Are We Trapped In This Podcast Forever? w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Hello, gang.

We are back the summer.

Bears are back.

Stavros Halkis, Chris DeStefano, filling in for our pals, Tom and Bert.

How are we doing, Chrissy?

Dude, it's a bear summer.

The bears come out of hibernation.

And the bears are on the bottom of the house.

I think it is bear week in Provincetown as we speak.

100% it is.

That's why I have a show there.

Go, Christy, check out my site.

But, dude, it just feels good to be a bear in the summer.

You don't want to be doing this in the winter.

No, that's hibernation.

Dude, we're by the river.

We're eating salmon.

You were just eating fresh.

I was eating salmon.

I was eating.

That's what we're doing.

We're bears.

We're eating salmon.

And we threw in a couple of croissants because we're different kinds of bears.

You are sabotaging us here, right?

Because you, shout out to Benson Spoon, Josh

in the booth.

You did a classic fat guy move.

And even though you're not, we've talked about it.

You're wearing your true classic t-shirt that hides your tits and frames it and your belly.

But you're not,

you're not, you are, you still have a heart, a fat man's soul, and as we've covered a fat man's cholesterol.

100%.

You order egg whites with spinach on whole wheat toast.

Yes.

And then you say, and hey, Josh, give us a couple surprises.

The classic fat guy movie.

That's basically like...

Order me sausage, order me a dessert, get me a chocolate milk.

You're basically like, I can't, I don't want to take responsibility for this.

I'm laundering.

Right.

I want to treat.

I'm a little slut.

Right.

But I'm laundering the response.

I'm passing the moral responsibility onto you.

You basically, it was, you did a tariff.

on Josh.

Yes, when the costs are coming on him, you get the money, but he has to pay the cost.

Yeah, well, the fat boy costs.

Also, I just want to give a quick shout out where this is where, you know, like I literally, I said to Josh,

surprise, surprise.

You know, I'm a little surprise boy.

That's what I said.

Because last time we came and did the show, Josh had surprised us with artisanal, beautiful donuts that were some of the creamiest, best doughnuts that I've ever had in my life.

And now today, surprise, surprise, we're two half-eaten croissants and no straws for our iced coffee.

Wow, you're a little bit more.

So what the hell?

We're drinking iced coffee.

We have stained my teeth now because Josh didn't get straws and he got me shitty croissants from a deli that somebody was doing fentanyl outside of.

What the hell happened last week?

Why do you say, give me a fucking doughnut?

You know what I mean?

Because I was a little surprised, boy.

And I just, i didn't want to come out and say it because i'm trying to tell my family that i'm in shape and i'm not oh so you wanted to come home be like look i ordered spit you wanted to show you were hey look you were gonna delete the surprise boy yeah text 100 people are gonna be like jasmine look i i asked for spinach yeah because jazz every because you know ever since you know i said my uh cholesterol was 300 which by the way this is a 300th two bears episode so i feel like i got my cholesterol to this level just for the show

yeah

but but she always is on me now right like hey what are you eating like when i was just on the road she's like show me what, like, it used to be, send me a picture of your empty room so I know no bitches are in there.

Now it's show me a picture of what you're eating so I know you're not going to drop dead when we're just moving into this new house.

They're inevitably going to sell next year.

Yes, yes, yes.

Show me the trash can in your Hilton Garden Inn.

I don't want to see combos in there.

I don't want to see chocolate covered preps.

I don't want to see KFC snackers.

Right.

Yes.

And hey, by the way, not Hilton, I'm a Marriott Bonboy Rewards member.

So Marriott Bonboy Rewards.

So you can put that at.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, Josh.

We only have one sip left.

I hope you do one of your backflips offstage and break your neck.

This beautiful straw just for Chris.

Hey.

Please.

Bring me a straw.

Oh, God.

Say.

Bring me some donuts, oh, God.

On your roller blades.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Interesting.

Look at Stavi's.

That's a big boy shirt.

If you can't see, this is off-camera, but Stavi's drawing the shirt that he was wearing on the radiator.

It is some, again,

as a summer of a bear, you know, you have to have a travel shirt everywhere you go.

Oh, yeah.

That was the, when I moved to New York and it was like summer and I'm walking everywhere.

It's like, you come with a shirt, you go to the bath, you soak it on the subway, and then you change into your, you know, my professional attire.

Oh, that's it.

This is my job.

Yeah.

Oh, look, she's a hottie.

She's pretty awesome.

Mighty, whatever.

You might have a cock.

That's a woman.

A woman can have all types of.

They can be jacked with huge tits too, Chris.

Okay.

Look at Bert.

And that's awesome.

No, we've covered this.

Yeah.

Bert is not a hot woman.

Oh, that's right.

But yes, I would love a jacked, you know, this, an anime girl with huge tits.

It's jacked.

But it looks good.

You got good t-shirts.

Now, what are you, a 2XL?

Thank you for saying that.

I am a 3XL.

You're a 3XL.

I'm a 3, but

I'm on the cusp of two.

I'm on the cusp of two.

When's the last time in your life you were an XL?

I can tell you, literally, I know exactly when it was.

I was in,

it was

2001.

Age 11.

I'm sorry, 2021.

I was in sixth grade watching the towers fall.

And in that moment,

I was stress-eating, knowing we would be plunged into a state of endless war.

I could read the tea leaves.

They were going to use the terrorists as an excuse to have

the spy state, that we would lose all our civil liberties because we're scared of terrorism.

Yeah, you were sitting there eating Spana Coppina out of a lunchbox thinking, could Baltimore be next?

Is Muhammad Apta going to blow his Camden Yards?

We have a World Trade Center.

We have a shitty little World Trade Center Center, too.

I hope they don't destroy the legal seafood in the Inner Harbor.

The Inner Harbor Rooters, is it safe?

2021, I was coming back.

During the pandemic, I gained 40 pounds and then I lost 60 pounds.

Whoa.

And so I

was, and then I got in, I was like maybe

250, 260, which for me is

Velt.

Exactly.

I feel good when I'm in 260.

Like a Ryan Reynolds at that point.

Yeah, and I was at an XL and I had a very specific, I had this cool heat might be my favorite movie.

Well, true romance is my favorite movie of all time.

I love that everyone just thought

you were losing weight and everyone else just thought you had long COVID.

It was before we knew about that liberal hoax.

Now, it does seem like people have been.

I was definitely a guy who was like, that shit's fake.

And I've met like 10 people who are like, my life is ruined.

And they all have the exact same symptoms.

They're like, my brain just doesn't work.

And I'm like, I don't know.

I know.

I brain fog.

I swear, I still haven't.

My taste is still not the same.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, obviously, I just ate seven croissants, so I power through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have a great imagination.

Again, that's another fat tip of the cap as a fat man to be doing to power through no taste buds and be like, oh, it's fine.

Just so good.

Dude, do you know how many times in my life I've gotten swollen taste buds on my tongue just from the amount of sugar I've eaten in one sitting?

Just like, because the wild, because you're saying, you know, you, you, XL 2001, this is

2021.

I'm sorry.

I'm in XL now.

Right.

Right.

Wow.

And so I'm in XL now.

I was a 2X, but now I've gotten myself into an XL.

But what happens is mentally, like, I've lost some weight.

I try to work out every day and exercise, but mentally, I'm still like, you're disgusting.

Like, your cholesterol is awful.

You're going to eat that croissant.

You surprise boy.

You're going to passive aggressively, defend the croissant.

Yeah.

And you know what happens?

Here's the difference, though, too, is like, at least with you, and we may have spoken about this before, but at least with you, when somebody you were saying before, like, oh, somebody says like you're overweight, at least like you wear it, you are who you are.

You're like, this is who I am.

No denying it.

I'm a 2X.

You know what you're getting from me?

I'm a 3X.

With me, or 3X.

I'm trying to be positive.

We're going towards it.

We're getting this on a 2X.

We're trending in the right direction.

We're rounding down.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So with me, it's like, oh, wow, you're jacked.

