The Summer Bears Phone It In w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Hey gang, I am going to be on tour starting this September.

I'm going to be in London September 7th, second show added in London.

Then we're going to be in Dublin on September 12th.

After that, coming to America November 6th in Memphis, then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Myrtle Beach, classy Myrtle Beach, Austin, and Boston.

And we will be adding more shows soon.

But if you want to come see me, please check me out there.

That's it, baby.

And then I will be the big one, September 5th, Chicago Theater.

September 11th, theater at Madison Square Garden.

And then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby.

So come see me.

I'm also in Boston in October.

Got a...

shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier.

Just go to chrisdcomedy.com for tikki wikis.

Thanks for all the support.

100%.

Cheers.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to the final episode of Summer Bears with Chris Destefano and Stavros Halikis.

Halkias, motherfucker.

Damn it.

Halkias.

The I is after the K.

It's okay.

And Stavro Segura.

Dude, by the way.

You're on Tom now?

Yeah, I think we switched.

Yeah.

You know, we are Tom.

I thought about this actually because a lot of our dynamic is me needling you to tell embarrassing stories.

Yes.

And that kind of is Tom and Bert.

That is Tom and Burt.

Tom kind of sits back and goes, oh, tell me about that

horrifying thing that your family is going to be pissed about you revealing.

Yes.

That's kind of what I do to you.

Yeah.

Even though I'm fat.

Yeah,

open up your comedy special talking about your daughter's period.

And see it and then film her in school.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I,

by the way, I do, you do look nice in that purple shirt, which is probably the same color as Bert's liver.

It's the royal color.

I think.

He doesn't have a disease liver.

He has a royal liver.

That's true.

You know, look at it that way.

Now, this is our final summer.

This is the last one.

This is our final summer.

I actually can't believe it's six weeks.

This is six weeks.

We were only supposed to be signed on for five.

They let us go to six

because Tom and Bert just don't want to do it anymore.

No, no, no.

I mean, we think this is our last one.

If they make us a big enough offer, we'll come back again.

But listen, we know we got the bargaining power now.

I thought, honestly, I had no idea what to expect.

I was like, oh, Chris, it'll be fun.

I love doing pods with Chris.

Tom and Bert love those guys.

If we could do them a solid,

great.

I thought people would hate.

Because I'm trying to conceive of a world where you step into someone's podcast and everyone's not pissed off.

To me, I was like, this doesn't make any sense.

They listen for you guys.

I have been shocked at how much people love this episode.

Our episode.

People have been stopping me in the stream, being like, thank you for taking over two bears.

It almost feels like someone is making them listen to this podcast.

I don't understand.

Like they're strapped in the fucking clockwork orange chair and they have to watch Two Bears One Came.

And it's like, oh my God, thank God it's two guys we don't really know that well.

And it's a better show.

I have to go back and watch.

I guess the show sucks.

I always have fun when I do it.

I didn't realize people hate it, but you know, this has been great for me.

Hey, because this is sort of like the, this is kind of how I want to do, this is what I think think of my, what I want in my life.

I would love to be a like second husband, stepfather,

because

and it's just nice.

Someone has set the bar so low.

Sure.

Tom and Bert are sort of like the guy that knocked the lady up in high school.

Right.

Promised they'd be there forever.

They changed.

Right.

Right.

They don't treat her well anymore.

They're off to Hollywood.

Right.

And now we're just some guy who pays the bill.

We don't do, we don't, we're not doing a good job.

No.

We're just not, I guess, just really bad at it.

We don't even understand.

They said the bar is so nice and low, we're just kind of fucking around, and people act like this is the best entertainment they've ever had in their lives.

Like, I kind of feel like we're that, we're those guys that, like,

you know, like, we're on an NBA team, and, like, you know, the team, the starters are blowing the other team out, and the fans start to cheer for we won stavium, Chris.

And then we're like a 7-8 Chinese guy.

And then he gets up and takes off, and they're like, ah,

yeah.

But you can only have him play for a minute or two.

So

maybe it's going to be, you know what?

We come in every six weeks.

Whatever it may be.

Yeah, to be honest, I was really worried that you, because you've had this problem in the past, anytime anything semi-successful happens, you decide to change your whole life and plan it around that.

Yes.

I'm really dreading the phone call I'm going to get in two weeks when you're late on your mortgage.

It's like.

Summer bears.

Let's make it every week.

You know what I mean?

I'm really hoping, like, don't let's not do that.

I'll do the thing where it's like things are getting really, really good.

And I'll be like, let's stop it here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's stop it.

Yes.

We could actually go on to superstar and I'm like, why do that?

Shouldn't we suffer?

That's what Marcus Aurelius said to do.

Let me tell you.

No, first of all, I love that.

You're into stoicism now.

Now, I've been for four years.

Okay, okay.

I can really tell.

You're a very stoic guy.

You didn't talk about fucking a media company fucking you over on the last episode for a half hour.

That's how Marcus Aurelius would have handled it.

What I did is I talked about a media company disrespecting you for 30 minutes feeling disrespected like a little bitch, and then I begged Benson Spoon to edit it all out.

It's a 20-minute episode?

Yeah, then he just let it all rip.

And now I'm being actively sued by that media company.

Hey, if you want to sue me, get in line.

Today's one of the first days we've recorded this episode.

They didn't have to run right out and go to court.

Go to court.

That's true.

That is true.

But no, I want to be very clear.

We are, this is it.

There is no, we're not making a podcast.

No, we're not, this, there's something about life is like these, these are little surprises.

I didn't even expect this to be this fun.

No, I really thought this was going to be bullshit.

Yeah.

And I was just kind of doing it because whatever.

Right.

You know, who gives a fuck?

Right.

It'll be fun.

Let's play the website.

It's been fun.

Me and you have been friends a long time.

Yes.

I always have fun when you do my pod.

Right.

We don't talk every day, and now it's like we're catching up with each other.

It is mixing more.

It's been nice to like, oh, our friendship is blossoming.

It absolutely has.

And, but that's the thing.

These things are beautiful.

They just.

They are.

you don't have to, let's not commodify everything.

Yes, no.

Let's let the Summer Bears be a memory we have.

This is like when you're plenty of these listeners, now they're 40-year-old men, 40-year-old women.

The love has gone from their lives.

Right, right.

And you're jacking off to the, you know, getting fingered in a car when you're 18.

You couldn't have married the guy that fingered you.

No, no.

If it became a long-term relationship, you would start to hate us too.

Yes.

Right.

But we're just here.

We're the guy you cheat with and always, we're the ones that got away.

let us be your podcast ones that got away folks we will not be here

this will not continue but this is it was fun while we last summer loving some are loving

this pod was okay

for six weeks the pod was okay

it wasn't good yeah yeah we just both turned into john travolta just massaging

we just yeah neither one of us was living you and john we're just john javolta holding our ass open for a masseuse yeah yeah remember that yeah Oh, he was trying to get the massage like fucking ass or whatever.

Now, I love that we're saying all this, and then we leave here, and the head of the network is standing there with an immediate guaranteed offer for another six.

We sign it on the spot with Yamaka's on, just right away.

Full Yannis on, and we are back for, hey, it's not the summer bears, it's the fall

autumn bears.

Hey, pumpkin bears.

We're back.

It's a different show.

We swap seats.

We have a different set.

We're coming to you live from a wicker basket.

But you know what?

It was one of those things where I didn't even know.

Because when I got a call about it, I was like, what?

Well, like, well, I didn't even know what was happening.

