Meet Me At Café Bích Nga | Your Mom's House Ep. 831

What's everybody, and happy October next week.

I'm bringing my Coming Together tour to New Jersey and New York.

I'll be in Newark at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center on October 15th, then Brooklyn at King's Theater on Friday, October 17th, followed by Westbury at the Flagstar at Westbury Music Fair for two shows on Saturday, October 18th.

The 5 p.m.

show is sold out.

You can try to get tickets for the 8:30 p.m.

show.

Tickets and all info.

It's at tomseguer.com/slash tour.

Well, welcome.

Welcome to your mom's house.

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Welcome to the show.

Welcome.

This is your mama's place.

She's Christine.

I'm Tim.

Let's rock and roll.

What's going on?

You don't seem like you're in a good mood, is it?

Because you visited the dentist this morning?

I mean, I didn't enjoy it, if that's what you're asking.

Yeah.

I didn't enjoy it.

I didn't like it.

What's going on?

I didn't enjoy it.

I didn't like it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are we going to talk about it?

Maybe later.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm here for you.

I want to hear it, though.

Thanks.

How was your morning?

It was cool.

I'm grouchy.

I'm

like, I'm in a bad mood, honestly.

I just woke up kind of grumpy, and I know what it is.

I'm getting my period.

Maybe that's what it is for me, too.

Yeah.

My period's starting.

When it started.

No, I mean, I feel it coming.

Same, and it's like, God, already, just already, just start.

Let the fucking drop.

Blood drop.

Yeah.

Because once it does, it's like, okay, now I can handle life again.

But I'm literally, I'm going insane.

It's the anticipation of it.

Right?

You too?

Same, same.

Do you get anxious too?

Anxious, grumpy, the whole thing.

And what about your cramps?

How are those doing?

They're ramping up.

Yeah.

Ugh.

Ugh.

What?

How many days is your cycle now?

Seven.

It's seven days long.

And then how many days in between

your cycles?

I don't know.

21.

Wow.

You're bleeding a lot.

Like every three weeks.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's kind of a heavy flow.

I still produce a lot of eggs.

You sure do.

Yeah.

Do you feel it when you ovulate?

Of course.

The thing is, a lot of people don't know that the whole purpose of this podcast has been to just normalize men having periods.

Duh.

Yeah.

Duh.

And we've been a huge proponent of that since the dawn of time.

Yeah, before anybody else was talking about it.

I know.

And then society was like, hey, everybody, men have periods.

And we were like, we've been saying that since we've been saying that.

What, 2010, bro?

What's your definition of a man?

First of all,

I'm a femme boy.

Did you know that?

You?

I'm a femme boy.

I found out today on TikTok.

Well, how'd you find that out?

Heather Mills did a social media thing where they take a picture of you and then it matches you to the audio.

I'm a femme boy.

What does that mean?

What does that mean?

What does anything mean?

What does it matter?

No, not that.

What does anything mean?

What is that?

What does it matter?

I just am.

What's a femme boy?

Can you look that up?

That means you're a dude, right?

Femmboy refers to a male or non-berry person, non-binary person using aesthetically and culturally female elements to express, oh, you're

that's so gay.

Yeah, you're gay.

You know why?

I think it's because I'm wearing this little Lord Fauntleroy type shirt

and I have little Lord Fauntleroy hair, and I think it picked up on those kind of gayish femme vibes.

Yeah, I'm a dandy, I'm dressed like a dandy.

You are kind of dandyish.

I'm a dandy.

Can one of you

swing the monitor out?

Do you mind?

Oh, shit.

How the fuck did that happen?

No, no, it's probably somebody moved it.

Who the fuck moved that?

I don't know.

Somebody.

It's probably what we were doing now.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

It's fine.

That's no big deal.

It's just harder to see when it's flat.

What do you want to fucking yell at somebody?

I want you to yell at somebody.

No.

Because I'm on my period.

Oh, right.

Does it feel satisfying when somebody like dresses someone down for you?

I like it when you do it because

I won't, I don't have the courage to do that.

Try it.

It's not my style.

Just give it a shot.

I do it.

Okay, here's what I do it.

I do it at night when I'm falling asleep

in your head.

Fucking Annie.

You know the monitor's supposed to be facing me.

Why isn't it?

You fucking hate me.

She just chose a random name.

Yeah, it's just not her style.

But I know that you take it personally.

Do you say the N-word?

No.

In your head, in your head.

No.

It doesn't always go there with whites, anything.

It's fine if it's in your head, first of all.

Yes, it does.

But it's just in your head.

You assume that all whites think that word at you.

Okay.

What was that?

Was that her inner thoughts?

That was inner?

Niggas.

Niggas.

That's you.

That's you.

That's not me.

That's you at night right next to your pillow.

Oh, my God.

Just this nigga.

These niggas hating on me.

Do you like me?

Is that JJ?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's an old, that's an old cut.

That's a D cut right there, Broham.

Yep.

I don't always think the N-word.

No.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Montego Martin.

You know what I love is when my favorite is when white people admit to having said the word once in their life.

Crazy.

Or they're like, I may have said it once.

It's like, of course.

In an interview or two, they're in an interview.

You're like, what?

Is there footage of it?

Are you crazy?

Yeah.

Stupid.

Stop.

Don't even talk about it.

That is the dumbest thing that people do.

Well, yes, it was 1963.

Yeah.

You don't have to tell people.

Yeah, just don't talk about it.

Just lie.

Have you not lied before?

Jesus.

Oh, ass, nigga.

All right.

So let's get back to the show.

And in keeping with the theme of the last few seconds, let's open the show.

Here you go.

So I have just arrived at Cafe Bitch Nigga in Tampa, Florida.

It is Vietnamese food, and I'm very very excited for what's to come.

So, when you first walk in, you know, it's actually very clean, like, it doesn't give,

you know, cafe

bitch nigga.

Christina Pazinski.

Welcome to your mom's house.

That's good shit

Yeah

Cafe bitch nigga

Okay, so he said it's not giving it's not giving those vibes.

What did he assume?

Hi

Can I ask you how do you pronounce the name of the cafe

um are these like the little pants?

Yes, I can give you that for free.

These are named Cafe Bikin.

I love you.

She said she can give it to you for free.

I heard the same thing.

Because you have biknya.

Well, I see a biking and I know a biking when I see one.

Yeah, but she charges other people a dollar.

Yeah.

She's like, oh,

we get this sometimes.

Cafe bitch nigga.

And then we also had one, I think, in Houston.

We had Dallas or House of Canada.

Somebody tell me how they say this in Japanese or Chinese or Vietnamese or the other nines.

This shit say bitch nigga.

Stony.

Tell me it don't say bitch nigga.

Tell me.

Right.

And like, they know what they're doing.

It's apparently like so.

widely used in the U.S.

There's like a thousand of these.

Wow.

Yeah, so it must be very very common in Vietnamese.

That, and there was one in San Francisco called Fuck It Thai.

Yeah, you know what you're doing.

Well, you know, you have to know, whenever you travel, you learn.

Oh, if you say that, like you say fanny in the UK, they're like, you know what that means here, right?

Yeah.

So if you opened your fanny shop, it would be like, you know, worth note.

It'd be notable.

People would be like, hey,

aren't you aware of what you're saying here?

Yeah.

It's kind of strange, right?

Bicna.

Bikna.

It's not Biknha.

No.

No, but and the whites can't say it.

You know what you're doing.

Nobody knows.

You know what you're doing.

And not only that, like you're in, you're in whitey neighborhoods.

But that kind of leads me to believe that if you open a bikini somewhere in the United States, you're really only trying to get other Vietnamese people.

to frequent it because they're going, oh, bikini.

Like, I love bikini.

You know, so,

right?

But if you're, if you're like, oh, I'm trying to get a a broader fan base to come in here, Bikina might not be the best.

That's a good point, Tom.

But maybe rebrand.

Maybe the food is so good at Biknya, it's only for the Vietnamese.

You know how they, like, I'm telling you.

You know, when you're in a good spot.

If there's no

whiteies.

No whiteys.

And it's, it's just the best.