And then I'll be like, then I'll take my shirt off and I'll see people look at me like, I wasn't expecting that.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, like, what is this?

Were you a fat child?

No.

No, I got fat.

When did the paunch begin?

So I got fat.

I got fat when

my freshman year of college,

I was playing ball on the basketball team.

Like, I was the only freshman that was a starter.

I was playing.

I could, like, two-hand dunk.

Like, I was like crazy.

I had a shaved head.

I looked at it like a skinhead.

Yeah, if you Google Chris Distefano basketball, pictures pop up of me.

I literally look like I'm playing for the Aryan nation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so, and so, but I got a girlfriend, like my first serious girlfriend, that just she was older.

She was like 23 and I was 18.

Nice.

And she just worked me in a way that I can't explain.

Like, she was, yeah, look at that.

Yeah, look at that one.

If you look at

you and Bill Maher were talking about it, yeah, but there's one.

No, look, go over one more to the right.

That one.

This is the skinhead one where I'm just an absolute, just Ed Norton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look like you're on his basketball team in American history.

Right.

So what happened, though, is like we just started, like, she introduced me to like sex and like eating my asses and all that.

And I ate your ass at 18.

Yes.

And I got, which is now just a felony federal crime.

But

I got so, not fat, but for the first time ever, because I would literally, I was like, always thin, you know, metabolism was good.

I was in shape.

Again, I told you I could dunk, I was athletic.

And then when I got fat, it was like a wake-up call.

I was like, oh, because my dad was pretty fat.

My mom would struggle with her weight.

And I'm like, oh, I can be fat.

And then from that point on, from when I'm 18, I've yo-yoed for 22 years.

I went from, like, in comedy, I've gotten myself up to 260.

I was 260.

My goal away go, yeah, goal away.

And now I'm like 220.

Wow.

So I, but it's weird.

It's like, I really, for my height, I should be like, if BMI, you should be like 190.

And I'm like, I don't know if I could get that.

No, whatever.

You're fine.

I mean, you should just worry about your cholesterol.

You're fine.

Yeah, I'm going to go get it tested in two weeks.

Oh, let's find out.

I'll live stream it.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

I wouldn't put it past you.

Now, what was that first, the moment the tongue hit your hole, what was that sensation like?

I'll never forget, dude.

We were in her house in Ozone Park.

In Ozone Park, Queens.

Hell yeah.

Right off cross bulb all over.

That part of Queens where it's like they wouldn't wouldn't even dream to have a subway?

Yeah, like, no, this is a shitty Long Island, as far as we're concerned.

As I was getting my ass, you know, I was listening to the sirens and the, you know, John Gotti disciples running black people out of their neighborhood with baseball bats.

You couldn't, you, you weren't sure why you were coming.

The ass-licking or the racism.

You're like, I don't know what you're doing anymore for me.

Didn't you scare the N-word?

And so I remember, like, because she was down there, whatever, and then she just started going down towards the balls, which I had experienced before.

I was 18.

I, I, you know, I was Catholic, you know,

I've had a priest, yeah, so I was an altar boy, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, I could, so, and then she just slips it into the butt, and I don't, I think it was like almost accidental, even on her part, but then the way that I, you know, like flex up, and she had a lot of sexual intelligence.

Yes, she's she called the audible, she's like, oh, my tongue slipped, but he clearly loves it.

Well, she was a grown woman.

That's the thing.

I was a child, Stealthy.

You feel taken advantage of?

Yeah.

No, I loved it.

And then I remember she just started going down in my ass, and I was like, oh, my God.

And it was that I came so quick that it was in.

You fucked it fast.

You put it fast.

Yes.

See, here's the thing about Burt and Tom is as wildly successful as they are, financially, they don't know what they're doing.

The amount of money they paid us to co-host this show when it is clear as day from the views it's a sinking ship.

And listen, even if it's successful, we're not trying.

So even if it happens, it's an accident, it's a mistake.

They should have been better at tracking their money.

And let's not even get into it.

I've seen just the uncrustables budget on Burt's Tourbo is out of control.

The watches, the cars,

houses for podcasts.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

When the revolution comes, unless they have somebody that helps them track their money, they might be killed in the streets.

I mean, and that's why we said to them, me and Stopi have to get on a FaceTime call with Burt and Tom and said, guys, you need monarch money.

You need monarch money.

You can't.

Why did you pay two guys who look like different versions of lesbians to come in here and try to save your summer show?

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That's beautiful.

Okay, dude, maybe you would have learned.

Maybe Bert would have been smarter if he had Monarch Money and not spent the whole payload on Hitler's teacup.

That is beautiful.

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Okay.

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Like Chrissy said,

you could build 50% off

starting out here with Monarch.

Yes.

Maybe we can scroll down a little bit.

There we go.

Yeah, thanks, Bench and Boolean.

Stop working on your next album and scroll.

And I know Chris is a family man, a man who buys a new house every six months.

About your hair gel budget.

Yes.

You know what I mean?

How has Monarch helped you?

There's a lot of things, dude.

I got a lot of female members of my family who want breast enhancement surgeries.

I got to pay for all that.

And so I used Monarch money because for, you know, I didn't realize like 401ks are like, you know, we don't have a 401k as much as we still do not have

to get monarch money, dude.

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So monarchs money.

So they're saving the money that when now that you're married, your wife wills take from you in seven years.

So what monarch is doing is making sure you're not overspending on food delivery, on your hair gel, on whatever.

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Monarch Money took a look at my life and they actually contacted me.

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That's fucking awesome, dude.

Like, it was, she wasn't even making contact with my dick and balls anymore.

It was just tongue in the ass, and I exploded.

I hit, it was one of those where, like, you hit yourself in the nipples, you know?

Of course.

The first time a girl Jack Malvin hit me in my eye.

Yeah,

I can't imagine.

And so I remember like coming so quick, and then she playfully, you know, because she, I don't think she believed it, but to me, a young 18-year-old, she was like, oh my God, like you love ass play.

Maybe you're gay.

And then we're like,

Is this patient zero for

this joke that you've done for 50 years at this point?

Yes, this woman started it all.

Yes, she literally put me on a path.

She, if that girl doesn't eat your ass, you're probably just a regular homophobe, 100%.

But she put me on a path to tell these jokes at the Creek in the Cave in 2010 and continue to do it.

And

so, and so she, holy shit, she literally, dude, the no-contact bust from getting your ass in here.

Is literally awakening primal homophobic bullying in me.

Yeah.

I'm keeping it at bay.

But that is what you think when you hear that.

Dude, I've had, and it also discovered, it also put me on a path for my love of history because I would search initially.

You became a big Greek philosophy fan after that.

I literally, and that's why I think I've gravitated toward Greek co-hosts like you and Yannis, because you're the guys that tell me, hey, Greek guys, Greek warriors are gay.

Of course.

They used to have sex.

It's not gay.

It's just just a label now.

You're just being a human.

Yeah.

And that's what it makes me feel like.

Yeah, we talked about it.

Achilles was gay, you know?

Sure.

His whole, his boy, him and his boy were having, were doing gay shit, though.

The reason they got him back in the war was because they killed, you know, the Trojans killed his, his.

There's still some historical debate about whether Achilles was the top or if he was the bottom.

We'll never know.

What's the gayer one?

Would the top be gay or the bottom?

The bottom's gay.

The bottom's gay.

He's getting his ass fucked.

Yeah.

Right, because...

Because here's the funny.

Sorry to cut you off.

The Turkish military,

literally, they have a rule that if you're a top,

so they have, if you're gay, you can be in the Turkish military.

If you fuck guys, if you get your ass fucked, they don't let you in the Turkish military.

They have like, they do like research and they're like, prove you get your ass.

Because people lie about getting their...

Like, I don't know if this, my friend, I don't know if it's true or not, said you have to send like a video of you getting fucked in the ass.

Like the army.

I don't know.

My fucking eye.

Could you imagine me like I'm this close to getting in the Turkish military, and then they ask me some history questions, and they're like, wait, you came no contact with Dick and Ball's tongue in the ass?