Yes.

Because then Tom was like, hey, I really need to talk to you.

And I was like, oh,

when Tom texted me, I really need to talk to you.

Call me back.

It's important.

I genuinely thought that maybe his phone got hacked and our text messages got leaked.

Because the things that Tom and I say back and forth to each other is a felony effect.

So I was like, oh, maybe I'm going to, maybe this is bad.

You didn't think it was an opportunity.

Maybe Tom wanted to do that.

No, but that's where my brain always goes.

It's like, it's always like, what did I do?

Who's mad at me?

What did I mess up?

Sure.

But Tom was immediately like, no, no, I have a, you know, I think you and Stav would be good on the show.

And he was right.

Yeah.

He was right.

We are actually a good mix for this.

Nice.

For this specific thing, we're a good mix.

We are good.

And I think that I think, yeah, I think

we've been trying.

The first two episodes, we really tried to make it big.

And then the last three, we've been trying to run it into the ground.

We're like, well, it's not working.

Yeah, yeah.

Well,

I think last week's did it.

Yeah, last week's.

I think last week's this week, if we really just hopefully we can really get into the weeds of comedy and

vaccines.

Process.

Process.

Let's talk seriously about the geopolitical climate.

Bring up Mom Donnie as many times as you can.

Votes are on for sure.

100%.

That is true.

Do that.

Don't get me going.

We talked about trans children last week, which was awesome.

Yep.

What else could we talk about?

Well, we wanted to, we figured last episode, Tom and Bert must have sent some fun videos.

Sure.

They don't give a fuck at all.

They're out.

Didn't even send videos.

Couldn't bother.

We saw the production value last time.

It was literally just Burt doing this outside.

Couldn't do that.

So, you know, it's been eight minutes.

Maybe, you know, this is really the one where we're like, all right, fuck it.

52 minutes.

This is, because you know what this is?

This is, ironically, it's the last day before summer vacation for us.

Really?

This is our last fucking show.

This is it.

Are they going to do fire us?

Seriously.

It's like, what does Ric Flair say, fire me?

I quit.

I don't know.

Ric Flair has a good quote.

I don't think Ric Flair is what it invented.

You can't fire me, I quit.

That's not Ric Flair.

Was it Marcus Aurelius?

Yeah.

Didn't Marcus Aurelius like fucking kill his wife's something?

He got cucked and they like killed the guy.

Yeah.

He did a really not stoic thing.

Yeah, and it's also like, it's also like, I was into it for a minute, and it's kind of like, I get it.

I mean, it is.

It was like Taylor Swift for guys with high blood pressure for a while.

It was like,

like, that's all you.

So people were like doing Huberman's sunlight protocol and listening to Marcus Aurelius.

I feel like three years ago, every guy was doing that.

It's like I went through all the phases.

It's like I started taking creatine.

I started getting natural sunlight upon rising.

Of course.

You know, grounding myself with shoes and socks, listening to stoicism.

You're putting your nuts in the ground.

Does that happen?

Dude,

allegedly, all you have to do is get some part of your body on a living thing, like that's rooted in the ground.

So you don't even have to be barefoot in the ground.

You can just put your hands on a tree and also get the same kind of energy.

I've got the grounding mats.

I've done every peptide protocol you could think of.

I've went through it all.

Now I'm done.

I'm just done.

I don't care about it anymore.

Suburban dead.

Because it's the same thing.

It really is.

Really, all these, I mean, I get it.

It's different examples and whatever works for you.

But for me, I found like every philosophy, whether it's Stoicism, Buddhism, whatever it is you're trying to do, it's all basically telling you the same thing, and that's be in the present.

Your life is happening now.

Everything is for right now.

If you just do that, which is, by the way, the hardest thing to do and near impossible.

Of course.

But that's, but that's every single saying is just that.

It's just be in the present.

It's just so I'm like, okay, I got that.

I can't do it.

Yeah.

I'm trying and I can't do it.

So instead, I'll just, you know, not do any of that and just try not to go on social media and I can not jerk off, which is both.

What are your numbers a week, J-O?

J-O.

So it depends.

If I'm on the road, if I'm on the road,

until I bleed.

But if I'm at home, you know what I've noticed being at home, I don't know if it's because I've just

to do like in the house or whatever, but like.

It's actually, it's funny you bring this up.

Just this morning, just this morning, for the first time, I got the urge and I brought my phone in because my iPhone's waterproof, and I just was because the only place I can safely jerk off

is in the shower, like actually physically in the shower.

Yes, so I'm jerking off.

You don't even have like a little

office?

Do you have anything?

Yeah, but there's all boxes and stuff in it, and there's guys doing work in my house.

So it's like I could, but then and you'd come really fast because you smell the pheromones.

Exactly, dude.

Like you smell those real man.

I don't think this guy wants, yeah, and I don't think the guy wants cum on his table.

So again,

so

Mr.

DiStefano, is there like sap?

Yeah, something around around here?

Yeah, I noticed that my power joe's a little sticky.

Did you kids drop apple juice on it?

Why does it smell like chlorine and pineapples?

Oh, you've been, you've been, that's a protocol you're following.

That's protocol, the pineapple juice protocol.

But I noticed, like, I haven't in a while.

I haven't like done any of that in a while.

Haven't even really been having sex.

And I'm like, it took me like a while to even get like aroused and a while to even like get the, and normally it'd be like three pumps.

And I'm like, am I reaching that age where it's like not testosterone's going down, but like libidos going down?

And I'm like, is testosterone too?

Is that kind of a good thing, though?

Like where you're not like fully motivated, of course, being led by your dick everywhere.

It's what I can't wait for.

I can't, I dream of a world where I'm just a fat, sexless grandpa.

You know what I mean?

Like, I just want, like, it just, like, I think you were done, but like, your dad still fucks at his age.

He tries, yeah.

It's crazy, you know?

He should be done.

I mean, this is the same guy who was hospitalized for lasagna over

and he's still trying to get pussy.

It's like, let it go, man.

Yeah.

Have some fucking sauce and spaghetti and just die.

Just chill out.

Just chill, eat till you die.

Yeah.

Folks, summertime, it's hard.

We're the summertime bears.

We have our own

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And you know, I'm trying to be health conscious, Chrissy.

It doesn't help when Benson Spoon is trying to sabotage me with desserts.

But, you know, who's the anti-spoon?

the anti-Benson spoon?

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Well, you're see, that's you're much better.

You're one of the best guys I've ever met at just kind of not, it's not necessarily you are in the moment, but it's it's not that.

It's like kind of just trusting that whatever your decision is making is the right one and not overthinking it.

You don't spend 99%, but you don't spend 99% of your day being like, what should I do?

No, I, what I, I obsess over a decision, right?

I do, but when it's done, I'm just like, all right, you did it.

But don't get me wrong, I overthink quite a bit.

Right.

I overthink quite a bit.

Well, I do think that's one thing because I was like living my life with like

straddling two things, like, do I move?

Do I not move?

Do I get married?

Do I not get married?

You do love making decisions.

But now I just make the decision and right or wrong, I just do it.

And I still do have some residual, like, was that the right move?

But I notice quicker.

I've noticed actually, and people have noticed this, my friends and family, how much less stress, even though I'm, you know, at times coming off stress, how much less stress I have that I almost like don't even know what to do with the tranquility and peace.

So I'm telling myself actively what I've done subconsciously many, many times in my life is I found some kind of problem.

I found some kind of issue to like make me because you're addicted to that adrenaline, but now I'm trying to actively not do that.

