2 Bears, 1 Happy Ending w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to yet another summer two bears, one cave episode.

I'm Chrissy, that's Stavi.

That's right.

We're here.

We're chilling.

We have a.

I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey.

That's a Daryl.

I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey.

Stavros has got that flower shirt on, so you know one thing and one thing only.

We're both doing cocaine.

Yeah.

We're dressed like the boys of summer in two ways right right now.

Absolutely.

No, you are looking good.

I do love Daryl Strawberry.

I also, I was hoping this wouldn't be as tight.

You know when you put on a shirt and you only put it on standing?

Right.

And then you realize, oh, I'm going to be sitting in this for an hour.

Yeah, but dude, but I've told you this before.

You pull off.

Just a little of this.

But I know it might not feel good for you, but it looks good on you.

Thank you.

That's all it is.

That's another thing.

It's more about, you know, I, you know, I've just, I need to, I'm going to lock in.

Listen, episode five, folks, you're going to see me.

You're going to be like, who the hell is this guy?

Yeah.

Who the hell is this guy?

Who is

three pounds?

Yeah, dude.

I think that you look good in it.

And I feel like we're now, this is the fourth episode.

We're now settling in.

We have taken over the show for the first whole month of summer.

Wow.

And I feel like, I feel like this is becoming our thing.

And I feel like

we're stepping into the stride here.

Okay.

You know, Tom and Bert are sending in videos that we're now ignoring.

We used to comment, we used to put them on the show, but now they're sending them in and we're just ignoring them.

We're like, sorry, we gotta, we have very important topics to discuss.

Yeah, we got to talk about the ways Chris nuts.

Yeah, you know, I'd love to get more about Daryl Shaw.

I mean, you want to talk about a legendary team.

That Mets team doing cocaine, getting their dick sucked in the dugout.

Oh, it's amazing.

I'm sure you've seen that documentary about that flight they took after they beat Houston.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, Lenny Dykstra nails just having.

Dude,

the 86 Mets once, I was at a game when they came back to be honored and the whole team was there.

I'm like, we were in the stands and we could kind of like see where they had them sitting.

And I mean, Dykstra was falling over.

He still was,

I mean, just 10 out of 10 drunk.

Now he'll do people's podcasts, but you got to pay him.

Interesting.

Ian Fin Dance.

He did Ian Fin Dance podcast and then he was done with like B and Ian, and he was like, where's my 120 bucks?

Yeah, and then Ian was like, what?

And he said to pay him out of his pocket.

I'm sorry, man.

I don't have it right now.

He was just sitting there in a mumu.

Yeah.

Wow.

Two minds.

Ian Fidance v.

Fidance v.

Dykstra.

Yeah.

It's the like.

It's Frost Nixon of our day.

Dude, because

Lenny Dykstra was certainly the hero of the Delaware water gap.

So I'm sure that Ian must have really looked up to him.

Absolutely.

I met one of your heroes, Cal Ripken.

Whoa.

Did I really do?

Okay, so this is, so I got asked to open up some

like political, you know, like shit.

This was 2015, maybe?

Okay.

It was like some political fundraising thing in D.C.

They were like benefit, whatever.

They asked me to do five minutes of comedy, and this was before the whole scandal went down.

Kevin Spacey.

It was the Kevin Spacey Foundation.

And it was Cal Ripken and and Kevin Spacey.

Wow.

And dude, we were in there.

Two at the time, straight men.

Yep.

You know, Spacey didn't

brilliant move being like, I'm actually gay.

Right.

I mean, you got to respect him trying to be like, hey, you're an abuser.

You're like, but I'm gay.

Come on, baby.

Yeah.

Trying to throw.

It's like, just like, you actually can't play that reverse card.

That's not powerful enough.

Yeah.

And so, and so, but I will tell you, I do think even back then, he did, because I remember Jasmine.

He's trying to suck your dick.

well i yeah he did not tried

he succeeded you're like can i be in house of cards season seven yeah

show's been off the air three years he's like yes yes do what i say chris yeah frank yeah and so and so he mama that's a nice mouth you got there mr di stefano

he so so but jasmine even said when we were in the green room with him she was like he's a little weird and i was like i thought he was a nice guy yeah she's like yeah but he keeps putting his hands on your shoulders and massage you know it's like he told me he's calming me down.

I got a big show.

And then I remember, but I actually liked him

for the one day I met him.

I was like, this guy's actually pretty cool.

He did tell me.

I feel like pathetic you are.

Yeah, he did.

Post-cancellation, you're like,

not a bad guy.

You might have some juice in the industry.

Yeah.

I could see him.

Comeback's coming.

How's the card season two?

But

he said to me, you know, he was like, oh, I'll find you after the show.

And I'll find you after the show.

And, like, you know, we can like hang out, whatever.

That must have been flattering because he liked twinks.

Yeah.

And you've struggled with your body image issues for years.

So a guy who likes to fuck

teenagers wanting to fuck you, that must have felt good.

Yeah, it felt good.

I felt well.

I was having one of my skinny months.

Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

And so, but Cal Ripken, dude, first of all, he's got the bluest eyes, like baby blue, where it's like actually, like, it's stunning where you're like, what is what with your eyes, dude?

Like, are you like from Iceland or something?

Yeah, yeah.

And so, but he tells me he goes he's like dude i i don't know how you can do stand-up comedy i'd be so nervous i was like you broke lou gehrig's record yeah and he goes yeah but baseball he's like i'm playing a sport he's like it's not all on me it's like a team game he was like i just got to do my little parts and i was like no no cal what you you've broke lou gehrig's

bless you you broke lou gehrig's like record yeah i'm going up there doing five of the hackiest minutes because they told me I have to be clean and I can't make fun of Puerto Ricans and I can't do my barrel of tricks.

So I'm just gonna go up there like a hack fest to open up the show and then bring up Kevin Space, who's gonna try to peg me.

And you, like, what you've done is like amazing.

And he literally couldn't get over.

Like, wow.

And then he watched me and he was like, I can't believe you couldn't even get it.

And he watched you and he's like, never mind.

He's like, yeah, you know what?

You're right, man.

I see it.

I broke Lou Gehrig's record.

He's like, you look like you're just doing comedy with ALS.

Yeah, they're going to name a fucking brain disease after you.

They're going to name a type of Down syndrome, Distefano's disease.

Distefanos disease.

Yeah, what is it?

Garrick's

disease.

ALS.

Amyotropic lateral scrulerosis.

What a sick disease that is.

It's like, so ALS,

you have like upper motor neurons and lower motor neurons.

So it's basically like ALS.

It's one HD Christian.

Dude, it's one of these things because it's like terrifying when they teach you

the physiology of it all, where you're like, oh my God, because polio is a lower motor neuron disease.

That's why it just messes really with your legs.

Interesting.

But, like, and you know, we got a cure.

And listen, FDR showed us you can still be in a wheelchair getting your dick sucked on the sneak.

100%.

You know what I mean?

Polio, not so bad.

You can still set up a nuke for deploying.

Yelp does this.

Harry Trillium launch it.

Your lesbian cousin wife is in the White House.

You're getting your dick sucked in the hot springs.

100%.

It ain't so bad.

It ain't so bad.

FDR proved it.

Americans are the best.

So,

but

the ALS is terrifying because it's an upper motor neuron and lower motor neuron disease.

So it means like the upper part of your, you know, upper body and lower body.

But it's like, what happens is, is like there's a thing around your nerves called the myelin sheath.

And it's basically like if your nerves are like a highway, the myelin sheath is like the car that's like driving on the highway.

And then when with ALS, the myelin sheath, the car starts to deteriorate.

So like your nerves are like, the pathway is working, but you can't, like, tell your arm to move.

Even though, because, like, the car, you don't have a car, or you can tell it to move, but it's so, it's like you're walking.

So, it's like, move, and then your arm will go like that.

Damn.

Right.

And then, but the thing that's terrifying about it, and so I, you know, no cure.

Nobody knows how it happens, how you even get it.

They think now it's a little bit linked to like head trauma, at least some parts of it, because an alarming amount of like boxers and NFL athletes start to get ALS because of like concussions and all that stuff.

They They think, but I don't know if it's been like proven, proven yet.

But like, you know what's happening to you.

Like, your brain isn't affected.

