it's a sign of their deprivation or not.

Like, cool.

But I have heard it's like all these old cars and they're everywhere.

Yeah.

Is this like a normal scene?

Yeah.

100%.

100%.

Wow.

And they're, and they're all like rebuilt with like, the engines are rebuilt with like.

They just keep the bodies.

They keep the bodies.

Yeah.

They just like, they'll take engines out of shittier cars.

And or, you know, yeah, but they're everywhere, dude.

They were fucking everywhere.

And it's awesome to see.

You're just like, wow.

But like, you, and when you get in one of those things, it smells.

It's got that old car smell.

Like, it's got no shocks.

Yeah.

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But like, dude, so one night, the last night we were there, or second to last night we were there,

one of my buddies wanted to go.

I went with him

to go because we were at this bar and it was like our third or fourth night.

We're all a little more.

We were at the hotel bar of the hotel that Jay-Z and Beyonce stayed at, right?

What?

Yeah, they stayed at some, I can't even fucking Hotel Presidente, I believe it was called.

Maybe.

Yeah.

They stayed at some hotel in down, like downtown Havana.

Yeah, we were kind of like in like uptown Havana.

They stayed like downtown.

We went to there and we were drinking on the roof and we're smoking cigars and we're having a good time.

And there's, of course, women on the night.

And one of my friends, the guy was like, he's like, I want to do it, man.

Will you come with me?

It was like the kind of thing.

He was talking to getting a hooker.

Yeah, and it was the thing where it was like, I've known this dude forever.

And it was like, all right, come with me to do what?

hold his hand because like act like it's his wife that he's cucking but that was the thing he's just like it's weird because she wants he'd already talked to her he's like she wants me to go with her to her place but i'm like i'm like i'm like dangerous he's worried about danger but i'm like motherfuckers have been doing it all week yeah right right right what are you worried about

it i'll go with you but then that there was that side of me where i was like i'm just curious yeah

so i go

and uh

i go and it's a we get in the car with a dude and and the girl and two in the back seat.

And she's like,

her English was really broken.

She's like, I don't,

I only do one.

And I'm like, no, no, no.

I'm like, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm just coming.

I'm like, coming, you know, me amigo, just coming to hang out.

I'm like, my terrible Spanish.

I'm like, your buddy is gay.

Not like you would think gay, gay in a different way where he's scared to fuck a hooker.

My buddy is

not gay, but definitely a hooker.

Like a pussy.

Not gay, but definitely a pussy.

Definitely, definitely.

But not gay at all.

Nothing to do with that.

Let me teach you about American colloquialism.

Yeah,

but he's straight up, like we go, and I'm like, I'm just going to drink Cerveza,

being a fucking idiot.

But the dude driving, his English was way better.

And he's like, that's fine.

It's fine.

So we get to, it's like a house.

It's like a 10-minute drive.

We go in the house.

All of us walk in.

He just hangs out by the car.

The three of us walk in.

She explains to this woman, this older older woman there, like, I'm just going to hang out.

So they go into a bedroom.

I

go sit in this living room area.

The woman brings me a beer and she's just like,

you know, wait.

I'm like, yeah, that's fine.

I'm just going to sit here.

And I can't, you know, there's like.

Things happening.

So it's like, it's not like I can hear what's going on in there.

Yeah.

But the fucking fun part was I'm sitting there for like two minutes and this fucking maybe 14 year old kid comes down the stairs and bangs on the door.

And I was like, whoa, I'm like, I hope this is her pimp.

I hope

I don't give a fuck.

And she like opens the door and she's still dressed and they fucking yell for a second and she shuts it and then reopens it and hands him what looks like it's like a rat.

It looks like a, my guess was it was an old PlayStation controller because it was, it was like, I couldn't 100% see what it was.

She just hands it to him.

He takes it.

He storms back upstairs.

I'm like, oh, that was her little brother.

I'm like, this I'm like, wait, hold on a second.

Oh, he wanted an actual.

Like, he was up in his room.

Well, you're supposed to tell him before you do tricks, like fucking Xbox in there, dude.

It was straight up, like, wait a second.

Is like, is that her mother?

Is that her fault?

No, it's not her fault.

Guys, too young to be your dad, but is that her other brother?

I'm like, whoa,

that's so real.

And I was just like, all right, man.

That's so real.

That's all right.

All right.

All right.

And they're just in there for a minute.

And I'm just sitting there drinking.

And then this other woman comes in

who was a pure, in my opinion, 10, like the

pure, just like, oh, wow, you're the most attractive.

Just like you can't just think straight, you can't think of it.

Unbelievable.

And she's dressed like just in like shorts and like a tank top.

She's not, she looks like she was just somewhere hanging out.

And she's like, oh, hello.

And her English is really good.

And she's like, hello.

And I'm like, oh, hi.

And she's like,

are you, do you, are you?

I'm like, no, no, my friend's, you know, just having, they're on date night.

Huh?

She's like, Tom is just a guy who hangs out a really fun language.

She's not my thing at all.

I have a friend who's doing it.

What's going on?

But then she was basically like, oh,

she's like, are you on a date?

And I'm like, no.

She's like, let's go on a date.

Let's go on a date.

And I was like, oh,

okay.

100% fold right there.

How could you not if she's 100%?

And she takes me into another room and

fucks my brains out.

No way.

Condom or no condom?

Condom.

Who had the condom?

She did.

Yeah.

and you know what did she wait what was she dressed at did she just go naked or did she have lingerie straight no straight up walked in no bra shirt off

was there a bed in there yeah yeah just there was another room and she goes here's her condom and she's like she she was like 250

something yeah 250.

i gave her i would have given you 550 well i gave her three i gave i had a bunch of fucking euro on me that was bobby's advice what i went to

yeah he goes it's 72 put 100 down on the table and say that's for you once they know they're already getting tipped they work harder.

Same.

I gave her $250.

All right, I gave her three.

She said, $250?

I said, sure.

Gave her three.

And then she just pants,

just go on.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Was it clinical at all?

Was she actually going, like, get it?

It felt like a workout.

It felt like a.

No, it felt, it felt like

she was sparring and I was her sparring partner.

Wow.

And it was probably 20 minutes.

She went to fucking town, like, just,

and it was, oh,

you know, just

a thousand fucking times, just crazy.

And then, and then afterwards, she just fucking rolled over, lit up a cigarette.

We talked for a few seconds, and I got a one in.

She's like, do you want a cigar?

And I was like, actually, sure.

And she gave me a fucking, and I smoked some of it.

And then we just hung out for a second.

And then we heard.

You hung out for a second.

For a second.

And then, like, I got dressed.

I had my shirt.

Like, I was just pantsless.

You just like, I got to get in there.

Yeah.

And then she just, I did nothing, dude.

She She basically, on the bed, went to town,

cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, side cow, just was like, that's what I'm saying.

It felt like I am a punching bag for fucking.

What?

See what I'm saying?

I'm a fucking bag.

