New Zealand w/ James McCann | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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Pull that in a little bit.

point.

I apologize.

Why are you going to vote for that?

This milk, this weird milk that I've had.

Why'd you try it?

People say it's a very cool right-wing milk.

Unpasteurized.

Yeah, the raw milk.

Isn't that illegal?

I don't know the specifics.

I thought it was.

I thought you had to order it ahead of time because you're buying some of the cow.

That's what you're really buying.

It goes bad.

Yeah, it just tasted great.

I mean, it was genuinely exciting milk to have.

And it may not be that.

I heard cheese curds.

You can't get real cheese curds because

Poutine, you have no unpasteurized milk, it is not illegal in Texas.

There are some states.

You can't get real cheese curds because real cheese goes unpasteurized.

So it's like.

Just the Wisconsinites do.

Yeah.

They're like, we're grandfathers.

What a great.

They were such a better cheese.

Wisconsin cheese.

When I found the Wisconsin cheese, it was.

I just thought all of America had to trudge through that weird golden orange cheese.

Yeah.

And then you go to a place where they're making real

actual trees.

Oh,

yeah.

Where you been and where you going?

This is Aries Travel Show.

Yeah, we're going to talk about travel today.

It's you be tripping, yeah.

Guys, welcome to Ub Trippin'.

It's a travel podcast.

It's the only, it's known as the Rockefeller of podcasts.

You know, Rockefeller.

It's blue cheese, the king of cheese.

Oh, I didn't know that was the king of cheeses.

Rockefeller.

Is it the kid?

What about a little wookie grey?

It's known as the king of cheeses.

I'm not saying it's my favorite.

I reckon there's a revolution happening.

Look at that.

It's disgusting.

It's full mold.

Cheddar is definitely the lumpin' proletariat of cheese.

Look up.

Is Rocketford the king of cheese?

Where do you want to go today?

What do you want to do?

Well, I can do a couple.

I mean, New Zealand is the one that I've been to.

I'm so untraveled.

Many call it the king of cheeses.

Many call it the king of cheeses.

You won't.

I I respect no king as my.

Rockefeller was the first cheese to be given the AO distinction, lady becoming the Alexandria Orcascotasio.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Yeah.

The first cheese to be given the AO distinction.

So they just.

And there's Michael Rockefeller, which is just an annoyance online.

If you're the first cheese to get a big award.

Yeah.

That's just the cheese company inventing an award for themselves.

I could do an award now.

I could be like greatest comedian in the world.

James McCann.

2025.

He just won.

Buddy, congratulations.

I know.

It's a big deal.

Thank you for having me on this lap of honor.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm the first one to get you after this award.

I was lucky to have grabbed it.

I know you did.

After this, I go to a big wild party.

I get a big trophy.

No, New Zealand.

America and New Zealand are the only places I went to.

I went to England.

You're traveling right now, technically.

Yeah.

You have a card?

Which kind of card?

Green.

No, I got a visa.

Okay.

I got a social security number late.

That's necessary.

I should have got that before I came.

And I just sat in Steubenville, Ohio for two weeks in the winter waiting to get documentation.

I organized it real bad.

You can't get a bank account.

I couldn't cash a check.

I just had no money.

My wife and I, we went to a, there was like a, you know, they helped the unfortunate center in the downtown of this beautiful Rice Belt town.

Oh, let them go.

Where they help prostitutes and things.

And they helped us.

They were like, oh, you're in the same sort of situation.

Friendship room.

They do great work.

Oh, shit.

I'm so proud of them.

I forgot to put this on for you.

Wait, what should I do?

Oh, is that it?

Oh, it's...

Oh, nice.

Terrible.

Evil team.

Shame.

What do you mean, the Dons?

Yeah, drug cheats and then failures afterwards, I'm sorry to say.

The what?

Yeah, they had a big drug cheat scandal.

Drug cheat?

What do you mean?

They wouldn't give up their drugs?

No, the needles.

The needles were.

And then they had a lot of soft tissue injuries.

What you want is Adelaide.

That's the team for the future.

That's America's team.

What are they?

The Bats?

The Crows.

The Crows?

Crowboys.

Shane blew up our local media because I gave him a crow's hat and he wore it once.

And you're like, you will not believe who is supporting the Allied crows.

It's crazy.

And then a lot of boomers in Australia are going like, well, I don't know him.

So how famous can he be?

It's like, and people in the comments are going, well, you don't know.

He's like a DB and sitting by the road.

Oh, man, we don't connect to the outside world all that often.

I had to recognize for one of the players after the game.

That's nice.

I think Nick Cody went there.

Cody loves him.

They're an out-of-suburban Melbourne team.

That'd be so important for him.

And his happiness.

And for his sake, I hope they win a final one day.

Oh,

suck on that, Cody.

Eat it.

No, it's the Crow's year.

It's our year.

I can feel it.

I said this last year.

It really wasn't.

Is that the only Adelaide team?

No, we've got Port Adelaide.

Yes, they're like the working-class team with the credibility.

And we spit on that as a big corporate.

You know?

Do they wear these scarves as scarves, or do they always just drape it like a regal?

No, I wear mine as a scarf.

Here's a weird thing, though.

If your team loses, you take the merch off.

Right?

In shame.

Just the day, in shame.

Because otherwise, you're walking around in the merch and people are going, ah, they make fun of you in public.

Going, not so good, not a good guy.

And you take them off.

But here in America, Rand Hale will shine.

People, you're wearing it no matter how the team's doing.

I went to State of Origin with Cody, too.

A little scarf up there.

What'd you get?

Was that yeah?

It's game one.

This past year, game one,

in actually in Sydney, and and and Brisbane won, yeah, which was great.

And everyone, we're walking in.

Cody's dressed

completely decked up in

Queensland gear.

Queensland gear.

People like, wearing the wrong outfit, mate.

Everyone just kept screaming up.

It's unbearable.

People are so dignified and restrained in your country.

Yeah.

I mean, people talk about like Americans getting loud and loose and they're overseas and they're asking a lot of questions and they're intruding on people.

Australians are so...

I went to a high school sport game the first time I came here.

I went to go and see the Steubenville High School.

Not the one that had the big history, but the Good Catholic School, who actually did not have that problem.

Do you remember the big red?

Anyway, I went to go and see them play.

And there's, you know, like 200, 300 parents watching this game.

Not one drunk, shouting person.

The team got destroyed.

It was like 60 to 0.

The slaughter rule kicked in.

That's why they're not screaming.

They don't care.

They were checked out.

Not even the other team were like getting amped about having a win.

I'd never seen this before of that many people watching a sporting match in one place and no one's being nasty.

Wow.

In Australia, always.

Man, you could get six parents at a soccer game, and my dad would be there going,

What are you doing?

Get involved.

Did you see that guy at a hockey like tryout or whatever?

No, he's cursing, and the mom's like, Oh, yeah, real nice.

And he goes, He goes, It's not fucking tennis.

No, it's a real game.

The British are the worst for that.

British mums and dads at soccer, scum,

filth, nasty, weird.

You care too much about it.

Yeah.

Go to start fights.

I think it's because it's a boring game.

So you've got to bring your own violence.

It's incredibly boring.

I cannot.

Are you a well-traveled man?

All these places you talk about love soccer.

They love soccer everywhere.

They love soccer.

Have you ever felt an emotional soccer connection?

No, I guess not.

It's tough.

It's just like bored.

It's a 0-0.

Like, okay, it's tight game, but still 90 minutes to go.

And then it's like 2-0, like, this game's over.

Yeah, but then it comes right back.

Or it doesn't.

Who knows?

There's no three-pointers.

I would love to like...

90 minutes is such a good amount of time for a game to go for.

AFL goes for like three hours.

NFL, your American football goes for.

That last quarter goes for half the game.

Kylie Sparrow is talking about how

footy is so much better than American football.

Yeah.

And I'm like, watch, because

you stop so much.

That is true.

But it is nice to watch a repeat of a game because you can just click on 30 seconds and then you get the initial game.

Those games are like, it just just shows you the actual game time.

It's not a long time.

It's like 18 minutes.

There's no time.

I do like that it's...

I like the story.

I like it's like it's so Hollywood.

So much anxiety and waiting.

I've really come around to your football.

Really?

I love it.

You got to wait.

You support a team?

Yeah.

Support a club?

A program and a club.

What's the program?

YouTube?

No, I love...

Shane got me in Notre Dame.

That was, we swapped.

He took the Crows and I took Notre Dame.

Okay.

But I love the Steelers.

Steelers are great.

I was just outside of Pittsburgh.

You'd go to a dive bar and have the towel.

Mike Tomlinson.

That's a homer town.

Mike Tomlinson's so catty.

It's a homer town.

Ben Rafflesberger can chad away in a fucking

in a bathroom and everyone's like, nah, nah, don't worry about that.

They care about it.

It's like, what's the other one?

Like Green Bay.

The way they get around those boys.

There's more people in that team than there are living in the town.

The Green Bay, the town owns the team.

It's the only NFL team.

Isn't that beautiful?

It's owned by the town.

Shouldn't it be that way?

Should be.

Privately owned.

Yeah, get the members' ownership.

Yeah.

Sorry, I'm kicking off.

I really am passionate about it.

The Crows is owned by the fucking...

By the way?

The AFL.

The AFL owns it.

And picks who's on the board.

And you can sign up to be a member.

And you get like two members out of seven on the board.

But it's all just a sham.

Can something real and grassroots grow out of a corporate entity?

Can you reverse engineer that?

That's the great question of the transplant football team.

I think about it all the time.

No, here they just move.

They're like, we can't get a new stadium.

I'm moving away.

Straight away dirt fucking Luca for nothing.

Yeah, that was.

You're a Lakers man?

No, I hate the Lakers.

Oh, who are you?

Who do you love?

First, anyone but the Lakers.

Okay.

Second, the Pelicans.

Oh, well, you got to get Zion on this podcast and tell him to keep his mind out of the

ladies.

He may as well.

He's not playing because he may as well get some fucking strains.

I was so excited by him when he started.

When he plays, it's great, but nobody plays.

Fuck that team.

Fucked all sports.

Why did you choose New Orleans?

You don't know New Orleans.

I lived in North Carolina.

They started in North Carolina, and they moved to New Orleans.

Why?

I moved with them.

How can New Orleans sustain like three professional top teams and not one comedy?

Not one comedy.

Okay.

What's going on?

I go there and I talk about it with them, and they're like, it's not really a sit-down and watch things type of city.

They're dumb.

The city's full of dumb people, Creoles or uneducated.

I could never half-frank.

I assume that's a cultural issue.

Redneck.

Yeah.

Yeah.

if they're not like doing some sort of incantation on someone, they don't know what they're doing.

But their music's so beautiful.

You know, King Baby?

I don't know.

It's just a big fucking cake, and sometimes they bury a baby inside of it.

Oh, I heard they had to stop doing King Babies.

Yeah, because it's just like old school abortions.

Old school fucking

drop your babies.

It's more sophisticated than that.

Your friend what?

C.J.

Landry, who's from just outside of there.

He was like, I can't believe they've stopped the King Baby.

It's so creepy, this adult face on a baby.

If they can have that, they should be able to have a comedy club.

They should be able to have a comedy club.

You can't support it.

It's too much other stuff to do.

Yeah.

But

comedy's very cool now.

What about a little break?

It's a big enough city.

In the French quarter.

King Baby.

Oh, no.

I got the wrong King Baby.

Hold on.

What's the baby in a cake thing?

You said Cape.

There's something in New Orleans.

Cake baby.

Cake baby?

It's King Baby or King Cake Baby.

Yeah.

But you put a baby in a cake.

Yeah, that goes in a cake.

It's a smaller version of that.

Okay.

Yeah, I know.

it inside king cakes in New Orleans, Louisiana.

The baby symbolizes Jesus and is a Mardi Gras tradition that dates back hundreds of years.

Yeah, anything that comes from slavery time is okay with you.

Hundreds of years.

I like people manufacturing long traditions, you know.

Like, do you remember the Vuvuzella at

the World Cup?

It's made these terrible noises in South Africa.

