Gambling With Our Lives | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Welcome to the final episode ever of Two Bears, One Cave.

It was a blast while it lasted, and we're here to sign off.

We thank Stavi and Chris DeStefano for taking over.

We know you enjoy them, and you will continue to enjoy them.

Bert, good to see you.

Good to see you.

Did you watch any other episodes?

I would watch, like,

I saw parts of it.

You don't watch any fucking podcasts.

That's true, but

I did watch parts of it.

I started the first one.

I watched about 25 minutes of it, and then I would pick up little parts of the other ones.

Yeah.

Did you watch them all?

I watched everyone.

I watched everyone.

Yeah, no.

Yeah, no, I watched the clips.

I just know they were trashing us telling you

the whole time.

They were great.

Stop he's so fucking funny, man.

They're both.

DeStefano is

I think Chris is fucking hysterical.

I think he's one of the funniest guys alive.

I totally agree.

They're both just out of this world, charismatic, funny.

I mean, they're so entertaining.

Like as whenever I do a podcast with them or even see them socially, it's always non-stop laughs.

They're fantastic.

Did you see Chris on hosting Kimmel?

I did.

I watched his monologue.

Yeah.

He was great.

Fantastic.

His monologue was so natural.

Yeah, he's, he's like, yeah, he's the man, dude.

So fucking funny.

What do you think the model is going to be for saving the late night genre?

I think it's done.

You think it's done?

I don't think.

Well, I mean, unless they completely like, here's the thing.

When we were kids, you know, there was 25 channels, and then the late night format was the place for this comedy, to see celebrities, to have these conversations.

Like, you know, it was access to all that world.

Now,

you know, people follow those same people on tick tock on instagram on on on podcasts and videos and they have access that is like more authentic and more detailed than a four-minute panel conversation like they're just that whole younger generation is not like oh i can't wait to see sydney sweeney on a late night show because they can like watch her engage in a more like authentic way, detailed way through all these other outlets.

So I just feel like they have to, they'd have to reframe the format.

But ultimately, everything is clips.

This is a really fascinating jumping off point.

They make those shows for clips.

They make them for clips.

That's what they make.

Yeah.

I mean, I listened to someone talk about making a TV show, and I heard the guy say,

Are we doing this in vertical?

Because people only watch the clips.

And then I was like,

did you just pitch shooting a TV show in vertical?

Like, that's crazy.

So that you can get the clip.

Because, I mean, honestly,

everything's just clips.

Kids only watch clips.

And so,

and what's funny is the late night format is clips.

That is what they're trying to do is make the most interesting thing, the most, the thing you talk about.

So they are trying to pre-make the clip for you to watch, but

it needs to be longer format to get the clip in a weird way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just, I feel like that type of the late night show,

to me, if it hasn't run its course, it's, it's running it.

I mean, I don't see 10 years from now us having that same format.

I just don't.

I think it has to,

it has to evolve into something else.

You have to rethink it.

Don't you feel?

Okay, here's the question.

The first question is,

how did you feel not having a podcast for a month, two months?

Fantastic.

It was one of the best.

It was the best.

I would love to never do this again.

It was the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life to not

so funny.

I've never been funnier in my entire life

than when you were there?

When I was there, casually funny, just talking to people and making people laugh.

And

I think because I'm talking so much,

I forgot what it's like to be a regular person in conversations with people

and be

spontaneously funny.

Yeah.

And my stand-up was so

everything

I thought went on stage, it didn't go into a podcast.

Right.

Yeah, that makes sense.

It's great.

You should do less podcasts.

Do you know how many podcasts?

Do you know how much content I put out?

No.

I mean, I have an idea.

Three podcasts.

Yeah.

I mean, we can think about this.

Three podcasts out of seven,

three a week out of seven days.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

It's time to quit.

Okay.

Great.

I love you.

I'll see you

on Saturday.

Yeah.

Are we saying bye?

Bert, Tom, Tom, and Bert.

How do we make this to make us happier?

Can I tell you?

It was so fun.

And then I did one podcast with Jeff Foxworthy.

Yeah.

And I was engaged and I was interested.

Yeah.

And I hadn't done one in two months.

And I was like, and I was, I was present.

It's, it's like, it was crazy.

It was, it's, it's,

yeah.

I mean, I, there is this, there is, look, there is such thing as doing too much, man.

Buddy, I lived the life where I wanted to prove to everyone I could do everything.

Yeah.

Like, I literally was like, and then, and I remember when you said, when you said we need to take time off from two bears to do our shows, I was like, I was so defiant.

I know.

Because I'm still subscribing to that model of it's got to be released every week.

It's got to be released every week.

It's got to be released every week, every week, same time, same time, same time.

No matter if it's good or not, it doesn't matter if it's good.

It's just, it's got to be released.

If it's good, I don't care if it's good.

Did it get released?

Like, that's the mentality I've I've been at.

And I, and,

and, I, you know, some, I don't know.

I don't know.

I, you know, I'm not, I am absolutely not Joe Rogan who can put out amazing podcasts seven days a week.

I mean, he can do,

I don't know how he does it.

I don't either.

He's also just, you know, wired differently.

He's so different.

Yeah.

I mean, would you, but,

well, go ahead, but what?

No, no.

Look, you thought that, but then you did take time off, and then you saw that the other thing that you were putting your energy into thrived and it did better.

It thrived as a business exhausting yourself.

Like, I mean, like, I mean, we're in the business.

We right now are in the business that everyone is dying to get into.

And we are in the top 5% of that business and that we're monetized.

We have sponsors.

We have companies.

Like, I mean, you look at like, what's her name?

Amy, Amy Poller, Amy Poehler.

Yeah.

Amy Poehler, is that her?

The blonde lady?

Amy Poehler.

I mean,

I don't mean this like shitty, but like it kind of broke my heart.

She is one of the most, if not one of the top 10 female comedic actors, not just of her generation, that we'll ever know.

She is, I mean, Parks and Rec is one of the funniest shows that's ever been on TV.

She's one of the funniest writers, directors.

She has a prolific talent.

She has a prolific talent.

I will never be as talented as Amy Poehler in any facility.

And yet here she is doing, like doing a podcast.

And it's good.