I'm saying a good Asian food spot is the one frequented by non-whites.

100,000 million percent.

You walk in and they're like, what are you doing here?

You're like, can I?

You're like, okay.

Are there only pictures of the food and

like no written mental old communist leaders, and you're like, Hey, this is kind of cool.

Yeah,

remember when we went to that Korean pole pot?

This should be real good here.

He watches over you.

Yeah,

it's that pole pot.

Glorious leader.

Strong decisions.

You wipe out all the bad people, and then we leave and we open Biknyak here.

You're like, Cool, man.

You like Fo?

I like Fao.

Fa?

Fo?

Fo.

And then white people discovered pho.

You fat, you fan a ho chi man?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's cool.

Yeah.

Ho Chi Man soup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You eat, you like.

You like Mao?

Yeah, Mao is great.

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So

here we are at our

favorite German Goebbels Cafe.

Well, that's the one culture that can't.

Well, they want to.

They want to, so

they do it down in South America.

You're like, wow, this is crazy that there's this German village here in Argentina.

How'd this come about?

Really?

And they have no bones about it because Argentinians are like, welcome.

They're not liking Buenos Aires, but they'll go to like, you know, some coastal

smaller nice country.

And they're like,

you like?

They have to fly in all the sauce in the old country.

You like to try?

You're like, yeah, that sounds cool.

Is there an Argentinian?

How'd you guys end up here?

Is there a cuisine that's Argentinian mixed with German?

I'm sure

I'm sure you can find it.

Yeah.

They went there and they went to Brazil.

And then a couple, but like in numbers, you know.

Does that explain why there are so many meats in Brazilian cuisine?

That I don't know.

Because the crowds love their meats.

The crowds love.

And snausages.

You know me.

I love the German snazzies.

Yeah.

The Wiener Schnitzel, all these good things.

We always wanted to come to Argentina.

It's so lovely here.

The sun's shining.

The sun shines all the time.

Far from your roots.

What took you here?

How come, why did the Argentinians welcome them with open arms?

I don't know.

It's a really interesting thing to explore.

Are they anti-Udins as well?

I have no idea.

There's clearly a story.

Like, let's Google it.

Yeah, let's see what.

Choose the fucking computer machine.

Everyone else was like, no, thank you.

Argentina.

Argentina.

Argentina.

Allow.

Let me make it a little bigger.

I was like, come over.

Let's see.

see, they allowed many Germans and Nazi collaborators and fleeing Nazi officials into the country due to a combination of factors.

A large German-speaking population.

No shit.

Strong culture and economic ties to Germany.

Sympathy among some Argentines for the fascist ideology.

A desire to acquire German technological and scientific expertise, and a willingness to

facilitate escape routes to avoid war crimes prosecution.

That's called a collaborator.

Yeah.

Aiden and a Bettin.

You guys, you have trouble?

It's not trouble here.

Because eventually they could hunt them down in Argentina, right?

Eventually,

that was a whole thing.

They could hunt them down and they got them.

Like Eichmann, the Israelis

made it a huge,

you know, mission of theirs to track down every last one.

They got a lot of them.

Good.

Some of them

got to live their lives.

Just kind of kept going.

That's not fair.

Yeah.

That's not very nice, is it?

Yeah.

So, I mean, it looks like, yeah,

people in power down there back then were like, big deal.

I know.

But it's so important that you go to war with countries that have good cuisine.

Yeah.

Because,

you know, the Vietnam War brought us this place, Bich Nha.

Vich Nhya.

Bik Nha.

Viknya.

Yeah.

You don't want to go to war like, unfortunately, we did with Afghanistan.

It's not the the best.

Did the Germans influence Argentine cuisine?

Let's see that.

Oh.

Because what is Argentine food?

Well, I always think of meats.

Meats and tattoos.

I'm sure it's a little deeper than that.

So let's see.

Kraut.

Yes.

German immigrants and their descendants have influenced Argentine cuisine, particularly in the eastern and Patagonian regions of Argentina, including dishes like sauerkraut, various types of sausages and goulash.

And the creation of pastries known as facturas.

Now, that's very popular.

I didn't know that was influenced by them.

Those are the Argentine versions of

Vienne Sari.

I don't know how to say that.

Well, the influence of Italian and Spanish immigration is much larger.

German culture has left its culinary mark on the country, and we thank you for that.

So there are, in fact, sauerkraut sausages, goulash.

Yeah, this is.

It credits the krauts for goulash.

This is wrong, actually.

Please.

I've had facturas, and that's like the little pastries that are there.

Let me see.

What are they like?

I like that.

That sounds fucking great.

You got to go there, it is to eat.

Yeah.

All right,

hey, guys.

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Also, you are on sale.

I'm going to increase the price to $2,000.

There we go.

This worked last time.

You just kept raising it.

I sold Fuck Around and Find Out for $60,000.

And you can buy the prints for fuck around and find out right now on ymhstudios.com.

This one is unique.

My head is covering the best part of the drawing because, you know,

the least accurate part of the drawing.

You know, I'm just trying to do my best, Tom.

I just, I'm an artist.

I'm learning.

I'm not perfect.

Okay.

What

you can buy this, too.

The original.

We'll see if I sell prints.

I don't know.

I'm an artist.

Do what I want.

You look so strong there.

I can't believe you're

about one part of the drawing.

The rest of it's so strong.

It's not very flattering.

What are you talking about?

Look how yoked you are.

You know, the part that you covered up is not very flattering.

I think it is.

I think it is.

I think you're just having a low self-esteem moment on your period, and this is not the reflection of reality.

Okay.

So, um,

don't you hate that when your confidence gets shattered on your period, too?

Do you get that?

That knocks you down an extra peg, doesn't it?

Ugh.

Just in the toilet this morning.

You kind of want the period to end after that.

Dude, I'm sweating already, too.

Sweating like a.

How long till it's over over, you think?

For me?

Like having periods.

Not soon enough.

I'm fucking almost 50 and I'm still doing this.

I know.

So when will it just like tap?

When will the

five years, hopefully?

Five more years of this shit.

Because what happens is it doesn't just, the faucet doesn't just shut off.

It's like a slow, miserable drip.

So like you won't get a period one month and then you'll get one.

Oh.

And then you'll feel like you're getting it, but then it never comes.

So nature destroys you before it takes it away.

Yeah, it's just you know how it is.

You've got a few more years on yours.

I'm sure I do.

Yeah, can't wait for it to stop, though.

Gosh, when did you get your period?

First, 13.

Yeah, me too.

Same.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so weird.

So strange.

So, this is just fun for me to play this one because this is a guy, you know, we

work

in

basically the nightclub world.

So we're in comedy clubs, theaters, casinos, arena.

All that is like a nighttime activity.

And there's always a couple knuckleheads that make it into one of those venues.

And sometimes they're asked to leave.

And what's interesting is how they react when they're asked to leave.

Piece of shit, fat fuck over here fucking threw me out of the casino.

Fucking put it.

I was swearing.

Piece of crap, motherfucker over here

You won't be seeing me here anymore.

I think that's the thing This is the fucking last time that I'm fucking doing a video in this fucking casino this fucking piece of shit fucking casino

Fucking they treat their fucking customers like shit.

Yeah.

Fucking guy over there sitting sitting over there next to me, fucking not even drinking a beer or gambling on the game, you know?

Yeah.

So I wonder if the Encore will recover, you know,

from having like a whale like this decide to take his money elsewhere, you know?

Yeah, I'll tell you the one consistent thing I've noticed about the people that get ejected from events is that you never regret that decision to be like, this guy needs to leave because they always do this.

They protest.

I was just having fun.

You're like, no, you weren't.

You're being a douche.

You know, you are.

I had this lady a couple weeks ago at a show, second row, second row.

There we go,

just talking, talking.

And so, you know, when you're in bigger venues, sometimes you hear little things, you go, I'm not going to address everything.

But when it's like, you go, oh, this is continuing to happen.

And you're also trying to perform, right?

So you're focusing and I just keep hearing.

And I was like, I'm sorry.

What is going on?

What are you, what are you saying?

What?

I'm like, what are you saying?

You keep talking.

