Why Rob Iler Wanted Tom Whacked | Your Mom's House Ep. 832

Hey everybody, this Sunday, October 19th, I'll be in Hanover, Maryland at the hall at live during my come together tour.

Then next week, I'm coming all across Indiana, Gary on October 23rd, West Lafayette on October 24th, and Fort Wayne on October 25th, and Bloomington, October 26th.

Get your tickets right now at tomsgirl.com/slash tour.

Welcome!

Welcome to your mom's house

This Friday.

I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Ansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics Rave.

He's haven't sent.

Kinda.

You were very unhelpful.

Good Fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

Red at R.

Hi, what's everybody?

Oh, this is my camera.

I'm Christine.

Tim is out touring, probably has a second family that he needs to support.

But with me in his place, is the fantastic Rob Eiler.

Everybody, welcome.

Wow.

Thank you.

You told me Tom was in rehab for eating disorder.

That's right.

I forgot about that.

Yeah, I didn't want to put it out there, but yes, he's not.

People have noticed.

I still have to say it.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I thought it was just...

him leading up to having an affair and abandoning me because that's where my mind goes because I'm mentally normal.

But he could do that fat.

He has enough money where he could just be fat and fuck.

Oh, that's such a good point but yeah that's so true but i was but i've always heard that it's like when guys change their appearance and stuff like that's the first step so i don't know yeah good luck with that give a shit yeah but the good thing is it's just in rehab who cares no i don't care i'll be single uh forever anyway if tom and i go splitsville i'm just

I'm just gonna have more cats and dogs.

Yeah, well, you could live the life.

We call it the lifestyle.

The single lifestyle.

Yeah, like how the swingers have the lifestyle.

Oh, yeah.

I have the single lifestyle.

We call it the lifestyle.

The lifestyle.

The lifestyle.

Yeah.

Where you don't have to, me and Ennie were just talking about, where you don't have to worry about other people's feelings.

That must be nice.

You don't have to meet people's friends and pretend to like them, which is the number one

worst part.

Do you think that's the worst part?

Or

learning their triggers and what makes them sad and what upsets them?

No, because

that I could at least get into.

Like I could find it interesting that someone's like crazy.

Or when your friend is an asshole and I'm supposed to be like, like oh they're so funny like

yeah that's no that's great that they're like loud and like annoying and drunk and I think it's charming yeah it's so weird because I had an ex-boyfriend whose friends were just awful people but he was a really good person and I've always thought about that for for years like what was that guy doing with all these like dirt bags.

What do you think that is?

I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

Maybe he felt that he wasn't good enough enough to have good friends or maybe just like the excitement of dirtbags

because i don't know dude i don't know fucking let's call him you think that's why he was with you

well i'm for sure mentally ill

yeah all right well should we uh thanks for being here and taking tim's place and this is gonna be fun because you really know the show for those of you who don't know rob eiler is a mommy um that's how we connected in the first place many years ago you like your mom's house you've listened to your mom's house.

Yeah, I moved to Austin.

That's true.

Yeah.

I'm a bit of a fan.

That's really true.

Yeah.

But the real honor is that when you have to do a solo show, you call me.

And when Tom has to do a solo show, he calls me.

That's an honor.

Like just having me on is one thing.

But when you're like, oh man, we got to do this with no one, can you come do this?

I'm like, yeah, it's fucking great.

It's a true honor.

Because you're a soul mommy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're definitely mommy by soul.

Also, I don't know if you do know this, the fart mic has returned.

So, if you feel the need to fart,

go ahead.

Okay, I'll try and muster one up.

I had short ribs last night.

Well, there you go.

I'll try and pump it up.

All right,

let's start with this beautiful opening.

Beautiful:

a fat woman is the you know equivalent of what a broke dude is.

Yeah, nice, mommy.

Timing, timing.

Wait a hit the post.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Yeah.

With Tom Segura Tomb Isler and Christina Pascal.

Meow Jit Christina.

Welcome to your mom's house.

Meow meow, meow meow, meow meow.

A fat woman.

What does he say?

Let's do it again.

A fat woman is the, you know, equivalent of what a broke dude is.

I mean,

what do you think?

It's not untrue.

I hate to say this.

Yeah, I mean, because listen, what I think is they both have their, they could still both do well somehow out there.

Like, you know, broke guys do well, fat chicks do well.

That's true.

They still somehow,

you know, they can pull.

Fat broads.

Yeah, but you're, yeah.

Okay.

Okay, this is a good topic.

Let me go there.

So I started working out at a gym, and I used to work out at a weightlifter's gym where there was like toothless men, guys missing limbs, like war veterans.

And it was so fucking fun.

Like, I really liked it.

This is here?

Yeah.

Wow.

It's like heavy metal and murals of like skulls and shit.

And I was like the only lady there.

Wow.

And I was catching some looks.

You know what I mean?

I was like, wow, I still got it.

And now I go

with your legs.

I know.

Walking in here.

Your legs and your teeth.

Yeah.

And now I go to like a hot girl gym where it's all like super nice older hot ladies and they're all in their Lululemons and they don't have to cover their bellies or their butts and i'm like oh okay now i now i see where i am in like the pecking order so there's no men allowed no they can be there are men there but it's where when i go it's like hot skinny like ladies we gotta talk after i gotta figure out i gotta hear where i gotta hear where this is but the currency

totally is i feel like like you go so the point being like yeah i could pull guys but they're probably not you know

super duper if I'm like super husky, right?

I think social media has made people such assholes that, like, even if you're fat or broke or whatever, all you have to do is be like fucking cool and like understanding and not an asshole now.

And I think you could do pretty well.

Like,

cause when I, when I was younger and everything, like, I, I was, I wanted a girl who was like, I would see my friends get a girlfriend who like wasn't very hot.

but they were like, no, but she's the best.

And I'd be like, what?

Like, I didn't even get it.

But now that I'm older, I'm like, all I want want is a woman who's like, hey, you don't have to come to my friend's birthday with me.

That's all I want to hear.

Like, I don't, I don't care about anything else.

If she's like, hey, I want a girl who hates going to things as much as I do.

So she'll be like, hey, I have to go to this thing.

You can stay home.

That's all I want to hear.

But she can be fat.

How fat?

Well, but I'm just saying, listen,

I'm a lunatic, but there's, there's, she can do very, but I'm not even like doing well, like, as far as like for a woman.

But like, I think a woman can be fat and still do very well.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

But how fat are we talking about here?

Like just

what's fat?

I don't know, but that's the thing.

The standards are so different.

Here, have you ever heard what Carl Lagerfeld has to say on it?

Neona, go ahead and play.

It'll be okay for women to be fat in the future.

I'm afraid, yes.

But not okay now.

No.

There he goes.

Anyway, that's all he says.

He's, quote, fat phobic by today's standards, but in like the early 2000s and before,

he was like right on you know listen i i think it's great to be fat the only reason not to be fat is because you want to attract a mate after that it's like who could like i sometimes like i'll gain like you know a few pounds in the belly and like i don't give a fuck like i just it's more so my face like i have the irish round face that like once if i gain five pounds it looks like it all goes to my face look nobody likes to be i i don't ever like to be over

but i will say and i i think that men behind closed doors when they're being honest and they talk about their wives they're like dude I just don't like it if she's fat.

Am I right?

Am I fucking, please?

I've never been married.

I don't know.

I don't know what you, if you actually just married either.

I don't know if you just love your wife or whatever.

Like, if she gains some pounds, but I know, like, when you, but listen, I think, like, I don't know, if a girl is a little overweight, but she's fucking awesome.

Like, I take that now that I'm 40.

When I'm 20, it was like, no, I want hot and don't care if she's crazy.

Where now I'm like, yeah, but I'm also in the camp of like, I wouldn't date someone who doesn't go to the gym, but that's not because I want you to be skinny.

It's because I want you to get your fucking anger out somewhere else.

Just not on you.

Just not at home.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

I want you to get that out so like you're, you know, like

I'm way more

less likely to like argue after I leave the gym.

Oh, yeah.

It completely balances your life out.

You have to get that out.

Yeah.

See, I never cared about weight or

muscularity with men.

Is that the word?

I don't know.

I I never sound smart.

Yeah.

I mean, I like these fucking homos, like these guys, these like Fae,

like frail looking.

Yeah, like Dave Gaunt, like skinny, Peter Murphy, skinny, or just like.

Yeah, that's that's yeah, that's weird.

Yeah.

I know.

I think I am a femme boy.

I think I might be gay man, woman.

What am I?

I don't know.

So it's slowly happening, even here where I live, where the sun is going to start cooling off and it's going to get a little bit colder.

and I can't wait.

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short spanish girls with a little weight on them like when i was younger and then i started hanging out like when i would go to clubs and hang out and all these like guys in clubs they liked girls who were skinnier and that just became like the women who were around more so i started leaning more towards that even though like my true

thing is like a little like short Spanish girl.

Like, that's how I really, that's how I was brought into this world.

Loving that.

Yeah.

But then you, you know, you change.

See, and, and I, I, my first sexual dream was about John Goodman.

I was like 13 or 12 and I just loved, I've always had a crush on John Goodman.

And so when I met Tommy,

he was heavier.

And I was like, like, it was a deeply rooted,

like shameful, weird thing that I kind of liked husky gents.

I can just picture you calling your girlfriend after the first date and being like, God, he's like a young John Goodman.

And they're like, what?

You're like, I think I'm going to marry this guy.

Oh, I knew I was going to.

I just, I loved him.

I just loved it.

Oh, wow.

Look at John Goodman in 1962.

When you go to that one on Facebook, he looks like Ralph Macchio.

I know he's so adorable.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Wait, he looks like

Who's

not him?

That's Elijah Robbie.

Okay, yeah, that man.

I was thinking that, I was like, who's played Frodo?

I was going to say it looks like him.

Yeah.

Frodo turned into John Goodman.

That's so stupid.

Well, we got to see John Goodman as a kid now.

Do we have that?

What did he look like?

Oh, I bet he was adorable.

Is John Goodman still alive?

You know, when people are Googling that for you, that's fucking bad.

Yeah.

Oh, he's cute.

See?

He's just so American and so like,

he just seems like he could protect you.

You know, people who Google is John Goodman still alive, it takes them like 10 minutes to Google it because they're the people who like loved Roseanne like 30 years ago.

Now they're like, hold on, let me see.

They're like, is?

I think people still secretly love the show Roseanne Carl.

Oh, of course.

I don't think it's a secret.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at him.

So handsome.

The big Lebowski.

Come on.

I don't know.

I always liked heavier guys.

Even growing up.

My dad's fatter friends.

I just like those old Hungarian guys with bellies.

And to me, it's kind of like a laissez-flight, like, I don't, you know, like, they're not so uptight.

They're not so, so disciplined.

Like, they can enjoy life or something.

Maybe that's

or they're just slobs.

And maybe they're not afraid that I'm a slob.

Maybe that's the truth to it.

Is that my standards get to be lowered, which is really the best part.

I don't have to try so hard.

Yeah, they're not super anal about stuff.

Yeah, I would fucking really hate that.

Now, speaking of dating, you're in the dating world.

I've got some gals for you.

Hold on.

Ooh, okay.

Let's take a look at these ladies.

You tell me if any of these

ring your bell.

Here we go.

Hi, I'm Ashley Glendon, number 96336.

I really want some fun and positive people to help pass my time.

I love to laugh and I have a spunky attitude.

Don't be shy.

Hit me up on jpay.com.

And big shout out to Prison Connect.

Can I tell you, yes?

Yes.

I'm a sucker.

Listen, if I

wasn't.