And they're like, this is an ancient tradition.

You guys fucking made of plastic.

It's plastic.

What are you talking about?

Well, it dates back to the late 1960s.

It's the most annoying World Cup.

They should never be allowed to host it again.

Just go to the Arabs.

The Arabs are doing a great job.

Let the Arabs do it.

Guys, good news in the comedy world.

James McCann has a new special called Black Israelite.

It's on his YouTube account.

James Donald Forbes McCann.

It's his first full stand-up comedy special, and I see you guys should all like it.

I think you guys should all watch it.

Black Israelite.

James is a hilarious comic.

And for a long time, before he moved to America, he was known quite widely as the best comic in Adelaide.

That doesn't mean a lot to you, but maybe you're like a German settler in a nearby town outside Adelaide.

And you're like, well, I want to see comedy, but I want to see somebody great.

Where are you going to go?

Where are you going to go?

Where are you going to go when they come for you?

James McCann.

JDF.

McCann on Instagram, James Donald Ford McCann.

Check him out on there, but check out his new special, guys.

Legitimately, he's hilarious.

Like, hilarious.

And it's always great when somebody has a new special.

So what I'd like is for you guys to go always.

It's more important than subscribing to this podcast, which I do want you to do, or buying my merch, you know, which also I do want you to do.

More, what I want is whenever a stand-up comic has a new special out that...

has come onto this show i want you to go to their fucking special especially the youtube ones the number one place for stand-up comedy specials in the world um and leave a comment to let them know that you came from here.

So like came from Ubi Trippin'.

It's an easy one.

Or make a joke based on something in the show, but also mention Ubi Trippin' in case he forgot.

He's also on the road.

He's going to be in St.

Louis on September 19th, 20th.

Then Omaha

on the September 20th.

Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore.

the Port Comedy Club, Oklahoma City, and Tulsa, Oklahoma in November.

God, both those Bricktown clubs are really, really good.

Go to what for the tickets?

Can you read it?

JDF McCann.

That's his website?

JDF McCann.

JDFMCCANN.com for tickets.

And that's it, guys.

Let's get back to the episode.

But for sure, for sure, for sure, check out his special Black Israelite.

And let's get back to New Zealand.

But for me, actually,

I have tour shirts.

I have these Ari Shafir cat shirts that everyone should get.

God damn.

Wait.

How do I do it?

My face is.

Is that about right?

Go pick up yours today and all your Yubi Trippin' merch and everything.

And

this weekend is Shroom Fest.

December 6th, 7th, and 8th.

This is Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

There's a full moon, I think, on the Sunday.

So get out there at night if you don't want to go daytime.

If you haven't located mushrooms yet, you better hurry up and get them.

Might be too late.

But if you wanted to participate, all you got to do is mushrooms.

I'll be doing them wherever I am.

I've done them in all sorts of places.

I've done them in Australia.

Well, no, I mean, I picked fresh ones on Go Coast in Australia once.

Where have I done Shroom Fest?

I've done it at a UFC with Duncan in Calgary.

I've done it in Montreal.

I've done it in Joshua Tree.

I've done it in San Diego, the beach.

Scotland, Edinburgh, all sorts of places.

Bonnaroo, I think.

Anyway, find your mushrooms and do them.

It's Shroom Fest.

It's an international mushroom holiday.

I didn't start it.

I was told by the mushrooms about it and to spread the word.

And so I've been spreading the word.

I've got.

I've got no hand on this.

The Shroom Fest shirts that many of you bought, I love the design, and so did you.

I don't make any money off that.

That goes all to the artist who gives a portion of that to MAPS, Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies.

It goes all to the artist Liam Gwynn.

I don't want to make money off Schumefest.

I just want to spread the word.

So this weekend, December 6th, 7th, and 8th, one of those days, do some mushrooms.

I will be doing it with you, but just in a different place.

Now, let's get back.

to the episode.

New Zealand.

James, take us there.

All right.

Where are we going?

We're going to New Zealand.

This is, I was wrong.

I said this is your Tijuana.

No, it's our Canada.

It's your Canada.

For sure.

That's a better way to say it.

Cold, there's less of a motion.

Further away from the equator, just like ours.

This is the only country that's mostly in the...

Well, I mean, this doesn't count.

Chile doesn't count.

It's in the roaring 40s.

So they really get the wind sweeping through.

I may be pointing in the wrong direction, but in one of these directions, the wind is hitting them.

I love it.

I went when I was...

My wife is from there.

She's from Dunedin, which is

like culturally an important city, but economic.

She's like,

well, she had come to Melbourne.

She was flyering at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

A terrible festival.

I'll never do it again.

You met a flyer?

I met a flyer.

Nish Kumar married a flyer.

Was he already successful by that point?

Don't believe so.

I don't know that.

It would be wrong to be successful and do it, but I was really failing.

That's interesting.

It would be wrong.

Oh, man.

It would be wrong.

She'd be a very successful person.

God forbid something has happened to her now, and I was a single man, and I was fucking a flyer.

That would be dreadful.

But as a failure, having a bad time at a festival, and she's just there.

It was great.

Yeah.

She's making more money than you.

Definitely.

They had me way across town late at night.

At the Melbourne Fest?

At the Melbourne Fest.

I was at Trades Hall.

Terrible venue.

May it break apart and catch fire.

Shame on the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

They missed it.

And all who run it.

Yeah, they slept on me.

I met there once, and I was just doing a whole tour of Australia.

And then I was like, no, I'm not going to do the whole festival, but I'll do a week there.

Yeah.

And then I met up with Sean Patton and Kyle Canaane.

And they've already been there for two weeks.

And I was like, I'm so excited.

You guys ready to go out?

They're like,

I remember that year.

You're done.

I remember that year.

I think Carl Canan only went once.

And I remember he invoked the ire of the festival staff.

Why?

He had a great joke about getting sucked off by a girl with brain damage.

That's funny.

It was a great bit.

And he was the best.

You know, not a bad guy.

It was just like a silly, strange story.

Yeah.

And man,

people were walking up.

I think he got weirded out.

I don't remember.

People got like festival people to show that this is not the sensitive comedy that Nanette would spring from shortly thereafter.

Like, got up and Huffy

and stormed out.

And it was so great.

I realized at that point that there was some disconnect with me.

These people were never going to get around me.

Here's a man doing exactly the thing that I'd like to be doing, and they hate it.

It's the festival vibe really wants you to be festivally.

Just, yeah, so many shows about your dad, your fucking dad fucked you, you commit suicide, it it didn't work out.

I actually saw Nish at in Edinburgh.

Yeah.

It was right before he hit mainstream, but he was big there and he goes, you guys have a good time?

Pack.

Just so you know, I only draw at the festival.

Anywhere in Europe when it's not a festival crowd, I get 20 people in my shows.

Nice.

Then he got bigger, but like it was, it's a different vibe with those things.

They're a festival.

Amos Gill is there at the moment doing very well.

He's got a big festival.

Yeah.

I could never do it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

Anyway, New Zealand.

So we met in Melbourne.

She's from New Zealand.

She fled to Dunedin.

And then she came to live with me in Adelaide.

And then I was working in a magazine in Adelaide.

This is the second time I went to New Zealand, but we went and we met her family.

Play girl.

It was, yes.

I only read it for the men.

I didn't pay any attention to the articles whatsoever.

Man, I should start.

I mean, when I was a kid, we went there.

That was the first place we went on holiday.

I just hit puberty, and I was a real unpleasant person.

And I just made my parents' life bad the whole time.

From Adelaide.

From here is Sweet Adelaide.

and we came, we did a driving tour of the South Island of New Zealand.

Is this easier to get there?

I mean, you're that close to New Guinea or somewhere fucking awesome.

Well, you don't want to take your children to New Guinea unless you have a problem with them.

Especially not fat kids.

Meaty kids.

Man,

they do seem to eat them.

They do seem to eat them.

Yeah, not foreigners, but their own and other, you know, tribal warfare.

Do you think it's more acceptable to eat a child or to fuck one?

Oh, leave it alive.

Eat.

Eat.

Yeah.

It's more.

Yeah, there is no societal justification for tribal.

But tribal cannibalism, you go, well, this is their thing.

Who are we to judge the killing and eating of a child?

I can definitely see.

Yeah, if you can get into arguments, especially with the New Zealanders, with the, because the Maoris would eat people.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You know, ritualistically.

They go, not for nutrition.

It's like, that's the hill we want to die on?

All right.

Got some nutrition.

But it was to scare people.

You'd eat them a little bit.

Yeah, get some kale on the side.

And there's a real defense of that.

And it's nice watching their progressive media try and be like,

no.

Because you can't blame indigenous.

Oh, no.

And so they go, well, why are you focusing on it?

What are you getting at?

You're like, I think it's interesting.

It's so funny when someone starts to lose their argument.

They go, why are we even talking about this?

Like, I don't know what's in the news.

You immediately lose once you go, why is that interesting to you?

There's bigger things to worry about.

I'm like, I'm also worried about those things.

Yeah, but we're talking about this now.

I was in Ecuador and I met somebody from Hong Kong.

He just left, and they were talking about how they ate dog there.

Yeah.

And they have to beat on them for a while before they kill him because they want the toxins released.

released.

Sure.

And everyone there was all these white people going, like, well, you know, that's their culture.

I guess you have to, you know, whatever.

And then he just goes, no, guys, it's disgusting.

They're beating dogs and eating.

It's a great.

The British Empire had that line about, I think it was called Suti.

Yeah.

Where you'd burn a, you know, if you die, they burn the wife.

And the Indians tried to go like, no, it's our culture to burn the woman after the husband has died.

And the British Empire was like, it's our culture not to let people burn widows.

We really frown on that now.

Clash of cultures.

But yeah, the West has definitely learned that.

So, okay, so you're going to New Zealand.

You go to New Zealand as a kid.

I was a shit the whole time.

It was the most beautiful holiday.

I'd got a Walkman.

What do you call it?

Discman?

I was just listening to the Discman sport.

Son of Sport.

Blood, Sugar, Sex Magic.

I would listen to on a loop.

And I was just nice to my whole family.

And they were nice.

It was really.

It was Alaska Chili Peppers album.

No, it's not true.

It is.

Then they got entrapped after that.

They got Balladie.

Once you get Ballad.

Californication has some great tracks on it.

All around the world.

We can make time.

You could have that as the theme song for this.

Do you think?

I'll ask him.

By the way.

Once he went to Ballad, that's when what's his name fucking took off for Shannon?

Because he was like, oh, you guys want Ballad.

I'm done.

He comes back.

He's done here.

Yeah, when he needed money.

I think he may have also left for do some heroin.

Yeah.

They weren't

doing heroin.

They surprised him.

He thought he was coming to a fun heroin band.

Not so after

the big hits.

No, they're ballads.

I mean, under the bridge.

I heard a man playing that at the farmer's market I was at the other day.

Every band that goes ballad that's a rock band

loses it.

They go commercial.

Same thing with Green Day, Time of Your Life.

They were never the same band after that.

It's funny, though, that that's often the best song that they're remembered for.

And then that's who we got to be now.

It's more successful.

You're fucked.

Would you say that of Metallica, though?

You think nothing else matters?

It's the last impactful Metallica?

I don't know them well enough to speak.

I was about to say something.

They're star sick and I find in you.

It's a bit different.

Yeah, they're not the same band anymore.

They weren't the punk band anymore after that.

Yeah, that's true.

They had the same elsewhere shortly after.

Hold on.

I want to know if this is true.

I'm thinking about it.

My dad always said that, like, the end of Stevie Wonder's career was I Just Call to Say I Love You.

It was a huge song.

And that your biggest song is often the one after which you cannot have any successes.

Yeah, and it's like they get her a new fan base.

You try to please that new fan base.

Yeah.

Chicago got lame where they go, look away, baby, look away.

And you're like, wait, Chicago used to be cool?

Yeah.

You have no idea because they're all just ballading and fucking date rocks.

But you are going to, you should use your ballad points, though, because you're going to get uncool anyway.

Time will come for you in the end, you know?

What's the song in

that Christmas, that

British Christmas movie with like a 20 different like TV levels?

