A Hamburglar Halloween w/ Ryan Sickler | Your Mom's House Ep. 834

Speaker 1 Hey everyone, I'm filming my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets now at tomskira.com slash tour.

Speaker 1 Well, welcome.

Speaker 1 Welcome to your mom's house.

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Speaker 3 Ready in Hamesh.

Speaker 1 I'm

Speaker 1 right. Welcome to a very spooky episode of your mom's house.

Speaker 1 I forgot that today was a thing,

Speaker 1 but someone else didn't.

Speaker 3 What you're laughing at, you're very fat.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool.

Speaker 3 How dare you laugh at me and your obesity?

Speaker 1 I don't mean to

Speaker 1 I'm in character, just not that I really think you're fat. I'm Carl Augerville.
I understand.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 sitting here today with me is a legend in the world of fashion.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Tom, for acknowledging my brilliance.

Speaker 1 A kind of an asexual fashion god.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I am

Speaker 3 I wouldn't say I was I'm a homosexual, but yeah, I did not have

Speaker 3 relations. Otherwise, I would have died of AIDS.

Speaker 1 Right, because of the gays. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't have AIDS, Tom.

Speaker 1 You really, I mean, you went all out. This is,

Speaker 1 this is, you nailed it.

Speaker 3 Thank you. I got the fingerless gloves,

Speaker 3 which were, surprisingly, you can find this all on carlagerfeld.com and he sells the tie. I was going to say,

Speaker 1 did you just get a Mozart wig?

Speaker 3 Yeah, this is from Amazon. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the hairline's not perfect, but you know, hey. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got the tie from his site?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he sells them.

Speaker 1 Like, well, he not him. He's dead, but

Speaker 3 you can buy the oversized thing, and this is from his website, as are the sparkly gloves. And I know you're interested.
Oh, there is the TV show I got inspired by him.

Speaker 1 He also loved it. He rarely smiled, right? Wasn't he always?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 they called him Kaiser Carl because he was just very into

Speaker 3 work. And he lives in a very sterile environment and he's just fully about fashion and the importance of fashion and that's it.

Speaker 3 And that is all. What happened to you, Tom? You're very lazy.

Speaker 3 You did not have a costume.

Speaker 3 Why did you not?

Speaker 1 I honestly totally forgot.

Speaker 3 You forgot? I forgot to.

Speaker 1 Vergessen?

Speaker 3 Hastu Vegesen? I don't even know how to say that shit anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He hated, I think he hated Jews, right? He was like anti-Semitic. He was quite an accusation.
Anti-fact.

Speaker 1 For someone to say, I go right, like, like, you're not sure. You're just going to label something?

Speaker 3 I think he was.

Speaker 1 They were saying crazy stuff. So that we could apologize if it's not true.

Speaker 3 So who? He's dead. Well, I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 You don't want someone's legacy to be that if it's not true.

Speaker 3 They all know. He was very

Speaker 3 polaroiding. He was a very polarizing guy.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 He made a lot of really cool comments.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Let's.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 He was condemned in

Speaker 1 making comments in 2017 that were described as anti-Semitic and Islamophobic. It's good when you hit all the fucking marks.

Speaker 1 It was made during a televised rant against German Chancellor Angela Merkel's immigration policy.

Speaker 1 Here's what he said. One cannot, even if there are decades between them, kill millions of Jews so you can bring millions of their worst enemies in their place.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 He also recounted a fabricated story. I know someone in Germany who took a young Syrian and after four days said, the greatest thing Germany invented was the Holocaust.
Jesus.

Speaker 1 That's pretty aggro.

Speaker 3 I didn't read that one before I bought the costume.

Speaker 1 His statements were immediately condemned by German media, French anti-racism groups, and Jewish organizations. They quickly claimed.
Jeez.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 But you cannot even say what's in your heart anymore. You can't make a joke.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, or just...

Speaker 3 What is wrong with you?

Speaker 1 You can't have opinions.

Speaker 3 You can't just say. Yeah.
This is a free country.

Speaker 1 Anyway, what's up with your new collection?

Speaker 3 I've been drawing very ferociously. I've been selling these lipsticks.
I've been selling them on my website, christinap.com. All kinds of new colors in the fall.

Speaker 3 And I'm very inspired. There they are.
We just did a new photo shoot with some very skinny, thin, beautiful models.

Speaker 1 None of them are fat.

Speaker 3 Nobody is fat. Yes.

Speaker 1 Bitch, you fat. Deal with it.
Deal with it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 There we go. That's what I'm up to.
Nice.

Speaker 1 You gotta be fucking retarded as fuck to not lose weight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's true. It's true.

Speaker 3 Speaking of oh, should we get into the update that I had for you?

Speaker 3 I don't want to get into it too early in the show.

Speaker 1 Here, let's open the show. Let's open it.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You ready? I'm ready, man.

Speaker 1 Let's fucking go, buddy.

Speaker 1 Let's go. Happy Hallow Jeans.

Speaker 3 Happy Halloween.

Speaker 1 I'm Ryan, and I was thinking to myself, damn, I have a high sex drive like a bunny rabbit. Only problem is, I got no one to fuck.

Speaker 1 Holy smee, don't bring anyone mother.

Speaker 1 I know what you're saying, dude.

Speaker 1 Welcome to your mom's house

Speaker 1 with Tom Segura, Tom, Tom Shutsu,

Speaker 3 and Christina Pajitsi.

Speaker 1 Welcome to your mom's house.

Speaker 1 Feel the beat, feel the beat,

Speaker 1 let it sing in your heart.

Speaker 1 Make it yours

Speaker 1 so you can make this song

Speaker 1 part of your soul.

Speaker 1 I'm Ron.

Speaker 1 You can fucking try me, Fatso.

Speaker 1 Um

Speaker 1 Omron. Omron.

Speaker 3 You know what's the problem is he needs to channel this energy into Verk. Yes.
Our bite.

Speaker 3 Makes you free.

Speaker 1 That's true.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So um

Speaker 1 what's what's the word uh Carl Lagerfeld? Are you excited for um you know

Speaker 1 the Hollow Halloween walking around getting candy? Are you a fan of that?

Speaker 3 I don't eat much candy as well. I'm on a specific diet to fit into Dior's size six.
I eat specific things. But not like you, I can tell you eat all the candies.
Oh, right.

Speaker 3 Just gobbles them up.

Speaker 1 Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Speaker 3 Steals them from the children.

Speaker 3 I'm so stupid. So I took our kids to the dentist a little while ago, and they're like, hey, you can bring back your Halloween candy and exchange it for toys.

Speaker 3 We have a program program where you can exchange the candy for toys. I was like, what kind of fucking satanic, demonic, anti-Christian, anti-American communist shit is that? Can you even imagine?

Speaker 1 You're doing your candy in. Your Halloween candy.

Speaker 3 Your hard-earned candy. You went door to door for it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's once a year, too. It's not like you're doing it every week.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, how square of a parent do you have to be? No. To be like,

Speaker 3 not even on the holiday.

Speaker 1 No candy for you. That sucks.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's a mega mega bummer. We know people that would.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know.
Yeah. We know them quite well.

Speaker 3 No fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're in the no fun zone.

Speaker 3 No fun zone.

Speaker 1 Got 13 more bites.

Speaker 1 Wowzer.

Speaker 3 That was on, or like, yeah, like, it's vacation.

Speaker 1 14 more bites

Speaker 1 of healthy stuff.

Speaker 1 Nine?

Speaker 3 I know, counting the bites.

Speaker 3 Jesus. Yeah.
I feel like if you make a big deal out of it, look,

Speaker 3 I have a relative who was denied all the sweets growing up. And then what happened?

Speaker 1 She grew up and she got,

Speaker 1 you know, where to find a big old bitch.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 3 She turned into a hoss because the minute she could buy her own groceries, she was making all the wrong choices.

Speaker 1 You can't restrict too much.

Speaker 3 No, it's a holiday, you fucking animals. And then there are people, there are parents who don't do

Speaker 1 Santa Claus

Speaker 1 that's fucking so sad that one's actually more sad because you know that all the other kids are like

Speaker 1 the wonder that you see the true wonder and innocence of they're like a magic man is coming down and then there's a kid whose parents are like no that's not happening it's just not real it's not real guys i don't want to lie to my children it's not it's not happening and there's nothing no one's coming there's no magic in the world put any cookies out no one's gonna fucking eat them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, there's no magic, there's no joy, there's nothing special. And you know what?

Speaker 3 They say they, this parents, they go, Yeah, but I don't want to lie to my kids, and they're gonna be disappointed.

Speaker 3 I'm like, if your kids haven't figured out that you lie to them about stuff by now, they're fucking stupid.

Speaker 1 You can't lie to them about a cool surprise, yeah. Like, you're not lying to them to hurt them.

Speaker 3 I lie to our kids all the time, and now they know it, and they're like, You're lying to me?

Speaker 1 I'm like, No, yeah, of course.

Speaker 3 And then I'm like, I'm sorry, I totally lied to you just now. But that's a good one.
Lie to kids, it's a good one. It's called fun lies, Fun surprise lies.

Speaker 3 Like, you like to surprise me, and you always lie to me, and you're a good actor, and it's kind of scary because I wonder what other things you're lying about. Cool.

Speaker 3 How many families you have in other towns?

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you know that

Speaker 1 we played this video?

Speaker 1 But also, just to park at this, denying. a child Christmas is the greatest crime of all.

Speaker 3 I think so.

Speaker 1 Even if you're, you don't have to be Christian to do it. You realize this is a cultural holiday.
It's not about,

Speaker 1 you know, they'll tell you, oh, it's the birth. No one gives a, come on.

Speaker 3 No one gives a shit about that.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 It's about having, it's about blowing a kid's mind with fun.

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Speaker 3 Did you some Jays do Santa?

Speaker 1 My family did. Thank God.
Yeah, see, that's a good J.

Speaker 3 But that's why you turned out so nice. And that's why you work here, man.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 You understand that Christmas is. Hanukkah doesn't have shit on Christmas.
No,

Speaker 1 everybody knows that.

Speaker 3 No, because

Speaker 3 You get like one crappy gift a day. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But they're like crummy gifts, right? They're not like blowing your mind gifts.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it's a whole different thing. It's not cool.
Yeah, here's a collection of like different interest rates from around the world. It's like, okay, cool.

Speaker 3 They do kind of live up to those stereotypes. They give away the gold chocolate coins, right? You get guilt.

Speaker 1 Guilt. Yeah.
Yeah. Guilt.

Speaker 3 Guilt.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. No, it's not this.
Christmas rules.

Speaker 3 Christmas rules.

Speaker 1 For a kid? Christmas rules.

Speaker 1 Everything. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Fucking, it's so good, dude. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, look, I like getting you a little gift today.

Speaker 3 Do you want to light the candle?

Speaker 1 Joshua. Joshua, you want a coin?

Speaker 3 Amanda brought you some galt.

Speaker 3 Don't eat it all, not at once.

Speaker 1 You're gonna burn your mouth on this soup. Oh my god, I sat next to this Jew broad by the pool.
Yeah. And she was like, I hate.
She's on the phone. She goes, I hit to give him $100,000.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting there like, what the fuck, lady? Like, we're just relaxing by the pool.

Speaker 1 She goes, can you believe it? I'd be homeless right now. I'd be homeless.
He made, I didn't know he made $14 million in 2018. Who knows what he did to make that? Is it even legal?

Speaker 1 And I was like, lady, we're fucking relaxing by the pool then you get in the pool and the guys were going back and forth about millions being stored here it was all money talk it was so bizarre it's almost like the stereotype was true yeah

Speaker 3 you know maybe it's coming out because carl's here maybe it is i'm not sure yeah but i grew up in uh the san fernando valley very jay heavy yeah meant to many bar mitzvahs bot mitzvahs growing up i'm a friend of the jays i'm a friend of the muslims but man that money chat, we were in Florida.

Speaker 3 We took a little holiday. Mommy needed to clear her head.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 man, it really was. They were talking about money.
Every fucking conversation.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what's up with that, Josh?

Speaker 3 Yeah, what is, is that true? You guys just talk about money all day long?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I think about it all day long, too.
Like, it's just kind of in you.

Speaker 1 It's just kind of in you. I've never seen somebody more afraid to gamble in my life.

Speaker 3 Really?

Speaker 1 It's not fun. It's not fun for me.

Speaker 3 I agree with you.

Speaker 1 It's stupid. Like, I'm just going to lose money.

Speaker 3 It is stupid.

Speaker 1 But that is like a very, you know. I'm not saying he's not smart.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 He's educated about it. It's an evolved kind of stance.
Like, why would I play with this money?

Speaker 1 Yes. It hurts so much more for me to lose it than it does any joy from winning it.

Speaker 1 What's the biggest gamble you've ever taken in that world? I did like 200 bucks on craps the other day at a casino and I lost it. And yeah, it just sucks.
Just ruined your money.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it was a bummer. What do you do when you lose the money?