Oh, shit, Sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Oh.

It's still going.

She gave you a body shot, dude.

Wow.

She gave you full fucking.

See, if I didn't know better, I'd be all in.

But I know better.

You know what I mean?

Like, I know that this woman will try and like, she'll come ruin my life and

all that stuff.

Yeah.

But if I didn't know that, I'd be in love.

I'd be like, who is this angel?

Because you could meet her out in a bar or whatever in the street.

Yeah.

And she's like, I can't.

Yeah, not you.

Not me.

Okay, so here's the deal.

Do you want to know what she did?

Ooh.

Like, I tell you what her offenses are.

Do you want to guess?

And we'll see if that makes me like her more or not.

I'm going to say she did something with a guy where they like robbed somebody.

It's always a guy, right?

I think so, too.

Like, none of these chicks are initiating.

Well, some of them.

Whatever.

Some of them.

Some of them are crazy.

Like this one just seems she's showing guy hungry.

So I think maybe that led her down the wrong path.

Guy hungry.

You know, where other women, you you just see a woman that's like, oh, she looks angry.

She might have just beaten a woman up or beaten someone up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Might have beaten up a parking lot attendant to death.

Are you ready?

Mm-hmm.

It's good.

She's good.

First of all, here's the good news.

She's out in February of 2028.

I have an issue.

Go ahead.

This is from an app where you date inmates.

They shouldn't put the word pay in the name of the app.

JPEY.

No, you can give them money.

But that's what I'm saying.

That should, it should come as like, oh, actually, you know what?

You could also send me money.

But when the name of the app is J, like, at least lure me down a thing of like sexy in, you know, like

lonely.

What was the reason for that?

Do you guys remember this thing?

Residents from Jaypee.

I don't want pay to be the first one.

Yeah, like, I think he's saying, like, it's very forward to just start with the money.

It might as well be like, hey, sucker, the name of the app.

I know.

I agree.

They should have nitpicked.

But then what could they call it?

Like, what's a Facebook for criminals?

Lonely women.

Locked and lonely.

Yeah.

Locked up broad.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Anything but like, where's the money?

Jay, I agree.

That's a horrible name.

This is where you put money on their commissary.

Right.

That's not where the dates.

All right.

Are you ready to hear what this broad did?

Okay.

Controlled substance possession of.

Fine.

Yeah, big deal.

And grand theft

by any common law larceny, embezzlement, extortion, or receiving stolen goods.

I mean, that's not receiving stolen goods.

Who doesn't do that?

When I was growing up, I was like, hey, this fell off the back of a truck.

What are you going to do?

Say no to a criminal?

You got to take it.

I know.

Grand theft by any common law larceny.

I'm not sure what that means.

What does that mean?

Have you ever gotten one of them to FaceTime in?

No.

Please, no.

I would have loved to talk to her.

So, Ashley's definitely, that's a thumbs up still.

Oh, all day.

If she was anywhere anywhere else, like let's say she was in like a nunnery and had this video, I'd be like, we got to break her out.

We got to get her out.

But knowing that she's in prison, she'll probably try and like take my money and ruin my life.

I instantly go like, no, I can't.

I can't do that.

Oh, so here's what she did.

Unlawfully taking, carrying away, and permanently depriving the owner of personal property that exceeds a certain monetary value.

Okay, big whoop.

So she stole something from some dude or whatever?

She could have been mad at somebody, been like, oh, I'm taking the dog.

That's stupid.

I agree.

She's minor.

I think Ashley's still a good candidate for you.

i liked how she backed up and gave you a full body shot apropos our earlier discussion of like you know fat women are like broke men she's showing you the goods she's saying i'm thin everywhere so she's not luring you in because on the profile on the dating apps thin everywhere yeah like on the dating apps Can't they lure you in with like a nice face pic, but then the body could be totally different.

They can lure you in with a full body pic and then you see and you're like, this is not the body in the pick.

Really?

They do totally different.

They can can do full.

Yeah, they can trick you in any.

They take a picture in like a black shirt and pants in front of a black wall.

And you're like, I think,

I think that's all right.

Yeah.

And then you meet up and you're like, oh, man.

Good thing this wasn't dinner, you know?

So what do you do with them?

Like coffee or you do like a fast?

Oh, you don't drink coffee.

Yeah, well, we'll do whatever.

But then, you know, there are some times where you know right away, like, this is going to, like, I remember the last girl who I dated for like a long period of time, we met on an app and right away I was like, no, I know this is legit and like yeah i got on a plane to go meet her where because it was uh miami wow and yeah the best it was incredible but we just

you know it was uh

one of us was gonna have to move and it just didn't feel right and it was unfortunate but yeah now she's in prison yeah there's her that's actually

let's see this one but it does feel like she's blowing these kisses to everybody which i don't like i'm jealous you know i'm a jealous kind of guy yep i understand what you're saying guys want to think that you're you're gonna give the goodies goodies only to them.

Yeah.

Only to Rob.

The kisses are only for Rob.

Yeah.

The showing off of the body is only for you.

Yeah, I don't even like

when a girl on a dating app, like their first thing is like, let's not chat.

Let's just meet right away.

I'm like,

yeah,

I want to make sure we're not wasting time.

Like if right away, I know, I'm like, hey, do you drink wine every night?

Because if he has to buy,

I can't do it.

Like, I just, I don't drink and I don't want somebody who's drunk all the time.

That's no problem.

So, like, I have to get those things out of the way where, like, a lot of these women are just like, nope, we meet right now or nothing.

I'm like, goodbye.

I can't.

Like, they, cause you know what it is?

They've gone down the path.

Like, a lot of them say, like, I don't want a pen pal.

They've gone down a path before where a guy just like

talked to them forever and then never met them.

So now they're like, I won't even talk to you.

Like, just meet me or nothing.

Wow.

Which I'm the opposite.

I'm like, no, I need to know you're not crazy before I go and meet you because I'm not dying for a relationship.

So if you're like crazy or in prison or blowing everyone kisses or what, like, I can't, if you committed grand larceny, it might be a no for me.

Wow.

Fascinating, man.

Yeah.

It's brutal out there.

It is.

Okay.

So here's Kylie Michelle.

Hot name.

Yeah, here she goes.

Let's see.

Hi, my name's Kylie Jackman.

My number is 110-819.

I'm in Pocatella Women's Correctional Center.

I have blue eyes and thick thighs.

You can hit me up on JPEG.

You know, I'm scared to like really say absolutely not to some of these women because I'm like, they're whoever somebody might come and get me.

But you know who she, and listen, I don't want to be rude, but she kind of reminds me of is the person who, remember back in the day, there was that toy that you would get and it was like a bald guy and you would put the hair on him.

Oh my god, yeah, have a good kid.

It's a magnet.

Can you look that up?

What is that called?

When you put the Woolly Willie?

Yeah, Wooly Willie.

Yeah, can you get a picture of that up?

Because I'm getting strong vibes from her.

I know you're talking about it's the nose.

Yeah, see, when it has the no hair?

Yes.

Yeah, that's kind of

similar.

And so similar, not to be rude, but I just want to say that's not my type.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Woolly Willie is not something I...

Hey, don't you dare put down Kylie.

Because I will tell you that Kylie, first of all, she's wife material.

I think Kylie...

Especially at a man of your age and where you're at, she might be your fucking ride or die bitch.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, and I, and judging by these offense, I'm going to go with that.

She's like a ride or die.

Do you want to know what she did?

But here's the thing.

I think you want a ride or die who's like a nine ride or die.

Cause if you go too far.

Too scammy.

What are you talking about?

You want that girl to be able to do that?

No, because then if you're like, oh, this fucking girl, like, I went to go get a to the gym and she wasn't nice to me.

And then she goes and like cuts her.

And then you're like, oh, now I got to be putting stuff in her JPEG.

Fucking every week because she cut her for me.

You want a nine-rider die.

A 10-ride or die is a little too

right.

because you're saying that she's going to be too protective and too invested in the relationship.

She doesn't want to lose you because she's so like clingy.

You did what's in my man.

I want calm.

You know what I mean?

But what, yeah, what did she commit?

Maybe.

I'm totally wrong.

No, you're going to like the way you look.

I guarantee it.

Because Kylie is like, this is like a nothing burger.

Controlled substance possession of and burglary out.

Oh, I'm so sorry for judging you.

Yeah, that's a nothing burger.

And she's out in in 2026.

Oh, congrats on good behavior.

Hopefully, we'll see.

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Yeah, I don't think Kylie, I don't know.

No privacy, huh?

If me and her are talking, there's just the whole crews in the back, huh?

So she burgled and she has some drugs on her.

Big fucking deal.

So

what?

What are you going to do?

Drugs and not rob people?

Yeah, that's the whole point.

Yeah, of course.

You're gacked and you steal, right?

Yeah, you burgle.

Yeah, you do some blow and you burgle.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't think, okay, whatever.

No, I think she's probably a sweetheart.

She's just, she's just unfortunately not my type.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The first one was more when she's blowing fixes.

I see where you're at.

Yeah.

Snob.

Hey, what's up?

My name is Chanel Martinez.

Like it.

My number is 114-568.

I'm located in Idaho.

I'm looking for friends, good company, someone to talk shit with,

emotional and financial support.

Uh-oh.

I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

Okay.

Hit me up on JPEG.

See, it's so hot the way she's holding the phone.

See, a lot of them, sometimes like a rapper.

So hot.

Yeah, they're kind of holding it.

She's like, I want your money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's very, yeah.

She's, but listen, I got to say, but maybe it's just good to be honest, but I don't like the approach of like, I want your money right away.

It turns me off.

Like, first 10 seconds, I was like, this could be the one.

And now it's just a no.

Yeah.

Well, here's what I like about

Ms.

Martinez.

She had like the rhyme thing going, you know?

Here for a good time, not a long time.

Yeah.

Like, I like when they're clever.

She comes, she came up with that.

That shows like she's got a brain on her.

She's creative.

I don't know if she came up with that, but

or maybe she adapted, but she adapted it and used it.

And I really like that.

She is a younger inmate.

She's only 30 years old.

Looks great.

So she's got youth on her side.

She's good looking.

And she wants to have fun and conversations.

Great hair.

Great hair.

I like her a lot.

Okay, do you want to know what she did?

Yeah.

This one's interesting.

I've never even seen this.

Martinez was found to be using mood-altering substances for which she had no prescription

for which she received a Class B disciplinary offense.

What does this even mean?

Found to be using mood-altering substances.

Aren't there all these cities where, like, people are like, we arrest people 37 times and they're fine, but then this girl is just like doing drugs?

Who cares?

Oh, here we go.

Oh, sorry.

I should have kept reading.

Yeah, the upside-down phone said maybe she did a little,

a little something.

We don't know.

Can you guess what mood-altering substance it was?

What do you think?

What are you thinking she's doing?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, me.

Did she get a full

methamphetamine?

And that Martinez tested positive for methamphetamine while in custody on her writer.

Hmm.

Oh, in 2023, she was convicted of possession of heroin and fentanyl.

Well, I don't know.

Okay, now sucks.

Yeah.

Big deal.

And then short while, okay, maybe she deserves

a little timeout.

Yeah, no, I think it's fine.

But listen, fentanyl, I wasn't around in the

drug time wasn't fentanyl.

I know.

Fentanyl looks real bad, man.

Yeah, it's real bad.

I don't know.

It doesn't look like a, I don't know.

Like, I know a lot of people who started out doing a drug, were having fun, and then, and then it became bad.

We're like, I don't know anyone who's like, dude, this fentanyl shit's awesome.

And then it goes bad.

