Is White-Face Cool Again? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

We apologize, but we are back.

Yes, we've reached out to Stavi and Chris and other people, and we'll see what their avails are.

But for this week, it's us.

We're so sorry, guys.

We're so sorry.

I feel so bad that you guys have to listen to us.

I do too.

And you don't have to.

I actually worked a little hard this week because I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I was like, well, there's a lot going on.

But I was like, I'm going to bring in good talking points.

Good talking points, good energy.

Good energy.

We're starting with Blackface.

Okay.

Or not Blackface, Whiteface, Druski.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We can talk about Druski.

We can talk about Would You Die for Your Country?

Great conversation points right there.

Us being OnlyFans pimps, great idea.

Great idea.

That's good.

That's a good idea.

We're going to talk about Florida State and

how Leanne and I got into a huge fight moving Isla into college.

This past, like over the weekend?

Over the weekend.

Oh, that'd be, I'm very excited.

I will say this.

I got to tell you, there's certain like formats, mediums that people are just fucking so good in.

Dude, Drewski doing these sketches that he's been doing for a long time now.

He's so goddamn good at them.

He is the future.

Right now, if you're sitting on your couch going, I want to get into comedy, don't ask me and Tom.

We're dinosaurs, which I'm not even sure we're real, but we're dinosaurs.

Ask Drewski.

Yeah,

that guy is like,

I mean, I remember watching his TSA.

If you've ever, if you ever checked out his shit, the way that he just throws himself into these things.

And I remember asking him, I was like, he was a, he did like a TSA.

He did the podcast.

Wait, we're oh, for real?

yeah yeah yeah so was he good he was great yeah dude he's he's super engaging super funny uh really smart guy but he was he did the tsa one where he was like why is it why are tsa like or like do you know the like the wheelchair people at atlanta airport dude he actually just went to the airport yes threw on an outfit and then was wheelchairing people who thought they could hire him but like all while staying in character he just nails this character shit and the world of it so well.

And this latest one where he's at a NASCAR event, dude, he's, it's, he's so funny.

That guy's phenomenal.

So, wait, okay.

So, first and foremost,

I got to be honest with you, the star of that is not Druski.

Yeah.

The star of that is the person who did his hair and makeup.

Well, yeah, that it was that was fucking phenomenal.

That was so good.

A sunburn, a wife beater sunburn on a black guy is chef's kiss.

It was so good.

Have you seen his like roll-tide ones where he would go to the only, like he would go to Bama games and he would befriend like these

hardcore Bama fans and especially this one guy that you know I'm talking about?

No.

Have you seen him do, do, do his.

I'm kind of late to Druski, to be honest with you.

This, this right here, okay, when he was this guy,

he made he made a friend who didn't understand.

That guy didn't think he was black.

Are you serious?

And he's not even in, he was just like, yeah, this dude's the best.

And then

this guy

thought that Druski was just tan.

And was like openly like, yeah, fucking blacks.

He had no idea.

He had no idea.

It's unbelievable.

Were you waiting?

Were you waiting for Druski to drop an N-bomb?

Yeah, of course.

I think he does.

No, he doesn't.

He doesn't.

I think he does.

Oh, no, not in that.

I'm saying in the Roll Tide one.

No, no, no.

In the NASCAR one.

Oh.

The NASCAR one, I mean,

it really honestly had me sit up out of bed and think,

like, think globally about it.

He does something way worse than saying the N-word.

He spits on a black guy and says, boy, are you lost?

What?

To a black guy, and it was that was like that.

Was crazy.

That's, I think, that's,

I mean, this is just great

role, character role-playing.

He's calling people Mima.

He's got them sitting on the lap smoking cigarettes.

No, he's nailing it, dude.

He murdered it.

Look at this

when she smokes out of his lap.

You need to listen to your nana.

Go ahead, baby.

Six time.

Yeah, he first for sure just met this woman.

Yes, like

he could bang her.

I would love if that was the next video.

Hey, me, Ma.

How you doing, baby?

All right, man.

This is where it comes up.

He knows exactly how to gas these people up, dude.

Yeah.

He ain't lost, is you?

No, I'm good.

I'm going to the right, sir.

Sure about that?

Yes, sir.

Horrible.

Find something safe to do, boy.

Just scare the shit out of a black guy as a black guy.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Look at that fucking hair, bro.

He looks like a white guy.

Yeah, I thought they did a great job, bro.

They did a great job.

Bring on truth, baby.

Oh, that fucker will go.

Dan Armin.

All right, this is a, we can't just watch.

Okay, so wait, so wait, so here's the question, Tom okay

here's the question he is ultimately he went undercover he went full Don Nebrasco yeah how long could you go in total blackface and get away with it

that's a good question man like I think part of it was like how loud of a character are you you know what I mean well yeah you could be like a fly-on-the-wall black guy but like that's what you go to the bottom of the important

I mean but are you gonna be are you gonna be the life of the room the way he is here?

Because he could stay in that for a week and nobody would know.

No one would know.

No one would know.

You think you could do that in a black makeup and in a black room and be loud, like be attention-seeking?

If I was in a room full of Asians that didn't speak their native tongue, I could do it in yellowface.

Yeah.

You think so?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm good with chopsticks, and I think I'd fit in pretty good.

Like, I know enough.

This is an Asian room.

Asian room, but they have to, they don't know that, they don't know how to speak their native tongue, right?

So, they only speak English, right?

Right.

And then you would pretend to speak Mandarin or something?

No, no, no, no, no.

I would just go in and fit in as an Asian American.

I couldn't.

So, you just

speak the way you speak face.

I speak the way I speak, yeah.

There's no difference.

And then I think with top-tier makeup, you could pull it off.

Top-tier makeup, I could pull off Asian face.

I could not pull off brown face, like Mexican face.

And black face?

In a small group,

I could.

With other black, like there's other black dudes who are like,

I gotta pick the group.

I can't just do it with like,

like, I bet I could do it if it was, like, Chappelle, Donnell, Earthquake,

and like, and I was really?

Yeah, I think I could.

Okay.

Because I know them well enough to know what subjects to steer from, you know?

Yeah.

Like,

would you justify heavy N-bomb usage just to like, you have to, you can't be a black guy and not use the N-word.