So it's like your lungs and arms, and like, like, you know, like Stephen Hawkin is a perfect example.

Like, he was still a brilliant scientist on Epstein's Island getting blown, creating like new Pythagorean theory.

He's on his wife in a wheelchair, can't even move.

But his bot, so he, you're like, what do you think?

He had like, could his, was he fingering clips like it was the wheelchair thing?

Yeah.

You think he would just be like, bring your pussy right here.

Like Professor X.

So, so, but that's what.

That riff was about him cheating with an overage woman, let me be clear.

Yes.

We're not riffing about

stuff.

We are not riffing about it.

I do not think that's right.

Epstein did not kill himself.

Release the files, President Trump.

Yes, release the files.

Ridgewood is up in arms.

Yes.

You're threatening to lose your most racist idiot base.

Yeah.

Throw the

out.

That's how you know it's bad.

We We voted to see the Epstein files.

I'm a one-issue voter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I want to know how much pussy from children Bill Gates got.

I mean, it's even getting.

And if you don't tell me that, President Trump, we are true.

The president of Greenland has said, Trump, we'll give you the country if you just release the Epstein files.

Remember when you wanted us?

You can have all our land.

Just release it.

Just tweet it.

Yeah.

So anyway, let's finish up our ALS discussion.

So

it's just a scary disease When you learn about, like when I was going through physical therapy school,

you're saying your mind knows what's going on.

Yes, it's like, and when you learn about, and that's also what blows your mind too, is like when I would start doing like these clinical rounds, like when I was in school, like you'll be at, like, I was doing one at like NYU, like the, you know, like the neurological floor, and you're like treating a kid that's like your age, that just like had some wild disease happen.

And you're like, oh my God.

So I don't know why we need to get into vision on a comedy podcast.

Sometimes I like to just throw a red.

What I like to do is just kind of cool off.

This shows have a little momentum.

Yeah.

We don't want, let's be clear.

We don't want this to be successful.

No.

This is a bullshit part-time summer job.

Remember when you were 14 and you would work in a fucking lemonade stand, an ice cream stand or some shit for a little spending money?

That's what we're doing here.

Yeah.

So we've decided bad episodes.

Yes.

This is a Google Louie G's Italian Ices.

We're going to do depressing ALS talk.

We're going to, you know, we'll read comments.

Yeah.

We're going to play a video from Bert, which you guys seem to hate.

Yes.

It seems like Bert fucked all your moms or something.

I don't even, I don't know what's going on in this podcast, but you all hate him.

I don't know.

So we're going to play a video from him.

We're trying to stop any momentum that our

so let's be clear.

This is like when your mom is dating a guy, and he gets you a ninja, he gets you a Power Ranger's action figure so that you'll play with it so he can fuck your mother.

Right.

And you think he loves you.

No.

Yeah.

He just wants the time to go by fast.

Yeah.

So don't start getting feelings from us.

We're not sticking around.

We're not sticking around.

Here's how committed we are to making sure this episode is awful.

We want you to stick around to the end because the last five minutes, I'm going to massage Scotty.

Yeah, that's our big teaser.

I'm going to pop my top.

I'm going to take my shirt off.

I did sign a contract where the fat guy does have to show his nipples at least once on this podcast.

Basically, they were looking for a guy with an annoying laugh who was willing to take his shirt off.

That's how I got this one off.

And so the contraction

we are going to fulfill that.

So that's our big OnlyFans tease.

Wait till the last five minutes.

Chris is going to prove he's a physical therapist.

I have a crick in my neck.

He's going to see if he can get rid of it.

I'm going to see if I can get rid of it.

And I'm going to, by the way, that counts as the hour.

So we are, like I said, a bad episode, phoning this one here.

We might even do some current event stuff about things that happened when you're listening four weeks ago.

We haven't decided yet.

We're going to see how it feels.

We have places to be.

I have an exterminator to see.

Chris probably has to go to court again.

I have to go to court again.

I have movers coming.

And that's why we want to talk about the shocking death of Hulk Hogan and Ozzie Osborne.

Who could have seen those two going?

Two of the healthiest men with the sharpest minds left.

Dude, this shirt is a true classic.

I'm telling you.

You look great.

Dude, it literally frames your body.

Like, people have been saying.

it's hiding that guy.

You look jacked and you are not in good shape.

Right, exactly.

That is a beautiful t-shirt.

So people have been saying to me, like, all weekend, I had some show, I was in Winnipeg.

Shout out, Winnipeg.

And

people were like, like, five-year people, like, dude, you're jacked.

Like, you're a more jacked in person.

That was true classic t-shirts.

That's all true classic.

That's all it is.

You don't even have to work out.

Just throw in true classics.

This shirt, it just fits tight on the arms.

What it does is it fits like it frames this up top, like guys have broader shoulders, but then it gets loose at the bottom.

It's a little tent.

I also, also, when I'm not wearing gas station t-shirts like I do, you're not dressed like you're going to a fish concert.

I actually also am a true classic guy.

And even speaking, now, these are the two things it can do for you.

We are the two types of bodies that watch two bears.

Yes.

Secretly fat,

but

to the eye, maybe could be jacked, and incredibly obese.

Yeah.

And for both of us, it knocks you into one level hotter than you are.

You look jacked.

And when I wear True Classic, I get the like, have you lost weight?

Haven't.

Right.

But you always get that look.

It tents your fat little belly.

The fabrics are nice.

I really enjoy True Classics.

They are a go-to for me.

They're my new like basic fee.

Then I'll be completely upfront.

They first, you know, they were advertising a lot on podcasts.

I'm sure you've heard a lot of ads for True Classics.

So I got them sent to me.

And then I love the way they fit that I literally have like maybe 30 True Classic t-shirts.

I bought them all.

I mean, and I forgot to even use them.

Yeah, and I I forgot to even use my promo code.

So guys,

use this promo code right now.

You can find them at Target Costco or

at the trueclassic.com slash bears to try them for yourself.

Now, folks,

no one really plans for hair loss.

They don't.

Right?

You don't want it to happen.

You think my friend Debo wanted to start balding at 18?

Wow, that's tough.

Look, I myself have experienced some of it.

Now, you don't, I'll be honest with you.

You don't got what it takes to rock balding hair, most of you out there.

No.

Okay.

No, dude.

This takes a psychic toll.

People look at me.

If they don't know I'm a comedian, this is, I get the widest range.

If you know me, people treat me with like respect.

You know, if they're a fan, a woman might even sleep with me.

100%.

But when people have no idea who I am, I'm treated like the scum of the earth.

They spit in my face.

I've had waitresses, when I was toothless and bald, I had waitresses laughing at me.

Right.

You know, when I would say it was so, the point is, you don't want this life.

No.

It takes too much.

It takes a toll.

Only certain people can pull off looking like a founding father.

That's right.

And you can't do it.

And that's what we have today: our pals at HIMS are going to save you from this

wretched existence that I live every day.

I have to do it.

I'm an entertainer.

I need a thing.

You're a guy at a bank.

You're a guy at an office.

You can't have this hair.

Okay.

What you need is to take the next step with confidence, access treatments with clinically proven ingredients like finasneride and minoxidil to stop hair loss and regrow hair in three, thank you, brother, in three to six months.

No waiting rooms, no hoops, just ingredients like a track record of results.

HIMS offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments.

You know, you'll get it quick.

You'll regrow your shit in three to six months.

Love it.

You know, everything is 100, you have 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first.

No hidden fees, no surprise costs, just real personalized care on your schedule.

And listen, I might even, you know what, you know what?

Come check us out in a month.

Maybe I'm signing up for Him's hair and you're going to see.

I mean, I can't even fathom how powerful I would be.

Dude, you would look if I had a regrow, if I had an actual just like, no, I mean, first of all, we'll see how powerful him is.

You want to catch this fast.

Yeah.

Hims might actually put a disclaimer on this.

Be like, we actually can't save Stoppy, but we can save you.

We can save you.

So for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ED weight loss.

Now,

they've said everything.

I know we're talking about hair.

Why at the end are you just attacking me, him?

So, to personalize and affordable care for hair loss, E.D.

weight loss, and more, visit him.com slash bears.

That's him.com slash bears for your free online visit.

Hymns.com slash bears.

Individual results may vary based on studies of topical inural monoxidone finasteride, prescription requires, see website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information.