Like, it just seems like day one of fentanyl is as bad as the rock bottom of everything else.

Do you take fentanyl voluntarily, or isn't it just in drugs now that like it's mixed in and it kills you?

I thought that was good.

Both.

But some people do it.

Yeah, some people are doing it just for kicks.

Well, I will say it is pretty spectacular.

When I broke my ankle, they gave me me a fentanyl patch in the amber lamps.

And I fucking really loved it.

I was like, what is this?

I think I've told you this before, but when I was going through my, like, you know, getting off of drugs and all this stuff, I remember hearing all the stories.

And there was one

actor, wife, and husband in Hollywood, and their son was born, like, you know, probably had a really odd life the whole, like growing up with parents who were famous and whatever.

When he was 18 or whatever, he was such an addict that he threw himself down a flight of stairs to get in the ambulance and go to the hospital to get pain meds.

Wow.

That's like,

you're really committed.

Wow.

Yeah,

that's a real.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's so, that's interesting.

I was reading

this book about

Marina.

She's a fucking.

Would you look her up?

She's a performance artist.

Why can't I remember her?

Marina.

Marina Del Rey.

Marina Del Rey.

She's from like Belarus.

God damn it.

Anyway, she's from this old school communist country.

I'm obsessed with her.

Yeah, Abramovich.

Marina Abraham.

Oh, she's a performance artist.

I'm reading her book, her

autobiography.

And she goes, When I was a little girl, I had a bleeding disorder and they put me in the hospital for like a month.

You think it was the worst time of my life, but it was the best.

They were so nice to me there.

And my family had to be nice to me when they came to visit me and bring me sweets and toys.

And I was like, oh, I totally totally understand that.

Yeah.

I fucking wish I had gotten to the hospital when I was a kid.

Yeah, I did.

I had such bad asthma that I would end up in the hospital, but I hated it.

Oh, yeah.

Because you can't really like, you'd be in the bed.

I didn't like being, as a kid, you want to run around.

You don't want to be in like a hospital bed.

It was, it was.

brutal.

I mean, they, they, didn't they give you inhalers and stuff to prevent you from being hospitalized?

You know what's so funny is like now that I'm an adult and I'm like, how come I haven't had an asthma attack in 20 years?

I'm like, oh, because when I was a kid, like, we just didn't listen.

Like, they were like, hey, you can't do this.

You You can't be around cats, you can't be around dogs.

And you just, as a kid, you're not thinking about that all day.

So, like, you go to somebody's house, they have a cat, you don't know.

Next thing you know, you're like,

like in the fucking hospital.

And I remember we went to like a show one time that had like fake smoke, and I ended up in the hospital.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it was all, I had such bad asthma.

But my uncle also has asthma because we grew up in a fucking tiny apartment with everyone smoking cools.

And we both have fucking horrible asthma.

Yeah, my grandmother smoked, my great-grandma smoked Paul Mauls, and my grandma and grandpa smoked Kool's.

And they would just chain smokes.

Bring those up.

Let's take a look at Paul Mauls and Kool's.

Cools are menthol.

I remember that.

Paul Maul, that's like.

I think it's a red pack, if I remember.

Yeah, with white, like windmills on it or something.

That is real.

A red pack, yeah.

Oh, it's so cool.

But that wasn't the one that she smoked.

She smoked the one with no filters.

Like that one.

If you click on the one that the thing is on right now yeah that's what she that was always in the crib yeah wherever particular people congregate huh oh wow yeah god

imagine just like sitting in the apartment smoking cigarettes with your son and his like wife all day with their kids all around like it must have been just so crazy such garbage you know what else i look back on when i look at when i lived with my like grandparents and everything like And maybe I'm wrong about this, but my memory is I didn't have one toy.

Like, I remember other times in my life where like you had these toy, but I just remember, like, I had my own chair.

It was like a neon little plastic chair that they would sit right in front of the TV.

And I was just like, oh, well, there was just smoke in the room.

Like, and I was just sitting there watching TV all day.

But I just don't, like, I know there were times in my life where I had toys, but just that time where I lived with my grandparents, I don't think that they were like, oh, let's get him toys.

Like, let's say it was just like, no, oh my God, that apartment was, you would lay in bed.

So I slept on the pull-out couch in between my grandma and grandpa.

And you would hear, as soon as the lights would go off, it was like like

and it was it was mice oh cocker roach every and it was just the fuck and then you would hear one get like caught on a trap and it would be like

and my fucking grandparents would just sleep right through it and i was in the middle of the fucking pullout couch just like please i want to be anywhere

you know

and they didn't have the fucking they didn't have remotes yet so they had a block that sat over by the tv and you had to walk over and push because it was like instead of just turning the thing.

And I remember it being like, go change the channel.

And like it would just be like, oh, like, fine, we'll just watch this.

Like, you know, and it was like, fuck, I don't want to watch this.

And they had like this thing you pushed these buttons down on to change the channel.

It's old, old, yeah.

God, it sounds worse than communism.

You guys sound more poor than my parents.

But what's funny is like, I look back on that and I'm like, that was great.

Like,

it was just like, I remember bedtime was really not great and scary and everything.

But like up until that, it was my grandma was the best.

She loved you.

She loved me but also like you know my parents were very young so like it didn't feel like they were passing on these like life lessons to me ever where my grandma would be like no you don't do that this way you do it this way and then i would do something a different way and it would be easier and i'd be like wow that's so nice where like my my my parents were 18 so like when they were when i was four they were like 22.

i think about me when i was 22 i didn't have a single lesson to pass yeah what are you teaching to a four year except yeah i knew nothing here's how you drink yeah yeah and especially like i would know even less if i got pregnant at 17 or 18 and then i don't i don't know if my mom like even finished high school that because she was pregnant and it's like that must have been so crazy but she knew to make you an actor well she was the good somebody on the street was like this guy should be an actor and she was like yeah let's go on auditions and see what happens amazing

amazing yeah isn't it wild to think like you were in that

I because I think I look at the life that my kids have today and like my youngest is seven now.

And I'm like, Julian, when I was your age, I was already like, I was on my own, bro.

Like, I could already use the stove.

I was cooking.

I was alone a lot.

And he's like, really?

Is that true?

I'm like, yeah, dude.

Our parents didn't give a fuck.

There was no idea of like, you know, someone would call CPS on you or whatever.

They just left you there.

You know, you were a latch key kid.

It was wild.

Or even my dad, like partying, like, like, I'd wake up in the middle of the the night and you're like who's in the house what's happening oh

where's this drunk people it's awful see with us it was more like uh like letting people stay like it wasn't like random people would just pop in but it was like oh like this is this person this person and this person they're staying with us for months and you're just like nope oh okay but in the apartment in the apartment but the thing that like i do like when i look back with my mom and i'm so grateful for is like when i hear people who are like yeah my mom never said she loved me i'm like woof that's gotta fuck you up because at least my mom was always like I love you the most like you know she'd be like I love you you know where I'm like God I can't imagine like for 18 years never hearing your parent be like I love you

any

you think you and I are pretty equal on this one Yeah, I haven't, you know, I didn't hear my dad say any words for like 20 years.

So yeah, I love you wasn't on the top of that list.

Yeah, I don't think we said that very often either.

Me and my dad say I love you to each other like once a year when like something bad happens, yeah, yeah.

You know, dads are generally a little more, yeah, you just don't, but I don't want him, I don't want him to say I love you to me all the time.

I'm so,

I remember feeling so scared of having a real conversation with my parents, like, the thought would make me nauseous if one of them would be like, Let's let's sit down and talk.

I'm like, Well, first of all, that never really happened, but I think the thought of it makes me want to puke like that level of intimacy with these folks.

Like, I don't know,

yeah, all right, I'm good, yeah, good.

I think my grandpa or like

my dad like, I don't think of it.

What are you trying to do?

What is this?

What are we talking about?

What do you do?

Yeah.

Like, what did you see the game yesterday?

And you're like, oh, yeah, I saw the game.

Yeah, it sucked, huh?

Like, you know, so much better.

But I also always think about like, you know, growing up, it was very much like, as soon as you sat to like, I haven't seen somebody, as soon as you sit, you bring up bad stuff.

I hate that shit.

It was, that's how we always were.

It was like, oh, fucking, like, because it's New York City, like, oh, this fucking traffic.

Somebody just fucking did this.

And you're like, oh, yeah, you know what somebody fucking did to me?

And then, like, you just commiserate.

Yep.

You know, it's like, oh, this bad thing.

Where now like when I see people, it's like, how are you?

And they're like, you know, things are good.

That's great.

You have to hear that.

That's totally the Hungarian way too.

It's like you have to talk about everything that's awful in your life straight away.

And I fucking hated that.

Like when we go visit relatives in Budapest and you sit down on the hard fucking kitchen wooden furniture and then, well, you know, Tundi has his heart problems.

And then, you know, Gabor has his problems.

And And I'm like, I don't want to fucking hear this.

I don't want to hear any of your problems.

Your problems make my dicks off, to quote my husband.

Yeah, and also, like, sometimes it's okay if the people are funny.

Like, when you're with funny people and they bring up their problems, it's like they're finding humor in it.

But when it's just like, yeah, his heart's not working down.

Like, we're just counting down the days until his heart gives out.

And it's like, oh, you're worried that he might die and miss all this?

Yeah.

Like, you know, this awfulness.

Like, it's so fucking horrible.

Oh, I know.

kill me.

Okay, here's Sarah.

Are you ready?

Oh, more ladies.

I love this.

Yeah, she's hot.

Hold on.

Hi, my name is Sarah Edwards.

IDOC is 133-419.

I'm looking for someone sober, a male, about in his mid-40s, who wants to get to know me.

I'm really interesting to talk to, and I'm really fucking funny.

And

I have pre-poard in June or July, and then I see commission in September, so I'm thinking I'll probably out by September.

I'm looking forward to getting to know someone who wants to stay in contact with me.

Thank you.

I thought she was saying I have pre-boarded like the thing at the airport traveling.

I was like, oh, that's the worst.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to.

You don't like traveling.

You don't want to be a bad person.

It's the number one.

If I give you my phone right now and give you the dating app and scroll through the first 10 girls, I guarantee you

at least seven say

their whole personality is traveling.

What is that?

I don't understand.

I hope you're ready to go.

I hope I could work from anywhere.

And I hope I'm an adventure girl, and I love this.

And I hope you're ready to.

No, I'm not.

I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for any of it.

And you know what?

I felt that way for years, and I haven't budged even a little bit.

It just makes me angrier and angrier every time I see.

And I've gotten to the point where, like, I see a woman, I'm like, she's beautiful.

I bet we would get along.

But, but her number one thing is like,

it's like an emoji of like a tree on a clump of sand.

And it's like, I hope you're ready to go.

I'm like, I don't want to go.

Like, your whole personality is getting away.

Getting away from your life.

So, what's wrong with your life?

And also, who's paying for the traveling is she paying for the traveling does she expect you to pay for the traveling and just sitting on planes i know i've done it for 20 years airports

all of it is like like you just said makes my dick soft yeah like like oh look we're in the airport like

i get the same feeling being in an airport as i do when you're in a hospital yeah like when you're as soon as you go through those doors and you're just like

oh like i don't breathe as easy like the whole thing is just like oh because i like you're getting on that plane they're shutting that door it's all oh it's terrible And you're totally out of control.

They don't give a shit if the plane comes or goes.

They don't care about you and your life.

They don't give a fuck.

My OCD going through the room.

Yeah, me too.

I can't take the lack of control.

It bothers me.

Okay, so what do you think she did?

Ooh, um,

hmm.