It's the best word they say.

And then at the end, they'd be like, hey, you know, you said, you'd be like, ah, I'm being one of y'all.

I can't.

The word I'd get excited to use the most would be word.

Just word, yeah.

You're like, say something to me, say something to me like,

hey, man, I like what you're wearing.

Yeah, I really, I really dig what you're wearing, man.

Word.

See?

Close your eyes.

That's what that felt.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Do it again.

Okay, man.

It's been hot as shit out here, hasn't it?

Word.

Here,

do it back to me.

See if you can do it, okay?

Okay.

Did you see the ass on that bitch?

A word.

Yeah, you do it better.

You do it better, Black Voice.

But then there's people who like,

that are just, like, you know who I'm talking about.

That guy, the comic that did the, that does the God, I always, fuck, his name's Josh, that does the Morgan Freeman.

Oh, yeah.

That dude?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bro.

Oh, my God.

He's

fully fucking like a chameleon.

I mean, like, okay, why?

We can do that experiment and just

live in it.

There's a guy.

There's a guy that we had on Something's Burning.

Pull up that name for me.

Oh, I got one way better, Tom.

I got one way better.

Josh Robert Thompson.

That's his name.

But he can only do Morgan Freeman.

You need...

No.

Like, you can't have him sit down with.

No, he can do more.

Oh, for real?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We've traded voices.

Really?

Yeah, he's a 10 out of 10, dude.

It's incredible.

So why?

Here's what I don't understand.

What type of human is offended by the Druski thing?

Because they're trying to cancel him.

But like, is it...

What?

So, like, the alt-right loves Druski.

Like, the alt-right, I think Druski is like a Trump supporter.

So, like, the alt-right, I think so.

I mean, Druski, the man, the guy, the real.

There's a lot of There's a lot of black dudes that are Trump supporters.

Is he an outspoken?

You're just going to label him as that without knowing?

I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

I don't know.

Is there an exercise?

Anyone that's good on the internet really likes Trump, I think.

Really?

Does Druski vote?

Did Druski support Trump?

Okay, let's look it up.

I mean, it looks like a Trump supporter in this video.

Well, yeah.

I mean, that character does.

Word.

A word.

So, so,

but I like he's, you know, it's, he's in that universe.

I mean, that universe is, by the way, the most brilliant universe that ever existed in the entire world.

The group that is Kai Sanat and Druski and Aiden Ross and Jack Doherty and all these streamers who are.

Are you calling them the most brilliant people in the history of the world?

Do they make?

How much does Kai Sanat make?

How much does Kai Senat make?

I don't care what they make.

I don't say like.

Buddy, can you, what a cheap code.

The guys

who figured out how to make

make $160 million a year.

What?

Dude, he makes more money than like they're making crazy money.

Yeah, no, that's awesome.

I just don't, I don't think they're geniuses.

I just think they're, you know, found right time, right place.

Yeah, I mean, like, kudos to them.

I, I'm happy for them that they're doing that well and they found their audience.

Got 43 million fucking followers.

That's great.

But I mean, I like, when you look at that, like,

they have single-handedly recreated entertainment.

I mean, it's a new, yeah, it's a whole new format.

It's why, it's why that fucking, you know, people don't want to watch, hey, can we sing a song in my car?

Like as a, as a bit, because they just go, like, that's, that's less entertaining than what these guys can do, for sure.

I mean, and Druski's good friends with Kai Sonat, I think.

Yeah, those guys all kind of and they're funny as shit.

Like when they do their live streams.

Now, listen, I'm not going to watch the whole four-hour live stream or whatever, but their clips are fucking hysterical.

Yeah, they definitely tapped into something.

It's awesome.

Probably inspired a bunch of people to try it, too.

Oh, no, inspired.

And I say ruin our military.

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This ruined our military?

Yeah, think about it.

Think about it.

Think about it.

I'm thinking

every

child out there,

they want to be a streamer.

They want to be a gamer.

They want to be a streamer they want to be a youtuber they want to have an instagram they want to so and no one has no one has the thing where you look up to an american hero where you're like hey man i want to join the military like our military our military uh enlistment is down so drastically from like just 1980 it's so minuscule how many people enlist in the military or sign up for the military it's crazy And when you look at it, it's like, it's like the internet's changed everything.

No one does, this is why I said, this is why I oppose this to you, okay?

And we'll go back to Druski in a second.

Would you die for our country?

Answer honestly.

Would I die for our country?

Yeah.

Right now?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't, don't start.

Would you die for our country?

I mean, you're taking a long time.

No, because I'm trying to think, I'm trying to answer you like in a thoughtful way.

I go like, I'm thinking in terms of the fact that

there's a

a need to defend this country that falls all the way down to a middle-aged dad.

You know what I mean?

That's what I'm trying to think.

So

let me frame it in an easier way for you to think about it.

Never once have we ever had to defend our land.

So no one who's ever died for our country was defending our land other than the guys in the plane in United Ninety or whatever that stormed the cockpit.

That's different.

I'm talking about, I'm watching these World War II docks in color.

Yeah, they're amazing.

And you're seeing the demo on the Iwo Jima where they felt like they were fighting the island, and you got a dude who's, I guess, 32 at the time, maybe 28, telling a 20-year-old, get in that hole and see if there are any Asians in it.

And the dude doesn't have a right to say no, because it's a military.

And so he just gets in the hole and he dies.

Would you do that for our country?

I think think if I was called upon to do it, I would do it.

Okay, ask me the question.

Would you die for it?

Nope.

No, I'm being honest.

I'm being dead honest.

Like there's, and I mean that as an as a compliment to everyone in the military, is that I don't have the thing they got.

I'm not trying to say that I'm a hero.

What I was trying to say is that I have...

done nothing but benefit from

all the privileges provided by being an American citizen

and and and and never having been asked to do anything like that.

And if it were like, if this

country that we know and the life that we know were threatened and they go, we need you, I think I would go ahead and just do it.

But I also probably honestly, I think I kind of just romanticize that idealized version of myself because my dad was a Marine.