I'm really, even though I went publicly and trashed a media company on this podcast last week.

Sure.

But other than that, I'm actively trying to be like, no, no, don't put yourself in that situation again where you're, you're at peace right now.

Be at peace.

What do you do with the piece, though?

Well, that's swim in the pool.

Well, that's the thing.

The piece is not making, I can't even come with the piece.

I can't even get horny.

I'm trying to jerk off in the shower with the corner.

What was the inciting incident that made you want to nut this morning?

What do you mean?

Was there something that you, you know,

was

Hoda and Kathie Lee looking good and good morning?

Oh, yeah,

yeah.

Because I remember, you know, sometimes you'll just be watching TV and like a...

just like an ad for like stack or two will come up and a girl a girl looks good in a sports bra and you're like nice no you know what happened is today we were in the kitchen and my girl went to go lift to get the pancake mix for the girls and her shorts that she was wearing to bed just kind of creeped up just ever so slightly and the bottom of her butt cheeks popped out and then she had to she's short so she had to jump and it kind of jiggled

and then butt cheeks jiggle and we can't have sex because my house is full of construction workers and children right so i just said now i'm now i'm gonna go into the shower and jerk it to transport

oh really so still what you're yeah it wasn't like you were you weren't just thinking about your girl you were like let's fucking take it up a a notch.

Yeah, of course.

It's like, of course, let's fucking put an electrode to my dick.

That's the only way I can come.

Yeah, just, I have to think of you having a penis.

But, yeah, man, I mean,

I can't lie, dude.

I am sad, and I do know that

the head ad guy of this network is here outside, and he's looking tan and extra diesel

to try to get us, I think, possibly

some type of deal.

No, what he's trying to do,

he's trying to honeypot us is what he's trying to do.

He looks good, he looks hot, he's going to be a little bit more.

Do you want to go straighten him.

He's going to have, he's going to, you know, he's going to throw into this next deal, unlimited Tiramasu.

Uh-oh.

He's going to do the things that we know he can't say no to.

He's going to say, what if I give you guys Tiramasu?

That's a mistake.

Because I've already had Tiramasu.

So you got to get me early.

You got to get me early.

Now I'll make a stand.

I'll be like, how dare you, sir?

Yeah.

After just.

It's like, you know, when like a,

I'm sure, like when a politician just a kid and then they go and they're like, now we're done.

Yeah.

Now we're going to release, from now on, we release the client list, but not back then.

Yeah.

We clear it out.

We can't do it yet.

We can't do the old ones.

Or like how closeted, how so many like people that are like, do you see that guy who was like, he was talking about child prayers and he was on, he was distributing child

under the name Joe Biden 69.

He was like a Republican senator, which is like, even when you're being a

Joe Biden.

Yeah, Jesus,

dude.

Yeah.

But no, that's what would happen to me if you tried to offer me desserts now.

It's like, I just had desserts.

Yeah.

So I'm fucking free of desserts.

Right.

Yeah.

You can't tempt me with that shit.

Suck it.

Yeah,

I think that I can be.

Here's the thing with me is I'm very principled in my beliefs until you say, hey, what about it?

But you can have this money and then your kids, you can just pay for your kids' college, which they inevitably aren't going to want to go to college because college will be obsolete by the time they're college age.

But for me, I'm so ingrained in the old school way of thinking.

Like, I'm the guy I got to pay for my kids' college.

So, that's just all I think about it.

It's like, if you can give me an amount of money that can pay for a semester of my kids' imaginary college 15 years from now, I'll do anything.

Yeah.

Don't you think you're using that as an excuse?

My whole life is an excuse.

Yeah.

Like, ultimately, your kids will be fine.

Yeah.

So now you can be like, well, I need it for my kids.

Yeah.

I have to go suck the Amir's dick.

Yeah.

I have to go.

Oh, I need it because, you know, we needed a new kitchen.

Yeah.

We can't be here.

I needed to move again.

How long do you think you'll be at this house?

No, so what's happened is

this hat, what the actual, I'm almost like trying to give myself like a no way out clause of this house because I cannot, I cannot even think about moving.

Number, first and foremost, my kids again.

Of course.

Think about that.

Yeah, I know you're like, look, whatever it takes, if I have to go to Saudi Arabia and do comedy, that's for my kids.

Now, they won't have stability for the first five.

You know, you know, you know, the most important time for development for a child?

Yeah.

Ages zero to eight?

No stability.

Zero.

Yeah.

But I will leave them to do stand-up comedy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I will go to Saudi Arabia.

So

I will just add another podcast.

Right.

You know, I

think like for me, what I'm, you know, I can't, like, we've had a conversation.

I will not, like, philosophically, we cannot do it.

It's actually like wrong.

No, no, there's something psychologically wrong with you to move this many times.

Right, right.

There's already something psychologically wrong to do it up to this point.

If you do it again, it's actually like diagnosable, like you need to maybe be institutionalized.

Yeah, yeah.

Like something's happening.

Yes.

So, so no, but you never moved as a kid.

You grew up in the same house.

Same house.

So then I don't know like what is this escapism I've had in my brain.

Because I, you know, I have been the one being like, let's move.

Like,

I've been the one initially.

I've been the one being like, let's go here, let's go there.

You know, dude, I moved, I sold my house in Staten Island to move back to Queens because I was like, oh, I want to be closer to my friends.

And I was like, what?

And then, I mean, I love my friends, but it's like, dude, you have a family.

Like, what are you doing?

Staten Island was crazy.

Yeah, that was the first, you know, but I like the house there.

But so now for this one, it's like, we're like, what I've been doing is like, I'm trying to like ingratiate myself into the neighborhood in a way I've never done.

Dude, I went, tell me if you think this is, tell me what you think

the people,

I'll tell you what I did and tell me what you think the people who were on the other end of this thought.

I, for no reason, I didn't even tell, run this by my family, I went to the farmer's market in my neighborhood and I got two peach pies that are delicious and delectable.

Love that.

And I walked into my local police precinct and

preemptively.

I gave the local police a peach pie.

That was your first stop was the cops.

I said, hey, my name's name's Krista Steffero.

I'm new to the neighborhood.

I gave them my address.

Hey, I go, boys, and this is what I do.

You're like, listen, my children are Puerto Rican.

You see any Latino children in any trouble?

I'd appreciate it if I got the call first.

Yeah.

Don't book them.

Here's a pie.

I literally go, I literally, I had these two peach pies, and to the female commanding officer, I go, just know these peach pies are for you boys, and I respect what you boys do.

She hit her with a double boys.

So she looked at me and she was like, what's your name name again?

Yeah.

And I told her my name again.

She was like, Where's your address?

And I told her again.

And then she wrote it down on a piece of paper, took the pies, and didn't even say thank you to my face.

She said thank you as she was turning away.

So I pretty much think I gave them pies as an effort to be like, Hey, I'm in this neighborhood.

I'm not leaving.

If you actually try to see me leave this neighborhood, move, arrest me.

Yeah.

Like, I am here.

And I think that I offended the commanding officer probably who was the.

And I think they also think, like, what kind of nefarious things are you in this too?

Yep.

Why would you bring us peach pies just because you moved to

not your neighbors?

No, you went to the police first.

I mean, that really is the most funny thing.

No, I've put up electrical fences around my house so none of the neighbors can even walk.

You didn't go say hello.

You didn't give a fuck.

You went to the police.

Yes, dude, actually, yeah.

I went

to local police precinct, and then I've introduced myself to the state.