Love actually.

Love actually.

What's the song?

What are they saying?

What are they?

Damn, how do I not know this?

Is this the one the boy has to learn to play on guitar?

Oh, yeah.

Christmas is all around us.

It's a great song.

Yeah.

I hate that movie.

God, that movie sucks.

I really do.

It's so fucking dumb.

And then the dad, the guy from Taken, who could do that,

just goes, you're going to fucked him kid in your class?

Oh,

I'll support you unless Christy Brinkley's here.

Then I'm going to try to fuck her.

Why are you talking to a child like that?

Well, he doesn't say fuck him.

More or less.

He's kind of...

He believes in that.

Because he's a loner.

Then fucking, what's his name?

Just firing a chick because she's too cute.

Prime Minister, just firing a fucking intern because she's too cute and chubby.

She was a beautiful, chubby lady.

Kara Knightley is so spectrally beautiful in that scene.

And then the dude from Walking Dead is like, oh, I just, I don't know, just I don't know.

It's not great.

Not great.

Like, yeah, bro, you're my husband's friend.

What are you doing?

Q Grant doing the Prime Minister scene with Billy Bob Thornton.

So soft.

Like, Britain, it's over.

You can't.

That's all they've got, right?

That's what the whole, it's all rhetoric.

It's all cheek.

Yeah.

And then he goes, you're an attractive man, Billy Bob, though, not like me, a former male model.

I could get any street transsexual into my car that I want, and then laugh about it on David Letterman.

That's a masterful meeting.

God, that guy's so hot.

My goodness, sir.

I've made a very silly decision.

I thought I was giving her a lift home, honestly, really.

I can't believe he tried to sell that story.

I think I was trying to give a stranger a ride home.

She was a nice young lady and whatever.

I mean, he's not looking great there.

He looks like a Sharpe.

Time can't, yeah.

You lose your age.

Hey, put him next to a Sharpe.

Make a little thing for me.

Emperor in Star Wars.

There's a slight.

Yeah, he does look a little Emperor-ish.

Do it.

Yeah, lightning bolts coming out of his eyes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's Hugh Grant.

Well, he was so handsome, he probably thought he didn't need to have plastic surgery.

Yeah, he didn't.

He stayed nice looking.

Yeah, that's black Hugh Grant at the bottom.

Yeah.

Lord's name.

That's Hugh Ghetto.

Well, it's Hugh Grant and Hugh Subsidy.

I don't know.

Yeah, I was happy with that.

There's something there.

I was happy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not college grants.

All right, so tell me about our New Zealand.

Tell what you do when you go there.

So when I was a kid and we went there, we went for a walk just outside of Christchurch in the mountains.

And I was, we had a video camera, we were documenting the trip.

Yeah.

And I went for a walk with my brother.

And I guess that's the Southern Alps or near it.

What?

Yeah.

Just running across New Zealand.

Down in the South Island, huge mountain range.

They call it the Southern Alps.

I might be getting the name of the mountain range wrong, but that one is there.

But we ran ahead because, you know, mum and dad are being, you know, it's your mum and dad.

I'm hitting puberty.

So we ran ahead and we took a wrong turn.

We started going down a sheep path instead of the actual mountain walking path.

And we got completely lost.

And we were very scared.

We were out there for hours.

Temperature starts dropping.

And we've heard.

My mum's a big, she's a worry wart, but in this case was pretty bang on with the concern.

She was like, people die in these mountains all the time.

When it goes cold at night,

wow, watch out.

So we recorded a video on the camcorder being like, in case we die,

we love you all.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's right, you know, the green light and everything.

And then eventually we kept walking and we stumbled across some like barbed wire fences.

And there was a jogger.

just running around.

Yeah, like it became not scary very quickly.

And there's a jogger with a headline.

He's like, oh, yes, I'll take you back to find your mum and dad.

And we, you know, whatever.

Is that you doing it in New Zealand?

Yes, that's not a bad New Zealand accent, I don't believe.

Now do you regularly?

As a fucking girl, and you white dog.

It's the Australian accent.

No, this is me.

This is me normally.

I can't do it in Australia if I do the New Zealand accent.

Flies.

People know what I'm doing.

It's great.

I tried it once in America.

It's like...

People are like, is that just more Australian?

Yeah.

You just

being silly.

It's so

fall apart.

Oh, no.

That's very, very dissimilar.

Can't you?

If I do South African, that's obviously

quite different.

It's so safe.

It's my impression of a South African here.

My favorite one is from

Lethal Weapon when they'd send Denny Glover in to say I want to take a trip to South Africa.

Yeah.

And the consulate, because they're just trying to distract him.

The consulate guy goes, but

butcher blick.

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Man, you know, I was reading about Israel and South Africa.

I got in a big Wikipedia wormhole.

Wow, that doesn't get spoken about very often.

Yeah, it got spoken.

Yeah.

One of the last trips to and from South Africa was like you had to go to Israel to get there.

They're like long flights.

Yeah, long.

And

it was funny, their language changed immediately afterwards.

Israel's language to South Africa did change.

Because it was like, there was a lot of like, we have the same problem.

Isn't that crazy?

We're surrounded by people who hate us.

And afterwards, it's like, we deserve a homeland.

It pivoted a little bit.

That's interesting.

God bless God, help more.

When did it shift?

From who?

It shifted to more like, we are like before

pre-like 91.

even 1991.

Yeah.

Or like whenever it popped up.

94, sorry.

Yeah, it's like the apart, like, it starts to taper off, but they have these missives between the countries and like joint declarations of understanding.

People in the government going, their problem is our problem.

We have a very similar problem.

And then eventually Israel's like,

we have a very different problem.

They're like, no, let's actually let black people free.

We don't have their problem at all.

I don't relate to you guys.

See how that goes for it.

It's like, well, we still treat them like shit.

Man, so many.

NPR is even reporting now about the plight of the white South Africans.

I couldn't believe it.

I think NPR, I'm going to call it now, big right-wing shift in the last week.

In the last week?

In the last week, I've picked up some weird right-wing.

I don't know if they're trying to prepare themselves to get on Trump's, you know.

Is it nationalist public radio?

It'd be great if they got a new business management.

National Republican Party.

Yeah.

Party of Republicans.

They're having people on who agree with Trump, and they're going, that's interesting.

NPR was always a little bit like, hey, I know we're liberal-minded, but we are just trying to report, but they can't help it.

They were above it for a long time.

But since all last year, it was in the trenches.

It was always like science breakthroughs and shit on NPR.

Yeah, it's nice.

Interesting stories, and then you're like a little bit of politics, but not really.

You know what I love is like the soft comedians who go in there and do like a live show where they all do like puns with each other.

It's like, how do I, how do I get into that?

I wanted to get in so bad.

That's all I wanted to be.

It was a little soft boy getting in and doing like little jokes about.

Well, Elon's son was in the Obel Office.

He might have been the most mature person there.

You know, like, whatever.

Just like,

I can do that shit.

Why don't they call me?

This is the every interview on on npr is this it's like you introduce me like i'm like um thanks mcan it's a pleasure to be here i've been a fan of the show for a long time so i really appreciate it so monkey spoon what's going on with that yeah well i'm glad you brought that up um

it's all smr interviews yeah the guest joys but there is and all things considered yeah

that's the game show louisa chang no it's like

his show and they're exact game show that's like sundays

What's it called?

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell me.

Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Unbelievable.

It's like something straight out of the 80s.

It's the same people.

Greg Proups was on it constantly.

Yeah.

I don't know who else.

Who's the one who had like something with kids?

Rita Rudner.

How do I get on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me?

I'd be so well behaved.

That's Segura.

I'd behave.

Yellow sports jacket.

That's thin Tom.

That's Tom in 18 Months.

Oh, look at that.

They had,

yeah, what's that guy?

That morning.

It's Bridget Everett.

That's cool.

And Tom Hanks gets to come on there.

He's in the inside.

They should have checked.

Bill, yeah, that guy Bill runs it.

Bill.

I don't know.

This is like real institutional.

The New York Times is going to write about

the New Yorker will go.

An interesting voice.

It's so funny that mainstream success and nobody gives a fuck.

Yeah, Drew Carey's on there.

Papa goes on there.

That makes sense.

Tom Bodette.

Tom Bodette.

Drew Carey.

Maz Jabrani goes on there.

I mean, that's fine.

It's just a pleasure.

What do you have to do to break into that?

Yeah, what do you do?

Hell no.

You have to be a nice person and never say anything

insane.

I mean, Papa doesn't have anything in his bones to go.

I'm unfamiliar.

To go like, you know, he's just not gruff.

Anyway.

To do it.

Sometimes I hear.

There was like an Australian lady who who got on there.

Who got Alonzo Bowden?

Wow.

Roy Blunt Jr.

Do they spell Roy Wood Jr.

wrong?

And Blotnick, I know.

It's like a whole shadow world of people who can't sell tickets.

They can't sell tickets.

Jealous of them.

Yeah.

And they can't fill up a fucking 60-seater in Tucson.

This was weird to see in Australia all these people who have like big radio shows in Australia.

Then they come to the town for the festivals and like,

I'm not moving any tickets.

Where's the disconnect here?

Like, isn't isn't it important to.

I say this as someone who struggled to have an audience for a long time.

Yeah.

But only because I was very lazy.

And I.

It's like, it's so nice to have an audience.

There are people who want to see you perform and to make work that they like.

But I don't want that.

I want to go on NPR and have them say, you're an interesting person.

Papa draws.

Papa's with the beacon.

I could be the overlay.

Let's go to New Zealand.

Oh, sorry.

So, yeah, we got lost.

We got lost in the mountains and we recorded a

video saying, no,

I'm a ghost.

I recorded it.

Wait, wait, don't tell me.

We record this video and we got back and like parents were very

you know relieved to have us back.

But then I was like 15 when that happened for the rest of my life at home.

Whenever people would come over at the house, my parents would be like, let's get the video out.

Are you scared?

It's going to get it.

Let's get the Lost in the Mountains video out.

And I would be like, please, it was, I don't want them to see it.

Like, girlfriends would come over and meet me.

They're like, you're going to want to see James and Alistair

thinking they're going to die.

It's great quality.

You had a friend named Alistair?

That's my brother.

Did you have a portal through time to the middle ages i think they felt guilty for going with james and that's just yeah i was gonna be donal with no d and my dad was a teacher at a public school and the kids were like oh because you're eye everyone's gonna call him a poofta they're gonna beat him up

and they did anyway though yeah but that was on me you can't put that down to james yeah that's just me and the way i behave so what what do you do there all right keep talking all right so we We come back probably.

It really helped the trip.

We were all arguing before then.

But then after we thought we were going to die, everyone really got, you know, had a good time for the last couple of days.

Did they have a hold-on moment where, like, they're mad, but like, I'm so glad you're safe.

Yeah.

Nice.

I actually don't remember them being nasty about it at all, except for the playing of the video to women that I was in love with.

When I went back, I can't find it anyway.

I hope they've destroyed it.

I went back with my wife, and

I asked her to.

I asked her to marry me there in Dunedin.

Would you give her a flyer that says, Will you be mine?

That would be great.

I bought her a...

No, I got a ring from my mum because we were poor.

And I wanted to take her to the Monarch Butterfly Exhibit.

So I walked her to

the museum, this big butterfly room.

But it was closed for the day.

And the only thing that was open was the animatronic dinosaur room.

And I thought that that would not be a good place.

So I just found a nice hill.

They did stink of Pierce because it was in the student part of it.

That was in Dunedin, which is a great college town.

They film period dramas there now.

Dunedin.

Man, yeah, Dunedin.

Have you been to Dunedin?

I haven't been to New Zealand yet.

Oh, well, I could go on.

Then I should just talk about the character of the people in New Zealand.

Yeah, talk about the people.

So

apt.

Is apt the word?

They are inclined to suicide at a huge rate.

They do not talk about their feelings, and they all know this, and they all laugh about it.

Their suicide rate is much higher than Australia's suicide rate.

And they...

I think Australia's high?

Australia's like pretty high.

I mean, it's like Western world high.