Boom.

Yeah, so we're coming to you live from mid-August

when, yeah, Hulk Hogan passed away, you know, July 4th.

And we thought now is the good time to talk about Shane-hosted the Espies.

And, yeah.

So, all right, we'll do, like we said,

we do, as much as we are going to have a bad episode, we do want to, our dear producer Benson Spoon has put together some comments.

So, you know, we're going to just check in.

Sure.

Again, we're coasting to the finish line.

That's it.

We're over halfway.

100%.

Two more episodes after this.

So we want to see, you know, what some suggestions.

Yeah.

What we can do.

We're like the team that's already made the playoffs, and we're just resting our best players.

We're just resting our best shows.

We haven't made the playoffs.

We're tanking to get a number one pick.

We're waiting to get a number one pick.

We're sitting our guys.

We're outsourcing,

talking to internet internet conferences.

That's a good point.

We're putting ourselves on the bench, but we're going to read what you have to say.

Right, in an effort to get YMH out of the mud,

we're tanking the show on purpose so YMH can draft Shane and Matt McCoffner to save this thing.

No, you get rights to Shane's firstborn child.

Oh, I would love,

like,

actually, you get rights to Matt's daughters.

Oh, totally.

Some wild conspiracy theorists, girl podcasts.

If he puts those,

the way like you know, guys put their kids, football players put their kids in sports, Matt better put his daughters into conspiracy podcasts.

I love it.

Because that will be, if you can merge Call Her Daddy and, you know, fucking Matt and Shane and, you know, and Truanon and all this stuff, perfect.

Now we're thinking.

All right.

Okay.

Here are what we have from.

This is from Nivek 1590.

Go ahead.

Stav, you apologize for interrupting.

You have already improved to bear.

So hello off.

Okay.

Here you go.

Very good.

Bar is low.

I guess guess because Bird interrupts all the way up to the bottom of the bottom.

I suppose they say, I guess.

All right, good.

See, this isn't good.

Next year.

Yeah, yeah.

These are too positive now.

Come on, Spoon.

Stop working on your guitar rips.

Here we go.

Be more racist.

That's the name.

Here it is.

You're letting down your bass.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, because there was a couple of times earlier in the show where Stav was like, oh, we're not going to get into making fun of the Chinese.

I was like, I thought that's why I was here.

I thought that's why I lost my gig on Netflix.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is why.

I know.

I remember.

Great story.

Thank you.

A bin fong into the duck duck sauce.

All right.

Okay, Death by the way.

Temple racist.

We'll try.

We will try.

Mike Jenkins, 8333.

They are doing so well.

It should be renamed One Greek, One Gay for the rest of the summer or however long hiatus is.

Filming two blockbuster movies.

I cannot wait.

YMH for Lai.

All right.

So that was like one of those ones where it's like, good, bad, good, bad.

So I think this is actually a genuine fan.

Filming two blockbuster movies, I I cannot wait.

I was expecting people to be calling me fat, saying, Shut up, stuff.

No, I don't think, I don't think Chris, you're straight, right?

Right, two bears, two bears fans.

But see, the thing is with this, I don't know if filming two blockbuster movies, I cannot wait.

I don't know if they're being sarcastic or that's genuine.

And they think we're gonna do movies, yeah, because I'm not, I got very close to be playing Ann Hathaway's love interest in the Devil Wears Prada 2.

Get the fuck out of here.

I swear to God, dude, and then it was just revealed that I can't act.

Yeah, Wow.

Dude, literally, like, so close from my agent was telling me, like, my agent was like, you're close.

And then, and then it was.

Do you know who got the part?

I don't.

That's going to devastate you when you find out.

I know.

It's going to be like Killian Murphy.

Oh, I'm like, damn.

But they said they go, they go, you know, if not that I'm a horrific actor, but they were like, to be the love interests.

Like, we were, you think.

You need a little more rain.

But the part was for a moment.

Hey, Chris, you keep pulling your eyes back and making,

we won't even say the noises, but they end with I-N-G and O-N-G.

You can't say we don't like that.

Well, the problem is with that is like, you know, we just wanted you to like, you know, if you could have like acted in the role a little bit better.

I'm like, the role, literally, her love interest is a construction worker from Queens.

So I'm like, I was just being me.

Yeah.

Like talking like me.

But it was one of those ones where like the my agent like let me down.

It was like, they said you were great.

Whereas probably like immediately they were like, no.

You didn't get close.

In fact, there was no audition.

Your agent gave you a fake self-tape to boost your confidence.

Well, here's why I don't believe my agent.

Here's why I don't think, here's why I'm in full agreement with you, and I don't think I got close.

Because after I, you know, it was on Zoom, obviously,

nobody does casting in person anymore.

And they, and they, and they, uh,

after the first take, she goes, that was great.

I have no notes.

So, and then she was like, let's just do one more just for, just for fun, let's do one more.

And then I did the second one.

She was like, Chris, great.

And then it was, the audition was over in like 90 seconds or like two minutes.

And it was one of those things

where I said, I said to Jess, because I was still being very positive.

And that's why I love Jasmine, because she's very much just like, tells me the truth, whether it hurts or not.

I go, I just did two, like they said they had no notes.

And she was, and she literally put her hand on my shoulder.

She was like, I really, I have faith that it's really good news.

She's like, but honey, I want you to be prepared that that could be really bad because they may have just noticed immediately that you're not right for the part.

And then I kind of like immediately, like, I initially got like angry with her, and then she just kept her hand on my shoulder.

She's like, honey, I love you.

We're all proud of you no matter what.

But I don't want you to sit here and mope around if you don't get it.

I want you to set realistic expectations.

And then she gave me a kiss on my forehead and then went back to cleaning the house.

Wow.

And she couldn't have been more right.

She's a good woman who's correct.

She was correct.

Because she was like, you know.

No notes.

No, no.

No disrespect.

There's probably a couple notes.

I literally was asking ChatGPT.

I was like, what does that mean?

And then ChatGPT's response was, it went,

that's a tough one.

Yeah.

Because it didn't know, and it was an immediate no.

Yeah, ChatGPT is like, don't worry, you will not have to cancel any road dates.

That's like when I didn't get the, that's like when I auditioned for Bradley Cooper's movie that he's doing about comedy.

And I auditioned for that too, also didn't get it?

Well, yeah, my agent calls me and says, Bradley saw it, said, you're just too well known for the part.

I was like, that's a lie.

Yeah.

That's a hundred percent lie.

So I, again, not a good actor, not a good enough actor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all right.

But it actually comforts me that you didn't get it.

Yeah, there you you go.

But you act, but the difference is you actually get roles.

You're in great entires.

You're in movies.

I've gotten nothing.

You've never acted in anything?

I've gotten one thing called Benders in IFC with me and Andrew Schultz.

It was in 2015.

It lasted half a season and got canceled.

Okay.

And then the only other role I've played was in like Trump Administration.

Yeah.

A made-for-TV movie where the title of my character was Staten Island Douchebag, where I throw the guy who played The Hobbit, Mark

Freeman.

Yes.

I throw him off the BQE.

Okay, that's fun.

They had to keep asking me to do.

We were there.

What was supposed to take an hour?

Took close to six hours because they asked me to imprompt some lines as I'm throwing them off.

And one of the lines I improv, I threw off, I was like, you fucking Hobbit.

And they were like, you can't call him the character from his old movie where

we're in a different universe.

He's not the guy.

That's not.

He has nothing to do with the Hobbit.

And I can't.

I threw him off.

Yeah, I threw him.

And I have one of them.

I was like, go back to Narnia, you fucked up.

I was like, wait, wait, wait, right, right, right, right, right.

Like, at least technically, it's not the movie he was in, but it's still kind of making a reference to it.

Yeah, you can't do it.

So,

so, but that, yeah, so that, uh, I don't know why I brought that up, but also Blockbuster movies.

Yeah, there you go.

Two Barrett.

I will not be able to do that.

I'm not in Double Wears Prada, too.

Right.

Yeah.

I hope it goes to Bo and Yang.

Just like

just like a gay Chinese guy.

Yeah.

All right.

This is from Megan Ferguson 4122.

She said, Great substitute teachers.

Why not try to come up with a different theme song for Tom and Bert by the end of the summer or one starring YouTube?

Well, we did, right, John?

Got a theme song?