Speaker 1 Just cry.

Speaker 1 You put on a hair shirt.

Speaker 1 And he's got the right answer.

Speaker 1 You go to the ATM. You go straight to the ATM.
That's what you crushed for. And they tell you, oh, your fucking limit today is too much.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Then you call the bank, you get more, it'll work. And then you win it back.
There you go. And you always win it back.
That's what people don't know. You always win it.

Speaker 3 Absolutely. The gambler always wins.

Speaker 1 Isn't that the same? That's the expression. It's the minute that you quit that you would have won.
That's how you do it. That's right.

Speaker 3 Never give up, loser. That's what they tell you.

Speaker 1 You're always about to hit big. You know what they tell you too when you play blackjack?

Speaker 1 When you reduce your bet, so they go, oh, so you want blackjack? Meaning, like, if you take your bet down, that's when you're gonna hit it big. So you gotta keep pushing.

Speaker 3 Keep pushing.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, bet big.

Speaker 3 And you're like, bik nya, please.

Speaker 3 Bic

Speaker 1 bik nya.

Speaker 1 Biknya.

Speaker 1 I see what you're doing.

Speaker 1 Is that in here? Do I have Biknya, please? I don't think I have it in here. Rap, rap, rap.

Speaker 1 So gross.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Huh.

Speaker 3 Well, I didn't know though. I didn't know that they really did talk about money all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It's crazy, dude.
A lot of people talk about money, though.

Speaker 3 But they're cool. You know, it's cool.
It's good. But I did, I did,

Speaker 3 there was a white guy who looked like just like a white guy, but he was talking with like a Latin accent. And to you, I was like, what? What's going on? And you go, babe, babe.

Speaker 1 It's Florida. This is Florida.
This is Florida.

Speaker 3 They're just, and I think what's special about Florida is that they have the best garbage white.

Speaker 1 The garbiest, trashiest whites in America live in Florida. The garbage white.
We're talking about non-J whites. Yes.
These are just like Gentile,

Speaker 1 trash humans. And they do congregate in the state of Florida.
And there's theories as to why.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 okay. Warm weather is always going to attract

Speaker 1 somebody that's like, well, where's it going to be easier to live?

Speaker 3 Vegas attracts.

Speaker 1 Warm weather. Yeah.
Arizona, trash bags. Trash bags, garbage.
Florida, massive trash bags. Trash bags.
So you got warm weather. So they're like, all right, it'll be nice.

Speaker 1 Even if I can't have a nice place, it'll be nice outside. True.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 1 No state income tax always draws in.

Speaker 3 Same with Arizona. Yeah, Texas.
Nevada, Texas.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What?

Speaker 1 Was it Montana? No, Washington, Tennessee, Maine.

Speaker 3 But still, I feel like Florida has the garbagiest whites.

Speaker 1 Right. So it's like, but I'm saying it's another thing.
It's like it's warmout. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Check.

Speaker 1 No state income tax.

Speaker 3 Fireworks are legal.

Speaker 1 Fireworks, easy to get guns, stand your ground, which is a law that's basically like that. Black guy is making me uncomfortable.
Can I kill him?

Speaker 1 That's what stand your ground basically is. They're like, what happened? This black guy walked up and I was like, you're black.
And so I shot him.

Speaker 1 And then they're like, oh, that makes sense.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Is that true?

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm obviously, you know, exaggerating, but the stand your ground law, yeah, since it has been

Speaker 1 enacted and been a law there, it's there's a disproportionate amount of black people dying. And the defense is stand your ground.
Great, great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like you can use deadly force if you feel like your life is in danger. And

Speaker 1 it's definitely.

Speaker 3 And you said that's here in Texas, too?

Speaker 1 Senior Grounds of Florida. I don't know if it's in Texas.
It's definitely in Florida.

Speaker 3 Because I was at the

Speaker 3 I was at the sporting goods store with Julian

Speaker 3 looking for binoculars to look at UFOs. And we were looking at the guns because our kids love guns.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I was like, hey, can I just buy a gun?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we don't have stand your ground, by the way. That's not here.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 I go to the guy, I'm like, can I just like buy one of these? He's like, yeah, you got to pass the background check. That'll take like a day or something like that.
And then that's it.

Speaker 3 I just walk out and he's like, well, it would help to take a class or something just to know the laws.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I was like, that's not like a suggestion.

Speaker 1 Bro, when I first got here, it took a week. I went to a pawn shop and I didn't, I barely showed him my ID and I got a gun.
I didn't, there was no date, wait. It was just ID.
I went to a gun store

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 I bought a gun where I was like, I was asking the same questions, like, how long is this going to take? And they're like, well, do you have your ID? And I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they go, okay, so let me go through here. And he goes, you know, technically I can get back to you in like.
24 hours.

Speaker 1 He's like, but hold on a second. He just like, da-da-da-da.
He goes, you're approved. You can get it.
He just gave it to me right there. You're Tomsicker.
He was like,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah.
So there was no weight.

Speaker 3 No wait.

Speaker 1 He's like, yeah, it went through the system. You're fine.

Speaker 3 Wild. And you can carry.
You can just carry.

Speaker 1 You can open carry without anything, or you can take a test online that takes about, I don't know, eight minutes. You can get a concealed carry permit.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's there's a lot of guns in this state.
A lot.

Speaker 3 A lot. But I will say, for some reason, I mean, you don't see people being shot dead all the time in the streets.

Speaker 1 I mean, no, not. I mean, it happens, but

Speaker 1 it's not like a regular daily thing here.

Speaker 3 No. I think it works as a deterrent, yeah?

Speaker 1 You just broke through on something here. Everybody should have guns.

Speaker 1 Everybody should have guns.

Speaker 3 Go buy yourself a gun.

Speaker 3 Can you imagine listening to this in the UK?

Speaker 3 Where they're like, it's not even possible.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of people around the world

Speaker 1 that have a hard time grasping our guns.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Europe is like, why? Why do you need it?

Speaker 1 I get it too. I get like the perspective on it being like, what the fuck? Everyone has guns.
But then the other thing is like, you don't understand how ingrained that is in the society here.

Speaker 1 It's hard to like really grasp that it's a big thing. You know, people really are adamant that they want their guns.
It's never going to be like, oh, we're taking, you know, your gun.

Speaker 1 People sometimes go like, they're going to take our guns. No, they're not.

Speaker 1 That's never going to happen. Not in America.

Speaker 1 It would be the biggest bloodbath ever. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's not happening.

Speaker 3 It's so, yeah. No, it's not going to happen.
This shit ain't happening, man.

Speaker 1 Mm-mm. All right, so this is what I want to show you.
A few weeks ago, I had shown you, I think, this guy. The thing about fighting me is that you're not going to beat my ass.

Speaker 1 You're not going to beat my ass. You're not going to beat.

Speaker 3 You're going to beat this pussy. I'm going to beat your pussy ass up.

Speaker 1 Oh. Okay.

Speaker 1 And I guess, I don't remember exactly. I guess I commented that I would beat the fuck out of this this guy.
Oh, wow. I was like, I'll beat your fucking ass.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't have done that.

Speaker 1 I think that's what I said.

Speaker 1 And, anyways, it got back to him.

Speaker 1 I got back to him. Damn.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So hold on to your seat, Carl. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Mr. Segora, I apologize, but you are not allowed to beat my ass.
As I said in that video, you would not be able to.

Speaker 3 So please keep your comments to yourself and do not threaten me, or I will have to seek

Speaker 3 counsel.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 1 First of all, how the hell does he know that term?

Speaker 1 I agree. This is a guy that can barely put a sentence together.
He knows to say counsel.

Speaker 3 That's true. He doesn't know what that means.
He thinks it's a milkshake.

Speaker 1 He's been watching tons of Law and Order. He's like, I'm going to

Speaker 1 think counsel.

Speaker 1 All right. I'm not going to, I'm not threatening you, dude.
I thought you were threatening us with the first video. That's right.
But I'm not threatening you. And I don't seek counsel.

Speaker 1 I don't want an issue with you. No, let's not get the law.
I certainly don't want to go to litigation. No, let's not get the law involved.

Speaker 3 It's very costly, sir. Yeah.
You want to hire an attorney? Good luck.

Speaker 1 Good buck.

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Speaker 1 Do you remember

Speaker 1 this, let's see, video?

Speaker 3 I'm looking at Peter Murphy behind you. He's enchanting me.

Speaker 1 Do you remember this video from the very beginning? Like when well a few years ago, I think, but it really blew our minds.

Speaker 3 For reference, this is how hairy my butt is right now.

Speaker 1 All right, so step one is to squeeze this and he gave tutorials on like hair like removing hair from your asshole, your balls, and these all have like 80 million views on YouTube.

Speaker 1 We were like, what the fuck is going on? And it just turned out that he fell into the category of like education when he was clearly like, here's how to fuck more. Okay, it was all about fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 this dude, I guess people are still discovering obviously this video all the time. You know, it's not like it's everyone's seen it, but this is for reference.

Speaker 3 This is how hairy my butt is right now.

Speaker 1 Whoa, whoa,

Speaker 1 what the fuck,

Speaker 1 what,

Speaker 1 what,

Speaker 1 what,

Speaker 1 what, yeah, YouTube, Yeah. What?

Speaker 1 Why did I pause it? It's stuck on my screen. I can't even look at my screen.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I'm going to just say one thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bro turned around again. He saw it again.
He did. I'm going to just say that.
Little sus. Little sus.
Little sus. Little sus.

Speaker 1 Little sus. I'm going to just say that.
There you go.

Speaker 3 You think he liked the hairy butt is what you're trying to say?

Speaker 1 Motherfucker paused it on the damn asshole. Paused it.
He could have just closed it, right? Yeah. I also think that he was in real shock.

Speaker 1 He was in real shock. He didn't know.
Good shock or bad shock.

Speaker 3 I don't know. Because he did set up

Speaker 1 a top that likes to get his ass eaten. Oh, great.
Okay. So.
It's a recent thing for me. Discovery? Yeah.
It really is.

Speaker 1 Wonderful thing. Like, I don't know.
Like, it's something I feel like I've been missing out on for a lot of years.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Big Boys Club. Yeah.
What you missing out on man

Speaker 1 dick that's what you've been missing out on

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 all right yeah life he said as he said life's so much better now he that's what he said life is better now i bet yeah still smiling ass

Speaker 1 all smiling and

Speaker 4 it's so important if you don't want to admit it that's fine but you do got to accept the fact that i'm gayer than you dude i fuck more butt than you do i suck more dick than you do i kiss more dudes than you do.

Speaker 4 I dress better. I wash my ass more than you do.

Speaker 4 I oil up and bust it down more than you do. They caught me down on Highway 72 banging 70 dudes.

Speaker 4 You ain't pulling these kind of numbers. You ain't doing this.
You can't power scale my gayness.

Speaker 3 Power scale my gayness. That was pretty dope.
Yeah, good for him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was awesome. Dude, the gays are just fucking trying to get my ass literally.

Speaker 1 I agree with that whole message. He is correct.
He is gayer.

Speaker 1 I don't know about the dressing part. Yeah, I was going to say.
Niggas wearing a t-shirt.

Speaker 1 I thought it was like a church's chicken shirt or something. Yeah, that's what it looks like.
Like, bro, you just got that for free. You got to wear something.
Your fashion is atrocious.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you're going to say that, you got to, you know, step it up.

Speaker 3 But he does have a clean face.

Speaker 1 He's not gay.

Speaker 1 I think it's a bit as well.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a fun bit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think it's a bit. Let me look at him.

Speaker 1 You want to see him again?

Speaker 1 Okay. He was delicious.
A little boy. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He's delectable.

Speaker 1 What is that? Logan's?

Speaker 3 Barbecue, probably.

Speaker 1 Roadhouse?

Speaker 3 Yeah. But then again, why would you claim to be super gay?

Speaker 1 He's just having fun. He's just being silly.
He's just a thing that white people do.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I've never understood it since I was a kid, man.

Speaker 1 White niggas in fucking school always. Oh, I'm fucking gay.

Speaker 1 Oh, slap my ass, man. Fucking Reed tried to slap my ass

Speaker 1 the other day at a bar. And I was strong.
I'm like, nigga, never do that again. I was not playing.
He tried to slap.

Speaker 1 He did. Oh, he did slap.
He did. He was like, go get him.
I was in the motherfucking bathroom like, dog.

Speaker 1 Dog.

Speaker 1 In the bathroom. That's hands, dog.
Like, we homies, but if we weren't homies, that's hands.

Speaker 1 You cannot do that. What if it, what if he'd given you like a front tickle?

Speaker 1 Dog.

Speaker 1 Dog.

Speaker 1 Just a tap. Whatever.

Speaker 1 I did that to a co-worker once. Oh, really?

Speaker 1 You see? You see?

Speaker 1 This is what white people do. This is what white men do.
I don't understand.

Speaker 3 They do. They're very homo-erotic.