It's really good.

It's by the way, it's really good.

It's really good.

It's really good.

But why?

What?

What are you doing?

Make fucking movies.

And so what I'm saying is, Amy Poehler realizes.

that the business we're in right now, like making movies and television shows, that's dying.

This is the one thriving.

she just hasn't

she's the first one to get to the oil rig and going oh this is cool we're living on the ocean and yeah we've been living on the oil rig for 15 years going it gets old

yeah

well i mean it's new to her so maybe it's exciting and fun to her you know her podcast is great yeah she's really good that's because she's talented and anything she does is going to be amazing yeah I agree.

She's great.

She's really good, man.

Do you think she's fun?

And maybe she's having fun.

Do you think she feels about film and television

the way we feel about podcasting and we feel about film and television the way she feels about podcasting it's perfectly i mean possible you know like um

i mean she's obviously like killed it in that space so yeah maybe she's just like i don't know i don't know maybe she's bored maybe i don't know so maybe she's just like really having a good time doing these podcasts hey amy poller will you breathe some life into our podcast and be our guest

I can answer for her.

No.

So

we took our time.

You did your show, Free Bert.

Did you have a lot of fun doing it?

Yes, I had a blast.

Yeah.

I had so much fun.

It was the funnest two months of my life that I've had in a very, very long time.

Yeah, same dude.

I had the best absolute, like, I mean, I really felt like I was a make-a-wish kid.

Yeah.

And they were like, do you want to be in a movie?

I was like, yeah.

And then I showed up every day just like giddy.

Well, it's not just, it's not just that.

That was like, they said, do you want to be in a movie?

And you get to be in control.

Yeah, that's true.

That's the fun part.

Yeah, like everything from the script to casting choices to like, yeah, there was a lot of creativity.

And your cast was incredible.

Dude, I

honestly, I know it sounds like you probably hear people do this when they complete shows and movies.

I cannot believe who we got and I cannot believe what they brought.

Like they were all

just

outrageous.

I mean, you know, we had Luke Wilson who

I remember that we were like on our

third day and

he has this monologue that he delivers to me and Tim Baltz, who's unbelievable.

Tim baltz is one of the funniest people i've ever been around you see the guy from righteous gemstones yes he's so good he's he's so good but he's luke's giving us this speech and it was like the third take and he did something different in the take and in this monologue and i realized that i'm not acting in the scene i'm just like

we're just watching him you know and like like genuinely reacting to him and when they'll cut the director tyler cornack comes over to me and he goes that's a movie star And I was like, Yeah.

I go, Yeah, I see what you like.

When you see like what some people do in certain moments, you're like, Oh, yeah, that's a movie star.

Like, that's why, that's why we've known who this guy is for 30 years.

Yeah, like he's just

Tim was unbelievable.

Um, Arturo Castro, who uh, he did, he did some bad thoughts stuff with me, and we got him to, to be like, a part, it's like the heart of this movie.

Just incredible.

The guy can do anything, and he would come in every scene and have like

15 alts just like off the top of his head for things.

And we were like, Yeah, just sure, try them all.

Like, he was just incredible.

Genesis Rodriguez, just like a dynamic actress, just can do like, you know, just, I would just like follow her lead.

And like, I was just like watching her.

I'm like, oh, this is what we're doing.

Okay.

I try to like, just throw myself into, she could just do, you know, throw a look and like convey, like, just emotes so much.

She was unbelievable.

Frankie Quignones is in it, dude.

He fucking steals every scene that he's in.

And he was the first one when I read the script.

I, I, you know, the man, my managers were, would, were on set and they were like, they go, we remember that when you read this, you said, Frankie Quignones has to play this part.

And we didn't know if we were going to get him.

And it was like the third day of him working where he was like, oh, I get it now.

He goes, I get why you said that I like he just, he's going to, if this movie has any exposure he will explode in popularity he steals everything that he's in it's it's just

it's incredible like yeah um

i was i was just

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I got John.

Yeah, I saw John.

I saw John in it.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

I love that you got John in it.

He started a podcast.

He started a podcast too.

Yeah, he's in a podcast.

yeah there's my mom and sister visiting

my mom was like trying to steal props she was like can i have this i'm like no why i'm like because it doesn't belong to you that's great unbelievable um

and there's tyler cornack he um he was so good man um just really unbelievable

So good at it.

Oh, there's Raul Trujillo, who's been in everything.

He He was in Apocalypto.

I didn't even realize that he was in Apocalypto.

Who's he in Apocalypto?

The guy who dressed him up.

He was like, he was like

the leaders of the tribe.

He told me he was eight hours in makeup a day.

And that movie was supposed to take three months and it took 11.

Took 11 months to do that movie.

Which is, it's one of the all-time great films.

There's Sergio.

Hit his profile.

This guy.

You see

the identifier there at the bottom left?

yeah hit his hit his

this guy dude this was the guy sergio paris mencheta from spain

this dude is like

like uh you know when when you're sitting around you're like oh that's an actor yeah like we're we're all

around this guy's an actor man he was just

truly remarkable it was like a lesson every day just watching that dude work and he's

leukemia.

You didn't, what?

He beat, he had leukemia.

He hasn't worked in 23 months until this.

Wow.

Yeah.

So what was your, because I know everything's thoughtful, thought out in your process.

Why were you posting so many pictures as soon as you wrapped as opposed to with bad thoughts, you posted everything when it premiered?

I think I followed people's lead because everybody, I thought we would kind of, I was like, oh, I'll just hold this stuff.

And then the whole cast and crew started posting everything.

And I was like, well, I'll just jump in.

Yeah.

Are you worried that it, it, it, did you withhold some stuff?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I withheld stuff that would like give give away too much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Image-wise.

Yeah.

What's it's uh

because I

last night they were like, are you going to do a photo dump of

because we rapped last night and I was like, or I rapped last night rather.

Everyone else rapped and everyone did a photo dump the second they rapped of like all the stuff.

And there's only one picture I want to post.

Yeah.

Is it the one you sent me?

Yeah.

Of course.

Of course.

Are you posting it?

No.

You look away.

You know, I think, I think, I'm not going to post it.

I think.

Why?

Because I'm going to wait, I guess, until the from the it comes out.