Yeah.

See, I don't know.

I'm just.

Like, when you look at her.

I don't think it's anything too bad.

Right?

Because she seems so gentle.

She seems like a first-grade teacher.

Like, she's so chill.

She says she's got a good sense of humor.

What did she do?

I don't know.

I don't think it's anything.

It doesn't feel like it's anything that would really

bother me too much.

What'd you do?

It's not controlled substance possession of.

That's fine.

Why are these people?

She's just me and didn't get caught.

I didn't get it.

She got caught.

Drayon sucks.

Yeah.

But it's also like, if you're getting caught with drugs, you are doing something else.

Like, what are you doing?

Because who just gets caught with drugs?

Like, who's like, yo,

I was walking home yesterday.

They fucking bagged me.

Like, they knew it was in in my pocket like what are you doing that's true to be

caught like you're what are you in your car doing like why are you i would love to know why they're caught you should do drugs at home or like yeah or like even if you just have drugs on you it's like why would anyone know yeah that's so true all of my friends had drugs on them at all times when i was growing up in new york city and once a year somebody would get caught because they were doing something else yeah just don't do anything else yeah just stay home on your couch and do drugs yeah it's awesome okay but i guess maybe when you're doing those those other drugs, like the meth and stuff, it forces you off the couch and out.

That's so true.

You're so motivated and inspired.

You want to go and fuck shit up.

That's why I would never touch those uppers, man.

No, I was a big painkiller guy where you just sit on your couch.

That's my jam.

I forget if I told you, but like the arm of my couch where I kept the ashtray was hard.

Like you could go.

Because of years of just sitting there playing, I would play online poker and smoke cigarettes and take painkillers.

And when you ash, and like if it would miss the thing, it would just land on the thing and it just became rock hard like and the the this arm of the couch was a totally different color than the other arm of the couch

yeah that's perfect yeah yeah so so unattractive i go down too i don't want to be up i've already got you know enough anxiety in my life yeah i'm always looking for things to calm me down and that's what i'm that's when a when a woman is like what are you looking for in a in a partner now i'm like someone who could calm me down yeah i don't want somebody who's gonna add

yeah pressure to my you know like i'm not looking for like there are people who like, I have a friend, dude, if I, it's so illegal that I don't know if I could even tell the story on this podcast with my friend.

I don't know if I could do it.

I guess I can do it, right?

Well, it's a we'll just pull it out if we can't.

Yeah, no, I don't.

Well,

I don't know.

He was, he was dating, he was dating a girl from another country.

Yeah.

And like, basically,

right before

like Trump was coming in, the people in her country told her, like, if you, if you want, ever want to get to America, it's now or never.

Oh, smart.

And she, and she did it.

And, like, the, and he's like, I'm addicted to the chaos she brings to my lifestyle.

Like, I was talking to her in another country, and then all of a sudden, she was like, living on a boat near my house.

Like, I just, I can't say too much because it's like, and he's like, I'm so addicted to this drama that she brings.

And I'm like, I couldn't be more opposite now.

Like, I'm like, I don't even, I want someone who just brings nothing but like calm.

I'm not chilling the same way.

Like, Tom Segura is practically asleep.

And I like that.

Yeah, that's got to be.

He's just fucking.

And sometimes I have to touch him, make sure he's still alive.

And that brings me like, oh, thank God.

When is he the most animated with you?

With me?

Or like, you know, you see him the most.

So like, when do you see him the most?

Like, wow, look at him.

He's full of personality right now.

I'll tell you, the only time.

And in 20 years that he's really been like just over the moon is when he was working on that movie this summer.

Really?

He would work.

I mean, you know, you know, the the days that are like 12, 14 hour days, come home fully happy, fully energized, thrilled, best mood.

And then that mood lasted for like a month after he rapped.

He was so happy to be an actor.

I think he really loved to act.

When I was doing Tom's Netflix show, I've never been more angry in the last 20 years.

You hate it.

I remember being in the shower.

You're good at it.

Thank you.

I remember being in the shower at like 5 a.m.

one day and just thinking about killing Tom.

Like in the shower.

And when I saw him in the hair and makeup trailer I said you know what I did my whole shower this morning I thought about different ways to kill you and he loved it he's like I was like I swear it was the only thing getting me through like my whole body gets sick when I have to set an alarm for like 445 a.m.

I'm just not that and I know it's like you're spoiled you're this yes like

I just I can't I can't do it I'm not a fucking farmer like I can't wake up at 445 it's not pleasant I and I don't know if anybody's body ever really truly gets I don't know gets used to it.

Because when I was doing the road a lot, I mean, I'd take that first flight out from California to the East Coast.

And I would be up at like 3.30, 4 in the morning, get on that 6 a.m.

or get across the country to like Connecticut, fucking wake up the next morning to do radio at 5 a.m.

and you do that for two days and then, you know, it's such a grind.

And I always felt sick.

I always felt like puking.

Yeah.

Never quite rested.

And that's brutal.

I have so much sympathy for garbage men who wake up at the butt fuck crack.

Why do they have to collect garbage

that early?

Why can't they just do it?

Why?

Why so early?

Less traffic or something?

I don't know.

Can you Google that?

What is the utility?

Because that's the thing.

It's like,

I know people would be like, man, being a garbage man sucks.

It's like, I don't mind work.

I don't mind doing work, but once you say, like, you got to be here at 6 a.m.,

I just

completely shut down.

I can't do it.

To avoid rush hour traffic.

That would be awesome.

Yeah, which allows them to complete their routes faster.

But what about I'd rather work all day?

I'd rather do a job.

This is so dumb.

I know.

I'd rather do a job that took eight hours if I could wake up when I want than do something that took an hour if I had to wake up at 5 a.m.

Yeah, I feel that.

I just can't, I can't be like, I've talked about this before, but like in New York City, cab drivers used to be the angriest people in the world.

And they're not anymore because they're Uber drivers now and they get to make their own schedule.

So when you used to drive and you would get the the medallion or you had the car for eight hours, it was like, okay, if I get the car at noon to eight, I have to work from the second I get it until the second I'm done.

Where now I talk to Uber drivers and they're like, oh, at three o'clock, I turn the meter off.

I go pick up my son from school.

I make them fucking lunch.

I do that.

I get to spend time with them and they're so much happier.

For sure.

That's making your own schedule is fucking so important.

You know, that's the greatest luxury of all is to be able to manage your time the way you want it.

Boy, is that a big privilege.

Because I'm also, but maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if I was somebody who could go to bed whenever they wanted.

Like, I know some people who are like, oh, if I got to go to bed at eight, I go to bed at eight.

I cannot go to bed before 2 a.m.

Yeah.

No matter what.

Like you,

anything.

And if I do, like,

when I wake up at four for, you know, working on Tom's show, doing whatever, within three days, I'm back to going to bed at 2 a.m.

My body can't.

It's a natural rhythm.

Yeah, my body can't.

It's from when I was living in Vegas.

Like, I think my body just got hooked onto that.

Like, I used to go to bed at like 7, 8 a.m.

every day.

That's not good for you.

That can't be good for you.

Oh, yeah, it's horrible.

Body clock.

So bad.

But I think the way I balance it out was I would sleep for 16 hours.

Yeah.

You know, and then I would, I would never, I wouldn't be on a 24-hour clock when I lived in Vegas.

Like I would, let's say I woke up at noon and then I went to bed at 8 a.m.

And then I would wake up at 6 p.m.

And like I was just like, oh, I go to bed when I'm done and I wake up when I'm done.

Like I don't even think about it.

It wasn't like a bed.

There was no such thing as like, it's bedtime.

Yeah.

Well, you were on drugs.

A lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why you wanted to stay up too.

You're like, oh, I'm fucking feeling good good right now.

Like, I don't want to go to bed.

I will say, being a mother,

the one thing that I really detested about having kids, I love having my kids.

Waking up at the crack of dawn when they're little was the biggest, awfulest thing in the world.

And now that they're old enough that I can go, I know you guys are going to wake up at six.

Get on your iPads.

I'll see you at eight.

Just being able to tell them to fuck right off and get on their iPads, go make yourself a bowl of cereal.

Now parenting is like, it's a joy.

But they still come in and wake you up?

Sometimes the little guy, he wants me to wake up and drink coffee and talk to him.

And sometimes I will.

It depends.

He's really, yeah, he's cute.

He's a good conversationalist.

We have a good time.

It just depends.

We went to dinner in New York.

You want to talk about how I ruined our dinner in New York?

Wait, my kid or you?

Me.

Your kids are great.

You're disgusting.

I ruined your.

You literally looked across the table at me.

You said, don't ever do that again.

You ruined my whole dinner.

I got so much joy from that.

There's two parts.

There's two, because I don't even remember that one.

I'm thinking of the one on the street.

I don't know.

I would go, oh, my God.

But I didn't know I was doing it.

You're just like, you're talking and you're like, yeah.

And you were like, you just ruined my whole dinner.

I don't want to tell them not to bring me what I ordered.

I don't want it.

So gross.

It was so gross because you were getting over a cold.

And you're so good.

I wasn't even a cold.

It was just like I got to New York and like something wasn't right.

But I wasn't sick.

Like I felt great.

Grow up.

That wasn't even the worst of it.

So you're sucking in your snots during dinner.

And I was like, this is revolting.

And then we're walking.

You're nice enough to walk my kids and I back to the hotel.

And he's doing it again, sucking in the snot.

And then he,

he spits on the floor like an old Chinese guy.

That's what the street's for.

Can you show me a clip of an old Chinese?

That's what the street is for?

Yeah, you spit.

Not in America, Jack.

Play it, play it.

Do you have a Chinese guy spitting or horking?

We can show him.

So disgusting.

Give me a bucket.

I'll do it right here.

Oh, throw up.

There you are.

Oh, they're spitting in each other.

There you are, Rob.

It's you and your friend.

That was wild.

That's what you guys found?

That's crazy.

I thought they were kissing for a second.

I know, right?

Yeah, you're like an old Chinese guy spitting in the street.

So fucking disgusting.

So fucking disgusting.

You really hated it.

It really bothered me.

I don't like it.

It made me laugh.

So stupid.

And you were telling your kids, you're like, don't do what Rob is doing right now.

Of course.

Hey, listen, Rob.

You're an open-minded guy.

You're into your health.

Have you ever tried this?

Have you ever tried horse milk?

I don't think horses make milk.

See, this goes to the thing of like, would I rather her or the prison girl?

I think I go with the prison girl.

Unless she's doing this just because she thinks it's funny.

Then that's, then, then maybe I go with her.

But if she's doing it as like, oh no, I want to pass on like the knowledge I've learned on the farm.

I don't know.

I don't know.

If she's just doing like a gay, I just, I really struggle with the girls from prison stealing my money.

You know, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

I'd rather them like hurt me than take my money, you know?

I'd rather be like, oh yeah, she fucking stayed with me.

I don't like horses.

Because I don't want to have to go back to work.

I don't want to start having to wake up at 5 a.m.

So it's like, please just don't take my money.

Yeah, I don't think horses make milk.

I think that's jizz, right?

No, I think maybe,

oh, really?

Because I thought maybe it's like a pregnant woman horse or something.

People drink horse milk, people drink horse milk, primarily a fermented beverage called kumis.

Well,

what?

Well, it's Central Asia and Russia.

Well, yeah, there's not much much else in fucking Russia, right?

Central Asia.

Nothing.

Yeah, do horse moms feed their young?

Of course, yeah.

So then that's, that's horse milk, right?

Okay, so then why don't we drink more horse milk and make horse cheese if it's so fucking amazing?