What are you saying?

She's like, oh, I was telling my son that, you know, he, because I was telling him that I got his water.

And I go, what?

What kind of sentence is that?

She's like, no, I just, my son's over here.

And then, so I'm sitting over.

I was telling him, and I go, this doesn't make, I don't understand what you're saying.

Can you, can you be done?

And she's like, yeah, I mean, all right.

I'm like, you know, you're in the second row, right?

Everyone around you is hearing you talk this whole time.

Oh, and then you're like, oh, you can't be.

You're not with it, right?

You're, something's going on.

So I just see i'm like okay i don't i don't even say like get her out of here no i'm like all right let's just try to regroup so we keep going and then i see security come over talk to her and she walks out with them and a few minutes later i'm like is she gone and then the guy the son is like i don't know i'm like is that your mom he's like yeah like oh is she leaving did she leave and he's like i don't know And then I'm like, so are you staying?

He's like, I mean, I guess.

Like, okay.

And then like 10 minutes later, he was gone.

And then, so they just left, right?

But everything was better

when they left.

Well, it's an energy shift in the room, too, because it's like everybody around those people are annoyed as well.

That's the thing that is never fully comprehended by people is that when you're like, I mean, this is, I mean, everyone who was at that table gambling was like, Jesus, this guy, right?

Everyone who's at the show is like, I'm trying to watch the show, but I can't because you keep fucking talking.

It's almost always drunk, too, right?

Oh, that's why.

Yeah,

I think he's a little more this guy.

It's all very eloquent.

Like you kind of end up siding with him when he puts it like this.

Sure.

And they throw me the fuck out and they keep him in there.

You know what?

Fucking nobody come to this fucking piece of shit rat hole motherfucking casino.

They suck

over here.

I won't be fucking coming in this fucking place anytime soon.

This fucking piece of shit fucking piece of crap motherfucker fat motherfucking bitch.

It Looks like

I was gonna say, it's not a piece of crap, actually.

Fucking aggravated with these fuckers.

Fucking, I won't see another fucking nickel of my money in this fucking place.

Yeah, he got his point across.

Yeah.

I don't know that it's a piece of cash.

It looks very well maintained.

Yeah, I've done a lot of casinos.

I've been to piece of shit casinos.

That doesn't look like one.

No.

The Encore?

That's a really fancy one.

You want a key thing that I noticed?

It's broad daylight outside.

It's 10:30 10:30 in the fucking morning.

He's true.

On one.

Yeah,

he's really on one.

Fucking encore.

Yeah.

Encore.

He's really also so avered already.

You're also, you know, you're always toeing a fine line when you're fat and you call someone else fat in your anger because you know you want it to be look at this fat fuck and then everyone's like hey you're pretty fat

it's like fat fucking fucking fat fuck and you're like you're kind of a fat fuck yeah you know You know, those workouts where you finish and wonder, did that actually make me stronger?

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Yeah, that's true because I would never call someone like, you old bitch.

I'm like, well, I'm.

You start going like, hey, you bald fuck.

Yeah.

Like, what?

Huh?

Fucking piece of shit.

Fucking piece of crap, motherfucker, fat motherfucking bitch.

Yeah.

That's a good swear.

That is.

That is good.

That is good.

I mean, he was really holding on to a lot of.

Motherfucker.

I wonder how welcome you will be in other establishments after this.

I don't know.

Maybe other casinos will be there.

We don't know if we want your millions here, sir.

Your millions?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, he must be a big baller because he can tell them to F off and he's not afraid of the repercussions.

He's not afraid at all.

Gosh.

Yeah.

He's not afraid.

Some dudes are just confident.

Yeah.

They know what they have.

Like this guy.

I'm Mike Fideli from Fideli and Associates.

We're here in South Beach to provide income tax and IRS services to high net worth athletes and entertainers who have many serious IRS problems.

If you do, DM me and we'll get you out of all your problems.

I would love to meet her.

Oh my God.

I just want to know:

are you okay?

Yeah.

Have you been trafficked?

What type of pills are you on?

Do you have any life goals?

Those are like the four or five questions I want to ask.

She is so over his bullshit.

She is so dead to him.

Yeah.

You need to pay her a little more.

Sit with me while I do this ad,

this finance ad with your tits out.

Don't blink.

Oh, yeah, she doesn't blink the whole time.

I mean, that was really kind of scary.

Yeah, she's on drugs.

Yeah.

The ADM.

That was.

I believe he can help me, though, get out of my IRS troubles.

Yeah.

This guy knows his way around Mike Fidel Fideli.

Yeah.

He's 63.

He's an alpha male of course CEO, income tax strategist.

Yeah.

He's saved over 2.2 billion, it says, in taxes and IRS depth.

Oh, wow.

At 49, he placed...

221st in the Miami half marathon.

I've never

heard anybody say that for anything.

This guy and I are the same age.

Yeah.

No, no, he's 63.

Okay.

When he was 49.

Oh, okay.

He's letting people know that he finished 221st in a half marathon.

221st.

All right.

Later, at the age of 53, he placed 196

in the same marathon.

Okay.

He also claims to own an orphanage.

That's a tax.

He's calling out celebrities, athletes at South Beach for income tax strategy help.

He's trying to get more clients.

Can we see?

Can we just talk about this limo that he's rented?

That limo is from 1984 too with the sparkles.

No, that's a Rolls-Royce, I'm guessing.

But why does it have sparkles?

They do that on the roof now.

Yeah.

On the Royce-Royce?

That's how my mother used to say it.

Yeah.

That's a Royce-Royce?

Yeah, he's probably sitting in like a fucking $500,000.

Oh, my God.

I thought that was a crummy limo.

Oh, there he is.

Look at his hair there.

Oh, there she is.

And she's as alive as she was in the last video.

Yeah, she's obsessed.

This is Mike Fideli Fideli for Fideli and Associates.

We're here in South Beach.

We're here to provide services for income tax and IRS problems to high net worth athletes and entertainers who have many serious IRS problems.

If you do, DM me and we'll get you out of all your problems.

That's it, huh?

Do you think he's giving her direction?

Like, hey, look like you're a bad bitch.

I like him in the mornings here, like in this middle one, the passport video.

This is without all the...

Let's see.

This is the real guy.

Let's see what's up.

Oh, no, no problem.

Okay, did you get a letter from the IRS or from the State Department that says that your passport has been

either blocked or revoked?

Yeah,

well,

they said that I owe IRS and so they helped it out.

My point is, because I know you're busy,

can I make an appointment with you in about a week or so based on your schedule?

Yeah, that's fine.

And come and come out there?

Yeah, it's pro I mean, it's probably kind of urgent on your part, I guess.

You know, we're getting all of our individuals and corporates due by

October 15th.

If you could come a little after that, you know what, actually, I tell you what, why don't you, if you can come later in this week or

next call?

Anytime you...

This is the call you chose?

After 12.

Like an actual call.

It's not providing information.

You can't close this one, like, that is the fucking thing.

He basically just played, like, I need to have a dermatology appointment.

And they're like, I don't know, is Thursday okay?

So, how's your schedule lining up?

Well, I have a mole.

I don't know.

I'd like you to look at it.

Like, that wasn't informative.

Oh, there he is, age 49.

He's still holding on to that.

He really loves that stat.

Place 221st.

See, I told you.

Yeah.

Now, the one to the left with the two chicks, is this an ad?

Oh, no.

2063, 28.

Any questions?

It's an interesting way to market your financial, like,

you know what I mean?

Like, your savviness.

But the guy that's evading paying their taxes.

Yeah.

They like this shit.

I think

it's a mentality, right?

Yeah.

I do like that he was smart enough to be like, I'm colorblind.

I like women of

every shape and size.

Well, he's in Miami, so he's got to appeal to, if there's athletes and such.

Yeah.

You got to appeal to all the demos down there.

That's all kinds of peeps.

Wow.

He's in, listen, he's in great shape for 63 years young.

He looks great.

I hate when people do that, by the way.

I'm, I'm 69 years young.

I'm 87 years old.

That's so gross.

The flip on I love someone to death.

I love you to death.