But New Zealand is higher.

Why?

No sunlight?

I think they don't.

You know, like, here, women will joke about, like, men can't express themselves.

Ooh.

In New Zealand, men are joking about men not being able to express themselves.

And they acknowledge that it's a weird problem.

They are very closed.

Canadians are so polite.

Where does that come from?

I think they're all Protestants.

They didn't have an Irish thing.

They never had a migration of WOGS.

What we would call WOGS.

That would be the Australian Wogs.

The Mediterranean peoples.

No Italians.

No Greeks.

Wait, is WOG derogatory?

It's better now.

In the UK, it means someone else.

And it's a bad bad term.

But in Australia.

What does it mean in the UK?

I think it means black people.

But in Australia it just means like Italian.

A person who's not white.

Well.

Because pre-black they got that term where it's like not white, but not even black.

Italians do occupy a weird position.

Log is a racial slur to ref used to refer in British English to black and whatever.

Yeah, but no, in Australia.

Just the Mediterranean.

Just the Mediterranean.

And they all talk the same way.

Oh, okay.

There you go.

Do you know Spanian?

Spaniard?

Spanian.

He walks around the streets of the world.

He's very woggy.

He talks like this.

This is how they talk, bro.

Hey, brother, what's happening?

It's a whole different accent.

Maybe that just sounds like my accent, too.

But does that sound different?

That sounds different.

Oi, that's my sister.

That's something they might say.

That sounds New Zealander.

No, no.

No, New Zealand's.

I think I'm doing the best exit.

You're doing a gay one, though.

Oi.

Get out of it.

No, if you blend them together, you get Maori.

Maybe that's the trick.

Maori's

New Zealand wogs.

So is New Zealand hella Christian?

So let it go.

It's just like high church Anglican and then just grinding it down Scandinavian style into irreligion.

And they've got a couple Catholics around, but they never, they just had like English migration and the Maoris.

Are they friendly?

Maori.

They want to be left alone.

This is...

We get along, and if you're talking about something that you're both interested in, there are some areas that it's odd.

There are ways in which they're way friendlier than Australians, and there are ways in which they're much colder.

Like they will invite strangers to house parties.

They're super friendly about that.

Aussies, we always go out to like a pub or something.

Maybe there's a barbecue, but this thing of having a house party where there's a lot of people at doesn't happen.

In New Zealand, it feels like across way more sections of society.

People just show up to house.

You know, you'll have a house party, and you don't know who's coming to your house that night.

Maybe someone has a guitar.

People from gangs show up.

They've got a much higher gang quotient.

Huge numbers of gangs.

Like, really?

Yeah.

What?

Yeah, they like, and also the gangs are not as violent.

So, like in Australia, gangs like bikey gangs, they're all doing meth.

They're all punching on.

They're all unpleasant.

In New Zealand, the Maori's in the gangs, obviously there's some unpleasantness.

But sometimes they're just slinging hash and like getting the microphone at a, getting the aux chord at a house party, singing so soulfully with the face tattoos.

So like there is that.

There is an openness to that.

But maybe also I got the unfriendly thing because

they got their backup about Australians.

They got what?

Australians have a hard time breaking into New Zealand.

Do you think there's like a competition there?

Like would an American have the same problem as an Australian?

I would say in the same way that Pittsburgh feels like they're in competition with Philadelphia, but Philadelphia is not aware that that's going on.

Pittsburgh is more in competition with Cincinnati.

Yeah, it's definitely true.

All right, take it back.

I would say America doesn't think of itself as being in competition with Canada.

No.

But Canada feels like they love their own people.

San Diego's in competition with LA.

LA doesn't give a fuck.

San Francisco's in competition with LA.

LA doesn't give a fuck.

The only place I've ever been to where they're not happy.

Like in Australia, we'll appropriate anyone to seem better.

We've got Russell Crowe.

he's from new zealand we go no he's ours mel gibson he was from america

he's good work

whatever ocean the greater australasia region but in atlanta they love saying people aren't from atlanta because everyone likes to go i'm from atlanta and so like black people in atlanta will be like megos aren't really from atlanta they're from 15 minutes from bookhead yeah they're not really us i've never heard that before before atlanta people going no no no they don't get to claim atlanta that's funny usually it's the city that wants to wrap its arms around you it's the ones who are from the city city, say not you.

Like the Bostoners, and people are like, no, no, no, no, no.

You're 20 minutes outside.

You're an hour outside.

Well, this is what.

So Bill Burr always says he was from somewhere that's not Boston, which appears

on a map.

Claims him.

Yeah.

Well, I guess you get that good and

people wrap their arms around you.

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Australia will win that.

They drink hard in New Zealand.

Boy.

Yes.

Way more.

They also smoke a lot of money.

More than Australians?

Yeah, I think the drinking culture is more...

More than Australians?

Yeah.

I'm trying to think if it's the people who are

the most.

We ah, no.

No, and man, they got they've got who who

it's more than Irish, it's more than Canadian.

That's how I think you can tell.

We gamble the most, for sure.

We lead in gambling.

Gamble with not using condoms.

They suck.

Yeah.

What can I tell you?

Never had an Australian girl say put with them on.

I mean, it's like you pull it out and they're like, what is that?

Oh, right.

Yeah, they're inclined towards the good, you know?

Yeah.

They know they haven't been corrupted by the evil media telling them that's inappropriate.

No one should be rapping it.

They drink it.

They have, I think it's called Scrumpy.

They've got like apples.

They've got like a cider that is like 12% alcohol and $3 and that big.

And you can just.

You make it yourself, or is that a store?

No, you just buy it from a store.

Scrumpy.

Am I getting that right?

Yeah.

That.

They put it in plastic.

Huge, like old mount cider.

And that'll be, what's the percentage of that scrumpy?

You get lit off that.

Yeah, it's like...

One and a quarter liters.

What?

I mean, that's for a whole party.

You can't have that yourself.

You'll just have that over the course of an evening.

What is it?

It's like Fago.

Look at that.

So she's doing scrumpy.

She's an alcoholic.

She's got two scrumpy hands

taped to her hands.

She's doing Edward Scrumpy hands.

She's in for a big night.

Look how happy she is.

Well, she hasn't really had a lot of the scrumpy yet.

She got a.

She got a

cross around her neck?

Nice Christian.

Wow.

Yeah,

I think one Scrumpy Titan would be awesome.

And how do you look at look at the guy putting rabbit ears behind him?

Like, that's going to fucking embarrass her.

Not the 220-ouncers taped to her palm.

Yeah, it looks like she's made it through some of the first one.

So she's probably getting the good buzz on.

That's going to dissipate.

Look at how alcoholic Scrumpy is.

It's like,

I think it's like it rivals.

It's not quite wine.

8% alcohol.

8%.

That's too bad.

Dude, no, no, no.

That's like two

beer.

Delirium tremens.

One of those will get you fucked.

It's the kind of beer they put in one of those weird different glasses where it's like

you can't have a whole

pint of this.

Well, they do it.

I don't know.

No more than 10 bucks, and you're drinking 1.25 liters.

Yeah.

Yeah, they love it.

This company is a working man's cider.

They also do this.

I don't know if they do this with marijuana here, but to save money and not have to buy papers, they'll hot knife.

Do you have hot knifing?

Yeah, soda used to do it in Alaska.

That's insane.

Knife hits.

Knife hit?

Yeah, they'll just.

I did it

in Egypt once.

This guy had hash, and he did it over a cup.

You know that?

Oh, I have heard about that.

I'm not a marijuana person, but my wife has told me all about it.

Yeah, you burn it over.

The egos would do it.

Yeah.

I was just going to, whatever.

Anyway.

Oh, also, great.

Put on Dunedin.

One of the best music scenes in Australasia.

Ever.

Do you go a lot now?

Why?

We have to go back just before we came to America.

So this would be the other.

What's the music scene?

It was

on through.

It's a very jingle-jangle guitar ribbon.

High the unclear would be the current best one that I know of, but it's all Dunedin sound is what they call it.

Flying none record.

Hold on, hold on.

I want to hear about the sound.

How do you do in knife heads?

I've never done it.

I've just heard about it.

They have two knives on an element on a stove, and they get it real hot and then press them together on the bud and then suck them.

Am I getting this right?

I think so.

Usually you do it with wax.

Hot knives, Keith Edition.

Wait.

Oh, yeah, and then they put that the head of the bottle over the top.

Here's what they love.

Here's

the soul of New Zealand is something that's shitty and poor that they act like is a bit fancy.

Explain.

So, like the knife hits.

This is the most, this is almost heroin spoon level.

Once you're getting drugs and cutlery mixing together, but they'll treat that like that's a nice thing to do.

There we go.

Like that's interesting.

So he heated it up.

Oh, then he's doing like a gravity bong.

Wow.

Hey, you're going to take a hit.

Yeah.

You know, like, buy some.

Oh, my God, bro.

You're overflowing.

Stop.

Give him a chance.

This is how Louis Gomez makes you do bong hits.

Wait, Louis.

Look at that guy.

Yeah, he's sucking him in in the air.

Where are these guys from?

It's true.

Look at that.

Let's just not say, it's just a good night out with the boys.

Everyone's having fun.

There's the vibe broke.

lobby.

What?

I think he might be Italian.

Who the fuck is that?

Is that all he does?

They just do this all the time.

In Egypt,

you lit it right here and just let it go into the, let's say, this is solid, but you let it go into the cup and then you go

like that.

But that's fucking great.

It's just not as much.

We're a bong country in Australia.

A lot of hose pipes getting cut up.

Do they do that here?

Only in like central Washington state.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, that's all over the place.

Gatorade Parade.

Which one do you have?

Gatorade?

People have a Gatorade bottle and they stick a lawn pipe in, a lawn hose.

I want to think of this.

I'm so close to the center of what is the American, the New Zealand culture.

It's like.

Drinking, music.

Okay, here's one to stay with me.

If you get on a flight, a long flight from New Zealand, they do this thing on the planes called the sky couch.

Right?

And they go, ooh, you can fly on the sky couch.

That's a better way to fly.

All the sky couch is, is you get the road to yourself.

It's not an innovation in any serious way.

But they go, ooh, sky couch.

That's a bit fancy.

Right?

They let you have it?

Yeah, you just, they go, like, ah, we'll just, we'll give you a little thing that goes on top of the three seats.

They haven't really changed aeronautical design.

Oh, they just move the fucking middle thing out.

They just give you a move the handrest out.

So you guys can call it the sky couch.

But really, that's just

buying three seats.

Just buying three seats.

But they go, they do almost nothing to change it.

And they go, ooh, how about that?

That's a little different.

That's a very new season.

like legs like that like their cuisine yeah like yeah what do they have lolly cake which is just like a cake

with lollies

in it

yeah

what right

so this does lollipop in there yeah it's just well not like like a little candies that they've like just shoved into the cake there are countless like examples of this their big dip is uh kiwi dip this is like if you have kiwi dip at a party, they go, ooh, kiwi dip.

Very nice.

Bring up kiwi dip.

All it is, is like powdered onion soup

and

condensed cream mixed together that you then eat with salt and vinegar chips.

It's going to kill it.

But they go like, this is our thing.

This is our.

Oh,

wait.

It's just onion dip.

No, it's onion soup and reduced cream.

But you have to get

onion soup.

Is it?

They have that here as onion dip.

We have French onion dip.

Nah, nah.

It's a little.

Sometimes you put a little vinegar in there, kiwi dip.

Dips with bits.

Kiwi dip.

Why do they call them kiwis?

The bird, I think.

A small, harmless bird.

Is that correct?

I mean, I would love to see you do a taste up between this and fucking French onion dip.

I've had French onion dip.

It doesn't, it pales in comparison to this.

This is great.

This is great.

Get a little vinegar in there.

Hey, can you Google is kiwi dip just French onion dip?

Nah, nah, nah.

Nah, nah, you wait.

There's going to be some very important distinction.

Kiwi dip is essentially a New Zealand variation of French onion dip,

primarily distinguished by using a specific packet of Maggie onion soup mix.