It's like doing one of those.

I'm the heavy pages.

One of those crazy half-fives with the black guy.

And you just put your hand out and they do all the stuff for you.

You know, like this.

I was the heavy bag and the sword.

What did I do?

You're the heavy bag.

Sorry, I didn't catch it.

But yeah, she, and then my buddy, and I, and then I come out, and he was, I remember he was like, where'd you go and I'm like shut the fuck up Let me and the guy

and the guy's just

shut the fuck up and the guy's waiting he drives us back We're only down at 225.

That's what I'm saying

But he was just like he was like I don't know.

It was kind of weird.

I wasn't for you.

I'm like it was a fucking weird.

We talking about it.

She was dope as shit.

I was insane.

I was so great, dude, that like when I so at the time I was I had a girlfriend at the time, but we were long distance and she was living in England still.

Yeah.

So I told, I was so good that I told her about it.

Because I was like, she was like, I don't know, she's like, great.

It is surprising.

She was like, I don't understand.

There's a certain type of woman who goes, who says, like,

getting jerked off by like a massage part lady is not even cheating.

Right.

They're just like, that's nothing.

You are never going to go out with them again.

So that part of it, it's like, I'm not challenged by that.

And I wasn't like cocky or arrogant, but I was like, hey, look, I should tell you this.

On the bachelor party, I partook.

Yeah.

And she was like, whatever, dude, I get it.

I was living in England.

I told her later.

I didn't tell her like

when she got back to America six weeks later or six years later.

But like, I told her eventually.

she was like, whatever.

She's like, fuck it.

It's okay.

But like, it was fucking dope as shit.

Oh, you earned points, you're being honest.

Yeah.

And then, like, you know,

went back, met up with everybody else.

$250.

Worth it.

Worth every.

No part of your.

No part of you would rather have that $250 back than that $300 back than that.

I had three times as much of a head on me.

And then, like, we're.

And plus, according to my buddy who speaks to the business,

the Cuban accent sounds a lot.

It's like a Boston accent to English.

The Cuban accent is to Spanish, like a Boston accent is to American.

Did your friends have trouble understanding though?

The friends who spoke Spanish?

They didn't have any trouble.

My buddy.

I've heard Cuban is the hardest Spanish to know.

He laughed at it a lot.

Like, he would like, and he'd look at me and be like, dude, some of the shit they're saying is just, some of the enunciation is just wild.

It's like, well, you've been to Edinburgh.

The Glaswegians are like,

what are you saying?

They say it again.

You're like, what language do you speak?

Like, English.

Yeah.

And you're like, dude, you got to spell what you're saying.

I'm speaking English, Donne.

What?

Done.

What's that?

A word?

Who's Donny?

A Done.

A Donne.

Lasuiga?

Yeah, dude, that shit's.

But the best, the fun part was the very last night we were there, we're all fucking dragon ass.

Right.

You know, and this is where we like bottle of rum, we all get some cigars, and we're just walking around downtown.

And it's like, you're seeing,

that's the other thing.

Like, that's the thing about communism, where it's like everyone's.

Everyone has what they need, but they're poor in every other way.

You know what I'm saying?

It's like seeing that shit, you're like, I don't know, man.

Like, I get it.

Like,

got you.

But it's not communism, fucking, no, no, it's not good.

Yeah.

And you're seeing it firsthand, and like, there's advertisements for the government and shit on billboards.

You're like, that's just weird.

And, like, people, you're walking, like, you're walking down the street and like, mira, mira, gringo, you know, and you're like, people are coming out of their house looking at you.

Like, kids are really kids are constantly running up to you asking you for money.

It's never ending.

That's not fun.

And it's like, you can tell they're not poor, but you can tell they're just give me money.

Come on, give me something.

existing.

And that means they've gotten some plenty of times.

And you're giving it to them.

You're giving it to them.

And so we go, we end up at this one bar at this other hotel downtown, and we're puffing away on the last of the Kohibas.

And this older dude comes over and he's like, pardon me, gentlemen, are you American?

And we're like, yeah.

And he's like, oh, I love Americans.

We don't get men, et cetera.

And he sits down with us and he lights up his own little shorty.

He goes, May I ask where you obtained your cigars?

And we're like, oh, fucking Varadaro or we bought a shitload and he's like ah may I see one

and he's like do you have an error and we had like a couple left and he takes a look at he's like come with me and we're like yo

come with me come with me and we're like dude all right and only if like there were a couple of the other guys like digging around so like four of us went with this dude And

we go into a hotel room with them.

And he has a magnifying glass

under a light and he takes a look at the cigar and he's like may I and we're like yeah I don't even know what you're saying and he like rips it open and he takes a look and he goes I do not be the I do not want to be the one to tell you this but these are Dominican he's like these are not real Cuban cigars and we're like

what and he's like yes it happens here too he's like they imported them into Cuba to fake a Cuban cigar they had fake we were smoking fake Cubans in Cuba and we were like what and he's like I understand and we and

you know, we're fucking not venting, but we're all like, that kind of sucks.

He's like, tell you what.

Because by this point, we'd known it was a bachelor party.

He's like, who's the bachelor?

And we're like, oh, this guy.

And he's like, and he like opens his own little back here.

Comes the scam.

Well, no, no.

He gives him a Monte Cristo.

Oh.

And he's like, you know, congratulations.

And, you know, one of those big fucking Tony Soprano joints.

And my boy lights it up.

And he's like, and we all take a puff.

And it's like, oh, yeah,

that is like obviously.

obviously, it's like obvious.

It's like smoking.

Where'd you get the other ones?

On the street?

No, we got them at the fucking.

At a store.

In the fucking resort.

Oh, wow.

So it was like, okay, so we thought we were, so we spent most of our Cuban, and then we went and bought a bunch, like, wherever we could find them that night and smoked, you know, like, these are real Cubans, right?

And then

apparently smoking, but then, like, you could tell the difference once, but we bought like a box.

So we thought we were just ripping down real ones all the time.

But, yeah, but then.

Could you bring any back?

Or do they just like, how does that work?

Totally brought them back.

You could bring them back.

But that was the other funny part: we get back to

when we fucking fly back out at 6 a.m.

And we have to drive back to Varadaro, so we had to get on a bus at 4 or like 3, get back.

We get on the flight back, and we're going back to Canada.

We land in Toronto, and we've all decided we're going to lie.

to American Customs.

Because we didn't get our passports.

It's the right way to go.

Oh, you didn't get your passports now.

How do you do that?

By buying health insurance.

They say we won't stamp your passport.

They never said it, but

when we paid him for the health insurance, he was just sort of like, go ahead.

So wait, you go through Toronto.

This is key information.

Yeah.

Because if you go through Miami, they're like, we know where you just came from.

If you go through Toronto, they're like, you're just boarding a plane.

You're coming from Toronto.

Why would we think you have Cuban cigars in Toronto when you're going through Toronto to New York or Toronto to LA?

Exactly.