We got a theme song.

Let's see it.

Let's listen to it.

Let's see what we got here.

This is from, you know, It's Better Not Sound Like Beautiful Things by Benson Boone.

Chris and Starve,

Starve and Chris, neither grows beard and they both wear shirts.

Starvey is is green and Chris is gay.

Everyone knows the show is better.

This one, here's what we call.

Two bears, one can.

This is fun.

I like the banjo.

It's making me think like we're just, you know,

the opening of the show should be that song and then you just plowing me like we're in deliverance.

I know they did highlight my lack of a beard here.

Okay.

You got something going.

I got a little

I can't, I have medically rosy cheeks.

I don't know what happened.

Do you shave your legs?

I don't shave my legs.

See, look, we're similar that way.

I don't have.

Oh, look at my compression socks.

I don't have any hair in my legs either.

Wow.

See, that's interesting for people.

You accuse me of

shaving, but I don't know what happened.

I don't have any hair in my legs or arms.

I'm not very hursuit.

No.

And for a Greek, I mean, my brother, one of my brothers is like...

Jacked, right?

Well,

he's strong as fuck, fuck, but he's hairless.

He's pretty hairless, and the other one, my boy, is carpeted up.

Yeah.

My dad, too, thick layer.

So you got in between.

You got kind of the best of both of them.

I got a little in-between.

Because you don't want to be a Sphinx cat, but you also want to look like you have a hair turtle.

I would like a little more hair, to be honest.

I think you got good hair.

You know what you frame nice?

The chain and the hair is nice.

Thank you.

You got a good length chain, because any longer would look weird, but you got a good length.

Thank you, brother.

I appreciate that.

Looks like a Baltimore special.

Yeah, yeah.

This is the one do, I do like a little

fuck, my Diet Coke.

You're right.

I might need you to burp me.

I can do it.

God damn it, dude.

I sucked that Coke down too fast.

Oh, there you go.

I feel like a little baby.

That felt good, dude.

Love it.

I would like to get burped by a large woman.

Yeah.

Sometimes, and I don't have a, I don't, I don't have like a baby fetish, but the idea of like a large woman burping you and then like maybe even washing you sounds pretty nice to me.

Yeah, I like that, you know?

I like,

I thought, I mean, I don't have any like weird fetishes, like foot fetishes or anything like, I mean, other than obviously on last episode, I said I would predominantly like to have sex in my mother's room.

Right, right, right.

But I,

other than that, I don't even like when I'm watching porn.

I don't even like like when the woman's in like lace

bras and stuff.

Like, I just want you butt naked.

I kind of agree with that.

Right?

Like, I don't like when you're in an outfit, in other words.

I like if you're dressed.

I like.

I think traditional lingerie is a very, you have to be in a very specific mood.

It almost feels old-fashioned.

Yes.

But I like,

like, I will, I would like some athletic, some athleisure.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like,

I'll watch porno set in the gym, for example.

Yeah.

It is work trying to be healthier.

The hardest thing is to be a good citizen and not

like getting hard when someone's got a highlighter pink sports brawn and big-ass titties bobbling.

Yeah, there's like that I was I was in LA there was literally like

an Asian with an Asian lady with like humongous breasts and then like a goth latina that was tatted up with a fat ass and they were literally I was doing like the lat pull down and they were on either side there was like you know tables.

Yeah, and so I just have to be like don't look at her tissue look at her ass and look at her tissue.

You're a good guy.

You're not a predator.

You're not a fight.

You're not getting horny at the gym.

But it was the hardest thing.

And then, you know, you walk home and you're like, would have been awesome if those girls could have sucked me off at the same time.

Yeah.

And I'm a human being.

I'm flesh and blood.

You're right.

Sue me for having those thoughts.

I didn't bother them.

That's the thing.

I just thought it would have been cool to get double sucked by that.

But that's the thought, because the thought, those thoughts used to paralyze me where I'd be like, shit, I'm only going to be alive once.

I got to go talk to that girl.

I got to say something to her.

I got to try to invite her to a show, like whatever.

But now I just say to myself, oh, me wanting to have sex with the both of them, that's for me, not for them.

They don't need to know about that.

Sure.

I know about that.

That's a little treat for me.

I know about that.

And I'm going to have sex with my loofah in the shower.

And I'm going to think about them.

And there's nothing they could do about that because I've mental snapshot image them.

You've decided, ma'am, to walk out in public.

So now I can take snapshots of you.

You decided to work out like a whore.

Yes.

And now I deserve to jack off to you in the press.

You want to have tattoos, have a fat ass, and be Latina.

Those are three big check marks for me.

So now you're in my brain forever, and there's nothing you can do about it.

And you'll pop out periodically, and I'm sorry.

Yeah.

And that's just the social contract you make with the world when you step outside.

That's a good point.

Some might be jacking off to us.

That's fine.

It's men.

It's all men for sure.

But I appreciate it.

Well, I'll tell you what, though, dude, because we think it's only men listening to podcasts.

And I think that's still majority true.

I got stopped.

I was on the Long Island Railroad.

L-I-R-R, babe.

L-I-R-R.

One One of the,

I'm telling you, like, when, like, one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life, like, like, I'm talking about from movie actresses to all the sh, like, I'm talking about gorgeous.

She was, like, I think Latina, like tan, but she had, like, that, like, 1950s, like, hair, like, flip.

She had like a couple of tattoos here and there.

I mean,

she was, like, wearing, like, nothing like, like, she was going to work.

So she had, like, on, like, these, like, pants that were kind of loose, but you could just see her ass was like perfect.

Like a like a cut off like shirt, but like it was like nice like and like appropriate for work, like a summer work.

And I mean, absolutely stunning where like every, everybody on the, on the train was like kind of looking at her.

And then so we're getting off here, getting off at my stop, and she gets off and she goes, are you Chris?

And I literally, like, you know, now you're just like, oh my God, like, hold on, like, I literally, I literally was like, you have a family of the family of fifth.

Like, you're just playing like all the like all this.

You're playing winning.

You're playing winning.

It's finally happening.

It's finally happening.

Don't do this.

I almost like close my eyes.

I'm like, yes, I am.

I'm Chris.

I'm Chris.

I'm Chris.

I'm Chris.

Yeah, you become brain brain.

I'm Chris.

Yes, I'm Chris.

Yes, I'm Chris.

I'm Chris.

How can I help you?

How can I help you?

How can I help you?

Yeah.

I'm like, before I answer that, I just need to do five box breaths.

Hold on.

Hold in for four.

And release.

And I go, yes, I am.

She goes, I'm loving you and Stavi on Two Bears, One Cave.

Wow.

And I said, you listen to that?

And she goes, it's great.

She was like, I love it.

And then she said to me, she goes, me and my husband listen to it.

And so I said, oh, okay.

I was like, great.

But it actually made me feel relief.

Right.

Okay.

Because I said, okay, you and your husband listen.

Great.

And then she goes, you're out of the danger zone.

How the danger zone.

But then I'm just thinking for me because I was hoping maybe

you're a married man now.

You don't have to, you know, if she's listening, she's single.

How much are you loving it?

Let's find out.

Yeah.

Let's go get a souvlaki and a story and figure it out.

Yeah.

But anyway, continue with your story.

So, yeah, you're like, okay, but can your husband show you the backroads of Baltimore?

Yeah.

Can he grill up a lamb chop and an octopus for you?

Is he going to take you on the water in the Inner Harbor?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

So you see, bicoastal, aka New York and Baltimore?

He doesn't have a fully refurbished row house, does he?

So, but then she says to me, and this is what this is what I wanted to bring up.

She says, oh, me and my husband, listen.

I said, oh, great.

And then she goes, I've seen you and your wife walking through the neighborhood.

She's beautiful.

And so that made me think.

Your swingers antennas pop up?

Right.

And it's like, is that the raw, like, is that normal to think that?

Am I crazy?

Because I was like, you mentioned you have a husband, then you mentioned my wife.

And the commenting on, okay, nothing is weird until.

Even you could argue that your wife's beautiful is not weird, but it's the crack of the door being open where it's like, does she want to swap?

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, is she saying?

Like, Like, is she saying that because she's so fully secure in her relationship that she knows, yes, I'm secure in mine?

Or is she saying that because she's like, Let me let him know that I know he has a wife and he knows I have a husband.