You would be a borderline guy.

They'd be like, you're out of here.

Yeah, yeah.

But it put, because, you know, and by the way, Achilles would be gay.

I mean, that's the gayest thing.

Like, they just dangle him by his little foot in the

river sticks.

The river sticks.

Ooh.

But

I do feel, because like you start, as you get older, right?

I'm 40 now.

You start to think about like,

how did all this happen?

How did I wind up getting into this career path?

How did I wind up, you know, being obsessed with history?

Yeah, I thought it was because my mom used to take me on trips to like Boston.

We would walk around the Freedom Trail so she could go to singles bars.

And like, you know, she would just be like, hey, Chris, you stay on that red line.

You find out about George Washington.

I'm going to get some chowder and some dick up here.

Dude, my mom literally would take me.

She took me on a singles cruise to Nova Scotia once where I just had to sit in a freaking child's playpen while my mom just cruises around.

You had to get fingered by lobster fishermen.

I got to listen to my mom hooking up with a guy from Halifax

while I'm just sitting there eating shit.

Oh, a nice pussy-o you got there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a really nice beaver you got.

Yeah.

So don't hold.

So she, so that, and then, and then the Freedom Trail was real.

She would take me to Boston.

We would learn about like Paul Revere's house and stuff.

And then she would literally go out because she was like a young mom.

Yeah.

And she'd be like, I'll come find you on the Freedom Trail in a couple of hours.

And I have to stay on this red line.

So I would just walk through Boston on the Freedom Trail, going to all the different sites.

And that started my love of history.

Yeah.

Was like very specifically colonial American history.

When you have to just read a book intensely, not to think about your mom getting railed.

Yeah, yeah.

You're like, George Washington, it was Cross Delivered, whatever.

I'm reading.

I thought of like your mom sucking dick away.

You're like, Paul Revere.

You're using The British Are Coming by Rick Atkinson, just so to not think about my mom getting it in the butt.

No, that's it.

I mean, I think about that all the time.

There's so much shit that we,

that is just not in our control at all.

You know what what I mean?

Like, like the, like, you know, the things you use as an escape as a little kid really become your thing forever.

Dude, even comedy.

Comedy was from, for real.

Like, I would watch old SNLs.

I would watch, like, you know,

comedy set.

Like, when we first got that shit, you know, there's like arguments.

Your parents are fucking fighting.

I'm just, like...

putting up fucking Billy Madison.

I'm like, oh,

the penguin's hilarious.

I don't have to think about how my parents should probably be divorced, but they won't because of Greek stereotypes.

Because of being trapped in the divorce.

Instead, I'll find my dad dead on the bathroom floor from his heart attack because he just won't leave my mom and go be happy.

But, see, for me.

Shout out to my dad,

beat another heart attack.

There you go.

Yeah, he's crushing it.

Yeah, he had surgery.

He's doing well.

Salute you.

Salute you.

Hummus.

Not Greek.

That's a problem.

No, but isn't Greek.

It's not.

What is it called?

Zaziki.

We don't have to.

Zaziki.

No, but when I go to Greek restaurants, they always give the three-dip hummus zaziki.

No, you're going to a Mediterranean place.

You're going to

a catch-all Mediterranean place, which is like going to a catch-all Pan-Asian place.

Got it.

And those places,

those places don't do any of the cuisine well.

Got it.

Like when you go to a place that does Thai sushi and fucking Chinese food, it's bad.

When you go to a place that's like, we have falafel, yero,

it's not a good Greek restaurant.

I mean, look, now they've bent the knee.

They've, you know,

the way the market is going, people, you know, dumb asses like you expect hummus at a Greek restaurant.

So you can find it, but it's not good.

You want it at an expressly Middle Eastern place, someplace that's like a Turkish cafe, Turkish.

Exactly.

I'm just going for a cholesterol.

Cholesterol-friendly option.

Sure, sure, sure.

Suziki's cholesterol-friendly, though.

It's just cucumbers and yogurt.

Yeah, right?

So, anyway, so

this is what I think.

And the other thing that I, my escapes were clearly dumb comedy and making myself meals.

Like, while my parents were arguing, I got, I was just beat, I was like a fat little boy melting butter and like dipping

each side of bread and making like triple-decker grilled cheeses with ham in the middle.

For real, I'm not even kidding.

I was like, as soon as they let me unsupervised, I would play, I would listen to Adam Sandler's C D's, the parody songs.

I would play Nintendo and I would make myself little fucking little triple decker sandwiches.

It was the, and those the happiest moments of my life.

I believe it.

I'll never feel that elation as being a fat like, 10-year-old.

Yeah.

Being like, I'm a grown-up.

I'm allowed to go with open flame.

Yeah.

And I'm allowed to play the Power Rangers Nintendo game.

You know what I mean?

I love yourself.

Every time you're hungry, you would just walk up to your mom and dad and be like, Mom, you think dad's cheating on you?

You're like, I'll be in the kitchen.

You bought a new leather jacket from Costco.

What's that about?

See, I'm fully, it's wild too, because I'm fully opposite.

I never watched the history of comedy, but I would watch like Jay Leno with my mom because I slept in the same bed as my mom until I was like a sophomore in high school.

That was incredible.

Just like scared scared of the dark.

Like, she literally had to tell me, she literally, I'll never forget.

We used to watch solid.

Everyone who's making fun of Chris for continuously talking about how he's secretly gay,

the guy's got some bulletproof points here.

Coming, no contact, sleeping in bed with his mother until he's fucking 15.

He had pubes sleeping in bed with his mother.

Well, that's what my mom, that's what my mom literally had to tell me.

That was the cutoff.

Well, no, she said to me, she was like, Chris, like, your bedroom, first of all, she was like, we live in a very small apartment in Queens.

So your bedroom wall shares a bedroom wall with mine.

She goes, so I have a, she had a serious boyfriend at the time.

She was like, so I have a serious boyfriend now.

She was like, and you are literally getting in the way of our relationship because he wants to come sleep over and try to be a family here.

And you're in the bed with me.

So

she said, so literally, she let me transition out.

I swear to God.

to God.

And this is the one time she let me do this.

And I think it was smart by her because I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable.

Let's go to my room.

15 years old.

Oh my god, dude,

you don't want to beat off in your own bed, dude.

I would just do it when she went to work.

I would just do it like in the shower.

Yeah, dude.

You find ways when you grow up in a small apartment, you just find ways taking shits.

Like, you just have to find it.

I just mean the bedroom as a 15-year-old, your own room.

That's when you're in the room.

So, she slept over one day.

He slept over one night, and she let me transition out and sleep on the floor in her bedroom.

While he's in there, yes,

like a fucking dog.

Yeah, you're at the foot of your mom and your

would-be stepdads like a micro.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fucking crazy, dude.

Yeah.

This is incredible.

So she let me, so, but even I, I woke up, I remember at like four o'clock in the morning and I was like, this is weird.

You're like, what am I doing?

Yeah, well, that's good.

She sort of, that's, to bring a dog analogy, she sort of rubbed your nose in the piss of sleeping in her room.

That's why I said she's like a great mom and like thought forward because she was like, oh, if he's, he's not going to want to be around us.

And she was right.

And it was even my dad, because my dad obviously didn't like any of my mom's boyfriends.

So my dad was kind of like liked it.

He was like, yeah, keep sleeping.

He was like, I was just going to say, there's some clear psychological,

I think you were pretending to be scared on some level to cock block your mother.

100%.

Because

you did want to sabotage her relationships.

Yeah, like

one of her boyfriends was like this.

Jack dude that was like amazing at tennis.

And I remember like my dad just being like, your mother's into guys who play tennis now,

like, what a what?

And I was like, Which is hilarious because your dad cheated on her and left, right?

No, he didn't cheat on her, but they did.

No, he actually never cheated on her.

Oh, wow, they did just Italian, I just assumed.

No, sorry, no, I've seen your dad.

No, I would have guessed.