I love you to life.

I'm like, what?

That's so bizarre.

You know what's almost as annoying as when people stop saying, he did a complete 180, and they go, he did a complete 360.

Oh, yeah.

Or is it the other way around?

Yeah, they did a complete.

They used to be.

If you do a 360, you're exactly who you were.

Right.

And that's what everybody said up until like five years ago.

He did a 360, man.

And you're like, so he's the same.

He's the same person.

But then everyone figured out that it's 180.

Yeah.

And then we all switched to saying 180, but I'm okay with 360.

Like, I understand the intent of 360.

I'm not totally retarded.

Well, this, you might find this totally retarded.

But then again,

you might be be somebody who goes I get it.

Yeah, I don't know you might get this the way some of the things you've said that are so alarming Yeah, you didn't realize that like you know, you have to dry off with a towel.

Yeah, and you use I still hate it nap, you know pant napkins.

Yep.

So let's see what you think of this

I've never shitted in a tissue before you shit you touch shit every single day if you shit.

Why are you touching the shit?

The tissue is for the shit.

Are you telling me that y'all just let the doodle fall in the toilet?

y'all don't catch it every time

yo i am about to leave bro how do y'all take a shit

i must have seen this shit wrong my nigga catching my shit all these years now i'm more disgusted than like i feel like i can't continue what are you talking about i'm my stomach

sit there and shit right come right out

No way.

What happens if you got the rattons or something like that?

What do you do then?

Shit, you wash your hair.

Why do you think people wash wash their hands?

Yo, you shitting your hand, bro?

We'll kiss you.

Well, I do like that he

is examining what's coming out of him.

It's very important.

He's definitely doing that.

And also, you might take a lesson because you will be going to the Middle East soon and you wipe with your right, right, and shake with your left.

You wipe with your left and shake with your right.

Are you sure?

Can we Google that?

I don't need a Google.

You wipe with your right.

No.

you wipe with your left yes you shake with your right yeah

anyway

anyway this guy shits into his hand on the tissue he catches shit as it comes out on the tissue the right hand is for shaking hands and the left hand is for wiping after using the toilet yeah

yeah but you don't you wipe just with your hand and not toilet paper right in the middle east like they actually literally wipe on their hands.

I don't know.

I don't know.

You're going to find out.

No, no one's going to be there with me.

I'm still going to shit alone.

They'll tell you.

Is this dude, what's this called?

The bully beast podcast?

Bully podcast?

The bully and the beast radio show.

It's not on anymore.

Oh, so it's an older clip.

This guy, though, was saying that he has tissue in his hand and he catches the shit.

I love this.

I told you.

I love it.

I knew you would.

And I I wish I had the courage to do it.

You do have the courage to do it.

You do have the courage.

It scares me how hot it is in your hand when you would catch it.

I feel like

it's still warm.

But then you could really like.

I like that idea.

I know you do.

Of examining what's coming out.

Don't you?

No.

You don't like the idea of really getting in and seeing.

I've never looked, dude.

I've never looked.

You say this.

I don't believe it.

I've never looked.

I've never looked.

You don't look at your browns.

I mean, in, let's say I've taken 30,000 shits, I've looked at six.

Yeah.

I look every time.

Never look.

You have to look.

You don't.

I'll tell you why you don't, because I've never done it.

So you don't.

I don't.

But then you don't know the health

of your browns.

Doesn't bother me.

Then you don't know if your diet is okay.

Flush.

I just hit flush and it's gone.

And then I clean myself and then I leave.

If the turd falls to the bottom, that means it's good.

If it goes to the top, it means it's too greasy.

Great, you're eating too much grease.

You got to assess your bowel movement.

Look, this guy's got everything right in life.

I don't know what this chick is tripping because he's right on.

She's not tripping, she's

a normal human.

Yes, no, this guy's got the right idea.

You're out of your mind.

His mom did the right thing.

You got to teach them how to look at their doo-dos.

Well, just for your response on that, happy birthday, fat, pussy girl.

We're keeping it.

Happy birthday, fat, clean, tight, and good.

Happy birthday, fat, clean up.

I like it.

Okay, thank you.

I don't like him.

I don't like the song.

That's why I played it.

I fucking hate it.

Hey, let's talk about your dental update.

Nope.

Let's talk about something else.

No, no, no.

Now I really want to know your dental update.

I don't care.

So let's go.

Are you really?

The YMH audience is on Tenderhooks.

They are not.

They love this stuff.

This is a huge YMH thing.

This is as important as pulling your jeans up.

Dental updates?

I don't want to do it.

Gene.

Yes.

It's been so long since you've had one.

Probably too long.

This is why you hate it.

I get my teeth cleaned regularly.

I don't think you do.

And I think that's why you've probably got bad news.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

I've been on a great cleaning schedule, actually.

And then this tour, I think I've had to reschedule this appointment five times.

Oh.

So that really bummed me out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it ended up taking,

instead of being on the six-month schedule, it's like a year.

It's been like

14 months or something.

So it just, I was just more sensitive, you know?

Like the cleaning made it more, I was just more sensitive.

Was there a lot of blood?

No, not a lot of blood.

In the cleaning?

No, no blood.

You were more sensitive.

i was just like really sensitive to the

like you know nerve-wise like when they're scraping and stuff i was just like i was really hating it yeah and then when she graded your teeth did you hear her call out the numbers

did she give you a score yeah

yeah like around you did you hear a lot of ones no

what'd you hear twos and threes

Yeah, okay.

That's where you want to be.

You want to be twos and threes.

You hear more in the ones.

No, I was there was no ones.

Five times.

No, there was no five.

Which one is?

I forget which one's the bloodier.

The bloodier your gums are.

It just sucked, dude.

I really five.

It's just the feelings.

Yeah, the feelings were horrible.

Yeah.

Did she find any cavities?

Yeah.

How many?

She said it's really small, but she goes, I found one starting.

Wow.

Yeah.

Where?

Over here.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Molar.

Yeah.

Did you make an appointment to have it filled?

I said, let it go.

Yeah.

Let it turn into a root canal.

Those are fun.

Yeah.

Zero.

Healthy gums.

Oh, so I usually get zero.

Oh, no, now you're like, oh, you're three.

You're three.

Severe gum disease with significant bone loss and potential tooth loss.

She was screaming out twos and threes.

Moderate gum disease with deeper pockets and increased inflammation.

Yeah, you're up four, threes, twos.

Yeah, I'm zeros all the way.

That's not true.

Zeros.

This is what the gum grading system?

Yeah, like, you know, when she pokes you and she tells the assistant okay the number 47 that's a that's a four that will a three in the office she said you want to be twos and threes

she probably said that just you know okay

well this is what she said she goes you want to be twos and threes okay

this is the grading system that i don't think they're using there

it's it's universal It's not universal.

It is.

Otherwise, how would you?

You know what I know for sure?

Dentists.

I'll tell you what I know for sure.

You don't know fucking shit about gums.

That's what I know for sure.

There's not a fucking thing you know about gums.

You're not a periodontist.

You're not a fucking

technician.

You're not a dentist.

You don't know what I did.

You don't know what the fuck.

You don't know what the fuck I did.

You don't know what I did before I became a comedian.

Yeah, I do.

I know you did.

You spent a week in law school.

You've said it a bunch.

And I studied periodontic dauntistry, dummy.

Yeah.

You studied what?

Periodontical

things.

Dip shit.

You think I don't fucking know?

I floss every day, and I use the fucking thing to get in between.

Switch your bio today.

To what?

I don't know fuck about shit.

Wow.

Yeah.

You know what?

You're just grumpy because you got a stupid ass fucking cavity.

You know, you got to go back.

But isn't it nice?

Please, our dentist, they play those cute little animal videos for you.

Did you get to see the animal videos?

That was cute, though, right?

It was a good distraction.

Yeah.

It's on the ceiling.

So you look up and you see dogs and cats and shit.

Yeah, I like that.

And then she'll give you

nitrous if you want to party, but only if you're ready to party.

I didn't get it.

Yo, but when you get your filling, ask for the nitrous.

Oh, fuck it.

It's so fun.