I don't know.

I never thought.

Do you know when it comes out?

Yeah.

I think in January.

Oh, that's pretty fast.

Yeah.

We got the first two episodes edited already.

Great, man.

Yeah.

So, but I haven't given notes.

I haven't looked.

I haven't seen cuts yet.

So we've got like a string out a rough cut.

But I don't know.

I feel like I was a little torn because I didn't know anything about bad thoughts.

And I really enjoyed that I knew nothing about it.

And I saw it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I didn't know like.

And I think people think they know what mine's about, but they, they, I don't think, I don't think, I know they don't.

And so part of me is like, ah, maybe you know I don't know I maybe I

think it's because I've been offline you know for two months and I just haven't been really posting and like even like funny shit that was like would have been in the feed immediately I just never got around to doing so I was like oh I don't really care

you know it was nice being detached and not thinking about promoting anything I mean I have a tour the permission to world party permission to party world tour starts September sell your fucking billboard three times a day every day in in Albuquerque.

Every day I'd be like, there's BERT every single day, dude.

Massive billboards.

But I haven't promoted it at all.

Like, I'm like, like, I just promoted it.

And someone was like, well, you had a huge ticket sale bump.

And I was like, did I?

And they're like, yeah, have you not been promoting this?

And I was like, not really.

Cause I've just been focused on this thing.

I don't know.

It's.

You know, I'm starting to look at like old school movie stars and wonder if they didn't have it right.

You know, like when Johnny Depp felt gross promoting things, I was like, I was like, I don't mind promoting my stand-up because that's my thing.

It's my only thing.

But like with this project, part of me is like, I don't know.

Yeah, you got to go promote.

It's part of the game.

But I'll promote when it comes out on Netflix.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I'm done probably saying anything else about this until, I mean, mine might not come out for, it could be a fucking year, man.

I don't know when it'll come out.

When did you start the process of this script?

A year and a half ago.

I started Free Bert

three years ago.

Really?

Is that not fucking crazy?

Yeah.

I gave up on it at one point.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

You know, I said last night I was with a bunch of people and they're like, man, Tom's posting a lot about El Tigray.

And they're like, did you see his shirtless photo?

And I was like, yeah.

And they're like, where you were sitting with.

next to the guy from baby

righteous youngsters

and you guys are both almost naked in your underwear and i was like yeah and they're like how skinny is tom

dude i

you know what happened like how it happened so yeah you put a shot of a zenpic in your ass and then no way it dropped off not none zero what happened zero zen pic um no glp ones nothing i

so I do this blood test.

This is the real thing.

I do a blood test to do like all these levels.

And I'm not trying to like, I know it sounds scary,

but they have this test now that basically, they call it like stage zero cancer, right?

Which is kind of an alarming thing that you can test positive or negative for.

And I test positive for it.

And what it means is that I have the cells in my system

that would could one day evolve into cancer, right?

So I test positive for this.

And then they have a protocol if you test positive.

And the protocol is basically a bunch of vitamins and supplements.

And one of the things they, they say that is part of like their protocol is a five-day fast where you just have

that's why I did the fast.

So so this is recent.

This is very recent.

Yeah.

So I got those tests.

And then, well, when they tell me to do the five-day fast, the first thing I do is I look at my calendar.

And I start going like, you know, like, you go, like, I'm not going to do that right now.

So you start looking at like future months.

And I'm like, well, when I'm on the road, I don't feel like that's a good time to do it.

And then I know that I'm shooting a special.

And then I'm like, you know, I start looking.

So, and I'm not going to do it during the movie.

So I basically find the week before I go to Albuquerque, I'm like, that's like, that's the optimum time to do this five-day fast.

So I do the five-day fast where I just have water, electrolytes, and some black coffee and nothing else for five days.

At the end of the five days, you know, I get back, you know, I have some broth and I do the whole thing and I've lost 11 pounds.

So I went from 211 to 200.

But I know, like, just from logic and talking to people that like, you're going to put back on some weight, right?

So I'm like, cause the, the weight wasn't the point of it.

It was like kind of, you know, a consequence of doing it.

So then I, I'm 200.

I'm like, okay, I'll gain a few pounds back.

I fly to Albuquerque.

I'm doing all the wardrobe shit.

It's a prep week.

And then

I have a million questions and I'm going to forget them.

Okay.

Okay.

So hang on.

Remember where you are in the story.

Okay.

Are you scared when you test positive for cancer cells?

No.

Okay.

Because you know you don't have cancer now.

Not only that, I 100% expected to test positive for it.

I mean, my dad died of cancer.

His sister died of cancer.

One of his brothers died of cancer.

On my mother's side, everyone's had cancer.

Like, I was was like, I have the genetics because

I'm expecting it.

Okay, good.

And not good, but okay.

Now, second, the water fast.

Yeah.

How I saw you talking about it online, but like for real,

how hard is it?

What, what's the hardest day?

And, and you're talking, you're, and you're, I'm imagining black coffee.

Are you like shaking at night?

No, so it's, it's really interesting.

I think it's really interesting as an experiment to do it.

And I would tell people, you know, five is a lot, like it is a lot.

And I think if you, if you want to attempt 24 and then 48, even 72, like one to three days is an experience too.

I think when you're mentally prepared to not eat, it's different than

when you go, like, you're expecting to eat today, and then there's like, there's no food.

And you're like, what are you talking?

Like, you know, your mind is going into it, like, I'm not going to eat.

Right.

And then your anticipation of how much you'll suffer is always higher than what you actually suffer.

Like it's not as terrible as you imagine it would be.

The other big thing I learned, which I think I've carried from the fast, is that hunger is a feeling as the same as happiness, sadness, excitement, anxiety, meaning they all, they pass.

So like you feel hungry and then you're not hungry.

So that would happen throughout the fast is you're like, oh, I'm really hungry.

I would put some salt on my tongue.

I would have some water.

And then, you know, 10 minutes later, you're like, yeah, I'm not hungry anymore.

And you just go, you just keep going, right?

And you'd have these waves of hunger.

You'd also have like waves of clarity, focus.

Like Christina was like, you're so present and calm.

And you're like, yeah, like, you know, you're just, you're kind of like dialed in.

