The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Hey gang, I am going to be on tour starting this September.

I'm going to be in London September 7th, second show added in London.

Then we're going to be in Dublin on September 12th.

After that, coming to America November 6th in Memphis, then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, and then Myrtle Beach, classy Myrtle Beach, Austin, and Boston.

And we will be adding more shows soon.

But if you want to come see me, please check me out there.

That's it, baby.

And then I will be the big one, September 5th, Chicago Theater.

September 11th, Theater at Madison Square Garden.

And then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby.

So come see me.

I'm also in Boston in October.

Got a...

shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier.

Just go to chrisdcomedy.com for tikki wikis.

Thanks for all the support.

100%.

Cheers.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to 2 Bears One Cave Summer Bears Edition,

number five.

Wow.

With me, Stavros Halkis, and my pal, Chris DeStefano.

That's it.

We're here.

We have just eaten probably 1,500 calories of sweets.

I'm so fucked.

Honestly, I'm going to fucking kill Benson Spoon.

Dude.

Both of you actually are sabotaging me.

It's your fault.

Sorry about that.

This is your only escape from your family.

I know that your fiancé is watching what you're eating.

Now that she's got you legally, you can't die.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Until you're married.

Right.

And she gets everything if you die.

She's got to keep you alive.

So it's a lot of egg-white omelets.

It's a lot of working out.

So you and our text chain.

One of us is fat as shit is trying to change his fucking life, Chris.

And you pretend like you're a friend who supports me.

But every time I come here, you demand Benson's spoon gets us a whole coterie of fucking desserts.

Well, I gotta be.

And what am I gonna do?

Have any self-control?

No,

I'm gonna eat the tiramisu.

I'm gonna eat whatever delicious shit.

And there was a bagel.

I packed a lunch.

Dude, I know.

I packed a fucking breakfast even.

Yeah.

And then I see a bagel.

What am I?

Not gonna eat the fucking bagel.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

The lunch that you packed is salmon and chicken and broccoli, so it's the thought that counts.

I know.

Right now, in the studio, the fridge, there is salmon, broccoli, and a half cup of rice.

I didn't even give myself a full cup of rice, and I've eaten three fucking desserts.

I love that you have salmon, broccoli, and chicken in the fridge and tiramisu in your belly button.

I'm fucked.

Dude, well, I didn't know what to do because I actually was concerned because Stavros, myself, and Benson Spoon have a group chat where we go over when we're going to come in and film this, what it is.

And Stavros just hasn't responded in two weeks.

So I texted him this morning thinking, dude, are you dead?

Am I going to find your body in Astoria with a half-eaten half-eaten Turkey Hill ice cream container, porn, and a mom Donnie?

Donnie's side?

Everything is right except Turkey Hill.

You offended me.

It's not you fantasizing about my death.

Did you think I would be eating low-quality ice cream like fucking Turkey Hill?

Sorry about that.

I'd be Ben and Jerry's up.

You are.

Maybe Jenny's even.

I know, dude.

You are sold out everywhere you go, so you are Ben and Jerry's.

You were Turkey Hill three years ago.

Oh, my youth.

In my youth, we had the plastic tub with its own little plastic handle.

That was the Neapolitan that you got at Costco or Price Club

back in the day.

And then, obviously, the strawberry always goes last.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They know what they're doing with Neapolitan.

That's their way to sneak strawberry and the chocolate and vanilla superstars.

Best.

And then they sneak a fuck.

I don't eat a third.

You should redo Neapolitan Ice Cream, and

it should be maybe like...

Now I'm bad with fractions.

One-eighth.

No, hold on.

Three-fifths.

Yeah, fifths.

That's the only fraction I know from history.

No, I like that.

Two-fifths chocolate, two-fifths vanilla, one-fifth strawberry.

Yes.

That's how we do it.

Well, and it's also two, if we're just being honest.

Or maybe three-sevenths, three-sevenths, one-seventh.

I also don't want any fruit at all in my ice cream.

You know what I mean?

It's like, just give me a Brussels sprout.

No, no, that's a really good point.

How did strawberry sneak its way into being the default fruit ice cream flavor?

It's weird because it could be blueberry ice cream, could be apple ice cream, but why strawberry?

Why is it conceived of blueberry ice cream, but it could be.

you know what's wild

a sorbet pineapple sorbet have the jizz smelling amazing

mango you know mango

now you're talking to the puerto ricans at all puerto ricans love mangoes

do you you know strawberries are the only fruit that oh and not the only fruit i know they are a fruit that they have their seeds on the outside so when you eat them and that's because they know through nature they've learned how to procreate and just keep recreating version themselves because when you eat them and then you take a poop you technically technically poop the seeds and seeds right out.

Right out.

So they know.

So they just never die, dude.

It's like a guy walking around covered in his own jizz.

Exactly.

That's what a strawberry is.

Exactly.

So it's like, ooh, maybe some jizz gets it.

Right, so that's why when you see me in the streets and I have jizz all over my own jizz all over my face, it's I'm just being a strawberry and trying to keep.

That's me saying I want to be immortal.

That's my longevity.

Everything's into long

children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you have like that guy, the vampire guy, Ryan Johnson, who does, who just looks like, you know, he just looks like a gay guy.

Oh, yeah.

Like he does, he just looks like a gay guy with a younger boyfriend.

I don't even know if the guy's gay, but whatever he's done to himself makes him look sort of like Liberace.

Did you see behind the candelabra?

Oh, yeah.

The Liberace movie?

Yeah, but don't tell the friends in my neighborhood that I saw that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I totally, yeah, I mean, there must have been Italian guys who are like, this guy, he's flashy just like me.

In the 70s, 100%.

There must have been guys who were just like, Liberace, he ain't gay yeah he's got jewelry he's got jewelry he's got talent yeah

i think i first of all too i just want to quickly say that uh although yes the sweets were here today and i did say in the group chat that i like a little bit extra cheat uh treats i said i want my egg whites avocado on rye bread which was done and that i said uh maybe a fun little sweet treat for us And then Benson Spoon, first of all, Benson Spoon shows up an hour late, dressed like a lesbian.

Right.

Okay.

He's got to look good.

He is wearing Benson.

I think it's gone to his head.

Yes.

The Benson Boone comparison has gone to the...

He came in

jean jacket.

He does look like he's he looks like he would finish last in a Benson Boone lookalike contest.

He looks like, and he does look like, to me, today, even though he does look good, he does look like

a crack his head trying to do the back flip.

Yes, he would be.

And he does, it is kind of lesbian vibes with his boots.

He looks like a WNBA player going into the game.

You know, like when they walk in and they have their cool outfit.

Like, he looks like Caitlin Clark walking into the arena.

They're looking good, by the way.

Oh, God, so is Benson Spoon, dude.

That's why I'm saying it.

I want to rub Tiramasu all over his man pussy.

That's the only way.

If I came in here and there was a Tiramasu

in his hole,

then I would put the odds down to like 30-70.

I eat it.

It wouldn't even be zero.

Let's go 40-60.

Even for you.

Yeah, a little higher.

But he had the tiramisu, and he had the sweets, and it's like, we'll eat it anyway because we're both sweet addicts.

But it's as if the DoorDash guy just took it and threw it against the wall.

The Tir Masseu and cupcakes were smeared along the edges of the box.

That is another layer of how pathetic we are, is that it was like, we were basically like raccoons just fucking scraping it off the side.

I couldn't even find forks at first.

We were doing it with our bare hands.

Like 100% if our mothers were here, they would have yelled at us.

100% you and I would have gotten yelled at separately by our mothers.

By the way, it's not like we were doing it in the studio.

There's a public common area out there with other workers doing work for this network that we were eating in front of, and they were probably like, who are these absolute pigs?

I know.

We really, we started the day very piggish.

Yes.

Two pigs, one pen is what this is.

This fucking is.

We really are disgusting.

But I got to be honest, at least right now, they're capturing us.

That's why it's good the camera's on because I have a sugar rush where my heart is literally beating to a point where it might be kind of dangerous because I've had three coffees and I literally, I mean, dude, I ate my egg sandwich and I ate those tiramisues.

And I didn't even tell you, dude, I ate a sleep, not a sleeve, I ate a pack of Oreo cookies I got from 7-Eleven on the way in here.

Just to get going, dude.

Just to prime the pump.

Yeah, I was doing so good with my diet.

And in the last 48 hours, you ever just fall off the rails

out of nowhere?

Like, I don't know what happened.

