China w/ Joe DeRosa | You Be Trippin' with Ari Shaffir

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It's not an official Starbucks.

Does that have to be like off-camera or anything?

Because

advertising rules or anything like that?

Well, they stole all these fucking custom Starbucks.

You're good.

Is it even Starbucks called?

Sorry.

No.

So

you can't have we proudly serve Starbucks.

It's just like

excuse me, sorry.

Well, we proudly serve it to our guests.

It's better than Starbucks.

It's Nespresso, though.

It's not Nespresso.

No, Nespresso.

Oh.

The machine.

Starbucks can sue you.

As someone who's very litigious in their

race?

Race, yeah.

We can have them get you a new cup if you prefer.

No, I was just like worried about your guys' liability.

Oh, they have Starbucks on the show all the time.

Oh,

don't feed into his madness.

I pissed into a Starbucks cup on Kill Tony, filled it up, and then I pissed into a half a white claw, and then filled that up.

And they didn't sue you for that?

No, because it was Starbucks and it was White Claw.

Because you bought the cup.

Yeah.

For the proper channels.

Hello, everybody.

Welcome to you be trippin'.

It's a travel podcast.

I'm the host, Ari Shafir.

I've been to a lot of places, but I really love hearing about other people and their trips.

It's the only podcast that has every pronoun available on its bio.

My guest today is none other than a sandwich shop owner and a notable

hermaphrodite lover,

Joe DeRosa.

Hey, man.

Oh.

We never get claps.

Oh.

I do my shit in New York.

Well, no, there's nobody there, right?

It's just you and I.

Yeah, but now I'm missing.

Maybe I'll fly you guys in for claps.

Yeah, do a live feed just for the claps.

Yeah.

I'm never finally doing this.

We've been trying for a little while at least.

Yeah, where do you want to go?

Where are we going?

China.

China.

I was going to say Tokyo, but you're like, no, bro.

China is my way better story.

Yeah, China, there was a lot more going on.

I was in Tokyo.

Tokyo is awesome, and it's the place I most want to go back to, but it was because I was only there for a short period of time.

Yeah.

And so I had a couple of amazing meals, and I went to the video game district, which was like a dream come true.

But I just didn't have time to like,

it's so big, dude.

Tokyo.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

The city is the size of like, like, when I was there, they were like, you could be here for a month, you're not going to see all of it.

Damn.

That's like New York.

It was

different.

Well, New York is like

New York actually isn't that big.

It's just super concentrated.

Whereas Tokyo is like, as far as I know, is like a sprawling city, dude.

It was crazy how overwhelming it was.

But, you know.

Yep, story checks out.

Do you have in there the square mileage of Tokyo?

I'm curious now.

Because New York is only, what, six miles long?

Well, I guess then there's all the boroughs.

But Manhattan is, what, 10 or 6 miles long or something?

287 square miles.

Oh.

Look at that.

847 square miles.

Damn.

It's huge, dude.

It's huge.

But we're not talking about Tokyo today.

No, but I'm just saying.

That's why I don't have a great story.

All right, next episode episode we'll talk about.

I didn't have time.

Hopefully, I'll be back by then.

When did you go to China and why?

I went two times.

I went

when I was about three years into comedy.

So in 2004 or five or something.

Both times for gigs.

And then I went again in 2018, like right?

I'd dodging a bullet, dude.

I was there right now.

Just sneezing on people.

Yeah, like right before COVID.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That shit changed.

And by the way, it was late 2018.

It was like September or 2018.

Wow.

So both times for gigs.

Both times for gigs.

Beijing one time, Shanghai, both times.

It's wild that Stanford could bring you to China.

It is.

Yeah.

Outside of Hong Kong, also.

Wuxi.

I forget the name of the province I was in, but

it was right outside of Hong Kong.

But anyway, yeah, it is crazy.

It's crazy.

So

it's, first of all, it's crazy that they have stand-up there, period.

Because,

dude, it's government monitored.

I mean, it is not.

So I was on stage one night, and I had a joke at the time about

cocaine.

Coke's the only drug that can make you go, I'm just a drug.

I'm going to throw up.

Oh, my God.

Are we drinking?

What are we doing?

What are we, you know, whatever.

It's Coke jar.

and dude, like during the joke, the audience was like going, literally, like, multiple people were going like this.

And I was like, what?

What?

And they were like, dude, don't, don't.

You could, don't.

You could get.

And I was like, I'm going to finish the joke.

We're good, right?

Nobody's here, right?

They're like,

somebody's there.

They told me there's a spy in almost every show.

You just assume there's a spy.

So, yeah.

And after I left, I found out that

all the shows I did were in makeshift venues.

It was like, oh, it's a sports bar, but we're going to turn it into a comedy room for the door.

Yeah, that kind of shit.

There was one actual comedy club I did in Shanghai, and that has since been shut down by the government.

I don't know when or who got it shut down, but it did.

Did it Kung Fu?

Kung Fu comedy?

I don't think it was a...

No, it was a different group of guys.

I can't remember the name.

Even if you said it, I don't know.

Yeah, I did that club.

It was like my favorite show of the whole year.

really, yeah.

It was so fun, and they're so down for anything like Western,

yeah,

yeah, yeah, because it's like everybody in the show is either from the West originally or somebody from there that desperately loves the West, yeah,

you know, I met so many Chinese people that were like,

Oh, Trump, we love Trump, but

they're so just like America, like whatever's going on, we're into it.

I met met somebody

on the little slalom thing down from Beijing, and he's like, oh, maybe somewhere else.

But he goes,

where are you from?

And I was like, America goes, Schwartzanaga.

Oh, well, he's not even America.

Okay, sure.

That's amazing.

That's amazing.

Ah, Jackie Chan.

You're like, yeah, well,

you guys are us, but sure.

Yeah, that's.

He looks like us.

And you're like, oh, well, we can't tell.

So the night, the same night as the, excuse me, the same night as the Coke show, the joke where I did the Coke joke, the show where I did the Coke joke,

these

other comics

who will remain nameless, they weren't guys.

Chinese comics?

No,

they weren't the guys that brought me over.

They were just guys I met there.

Okay.

Expat comics.

Yeah,

basically.

So one of them was like,

he's like, dude, I want to take you to this bar.

So I go, okay.

That is the coolest thing about being there.

And some local comics go, let me show you the fucking shit you're never going to see.

Yeah.

He's like, let me take you to this bar.

Yeah.

That's your fucking.

He goes, you're going to love it.

And I go, okay, why am I going to love it?

He goes, trust me, dude.

I know your comedy.

You like dives and all that.

I go, yeah.

He's like, trust me.

He walks me, or a bunch of us, walks a bunch of us

to this bar.

And the weird thing that I, that was, and I don't know if this is a thing in Shanghai or not but it was certainly a thing that I kept re-experiencing diarrhea diarrhea

gonorrhea

all the rhyas

rhea Perlman

yeah no it was like this weird thing where like there I'd be being brought to an establishment And my favorite of all the stories relates to this, but I want to wait to tell.

It's okay.

But I'd be being brought to an establishment and you would start walking through like grass and and trees where it was like, we're going into the woods right now.

And then all of a sudden, there'd be like a clearing and there'd be this structure and you'd be like...

In the woods?

Sort of.

But it was their business, but it was just the geography of that place, you know?

And Shanghai, by the way, for the most part, very westernized city.

Looks like Blade Runner.

When you're going into Shanghai, you go across a bridge that spans the largest body of water I have ever taken a bridge across in my life.

Really?

It's almost scary after a while because you're like, we've been over water for so long.

If anything happens, we're fucked.

Wow.

It's one of these bridges.

See, that's the one.

Oh, look at the one all the way on the right.

These Chinese.

It's one of those, dude.

I think it's that one.

Look at that one.

What the fuck?

It's crazy.

It's crazy, dude, right?

Where's that even going?

What are they doing?

It looks like a ride.

It looks like a fucking ride or something.

Oh, my God.

So they're the massive bridges, right?

So,

but then you get, and the city, you're approaching the city from such a distance, it literally looks like a scene from Blade Runner.

You see all of these skyscrapers, and they're all lit up, and it's the dead of night, and you're like,

it feels like you're flying in on a spaceship.

It's wild.

It's fucking wild, dude, right?

Yeah.

And then you get into the city, and again, for the most part, it's a very, very westernized city.

Were you like worried at all getting there?

Were you nervous?

Oddly, no.

Yeah, I think I'm jumping too quickly into what happened.

Maybe I should tell you about getting there and all that stuff first.

But bring me back to the bar story, unless you don't care.

I'll bring you back to the bar story.

Okay.

Getting there was weird.

So the first time I went, me and Al Lou Bell

went together.

We were brought over together.

And

to do co-headlining shows.

Coke headlining?

Coke headlining shows.

And

we got on the first flight, dude.

The first, dude, like, when I tell you, like, we weren't really making any money.

I just did it because I was like, I was so broke at the time to me.

I was like, oh, you're going to pay me $1,000 to fly a trip of a lifetime?

Yeah, to fly coach to China.

Like, we flew coach, dude.

It's a long flight.

Yeah.

But at the time, I didn't care.

I was like, this is great.

I got my little mini DVD player.

I'm living like a king.

So, anyway,

the first flight was fine because it was out of New York.

The second flight, we had to get a connection, dude.

And we landed, I forget what airport we were in, and we had to connect to get to Shanghai.

Dude, we got in this airport.

Nobody spoke fucking English.

None of the announcements, of course, were in English.

Our flight was canceled and rescheduled.

And how do you even find that out?

I got to tell you, Ari, I...

swear with a gun to my head, I could not tell you how we figured out how the fuck to get to the flight we needed to get to.

We just knew that the flight we were supposed to get to got canceled because we were able to follow stuff enough to like be pointed in the right direction.

And we got to like the gate or whatever.

And then there was like this screen and there was all these people like, and then everybody went, oh,

and then they turned and just left.

And we were like, what, where?

We were like, the flight just got canceled, obviously.

Obviously that.

But like, where do we go?

It literally looked like the scene in planes, trains, and and automobiles when they first land in the snowstorm yeah and john candy's like you got here you called your wife i called a hotel you know what i mean when they're like stranded and everybody's like sleeping on the ground it looked like that except in all chinese

so we didn't know what was going on i i do not remember how we figured it out it was more al figuring it out than me hi guys you know usually i say i gotta break into today's episode to tell you about the guest but today i get to break into the episode to tell you about the guest It's Joe DeRosa and he's got a new special out at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube.

It's I never promised you a rose garden.

I was at the taping, I was at the premiere and it is amazing.

I'm not using that lightly.

It's a hilarious non-stop laughter hour, hopeful in a hopeless way.

I can't make you understand what that means until you've seen it.

The editing choices were great.

Everything about it was great.

I was also at the taping in, I don't know, bumfuck, fucking outside Philadelphia.

I mean, not not even close to Philadelphia, Bumfuck,

Pennsylvania, where he lives, and he shot it.

It's cool, cool old theater.

It was great.