And so I go like, oh, I'd want to do because my dad would want me to do that i'd want to do like and that like if you right now today were like here's the thing go i'd probably be like can i go home for a minute how do i get out of this your dad your dad said at a very signed at a very draft

just signed up yeah said i will i will i will die for this country i don't have my kid yet

i'm not doing it for any noble reason i don't i'm not defending anybody i'm doing it because it's the right thing to do and those everyone who signs up generation yeah even kyle who doesn't know how to use the word et cetera, Kyle, my assistant,

he signed up for the military.

And we were in the car after watching a bunch of these docs.

And I said, would you die for this country?

And without a fucking blink in his eye, he went, Yeah, absolutely.

That's what I obviously say.

I signed up for it.

Yeah.

You signed up for it.

Yeah.

I would never,

unless I could get credit, which is where this Kai Sanat and Druski shows up, right?

Yeah.

Pete, I think today we have a culture, myself included, myself included, who would only do something selfless if they got credit for it.

That is not a shock.

About me or everyone else.

About you.

You've been very open about how much you want recognition for things like gestures and whatnot.

But I think that's indicative of

our culture, our culture worldwide right now.

Like if I, like, if I said to your dad, right?

If I said to your dad, hey, do you know anybody

paddling across the Atlantic right now?

Your dad would have said, no.

So who fucking would ever do that?

But if I said to Zolo, Zolo, can you find me someone paddling across the Atlantic right now?

He'll find five people live streaming them paddling across the Atlantic.

Right.

For no reason at all.

No, there's they just want the glory.

They just want the fame.

They just want.

And by the way,

very likely that you'll die.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, very likely.

It's more likely to die than that.

How many people are paddling across the fucking Atlantic right now?

Look at this.

Look at this.

There's so many people rowing across the fucking Atlantic, you know?

And you're like, and so you're like, okay, so that glory they're looking for, your dad said, I don't know what that is yet, but I'm willing to give my life for this country so that when I come home, I don't know.

That's where I'm like lost in this whole fucking,

you know, like the the children these days just don't.

Yeah.

It's, and by the way, I am guilty of it too.

And I grew up respecting our military.

Like I didn't enlist.

When I was, I was there for the Iraq war.

I was there for 9-11.

We also have it much easier, dude.

Way easier.

We just had, this is an easier, if you're a citizen of this country.

from birth for the last 20, 30, 40 plus years, you're like, yeah, your life has been, it's pretty easy.

I don't mean that like everyone's circumstances are easy.

I'm just saying that like we don't feel the threat of invasion.

Like, you know, all those things feel very always distant to us.

We haven't, we have it cush here for sure.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Isn't it crazy just how much more cush your life was than your dad's?

Like just that.

Yeah, for sure, man.

And then definitely.

And then go back, let's go back 200 years.

Oh, my God.

It almost doesn't seem fair that we got like adirondack chairs and cigars and they had to like

shit in the streets

yeah

yeah no it's a total it's our life is so it's so nice it's really good so nice yeah if you imagine being in alive in 1825

the house isla's living in if you were born then you would definitely have been in the Civil War, which would suck so much.

Yeah, that would have sucked so bad.

Can you imagine fighting in the Civil War when you like, you got ostracized if you didn't?

And also, and a thousand percent, you would have been a Confederate.

Yeah, I would have, so would you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was a northerner, man.

No, you would have come down, and by the time you were fighting age, we would have been both fighting for the team that lost.

I don't know.

I think I would have stayed in the north.

I think I would have been like, I don't support what's going on down there.

I would have been like, listen, this isn't about slavery.

This is about cotton.

Fucking bayonet them.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You would be like, yeah, we need our cotton.

First of all, I would have taken all my slaves and I would have dressed them up like Druski and I would have taken them to the fucking battle.

Free you guys.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd have been like, come on, man, let's go, guys.

And they're like,

sure thing, Bert.

How did they talk?

Sure, no, because

I'd white-faced them.

Oh, right, right.

So they would be like, sure thing, boss.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd be like, don't call me that.

I'm Bert.

We're the same.

We're people.

Guys.

Wait.

Oh, there's a premise I have in my head that I should just save for stage.

No,

I think Drewski should do other root cultures, too.

No, whites is easy.

It's punching up.

It's like, you know, the phrase, don't hate the player, hate the game.

Right.

Well, if the player creates a game, you can hate the player and the game.

Okay.

Okay.

Where are we going with this?

So do you remember like, do you remember like going to like your rich kid's friend's house as a kid?

And you're like, hey, we play a game in the pool.

It's called a nukemball.

And you're like, okay, how do you play?

And he's like, okay, ball can't touch the water.

If you get the ball touches water, we have to throw it at your ass.

And you're like, okay, cool.

And then his ball hit the water.

You're like, turn around.

He goes, no, no, no, no.

You get three drives.

And you're like, wait, you just changed the game.

He's like, yeah, that's rich.

That's white people.

We just changed.

We created the game, then we keep changing it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it's, it's, it's hard.

It's hard to, I mean, it's like, it's hard for anyone to get mad when you make fun of white people because it's like, you got to know, yeah.

That's what Druski's real challenge should be to really upset white people.

Take it up a notch.

Take it up a notch and really, like, that would be art.

That's art.

Yeah.

Well, he's, he's great at this, man.

I'm, I'm super, I think he's so fucking funny.

By the way, huge congrats to Cam Patterson.

Oh, just got SNL.

So in Austin, he's obviously on stage a lot.

And,

you know, he does Kill Tony.

And he's so fucking funny.

And

he just got named one of the new cast members of SNL.

So that's really cool, man.

That is one black person.

who will never be able to do blackface or whiteface.

Oh, he's oh, because he's he's so black?

We played Wordle together one time.

Yeah.

I've never, I've never laughed harder.

And, you know, his, his, I got a very thick accent.

Yeah.

He's like, what the fuck is this?

And I was like, it's Wordle.

And he's like, huh?

Okay, you got to guess a letter, I guess a word that's five letters.

And ultimately, you got to figure out what the word is.

He's like, okay.

And so his first guess was three.

And I was like, that's not a great guess because you have used E twice.

He goes, why?

And I was like, because

you want to try to use the diversity?

He goes, I couldn't think of any five-letter words.

His next guess was these.

And I was like, Cam, you, so none of those letters showed up.