I went to my stepmom's retirement party and I had like some gelato and I had some like a little bit of pasta and it was kind of like a like it warmed me up.

Of course.

And then I didn't eat anything else the rest of that night.

I stayed healthy, but then I woke up the next day and it would, dude, I ate a Cinnabon.

I started doing the thing that I used to do.

Cinnabon.

Dude, because I weigh 215 right now.

I used to be 255.

Sure, right.

And I'm full weight.

Yep.

And I, and I used to do that thing where I would go into the bagel store and get stuff from my family.

And I would get, oh, you know, can I get a toasted bagel with cream cheese?

Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese?

Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese on a hero?

And then I'd say, oh, what else did she say she wants?

But all this is for me.

Come on.

And I did it.

And I did it again at the local bagel store in the new neighborhood I just moved into.

They know you.

Well, they don't know me yet,

but it's new.

And the guy literally said to me, he goes, you having a party or something?

Because it was 8 a.m.

And I was like, oh, I got a big family.

And he was like, you spent $130 at a bagel store.

So

if you're spending over $50 at a bagel store, that's an issue.

Which who are you talking to?

I know.

You want to hear a fucked up order?

You want to hear what I really would put my nuts on the table?

When I'm talking, I'm 350 and I'm having, I'm starting my day with edibles, and I'm like, just like, let's, you know, and I'm still high from the night before, and I'm like, what do I want as a nice, how fucked up my bagel order got?

I would do a everything

classic, you know, nothing, nothing there, toasted.

Two eggs, sausage and bacon.

Ooh.

Sausage and bacon, because you know, there's not enough.

And then I no cheese,

but then I would keep the saturated fats down.

No, no, no, no, no.

Because there was enough.

For me, this is all about getting every bite uniform and delicious.

That's why I got two meats.

Because

God forbid there be one bite where there's not a little bit of meat, right?

That's why I would get sausage.

And I would even like take this apart and like organize every bite.

So, same problem with cheese.

Sometimes it's not uniform.

So what do I do?

The place I lived at had their, they had their own bacon scallion.

It was like bacon scallion sriracha cream cheese.

Whoa.

And that became the cheese.

Throw that on there, smear that so every inch of the thing is covered in.

I'd add a fucking hash brown into the sandwich.

And if my dick was really feeling hard, I would add avocado.

Before I ate it, I would pre-salt the avocado.

Because there's not enough salt in every bread.

And that was like my, when I'm really a fucking piece of shit.

And then I would do the thing where I'd be like, time for a dessert bagel and just get

either plain with strawberry cream cheese or I would get a cinnamon raisin with then cinnamon cream cheese.

So, and that would be just the start of my day.

And then imagine having to do thing.

And then I would be doing stuff, dude.

Like, that's the insanity.

I mean, I would probably bang some Adderall.

Yeah.

I was doing like the very, the fat guy, the like low-grade speed balls of edibles, Adderall.

And here's the thing.

After you finished that dessert bagel, you were still hungry.

You could just keep going, probably.

I was,

I would just be catatonic for about 40 minutes.

Like, I would just be like,

yeah, it's like doing drugs.

And then I'd be like, oh, fuck.

Okay, time to the fucking podcast.

And then I would be on, and then I'd be like, well, how about a whole pizza and fucking 14 wings?

You would do that.

So do you think there's days in your life where you get 10,000 calories in a day easy?

8,000, 7,000?

Yeah.

7,000, no problem.

Yeah, why not?

7,000, no problem.

By the way, when you...

I can't eat like that anymore.

Although, who knows?

What we did out there was pretty

nice.

Just take the chicken and salmon and start dipping it in the tiramisu.

Dude, sauces?

When you get sauced up, because I'm a big sauce boy, sauces will, oh, Korean barbecue, one of my favorite dipping sauces is purely sesame oil and salt.

Yeah.

They don't tell you about that.

There's some special sauces they don't think, because they don't think the gringo knows about it.

Yeah, right.

They do.

And then I say, hey, where's my sesame oil?

And I see the respect on the Korean waiter's face when he knows.

And I'm like, and bring that fucking,

there's a red bean paste as well.

That's good as fuck.

Anyway.

But you got yourself on your salt.

What the hell is when we start talking bagels?

My dick's getting hard right now.

I love, well, and that's what it is, too.

I love like the truckers listening to this podcast are all careening off the side of whatever interstate they're delivering to.

I love that we're going to see on the news, news, you know, a 30-truck pileup and all the Gustavi was talking about scaling.

Shout out to the fat boys and fat girls out there.

Love hearing this.

This is pornography for the reality.

Dude, you know, I got family trying to manage the mortgage, the kids' schools, the wife wants, if she wants a butt thing, whatever.

The many defamation lawsuits.

Exactly, dude.

I got to buy different hats because I don't like the way my hair looks.

Sure.

Dude, it's just spending money.

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You did?

Acorns, dude.

I was looking at acorns.

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Acorns.

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Dude, investing, compounding, investing, all that.

This is how this is, if you want to be rich like Tom Segura and Burt Greyser, the amount of money Tom and Burt made off those poor washcloths when they invested in Acorns, they doubled it.

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I mean, I got to be honest, though, like, because the immediate guilt that I felt after we ate that, because I'm not going to be, I'm definitely trying to get in better shape.

I definitely, you know, I understand.

Can I ask you something?

Rank the guilt.

Okay.

You know, so we're talking food guilt.

There's sexual guilt, right?

Right.

When you bust to something that's like, uh,

yeah, I don't know if I should have done that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should have been thinking about this person from my past doing that thing.

Yeah, like, you know, it's like, it's like, I'm jerking off.

It's like, I think the actress Jodi Sweeton, who played Stephanie in Full House, is smoking hot.

But the problem is, what I jerked off to her when she was in the 90s.

Of course.

So it's like, if you think about that, you're like, yeah, but you're jerking off.

No, it's true.

When you go, your memories need to age up with you.

Yes.

Just because you jacked off to something, you jacked off to Saved by the Bell when you were in high school.

Yeah.

You are not allowed to jack off to Kelly Kapowski anymore.

No, you can't jerk off.

It's got to be.

By the way, she was in a a procedural,

she was in like a

cop show when I was in high school.

She was looking fucking.

I jacked off to that level.

Yeah, yeah, you can't jerk off to Topanga from Boy Meets World today.

You were doing it.

We're all doing it in the 90s.

No, but not, she's 14 or something.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's what I mean.

Her nap.

Yeah, her nap.

Yes, now.

I'm saying you can't go back to the bottom.

No, no, no.

You cannot.

I mean, Boy Meets World is brutal.

They're like literal children coming to Fred Savage or something like that.

Yeah.

You're like, all all right.

It doesn't even get to her.

You just see Fred Savage.

You just curly head.

You're like, oh.

Yeah.

You think about Mr.

Feeney eating your ass?

No, but

it's.

Nice penis, Mr.

DiStefano.

So I, because I'm trying to, you know, like get in shape.

So I aware, I'm aware that I'm not like a fat mess.

Because sometimes people will yell at me on the internet, like, you always talk about how you're fat.

You're not hot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, but my brain, I have the definite,

my parents at times in their life were both overweight.

Um, I have the fat gene and I have the guilt.

And like, I notice, like, Jasmine, she has no guilt.

If she eats something, she's like, I let it go.

Like, I'm enjoying.

Why would I eat the food and then not enjoy it?

Do you think it's just food, though, or do you have a guilt issue overall?

It's called being a Catholic.

I have guilt because I have guilt about things constantly.

Like, there'll be times where, like, I'll get in.

I don't, you know, you know me.

I'm not really that confrontational of a guy.

I want just people to be happy.

I'm like, I'm happy with what I, so I try to just avoid it if I can.

That's how I am.

I'm what's known in my neighborhood as a big pussy.

So,

so, so I, hey, guys, we're going to go fuck Chris's girl.

You guys come in.

Yeah.

He's got talent.

So.

He's over there shooting free throws with his dad again.

We're all going to get head from his girl while he's doing that.

While he's shooting free throws over the broom his dad's holding up.

That he's making believe it's a black guy.

I do love that.

I mean, we don't have to get into it again that you've told the story a a bunch, but I do love that your dad just snuck in racism.

Always.

Just training you.

Like a wholesome father-son moment.

He's like, let's be a little racist here.

You know, I've said it before, the named on the broom piece of tape named Leroy, and it's just what it is.

Could have been, the guy's name could have been John.

Could have been Jerry.

Yeah, it could have been John.