That's not a Cuban cigar hub.

We had all concocted different versions of Law.

We were all like, right?

Elaborate.

My name is Art Van DeLay.

Dude, and like this part of my, this is the one part that's like shady for me or like spotty for me.

I just simply remember somehow we all got fucking separated at customs.

10 of us.

That's how they get you.

Yeah.

And I remember going through.

Yeah, keep going.

And I get, and like, you, you know, you fucking, you know me well enough to know that like I'm a pudgy bearded guy.

And the one thing that I fucking hate the most is when people tell me that I look like other pudgy bearded comedians or anyone, jack black, anyone.

Because I'm like, I don't think we look alike.

I just think you can't see past beards.

Racist against

fat beard.

And this was nine years ago, so I was less fat and my beard was all dark.

But

I go through and I'm in, and I, you know, it's this female customs agent.

She's like,

where are you coming from?

I was like, oh, you know, Batcher Party here, my buddy, Toronto.

And I'm ready to give her all this information.

And she looks at me for a second.

She goes,

you know, you look like that guy from the hangover.

Which normally I would just be like,

but in that moment, I was like, I know, right?

It's great.

I hear it all the time.

I'm just like, I know, it's fucking, have you seen it?

And she's like, I haven't seen the second one.

And I'm just like, oh, the second one's great.

And I just start telling her, which I think the second one sucks.

Second one sucks.

But I'm like, that was

like telling her all this shit where I'm like, hey, no, it's great.

And I'm just playing it up.

And she's like, oh,

welcome back to the United States.

I love her, like, it's great.

I'm not that guy, but I can tell you a bunch of details about him.

And she just stamps it and it's like, all right, come on through.

And I'm like, whoo!

And then, like, of course, then I meet everyone.

We're all fucking basically the same, you know, area.

And I'm like, dude, fucking.

I told him, I told him a fucking guy.

I was like, I just said that we were at Batch Party and Badge,

and all of them were like, oh, we just told the truth.

I was like,

when did that fucking get decided?

When did that fucking get to sign?

I'm stressed out.

One time I was going, the first few times I went to Canada, they were like, hey, don't tell them why you're here.

Don't just invent a story.

Have someone in mind you're thinking of.

So then, whatever.

And so then I went for either Yuck Yucks or Brunson.

And I was like, what are you here for?

I'm like, just here to visit my friend, Susie.

Like, I picture her in college.

I guess she lives here.

It's like, oh, okay, cool.

What are you doing?

It's like, no, we're just a few days.

She's like, cool.

So it's not

working?

I'm like, no, no, no, no.

And then she's like, turns the screen around.

So this flyer is not with you on it saying you're playing in two days.

That's not you.

And I was like, oh, she goes, you know, they filled out the paperwork, though.

Like,

why did you lie?

You're legal here.

And I'm like, oh,

dude.

She goes, just go.

That's nice that they went, that they say.

But she was like, you did the right paperwork.

You're just used to the fucking scam ones.

Dude.

Dude, you know what you reminded me of?

When

I

was in the middle of the day, I just want you to know, I feel feel that anxiety.

Yeah, I was like, uh, oh.

I was like, cool, I just fucked myself out of thousands of dollars.

I got to go home.

I don't even know.

So I'm just on the hook for flights that I'm not going to make any money on.

When I went to Melbourne and I was just on tour in Australia,

and you were doing the whole month at the Melbourne Festival.

Yeah, I might.

I overlapped for a week.

I did a week there, but I was just touring the whole thing.

And I got there two weeks into the festival, and you and Kinane, you talk about dragon ass.

I was like, hey guys, I'm in Melbourne.

Let's hang out.

And you're like, oh,

dude i was like no i'm in melbourne i thought i was having a good time you're like we've been here two fucking weeks man we've drank so fucking hard every night dude you and kinane together i'm convinced kyle is like an actual real living version of wolverine

like liver just heals itself dude i think i think he's 116 years old but only looks like he's in his 40s and like because like that guy because that was the thing every night we'd end up at in melbourne we'd end up at that one massive bar that the everyone go to the festival city club or whatever it's called

and every night it was like ah i'll go there for one or two cut to hours later yeah and then on the walk back to the the the condos they had us in there was a mcdonald's and it was it was an open 24 hours and it's the same thing every time kyle would go you want to get some meccas because how they say mcdonald's he's like i want to get some meccas and we'd fucking go house a big mac because and and that was the thing we were like that drunk being like it's better and it's healthier in australia mcdonald's is healthier in Australia.

I am convinced of that.

That is true.

I mean, nominally.

I'm convinced it is true.

Nominally.

Dude, I ate such shit in Edinburgh, such shit every night, and I lost weight.

And I ate just fast food, late-night food every night.

It was worse than I normally am, and I lost weight.

I think that's where I live.

No,

I have not enough data points to prove it.

Dude, that's, I mean...

There are some fat Australians.

But then also,

I mean, you're talking about Edinburgh, where you're like moving around all day.

True.

100% true.

I see why you'd second guess it.

Yeah, because I just, I don't, I think it's like, I think it's probably like a Big Mac in the States is 3,000 grams of sodium.

In

Melbourne, it's milligrams of sodium.

In Melbourne, it's 2,400.

Do the accent.

Melbourne?

Do the whole fucking Australian.

No.

No.

No, no.

No, it's only.

A dress is only a single dollar.

It's only terrible access, dude.

You're the best in Australia.

It's only, it's only 2,400

milligrams.

Nah, no.

Fucking.

Ari's on a flipper.

Gaffer.

You remember that episode of The Simpsons where they just shit on Australia?

He was there the whole time.

You got to talk to your mayor.

Charles,

Charles, she wants it.

Or where he sees a bullfrog and he's like, what's that?

And they're like, it's a bullfrog.

He goes, oh, that's a funny name for it.

I'd have called it a chezawaza

yeah marge is like i want a coffee like beer like no coffee like beer like coffee

yeah

i mean i will say that's a that an underknown thing about australia is they

destruct coffee They do coffee.

They do great.

I had so many flat whites.

I was there a month, like, recently.

It was like...

Flat whites?

I'm a long black.

I like a long black.

Long black is just coffee.

It's basically just an Americana.

Yeah, right.

But long black.

Longa.

Longa.

Longa black.

Eva parma.

They do the chicken parma.

The chicken parma is good with a little thing of ham or kangaroo on top of it.

Well, that's a thing.

They claim that they invented it.

I believe it.

And I didn't believe it until the second time I went and was like, why?

How?

And they were like,

all the fucking Italian prisoners.

That were shipped here.

And they invented it.

They also claimed they wiped out the indigenous people there, and they also did that.

They did that.

So fuck it.

I have no reason to doubt their words.