So that

maybe it's like she's like, if you're that hot, you're probably used to men embarrassing themselves, trying to fuck you.

And she's like, I respect him as a podcaster for some reason.

I guess she's a woman with bad taste.

Yeah.

She likes this show, so something's wrong with her.

But either way, she's like, I respect him.

He's about to risk, he's about to try and fail to ruin his life by asking me out or whatever.

So I'm going to let him know I have a husband before he flounders.

Maybe that's what she was doing, right?

Or

the if you really want, here's something, here's something you should never act on, but something that'll allow you to jack off to.

Or she's like, she thinks I'm hot.

She thinks my wife's hot.

Maybe her husband's a cuck

who likes his wife fucking hot couples.

And now you get to have a threesome.

Right.

And this guy, now look, is this guy jacking off in the corner?

Sure.

Sure.

But there's a cost of doing business.

You can't have it all.

You want to fuck this lady or you don't want to fuck this lady.

That's what you can jack off to.

Exactly.

Or the worst part of that is like, does she want to have a threesome with her husband?

Right.

You don't want that.

No, I don't need that.

Personally, that seems like something Guido's would do, though.

That seems like a Ridgewood move is to have two guys threesome.

Like with your boys.

Well, we've done that before, and then you do what you call the Statue of Liberty, where the girl's sucking your dick, and your boys banging from behind.

You give them the high five.

You call it the Statue of Liberty at all.

Yeah, that's sort of my, yeah.

Yeah, I don't need, yeah, I don't need to see your HPV dick flapping around.

I don't need to be looking at a man.

I don't need to accidentally, you know, when you're just on the train looking at your phone, then you look up and you just make eye contact with a guy you don't know at all?

Yeah.

And you're gazing into each other's eyes?

Yeah.

I don't need that happening while I'm inside of a woman.

Right.

And he's inside of the same woman.

I don't want that sensation.

Yeah.

And, you know, I totally understand, but it is one of those things where, like, it immediately you can't help, but like, it just, I guess, just because she was even like looking at me, it just makes you so horny.

And I just want to say that publicly for the people who are wondering why they, some of the other fans of the show who did notice me, why now you know the reason I was masturbating outside the Chipotle at Penn Station.

Why you kept slamming your dick in the fucking in the automatic doors outside of Penn Station?

Hey, Blue Chew told me to enter dick first.

So that's what I was doing.

That's beautiful.

It is one of those things, but I will say

what's been nice.

And I would like to say, if there are any incredibly beautiful fans of this show, Masha Stavi.

Me personally, I don't have a family to ruin.

I don't have a wife, a woman I'm finally committing to after 10 plus years.

I'm single.

I'm ready to go.

I'm the only member of this universe of podcasts that does not have a wife.

Right.

So that's it.

You know, let me know.

And I'll have you know, and this is a message directly to my family, I'll have you know that even though I was in Montreal for the weekend where massages with hand jobs are fully legal under Canadian law, I did not embark.

Is that so?

That's what I was told by a friend.

I don't know.

Because I was just in Montreal.

I would have loved to have that information.

Yeah, my friend, by the way, by the way, my friend who I was in Montreal with,

proceeds to tell me and

the guy who does, who comes with me, my tour manager, Steve Ciccone Rice-Aroni, shout him out.

He goes, we're having lunch, right, down in the old port of Montreal, which is gorgeous.

Beautiful.

And then he goes, Montreal is a great city.

Great city.

And I mean, the women are almost too hard to take because they're all like, they're all like gorgeous, like tan skin, have those cool tattoos, and they all have French accents.

So you're like, I can't even be, I'm, thank God, I was only there for one day.

Yeah.

So, so, wow, the foundation is really cracking on this marriage.

The half hour in, you're like, thank the Lord I was only in Montreal for one day.

Thank God the woman who talked to me for 15 seconds was married.

You act like you've been in temptation for a year.

Like, you know, you faced this for years.

You've faced theoretical Canadian temptation.

Yes.

You walked by women for one day.

Yeah.

And one woman talked to you for 25 seconds.

And that's what you're sweating already.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I just.

Well, no, I can know now.

Now that I'm, I'm just, you know, 40, I'm like, I am good.

Like, I will not, I want like the love, like the peace and joy that you wake up with when you're like, you can look yourself in your family in the mirror and be like, I am a good guy.

Yeah.

You know, that is like what I'm chasing.

Yeah.

So, so, um, but anyway, he proceeds to tell us, he's like, oh, I am, you know, you know, I have a wife and a girlfriend, right?

And we were like, what?

Who's this?

Your tour manager, the guy who the friend.

I don't want to out him, but I'll tell you, you probably know him.

But he goes, he goes, you know, I have a wife and a girlfriend.

Just look at Chris's Instagram, see who was with me in Montreal.

It's probably pretty easy to discover.

Yeah, just see, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm sure he probably lives in Howard Beach area.

And so he goes, he goes, I have a wife and a girlfriend.

And I was like, interesting.

And he was like, I'm on dating apps

now here in Montreal.

And I just met a girl last night.

Is it okay if I bring her to the show?

I'm like, so you want me to bring like one of your mistresses into my green room?

Oh, into the green room.

Yeah.

And he was like, yeah, is that cool?

I was like, yeah, I don't care.

So I get it.

But then he says to us, and this is like blew our minds where he goes, listen, dude, he was like, and my wife also

is allowed to hook up with other dudes.

He's like, because honestly, once you get past the the barrier of it's like, oh, it's just some guy's dick and your wife's pussy, it's not that big a deal.

It's just physical.

And I was like, isn't that the only barrier?

Like, that is the barrier.

Like, I don't care.

But then he said, but what he goes, the only rules we have is she can't give blowjobs because that's more intimate.

That's nuts.

And I was like, that's crazy.

That's crazy.

You can't open it up.

My rule legit, this is how much of a caveman brain I have is like, no nutting in my wife.

I'd be like, that's for me.

Yeah.

You can't nut in my wife.

You can't do that.

And look, would I be pumped about her sucking a guy's dick?

No.

Right.

But if you're getting, he's getting his dick sucked.

I think so.

You got to let her suck dick.

You got to let her suck dick.

If she wants to.

If she wants.

If she doesn't want, that's up to her.

Well, yeah, it's one of the things.

So this is like, you're telling me this is a, they're polyamorous, essentially.

That's what they are.

Poly.

I was looking for the word.

I was like, Polyo.

Wow,

that's finally made it to Brooklyn,

to your part of Brooklyn.

Yeah, it's been in the other part of Brooklyn since 2000.

And Giannis' part of Brooklyn,

but not my part.

It just made it out to Bay Ridge.

It's just crossing the Marizano Bridge.

It is nice when Republicans get liberal shit.

Although I will say,

Polyamorous Republicans have existed in Arizona for years.

Like, you go to fucking, you go to like Phoenix, you go to like outside of Phoenix, the suburbs, whatever.

It's like leathery, it's like people that vote Republican and just like have potlucks where they all fuck each other's wives.

Yeah.

And they have like leathery skin and like pierced nipples and shit like that.

Some are listening now, but

so that's interesting.

So he's now to me, the thing with that is, isn't the whole point of being married, you don't have to be on dating apps anymore.

That's what I was trying to say.

Because it's exhausting.

It's like all the fucking.

Like, I did hook up with a girl who was on, who was, who was on.

Is it Field or something like that?

It's one of those freaky ones.

Field's the one that's for, it's pretty fuck-forward.

Right.

But, you know, I was, I hooked up with a girl who was engaged in an open engagement, I guess.

Swearing.

And it didn't last, I don't think.

But it's like, yeah, she's like on vacation just swiping Tinder nonstop.

And it's like, this sucks.

Like, I hate that part of being single.

Dude, I was trying to tell him, I was like,

I am also acknowledging that the women here in Montreal are stunningly gorgeous.

But because I have...

like a wife and a family, it's great for me to just look at them.

Yeah.

And, you know,

I'm a man.

I'm allowed to say, hey, that woman's beautiful, but then not have the pressure of being like, do you want to come to my show?

Or do you want to hang out?

Like, I'm not doing any of that.

Of course.

So it's like, I'm going to, I can look at her and then put her in the spank packet.

She's just for me.

And then you go to a legal massage party.

That's it.

Why didn't I even do that?