And Leroy, and you say, okay, Leroy

could be a name.

But then, well, what made it even worse is he taped a weed to the edge of it.

Your dad also was in blackface.

Yes, he was.

And he was saying the N-word.

Yeah, that's what it is.

But in his set, he was doing it in character.

Right.

He's like, I'm just trying to mimic what you might see in the NBA on the off chance you make it as a 5'8 kid with psoriasis and a mushroom haircut from Supercuts that can hit a one out of every seven threes.

Super cuts.

Oh, dude, I would just, my mom would take me there and just ask for the number six.

Yeah.

Oh, it sucked.

Did you get a lemon tree?

Did you ever get, did you ever go to like a lady's house?

Like, did your mom ever have a friend who did cut hair in her kids?

Yeah, we didn't, but I would go to like a Dominican lady.

That wasn't my mom's friend.

Her salon was just on the second floor of her,

but she was hot and everyone would go get their hair cutscene because her big tits would just hit your shoulder.

Dude, my first week in New York, right?

I didn't, you know, I was just like, it was like, I didn't know where I was going.

I was just like walking around aimlessly.

You know, being in Matt, when you're from, when you're like an artsy little fucking, you know, nerd.

who lives on the East Coast, like New York is like,

it feels like Hogwarts to you.

You know what I mean?

Like I don't want to be a gay ass wizard.

I want to be a gay ass comedian.

So to me, New York is like this feel.

And it's like, you go, you see, everybody goes, you're like, that's where George Harlan went on stage for the cafe walk.

Totally, totally, totally like a little.

Yeah, yeah, walking by the cellar, being like, oh, I'm going to one day, I'm going to be there.

Yeah.

One day.

Yeah, and it happens and it's like, it's a club.

Yeah, and then it happens.

And who cares?

And you realize, like, oh, this all sucks.

Yeah, this sucks.

Life sucks.

Nothing's good.

I mean, the clubs are great, but you just, we're all dead in sucks.

You never get to be happy.

Happiness is an illusion.

That's why we eat Tiramisu out of the box.

And it's early, by the way.

It was 9.59 a.m.

We're eating Tiramisu.

Yeah.

And

I was rocking the shaved look.

I was fighting my, you know, I was shamed by society to shave my head back then.

And I was looking a little, you know, I had just moved.

I hadn't, so I was like, let me just go to like a cheap place, get a buzz real quick.

And it was a Dominican woman with fat tits who was gorgeous and who called me Poppy.

And I was legitimate.

I jacked off.

Sure.

Like in a public bathroom.

Yeah.

Like moments after getting a haircut.

Like it might have been like a Grace papaya.

I went to some, I was trying to do like a New York shit.

I went to some New York, like or a boat dig or something.

And I was like, do you guys have a bathroom?

And I just,

just the idea of getting, of fucking this lady who shaved my head because I felt her tits on my shoulders.

and she called me Poppy.

I was just like...

With her nice little Dominican accent.

It was insane.

I believe it.

Fuck, where was that place?

Let's go there.

It was somewhere on the east side because it was, remember there was...

There was an open mic, Revisions Lounge.

Oh, yeah.

Revisions Lounge.

And I think I even saw you.

Dude, I remember when you got here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody loved you right away.

And I remember the very first time I saw you, you were on You Know What Dude.

And Bobby Kelly was one of the first guys to kind of be doing like live streaming.

He was, yeah.

And Bobby, you know, has lost a lot of weight now, but back in those days, he was pretty heavy.

And you were sitting in between Bobby Kelly and then comedian Louie Katz, and we could chime in on the chat.

And I chimed in.

I was like, yo, that kid sitting in the middle of you looks like if Bobby Kelly and Louie had a baby because you had the glasses like Louie and fat like Bobby.

Absolutely.

But I remember, dude, yeah, you came in, but I remember that shaved, I remember the shaved head, missing tooth look was next.

level.

Thank you.

It literally, it was one of those ones where it's like, I guarantee you, the FBI just looked a little bit closer at you because you look like a guy who would be laying on a roof with a sniper rifle taking shots at the press.

It was awesome to be toothless.

That was the happiest years of my life, legitimate.

But you still, the thing is, one, I always say, because people have, I don't know why, people have brought this up to me about you with the hair and the tooth.

But like, what was going on there?

And I said, I don't know for sure, but I would argue, guys, because the way Stavi holds himself is so confident, and you have so much confidence within whatever look or whatever you're doing.

And I said, I bet you he got the most puss during during that time I was in a like the the close the only time I've ever been in like a happy relationship was then was then oh that's interesting and in hindsight I feel really bad she was a great girl and like she clearly did not like that I was toothless right like I remember her being just like like she was just like

Just put the tooth in when you meet my family.

I was going to say,

I would love to see the warning text between her and her family or group chat or sister just saying he's a really nice guy.

I crushed it with the tooth in, but I met like some of her work friends without a tooth.

And she was like,

she couldn't believe she had to tell me, put your tooth in before you meet my work friends.

Yeah, like she was so upset.

I mean, that was probably the beginning of the end.

Well, I was going to say, like, it's a few years ago, like, them being like, okay, wait, so what?

He lives in an apartment in Astoria, right?

He's a little overweight.

He's got three rooms.

He's got three rooms.

He has no teeth.

And his podcast is called Come Town.

And you want to marry this guy.

Honey, we'll do it for you, but we really are just going to work.

But yes, that was a beautiful time.

The toothless years were the happiest years of my life.

But see, because that's the thing is, like, everything in life is like mindset.

And I feel like you're, like, even before we were talking outside, and you were like, oh, like, you were like, I, you're getting really good at, like, photography.

And, like, you know, you know how to like.

Well, the Stabby Baby 2026 nude calendar coming out, actually, very soon.

But that's what I'm saying.

You have confidence in a way, like, I don't have the confidence.

Like, you would see the two of us and be like, oh, he's probably not confident.

I'm probably more confident.

But it's the reverse.

You're very confident, but not in a cocky way.

You're confident in a powerful way.

And I don't think I can do anything.

It's interesting.

So that's it.

Why do you think people are doing it?

Well, I'm bringing up the mindset of this is probably feeding back into like the guilt and the sweets and that everything is shame.

Everything is you're not good enough.

Everything, you know what I mean?

So it's probably Catholicism all ties in.

Right.

Greek.

This might just be Greek Orthodoxy.

This is what I'm saying.

This is the main difference.

Because we barely are a religion.

Right.

It's really just a building where you have dances and you can sell Lukumadis and

souvlaki to keep things afloat.

But it's like, no, we didn't, like, I didn't learn lessons about God or anything.

I don't know shit about the Bible.

They didn't teach us any of that shit.

And like, there's not that much guilt.

I went to confession like one time because I went to church camp one week.

Right.

And our church camp was just the only camp, the only camp my parents, the only sleepawake camp my parents, my parents were like scared I got, I was gonna get

my whole life.

Right.

Which, you know, part of me I'm like, did I black it out?

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, because my parents are so for what they wouldn't let me sleep over anyone's house, right?

They were so freaked out.

And I'm like, did somebody fucking suck me off when I was four?

And I just completely

like I've literally like meditated and been like,

did that guy suck my dick?

Yeah.

I can handle it.

I can handle it.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just be like, come on,

I'm strong enough now.

You know, open Pandora's box.

But no, I can't think of it, even though I was adorable.

You were?

I peaked at three.

Like, I was such a cute baby.

I peaked at three, bro.

I was so cute.

Little bow tie.

My mom would dress me up nice.

Well, I feel like it's coming full circle now because now you're starting to look like

you're just getting hot again.

Well, I've always said

I was meant to be in my 40s.

Right.

I am actually peaking in my 40s because, like, everyone's going bald and can't handle it.

Right.

I'm ready for 30 years.

What are you 37?

I'm 36.

36, yeah.

So

I'm getting primed.

And I'm just, all I want to do by the time I'm 40, get big arms.

Fat guy with big arms, the big arms.

In your 40s, great.

You know what you should do?

CrossFit.

CrossFit is what will be.

There's no chance I'm doing that.

I'm saying it's one way.

Just an immediate no.

Bring me the tear of a seal.

Chris, you know, we're basically small business owners.

Small business owners.

Stavi Baby Enterprises, you know, yes.

Am I loaning out some of my

expertise here on two bears?

Yes.

But I myself am a small business owner.

Yes, you are.