In fact, you know it did because before every show it's like we acknowledge the heritage of the

umbaumba proud umbawumba people and you want to just take it over the makarata people like is this hey how many of them have you brought back with this it's so funny there and and canada where you got to do a fucking it's a comedy show and you got to do a sad like so we ended up raping a lot of people and just murdering them burning their house down hey please i'm chean patin and we just want to remind you of that it's so out of place and it's It's like, you know what at clubs when they go, guys, turn off your pagers and cell phones.

And like, they're still saying pagers sometimes.

Turn off yourself.

And no one's ever taken out their cell phone, turn it off.

It just goes over people's heads.

That's how it is in Australia and Canada with those things.

You know what?

I miss.

And black people are like, what about us?

You mistreated us, too.

Like, shut up.

They're like, hey,

what are you doing?

Don't be so loud.

Remember the tip.

You're like, Jesus.

Wait, that's fucked up.

You know what?

You know what I miss?

Generic, what generic shit I I miss from comedy intros?

There's clubs and colleges everywhere.

Clubs and colleges.

Colleges everywhere.

Never done colleges.

Yeah, exactly.

But that was a big credit.

No one understands how little comedy was then.

Oh, he does clubs?

And now it's like...

Everywhere?

He's still doing clubs.

Colleges?

Yeah.

Wow.

Who even does colleges anymore?

Yeah.

No, but yeah, like the.

Dude, that trip sounds fucking great.

It was amazing.

It was fan fucking time.

Wow.

It was such a great fucking time.

Like, it was one of those, like, you got back and you were just like, oh, man, I can't just drink rum in this.

I mean, you can, but, like, it was just different.

Like, everyone, every single bar we went to, every single night was packed, but not too packed.

Had a band that was amazing.

That's cool.

Everyone was having an awesome time.

But it was also like we met a fucking dickload of Europeans.

So many Europeans.

Well, that's a cool part of travel, too.

It's not meeting people of the area, but it's meeting other travelers.

Yeah.

So like, so like in Indonesia, you're like, well, I got to know German culture.

The other hostlers.

Yeah.

I mean, that shit was rad.

And we met a couple of other, like, oh, I'm so sorry.

That's all right, bro.

You got to get out.

Well,

here was one crazy thing that I don't think we're fucking too far away from if we keep going down this political rabbit hole.

But like,

one night

we met this couple who were like, basically like Americaphobes or America files, right?

A Cuban couple?

Yeah, yeah.

Who were into American couples?

Just so in.

I mean, I mean, they were just, because they don't, it's not like other countries where it's forced down their throat.

Like, they don't really.

They went to find it.

Yeah, because it's like the embargo.

So they're not, they know like little shit.

But so they were like hanging out with us all night, and they were really cool.

They were buying us drinks.

They were telling us where to go for, you know,

they were cool.

And they came back to the hotel.

We would go back to the hotel bar every night because it would stay open forever.

And it had like a whole fucking porch.

And we're out there, and they could both communicate in English, but they were speaking Spanish.

Okay.

And they're speaking to my buddy the whole time, the bachelor, who's fluent.

And we're at the,

and he's just asking him about life in Cuba.

And at one point, the guy started, he's talking, but he keeps like, he keeps doing this.

He keeps like covering his mouth while he's talking.

And I keep noticing it, and I'm like, what's he, what's, what's, is he like, and my buddy asked me, he's like, what's a, and he basically keeps his shit covered.

And he goes, they have cameras here.

If they see me

talking poorly about Cuba, that could be bad.

He's like,

like a first base coach when he goes out to the camera.

Yeah, he would basically just be like, you know, the thing that sucks about living in Cuba is, you know,

and

he's like, it could be bad.

He's like, I've known people who have said something.

Why take a chance?

He's like, and shh.

That's interesting.

And you're like, yeah,

that sucks.

That's when people say that's bad here.

You're like, guys,

little thing's bad.

It's nothing close to.

It could go that bad.

I'm like, I guess.

Yeah, let's

get it.

Not really, though.

But like, yeah, I mean, I hope not.

But, like, yeah, that shit was weird.

That was a, that was.

That's 20 steps further than us.

Yeah, yeah, I just remember that moment of realizing that.

Because then he was like, quickly, he's like, you guys are fine.

Does that make you appreciate?

Does that make you just feel bad for them?

Does it make you appreciate you states?

Oh, both.

It makes me appreciate.

I mean, like, because it's most first world countries.

You can just say whatever the fuck you want.

you know what I mean?

Like, but

we went to Montreu Festival, Montreal Comedy Festival.

Me, Iso, Jessica Michelle, my daughter, and um, uh, who else was there?

Your daughter, oh, Jessica Michelle, your daughter, yeah, had a moment of money.

Paul Morrissey had no fucking oh, um, and then who else?

Somebody else, oh, the guy who does, um, I would never remember his name, Mike

from Chicago, the comics you should know.

Oh, um, uh, Mike fucking Leibowitz, yeah, yeah, uh, anyway,

what were we just talking about?

Shit, you can or cannot say.

You can't talk whatever.

Oh, yeah.

So there was a comedy fest.

They were doing an English, American comedy, or English comedy part.

It was a French festival.

And they were doing a sketch fest too.

And these one guys from the BBC, whatever they have, we have a sketch show on the BBC.

And they're like, the interesting thing is, it's state-funded.

So we do political stuff.

So they pay us to make fun of them.

They're like, we're allowed to say whatever we want.

We're political, so we make fun of the government, but we're funded by the government.

And they don't say, hey, don't do that.

They just go, hey, here's for the arts.

And their art is mocking the government.

Like, they pay us to mock them.

Like, that's how free it is there.

Wait, where is this?

The United Kingdom.

Oh,

UK.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you couldn't, and that's crazy.

They had to cover their mouth in Cuba just in case.

And the guy wasn't even,

I mean, from what was being translated, he wasn't even saying anything that crazy.

Why risk it?

It was just, yeah, it was just, yeah, he was just pointing out.

And then, of course, like, leave, that's the other thing.

Like, you can't just leave a communist country.

And it's not.

It's got to be a ballerina.

It's not like a money.

Yeah, exactly.

It's not like a money thing.

It's like a, they don't let motherfuckers go.

That's weird.

Sometimes.

And I know there's exceptions, but like, you're like, dude, that, fuck all that.

Like, that's the thing.

Diaz came on a raft.

Yeah.

Did he really?

Yeah, as a kid.

No, shit.

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I think his mom came on her fucking raft with him.

I didn't.

I fucking didn't know that at all.

I didn't know that guy was Cuban.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I gotta look at all three cameras for that.

Otherwise, you got the fucking DS boy.

Sal's Cuban.

He owned a raft store on Staten Island.

His parents.

Wait, is he Cuban?

The Cayakatora.

Yeah, he is.

He's half Cuban.

No shit.

I just thought he was a fucking darn fucking boy.

Oh, if you need a book, Sal, you need a checkbox book.

That's Mexican.

I thought it would have dirty fucking D.

Volcano.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vulcan.

Vulcan.

All right, before we go, this trip sounds fucking badass.

Here's what I usually ask people.

I'll get back to it a couple other questions first.