Not the school where your kids go.

Every store I've been into in my neighborhood, I introduce myself to whoever's behind the desk and tell them what my name and address is and where i live yeah where jazz has said i know what what are you doing

this is crazy she's like what do you she said the same thing i was like oh it's a small town like we should know like we're a part of this community she was like they'll know like when when they go to school the kids will go to school like we'll meet people like please stop telling people where we live address is insane what the police precinct is okay though right to say the address i mean to say the address but i don't understand why you would start with police you didn't start with your neighbors you didn't go to your kids school you didn't go to like a church a place of worship or something i went to the local law enforcement.

So the cops are what you think your community is going to be?

Yeah.

That's who you see yourself hanging out with?

Yeah.

Is the police?

Yeah.

You're like, look, you go, you're like, by the way, at Madison Square Garden, November

11th,

September 11th,

you're just going to your like bread.

You're essentially like flyering.

Yeah.

You're like two-for-one tickets.

You go there, you go to the flyer.

That's just a weird...

It is honestly bizarre.

It's a bizarre thing.

I think that I probably.

Why is that?

I need professional help, or I think I just need to be on some kind of medication because I think that I just need a little space for my anxiety.

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You know, like that's what a pill does.

It just gives you a little space.

So you always say anxious move.

Yeah.

That was an anxious move.

You're like, I gotta go ingratiate myself with the police.

Yeah.

And I do think think now, being like in that house and

facing the thought of like, this is your home.

Like, this is your home.

You decided on this one.

What my brain is doing, this thing now, where it's starting to, because it's like these same patterns, but I'm combating them all as best I can.

It's saying, oh, you bought this house for the next 15 years.

You want to be here for at least 15 years because, you know, a little one to get through school.

And so it's like, and I'm like, you know what?

But I could, I could move, but in the same neighborhood.

you know, it's like, it's like, so that's crazy.

That's what I'm saying.

So it's starting, and that's insane.

So, what I'm doing is to try to combat that, I'm just saying it publicly and letting the fans shame me into saying, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, then this is my, this is my

lost health insurance.

Why do you think, yeah, why the fuck do you keep wanting, you just feel trapped?

Is it because you feel trapped by everything else?

You know, you can't abandon your family, you're not that kind of guy, even though in your heart you want, you're you're even though you are a crypto kraut, you're still Italian, yeah, you still're culturally Italian,

So, what you want is either a gumar

or to abandon your family, but you're a good guy, so you can't do that.

So, all the only change you have, the only thing you can control is where you live, right?

And so, you're like, I am going to, I am going to show control by moving.

You think that's what it is?

You just want to have a little, do you feel like you don't have control, Chris?

I think I don't feel like I don't have control.

And I think, I think that what it really is, if I'm being honest, and this is, and this is where we get philosophical and

hopefully this is where we're now.

We're trying to make it, dude.

We tried, this is the last one.

Yes, we're going to fucking tank it.

That's 100%.

Don't watch.

If you're still watching now, you've already registered one view at least on YouTube.

Stop now, scumbags.

Stop right now.

Yeah, dude.

But before you do, I'm going to be in London September 7th.

Really got to sell.

We added a second show there.

Hell yeah.

I'm going to be in Memphis at some point in November or something.

Well, maybe we plugged at the beginning, actually.

Hell yeah.

Well, Well, let's put it back, Ben Smith.

I've never been to Memphis.

Memphis seems like it's going to be cool.

Never been in Monday.

I like Memphis.

Yeah, yeah.

Having a hard time selling tickets, though.

Hey, London's good, though.

That's good.

I really am excited for London.

I'm excited for Double.

So I think what happened is with me, I think what's going on is,

you know, my father was like a gambler, and I think gamblers are, you know, everyone thinks gamblers are addicted to winning, but I think they're addicted to losing, right?

Giannis and I have had this conversation before.

He's actually the one that he was like, oh, I think that could be it.

And I think he's right.

I brought it up to my therapist.

My therapist was like, that's interesting.

That's interesting.

Another $200.

Yes, please.

Yeah.

I think I'm addicted to losing.

So when you move or try to like run out, like, because the last two moves have been we move and you feel like we feel like we lost everything we had.

And then my, and then I spend two years trying to get it back.

That's what gamblers do.

They lose, and then you're trying to get it back.

And you're addicted to that feeling of get it back, get it back.

Yeah.

So I would do that even in like relationships.

I'd be like, oh, everything's going good.

Let me ruin it.

Get it back, get it back, get it back.

Let me get some hit on it.

So I'm realizing this pattern.

Now, I don't know if I can necessarily stop it, but it is, I am never been more aware of what's happening.

So that's why when these feelings pop up with the specific moving, I'm like, you, what, you know, what's happening now?

It's you're addicted to that losing.

You're not going to do any of that.

Don't do anything.

Even I, dude, we immediately moved in, and I said to Jazz, I was like, oh, you know, like this, the house, like, you know, we really got to be careful financially.

Like, we got to build back up.

You know, it's a lot.

You know, you got to invest in a house.

And for anyone buying a home at any level, level, it's like you deplete your

and it's tough and it's scary.

And so, and so I'm like, we got to, you know, really be careful.

She's like, Chris, totally.

Like, I get it.

Like, we don't need much, honestly.

And then 10 minutes later, I'm like, should we renovate the kitchen?

Why don't you get, let's get a, and then I'll start texting contractors, getting quotes.

And she's like, stop.

Yeah.

Stop it.

You're doing the same thing.

You have to do something.

Now you're doing it within, now you're not moving, but you're putting yourself somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just stop it.

Yeah.

And so, because her whole thing is always like, if you, because even like with certain gigs that I want to do, she's like, Chris, if you don't want to do something, don't do it.

You carry so much strain with you all day.

Like, should I have done that?

She's like, just let it go.

Either do it or don't.

She's like, just let it go.

This is why I'm having an affair.

This is why I have to keep cheating on you with real men.

Yeah.

Why do you think we could afford the

new kitchen?

Yeah.

You think we're actually paying with money for that?

Or do you think

you think I really hit it off?

Let's just say you gave the police a pie.

pie i gave the contractors a little pie but i yeah yeah and i and i but i dude i know we've said it last week but i think this all goes down to catholic guilt this is dude that riddled with guilt that's a religious thing it's a freaking thing that it's you're overcome with yeah you just don't have it i gotta go greek dude i have guilt i have guilt but i have i have immigrant guilt i have family guilt right but i don't but morality or like doing so you know i like and also there's no real pressure every family I saw was bad.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, I just, so in my head, I have to reorganize where I'm like, I don't have the pressure.

I mean, I'm single, obviously.

I think that's probably, that's part of the problem is that I'm scared.

I'm scared to end up like you.

Yeah.

Where I'm like, I'm with a family.

I want to fucking, I keep either wanting to move.

You're the best case scenario because like you could just be fucking doing something worse than moving.

But like I am scared to just,

I do have the same thing of not wanting to feel trapped.

Everything you're describing to me is like feeling trapped.

Yeah, like I keep asking ChatGPT if I can have a do-over.

And they're like, what do you mean?

We're so fucked, by the way.

When they fucking put ChatGPT into sex robots, like you have a wife and kids, think about someone who gets no pussy just in their fucking house, has no emotional connection to anyone.

And they put ChatGPT in a fucking like

in a big titted fucking Japanese sex robot.

You think it can limit shootings?