Well, that's what.

I think that you can.

I went to a Tim Hortons and church off.

You nutted at a fucking A ⁇ W burger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Japan, culturally,

they don't consider prostitution cheating.

And I kind of know what they're talking about.

So I should float out.

Hey, do you want to have a Japanese marriage?

Like, baby, I got you a Zojirushi rice cooker and a Toshiba

turbo on the floor.

And this also comes with certain other things.

Bring in the Toro.

Bring in the Toro sushi.

Anyway, I'm going to...

I just bring it to the title.

Is that a fact?

I've seen like men on the street interviews where people do that in Tokyo.

And I think it's generally they're like, you know, it's like, oh, look, they look at it as like, if it's a pro, if this is a professional, it's not really cheating, which I don't necessarily agree with, but I see the logic where you're like, look, this woman doesn't love.

There's no feelings here.

It's a

pure sexual act.

I kind of see the argument, even though I wouldn't agree with it necessarily.

Yeah, like I have.

Because I know plenty of people who just buy pussy and they pretend the woman loves you know what I mean?

Like it is cheating and it's like compulsive weird behavior.

Right.

I know one couple, they've been married like 25 years.

And listen, no, shout out to sex workers.

You want to sell a little pussy?

Good for you.

And listen, I'll buy it.

I'm just saying, if I was married, I would not be

a little pussy.

Well, it depends, too.

I agree.

I agree on that, but I do have one case study of a couple that's been married 25 years, friends of the family.

Every five years, they allow the other one to get a prostitute.

Whoa.

So every five years, the guy can get one and the girl can get one.

And the reason why it's a prostitute is because they don't want it to be any type of thing that could potentially lead to like a real life exactly see exactly that's japanese of them so they feel like and the re both of them are very open about this like we have light at the end of the tunnel and it makes our sex life better yeah but every five years that's what we do i respect that and it's fine i have a friend who he you know they're in an open situation and they got a pro they got prostitutes together

they had like a fucking awesome threesome or foursome sounds pretty cool that's the dream dream yeah to have a wife that cool you know like yeah let's suck pussy together that's

that's what lord i see what you've done for others yeah the way you do it to me is it to me

yeah i mean you know i feel like

you know

look prostitution's been around a very oldest professional profession

so i mean it's got to work i mean it's got to it's got to be good for humanity i think goddamn puritanical american society with that shit bring back the toots I agree I agree what is this trick when you're saying Trisha Paytas has this baby theory who cares you don't want to talk about it I mean it's just

apparently she every time she has a child a celebrity dies and they're saying that her child who I believe is named Aquaman Looks good and there was a period in my life where every woman I had sex with loved watching Trisha Paytas on YouTube right that was about I would say four years ago right four or five years ago that was happening a lot to me loved her so this is this is my knowledge.

You know, they'll still post about it.

I love that, like, because four or five years ago, when I was single, every woman that I had sex with loved watching Ben Shapiro.

Okay, Chris, let me see your penis.

I am going to suck it right now, and I need you to last longer than 30 seconds.

And by the way, we should exterminate children in Palestine.

But moving forward,

let me see your ass.

I am going to eat your ass and you will bust hands-free.

Yeah, I don't know much about it other than

she says reincarnated.

When you die, they get reincarnated.

You get reincarnated.

Osborne is now her newest son.

That's what she thinks.

I believe.

I think that's what the internet thinks.

Okay.

And then who are the other ones?

Because this happened a couple times, didn't it?

Yeah, let's.

Yeah, let's.

Yeah, so baby theory, connection explained.

What does she say?

Remember we said you would hear current events from a month ago?

This is that.

This is going.

And by the way, we're doing this as our big lead-up to the massage.

Well, and we're going to have Bert's video.

We promised him a video of Bert.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

So, we'll do that after this.

What is she saying?

Trisha Paytas announced, okay.

The birth of Paytas,

so, okay, it originated in September 22 when Queen Elizabeth died September 22, and I think that's when her daughter, Malibu Barbie Paytas

Hackman, was born.

So, we think that the queen of England is Malibu Barbie Paytas Hackman.

Yeah.

And that she has two other kids now, and who are those?

They are Ozzie.

Ozzy is Aquaman, Paytas Hackman, right?

And then who's the other one?

We're laughing at her.

I love that we're like laughing at her, but then like literally all this baby tries to do is enslave Indian people.

Yeah, it takes it to the cab and gets viscerally upset.

Yeah.

It's like, why are you paying him, mommy?

He's our servant.

She just keeps trying to get indentured servitude from the bait the bait.

Her baby is trying to hide the fact that the baby's child is a prince.

And then Elvis,

her second child, Elvis Paytas Hackman.

Oh, there were false rumors that Pope Francis died.

So we don't actually have.

Oh, well, this theory completely has fallen apart.

It's done.

Yeah.

The Queen and Ozzy, that's okay, but we really needed the Pope to die for Elvis.

Damn.

Elvis Paytas Hackman.

It's a great name, by the way.

I do like that name.

Aquaman, Elvis, and Malibu Barbie.

I actually think Malibu Barbie is a great name.

Great name.

Yeah, I think breaking with the tradition is great.

Like, when I was in high school, there were these two really good basketball players.

They were brothers, and their names were Scientific and Majestic Map.

That's incredible.

That was their, and they were scientific map.

Scientific map, M-A-P-P.

So they spelled map wrong.

Yeah, that's awesome.

Scientific and majestic.

Yeah.

Awesome name.

Awesome.

I think I would, if I were to have kids, you know, still

don't, whatever, I don't know.

Maybe I'll be a family man.

You know, maybe I see.

I'm going to watch and see what happens with you.

Do you mellow out?

Does it actually help you?

Or in eight years,

are you crashing on my couch?

Yes.

Because you've been taken to the cleaners by Jasmine.

And your children won't speak to you anymore.

Well,

I'll always maintain the relationship with the kids, definitely.

But

that might be inevitable.

No, actually, Jazz and I are in a great place.

So we'll see if he.

So that's what I'm saying.

I'm waiting and seeing.

I feel like it can.

I'm rooting for you.

I'm just saying.

What I will say about kids, though, if you kind of, what you have to do with children, I've realized this after being a father for a few years now,

it's like when you go into like Disneyland.

Like, you have to understand there's going to be long lines.

You're going to wait in the line.

There's going to be stress that comes into this.

But just kind of, if you laugh at it all and have fun with it all, you're all good.

It's like to be expected.

With kids, it's like they're not going to listen to you.

You're not in charge.

They're going to yell back.

They're going to talk back.

But if you look at like that, there's all beauty in that, like you literally, I know it sounds corny, but like you almost get like saved by them.

Like, you realize, like, oh, my career actually doesn't matter.

The call, the phone call, or email back about Devil Wears Proditude, that doesn't matter.

It's like, look at your kid on the swing, you know, yelling at you, saying she wants ice cream, crying.

Like, this is all beautiful.

Like, this, and don't give it to her.

And that's like, that's for not listening to me, bitch.

Exactly.

And I told you yesterday it was time to go to school, and you said no.

Yeah, that's why you don't get any chocolate chips.

But you think I'm a bad actor too, just like Am Hathaway.

I'm good.

I'm a good actor.

I was on Benders on IFC in 2015.

Anyway,

I would go some kind of very traditional Greek name.

Pericles.

Oh, wow.

Odyssey.

I thought, like, Helen, but you're saying old stuff.

So, girl names, there's a lot.

There's a lot of great

girl Greek names.

Yeah, Eleni, Helen, whatever.

Pericles is nice.

Because all the old ones shorten into cool shit.

Pericles, you know, Peli,

you know, Perry,

Aristoteli, Aristotle, Telly.

Telly Savalis' name was Aristotle.

Aristotle, that's nice.

Odysseus.

Yeah.

Leonidas.

My cousin's name, Lonida.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, so yeah.

So you call him Leo.

You call him Odysseus, call him Odie, like Garfield's friend dog.

So I'm going to go very classic.

Stavros, like in Greek mythological.

No, no, it's actually Christian.

Stavros means cross.

So I'm actually, my name comes from Christianity, which is interesting because I am a heathen

and I don't really believe in Christ.

Right.

But my name is fucking sick, and so shout out to him for that.

And, you know, maybe he was a real guy.

Who knows?