He worked it out constantly, and it's amazing.

It's a theme hour that lets you really pull together your feelings about everything going on terrible in the world.

And there was no better man in the world to do that than Joe DeRosa, the hopeless, chinless, shoulderless loser who makes sandwiches in his spare time.

He was my one-time brief running mate for Legion of Skinks, vice president, and

today he has a special.

Joe DeRosa.

I never promised you a rose garden.

This is one of my most prized possessions.

When he worked it out at the Crane Theater in New York, I saved it.

It says, welcome to an hour of hopeless comedy.

And that's exactly what it was.

But I'm telling you, it's hopeful.

And look at the special thanks.

Right there.

Ari fucking Shafir.

Ari fucking Shafir.

Yeah,

and then some fucking chef boy RD, a fucking loser white, she looks like she owns slaves, another fucking chef boy RD, and some chick, but Ari Shafir on the special thanks.

We talked about it in Agnauseum.

Joe is fucking hilarious, and you guys will love it.

Go to youtube.com slash at JoeDorosaComedy.

Please leave a

comment for the algorithm.

Tell him that if you leave a post, a comment in the algorithm, I hope a little bit of that comment goes towards buying yourself

shoulder implants, which he desperately needs and has needed for quite some time.

Legitimately, guys, this is one to support.

Go over there and watch it.

Enjoy it with your friends.

Start it up right now.

There's a link at the bottom of the screen or the Spotify, wherever you're watching or listening.

Just hit it, start it right now.

It'll remind you to get back to it.

You should support this one.

It's really, really good.

Joe's also on the road in Portland, Maine.

Let's see, Nashville, Providence,

Denver.

Austin at the mothership, punchline in San Francisco.

Get tickets at joe derosa.com/slash slash calendar.

And that's it.

For my own, guys, the Shroom Fest shirt is selling well.

It's almost time to cut the pre-sale in order to get the shirt in time for Shroom Fest holiday.

That is September 6th, 7th, and 8th.

If you don't know what Shroom Fest is, it's just a holiday to celebrate mushrooms.

Wherever you are, all you got to do is take mushrooms and we'll meet up on another plane of existence and party and laugh and cry together.

It's Shroom Fest.

And every year we make a different shirt to commemorate it.

This year's shirt was great as well.

Always designed by Abercadaver, Lee and Gwynn.

It's pretty fucking sick.

But go ahead and order one.

This is at the bottom of the YouTube screen or there's stuff at Spotify.

Also Ubi Trippin' shirts, which you should wear out at hostels or wherever you're on the road.

Wear it with pride and you'll be tripping stickers as well as juveniles and grinders and all that stuff and Arieship Fair cat shirts and everything.

But get that Ubi Trippin' sticker pack and stick them up in the wild.

I want you to put them up, you know, on a pyramid, on the fucking Louvre or whatever.

And post and tag you be tripping pod

let them know where it is and stuff like that like take a close one and take a far one so you see the context and also there's a clear one for your passport stamp so you can put it on there and get your passport started the right way I put one in mine I just got a new passport I put it on there I put it on upside down I fucked up don't fuck up like me

all right that's it guys Go watch I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

It was legitimately, really, really funny.

And just so dark.

Thematically dark.

Anyway, all right, I said enough.

Let's get back to the episode.

Joe DeRosic, congratulations, buddy.

I am legitimately proud of you.

Never tell anyone I said that, or I'll deny it till the end.

Anyway, we got him.

We finally got this connecting flight.

We get to the hotel.

Gig didn't pay well.

Trip over was a nightmare.

You know, blah, blah, blah.

They put us in the nicest fucking hotel I've ever seen in my life.

To this day, I have never stayed at a hotel this year.

Really?

To this day.

For a nothing gig.

For nothing gig.

It was so weird.

It was so weird.

It was fucking gorgeous, right?

So I get there.

You get into the room.

You're like, now we're talking.

All right.

Here we are.

We're in China, baby, right?

Yeah.

Quickly said your porn algorithm to

Asian.

This is pre, I don't even think I had a laptop.

It wasn't pre-laptops, but it was definitely before I traveled with one, you know?

And I'm in the room for

six minutes.

Knock on the door.

I'm like, yeah.

I forget the kid's name.

I think it was Dave.

This kid comes to the door.

I open the door.

He's like, it's the producer, the kid that produces the shows.

Now, he's a Chinese kid, but he's from the States, but he speaks Chinese and he lives in China.

So he was able to produce American comedy shows in China and get it done because he was a perfect break.

He's a great to both of them.

Yeah.

So

it was him.

He was at my door.

I'd never met him.

He's like, dude, I'm Dave.

I'm the guy that brought you over.

I'm like, hey, nice to meet you.

He goes, what are you doing?

I go, well, I've been traveling for 17 fucking hours or something.

I was like, I'm just going to go to bed, I guess.

It's quarter to midnight.

He goes,

you just got to China.

You're going to go to bed?

I go, what a gauntlet throw.

Yeah, I know.

What a fucking.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were Joe DeRosa.

Wow, that's a fuck.

So I was like,

all right.

So, yeah, let let me get the day started tomorrow.

Yeah, he's like, I'm like, yeah, what do you want to do?

He's like, we're going to a bar.

Okay.

Let's go.

So we go down to this bar.

Again, dude, unrelated to the previous story I started and I've yet to finish.

We walk through like woods or something.

My hand to God, dude.

The first thing I am doing in China is going to this bar.

We're out in like

wilderness to get to it.

We cross, I swear to God, a curved bridge over a pond with like reeds sticking out.

I'm like, China can't literally look like this.

This is ridiculous.

Come on, guys.

Pagoda bar.

What are we at?

Epcot Center?

This is ridiculous that it literally looks like this.

You're like, is this put on for me?

Yeah, it was so crazy.

I guess that's why he brought me there because he was probably like, oh, dude, you'll see like our super Chinese bar, right

we go into this bar

uh it's tiny

it probably could only hold about 30 people we get in there

i look over i start or sorry i go to the bar with dave and i start ordering there's five other people in the bar two of them are chinese people who are off this way There's three other people.

They hear me ordering.

I hear this dude go, yo, yo, yo.

I look up.

It's this black dude.

He's with this white chick and some other dude.

And he goes, yo, man, you from the States?

I go, yeah.

And he's like, my man, what the fuck are you doing in here?

I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

What do you mean by you?

Yeah.

At least I'm white.

He's like, you know, whatever his name was.

He's like, my name's Chris, man.

I'm from Detroit.

What's he doing there?

He was there.

He was like a transplant that was there to work.

Wow.

He goes, Where are you from, man?

I go, I live in New York, dude.

I came in from Queens.

I'm here to do comedy shows.

Did you tell him that you were raised in West Philadelphia, born and raised?

Yeah, yeah.

I wrapped that to you.

Where he spent most time.

And, dude, he goes, this guy, this was so ridiculous.

It was so perfect for my personality.

Immediately, dude, the guys goes, what we're doing, shots.

Shots.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

And you're like, bro, thank you for making me feel at home.

Let's go, baby.

For those of you who don't know, Joe DeRose is the king of killing a bar hang by introducing shots at 2 a.m.

2 a.m.

I started bringing them out at 9.30.

The beginning shots, I'm okay with.

Once we're all fucking toasted and feeling great, and Joe's like, shots, I'm like, we're all going to throw up.

Like, no, it'll be fine.

Invariably, you are gone 11 minutes after that late shot.

You're just like, all right, I know.

It's a subconscious way of putting myself to bed.

Come on, don't be a pussy.

We're partying.

And then you're gone.

It's my brain being like, why don't you go home before you do something you really?

You're going to knock yourself out every other shot.

Yeah.

So the guy's like, let's do shots.

And I'm like, absolutely lootly.

What are we doing?

I go, let's do Jaeger bombs.

This is back when I used to love doing Jaeger bombs back then.

He goes, nah, dude, no.

He goes, we're doing,

oh, for Christ's sakes, what's this shit?

Wasabi.

He goes, we're doing wasabi.

That's the wasabi, right?

The horseradish shit.

He goes, we're doing wasabi bombs.

Wasabi bombs.

I go, what is that?

What the fuck?

He goes, it's

it might have been rice wine.

I don't remember if it was sake or not, but I think it was vodka.

He goes, it's chilled vodka, and it's got a dollop of wasabi in it.

Dude, we're in China.

It's real fucking wasabi.

It's not the green shit you get at the mall sushi place.

Yeah.

This shit, dude, they dumped this into the glass.

Is it wasabi Japanese?

Yeah, but you know, we're over there.

My point is, is we're over there.

You know, yeah.

That's like being like, isn't barbecue more Texas?

We're down here, dude.

They've got it.

It's Louisiana.

We're close enough.

They've got it.

So

that was good.

Thanks.

So, dude, they threw this shit into the

vodka.

It looked like a fucking spore from a plant.

It like splintered out almost.

And I was like,

I looked at it.

I go, bro, how bad is this?

He's like, you're going to love it, dude.

We did these shots.

That's the worst fucking shot.

It was so fucking horrible, dude.

It burned so bad.

But like we put him down.

I was like, God damn it.

And the guy's like, welcome to motherfucking China, man.

Let's go.

So, dude,

we start getting fucked up.

Me and this dude.

Eventually, the David kids, like, I got to go, dude.

Like, it was your idea to come out, man.

He's like, I got to go.

I'm like, bye.

The guy who was like running it.

Yeah.

I was like, I'm good.

Man, I'll figure it out.

Not thinking.

Dude, what a freeing moment, too, where you're like, I think I'm settled.

Yeah.

I'm solid.

Go ahead.

I don't need a handhold anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

But you do.

Not even thinking.

Not even thinking.

This is a single English street sign, right?

No.

Nothing.

Dude,

forget single English.

Any letter or character you could ever recognize, it's insane.

Yeah.

You're on another planet.

What does upside down bush mean?

Yeah, dude.

You're on another fucking planet.

It's the most foreign place I've ever been to.

So

he leaves.

Eventually, this guy's friend to,

oh, forget this.

I don't forget this.

We went to toast at one point, and I dropped my glass and I went to catch it.

And as I caught the glass, it was hitting the bar top.

And when it hit the bar top, it shattered as I caught it.

And I sliced my whole hand open on the glass.

And this girl he was with

picked glass out of my hand with her bare hands and like tended to my wound, got like my own blood on her hand and shit.

I was never more welcomed anywhere in my life by strangers.

Fucking nice.

Yeah, Americans welcoming me into China.

Anyway, I thought you were going to be like, I dropped a glass and they're like, you have to commit suicide now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have to screw.

That's how Japan is.

Japan is like, you spoke in public.

I have discrete.

I don't even speak.

Be my second.

So they leave, and just me now and the Chris, the Detroit dude are there.

And he goes,

he goes,

he goes, you like pussy, man?

What a loaded question.

Because you're like, yeah, but that you're asking is a.

Well, I was like, you were already aces with the shots question.

You're two for two on this one.

I do love pussy.

I was like, bro, I just happen to love it.