I was less reactive, you know, like just more like, okay, let's talk about this, figure this out.

Okay, we need to do a two bears fast, meaning we should do like a global fast, plan it out one day with all our fans for 24 hours.

24 hours

so doable.

I know, but not for me.

Like I literally, I literally was like, you'd be surprised at how you're going to not, you won't want to give up after 24.

I promise you.

You'll be surprised, Tom, how often I eat, and I don't even know I ate.

This is not surprising.

I just said, I just said, I, right now, I was like, I am fasting.

I didn't eat dinner last night.

I'm going to see if I can go to the same, I'm going to see if I can do 24 hours.

And then I smelled my finger and I went, I ate 10 egg bites this morning.

10?

Yeah.

They come in 10?

They come in two.

And they offer the variety is five.

So I got one of each and then I just murdered them.

So you realize that you didn't actually fast.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Tom.

Unlike you in your performance in L T Gray, where you look the best you've ever looked, I am officially the fattest I've ever been in Free Bird.

How fat.

How fat.

Fat enough where I said to,

I'm not going to throw anyone under the bus, but I'll say to everyone that was making the show, including everyone, that like, yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to do this fast before I, I was going to do my, my prolonged fast and try to lose some weight before the shoot.

And they're like, have you gained weight?

And I was like, what?

And they're like, I don't know.

We can't really tell.

And I was like, wait,

I'm like a lot fatter than when I shot the special.

And they're like, you look the same.

I was like, so at my skinniest, I look fat.

And at my fattest, I look skinny.

So I was like, so you can't tell.

And they're like, I got to be honest with you.

I think it's, I mean, I think it's a little funnier if the way you look.

And I was like, okay.

So I just left it.

I worked out every day, but I don't work out for, I don't work out for to look better.

I look out for emotional reasons.

I work out for, I work out to feel better.

Now, let's go back to your fast.

Let's go back to this fast.

Put a pin in this.

We got to find a date we can do a global fast.

Okay.

Okay.

A global fast for everyone.

So your 10 egg bites were like 1,200 to 1,500 calories just to eat them.

Nice.

So I still got about a thousand to go.

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hopefully

I don't get above 205.

That's what I was hoping for, that I could keep like, you know, half of what I lost off.

Yeah.

Well, we start shooting, dude.

And I don't have to tell you, but just for reference, you know, I'm on set at six, right?

5.45.

And I'm in almost every scene in the movie.

So I just the same way I don't like to do stand-up on a full stomach.

I don't want to perform, like, act,

you know, bloated or belching or whatever.

So cool, cool.

I'm going to hit pause real quick.

Okay.

So my protocol,

as I drove to set,

craft services was to make six eggs scrambled with bacon and sausage and have eight sausage patties waiting for me.

Eight?

Eight sausage patties.

And you're like, I don't understand.

I've gained so much weight.

My watch was hurting.

My watch was hurting.

It was hurting your wrist?

And I was like, God, it's really biting into my wrist.

I was like, did I lose a link while I slept?

And Leanne's like, that's an oyster flex.

It's a rubber band.

So it's not,

I think you just really bloated babe and then i realized those awesome those sausage patties were processed meat and filled with sodium so i cut those out halfway through keep going tom okay

so what would happen is they're like you know i'm getting ready to like first scene or whatever you want to eat something i'd be like get me like a couple egg whites and some fruit so i would have like three bites of each and then i would shoot until lunch well at lunch You know, I'd be looking at

shooting at the exact same scenario.

I'd say, can I get jalapeno cheddar pork rinds?

And they'd go, because I'm trying to be healthy.

Keep going.

So

at lunch, I would have, you know, maybe

four to six ounces of chicken and some, yeah, some veggies.

And then like maybe

a little bit of rice.

And then I would not, then I would be in everything until we wrapped.

And then I would get home and have like, just like a reasonable dinner.

Wow.

So

at the end of like the first week, I'm like, oh, I wonder what, you know, not even, I'm like, I hope I'm under 205.

You know, I was like 197.

So I'm like, oh, that's crazy.

A couple weeks later,

you know, I'm like 192.

And they add, they have to add a hole in my belt because my belts, my pants are falling off.

The next week, they add a second hole in the belt.

And the wardrobe department's like, hey, we don't have.

time to get new clothes.

It's like, you're going to look weird if you keep fucking losing weight.

So I wrapped at 187

and i weigh i still weigh 187 right now i weighed 187 this morning

because i just was in a deficit like every day yeah really so when you'd rap you'd have a little sensible meal do you know what i would do yeah what would you do so we'd start at noon and we'd shoot till midnight so lunch was around six and around eight o'clock i'd start getting hungry and i would send my assistant kyle down to uh we had a bunch of different places i sent him to get uh 40 pizzas pizzas one time I sent him to get 40 pizzas 300 cheeseburgers at McDonald's I sent him to get

White Castle and I would just bring in fast food I ate eight white castles in the middle of a take one time

during a take we operate different Tom I think I just want a different and then and then the second

we would rap they would call Bertini which meant uh it's not just martini it means it's burnt's last shot of the day so i don't care what Martini is for these guys, Bertini is the one that matters.

That's when they're so narcissistic.

Keep going.

They do that for a lot of people.

Do they?

Yeah, yeah.

I've never heard it, but go ahead.

You've only been on one movie, Tom.

I've been on seven, and I've never heard one for Mark Wahlberg.

So go ahead.

You probably just didn't understand it.

So and then Kyle would run to my sprinter van and make a double perosos and soda.

And when they called cut for me, it would be put right in my hand.

And then I would drink at midnight.

Here's how I was healthy, though.

I would only drink for like two hours.

So I would have 22 hours between drinking.

So I barely drank at all.

Wow.

That's good.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

Yeah.

I did.

I mean, I smoked weed, DMT, and I did some ecstasy.

That sounds cool.

That was fun.

The funniest, I have a clip.

I wish I could send you the clip.

I'll post it on.

It'll be posted already, I think, because

I edited it this week.

But every night before bed, because

I do want to work out in the mornings, and we only have 12 hours between shoots.

I would murder like

three or four liquid deaths right before bed.

Like right before bed.