Oh, yeah.

Would you try horse cheese?

I'll try anything once.

You know what I really want to do?

And I haven't pulled the trigger yet because there's this guy on YouTube who I watch who just, he works in like a cheese shop and he just talks about like, this is the cheese cheese we got today.

And he like cuts it open.

He has such a passion for like the cheese and then he has like butter and all this stuff.

And remember how you guys had the water sommelier on?

Oh, yeah.

I want to have the cheese guy on Not Today, Pal, but I think, I don't know if people would, I think people might hate it to just watch me and Jamie eat cheese for a half hour.

But I want to do it so bad, but I'm like, I just don't want to bore people.

But when you hear this guy talk, can you find, it's like Beverly Hills cheese shop.

If you find this guy, he talk, it's just when somebody's so passionate.

Yeah, he's just so stoked on the subject.

I get it.

That's why we loved Martin the Water Sommelier, because he was so passionate about it.

So passionate.

See, it's this guy.

It's different.

It's that, not that guy, the other guy.

That first guy, yeah, he is the man.

This guy, Alex.

And this cheese right here from Kizarai Krauss.

It's called Alex.

It just feels his whole life as cheese.

He's a super artisan alpine.

Krauss is known for being very.

I want that slice.

organic and very back-to-the-land with their farming practices.

Yeah.

This is a cheese in my hand.

It's a easel money chocolatey alpine style cheese

that is going to go really nicely with white wine.

I especially love this type of alpine with white burgundy or any other Chardonnay that has just a little bit of alcohol.

Okay, I can't watch it.

You know why?

Could you imagine if I was dating a prison girl and she saw me watching this?

She'd be like, what the fuck are you watching?

I'm sorry, it's the cheese guy.

I couldn't.

Yeah.

Why don't you like it?

Why don't you like it?

You know what it is?

For me, dairy is very personal and shameful.

I eat cottage cheese in private because I don't like other people watching me.

Dairy, too, I'm very weird about public cheeses.

Like, I know he's wearing his glove, but then he put the piece of cheese out, and this dirt bag puts his open palm out, and he gets a palm full of cheese.

Yeah, it's not very sanitary.

I don't know.

Cheese is mucus to me.

It's like hard mucus, and I prefer to eat this privately.

This is not a public thing.

Cottage cheese, I understand, because cottage cheese is gross, but like that,

I find that like sexy.

Yeah, a nice wheel of cheese, like a nice big wheel of parm.

Oh, oh.

Do you think,

you know,

I'm sure you can just buy a big wheel.

How much do you think?

Yeah,

there's cheese shops.

I've bought like giant things of cheese.

You've bottomed cheese.

Not a whole wheel.

A bottom wheel of cheese?

I burglardered.

You burgled?

Yeah, I burgled a whole wheel of cheese.

Wow.

You can buy a fucking hard.

Dude, there's like $5,000 wheels of cheese.

That's bananas, dude.

Can you look up?

Yeah, how much is a wheel of parm?

A wheel.

Parmigiano-Reggiano, $3,000.

Yeah.

Imagine you got that for someone for their birthday.

So stupid.

If I showed up to your birthday party just carrying in a big wheel of cheese, and I'm like, she's going to love this.

Well, because you know, in the Italian restaurants, they put the pasta in there and then they cheese the pasta that way.

I think those are fake Italian restaurants.

I don't think real Italians would be okay with that.

In Italy?

Wait, you don't think they do that that way?

They could even do it in Italy, but I think it's like a tourist trap.

I don't think real genuinely.

I don't think Nona is throwing the thing in the wheel.

Yeah, that's okay.

I like it.

Mommy likes her sales.

See, I think soft cheese is gross.

I think hard cheese is dope.

It's all disgusting.

Cheese is.

I don't know.

That parm looks sexy to me.

You know what my favorite is?

When you go to a good Italian restaurant and they give you free cheese right when you sit down, whoa, I'm like, this is class.

It really is.

When you're like, this is free?

Free.

Just like, fucking, oh my God.

And they're like, yeah, if you want more, we'll bring it.

Like, wow.

Yeah.

That's when I'm really

at my peak.

Yeah, you know, when I get really like excited is when they give you butter, but it's got salt on it.

Yeah.

And then you're like, wait, this is free?

Like, that's fancy butter.

Or when it's like, it's got like chives or some shit in there.

And you're like, whoa, dude, this is a regular butter.

They took time.

And then

now that there's YouTube, you could watch people make that kind of butter on the, and you're like, oh, that's so easy.

I thought it would.

Like, they take the butter, they put it in the microwave for 30 seconds.

They put like the stuff in it, mix it around and put it back in the fridge.

And then it's just, it's like infused butter.

But it seems brilliant.

Bro, I've learned so much from TikTok.

Like, I learned how to make full Korean food.

I've learned how to draw.

I've learned how to do like paper macheing.

Yeah, you can fucking learn anything now on TikTok.

Do you watch all, like, what type of people do you watch?

Like, who do you like to learn from?

Well, the experts, obviously.

But is there anything that you're drawn towards?

Like, like men, women, Asian, like, what do you feel comfortable learning from?

That's really interesting.

That's right.

I never thought about that, but that's true, Lib.

Because we all have a bias towards, I really feel like Asian men know what's up.

Yeah.

And they're calm.

They're calm.

They're knowledgeable.

And I also, whenever there's an Asian man talking, I listen.

Now, I'm also racist when it comes to my doctors.

You want Indian?

Yeah.

How did you know?

Because they're the best, right?

Best.

Aren't they?

Yeah.

I think Jewish doctors are good, too.

Jewishes and Indians.

Indian, yeah, yeah.

But when I was sick with the chesticular cancer, it was all Indians.

Really?

Yeah.

Did you have to kick any non-Indians out?

Oh, I wouldn't even go visit like a non-ethnic.

What did you ever try to bring one?

Just a woman?

In the tumbo?

You were like, no, no, no.

Yeah, sorry.

No, I wish.

That'd be funny.

So who do you trust with your information?

I don't know if it's a trusting, but I do need somebody who's like calm.

Like I need somebody who is like calm.

Or there's this guy I watch who does like a financial thing.

If you ever watch him and he has like, he's an Asian guy, but he has like a real attitude where he's like, like, he's like, you don't know that?

Like, you know, his name is Clear Value Tax, if you want to look him up.

And he just talks about the stock market and he'll be like,

he's like, all right, the jobs report is out today.

And he's like angry and it makes me laugh, but also like gives you, and I like that.

but but I need somebody who's like very chill and like calm and not gonna

yeah is that him this guy yeah how to build wealth faster even smart people miss this

I love that he wears like nice suits and stuff but he just if you if you just play like five seconds of a clip if you see that he does like annoyed right off the bat in today's video yeah I want to talk to you about financial opportunities that can fast track stupid wealth so these are works that

yeah he's already the demeanor is like come on you fucking dummies yeah and why I like that to pay him?

Because

I'm never bored watching him.

Where other people, you just feel like you're learning.

Where with him, I'm like, oh, I can't wait to see what pisses him off.

Yeah, and I'll tell you who I don't like to learn paper-macheing from is

really slow-talking older white women who are in their craft corner.

I'm like, I don't want to hear this, Martha.

It's going to take you fucking way too long to get the thought out.

I like to, now, now, now, now, now, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Give me the information.

You paper-mache now?

I do everything.

What is

what is what is paper-mâchéing?

I don't even know.

I'm not even confident.

Now that I'm an artist, I've sold art.

I draw, I do pastels, oil, pastels, and now I started,

you know, fucking, what's the shit called?

Molding?

Origami?

Claying?

Clay molding.

Yeah, I make stupid shit like this, paper mache.

See, mommy, I got to tell you,

when you were like drawing and doing your stuff, I was very supportive and I really liked it.

I don't like this.

This is like this.

This is like dirty to me.

When you start keeping these things in your house, you become dirty like in a year from now They're gonna be like covered in dust and gross and I don't want you doing that can I tell you something you're not wrong?

I don't like this I'm all I'm already upset with myself because I've bought mannequins from Amazon I'm putting paper mache on mannequins and it's like wet you have to use like wet stop this I agree this is a different thing I'm gonna throw out the mannequins and I'm just gonna go back to drawing and and painting very cool when you were doing that thank you yeah that's awesome that's like respectful this is like this is like this is like dirt yeah I feel like, I think the homeless people in New York City used to do this.

They used to paper-mâché.

I love paper-mâchéing, though.

It is fun.

This really, this puts like a source.

This is like being at the airport for me.

I don't like this.

It really makes me upset.

And none of them are good.

Well, that's because these are like the bullshit ones.

Like, if you get on TikTok and you really fucking look up some paper-mâché stuff, like, these bitches can make some really incredible pieces of art.

But

yeah, I agree.

It's kind of like, it's annoying.

It's too messy.

The wedding, the wedding.

Like, what do you, what are you collecting newspapers to do this?

Yeah,

and I was.

And I was.

I was like, don't throw out the Amazon packaging.

I'm going to make some paper machines.

Let me save you right now.

You're done with this.

You're going to go home today.

Or call.

If you have somebody working at your house right now, like a nanny, call them now and tell them to throw it all out.

So when you get home, you don't even have to think about it.

Because I don't want you doing this.

I don't like this.

No, and Tom.

You were doing your, you had your gardening.

You got your cat.

I'm supportive of all of it.

This is no good for you.

It's my era of hobbies, Rob.

I just I gotta stay hobby.

You skip this one.

I'm fine with all your other hobbies.

I think they're awesome.

When you were making your goth room in your house, you showed me the bad.

Awesome, but this is really lame.

Okay.

Well, can I tell you something?

I'm going to listen to your advice because right now in my bedroom, Tom's been gone for two weeks.

I've got boxes

right by the door of bullshit.

Boxes, like I said, the mannequins.

There's a mannequin and a box.

This is what attracts mice, my grandpa used to say.

When he didn't like something you were doing, he'd be like, that's how the the mice come.

And you're like, all right, I'm not.

No, wrong.

No, they love cardboard and paper.

You got to stop.

They're going to find like a, remember when they cleared out?

I'm going to fucking, I'm throwing it out now.

Remember when they cleared out the like Venice tents and they found like rat nests under that's what they're going to find in your in your room.

You can't do that on it.

It really makes me miss that show, Hoarders.

Remember?

Yeah.

That was so good.

Yeah, hoarders is fucking class.

The key to being a hoarder is that you have to be willing to live in your own feces.

You have to live in shit.

Cause that's all they, they live in like rat shit, their own shit.

There's just shit everywhere.

See, I love the people who like would have to climb through their place to like find stuff.

But as soon as somebody was like, I shit in a bucket and I was done.

I can't, I can't.

Then you're just a fucking, you're, it just became not.

I remember like you're, the stages, there's different types.

If you had pathways to things, you were like a contained hoarder.

Like if there were still pathways, you were okay.

I remember some of them, they found dead cats when they had 75 of them.

75 of them.

Yeah, they found cat skeletons.

Mommy, no paper-mâché family.

I'm doing it.

I think the first step to this is paper-macheing.

This is horrible.

But I can make a pumpkin for Halloween.

Yeah, that has to.

And then you're like, you can't throw these out because, and it's like, they're garbage.

That's what I'm doing.

And I'm convincing myself that the kids are going to paint the paper-mache pumpkin I made.

Guess what?

I made that pumpkin a month ago.

Nobody's fucking painted it.

Anything.

Let me save you here.

I'm very supportive of all your hobbies.

I get to,

what do you call it?

Cancel one.

I could just please, that's horrible.

Paper-mâchéing.

This is good.