So you're using four of those, you're only changing out one letter.

So it's not like you're, he's like, yeah, I'm having a hard time guessing five-letter words.

It was the hardest.

We've laughed.

And then then the next word was the N-word, I think.

Oh, my God.

And I was like, are you using a sentence?

These three, what?

He is, he is authentic.

That guy is fucking.

And his dad is the sweetest guy in the world.

Really?

Yeah, I took him on tour with me for a little bit, and his dad came out with us.

His scam was like, yo, is it cool?

My dad comes.

I was like, fuck yeah.

His dad's my age.

We both have high blood pressure issues.

We're both checking our sugars.

I hung out with his dad the whole time and we ate healthy.

That's great, man.

Well,

he's going to make me tune in.

I really want to watch.

Yes.

Cam is that.

He's just a naturally funny dude.

I'm super excited for him, man.

Do you know who he reminds me of that's on the show?

Who?

Who's very funny but authentic voice is Marcelo?

Is that his name?

Marcelo.

Marcelo is the Latin kid?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's very funny.

He's fucking hysterical.

Marcelo Hernandez.

Yeah.

He's great.

He's great, too.

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I think they got a lot of talent on this show right now.

Yeah,

that's really cool.

Where did he play junior college?

Where did he play junior college at?

John Carroll?

Athletics.

yeah

what'd he play let me get a soccer

did he

yep do you think you can do brown face tom yeah of course like if like if they put you in like cholo gear yeah a thousand percent you think you could hang out with the fools

i mean that's this very specific like that's a real specific lane so I would have to do like

a little more research research.

But if you were just like be a Latino guy and have your skin darkened and all this stuff, yeah, 100% I could do that.

I couldn't do that.

I could fool everybody doing that.

I bet I could do it.

I wonder if I could do Irish.

It's a safe one.

But that it's safe, but you would, it would be hilarious.

That's why you should do it because people will be like, What is up with this dude's accent?

If they made you totally ginger, yeah, that would be great.

I say we do that.

I'd go full ginger, red hair.

Give us a little taste of the irish accent

yeah

hey all right

it's good to see you

or

hey hang on top of the marnin already already i gotta talk about dice hey i gotta cut it

you know what maybe you could do it that if you're just like the village drunk who mumbles yeah i will i'll tell you what

let's put a bet How, okay, let's do a bet.

Okay.

Do you have any European tour dates coming up?

No, I already did Europe and my tour is about to end.

I think I have Europe coming up

in the next year.

I'm not going to tour again.

Ever.

I know you're not.

You're not.

Well, not.

You're not going to tour ever again.

And I will bet money on that.

You're not going to tour ever again.

Ever again.

You will not.

I'll never do dates.

No, no, no.

You'll do sporadic dates at casinos here, big money grabs, but you're not going to do a tour.

My tour right now, permission to party world tour starts october 19th in rockford illinois october 1st at red rocks and i will do that for the rest of my life because i like that more than other things okay i don't like things yeah look at these tour days to lose minnesota eugene oregon morrison colorado salt lake city oh idaho falls napa nampa yamaka lincoln

just go to burtbertbert.com that's how you know you're not getting the shit tickets from the scalpers go to burtbertbert.com but i will tour for the rest of my life i'll tell you you, by the way, what?

I just was looking at dates.

You know, sometimes you're surprised or like expecting, like, yeah, I hope it's a good show.

And then you're just so fucking blown away by it.

Yeah.

The Moda Center in Portland.

Oh, yeah.

Last year when I did it, that's one of the most fun shows I've ever done.

Am I doing that?

Yeah.

Oh, you're doing October 12th.

Yeah.

I'm doing, I think I'm going Sear Time.

I'm going to have tour dates coming up in

January that I'll announce soon.

But I think I'm going to go back to theaters.

I'm doing them right now to prepare for the taping.

I believe you do, you should practice in the venue that you're taping in.

Well, I noticed that.

I noticed that it's such a pivot right now from like

for the last year and a half, we did arenas.

And then we went to theaters last week.

And I was like, oh, it is definitely a timing difference.

The flow of the show.

It is completely different.

So I'm happy that I'm doing it because the taping isn't one.

And I think you should always tee up if you're going to tape in the venue that you're doing that in.

Well, we signed up for this one, this fall tour of Permission Party.

And I just was, I wasn't even thinking.

I was like, yeah, let's do arenas again because I love them.

I do love arenas.

And I think there's something to be said for doing arenas and doing a Netflix special because all the energy is on the screen.

That's all people look at.

But I realized is I don't have as much ramp-up time as I did before.

So I have to get ready in half the time.

So I don't know.

Are you taping another?

I'm taping another one.

Yeah.

In

next year?

Yeah, in 2026, I think.

And so I have to.

It's too quick.

I know.

And so

I have to do double the shows.

So I was like, I can't do arenas.

Because if you do arenas, they go, all right, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Wednesday and Sunday are not packed because it's an arena.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Thursday is maybe, maybe it's good, and you never know.

Friday and Saturday are hot shows.

And I was like, yo, you can do theaters, do Wednesday, two shows, Thursday, two shows, Friday, two shows, Saturday, two shows, Sunday, two shows.

And then I can get double the reps in.

And I went through it.

And taking 15 months off was the greatest thing I ever did for my stand-up.

That's great.

I'm so much happier with you really off that long.

Yeah, 15 months.

Wow.

Yeah.

And then I'm happy to announce that I'll never tour again.

You'll never tour again.

I'm telling you right now,

you because you're killing it on such a different level in parts of the business that you are as well interested in.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, we'll see.

No, you're, no, I mean,

trust me when I say this as an outsider.

What did you get picked up?

Bad thoughts got picked up within a week of it premiering?

No, it was a few.

It was like a month.

Really?

A month.

Yeah, it was a month.

But you have bad thoughts.

You just did a movie.

I know you have other stuff lined up.

And I think that you're going to get caught up in that.

And

I think your mom's house is going to, I think it's going to get very big.

And you're going to have your production arm where you're just making movies and TV shows.

And then you'll have the podcast arm.

But I think, you know, I think, I don't know, I could get deep in this, but I think podcasting is

inundated.

I think there's a lot of people doing podcasts right now.