Just kill them in the big cans.

And then throughout the night, I'd drink another three.

Like if I woke up to pee, I'd take one and I'd murder it right before I went back to bed.

What?

And dude, I'm telling you, I felt so fucking good every morning.

Every morning, it was like my body was flushed and I pissed everything out throughout the night.

I mean, I woke up like four times, but I felt so good.

You drank a gallon of water before bed.

So, yeah, you probably woke up a few times.

And so, but here's the best part of it.

Okay.

And I mean typical BERT fashion.

I don't mean to talk about myself in the third person, but I think it's fitting for this story.

Sometimes I only see myself in the world, you know?

And I would kill the liquid death and then I would fling it in the air in the middle of the night at like four in the morning, fling it in the air, and I'd hear it hit the wall and the floor.

And I'd be like, all right.

And then I'd kill the liquid death and I'd fling it in the air.

So throughout every night of filming,

I would throw at least four liquid deaths in the air.

in my room and they'd hit the ground.

Do you pick them up in the morning?

No, never did.

I loved the fact that they were all over the floor.

They were all over.

I mean, the housekeeping came in a couple times and would clean them out, but it was like wild how many there were.

And so on the second tonight, second to last night of rap, we're all talking about our rooms and if we liked our rooms.

And my director, Andy Mogul, was like, my room's great, except the guy above me keeps moving furniture in the middle of the night.

I said, what room are you in?

He said, 218.

And I said, that's so funny.

I'm in 318.

I go, does it sound like

cans hitting the ground?

And he goes, that's exactly what it sounds like.

I was like, it's me.

It's me.

Yeah.

He's like,

without a sense of humor, he's like, are you fucking kidding me?

You've been waking me up all fucking for two months in the middle of the night, throwing cans around your room.

He goes, what are you throwing cans around your room?

And I go, just to let me know that I'm done with it.

Like, I just throw it in the air.

It made me laugh so hard and you could see him going i struggled for two months with some cocksucker living above me and it was you the whole i could have and then and then the last like it was the last three days i couldn't throw the cans so i had to keep him in bed with me and dude i was rolling on top of cans all the is wrong with you jesus christ i've come to accept myself oh i see that yeah i don't think you had a problem with that i don't think yeah i don't think there's like oh i just accepted myself i fucking love me

Yeah, I know.

Um, so wait, 185, you're 185 right now.

I was, I, I said to everyone, and I know, I know you probably don't want me to say this to people, but uh, that you're getting a bunch of skin removed.

And I was like, what's cool is that he's got so much hair, you'll never see the scars.

And they were like, and everyone was like, oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right, you won't see the scars.

I was like, that's what's great about his hair, his skin removal.

That's cool.

Thanks.

Did you shave your back for this movie?

Because I think you did.

You shaved your shoulders.

The wardrobe, the wardrobe, the makeup department did, yeah.

Yeah,

shaved your shoulders and back.

Yeah.

Do you think you'll keep it like that?

I mean,

I'm not like actively checking my back a lot.

Does it itch when you put a shirt on?

No.

Really?

No, you always have someone trimming your back every time I shoot.

I shave my back every day.

Every other day.

Every other day?

Ever since I got on testosterone, my back's been fucking crazy.

Really?

Yeah, my back started growing hair like really bad, but I still benched 295, five times, whatever.

Whatever, dude.

Dude,

I am still as fat as I am.

I'm still fucking.

How much do you weigh?

I don't know.

I'm like, I don't know.

You know.

I think.

You know.

I think.

I can tell you.

I can tell you how much I weigh.

I'm curious.

I want to know.

be honest, anyone listening, if you have this barometer too.

I can tell you if I'm above 255 or below 255

on whether or not I can touch my asshole.

That's the fucking barometer for this barometer.

So, what can you touch your asshole right now?

Barely.

So, you might be 255.

I might be 260.

Okay.

I have to exhale pretty hard to get to wipe my ass.

That's cool.

That's cool.

Hi, Tom.

Sometimes I don't shit because I know I can't wipe my ass.

Like if it's a thin, if it's a thin toilet and I can't really spread my legs out, like, like I need to really spread my legs out and then go.

And then get in there.

I'm doing Wim Hoff Hoff breathing exercises to wipe my ass.

To wipe your asshole.

That's cool.

Yeah, it's been really fun.

And

are you going to try to push it now and see if you can get to 290 or something?

I don't know.

Someone saw a picture of me fat and they were like, hey, man, can you do my movie?

And it was a big movie star.

And I was like, yeah.

He was like, don't lose weight.

I was like, huh?

He's like, don't lose weight.

And I was like, okay.

It's easy.

Yeah, now they want it.

They're like, I want this guy.

Yeah, I don't really care.

I don't know.

You know, I feel like I feel.

how's your acid reflux going you know what not great

yeah i've heard it about 30 times since we started i know a not great you know that you're like

that's uh i said reflux yeah i know i know

it might be the 10 egg bites

most people have two

people have two who bullshit most people have two who has two most people have two most women have two okay There's no man.

Most guys have four.

There's no man

that's in a truck right now listening to this with Starbucks next to him.

Guys, take the picture and tag both of us.

Who gets four?

Just two.

They're having four.

100% four.

100%.

Four.

Yeah, four is not 10.

And if you're a man, you go, you know, I'm going to grab some people at the office.

And then eat them?

I guess I didn't get them today.

Sorry, I forgot that you were alive.

It was my daughter's fault.

Isla was like, was like, hey, you promised me coffee.

I was like, we have have a great coffee maker.

Oh, was she on set?

She was on set.

She was on set.

So

the girls got pretty litigious about their names.

They didn't want their names in it.

And I was like, oh, really?

I was like, oh, okay.

And we did it for the machine.

And it bothered me.

It always bothered me that we didn't use their real names, you know?

But then they didn't want it in this.

They didn't want it in this.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to get in front of that.

And I was like, guys, I think the cat's out of the bag.

Like, people know you're my daughters.

And they're like, yeah, I know, but no names.

And I was like, no, that's not going to happen.

I was like, I named you.

I picked the name.

It's really kind of my name.

So we're using your names.

And then Isla was, Isla and Georgia were like, and then they saw the pilot and they liked it.

