This Episode Is Getting Us Fired w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

What's up, everybody?

Welcome to yet another episode of Two Bears, One Cave, aka the Summer Bears.

I'm Chris Estefano.

This is Tavros Halikis.

Halkius.

Halkeus.

But I like.

The I goes after the K.

Why?

I'm sorry, man.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

You've taken up with my ancestors.

We got Josh Zolo, a.k.a.

Benson Spoon on the ones and twos.

He looks like Benson Boone going through estrogen therapy.

One month into HRT.

Yeah, dude.

Softer Benson, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, we should.

I would kill to see Josh attempt a backflip.

Oh, my God.

It would be so great to just do these great episodes here in New York, and then Josh just goes back a full paraplegic,

and then he finally gets his wish of getting on Kill Tony.

Oh, fuck.

Dude, I mean, so this is it.

We're here.

We're dressed to impress today.

That's right.

We both have on our outfits of how we would appear in court.

Absolutely, dude.

No, dude, I got to go to court after this.

I got some

Chrissy court dates, some disputes.

You were caught shoplifting women's jorts.

Yes.

Because the cut is better for your hips.

Yeah, I was, well, no, actually, what happened was I was caught impersonating a police officer, which normally is okay, but I got caught by the wrong cop.

So now I have to go appear in court for that.

And this is my court outfit.

That's nuts.

From head to toe,

everything was purchased at the Queen's Center Mall.

I love that.

We got a Queen's Center from Czar.

Alfani.

Yes.

That looks like Alfani.

This is Alfani.

These jeans are

guests.

Oh, yep.

I got the boots down here.

Chelsea boots.

Chelsea boots, probably from Foot Locker.

Yep.

And this is just, but honestly, because you can't go into a Queen's district court like too too fancy.

Then they'll know you're like,

then they'll know you're guilty.

Who does this guy think he is?

Yeah.

You got a necktie on.

Yeah, what are you doing?

Like, I'm coming dressed as like, this is how we would all dress at like, you know, going to our cousins' christenings at the Knights of Columbus

off Queens Boulevard.

So this is what I feel like a Queens County district judge wants to see.

To be like, this guy is just being, this is him like in a tuxedo.

Of course.

Absolutely tuxedo.

Because if you come in an actual tuxedo suit, they're going going to be like, what?

All right, now you're...

Well, tuxedo is insane.

It's like step brothers where you're like, you know, they don't understand what a suit is.

That would be awesome.

You come in in a top hat.

Dude, have you ever been in court?

Like, have you ever had to get cross-examined?

No, no.

Never?

No, never have.

How many times have you been?

Actually, this is my second time.

Okay, that's not so.

It's pretty nuts, too, because it's like they, like, you think it's easy because like we talk for a living and like we can handle situations, but then like when you're out there and like a professional lawyer yeah, is catching you in every lie possible.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

And they keep reminding you, like, you are committing perjury.

You're under oath, and then

they bring your girlfriend over to ask you if you were actually texting your boy Stephen the other day, or if that's somebody else.

Why do you have a Snapchat?

And let's remind you: you're under oath, Mr.

DeStefano.

Is it really for marketing purposes?

Are you really plugging dates on Snapchat, Mr.

DeStefano?

Yeah.

You know, I

so, and it gets, gets, it gets hard, but I think I'm prepared for this one.

I know what I'm going to say.

What I'm going to say for the net for an hour.

I don't know who put that hard drive in my in my RAV4.

I'm just going to literally have the hand on the Bible the whole time and go, I bleed the fifth.

I bleed the fifth.

I bleed the fifth.

Yeah.

So this, the first time you were in court, it's not, it was never criminal, right?

These are the courts.

No, no, no, no.

The first time I was in court, I was actually getting sued over a physical therapy thing.

Really?

That's right.

I forget about your past as a physical therapist.

And it wasn't even me, actually.

Like, I just had to go as, like, what do they call it?

Like a character witness.

It was my boss who was getting sued because he was, I think, fully committing medical malpractice.

Really?

And so they just had, they were basically, it was

he'd up to.

He's just being Russian.

Yeah.

That's what those guys do.

Yeah.

So he's like jerking off a kid with

Parkinson's.

He's like,

this will solve.

Yeah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Just holding his hand there, the kid's Parkinson.

Just like getting his thing jerked.

Yeah, if you jerk off a guy with Parkinson's, could you just hold your hand straight?

Parkinson's would do it for you.

You don't have to do anything.

Just oil up your palm and let him fucking convolve.

Yeah, dude, he was just tea-bagging every patient he thought was Ukrainian.

So, but no, because what happened was, is what a lot of these guys, if you have ever looked at your insurance bills, if you ever had to go to whatever, doctor physical therapy, you know, they kind of sometimes bill, it's all codes.

They sometimes bill these insurance companies like you have come in and like, okay, yeah, knee pain, whatever.

But then they'll bill like something crazy where the insurance companies sometimes don't even look and they'll pay the therapist more money, but you didn't have that injury.

Gotcha, gotcha.

Right?

So they'll inflate stuff to make more money.

And I think he was doing that.

And they basically just asked me, they're like, Did you ever see him like doing anything like inflating

records and all that?

And I was just like, no, I have not seen that.

Well, he told me because I think he was like Russian mafia.

So he just not, I'm saying saying plead the fifth.

He's like, you just plead the fifth.

That's self-incrimination.

Well, he was.