Getting his dick sucked by Mary Magdalene.

I think that's cool.

I think.

He was a fan of sex workers.

Jesus was cool.

100%.

That's what they say.

And there's probably some apocryphal texts where he's getting some pussy too.

Somewhere.

Of course.

What was he up to?

Don't the scriptures.

They lose him from the age of like 16 to 33.

They lose him at the end.

Yeah.

How convenient.

Yeah.

When

Just getting ahead in every temple in Jerusalem.

So anyway, look,

we do have some, we want to see what Bert is saying to you.

We want to check in with our We know that's what the fans want.

We know that's what the fans want.

So we wanted to check in, see, you know, last time he did give us some great

talking points like talk about Indians.

Yes.

Yes.

Let's see what race he wants us.

Let's see what, you know,

what type of person he would like us to do.

He's asked us to be more racist in the comments.

So we'll see what Burr provides for us.

So let's check in with

our Burr Kreischer.

Burt Kreischer

video this week.

What's up, gentlemen?

Okay.

So I got into a texting argument with Arch Fear the other day on who was going to live the longest.

Oh.

And we said we're basically a coin flip, that Tom would die before us, and that Joe Rogan was going to have to attend all of our funerals.

Yeah.

And we almost felt bad for Joe.

Here's the deal.

He'll be fine.

I'm going to give you a list of comments.

I want you to tell me who's going to die first and who's going to live the longest.

Oh,

predict how everyone's going to die.

Also,

Mark Norman, Joe List, Louis J.

Gomez, Big J.

Okerson, Arch Fear, Andrew Santino, Bobby Lee, Chris DeStefano, Stavi, Giannis,

Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Tom Scura, Joe Rogan, Joe DeRosa, Sam Morell, Dan Snoder, Tony Hinchcliffe, Bobby Kelly, and Nate Bargatzi.

Who's going to live the longest and how are they going to die?

I love you guys.

Have a great fucking day.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Permission to party world tour starts September 18th in Rockford, Illinois.

Red Rocks, October 1st.

Boom.

We should plug our dates, by the way.

We haven't done that.

I know, we haven't done that.

We'll do that.

Why?

Can we throw some at the beginning of the episode, actually?

That'd be nice.

Yeah, definitely.

Do some dates.

Well, I could just tell.

That's too many guys, by the way.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he was talking for 45 seconds.

Yeah, I would say.

There's no text.

He didn't text those numbers.

He was just, and you could tell he was just going off stream of consciousness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, and I could tell by the way also by how dry burt's lips are that he's close

i mean he does look bad i mean when it's never good when your lips are the same shade as your beard

yeah i mean were you filming a is this part of the sitcom where it starts like law and order are you the dead body the episode starts on because that's kind of how his lips and face look like right now it's just like this is almost like a video that like is starting at his funeral.

I would say though if he's gonna who's gonna live the longest, I would have to think is Joe Rogan just because he has the most knowledge of longevity and the most longevity physicians around him

to help him live the longest.

But there's also the coin flip that like Joe gets into something cutting edge too fast.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like that he just injects like the wrong type of platelet or he puts like elk DNA into his heart and it turns out like they were close.

That was almost gonna make you immortal, but this the beta version, makes your heart explode.

So I would say there's just like a small version that like, who knows, you know, he's geared up.

We know that.

We know Joe's on juice, right?

Good for your heart.

And I think probably, but he just has,

he has, you know, he's going to live a long time, but he has that.

There's that dark horse that one of the ways, one of his longevity hacks, like what if cold plunging actually is the worst thing in the world?

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, what if one of the like 15 crazy things he does

actually kills him.

You never know.

Or what if like he gets into like, you know, Elon convinces him to get into like a spaceship that's not ready and it explodes?

You know what I mean?

Like what if he's just like one day doing like some type of wild military press and then on it, kettlebell just crushes his head.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

What if it's not his fault?

What if one of the kettlebells

like it's fault it fall it's faulty.

He's lifting a world record amount.

The handle snaps right on his fucking duck.

That's a good point.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, so that'll never happen to me.

Yeah.

I will never go because of, you know, a kettlebell.

Yeah.

I will never be crushed by a kettlebell.

That's true.

Okay, so that's interesting for that.

Joe Liss could live alone.

He's been living this long with herpes.

That's true.

He's mastered herpes.

He's mastered herpes.

He's had children with herpes.

He does eat like a child, though.

He has a preschool, like, he has chicken palm and chicken fingers

for every meal.

Right.

But he's a Zveldt man.

But he's felt, he's skinny, does UFC.

I'm going pretty fast.

Like, here's the thing.

I know I'm going to have the best funeral.

Right.

Because, like, oh, my, everyone's going to be so sad.

It's going to be too fast.

You know what I mean?

Even for being fat, it's going to be like, ah, geez.

You thought he had a couple more years.

Yeah, you're the only ones that funeral, you're going to have like nachos and cheese.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Like a fun cheese, fondue found.

He'll be catered by Buffalo Wild the way.

100%,

which is great.

You'll have a Buffalo Wild Wings casket.

You know, and then Sam probably will go in the inevitable.

He'll never leave the island of Manhattan.

So whenever the terrorist

and the next 9-11 happens, he's going late.

Well, I was going to say, I think Sam and I are both doing gigs in Saudi Arabia.

So, Sam's days are numbered.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival, which is just a way to get a lot of Jewish entertainers into their hands and then beheaded.

So, Sam's going in about eight months, whenever that festival is.

Yeah, so Sam, so I'll be there, and I will join in with the Saudi people if it means I get out of there alive.

Yeah, you convert to fucking Islam.

Yeah, so Sam, okay, Mark Normand is very, very, very healthy.

Mark is actually the sneaky pick to live a long time.

Yeah, because he also doesn't feel like he takes on a lot of stress.

He's shredded.

He's, you know.

He performs being stressed.

He's always like, ah, but I don't think he cares about anything.

It's not real.

Nate, you would think clearly has the most money and the biggest career, but could go the quickest because he's the guy who will get in a helicopter in the fog.

Yeah, he's going to get dude.

Yeah, yeah.

Or one of the roller coaster he's planning for, You know what I mean?

It's for function.

He hires some toothless hillbilly to put together his fucking.

He's pennies.

He's pinching pennies.

He's doing great, but an amusement park costs a lot of money.

So he hires a couple of car and he's caught a couple

of corners.

And then the fucking, you know, the Nate Express or whatever, you know, like one of his

roller coasters just

crashes.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, something like that.

That could be, I could see that going.

That's a good point.

Lewis Gomez, you can't believe is still alive.

I mean, you know, like Lewis is the one who actually will live the longer because he will survive.

He's a survivor.

He is a survivor.

He survived like being stabbed.

His father was

stabbed.

So Lewis is like, look, they're not going to get me.

Yeah, Lewis is just the kind of guy, like, Lewis has been doing ketamine at people's weddings for 20 years.

Lewis will be here for he's the one who outlives everybody.

So Lewis, so Lewis, you're like, if he hasn't died yet, he's not going to die.

Soder is all like, you know, fully sober, getting married, like healthy healthy now.

He's from Colorado, so those guys just like figure it out.

Like they figure out something, they smoke weed, they chill.

Yep.

So

I got to say out of that whole list, I mean, it's, it's, I mean, other than Burt, who is actually now purple.

Yeah, I mean, we will actually,

we'll probably, the seventh episode will be us and Tom.

Yes.

From now on, it'll be one of us will be going back and forth with Tom because Bert's not, they will have to finish this sitcom.

He's, yeah, he's shooting with AI.

Yeah, Burt's going to be able to,

the way they did Olivia Soprano after she had died.

They're just going to have like

Bert's face over some other fat shirtless guy doing his lines.

Bert's going to be the only guy to put his stand-up dates on his casket.

Just still, just Red Rocks.

September 12th.

His funerals.

They'll hold his funeral at Red Rocks.

But so, yeah, so

I would say that, and by the way, I appreciate it.

You can't say Burt would have an incredible funeral.

Oh my gosh.

You know he would.

In fact, what's gonna happen is Bert fakes his death.

He's gonna Tom Sawyer himself so that he can watch us like

cry and give fucking speeches.

And then he's gonna be like, I'm actually alive.

And we'll be like,

well, you're not getting a good funeral now.

You know what I mean?