And Isla saw, you know, her representation.

And she was like, okay, this shit's, it's really funny.

And I was like, yeah, we're not making you guys look like assholes.

And then they were like, okay.

And then Isla came to the set one day and she was like a movie star because everyone's doing a TV show about my family and they know this Isla character and Isla shows up and everyone's like, fucking Isla.

And I, you know, Isla's really into art.

And so the art department kind of took her, like, took her over.

And then Isla kind of really loved it.

The thing she loved the most was my trailer because she just slept for fucking 10 hours in the trailer.

Oh, really?

She came like set like three times and just every time her and her friend would go and her friend really is into film.

So her friend was like sitting at every station kind of shadowing everybody and Isla would shadow a couple people in the art department and then go to my trailer and take a nap with a fucking mountain dew

yeah well that sounds like fun my boys came to set one day because they they were only there for the very beginning and they showed up on uh like a big cocaine day and they were like is that cocaine i was like well it's fake cocaine and they're like does it feel good i'm like it's not it's not real and they're and then they left and then christina was like oh it was really nice of you to invite us today do you know what your boys have been talking about the rest of the day guns and cocaine that's all they talk about and i was like oh cool she's like yeah they start school next week it should be really nice for them so yeah but they had they they had a good time they had a good time um

hey have you watched have you watched not to change subjects but i'm sure everyone's like no more talk about burpee and fat um

have you watched america's team I'm in the middle of it, and it's so fucking good.

I was thinking about it today because I was running, watching it today on the treadmill, and I was like, man,

I, I, it's hard not to fucking love Michael Irvin.

That guy is just, you know, I mean, I've been a fan since I was a kid, but like, it's, you know, his skill set is one thing.

Like, he's obviously like such a gifted player.

Like, just, you know, I met him like

a dozen years ago on a flight.

And he'd been retired already for a while.

I could not believe this guy's stature and physique as like a retired guy.

I was like, this guy looks like he can play in the league today.

But he's so fucking charismatic.

And he has that personality when you watch that thing where you go,

I

you want him as a teammate.

You know what I mean?

Like, you're like, this is a guy you want lining up next to you.

He's just the greatest dude.

I fucking, I, I, I love Michael Urban.

I'll tell you what, if you want to get pumped up, Peacock has all, I think, eight seasons of a football life.

Oh, really?

Dude, you can't download it, but you can just watch it and stream it.

Holy, I am so fucking ready for football.

Right now, me and you, I mean, this, we're recording this, and then we're about to get on a plane and go to Tallahassee.

Yeah.

There is that better, Tom.

Just edit it out.

And so we're going to go to Tallahassee for the Tallahassee, Alabama game.

And I'm so pumped up.

And you know, we do, we do draft king reads all the time.

Yeah.

And we talk about gambling.

And I don't think I've ever come out publicly as a gambler, right?

But I enjoy gambling.

This year, I think I'm going to do something big.

I want to run it by you.

I want to hear your take, okay?

So I've been thinking this through a lot.

So I want to make a year-long bet, okay?

And I want to bet on one team to win to cover every fucking week.

I also want to bet on one team to go to the Super Bowl.

Now, I want to bet $1,000 every week on the same team to cover the spread.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it.

September 18th is when I can place this bet because I'll be in Rockford, Illinois for the permission of party world tour, and gambling is legal in Illinois.

So I will be in Illinois, stone sober, ready to make this bet.

So tell me the bet I'm making, Tom.

Okay, so you're going to bet on, excuse me, a NFL or college team to cover the spread every week.

You name it.

No,

I would like to bet.

I wish I could get to Illinois before this weekend because I'd like to bet on Florida State.

But gambling is not legal in Florida.

Oh, I would love to have been on Florida State.

Yeah.

I would love to be on Florida State.

I would love to have been on Florida State for the entire season.

That's a tough opener they got.

I know, I know, but I think they're going to surprise them.

I talked to Inside Gossip.

I talked to some guys that worked at

Alabama, and they said, you know, every year they get,

there's that one team that they're like, you know, I don't fucking know about them.

And they're like, you never know who it is, but they go into that game a little nervous, going like, we're really confident, but this could be the sleeper.

And they said that Tallahassee is that, that Florida's that.

Well, week one is always a thing.

I mean, in any league, but in college ball, you know, you get these preseason top tens and you're like, all right, this is the order.

And then you just don't know who's going to show up.

You have, they're college kids.

You don't know what your team is.

So week one can always be a real wake-up call for any team, really.

It can go any way.

I could do, I could also, Tom,

I wouldn't mind doing a college team and a pro team.

But I want to, here's the deal.

I want to pick one team

and run it with them and just go, that's my team.

I'm there every fucking week for you to cover.

Well,

the top five is like, it's the usual suspects, and this can go anyway, dude.

You got Texas, Penn State, Ohio State, Clemson, Georgia.

I mean,

any one of those five could,

they could run the table.

You just don't know.

I mean, you just don't know until you get into the season.

Taking one of them,

that's how to, I mean, if you're, if you're going from like before the season starts, it's one of those five, man.

One of those five is going to have, yeah, I mean, one of those five is going to run it the whole season.

They could.

I mean, obviously, you know, anything can happen in college football, but it's like Ohio State, Penn State, they were fucking incredible last year.

And you just don't know which, like, one of them might run the table in the Big Ten.

Texas, they're preseason number one.

We got Manning under center.

Like the offense is electric.

Have you seen, I've followed him and his dad the other day, Cooper, because that kid, that kid, do you see him when they were doing the drills with the drones?

Uh-uh.

They're putting out drones and he's just nailing drones with the football.

Just fucking understand.

Frap, fap.

I'm like, no, you see.

And he can run.

He can run, dude.

That's the other thing.

A lot of these guys are great pocket passers, but especially in college ball, when you have legs and you have a cannon, it's so fucking dangerous.

Yeah.

And then, I mean, I would never sleep on Clemson or Georgia.

Like, you just don't know what they did in the offseason, who's coming back, like

how good some of their players are.

They can always shock the shit out of you.

Not even shock you.

They just do what they do.

All right.