He goes,

he goes, you want to go to the

massage parlor?

I go, fuck yeah, dude, let's go.

I was hammered.

I was fucking hammered.

That's your spot, too.

The massage parlor.

Joe's also the king of calling a massage parlor and be like, and knowing what questions to ask.

Like, how many people working right now?

Is it the good crew or not?

I've called once in a while.

He called a gay one by accident.

Yeah, he called a gay one because they don't really tell you on the thing.

And he goes, hey, you got a lot of girls working?

The guy goes, you're calling the wrong place.

And he goes, oh, all right.

Trust me, call another one.

I forgot I was with you when I did that.

I was so drunk.

You're always like, I should just go to sleep.

And you're like, yeah, we should.

You go, yeah, I'm not going to follow that advice.

I'm going to go part with some money.

That's so funny.

I remember that.

The guy was like, oh, well, I'm working.

I was like, I'll see you later.

That's what I meant.

All right.

So we go to this place.

He took you somewhere.

He took me to a rubbin' tuggie.

And we go.

Right.

i go into the room with a girl i get a massage i get a hand job again

itty fucking ottic i'm in china dude a place where they will hop out of a van and put a hood over your head and throw you in and put you in jail nobody even knows you're in jail you don't get like a phone call and shit

Fucking moronic.

This is the first of several moronic things I did in China.

I guess, remember the old days of edibles?

Remember when you've got something that meant something, meant someone who put some care into it?

For a while, the banana bread was kicking around.

And if you got that banana bread, you knew that guy who made that banana bread

cared about what he put into your body.

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Dude, how was the place?

Damned if I could remember.

It was fine.

I mean, good enough.

It's like asking, how was the Burger King?

Was it set up just like a regular rub and tug here?

Or is it like...

I guess.

Okay.

Yeah, it was beds and rooms, and you get a massage, and then the lady tugs you off, and you leave.

Everybody was nice.

They didn't speak English just like here.

So

I'll tell you the good thing about a massage bomber in China, no trafficking.

They're there, they live there.

No chance of the trafficking.

I don't approve of trafficking.

I'm not making light of it.

Anyway,

this podcast stands strong against sexual trafficking over international borders.

State to state, we have no, we're not weighing in on that, but international borders.

We're against

how about that diddy

anyway.

So, no, so we're in there.

I got a massage and hand drop

And there's not really much to that part.

It was what it was.

I remember she did a thing.

I remember she did a thing.

She didn't blow me, but I remember she put a condom on my penis.

And she did a thing where, after I was a wreck, she put a condom on my penis.

And she would do a thing where she took a sip of cold water and she would go like that on my penis.

And then she would stick a sip of really warm water and do it again.

And so you could feel the the difference?

Yeah.

And then, like, just till you were at the point of crazy arousal, and then she took the condo off and just did a hand job.

It was pretty amazing.

Wow.

That was pretty amazing.

I've never in my life encountered a woman that ever did that.

Hear that, American rub and tug, ladies?

Step it up.

Or American wives.

Yeah, true.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

She went back and forth, cold water, hot water.

It was pretty wild.

It was pretty cool.

And to this day, whenever I think of it, I'm like, how much water did she have in her mouth?

Like, what was the trick?

Was it just that her mouth felt cold and then hot?

Or did she actually have water in her mouth?

You know?

Yeah.

It was weird.

Anyway, it was cool.

Anyway,

next time you go back.

I leave the room

and I go into the lobby and I go,

hi, ladies.

Of course, they barely speak English.

I'm just looking for my friend.

Yeah.

They go, he left.

I go, what?

And they go, he left.

And I go, no, no, no.

You must be mistaken.

That's my new friend from Detroit.

Yeah, my Detroit friend did not leave me.

We're in this

Detroiters.

They go, no, no, he laughed.

He laughed.

And at first, I thought they were saying he laughed.

Like, he's laughing at you.

And I was like, why was he laughing?

I realized they were saying he left.

And I was like.

And I was like, no, no, no, no.

He's got to be back there somewhere.

And they're like,

you're fucked.

Dude, I wish.

Where even are you?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I mean, you were in your hotel for six minutes.

You don't even know where it is.

No.

I walk outside.

Dude, I'm in a dark street in Shanghai.

I think I'm still in Shanghai, right?

I am

having an almost full-on panic attack.

I'm like, this is it.

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die in the fucking street here.

Somebody's going to kill me.

This is, i am a because by the way dude in china you stay in well in certain parts like like when i would stand on the corner on the street corner this was way less the second time i went the first time i went i would stand on a street corner in shanghai uh or in beijing dude they like would just stare at you because they were like this guy looks like nobody here wow you were like the odd one out you know that's cool so i was like i'm standing out here like a sore thumb It's three o'clock in the morning, maybe even four.

Dude, I'm just like,

I

do cabs even come through here, dude.

I don't know what to do.

What would you even tell a cab?

Well,

cabs start coming.

I'm stopping them.

They're like, oh, and they just pull off.

I'm like, oh my gosh.

I feel like, hi, sir.

Thanks for stopping.

Turn the meter on for this.

And I'd like to go to the Russian Inn.

Dude, I am

freaking out?

Freaking out, right?

So

I

eventually a guy stops.

I show him the card of where I'm staying.

Yeah, that's a secret.

Right?

He can't read it because the fucking card is in English.

They give you an English card if you're from America.

So you can try to, whatever, translate it.

It does you no good.

He can't read it, but this guy, this fucking saint, he goes, he goes,

and

he motions me to get in.

He doesn't drive to my hotel.

We pull up to a hotel.

Dude, I couldn't even remember.

Like when he pulled up, I was like, is this the hotel?

Because I didn't remember what the fuck it looked like.

I was there for two seconds, right?

And he goes up, he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

And then he goes inside.

To translate?

And because he knew that they could translate at this one hotel.

Wow.

And the lady is like, I tells him where to go.

And then he goes, come on.

And he gets me back in the cab and he takes me and he brings me to the hotel.

And he's like,

I tipped him like,

dude, I had no money.

I was making no money.

I think I, I'm not exaggerating.

I think I tipped him $100 American dollars.

What?

Like, whatever the equivalent was.

Why did that make me so mad?

Because I was like, you just saved my life, dude.

Like, I could have died.

And then I went to bed.

And that was my first night ever in China.

What a fuck.

That guy was right to get out of here.

I can't believe I almost skipped that story to go.

You're releasing the other one.

This is his first in order and it's relevant to the other one.

This is why we have writing classes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

And so then, wow, okay.

Wake up at 11.

Now,

Jesus, what a first night.

There's another story on this trip that I'll circle back.

Okay.

Let me now hop to the next trip.

Okay.

And I'll go go back to the second dumbest thing I've ever done in China, which was after that show where the comic goes, so he goes, I got a bar you want to check out.

And this is after the show where I made the joke about cocaine.

I go, great.

Why do you think I'll like it?

He goes, you like dive bars.

I know you're.

Now, at this point,

this is only a few years ago.

My

alcoholic reputation has preceded me at this point.

He's like, we know what you're into over here.

So

he takes me again, dude.

We're walking and all of a sudden you're in like, yeah, Shanghai again.

And you're kind of in like weeds, woods and shit.

And I'm like,

I go to him.

By the way, there's like 15 of us walking to this fucking bar.

I go, bro, where the fuck are we going right now?

He goes, dude, trust me.

I got you, dude.

And I didn't think he was misleading us.

I just was like, this is crazy.

Like, these are like houses and shit.

We turn the corner of this place, and all of a sudden, there's this opening, and there's a fucking bar there

that looks like an Austin-style bar.

Meaning, it was a freestanding bar.

It had a deck and stuff, looked kind of punk rocky.

In the woods, this is a hard woods.

Not like hardcore woods, but just enough wilderness.

And look, some of this is us living in New York for so long.

You see two trees.

You're like, what is going on?

You know what I mean?

That's part of the woods.

Yeah.

so um

we walk into the bar it's this punk rock bar and it's all east coast new

united states punk rock stuff and i go wow what is this this is incredible he goes dude you're from philly right i go yeah he goes the guy that owns this place is from philly i go i just got chills telling the story i go Shut the fuck up.

He goes, yeah, I'll introduce you to.

He introduced me to this guy.

This guy's like, dude, this is awesome that you're out here.

We start talking.

He's a musician from Philly.

I'm a musician from Philly.

We have friends in the.

Are you?

I play music.

I'm not saying it like I'm fucking Shravinsky.

Sort of said it like that.

I didn't mean to.

Look up punk rock bar and shine, guys, see if we can find it.

Is this it?

That could be it it might be time out no no that's the name of the newspaper but i'm like

i don't like i don't know that kind of sounds like what it would be what it would yeah um okay but go ahead anyway

yeah we know we have friends both well-known musicians in philadelphia we have friends in the same bands whoa we have mutual friends what in shanghai and we're talking and he's like he's like dude i'm like i'm like he's like he's like you know flag and democracy i'm like i know him but i never met those guys man we used to i used to run around with these guys called Grady.

He's like, I fucking know Grady.

I'm like, you know, Wally?

He's like, yeah, I'm like Kit and Kevin.

And those, they're some of my best friends.

He's like, those guys are fucking great.

I love those guys.

I saw them play at Stalig 13.

I'm like, fucking Stalig's 13.

Like, dude, we're, we're going.

It's awesome, dude.

Yeah.

It's awesome, dude.

And he's got all American booze.

So we're drinking Miller highlights and doing shots of fucking Jack Daniels.

I'm like, this is awesome.

I'm having the time of my life.

Then the kid that led us there comes up to me.

Now, keep in mind, keep in mind, you have one app in China for everything.

WeChat?

I think it is WeChat.

That's your rideshare, texting, social media, like everything.

The government's like, we want to just put it all in one place.

We check it out.

We can monitor.

Yeah.

But it all works.

This is

two hours after I was warned to not even tell a cocaine joke on stage

yeah

this kid goes want to get some coke wow i was like one buddy thousand percent

i want to immerse myself in the culture here i was like i'm in philadelphia as far as i'm concerned right now let's go dude wow i go do we need to worry because you said like you know the we chat and all that is kind of dangerous he's like

Don't worry, dude, let me let me deal with it.

I go, okay.

He walks off, he comes back, he's like, We're good, dude.

It's on the way.

This is the Brittany Greiner story.

She's like, Nah, it's this should be fine.

This shit shows up.

I don't know who brought it.

I didn't see it come in.

And he's like, All right.

And like, it's like 45 minutes later.

He goes, Want to take a trip to the bathroom, dude?

I'm like, Yes, dude, let's go, dude.

Dude, we start ripping shit.

How was the Coke?

Fucking great, dude.

I was up till 9 a.m.

Wow.

I was up till 9 a.m.

They have 24-hour bars in Shanghai.

I was up till 9 a.m.

We went to a new bar at 8 or 7 a.m.

or something, whenever this guy was off at daylight.

Yeah, and I had shows at 7 p.m.

I remember I was, it was one of those nights where you're waking up for the show at 5 and you're like, I want to kill myself right now.