Now you've pissed us off.

Yeah, fuck you.

I could see that happening.

I could see that happening.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Bert.

But you know what happens?

Actually, we never find out.

He's so happy seeing how much his friends love him and what a good time it is.

His heart just gives out then and there.

And he's like, I can go.

And that's how he dies.

After faking his own death,

watching us have a funeral at Red Rocks for him with like a slip and slide.

And a fucking there'll be, it'll be like the fully loaded tour with like a fucking sun.

What would be interesting to me, what I'm really interested in seeing is, you know, when and if Bert dies, how quickly Leanne moves on.

I'd like to see how quickly she's just like, I couldn't be happy.

We are out of here.

And she is just married to another man.

Happy as happy to be doing a just a guy who reads.

He hasn't had a drink in his life.

Has like a cardigan, like just layers.

Not only do you not see his stomach, but he's just like, you know.

Yeah.

But yeah, but Bert, I appreciate the video.

There was a lot of people on that list.

A lot of people on that list.

So we have to go through the ones that we could remember.

And we're not, you know, the other thing is we're running low on time.

There's a phone-in episode.

We are not going a second over one hour.

No.

And it is important that I do get my massage.

Yes.

I am going to set up the table.

Whereas in the business, we call it the plinth.

Oh, set the plinth up for us.

Oh,

Benson Spoon's coming in here.

This is all on the show.

Smet it up.

Get close up.

Zoom in on his tiny little butt.

Oh, Ben, you can't even open that.

Come on, dude.

You're fucking blowing it.

Dude, that's it.

We're going to get on there.

Now, have we changed?

I am excited about the weight limit.

Yeah, because that is a genuine question.

550.

Okay, great.

All right.

Don't look at me after he said that.

You were doing the math.

You look at me doing the math.

Yeah.

All right.

You should be good.

Yeah.

The one thing I did forget is my tool as a physical therapist is called a goniometer, where you measure like different joint angles and stuff.

And I did forget that.

We'll do it on the next one on the last one.

I'll bring in my goni.

I need to know my different angles.

Okay, here we go.

All right, here, I got you.

Or we can do it.

You know what?

We can do it for a Stavi's world.

Okay.

I'd love to have my goniometer.

There we go.

Okay, wonderful.

I'm going to take my shirt off and I'm going to get massaged.

Yeah, that's why.

I have a little crick in my neck.

This part part of the episode sponsored by Bluetooth want you guys getting soft out there and then getting rock hard with Blue Chew.

Oh.

All right.

So

there we go.

That's it.

All right.

So what we have here.

Are we good?

So what we have here is we got Stavi.

Okay, so you said you have some, what is it, sir?

You have some neck paint.

Right here, you have to do it.

So right, some neck paint.

So what I'm going to do is what we call this is palpation.

So I'm just going to palpate.

And I got to be honest with you, I have to dig pretty deep to even find a bone.

Okay, so right here.

All right, here, so here.

You know what?

Here, let me put your glasses over here.

By the way, I got to be honest, dude.

Stop, you do have like legitimate muscle under here.

Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, here we go.

So, Stop's right there.

Okay, beautiful.

Thank you.

So, okay, so here's what we're doing.

Bud, you also have bruises on your back.

What the hell's going on over here?

I don't know, man.

Dude,

my lab partner, when I was a physical therapist, he had what was called hyperhydrosis of the hands.

So his hands were just soaking wet.

And when he would get nervous, they would get even wetter.

So he would be practicing massage on me like with the teacher right there and just hands on

it.

It was disgusting.

But what I can definitely already tell,

which by the way, by the way, I can already tell I haven't practiced physical therapy since 2013.

But I can tell that you definitely do have like a lot of like tension and stuff up here.

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to, because everything's connected, right?

So what I'm going to do is I'm going to massage, I'm gonna start

call a little efflouage massage.

You mean the efflourage, baby?

Just what you want to do is because a lot of this stuff has got to do with blood flow.

I also am doing this dry.

I should have brought some type of massage cream.

Does anyone have any lotion at all?

Oh, that feels good, right?

So, because what it is, is a lot of times,

you have some lotion?

Yeah,

if not, I'll just use my hair gel.

So,

what it is, is like you manipulate the spine just a little bit here, okay?

Because I can feel you got some tense spots, and what happens is things get tight all the way up the chain.

You got to look at your spine like a train track, and if there's one thing messed up, especially at the top, it's going to come all the way down.

I assume you have some back pain, too.

I do, I have some lower back pain.

Here we go.

So, now we got good sake hand cream.

So, here we go.

Wonderful.

And by the way, dude, Stopi may have the best calves in this whole business.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

Oh, this.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, this is awesome.

I mean, yeah, you're feeling this, dude.

Oh, Oh, this is it.

Oh.

So, here's, so, here's,

right?

Yes, dude, that's awesome.

So, here, so I'm going to.

What you got to do, and also, too, the key to a good massage is you just always keep your hands on the patient.

Love that.

Never take your hands off.

Don't text.

Love that.

You know, you can't be checking draft kings and trying to massage whoever the sponsor is.

Oh, dude, this is.

And I can feel, because you got some tense

musculature around your spine.

Your spine is a little out of whack because I can feel your spine there, and I'm like, okay, I know why your neck hurts now.

Okay.

Okay, so.

Here we go.

Yeah.

There we go.

There we go.

Hold on.

Now, this is what we used to call this the locomotive.

Where you're just going up the tracks.

Hell yeah.

The choo-choo train.

Hell yeah, dude.

You feel that, right?

Yeah.

You feel it?

Mm-hmm.

There it is.

Okay.

Let me lotion up.

Hold on, hold on.

You know what I'm going to do, dude?

Just because

I'm just going to spray you down.

Spray me down.

I'm just gonna spray you down.

I'm just gonna put the mayo on like you're a turkey club.

That's awesome.

Here we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

So now here's what I want you to do: is just put your arms here if you can.

There we go.

Yeah, sorry.

Just have my balls in the cuff of your hand.

So here, so let me know.

Any pain at all?

Just let me know.

Any pain at all?

No.

Nothing?

Okay.

Try it the other way.

Any pain at all?

I am feeling your nuts even more so.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't need a blue chew now.

You feeling any pain?

No.

Okay.

All right.

So, here we go.

Oh, fuck.

I'm literally going to nut, dude.

This feels awful.

Do it.

That's why there's a hole at the bottom, too.

These tables are so cool.

Is this a milking table?

Yeah, dude.

And I can also do something

what's called an occipital release, which is you have the occipital bone right here in the back of your head.

And so you can, it really does literally feel like I'm massaging.

From this angle, it's like i'm massaging ben franklin

um but but i could do an occipital release which would hurt your neck but no don't do that for that one i'm just because i can already see dude i can see how much blood flow is just like going to the neck so here we go hold on

let me stretch out up here

feel that you all right yeah dude any pain you let you might feel some pain but any type of like discomfort shooting tingling you let me know right away no shooting

no shooting except for me That's it.

I might be shooting any moment now.

Wow.

Oh.

Here we go.

Okay, let me just do

one more of these because let me just get up that spine.

Okay, and then one more.

Yeah.

Okay, and then.

And then this is just for no reason whatsoever.

That was two bears, one cave.

That was two bears.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

There you go.

That was two bears, one cave.

Christycomedy.com for all my stand-up dates.

Come check me out.

In August, we are in Oklahoma.

We're in Pittsburgh, Toronto, Detroit.

And then September 11th, theater at Madison Square Garden.

That's the big one.

And September 5th, Chicago Theater, ChrisDcomedy.com.

Hello, folks.

I'm going to hit the road soon.

I'm going to be in London, September 7th, Dublin on September 12th.

Then we're coming to America.

Back to, I'm going to be in Memphis, November 6th, Huntsville, Alabama, November 7th, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, North Carolina, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Austin, Texas, 1122, and then Boston, Massachusetts

on the 13th.

And I think we're adding a show on the 12th as well.

So, yeah, come check me out.

Thanks for watching and listening.

Bye-bye.

One goes topice while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears one cave.

Start the season with Etsy and make your holiday traditions extra special.

On Etsy, you'll discover original pieces from small shops that will help you celebrate your way.

Shop Etsy for holiday decor that makes you feel seen.

Special starts on Etsy.

Tap the banner to shop now.