He looks like a guy who likes pussy.

That's all I'm saying.

He likes lasagna and pussy.

If I could look at your dad, that's what we said at a next game together.

I was like, this guy rules.

Who's rules?

He, no, he they divorced because my uh dad uh gambled, they had to save $9,000 for like, you know, like their life, whatever.

And my dad gambled it all on a game between the New York Mets and Montreal Expos.

And he lost it all and he tried to like double or nothing, get it back.

And then he didn't pay the money back.

And he had to get from my grandfather on my mom's side.

He had to get money loaned from him to pay these guys back.

And then one day,

somebody called my mother's house and I was like, you got a menacing call.

Yeah, when I was a baby, and they were like, we're going to break, we'll hurt you, and we'll hurt your son, Christopher.

And my mom's immediate thought was, let me get on an an Amtrak train and take us to the Amish country.

And I wound up for two months in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, being fed shoe fly pie by some Amish wet nurse.

That's where the tits come from.

Yeah.

That's where you have to frame out with your true class.

You got this Amish pie tits.

And so, okay.

Well, either way.

Fully his fault.

100%.

So it's just funny to be like, I fucked this relationship up and put my family in jeopardy.

And now she wants to get, she wants to move on with her life.

Fuck him, bitch.

Sleep in the bed, Chris.

Yeah.

Effort.

But it was even, I remember that night, it was like a transition night.

Like, I had to sleep in my bed, and I was like terrified, even though the room was right there.

Because, you know, whatever, just have this anxiety issues.

And then my, I told my dad the next morning, because I had a cell phone at that time, and I thought he was going to, like, he was always on my side.

Like, yeah, you're right, whatever.

But he was like, you know, you shouldn't be sleeping in the bed anymore.

He goes, it's actually kind of weird.

Even your dad.

So once my dad turned on me, I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

So my dad was like, like, you should sleep like you're 15.

Yeah.

You know, whatever.

Folks, it's summertime.

It's hot.

Your balls are hanging low.

They're soft.

Yes.

You don't want the other part of your cock and balls combo being soft and droopy.

Do you?

What I want to see in you guys out there is your rock-hard penises.

I'm on level 10.

Dude, I'm sick and tired of.

I want to chip a tooth on your cock.

Dude, I was in the pool last week and I see this guy getting out of the pool and i'm like look at his flimsy little uncircumcised penis let's not get crazy i wanted to the way god made us that's true but i but if he was hard and uncircumcised it's a different it would roll back dude i wanted to literally slip a blue chew pill that i had in my pockets chris they're chewable tablets please right but no but they're tablets oh yeah right so i wanted to slip the blue chew tablet i had in my pocket i wanted to slip it through the slit of his dick like it's a coin machine and like i was getting a gum in it don't work like that yeah yeah Well, you can chew it with your dick.

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But then, dude, you know what's crazy?

It's like then when I would like became like sexually active with my very first girlfriend, I was like a senior in high school, I would exclusively want to have sex with her in my mom's bed.

Okay, you're that weird?

And now when she mentioned it and she was like, This is weird.

You really were doing that.

She was like, Let's go in your room.

You're not joking.

No, because I was just like, that felt like my room.

What the fuck are you talking about?

This is fucking insane.

You were like, is that weird?

I want to fuck.

The only real time I want to fuck a woman is when she's in my mother's bed.

The place I slept until I was 15.

Nothing to interrogate about that.

Is that why I was in child psychologist?

And now the only way you can come is if your wife is in bed with another man and you're sleeping on the floor jacking off.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Some guy's got to have a tennis racket in the bed while you hear them fucking jack off at the foot of the bed.

And I have to have my dad in the earpiece telling me I'm weird.

And I have to have Jasmine in Old Lady Cologne from the QVC.

Holy shit.

It's weird, right?

Yeah, man, that's weird.

Yeah.

So that's why I became a comedian.

Not because I watched late night Comedy Central Premium Blend.

Holy fuck, man.

That's incredible.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, it's

we all have a path, right?

We do, man.

Yeah, that's a very interesting path.

I'll never forget one of my aunts, you know, who loves me very much, but I'll never forget the word she used to describe me once, and I overheard it.

I was maybe 19 years old.

Yeah.

And she was like, yeah.

And, you know, my nephew, one of my nephews, she's like, you know, he's very funny.

She's like, but he is disturbed.

Disturbed.

She used LA.

And I remember literally eating like a mozzarella stick that my mom had microwave being like, oh, that hurts.

Disturbed.

Disturbed.

You don't want to be described as disturbed.

That's tough.

Yeah.

What were you, were you doing anything else?

Like, she didn't see you sleeping in the bed.

No, no, but I'm sure, you know, my sister, so I'm sure my mom would be like,

Christopher is like, I have a, like, she probably asked, because I have a cousin the same age.

She must be like, hey, does your daughter want to sleep in the bed with you?

They're seniors in high school.

Is that an issue?

That's awesome.

But so, so, yeah, so I just, when I think back sometimes, because now that I have kids, I'm like, oh, I hope my kids don't have like the peculiarities that I do.

Are they showing anything?

No, nothing.

My stepson is just like a normal, you know, like at 15, 15-year-olds these days are like like they play video games all day and they're not like as social as like we were, but they're not like going out in the press.

It's just the way the kids are.

He's social just in a different way.

In a different way.

Yeah, he talks to his friends online.

You're like, yeah, this kid's weird.

He doesn't even ask to sleep in the bed with us.

Yeah, it's weird.

A lot of times I'll be like in bed with Jazz.

I'm like, come on, dude.

That's why we got a California king, dude.

Get in the foot.

Get in the foot like a good 15 year old.

Come on, dude.

I used to have to sleep in the bed with my mom and queen.

Yeah.

These kids these days

are totally ungrateful.

They don't get, we had to sleep in a twin with our moms in the bag.

These kids get a kid.

You're like, Chris, didn't you grow up in a three-bedroom apartment?

I'm like, that's not the point.

It's just two empty bedrooms.

You're in a sleeping.

You're like, mom, can we actually get in my sleeping bag?

Yeah.

Well, you know what's crazy too is like my room, when my family, when my, you know, my family now comes back, my mother still lives in the same apartment.

And my room is like untouched.

Like, you would think that like she had like a son die.

Yeah.

She like has not.

And I want some kid got like some kid got like uh you know abducted with the day the challenger exploded.

Right.

And she's left the room.

She's left the room completely.

It's like he'll be back.

We're still just looking for him.

The police, God bless our boys in blue.

They're following every lead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're family members.

Yeah.

I know.

It's like I still have like my sheets.

Like I'll take a picture of it.

Josh if I if I can I'll send it.

Like my sheets are still these like like baseball, like just generic like guys with like holding bats.

And then my pillowcase is this big mitt, like a capture's mitt.

It's a cute pillowcase.

And I have like this NYX poster up from like 1994 when they went to the finals.

Like she left it untouched, where even my daughter, my older daughter, was like, why do your sheets, like, why does she still have kids' sheets there?

Like, she thought maybe there was a kid that still lived in that room.

Wow.

Because she was like, why does Grammy have like little boy sheets in the room?

And like,

Grammy went through a lot with daddy.

Yeah.

And I think I might have psychologically impacted her well-being as well.

You couldn't, you didn't want to grow up.

And now she's like, Where's my little boy?

Yeah, she's expecting you to come back at any moment.

It's also funny,

you know, I think it's for psychological reasons, but maybe that's why you didn't want to fuck on your little kid sheets.

You're like, Yeah, maybe it feels weird to get hit on an Aladdin bedspread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's like, it's like, I don't want to come on my ultimate warrior, doll.

Yeah, that's beautiful, man.

I mean, yeah, that is fucking hilarious.

I had no other hang-ups other than being fat.

Like, I ate all my feelings.

I didn't have any weird sex stuff, really, right?

Other than not being so I just have a classic childhood incel bring, you know, upbringing where it's like I would have loved everything.

I do is for attention.