Here's my question, okay?

so the bucks are probably gonna win their division so i'm and you know i'm a bucks fan and it's easy to root for baker for me for that team i'm i'm rooting for everyone i was really bummed they cut shilo but i think i don't know what did you think about that

i mean

it's a bigger story because of his name you know

you get undrafted or you're even if you like even if you're like a mid or late round pick like being cut is not it's not unusual it's not the end of of the world.

So if you either don't perform or you have some, some, something, some issue that they flag,

getting cut is not, it's not that weird.

I mean, it doesn't mean that the guy's career is over.

I don't know exactly what, what's in the cards for him, but I don't, I don't think it's that

newsworthy to like, hey, someone got cut.

Like it, it just, it happens so often in the NFL.

It's not, it's not odd to me.

Okay, so

I think it was, it's either got to be Rams or Bucs for me because

they're teams I can get behind, the girls and the other Rams fans.

I'm a Bucs fan.

So tell me, okay, ready?

I'm going to say the name of the game, and you tell me just simply if the Bucs will win or lose, okay?

Okay.

Okay, so I won't be able to place this bet until September 18th.

Is that because you're going to a sports book that day?

That's because I'm going to Illinois.

It's the closest I get to gambling.

That's why Barstool moved to Illinois.

Okay.

We're still in preseason right now, right?

No, the games start Sunday, September.

The games start.

They start the 4th.

Yeah.

That's the following weekend.

Next weekend.

Sunday, September 7th is still preseason.

This weekend is still preseason?

This weekend is.

Next weekend is the regular season.

Okay, awesome.

Then I'm in.

All right, perfect.

So, Bucs Texans, Bucs are going to win, correct?

I mean,

I would think they could win that game, sure.

Bucks Jets?

Bucks.

Bucs Eagles.

There, you got yourself a little bit of an issue.

That's going to be a sleeper one.

Bucks Seahawks.

Go Bucks.

Bucks 49ers.

Christian McCaffrey.

Yeah, I mean.

It's tough.

I definitely would not sleep on the Niners.

Right.

Sure.

Bucs Lions.

Easy money.

I don't know.

Is that easy money, really?

Yeah, of course.

Lions.

Of course, I'm thinking of the 1981 Lions.

Yeah, these Lions are a little different, man.

Yeah.

These are all my Lions.

Tom, all my gambling reads are from when I was a child.

Yeah, I would update that.

I would think about how they are.

Bucks Saints.

They haven't won a game all season.

The Apes.

Yeah.

I mean, but that's also a division game, and those always can go anyway, man.

That's the thing about the NFL is like, there's a big difference in

in college and the NFL.

So if you had to pick one shittiest team in the NFL is still a fucking NFL team, man.

Like they are, they can, they can, any team can win in the NFL.

That's what's great about it.

And that's what's great about it is that you're going to take a team like the Bucks where people are going to, at times, say they're not going to win this game, but then you have a team that is magical when they want to be magical, right?

And they've got, right.

I mean, listen, I keep jumping things on Baker, but Mike Evans is fucking gold.

Yeah, he's hollow.

Bucky gold.

I mean,

you're talking about like there's so much that they can happen with that team where they're where they're underplayed that i keep thinking that's the team to bet a thousand dollars on every single game dude november 16th at buffalo that's gonna be a tough game for sure at buffalo oh at buffalo at the rams yeah are we going back to back

yeah those are tough games man oh no i guess i think i would show that night

those are tough games

Would you be into doing a bet?

I'll do a bet.

Yeah.

Okay.

What's your bet?

Are you going to bet on one team or are you going to pick a team every week?

The thing is, Tom,

is that like...

It's fun.

I like your idea because it's fun to get behind one team for the season.

Yeah, and financially get behind that team.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

We're not really doing that, though, are we?

The survivor pool?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is just me.

And once they lose, you're done no no this is just me and you a thousand dollars the bangles schedule okay oh you go bangles i'll go bucks a thousand dollars every game

okay

open at cleveland jacksonville easy vikings denver detroit that'll be tough like they have a lot they you know you also don't like you don't know the spray obviously they underperformed but um

i don't know joe burrows joe burrows hang on listen we're talking about the magical spark, right?

Yeah.

That kid's fucking magic.

Joey Burr.

You cannot.

And you know, if Joey Burroughs was listening to this right now, I think his name's Joe.

But if Joe Burrows listened to this right now

and we go, I don't know, should you bet on Joe Burrows?

Do you know right now he's in his fucking truck going, you always fucking bet on me.

You always bet on me.

Tom, Tom,

always bet on me.

When we sat next to Baker and gambled, do you think Baker's ever not bet on Baker?

Right.

There's a a bunch of quarterbacks.

There's a bunch of quarterbacks out there that are like,

I'm like a safe bet.

No.

They're the fucking Nail Mary passes.

I'll go in on the Bengals, dude.

September 18th.

You go in on the Bengals.

I'll go in on the Bucks.

$1,000 every game.

We'll see who wins.

And we're just taking the spread?

Just taking the spread.

Just taking the spread.

All right.

All right.

All right, bro.

I'm in.

All right.

I can go.

Can I do that in Florida?

I can go to a sports book in Florida.

Florida's got a co-share with the Seminole tribe.

They can only do sports betting through the casinos down there.

That's what I'm saying.

Can I go to a casino and place these bets?

Tom, we have a great partner in DraftKings.

Okay.

We have a great partner.

Why would we look anywhere else when we have one of the best partners in sports gambling ever?

So I just start doing those on DraftKings.

On DraftKings.

On DraftKings.

It depends.

If you can get to a city earlier that is, I mean, I just know that I'm in Chicago and I know it's, I'm like looking at my schedule.

I've been a little obsessed with this for a number of reasons, but it's because, you know,

when I played fantasy football, it was probably the funnest time I ever had watching football.

But then I got bored of fantasy football.

And then when I did the Pick'ems League, I was the funnest for the first year, and then I got bored of the Pick'ems League.

And then, and it was like putting in my picks every week.

I just get bored of that.

I want to put in my picks for the whole season.

And I don't, I don't need to remember them like crazy, but I will wake up knowing that $1,000 is on the line every Sunday and be like, hey, where are they playing the Bucs game?

That energy is what I look for in life.