But bring a pad and paper because you're going to have breakthroughs.

You'll understand things.

I'm serious.

I did it with mine.

Like, nitrous opens up the valves, bro.

You make connections.

You have inspirations.

Really?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

i did yeah you write things down write it down though i want to do more drugs i know

what kind

all of them well be can you be more specific well yeah i like the mind opening stuff most

psychedelics yeah

fun

fun stuff too you know let's get some molly let's get some yeah okay stronger you know let's fucking yeah you can do that you can do everything yeah yeah well okay i mean i'm I'm just letting you know.

I want to, I want to just be like, I want to be like, enter like a drug phase.

I think now is the time.

You're at the height of your career.

You got a young family.

Now you need to get into drugs.

This is the best time.

Are you being sarcastic?

No.

What would I be?

Are you crazy?

Yeah.

You act like I don't know shit about gums and now I don't know shit about drugs.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I would stand by both of those.

Oh,

but I do think you don't know fuck about shit.

Yeah, here you go.

What's the tongue thing?

That's you and you laugh.

Okay.

Stupid.

Lex Luther.

Haungy, shut up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

All right.

Here you go.

That was awesome.

That was good.

That was really good.

That sucks.

Yeah.

Because that was a choice, no?

Like, he chose to do that.

Yeah, I mean, he was trying, like, you could have walked your bike down.

He's like, I'm going to ride it down.

Yeah, bad idea, bro.

And that was cool.

He definitely hurt.

Big time.

That's not a good idea.

Oh, that's coming in hot, dude.

Oh, my God.

That

feels like it was pulled like a thousand meters too low.

Holy shit, that's so fast, bro.

Such a bad idea.

Where's it going to

onto people?

Can I tell you?

Of all the places you could land, too.

Listen, this is not in America, too.

This is like the Dominican Republic.

This is when white people go on vacation and they're not.

It's believed to be either Sri Lanka or Pakistani.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Miscalculates landing, it says.

Yes.

This guy's not going to a good hospital.

Holy life is over.

He fucked up someone's house, too.

That was a whole house.

That's like somebody's living for it.

I know.

That's

God.

That's Nejana's Philippine family.

That's their whole livelihood, God.

That is true.

That sucks.

Oh, yeah.

Will you check on them?

That's crazy.

She goes, and my deaf mute grandmother is their servant.

Oh,

for real?

Yeah.

Wow.

Can we send them like $10 and just.

I'm not sending that much.

What?

Oh, shit.

That's perfectly fine.

That's awesome.

Oh, my God.

That's frat boy shit.

The foot got caught on the lip of the roof.

You saw that, right?

No.

Look at his foot.

Look at his foot.

But where was this fool going to land in the first place?

Where was he trying to?

He was trying to land more flat, I think.

On the table?

Yeah.

People do like table crashes, you know?

That's stupid.

Yeah, but the foot, yeah, that was fucking great.

We'll see where that is.

I know what Ennie's thinking right now.

Yeah, he's like, this is white people shit.

I mean, it is.

It is kind of white people shit, though.

You don't see black people doing this shit.

Never.

Never.

Never do you see black people.

Let's get up on the roof and jump off of this shit.

Never.

I mean, honestly, probably none of your horrible,

hilarious clips, I feel like none of them are black people because we don't do stupid shit like that.

Yeah.

That is so true.

It's again

cultural.

It is cultural.

Yeah, you're absolutely right.

I don't know why the whites are drawn to this.

Because we all got problems.

Yes, right.

Oh, because if you don't have problems, you're like, let's create a problem.

Let's create some bullshit.

Yeah, man.

You know what?

I need some danger.

That would be fun.

This is the same reason white people like to be bummed out at the movies because their lives aren't tragic enough.

It's not built into their lives.

They have to go cry at a fucking movie about

somebody else getting poor, somebody else getting cancer somebody else like

that's where the white bummer genre originates oh white people love to feel uh sad for unfortunate others why you think why you think they started cold plunges yeah oh of course suffering yeah

but everywhere else in the world they live in a cold plunges i even have this thing now

when somebody goes hey have you seen this movie and i'll be like what movie and then they'll tell me i go isn't that the one with like the legless kid you know no and they're like it's so powerful yeah i'm like yeah i'm good

they're like no no and they try to convince me i go i don't want to see it nope i don't care i don't want to see it

i don't want to see anything with children getting hurt ever i never like cancer yeah i've been through cancer i don't want i never wanted to see it before i had breast cancer and i certainly don't want to see it now cancer movies the the i lost my child oh you're like i don't want to see it or the one where like i have the news you know i can watch the news whenever I want.

Scroll TikTok.

Or it's the beautiful woman who's dying of the terminal illness.

It's like, Charlize Theron is dying and she wants to fuck for the last time or something.

Some cute boy.

It's like, I don't want it.

I don't think that's.

That is.

Isn't that the movie Apple Greenhouse?

The Cider House Greens?

Cider House Greens.

Cider House Rules.

Isn't she dying of AIDS or something?

And then she's like, I want one last fuck?

One last dick.

Well, there's this show, actually.

I've seen parts of it.

It's quite good.

It's called Dying for Sex, where she has has terminal breast cancer, and all she wants to do is have sex, which I look,

that was not my first thought when I had breast cancer.

It was, gosh, I'm horny.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

One of the last thoughts, especially radiation, surgery, and whatever.

It's a good show.

And I think it won a bunch of awards.

And the clips look really good.

I can't bring myself to watch it.

It's never going to fucking happen.

But that's the premise.

I'm dying and I want to fuck more.

She wants to fuck.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes.

But because she was kind of repressed, she had a marriage that was sexless.

The guy wouldn't have sex with her while she was actively having cancer.

And so she realized, like, I never had an orgasm.

I've never been experimental.

And she's so young that the premise is she goes and she explores her sexuality as she's dying.

It's a great premise.

Don't get me wrong.

No, no, yeah.

Personally, I'm like,

this is the least thing I want to do.

Does she, like, then fuck a lot and go, I guess I'm going to die now?

Spoiler alert, she falls in love, I think, because I've seen enough clips on TikTok.

I'm not 100% sure.

But she finds like the love of her life and they have a kinky sex life and it's great.

And she lives?

I think she still dies.

I don't know.

I haven't seen the show.

I'm sorry.

Has anyone in there seen it?

Can tell me?

Okay.

Because that'd be a real bummer.

If she lives.

If she lives.

And she's just, everyone's run a train on her through New York City.

Well, also, it's like, you did this because you're like, I'm about to dip out.

It's like it's a better story if you die.

Of course.

And also, when you have chemo, people can't even sit on your toilet seat because you're radioactive.

So actually, having sex with a lot of people without stuff would probably be dangerous to people.

Well, I'll just say it's right.

I hope she's dead.

She's a good actress.

Is she?

Is it Michelle Williams?

Gosh, I'm sorry.

She's great.

It's a great cast.

Like, I feel like a dick.

I haven't even watched it.

I shouldn't even fucking.

But again, like, I can't watch it because I've had breast cancer.

No thanks, Tom Hanks.

Okay.

I don't want to remember it.

Anyway, what's her name?

She's great.

It's Michelle Williams.

She's such a great.

And her best friend in it

is a comedic actress, Jenny Slayer.

And it is a limited series, so it should have an ending, which should be death.

Yes.

Unless they do it for horny cancer ladies every season, there's a different horny cancer lady.

Man, I don't know.

Probably not.

We're back.

Back with another dying lady.

Another horny lady.

You guys ready?

Buckle up.

She's going to fuck too.

All right.

Here's one more for you.

Heavy skateboarders.

Never good.

Oh, fuck.

Shit.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I really

Yeah, that's uh

there's a reason like skateboarders are long and lean.

Yeah, that's a good build.

Poor guy.

I mean, he had some skills.

It wasn't his first time on a skateboard, for sure.

That sucks.

That one sucks.

Fuck, man.

Wait, this is a great thing, though.

Speaking of dying and all this shit.

Yeah.

You proposed this question the other day.

We haven't talked about it, actually.

Yes.

I saw this great clip.

Amy Poehler has a podcast and she asked Tina Faye.