So tired.

What did I do?

What did I do?

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Yeah, it was fucking wild.

It was fucking wild.

I remember I stopped at a gas station at 9.30 in the morning on my way back to the hotel.

This time I made sure I knew where I was staying.

I knew how to get back because I learned my lesson from the first time.

But yeah, dude, dude, I did coach

across barroom bathrooms in Shanghai.

It's so fucking cool.

It's and he wasn't worried about getting arrested or anything.

This kid was real flippant.

He didn't give a fuck.

He was like, don't worry about it, dude.

We're good.

They told me that they only care about the drugs that the Chinese are doing.

And so if white people want to kill themselves, they're like, we're not going to crack down.

Like, don't bring them in.

But maybe that's the case.

We're not going to crack down that hard.

Maybe that's opium.

They'll be like, no, no tolerance.

Oh, well, yeah.

But I don't know.

Maybe that's the case.

I don't know.

But it's crazy.

But it was one of the...

Look, it's a memory of memories.

It's like, I'm so happy I did it.

I don't regret doing it.

Well, I look back, I'm like, that was fucking moronic.

No, but it wasn't moronic.

You can't point to a situation where everything worked out great as a bad thing.

Well,

no, I agree, but like,

you know, Keith Robinson and I were talking the other night,

and

it was me and Keith and

Naeem, this kid Naeem from Philly, comic.

And

we were talking, and Naeem goes, he goes, he goes, you're not truly straight unless you've endangered yourself for pussy.

And we were laughing, and Keith goes, what's the dumbest shit you ever?

I go, oh, dude, I've taken my life into my own hands easily.

Like, I don't mean like, I didn't use a condiment I should have.

I mean, like, I've walked into dangerous.

We're like, this seems like a trap.

Yeah.

If this is for food, you'd be like, let's go get something somewhere else.

Which is my last story about China, which I'll wait to see.

I somehow outdo.

Do you remember

these first two?

Before that, do you remember?

I'm not going to tell it yet.

But my point is, is like, I'm speaking to you saying you can't look back on something.

You can look back and see what they go.

And I'd say that was very dumb to do.

It worked out, thank God.

Did you drink any of their booze?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm sure I had plenty of

sake.

Wait, is Sake?

I thought Saki's Japanese.

Is that Japanese?

Sorry.

Yeah.

That was racist.

What's they have at Baiju?

Is that it?

Isn't Baizhou?

What is Baizhu?

I think I have some Chinese whiskeys.

Oh, I mean, it must have, too.

There's no Chinese whiskey?

There must be.

Maybe everything in China is westernized.

Maybe there's a counterfeit everything.

Baizhu, isn't that the drink?

It's the most well-drunk booze in the world.

Baizhou, China's national liquor.

You must have had.

I'm sure I've had you.

Yeah, I'm sure I drank.

There were so many expats there that not just

were involved with the shows, but owned and operated the venues.

So, when I would get to the venues, these guys were excited that I was there, and then they were like, Welcome, dude.

You got to try this.

This is the first thing I drank when I got here.

You know, all that shit.

They took me to get Peking duck.

I had real Peking duck.

Like, I had the actual thing.

It was wild, you know.

What I found was that all the expats were like, Hey, we did the Asian thing for like a month, and now we've been here for years.

We just want to eat pizza and burgers.

Yeah, and it

made me understand what Chinatown is here.

Yeah.

Where they're like, yeah, we eat our own food we grew up on.

We all try to slice a pizza and then we're back to fucking

eyeballs.

That's a great point.

That's a great point.

It's weird because like

fast food and stuff,

I try to hit McDonald's in every country I go to.

Such trash.

Because I want to see like what their deal is.

I'm like, what is their McDonald's?

It tastes different everywhere.

It's weird.

It tastes different everywhere.

Where they have there.

Do you ever go to Disney World and they have the Cokes from around the world at Epcot Center?

It's the same thing.

Every Coke tastes different.

It's weird, man.

They had in Thailand.

They had like burger brown sticky rice.

Yeah.

They had fried chicken in China.

I didn't get it, though, because it was during bird flu the first time I went.

Oh, yeah.

Second time I went, they had a chicken sandwich.

It was awesome.

And then they had...

Totally different off-the-menu thing?

Like, not...

No, it was on menu.

It was like an Amenukenen.

But not an American menu thing?

No, I never saw fried chicken here.

The second time I went, they had a chicken sandwich.

It was awesome that we don't have here.

And they had like fried dough-like a fried dough thing that was fucking amazing.

Oh, that's interesting.

Yeah.

Fried dough?

Yeah, it was like a Chinese dessert that they had at McDonald's.

It was really good.

Let's see what the best items are.

This guy's eating a 53 McDonald's.

Let's see.

Has he got any China?

Look at that, dude.

You don't want that.

Chicken ham pie from McDonald's.

Yeah, you don't want that.

I do.

Hokkaido burger.

Look, that has rice, a burger with rice on it.

Wow.

You know, they just have weird shit that we don't.

Oh, no, it's mashed potato.

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, look at that.

Teriyaki rice in Thailand.

McDonald's.

McDonald's chicken teriyaki rice.

Yeah, well, they have poutine in

Canada and Montreal.

Wow, a fucking pineapple burger.

McDonald's, step it up.

Fucking salad.

Denmark has potato chips.

This guy's committed his life to this.

Yeah.

Wait, so now let's.

Do you remember it being expensive, not expensive?

Anything?

I remember it being quite affordable.

Did you have a bathroom problem there?

China?

No.

You used regular shit to sit-down toilets?

Did you have to deal with the squats?

You don't remember?

No, I mean, because everywhere I shit was like, it was like my hotel or something.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there were places in public where it might have been an issue.

But no, I found it very affordable.

You know, look, again, like a lot of it is

a lot of it's really westernized.

So China also doesn't, they don't really enforce like bootlegging laws and stuff.

None.

So you can get, you buy shit and you're kind of like, I think this is real.

I can't tell.

But like they have like PlayStations at this one place for like $100.

I was like,

they must be knockoffs or something.

I think that what they do is that the factory is like right there.

They're like,

you taught me how to make them.

The factory next door just hires you.

Well, what they do is like,

yeah, people take the blueprints and just make them, and then like, they, there's no way to enforce somebody doing that.

They don't care.

Against somebody doing that.

Yeah.

So, but, um,

but uh, I remember I went to get food.

Like, he, the second time I was there, the guy, the guy that was, I was with, he was taking me to, like, the traditional food markets and stuff.

You don't care for it?

Uh,

well, some of it was amazing.

Some of it was awesome.

Like, I did go to, like, a real,

we went to a Chinese restaurant and did like

gelatin noodles and

all that shit.

And it was, that was awesome because it was like, it was, it was, it was like, this is what real Chinese food is.

Like, this is what it is, like

in a sit-down restaurant here.

But then you go to the markets where it's more like the food courts, whatever, and that's where they had like the stinky fruit and all that shit.

True.

And the, and like, the, the, the, the,

uh, uh, uh, the toe, the, the moldy tofu and all that shit.

I couldn't, I was, like, I was like, take me, I'm going to try it.

And I couldn't, it was so fucking gross, dude.

It smelled so bad.

I couldn't do it.

It's interesting, though, because, like, your fun time in China is just doing the stuff that you would do.

So it's like, it opens itself up to you.

You know, like, if you're a skateboarder, like, there had, there has to be a good, like, skate park there for you to enjoy yourself.

Yeah.

You're like, you're a bar guy, and they're like, we have cool, but it's like, I always say, like, what if someone's visiting New York?

You'd be like, either you take them to the Empire State Building and the fucking Statue of Liberty and fucking Wall Street or whatever to see it, or you'll be like, let me show you some cool bars I hang out in.

I mean, here's a more real New York experience.

I went to the Great Wall.

Because

the

elevation of the memory and of the bond and of the human connection when you're in that new setting, that foreign setting,

it's immeasurable.

I went to the Great Wall.

I could have given two shits.

I looked at it.

I stood on it.

I was like,

yeah, I mean,

there's no way to capture it with a camera.

Nah.

There's no way.

These guys all did great jobs, actually.

They're amazing photos.

I was talking to a friend of ours.

I was talking to a friend of ours, and you were there when we were having the discussion.

And I said, when I make these trips, I don't try to capture, meaning

on the phone, I don't try to capture the God moments.

Oh, right.

And that person was like, What do you mean by the God moments?

And I was like, The moments that are too big to

do justice on film.

If you go to the Grand Canyon, if you stop and look at a mountain range, if you visit

the Great Wall, that's a God moment.

There is no way a picture is ever going to translate what you are looking for.

Big moon.

Yeah.

Exactly.

You're never going to get it.

You take pictures of the human moments, so you remember, here's the guy that I was with in the bar, and I ran into, you know, and whatever.

So, my point is,

Weinstein, huh?

Me, you and Harvey Weinstein were hanging out.

It was Harvey Weinstein.

I remember, he was like, that's really interesting.

Yeah, yeah, he was jizzing into a plant.

Come on, man.

Don't be aggressive.

Yeah.

I said, see, I wouldn't take a picture of this.

This is a God moment.

So it'll do just the picture of the adjustments.

Yeah, you're right.

That's smart.

So don't get wasted time and like trying to capture it and change.

Yeah, and with that said, and I mean this, honestly, the God moments,

they're nice, man.

I appreciate them, but I don't, I don't ever appreciate it.

I was on a road trip once.

I was driving when I bought your car.

Yeah, I bought my truck in L.A.

and I drove it back to the East Coast, and I zigzagged everywhere.

I didn't go straight across it.

It was amazing.

And

my favorite moments from that trip are not the amazing sunset I got to see in the mountains of Utah.

That was awesome.

My favorite moments were like, I go to the steak place, I sit at the bar because I'm alone.

I meet some dude next to me who starts telling me how he's a rock and roll journalist, and he starts telling me how he used to be on heroin, and we go out drinking, and then I just have this night with this dude I just met, and I had a fucking blast.

That's the shit I remember.

That's the shit I really, because for whatever reason, that moment,

because it's the adventure.

It's bigger than proving I saw this thing.

It's an adventure.

Yeah.

It's the adventure.

It's why I love New York.

It's why I love Austin.

They're cities that offer an adventure.

You can go out by yourself and stumble into something pretty easily.

I met an Israeli lady in Myanmar, and she was like, the tip she got was like, whenever you take a picture, put you and your friend in it.

Don't take it of a thing.

Right.

But whoever you're traveling with, because you're going to forget them.

And then you'll be like, oh, that guy I met at the fucking

zigzagging.

It's a smart thing.

I need to be better about that.

So anyway.

Yeah, I just, I don't know.

So in China, like, those are the things I really remembered because it was like, that was was where I had fun it's reminding me of stuff seeing World Cup in the middle of the note right

the second night the night we were in the province outside of Hong Kong yeah it was the night before the first show that was the first place we touched down this on the second visit we went from there to Shanghai okay first time I went right to Shanghai second time we landed in Hong Kong we I don't remember what airport we landed in but we we did something I don't think it wasn't an actual Hong Kong but we did something outside of Hong Kong and

the producer of that show took me to a bar.