And it's something that you've done.

And

you've kind of gotten to the top of the mountain at, you know,

and

you've have now one of the biggest podcast companies out there.

I think you're, I think you're always going to be interested in the challenge.

And so that's why I really see you kind of veering away from stand-up.

I bet you'll do this next special.

You'll take a huge fucking break and then you'll sign up for one for like $20 million over at Hulu.

Okay,

cool.

Hey, man, from your mouth to God's ears.

Thanks.

We'll see how it goes.

Bro,

did we talk about no we haven't talked about on the podcast how

fun fsu was did we

oh my god there's something listen i've always told people there's people who kind of like

casually follow sports there's people who don't follow sports and then there's sports lovers

i will always say that there is no point of being a fan if you're not emotionally invested in a team.

Like you just have to be emotionally because, and here's what's important.

It's important that you suffer.

That's part of it.

You have to suffer if you're a fan.

When FSU, like I've been a football fan and I've been an FSU fan for since I was probably like eight or nine years old, right?

That's when I started to get into like football.

And you're, yeah, you're following it as a kid.

And the reason I was for sure drawn to this team as a kid was because they were dominant.

So it's like, as a kid, you're just like, you, they're winning, they're beating people.

You're like, that's my team.

It's like, you know, it's like being a fan of like Superman.

You're like, this is, this is who I like.

And so I, I got all that

fun of the late 80s through the 90s.

And I was like, this is how it'll always be.

And then into the 2000s, you know, I, I experienced like the first time heartbreak and like sadness and frustration.

And then it got even to the point where it was like, I would dissociate when they were bad.

Like I would actually stop watching college football.

Like I would only get it peripherally because that's how much it bothered me when they weren't doing well.

And then I got the resurgence of the Jimbo Fisher teams where you're like, this is what I signed up for.

And like the excitement.

And we went to that national championship game and I was over the moon.

And then I remember almost breaking a television in a hotel room when they lost the Oregon game

next year.

And they played terribly in this game.

I remember like Jameis fumbling and I was just losing my mind.

And that's part of it.

But one of the things that is so fun in sports, and I think particularly in college football, is being an underdog at home, especially to like kick off a season where they're bringing in the Goliath of college football.

And everybody's like, you're going to get your ass kicked today.

Everybody's like that.

And you're at home and there's 80,000 people.

And you're like, man, like the atmosphere.

And your part of you is like, yeah, I understand why they're saying that.

I mean, the team was

just deplorably bad last year.

And they were two in 10.

It was just like, what is this shit?

Right.

And I did dissociate in parts of the year.

I just couldn't.

I was like, this is unfucking believable.

This is happening.

But to to be in that atmosphere and have that energy, and then my friend does the pregame speech, which was just completely insane.

And we're there and we're on the field, we're with the coaches, we're like dapping up players and like, and then you to actually see, you're like, what's going to happen?

Cause like, Bama scored and you're like, oh, fuck, this could be, this could be bad.

But to see them bounce back and to have defensive stops and then to actually move the ball, be able to score.

And you could feel the momentum growing and just being around people who were just like, that's like just screwed.

There was those guys in the suite that were like, ain't no motherfucking tide rolling in this motherfucker.

Like, just yelling that shit.

And you could feel the energy just picking up and seeing them win that game.

It was so goddamn exciting.

I mean, it's why I love sports and it's why I love college football.

It was the best.

It was, it was one of the funnest.

It's, I said, I said to Leanne, if I, if I had to groundhog day one weekend, I'd do that weekend every day.

Oh, dude.

Yeah.

It was so great, top to bottom.

It was like, it was so nice.

I, you know, I don't know, everything was great.

That fucking speech, I couldn't have done it without you and Kirk because they gave me, I mean, just so we're all clear, like, they gave me a, a, a, a script of, you know, what, what direction it should go in.

And I was cool with that.

I think it was, it was very helpful, you know?

Yeah.

But then you and Kirk were like, just getting in my ear.

You're like, dude, fuck it.

Let emotion take over.

Just fucking go, just go wild.

That's the time to do it.

Yeah.

It was fantastic, man.

It was so great.

The pop when I said,

the pop when I said, because it's true, is I, you know, I didn't understand, I didn't know anything about, I didn't know anything about community or anything.

or like or like what it's like to have a team because we were we were bucks fans growing up and i liked florida state and i wanted to go to florida state but i and i followed it during deon but i wasn't like crazy about college football until i got to florida state And my dad said, Buddy, that let me tell you something.

You're about to experience something that's so precious.

Like, not a lot of places have this.

And you get to get to go to a college where college football is king.

And he's like, and Bobby Bowden's a coach.

And he goes, When you see them throw that spear, I was 18 years old.

I didn't even know what he was talking about.

I remember sitting in that end zone when there were wooden bleachers back.

This is 1991.

And they had just slowly renovated Doke Campbell.

They had just done like the

away sidelines, I think.

And

man,

when that spear went into that, that

seminal head, I started crying and I didn't know why.

I wasn't like I am today where I cry nonstop for nothing.

Like I cried for real.

I was an 18-year-old kid, a pledge around a bunch of attorney brothers, and I had to hide it.

And I had not planned on saying that.

And when I said, when I cried, those tears came out garnet and gold.

The place just went, go.

And I went, oh, fuck.

70,000 people cheering was like crazy.

I know.

And now I've been on the field, on the field twice

when Osceola comes on and like they took us out.

They took us out to the seminal head.

It's insane.

Yeah, it was, it was so, it was, I mean, thank you to Michael Alford and everybody.

Michael and Laura, thank you so much.

Thank you to the president and his lovely wife.

It was awesome.

Thank you to Bar Nunn, William Floyd, to Danny Connell, to Warwick Dunn.

How dear in the headlights was Warwick Dunn when he saw me?

Yeah, he was just like, why is there a homeless guy here?

And then,

like, thank God, Danny Connell was like, no, it's okay.

Don't be scared.

He's allowed to be here.

He didn't sneak in.

He was terrified.

He was terrified.

What is going on?

Yeah.

And he had no recollection of sitting next to me at graduation.

Dude, I almost tripped out

when the coaches, the coaches ran on and they were like dapping us up one by one, like all the

staff basically.