I have my own podcast company i have my own you know stavi's world obviously uh we're on the road i have my own road business merchandising right i sell the stavi baby 20 with the stavi baby erotic calendar every year and you know i used to do that it used to be brutal i used to sell my own t-shirts out of a garbage bags i wouldn't track shit i would lose money i would sometimes i would just honestly there were times where i just didn't feel like paying to have it shipped back if i i thought i was going to sell a bunch of calendars because i didn't do the math right and i just left them at a club yeah you know there's thousands of dollars there's a funny bone with 700 worth of 2021 calendars yeah they're just giving them out with like a any purchase over a hundred dollars at the date and funny bone still to this day yeah but i have since you know what's helped me grow my business shopify shopify shopify such a wonderful e-commerce business they will help you grow no matter what you're selling right they will help your business grow imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient you kind of scroll down right as I was reading something there.

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Dude, you got spooned.

I got spooned, baby.

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You know, Christopher, I know you feel this way.

You're constantly moving.

You have a family to support.

You're dropping off pies to the law enforcement officials in your home, hometown.

Life moves fast for you, and it moves fast for everybody else.

And sometimes you just need a way to relax recharge or stay focused that's it without making things more complicated than they already are you ever try meditating but then get stressed out about how bad you are at meditating I do same Z's that's why I love VIA you do yeah because they actually make feeling good easy oh dude via is I would say they're changing the game in natural wellness would you really say that yeah they're combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create a real effect drug.

Yeah, because I'm sick and tired of getting these pussy cannabinoids.

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You know,

actually, never mind that point I was going to make.

Oh.

So if you're doing it.

I was looking forward to it, man.

I think it's actually the kind of thing that they expressly asked us not to do.

Right.

But you know what?

You are going to be able to do it.

You know why you're able to save yourself there?

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You're chilling.

Because you're on VIA.

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What a slogan.

Yeah, I just want to fucking, yeah,

you know, go work out and then fucking get some weights in your new apartment.

I got some weights.

There you go.

Throw them around.

I was fucking getting swole yesterday.

Hell yeah.

But I think that I think, that's why I was bringing this up because I wanted to bring this up.

So I got, and this is just, this is, you got to tell me.

You got to tell me because you know at times I could be like a little bitch boy.

Sure, in your own in your own head.

And in my own head a lot, and I know it's gay.

I've seen your comments.

I know it's gay.

I mean, keep saying it, but just

know that I'm not responding to you because it upsets you.

It's just there's so many overwhelming comments of it that I just can't.

They're like, you're not actually homosexual, but you are gay.

Right, I know.

And it's also like...

Like, they're mad at you for not actually being gay.

Well, and it's also, too, I just want to encourage, like, please keep...

Bringing the comments, you know, whenever.

But I, I've already M ⁇ M myself.

There's nothing that you've said about me that I haven't already publicly said about myself.

I mean, I literally was, I got the, the,

the screaming that I got from my mother last week for saying that I had sex in her bedroom.

So like, just know, like, I, no, that's interesting.

I publicly say everything about me.

Did she not know?

I mean, infuriating.

She never had any idea.

No, and like seven of her friends sent her that clip.

She's like,

I get a call.

She goes, I see the call coming, Crib, and I say, uh-uh.

I kind of just knew.

And she didn't, it wasn't even though, because my mom will always be like, hello, where are you?

But it wasn't even that.

I go, hello.

She goes, Christopher, why do I have to get the clip?

Are you talking about you having sex in my bedroom from Janine?

Why is Janine sending me that fucking clip?

She's like, I told you.

Stop embarrassing this family on the podcast.

And then I was like, and then while we're on the phone, I'm like explaining it to her.

I'm like, you know, mom, like, I'm a grown man now.

I could be able to say things like that.

One of her other friends sent her the clip.

clip she was like yeah i swear to god she's like now i'm getting it for mary so she did not know you were fucking in her well i said to her i said mom mom i get i get that i i get that coming out with that is crazy i get that but why are you mad right like what do you have to wash the sheets that was in 1999

you've been rolling around in it for 25 years

Because there's no way you change the sheets.

No, dude, and there's no way she changed the carpet.

Dude, I used to do it on the floor, too.

I girl on the floor over your mouth.

Yeah, just

flooding her carpet.

But it's one of those things.

That's fucking awesome, dude.

Just getting screwed.

Is there a chair there in that room?

No, no.

Just straight up bed.

No.

Bed floor.

Bed floor.

You know what she used to have in there?

Like, I don't know if you remember this.

This was like late 90s, early 2000s.

Pillows of people were, like, I had an Ultimate Warrior pillow.

I had like, yo, a Hulk Hogan pillow.

Of course, I remember those guys.

You know what I mean?

They were like small.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, she had a Rosie O'Donnell pillow.

And so we used to lay it on her bed.

And I would do things because I was just like a sick, I would like, you know, make her bed in the morning or whatever, like, if she went to work or if, you know, and then I would put

it, put them in the bed.

And I would put like Ultimate Warrior, like, eating out Rosie O'Donnell.

Or Rosie O'Donnell laying on Hulk Hogan's taint.

What were those called?

Pillow Buddies or something?

They were so.

Because I remember that.

Dude, remember those?

My mom says she still has some of mine in the basement.

So I'm like, oh, we got to bring those out.

so.

I was a big Rosie O'Donnell show fan, by the way.

I loved it.

I was a little kid.

I was like, Rosie fucking rules.

I love that.

By the way, you saying you're a fan of Rosie O'Donnell right now would divide the audience in half.

They're like, oh, you fucking.

It was a good show.

Yeah.

It was a good show.

And look, by the way, I'm like a fat little child.

Sure.

I also, this is how funny it was.

Like, I obviously had no concept of what being gay was.

And, like, the one thing Greek orthodoxy instills in you is like, oh, gay people are still wrong.

You know, like, they they don't teach you any lessons, but they still are like, you should still be a bigot.

And I remember literally, I was like, maybe, you know, maybe I was like, I don't know, third grade, fourth grade.

I remember like, and there were like the, back then it was the rumors of Rosie O'Donnell being gay.

And I remember being like, she is not fucking gay.

I was like pissed off when someone would call her gay.

And I'd be like, and I remember praying that Rosie O'Donnell was straight.

I remember being like, God, just keep Rosie straight.

I don't want Rosie to go to hell.

Yeah, make her.

I want to do her talk show in heaven.

Yes.

I want her to throw a koosh ball at me in heaven.

Yeah, come on.

Just keep her straight.

Make Ricky Lake gay.

No, I was a big Ricky fan for other reasons.

Yeah.

So, okay, anyway, yeah.

So I'm not going to name the company, but tell me, just be honest, okay?

Because, again, I'm specifically doing this because you are confident, and I'm like, so if you would handle this in an egoless way, I'd be like, okay, but if this is going to even upset you, I'll know I'm more in the right.

So I'm looking for honesty here.

Okay.

Okay, even though this is a form of entertainment, the show that we're doing, I'm sure.

So I say, so I get an email.

And by the way, this show is a big show.

It's a big show that A-listers do.

So I'm aware of that already.

That this is A-listers, like big guys do it.

So

they say it'd be, we're reaching out with some opportunities, and then they name the show, and they say, we'd love to feature you and Shane Gillis paired in an upcoming episode.

So right there, but I'm okay with that because I'm like, being paired with Shane.

Being paired with Shane,

That's awesome.

I'm like, that's great, dude.

Like, seriously.

So, then she goes, transparently, we've been in communication with Shane's team, but there hasn't been any significant movement.

Oh, my God.

Right?

So, now it's like, okay, that was a sinking fear because I'm like, oh, wait,

are they trying to use.

You already emailed Matt McCusker.

He's not getting back to us either.

Yeah.

They say, I know you're tight with him.

Let me check my email.

I wonder if I got this too.

No, I actually already picked you.

They said, no.

I was like, I'm doing doing two bears with stopping.

Would he work?

They're like, no.

They said, I know you're tight with Shane, so hoping it moves the needle a bit.

More details below.

Then they tell me about the show, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then I say, hey, would love to come on.

Do you know when you'd want to shoot or release by?

I have a show at theater at Madison Square Garden on September 11th.

ChristieComedy.com for tickets.

I said, so if it can be, I said, so if it can be before then, that would be great.

And then I also said, if not, all good, let me know.

Thanks.

So I'm already being a bit of a wavering pussy.

No, it's okay.

You're fine.

But then she writes back, amazing.

Yes, just heard we can do it before 9-11.

Do you think you can get Shane on board?

Hey, yeah, cool.