You're like dipping newspapers in.

Hold on.

Is that a deal breaker if you were to date a new lady?

100%.

If on her dating profile, she's like, oh, my free time.

I like to paper-mâché.

Done.

X.

Swipe left.

I can't do it.

What about a urine drinker?

Hold on.

She drinks it for health.

Is this an either-or thing, paper-mâché or urine drinking?

Yeah, this is a separate thing.

Separate thing, then no.

But if I have to choose paper-mâché or drink urine, like maybe she's like on the cutting edge of something with the urine but you have to kiss her french kiss her

because honestly she's hot okay but i was thinking about this with with tim like what if tom now in his health craze in addition to the sauna the cold plunge he's like you know what babe you got to drink your own urine and he starts drinking his piss and i'm like yo i gotta fucking kiss that mouth but is he making you drink yours or he's just drinking his and he doesn't care what you do then i don't think that would bother you after two weeks i think you'd forget all about it but then you have to to kiss this i kiss his mouth that's so what and the beard's gonna smell like piss and everything's in the beard yeah i guess i don't clean the beard okay what about what about if this girl is a a free bleeder like one of these period advocates you know these chicks and they're like i'm not gonna be confined by cotex i'm gonna yeah just bleed on my pants and stuff i dated a girl who tried using like a cup or i was like i don't want any part of this i was done as soon as she said it there's a cup inside of her i was like i'm just i'm out again Again, I'm not like fiending for a relationship.

So, as soon as I don't like something, you know, I'm just like, I'm not somebody who's like, Why am I not in a relationship?

I fully know why.

Because I'm like, I like being alone, and I have to find somebody who it's better than being alone.

And why?

Hey, and the older and crazier you get, I agree.

This thought of yours is not wrong, my friend.

And by the way, I don't go like, I can do all this stuff, you can't.

Like, if I said I have a cup in my ass and you were like, I'm out, I'd be like, Yeah,

you know what I mean?

It's fine.

Hold on, if you could theoretically put a period cup in in your vagine to catch the blood, can't you do a diarrhea cup

for your butt?

But diarrhea is so much.

So what?

It's okay.

What?

Menstrual blood.

You can put a big

bucket in there.

You could put a big bucket in there.

Hold on there.

You could put like a long condomy length.

Can't you put something in there?

I would rather just diarrhea.

Oh, wow.

That's surprising.

Nobody's invented this.

Well, I think it's insane.

Yeah.

I think you'd sell one.

Yeah.

I don't know.

You wouldn't be able to pay for the molding once you made one and somebody

who's going to buy, it's horrible.

I could never

because think about it.

You would have, now you have this overflowing thing of diarrhea.

You have to pull out and clean.

And it's, it's just too, just diarrhea.

I get so nervous about leaving the house.

I, for a while, I...

When you have diarrhea, you're saying.

Yeah, like, there was like a time in my life where I had really bad phobia of vomiting.

And I would, this is like in my 20s.

I was so anxious.

and when I get anxious I get the OCDs and I was like I'd count the hours after I'd eat stuff so I'd be like okay I have four hours I don't have food poisoning I'm not gonna vomit and it got so bad that I was like oh god I just ate something I can't get on the freeway like I can't get on the freeway in LA because what if I'm stuck in traffic and then I'll get diarrhea you know what I mean like there has to be a solution for diarrhea on the run but it was through

you were worried about a diarrhea both both then it then it went to diarrhea but why is there no solution for diarrhea there needs to be like a diarrhea diaper.

There has to be something I think it's just a diaper.

I think a diaper is a diarrhea diaper, right?

Like little kids are always shitting.

That's true.

Like, yeah, I think just wear a diaper if you want.

Oh, wow.

You know, it just had a Pajitsky effect.

Like, I didn't think I could wear a diaper for anything other than pissing.

And now you're telling me I could diarrhea in it as well.

Yeah.

I mean, there's only one other thing.

You could also do that.

What?

Pooping.

Yeah.

You could poop in a diaper.

Isn't that crazy how your brain gets stuck in one place and you're like, but I can't.

This thing is for this thing only.

Like I came to, you were texting the other day about you had one.

And then I,

and then I was like, yeah, I had this epiphany that I can listen to Christmas music any time of the year.

Right.

It's not just relegated to December.

But then does it still make it like as good when December comes around?

Yeah, because I want to listen to it more.

I love it.

Okay.

Now I listen to it all the time.

But do you have it mixed in with like other songs or is it like, no, it's Christmas or?

I'm like autistic where I listen to the same music.

There's no deviation.

My kids tell you exactly what I listen to.

Oh, it's the same fucking thing.

Wait, no,

tell them your Pajitsky effect.

So I had two in the same spot.

So it was when I was doing like my dishes or washing my hands in the kitchen sink, I would get water everywhere.

Like every time.

And it was like, oh, I got it.

And then it would like leave stains sometime of like trailing on the counter, like the water.

And I'm like, oh, I forgot to like wipe it up.

And then I realized, I'm like, oh, I don't have to put the water on full blast.

Like, I could just put the faucet on halfway.

Right.

But, but now I like I realize that.

And I still, every time I put the faucet on, I go full blast.

And then the water's going on.

I'm like, oh, I can, I could turn it halfway down.

And then the other thing was,

so I have my bathroom sink, and that's where I have a soap dispenser, and I keep the soap refill under there.

So I fill it up, whatever.

But I also have a soap thing in my kitchen,

on my kitchen sink.

But sometimes that would get empty, and I'd be like, oh, I got to go fill it up.

And I'd be like, I don't feel like filling it up right now.

So I would just wait.

And then I'd be like cooking later in the day.

And I'd be like oh i didn't fill it up and now i can't wash my hands it's this whole thing but i realized i could buy another soap refill and put that under my kitchen sink yeah so then i could just fill it up because i want to go in the yeah anytime and by the way my bathroom is 20 feet away i just go i don't want to do it i'm like i can't go in the bathroom and get the thing you know i'm like fuck it and then i just have an empty soap thing for days but now i'm like oh no i could keep one under here and it's changed my whole life i know this is so stupid you're like let's just do that thing and now i'm so fucking retarded.

So dumb.

I'm like, wow, this is really nice.

Well, you know what?

I just figured out too.

You know, I wash my hair and my hair is wet and my body's wet.

I get out of the shower.

I can bring two towels, one for my hair, one for my body.

Yeah, that's a life-changing moment.

It really is.

That happened to me when I was like 30 and I did it.

And I was like, wait a minute.

I could just wrap instead of being naked while I dry my hair and like cold.

It goes dripping.

Yeah.

I'm like, oh, I can just fucking wrap this around my waist and then

dry everything else with this towel.

It's very nice.

Two towels.

Yeah, game changer for sure.

Wow.

Who are we?

Yeah.

Rockefeller.

Fancy.

Okay.

Let's

time for

TikTok.

Hold on.

You know what we haven't done in a long time?

I heard you bitches were looking for me.

Do you like being on that side of the table?

No.

No?

No.

You like just chilling.

Here's what I do.

Oh, shit.

Oh, we're back.

Yeah, let's start over.

Here's what I do like is that I get to be in charge of what we listen to.

And this is my favorite.

I loved it.

You know what I mean?

You know what I'm saying?

Shouts out to homeboy Mitch.

You know what I'm saying?

Sixth.

Hell yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Mutual home.

Good motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?

Shouts out to Humboy Mitch.

Okay.

Anyway.

By the way, if you want it, I have a great throw-up story.

No, thanks.

I'm good.

I tried, guys.

I don't want to.

I'm going to do immersion therapy next to try to get over it.

How do you do that with vomit?

Well, you watch a million videos of people puking over and over to get, become desensitized.

It's like stand-up.

Like the first seven years, you're anxious, you're nervous, and then by year 10, you're like, I don't give a shit anymore.

I'm over myself.

But some people say that never goes away.

Like, some people say they black out every time they go and do stand-up, even though they've been doing it for years.

They're not professionals.

There's no way.

I won't name who says that all the time.

Like a 20-year veteran.

I know people who have been doing it for a very long time whose podcast i listen to who are like yeah i just totally black out like i like when you're getting when you're going out but they're like 10 minutes before i'm fine but then it's like right when you get up there it's like uh like you know or like one one you say like one thing that doesn't go the way you want and then it's like uh and then you're like i just black out Yeah, that's rookie shit.

You're a pro bomb.

It's not 20 years.

That does happen, though.

And don't get me wrong.

Yeah, all that stuff happens, but you learn how to, whatever, deal with it.

I don't know.

Maybe it's because I don't give a shit anymore about.

yeah, I think it's more of a life thing than a professional standard.

I think you get to a point in life where you go, I don't fucking care.

Like, what are these people not going to laugh?

That's fine.

Yeah, suck my dick.

I almost died this year, last year.

Okay, right.

You ready for my talks?

Yeah.

As we know, as you know, if you don't know, I like to showcase the marginalized communities of TikTok.

Here you go.

You're going to be shocked what I have to say about this.

Okay.

Did you get enough of that Flavor?

Go ahead.

I could date.

No!

You want to know why?

Why?

Because I know she can go in the garage and do her own thing for like eight hours.

I know it.

She's not going to be like, what are we doing?

What do you want to do?

Hey, you want to go for this?

She's just going to be, I'm just going to be fucking

watching your mom's house on the couch, and I'm going to hear.

And I know she's all right.

I kind of like this.

Yeah, you got to find a lady who has her own hobbies that are not paper machines.

Okay, I got you.

But what about this?

When she's like, Rob, you got to hear my new song.

And then

she fucking.

Yeah.

I'll be like, hell yeah, babe.

Keep it up.

Hours and hours.

Yeah.

I'll be like, I want you to do that, but I need like a 15-minute rendition of it.

Get back in the garage.

Go ahead.

You master that shit.

Look at her.

She's in her fucking, she's in her

bliss.

She's great.

So happy.

She's going to come in in a great mood.

I'm telling you, this is my kind of guess.

She's got a thing.

That's all you need in life is a hobby.

I think.

Now, here's the good news for you and for everybody listening, watching.

She sells tickets to live performances.

You can pay to see this woman play various things like clackers or spoons or what have you.

And yeah, she charges.

And just like that, our relationship fell apart.

Because if she's making me go to any one of her shows, I'm out.

Oh, yeah, you got to support.

You got to be supportive.

Don't you want to be supportive?

No, I'll be supportive in other ways.

I'm not going to watch her go play that little plastic piano on stage in front of other people and have to pretend like she did good.

You know what's

going to be

even, you know,

someone asked me the other day, are you coming to Tom's special taping in November?

And I was like, nope.

No fucking way.

No, we don't watch each other.

Okay, here we go.

This is going through TSA with my reborn baby, part two.

So this woman essentially is carrying a newborn doll and she's in a wheelchair.

Maybe she has a broken leg, but she's pretending that the doll is real, and she's got two dogs with her as well.

So she's already, there's a lot going on.

She should be on a no-fly list.

She shouldn't be allowed to fly.

She's crazy.

That's it.

Problem solved.

And terrorist.

Also, I do know for a fact those are not fucking,

what are they called?

Those service dogs.

Yeah, they're not fucking service dogs.

Of course not.

None of them are.

Nobody's.

Yeah.

Those are just pets, you dumb bitch.

We know that.

Okay.

We fucking know.

Yeah.

Stupid real newborn baby.

These are reborn baby.

These are women that have never had newborns.

Once you've had one, you're like, I'm good.

I don't ever need to do that again.

That was so traumatizing.

Or you just want one that shuts up all day.

Like, that's got to be.