We went to an Irish pub.

We found an Irish pub in the middle of this Chinese province.

Now, we walked around all day and did Chinese province shit.

Yeah.

You know,

and all that.

And then we went to another province.

Dude, Irish bars are the same everywhere.

Yeah, it's the same thing.

You know what you're getting.

Yeah.

They've nailed it.

Well, check this out.

There's two Irish guys in the fucking bar.

They're the only two guys in the bar.

They don't own the bar.

They're just hanging out.

Those guys were like, want to do some Coke, Letty.

And I was like, yeah, dude.

And I got all fucked up with those guys.

And at the end of the night, dude, I remember I go, dude, I got a show tomorrow night.

It's at such and such.

You guys are coming, right?

And they go, fuck no, man.

We don't want to go to your show.

Wow.

And I never saw them ever again.

They just were like, no, we just wanted to party with you.

I was like, but you don't even know who, like, it wasn't like you were like a fan of it.

You're like that guy with the big nose.

No, we just wanted to party with somebody.

Wow.

Why would people just assume you're going to do Coke?

I just look like it.

I look like a guy that likes pussy shots and drugs.

But

one more food thing.

I went to a place and I tried.

It was like a buffet style.

Like they had hot.

This was in Shanghai.

Yeah.

They had hot,

what the fuck is that?

Like vats.

Hot sauce.

Now, when you, when you go and you go, I'll have some of this and some of this.

And, you know, booze?

Food.

Oh.

You know what I mean?

You know, and you go to like a, like, it's like going to like a Panda Express and they have the vats.

Okay.

And you go, oh, the little this,

but I didn't know what anything was because it was all in sauce and it was all like written in Chinese.

Just give me some of that, some of that, some of that over rice.

I was just making, I just wanted to get what I was, I wanted to know what I was getting, and there was one thing that I thought looked good, and I go, what is that?

And the lady goes,

whatever she said.

And I go,

I go, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

No Chinese.

And she says it again.

Did you say no Chinese in your version of a Chinese accent?

I was like, hold on.

I put those.

Maybe you can understand this.

I was like, hold on.

I turn around.

I put buck teeth in, turn back around, and both die.

Do you know now?

And

yeah, I go, I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.

I don't know what I don't know what to do.

And she says it again, and I go, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't.

And she just goes, like, I swear to God, dude, she got so mad.

And she leans over the counter and she goes, Buck, book, buck, buck.

I was like, oh, chicken.

All right, I'll have some of that.

Okay, then.

I was so proud of myself.

I learned the word for beef so I could know.

I think it's Neo, maybe.

I don't know.

It's a long time ago.

But anyway, I was like, okay, I'm going to order it.

Give me what beef is.

Give me what noodles are.

And I said beef noodles.

And the guy in China, in Mandarin, and the guy just turns around and looks at this giant menu board of food.

And he's like,

there's 30 of those.

God damn it.

And I'm like, fuck.

God damn it.

Well, you're in a lucky position because you can eat.

really hot shit.

Yeah.

And you're like, you know, so you don't, you're not too limited.

If you get something by accident, you'll deal with it.

Yeah.

I'll still go for it.

Like, my fear was like, if it's too hot, I'm not going to be able to handle it.

Spicy.

Yeah, spicy.

You know?

But, like, but it's cheaper off you could just dump it.

Yeah.

But, you know, the,

yeah, I learned,

and I can't remember now how to say it, but I learned how to say thank you.

Sure, sure.

Because I was like, how do you say, you know, how do you say thank you?

And the guy taught me, and he goes, that's going to go a long way.

It's okay if you're like, sorry, man, I don't speak Chinese.

But if then, if you say thank you in their language, it lights them up.

He's like, it shows that you're trying your best.

And I was like, okay, I can remember at least thank you.

And

is this sure shar?

Is that what it is?

Shereshar.

Shiz here.

Shay Shay.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

Shashay.

I think that's what it is.

Shashe.

But I mean, look at it.

Look at it written in English.

It looks insane.

I-E with a thing, X-I-E with another thing.

What are the things over the letters?

They never showed us that.

It is such a hard language.

By the way,

there are hundreds of dialects within China.

So you'll be in a province, and then in that province, there's dozens of dialects.

That doesn't apply anymore.

So you're speaking, you're trying, even if you know one of them, the person you're talking to might not know that one.

It's wild i don't know how people it's so navigate this place it's crazy it's really it's so massive i mean this is not to scale but it's like this gigantic area

it should have been like 20 countries

it is well look how small japan is compared to china i mean that's not accurate though what do you mean I mean, this boat's the size of fucking all of Europe.

Oh, yeah, there's a big turtle over here.

Big turtle?

That's not there anymore.

What is this?

Like a globe of what they thought the world looked like?

Yeah, I think it's an early depiction of the globe.

This is why I like it, though.

Yeah.

But like when, yeah, when guys would be like, we'll have to battle the great sea urchin if we're going to do passage to China.

Yeah, I guess so.

I don't care.

Can you guys get us some shots?

Glasses?

You got to cut that.

Oh, wait, do we have any?

We have regular whiskey, though.

I don't really like rye.

Yeah, we have regular whiskey, of course.

Oh, Florida Canyon.

Rum?

Wait, is Piggyback part of Whistle Pig?

Oh, yeah.

It says Whistle Pig.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Kentucky Street Bourbon Whiskey?

What's that, gentleman Jack?

Florida Conya?

No, this is rum.

Ugh.

How about that?

Father Time?

Yeah.

What's that?

Proof?

Proofs in the pudding.

Is it over 100?

Made in India?

What?

No, that's a sticker on there.

I don't know.

Show me.

You tell me.

I'm just making sure we don't need to dilute it.

Sometimes with whiskey, it's like like 110 proof.

Yeah, 92.

That's not too.

Let's see what we got next to drink.

Okay, but let's tell that other story.

Oh, shit.

Sure.

What was the other one?

The other one is.

Go in the woods.

There's got to be a cup in here.

Oh, thank you.

It's not a professional podcast like the other ones.

The other one is like the other ones.

Yeah.

I mean, Danny Brown.

I mean, like the other two.

Like Like a guy who clearly still has residual LSD in his system.

He's still working out the old LSD.

That's so fun.

I love Danny, man.

He's the fucking best.

Did you ever do that show?

It's fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, all the shows.

You ever been to any of his music shows?

No, but I've listened to him a lot.

You told me, too, I was going for the first time, and

you were like, oh, that guy's so fucking independent and weird.

He's great.

He's the best.

He does exactly with music what we all try to do or should try to do with comedy.

Like, it's like,

like, all indie.

Like, fuck you.

I'll put it out on this label and then I'll build the cult audience.

I heard Daniel Simonson's a huge fan.

He told me like some of the lore of him.

Simonson loves him.

Simonson, when I met Simonson, was like jealous that I was on Danny Brown's podcast.

He was like, not when I met him.

I ran into him at a festival after I did it.

And Simonson was like, oh, my God.

Like, I can't believe you're on that guy.

Like, he was like, God damn it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sorry, go ahead.

He goes, he said he got an offer because he's a Detroit rapper and Eminem took him under his wing and liked him.

And then Eminem's manager was like, that's great.

Let's get you signed to a label.

And Danny Roddy's like, come on, sign with the label, dork?

And he was like, what do you mean?

It's a better opportunity.

He's like, beat it, nerd.

Yeah.

It's wild.

Yeah.

He's real anti.

I love that guy, man.

I love him.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Wait, let's talk about

this third bar story.

Well, the third bar story,

well, the third story.

Yeah.

It's not only the dumbest thing I've did in China,

it's also the dumbest thing I ever did for pussy.

It's also arguably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

It's a real, it ticks all three boxes here.

Yeah.

So the first time I was in China, I told you, I went massage probably the first night.

And I remember like on the second or third day I was there, that kid that brought me out, not the Detroit kid, but the Asian kid that brought me over there.

He was just giving us like a tour around.

He was showing us stuff.

And

he took us into a bar.

Okay.

And it was so weird.

We went into the bar.

There were no dudes.

It was all women.

And they were all dressed in white sweaters and khakis.

And I was like,

this is a weird bar.

And we left.

This is back in the days when I could walk into a bar and not get a drink.

I'd just be like, oh, that's interesting.

And just leave.

Now I'm like.

What day?

I'd be like, wait, why are we leaving?

What was that day?

This is 2001 trip or 2003, whatever the fuck it was.

So we walk out of the bar and I'm like, that's a weird place.

And he's like, that was all prostitutes.

And I was like, really?

Because you're just backing up without your knowledge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trying to head back in.

The kid literally is like, yeah, dude, fucking gross.

And I was like, like, yeah, it's gross.

Right?

Hey, I'm going to go back.

I'll catch up with you later.

You know what?

I forgot my watch back in the room.

I think I left my boner

back in the

brotho.

No, wait.

Fuck.

This is the worst excuse to walk away.

Yeah.

I need some now and laters.

I'll be right back.

I got to brush my teeth.

I need some now and later.

So, dude, it's just now it's in my head.

And I'm just like,

oh, my God, that's so awesome.

That's so awesome.

That's so awesome.

That's so awesome.

And I'm just all.

They're just hanging?

I'm just so corned up from it, right?

So it's cut to a day or two later.

It's my last night there.

Now we're in Beijing.

That was in Shanghai.

Now we're in Beijing.

Beijing is a different story from Shanghai.

Beijing still had dirt roads in places.

Beijing in places still looks like

you're in like fucking, you know, Beverly Hills, Ninja, China.

You know what I mean?

Well, the palace is there.

It still looks like, you know, like Daniel's son fucking, you know, karate kid shit, you know, and Beijing's where the Great Wall is.

Yeah, but this is all the whole palace there, but it's kind of like that everywhere.

Yeah, the palace is there.

Beijing's wild.

Yeah.

There is a modern downtown-ish area like that, and then like away from there.

We were away from there.

Sweeping with like palm leaves, yeah, we were away from there.

They're like street vendors, like food vendors had like scorpions on sticks and shit like that.

You know, it was wild.

So

it's the last night.

Do the show.

I had a bad last show.

I bombed really bad.

It was good whiskey.

And

I'm all fucking revved up.

Yeah.

You know.

From a bad show.

Well, no, because two days earlier, I saw a bunch of women in a bar, and I was like, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I'm such a pig.

The fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway.

So

I have this terrible show, and after the show, I'm like, Al, what are you doing?

Want to go out, get drinks?

Al Lubell's not a guy that's going to be like, yeah, let's go get hands.

He's a nice guy, but yeah, he's not going to go out.

So

I'm like, yeah, whatever.

So I started walking around just by myself, trying to find something to do.

This girl comes up to me on a bicycle.

And she goes,

you American, you American.

I go, she goes, girls, you want girls?

I was like,

yeah.

Yeah.

That's exactly what I want.