Yeah,

you're cream, often a touch of lemon juice or malt vinegar, whereas French onion dip typically uses a base of sour cream and caramelized onions with additional seasonings.

Look, that's earthy for that to be your food though, right?

Yeah.

It's not.

Your food is a dip.

That's an occasional thing.

Yeah.

The French look down on the French onion dip.

The Kiwis look up to it.

There's something about them that's interesting.

The last time we were there was one year ago before we came to America.

I'd flown out with my whole family to Auckland to go to my last visa appointment.

Before we flew on here and because the wife and the kids all get New Zealand passports, there was a lower waiting time for that visa place.

I've been offered a job in America and I got fired in New Zealand from the job I was coming to.

Like the day after I got the visa, I got a text saying,

you can't work here.

We've looked up your comedy and it's filthy and we're not going to be able to do it.

No, really?

Yeah, genuinely.

And I don't want to go on about it.

But I still got to, I got three months' rent and I got a small amount of money to get by.

I got to buy a car and have groceries for a $5,000 car.

It was, yeah.

So it was, we could live a little bit,

but

it was that, we then spent two weeks over Christmas in New Zealand with me knowing that we were going to America.

We didn't have the money to get back home.

I had money waiting for me there to live for a little bit and free rent, but I had no money.

I'd quit my job in Australia.

And we just had two weeks in New Zealand with my wife's family and driving around and seeing her friends in Dunedin to

just like look down the barrel of we're about to be in a country where we've, you know, my wife had never been there.

I'd been there for two weeks.

We've got three small kids.

What the fuck are we going to do?

It was great.

It was a great.

I've never been so scared.

Every day.

We had to live in cheap Airbnbs because we didn't know how much money we'd have.

So we had to live in regional, remote Airbnbs that didn't have flushing toilets.

If you go down the...

Oh, they have those?

Yeah, it's just like a long drop built into the house.

And then they,

you know, you put some, what's it called?

Sawdust on top of the poop.

Oh, yeah.

And we would just, like, walk along the beach.

Were you cool with it?

Yeah, I mean, by that point, we were just happy to...

I mean, we stayed in the cheapest hotel we could in Auckland, and I had to lie about how many kids we had so that they would let us in.

We've got three kids, and they're like, room's too small for a man with any more than one kid.

I got three kids, yeah.

So we drag them around this whole time.

Six, four, and two.

Just about.

One's about to have a birthday.

Or just had a birthday.

Six, four, and two, then you do another one four years apart.

That's the deal.

First time.

Two, two, two.

Long.

You know how we Australians feel about contraceptives?

So you fuck three times.

No, it's probably closer to six.

Wait, so what are these places?

These rural places I want to hear about them.

Oh, man.

So

I've never been.

The south is different, huh?

Yeah.

So you've got the west coast.

So we went and we stayed in a place called Greymouth, which is where my

where my wife's mother, so Tess and Andrew, they were in Greymouth.

Yeah.

And

unbelievably beautiful, like a lot of ferns.

But

quite remote.

And just north of Greymouth, there is a cult on the cult on the the west coast, there is a strange cult that, while we were there, was suing the government to get, like, they were like, the women who have been doing domestic work for the cult should be getting financial compensation.

And the cult was like, this is going to bankrupt the cult.

What are you doing?

We can't pay you.

It's not the cult deal.

Yes.

And they have beautiful outfits and they look quite happy.

They seem to keep to themselves.

There they are.

Look at that.

Gloria Vale?

Yeah, this is sort of like New Zealand.

Oh, look at that.

When you get them in the water like that, it's game on.

Look how happy she is to be in front of Joe Biden.

He just wants to sniff her hair.

They're having a great time.

What is she wearing?

I mean, it's actually legitimately a pretty sick outfit.

It's such a, it looks like a costume, right?

Like.

I mean, that looks like a movie.

With the baker's there.

God, she looks like she is just going to...

You're coming in happy to a town.

She's going to look at you strange.

And you're like, oh, shit.

Beginning of Act 2.

oh so we saw them at the pier this is where i first saw them at the what were they doing just bathing for god they were just like hanging out so a thing that people do in greymouth is that i had always i want to get a boat and sail it to new zealand this is one of my like great fantasies and they were living in greymouth and i would say like oh i'll sail to ground greymouth one day that would be nice and they said never do that and i i said why and they go it's the most dangerous port with the large so what they do in greymouth for fun is you go down to the the harbor to watch the boats coming in and just have a fucking drink if you you type in Greymouth Port onto YouTube, there are hours of people either almost drowning or question mark or like boats that you just go, dad, boats gonna,

no way.

You gotta go videos and you've got to write probably disaster.

The bar crossing.

It's just tough.

It's like

unbelievable.

What the fuck's it's not even worth going there.

There's nothing there.

There's very little there.

There's a great countdown.

Damn, look at this.

He's about to get rocked rocked by that one wave behind him.

Oh, he's trying to outrun it.

He's like fucking surfing on it.

He's not going to outrun it.

No way.

There it is.

There it is.

Now you're getting wet.

All my stuff was out there.

I had a deck of cards.

But there are bad ones.

There are bad ones with

hundreds of thousands of views.

Yeah.

Bar crossing.

Oh, man.

People getting lost in the surf.

Really?

Just getting exhausted.

What do you mean?

Go big, big, big views.

Big views.

5.7 million.

That seems better.

Look at that.

Oh, that's close.

Wow.

I mean, what's worth going there for?

It is beautiful.

Okay.

It's very nice.

Peter Jackson has a museum there.

Peter Jackson, the director of The Hobbit.

Of The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings.

He set up like his

father.

Is he a Kiwi?

He's a proud Kiwi.

Interesting.

That's what I'm growing my hair at so I can play him in an upcoming film.

No one's asked me to yet, but I'm thinking about it.

Yeah, you've got to play him.

It's important.

And then also King Kong, where no one talks about that.

Of course not.

And certainly not that one where

the cities had wheels and fought each other.

What?

His dark engines?

Was he just a producer on that?

That one looked especially bad.

Yeah,

he's desperate for a hit.

The Hobbit?

That wasn't it.

No, that wasn't it.

Lord of the Rings is great.

They just kept trying to milk it with his big, big budget things.

Maybe he's not the Dark Engines.

Yeah, it is.

Mortal engines post-apocalyptic sci-fi fiction movie about a world where cities move on wheels cities on wheels ari

it's the big cool new everyone's gonna love cities on wheels

girl without a nose city with wheels yeah

man without a nose no one's got a nose in this movie

um well i guess oh my people were not one last well you

hear about adrian i was a meme i saw i don't know if it's true like adrian Adrian Brody on the set of the Brutalist.

Someone tried to, in makeup, someone tried to pull off his nose because they thought it was a prosthetic nose.

No.

That's just what I saw in a meme.

I did a movie with him.

You did a movie with Adrian Brody?

Yeah, we were in separate scenes.

I never met him.

It was like a sketch movie.

It was

at one time the lowest-rated movie of all time.

No way.

Yeah, directed by?

No, it wasn't Peter Jackson.

The man who invented?

Cheese.

The

Shamwell.

Are you joking?

That's great.

How did he get you and Adrian Brody to be in a movie?

And Rodriguez, what's her name?

From

Inappropriate Comedy?

Yeah.

Yep.

2.7.

The ratings have gone up.

2.7 out of 10.

2.7 out of 10.

Yeah, who else is in it?

Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan.

Michelle Rodriguez, Brob School.

2013.

I think that was not...

Theo!

Theo made it?

Theo was in it.

Wow.

What?

I didn't know I'd done a movie with Theo.

Lindsay Lohan looks good again.

Yeah.

That was, I think, when when was she, when was she in love with the Turkish government?

Oh, I don't know.

Whenever she wants, she was like running nightclubs in Turkey and she developed a Turkish accent and she started repeating slogans of the Erdogan government.

She'd be like, there are clips of Lindsay Lohan going, the world is bigot than five.

She just picks up like Madonna's accent.

Yeah, but it's Turkish, so it's weird.

Look who he's wearing.

The kiki rode out today.

That's nice.

Who can say why the critics didn't get behind this particular film?

I think Paczinski might have been a writer on this.

I think she came in for one day to write.

Paczinski?

Christina.

Oh, yeah.

Christina P.

A lot of people for the to flop this.

If that had been the poster, I think at least the sales would have been.

I mean, when did...

No, I know.

Was she in it too?

She was a writer.

She might have been, she might have done a scene.

I remember workshopping a line with her trying to send Africans, black people back to Africa.

Like Liberia.

Yeah, we're like, get them on a boat, get them back.

I went, I watched videos of Liberia.

You know, that's why Liberia is.

Liberated.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And they just sent like black American people back there.

And I watched a video from there and their news thinking maybe they've still got the accent, right?

Like that, if they all sounded like they were in Harlem, which is where some of them would have come from.

No, they've got a full-blown weird African accent.

But I thought that would be sick, right?

Oh, yeah.

Sad, they've lost it.

Additional dialogue written by Christina Pazitski.

Wow.

Wow.

Well,

at least you've gotten a movie.

With Adrian Brody.

The scenery in New Zealand is.

That's what calls me.

Yeah.

The reason I have never been is because I don't want to go for three days.

I want to go for four months.

Yeah.

You know, as a comedian, you can really do it too.

It's in some ways better to tour New Zealand for comedy, even though they've only got like

four or five people.

There are more, I think I'm getting this right, there are more towns of more than 50,000 people in New Zealand.

It's like it's much more,

there's a lot more townships than like Australia is just five big cities.

Yeah.

Quite, people will be offended by this, but other than Wagga Wagga, quite barren in between.

Yeah.

In New Zealand, it's a lot of little townships and they really go out and do things.

So people who tour New Zealand, four or five, there's so many, there's so many more than that.

Even from Dunedin to Christchurch, there are

a bunch of places you could go I played a sixth city in in Australia last time well hold on I can guess Perth Adelaide Melbourne Sydney Brisbane that and then it gets hard now then where's the sixth city well it should be Canberra but

was it Canberra it was Canberra

weird place only town with blacks what yeah I didn't notice that well there's Aboriginal people I mean blacks blacks there's cool black guys in Canberra yeah and then I mean I've been up there but but not uh like not Darwin but like uh cans oh you you get to Cannes?

Yeah, Cantz is one that gets added on.

Yeah.

Every time I'm in Canberra, I want to commit suicide.

It's weird.

The mess comes in.

Yeah.

It's very.

It's the government town, so it's roundabouts, the lakes.

Yeah, a lot of cool fucking kangaroos, though, on hikes.

Big kangaroo, and there's shits everywhere on the oval.

You go for a run around with the rugby ball, and the boys, the Rathbun brothers on the oval.

Are there kangaroos in New Zealand?

No.

They don't have them.

They have no animals that can kill you.

Wait, kangaroos can kill you?

Yeah, I'll I'll

grab onto your shirt, and I'll fucking rip your guts open with you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

But in New Zealand,

so they have some like

big American game that's introduced in very quiet areas.

But basically, they don't have poisonous stuff.

They've got just like little birds everywhere.

And I think they have no mammals.

Someone could correct me.

No mammals?

Not even platypus.

No, no, no.

It's all us.

They didn't make it across the gap.

It's so safe out there.

I mean, the weather will get you and the rain, but people can just live in the forest and go off grid for a long time.

There's a man at the moment who's taken his kids.

This is a big story.

He had a split with his wife.

Do you know this one?

Yeah, I've heard about it.

Yeah, he's disappeared in the North Island with the kids.

They re-emerge periodically to rob a bank and get some money right by, so they're armed.

And the kids are now going through, they were young kids, and this was years ago.

And their mum will go on the news and be like, I just want my kids back.

And weirdly, a lot of people on the internet are on his side.

Like, you know, father's rights organizations and people who are like,

get him outside, get them some fresh air.

It's like, well, the rubber banks are.

The school system's just going to chop the dicks off and the tits off and give them all sorts of weird stuff.

Let them climb a hill.

There it is.

Years in the wild.

Years.

Small children, and they seem to be fine.

Damn.

Yeah, it just looks like those rolling hills looks just the best.

Obviously, psychological damage might be difficult.