Yes, this is what it was.

Who's the person you're most afraid of becoming?

That's such a good question.

And it's such a great question.

That's such a great question.

And Tina Faye is like, I can't say the answer out loud.

And so she types it to Amy Poehler and she's like, I need your help translating this.

And she was like, so Tina Faye's least favorite person, she was going to become was like the old show business person who knows everything and is like, let me tell you how it is in this business, kid.

Yeah, yeah, I gotta tell you, back in my day, we did da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Yeah, so that's her nightmare.

But what's your nightmare?

Like, who do you dread becoming?

That's a great, I mean, that's the thing your brain starts to go into, like, oh man, you know, like the way to answer it is, like, who do you see now?

And you're like, oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Like, that's your answer, right?

Like, yeah.

So, like, who is that?

That's what I'm, that's what I'm trying to nail down.

It's like, who do I go?

Like,

like, who,

you know, my brain went to like, what's the most repulsive type of person?

And for me, it was my, my poor mother who was so mentally ill.

And she so badly wanted connection with other people,

but she ended up dying alone because she pissed everybody off.

Yeah.

And she was so miserable to be around and she was a shut-in.

And I think that's my worst fear is like dying alone.

Nobody likes me because nobody wants to be around me because I'm such a miserable.

Yeah,

and then that's like being a real victim too and being like oh like I just can't like nobody likes me and I

Because I've worked so hard to overcome those things from my family.

Yeah, like I've inherited so much of that bullshit that I'm like I don't want to be that that's my nightmare.

Yeah,

and then like being real fat obviously

like like let me let me explain just being like really neglectful neglectful

of my body.

Yes.

Because it does correlate to your insides.

It's like, if you let this thing go, it's like, I don't give a rip anymore about

life.

Those are good ones.

That's a good one.

I think

along.

Well, I think along the lines of the same thing.

Like, I remember, you know, there's certain things that stick with you.

I remember talking to this guy, and he was like, you know, when you see a guy, and he's like in his 50s?

And when you see him, you're like, the fuck happened to this guy?

Yeah.

That's for the physical part where you're like, like, wow, he really neglected himself.

Same kind of thing where you're like, Jesus, man.

So like physically that.

Professionally,

the thing that I've loathed the most is when you see somebody

and they

download to you how, like, you know how it is.

Like, shit just.

The victim.

Yeah, they're victims.

But they're like, no, they don't want anyone like me doing it.

So, and you're like, hmm, that's not why.

That's not why you didn't get the gig.

It's not because they were like, we don't want someone like you.

They don't want you because you're like this traveling pocket of negativity that walks into the room and everyone wants to jump out a window.

So I guess I just, I don't want to be the negative excuse-making guy.

The guy who's.

I think we're the same.

I think we're fearing similar things.

Similar things.

I've always, but I've always loathed that guy.

Like, there were so many comedians, especially like in our development years, who right away I was like, this guy's not good to hang out with because he was always like, always telling you the reason why things aren't going well.

He leads with it and it's always, it's never him.

It's always like the guys that are, you know, picking who to put and like, no one's picking, but you're not good.

Yes.

Your shit sucks.

You know, you're not facing the fucking reality of the fact that you suck.

Like, I hate those people that are always coming up with their excuses of why it didn't work out.

So, I would hate to become that guy.

God damn, that's a good one.

Yeah.

That's a good one because, in comedy, you know, the one blessing in the skies about comedy is that it really is a game of attrition.

Yeah.

Meaning, the longer you stay in there, the better your chances get.

It's a game of attrition.

Truly, it takes 15 years, let's say, as a baseline, 10 years

if you're lucky, 20.

And then it's a skill that must be repeated, honed.

You must have discipline.

You must have fortitude.

You must get your teeth kicked in nightly for years.

For years, yeah.

And get up and do it.

And a lot of dudes don't want to make

that sacrifice of getting your teeth kicked in and fighting.

And fuck you.

I'm going to do this and doing it and doing it and getting your ball.

It's, it's a lot, but it's not for everybody for sure.

But it's true, yes.

That bummer guy, though.

I don't want to be the bummer guy.

I know.

Like you walked in.

I don't want to do that either.

Oh, shit.

That, yes.

Oh, fucking.

It sucks the air out of him.

Yeah, because we all know him.

Of course.

You're like, this guy.

It's Colin Robinson from what we do in the shadows.

He's the emotional vampire.

Emotional vampire.

He's such a perfect character.

Yeah, and we have emotional vampires in our life.

And you're just like, that was my mom.

Yeah.

Just dude, you know what it is?

Is they're walking wounds.

You know, they're walking fucking succubus wounds.

and instead of trying to fucking sort it out themselves it becomes your responsibility yeah to sort their shit out and you're like dude i can't i've only got one lifetime bro i'm just trying to do do my stuff i can't be responsible for your bullshit too it's too much yeah

and also i think i i really fear being a burden to my children as i that's a real one for you you've brought that up a lot because my mother made me her caregiver from the time i was born.

I existed to be my mom's caregiver.

And I really, it really messes with children's heads.

It's very sabotaging.

And especially as I age and stuff, like, praise Allah,

we have resources, and I can check myself into an old folk's home and be like, I'm going to die here.

You guys just live your life.

Yeah, enjoy your life.

Fine.

I'm going to go to Florida.

Your dad's been dead long ago.

I've already got the 28-year-old Puerto Rican stepdad for you.

And just, you know, I'm going to die in boca.

Yeah.

Fine.

Right?

And at least lie to them, even if you're not fine.

You don't put it on them.

Because my mother would be like,

oh my God, everything.

Like, I have console.

Like, she would fucking

just drain me.

Come here and take care of me.

Yeah.

You fucking asshole.

Whereas, you know, I'm the complete opposite, where I hid it from the kids.

Like, I'm going to fucking, I would do radiation, come home.

Like, no, no, I'm fine.

Yeah.

Let's fucking keep going.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you don't want them to carry it.

Of course.

It's not their responsibility.

Anyway, that's why I'm so emotional.

No, I know.

I'm so embarrassed for having feelings.

Yeah.

No, it's normal.

Oh, it's so embarrassing.

It's good to have feelings.

I hate myself.

Why?

Just kidding.

Like, I'm not kidding at all.

I'm so embarrassed.

You don't hate that.

No, you fuck.

Well, this is what you hate.

Why did you do that just now?

Do you see how you just reinforced my shame?

I said, Oh, I'm vulnerable.

I have a feeling, and then you showed me my least favorite.

I didn't mean to do that.

I'm sorry about that.

Here's something else.

Probably a fucking immigrant.

Probably fucking immigrant.

Look at this, right here, bro.

Yeah, probably.

I've got the right-of-way.

I've got the right-of-way, Cabron.

Are you shooting me?

Hey, Cabron.

Hey, you fucking idiot.

You fucking idiots.

We're about to mainstream.

Cocksucker.

Fuck off.

Cocksucker.

Probably an immigrant.

Yeah, yeah, we're going to be able to.

Cabrone.

Cabrone.

Yeah.

Fucking rear dart.

Yeah.

Cabrone.

Hey, Cabrone.

You can't even say it right, you fucking cracker.

Rhode Island represents

probably an immigrant.

Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because his family's from America, right?

They were always from America.

They were in Native American.

He was in NorCal.

Yeah.

NorCal?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Old guy.

Yep.

Cabron.

Cabrone.

There's no way this old Cabron wants this shared with everybody.

Cabrone.

I mean, he's got some

Cajonis to fuck with a younger.

Yeah.

Latin male, no?

Isn't that?

Yeah,

this is kind of crazy.

Anytime you get out of your car, you're asking for real problems, you know?

Yeah, and if you're an older gentleman and you're going up to somebody 40 years younger, yeah, you're definitely rolling the dice, man.

That's crazy as shit to do.

Forgive my ignorance because women don't beat the shit out of each other.

Is it common for like a younger man to beat the shit out of an older guy?

I mean, I wouldn't say that it's common, but it's certainly happened countless times.

I mean, if you get out of the car with this energy, you have no idea who's in the other car.