Yeah, that's exactly what I want.

And she goes,

okay, you follow me, you follow me.

I go, okay.

So I started walking with her.

She rides by another guy.

She's like, you want girls?

This guy's like, yes.

She goes, you follow me, you follow me.

What's she like Pied Pipers you?

Yeah.

Just gets you in line.

Yeah.

She gets like three or four of us together.

And she starts riding.

And we're just following her.

She's on a bike?

Yes.

You guys are walking after her?

She's riding like extraordinarily slow.

She might have even been just walking with the bike.

But yeah, she's got a bike.

But she's going slow enough that we're able to follow her she's leading you by your hard-ons

she's yeah yeah she is leading us by our yeah you can see like the

mist coming out of our dick holes like yeah that's like yeah and um

now this time when i tell you the woods

i mean the fucking woods bitch we were going in the woods you're just following some random hooker chick into the woods she's just going she keeps going just come on come on

dude we walked for for like, I'm not kidding, dude.

We're like a mile.

We're like a mile in this road that cuts through the fucking woods.

And I, at one point, I'm like, lady, where are we going?

Like, what the fuck is going on here?

Never thinking, idiot,

you're probably about to get fucking robbed.

At minimum.

Didn't even cross my mind.

What an easy robbery, too.

Just go.

Didn't even cross my

mind, dude.

Didn't even cross my mind.

This reminds me of like to catch a predator when it's like, what's the guy's name who runs that show?

Chris Hansen.

Yeah, and they see Chris Hansen there, and they're like, oh, it's so bad.

But part of them is still like, but where is this 14-year-old?

Like, they're still hoping she's there.

Because, like, if I make a run for it, I might be able to finger her on my way out the door.

So

they just keep walking, walking, walking, walking.

And again,

all of a sudden, there's this place in the fucking woods.

But this time, dude,

this is like Hansel and Gretel, dude.

It looks like we found like the witch's little house where she like lures the kids.

Like it was like, it was in the fucking woods, dude.

And

she's like, okay, okay.

And I'm like, holy shit,

there actually was a place.

Like, I guess, you know.

Hanser and Greta.

We walk in.

So sorry.

I apologize.

We walk in, and it's like, it's like,

it's like a, you know, it's all done up inside.

And the guy's like, okay.

And he tells us to sit.

By the way, multiple people peeled off.

I think only me and one other guy made it the whole way.

That's like climbing.

It's like strong enough.

Yeah.

It's like climbing Everest.

You start losing people along the way.

They didn't make it.

Just take a nap.

They didn't have the resolve.

Just pussy's never coming.

Yeah.

We got to the summit.

We're in there.

Guy goes, okay.

You're the Everest of Chinese hookers.

He lines up girls.

One is hotter than the next.

They're all fucking smoking.

He's like, you want one?

You want two?

You know, I'm like,

I'll take two.

I mean, do you ask for pricing here?

You know, he told me the price.

I don't remember what it was, but it was very affordable.

Wow.

I was like, oh, well, then I will take two.

I'm mostly.

yeah

and then we went in the room and it was a karaoke room because that's a thing they do there where like they have these karaoke bars and you go into the i found this out later

uh but anyway the karaoke bar is the

meeting room of the room the yeah is the is the meeting ground whatever so you see what you do is is you that's like tj they have a bar downstairs it's like what tijuana yeah it's like a bar downstairs oh whoa inside Asian's illegal karaoke sex club.

Oh, there you go.

I was in one.

That's you.

That's Asian Joe.

He put on fucking.

KTV.

That's what they were called.

KTV bars.

Wow.

Because, yeah, karaoke television bars.

So I was in one.

And yeah, I went into the room.

So what happens is, is they say,

you know, it's $15 per girl, but then you go into the room and then they're like, okay, now it's it's $75 for the room.

You got to buy them drinks.

It's $50 for each drink.

You know what I mean?

And all of a sudden, it's like, shit.

And then what you're supposed to do

is, I guess, strike up a deal to meet them later elsewhere.

I don't think you can do anything right there.

And I think that's the loophole of how to do it.

Oh, they would meet there to meet you somewhere.

I believe so.

That's what Tijuana was.

It was this bar area downstairs.

And some of the poor guys, the poor Mexicans, were just like, I just want to dance with these girls.

But then, if you're like, you go, how much for a room?

That's what Bobby Lee taught me.

Yeah.

And they go, $71, $72.

Yeah.

And then you go to a technically a different establishment.

It's a hotel right upstairs.

But like, we're in a different place now.

Yeah.

So

I'm in the fucking room.

Wow.

Nice.

And I'm there.

And then they start hitting me with all the whatever.

You owe us this.

You owe us this.

You owe us this.

And I was like, I don't have it.

I don't have it.

So now I'm, yeah, now I don't have the money to give them.

They put two drinks down.

I'm in the room.

Nothing's happened, but I'm just.

And

that was the moment I was like, I think I fucked up.

I think I really fucked up.

I'm about to get robbed.

Yeah.

You're about to get karate chopped.

And

for whatever fucking reason, they were just like,

get the fuck out of here.

Oh, right, it happens.

They weren't, no, they weren't like, no worries, buddy.

They were definitely annoyed.

I mean, Christ, they're sending a girl on a fucking 10-speed into town to lure people out here.

You know, they don't, it's not a heavily foot-trafficked area.

You know what I mean?

It's not next to a Starbucks.

So they weren't happy about it, but they did let me go.

So you didn't fuck?

No.

There were two guys standing over me being like, you owe us this.

You owe us this.

You owe us That's not the right environment to get hard.

No, no, no.

Who, me?

Oh, yeah, no.

Oh, I got screaming at you.

I think they went hard like this.

No, I know.

Dude,

they were like, you owe us.

And I was like, I don't have it.

I don't have it.

I don't have it.

I don't have it.

Every part of this was fucking moronic.

I don't know what I was thinking that I could cruise down there with no money and it would be fine.

That like

I would follow somebody for this far and it would be fine.

That somehow I'd find an affordable sexual experience at the end of the day.

It was every part of this was so fucking dumb.

It was the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

It was the most danger, theoretically, I've ever put myself in.

And they finally, they were just like, get the fuck out of here.

And I was like, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

And I left.

And

bookending the trip perfectly,

I am now

standing outside of a place

outside this brothel.

A mile

down a wooded fucking road, and I don't remember how the fuck to get back to my hotel.

A perfect, you thought, you would think I would have learned after night one, don't do this again.

I'm like, no, not only am I going to do it again.

I'm going to follow you to F sure Nowhere.

Not only am I going to do it again, I'm going to do it in yet another city than I did in the first time.

And I'm going to put the woods into the mix this time.

There's not even cabs coming by.

And I just walked.

No.

I just walked.

I was like, I think this is the way.

I mean, it's a road.

I got to, it's got to be, you know, right?

A mile back out.

I just walked and walked and walked and walked.

And when I got back into town, I just finally was like,

I was like, I think it was this place.

And I walked in and it was my hotel or whatever, but like, it's fucking moronic.

It was fucking moronic.

The bigger moronic place is going in there.

it's all of it.

I'm unprotected here.

Every single part of it was the dumbest thing.

Did you feel like they were going to rob you when you were in there?

Not even, yeah, dude.

When they started yelling at me, that's that was the first time the notion occurred to me.

You know, they might just rob you, right?

But you hadn't, you don't have the money anyway.

I had some money, I didn't have the money they needed to make the fun happen.

Did you jerk off that night?

Christ, yes,

yeah,

absolutely lootly.

Yeah.

I was still so horny.

I was still

horny that whole walk home.

That never went away.

Pointy North Star.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's how I got home.

No, none of the horniness ever went away.

I just was like,

you know, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life.

Like, it was the most dangerous position I ever could have put myself in.

Damn.

And then I flew home the next morning.

Really?

That was like, I got to get this before I go.

Yeah, I was like, last night.

Fuck.

And then flew home like

with no money.

Like, whatever I made, I spent while I was there.

Oh, God.

You know, flew home another.

I was like, oh, great.

Connecting flights now for another 20-hour trip or whatever.

Like,

got back to New York broke.

Went back to my apartment in Queens, where I lived with Big Jay

and his girlfriend at the time and

Isabella, his daughter, who was like two.

She went back to to my tiny bedroom, just like, ugh.

I bet Jay also would have been like, oh, let me tell you about the trip.

He goes, no, I got this new PlayStation game I should tell you about.

I just figured out how to get to the Sixers to the championship.

Yeah.

Jay, can I tell you about my whole trip to China?

No.

But let me tell you a two-hour story about how I went to South Orange in New Jersey.

Jay is like, all right, I'll sit down for this.

Exact opposite of this kind of like vibe.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Bogart, my China story to tell me about the rascals you played this weekend.

Oh, here it is.

It's so big.

It's like all the way here.

It's like all this.

Siberian Empire.

All that.

Oh, that's Russia.

Yeah.

God damn.

That's so cool.

If someone's going to China tomorrow, I'm like, hey, I'm going,

what advice should you give them?

Like, what, bring this, don't bring that?

Or anything?

What did you wish you would have done?

My number one piece of advice would be do not follow a woman on a bicycle down a wooded road in search of pussy.

I'd say

money for it.

Don't do it.

You gotta go, let me go to the ATM first.

If we're leaving ATM area, give me a second.

Let me cash up for this.

I would say every single thing you heard me say I did, don't do any of it.

Go there.

Go see the sights.

Don't drink.

Just go have a nice time.

I did it all wrong, but had an amazing adventure and an amazing time, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But if I went back to China, dude, I would not do any of the shit I did on those two charts.

100% you would.

No, now I would not.

You would.

I wouldn't even go back now with how tense shit is.

You're not a fucking, you're not a political guy.

No, you're right.

Yeah, it would be fine.

They still want your dollar.

That's true.

Okay, I'll go back.

As long as you're not a dissident, you're fine.

I'll go back.

You and I have talked about going to Tokyo.

That's a good plan a trip for a while.

Well, that's a question I usually ask a lot of people, like, what's calling you?

Like, what, what places do you call it?

I want to go to to Tokyo.

You,

three now of my really close friends have said separately of one another, I want to go to Tokyo.

We got to get a Tokyo and Fukushima gig and then just like, and just like have like eight or nine days.

Start in one, do a show, go wherever we want, and then do another show.

But, dude, I'll go to Tokyo with you just on vacation.

I don't need gigs because that's the thing.

Like, when we keep trying to regulate it to gigs, it's like, it's got to be during this season.

It's got to be at this time, whatever.

Like,

I'll go to Tokyo with you in the fucking summer just to go.

We should just go.

Yeah, we should.

We should.

I really want to go back there.

China was really amazing.

Tokyo is a different ball game.

Where have you never been that you want to go to?

Is anything in your mind?

Spain.

I've never been to Spain.

I've never been to London.

Dude, you would.

I know.

I can't believe it.

You would love Spain.

The drinking culture there.

I think I would love it.

It's a casual buzz the whole day.

Don't embarrass yourself.