I think from women, it's like it starts like you start doing it because it's like, oh, being funny in class is the only time the hot girls look at me.

Right.

And then you just kind of chase that.

And so it's pretty, it's food in that.

And it's like, I realized at one point that all my

I am recreating,

my mom was a waitress, and I would watch SNL Saturday to wait until she came home.

And sometimes she came home with tins of leftover calamari from the Greek restaurant.

Oh, that's awesome.

And it was like my best nights as a little kid were waiting for

a tin, too.

And it was a tiny bit of calamari with a little mercury in it.

Yo, do you like that?

Low-gross calamari.

It's so delicious, though.

Delicious.

So good.

Icados Restaurant, may it rest in peace.

It's no longer in business.

I hope it comes back.

That was your family's restaurant.

No, no, no.

Fuck.

We weren't there.

She just worked there.

She worked there.

Yeah.

And my best nights were watching SNL.

And this would have been like the Sandler, the end of the Sandler Farley years.

I'm a little kid, right?

I'm born in 89.

Or maybe even like the early Ferrell years, whatever.

Maybe I watched the

Sandler ones on rerun on Comedy Central.

But, you know, in that zone, in the mid-90s.

These legends.

And, you know,

I'm talking four or five years old.

And my dad doesn't give a fuck.

He'll let me watch whatever.

That's when my dad was supervising me.

So I could watch SNL at like five years old, six years old.

And the best nights of childhood were a woman I love bringing me fried food and watching comedy with me.

And I'm like, I have,

I'm chasing that feeling.

Right.

I do the comedy now.

And now I'm, I order the fried food.

And then I search my DMs for a woman who I don't love,

but who can sort of, you know, fulfill a similar, you know, some cycle, the way you wanted to fuck on your mom's bed I want to like eat fried food after comedy yeah you know yeah you're like you're like hey

can you come over with a pencil in your ear and a notebook can you stick around can you be around a fryer for four hours just put calamari slowly on my cock while I jerk it to Big Daddy

yeah do not if you don't bring the fetus stained apron don't even come

and grow the hair out on your arms a little that's what I like

yeah it's beautiful though man but hey your fucked up psychology has brought you where you are today

Yeah.

And

we haven't even talked about the fact that you literally, you know,

you have started sucking the Illuminati's dick.

You were, you co-you guest-hosted.

Yes, hosted.

Your second guest-hosting stint of the summer.

Yes.

You guest-hosted Kimmel, which is crazy.

I mean, a true

late-night show.

What I like, what I'm really, that's insane.

Did any of this come up?

Were you telling celebrities about jacking off?

Yeah, I was sitting there with Julie Bowen, just being like, hey, did you, I'd love to have sex with you in my mother's room

on ABC with my mother front row in the crowd.

You know what's crazy is I felt so good about that performance.

And you did great, by the way.

And of course I didn't watch.

Nobody watches late night.

I watched the clips, but you crushed it.

And look, I thought you were going to do good because you're great.

I think you're hilarious, but you really were a fucking natural up there, dude.

Like, it was really good.

I appreciate that.

And I love that it came all came just in time for late night to be over.

I mean, I proved it to the world.

By the way, been over.

It's not now official.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like, you guessed us.

They're like, Colbert's canceled.

Yeah, yeah.

I have a manager.

My manager, James Baby Dahl Dixon, who's awesome.

It's the manager of...

Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Colbert, Bill Simpson, like all anybody.

He's getting into print media.

He's the guy in this guy.

He is the guy that makes late night stuff happen.

And his response was, Chrissy, baby, that was awesome.

He goes, I wish this was 15 years ago and we'd be able to get your show.

So I'm like, so anything for now?

He's like, keep doing that podcast.

He's like, yeah.

Maybe two Bears will need two extra episodes.

Yeah, maybe Bird and Tom will take a little long.

Maybe we'll be reshoots.

Yeah, that does.

And we'll have the fall bears for four weeks.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe Tom will break his other leg on the set of the movies on.

And then we can come and, you know.

But it is one of those things where, because, you know, we were talking about this before, like podcasting.

You know,

we come on here, you know, we have some things we want to talk about.

Most of it's you and I are just freelancing.

We're just freelancing, going with the flow.

With late night TV, first of all, I really do genuinely have to say, the way that, I only have experience with Jimmy Kimmel, but

the way that that show is run is so insane.

Like, I've never seen a more efficiently run business than that.

Like, everybody knows exactly what they're supposed to do, when they're supposed to do it.

And even Jimmy himself, who was like on vacation, like, he's, he has guest hosts because he's like taking the summer off.

He's in Italy, wherever the hell he's at.

And even he's like texting me, like, hey,

I'm going to have to need, I'm going to need to check in on this one.

Yeah.

Jellyroll, he'll handle it.

But

I'm going to give a short leash on to Stephanie.

He literally is like, send me the monologue.

And then I read the monologue, his notes.

He's like, I love these jokes, except after every single one, can you just yell, fuck Trump?

And I'm like, I can't upset my bass.

Yeah, you're already kidding.

You're the opposite of Schultz, where you're like, I wish I would have had him on.

Yeah, anyway.

you're like, you're trying to get him on now?

Yeah.

Publicly, President Trump, I love what you're doing these days.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like Cynthia.

Epstein did kill himself, President Trump.

Come on, Chrissy Chaos.

Yes.

So, so, you know, even Jimmy, like, helping them with the monologue, the writers, these guys, Josh and Danny, like, unbelievable.

Like, you go in, because the way it is, is, you know, I mean, this is a little in the weeds, but maybe some people find this interesting.

Probably not, but go do it fast.

Yeah,

90 seconds.

I'm going to do this like an ad read.

Yeah.

Just Just imagine we're telling you to buy true classic t-shirts.

So

you come in, the days are not that long.

It's like you get in at 10 a.m.

and you're done.

You film that show from 4 p.m.

to 5 p.m.

So you're out by 5 p.m.

So I was walking out of there at 5.15, like having dinner with my family.

It's like crazy.

But you come in,

they have a whole bunch of monologue jokes that you read out loud to a room.

And

there are no pity laughs.

Their job is to say, we will laugh if you think this money is good enough.

So the first round, you are, I mean, eating it.

You are eating it

in front of like 40 people.

Like, you're eating it because you got to read these jokes.

And the ones that get even a slight laugh, there's okay, circle those.

And then you work and work and work.

And then by the time then at 2 p.m., you fully rehearse the monologue.

But like the writers are writing the entire day.

Yeah, yeah.

And you're putting some of your spin on it, some of you know, the topical spin on it.

And then all the guests are pre-interviewed.

So like I had like 10 questions for each guest.

And believe it or not, all the guests guests were like Julie Bowen, Hannah Waddingham, or just two smoke shows.

Hannah Wadingham was looking.

I clicked to be like, let's support my boy.

And I'm like,

do I need to fucking watch Ted Lasso?

Dude,

she is.

She is like stunning.

And then Julie Bowen.

She was out of control.

Julie Bowen jumped on the desk at one point.

I saw that.

Yeah.

And then Jasmine was standing there with a nine millimeter in the green room.

You see her like

putting on the silencer.

Yeah.

Get off the desk, baby.

Yeah, Jazz, literally, as soon as I got back out there when the show was like over, I was like, finally done.

Now, do they know when they get booked?

Is it like when you ask someone to do your podcast,

when they find out it's you, is it like, they put me on the Patreon?

Is that what they feel like when it's you?

Yeah.

Like, what the fuck, man?

Well, the only one

is Julie, like, she

found out like the day before and she was like on the verge of canceling, but then she found out I used to be a physical therapist.

So she was like, oh, I want to ask him about that.

But then she never asked me about that.

Instead, she just jumped on the desk and she put her butt in my hand.

That's pretty cool.

And I had to just face Jasmine 20 minutes after.

And Jasmine just goes, You know, I'm mad, but

we're not going to deal with it now.

We're going to have a good time.

We're going to Disneyland tomorrow.

We'll address it when we get home.

We'll address it post-goofy.