Like, I've been in a car full of rage and been like, I want to get out of the car.

And some part of your brain usually just goes,

you know, someone could have a gun.

You could have, you know, you could be like a fucking super violent dude.

Like, you check yourself because you go, I'm being irrational.

You know, this guy's fucking reason just left his very dopey face.

And then he just decided to see what he's lucky.

This guy's lucky as shit.

Oh, no kidding.

Yeah.

Boy, growing up in my neighborhood, you don't call some guy a fucking immigrant.

I mean, not all immigrants.

I know so many people that he could have said this to.

It would go

so sideways for him.

Yeah.

And the fucking thing.

And maybe they would take mercy on him because he's old.

That's it.

Maybe.

Maybe they would get mercy.

You know what it is?

He's in NorCal, bro.

If he said this in SoCal in the wrong neighborhood.

I mean,

he's in the same neighborhood.

It doesn't look like a bad one, though.

It's a lot of trees.

Nice stuff.

That's why he's confident.

He's in a nice area.

Yeah, he's like Marin County or something.

I will get out and give this young brown man a peace of my mind.

And then he just, yeah.

Yeah, this is his neighborhood.

That's why.

He's also leading with probably an immigrant.

So he's like, he's letting it known who he is, you know.

Well, look, there's plenty of states you can live in where there aren't many immigrants.

California, if you're not down with the immigrants.

He could go back home.

He could go back to Rhode Island.

There's a lot of non-whites there.

Yeah, it's a pretty white place.

I know.

It's all whites, right?

Yeah.

These places are whites.

Boston's whites.

So awesome if this guy

followed up with a statement.

Like if he put out a follow-up where he was like, Look,

I do think that guy was an immigrant.

And I know that there's different driving laws in different countries.

And I was just trying to explain to the Cabron

that this is how we do things here.

That guy had like a Mexican armband on.

Let me see.

Yeah, he showed him.

He showed him the flag here.

Nah.

He did.

Oh, he's from Mexico.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, it's not a t-shirt.

Okay, it's a t-shirt.

He was nice to him.

Oh, he was so nice.

Yeah, but.

The Mexican kid was so nice.

He was so cool, too.

Fucking hell.

Yeah.

Well.

Hey, Cabrone.

Listen here, Cabron.

You fucking idiot.

Yeah.

Well, fuck you, dude.

You're going to live in California.

The majority of the state is from Mexico.

So you're the fucking minority.

Yeah, you're targeting.

You're crazy.

Right?

How much of California is Mexican?

So confident walking over.

Such a fucking douchebag.

This guy might be a buck 45 soaking wet.

I know.

And he's just like, dum-da-dum.

Cabrone.

His genes are so low and loose, too.

Yeah.

All right.

Here we go.

The California population, around 40% of the total, right, is from Mexico.

So what are you doing?

You're the fucking.

Yeah, that's a lot, bro.

Yeah.

Here's some of your talks.

You want to see what you're going to do?

You want to get out of California.

You want to see what you've been cultivating?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen this guy.

He is so fast.

321 punches in 23 seconds.

He can't do that.

I'll tell you what.

I don't want to make it to the end, but that was pretty cool.

You're just going to take it for take his word on it that it's 321.

You can count them.

See this guy like on social media, and he's always doing some type of quick movement.

Yeah, and then it's a real mind fuck because he doesn't look like he does things quickly, you know.

You know, you can't judge a book by its cover, you can,

you totally can, yeah, you can.

Whoa,

hello, hello,

I didn't like that.

Let's move on.

What?

She's saying hello.

Holy shit, that was terrible.

Hello.

Recently, my partner introduced me to a practice that I've come to love.

Getting myself a treat whenever I do something hard or something that I don't want to do.

It's so good.

Life-changing.

She's here.

You can credit her with it.

Doctor's appointment, get a treat.

Send an email I've been putting off?

Get a treat.

Pay a bill?

Get a treat.

Is that Zolo?

Who is this?

It's not like him, I'm not sure.

It kind of looks like I can't see him.

Is that Josh?

Is that what he does when he's that where he's not here today?

That's a woman, sweetie.

Oh.

That's a lesbian.

Have a hard conversation.

Get a treat.

Make dinner when I'm really tired.

Get a treat.

This has transformed how I understand the world.

Oh, boy.

A treat doesn't have to be fancy or expensive.

Sometimes it's a piece of chocolate or a fun beverage, a sticker, or treating myself to a fun adventure.

But what it has taught me is how to celebrate myself, how to celebrate the little things.

And I've realized that when I celebrate, I don't just feel good.

I feel more grounded, more alive, more able to face what comes next.

That's so gay.

That was the gayest clip we've ever played on this show.

Okay, it's twofold.

Number one, it's like you're an adult.

You grow up.

There's just shit you're going to do I had to send a hard email.

You get a sign.

You know what?

I'm going to the Bahamas.

Okay.

Cool.

Adulthood is doing bad things and not getting hard.

Yeah, things are hard.

Number two, it reminded me of Bert because this is his mentality.

Very treat-based.

Yes.

And we see how that went.

Well, it doesn't look good.

It doesn't look good.

But maybe it's keeping him going.

Yeah.

Really into treats.

Yeah.

My partner, please credit me.

He's like, I answered my phone.

Treat time.

Treat time.

Yeah.

I wiped.

Treats.

Treats.

Yeah.

Tom, you went to the dentist today.

What kind of treat do you want?

Maybe a sticker.

Or a lolly?

Yeah.

Give me a lolly.

They give you a little lolly when you leave.

You're sugar-free, of course.

Of course.

Yeah, that's free.

September 11th

was a bad day,

and an ugly day

It ruined everybody's day It did twin towers came crumbling down

by the brutal terror

The terrorists took over the plains and crashed into the towers

people's lives were lost

I'm not doing that.

So it's so much longer.

I thought it was gonna be like a 20 second crime list.

It's like another fucking minute and a half.

Jesus.

This is, she's covering Elton John's song.

He sang that?

Those are his lyrics.

9-11 was a bad day.

You lived your life.

Well, we have a lot of music producers out there that listen.

Why don't you fucking throw some stank on it?

Let's make some songs here.

Let's really.

It was a real shit day.

The day the terrorists did that thing.

Fucking A.

Here, let's scroll forward and see where we are in her story.

It was not a good day.

Yeah.

Twin towers came crumbling.

Oh, it's a second, it's like the hook.

First responders

went fighting for us, saved the people out of the crumbling towers.

Yeah.

We need to remember everybody that fought for us, the lives that were lost.

A little pandering.

Yeah.

Also, I don't know that the visual aid is needed.

We all know what you're talking about.

But the one one smoking tower with the other plane moments from crashing into it, we got it.

Thank you.

Never forget.

Thank you, Hannah, for that beautiful tribute.

What do you think?

I'll tell you what the first crazy thing is.

The craziest thing

about this absolutely deplorable haircut is that this girl has a beautiful face.

I know.

It's like the first thing you're like, oh, she's pretty.

And then you're like, what the fuck did you do?

This is also maybe life's too good.

You know, your life's too good.

You know what I'm sick of?

Guys smiling at me and asking me for my phone number.

So what I'm going to do is just butcher my fucking head.

Yep.

What are we doing, sweetheart?

Like, you're really.

Oh, yeah.

Well, she's anti-makeup, too.

Yeah, whatever.

She's a pretty girl, and she decided to do that.

Ah, it's tough.

It's fine.

It's self-sabotage, but whatever.

That's tough.

You look like shit.

Yeah, that's not a cool.

Maybe she hasn't heard that enough.

No one's been like, you look like shit.

I'll tell you what.

My father, when I was 14 years old, I shaved a mohawk into my hair with the family's dog clippers.

And it was around Christmas.

And I came walking down the stairs with an orange mohawk.

And what'd he say?

He goes, nah, looks good.

He goes, this is not original, by the way.

So he totally invalidated.

That's a kind of a cool thing for a dad to do that.

A thousand percent he he did the right move, which was like, that's not even original.

Yeah.

And I was like, well, yeah, I mean,

yeah, shit.

And I felt like a dildo immediately.

Yeah.