Have you seen Hunt for the Wilder People?

No.

It's a great movie.

Look at that.

That's him with the big beard just walking on a regular street.

Bushman bank robber and children escape.

Yeah.

Wow.

There's a little town out there that the police will.

So the cops won't go in and find him with a big search because they're like, this guy's got a gun.

He's escaped into the woods with his kids.

We don't know what the fuck's going to happen.

Yeah, what are we going to do when we get him?

Look, he's got that big fucking alien head.

He's got a big dome.

I think that might be an unpleasant.

Yeah, but look at one to the left.

That might be almost the same thing.

Yeah, it's look, it's big.

He's not from here.

That's what happens.

You go bald.

You fucking say, fuck this whole system.

The The villains from the first ever episode of Star Trek.

Yeah, I want to get like a camper van and just like drive all around.

Yeah.

Many people do die on the road.

The roads are terrifying.

And this is a big thing they go.

Like, New Zealanders were like, I'm sick of these foreigners coming here and dying on our roads rather than having necessarily a huge amount of sympathy for it.

Great Ocean Road.

It's a conversation there.

Great Ocean Road is

safe.

You would go, we drive on the left here.

Every time you come in, like, we drive on the left here or right here, whatever it was.

I still, when I'm tired or a little hungover, I'd swing around the wrong side of the road and go, fuck.

No!

Almost Matthew Broderick, somebody.

Look at all these people driving the wrong.

Oh, it's me.

So what, um, what

I was going to say.

What are people, what's like something you recognize about New Zealand that's not like on there, pretty much like Lonely Planet?

I'd tell you my favorite story about something that people do.

In a town called Invercargill, which has tremendous oysters, it's the southernmost tip.

Or just about.

There's a little island up there.

There it is, Invercargill.

So I think my...

We've got some family and friends of family who might have spent some time either working in or being at that prison.

And so what the locals will do, this is the story in Invercargill, is there's a McDonald's next to the prison where they work out in the yard, just on the other side.

So people will go to the McDonald's, sit in the car park, sit on their, you know, the back of their truck.

eat their McDonald's while watching the prisoners.

And the prisoners can't eat the McDonald's.

Oh.

Isn't that beautiful?

Oh.

I thought you were going to say they chuck Big Macs over the fence for them.

I've never heard of someone doing that in a kind-hearted way to help.

But that is the version of the story I had heard.

Wow.

It's a tremendous country with, like, oh, I mean, the mountain, you get desensitized to how beautiful it is after a while.

Yeah, I bet.

But I had always thought, like, I've seen a lot of America now.

I've seen, like,

I think all the big regions, like Pacific Northwest and Denver and LA, and what.

And I just thought, in New Zealand, you go like, well,

you know this is great but this is the country next to my own country so the world probably has more beautiful things than this and we're just like and now the more of the world I see I go ah it was there it was uh they got it right I mean look look at it look at it it really is Habatan the whole of Lord of the Rings I think was shot there except for Mordor maybe Mordor was Auckland They got a great comedy club in Auckland called the Classic, which is built as so many good comedy clubs are over an abandoned porno theater.

Oh, really?

The dimensions of a Porno theater, map, porno, map very well to stand-up contours.

The mountains with that waterfall in the middle of it.

The blueness of the water.

Yeah.

It's just uncompromisingly blue.

Uncompromisingly blue.

So blue.

Damn.

So sweet and so blue.

Does it get warm at all or not even?

Does it get up to like the in like low 20s?

Up north, it gets quite tropical.

So you can see that's above Melbourne latitudinally.

Way up north above.

Yeah.

It gets to be around Sydney, way.

Yeah.

So it's, and you're always by the ocean.

If you're by the ocean, it's always always okay.

It's when you get very south and towards the middle, I think you have problems.

Yeah.

But Otago, Dunedin is one of the greatest.

I often think about retiring to Dunedin.

What about the music scene?

Great.

I don't know that it's even still ongoing as great now, but historically, it's been very good because they've got students.

That's one of the best universities in New Zealand.

So people go there and then they leave afterwards.

But they also, I mean, you'll sometimes meet a New Zealander with a big burn on them who went to Dunedin and studied there.

Because their big joy is couch burning.

You set a couch on fire, a sofa, and then you jump over it.

And this is a big, oh, you'll find that without any trouble.

What?

Dunedin couch burning.

That's like what students will do.

They have a name for them.

They call them, I'm forgetting what they call them.

Then you jump over them.

Scarfies.

Scarfies.

I call them Scarfies.

And you jump over the couch.

You just all gather around and watch that big couch on fire.

I don't know if you have to jump over the couch or that's one guy I met, but certainly.

And, you know, they're trying to crack down on the couch burning.

Why?

It's I saw.

Man, they used to.

And these

houses, it's covered in these student houses, which are just

dives, real dives, some of them.

Hey, Steelers fans.

This is your team.

Steelers Nation.

In New Zealand.

And he's wearing a Rangers shirt.

They also love rugby.

They do?

They love rugby union.

And Australia used to love rugby, and then New Zealand got too good at it.

So we,

as a country, just about 15 years ago, we said, we don't give a fuck about rugby anymore.

What do they play?

The Nines?

Is that different?

Is that something else?

The Nines, I think in the Olympics they play sevens?

New Zealand has like a...

The Maoris are the best ones.

Go on.

Of what category?

And in what?

Of like in rugby.

Oh,

they dominate.

Big boys.

And they have a problem with

female school teachers sexualizing them.

Because if you see them out there, the 14-year-old.

you know, if you look up the high school, New Zealand football, this is a big thing, the high school game, or like the top high schools will play each other.

And you look at some of those Maori boys and the calves are.

And sometimes you'll just hear them talk about that.

Like, it's, oh, look at his calves.

Nice.

And you go, he's 14, madam.

Yeah, but his dick's fucking 20.

Yeah.

Look at that.

That's a man.

That is a man.

No pads, no helmets, a little wrapper underneath.

Look at Jesus, dude.

Look at that red head.

Who can say why the perverted New Zealand women are flocking to watch these boys?

Look at the little shorts getting.

Is that their national sport?

Is that what they all go for?

They love it.

And they were so good at it, we had to stop paying attention.

Really?

We're like, oh, we're done with it.

But they still do.

We're going to have a sport on rugby.

Also, that's rugby league, which is the...

So rugby union was amateur until like the early 90s.

And this was a big that you didn't accept money for it, and they didn't change the rules to be good for television or whatever.

We're keeping it pure.

And rugby, around, I don't know, 100 years before then,

some of them broke off and said, fuck it, we want to be paid, we're going to professionalize this sport.

And so it's a much, it's considered to be a much dumber game.

What?

Rugby, the paid one.

Okay.

But now rugby union is paid as well.

So it's like, it doesn't have quite the same,

you know, spiritual heart.

Yeah.

But they love that game.

Madman's Chess.

They just love getting out there and they're scrum.

It's so fucking rough.

Yeah.

It's just like so many bangs.

Some colleges play it here.

Really?

Yeah, like

it's...

Man, it's...

Yeah, they also play Quidditch.

College kids are dumb.

I think the cooler ones are playing rugby.

The richest one.

Yeah, probably.

And it's taken off in

South America, Argentina.

The West Indies is all like.

The West Indies, I mean, are really good.

They'll have cricket as well.

They do have cricket as well.

Slowly, baseball is starting to dominate the West Indies because their style of cricket was very, just like hit it very far, be very muscular, throw fast, bowl fast.

Well,

what's the West Indies?

Is that like Dominican Republic?

Jamaica, that would be.

I don't know if the Dominican Republic makes it.

I don't think Haiti gets to be in there.

But this whole Trinidad and Tobago, there's like eight, all those eight little countries that should all be one beautiful state of America.

But then Venezuela is right off Trinidad, and they're great at baseball.

I mean, I wonder why.

I think some of them were British-owned, and that would have helped.

They introduced the sport.

Yeah, and the Spaniards would never have pushed cricket on anybody.

DR is huge in baseball.

Mexico's okay.

Are the Haitians good?

No.

Really?

I don't think so, but Venezuelans and DR people for sure.

You would think at some point they'd be able to challenge America.

Like, Japan has so many people.

They beat America.

They never get the gold at the Olympics.

One day, someone's going to take...

I mean,

has baseball ever been lost by America?

I think three players in Japan got like B-pluses and they had to kill themselves.

It's very sad.

Yeah.

They had to go after that forest anyway.

Yeah, do it with honor.

I've never been to Japan, but obviously New Zealand doesn't love suicide as much as Japan.

Japan takes it to a whole nother level.

But they talk about it.

Japan does it right.

They also have the best beer that I've seen.

What do they got?

What's their beer?

Spates.

Spates?

Spates.

It's the Southern Man beer.

It's like sort of a working-class beer in the South Island out of Dunedin.

And

it's great.

I had it at my wedding.

I got it flown over.

It's very hard to get because beer doesn't travel

well at all.

No, you can.

Almost all imported beer is made under license in a new place.

It's like Japanese beer is not being made here.

Wine travels great.

Beer doesn't travel.

So you have to go to a place to really have the beer.

I've got to try to get some buckfast over here.

It's a buck fast.

What's buckfast?

I don't know.

It's Scottish, like the best thing in Scotland.

All right.

It's fortified wine with caffeine in it.

Oh.

It's made by monks.

They also have it in Ireland a little bit, but oh, in kneecap, they're just drinking Buckfast all the time.

I know there was cocaine

that you can't get anymore.

It's so good.

But you can't get it here.

I want to be able to get a case.

How do you get a case sent over?

They won't send it over?

Yeah, it's like sort of illegal.

Put it in a bag.

Buckfast, bro.

That's

lovely.

How the fuck do I get that over here?

How the fuck do I get it over here?

Oh, I want that fucking shirt, too.

Damn, that's cool.

You've traveled.

You've seen a lot of the world.

American beer is mocked

by everybody else.

Is mocked.

Yeah.

People say it's no good.

Do you find it...

What are we talking about?

Just like a nice, enjoyable...

What kind of beer are we talking about?

Like a Yingling is, as a sophisticated beer goes, is fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

But Yingling's not really...

Sam's better than that.

Okay.

But like the Budweiser, the Czech beer, way better

than

Budweiser.

Budweiser is a good idea.

There's a different Czech beer called Budweiser.

Budweiser?

Yeah, and it's like a legit beer.

You know, every Budweiser.

We make ours cold because it tastes like shit.

Yeah.

And

we have cold ones as well, and the English make fun of us for it.

I remember a guy going, whoa, would you like some of your flavorless Australian cold beer?

Fuck off.

And they drink warm slop.

I guess everyone loves the beer that they

have.

Guinness?

Overrated.

No.

Yeah.

No, Guinness is.

Yeah, it's overrated.

It's rated, really high.

It's overrated.

It's great.

It's made by drunks who beat their wives for fucking sport.

So are many great things.

Yeah.

They can't see the sun.

They're allergic to the sun.

So if we disqualify every great invention from someone who beats their wife, we're going to have to give up on so much.

Twilight was originally shot in Ireland.

I believe that.

Yeah, they were like, we need even paler people.

Mad Max, the most recent one, was not shot in Australia.

Where was it shot?

It was shot in South Africa because it rained where they were going to film it.

And for the first time in like 10 years, they went, fuck, it's very green.

All right.

Everybody get on the plane.

We're going to South Africa.

What else is there to do in New Zealand?

What are we missing about New Zealand?

What's cool?

What have you done?

What have you done?

Great museums.

Fights?

Are there fights?

People fight at bars?

I didn't see heaps of fights.

Okay.

Hold on.

Great museums.

Great.

They've really poured money into museums.

They know that, like, so COVID, they really suffered financially.

But they locked the doors, right?

They totally locked the doors.

And they all got, and they were the last ones.

It's funny because we were locked up way later than America and everybody else, in Australia.

Yeah.

But then New Zealand took an extra couple months past us.