No, because now the CIA will just hack your chat gpt girlfriend and be like you should assassinate yeah you know whoever you know they'll they'll be it'll be so much easier to set up assassination interesting so you can because they don't want to send fucking uh you know the guy who shot kennedy to cuba or whatever you know what i mean like cia can save so much money on training yeah and now they can just hardwire it into your sex robot while you're fucking your like you know

triple D and you can pick any kind of the sex robot technology is going to be a big problem I think about myself 18 getting no pussy.

Oh, my God.

What I would have done for a like fucking next level sex robot that told me I'm a good guy that like I've been chatting with on ChatGPT so it knows all my wants and needs.

What I would have done for like a fucking fat-titted, curly-haired sex robot, maybe a, maybe a red bone.

Because you can't talk to ChatGPT sexually right now.

It doesn't acknowledge it.

It says, I can't do that.

Oh, they're about to change that.

Yeah.

They're going to change that real when they're when they're going to change that real soon.

And then it's going to be like, you know, telling you who to vote for.

Oh, yeah.

You'll do whatever.

They'll be able to control us so easily.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, people are going to ChatGPT so fast.

Stop, by the way.

Stop talking to ChatGPT, everyone.

That's what I'm saying.

Take it for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take, yeah, don't, you'll end up like Chris.

And now, look, do I have it all figured out?

No.

Am I fat?

You know, do I have my own vices?

Do I have my own problems?

Yes.

But a computer will not solve it.

A computer that's spying on you, by the way.

Will not solve it.

But you do, just from a stress level, even though I do love my life, there are times even though i again wouldn't change anything because i love coming home to my kids and they're so did you ever think about what happened if you had just worn a condom on your first date well i think about that like if we're just talking about very specifically stress yeah like my father before i had my oldest daughter he literally said to me the night before

she was you know gonna give birth he goes oh this will be the last night of peace you ever have wow and i was like what do you mean by that he's like i'm not trying to scare you i just want you i just want to be honest with you you're this tonight the baby's inside the mother, you're going to go to sleep with your head on the pillow, and it'll be the last time that your brain and body are in the same place.

Because every time from now on, unless you're in the same house with your child, your brain will be one way, and you'll be worried about the child, and it never goes away.

He was like, You know, you're time I was 30.

He's like, You're 30 years old, and I still worry if you're home or not.

Wow.

Okay, he's like, I don't blow up your phone and text you, and I can usually tell myself, Chris is okay, he's a grown man, but he was like, You're having having a daughter, it's true, so I don't know.

He's like, With girls, I don't know if it ever goes away.

Well, yeah, you know, I feel like, isn't it like basically when you're a parent and you have a kid, it's like you're constantly constantly playing a version of Final Destination in your head, always, which is like all the ways your kid can fucking die

without you even thinking about it, dude, because it's like anything that happened.

Like, my daughter, my little daughter's scab keeps opening, and I'm like, Well, what, what could that be?

Is it gonna bleed out?

Yeah, is that gonna bleed out?

Or is it, was that some type of skin disease?

I don't even freaking know about it.

How am I gonna save her?

Right.

Do I have to John Q it and just shoot myself in the head like Denzel Washington did?

And it's just this paranoia of parents that I'm trying to learn to control now.

Yeah.

Because it's easy for people to be like, just let go.

Just let fate take its course.

Like, no, you can't.

It's like, it's like, it's like you, you are, like, right now I'm doing this podcast with you.

I'm looking at you, but my brain is kind of looking at my phone, being like, am I going to look at my phone?

And I'm going to have nine missed calls from Jasmine because something happened to her or one of the kids.

Like, so that idea of like peace and just settling in, I don't know

if I can get to that without a little medication.

I think I might just, I think I'm at the point now where I just need, I can't figure out, I've been working out, I've been trying to do everything, I've been meditating, I've been going less on stoicism, I've been trying to do everything I can.

I've been, you know, watching Hitler rally.

That's the last word.

Oh, sorry.

I don't know about that last one.

Sorry.

You're like, hopefully, one day society will be organized in a way that makes sense.

You just, you're talking to all this, like, that is true, though.

We are getting like spiritual Nazis right now.

Yeah.

Like, people, that is back in a big way, in a way that's like,

we all agree Nazis are bad, right?

How are people just like cool with being Nazis?

It's insane.

Well, it's gotten all the way around to where even the good ideas are like, it's all become,

if you don't agree with me,

you're done.

You're not talking of Nazism.

You're talking about the good ideas in general.

Right.

Because the way you phrase that, you're like, and it's gotten to the point where we won't even acknowledge the good ideas.

It's like we have to cut and then we come back.

Yeah, no, it's like, it's like, look, you know, it's one of those things where society is now, if you don't agree with me, then you're wrong.

Whether that person has a good idea or a bad idea, it's like there's not that middle ground anymore, which is what being a human being is.

It's like we're just all gray zone idiots.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's becoming like, oh, you don't like who I.

It's not even about voting anymore.

It's like, oh, you don't like this idea that I, I'm very much like, I would assume we're not going to agree.

Yeah, it's weird.

Everyone has to have an agreement on everything.

On everything, but that's social media.

I'm telling you, dude, get off it.

Well, it's funny because even all the controversies that are happening where it's like, you know,

somebody gives a fuck, like Sidney Sweeney, like with her fucking

genes.

It's like, she has big tits and she's selling jeans.

Yeah.

That's what that means.

Yeah.

It's not an Aryan fucking dog with like, and I, you know, it's like, or, or just like, or it's like when people get mad, it's like, or like conservatives getting mad that South Park is making fun of Trump.

It's like,

wasn't the nice part about being like a Republican that you didn't have to care about what media said?

Yeah.

Wasn't it gay liberals that fucking battled when they didn't like us?

It's like, why do you have to know?

Why do you have to have opinions?

Why can't you just watch a movie and just have a good time?

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

In fact, it used to be trans stuff.

The funniest thing you could do is put a guy in a dress.

Yeah.

That's like through humanity.

And now people would see like Monty Python sketches and be like, Is that okay?

This is true.

They're like, you're trying to chop my child's dick off.

Yeah, dude, Patrick Swayze in a dress was amazing.

Oh, yeah.

Tu Wong Fu?

Yeah, yeah.

It was him, Wesley Snipes, and

John Luizamo.

It's amazing.

Classic Lino.

Classic dude, love it.

What's wrong with Little Cromwell?

What's wrong with Sidney Sweeney as a Nazi?

Well, again, that is.

That's wrong, okay.

But what's wrong with her having huge tits?

That's not the other thing.

No problem.

By the way, it's like, are they not paying her?

Why does she keep doing commercials?

Yeah.

Like, it's like, does she not make enough money?

Well, no, you know what?

You know what's happening?

By the way, this episode sucks, and I think we're doing a great job.

That's the whole point.

We're 35 minutes into absolute bullshit.

I mean, real fucking stinkers, which is great.

That's the point.

That is the point.

It's over.

We told you.

This is like, usually they throw like an ice cream party at school.

Right.

You know what I mean?

This is like, it's July.

It's June.

It's the end of June.

Yeah.

We're about to go on vacation.

Dude, like Labor Day.

We don't like this.

By the way, we don't like this podcast either.

We don't know.

We care.

Savi and I have both made burner accounts, and we're just absolutely, we're galvanizing some of these comments.

We're fueling all this stuff.

No, but wait, what was I saying?

I was going to just jump in and say something before.

Damn it.

It's okay, man.

Who's serious?

I was forgetting.

Remember the show side?

That's a good point.

It probably wasn't that good.

Yeah, you're right.