Speaker 1 I don't understand.

Speaker 3 And they love jiu-jitsu. They love wrestling each other on the floor.

Speaker 3 It's just the culture, Annie.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, man.

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes

Speaker 1 you wrestle, you get all your

Speaker 1 tension and rage out, and then you give the winner's kiss. You go like that.
Like, I beat you.

Speaker 3 Right. At the end of jiu-jitsu, they teach the kids

Speaker 1 and just give each other a pecs on the yeah, it's cute, it's fun.

Speaker 3 I mean, I like, listen, any,

Speaker 3 I'm kind of with you here because I'm watching season two of Interview with a Vampire, which I love the show,

Speaker 3 but once I see gay kissing stuff, I get very like, oh, come on, man, dude.

Speaker 1 Like, do I have to fucking. Wow, you're getting like this.

Speaker 3 I mean, look,

Speaker 1 I just don't.

Speaker 3 I just don't. I don't need to fucking see it.
You know, and I like them. I like the story.

Speaker 1 Thank you, sir.

Speaker 3 Then maybe I'm homophobic.

Speaker 1 Maybe you are homophobic. That's not something to be proud of.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's not something to be proud of. But I don't dislike them.
I just don't like watching them court or French or I don't like watching them French.

Speaker 1 You're just like, I don't like love. I don't like affection between people.

Speaker 3 No, it's just like, because I like them independently. So right now it's season two.
It's with Armand and Louis. and there he is from Dubai to the right, one more to the right, that guy.

Speaker 3 And I like the guy who plays Armand, and I like the guy that plays Louis. And I like to imagine them as being ready for me.
Oh, heterosexual.

Speaker 3 And then they start Frenching each other, and then I get upset because I'm like, oh, man, like I.

Speaker 3 The fantasy was that the vampires would come and make me into a vampire, but they're not even interested in me. Sexually.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's such a bummer.

Speaker 1 Do they ever do a thing where they bite the pussy lips?

Speaker 1 I mean, there's so much blood down there anyway. They never just go for the source.

Speaker 3 That's a great idea. There's got to be a vampire out there that exclusively does that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. I mean, there's, I mean, you guys are just blood gushers.
So we are blood.

Speaker 3 I didn't even think about it.

Speaker 1 Why go for the neck? You got an open wound. Can I tell you something? Real talk? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I get nervous when I'm. on my period and we go on vacation.
Like, what if I'm in the ocean and like the animals?

Speaker 1 the animals sharks you mean sharks yeah they can tell and they'll come and well they can yeah they can sense that from a mile away that's what i'm saying like can you google that that if a woman's on her period even though she has a tampon in will she get eaten by a shark on vacation and specifically on vacation like does the shark recognize that she's having leisure time

Speaker 3 I'm trying to relax and have a marg.

Speaker 3 That can't be. That can't be.
It says no, there's no scientific evidence to support the claim that sharks are attracted to period blood as opposed to every other kind of blood.

Speaker 1 Oh, bullshit. Well, I mean, they're saying it's just not there.

Speaker 3 They're attracted primarily to fish blood and other prey. Menstrual blood does not contain the same chemical signals that attract sharks.

Speaker 1 There you go. There's your answer.
Thank God, dude. It is safe to swim on vacation.

Speaker 1 That's you're good to go now.

Speaker 1 Ugh.

Speaker 1 Dog, what?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 what is the show, bro?

Speaker 3 What is the show?

Speaker 1 This is our folder called For Any. No, no.

Speaker 3 And it's been a long time.

Speaker 1 Gay soft porn, though. Like, you can't just do that.

Speaker 1 You can. You can't.
It's all fun. YouTube should ban us.

Speaker 1 We should be banned.

Speaker 1 God, I'm reaching out to our YouTube contact. I'm like, check this shit out.
You know, the timestamps and everything.

Speaker 3 But any, I'm with you.

Speaker 1 It makes me uncomfortable, too.

Speaker 1 This is your show.

Speaker 3 But everything makes me uncomfortable on this show, to be fair.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 3 Most of the shit we watch is terrible.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 To me. Yeah.
Unless it's TikTok stuff, and then I really like it.

Speaker 1 Then you like it.

Speaker 3 I don't like fucking horny guys licking the air and stuff.

Speaker 1 You don't like this guy here? I like women who make me explode in my pants.

Speaker 1 There are only about 13 of you in the Pittsburgh area. Nice.

Speaker 1 So most of you have nothing to worry about. You got a lot of flakes on your shirt.

Speaker 3 He doesn't blink. He's very still.
He's laying down.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's got

Speaker 1 you're not it.

Speaker 1 Know what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 I don't like it.

Speaker 1 You don't like him?

Speaker 3 Babe.

Speaker 3 Some chicks may be a bit of a damn thing. I don't like it.

Speaker 3 I'm going to fucking puke. There's no way this works.
There's no fucking way there's a woman that's like, yeah.

Speaker 1 There is a woman. There might be 13.

Speaker 3 There's not 13 in the Pittsburgh.

Speaker 3 You don't think he closes deals? Never. Never.
Not a deal closed. No, I think you're not.
Not a deal.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you. Here's the thing.
They don't look the way he thinks they do, but he closes deals.

Speaker 3 So he could be a Florida white garbage.

Speaker 1 Oh, 100%.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I know guys like this and the guys that talk like this and they put up numbers and shit.
It is astonishing what they will claim is attractive

Speaker 3 but they do get it he gets it well because if he had like a small boat like a fishing boat yeah and then he's like come on come out on my boat he's had he's worked a lot of angles in his life that's the big angle for him is come out on my boat yeah yeah and then he just he gives her a six pack zimas or whatever i don't know trash drinks

Speaker 3 that's what florida trash love that they love to be on a boat playing loud shitty music well that's another thing you have the ocean.

Speaker 1 So if you're kind of a fuck-up and you don't like things work on ground, you can just kind of go, you know, I'm meant to be out there. You can kind of fuck up out there.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't really fuck with anybody.

Speaker 1 You get your dog and you get your hot stove and

Speaker 1 some fishing line.

Speaker 3 A dog on your boat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course. So cool from them.
Dogs love to be like. A lot of guys like that down there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to have the full neck beard,

Speaker 1 bad, blotchy skin.

Speaker 3 And do they live? They live on the boat, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like that's it.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You don't got to pay rent to nobody.

Speaker 1 And they sometimes they come ashore and they interact with people and everything starts to go sideways pretty quickly. So they go, I'm going back on the boat.
They're just not good. No.

Speaker 3 It's crazy because I actually, I know somebody whose brother is exactly what you're saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's not doing well, is he? Piece of shit. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 3 He's such a piece of shit, scumbag.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's how it is, man.
A bunch of fuck-ups. How did you know that?

Speaker 1 I grew up there.

Speaker 1 I know this world.

Speaker 3 It's amazing that you can tell.

Speaker 1 That show, Bloodline, really nails it. If you've never seen Bloodline, it's on Netflix.
I think they got three seasons. Dude, they really nail the Florida pieces of shit so well on this show.

Speaker 1 Everything, the looks, the way that they interact,

Speaker 1 they just nail it.

Speaker 3 Well, what I've noticed is the shirtlessness, it's always cutoff shorts

Speaker 3 and flip-flops.

Speaker 1 And you can wear that anywhere in florida bertrand bertrand wears flip-flops oh yeah almost every day everywhere that's his florida upbringing yeah there's a clip of him with sebastian where sebastian he's like sebastian's like i have makeup on and bur'ts like what i told you guys you should wear makeup and and then sebastian explains he's like well i mean you know if you do kimmel if you do conan right you're on television you they put some on you he's like and then this is cameras and it's being broadcast and like he kind of explains the the logic.

Speaker 1 And then Burt goes, yeah, like, I told you I should do it. He's like, you don't have to wear it.
You're not wearing shoes.

Speaker 1 It's the least of your concerns is what your face looks like.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, here it is. Go by.

Speaker 1 Are you serious? Yeah. I told you I should have fucking makeup on.
God, you look amazing. Well, thank you.

Speaker 1 Give me a take on the makeup. Like, this seems to be the form of entertainment that a lot of people are watching, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, when you go on Jimmy Kimmel or you go on a Conan O'Brien, whatever the show is, you wear any makeup? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 nothing really different here. We have cameras.
This is going to be broadcast to the world, right? I feel like,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 Little Powder, Little Foundation. Little Powder Foundation would have been smart.
I said, should I get fucking hair and makeup? And everyone's like, it's a podcast. I should have gotten hair.

Speaker 1 I should have gotten makeup. No, you shouldn't have gotten anything.

Speaker 1 You have no shoes on.

Speaker 1 So why would we even start with? I didn't even use soap in the shower. I have makeup.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. The red, it's blotchy now.
Is he out in the sun?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's in the sun. He goes outside a lot.

Speaker 1 I don't think he's a sun block guy.

Speaker 3 Because it's true. Look how healthy Sebastian looks.
Yeah. And then you cut to Bert.

Speaker 1 You think it's different lifestyles or no?

Speaker 3 It's like a sausage

Speaker 1 and a vegetable. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like a healthy green salad.

Speaker 3 Somebody that's taking care.

Speaker 1 And then, oh,

Speaker 1 there's

Speaker 1 Penne a vodka.

Speaker 3 A meatball sub right there. Jesus Christ.
He looks like a meatball sub. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, he's out there. He's doing it.
He's on tour. Get tickets.

Speaker 1 Last tour. All right, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back.

Speaker 1 And we are back, and our guest is one of our all-time favorites.

Speaker 1 You can see his new special, live and alive it's out now on his youtube channel it's ryan sickle everybody yeah thank you guys yes listen um

Speaker 1 i want to first apologize that i was unable to get a costume i just had a brow lift

Speaker 1 and They hit me up and said, hey, you got to get a costume. And I was like, I just had this brow lift.
I don't have time.

Speaker 1 I'm going to New York to the all. I'm banging these out.
I don't have time to get a costume. So I do apologize that you're the only one wearing a costume at the table, Christina.

Speaker 1 you still look great your brow lift i hope it turned out well i hope it looks half as good as yours thank you

Speaker 1 when i saw you the last time and i was like that's something i definitely want to do right now i want to willfully put myself through that you got to listen if you if you're anybody you need to get plastic surgery that's right so your inspiration for somebody now was was just simply your brow lift yeah just well your wife's brow lift i mean that was the inspiration i was like jesus christ look what she's doing over there i was like

Speaker 1 what do you think of her carl logerfellow do you like this well at first when i came in i'm ignorant i didn't even know who the you were why what's wrong with you because you're classless you don't like fashion and then they said

Speaker 1 who you were and

Speaker 1 and i was like why do assholes like this always are in charge why is that asshole like this always in charge of fashion yeah you know what i mean like you have like george washington and abling do you have or are and rach are do you have all at one time great uh carl logerfeld quotes and he was a real peach of a personality oh yeah wait have him pull up and you can read the Lagerfold quotes.

Speaker 1 So I actually pretty great.

Speaker 3 And I have a friend who was a runway model for him

Speaker 3 in the early 2000s.

Speaker 1 Did you ever meet him?

Speaker 3 And he called her fat.

Speaker 1 How what did she weigh? Like 120 pounds? Yeah, yeah. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 3 She's a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.

Speaker 1 Okay, I know who he is now that I see the melted face. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 No one wants to see curvy women on the runway.

Speaker 3 That's kind of true. There are nearly 30% of young people who are too fat.
So let's take care of the zillions of the too fat before we talk about the percentage that's left.

Speaker 3 He's kind of talking about...

Speaker 1 I don't even understand that, man. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't understand what the fuck he's talking about. But everybody in my family basically talks like that.

Speaker 1 Where's his sweat really quick?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Europeans are like brutal like this.
I mean, at least my people.

Speaker 1 What about this? Yes, some people say to me, you're too skinny, but never a skinny person says that to me. Only people who could you lose a few pounds say that

Speaker 1 Someone who's in shape never says that to me. It's just fat bullshit.
This is a great one.

Speaker 1 Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life, so you bought some sweatpants.
It's true.

Speaker 3 That one's true.

Speaker 1 That's fucking true. I don't buy that.
That's some bullshit right now.

Speaker 1 It's not defeat. It's comfort.
Oh my god.

Speaker 3 But what happened to you?

Speaker 1 He's saying somebody who prioritizes comfort over appearance, your life is a mess.

Speaker 1 Well, you're losing. I mean,

Speaker 1 you can simply look at me and tell that that's not the case at all. Okay.

Speaker 1 Look at me.

Speaker 3 What do you think of this, though?

Speaker 1 The fingerless gloves. I've always been a fan of fingerless gloves, though, forever.
I mean, everybody has

Speaker 3 what is the utility? Because he was an artist, so he would draw all day. But the gloves, this is counterproductive because when I go to the bathroom, I can't wash my hands.

Speaker 1 Oh, and they're fishnet, too. Didn't Madonna have those too?