Yeah, we'll address it when we get home.

But then, you know, we've been home now for a couple of days and she hasn't said anything until I've reminded her on this project.

That's right, right.

That's good.

But so, you know, you ask those questions.

And to be honest with you, the hardest interview in that setting was with Shane because Shane and I prepared the least because we were like, oh, we'll just kick it.

But then you realize, like, that's not a podcast.

Like, you, you got it in seven minutes, you got to find out

what's interesting, what's funny, have a bit.

And so, me and Shane, like, we had a great time, but we both were like, oh, this was hard.

Like, this, we even said, Shane even said, he was like, this is harder than a pod

on the TV.

We did just say slurs and get them bleeped out later.

Yeah, we were just like, but, but it was, it was one of those opportunities that I kind of, it's in a weird way even though late night is is ending and there's no doesn't feel like there's an opportunity to host late night.

It did give me like this sense of confidence like oh I can do that and I started to care less about like my ticket sales not being where they were or like you know just any type of insecurity I've had about me.

I've kind of been like oh, but you you you because it was one of those things where like a lot of times I'll do something in in my career and I'll be like, yeah, you laughed at it, but I know it's bullshit.

That wasn't as funny as you thought.

I only sold tickets because it's a Saturday late show.

This is the Chrissy Psychology episode.

Welcome to my world.

Jesus Christ.

Sleeping in bed with your mom and dad.

I'll have good things happen.

I'll say, you're a fat piece of shit.

You should have gotten your ass eaten, you fucking homo.

That's really what I was saying to Josh when I said, get me a croissant.

I really wanted to say, lick my ass, and I'll put my hands up like I'm on a roller coaster.

But I felt confident about it.

I felt good.

And I also just kind of, dude, and by the way, I haven't said this publicly yet, but Mr.

Kimmel, if you're watching, and we know that you are, the way I was, because I was very nervous, the way I was deeply farting into your seat

is like you should absolutely get it, you know, go to Stanley's cleaners.

I mean, dude, I'm talking about where I ripped a fart with Hannah that I, because I could not hold it.

That I was like, if she.

She's a nervous farter.

Because I couldn't get, if she smelled that, which maybe she did, there's no way to be like, it wasn't me.

Like, if she would have addressed, what does that smell like?

I I would have said I just shit my pants on national television because

when I get nervous, it just, you know,

I was also drinking a ton of psyllium husk, which is like cleans out your colon.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because I just want to feel as felt as possible.

Wow.

So I was just like, isn't that what bottoms do before they get their ass fucked?

I mean, it's all, we're literally like, we aren't

forever.

It's just like bullet points.

Yes.

The Turkish military is just like, he was so close, and they're just crossing.

He cannot fight for freaking psyllium husk.

Yeah,

I had problems shitting, and I would take, I try some of that stuff, but if you take too much of it, you'll get backed up.

It's actually a mistake to do.

So what I'm saying is

if you're overdoing the psyllium husk, or something like that.

So when I was over in LA, I was overdoing it.

I was taking two tablespoons of it.

So now

I've called a doctor friend, and he said, you should do half of a tablespoon.

So now I take it, and it's just, now I'll just take like a beautiful, because you're, they come out in a nice log.

Gut health is, if you take a beautiful S-shaped shit, that's what you want to see when you look in the bowl if you see s-shaped yes for scut health curls yes you want it to be curled and you want it sinking to the bottom you want a nice dense floating s-shaped log okay and then you know i got a nice i had a c I had a nice dense c today because you want it to basically go through like your colon and like clean everything out but if you are just splattering it like a paintball that's not good yeah yeah I've got I've been there I've definitely had some uh Jackson Pollock some Jackson Pollock bowel movements that's most of my life Yeah.

You don't want your shit to look like Nickelodeon.

Yeah, that brown gak.

I think this gak went bad.

Yeah, but I mean, would you, would you, if Jimmy gave or any late-night host gave you the opportunity to do it, would you do it or would you be like, I don't want to even go into that world?

I would love to.

I mean, I would love to almost like

because it is like

nerd fantasy factory stuff.

The way that like investment bankers pay to like pretend they're on the Yankees for a week, right?

Didn't they used to do that where it's like they would do that in like the 90s.

They still do fantasy camp.

My friends go to it.

They do Mets Fantasy Camp.

Yeah, exactly.

My accountant does it.

That's always a good text to get from your accountant.

I'll be unavailable for two weeks during tax season because

I'm making believe I'm a pitcher for the Mets in Florida.

I mean, that's hysterical.

Yeah, he does.

Like

grown men do.

It's one thing if it was like for kids, but I would do it because of that.

I would do it because I'm a comedy nerd, because I love that stuff, because not only I, you know, I respect late night, but also one of my favorite shows is the Larry Sanders show, which is all about what it was like to be, and it would just be like, you know, I'm a fan of comedy, and I just want to try every I would love to do it for sure.

You know what I think, too?

Like, late night, I understand the format as is, is going away.

I mean, even every, you know, the host, Kimmel will admit that to you.

Like, everybody knows it's going away.

Colbert, obviously, you know, is going away.

But I do think it'll stay around in some capacity, but probably not on a nightly basis, maybe like once a week, like a Jon Stewart.

The way Jon Stewart does it seems to be like, okay, if it's going to happen, it'll be like a once-a-week show.

Well, I really.

not a night one.

I did Mulaney Show on Netflix.

I love what they're doing.

Yeah.

It's like, that's loose.

It's conversational.

It's something different.

It's the live aspect was really cool.

Oh, there's a live studio audience there.

No, but I mean, when we're going, it's going out into the world.

So it's.

Mulaney Show, whatever you're saying.

Zero edits.

Zero edits.

It's just cool.

That's cool.

And that felt gave it a real sense of energy.

And so, like, they're doing, people are doing interesting stuff.

And it's like that, right?

Where it's like, it's not every day.

You did it for a specific set amount of time.

So yeah, I I think live, weirdly, might be the solution because it felt cool.

It felt like, and then, you know, kids, that's what every kid takes in all their, I think we're going backwards where it's like, it's going to be like a live simulcasts because what's the most successful thing in the world is fucking Twitch streaming.

Yes.

Like, it's just kids online constantly.

Yeah.

Shout out to Hassan.

Shout out to Hassan Podcast.

Yeah.

He's my guy.

You know, it's funny, too, you say, like, going backwards because, like, my kids, dude, we, so it's like, what do they watch?

So, they watch, I mean, first of all, they're watching K-pop and the Demon Hunters, it's the biggest movie in Netflix history.

I mean, these Koreans are taking over, yeah.

So, and I'm ready for it, and I love it.

By the way, the movie K-pop and the Demon Hunters, at first, you're like, I can't keep watching this, but then, like, when the kids fall asleep, you'll just keep watching it.

You're like, I love it.

But, so, what's interesting is my kids have really, like, they love watching Everybody Loves Raymond, Oliva.

Like, they like those situations.

Who works too hard?

It's a great theme song.

Never to serve happy.

Never.

Works too hard, but never stops.

Really?

They watch Old Sitcoin.

So they like that.

And then, dude, the other day on, I think we were, it was Amazon Prime maybe, whatever.

Jasmine was just scrolling and the girls were like, my daughters were like kind of falling asleep or whatever.

And then Jasmine sees Saved by the Bell.

So she puts it on.

And then literally the theme song comes on.

And we just start going, when you wake up in the morning, nigga.

And we're literally, me and Jasmine are singing.

You think, make it on.

Like, it came over us like a like we weren't we weren't saying we're gonna sing the song we just started doing it in harmony where my 10 year old got up and was like what happened yeah what like she was shocked yeah yeah and then she's like what is happening and we're like this is saved by the bell yeah and then she's like what what is this and then the first season of saved by the bell i don't know if you remember like it's weird it's weird like the character it's like miss about this teacher miss bliss who's like barely in it and it's weird but still it's like Zach and Screech and oh dude I remember being a fat little loser and being like I'm Zach yeah you're exactly like Zach.