I didn't realize that Ernie Sims was there.

Like he's one of the, he was in, I was just like, oh, fucking, yeah, I didn't know he was on the coaching staff.

I didn't know that fucking Peter Warwick was there.

We went up when he was, he was on the field.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, it was a who's who.

Yeah, it was, it was, it was lit that day, dude.

I was really sad when they had that one big touchdown score.

It was a tied game, and then we pulled ahead.

I was in the middle of changing shirts.

And

do you know what I have to do as a next tour?

I got to fucking, because I love college football and the atmosphere so much.

I need to just do a tour where I go and I do a show Friday in towns and have Saturday off and just go and just do like, you know, Ole Miss, LSU, Ohio State, Notre Dame,

like just do all the big schools and go to gay.

I think I would have an absolute blast doing that.

Well, put me on that tour because that would be fun.

We could put a group of guys.

We could put a group of guys on that tour that like college football.

Me, you, Gillis, and we just do Friday night.

I'll go see the game Saturday.

Yeah.

All right.

What, what, okay, top,

so 10 places to go watch a game that you've never watched a game.

I've never watched a game anywhere, so I have like.

Well, yeah, that'd be, I mean, so I would love to see a game.

I would love to see a game in the big house in Michigan.

Yes.

I would love to see a game at Ohio State,

horseshoe.

I would love to see a game at Notre Dame.

Yes.

Never seen a game there.

I would love to see a game at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg because that atmosphere is fucking legendary and bananas.

I would love to see a Texas A ⁇ M game, which is like, it's very doable.

It's not that far.

It's just that like, you have to have an open Saturday.

You know, we're always working on Saturdays, especially like in the fall, I almost never have Saturdays off.

So that would be one.

I would love to go to a game in Gainesville.

I would love to go to the swamp.

I've been to the swamp.

The swamp's pretty fucking intense.

I bet that would be fun.

LSU.

LSU.

At night, Clemson.

I want to go to Pennsylvania.

That would be one.

That would be a whiteout game.

A whiteout game.

That would be incredible.

That would be fucking incredible.

I did go.

I saw a game a couple of years ago.

I went to a Wisconsin game.

It was Ohio State at Wisconsin, Camp Randall, which was fucking awesome.

That was an incredible atmosphere.

Yeah, I'm trying to think.

I've been to Clemson and I'll never go back to that fucking stadium.

Really?

The hottest place I've ever been in my entire life.

I have never, and I grew up in Florida.

That was the hottest experience of my fucking life.

I was pouring waters over my head.

I felt like I was in a sauna.

Yeah, that's rough.

I used to go to Orange Bowl games all the time, like Miami games, because we were closer to it.

But I've never been to where they play now.

Oh, I want to go to, I want to go to Ole Miss.

Oh, dude, Ole Miss or Tennessee.

I've been to Ole Miss games, and I've never been to Tennessee.

You know where I also would love to see a game?

Fucking Eugene.

Oh, Oregon.

I've been to a few of those games.

That seems like a lot of fun.

Buddy,

you know what?

The stadium's not that big.

Google how big their stadium is.

Yeah, it's like 55.

55, it's not that big of a stadium, but there's a moment where, because, you know, that's where Animal House was filmed.

54,000.

54,000.

That's where Animal House was filmed.

And so one of the songs they sing, and it is

the most musical place you've ever watched a game.

But one of the songs they sing is a little bit louder now.

But when they go a little bit softer now, the whole stadium is in a whisper.

You could hear a dime drop and then it changes a little bit louder now.

It is, that place is fucking incredible.

If I had it open, I would go next, I would go Saturday to watch a game there.

That's how appealing that is to me.

It's, it's, that's one of the most, and that team is fucking great.

It's like, it's showtime.

It's always showtime there.

They're always fucking lighting it up.

It's fun to watch.

God.

All right.

Let's let's try to plan.

We had tried to do that a little bit this year, but your schedule was crazy.

My schedule was crazy, and we couldn't do it.

We also, we should point something out.

So we have

our bets coming up, right?

Yes.

So while I'm in Ohio and you're in Illinois, we're both going to bet the spread on our teams up until October 19th because that's as far as DraftKings will let us go.

Okay.

And then we'll see where things are after that.

And then we'll take our,

you know, whatever, hopefully our winnings and be able to decide what we're going to do.

And then we'll have to have contestants.

participate like after that yes on whether you know how much they love you or how much they hate you By the way, you don't need to DM me and say, Can you please get me in to be one of the people that hate you?

I hate you so much.

And then I'm like, Thanks, man.

He's like, You have no idea.

You have no idea.

The only reason I follow your channel is to just, it makes me crazy angry.

Awesome, man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

How are we going to?

Okay.

Can I, can I?

Okay, so that's our deal, right?

Yeah.

Okay, now can I pitch you our million-dollar idea?

Yeah.

You ready for this?

Yeah.

me and you

are gonna pimp an only fans page

we're gonna pimp so we're gonna be an only fans content creators pimps pimps or managers or producers whatever but pimps is a more accurate word what we're gonna do is we're gonna find someone a fan of ours who has no OnlyFan presence at all.

Like very little.

I'd say none.

I'd say none.

Well, none.

Well, that means like, do they have a channel?

You got to have someone that's.

I think it's better if

we take a virgin flower.

Someone who's like, I've not even thought of doing this.

And we're like, you should be already.

And we're all doing this.

And go and go, let's, because I mean, okay, we can take a porn star and just pimper out and just, I guess, more people will go see her.

No, I can take someone who's got like a low-key presence.

Find someone.

I think a low-key presence.

I think somebody who's already doing it.

Okay.

So that you're not like going like, you should sell your bot.

Like they should be already doing it.

Okay.

So we'll take a remote presence.

Okay.

And then we will simply manage their account.

Okay.

We will help them build a follow-up.

Promote the shit out of them.

Promote the shit out of them, but we take a very small cut.

Okay.

Now, my original pitch was to Rachel, who worked in my works in my office.

My original pitch, and it got shut down by every woman in here.

And I had into a fucking fight about how this is a content house, and this is fucking different than everything you fucking know.

I am so tired, Tom, of women talking to me like they're fucking, you know what?