Speaker 3 Yes, of course. No, Lagerfeld is the one.
But you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 All I was sure what his sexual preference was.

Speaker 3 He was an asexual homosexual. Thank you for asking.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
And I'm imagining we're keeping the palms nice and soft for the glut. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 His fingers are doing the magic, and the palms are

Speaker 1 running across

Speaker 1 skinny bodies. His disdain for the fat is really great.
My favorite. It's really great.

Speaker 3 It's my favorite.

Speaker 1 It like so grosses it out. Oh, he can't even.
And like his version, what he calls fat is not what we call fat.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Does he have a textbook like blood pressure should be 120 over 80? Does he have a height, weight for a woman that's ideal? Like publicly. Has he said the perfect female specimen is this?

Speaker 1 Has he ever gone on record with a with a barometer?

Speaker 3 I mean, look, the guy did Chanel for, you know, 10 years or more, and he designed for many houses.

Speaker 1 Look at the Chanel lineup. Very diverse.
I see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, lots, right?

Speaker 3 I'm sure he has a preference. He has to have.
Because he's old school, too. This guy was like, you know, from the 70s.
Yeah. This is, this is the beginning.

Speaker 1 I wish he would have had like a closeted, like, big,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 chubby black wife. That would be awesome.
You know what I mean? Off to the side. Like, you know how all the religious people are like, yeah, don't do this and that.

Speaker 1 And then they're all the ones in the kids.

Speaker 1 What if he just had some, you know, like.

Speaker 3 He did like food. So that was his thing, is that he was always eating sweets.
And he always had a weight problem. So I think that's why he deflected it out to everyone else.

Speaker 1 The world. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Put it into women's little girls' heads and fucked them up for dinner. He's like, because I didn't like it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I should look like those Chanel models. Why would I buy your Chanel models? They hate me, fucking Lagerfeld.

Speaker 1 So you know what? You're going to hate yourself for it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So then, so he literally did want to be a Dior size. something like 38 or 40.
So he did have them, he had a chef put him on a special diet just so he could fit into Dior size 38 or something.

Speaker 1 Lagerfeld was quite open about his disdain for women larger than a typical runway model size, which is considered zero to two.

Speaker 1 There you go. Good God.
Anything higher to two, my mom shopped at 16 plus.

Speaker 1 That was a story. But a size four, he would be like something to trim down, maybe.
Yeah. That would be disgusting.
A four would be like double what he prefers.

Speaker 1 The Carl Lagerfeld diet, so he had like an actual. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So this is how he ate to get slimmed down.
You know what I do? Very strict.

Speaker 1 Hamburgers, man. Hamburgers.

Speaker 1 You look great.

Speaker 1 Hamburger die. You look great.

Speaker 1 You look perfect. Yeah.
Yeah. I got this.
Cool guy. This reminds me of her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I'm going back for more.

Speaker 1 You think he has sweatpants on?

Speaker 1 You think he's awesome?

Speaker 3 He's giving up.

Speaker 1 Who won't it?

Speaker 1 Who won it?

Speaker 3 Who won it? Anybody in there?

Speaker 1 Some of the girls I saw them earlier getting kind of worked up over this.

Speaker 3 Who does want it? I gotta know. After all these years, I gotta know who wants this.
You don't feel anything when you see that? Not a fucking, it's dry and it went inside. God, I just don't get it.

Speaker 1 But you can agree that there's someone on this rock and outer space

Speaker 1 that's for that guy. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But who is it?

Speaker 1 That's what I want to know, too. But there's somebody.
There's somebody. Yeah.
Who is it?

Speaker 3 Not Lagerfeld approved.

Speaker 1 Definitely not. It ain't going to be a zero to two.
Not on.

Speaker 1 He posts videos of himself. Zero to two.
Doing this. He's doing this a lot.
Food, eating it in a sexual way.

Speaker 3 Please don't. I don't want to be sick.

Speaker 1 It's his go-to conversation.

Speaker 3 And I love pudding.

Speaker 1 Does anybody eat hamburgers like this?

Speaker 3 Tim, Tim, and Ryan, may I ask you this?

Speaker 3 Yeah. You guys are always, well, specifically, specifically you, you're always asking me, oh, that doesn't turn you on at all, his skills.

Speaker 3 So if you were to see a woman licking a pudding like that and saying, this could be your butthole, would you be turned on? Fuck yeah. Regardless of.

Speaker 1 It's interesting because if you would have said dick, I would have been like, nah. but you went butthole and now I'm thinking

Speaker 1 look what he's got right there. Oh, there you go.

Speaker 3 No comments yet.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's losing sprinkles.

Speaker 1 He's losing a butthole.

Speaker 3 Outside.

Speaker 1 Outside.

Speaker 1 He's probably on his lunch. Is he wearing an apron? Yeah, he's apologizing.

Speaker 1 This guy's cutting down. He works at the donut shop.

Speaker 1 You imagine you're an employer employer and you see that.

Speaker 1 You're like, oh, damn.

Speaker 1 Damn. Damn.

Speaker 1 Fuck you doing, man.

Speaker 1 I'm on lunch, man.

Speaker 1 We taste good, baby.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we got it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, no, please not again. It's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 Give me a dozen of you.

Speaker 1 Give me get a dozen classes, man. This guy's whole thing is tongue fucking food on the internet.
Yeah. He's got a following.
How many followers does he tell me? Oh, my God. 122.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's solid for this content.

Speaker 1 Are there tons of posts like this? Yeah, it's looks like it.

Speaker 3 Wow, it's all they're always one-note ponies, these guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they got one thing on their breast.

Speaker 1 That's kind of cute. Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Still.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 What is that? A peach? No, it's an orange.

Speaker 3 You ever seen your kids?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 The dog has never done this.

Speaker 1 You good, Unc?

Speaker 1 Hell no.

Speaker 1 People are like, what the fuck? It's halftime at the soccer game. This guy's over there doing his videos off to the side and shit out in public.

Speaker 1 All right, kids, let's go.

Speaker 1 Who wants that?

Speaker 3 Because that's always

Speaker 1 the question. Sucking on grapes.

Speaker 1 Like, what are you doing, man? I'm making my content.

Speaker 1 He's consistent. Like, that's the other thing.

Speaker 3 He's consistent. That's all it takes, is consistency over time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but there's another homeless guy. Oh, boy.

Speaker 1 There's a few. He keeps hitting up,

Speaker 1 right? Those are. Oh, there's a bunch.
Oh, boy. God, they're all knotted off on.
Oh, he's like. Sentinel.
You guys turned on by my shit.

Speaker 1 He's like, yo, hey, here's someone like fingering their own ass. Who's that?

Speaker 1 What's that guy doing? He's reaching down, grabbing his ass. Who put this doughnut back here? What's that?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What is he?

Speaker 1 Oh, that person's just out.

Speaker 1 Look at this, though. He's pro.
He's like, sort of documenting these heroin, the plight of everything going on in the city, and then all of a sudden, it switches to just tongue-fucking food.

Speaker 1 Like, one day he's like, you know, enough of this bullshit. Where's the difference? Where's the switch? Where's the switch?

Speaker 1 This could be you.

Speaker 1 Cinnamon Waffle.

Speaker 1 He had the lid on. He got the lid on.

Speaker 1 He had the lid on.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, baby. Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Now I'm getting sick.
I'm getting sick. This remind me of this female who I used to

Speaker 1 do this to.

Speaker 1 Someone wrote, This just gave me a yeast infection.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, brush your tongue.

Speaker 3 Yes, I had that thought too. It's dirty, bro.

Speaker 3 God damn, dude. Oh, you're nasty.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 Stop. But you're right.
He goes from like recording the plight of humanity to like, girl, I'm going to lick you like a wobble.

Speaker 1 You're like, this is. This is terrible.
This is guys bent in half, dead asleep here, addicted to heroin, man. Next one's like, la la la la la la la.

Speaker 1 okay, so it's funny. His first one is somebody nodding.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 No likes on that? No comments?

Speaker 1 Mary had a little lamb who snorted a lot of coke.

Speaker 1 Okay. Everywhere that Mary went.
He's got an apron. The cocaine was set to go.

Speaker 1 Okay, so so far there's no food there. That's the second post.

Speaker 1 Third. Oh, oh shit.
Oh shit.

Speaker 1 That's a little rubber bayonet. It's a banana patch.
Wait, but what's third?

Speaker 3 I think it's a banana puck.

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 He just wanna go. He went right to it.
You know what? Fuck it.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's a tongue.

Speaker 1 Got it.

Speaker 1 Okay, all right. Got it.

Speaker 3 Next, next, next.

Speaker 1 Well, it's just cool to see how artists evolve. Like, what did they do? Yeah, you know? Artists like yourself.
Yeah, yes, thank you. You've noticed my work.

Speaker 1 You want to even and out with a lady, so here's a lady.

Speaker 3 Please, please.

Speaker 1 Do you fucking can and Barbie eat my fucking shit as you die? Deceitful, ugly can and Barbie eat my shit as you die.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 3 I like her eyes. Like

Speaker 3 David Bowie thing, yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that slam poetry? What was it? I don't know. I feel like she's ramping up for a big night tonight.
Here's another thing I'm realizing.

Speaker 1 I know from living in Los Angeles that they give the homeless phones. You know this? No, I didn't know.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Homeless, all every homeless that used to live right out back of my old building, they all have cell phones. I'm like, what the fuck? They get a cell phone.
Why?

Speaker 3 Who are they calling?

Speaker 1 Who provides the phone? In the city? I guess. I really don't look into it, but I know that they all get phones because they all have phones and they're working phones.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if it's so they can, you know, do their programs or whatever. You can look it up.
These people need to stop getting fucking phones. That's what this is.
Really?

Speaker 1 I'm sure that guy, does that guy, the guy before, look like he's a normal fucking guy? No. That guy's not paying a bill.

Speaker 1 How is he paying a bill? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's getting pudding cups and fruit. That's all shit you can get free somewhere.

Speaker 1 There's nothing I saw him make. Yeah.
There's no steak. No.
There's not even any hand. There's no...
Where's the McDonald's? That's true. Where's the McDonald's?

Speaker 1 Yep. He don't have money.

Speaker 1 He's getting free shit. Here we go.
Look. Oh, no.
Federal Lifeline Program. What's it say?

Speaker 3 Provides free or discounted phone and internet service to eligible low-income households, including those experiencing homelessness.

Speaker 1 And that awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 The Federal Lifeline Program.

Speaker 1 But why?

Speaker 1 So they could do videos like this. Corny videos.

Speaker 1 I want to make a video of me eating an orange.

Speaker 1 This lady's scary as fuck. Yeah, that voice, too.
The eyes.

Speaker 3 No, she's cool. Don't you guys talk shit about it.
She's a witch, dude.

Speaker 1 I believe that. You brought up steak.
Have you seen this?

Speaker 1 Like, you know, there's all these different phobias that there's one where like people have this fear of like how foods might feel or taste to them.

Speaker 1 This guy is doing shit like this. I have an extreme fear of trying new foods, and today I'm trying

Speaker 1 steaks. This guy's in his

Speaker 1 freaks me out. My biggest concern is that you're a Phillies fan?

Speaker 1 This is going to be very chewy. I think I've said before that I don't do well with chewy.

Speaker 3 It is chewy, you're right.

Speaker 1 The smell is really strong. Yeah.
Steak. Where the fuck have you been?

Speaker 1 You've never smelled a steak? You've been to a cookout, motherfucker? That appealing.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's a big piece, but

Speaker 3 it doesn't look good, I will say. In all fairness.

Speaker 1 Like, you're going to do it. He's going to be a good thing.
He's going to get already. For steak.
Steak, dude.

Speaker 1 He's like.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 Why is it angering me so much?

Speaker 3 But it looks like it was boiled. It doesn't look good.

Speaker 1 You're right. You're right.

Speaker 1 Nasty. It's bothering you because you're a father.
This is unacceptable. This is

Speaker 1 unacceptable. I want to punch this man.

Speaker 1 Where is this man's father?

Speaker 1 He's father with the phone. He's his father.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure. You're 100% right.

Speaker 1 Well.

Speaker 1 The homeless guy? Let's see. He had a dad.
It's chewy. He definitely had a dad.
He smelled steak up there.

Speaker 1 My dad love me.

Speaker 3 I did it. He likes it.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 3 You like it?

Speaker 1 I did it. Yay.
I did it. Yay.

Speaker 1 I can't believe I swallowed that.

Speaker 3 That's awesome. Wow.

Speaker 1 That's a big victory. I swallowed it.

Speaker 1 I swallowed it. That's awesome.

Speaker 1 What is he eating? I don't

Speaker 1 know.

Speaker 1 I swallowed it. I did it.

Speaker 1 It wasn't as bad as I thought thought it would be. No, that was a steak, bro.
Please put this in a gay porn. That was scary.
Please put this under a gay porn. A six out of 10.
That was really

Speaker 1 a six out of ten.