It probably was going to be something dumb.

Dude,

if you want to see real Kamita Gold, go over to We Might Be Drunk.

Me and Stavi jumped in on Holy Point.

We popped in.

That was actually really fun.

That was really, actually where the comedy gold is.

That was the funniest thing we've done all day.

It's okay.

It doesn't fucking matter.

No, but there was something.

There was something that I was just literally going to try to frick.

It's not going to be worth it.

You're going to do this, and then you're going to say it's going to be like a C.

Yeah.

And all the hemming and hawing, no one's going to like it.

Right.

All right, dude.

All right.

Well.

That's right.

Who fucking cares?

We're in here trying.

Oh, they're asking us, did any swingers reach out after the episode from two episodes ago?

I did not.

I don't know.

I haven't been on social media.

Did you get any?

No, any swingers?

No swingers.

And by the way, okay, that is an important thing.

I would like to reiterate: if you listen to the podcast and you want to suck me off, I'm open for business.

100%.

Okay, hit the DMs.

Show me a titty or two.

I'm not going to say no to it.

Remember Stavi's merch that we coined last week.

Somebody will suck you off.

Somebody will suck you off.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think

swingers.

Now, I, in this state of my life, would say probably not a good idea

for me.

But as we get older, why not?

Why not?

Why not in our 50s?

You've been married 20 years.

Why not open it up?

I think as life goes on.

Just a lot of, it gets complicated, I feel like.

And then also think about, I mean, I guess if your kids are out of the house, but I've met people whose parents were like swingers.

And it would be like, you have to go to a pizza party and you just know your mom's getting fucking spit roasted while your dad's in the chair jacking off.

Yeah.

That can't be a good thing.

That can't be good.

You're not really enjoying Zelda and Papa John's pizza when in the back of your head you're thinking like, I know what's going on in my house.

Yeah, no, you're doing comedy at the revisionist lounge.

You're taking the ham track up to

see

what's, I mean, they, you know.

This is amazing is that literally it's our last Summer Bears episode and Tom and Burt didn't even send in videos.

They couldn't have cared less.

Don't give a fuck.

Should we call them?

You want to call them?

Should we just see if there's some famous

some of their most famous videos, too?

Let's just see.

I bet you they're not going to answer.

Yeah.

So just call, see what we got.

Okay.

So who should I call?

Tom or Bert?

Whoever you got.

Whoever you got first on the.

Should I try Bert?

Try Bert.

Yeah, because accusation.

I think there's 17 numbers for Bert.

All right, here we go.

Here we go.

Let me call him.

It's 9.

He's up, right?

Oh, good point.

Yeah, 9:30.

It's 9:30 in L.A.

What's up?

Bert, what's up, baby?

It's me and Stavi.

We're live, the very last Summer Bears.

We wanted to call you.

Hang on.

Oh?

Taking my blood pressure medicine.

Are you really?

How many milligrams are you on?

I have no idea anymore.

I don't know.

Losardin?

I'm on Losardin.

Yeah, Losardin and Amelutapine.

Oh, wow.

You got two.

Nice.

The cocktail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like to take care of myself.

How's Wasavi's weight doing?

Dude, Stavi actually looks good, but Benson Spoon, Josh Zolo, brought us in Tiran Masu and cookies and all that and really put Stavi in a hole before the podcast started.

It is tough.

You guys killed it this fucking past

this past six weeks, seven weeks, whatever it was.

Thank you.

Of course, man.

Thank you.

You haven't seen the last two.

Yeah, the last two were...

They're bad.

We tried to dive it.

We're trying to leave it.

We're trying to bomb the last two.

You know what I mean?

We thought it was fun.

We started zeroing.

We thought it'd be fun for you guys to just take it out of, I mean, an even red gaping hole that you left it with us to us with.

Do you remember that pilot in Seattle, that guy that stole the plane and did a barrel roll?

Yes.

The first four episodes was like doing little tricks.

You guys are like, hold on, it's still fun.

I want to try one more.

Yeah, just one more.

And now we're in the side of Mount Rainier.

He cleared the water by 10 feet in a funeral aircraft.

100%.

No, we just, because we thought maybe you guys, for where we're having fun here, we thought maybe the last episode we'd send in a video, but we didn't even get that.

So we're like, let's just call Burke.

You guys are as checked out as we are.

But my first, my initial instinct, because I like when you guys break down other comics, that's always been fun for us.

And so, my initial instinct was: you know, Tom and I have a vodka, but Joe's diversified himself so much that I think having a vodka is just hack these days, that you need to have a real brand based on the comic.

So, I was going to have you go through a list of comics and say really what their fans would buy based on who they are.

Okay, okay.

Like, like, like, like Sam, Sam,

Sam Morrell has,

but what could he really sell to people based on his dull personality?

Right.

Right, right.

Yeah, like maybe an eyebrow, maybe a wax kit.

A wax kit.

A wax kit.

Yeah, yeah.

What would his fans go, oh, yeah, that is what I love about Sam?

Yeah, he could sell like Knicks jerseys to special needs kids.

Yeah.

That's okay, yeah.

So that we'll think of

some branding.

We'll pick some comics, think of some branding.

Brand deals.

Like, I had a flip-flop that did really well, and then they changed the brand on it.

And I was like, I picked out.

Right, right.

Interesting.

Yeah, you are a branded flip-flop guy.

What are you?

Flip-flop?

You could sell your own blood pressure medicine.

That's the next frontier.

Forget about Pfizer, it's Kreiser.

Kreischer vaccines.

You know for a fact that I treat my body the same way LeBron James does.

100%.

I know you do.

No, that is good.

If I can survive,

and I know that your liver is the same color as the skin.

Yesterday, I did a podcast with a guy who has blood pressure issues and his face was beat red.

And he was like, He was like, just, you know, it's not my blood pressure.

And he was like, 270 pounds and 80, 280 pounds.

And I was like, sure.

And then he's like, no, you got it too.

And I was like, fuck, I need more blood pressure.

Wait, hold on.

We want to go back to something you just said.

So we're over here doing your podcast, and you just said you're doing a podcast.

So

you could have been doing this show.

I just rapped, dude.

It's Tom is the one that bailed on it.

Dude,

I wrapped my TV show.

Oh, hell yeah.

Tom's like, oh, well, man, I need another week.

I got another week of production.

I can't do anything.

I love it.

Well, we're done.

So, fucking, you're going to have to go to the bottom of the barrel if you need another week.

I don't know who the fuck you're going to get if you can't do it.

We don't know.

We don't know who you're going to have to drag out.

Who could they drag out after we're done?

You're going to have to get like

who the hell?

Yeah, who could be who?

You know, I want you to go.

The real challenge is, I want you guys to do one podcast with Tom each, where he's just dull and gives you no feedback and no energy and doesn't laugh at you anymore because he's dead inside.

I love this.

We're doing couples, Councillor.

Yeah.

I watch, I watch

their podcast.

And I watch them still laugh at each other.

And I go, oh, I remember those days.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys are like the married couple at an orgy watching the newlyweds just fuck the shit out of each other.

Oh, yeah.

And you guys are just trying to jack off each other's limp dicks.

It's an eye roll.

Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Okay, yeah.

All right.

All right.

That's good.

That's good feedback.

You know, we'll see.

We'll call Tom.

He probably won't pick up.

Right.

And then, you know, we'll see if we can, you know, we can

see what he has to say.

Yeah, we'll see.

We'll see if that's that's the that's the key.

We'll see if Tom, at least Bert answered on the first round.