She just wants to feel that thing that's like on her and needs her, but doesn't actually.

Is that a thing?

Like reborn babies?

Like, is that a thing that people are into now?

It's on TikTok and you can buy them and they're very lifelike and they weigh what normal babies weigh and stuff.

And it's terrifying.

If I saw her getting on the plane with this is why I hate airports and I hate this stuff, because this is who the you're a problem,

you're a real problem to me.

You interfere with my entire life.

Well, with the two dogs already, like she's got two dogs, how you getting on the plane with two dogs?

There's nothing, there's nothing about her that I go, well, at least this.

No, nothing ridiculous.

I hate it all.

She sucks.

Instead of praying with your hands, you can also pray with one hand and one foot, or with two hands and feet.

This way, you have not only prayed, but also stretched your toes.

And don't forget to walk barefoot and to wear barefoot shoes.

Can I tell you, I just bought toe separators from Amazon?

They're good for you.

Well, I like to walk a lot.

I get at least 10,000 steps a day.

And one of my toes started going underneath one of my other toes and creating like a callus.

What?

Yeah, so I was like, well, I think I need, like, I was like, are toe separators a thing?

And I went on Amazon and they're a big thing.

So, like, I think I'm going to sleep with my right foot with toe separators on from now on.

or you could see a doctor.

Well, he's just gonna tell me that I got to separate my toes.

You think so?

What else is he gonna do?

Stop walking, no, but maybe give you like a splint to straighten it out or something to weigh.

That's what a toe separator is.

Okay, no, you're right, right?

Rob, just keep doing what you're doing.

Yeah, you don't need a toe.

I'm doing great.

Your toes turning into a talus.

You're doing good, man.

You're doing good.

All right.

Yo, what's up, guys?

We're here at 4 a.m.

in the morning, and nobody's here.

It's awesome.

No one's here at the gym.

It's so awesome, dude.

I was here yesterday at 5 a.m.

Yeah, but there's people here.

So I was like, you know what?

Yeah.

I'm going to go on 4 a.m.

I'm going to hit the gym.

No excuses.

Get it.

There's no excuses.

We're getting it.

Come on, let's go.

He's like,

let's go.

He's like Mark Wahlberg.

No excuses.

He's Mark Wahlberg, a clown, and Uncle Jr.

from Sopranos, all mixed in one.

Can you look at the glass?

That's what he's wearing.

Yeah.

He totally has.

You know what's so confusing about this guy?

Yeah, he's Uncle Clown.

You know what's so confusing to me about this guy is?

You would think somebody who does that to themselves loves attention.

So why would you want to be in the gym alone?

That's what I was wondering.

Like, is he doing it so people don't stare at his face?

Because he's covered in face tattoos.

But then the whole reason people do that is because they want attention, don't they?

I don't know.

You know, I do think you start it.

Like, I have a feeling when he was

when he was on methamphetamine in his 20s, like, this was a great idea.

And now that he's 40 and he's not on the meth anymore, it's like, what do you do?

You can't have all that lasered off, right?

Yeah, he's like the finance guy.

He's like, oh, yeah, I'm in the gym with the tattoos today.

Everybody wants to look at me.

Oh,

he's over it, you know?

Hey, at least he's working on that.

Of course.

Oh, here we go.

Power, baby.

Up next, we have an open support martial arts creative.

It's Nicholas Kajia.

Of course.

Front row,

back row.

Excellent agility

here at the American International's in Atlantic City.

What do you think?

Hurrah Casino and Resort.

Hurrah?

You say Hurrah's casino?

I did.

Wow.

Hurrah Casino.

I've done that place.

Hurrah's casino.

I've never.

I have spent more time in casinos than anyone you'll probably ever have on this show.

I've not heard,

I've stayed at Harrah's for months at a time.

I've never heard one person say,

Haraz Casino.

That is brilliant.

He's reporting from Haraz.

Harazz.

Yeah, I'm like, is that the Middle East?

That's what I thought he was like.

I'm not really, he's saying, Harrah's?

Yeah, they never told him the name of the hotel you're watching.

I wonder what he calls Caesars.

Caesars.

Keezers?

Keys are.

Well, I mean, yeah.

By the way, this guy's a black belt.

Come on.

Yeah, he's amazing.

What's wrong with you?

You've never seen agility like that.

I think he's a white belt.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, he's good.

Great.

Great.

He's moving around the mat.

Great.

He's doing, he's calling all the right stuff, but I don't think he's a black belt.

Okay.

I think black belt backflips are.

Okay, well, you know what?

Hara's hurrahs.

I think he's a black belt.

You say Harazz?

I haven't had anyone buy one from me, actually.

I've just made a few of them.

But this is pretty.

I like this one.

This is what you're doing with the

paper-mâché.

This is you right here.

I see no difference between her and you.

Oh, I like it.

I'm going to keep it for my display

at my vendor.

Please tell me that's eggplant.

No, it's her placenta display, a placenta dream catcher, which is cool because dream catchers, they're not usually made out of organic materials.

And

I'm trying to find the positive.

So, like, there's just nothing about, I don't, she's even using, like, is that a medical pad or like a wee wee pad that she's making it on?

Oh, right.

It's a wee wee pad.

Ugh, just all of this is.

But how do you keep the placenta from getting rotten and smelly?

I don't like any of it.

I don't like it.

Maybe if they're shellacet or

you know what else I see people like this doing?

They use like their kitchen scissors to do everything.

Yeah.

Like they open an Amazon package, they make a fucking placenta sandwich or whatever she's doing, and then they cut like the chicken jack open.

That is this, mommy, that is so disgusting.

That is so disgusting.

That bothers me so much.

You got it.

It's so gross.

To use your kitchen scissors to open Amazon packages.

You know why?

You're an animal.

You know why?

You're an animal.

Because they're sharp.

They're nice and sharp.

All scissors are sharp.

Not as sharp as the kitchen scissors.

Mommy, this is the whole Pazzicki effect.

You can get two scissors.

Next, you're going to tell me that I shouldn't be wiping my hands on my pants, which I do.

And now I've upgraded

to napkin dress.

There's a dress that I have that I wipe my hands on.

You and Tom had me over for dinner and you made chicken for me.

And now I know you cut the chicken packages with your fucking Amazon box scissors.

And it's disgusting.

You're welcome.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

I can't believe you did that.

Okay.

Here you go.

I want you to produce me some cabbage, carrots, and corn.

I want you to produce me some green beans.

I want you to produce me some lettuce.

I want you to produce me some produce

me some produce I want you to produce me some produce

I want you to produce me some produce I want you to produce me some produce

I want you to produce me some spinach what do you think is I want you to produce me all the vegetables

required for a healthy diet

I want you to produce me some produce.

Who's he talking about?

I want you to produce me some produce.

I want you to produce some dudes.

You know what it is?

Is it that he figured out that the word produce and produce it's spelled the same but it's like hara's hurrahs like do you think that he's like oh i get it the word produce produce it's the same word but it's not i want you to produce me some produce yeah he thought it was funny and now he's just like produce me some produce

i want you to produce me some produce

i want you to produce me some produce he just keeps going and gosh i like him see this is this is a look into his head like my head has the things that go on all day please Please.

Please.

Yeah.

He's still going.

What else is his feed like?

Like, what is he like?

You don't want to know.

I kind of, I don't know.

I'm really interested in what else he does.

I don't know.

Let's keep going.

These people were having dinner in the air, and one of the harnesses broke.

Do you like to travel?

Can I tell you?

I have no...

I have no feeling for when bad things happen to people like this.

So these people are like, this looks like it's in Florida, maybe in Miami.

And they're up in like a crane and it's a bar in the sky.

And then of course one of the harnesses breaks.

Oh Lord, it's not.

Oh,

oh,

yeah, of course.

This is terrifying.

So we start raving, you know, we're excited.

I'm recording.

You know, everything kind of felt fine.

And then as we're going up, it started shaking a little bit.

It was like, whoa, wait, why is it shaking?

and then

when we got all the way to the top it bang and then when the ropes popped we tilted started spinning bang on the wall we screaming glass glass and bottles were flying everywhere a girl's nose got busted even the workers were crying and sucking down and trying to hide and and then um they finally like lowering us down lowering us down and then when we finally got to the ground like it like hit like the ground because the

ground

They were lowering us and lowering us

Women want to do things just to do things.

Yeah, they they just can't sit still that that's why the girl in the garage doing the fucking knickknack patty whack I'm like I could see I cuz I know she's all right.

She's not gonna go hey, there's a restaurant that just opened on a crane down the street.

You want to go?

I'll be like go in the garage and spin your shit around.

You love that, you know?

Where this is like, this is what they make you do when you're dating.

They go, oh my God, did you hear about the train

bar?

Yeah, and no, I never wanted to hear about it.

Yeah, and it's the opposite

They want it's like you know what made me the most angry like right after COVID when like it was okay to like really fly again They were doing flights to nowhere for people who loved flying and missed it during COVID So you could get on a flight here at Austin airport fly around and it just comes back to and people were like cheering on the plane like yes we love

fly and that's what these people do it's like you can't sit still like you can literally leave this room right now and come back in 48 hours and you'd be like, hey, I'd be like, what's up?

I don't need restaurants in the sky.

Like, I don't just chill.

Yeah, I think, too, I'm really averse to manufactured fun like this, too, where you're like, hate it.

You know what I really hate?

Oh, my God.

And it is my nightmare.

You'll see it in places like Nashville, mostly like these bridal capitals.

It's where they, it's a pedal bar.

They're all, they're getting drunk and pedaling together.

and they're always in great shape those ladies they're not sweating at all you know and they're in like cowboy boots here because they think it's cute so they're like sweating they're in like these cowboy their feet stink nightmares whole thing is just awful i mean look having a drink cool but i don't want to do it anywhere novel anywhere where i have to exercise anywhere dangerous no i want when i used to drink it was like give me the dark i want like a place that you're like is that place open and then you go inside and there's like a guy who's like what do you want and like you can't say anything but like i want tequila on on the rocks.

He's like, Here, bang, give it to you.

You know what?

Also, I don't care for, don't tell Tom, is like

fine dining experiences where they light the shit on fire or like

50 courses.

And I'm like, I don't want to sit here.

I want to eat and I want to leave.

I don't want to be here.

If the food's great, I'm okay with it.

I went somewhere here last night and had like a short rib that came on the bone.

Oh, that's

phenomenal.

They lighted on

it.

Nothing.

They had a thing where the woman was like, well, we have like a flaming board that your thing could come on.

I was like, I don't want to hear anything.

I just want my food.

Like, I don't, I don't want a circus.

Like, I don't.

I know.

It's like, you know, now when, like, you go to clubs and stuff, they come out with these like lighting up wands and with your sign with your name on it.

It's like, I'm trying to fucking get drunk.

Like, what is a parade for me?

Yeah.

And I also don't, I don't really like any extra attention from the wait staff or anything.

Like, it's okay.

You don't have to like talk to me about the dishes, right?

Like, I know what I like.

Like, I already look, I did my homework.

I know why I'm here.

I don't need you to, I don't want to make small talk.

I'm

good, dude.

I'm like, see, we were talking about this yesterday, the whole like on an Uber putting like, don't talk to me.

Yeah.

And it's like, I just don't have the heart to do it, but I think I might start.

I just, it's, it's, it's a, it's time.

Because what somebody was saying is like, well, maybe you could be doing the Uber person a favor favor.

Maybe they feel like they, they have to be like, hey, how are you?

Cause it'll give them like a better tip or rating where it's like, I want

one of my best friends in New York, who's probably the nicest guy I know.

I've told this story a lot.