And then we got some fun of going like, they're going crazy in New Zealand.

even though we'd been crazy for 90% of the time with them we just did that little bit at the end we got to go what are they doing oh yeah well Melbourne was the was the best it was the longest I fled that I don't know if we've spoken about that Cody said he couldn't only because he had a radio job he said let me I show you I can work in a different zip code otherwise you couldn't go no

I ran when they announced the big lockdown we had an apartment in Melbourne and we knew that we could get back into South Australia so it was two weeks lockdown in Adelaide if you were coming in or they were doing a full statewide six weeks in Melbourne so we got in in the car, we drove all night.

People would not let us stay at hotels along the way because they're like, if you're coming from Melbourne, we think you're going to come from Melbourne.

Yeah, you got it.

There's one case at this point or something.

It's tiny.

And we drove all night and then we just moved to, and we had to send movers to get all that stuff.

And it was weird because we hadn't been there for months.

We kept paying rent at this house for months.

And we got the like the bed spread back.

The sheet, the cover sheet, it had like a stain from the window because light had been hitting the same point on the mattress.

So you could see the shadow of our window at home on the mattress.

Excuse me.

It was a strange time.

They got so locked up.

It was nice.

Do you remember the security guard guy in Melbourne?

Narrow it down.

So they had to

stay at a hotel for however many weeks, two weeks, quarantine, and then you get out and you have to lock yourself in your room.

They put food by your door.

Yeah.

Open the door, get your food.

That's it.

That was it.

Yeah.

Oh, now the security guy with the sensual transmission.

Yeah, fucked one of them.

Yeah.

And then the massive outbreak in Melbourne because he got it and spread it.

They were blaming all sorts of.

I remember the Prime Minister, the Premier, started to blame.

He wouldn't say it's like Italians are breaking the rules or like Arabs are breaking the rules.

He's like, big families in the northern suburbs are continuing to get together.

But it was really cagey language.

But New Zealand, man, it's just, I miss it all.

I love it when I'm there.

It's so beautiful.

I would love to be able to do comedy there.

I've never managed to do a headline show there.

I might be popular enough now to get a show away.

What's their food?

Is it lamb?

They have some lamb.

Australia goes crazy for lamb as well.

It's like, again, it's just like an assortment of.

Do they not have New Zealand-dish food?

I'm not talking about like the funny thing to get.

No, genuinely, that's.

Pavlova is more Australian.

They dispute that.

There's a big Australian

Australian.

We say that, yeah.

Pavlov's made in Australia.

That's what we...

They say something different.

We have different origin stories.

It's made in Australia.

Very different origin stories.

It was named after the Russian ballerina, Anna Pavlova, because they made her a cake when she was visiting wherever the fucking camera.

Yeah, but the Kiwis say we did that first.

And someone else just named it Pavlova.

Yeah.

That's very...

Here's a weird.

Okay, in the south island.

Kiwi burger.

This is a lot of oak.

Manuka honey.

That's it.

Manuka honey.

Manuka honey is them.

That $500 honey that will make you feel slightly better.

You can drive through the fields.

It is beautiful.

They had a big Chinese immigration to dig gold out of the ground.

That's why Dunedin became a big town.

And then the Chinese stuck around.

And so all their fish and and chip shops uh it's weird it's nowhere else in the world have i seen this that they'll do because they love fish and chips fosh and chops is a big kiwi thing they said like that

well got some fosh and chops that's we all make fun of them for saying weird but uh you go to it like a fish and chip shop and it's always just about they call it a take takeout or takeaway shop it's a chinese restaurant as well so you've got fish and chips and Chinese food in the same very strange building.

They have odd lace curtains and all the students will just go and get like Chinese and chips.

Just duck under and be like, come power.

It's like, it's just in the, it's like 1960s Irish doily style window stuff.

It's great.

Oh, I miss it.

Yeah, I kind of want to go.

I kind of like really want to go for a long time.

Is there like.

It's worth doing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I hope I've sold it.

I mean, they're very...

They seem...

They have more of their own culture than Australia does.

They do.

Yeah, like it's again, it's four million people, and they're watching their own TV shows.

We're not watching our own TV shows.

So, like,

I know that some American comedians will come out and they'll play like big rooms in Australia, and then they go to New Zealand and go, what is happening?

This is a city of this many people.

They should be.

They just don't know.

They're like more.

Culturally.

They love who they are.

They love their own thing.

So if you could go over there and get on a show called Seven Days, which is a great show, you'd move tickets.

You'd be fine.

Is it expensive, New Zealand?

Day to day?

Yeah, compared to America.

Australia?

Yeah, compared to America?

Some things are more expensive compared to Australia.

Like,

getting nice juice was, when I first went there, impossible.

You couldn't find it.

It was all like weird, concentrated stuff because they don't have as many fruit trees.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So I found that weird.

But then something, like, alcohol is way cheaper.

It's still so far away from...

from Australia, even though it looks like it's right.

It's a good four-hour flight.

I mean, it's like, it's like.

That's a small one for us.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's roughly Scotland,

Ireland, and Amsterdam.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ah, but Air New Zealand is a great airline.

You get the sky couch over there.

They give you a funny sandwich that's like pasta sauce in bread.

What?

That's what they'll do.

They'll go like, it's a special pasta sauce sandwich.

And they're like, oh, have some neighborhood.

That's what I mean.

It's like student food, but they're like smashing together and going, ooh.

It's a bread roll with beautiful pasta sauce.

Lovely.

They have a sense of humor.

They also have great...

Their comedians are currently taking over Australia.

So all the spots that the Aussies thought would finally be theirs when the older Aussies shuffled on are going straight to the Kiwis.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah, Guy.

Do the chicks fuck there?

Guy Montgomery.

Well, I didn't fall.

I mean, obviously my wife when we fell in.

But

yes, my understanding is there would be a loosey-goosey element for sure.

Nice.

I don't want to.

They would say liberated, perhaps.

Who else?

Ray?

Ray O'Leary is from there.

David Koraos is great.

They all go on Taskmaster.

Who are these people?

These are like increasingly the big comedians in Australia.

And they're taken over from New Zealand.

And then all the Australians have had to come here.

I want it to be big in Australia.

This is a backup plan.

It's making it in America.

I just wanted to

go on Q ⁇ A and riff with Tony Jones, but I wasn't allowed to do it.

It wouldn't have meant anything here.

It means nothing to me.

One day.

Tony Jones.

Yeah, he used to host the talk program where they talk about the big issues of the day.

day and sometimes they have like they have like three politicians an academic and a comedian and they're like what are we gonna do about this and everyone's oh and then the comedian will go like oh can't we all just figure something out together?

That's what Jim Jeffries is at his is the balancing he also he didn't make it in it.

He made it elsewhere first and then went back triumphant.

We had our own.

In New Zealand, they love their own and they treasure their own.

They don't have a cultural cringe.

They go, he's a fucking kiwi.

He's ours.

We love him.

In Australia we go well if the rest of the world doesn't like him why should we?

Where Canada and Australia both have that Like, we don't fucking like you.

And then when you make it pick somewhere else, it's like, no, we love you.

We always.

GSB got big after, like, he was big in the UFC.

And they're like, no, no, we love him now.

But only now.

Tied to Ivasa.

Now that he's, you know, oh, he's doing the shoey.

He's one of us.

This is great.

It did take international recognition, I do believe.

Yeah.

Local fighting leagues, unfairly, not given the same respect.

Oh, it's also, man,

I drove across the Swiss Alps the last time I was there because I got...

So from Grey Mountain, just here, Grey Mountain.

South Alps, yeah.

It's not that that long, yeah.

The Southern Alps, sorry.

How long does it take to drive across?

It took four hours.

That's not bad.

I had a flight,

it was the most beautiful drive I've ever had.

Damn, nice.

There are weird flies that will bite you and you'll bleed.

Sugars.

I came straight from that.

I don't, it's called something.

I don't know if that's a term you're allowed to say.

No, I mean, that's what they're calling in Scotland.

It does sound pretty back coming out of my mouth, but you got a hard hard R is a problem.

I came to Shane's house,

and I had that on my leg, and I bled on the day I got back.

So I was to the airport.

My flight got cancelled, and then I had to be driven by sweet Andrew into your fucking bed.

All the way across the country.

And then I just bled all over Shane's bed when I got there.

And

people thought

I was staying in like a guest room at that house.

Sorry, one of the many beds that Shane owns.

And people were like, I thought a period.

Fishy, fishy.

What, that he has more than one bed?

How many beds have you got?

I got one, but

he's got a lot of mouths to feed.

He had to have a lot of people staying at that house.

Yeah.

I would just squat.

Oh.

Man, it's so.

Ah!

They had a group of people called the Moriori.

This is one of the things they're most conflicted about.

And they spoke a different language.

And they maybe were a different race, but probably were like Maori people who were just separated for a long time on the Chatham Islands, which is out here.

So it's a fair distance.

Excuse me.

And when the Maori made some sort of peace with the white fella turning up, they took their guns and they went over and they ate them, you know?

And the Moriori were pacifists, so they all get together on the beach and they go, are we going to fight back, you know, or are we going to stay true to our ways of the pacifism?

And they said, we're going to be pacifists.

And then they just disappeared.

There's no tiny number of them.

They just slaughtered them.

But this is then like culturally a difficult thing for the New Zealanders to get their head around because for a long time it was usually like, well, you Maoris are just like us.

You know, we did a little genocide on you.

You did a genocide over there.

We're all conquesting people.

And now this is an uncomfortable narrative for the

Maoris.

For everybody.

No one's happy with it.

Yeah, no one likes to be like, but you too, like, damn it.

Yeah, I guess so.

I've watched some videos trying to find an argument that, and the best people can do is like, well, a white guy sailed the boat to get him over there.

So everyone's complicit.

That's the best you can do.

It doesn't sound like it was a good thing.

Yeah.

Oh, I got to look into them.

Fascinating people.

They think there might have been a group there before the Maoris got there.

The Maoris got there.

So the Aboriginals have been in Australia for like 100,000, whatever.

It used to be 40,000, it was 60,000 now.

It's 100.

They just keep going back.

New Zealand, I think it was like 1,600.

That's what?

They've been there for like.

And who was there before?

No record of anyone.

So in some Maori legends, there are like white-skinned people who were there before?

Yeah.

No way.

Who knows?

It's a mystery.

And there are like some people who are in the city.

I would come to hear from

chinese had weird explorations in the 1600s as well it's a mystery

also new zealand like is dominant in this region like australia is surrounded as well by the polynesian countries but they all look to like new zealand is running that is running all this all like that they all have close ties to fiji sorry so to new zealand fiji um

cook islands like that also they have no nuclear weapons and And if you have a nuclear sub, you're not allowed to dock in their port.

New Zealand?

Yeah, they're very upset about it.

They take a big stand.

They're like a big green country, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They love to be green.

I mean, that's it.

They've got no trains, so you've got to drive everywhere on there.

It's 4 million people.

It's a country the size of Japan, and they cannot keep up with the infrastructure.

So if you watch their news, it's like we don't know how to afford hospitals to all these remote places.

But they should have.

It's so beautiful.

How many in Japan?

Way, way more.

I think it's like 300 million.

No, it'll be 120-something million.

Wow.

It's the same size.

And it's like, that's the size of Melbourne, spread out all over New Zealand.

Wow.

124 million.

Man,

that's pretty close.

You can notice that birth rate, though, is

they're having trouble.

What do you mean?

They just will not have children.

Look at that.

It's just been steady since the 90s.

No.

We don't need any.

They need it.

What?

It's life.

It's vitality.

1.26 births per woman.

That's.

But how many orgasms per woman, right?

Zero.

They scream.

They're all blurry pussies.

What's the blurry pussy?

We all know that they scream.

Yeah.

This must have been a wife.

Have you seen Lost in Translation?

Yeah.

She comes and she's like, lip my stocking.

Lip my stocking.

And she starts screaming at him.

And he doesn't know what's happening.

She's like trying to have sex with him.

But then as soon as he touches her, she's like, no.

No.

It's the way you show love.

Look at the the United States dropping to almost Japanese levels.

I mean, that's, you know, I mean, you've got a lot of Hispanics lifting that up.

The white birth rate.

Two keeps things even?

Nothing.

2.1.