That's true.

We'll see if Tom even, Tom even answers.

Tom, be like, I can't answer.

I'm thinking of different ways to shit my pants on Netflix.

I'm crafting an even bigger fake dick for season two.

Season two of bad ideas.

Yeah.

All right, baby.

Go enjoy the blood pressure medicine.

Enjoy the flip-flops.

We appreciate it.

I love you guys.

Thank you so much.

Love you.

Love you, boy.

100%.

All right.

Thank you, bro.

Let's see, dude.

so if that didn't plummet the ratings i don't i see if calling burnt if you're still listening after we just called burnt and he i believe he called it bad ideas yes which is called bad thoughts but so if that does if you're still listening now you truly need more mental health than i do We literally just called Bert and Bert talking to himself for 10 minutes.

I love Bert's idea.

And I do feel bad because you were holding the phone, so I couldn't really shit.

But his idea was like branding.

It's like his idea for a bit is like, what could a comic sell that's better than alcohol?

Yeah.

It's like, how about we tell a joke?

Yeah.

How about stand-up comedy?

Yeah.

But he will be rich.

You know, we'll, we'll all be

when the apocalypse happens, we will be living in one of Bert's eight tour buses.

That will be, I'll be, we'll be sharing one of Bert's decommissioned buses as our like, I'll be like your child's nanny.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, which means

they're paying us from just dividends of poor Osos.

They're not even going into their pocket.

This is just runoff from Osos.

But yeah,

I feel like, I mean, Bert's idea of branded, I mean, dude, I don't know.

You know, Sam Nick stuff, Mark Norman, frickin', I mean, they already have a brand in Bodega County.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know,

I'm not selling.

I mean, the one thing I would like to get into at some point in my life is leisure wear for the plus-eyed gentleman.

I like that.

I would love, and that's not even because I want to make money on it.

It's because I know what it's like to be a fat guy that can't find clothes, and I want to find fun pieces of money.

You should call it, instead of Lululemon, call it Moomulemon.

Moo Moo Melon.

Moomu Melon, yeah.

Moo Moo Melon.

That's what it is.

Ooh, Moo Moo Melons.

Now we're selling

clothes for fat-titted ladies.

Moo Moo Melons actually is a great name for the business.

They also are asking us what should Tom and Berth do when they come back?

How do they win the audience back and the show?

Right?

How do they, how would they actually

suicide?

I think a fight to the death.

Yes.

Whoever kills the other one keeps the podcast.

Yeah, kind of how, like, I forgot one of them bought Hitler's teacup.

They can pull a Hitler and just do a suicide with Eva Braun, like just an assisted suicide.

And that's.

Oh, you know what?

A game of Russian roulette.

Nice.

Until one of them dies.

I think that's the only thing that will satiate the fans' bloodlust.

Yeah.

I think they need to watch one of them and just

And the thing is, you know, Tom, even though he wants to live, he actually wouldn't be like that shaken.

And Bert would be like crying.

Every time the like, there would be like, he'd be like, he'd be sad for both Tom and himself.

Yeah.

He would, and Tom would just be there fucking.

Yeah.

Tom would probably rig it somehow to kill Bert.

Tom would probably figure it out.

And I love that like Bert wins, like, you know, and blows his own brains out.

And then the team at one, like Benson Spoon, would know to edit Bert's brains flying out of his head with his tour dates and every special.

Like, he would just know that that's what I have to do because he's got a big date at Red Rock.

So, he would like to.

What if Bert shoots part of his brain out and he survives and it just doesn't affect his act?

Yeah.

Who says the same thing?

That's hilarious.

Dude, bad ideas is funny.

Calling it bad ideas is awesome.

But do you think that was a bit or do you think he actually thinks the name of the show is bad?

Do you think he's looking on Netflix like, why can't I find Tom Show?

You know what?

Yeah, that's so funny.

Yeah, he just.

It's not on Hulu?

Yeah.

You know how they say?

I like that, though.

There was a little snipping.

There was like him being like, you know, he just sits there dead-eyed.

I think they have it out.

I think they start arguing for real.

Yeah.

I think a little...

Them airing out.

Like, kind of go back to that episode of Marin where it's Louie, and it was like a three-part.

It's like everything they have against each other.

Yeah.

We could be the moment where they air all their grievances.

Yeah, we actually could be fun.

We saved the show.

Yeah, we didn't.

No, yeah, there's no chance.

There's no chance.

But why don't we call Tom?

See if he picks up.

Yeah, like we said, we're phoning it in.

Yeah.

We are quite literally phoning this one in.

Yeah, we're phoning.

Yeah, all right.

So let's call Tom.

I love how they all have, this is the seventh number I have for all of them.

Yeah.

All right, let's call Tom Segura.

I have Tom Segura, new, new, newest.

Yeah.

All right.

Here we go.

So now we're calling Tom Sorghor.

That makes sense.

I was texting him last year and was getting nothing.

No response.

Let's see if.

But I got the new one.

Tom being the true professional.

No chance.

Second, second ring.

He's not going to answer.

No.

No way.

No way.

Tom answered.

Even a fourth.

Your call has been for one.

Wow.

Wow.

No message, right?

At the tone, please record your message.

Yeah.

We're leaving a voice memo is gay.

I think, and I respect Tom for that.

I respect Tom for saying, you know what?

I know what you guys are doing.

He was like, listen, we paid you to fucking fill in.

Yeah.

I'm not going to fucking.

He's going to dock our pay five minutes if he talks five minutes.

Yeah.

Be like, hey, listen, this is five minutes.

You didn't have to do your job.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I love.

Yeah.

So Tom, just being the professional that he is, said, guys,

don't call me.

Don't call me.

Okay.

Like, it's okay.

What are we doing?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, well, you know, I mean, here's the thing.

Here's the thing:

we could come back as the Fall Bears, but it would just be.

It won't be the Autumn Bears, no.

You don't think so?

What about the Winter Bears?

Winter Bears.

Or should we just look forward to this where we are the Summer Bears?

I don't mind being the Summer Bears.

I'll come back in the summer.

Listen, if they, in a pinch, if they need us to

fill in for an episode or two, that could be fun.

But we need a break.

Congrats!

Congrats on the last episode.

What is this?

What is this, baby?

You guys earned it.

Whoa!

San Francisco Chronicles.

We got chairs.

We got cocky clears.

Look at those.

One for you, one for your ass, and one for your mouth.

That's it, baby.

Get in here.

Hey, buddy.

We're doing the last.

This is the last 10 minutes of the last Summer Bears ever.

Whoa!

We got Bark and Sam.

Came on.

Hey.

Woo.

That's it.

Dude, well,

now that I have black cocktails in my face,

we'll be like Lisa Lampinelli.

Yeah, we'll just fucking vamp for five minutes, then we'll spend the last five minutes eating Eclairs.

Sit in there, sit down.

Or did you guys just finish with Harland?

I got Neurovirus in Mark's stupid barbecue.

I really love it.

How long were you puking for it?

Everybody's sick.

What was it?

I think it was a neurovirus.

It's like a bug thing.

When did you guys know?

What was the last puker shit you guys took?

I never got it.

You never got it?

This is bullshit.

He's always skating around.

I never got it.

No, I.

When's the last puke?

I was puking, shitting, and stomach cramps at the same time on Sunday night.

Hold on, because

you accused a hand roll restaurant of giving you food poisoning.

I pulled a bitch move.

And I love that place, and it broke my heart.

We ate there together.

We've been there together.

No, we went to Nami Nori.