If there's any, what are the places you want to go in general?

Don't answer yet.

Just think about it.

Just one place or two places.

And then if you have a general travel tip for anybody, and then think about those.

It's like pack light, do whatever.

Somebody said, like, grind up your mushrooms if you want to take it and put it in Gorolla.

What were the bathrooms like in Cuba?

I remember them being standard, standard bathrooms.

They weren't another crazy.

I mean like I went to Malaysia and China once and that's where you get the occasional

squatter and you're like ah this is not because

that's a coordinated ethics there's no warning.

There's no training seminar.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think it's going to be easy.

How about this?

So hard.

Just throw this out there.

I can't speak on behalf of women because I'm not one, but men, you go, okay, I could do this.

I got to take a dump.

dump I can just squat I'll figure it out oh but you didn't think about clearing a runway for your piss

so you go down

and you just piss all over the back of your pants because you're not thinking about life without a toilet

or and then or like in or in Malaysia sometimes they have the bum guns I love those you love that until you realize oh yeah you definitely go this way not what did you do go down no like I went this way back and you were like, but it would just, no, it would just spray.

I'm like, oh, the back of my pants are now all fucking wet.

You're like, no, guys, not piss.

It's, it's toilet water.

But then you're like, it's just toilet water.

Is that piss?

Prove to me it's not.

But that was,

that was fucking rad.

Like a place I want to go.

Yeah, but but also, okay, first we'll do that one.

What's like, what's calling you?

Man, I like Eastern Europe.

So, like, I've the furthest east I've been is like

is Germany, but like, no, that's not, yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, like, and I like, and I've never been to Italy.

I want to go to Italy, but I'm talking about like Slovenia and like the Alps and like up in that area and like Croatia.

Yeah.

And then get into like Turkey.

I want like that whole Greece and Turkey.

Like, Greece is almost already like past what we're talking about in terms of like that backwards.

Like that area.

But I don't know why it just

went.

It's awesome.

Romania, Slovenia.

Yeah, like all that.

Dude, I want to go to all of them.

I want to go to Hungary.

I want to go to all of them now.

I'll hook you up with the booker from Romania.

He's Romanian.

Oh, there's a club?

Or like a show?

There's a promoter.

Sloss does it all the time.

Sloss does like 2,000 seaters there.

Yeah, Sloss is huge.

Yeah.

Where?

It's so fucking wild.

When I was in Slovenia, it hit me, like, who I was talking to.

I was like, do any of you guys remember it not being Slovenia?

And like a third of the room raised their hand.

They're like, yeah, we remember Yugoslavia.

Wow.

It's a new country.

And Romania is so fucking crooked.

It's just, dude,

you'll love it.

I'll introduce you to the guy if you want to go.

He also has a show in Istanbul, but I gotta fucking remind him I want to do that.

Yeah, okay, that's a good one.

Yeah, it's different there.

It's not like Europe.

It should be another continent.

Yeah.

It should be another continent.

Like Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary.

Not Austria.

Austria is like over there.

But Serbia, Romania, Bulgaria.

All this whole

Sarajevo.

Yeah.

That's a city.

Like, I just want to see all that shit.

Ljubljana was so fucking cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

Wait, Ljubljana?

Ljubljana, Slovenia.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, like that.

Wait, it was cool?

It's so cool.

Dragons.

They're dragons everywhere.

Dude, part of the reason.

So the first time I ever did that, like, Spotify rap shit, you know what I'm talking about?

That year end where, like, you see how many Spotify listeners you get?

You can see regionally where.

And outside of the U.S.,

huge listener base in Slovenia.

Of your stand-up?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

So I'm like, and that made me go, Slovenia.

And then I started researching it, and I'm like, oh, this place looks fucking amazing.

Well, Ljubljana is this great fucking gothic town, like with an old city town.

I love that shit.

And then people go there and they stay in Slovenia for like Ljubljana for like two days, but then the beach is like an hour and a half away.

So they use that as like, oh, let's do this while we go to the beach.

Right.

You know, it's not like a 10-hour trip.

It's just like, it's a quick trip.

You land here and go right there.

Let's stay for the night.

And like, oh, good food.

But the beach is like right here on that.

Yeah, it's like that little

block right there.

So you land there and then drive there.

And the beach is dope.

It's like a dope.

That's what I heard.

I didn't get there.

I just stayed for the beach.

Yeah, dude, I want to fucking do that shit.

Yeah, I want to go to, yeah, all of it.

Bucharest, I did.

Clujin of Poca, Bucharest, Romania.

Anyway.

Okay.

Last two things.

Yeah.

That's a great one.

Romania.

Travel tips.

And oh, also, this is the other one.

What are some things you notice?

What would you you tell someone to go into Cuba?

Like, prepare or not or don't do or like make sure to do this?

And also, what are some like observations you made about Cuba that are not in a travel guide?

Like Punky was talking about Jamaica.

She goes, the ice melts incredibly fast.

And I noticed it.

Really?

Yeah.

She goes, it's like half ice.

Anyway.

Is it because it wait, did she get it?

In Ecuador, the ice cream, the ice cream was very soft.

That's something I noticed.

Everywhere, the ice cream, they don't freeze ice cream to the level we freeze it at.

Okay.

In Cuba,

this is rare.

The comedy is stuck in, like the cars in the 50s.

Because

we went to a bar one night, and there was this fucking stand-up comic, like, doing an hour.

Yeah.

And he was, like, dressed in, like, yellow pants and a big, he's a big

banana?

Yeah, just like, and he's up there just the guy.

And like I was saying, none of us spoke very good Spanish.

So my boy was translating the whole time, and it was basically like, oh, no,

butthole smells so great.

It was like French comedy when you go to Quebec.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, no, look at how big my nausea is.

So,

but we were like, this is fucking ridiculous.

There's actually stand-up comedy happening.

But it was like, it was less

stand-up comedy, more like...

the predecessor to Josh Adam Myers now.

I'm just giving him a hard time.

I was asking Marcelo about it.

I I just got back from Miami, and I was saying how much I hated it.

I mean, I had people complain.

These girls were talking to Big J.

We did a show together down there.

And they're like, we liked you, but that other guy sucked.

And he's like, no, what do you mean?

He's good.

He's my friend.

Wait.

And they're like,

about Big J?

Too Big J about me.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

And like, what did you like?

Like, he said he's happy with school shootings.

And he goes, no, I don't think he meant that.

He literally said he's happy when schools get shot.

And he's like, okay.

But Marcelo said the Cubans in Miami, so I'm assuming at least similar to the ones in Cuba, they're very literal.

So a guy in a woman's dress is like, sick, I get it.

Not man, not man.

I get it.

Great.

Well, so, yeah, like, culturally, that's the thing about communism as well.

Culturally, they're just not fucking fed everything like we are.

So, like, meta or,

you know, tongue-in-cheek or subvert.

Like, it's like none of that is.

Interesting.

You know what I'm saying?