Someone just needs to go, that's not that fucking cool.

Yeah.

Your shit sucks.

This is like a, what is this, a Native American haircut or something?

Yeah, I don't know.

A Mohican haircut.

This is terrible.

It's bad.

Whatever it is, it sucks.

Yeah.

Hey, say you're my murderer.

Finished product done.

If it really drip, I still don't call me Islam with my lie.

I'll just take they whip and put it back in my head.

And why they bow.

But I'm not.

I'll quit.

I'll tell they stand they stole.

Put in my hair.

I'm a murderer because I'm from the sky.

I mean, that was the same shit.

Is this one of those two brothers that make out with each other?

No, he was specifically saying, Don't call him that.

He said that in this?

Yeah, you speak

retard.

How did you understand that?

I don't know.

I just heard you said something about Island Boy.

Yeah.

Finished product done.

If he redripped,

don't call me Island Boy, my line.

I just took they wit, put right in my head, and why they bow.

This should give

so many dudes confidence

because this guy for sure gets laid.

Oh, yeah.

And if he gets laid,

You can get laid too.

This guy's doing it.

You can do it.

He's cute, too.

Yeah.

He's got a stupid look, but he looks cute.

Yeah, he looks cute.

Maybe he should date the girl with half a fucking head.

That's true.

Maybe that's what she's looking for.

Love connection.

Yeah.

Okay.

This one's a soft mount taxi dirty.

Shit.

She has a weighted body and posable legs.

What do you think?

Are we doing this?

Professionally tanned and ethically sourced.

I mean, I'm not mad at this shit, but I don't like it.

I don't like it either.

I don't want it.

I don't want to be near it.

I never want it in the house, and I don't want to go into your house if this is what you're doing.

I don't like it.

If it works for you, I'm happy for you.

I don't like this.

But why doesn't it work?

Because I enjoy taxidermy.

I think it's sometimes fun.

Yeah.

But I don't like that she's like moving and playing with it.

Is that what it is?

Well, that's why she's not as a huge fan of it.

That's what she's advertising it.

She's just like, look what you can do.

You can fold it up, make it sit in the chair, have it dangle off of the banister.

However you used to see him.

Fuck.

I don't like the motion of it.

It's supposed to be still so that you know it's taxidermy, it's obvious.

Yeah, this is just so strange.

Yeah.

He found you.

I mean, look, life is full of surprises.

I did not expect to meet H and for this to be our love story.

And, you know, I'm very lucky.

I am married to.

the

funniest, sweetest, most charming.

I mean, he's all the things that you're describing.

And he's an amazing father.

And so, you know,

I count my blessings because I have him.

And also, I have a partner who is so supportive of me.

And so I will tell you, just, you know, when I was...

This guy's perfect.

I was a babysitter nanny for two Irish Catholic families when I was in college.

And one of the dads said to me, he's like, you know, Megan, when you meet your person one day,

I want him to say to you the same thing that I said to my wife when we got married, which is, I vow to always date my wife.

And I told H that when we started dating, he goes, I vow to always date you.

So we have this connection, I think, because we're so committed to treating each other the same way you did before you had a ring on it, before it was locked down, when you're just courting each other and you can see all the good and joy in that butterfly period.

And that's, I think, what keeps things really alive.

Good things being said.

Everybody's on point.

Perfect, perfect.

Good answer.

I would

have meet my age.

That'll treat me like we did the first time.

That's what this lady's thinking right here.

I can't wait to meet my age.

She just keeps dating.

Just keep dating.

Keep trying.

You know, the message isn't bad.

I think that everybody who watches this just hates her.

Well, I'll tell you, honestly, you know, you and I have been married for 47 years now.

Is that it?

Yeah.

And

I love you.

I adore you.

I just don't think it's authentic to be this

overly effusive about your...

your husband.

Because this is a performance.

Of course.

It's horseshit.

Yeah.

I mean, H farts and it smells like roses and

H.

He still opens the door when I walk in front of him.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Especially after

two small kids.

That's the thing where you're like, well, how are you dating still?

Nah, you're not dating, babe.

You're dating with the little babies around?

Come on, babes.

Pew.

You're like, haha.

It's so romantic.

Yeah, and poor Drew Barrymore has to listen to this horse shit.

Oh, consent matters.

Even in nature.

I don't just hug trees.

I wait for them to to say yes.

If my body leans in, that's the this time the tree agreed.

So I stepped in.

How does she know the tree agreed?

This is a joke for sure, right?

No.

This is a serious person.

Yeah, there's people that talk to trees now.

How does the tree reject you?

That I don't know.

But I do know that there are people who go, tree, if you're listening, answer me.

And then like the wind will blow eventually, and then the leaf will like touch their cheek and they go, oh,

I'm not retarded.

The tree talk to me.

yeah

okay what did he say one thing you wish people understood about you more in love with something nothing nothing oh fuck you

it's the greatest clip in the world

nothing fuck you yeah i feel the same way the older i get because you get it now you're like it don't you don't need to be understood by everyone it it's it's pointless you can't do it it's it's impossible and i think when you're that scrutinized oh and well-known,

this guy probably would love a departure from people recognizing him

and questioning him and saying things that he's just, that's the most genuine answer he could give.

What do you want to know more about me?

Fuck you.

That's what I want you to know.

Nothing.

You don't need to understand it.

God.

It's a great way to go through life.

It really is.

Actually, and I think this is what happens.

One of the privileges of aging is that you go, I don't need to be underscore.

Yeah, exactly.

It's okay.

And also when you've, you know, when you start to get recognized, it's a whole thing.

And then you kind of settle, and then you get, you know, for him, I'm saying

so world famous and known, it's probably like he's just tired of it.

Of questions and inquiries and what do you think?

He's just fuck off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're not going to understand him because he's been through things that mere mortals can't understand.

You're never going to be on this guy's level in terms of what he's achieved, who he's been, what he's been through.

never.

So he's right.

You can't understand him.

Yeah, so fuck off.

He's so special.

Yeah.

This guy's in his own league.

All right.

Well, we should wrap it up, Gene.

I love you too.

You're just so special.

You're the most perfect husband.

You're just the most perfect partner.

You're so supportive.

I'd love to just keep dating.

Let's just keep dating.

That's the key to it all.

Oh, fuck off.

All right.

See you guys next week.

Bye, mommy.

I guess he's an alpha, huh?

He's definitely an alpha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he's clearly an alpha.

She's a ted, I tell her she's a four.

Oh, fuck you, itch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dump that bitch.

Dump that up that.

As she's a ted, I tell her she's a four.

Fuck you, itch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dump that bitch.

You guys have to understand.

You see, woman can only be the man of either alpha or beta.

You see,

you guys have to understand.

You see.

You see, the female brain lacks intellectual capacity.

And because a female lacks intellectual capacity, she therefore cannot fathom the fact that hey, a man can be altogether.

She's a ted, I tell her she's a four.

Fuck you, itch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah, yeah,

dump that bitch.

As she's a ted, I tell her she's a four.

Fuck you, itch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dump that bitch.

You guys have to understand.

Dump that up that.

You can be provider and you can be the guy who's not attacking your achievements that lady.

Woman.

You guys have to understand.

You see, women are closer to animals than they are to man.

You know, if a grizzly bear is gonna come after you, a grizzly bear is gonna come after you because you're either a threat

or you are food.

You're not gonna come after you because you're food and a threat.

It doesn't work like that.

You're either a breath or a food, okay?

Same thing with women.

You're either beta or you are alpha.

She's a Ted, I tell her she's a four.

Fuck you, bitch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dump that.

Dump that up that dump that bitch.

She's a dead.

I tell her she's a four.

Fuck you, itch.

Dump that bitch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dump that bitch.

Dump that up, that bitch.

Dump that bitch.

This Friday, I'm an angel.

See the wings?

Don't miss the new comedy Good Fortune, starring Seth Rogan, Aziz Sansari, and Kiana Reeves.

Critics rave, he's haven't sent.

You have a budget, Guardian Angel?

Kinda.

You were very unhelpful.

Good Fortune, directed by Aziz Ansari.

Rated R.