Whatever fucking date you want, but how about the point of what this is really about?

So I'm like, okay.

Can we double check about your more famous friend?

Yes, yeah.

That's what we're really asking about.

They're real.

I mean, they're completely fucking your reality.

So then she goes, so then I go, I go, okay, great.

And then I just flat out say, I go, Shane doesn't live in New York City anymore.

So I doubt he honestly can.

I just was like, this way to just protect, because I'm not gonna reach out to Shane.

I don't have a transactional friendship, he's like my actual friend.

Yeah, so I'm like, I'm not just gonna ask Shane for stuff, and also he's he's not gonna fly to New York to do this.

No, he's not, he doesn't do anything either.

Nothing, it's like

this, yeah.

And I absolutely love it and it's a huge show, but even that, what does Shane need any of this shit for?

Yeah, so so then she goes, Got you.

Curious, what about Theo Vaughn?

Holy shit.

So they're not even like, oh, all right.

We'll just figure it out.

We'll find somewhere else.

Next up, what about Field Month?

Oh, my God.

So then they say they want a paired episode.

So transparently, it's kind of contingent on that.

Contingent?

Then they go, if this opportunity doesn't work, we can also pivot and get you in studio to do some social concepts instead.

Awesome.

They're like, hey, you know, like, if you can't get somebody better than you, we'll let you do some bullshit that no one watches.

You want to do the bull?

Yeah, they'll waste your time.

And then I don't respond.

Now I'm like, I'm not responding.

And then she just this morning goes, morning, Chris.

Just wanted to flag the team can travel for the episode.

Not sure where Shane is currently based.

But if you have a show where he's at,

but if you have a show where he's at, we can do it there.

Keep me posted.

How do I respond to this?

Wow.

I mean,

so let me ask you this.

Yeah.

You know,

you know that I'm, so even you,

who's a confident guy, would feel this.

I'm being disrespected, even though I know my place in the

I'm being disrespected, and I could feel a way about that.

I think you should just be like, hey, I'm not bait for my more famous friends.

Like, I don't want to do your fucking show.

Yeah.

Like, I don't have to do your fucking show.

Yeah, like, I mean, they clearly don't value you at all.

Right.

The only value is that you, your proximity to Shane.

That's all that is.

That's it.

It's them being like.

I don't give a fuck about you.

Yeah.

Like, let me just be honest.

We don't care about you, Chris.

Yes.

Can you do our job?

Right, exactly.

so you can be emotionally cut out of it yeah dude just have fucking

dm shane or zeal yeah dude it's like suck my ass yeah dude i know it's like whatever but it's like man yeah dude and then the the you know i just look we don't care you know you know whatever it's that's but that's the good if that happened to me i think i would just be like

oh i'm not doing this or even you know what i'm gonna politely even the first one

it's like i think my spidey senses would have gone off a little bit.

Yeah.

I mean, the very first one, because they're kind of saying it like

they have Shane.

Like, if I had seen that, I'd been like, this is not happening.

Because I just know Shane wouldn't have done that.

Right.

There's no way Shane would have been like, oh, great.

Sign me up.

And then book one of my friends.

Well, I think, too, what's the good thing?

I think what happens is, too, is like everybody kind of wafts their own shit on the internet.

Like, the show is humongous.

Can't even deny it.

But it's like, it's not like, I'll do your show.

I don't care.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, I would like to do it, but it's like

the level of disregard.

Like, I'm not going to go in there with this energy.

Of course.

And then I won't be fun or funny.

Like, you know, so I'm just like, I just won't do it.

I'm just happy doing, I'm just happy where my career is at, which is just taking two bears, one cave to the end.

Right.

Just taking it to the end of the summer and the end of the show.

The end of the show.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

But so I'm happy to know that even you, because I literally, and even my girl, Jazz, was like, you need to let this go because it's been 24 hours of you talking talking to Chat GPT about

what you can say back.

Yeah.

No, you can't be doing that.

Look, you can't be doing that.

Should I read some of the Chat GPT prompts?

Please.

That's pathetic.

You can't do that.

Hold on.

Hold on.

No, no, no.

I'm not Chat GPT.

Yeah, hold on, hold on.

I go.

I go.

Let me know what you asked it.

Okay, so Chat GPT.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

This is sad.

This is more pathetic than fucking in your mom's bed.

Yeah, so I said, so first of all, it's literally been, it's literally been since

since yesterday I've been dealing with this.

So I said, I sent them screenshots of the text.

I sent the screenshots of the email, and I go to ChatGPT.

Can't help but feel like they're using me to get more comedians and feeling more established.

Oh, no, dude.

Chat GPT.

Chat GPT.

You're looking at ChatGPT for more awesome people.

And you're also, by the way, you're a bitch talking to ChatGPT.

Like, I can't help but, it's not like ChatGPT.

I'm being disrespectful.

You're like,

you're a hoping.

ChatGPT says, no, Chris, they value you as a person.

You know what I mean?

Well, I have to turn to ChatGPT because Jasmine just stopped talking to me about it.

She's like, I'm going to go in the pool with our children, so you should come and do it.

You're so cooked if a man with a family turns to ChatGPT.

Yes.

You have friends.

You have friends who deal with this sort of thing.

You could have called me.

You could have called any number of people.

You went to chat.

We're cooked.

Well, that's what a content whore I am.

I said, instead of just

talking to Stavi about this personally, let's just do it.

Let's monetize it.

Yeah.

Let's monetize friendship.

Yeah.

Which is what podcast is.

Hey, but you know what, guys?

At least we're not talking about the Ferrari as we call each other.

So that's a plus.

This is how it starts, though.

Yeah, that's true.

So then ChatGPT says, from the email thread, it looks like they're initially pitching you as a paired appearance with Shane, but now they're making it sound like the booking is kind of contingent on the pairing.

And I said, and I said,

I said, yeah.

And I can't help but feel they think I'm the lesser comic.

No, yes, I swear to God.

Oh, my God.

I can't help but believe it.

I mean, yes.

Yes, yes.

Which I am all understanding of.

But then they go, then they go,

they go, yeah, the way they're phrasing it does come off like they see you as the anchor guest, only if paired with someone they think has more mainstream pull.

It's not that they don't value you, they clearly do.

But their pitch reads like, Chris is great, but we need a bigger name to make this episode pop.

That's an ego hit, especially when you're already doing huge numbers and have your own audience.

I wouldn't say huge.

But I do have my own audience.

And then they go, listen, this happens a lot in media booking.

They underestimate the size and loyalty.

Oh my god, it's giving you a pep tongue.

Yes, it says they underestimate

the size and loyalty of your fan base because they're chasing what they think looks good on paper.

You could absolutely carry that episode and probably pull higher engagement than some of the more established comics they're naming.

Well, not the two they've named.

They would definitely crush me in the numbers.

Oh my God.

Then I said,

then they go, here's a way you could respond that's professional, but also subtly flips the script.

And then they say, hey, totally get you want a paired episode, but honestly, I think we can make a strong one with just us.

My audience is super engaged, and I know they show up for it.

That's pathetic.

It wants you to grovel to that episode.

Yes.

If Shane or Theo can't make it work, I'm happy to still do the show and bring the energy.

Oh, they bring the energy.

So then you gotta stop.

So then, so then, and then I go, what would happen if I just didn't respond at all?

And then they they go, if you don't respond at all, you're sending one of two possible signals.

One, signal of disinterest, I'm too busy, power move.

Or a signal of passivity, easy to replace.

In this case, you'd lose this slot entirely without a fight.

Wow, they want you to fight for it, man.

They want me to fight for it.

So then, so then I...

You can't do it.

Don't listen to ChatGPT.

You can't do it.

So then I go, hey, can you give me a comedic way to respond to them by making, just because I know ChatGPT will send me something corny.

So they go, I said, but still give me power move.

They go, sure.

They go, hey, right back.

Pairing me with Shane or Theo sounds great.

I'm in if you can make that happen, but I'm not going to start stalking comics on Instagram like I'm a TMZ intern.

Oh.

If you can lock them in, I'll show up and be funny.

If not, I'm happy to come solo and still make a good episode.

Then they go, I can also give you a short one-line zinger version if you want to feel even breezier.

Let me see.

Sure.

Sure, give me that.

Hold on, let's see what they got.

Here's a quick zinger you could drop.

Happy to pair up, but I'm not running a dating service for comedians.

Wow.

Zinger.

Zinger.

Yeah, I mean, this is pathetic.

That's pathetic.