You'd have trouble with that.

But just as casual, drink vermouth, find vermouth until you get a little just tipsy and then the little finger food.

You would paste up Pinche and Topas.

You'd be like, where is there a KFC?

No, no.

Wait, wait, vermouth.

You drink vermouth?

It's better vermouth.

Just like this, Florida Canyon is like a higher-end rum.

It's like just drinking rum, not mixing rum.

Their vermouth is like higher-end.

I don't know that you could drink just vermouth.

I thought you had to mix it with stuff.

I might be wrong.

Spanish.

Aromatized white wine with added herbs and flavors.

Okay, so they okay, that makes a little more sense.

Yeah, so it's like almost like it's like

a classier version of a Sangria or something.

Watch me get in trouble.

I'm just getting back from

Spain, and I want to tell everybody I'm a redneck.

Guys, you got to try that one.

Man, you'd all love it.

It's Casa Mario Vermut Denigri.

No, dude, I want to go, desperately want to go to Tokyo, and I desperately want to go back to Italy.

I really, really want to go back to Italy.

Italy was pressing me a little more than Tokyo is at the moment.

Why?

What are you looking forward to?

It's just the best food.

I went.

I only went to Rome.

There's so much more to see.

The food is the hands-down greatest food I've ever had in my life.

However, Anthony Bourdain said

in the past.

And I didn't know this.

I didn't know this.

It was after I already said I want to go back to Tokyo because the food in Tokyo is incredible.

He said, any chef on planet Earth, if you said, where would you want to exist for the rest of your life,

no?

He said, Tokyo.

He said, Tokyo is as

high up that culinary ladder as you can.

But I would say Italy, I'm assuming

that they would pop up in Tokyo.

Tokyo food was dope, dude.

Because they're, dude, especially fish, they're catching food.

They're catching that.

Dude, it's so free.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

So I went to those two places, Italy and Tokyo.

Yeah.

What about some travel advice?

Just general or specific advice?

Does anyone travel?

Know your shit before you land, man.

Because every country, including the United States, has their own scams, and you got to watch out for it.

And

that's the kind of shit you need to know.

You need to know.

You know, everybody focuses on.

Know some of the scams.

Yeah.

Look up pops.

Yeah, it's not a bad idea.

Look up popular scams in.

Yeah.

And then.

Everybody focuses on the same shit.

Oh, my God.

We're going to France.

Which restaurant should we go to?

What museum should we go to?

What are the shows we need to check out?

That's all well and good, guys.

You know what questions you really need to be asking?

What the fuck do we do when we get off the airplane?

Who's ripping you off at the airport?

Right away.

How do you get safely from your airport to your hotel?

I will look that up.

Sometimes not until I i land i'll get on the wi-fi of the airport like how much is a cab supposed to be to downtown the airport so when they hit you with 20 times that you go no no no that's exactly that's exactly that's the shit you need to know get in the white cabs not the yellow the yellows are robbers the white cabs are the real ones you're like okay yeah i've been in other countries and they'll be like they'll be like uh just so you know say i'm just gonna make up gibberish but you know you'll be in some place that doesn't where english is not the language and they'll be like they'll be like when you meet a cab driver say no no bunny loo or whatever And you're like, what does that mean?

And they go, it means that no bullshit.

You're not going to do the scam.

You'll pay this much.

You have to say that every time.

Like, that's the kind of shit you need to know.

It's in Egypt.

They told me that.

Lashachran.

It's like, no, thanks.

And they go, oh, he's learned enough.

Just don't bother.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that's that's my biggest travel.

That's not bad.

You know?

This is awesome, dude.

Thanks.

This was awesome, Joe.

Guys, it's out right now.

I never promised you a rose garden.

Yes.

It's out right now.

available here

there it is i'll do it like this uh check out if it's uh youtube.com slash joe de rosa or uh it's on netflix right now yeah one of those guys go to hulu right now to see i never promised you a rose garden by joe de rosa could be on chain gillis or salvocano's page who knows

go see a screening at a nearby alamo draft house yeah uh anyway it's yeah

i was there and it was great thank you buddy It was so much more hopeful than the rest of your stuff.

I'm so shocked that you're saying because I started by saying it's hopeless.

I know, but it's not.

It's you're finding joy in these things.

You were always a complainer and a great one.

Everyone's like, oh, Europe's a best.

Europe's a best.

You know what I'm saying?

We don't have ruins.

That was a nod to Europe.

Yeah, it's like Europe sucks.

Everything sucks.

But this was like.

No, no, that was saying Europe is great for the ruins.

Oh, really?

That was me saying, like, they learn from their mistakes.

They keep them around.

We have no ruins in America.

That's why everybody's a fucking idiot.

Anyway, but I can't disagree with your premise.

It was so fun, but it was like, everything starts to almost do another thing.

That's what I know.

It was funny, dude, because the final, I was saying to my manager, Emilio, like, we got to that final taping, and during that

second show, which was the one you were at, I was halfway through it.

I was like, oh, this is the way I should have been doing this the whole time.

Like, sometimes you have that.

The cameras go on and all of a sudden something clicks and you realize the final piece of the puzzle that you never realized where you just go,

oh my God, I'm like having fun with this in a new way and I never did it this way before.

And it's making it this whole new thing.

And like,

that happened on that final taping.

It was weird.

The best was Joe was trying to have a heartfelt moment afterwards.

He was like, he was like, guys, that's it.

It's the last time he's ever going to do this material.

He's been doing it for years.

So it's like, he knows, like, I'm done with it now.

So it's like an emotional moment for a comedian.

Just like,

it's, it's, you toss this stuff into the wind and let it like fly on its own.

And he goes, Steve Byrne came down here out of his own bank.

Like, he just said, like, you need an opener.

I'll fly down here for free.

You're going to have to pay me.

And then Steve Byrne's in the back.

He's already drunk.

And he goes, we never agreed on no payment.

Who told you that?

It was just fun.

But then you're like, is Ari here?

And you call me up, and you're trying to have this heartfelt moment.

And imagine Joe's there and I'm here, and the crowd is over that way.

Well, and I'll tell, let me explain the heartfelt moment, too.

So, so I call Ari up.

Switch seats, switch seats so they can fucking see what we're gonna say.

Okay, because this is where the crowd will be where the camera is.

So, yeah, go ahead.

So, Arizona,

yeah, Ari

Ari Spears.

One time I got an email from the improv saying, we want you to come down to Comedy Juice.

And they said, hey, Aries, we want you to come down to the comedy.

And I was like, oh, I'd love to.

We got an extra spot open.

And I was like, I'd love to, but I think you might have been sending this to Aries and it might have auto-filled.

Like, oh, we do.

It was like, but you have an extra spot, though, right?

Like, no, it's full.

Yeah, dude.

When I was first starting out, I got booked a headline in South Jersey at some, you know, one of those hotel makeshift comedy clubs or whatever.

And I got there.

I was doing it long enough that

when they saw me, they were like, hey.

But then they were like, what are you doing here?

And I was like, what do you mean?

I'm like, I'm here to do the show.

And they're like, no, we booked Joe DeVito.

And I'm like, no, you didn't.

You booked me.

And they're like, oh, shit.

Well, I guess just do the show, I guess.

And that was, you know,

anyway.

But

the,

oh, oh, so I was trying to have a heartfelt moment with Ari because

Ari was the guy that during COVID, when I said, I'm not going to do comedy anymore or whatever.

He said, it's too hard.

I'm not fucking headlining.

What's the point of getting canceled for everything on a joke that's not even bringing me?

He goes, if I'm Segura taking a chance, there's millions in it.

He goes, what am I doing for a fucking 40 bucks?

Risk my whole career.

It was miserable.

Yeah.

I think I actually did say that stuff.

Yeah.

I didn't use Segura as an example.

But like, if you're making a ton of money, it's worth the risk.

No, that's what my, I think what I was saying.

Yeah, I think what I said, actually, I think I remember.

I think what I was saying was like, guys like Tom or like Bert,

if something, I'm not saying like there's no consequence of a bad thing happening.

It sucks for anybody.

I don't mean it flippantly.

I just mean like, I was like, if something bad happens to them, there's a security blanket, at least, of, of a certain amount of success.

And I was like, I just feel like I'm at this place where it's just not fun anymore because if something does happen, I'm like, I don't know what I would do.

I would go work at Walmart.

No, I don't know what to do.

Like, whatever.

And I was like, it's so much, things had become so intense and so crazy.

And I was like, this just isn't fun anymore.

Now, also, too,

none of us were thinking extraordinarily clearly.

It was COVID.

It was a very weird time.

So I was like, I'm not going to do it anymore.

I don't like this.

I don't enjoy it.

I'm not doing fucking.

Also, another part of it, too, was everybody was doing Zoom shows.

And I was like, I'm not doing this, man.

If this is what comedy is going to be, none of us knew if it was going to come back.

It was fucking crazy.

It was weird.

So anyway,

Ari called me and was like,

you should be doing sets.

You should be doing spots.

Come on, dude.

Like, when they started opening things back up again, I was kind of half-assedly doing it.

He was like, no, no, no, you should be doing this, man.

Come on, man.

Push me, push me.

I didn't really know why, to be honest.

It just, it meant something to me on some level.

Thank you, dude.

But it meant something to me on some level that you were pushing me.

And then

when I did, and then when I was going to, and then I was back doing it, and then I was going to just shoot the hour as it was at that time, which was completely different.

It was a mistake.

Would have been a huge mistake.

And you said to me, you're like, do not shoot it yet.

It's not ready.

Dude, I had it set up.

I had hired McKeever.

McKeever was going to direct it.

And then he couldn't direct it because he had to do Gilly and Keeve shit.

Wow, that's not long.

And he called me and he was like, dude, I can't do that gig because I have to do Gillian Keeve shit.

And he goes, We can't do it another day.

And I'm contractually obligated.

I have to do it.

And I was like, well, I guess we're not shooting it.

But I remember when I told you I was going to shoot it, you said, there's no way it's ready.

And I go, you haven't seen it, dude.

It's ready.

I don't need three years or whatever.

And you went, you went, yeah, because you're the one.

You're the one that doesn't need that.

You're the one guy who just gets it immediately.

Yeah,

son of a bitch.

I was so mad.

Not mad, but I was like, fucking Ari, being a fucking Ari.

And then,

and then when I saw, and I remember you were, you were doing Jew,

and you, uh,

it was like, I went and saw the taping, and I knew how many years you worked on that.

And I went and saw the taping, and I remember this, dude.

I remember so, every conversation I'd ever had with you about like the amount of money you're putting into the special, the amount of time you're putting in the special,

all of that.

Anytime I disagreed with you, I went into Jew and I saw what you did from the backdrop

to the staging to the material, every part of it.

I was like,

this is what Ari meant.

Like, it was like very obvious.

I was like, this is what he meant.

This is so fucking good.

This is what he meant, man.

And I was like, that was like, I was like, I'm looking.

This is a piece of art.

This is work.

This is a piece of work.

This is like watching a band put out a great album.