And then you're Screech.

And then, yeah,

if I could have, even I wish I was Screech.

Didn't Screech get to kiss Lisa once or something?

He kissed Lisa once.

I never got that, dude.

No.

And then, so, and so, so anyway, my daughters, that's like they watch it like they're watching every episode of Save by the Bell Now because I can tell, like, yes, you know, there's matter to you.

But it doesn't even, like, Jazz and I will be like in another part of the house.

It'll be upstairs or whatever.

And they'll just be watching that on their own.

Like, they like that entertainment better than the current stuff.

Like, it was what, oh, they want to watch YouTube and all that, and they still do a little bit, but I'm watching my children transition from like YouTube shorts of like just some guy who's like clearly exploiting his daughter to like so he can be famous.

But he's like, Let's take her to the mall and play a prank.

Yeah, like that guy, big judge or AJ, Big Justice, and AJ.

It's awful.

It's awful.

It literally feels like child abuse, but whatever.

And so,

and so, and so, so they're, and without Jazz and I even saying anything, they're going to watch that, or they'll watch like, you know, Devil Wears Prada.

They'll watch like old school movies.

Like, they love watching, they love watching like anything from Adam Sandler's, like, old stuff.

Like, they watch Click and Big Daddy and all that.

And then I was like, oh, we should start having them watch Woody Allen movies.

And Jazz was like, what?

She was like, Woody Allen?

I was like, we're going to have to tell him about the guy.

I don't know what he was up to.

I was like, the movies are good, though.

Hey, they're my biological daughters.

I'm not going to do nothing.

And my stepkid's a dude.

Yeah.

So we're fine.

Yeah.

I'm not going to go woody mode on them.

Yeah.

And so

it's, it's.

And also it's hilarious because you're like, yeah, they should watch Manhattan.

And then you're like, children are dating adult men.

Isn't Manhattan about it?

He's like dating a 16-year-old or something fucked up.

And then in Annie Hall, there's a moment.

That was the, like, I was enjoying Annie Hall, and it is a great movie, but there was a moment where I'm like, wow, good movie.

And then

there's a scene where his friend is like trying to convince him, tell him how cool LA is.

And he's like, the pussy's unbelievable.

something like this, I'm paraphrasing, but he's like, Max, you know, these girls come up and get a party.

They're unbelievable.

They're twins.

It's like, okay, incest, kind of weird.

He was like, you know, hot, gorgeous.

And then he's like, 16 as like a selling point of like, this is the kind of pussy you can fuck in LA is children.

It's like, and what he's like, you can see him being like, that sounds awesome.

Like in the 70s, 16 was a selling point to these fucking freaks.

Maybe keep your your 11-year-old daughter away from media like that.

I know.

You're like, oh, I just signed them over to this modeling company over this night.

It's in the Caribbean island.

I don't know much about it.

Well, they had it down a couple years, but apparently they're rebuilding.

They're making it greater St.

James now.

Yeah.

I know last week, I swear, we're in the kitchen and we had seen, we had taken the family to see Jurassic Park, and they loved it.

You know, Scarlett Johanson's in it.

And I said to Jazz, I was like, oh, we should watch Match Point.

That has Scarlett Johansson.

It's a Woody Allen movie.

And she's like, you mean the one where they murder Scarlett Johansson?

You want to show Delilah that?

She was just saying how much she loves Scarlett Johansen in Jurassic Park.

So she wasn't eaten by a dinosaur.

You wanted to get murdered and then her body buried and hidden from the law on Match Point.

She's like, are you a dummy?

She's like, we're not putting on that movie for her.

Let's watch The Lovely Bones.

She was like, or we can watch her as a Marvel heroine star.

Would that be empowering for our daughter?

I was like, oh, shit.

I just watched the movie where she actually, again, I don't know why why this keeps happening.

It was a Coen Brothers movie, The Man.

I think it was called The Man from Nowhere.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Can you look that up, Ben Spooney?

But she's in it.

No, The Man from Nowhere is a Korean movie that I watched.

Look up The Man from

something.

The man from Cohen Brothers.

Yeah.

Anyway.

No, not a serious man.

That's a good one, too.

Fuck.

I'm blowing it.

This is bad podcasting.

Who cares?

Well, it doesn't matter.

But yeah, there's a a weird.

There's an old man obsessed with Scarlett Johansson, and she falls in love with him.

Don't show them that movie either.

Dude, you know what was funny?

I took my steps and I got invited to the

Jurassic Park race.

The man who wasn't there, sorry.

Interesting movie.

It's like, you know, Gandalfini's in it.

If you're a Gandalfini fan, who isn't?

Because he didn't do that much film work.

He plays a really interesting character.

But yes, Scarlett Johansson is...

There's a weird relation.

There's a weird.

so don't show this to your daughter.

I'm just telling you not to show your daughters right now.

It's weird.

Well, it's a good movie.

It's cool too because I went with my stepson to the Jurassic Park premiere and it was great.

And, you know, obviously Scarlett Johansson is there.

You know, like it's a premiere.

And it was so funny.

She was obviously gorgeous.

She's wearing like this white dress.

And it was like the first time I ever saw my stepson.

Like, he was lit, because they gave us Jurassic, because he's a child.

They gave him a Jurassic Park Lego set.

So I just watched him holding his Lego set by like the plastic handle, just like looking

at Scarlett Johansson for like way too long.

And I was like, I get it, buddy.

And he was like, what do you mean?

Yeah.

I was like, she's beautiful.

He was like, no, she's not.

And then just, he just walked away with the Lego set in front of his cross, just running back to the car.

And then just ran up to the room and locked his door.

Yeah.

Wow, to the premiere.

Yeah.

Well, you know what's great?

Here's what's awesome.

Here's how I fell into that.

Yeah.

Is what happened is, is when I was doing the Hey Bay podcast with Sal, Volcano, obviously, you know, in practical jokers or whatever, he took me as a plus one once to he gets him.

You know, they get invited to the premieres.

You got to have the chokers at your

Hollywood power player, you got to have

Sal, Murr, and the boys.

Yeah, you need Q and Murr and an earpiece, and then Sal running and giving Colin Joe's an atomic wedgie on the red carpet.

So,

so, so, but, but, you know, it was great.

He took me as his plus one.

That was awesome.

What was it?

It was, um, what was it?

Santino's movie.

What was Santino's movie?

Ricky Stanicki.

Yes.

Yeah.

Ricky Stanicki.

So we went and

so I got made friends with like the person who invited him.

I made friends with that person.

And now I know what happens.

They'll email Sal, he can't make it.

And then I will get emails.

If the rest of the jokers can't make it, and then if the guy, who's the magician on True TV?

Yeah, oh, the Carbonaroo.

The Bolsonaro effect.

Yeah, Bolsonaro's a Brazilian fascist.

Yeah.

That's another show.

The Carbonara effect.

Whatever the hell.

If he can't make it, then you get the call.

Then I get the call.

Because I can always tell, like, if

the premiere, I believe, was like a Tuesday, I get emailed Monday night at 9.45 p.m.

They're like, okay, now we are in desperation mode.

What other New York idiot can just show up?

So I'm thankful to Sal for that.

But that's all.

He's a good friend and doing better than you.

Yes.

So that you can go.

So you can go to the things he used to do for you.

And it's one of those things where I think the person who sends me the emails is always thankful for me because I almost never say no.

I'm always like immediately available.

They're like, yeah, well, if we got a professional seed filler, it would cost us $25 an hour.

Yeah, this is free.

We'll just do it for free.

Yeah, and he'll post it.

Yeah.

It'll be good.

He'll talk about it on a pond.

Yeah, yeah.

But it was, by the way, let me just, I don't know if you've seen it, but the new Jurassic Park, I personally think, is the best one.

It is.

There's no way that's true.

It's underwater.

You mean including the first Jurassic Park?

It's not.

Okay.

It's the second best one since the first one.

But dude, don't.

Wow.

High praise.

If you bring Chris Destefano to your PR event, you're going to get quotes like cool quotes like that.