I mean, I imagine for you.

I'm on their side.

I am fully on their side.

I get it.

Going to ChatGPT was a good thing.

We got to stop that.

But hey, you know what?

At least I was vulnerable enough to tell the audience.

That's true.

That's what I think.

That's why I think

somewhere along the line, I do get man points back when I'll just tell everything that I've done.

It's true.

I'll be honest with everyone.

I'll be honest to everyone except my family.

Yeah.

And they'll find out about it through the podcast.

Right, exactly.

They'll find out about your darkest secrets through the podcast.

Yeah.

Yes.

That's fucking hilarious, dude.

So basically, bottom line is: I'm going to do the show.

Yeah, I'm going to do the show.

And I've contacted Shane and Theol's reps.

No, no, we just see in like a month, it's like you and Sal are doing the show.

Yeah.

It's just like,

do you want to do the show?

Should I ask if we can do stars?

No, man.

You don't even want to do it.

No.

Just because of the way they treated my friend Chris.

I'm going to share with that, dude.

Yeah.

Thank you.

It's ridiculous.

I love that I have morals and I'm standing up for myself here, but then I'll go to Saudi Arabia.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Dude, I mean, like, yeah, I'm wavering

if I should not go.

No, you're going.

You know you're going to go.

Just go, right?

So

I wouldn't go.

Well, there you go.

There you go.

And he's given us this podcast.

I know.

Look, we don't have to keep talking about it.

I don't even give it.

I just think there's certain.

Did we talk about it last week?

I think we've talked about it before.

Oh, all right.

I think so.

I think so.

Just because there's just certain, I mean, but at the same time, almost no entertainment money comes from a good place.

No.

But, you know.

It's like, do you want to take it from them or do you want to take it from someone who's probably assaulted, you know, millions of people?

Millions.

Yeah, I don't know who I'm even talking about.

Millions is crazy.

Yeah.

But yes, it is an industry propped up by sex criminals.

Sure.

And And we're part of it.

And war criminals.

And we're in there.

We're in it.

We're in it all.

We're in it.

I mean, all of society really is if we really get back to it.

Right.

Well, every, and that's too, like, sometimes when I think about, like, like I said earlier, I don't want to have a transactional relationship with any of my friends, but it's like everything, like, life is just, it's all transactional stuff, like, in some ways.

Some ways.

I think it's the part of the problem is that we've kind of been, we're conditioned to think that way, where it's like, instead of just being like, oh, it's my friend who I like to to be around and like whatever happened you know we're here for each other when we can support we can support it's like i do think unfortunately it we are kind of trained to assign value to people in essentially monetarily which is not how people have all kinds of different value and all you know you get there's things that you can get out of a relationship that are much different than can somebody help my career can somebody lead to me getting more money it's just like do i like being around this person how do i feel you know all that kind of shit i think that's all the community-based stuff and then also like you just do things because, like, that's the thing.

It's like a friend is just, ideally, friends and family are just people that are like, you are there for no matter what.

That's the whole point.

Everything else, you figure it out.

My father always says, family is important, even if you don't get along with them, because they're the only people that were chosen for you.

You didn't choose.

You just were born into this, and they're part of your sphere.

And there's really no, nobody knows why.

Yeah.

You're just, they were chosen for you.

So that's why they're big time important.

That's why you got to give your cousin money.

yeah no but but i think what you're saying is that i feel that like you know obviously you know we're all we're all every person is got a good and a bad side we're all kind of living in this yin and the yang duality

but i do feel that i very i do like i do not ever want to just reach out to someone and say i'm reaching out to you for like a friend like i would never just reach out to you to be like hey i'm checking in on you but also can you help me do this i don't want so that's why i was Text later, it's what it's you don't want to, you don't want to do to your friend what that exactly.

I don't want to be that.

I would never ask Shane or Theo that ever.

I mean, if they, if we did it all together, great, but it's like I would not, because I'm not going to do that.

I'm not going to get involved.

And people do that in our business all the time because there's a desperation in our business that's wild.

Yeah.

And so I'm like, I don't want to be part of that.

Yeah.

You know, I'm with you.

I think, I think, you know, you just got to.

The desperation is fucking hilarious how people would just be like,

I need this bed.

I need it.

But it's like, it's just like, even big social media has done that, where it's like everybody's, dude, I'm telling you, I think, I think, I don't know if we've said it here in this episode, but I have not been on social media for like eight weeks.

I have, you know, my guy, Brian a.k.

Lancelot, runs it and who's great.

So I'm still a part, you know, it's career, so I'll post videos on it, but I have not looked.

That's good.

And dude, the amount of happy, number one, you go, you get off your phone, they're added.

I mean, I'm still addicted to my phone, of course.

But that it just, yeah, I mean, I found a way to bring it on the podcast just talking for 20 minutes.

Yeah, tell me I'm a good comedian.

Yeah.

Tell me my life's good.

Tell me I'm going to be a good husband.

Yeah.

Even though I'm really scared.

Tell me I got the right house.

Should I sell it?

Well, if you've been, sorry, go ahead.

Well, so I'm saying, like, you know,

I feel like social media getting off it.

Like, I'm telling you, dude, I really believe even in these like past eight weeks, even if it would detrimental, like it would hurt my career in a very big way because we're all so linked to social media.

But if they banned social media, I'd be willing just for the good of society and my own family and whatever, I'd be fully willing to go back to becoming a physical therapist if it meant social media is gone.

Yeah, because it is so, it is so beyond bad for you.

There's how do you feel about that?

Yeah, I mean, there's always so many, like right now, the funniest thing because I've gotten unfortunately, I do have great calves, by the way.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I know we're talking about it, but they are stunning.

You do, I'm back on, unfortunately.

I've become re-addicted to my phone.

Okay.

And it is funny.

It is pathetic what

people get mad at.

Like right now,

the controversies of people just get people just want to be mad.

They're addicted to being mad.

It's so funny.

The newest thing that Republicans and conservatives are mad at is there's this really gay Minnesota Vikings cheerleader.

He's a male cheerleader.

Ben C.

See if you can pull this guy up.

He's hilarious.

Senor Spoon.

uh senor senorita spoon yeah um dude and they're mad they're like they're like oh can't believe this this is what and like they're like kevin sorbo the guy who played hardcore now does like i mean look at this guy he's fucking awesome

he looks fucking hilarious dude yeah that kind of that you know how like tom and burt did the girl filters that looks like me if i did right right look at those cheekbones and it's like it's like i'm sorry You're mad a male cheerleader is gay?

Yeah.

Like, what are we talking about?

Oh, what the hell?

I heard a softball coach is a lesbian.

Yeah.

It's like, what are we fucking talking about?

Male cheerleaders are gay as hell.

It's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, dude.

It's like, what do you think if they ever put on like a play about George Washington, the guys playing George Washington you think is straight?

Like, no, dude.

That guy will literally be reading, you know, documents from the colonial times with cum coming out of his butt on the stage.

So, like, I agree with you.

I mean, look, this is what gay guys are supposed to be doing.

Exactly what he cheerleaders.

He literally is.

He looks awesome.

This is top shelf gay.

This is a great gay leader.

Is he the first gay male?

Of course not.

There's thousands.

But it's interesting because I never even thought about this.

I thought NFL cheerleaders were only women.

They have NFL cheerleaders.

And look, there's probably straight guys, too, but it's like, you're telling me gay guys can't be cheerleaders?

Yeah.

What the fuck are we talking about?

How in the world is this?

Where do we want gay guys to go?

Yeah, seriously.

I think.

But I mean, I guess that is the problem.

They don't have to be a bad person.

But what is the issue?

What is the issue with this?

Like, they're saying like.

Just that a gay person is involved in football, I guess.

But it's like the guys tackling each other and then slapping each other in the butts after they score touchdowns is not gay i mean i'm sure there are gay guys in the locker room he's a gay nfl player on the raiders he's oh yeah yeah exactly carl naseeb right something like that yeah yeah exactly he's yeah but he's a gay muslim it sounds like yeah yeah right naseeb i think he i i don't know if he's a white muslim is he is a white muslim he's white interesting um but yeah it's like come look at this guy and tell me he shouldn't be a cheerleader of course he should i mean look at his hair look at his cute little fucking skin i actually like him on the left better with the longer hair than the right.

Even though I'm not sure.

I don't think that's the same guy.

Oh, there you go.

Maybe that guy's gay as well, but everyone's mad at the first guy with the long hair because he does do one gay guy, one awesome gay guy look that I love is like makeup and then facial hair.