He on, so you used to not be able to set preferences on Uber, like don't talk to me.

So he put his name as don't talk to me.

So they would know not to talk.

And he's, he was the nicest kid I knew.

And I'd be like, how do you,

I can't, I couldn't get in

because I'm asking this person a favor to like drive me somewhere.

And they're doing this thing.

And I'm in their car.

So it's like, listen, if they want to talk to me, it's, I'm not just going going to be like, hey, don't fucking talk to me.

Oh, I know.

It feels really rude.

It feels rude.

I agree.

I only, I only tip, I rank based on smell.

Smell and driving style.

Like, if the guy's got a lot of cologne, that gives me a headache.

I don't want to smell it.

If it's reeks of cigarettes and cologne, forget about it.

You should be able to say why you're not tipping.

Like, you should be able to.

Oh, I still tip, but I won't, like, give him the stars or whatever.

I won't rate him.

I just, I won't give him a negative rating.

I just won't.

But see, that's the thing.

If you go like for a bad rating they're like why

and I don't I just I feel bad like pulling someone's rating down I don't want to do that

but I would like to let him know what he's doing like dude you're fucking it's powerful back here like you stink I don't think you smell yourself though you just don't smell yourself when you put that much cologne on those guys don't smell it anymore yeah that's all of Eastern Europe okay one last TikTok

Hello everybody so I decided to uh why not make a collection update on my uh vacuums here It's a cool shirt

Yeah, so as you see here, it's uh don't mind the cat.

It's pretty much been the same

Maybe some machines have been moved around.

Why would we mind the cat?

Nothing really much has changed

As you can see over here nothing much has changed with this stuff over here

Then if we walk in here

some machines That were in here, they were like junk like they were broken why I kept broken things.

I don't know, but they're gone.

Even I organized this.

It doesn't look like drama.

But yeah.

Ironically,

a room full of vacuums, filthy carpet.

How's that going?

Wow.

I didn't even, yeah.

I just, this is the most, I hate this guy.

I hate everyone like, what are you?

What's wrong with you?

Don't you collect anything?

No.

I collect empty space.

I hope you guys enjoyed this little update.

I enjoyed the update.

Vacuum collection.

I loved it.

He's got a vacuum.

There should be a movie about the vacuums come to life and kill a movie.

How dare you?

Rap, he's collecting vacuums.

I hope he sells them.

They look like they're in good shape.

But that's a lot of money.

Like, aren't vacuums like 100 bucks each?

Like these things?

That's a fucking lot.

That's like at least 10 grand, like right there, probably.

Dude, sell these vacuums.

What's this guy doing?

He's sitting on a gold mine is what he's doing.

With loud-ass old vacuums, and the bag would blow up

and the cord wasn't long enough, so your fucking grandma would have to keep moving it around.

I know.

I know.

It's fun that my kids like to vacuum.

I let them.

They don't know what they're doing, but I let them.

What do you think of the new eye masks on the planes?

Have you seen that?

That wraps around the headrest?

No.

Oh, can you look up the eye mask on the plane that wraps around the headrest?

This is one of these things in life where I go.

I really don't care what people think about me.

Like, the same thing with the fucking, like, don't talk to me in an Uber, but it feels rude.

Like, there's something about this where I go, I don't care what people think about me.

For some reason, I can't do this.

Yeah.

So that if you're the, yeah, I can do this.

I don't know if that no, that I can do, but what it is, is there's one where you have that mask on, and then so you don't like fall over.

Like a hood goes around the back of the seat, like, like that.

Now you're stuck there.

I love that.

I wish I would have had that 20 years of traveling.

You know what it is?

I think I still have the shame of, because like when you're in first class and the people walk by, like I only fly once a year, really, so I fly first class.

And like when the people walk by, I do feel shame.

Like I don't belong in first class and I i feel bad that all those people are going back there and i'm not so like i think adding this would just be like you

know what i mean

you just can't it's it's too like i don't like i don't deserve to be this comfortable no i understand you're still flogging yourself you're wearing your hair shirt on the plane i do think it pulls it looks like it pulls you back too aggressively it straps you in there it's really straps your head yeah i don't know i mean when i travel i'll do the eye mask i'll do a hoodie over it to cover that i'm down with that Zip that shit up and the neck thing, and then I'll pass it on.

See, I'm okay with all that.

But once it comes to like stretching.

Because also, like, there's there's a, there's usually a TV on the back of the seat behind you, so aren't you getting in the way of aren't you just like taking that person's ability to watch TV away?

Oh, that's true.

I didn't even think about that.

I just don't like being a menace.

It's like it brings extra attention and be like, look at the guy.

You got to go see the guy in the front who's got this fucking contraption on, who like can't fly three hours without this spoiled, rotten.

i didn't even think about that oh but you know what i did reveal to jamie lately that i've done that i'm so proud of and happy with and i'm so content

so i was like it's time i'm getting a shoehorn so i got like a three foot long shoehorn by my front door and when i put my shoes on i just put the like it's three foot long so you don't even have to bend over at all you put the shoehorn in the back of the shoe you slide your feet in It is so nice.

Mr.

Belvedere, look at you.

So nice.

But here's the thing that I wasn't expecting.

The three-foot shoehorn came with a little mini shoehorn.

And when I was leaving for the airport to fly to New York, I was like, oh, let me put my shoes on.

And I was putting the shoehorn thing on.

And I was like, wait a minute.

And I didn't even realize I could do this.

I'm like, I could put the little shoehorn in my book bag.

And when I go through security at the airport,

I can put my shoes back on with the little mini shoehorn.

And I could have the mini shoehorn the whole time I'm in New York.

You just blew my mind.

It changed everything.

It was carrying around with you, though.

It changed everything.

I had in my backpack, there's a little slot, and I had the shoehorn in there, and it made me feel so much better.

I've never used one.

I've never used one in my life.

I would never even, I don't, I don't deserve a shoehorn.

You do.

It's so nice to not have to bend over when, because sometimes, like, you come in, you take your shoes, you go out, you cut like back and forth and back and forth.

And it's like, just to be able to be like, well, hold on, but doesn't the three-foot shoehorn that's not long enough from a standing position, right?

Yeah.

Do I have to sit down?

No, no, no.

You stand there.

Because think about your lower body.

How long is from your hand to your foot?

Oh, it's like five feet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're about 11, too, right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

No, mommy, it is such a luxury.

And by the way, it's like $9.

I know.

And it changes your whole life.

I know.

It's so sweet.

I believe it.

And I keep it like hidden in a corner when I'm walking out.

So it doesn't even in the way.

Nothing.

You don't want people to see it.

It's embarrassing.

It's like a squatty potty that's out.

I'm proud of my squatty potty.

I'm proud of the shoe horn.

It's disgusting.

I just said it in front of a million people.

I don't hide the squatty.

Do you at least hide the squatty potty if a lady comes here?

Not at all.

I'll wipe the piss off of it.

I'll clean it.

I'll clean the piss off.

Like, you know what I'll do sometimes?

I just throw it in the shower and run the shower to get all the pee off.

Oh my God.

Who's grosser, though?

Rob Eiler or Christina?

That's normal, guys.

No, Rob is cleaning.

It's far grosser.

Okay, what's grosser?

This is normal.

Me doing paper-mâché and using napkin dress.

Yeah.

Or this, the squatty potty, and he rinses the piss off of it when a girl comes over.

That's class.

Leaving the pee is gross.

Leaving the squatty.

The squatty potty is such a vague dryer, dude.

I don't want to see how you shit.

You're not.

You're knowing that I have proper.

Like, just looking at my toilet, then you're going to know how I shit.

Don't look at my toilet.

No, but I mean, I don't want to see you.

And the vision of you with your knees up to your face.

My knees are going to be two inches lower if I don't use the squatty potty.

That's all right.

Giving birth, like you're birthing.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I do a little poop Heimlich kind of action.

Yeah.

Right, Nayana?

Yeah, I don't like to see men's shitting apparati.

But I, I mean, it's just a footstool.

It's a lot more than that.

It's a custom shit stool.

We have one here.

But my toilet is a, my toilet is a custom shit vacuum.

That's okay.

But do you have a wash flat?

No, not now.

Since I moved here, I didn't, I had it in LA.

I don't have it here.

Yeah.

You know what I was thinking about?

You just get a tushie.

You know what you see like in hotels or like when you see people, usually on 90-day fiancé, because that's how I travel the world.

They, when they get in the hotel and they are on the toilet they have like it's just like you know that thing that used to come out of the sink and you spray water yeah like that's what they it's like an old-fashioned bidet how do you not get water everywhere using that

you do that's the problem with a bidet

this is what i'm saying yes this is the problem i never knew how to use a bidet in europe because i would splash everywhere you're supposed to what take down all your whole pants everything i jerked off on one of those in vegas okay well that's a great story thank you so much rob for being

i did you jerked off into a bidet no no no like i let it, I let it, like, so I, I, I was like, what would this feel like?

Cause I never used a bidet in my life.

And I, they gave, like, it was an appearance, like to do an appearance.

So they gave me this like crazy, nice room by myself.

And I was like, oh, I got nothing to do.

I'm just like looking around for stuff to do.

After I pooped, I'm like, oh, let me use a bidet for the first time.

So you like, you squat over it, you turn the knob, and then it washes your butt.

Yeah.

And I was like, if I jerked off with this thing spraying my butt with the water, it'd probably be phenomenal.

So I did it.

And it was.

It was fucking awesome.

You need to get a bidet again.

And you know what?

Something that nice.

I only did it that one time.

Never did it again.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, because the bidets now are like the like fucking bidet, it like shoots water at you.

This was just like a nice run kind of, like it was like a fountain almost.

It wasn't like a direct, like, that's not really pleasurable, the bidet that, like, shoots like a, like a water gun

when you're at the carnival and you shoot in the clown's mouth.

Too much.

Yeah, that's what it's like.

So that's not like, ooh, I want to jerk off on this.

But in

Hurrah, when they gave me that really nice room, I was like, hey, let me jerk off on this bidet.

Reporting live from Hurrah's bidet.

You just inspired all the male listeners of this show to jerk off on their bidets.

Thank you so much, Rob Eiler.

God bless.

For being here and sharing that with us.

Thank you for having me.

It's been a while.

I miss podding with you.

We used to do where my mom's at all the time and have fun.

I'm happy you're better now.

I'm happy you're back.

She's back.

She's here.

She's queer.

Get used to her.

Get well soon, Tom.

Yeah, get well soon.

He's in rehab.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I love you, mommies.

Okay, until next time.

Meow.

Well, how would you know how to identify a stinky beef?

Take her to a clam.

I can tell you some other ways.

Finger her and then take a chance and go smell it.

Woody cheeks opening.

Why are you quitting?

Or pencil, thirty devil penza.

Woody cheeks opening.

Why are you quitting?

Or penzel turning?

Woody cheeks opening.

And then the snail comes out.

Where are you credentials, Dr.

Mel?

Take her to a clown.

Then you can try smelling dirty, dirty underwear.

Definitely.

Just eat that snake.

Eat that.

Eat that.

Eat that snake.

Just eat that snake.

Eat that.

Eat that.

Eat that snake.

I mean, if we're gonna go through the trouble of having her twerk and then finding her dirty undies and snip them,

why not just hook up with her and find out?

Take her to a club.

Make her twerk.

Did she say I can't twerk?

Because it's smelly.

Booty cheeks opening.

Why are you sweating?

Open the bench level pen drag.

Woody cheeks opening.

Why are you sweating?

Open the level pedro.

Woody cheese opening.

Why are you sweating?

Open up and level the drag.