It's the second best one since the first one.

Yeah.

That's

your

first one.

It's middle-of-the-road Jurassic Park movie, but it is underwater, and his son did get hard at the premiere.

That's the thing.

Nothing controversial.

Yeah.

You can have that or the joker's your call.

It is, no, it's awesome

because it's all the whole, there's a, you know, first of all, dinosaurs start eating people immediately.

Love that.

Then you get underwater.

Yeah, the whole, there's, there's, I heard, I haven't seen it yet, but I heard the cool elements were that there is, it's almost like video game-like where there's different bosses.

There's sea, air, yes, and like land.

Yes.

Oh, yeah, dude.

The one in the air, these pterodactyls are like, because what the premise of the movie is, is basically like they're mutant dinosaurs.

I love that.

They abandoned the real Jurassic Park, which we knew as kids.

You know, they abandoned Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park

35 years ago.

And now they've just been, but the scientists, before they left, you know, basically left the dinosaurs a bunch of steroids and mutation things and they've eaten them all and procreated.

So now you have like a T-Rex with like half a head that's 10 times too big or, you know, some sea monster that's like a football field long.

Okay.

And it was just awesome.

And they have to get their jiz or something, right?

Or

they have to get some of their blood.

I'm not even kidding.

It sounds like I'm making a joke.

They have to get their DNA.

No, they have to get their DNA in order to cure heart disease amongst humans.

Really?

It makes sense, dude.

Okay.

Well, everything you're saying, you're selling it great.

Yeah, it makes sense.

We were all sitting in the movie being like, can't they just take statins?

Do they not have just regular cholesterol-lowering medicine?

Interesting.

Yeah, I haven't seen that.

I saw Eddington, which I really liked.

It's actually an Ari Asher movie.

It's about, it's like a COVID movie, which I thought it would be too early for.

And part of me was a little like, I'm like, ah, I don't really want to think about the pandemic.

But it basically takes place.

It's like

a small town sheriff

is

in this town and I think the southwest somewhere, maybe Arizona or something.

And he's.

I was going to say Wuhan.

No, no, no.

He's like, he's like,

it's in, yeah, it's in the, it's in somewhere in the desert, right?

And he, and Joaquin Phoenix plays a small town sheriff who's like, you know, masks are bullshit.

And

Pedro Pascal plays like kind of like a centrist lib politician who's like, hey, we have to have, you know, we have to, and then Pascal's, or I'm sorry.

Joaquin's married to Emma Stone, who's like, mom is a crazy QAnon.

Like, it hits all the, like, and there's all these like Black Lives Matter kids.

You get, you know, like, young, and then there's like, there's a very, there's very funny, and it's like an insane movie,

but I really loved it.

It was like, it was, there was, there was some incredible laugh.

There's one big laugh at the end of the movie, even though it, and it's got like some very, some crazy twists and turns, but some great acting performances.

I think Ari Ash is a great filmmaker.

You know, he did Hereditary, which is.

Oh, Hereditary is one of the scariest movies I've ever seen in my life.

Yeah, I mean, he.

When Tony Colette starts banging her head off the wall and you're terrified of your mother like that?

Dude, and I'm not, I was not.

Like, he definitely doesn't sleep in the bed with his mom.

No, no, or maybe he does too much.

Yeah,

yeah, some he's got, he shares some kind of uh, some kind of psychology with you for sure.

Yeah, but yeah, I wasn't a horror movie guy literally until I saw Hereditary, and that kind of got me more into the genre.

And now, I, and then I, being a fucking, the fat idiot I am, now I've, I'm just into like 80s horror movies that are basically soft horror pornography.

You ever seen Midsummer?

Yeah, he did Midsummer.

Did he do that all day?

I knew there was Kinect because it reminds me of it.

So yeah, he's great.

And so it's a weird, it's a strange, it's two and a half hours long, but I really liked it.

I thought it was really fun.

So, go check it out.

So, anyway, that's Stavin Chrissy's movie corner for some reason.

There it is.

But it's very important to note: it is episode 300.

Yes.

Right?

And you can tell how much Tom and Bert care because we're here.

We're here.

You can tell how much Josh cares with a leaned over three

and two zeros that look like buttons.

This is what he means.

You guys are zero.

We have two zeros

hosting this episode.

Yeah.

yeah that's what he really wants to say so uh so uh we have you know last week or yes or the first episode we had uh burt had a video message now uh our dear one half of our dear leader tom yeah has left us a message for this episode so let's let's let's use that to take us out here folks let's see what uh big timmy's got to say to us yeah

Look at that svelte face, nice manicured.

Yeah, he does, he does at the same time, he looks like he's very, he does look like, like just this picture alone, he does look like a gay daddy.

Yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, leather daddy.

Yes, and he does kind of look like my dad right now, right?

My dad has a similar bald head, gray beard, thin like this, right?

Tom's like nice and fat.

No, I know you would assume my dad's, you know, fat as shit.

My dad is actually, he's actually not as veldt as Tommy, but

he does remind me a little of my father right now.

Hey guys, big fan of the pod.

I just want to congratulate you on your 300th episode.

Thanks, man.

I personally preferred you way, way, way more than the previous hosts.

And I look at the comments.

I think there are 300 more episodes of you guys and just you guys doing this podcast.

So

you've really come a long way.

And I'm a big fan of the podcast.

Thank you.

I'll never

do that pod myself again, but I'm glad you guys are doing it.

I also wanted to point out that

I guess maybe I'm like Chris because

we're both a little gay.

A little stretch.

I do want to defend the fact that as a woman,

I'm not going to stand for any slander of Tom as a lady.

I was cute.

That's a cute

chick.

And both of you, let's be honest, both of you would fuck that girl.

Savi, I'm not even going to entertain the idea that you wouldn't.

I didn't say I wouldn't fuck her.

Yeah, you would too.

Yeah.

Bert's bitch-ass look, he was, yeah, she was dirty and he was gross.

Yeah, mine was.

She's a nice girl.

She was nice.

She is.

I just think that you would come with her.

100%.

She looks like the kind of girl that I'd have sex with after a Trump rally.

She had kind eyes.

I will.

And at least it did feel like a woman as opposed to Bert's, which did feel like Bert.

But

your point is taken, Tom.

Yeah.

And nice try.

We don't want, well, listen, we're playing violin on the Titanic right now, but we're getting out on one of the lifeboats.

You cocksuckers are coming back in five weeks, in four weeks, or whatever it is.

Nice try trying to saddle us with this dude.

I like Tom's 1950s secretary women glasses too.

I like that.

You should put those glasses on the girl version.

Oh, fuck you, because you look like Hannah Gatsby.

That's more your speech.

Yeah, that's more your time.

That was why I like Australian women.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what?

That's fair.

I actually did feel.

I re-looked at, because we posted the clip.

I looked at it.

I agree with Tom.

Yeah.

Point rescinded.

And I never said I wouldn't fuck her, I don't think.

No, no.

I just, you know.

We were actually clearly stating that we wouldn't have sex with Burke, but we would both have sex with Toad.

Okay, Grant.

And that's what I thought.

Yeah, yeah.

And I was, I was, I run the tape and we're just lying.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Josh puts it in.

We're like, fuck it.

It's that bitch.

Yeah, boone up to his tricks again.

We got spooned.

Yeah, we did get spooned.

But I think, I honestly think that I thought Tom is a beautiful man and a beautiful woman.

I'll say that.

I agree.

No, that's fair.

And that's the note to end episode 300 on.

That's it.

Thank you guys for listening.

We are having fun.

We will not do this podcast full time.

Let's just put that in.

I'll give you my lawyer to make sure.

Actually, I'm going to go look at the contract I signed because I bet you that we fucking, we didn't agree well enough.

And they're like, after the sixth episode, you stop payment, but you have to do it forever.

You have to do it forever.

Yeah.

Because I bet you that's what we signed.

So I'm going to go talk to my lawyer and we'll see you guys next week.

Bye-bye.