Hilarious.

It's so awesome.

Yeah.

Like beautiful, sparkling eyes and like a little blush.

And then they got a mustache and people get so pissed off about it.

Yeah.

Look at him, dude.

Look at those fucking eyes.

Dude, this guy looks like I got a, I love it.

I got it.

I mean, you're getting, you 100%

would get your ass licked a couple times by this guy.

Oh, 1,000%.

I mean, I would argue that it's been licked before by him when I've been in the middle of the moment.

Yeah, yeah, look at this beautiful.

He honestly, to be honest with you, dude, and he looks to me like more feminine, like with the lips and eyes.

Like, I've definitely hooked up with girls who are closer to being a masculine.

Right?

Absolutely.

I would say this is a more, I've hooked up with girls who are more masculine than this.

100%.

You know?

So, like,

I I honestly dude to me the gay the having a problem with anybody or anything being gay is crap the only one that I can see the point is the women in sport is the men biological the transgender in sports only because I understand that it does affect the women I get that here's the thing about that is that Maybe at the absolute highest levels and if it's a combat sport, we can have a discussion.

But what's fucked up is most of this is kids that want to play sports.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

It's like,

I have friends who have nieces and nephews who are trans that want to play just softball or whatever to learn what it's like to be a team player.

I'm doing that stuff.

I'm in agreement on that.

And it's like, you know, that's, and that is way more of a problem.

And also, it's just not an issue.

There's not that many people.

I saw a tweet somewhere that was really funny.

It's like, there's more pictures of Donald Trump with Ghelane Maxwell than there are trans athletes in the NCAA.

It's like, this is the fucking, like, that is like the way people have made this a big deal.

And it's like, look, I'll even say whatever.

At the highest levels of competition, if we want to have, if we want to like talk about it on a case-by-case basis, that's one thing.

But by and large, it's another thing that's not a fucking problem that people make up because they just want, you know, they want someone who's weird to have a hard life.

Right.

I get, I totally, I understand that.

I get, I get kids, I've always been okay with that.

Like,

you got to learn camaraderie.

You got to learn teamwork.

The older, you know,

at a professional level or an Olympic level, it's like, you know, because I just think about like girls, you know, then it's like not fair for like actual like, you know, biological females if they're going to lose something.

Because the bottom, I'm going to look to.

Has that ever happened, though?

I mean, the one girl.

Julia Thomas is the one.

But then

she was fucking talking about it.

It was like in fifth place.

She sucked.

Right.

You know what I mean?

It's always people who are bad.

I would argue, if you're a real competitor, if you're like female Michael Jordan, you know how pissed.

Imagine Michael Jordan's a woman and Joanna Mann comes around.

I would love to see that.

Or like a trans.

It's like, and I took that personally.

You know what I mean?

Like, female Michael Jordan would beat by, you know, would beat, would try and beat trans,

trans, like, you know,

Law Malone or whatever.

I would love that.

That's, that's going to be a lot of people.

If you're a real competitor, go beat a trans woman.

You know what I mean?

If you're really about it.

Tiger Woods, if he was a chick, he'd be the fucking.

So when the first trans,

what is it, woman,

male to female goes, plays basketball, WNBA, that would be like the Jawanaman thing.

When that happens, like Dwight Howard comes out there, that's going to be the thing that's going to, it's going to get to the...

Because somebody's going to, by the way.

I think

there are already like

women who have kind of transitioned, who are sort of like non-binary

in the WNBA.

That might be the most queer-friendly league in the world.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, figure skating.

Yeah.

I feel like they got a lot of mean, straight girls in figure skating, too.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's.

And there might be weirdly like a straight, homophobic, like Eastern European.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Who's like, I must beat this fucking homos.

I might.

I will triple axle straight.

I will straightly beat these homosexuals.

I think it's one of those things.

You can't be a male figure skater and be straight because the moment you land a triple axle, they're like, that's gay.

Yeah, I don't know.

Just spinning around.

I don't know.

You might be able to fuck.

I mean, those girls are hot.

You're right in the mix.

It's like the theater.

It's like the straight theater kid.

Right.

You know what I mean?

There's so much ass.

Yeah.

Because like the,

you know, if I had a son, I would tell him, do an activity that everyone thinks is gay.

If you're straight, right?

I mean, dude, if you're gay and you just want to suck off all those theater boys, great.

Why the hell not?

But like, if you're straight, do theater.

Do like something.

Be the manager of like the girls' field hockey team.

Do something that they think gay guys do because now you are actually, first of all, you'll learn to be comfortable around women.

You'll have actual friendships with them.

And then someone's going to suck you off.

Whereas some of you are playing GameCube, you know what I mean?

Playing football.

There's no pussy to be gotten anywhere.

All the cool guys on the football team, they get pussy.

I had a friend who was 17 and had like, he was hooking up with like a 32-year-old mother, like mother of two.

He was like, but he was like one of those kids who's 17 17 and like, you know, has a fucking acura.

Gets that from single mothers.

Yeah.

He ended up playing a little bit in the NFL.

Like, he was like, fucking, you know, these guys are awesome.

Like, I'm competing with those guys.

Where it's like, I should have been in theater.

Yeah.

I should have been like getting sucked off.

And or be an anime kid.

Be a weird.

Go in a weird group because the weird kids suck and fuck in the ways where you're trying to like, when you're trying to be like popular, you're trying to win the regular game.

That's a fucking fool's errand.

If you're a young boy find a special interest with women and that way you will get your dick sucked and you will be more comfortable around women as you grow up dude I think that should be our merch for this someone's gonna suck you off

someone will suck you someone will suck you off

should be the merch yeah I mean dude I agree I agree and I feel like you know

yeah sorry no go ahead go ahead my only point and we don't have to actually make points

let's try though though.

It's really hard.

We're both pretty dumb.

Yeah.

And it just comes down to...

No, I want to be those comedians like we try to get serious and make points.

No,

what I actually think...

Tell me.

No, I don't give a fuck, actually.

I'm done making points.

You're right.

Making points is gay.

I hate points.

Dude, I told you.

I hate slipping into my real beliefs.

I just think we should be nicer to people overall.

There's a lot of people being dickheads and being

that it's just like, look, dude.

Gay people are hilarious and they're awesome.

People that are different than you make life better is really what it comes down to.

Sure.

You know what I mean?

Like, that's all.

That's the only.

And I hate that I even think about getting political because we're just in a weird time where it's like people are very rude to a lot of different types of people who have made my life better.

For no reason.

And by the way, the people.

100%.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm talking?

Like, just the cuisine, the cuisine that immigrants

and the arts that gay people have brought on to me.

Dude, the thing is, we can't have...

The world that you love so much is only here because we're all here.

Like we're all, everybody.

I would have never had ketamine.

100%, dude.

You know what I mean?

Dude, and they're just like fun, like, gay people, especially.

By the way, I love that it only took five episodes for the fans to 100% begin to start to hate us.

So, that's

a good question.

Thank you for understanding because we tried to throw the last one, right?

Right?

But we actually made it funny the whole time.

It got more views.

So, what we did, what we're doing, I tried the Trojan horse getting serious at the end.

Yes.

And being

having sort of like

left opinions yes on social comment it's like that's how we're actually gonna fucking burn this to the ground yes you know what I mean it's like that's like we tried by just having a bad episode this one pretty it's actually worse than the last one right and we made points and we made points and we started pontificating at the end yes and then the only thing left to do now is on the next and final episode let's just talk for an hour about the weeds of comedy just in and out comedy clubs make yeah make fucking we kind of did a little bit i talked about revision lounge make like make like specific

rooms that have been closed for years.

Well, let's talk about that.

And then the last 10 minutes, just cherry on top.

Let's talk about the vaccine.

That's just.

Ooh, that's good.

I'll piss everyone off.

I'll be like a social leftist with like anti-vax opinions.

Yes.

Talking about

how healthy America has been made now that there's no vaccines and now Coca-Cola is made with real sugar.

Right.

That's healthy.

I'm fat as shit, but it's like, it's still fucking shit.

You take the stance that Fauci isn't a war criminal.

Fauci's awesome.

Yep.

And we need gay women to box.

We need not just trans women.

I want men to be able to fight women in the Olympics.

Dude, by the way, I would say I got my VO2 Max tested yesterday.

Do you know what the VO2 Max is?

No.

So what the VO2 Max is, is you basically go, it is a test that...

According to like the leading experts now, you know, the research is always evolving, but they say this is the number one predictor of longevity.