They're basically like, cool, we're eating this week.

Our son's going to baseball practice so we can have a future.

Our daughter's going to medical school so she can have a future.

And we are going to the assembly line to roll cigars for a big, you know, it's like,

it's like, yeah, like that's it.

Yeah.

And then they come to America.

I get it.

And then Miami is a very amazingly cultural place.

But like when you live in a

communist country for 25 years and then you come here with your family, you're like, you're probably setting your wage at that point.

Yeah, right, right, right.

But that's the other thing, too.

Okay.

Right.

Yeah, you've already been trained.

Another thing I super noticed about Cuba was everything,

like the beer in Cuba was an unreasonably level of fresh.

I don't know how or don't know why.

And it was this Cuban brand that I can't fucking remember the name of, but it was everywhere.

We just kept drinking it.

It was like, I love Mexican lager.

Yeah.

It's the best.

Modelos.

Modelo, fucking.

It's funny, in my neighborhood in Bedstead,

the bodega,

my all-night, it's 24 hours on the weekends.

It's one of those bodegas.

It's like, we close when people stop buying shit.

But they sell dollar Negro Modelos.

What?

And I was like, that's crazy.

And I looked at him one day.

I'm like, oh, expired in 2022.

Fuck it, though.

Dollars is the right price, then.

I'll sell that.

But like, you know, Pacifico, but like any like, but like, it's

similar, but something, it was so.

It was like, you ever have beer in Ireland?

I think Ireland is the same thing.

Like, well, the column says the taps are all different in different bars.

So every city, they

98% of the bars, they go, no.

But there's a war between two bars in every city.

They have better Guinness?

No, they have Better Guinness.

Dude, the best, if you ask, my favorite beer on earth is a Smitix in Dublin.

Interesting.

That is my favorite beer on earth.

I think it's underrated.

Urated Smith.

Oh, hell yeah.

I like it.

Red Ale fucks the hardest.

Fucks the hardest.

But like a Smitix from a fucking pub in even in Temple Bar, even in like that area, it's my favorite beverage.

My favorite alcoholic beverage.

But it has to be in Ireland,

and it has to be a Smith's, and it has to be from the fucking

Ecuadorian.

I mean, this shit's really good.

What's that?

Is that Pilsner in the Globe Bar?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's an Ecuadorian beer.

Yeah, it did.

Called Pilsner, and it's like, it's that or Klube, and it's like that, but that's the one.

That's the one.

Yeah, that's what we were drinking.

Whenever we were drinking in Cuba, that shit was, it tasted like, wow, this just came out of the fucking,

out of the cold till.

I don't know.

Out of the brew hole,

whatever beers finished in.

That shit was so good.

Advice I would have is straight up, like,

I think this is advice for every fucking American because this does piss me off, even with Americans who travel enough.

Like, remember that you're in a foreign country.

Just in general.

In general.

It's not like you're going to get fucking shanked in Cube.

I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying, like, because we had a couple, like, like I said, there was 10 of us.

Six of us have traveled before.

Three of us have traveled as much as I had.

And then there were a few of the guys who, like, you know, they're my boys, but who clearly don't travel enough.

Hey, man,

A, tone it fucking down vocally.

Yeah.

Tone it fucking down.

B,

stop fucking flashing the fact that you're an American all over the place.

Stop it.

Like, A.

Why did they ever come up at all?

Exactly.

Not just for your safety, but you're being a fucking arrogant dickhead right now.

Like, just chill the fuck out.

Like, in my opinion, whenever, I know you're this guy, and we've only been to one or two places internationally, but like Australia?

Australia and maybe Edinburgh.

But I think we're at Edinburgh at the same time.

Yes, we were.

I don't think we were.

I was 17 and 19.

You were that there all the time.

Oh, really?

Oh, you're right.

But you travel, like I travel, like I think a lot of people travel to fucking sort of like disappear into the culture.

To a degree, yeah.

To a degree, yeah.

I'm not trying to like become a different person, but I'm like,

I'm starking while I crouch and fucking my shirt.

Oh, in China, yeah.

You're not just hawking loogeies indoors,

yeah.

But like, to a degree, let me have the food.

You're not just ripping demon belches.

You're just shitting in a corner of a mall.

You're not just ripping demon belches in packed subway cars.

Did you notice that, dude?

You just treat the thing and just

what the fuck is that?

The worst.

What's the worst?

These fucking mainlanders.

The worst.

Dude.

I mean, so I went to, when I guess it, when I went over there, I went to Hong Kong first.

Oh, wrong order.

Yeah.

Or maybe it's like, oh, let me get used to a little.

I mean, but yeah, but I was thinking it was.

They must have warned you at least.

Oh, dude, dude.

So much so that I was like, should I go to the mainland or should I just stay here?

You know the saying I got from them?

Yeah.

They go, listen, not, they're trying to be the nice.

Not every mainlander will shit in a mall.

Like on the floor in a mall.

But if you see shit on the floor of a mall, it was a mainlander.

Dude, I mean,

I've never heard racism like

Hong Kong people against mainlanders.

Like Cantonese.

Yeah.

Cantonese versus Chinese.

We're better than them.

They're all talking to Ronnie Chang.

They're all like Chinese.

I mean, I fucking, it sucks that Hong Kong is now part of China.

But like, I loved Hong Kong.

But I went to Hong Kong for a week and had just

an amazing time.

Did a couple shows, but then just was there.

And then I went to Chengdu, which is the, you're like, Chengdu, what's that?

The small, what small Chinese town is that?

You're like, oh, yeah, one of their smaller.

Only 11 million people.

Only bigger.

Suzhou.

Yeah, it's huge.

And then I went to Hangzhou, which I think is just a suburb basically of Shanghai.

Then Shanghai, then Beijing.

But every place got more like intensely Chinese.

So by the time I was in Beijing, like Beijing to me was like, this is what Americans think of China.

That's what it felt like.

Where it was just like, like,

like, Chengdu is where, like, all the pandas are.

So there's a lot of tourism and a lot of panda shit.

Yeah.

Shanghai,

what, 28 million people or something, but it still felt very international still.

It felt more like Hong Kong, but it was

big time.

Chinese tourists.

Yeah, Beijing felt like, all right, man, this is that.

A, that was where I was like, oh, that's smog.

You just grab it out of the sky.

They have an app where they're like, I got to take the bus today.

I can't walk to work.

Dude, and like, that's, that was, it was in 2018.

So you, like, everyone's wearing masks, and you're like, no, I get it.

And in a couple of years, I'm going to get it

twice, actually, turns out, but I'll be fine.

Vaxed.

But, like,

but, like,

the fucking,

that was, Beijing, dude.

That was just straight up.

Like, when I checked into the hotel, it was the, it was nighttime, and I get there, and they're just, all the employees are just sleeping in cots behind the thing behind the like the desk.

And I'm like,

I'm like, look at them, like, there's three employees that are all sleeping.

I'm like,

there's not a bell.