You know?

You're just like, it was not just a live show.

It's something.

And that was was another part of comedy.

Never promised you a Rose Garden was.

Thank you.

Thank you, dude.

But that was another part of comedy that I'd become so disenchanted about where I was like, I was like, all of it is just put the camera up and it's, it's an hour of jokes

and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, yeah.

This idea, anyone could direct a special.

It's like, no, get Eric Abrams to do it and actually make it something.

So I saw that and I was like.

It was this light bulb moment.

So then that's so then when I did the residency, I did a small residency in New York and I made these

brochure, whatever the fuck they're called, playbills.

And the only person I thanked in the playbill was you because I was like, I never, oh, that's cool, man.

I was like, this wouldn't have happened without Ari.

I just know it wouldn't have.

So anyway, all of this culminates in snowballs, and it all means so much to me.

And then we finally, we shoot the special.

You're there.

First show happens.

It goes great.

My family's all at the the first show.

Yeah, the ones that give you up for adoption?

No, the fake family.

Okay.

Fake family.

Bogus family's at the first show.

I do the show.

I'm thanking people at the end.

I'm starting to get a little chokey.

Because, like you said, it's kind of emotional.

Then we do the second show.

The second show is even better than the first show.

And I'm like, okay, now I really have to thank everybody because I was like, this is it.

There's no more of this.

So I start going through everybody and I'm just, and I start getting really emotional.

And I, I see that you're standing over in the corner, and I'm like,

I don't want to say I'm going to bring him up, I want to surprise him by bringing him up.

But I was like, but I did, but I was like,

I don't want him to leave.

And I'm still trying to get through, like, thanking everybody, whatever.

And then I see, and I'm like, you're still there.

I'm like, great.

And I go, Ari, is Ari still here?

Ari.

And by the way, everybody, this is what a good fucking, not good, great friend, amazing friend, Ari is to so many comedians.

And it's one of the reasons I really feel blessed to be able to say you're one of my best friends, man, is like you will,

you support, dude.

Like, you go.

I'll be shooting a special in like Utah.

And you're like, let me get on a plane.

I want to come.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I've flown for a few years.

Yeah.

It's a big moment.

It's really.

It's so funny.

Shane's like, oh, Joe's trying to get me to special.

And I'm like,

I'm just going.

He didn't even ask me, I'm just going to go.

What do you mean?

Aren't you 30 minutes away from where he's taping us?

By the way, every invite to Shane, I go, dude, if you're around and you can come, great.

I just want to party.

Like, I'm not pressuring you.

And then he still translates that as, I'm being pressured to do a thing.

I'm like, I'm driving four hours to get there.

Yeah.

Sorry, Shane, that you weren't the 1,000% boss of this entire situation.

He got to my after-party and he goes, we got to go to a different bar where they're showing UFC.

I go,

we're not going anywhere shada i paid for this place anyway i love it i love you shan

uh anyway um so you so anyway ari supports so i look up i see him and i'm like and i'm like i got to do this last and i'm like ari come to the stage so ari walks up on stage

crowds now you yeah they're

out there yes yeah so you walk like that yeah so you stay like that they're just saying this yeah

and i start telling the entire story I just told, and I start almost crying because I'm getting emotional.

And I go, God damn it, I'm stopping.

And the crowd.

By the way, I got excited that when you walked on as a surprise, the place was like, yeah, like that was awesome.

It was cool.

That was awesome.

And then I start telling the story and I start almost crying.

And I'm getting so emotional.

And I'm like, god damn it.

And now I'm saying to the crowd, I'm trying not to fucking cry.

And they're cheering because I'm starting to almost cry.

And they're being like, come on, dude.

and I'm in my head laughing so hard the crowd has no idea what's coming because I'm just here I am regular Ari with regular beard.

Yeah, and then like at the peak of emotion you just go

Yeah, at the peak of emotion you just do that you do the I go yeah, it's all it's all really good to hear Joe

Thank you very much.

And they're just like what the fuck?

And I just know it's in my pocket whenever I want.

And I think I even turned the other way where it's more sharp where I'm like, that's interesting, Joseph.

He used to let you cry.

It was awesome.

Everybody went crazy.

It got the mushiness out of me.

I just was like, ah, you dick.

And then I just came.

Everybody clicked on the monitor.

You're going, your fucking grin, Ari, about ruining his emotional moment.

It's like, no crying.

Fuck off.

It's comedy.

I'm glad we told that story.

I want to release that clip eventually.

That's a really funny clip.

That's a great, like weird little clip to it.

But, buddy, I'm excited for you.

Guys, everybody,

go see.

So I never promised you a rose garden.

So I never promised you a rose garden.

I know.

Just I never promised you a rose garden.

And then also tour dates at joe derosa.com.

I'm out there right now touring the new hour of material.

I already said all your dates earlier on.

Oh, never mind.

And then

lastly,

oh, Joey Roses.

Please go to Joey Roses'.

Oh, yeah, get a sandwich.

I like the fat boy.

I just heard they say that's a joke sandwich, but that's my favorite one.

It's not a joke.

No, fat kid.

The fat kid.

Why is it a joke sandwich?

It's not a joke sandwich.

I don't think so.

No, it's peanut butter and jelly triple-deckered with potato chips.

What's fucking funny about that?

The way you said it serious was funny.

Well, I'm just...

I've never heard someone say peanut butter and jelly in that serious tone.

I get annoyed when dichotomy is funny.

People say things that aren't true.

He's one of your chefs.

Chefs?

That's like carried away.

Sandwich artists.

It is a great sandwich and a cool bar.

For sure, a cool hangout bar.

It's fun, man.

Yeah, come by, joeyroses.com seven days a week.

But thanks for having me, dude.

This was awesome.

You're welcome.

Thank you, everybody.

Thanks, booth boys.

I can't see you anymore because you put up this fucking you got it.

All right, till next week.

Wait, wait, wait.

How do you say goodbye in Chinese in Mandarin?

Oh, do you know?

Look it up, bro.

Shoo she?

No, shoo she's thank you.

Shushi's thank you.

Yeah,

looking it up.

Shoe size.

Shoe size?

Seven or below.

Goodbye.

What?

Zai Tian.

Zai Tian.

There's no T in it.

Zai Tian.

Z A shit.

I

A I A shit.

That woman is 100% saying a T.

Zai Tian.

She's saying Zhai Tian.

Yeah, Za Tian.

All right, Zhai Tian.

All right, Zai Chian, everybody.

She would have destroyed it at the end.

Well, everybody,

That's the episode.

Thank you very much Joe DeRosa for coming in.

That was really cool.

I mean good episode for real

Certain ones really put you there and that one put me there

Yeah, it's a wild place.

I want him to get back come talk about Tokyo because he went to this whole like

I don't know like theme area of video games, which is perfect for him

Next week's episode I think is gonna be Paul Versey talking about Italy.

Paul Verse is probably one of the best guys to talk about Italy because he's one of those fucking chef boyardies.

It might be someone else, but I think it's going to be Paul Verse.

Yeah, he went to Italy the Italian way.

Listen, guys, I've had my problems over the years with Italians.

It's not because of Paul Verse, it's just because of their overall vibe.

I like them sometimes, though.

I do like them sometimes.

They're great to have with you at Tailgate.

Go watch Joe DeRosa's special right now.

If you haven't already clicked on it, like I told you to before, click on the link right now below on the YouTube.

If you're watching, you should subscribe by the way

or on Spotify down at the bottom there'll be a link to it just click on it right now you can get back to it later just click on it right now and it will remind you later leave a comment later when you do watch it or you can watch it right now I'm telling you it's one of the best specials of the year it's on the best platform for stand-up comedy in the world youtube.com it's youtube.com slash at joe de rosa comedy leave a comment uh tell him that every comment is going uh will put two dollars towards getting him those much needed shoulder implants um I never promised Joe Rose Garden.

I was at the taping, I was at the Premiere.

It is funny.

And it is dark in a way that I'm not dark.

I'm dark, not like that.

It's like hopeless.

But he does put you back together at the end.

Go see him in Nashville, Portland, Maine, Denver, Austin.

Forget where else.

There's a couple of the cities.

Oh, and Tampa and Providence.

That's it.

Guaranteed great time, guaranteed great date.

All tickets are at JoeDeWso.com.

Guys, for myself, I'd like you to subscribe wherever you're watching or listening.

Also, if you want to get a shroom bush shirt, now's the time.

It's almost done.

I love when they don't move with a double park.

I mean, the guy's still just like washing his car.

They're honking out of, like, get out of the way so they can do the street sweeping.

And the guy's just washing his car.

Sometimes they get out of their car and they just leave it double parked in front of your car and you have to move and you start honking and they go, oh, sorry.

I'm like, oh, they don't even say I'm sorry.

They just get in there and like and you're like honking it's like you can't leave you can double park but you got to sit in it or be nearby

oh he's mad

thankless job of sweet sweeper also really doesn't do anything um

the the you'd be tripping shirts are available right now at the youtube page right below uh also the you'd be tripping stickers uh if it don't make it clear It's a six pack of stickers.

It's three colors.

Tan, blue, and clear.

The clear ones are for whatever.

Whatever you want to do.

But I'd like to see put them in your passport They look like a passport stamp on purpose abroad the guy who made the shroom fest shirts that are available right now hurry up and get them if you want to get them before the shroom fest holiday

We'll keep selling but if you want to guarantee to get them before the shroom fest holiday in your mailbox you want to order them right now

At least by the end of the week.

They're really high quality and they look really really cool

But the same guy made those made the ubi trippin' shirts, the stamp.

Wear them at your hostels, wear them on the road.

It's a fun place to take on the the road, take a picture, send it to at UB Trippin' Pod and follow that.

There's always extra pictures that they put up, extra details from the episodes, fun clips.

Follow at UB Trippin' Pod and go say hi to Heather while you're there.

But yeah, put those stickers up in crazy places like at Ann Frank's house.

Maybe not.

All sorts of places, from the Louvre, and anything, you know, put up a Ubi Trippin' sticker and let them know that you were there or in your water bottle or whatever.

But it's a cool thing to put up somewhere in the world.

Nice.

That's the episode, everybody.

I hope you enjoyed.

Thank you.

Today's episode was edited by Alan Cappy.

It was produced by your mom's house network.

The number one comedy network in the world.

New podcasts all the time.

Look no further than you'll be tripping.

I mean sorry.

YMH for all your podcast quality needs.

And go see Tom's Tom's, what's it called, too?

TV shows.

Really good.

Bad thoughts.

Some of them are really funny.

I like, well, I'm not going to ruin it, but I like the, I'm not going to ruin the part, but the

Gun for Hire guy was great.

The old age.

Anyway, I don't want to get into it.

That's the episode, everybody.

Until next week.

Sure, sure, everyone.

Goodbye.

Go watch a DeRosa special.

I'm telling you, it's great.

I never promised you a Rose Garden.

It's really, really, really good.

I'm not joking.

Go see it right now.

Go see it right now.

Ah, sunburn.