If you have a high enough v02 max you know obviously anything can happen but like just from a cardiovascular type thing you will be okay because your heart can sustain it basically takes your heart to the highest level it can go and then based off is that when you have to jog with like the bane masks exactly they put the mask on so i did this test i got blood work they did all these tests whatever and so on the voting the guy running it was this great gay guy right he had like long he actually looked like the minnesota vikings cheerleader it might actually have been him but he was fun so he so he's fun i mean even because you know you're a little nervous Like, he's like, let me get this little mask on you.

You know,

he's like really flamboyant and fun.

So he's like, and then he's like trying to take, he's like, you have such a giant head as he's like tightening you.

I swear to God, he was like, I need to put my leg on something and give it a paw just to get this mask.

And then he goes, is the mask on?

He's just straddling you.

He's just sitting.

Yeah.

He's just sitting on you.

Yes.

He goes, is the mask on tight?

And I said, yeah.

I said, yeah,

it's on relatively tight.

And he was like, okay, good.

And then he'd like, just for like just to make sure he like pulled it and like strap like kind of like hit the strap off my head he was like i didn't need to do that i like to just have fun so he just fucking hit me so i get on the treadmill right and what the way it works is you warm up at 3.7 miles per hour oh gosh

the full sprint as far as i'm well no it's it's a it's like a lot it's like a walk it's a power i know what 3.7 is 3.7 so you do that for three minutes and four to me four is sprinting

so 3.7 and then you do that for for three minutes as like the warm-up and then every minute they go up 0.6.

0.6.

So it goes 4.3, you know, and then you keep.

I'm literally done after four minutes.

I'm not kidding.

So, no, well, so what they do is they, they, you know, obviously you keep going up, and then you basically have to hit a red button, but they can see like when your VO2 max is the highest.

And then, so, like, I went, you know, kept going, like, you know, pushed as hard as I could.

I almost blew out my Achilles.

Yeah.

But pushed as hard as I could.

And then.

What did you get up to?

I got actually up to 9.4.

I swear to go.

Or 9.

Whatever, one, whatever that map is so you were there for like seven minutes or so yeah so i actually moved my vo2 max into now into like the for 40 year olds the 90th percentile so but like but your vo2 max will be different and because you're younger than me right so it's like i moved it up but i've been trying to like work on that whatever so but anyway like it was just fun because he i i come off like you know he's like you know breathe whatever and then he's like yay He was like, I have good news and bad news.

What do you want first?

I was like, I guess the bad news.

He was like, I'm better than you.

He was like, you're not even close to me.

And I was like, okay.

He was like, but you want the good news now?

I was like, yeah.

He goes, for a 40-year-old, honey, you are fit.

And he goes, and he goes, you have legit zaddy energy on your VO2.

I swear to God.

He goes, you have Zaddy energy on that VO2 max, huh?

He was like, let's, and then it was fun because he was just like funny.

He was like, let's go over it.

The results.

And I was like, this is better than some like Russian doctor being like, I need to put you on statin.

Totally.

You need Bill.

This guy was like, let's go over it.

So he's like breaking it down.

He's like, what you can do better, what, you know, can't, whatever.

And then he goes, and then as I was leaving, this is why I just love, like, because they're just honest.

As I was leaving,

a person,

person who's coming in recognized me and was like, oh, you know, love, whatever.

And I was like, oh, thanks.

And then

the guy's like, wait a second.

No, I love that.

That's another very important thing with gay culture.

We need people to not respect us.

Well, well that what because they don't know who we are we're not famous in gay the gay community i need someone to judge me at the gym because when somebody recognizes me at the gym like you straight people are like hey Even if they don't know me, they're like a fat guy in the gym.

Yeah.

They tip their cap.

Someone who knows me is like, hell yeah.

Gay people are pissed.

Pissed.

Just jacked gay dudes.

I went to the Hollywood, the West Hollywood, like crunch.

Yeah.

And the contempt that I saw from gay men.

They were like, how dare you take up this machine, you hog.

And And I need that.

I need to feel that.

I also love the openness too of gay men.

I remember one time I was at a Best Buy, and the guy who was helping me pick out a TV was like a flamboyant gay guy.

And then the same thing happened.

Somebody recognized me, and he was like, Oh, what are you doing?

I was like, I'm a comedian.

He was like, Oh my God.

He was like, Do you know my favorite comedian?

And I was like, Mateo Lane.

And he was like, Yeah, how did you guess?

I was like, you know, figured you were a fan of his, whatever.

And then he goes, Do you know him?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, he was a good friend of mine.

And I was like, He's probably one of the most talented guys I've ever met.

He goes, I blew him once in Chicago.

I swear to God.

And then he just sent that to me, which is like, my family's there.

And then just pivots.

He's like, So, do you want the insurance package on this?

You should get a warranty.

These things do break.

It's a Visio.

Incredible.

But then the guy who my VO2 Max says, he, you know, the other person, whatever, recognizes me.

And then he goes, I'm like, all right, are you someone?

Are you famous?

And I was like, well, I'm not famous.

I was like, I was like, and then the other guy recognized me.

He was like, no, he's a well-known comedian.

I was like, tell that to the freaking complex.

And then he goes, and then the guy, and again, this is what I love.

There's no bullshit at all.

He goes, I don't know you.

And I got to be honest with you, comedy isn't for me.

And I was like, unnecessary.

Unnecessary.

Like, oh, cool.

Just give me an oh, cool.

Unnecessary, but honestly,

the honesty, like, I forgot your name, sir, but I love you.

I love what you did.

You're freaking awesome.

Good for you, man.

90th percentile VO2.

90th percentile VO2 max.

And he said, and the only thing he he said to me because i had lost i've lost like 11 pounds he was like you've lost 11 pounds great work he goes but you still do have a little bit of extra fat on your hips yeah so he just was like yeah he was like you you are still kind of built like a stepmom yeah you know another yeah that's what gay guys bring what lesbians bring uh pants that fit my body type you know what i mean button-downs that are meant for generous hips yes you know so we're all getting you know it's one big beautiful world dude shout out every community i mean i i guess just being also being raised in New York City, like it's tough to hate a group.

You just realize how silly it is because we've grown up in like this melting pot.

It's so dumb to be like, oh, you don't like them for what reason?

It's also too, literally, I'm talking about a week ago, which is crazy.

My group chat, you know, with the ongoing war or whatever in the in the Middle East and Israel and Palestine and all that stuff,

because of social media.

Right, yeah, yeah, I know.

I don't know.

So it's quite fair.

It's quite a fair fight.

I know.

I got such a divided home.

War is kind of unfair to the Palestinian.

And it's tough for me being a father through all this because I got a 10-year-old and a four-year-old.

My 10-year-old's pro-Israel.

The four-year-old's pro-Palestine.

So I got to just the other four-year-olds.

You got a 10-year-old Zionist?

Yeah.

A Puerto Rican.

My Zionist fully in Hamas going to daycare.

So, so, but, but, um, just...

Like a week ago, dude, one of my boys was like, because, you know, with social media and out to X or whatever, you know, you see the real videos.

He goes, he sends to the group chat something to the effect of, oh, it's crazy.

You've seen these videos out of Palestine?

Like, these people are like people like us.

It's like,

yeah, it's like they're going to school.

Totally.

And anywhere, anywhere you go from the Middle East to any war going on, it's like, yeah, dude, it would be as if there's bot, like they're no different.

They have the same brain.

It would be as if.

Your building is getting bombed or like your family just got killed in a active war zone.

So it's like, it's the same thing.

We just are so privileged and blessed to be here.

It'd be like if your family was trying to get food and somebody just shot you in the fucking head.

It would be just like that.

You know what I mean?

It would be like you falling into a trap that an evil occupying force is setting for you.

Dude, I got to be honest, man.

And after all the way that we just ended that, if you are still listening to the podcast, you're the problem.

This had to have done it.

We've done this.

There's everything we've done to get you out of here.

This had to have done it.

We're doing one more because we are contractually obligated.

If you thought this was bad, just wait till next week.

Oh, right.

Just wait till next week.

Thank you for watching.

It's the Summer Bears episode five, and we will see you next week for an all-politics no-joke episode.

Absolutely.

Don't forget to get vaccinated, kids.

Chris and Stallby, Stalby Chris, neither grows a beard, and they both wear shirts.

Stallby's a Greek, and Chris is a gay, and some may say the the show is better this way.

Here's what we call

Two Bears, one K.