Speaker 1 You're right, though. It does.
It looks like one of those people that used to broil a steak back, throw it in the bottom of the oven and shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that doesn't look like a good one.

Speaker 1 This is avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. I've dealt with this.
You have? My daughter's a picky eater. And she's not like, this is ridiculous.
She's not scared of food, but she's like

Speaker 1 if she wants mac and cheese it's got to be annie's white mac and cheese she ain't around craft so it's i'll eat it but it's i want this particular one and it's a comfort thing so we i went to we talked to a doctor about it and stuff and her brother was the same way okay he's a very picky eater but he but then he he would eat like salmon and stink but it would just these things that he liked he's like an ocd yeah sounds like so we were like what could we do and they were like this is the best part they're like nothing They're going to grow out of it.

Speaker 1 They said, most times what happens, and this is the beauty of life still, is like your kids are going to get to high school. They're going to be hanging out with all their friends.

Speaker 1 And their friends are going to look at them and be like, that's what the fuck you eat. And you start clowning them.
Like, you don't eat hot dogs? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And they're going to be like, oh, my.

Speaker 1 And then they're either going to fucking start eating hot dogs or going to be this fucking guy. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay. So this guy just never had high school.

Speaker 1 This guy never had friends or a dad.

Speaker 1 This guy's raised probably by three women and a grandma. I'm saying over there.

Speaker 1 no one bullied this motherfucker. No brothers to fuck him up.
Not even a sister to be like, listen, you pussy. I feel like you'd have been a great sister for this guy.

Speaker 1 You know, like, listen, you little fucking pussy. Eat the fucking gorilla steak tonight.
Okay. You'll like it.
Unreal.

Speaker 3 I know. It's so good to bully just a little.
You need it. Like, there's this great.

Speaker 1 Listen, also, it's not bullying.

Speaker 3 It's not bully. Bullying is a relentless.

Speaker 1 Tough love has been turned into bullying. You need a little swift kick in the ass.

Speaker 1 We all need it. There's not one of us that can look back on that and go, I didn't need that.
Of course. You know.

Speaker 3 Have you ever seen that video where it's a bunch of Cholos and they're just giggling, laughing in their car as they drive past a bunch of nerds in their furry outfits? It's like the most simple.

Speaker 3 It was just like old school shit. Like,

Speaker 3 they're not saying anything. They're just like.
Cholos laughing at a fucking nerd.

Speaker 1 At furries. At furries, dude.
And it was like, oh, God. You know the furry.
It feels so good.

Speaker 1 Whatever, man.

Speaker 1 Fuck you guys. Fucking coyote running around.

Speaker 3 But it's like, yeah, you should be a little ashamed. Like, you should try to conceal your weirdness.
A little, right? Don't go walking in certain neighborhoods.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, you know. If you have this, it's also, it's okay.
Yeah. Keep it off the fucking end.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Like, you have a mental illness on top of it. You know what I mean? You have a mental illness on top of it.
Like, guy, I'm scared of potato potato chips, so I'm gonna sit down and eat these guys.

Speaker 1 Say, oh, God, what the fuck are you doing? Just eat them scared in your house.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know. It's like the people who are having a nervous breakdown, and then they stop and get a phone to cry in front of the phone and then post the video.

Speaker 1 That's insane. Like, what? The crying.

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Guys, and it's the guys.

Speaker 3 I can't believe it's happening right now. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're here taking my child right now. My child's being taken.
I'm doing these food videos. And they're taking my children.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the most won't put the phone down to help the fucking kids. I'm going live.
I'm going live. I can get some good engagement off of these tears.

Speaker 3 Yeah, literally. Can you even, like last time I cried, that's the last thing in my heart.

Speaker 1 Like, I should reach for my

Speaker 1 phone. I mean, in the last six months, it's been every other day, probably.
I ain't fucking streaming it. You know what I'm saying? I'm having a little power cry and I'm done.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We keep that. Why aren't you using it for likes? You know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I use it for hates. I can feel like.

Speaker 1 So, hey, first of all, congrats on the special. We haven't even said that.
Thank you, guys. Congratulations.
Thank you very much. I can't wait.
It's on your YouTube channel right now.

Speaker 1 Streaming right now. Go watch it now, live and alive, on my YouTube.
Shot in L.A.

Speaker 1 Nope. Self-produced again

Speaker 1 Comedy on State in Madison. Oh, and Madison, which you know, one of the greatest clubs in the country.
Comedy on State. Yes.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I did two shows there and it was awesome.

Speaker 1 I was worried because I had never been there. I didn't get there until November, the year before.

Speaker 1 And then I started talking to Jesse and all the guys working there and they're like, you know, we're doing this. And I was like, I want to do it.
I want to do it here then.

Speaker 1 And I was worried I wouldn't sell tickets. And the fans fucking came through, man.
It was Tom Papa next door that night.

Speaker 1 They had Stavros, Trevor Wallace, and Sam Murrill coming in at the theater all in that same week. Wow.
And Comedy on State, Madison, Wisconsin still still showed up and showed out. Sold out two shows.

Speaker 1 We shot it. Very different from my last special.
And it's all about, you know, everything that happened and then the aftermath. And I thank you in there, by the way.

Speaker 1 I talked about our conversation in the hospital. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I also

Speaker 1 told our meeting Brad Pitt story, my version of what happened.

Speaker 1 And I also want to thank you, all jokes aside, for real, because listen, I'm going to get emotional. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No, it's it's okay i can't believe i'm crying let me get my phone out somebody can somebody stream

Speaker 1 that camera's rolling guys can you got roll everything rolling

Speaker 1 uh i'm crying at a hamburger costume no

Speaker 1 when i got out of the hospital i'm on a walker i can't do a lap around my pool i can't do anything i'm high on fucking drugs the whole time in there and i'm amazon and like a motherfucker yeah i'm just i'm paypaling people i didn't know and they didn't send it back

Speaker 1 i'm just sending money. I'm like, uh-huh.

Speaker 1 And I get home, and there's so much shit in my apartment. And I'm in the single dad place at the time.
I don't have AC. I got to go outside to do laundry and quarters.
I'm a very clean person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've always been a clean person. I like my place clean.
I like it orderly. And I couldn't get up to help myself.
And you sent me.

Speaker 1 cleaning ladies who came over and cleaned my place and were so sweet. And I, and thank you.
I can't tell you how much.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm just laying on a couch feeling like a fucking loser watching these people clean. I can't go out.
I can't, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, I would have loved to have been like, I'll let you ladies clean and I'll go out and do something. I'm just laying there like, ah,

Speaker 1 they're just cleaning around me and shit. I'm like, oh, God, this is terrible.
So, thank you.

Speaker 3 I'm sad that I couldn't be there in person, but I'm glad we could help from Texas. So, I'm, and I'm so happy that you're back and that you're with us today.
And you've got a new special.

Speaker 3 You've resurrected yourself. The Phoenix has risen from the ashes.
Brow lift and everything.

Speaker 1 I'm feeling

Speaker 1 everything.

Speaker 1 Hamburgler, right? You went through it, man. You really went through it.

Speaker 1 We both did, Christina.

Speaker 1 I did tell you at Invisalign.

Speaker 1 Hold on, man. I'm sorry.
Yeah. Man, that's

Speaker 1 the three of us. That's got to hurt your teeth.
The three of us did see it. Yeah, we did.
The three of us. Yeah.
You know, we went through it. You had your spinal issue.

Speaker 1 You had cancer, but my teeth were fucking. That shit sucked.

Speaker 3 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah well listen all right you guys have the best fans they've they always treat me well i want to say thank you to the mommies out there because i know you're going to go watch i know you're going to support like you always do but i want to thank them too because i see sometimes you guys put polls up and you're like who's your favorite guest and everything and I fucking go look because I'm competitive.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. These motherfuckers throw Ryan Sickler up

Speaker 1 way more than I thought. Yeah.
And I'm like, I damn. All right.
All right. So thank you.
Thank you all. Check out the special.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 You guys watch the the special live and alive on my YouTube streaming now.

Speaker 1 Honeydew, way back, ryan sickler.com. Ryan Sickler on all your social media.
Rob will ravel.

Speaker 3 Rob will ravel. We do have the best fans, though.
We're so hashtag blessed.

Speaker 3 There's nobody better than a mommy. Nope.
They're always fucking cool. We went to when we were in Florida.

Speaker 3 Shout out to Harrison. Yeah.
Our guy that hooked us up in our hotel. Like the coolest.
Yes. Like we ended up hanging out with him at the end of the trip because there's a mommy.

Speaker 3 That's how you know right away. You're like, oh, you're fucking cool.
Because you like guys that lick pudding cups, and you like to laugh at people that have severe mental illness.

Speaker 1 And he's like, this is, you know, the lobby. You can get your coffees over here.
He goes, Bert's pretty fat, huh?

Speaker 1 Hell yeah. You slipped it in like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love it too because

Speaker 1 I'll go to a club and somebody will come up to me or I'll have my daughter out with me at the mall. Somebody come up like, love Joan YMH, man.
That guy tongue fucking those pudding cups.

Speaker 1 I'm like, thanks, guys.

Speaker 3 Appreciate that, mommy.

Speaker 1 Last time, my daughter came with me to promote the last special, and you guys had her screening calls for Dr. Drew.
I'm like, yeah,

Speaker 1 she's like, Dad, this same guy kept calling using different voices trying to trick us. I was like, Jesus Christ,

Speaker 1 the Drew calls? That's what we're screening.

Speaker 1 She's hip. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got some

Speaker 1 horrible hilarious to show you. Oh.
You tell me what you think.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 He's going to be in the hospital like I was for three motherfucking weeks. Oh, shit.
Oh, that back's done. His back.
You can't see. Is he in a clan outfit?

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a space. He's the grand wizard.

Speaker 1 It kind of looked like it. Fuck.

Speaker 3 Or is he a beekeeper?

Speaker 1 He broke two.

Speaker 1 Two vertebrae in his back.

Speaker 3 Once you start breaking back bits, too, it's not good. Here's the other thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, don't break your back. Shit.
No one loved that guy enough to say, okay, let's say you hit the ball perfectly.

Speaker 1 Where are you going after that?

Speaker 1 Like, what's the plan then? Are you going to try to just, you think you're just going to casually jump off and walk out of that? Are you going to flip? Like, there's no good end.

Speaker 3 There's no pad for him to land on. Can we see it again, please? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He didn't even touch the ball. He didn't.

Speaker 3 No, he fucking missed it, bro.

Speaker 1 Okay, you ready? This guy walking in the back.

Speaker 1 She walks away. She's like, I gotta get out of here.
I gotta get out of here.

Speaker 3 I'm the space invader.

Speaker 1 And this is where you lay that. I swallowed it.
It wasn't that bad. I swallowed it.
Right after that sounded

Speaker 1 six out of ten.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's kind of hilarious if if you do it like that.

Speaker 3 Here's the thing, though. He's wearing like a kid's costume.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was doing a bit. He was doing it as a bit.

Speaker 1 Because that man.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's here.

Speaker 3 You deserve it.

Speaker 1 Just go it. Holy shit.
He could have lost some weight anyway.

Speaker 3 Your outfit's terrible and you're fat.

Speaker 1 That's what he's telling the guy right here over top of him. You're a fat man.
Oh, man. You're fat.

Speaker 3 Carl Augerfeld comes to help. He's like, your fat, your outfit is terrible.
You deserve everything you get.

Speaker 1 it's kind of making sense to me now knowing you all these years this has sort of been your inner voice kind of huh of course

Speaker 3 really fucking all to go of course oh my god listen when i was recovering from my last my top surgery you know my last procedure not the brow lift no this is after my brow lift i had my tits redone you know from cancer and then i got deep into him and i was like what is it about a german self-loathing calls everybody fat workaholic ocd asexual

Speaker 3 homosexual He's just a freak show. And at the time, I totally connected.

Speaker 1 That's who you connect to. Self-loathing.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You really tickled me.
You healed me.

Speaker 3 Lagerfeld healed me. I can't explain it.
Why do you resonate?

Speaker 1 Why do you think I resonated with Lagerfeld at that time?

Speaker 3 Maybe because he was a freak and I felt like a freak, having just had surgery, you know?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, you're definitely not your normal self. I mean, if we're going to talk about it for real for a second, like parts of you that came into this world are no longer here.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm an amputee. You're a different.

Speaker 1 I never even looked at it.

Speaker 3 That's what you are.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're an amute. Are ladies who go through mastectomy?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's an amputee. You're literally not.
I mean, I never looked at it. I always thought an amputee would be just a leg or a limb.

Speaker 3 Yeah. No.
Well, my parents.

Speaker 3 Titties are. Yeah, it's a part of your body that's no longer with you.

Speaker 1 I never thought of that either. I never even knew that.
What if you get one?

Speaker 3 Are you jealous now? I mean, it's just

Speaker 1 like, ugh.

Speaker 3 You don't think it's hot?