So I just knocked on the, on the desk,

and one of them just begrudgingly got up and was like, and I had a person with me, like, because I was doing shit.

Well, she spoke in Mandarin.

Oh, that was a thing I did enjoy because I was there with, you know, those guys,

Muhammad and Andy Curtin.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I was with Muhammad, uh, and he was like, you know, he speaks fluent Mandarin, so he was like taking me around.

I don't know, Muhammad, he drove me around in his moped.

Yeah, that guy was cool as shit.

I got rules,

yeah, I got his rule.

That's what I just drops just fucking full Mandarin.

Yeah, it's so weird to see a non-Chinese speaking like that without a problem.

And he was so fucking cool, and he fucking, but every hotel he negotiated.

I loved it.

Every hotel, they would be like, you know, okay, so it's 115, you know,

what is their fucking currency against?

U.N., Y-U-E-N.

And he would be like,

85.

And they'd be like, no, it's 110.

He'd be like, eh, how about 90?

And they'd be like, 95.

And it would just

every time.

And I'm like,

that was an option?

He's like, dude, everywhere.

And I'm like, I didn't have the balls to do it.

He's like, seriously, when you go to bars, when you go to restaurants, do it if you feel like it.

And I'm like,

I'm terrified that there's just a fucking sniper following me around the whole time.

Because that was the thing.

When I went to Shanghai, they had to shut the club down that week

because President Jiping was in town.

So they shut down

all performance-based everything.

And all the gay bars, which don't exist, but they do.

China's ruled by the world.

China was fucking wild, dude.

China was wild.

Dude, every time we're talking about China on this podcast, people are like, oh, you're a communist apologist or whatever.

And it's like, do you think we go for the government?

That's also not real communism.

It's not real communism.

It's not even communist.

It's capitalist.

That's capitalist.

But also, it's like government.

We're not going to these places.

By the way, if you come to America, you're not voting for a war in Afghanistan.

No.

You're just coming to eat some fucking hot dogs.

No.

Yeah, dude.

It was also like, you go to

ruin Chinese cities.

It's so fucking fun.

I did so much cocaine in Beijing.

I did so much fucking cocaine in Beijing.

Did you say Tiananmen Square out loud?

I said, where's Tiananmen Square?

I got slapped for saying it.

But not

like Andy Curtin.

He slapped you.

He slapped me in the chest.

So please don't.

Like, we were in a cab.

And I was like, so I can't say Tim.

Bop.

He just gave me the

Andy rules.

And when we got out,

we were going to this restaurant.

He's like, mate, because he's all.

I just hung out with him.

I love that dude.

He's like, mate, he's like,

not around nationals.

He's like, you say it to me, but don't even say it to me.

I made a joke.

They're like, no jokes about the government.

I'm like, sure, I don't have any fucking jokes about the Chinese government.

It's fine.

And then I was doing jokes about the American government at the the time and I go in a riff I go

my country actually needs a fucking Mao to fucking murder up a bunch of our senators so it affects them right the whole crowd was like dude it was like it wasn't this like funny or not funny it was like what the fuck are you doing man it was like it was like a you put us all in danger right now dude my favorite story i heard that you know james domian yeah james domian if you don't know brilliant across the board just a fucking brilliant

he was there a couple years before me and when they were in hangzhou they were doing a show at this bar and the show got shut down like while he was on stage, because they didn't have like a performance license or some shit.

Like, cops came in, officials came in, stopped the show, checked everyone's ID,

identification, interviewed everyone as to what was being talked about on stage, right?

So no one could leave this bar.

Wow.

And Adomian,

well, I love him, but he's also one of these hardcore, like, just anti-government across the board people.

Just, you know, mega left-wing.

I love Adomian.

I think he's got a gotta go.

Like, him and I were living together in New York during Occupy Wall Street, and it was my first time ever being like, man, you political as fuck, dude.

Like, you're,

like, you're like scraping together money to buy a shitload of pizza to bring to a bunch of protesters who could all afford pizza.

They're in the financial district.

Let's go get pizza.

But anyway, but

he was.

But so the story goes, the officials leave after hours, and James is just incensed by this idea of government.

So he like gets back on stage to try and start the show back up.

And the whole audience was like, it's a fascist regime.

No.

It's a fascist region.

We will walk the fuck out of here if we don't get off stage.

Yeah.

He goes, I'll stand up.

Like, dude, you're not in L.A.

during the fucking gay marriage protests.

They'll just beat the shit out of you.

Yeah.

You will just be disappeared.

I met a guy in Ecuador who was from Hong Kong.

He said he was part of the revolution, whatever.

He was 22 years old.

And he goes, it was fun.

You try to free your government and stuff from the government.

He goes, and then I had a gun pointed in my face from a cop who was authorized to use it.

And I'm like, what am I doing here?

Yeah.

I don't care this much.

Yeah, get the fuck out of there.

I mean, that's also like, that's why I like, oh, actually,

can I have a second?

Oh, you're going way too long?

No, I'm just looking at the sound of the other.

Four minutes?

All right.

Can I have a second answer to your where do you want to go?

Yeah.

South America.

Just all of it.

The whole fucking thing is calling me.

I want to go.

I would love to, in order, go Colombia, Argentina, then Brazil.

Colombia?

I would like to go Colombia, Peru, Chile, Argentina, Brazil, and if we can, Venezuela, but I don't think we can.

Uruguay.

I'd like to see it all, but like,

I feel like, I feel like South America is just like the most overlooked of all the continents.

I'll tell you what, it seems we're overlooked.

You know how they have like

a number one of the that overlooked.

You're skipping right past Ecuador, and it's Ecuador.

Shit,

they don't have, I don't think they have a tourism department yeah so no one knows it's it's the coolest and you go right you can go right through it on the way to Peru I want to see that dude dude I fucking love you should do it you can learn a nominal amount of Spanish on just duolingo a get-by like directions left right you know

I want to Colombia for some reason just everything about Colombia rules do the chicharron is the best yeah

the fruit is the best you've done ayahuasca in Peru right in Ecuador and Ecuador is where you do it yeah no no you can do it

all those the the the the idea of those of like let's say this was South America these are made up lines and so you have like an indigenous people that goes this way

so just the Andes is like is like all the same people but so the simple line is like well this stops Peru and starts Ecuador and but the indigenous people like well we didn't have that line wait did you when David was on did he talk to you about Machu Picchu no we just talked turkey oh he went to Machu Picchu yeah

him and I mean I don't know I'm so happy because, like, I'm like, Sean Avmon, and I don't know.

Because it's, if I don't hang out with a comic, I don't know how they actually are.

Dude, his episode was fucking great.

Oh, this one was great.

He parties, bro.

But also, him and Bob just hyped Machu Picchu and filmed it and filmed it.

No.

It's going to come out as a thing of two fucking 60-year-old dudes

comedy friends.

Yeah, they just did it like they did it like this year.

Damn.

Yeah.