Yeah, equals, I get it.

Do you know what?

Can I, okay, hang on.

What I said to Rachel was, and this was just, we're on a podcast.

We're going to have to edit it out because someone got uncomfortable.

By the way, they're listening to this downstairs and they're fucking getting uncomfortable again.

Someone got uncomfortable.

Not Rachel, not Rachel, not Rachel.

I said,

what's your price point for me to buy your OnlyFans?

Where,

If I said $100,000 a year and then we run an OnlyFans for you in the office, what's your buyout?

Like, what if it's $500,000 a year?

What if it's a million dollars a year?

And she was like, oh, a million dollars a year.

Yeah.

I go, you got to get naked.

She goes, no, that's fine.

A million dollars a year.

And then, you know, there's so many women in this house.

And they're like, HR violation.

And I was like, guys, we're creating content.

We're not being real right now.

She's not really starting a fucking OnlyFans page.

We're just creating content.

We're just, and so I was like, you know what?

Fuck this house.

Fuck Brittie Boy.

I'm taking it to your mom's house.

They're fucking outlaws.

So,

so I said, so what?

So the original concept was how much to buy out your OnlyFans.

Like, what if we gave you a price point?

So, you know, we'll give you $500,000 right now.

Okay.

But you work for us.

Right.

Okay.

And

I understand that we're kind of turning into porn producers, but,

but, like, what if we took someone,

promoted their OnlyFans

and kind of managed them?

Yeah, bring them on the pod.

Bring on the pod

and let the fans have fun with it.

One of the things you said to me a long time ago is

you said,

it's always funner when you guys are working on a joke together, you and the fans.

I don't do that enough.

I don't do that enough.

Yes, totally.

But it is fun.

Now, let me ask you this.

Do you have any opinion on the fact that

creators in that space, obviously, they cover a full spectrum of activities.

Do you care?

Does it matter to you how X-rated, like, can they just be like, I like to do nude poses or do they have to like actually have sex?

Like, do you, does that matter to you?

So, no.

So, what I would argue is, and I mean this,

I mean this with humility.

But I think my career speaks for itself.

I think the average person running an OnlyFans isn't looking at it as a white space.

They're looking at it as, I just got to send pictures of my tits or my feet.

I got to fart in a jar or whatever.

I think if you take two outside views and help a creator really create and be different and really think out of the box, we can help build them to a place where all of a sudden, you know, they're making crazy money on OnlyFans and everyone's like, dude, this is a fucking awesome OnlyFans.

It's not just nudity.

It's, it's, it's, it, it, it is.

It's the whole experience.

It's the whole experience.

It's something different than just showing tits.

Like, I mean, I do like the idea of like

somehow incorporating the audience

into this, like making it a

community thing as opposed to like you being like, I'm just your manager.

Yeah, we're taking, we're taking a look at their business model and we're restructuring it and saying, listen, lower our price point to get interactions with the fans.

So, you know, it's like, it's like you really enjoy that guy that shits in between pieces of bread and eats it, right?

So Martin.

Yeah, Martin.

But like, I think there's a way to create an OnlyFans account that's very fun, that's interactive, that's not just like, hey, I want to watch you fuck this dude.

Or I think there's a, but nudity can be, is involved, sexy nudity, fun nudity, like, like, uh, like,

like a daily down blouse you know like where it's like fun and it's not you know because there's certain things that I find sexy that like that I that I go

how come no one does that you know like you know what you know what I really love and I'll tell you and I can't find it online I can't find it the best videos are on Instagram where it's like a girl with great tits on a roller coaster and she passes out and her tits almost come out, but they don't.

And I just want the nipple to come out a little bit.

Do you remember the one in the race car where the girl's tits are jiggling?

Like, what if we helped her create the content where the tit came out?

Like, you know, like, yeah, to create the content that doesn't dick tease you, it sells it.

And then you post it online and you go for full video, go to OnlyFans.

So, yeah, that's my OnlyFans pitch to you.

I mean, I, you know, it's a fun idea, dude.

It's a fun idea.

I think it's a fun idea: it's like this could be somebody who's making like $140 a month, and you could essentially really change their

life with that.

And it works out.

That's the way I, you know, I think moving forward with this podcast, if we choose to do it next week,

I think our focus should be fan-centric in that, in that,

in that, like, we've always done good things for people.

You know, when we bought those two stupid houses in fucking Florida, but like, Bert, those weren't stupid houses.

That was Habitat for Humanity.

I know.

I just, I'm still angry that I got bullied into,

I just, I'm still angry that I folded.

What do you mean?

I don't know really helps somebody with that.

Yeah, have you seen the house?

I don't even know if the houses are real.

I have not seen it.

Yeah, they're AI generated, I think.

Really?

Can't tell.

I thought I saw today on porn I saw a girl stick her foot in a girl's ass and I was like, this is AI.

God damn it.

You're sure?

Oh, I'm almost 100% certain.

Yeah.

Toes or just like the whole...

This is her ankle, Tom.

Inner ass?

Inner ass.

And I was like, this is...

Link?

Yeah.

Is this link?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd like to review.

I bet I can.

Hold on.

I bet it's.

I bet if I just go backwards a couple pages,

it comes up.

You ready?

Oh, my God.

I think we found multiple versions.

Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

Hang on.

That was a good one.

Fuck, man.

Oh, which one is it?

Is it one of those?

No, but apparently it happens a lot.

I mean, it looks like it's happening quite a bit.

That is

nuts.

It's like, look, I think we're more creative than this.

Yeah.

This probably isn't good for my brain.

So I want you to settle a fight I had with Leanne.

Yeah, please tell me.

Okay.

Now,

I understand how you're going to hear this because you know me.

Okay.

I have a tendency to

make my life mythical.

And I have a tendency to talk in hyperbole.

But always remember, it is fact-based first.

Okay.

As fun and wild as it gets, it starts in truth.

Okay.

So you're taking your youngest to college.

Yeah, we're

moving her into a house in college.

Okay.

And

Leanne and Isla go to world market and they buy a armoire.

Beautiful armoire.

I didn't see the armoire until it got to the truck.

And when I lifted it to put in the truck, I went, this might be too heavy for the house.