Speaker 1 I mean, it's gone.

Speaker 3 This stuff's gone. Yeah, but then I had my stomach fat made into my tits, so I have tits again.
And I'm hot again. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I got a tummy tie. You look great.
You look great. And I have to tell you.
I told you those mommy makeovers are killer. There you go.
I told you.

Speaker 3 Can I tell you, I used to be not against plastic surgery, but I wouldn't understand it. Now I'm like, go get it fixed.
Go fucking, go get surgery. Fix it.
You don't like your fat stomach?

Speaker 3 Make it nice.

Speaker 1 I read of men that are now doing it.

Speaker 3 I know, but not good.

Speaker 1 A lot of them are not good. You got to pay for the the good.
Notable actors that are getting it.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a while before somebody finds the Demi Moore Chris Jenner, plastic surgeon, in the mail field. You know what I mean? It's going to be a minute before they do that.

Speaker 3 Well, whoever did Brad Pitt's face is good. You guys are friends with him.
Just text him.

Speaker 1 I love you and all. He looks great.

Speaker 1 But there's other actors. We don't have to name them.
No, we don't. They don't look great.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 No, and it's fucked because if you have so much money, you should just pay for it.

Speaker 1 No. I used to write promos for Dr.
90210. I was telling you this back in the day, and I hated it.
I would cover my eyes, and I'd be screaming with headphones on, just at my desk going, no, no.

Speaker 1 And they're like, watch Dr. 9020.
I'm like, yeah, I hated it. Yeah.
The nose jobs were the brute.

Speaker 1 I didn't know how violent they are when you're out.

Speaker 1 The lipo.

Speaker 1 That's aggressive. God, I had no idea.
But I can't wait to see. And I saw, and most of those guys were working.
They were trying to fix a botch job. So they're coming in and they're like,

Speaker 1 I'm going to do the best I can for you was a lot of what I was seeing. But the mommy makeovers, every one of them, were so fucking well done.

Speaker 1 Even back then, that I even told you and I was like, good for you. Cause that's the one surgery I saw again and again where I was like, this consistently looks good.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So good for you. Yeah.

Speaker 3 My stomach is flat for the first time. And I have got boobs again because I put that fat into my chest.
And then now I have to go back for a revision and then I can probably lipo my thighs, too.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, that's why

Speaker 1 that's why you fucking that's why you resonated with it. Because you're like, look, man, I'm not the same person, and all you can fuck yourself.
It's two middle fingers from here on out, you're fat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fuck you, you're fat. You're not fat anymore.

Speaker 3 You know, I like eastbound and down. What's his fucking name? That's why I feel like Kenny Powers is a little bit more.

Speaker 1 Kenny Powers, yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 I'm so broken.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 God, no. Oh, poor horse.
Fuck the guy.

Speaker 1 This is back-to-back paralyzation. That is fucking crazy.
That is a horse. You know what the aftermath says? What? They're stating that man is still alive.
No, but that's just alive.

Speaker 1 With sucking on a straw. Holy shit.
Holy shit. What is a horse weigh? What's an average horse weigh? A ton.
I don't know. Is it 2,000 pounds? No, no.
10 tons?

Speaker 1 10 tons? A ton is 2,000 pounds. What's the average weight of a grown horse? 6,000 6,000 pounds.

Speaker 1 1,000 pounds. Half a ton.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Because they're evil.

Speaker 1 But all it's like, that horse went all its way back. God.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. I used to do that to my brother when he'd jumped on my back.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. That horse did that before.
That horse did not kill him.

Speaker 3 Because that horse wants to kill people. Horses are killers.

Speaker 1 That horse looked like it was geared up. Like, let me get a good foot.

Speaker 3 And you know,

Speaker 3 the horse knew that the mud was slippery, too.

Speaker 1 The horse knew.

Speaker 3 The horse knew, and that's why I wanted to kill that man.

Speaker 1 That's what slippery right here.

Speaker 3 Well, the horse knew that.

Speaker 1 Let me see it one more time. Wait, does it get, does that where it ends? Does he get up? No, it just ends right.
Oh, we don't see how pushed down in the mud he is.

Speaker 1 Dude, that guy's got to have, he's got to be

Speaker 1 everything. Everything.

Speaker 1 He's still alive, everybody. He's alive.

Speaker 1 How's he doing? I said he's alive. He's alive.
Yeah. He's alive.
Blessed day. He's alive.
Still breathing. Above ground.
That's bullshit. Still above ground.

Speaker 1 Like, he's in. Yeah, but how is he?

Speaker 1 We had to pull him out of the ground. He's above it.

Speaker 3 Half a ton of horse. And it slams on.

Speaker 1 Dropped on him. Not just like, oh, a horse tipped over.
What force? You jumped. Like, it jumped.
So that's even like a WWE.

Speaker 1 That is 100% of wrestling.

Speaker 3 So all the bones are probably his ribs or something.

Speaker 1 And their powder. His lungs probably collapse.
Powder. Powder.
That's what they call them now. Powder.

Speaker 1 Like your wig, a powder wig.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Well, fuck them.

Speaker 1 That is fucking. Stupid horse.
Oh, all right. Let me help you out.
Oh, no. No.
Is it solder?

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. That thing's going.
Oh, Jesus. What's he doing? He's trying to hold a tree.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 3 Did the chainsaw cut her?

Speaker 1 That's what I was doing. Was the chainsaw? That's what it looked like.
No, because when it swung, it has a

Speaker 1 cut off.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, that's what I was worried about.

Speaker 1 That guy does not look like he'd have a chainsaw with an emergency cut off. You know what I mean? This guy looked like, I got a vest in the car.
I can cut this thing. Holy shit.

Speaker 1 No one got hurt in this one.

Speaker 3 Oh, please.

Speaker 1 it's what it says no no injuries no electricity i was waiting for that thing i know i was really waiting for like everyone to die i thought that's what we were gonna say that was like a fake out i saw one the other day i saw a torture video the other day on instagram bro this is what your husband says your husband sends me my

Speaker 1 Twitter feed my excuse me Instagram feed is literally people getting murdered.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't day to day.

Speaker 1 Somebody walking up like, this YN shooting out this cop. And I'm like, what the fuck? This old lady in the grocery store is shooting this guy with a fucking flare gun in the face.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Jesus Christ. That's every day.

Speaker 3 Babe, what do you think my life is with this psychopath?

Speaker 3 I'm drifting off to sleep the other night, and I wake up a little bit to this part of the Ed Gein news story on Netflix, where I'm sure it's the spoiler alert, all you fucking sickos that are watching this show, where he's wearing his mommy's lingerie and masturbating.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, this is what you're putting in your head before you go sleeping.

Speaker 1 Just as you drift along.

Speaker 1 He's in the brawn panties. He's like,

Speaker 1 joking himself. And he's laughing.

Speaker 3 Look at him lol.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's so fucking dark.

Speaker 1 I can't.

Speaker 3 Why do you like this? I just can't get it, man.

Speaker 3 And always before bed, Ryan. And then during the day, he's sending you things of people being murdered.
Oh. So it's 24-7.

Speaker 1 Final carnival rides, murders.

Speaker 3 It's not just nighttime.

Speaker 1 Now it's clicking for me. I'm worried.

Speaker 1 I've seen some of this already, but I haven't. These are all good things.
These are all good. Honestly, no offense, Tom would have never sent me this one right here.
No, nothing happened.

Speaker 1 Nothing happened. This is one he would never send me.
Let me tell you, so it could be worse. He could send you worse shit.
He does. No.
He does. And he's talking about stuff that gets him fired up.

Speaker 3 And it's not your buddy. So you have different categories.

Speaker 1 He's a whole different category. Do you remember the time I was featuring for you in Indianapolis? Do you remember this?

Speaker 3 I thought you were going to say India.

Speaker 1 I was like, you guys went to India. Big Crackers.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And we shared a condo together. And you're like, hey, check this out.
Do you remember this? What was it? And we sat down on a couch side by side and you put a laptop in front of me.

Speaker 1 And it starts with just a grass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just watching. Like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 And then this guy comes in.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And you know what?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and he sits on it. You think I didn't live with this guy?

Speaker 1 And then it breaks. Yes.

Speaker 1 And he's pulling pieces. Audio is on.
He's pulling shards out casually. Yeah.
And if you look, he's got scars everywhere.

Speaker 1 It's not his first rodeo. And I'm just screaming.
So much blood. Jesus, that's blood.
Like, if that was me, I'm calling 911, not this guy. You hear the glass hitting the floor.

Speaker 1 And the whole time, what I don't know is he's recording a reaction video. And I didn't know that.
That was big. That was, remember, two girls, one cup.
Yeah. And the reaction videos got to be

Speaker 1 too. This is funny.
And I'm just screaming like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I did that same video to my dad when I was visiting them.

Speaker 1 I had my dad watch it. He was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 1 It's like, I don't know. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Damn. What the hell's wrong with this guy? And then

Speaker 1 I did it to my sisters that they both flipped out. I don't think I did it to Charo.
You did it to Charlie. Did I do it to Charlie? You did it to Charo.

Speaker 1 You did it in Florida.

Speaker 3 I remember we were in Florida.

Speaker 1 That's not a good one for Charlotte. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Ryan, he shows me that when we were living in our shitty one-bedroom apartment, we were newlyweds. And I was like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm like, Did I just marry the fucking craziest person? I'm tied to you for life.

Speaker 1 And then you go in, and the juxtaposition is John Goodman's over the shitter. So great.
This is why you guys are meant to be together right there. That's right.
That's why you're meant to be together.

Speaker 1 How about this one? I got one more for you.

Speaker 3 Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, I know. It's good.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. She's got a chair.
Oh, my God. It fell on.

Speaker 3 Just so fat, official.

Speaker 1 She's hurt. The girl under it got hurt.
She's concussed. Yeah, like her neck.
Let's see that again. That's probably.
She hit hard as fuck.

Speaker 1 The one underneath broke her leg. She broke her leg.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's like 360 just dropping on you, bro. That's like the horse again.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was going to say.

Speaker 1 So she gets smacked into it.

Speaker 1 Where's the break? Oh, I saw that thing.

Speaker 3 That was the angle.

Speaker 1 What was the prize for this game This lady got fucked up so bad. She also, like, clearly, you didn't get the chair.
Like, she straight up just fucking knocked somebody out of the chair.

Speaker 1 I think if it was just these two ladies left, she ain't getting on that chair. You know what I'm saying? Like, why are you fighting for it? You weren't fitting on it.

Speaker 1 If you go back and watch again, watch, she hits the blue lady first, and that lady's like, oh, see, go back to the beginning of it again. Right here.
I think she tries to get on this chair.

Speaker 1 Watch the lady in the blue. Looks like she gets squeezed.
Uh-oh. See? Looks like she leaned in there.
Oh!

Speaker 3 God, that leg.

Speaker 1 You hear the scream there. That scream is her leg breaking, bro.

Speaker 3 How pissed are you? How fucking mad are you that this fat bitch fucking... Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 If there's any time to channel that fucking inner voice, my God. Could you imagine if she just switched that voice like, you fat piece of shit.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 3 fat piece of shit.

Speaker 1 You fat piece of shit.

Speaker 3 Bro, I don't think I could be friends with somebody that broke my leg like that. I would have to be like, we're done.
We're done, homie. Well, like, you fucked up my, you broke my leg, bro.

Speaker 1 Like, for a fucking musical chairs?

Speaker 1 You couldn't be friends with somebody that was in regular shape that took any game like that that aggressively that broke your fucking leg, let alone 400 pounds coming down on that.

Speaker 3 My little kids take this game this seriously. Like, three adult women.

Speaker 1 Does she get up after that? I don't know. No way.
This just, yeah. This looks like a church hallway and shit, too.
Like, what?

Speaker 3 These These people are nervous.

Speaker 1 You know, these chicks should know not to play with her, too. Oh, yeah.
You don't play games like that with someone that big. Like, no, no, no.
You're the champ. That's what you tell her.

Speaker 1 This is a champ right here. We don't ever even play with it.

Speaker 3 You know what the other problem is with these fingerless gloves? Is that your palms sweat, but the tips stay dry. I'm not sure if he likes that.

Speaker 1 Maybe he liked that. That might be the loot.
Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 the fucking Miyagi.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because it's creating moisture in places I don't, I'm not used to it.

Speaker 1 Palmron, and I'm just thinking to myself, damn, I have a high sex drive like a bunny rabbit.

Speaker 1 Only problem is, I got no one to fuck.

Speaker 3 That's the only problem. That's it.
That's the only problem.

Speaker 1 Everything else is cool.

Speaker 1 Everything else is great, man. Yeah, everything is cool, except for that.
I'm Ryan, and I want to be recognized by some of the hottest women here on Instagram. Oh, cool.
So

Speaker 1 spread the word.

Speaker 3 You got it.