I got to sit in a car with Bob and David and drive from LA to San Diego last year and just listening to the two of them go at each other.

I was like, this is for this two and a half hour, three hour ride, comedy heaven.

It hit me

because I've never met him.

I've seen him around.

But it's like you forget, you know, years go by and you just forget you've grown in stature.

And it was like, Better Carl Saul was great and whatever.

But I'm like, oh, dude, Mr.

Show, it hit me.

I'm like, it was just one of those pure things.

It's like, you just hit a line that's like rarely hit.

Yeah.

It just, I realized that I was saying, I was like, oh, right.

You crushed it.

What's amazing about Mr.

Show is I've probably

watched it on Max right now.

I've re-watched it so many times.

Every single sketch holds up.

Every single sketch holds up and 30% of them they couldn't do today, which is awesome.

True.

True.

True.

But anyway, yeah, but like, yeah, I would love to go to South America too.

South America is like, I really want to.

Talent went to Ecuador.

Sam?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

But the whole place, there's a festival every county

once a year.

Every county in the whole fucking country.

So you'd recommend Ecuador first?

Among many.

That's the one I know.

I spent six months there during the pandemic.

Oh, that's where you fucking went during the past.

Yes.

But I don't know all of them.

I forgot about your fucking.

Yeah.

We got 40 seconds left.

Let me just one last time plug your fucking show.

I put an insert in there.

What is it?

It's on FX.

It's called English Teacher.

It comes out on FX

September 2nd.

It's out now.

It's out now.

Yeah, it's great.

I'm so happy for you, buddy.

A mainstream fucking success like that.

If you don't know Sean and you want to, and I'll put this in the insert too.

It'll so it'll be an hour and 40 minutes ago.

But his This Not Happenings, he's on the Mount Rushmore of Storytelling.

Now in real comics.

Let's bring it back.

Let's bring it back is right.

I'll talk to you about it.

Yeah, I'm thinking about it.

What's it called?

English Teacher.

English Teacher.

Yeah, yeah.

On FX.

On FX.

Hell yeah.

You need some fucking mainstream success.

Long ago.

Let's do it, bud.

Thank you.

Yeah.

All right, bye, brother.

Well, guys, that's it.

That's what we got.

That's our episode for today.

Sean Patton, thank you very much.

Don't forget to look him up on Instagram and tell him you liked him.

Give him a follow.

Mr.

Sean Patton, is that right?

Mr.

Sean Patton.

Yeah.

Check him out on the road and check out his new show, English Teacher on FX.

Dude, a legit sitcom.

You should have seen how happy the comedy community was when Sean Patton, when the word got out, that he booked a pilot and that it went to air.

It's like, there's something that happens when some of us get bypassed and we all see it as kind of unfair.

It nags at us.

It nags at all us.

Like, hey, things are going well, but that fucking talented guy's kind of left behind.

He's doing fine, you know, but not like.

Not like he should.

He should be a household name.

He should be a millionaire.

But now he's got the sitcom just as sitcoms are starting to get on.

It's got to be good for him.

I hope he's going to be able to do these theaters soon because he's so fucking funny.

So check him out.

The Jew vinyl has been

printed.

It's being shipped to Phoenix to ship out.

Those will all go.

All the sign ones are gone.

The other ones, you can get everything at arieshafir.com.

Grinders,

t-shirts, old yamakos from the Jew special.

What else?

I think that's it.

There's got to be something else.

The rest of the Shroom Fest shirts, if you celebrate Shroom Fest this year.

And hit subscribe.

I'm also getting those people that I wanted to help me make those clips.

Fans who watch some of my podcast episodes for a little extra scratch.

Not much, a little.

If you sent me a message before, I might have lost it.

I need like five of you.

So just all you got to do is just watch

podcasts that I'm on, not this one, other ones, and then I'll hook you up with my

one of my reps, and then they'll like assign you an old one, like an old Kiltoni or an old Theo or an old Rogan or whatever.

So watch something new and something old, and then like, just say we're, you know, say the parts that I shine.

Could be fun.

Those three of you are already fucking dealt with.

And sign up for the Patreon, patreon.com slash you beat tripping three times a month.

Extra episodes.

The last one was all about trains and train travel uh and then i read your postcards from around the globe as you're on vacation something cool i like to do is you take a fucking trip get me a postcard out there tell me kind of what you did my advice is write the letter no put the stamp on first then write the letter because you're going to run out of space you're going to be covered up and i read those on the patreon and then look up that country or anything else it just gets me going and then i'm filling up my whole patreon wallet with all your postcards probably like 10 up there it's pretty cool that's all available and all the old skeptic tanks are up there

with all the travel, all the travel-related ones, anyway, are up there.

Sounds of the Amazon.

I recorded the Amazonian jungle for like two hours when I was there.

Just like listen to it.

I don't know.

It's fun.

Fun stuff.

Fun stuff.

We're having fun.

I think that's it.

Next week on the podcast,

Shane Gillis.

will be on talking about his time

abroad in Spain in a small town outside outside Madrid or Barcelona I forget but that's a good one I'm unveiling podcast studio west next week a brand new studio west this is still gonna be my main one and then I'll use the one on the west but that's that's it I guess we gotta wrap it up is there anything I got to report for the news or anything nothing I got nothing I got fucking nothing guys this is a wrap-up with no form today's episode was edited by Alan Caffey produced by your mom's house network they're a lovely network.

And if you out there have a successful podcast and are a little bit unclear on the direction you're headed, I'm not joking, and they're not giving me any money to say this.

You should call them.

Because they're starting a fucking...

What's the word?

Empire.

God damn it, Ari.

I mean, at some point, you got to say, I got to stop smoking weed.

If you can't remember the word empire, you at some point had to go something's up here

in in in flow would have been great because they're starting an empire

because there's or this because they're starting uh what is that thing whoa uh losing fans losing fans tune out tune out don't forget to hit subscribe tune out tune out uh empire what we're already gone we're not even listening anymore

And as always, keep reaching out on YouTube, especially.

We have a UB tripping.

You know what, Heather?

Let's put up a Ubi Trippin' with all the guests and then just say who else do you want to see and have people suggest it there.

But in the meantime, leave as a comment on the YouTube.

I've gotten a lot of guests because of your recommendations.

Wanton Don.

God, I fucking don't know.

Fucking anyway.

God damn.

I mean, I did.

Splits.

it's not even it's just it's a long-term degenerative effect that's like legitimately problematic

I mean I can look up

anyway

so you suggest them if they're big enough and more interesting enough to me I'll fucking reach out and try

who knows anybody know the ball bank whatever

Guys until next week let's just sign this out right hit subscribe get my drew vinyl there's half them already gone and that's it I'll see you next week with Shane

But oh, wait, adios, adios, amigos.

I gotta say it in the Cuban way.

Adios, adios, amigos.

It came off drunk.

I didn't mean it drunk, I just mean

their words are like adios, amigos, adios, amigos, adios, adios, more chachos.