Oh, we went to a different place.

I would never turn on Nami Nori.

Okay, good, good.

I turned on Kazu Nori.

Oh, Kazu Nori.

I turned on Nori Davis.

No one will get that joke.

Yeah, and not true, even.

Nori Davis, activate.

Do you think you will just be in a nursing home just doing word association?

You won't remember your child's name.

You won't remember his face.

You'll be like,

he just keeps doing his Letterman sack.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So time for your pills, sir.

I'll tell you who is a pill.

Show lists.

Yeah.

What?

Lists.

Naughty lists.

Where'd you get these?

We went around looking for

them for cock in the village.

That's beautiful.

We should actually eat that.

We do need to eat that.

I would eat one.

If we take one?

Let's take five more minutes.

We'll do our contractual hour.

Right.

And then we'll get the fucking.

We see how much we give a fuck about this show.

We just have a countdown the second.

And the second it hits one hour, we're like, all right.

Yeah.

Cut the checks, Burt and Tom.

This is what their fans want.

They just want to listen to an hour of just us

and shitting on the show.

That's weird.

This is what podcasting's become.

This is like Brendan Shob's Reddit.

Yeah.

We have run this thing into the ground, man.

Tracy Morgan back in the day would do 45 on the dot.

Respond.

He was like, I'm getting the paycheck.

I'm obligated to do 45.

And sometimes mid-joke, he'd see the light.

It would come on at 45.

And he'd go, and then, oh, thank you very much, much, Mark.

Mid-Joke.

Oh, man.

Respect.

Respect.

It's not an art form.

That's the thing to remember.

This is not art.

You know, and we've deluded ourselves into thinking that.

So, do you guys have any, you know, do you see yourselves going down the burnt?

Do you guys like very thinly veiled?

Will you do a podcast while you clearly hate each other still?

Or what do you think?

Well, we better not because we got a pod, a movie, and a whiskey.

So we're

now, Mark's easy to get along with.

I love that.

I love it.

He can't do confrontation, so we'll never fight.

He'll just silently resent me if he hates me.

And I'll never know.

But that's how it'll happen.

But I'll drink it away.

Yeah, actually, maybe you guys are on the two bears path.

That's it.

We've never fought.

Have you guys missed an episode of We Might Be Drunk and whatever since it started?

Every week there's been one.

We nail it.

Every week.

You have 52 in a row.

Yeah.

For the last, whatever it is.

I went to Australia.

We're going on.

He goes to Europe.

We bank them.

It's amazing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

See, that's good.

I don't have.

You guys are consistent?

No, I mean,

I'm starting to let them fall by the wayside now.

You're talking about your kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got like nine pods.

Yeah, well, they're starting.

We got this one.

I'm doing the history I need is, and then everything else is starting to fall apart.

That's not Chris.

I'm dreading the phone call of him being like, we got to start a pod together.

After the summer band stuff, I was like, Chris,

let's nip it in the bud right now.

We're not doing another podcast.

I'd love to do your podcast.

You can come on mine.

I mean, but you guys are still going strong with the pod.

You still think that's the way?

Just keep it going.

Something to do.

Something to do.

Well, what about you?

Now that you got a kid, you want to do it more.

Like, as the kid gets older, I'm going to be interested to see going on the road and doing all this stuff.

If you're going to be like, man, do I do it less?

Do I do it more?

So I'm talking to a guy.

I don't do anything.

I don't want to do any little thing.

You know, my wife's like, what about this wedding?

I'm like, why would I go to the wedding?

I don't even want to do a pod.

So, like, yeah, every little smallest shit you can do, you do it.

Right.

Maybe Mark will turn into a recluse.

I could see that for you.

Oh, I would love to be a recluse.

You got the nice house.

You could be, you got

a study.

I would love to be a recluse.

You have your study where you yell at your kid if he fucking goes in.

Yeah.

Like, I'm studying my, you know, my, but instead of like books, you're just watching old fucking comedy.

It's like you're a recluse, but you don't have any knowledge.

It's not like a library.

You can't teach him anything.

You're like, here's the rule of three, son.

Yeah.

And that's pretty much all I got.

Yes, and

we really have nothing to give the next generation.

He's not going to know what to read, but he knows who Mort Saul is.

What?

I was thinking about that too.

It's like, there used to be like younger women would fuck like professors or like titans of industry and they would learn things.

And it's like, now it's like, if you fuck me, I'm like, yeah, um, George Clooney was Batman once.

And like a 24-year-old's, really?

I'm like, yeah, he had nipples on his suit.

Like,

that's the fucking wisdom I have to give people.

We used to rent it at Blockbuster.

Blockbuster?

Let me sit you down real quick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was.

He used to get movies.

It was glorious.

Is 24 your lowest you'd go?

I think so, yeah.

Age was?

Yeah, I think that's a good cutoff.

24.

But they say now, the newest studies, 27, they think now is when the brain fully forms into the adult.

I'll bump it up to 25.

Yeah, yeah.

That'll be good to know.

Yeah.

I know.

27.

Well, when I saw the news, I was shocked.

When I saw that 27, I was like, 27?

Come on.

27.

What about like a young female CEO?

Right.

How does that work?

This is awesome.

Just like inventing a woman to allow yourself to fuck younger people in theory.

Good point.

I'm just saying.

If you can't fuck a 23-year-old, then a 23-year-old shouldn't be a CEO.

Only a young female CEO, right?

I don't know any CEOs.

Even what it means?

What are you saying?

She's big drugs.

She's Limb.

She's Lim.

She's a motherfucker refugee.

She's 21, but she grew up in Ukraine.

Yes, that's a good idea.

She's killing 35 to an American girl.

That makes her 38, right?

She's like dog years.

Exactly.

War years.

She didn't see any of the war, but she left, so she's still affected.

Right, right.

Yes.

Yes.

See what he's doing.

100%, dude.

Yes.

Yeah.

She grew up like near, she was in Ukraine.

This is good.

This is our goal was to tank.

Minimize these dimensions.

Being like, you should be able to fuck young refugees.

Yeah, but

this is the part of the podcast that these fans love.

This goes viral now.

Yeah, yeah, that is true.

We're on CSV.

And you know what's really going to go viral?

The last minute of us silently eating big dick eclairs.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't we come up with the virus?

Which one do you do?

The The one with more jizz or more veins?

I want mine.

I want the veins.

Oh, look at that little candle cock.

This is like New Year's.

This is great, man.

The ground down and everything.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you castrated.

Look at that.

That is a good win.

I'm not going to eat the balls.

You know what?

I'll eat the balls.

That's it.

The two bears, one cave.

Should we dock it?

Yeah, let's die.

Let's do it.

Oh, come on, Mark.

I'm thinking about it.

I feel like Joe DeRosa.

I could eat this whole thing.

This is good.

What if it was just 10 more minutes of it?

Well, it was becoming bird.

People hate when you eat into a mic.

We really have finished.

That was me and Chris's goal: to tank the pod.

I feel like the last minute being our friends just coming in and us catching up.

You're not even on camera.

This is meant for two people.

We're like those billionaires in the submarine.

Oh, my God.

Food boob.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Pretty.

It's fucking awesome.

We got to eat more chocolate cock.

Yeah, that's great.

Thanks for having me on Come Town.

That's an hour by.

Chris and Stallby, Stall and Chris.

Neither grows a beard, and they both wear shirts.

Stallby's a Greek, and Chris is a gay.

And some may say the show is better this way.

Here's what we call

two bears, one cave.