Speaker 1 I would turn the volume down on the TV if you're doing the videos.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but Ryan's doing his thing, man. He's doing all right.
I mean, it's, listen,

Speaker 1 last time I was here, he loved black chicks, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And these are two back-to-back videos where he doesn't mention it. So has he moved on? I don't know.

Speaker 1 If you get, you know, burned enough, maybe sometimes you go, I have a new reference.

Speaker 3 I don't know, though. Hey, hot take.

Speaker 3 Men generally like what they like. They don't deviate, do they? I thought

Speaker 3 your boner is just programmed for what it likes. True.
Can you switch what your boner wants?

Speaker 1 I don't think you could switch what your boner wants, but I don't think everyone's boner is the same forever. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Your boner can evolve. Well, it needs to.
As if you're a teenager. Well, I mean.
Oh, right. I see.
Your boner better evolve.

Speaker 3 But I'm saying, like, can you go from liking black women your whole life? And then one day you wake up and you're like, you know what? It's Asians. I'm actually into Asians.

Speaker 1 I mean, I guess you could.

Speaker 3 But is that what happens? It's not like that.

Speaker 1 What if he starts getting some attention from a group? Then he goes, oh, maybe I am into it. Just because he's getting the attention, you know.

Speaker 3 Oh, so it's just whatever's available.

Speaker 1 I never understood any man that was like, I'm not really into black girls or Asians or whatever. I'm like, look at yourself.
Yeah. Why are you eliminating the pool for yourself? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, I just need a blonde lady that's, you know, five, six.

Speaker 3 Size zero to two, oldly.

Speaker 1 Why are we doing that? I don't know. I think for me, it's, I don't know, personality is a huge thing, obviously.

Speaker 1 That's the best part. And then, you know, I don't know.
I've been with

Speaker 1 different ladies that

Speaker 1 have reasons, different types.

Speaker 3 You don't have like one aesthetic type, I'm just saying. Personality aside, like one aesthetic type.

Speaker 1 A look, no.

Speaker 3 That your boner just goes, yep.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 That's my look. No.

Speaker 1 Like, like, oh, Dominicans are my thing. Yeah.
No.

Speaker 3 No. What about you, boner killer?

Speaker 1 No, I mean, boners, you know, they're, they're just like different treats in the night, you know?

Speaker 3 Different treats in the night.

Speaker 1 You just pick up a treat and you're like, oh, I got a boner. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll get your dick hard, Carl. What about you, Carl? What about you, Carl?

Speaker 3 I like dandies.

Speaker 3 He had a little dandy boyfriend, this cute little French kid.

Speaker 1 You think you'd be into that?

Speaker 3 No, you know, no, Toufe. Yeah.
I like whatever Tom is. Like, I like kind of

Speaker 3 meets you. You can cut this out if you want to.

Speaker 1 You say that, though, but prior to Tom, I believe you dated an Asian guy. Did you not? For five years.
Oh, see, I didn't know it was that long. So, so

Speaker 1 did you date Tom's type prior to the Asian guy? Like, what was your high school type? Yes, were you goth guys then?

Speaker 3 Yes, goth guys.

Speaker 1 Was that it, though? You know, like, I got to have a goth boyfriend, or would you have gone with a jock, even though you were goth?

Speaker 3 I would never go with a jock.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 Cafe, bitch, nigga. Yeah.

Speaker 3 My aesthetic type: here's what I like: blue eyes. I always liked blue eyes.
That was always what I was a sucker for. Dark hair.
I don't like fucking blondes. Well, that's different.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Aesthetically. And then, but the personality, I'm like you where personality trumps all.
So I don't, I didn't, it's not the package.

Speaker 3 It's not the case. It's the whole thing for me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm way over being like, oh, that, that lady's hot. That lady's a fucking asshole.
You know what I mean? Like, I don't even give a shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I think as a a woman, too, you're, you're, you're blessed to be selective, right? Especially if you're a somewhat attractive woman. You've got your, you pick.

Speaker 3 And I knew the boys that were really, really like traditionally good looking were players. Like the guys that had the game and everything, I just didn't trust them.

Speaker 1 Personality does trump everything, though.

Speaker 3 For sure. Always.
Because every beauty fades.

Speaker 1 I probably shouldn't say this. Sure.
Being the hamburger, but I do prefer cheeseburgers, if I'm being honest. I probably shouldn't say it ruin my whole brand, but robble, Robble.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? That's my type.

Speaker 1 So I have just arrived at Cafe Bitch Nigga in Bokama, Florida. It is at Rio Nice food, and I'm very excited for what's to come.

Speaker 1 So when you first walk in, you know, it's actually very clean. Like, it doesn't give,

Speaker 1 you know, Cafe Bitch nigga. Is it the bitch nigga menu?

Speaker 3 It doesn't give.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi, how are you?

Speaker 1 Can I ask you, how do you pronounce the name of the cafe?

Speaker 3 The Cafe de Kien.

Speaker 1 Are these like the little pens?

Speaker 3 Yes, I can give you that for free. These are named Café de Kien.

Speaker 1 There you go. Have you seen the college kids? The Cafe de Kien.
With the last name? Oh, yeah, Noah? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have you seen that? No. Yeah.
Bicny. That guy's gonna, he's gonna have

Speaker 1 merchandise. Oh, tell me.
He has merch already. He does.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Well, what is it? It's um, it's a his last name is K-N-I-G-G-A. There he is.
There he is. He's a white guy.
He's a white guy.

Speaker 1 Apparently he balls out, too. He's a good linebacker.

Speaker 1 He's these things. Yeah.
There he is.

Speaker 3 You'd think you'd change the last.

Speaker 1 You'd think you would. I'm sure you don't pronounce it like that.

Speaker 1 You're supposed to say the K.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's how they're going to be. This is one of the versions where the K is not silent.
You know what I mean? This is not night. But he's definitely K-N-I-G-H-T.

Speaker 3 I'm going to take a rough, like a guess and just say he's in the South, which is why no one

Speaker 3 wouldn't happen in California.

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 1 Where is he from? What's a

Speaker 3 college? Eastern Michigan.

Speaker 1 There was

Speaker 1 kind of a popular meme when he was getting recruited that

Speaker 1 people would say, like, you know, we need to beef up our defense. And then they would tag him and they go, I think I know a nigga.
And then they they would post that on there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is that right? Yeah, I know. Because like, it's kind of perfect.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's at Eastern Michigan.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's a Spartan. He's a Spartan.
That's pretty wild, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Broad.

Speaker 1 I don't know, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's from Lawrenceburg, Indiana.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Everybody knows him in college ball, man. Everybody knows him.

Speaker 3 That's amazing.

Speaker 3 It's pronounced. I don't even want to say it.

Speaker 1 Nay. Nay.
Nay is the principle.

Speaker 3 Kanega. I don't see the A.

Speaker 1 Athlete and his family have clarified, despite the pellet, is not pronounced like that. It is hard K Kanega.
Nam.

Speaker 3 Nah. This is a lie.
What in what fucking language?

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, it's that so that you can get through life. That's why they changed it.
Kanega.

Speaker 1 His dad is going through this his whole life.

Speaker 1 Could you imagine meeting Tom, and that's his last day? You're like, Wouldn't date.

Speaker 3 Wouldn't date.

Speaker 1 Gotta fucking marry this guy. I wouldn't.
I believe he's gonna be a good guy. He's got blue eyes and dark hair, though.
I know. I know.

Speaker 1 Kane?

Speaker 1 Fucked. Just call him Noenya.
Noah Nya. Yeah.
I know Nya. Noenya.
A bit Nya.

Speaker 3 What can I say?

Speaker 5 I understand Hitler.

Speaker 3 Ooh.

Speaker 5 But

Speaker 5 I think he did some wrong things. Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 5 But I can see him sitting in his bunker in the end.

Speaker 5 He's like, there will come a point at the end of this. Oh, I really wanted to be a Jew,

Speaker 5 and then I found out that I was really a Nazi.

Speaker 1 Nice. It's Lars von Trier.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't realize. What the hell is that? I don't know.
Is that a film? Yeah, he's at the... Melancholia, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's an old movie.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's an old one. Wow.

Speaker 1 What can I say? I bet I understand Hitler.

Speaker 3 She's like,

Speaker 3 she's like, please stop.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's like, I'm in this movie. I'm sitting right next to you.
This is Mike Myers with Kanye when he's like George Bush. I promised there's a point at the end.
She's like, okay. Nobody needs it.

Speaker 1 What's that point? You don't have to share your thoughts.

Speaker 3 What's the point? But this movie came out.

Speaker 1 The point is, I found out I'm a Nazi.

Speaker 3 Oh, it's Kirsten Dunst. Yeah.
You're sitting next to him.

Speaker 1 Poor girl. She's like, could you shut this up? It looked like her.

Speaker 3 And she's German, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, his latest. announcement, I'm a Nazi and I understand Hitler.
He also jokingly claimed he was writing a four-hour-long hardcore porn film.

Speaker 1 It would be said, contained a lot of very, very unpleasant sex. The Nazi remarks were jestingly made in response to a question about his German roots.

Speaker 1 It would probably spell career suicide if uttered outside the rarefied atmosphere of the Cannes Film Festival, and indeed may yet. Okay.
Just don't forget to.

Speaker 1 Also, go fuck yourself with the rarefied atmosphere. So the Canned Film Festivals where we can say whatever the fuck we want.
Now, all of a sudden, not comedy clubs or internet or anywhere else.

Speaker 1 Now, we got to go there to fucking be racist and fucking.

Speaker 3 You know what the French are, though? They're all so open about everything. The French.

Speaker 3 They let all the sex offenders go live there.

Speaker 1 I don't know how long you're in Austin for. I'm leaving tonight.
Well, you know, you still have time to go by the Dollar Tree if you want to check that out. There's

Speaker 1 a good one here. There's a good one here.
Yeah, it's right there. There was shit on the ground.

Speaker 3 Where's the shit?

Speaker 1 It's on the walkway there.

Speaker 1 Right in your foot locker there.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Did she say I pushed the button and it made me shit? I have diabetes.
I'm calling the police.

Speaker 1 That's a hell of a run right there.

Speaker 1 Bitch, go inside and get some dollar toilet paper and wipe your fucking ass.

Speaker 1 I work for the government right there by Subway.

Speaker 1 She said I work for them.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unreal. These people.
Push the button. It made me shit.

Speaker 1 Push the button. It made me.
I don't. What's the logic that?

Speaker 3 Which button makes her shit?

Speaker 1 What's the shit button?

Speaker 3 The door button?

Speaker 1 I don't understand. Which button makes her shit?

Speaker 1 Smelling like freaking caca.

Speaker 1 Have you ever really gotten close to one in public?

Speaker 1 Dangerously close to one public. To a shit? Yeah.
Yeah. You have? Sure.

Speaker 3 Wait, shitting myself?

Speaker 1 I mean, like, where you got to do, like, the lady like that. Close.
Wait, what do you mean? Like, where you took a shit and someone's like, you're almost about to shit. Or you shit in public.

Speaker 1 Have you ever had a public? Oh,

Speaker 1 I mean, I've sharded.

Speaker 3 I've sharded yeah oh yes yeah on a plane i sharted on a plane on plane to africa because i had tacos at the atlantic airport

Speaker 1 15 hours 80 hours

Speaker 3 it was right after the dinner service and we were gonna take a nap and uh i just yeah i just sharded and then i was like fuck dude and i went in the bathroom but thankfully i had an extra pair of underwear and my carry-on because i i was a seasoned traveler and you never just check it all in so i had an extra underwear and I was okay on the way to Africa.

Speaker 3 But don't eat tacos on an international flight. If I could suggest one thing to you,

Speaker 1 I went to the international terminal pre, about to board a 15-hour flight from Atlanta to Johannesburg. And she's like, do you want to get tacos? I was like, this is tacos.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty good right now. She was like, those tacos.

Speaker 1 An hour later, she's like, I shit myself.

Speaker 3 I shit myself on the plane.

Speaker 3 But that's why you should always take an extra pair of chonas and sweatpants on the plane.

Speaker 1 You'd actually, that's a really good thing. That's true.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Jeff Tate. I travel with wet wipes all the time.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's huge.

Speaker 1 The first wet wipe

Speaker 1 I really encountered in life was actually you. You were the one who taught me back in like in Sherman Oaks.
I was like, you're like, oh yeah, you think you're clean.

Speaker 1 This is how you fucking know you're clean. And then I was just like, okay.

Speaker 1 But then every time I was on the road with Tate, if I was like, I got to the venue, I was like, I think I got a shit. He'd reach in his bag.
He'd go, here you go. And I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 He's like, don't you want wipes? And I was like, oh, yeah. And then it finally took a few times before I started traveling with him.
This little travel challenge.

Speaker 1 And I dated a girl from Argentina years and years ago. I remember this.
And she was the one that told me that. And she said the same thing to me.
She goes, you think your ass is clean?

Speaker 1 Go in there and take one of these baby wipes. And I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 1 All these years? Why are we using dry fucking paste?