Two births per woman keeps things even.

Because you lose it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They go to ISIS.

That's nuts that America's down at 1.6.

Yeah, it's because they fucking made homos out of all of us.

Everyone's afraid to touch a woman without her consent.

Wait, what?

I was saying about the turning you into homo.

Good birth rate.

Okay.

Replacement level.

I want that done by race.

I think it's going to be extremely different.

Yeah.

What's a good birth rate?

I bet they don't release that statistic.

For

under wraps, yeah.

Here we go.

Hispanic, obviously, is going to lead number one.

1,000 per birth.

All right, so 63 per thousand.

That's, I don't know.

Asians, 400 per thousand.

Wow.

Wait, how are they?

I think people 55.

I think women are the second.

Oh.

This is not the same number, though.

I want that age.

That's not the same number.

I want it out of like two to three or four.

Yeah, make it a comprehensive.

I think the Amish are like 14.

Really?

Big.

They're leaving.

But they just leave.

But they leave a lot.

Would they leave their...

They go to the Rum Springer and they don't come back.

I don't think they go.

So they lose them.

It's because per woman.

So women are not going on Rum Springer and having 14 kids.

No, they have 14 kids, but four of those kids just take off and go off entering society.

Have we got the Amish one?

Yeah, it's not really given the same number.

Oh, they breed.

Ooh, God bless them.

I love them.

It's good.

We need more Amish.

Amish is the future of this country.

Orthodox Jews versus the liberal Jews in Israel.

Hugely different.

Orthodox have the baby.

The ultra-Orthodox, they have it.

They be breeding.

Wow.

Crown Heights is

just

shifting.

Why minority?

Why ethnic.

Interesting.

Whites 1.8.

Hispanic 2.4.

Black 2.1.

Asian 1.8.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, Hispanics taking over.

Migusta.

All right.

Where else do you want to go in the world?

What's calling you?

Any place?

Where do you want to go next?

Where do I like to go next?

Man, I think about it all the time.

Yeah.

I want to go.

I'm in Kyrgyzstan.

I want to go to Kyrgyzstan.

It looks so beautiful.

Turkestan.

Turkestan.

KYI Kyrgy Kyrgyz.

I want to go to Kywai Kyrgyzstan.

I read a lot about it on Wikipedia.

I've got a bit in the special about it.

What's the name of the special again?

Special is called Hey America.

Hey, America.

Right now on the Matt and Shane Secret Podcast YouTube channel.

Hey America.

I said it earlier.

Did you?

Great.

Well, yeah, for like a good two minutes I spent on it.

I appreciate it.

Was I not in the room for that party?

You were not in the room for that.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

I mean, I want to go to, in the next month, I want to go to the James McCann has been called the best comic in Adelaide history.

No, I can't even, I can't even close it.

Who else is from there?

Man, Sean McAuliffe is great.

Christy McAuliffe?

Probably the best McAuliffe.

No, Sean McAuliffe is a great unsung hero.

Sean McAuliffe is

the greatest living Australian comedian.

It must be given to him.

What about Damian

Power?

I love Damian Power.

He's from Brisbane.

I still think Sean McAuliffe has...

Sean McAuliffe.

Sean McCullough is great.

Not a standard.

I ever worked with him?

He's not a stand-up.

No.

He's not a stand-up.

There he is.

Top left.

He's great.

Best Australian comedian.

Damn.

Fultron.

Sweet Sean.

No, no, no.

That one.

Where?

That's Matt Fultron.

I don't know him.

Sean McCullough.

It's close.

That's not even Sean McCullough.

Best Australian comedian of all time.

Spent a lot of time in South Australia

in the hills in Strathalbourne.

Do you know Barry Humphreys?

He did Dame Edna.

That was his big character.

He would dress up like a lady in the 60s and 70s.

It was fun.

Look at that.

Briefly had a run on Allie McBeal playing The Aunt.

He died.

Did not make it in a metal.

Went on Conan.

People did not understand what the fuck was happening.

Even on Conan.

If he was on Leno, people might have said things on fire in rejection.

But even on Conan, they didn't get sweet Day Midna.

Said some anti-trans stuff.

And then, like, all the comedy awards were named after Barry Humphries.

The Barry was the award you won.

And they changed it under pressure from the left-wing faction.

Because he was.

That's one of the best.

Housewife gets famous.

And then the character, she's just like saying nasty things to everybody.

One of the best crowds.

When you're in a theater and there's people sitting up top,

he'd come out as Dame Medna and go, like,

you know, like, you know, thank you all for coming.

And thank you to the people up there in the cheap seats.

I will cast a glance in your direction in proportion to the amount that you've paid for tickets.

And then they start clapping.

She goes, don't clap.

Hold on with one hand to the seat.

It's a wall of death up there.

I mean, this is great stuff in Australia.

This is funny gear.

All right.

Where are you going next?

That's the last thing I say.

Go to New Zealand.

Check out New Zealand.

Yeah, I definitely want to.

I just need time.

You can go to there are at least a month.

I guess it's a little bit.

I think it's a stinky town called Rotorua with hot springs that smell of bad eggs.

Ooh, nice.

Right, once you get used to the stink, it's beautiful.

Nice.

I'm always used to it.

Queenstown is the ski resort.

It's so lovely.

That's like a short drive across the country from Dunedin.

It's so nice.

Dunedin is the one that I would say.

Dunedin has a very special place in my heart.

I love Dunedin.

You about what?

I just love it.

I'm sorry.

Do you have any any travel tips in general?

Or for New Zealand?

Bring.

Yeah.

Can we New Zealand or just in general?

Things are.

I don't travel enough in general.

Travel light.

No.

All carry-on.

Travel light.

I go all carry-on.

I don't trust the bag.

All carry-on.

All carry-on.

You've been burned once, you're done.

I'm finished.

You're like, where's my bag?

It's like, no, I'm not doing it.

I know where my bag is.

It's under the fucking seat in front of me.

One travel tip, though, in Australia, if you have carry-on, they are nasty about it in a way they're not in America.

You can have any weight on your carry-on in America, and no one gives a fuck.

No one weighs.

In Australia, they weigh your bag before you get on the plane to try and get a little extra money out of you.

One time, I didn't have my card on me, so I couldn't pay it.

And I had to, before getting on the plane,

throw out a pair of jeans and a laptop bag because otherwise they wouldn't let me on.

And they wouldn't let someone else have it in their bag to balance it out because a lot of people would be.

Like, no, no, we see what you're doing.

I had to force jeans into a tiny trash can before getting on the plane.

And I thought, I just thought that was the way everywhere in the world are these airlines.

In America, they don't do it.

Sweet, free, beautiful America.

I love you.

More of that, please.

All right.

Thank you for having me on.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Wait, what's the special guy?

Hey, America.

Hey, America by James P.

McCann.

No.

The P stands for P.

It's for Peace.

James Donald Foles McCann.

Out now.

I'm not doing a lot of press.

I've got to line a lot of press up.

I'm going to be asking you about helping me on other podcasts, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's out now.

Peace from the middle.

Matt Machine Secret Podcast Network, and you're fucking hilarious.

It's out on Sunday.

Is this not coming out?

I appreciate that.

You're great.

No, you're way, way, way scheduled ahead.

All right, that's great.

It's already been out for a month.

That's fine.

The algorithm can't help me.

That's why I was like, slow down.

That's all I was just worshiping.

I'm glad to see that Jew finally, I think it cracked 6 million.

It did crack 6 million.

So now all those

souls came back to life.

That was my second day in America.

I got these shoes.

We did Matt and Shane together.

I was very hungover.

I'd gone out with all the Philly boys and gotten drunk.

And I was on that couch.

Yeah, I remember.

Who's this quiet boy?

I'm not usually that quiet, but I was.

You're just like.

I was having a really overwhelming cultural time.

He's new to America and New York.

I'd only seen.

Queens.

Yeah.

A sweet Astoria.

Yeah.

Astoria is fine.

Astoria is Melbourne.

I'm sorry.

We got to go.

I don't want to keep going.

Astoria is Melbourne.

But it was very nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was cool.

And thank you for having me here.

You're welcome.

Bye, everybody.

Until next week, when

I know who's going to be on next week, who are you getting

Adam Rowe?

Lovely.

Yeah.

Wait, wasn't he already here?

Didn't he leave?

I already recorded it.

Nice.

These aren't in chronological order.

All right, everybody.

By the way, if you're on mushrooms and seeing me and seeing this,

it's probably going to be pretty fucking trippy for you.

I'm going to do this.

Does that help it?

Let's get a coffee.

Thank you, Jeff McCann, for coming in.

Telling us about New Zealand.

Check out his special, everybody, Black Israel Light.

He's neither of those.

But it's at, you can check out his tour dates, www.jdfmcann.com for all his tour dates.

His Instagram, JDF McCann.

But check out his special on youtube.com/slash at James Donald Forbes McCann, M-C-C-A-N-N.

Let me see his dates again.

Let me whip them.

Coming up.

St.

Louis, Omaha, Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Oklahoma City, and Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Go check him out.

He's a hilarious comic.

Pretty much this is, you guys.

When I recommend a comedian,

I'm definitely going to give clues when I don't think they're that funny, but I probably want to have them on but when i recommend a comedian it's any level of of different like um this is like one of the top people in the world you know like like you can hear me saying it and i'll i'll like

not spew over them but i'll like um

not jizz over them what is it when you're like i don't know can i be mushy sort of whatever the word is um but what i'm telling you is and i'm taking out like i'm talking about the top three or four comics in the world when i say like hey one of them are on it's like crazy but there's there's this other range of comics, which I'm in, which is just a really good comic.

And when I'm telling you about them, what I mean is if you go there, if you're in Tulsa or Oklahoma City and you're like, hmm, should I take a chance this weekend on this comic, J.F.

McCann, JDF McCann?

The answer is yes.

The answer is this guy and all these guys that I'm talking about are going to give you just a great date night out or a night out with your friends.

It's going to be hilarious.

You're going to have real belly laughs, leave your woes at the door for an hour and a half and have a blast.

Maybe not have a blast in the local opener he might not be that great but then once jeff comes on everything's washed out and it'll be amazing so

what james why i say jeff mccann who's jeff mccann what you said it a couple i said it a couple times interesting yeah you're right james mccann jeff

i just call him mccann

and i always see james donald forbes mccann his instagram is also pretty funny um what is that town outside Adelaide?

That's a German town.

Hey, Siri, what's that German town outside Adelaide?

Come on.

Come on.

Handorf is a small town in the Adelaide hills, 30 minutes' drive from the city center.

It is Australia's oldest surviving German settlement and still has a strong German flavor.

This answer is from Josie Understreet.

Come on, come on.

I don't need annotations.

Yeah, I went there on the Great Ocean Road from Elburn all the way up, and then you stop in Hansdorf and go in.

It was great.

But go check out James's special right now.

Black Israelite.

He is the better of the two McCanns, Jeff and JD.

He's great.

Check him out.

Follow me on YouTube, on Instagram, at Ari Shafir.

On YouTube at Ari Shafir.

I have a special out too.

But check his out, guys, and leave him a comment.

Let him know that I sent you.

If you have any

nominations for trippies, please leave it in the comments.

We'll be following them.

Best meals, worst move,

most adventurous, least adventurous, best pictures,

or any other category that I don't know about, that I'm not thinking about.

Biggest piece of shit.

Last year, Colin Tyrrell got it.

What's this one?

Last year.

Trippy Word.

Shane Gillis, dumbest move.

Haman overdose in Spain.

Yeah, that's it.

Guys, I appreciate your support.

Please continue to to subscribe and tell your friends about it.

And next week is Jordan Jensen going to Ecuador, back to Ecuador, my favorite places in the world, where she was whisked into working illegally on a farm for cheap white labor.

Until next week, everybody.

Whatever they say in Australia, New Zealand.

Or I'll do a New Zealand slash Australia accent because no one can tell the Devils except them.

Boy, Bob!

Got a boxer!

Legitimately, everyone from there sounds like they got punched punched in the face and buried in mud.

And that's James McCann, Black Israelite, on YouTube now.

See you over there.