Like, I don't want to live life where I just go, it's Sunday.

Do you guys want to get brunch?

I want to live life where I go, it's Sunday.

We're going to Buffalo Wild Wings.

They got nine fucking, we're going to watch all the games, but the Bucs is on the big one.

I want want to watch the Bucs today, and I want to be emotionally committed to this team.

I want to text the people in the fucking front office and be like, what the fuck are we doing?

Okay.

All right.

Does that mean you're also going to do picking the Bucs to go to the Super Bowl and win the Super Bowl?

Like, you're going to do that too?

I don't know if you can make that bet that late.

I know, and I can't get to a, unless I can, I'm going to be in Georgia.

I think you can do it that late.

It's still months before it happened.

Sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

If I can do it, I'll put money on them to go to the Super Bowl.

To win the Super Bowl.

To win it.

I think there's a chance they're going to win it.

By the way, once again, all these bets are based on $1981.

It's a great way to do it, man.

Yeah.

Who's the favorite to win?

Is it the Eagles again?

I think so.

The Chiefs, I think.

Okay, what will you do with your winnings?

You got to have something fun to do, right?

If you win.

If I win and I'll win like, say, like $16,000.

Mm-hmm.

You should be put into something fun, a fun thing.

I don't know.

That's a good question.

All right.

If I win $16,000, which is like the ultimate is what I could get out of this most.

And then I'm the happiest man.

And by the way, by the way, that's all one money, so it's not my money, really.

And if I lose the money, then that is my money, but that's fine because I enjoyed watching the game.

But if I win it, it's not really my money.

So I need to...

Do I give it away to a fan?

That's fucking rad.

That's really cool.

Yeah?

Yeah, that's very cool.

How do we pick which fan?

I don't know.

That's the whole game.

Okay.

If I win,

whatever I'll do with my winnings, it goes to a fan.

Very cool.

And then,

wait, I mean,

I always like the big paycheck going to one person, but if I went to $16,000, I could break it up.

I could give it to two fans.

But I like all the money going to one person.

All right.

You just got to figure out how you pick your person.

How do I pick my person?

And I need to really pick my person.

Oh, you know what we should do?

We should play a BERT game show.

We'll do a BERT game show.

So what we'll do.

is we'll get five fans.

Zolo.

And they have to know the most about BERT.

The most about BERT.

So that you have to be like a Bert mega fan.

And it's got to be like, we're going to really quiz you on stuff.

And we're going to deep dive you.

Like, we're going to go into your analytics.

Okay.

Find out how much you love me.

The person that loves me the most is getting all the winnings.

Tom, this is fucking genius.

This is fucking genius.

So what are you doing with your winnings?

Are you giving it to the person that hates me the most?

that'd be a real contest

that's gonna be very tough to find there's a lot of them

somebody just puts together a montage video of how much they

they're like i hate them so much and i'm like here's sixteen thousand dollars

yeah that's a great idea that's a great idea

And you'll have balance.

You want balance.

You want that.

I have exact balance.

You don't want to get too full of Burt Love.

So we'll balance it out.

The person that hates me the most gets $16,000.

The person that loves me the most gets $16,000.

What if it's Leanne and she gets both?

Yeah, there you go.

It's perfect.

That's who should get it.

Zolo, can you plan this out?

There you go.

Burt Game Show.

Holy shit.

Number three.

And his answer.

I don't give a a fuck.

I hate him.

That's his answer for every question.

You're getting closer.

Oh, shit.

All right.

I can't wait to spend time with you this weekend, man.

I have a lot to talk to you.

Me too, man.

It's going to be a blast.

It's going to be a really fucking blast.

I am so fucking pumped, man.

I just got a text from Coach.

Why doesn't he text me?

Don't text him right now.

I'm going to go, hey, man, are we texting?

No, no, don't do that.

Come on.

Just give it a give it a beat.

I'm not going to text him.

I'm not going to text him.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to shine him on the field.

I'll be like, oh, Coach Norville.

Oh, good seeing you again.

And he'll say, it's great to see you, man.

He'll give him a hug.

And I'll go, it's great seeing you.

Thanks for having us, man.

Yeah.

What's he saying?

Is he saying he's ready for this fucking.

Does he need us to go into the locker room and give him a pump-up speech?

He might be like, I'm good.

Let's see.

I haven't even opened it yet.

Let's see.

I heard you and the fat guy are coming down to the show.

So.

Yeah, he's just hoped to see you.

Excited for it.

It's going to play is going to be rocking.

He's right.

I mean, they have

the new, you know,

renovation.

The new club seat, like the stadium is kind of redone.

It's going to be, it's going to be awesome, man.

We're going to have a blast.

And then, and then I think, I mean, I'm sure we'll go onto the field before.

And then, what are you wearing?

I hadn't thought of that.

What are you wearing?

I'm wearing garnet pants

with flip-flops.

And then I think maybe a collared FSU shirt.

Wow.

With a Porosos,

maybe a Porosos Garnet and Gold hat.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, that's great.

Or I have an FSU hat.

It depends.

They want me to do something before the game.

So, and I don't know.

So let's see if I can slide by the Porosos hat.

So I'm sure they're going to be like, hey, what's Porosos?

I'm like, ah, it's like a club.

It's just a seminal thing.

I'm just kind of keep walking.

It's part of the chant, you know, if you listen to the lyrics.

We can give the best fucking pump-up speeches to that team.

Yeah.

Here's my problem.

Here's the problem.

Would you code switch it all and be like, yo, what's up?

What's up, homies?

Yeah, yeah, get some, right?

Yeah, do that.

Do that.

No, you would do that.

Oh, I do that?

Yeah, you code switch when you talk to black people.

All right.

Y'all know what it is.

Yeah, sure.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Y'all know what it is.

Coach Neil Dorville's a honky.

Yeah.

Time to teach these crackers.

What time is it?

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

No, I can't wait, dude.

I'm stoked.

We should wrap up.

I have an IV.

Okay.

And

I can't.

Let's fucking get to Tallahassee.

This is going to be fucking fun.

Let's get there, dude.

We hope you enjoyed the final episode of the two of us, and we will see you in our future endeavors.

Lots of love, everybody.

Goodbye.

Bye.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.