Speaker 1 People say it all the time. If you had shit on your arm, you wouldn't take a dry napkin and just do that.
No. It'd be like, I'm good for it.
I'm good now. No.

Speaker 3 My ass itches a little bit.

Speaker 1 A little bit. I'm good.
So, yeah, I'm baby wiped all the way, man. Hell yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, we are a total washlet household exclusively. I like the spray in my ass.

Speaker 1 I get that too, but I spray and I baby wipe. What?

Speaker 1 Oh, they scent to it.

Speaker 3 That's crazy.

Speaker 3 Because here's the deal, man.

Speaker 1 You know, someone's face can be that. I used to work a job one time, a writing job, and we didn't have any.
We had one toilet and it was a small thing, and everyone knew who was going on.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I can't sit here all day with shit in my ass. And we didn't have baby wipes.
So I swear to God, I would use, I think your dad used them, the Lysol wipes. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I would take those with bleach on them and get back there and clean my ass. Bleach.

Speaker 1 You're not supposed to feel it too. You're definitely not supposed to.

Speaker 1 It tingles. Yeah.
It's a tingle.

Speaker 3 You're not supposed to.

Speaker 1 It's a different tingle than a shit tingle. I'll tell you that.
It's definitely a different tingle. It makes you feel alive.

Speaker 1 It's like smelling salts. You're like, woo!

Speaker 1 It's like a little firecracker to the ass.

Speaker 3 But don't the wipes clog your plumbing?

Speaker 1 I I have a trash can. They're 100% clog.
Even the ones they say aren't.

Speaker 1 Hold on. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Listen to what he just fucking said.

Speaker 1 No, you don't forget who you're talking to.

Speaker 3 Bro, you take the shitty wipes. The shit wipe can.

Speaker 1 It gets wrapped in a bunch of good wipes.

Speaker 1 We're wasting wipes. Yeah.
So that when it goes in the can, it's not shit ripping your fucking foot. What kind of animal are you?

Speaker 3 Is this like Mexico? You know, when you go to Mexico and they're like, don't flush the toilet paper down the fucking

Speaker 1 sewer.

Speaker 3 And then you got your shitty toilet paper next to you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you have it in a can. It's in a trash can with a lid that closes.
I don't know, right? What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 I'm not into this.

Speaker 1 Listen, you're trying to reason with an unreasonable plumage. You're flushing them.

Speaker 3 I would never flush it in my own plumbing. Hold on.
But when I travel...

Speaker 1 Not on my own plumbing. Oh, yeah.
I'm throwing everything in a toilet. I travel.
I'm flushing match packs. You know what I was like? I don't care.
I'm just going, man, they got torque on this one.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. My toilet could never do this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about at your home only.

Speaker 3 Not at my home.

Speaker 1 So what do you do with them then?

Speaker 3 I don't use the vet vibe in my own home. Oh, you're saying the water is the washlet, and then I take a dry.
I see.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, and then, but when we travel and do it the dry, just throw it in the hamper, name.

Speaker 3 You put it in the toilet, the dry, shitty, the dry, and you flush that down.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're just taking dry toilet paper, not a dry. But after your ass has been sprayed down for a long time, you do a full cycle.
You're not taking a dry washcloth or anything like that.

Speaker 1 Brow with

Speaker 1 you wouldn't

Speaker 1 sweat that brows like you're sweating.

Speaker 1 Listen, I color coordinated this one.

Speaker 1 I travel with it.

Speaker 3 You've traveled with your washcloth?

Speaker 1 No, this one I did. You know what was a game changer for me, though?

Speaker 1 So I would like get on the pores for washcloth use. And then it became such a

Speaker 1 conversation that everyone was like, well, you know, try it, try it. Dude, on the road, every hotel that I am in now, I get into the shower with a washcloth.
I use it for the body. It's so gross.

Speaker 1 Right? Because you can de-exfoliating and it feels good and you feel clean.

Speaker 1 But the main thing is you take a white washcloth, you shove it up inside of your asshole, you scrub, and then you pull it out and you see brown and you watch the brown come off the washcloth and then you do it again until there's no color.

Speaker 1 And then you throw it on the ground and somebody picks it up for you. Yeah.
You lay it right there. It's really great.
And now you feel like you have a really good look.

Speaker 1 Here's the other thing about washcloths. This one, this is a nice one.
Yeah. I don't like these.

Speaker 1 I like the cheaper

Speaker 1 that are rougher, a little rougher. It's a better, you get a better grip, you get a better wash out of the chest.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm talking about the ones that you can get on Amazon, like 30 of them for $2.

Speaker 1 Not these fucking stuff. This comes in like a set.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You pours were onto something because I really learned.
You know what else I got into now?

Speaker 1 I get the mitts, the exfoliating.

Speaker 1 Those are nice.

Speaker 1 Those are nice.

Speaker 1 Man, I get out like a touch of myself. Oh, shit.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Nice. Hey, but may I suggest something to you, Tom? Yes.
This is not a criticism, but I'm just saying that you can get your one cloth, you put it in your ass, the brown is there.

Speaker 3 Then you can dispose of that dirty one and just grab a new fresh one because you're at the hotel. You don't need to rinse it out the brown and then go up again.
No, no, no.

Speaker 3 You can use as many as you want.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. The fun is to watch the color slowly fade.

Speaker 1 You just watch it. You're like, oh, there's still, and when you get in there, you fuck it.

Speaker 1 A little bit of brown, and then it fades off, and then you throw it on the ground.

Speaker 1 Now, some people need a reminder if you do your ass first and then your eyes next no

Speaker 1 problem

Speaker 1 you want to say that who's going ass to eyes on their body

Speaker 1 we just we just enlightened somebody listen somebody's like oh somebody out there went oh i go ass to eye i'm putting i'm putting flakes in my eyes yeah guys got pink eye all the time you know i'm friends my one of my i'm friends with a gay guy and he just had sex with a a man and a woman together.

Speaker 3 And I go,

Speaker 3 yeah, like he buttfucks the guy. He has badge sex with the girl.
And I was like, bro, I hope you did the girl first. And then the guy.
And he's like, of course, I'm not an animal, you idiot.

Speaker 1 I was like, hoss or something. That's respectful.

Speaker 1 That's a nice story. Thanks for sharing that.

Speaker 1 That was kind of neat. That was neat.
That's cool. Thank you, Christine.
That's cool.

Speaker 3 Now, Ryan. My palms are sweaty.

Speaker 1 You like a good deal, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm going to the Dollar Tree later.

Speaker 1 You're going to go to Baking High to get a meal. But you can also, for your car needs,

Speaker 1 I'm doing $40 Earl changes. You hear me? Y'all don't forget, $40 Earl changes.
And yep, it come with a filter. $40 Earl change.
Earl change. And yes, it come with the filter.

Speaker 1 Stop going to them A-Rabs. Stop going pay $80

Speaker 1 for an Earl change.

Speaker 3 You hear me? There's no way he can charge that level.

Speaker 3 There's no way.

Speaker 3 No, there's no way. $40.
There's no way.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 Pause this for one second. There's a lot going on.
There's a lot going on. There's Earl.
There's what do you call the Arabs? Arabs? A-rabs. Yes.
Well, A-rabs. A, A-rabs? Yes, A-rabs.
But he wants...

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. Let's hear.
Stop going to them A-rabs. A-rabs.

Speaker 1 I've never heard an E-rab before. I might use that.
He, okay, in his, let's start in his defense. We'll go positive first.

Speaker 1 I just had to take my car to like a Jiffy Lube because the coolant was low. Sure, did you get an Earl change too? I did, but I asked how much an Earl change was.

Speaker 1 They just said you only need coolant, and I was like, Great, just give me the antifreeze and my radiator, and we'll fucking.

Speaker 1 But what's an old Earl change these days? And they said it's like $160. And I was like, What the fuck? Are you talking about a Jiffy Lube?

Speaker 3 Back in the 90s, it was $40.

Speaker 1 So he's cutting them at a quarter cost, okay, which is great. Now, not possible.
I have learned through life, you get what you pay for. That's the thing.
Now, play this video real quick.

Speaker 1 This guy's going to work on our call. Car, excuse me.
Play this video again. Don't listen to anything he says.
Listen to the pinging and knocks in his car. Listen to his car.

Speaker 1 This is a great observation. Listen to his car.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm doing $40 Earl changes. You hear me? Y'all don't forget.
$40 Earl changes. And yep, it comes with a filter.
$40 Earl changes. And yes, it come with the filter.
Stop going to them A-Rabs.

Speaker 1 Stop going to pay $80

Speaker 1 for Earl change.

Speaker 1 You hear me?

Speaker 1 Stop going to pay $65 for full synthetic. Come to the black man.
You hear me? Yeah. I got the Earl change.
That's a $40

Speaker 1 Earl change.

Speaker 1 It comes with

Speaker 1 it. It comes with animals.
Pop in. And full synthetic.
I got $520.

Speaker 1 I got 530.

Speaker 1 Come on, man. These people don't know how to drive, bro.

Speaker 1 You're making fucking promo videos.

Speaker 1 He's holding it, too. It's not mouth.

Speaker 1 Get your Earl chain. What is that? Your shop?

Speaker 1 Don't pull up and walk in my backyard. You're going to get bit.
Bit. By him.
How do you get to Earl?

Speaker 1 How does Earl come from oil?

Speaker 1 E-A-R-L. Earl.

Speaker 1 You want to get your Earl chain? I don't buy

Speaker 3 $40 is what it costs to dispose of the oil.

Speaker 1 Oh, you don't think he's going through the protocol you're supposed to go through?

Speaker 3 I'm venturing against Earl.

Speaker 1 He just said, don't come in my backyard or you get bit. Yeah.
My money is he's dumping out Earl right in that backyard.

Speaker 1 You're right in that backyard. Right in the ground.
Right there. Yeah, Earl chain.
Yeah, that's no good. Cut my costs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No good.

Speaker 1 Who also, how many followers does he have? Who is he pitching this to right now?

Speaker 1 Who is, what is the audience for this? That's fucking amazing.

Speaker 3 I mean, it's 40. It's a little.

Speaker 1 That's a little bit. Can you pull up his?

Speaker 1 I see that it's in here. What's his IG look like?

Speaker 3 The can of oil is 40.

Speaker 1 Is it always promising? It's a filter too. It comes with a filter.

Speaker 3 The filter is $29.99.

Speaker 1 He's got a connect or something. He's got a stolen.

Speaker 1 $114,000. Holy shit.
Well, there's a lot of Earl changes. Did he do one? Does that red car?

Speaker 1 Look at the headlamp on his head on this one.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Wow.
Oh, he's selling them, too. Selling cars.

Speaker 1 The phone number.

Speaker 3 This guy puts the phone number right there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he has a service. What's the lamp on his head down here?

Speaker 3 He's a mechanic.

Speaker 3 He's a mechanic.

Speaker 1 I'm all the way under this car

Speaker 1 checking the suspension.

Speaker 1 Transmission, transmission. Like that suspension on your car.
Lower control arms, upper control, arms. I'm draining the Earl right now.

Speaker 1 There's the Earl. It's crazy to be able to do it.

Speaker 1 You need some suspension work.

Speaker 1 I'll let your boy.

Speaker 3 I'm going to put it in there. The suspension.

Speaker 3 That's what was fucked on this car.

Speaker 1 There you go. This is also a guy probably is like, I don't work on anything after 95.

Speaker 1 You're just too new.

Speaker 1 You're too new, man.

Speaker 1 That's got 23 computers on it, man. I can't fuck with that shit.
I do Earl Change. I do Earl only.
I rotate your tie. Oh, my God.
That's amazing. $114,000.
Crazy. Crazy.

Speaker 1 All right. Are you on tour?

Speaker 1 I will be. You will be.
Yes. I'm not supposed to say it yet because they want to announce it.
Okay. There will be dates for 2026 for sure.

Speaker 1 I already have cities locked up for sure. We'll announce it.
RyanSickler.com is my website for all dates. Ryan Sickler.

Speaker 1 The main thing, though, is check out the new special live and alive. It is on your YouTube channel.
You're one of my dearest friends, one of my favorite people,

Speaker 1 one of the funniest people I've ever met. And do yourself a favor, check it out.
Go to his YouTube channel, watch Live and Alive, and go see Ryan on tour.

Speaker 1 Thank you. And happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.

Speaker 1 Get your Earl chain.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I watched what they call my cool night.

Speaker 1 I watched her be called my cool night.

Speaker 1 I watched her

Speaker 1 call my cool night.

Speaker 1 He was handy.

Speaker 1 I'm a kid.

Speaker 1 I'm talking to him, I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 1 She's not your friend, I'm your friend.

Speaker 1 She's not your friend, I'm your friend.

Speaker 1 I won't do it,

Speaker 1 I won't do it.

Speaker 1 I won't do it for me,

Speaker 1 I won't do it for this connector, my cool mic.

Speaker 1 Wow.