Like, meaning, like, I don't know how we're going to get this upstairs around a corner.

The house is built like 1918.

So it's like,

this is, it's not like it's big hallways.

Everyone weighed fucking 98 pounds back then.

So,

you know.

So we get it to the house.

I give, and I'm already upset because I wanted to go to lunch and Isla didn't want to go to fucking lunch.

She wanted to get this armoire

back to our house.

I'm starving.

I'm hungover.

I didn't get to work out.

None of this is my day.

I'm getting, I'm, I'm on someone else's schedule, which is already pissing me off.

We go to take it up into the house, and

Leanne and Isla are carrying one side.

They're carrying the top.

I'm carrying the bottom.

I think this armoire has to be around, I'm ballparking it, 400 pounds.

Okay, I'm guessing.

I mean,

it's easily, I can tell you what I can deadlift.

And I can, I, and, but it's, let's just ballpark it at, let's say 225 pounds is pretty fucking heavy.

Let's say it's 225 pounds of square block.

So now I'm with Isla, Leanne, her friends, Leanne's dad, and Leanne's friend.

And I'm frustrated and I'm angry.

And

I'm going to say the name of the city.

Not that it's important, but I'm going to say the name of the city.

Can you guys just bleep it out for me and leanne says you know what i think we leave it here and i said well i think we get it upstairs i mean it's doing where is it right now it's right now it's it's in on their first floor and i was like i said we get it up the stairs it's going to be a little bit of a thing but i'll be doing all the heavy lifting if you and i like and carry it at the top i'll be carrying the majority of the weight and leanne goes no no no no no you know what i'm going to do i'm going to task grab it tomorrow and I'm going to get two strong, two actual strong guys in here to get it up.

And I said, I'm one of the strongest men in this fucking city.

And she went, and they all laughed.

They all laughed.

They all laughed.

And I said, everyone, stop.

I'm without a doubt one of the top 0.5%

strongest men in this fucking city.

If anyone's getting up there, it's fucking me.

You're not going to find two men on Task Rabbit stronger than me.

And they're all laughing.

Tom, I need you to back me up in this.

Okay.

I benched 325 pounds.

I did 295 five times the the other day that is 0.5 strongest men in the world

without a doubt i'm with you i'm with you i am one of the strongest men in that city

without a doubt

yeah i i'm i'm not disagreeing with you

and that's why you respect your friends

That's why fucking bros over hoes because I had a bunch of hoes laughing at me and I was like, guys, I benched 325 pounds.

And they're like, that doesn't mean anything.

Well, no, it does mean something.

It means that you're pretty strong, dude.

You have a big fucking back.

Oh, yeah.

You look like an ox, dude.

Thank you, Sean.

Sean took some pictures on my back and sent them to me.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Fucking.

So, what happened to the armore?

I couldn't.

It was too heavy.

Did they find two dudes to lift it up?

I think it's going to stay downstairs.

Okay.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

that's great

that isla chryser man if you get if if

if all you got to do is get her to give a fuck

give a fuck about something and she is the most focused individual now sadly the only thing she really gives a about is herself

but if you

She is.

Where did that come from?

I have no idea.

Leanne was like, Leanne and Georgia, it was me, Georgia, Leanne, and Isla.

And Georgia and Leanne kept making fun of me and Isla because I, we had dueling panic attacks.

So we went to cost.

I wish I could tell you exactly where Isla went to college because it's that much funnier.

We got this armoire that had to hang out the back of an SUV.

So it's sticking out.

It's fucking huge.

It's seven feet big.

It's sticking out.

The girls are crammed up and Isla's like, hey, we just need to take this straight home.

Someone's going to steal it.

I go, it's fucking 400 pounds.

No one's going to steal it.

And she goes, dad, it's an expensive armoire.

And I said, I go, Isla, we're in one of the nicest areas in the world.

No one's stealing a, no one's going to steal a 400-pound armoire, let alone have a vehicle to get it in.

We're going to eat.

And Isla and I had matching panic attacks about her thing getting stolen and me needing food.

And they were dueling panic attacks.

And I just kept taunting her and she kept taunting me.

And Leanne and George just sat back and they're like, this is like watching a dog bark in a mirror.

I was like, so fucking livid.

I was like, yeah, I got a lot of fucking crime around here.

Look at all these criminals.

A lot of people have felonies here.

She was like, dad, just because they're, just because they're all in fucking polos and khakis and white people doesn't mean they don't have felonies.

They can commit corporate crimes.

And I'm like, that doesn't mean they're stealing a fucking armoire, Isla.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she get, she won, right?

Because she won.

She won.

And I then took her to a temper tantrum for the rest of the day.

Yeah, I bet.

That'd have been cool.

Teach her a lesson.

Teach her a lesson, dude.

All right.

We're going to be, well, we're both on the road.

So check out BurtbertBurt.com, TomSegaro.com for our tour dates.

My tour comes to an end in December.

I shoot a special in November, and then I'm done in December.

And then

what else?

Oh, we're placing our bets

in our respective states.

Me in Ohio, you in Illinois.

How do we feel these OnlyFans ladies?

That's a dude.

I don't.

What do you guys think?

How do we

field Bert's

submissions?

You think we do a website or something or what?

I think

they could do an email.

Yeah.

Which email, guys?

Two Bears1Cave at gmail.com.

And also feel free to DM the YMH Studios Instagram page.

And DM me too.

I want to see them.

Oh, I need to log into them.

Yeah.

And then the next episode, we'll have a list of people

who are up for debate.

Wait, for the email, it's the number two and the word bears.

Correct.

And then the number one and the word cave.

Yep.

At gmail.com.

The number two, bears, the number one, and then cave at gmail.com.

If you want to email, or you can DM the YMH Studios email account, and we could flat, we could just pull submissions from that.

You're going to get bombarded, dude.

I can't wait.

Okay.

Okay.

My testosterone is way too high.

I'm jerking off twice a day.

Are you serious?

It's bad.

Maybe dial it back a little?

I got good gains.

Okay.

Keep doing that.

Keep jerking off twice a day at 52.

That's good.

That's great.

And it's starting to hurt.

I mean, I would maybe refrain a little bit.

That's it.

It was fun.

We love you guys.

We'll see you next week.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.