Were you allowed to?

I don't know.

That's what he told me to do.

And then, and then the law, but the lawyer, then the lawyer, overall lawyers, like the legal team, were like, we're going to ask you, like, you're not even big enough in this case to even be cross-examined.

So, like, will you all come up as like a character witness for him saying he's good guys?

So, like,

we're going to ask you like softball questions.

And they were like, you know, was he always nice to you?

Yes.

You know, ever, and all these things.

So

it was fun to be out there.

And now here I am again.

And I wore the same outfit.

Actually, no, the last outfit I had,

I came dressed as a physical therapist.

I had on khakis.

I had like a pen.

Yeah.

Interesting.

How long did you do that?

How long were you a physical therapist?

I was a physical therapist.

I got my license.

So what happened is I literally passed my physical therapy licensing exam July, I think it was July 15th, 2010.

So July 15th, 2010, I'm a fully licensed physical therapist.

July 25th, 2010, just 10 days later, I do my first open mic at The Creek in the Cave.

So I literally was a licensed physical therapist for 10 days saying, this is what my life's going to be.

I'm committed to this craft.

And then 10 days later, I was like, let's do a full about face and go see Rebecca Trent at The Creek in the Cave.

I got tired of massaging the developmentally disabled.

Yeah.

10 days of that, and I'm like, nah, I got to have some of the worst Mexican food ever served in the world

and do some of the shittiest open mics.

One of the craziest things I've ever seen there, and now we could say because it's not even a place anymore.

No, it's in Texas and it is great now.

It is great.

The Creek in the Cave, this is not the Creek in the Cave in Austin.

In Austin, it's a great

Creek in the Cave in New York, not there anymore.

It's probably condos for Korean

rich Koreans.

But remember that Mexican restaurant there?

Dude, me and Mike Cannon saw this.

We're walking, dude.

We're walking down to go do an open mic like 2011.

It's the middle of August.

It's like 100 degrees, full humidity.

It's like you're in Vietnam, right?

You are just like dripping sweat.

Me and Mike, we're like, almost like we're delirious.

And we're walking into this open mic at like five o'clock in the afternoon, whatever.

And we see this rat, okay, that must have eaten like some kind of poison because it's like out, it's like out on the sidewalk, like not scared, not scurrying.

It's just like trudging along, you know, just like awful, like bloated.

It has like spots all over it.

So you're like, you know that this thing ate something.

Yeah.

And it's like life is coming to an end.

So we literally see this thing, and me and Mike are like, what the hell?

And so we literally, like, I think Mike was actually going to like pull out his phone to like record it.

And then out of nowhere, we see a guy.

We think he came from the Mexican restaurant that was attached to the creek.

Yes.

He comes, like, you know, old school Mexican guy, whatever, has a butcher knife, takes the butcher knife, and fucking pierces this rat right in front of us like a shishka boss.

Dude, like a shish, dude, the thing is like this, like a shishka boss thing takes his dish towel and knocks it off into the public garbage can, wipes the knife down with the dish towel, goes back into the back of the kitchen.

And we were like, oh my God, fuck, I got quesadillas from there, man.

And we don't know.

Like, we still to this day are like, did that actually happen?

Or were we like hallucinating?

Fever dream.

Sure, sure, sure.

But we were like, dude, that was the craziest thing we've ever seen.

And that's when I was a physical therapist still.

And I was doing simultaneously, I was doing physical therapy in the morning with the developmentally disabled children.

Sure.

Dude, one day I literally

in there treating the kids, whatever, and then I go into the bathroom, and we all had to use, like, there was no adult bathroom, the public school I worked at.

Everything was like the low little urinal.

You squat down for the little urinal.

Yeah, so I'm peeing in the, they did have one stall, so I'm like peeing in the stall.

And then all of a sudden, I see a look over the stall.

And again, this is another time I think I'm hallucinating because I have no air conditioning in these schools.

I look over and I see Stephen Colbert peeing in the little urinal.

And I was like,

I was like, what's his hog look like?

Yeah.

You see that piece?

Dude, fucking nice.

Yeah, Colbert's packing there.

100%, dude.

There's a Ukrainian flag on it, right?

So he goes,

so I go, I'm literally peeing, like in the stall, looking at him.

I go, I was like, are you Stephen Colbert?

And

he goes, yes, I am.

And I was like, what are you doing here?

Yeah, yeah.

And then he was like, oh, I'm giving like a talk to the teachers, like some

New York City-funded thing.

And then I was like, oh, I just started doing open-minded stand-up comedy.

With your dick out.

Dude, my dick out, dude.

He zipped up his pants.

So like.

He's pissed.

He just pisses himself.

He's like, not worth this conversation is not worth it.

I'm going to piss off my travels.

Like Ben Stiller and something about Mary, like, just zipped up.

Dude, he flew out of that saw.

And then I realized that was like the first moment.

I was like, never, ever, ever tell like a real comedian.

Of course.

And I couldn't believe it.

And so, and so, and scraping.

Also, you're also a grown man in a children's bathroom.

Yes.

He's got a reason to be there.

He just sees some fucking whop with his dick out in a child's bathroom, like, yo, Colbert, I just started doing fucking comedy.

Let me do five on the Colbert report.

It's about how my wife's a fucking whore.

Do you know Andrew Dice Clay?

It's kind of a modern take on the Dice Man, but more racist.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I changed Mary Miss Muffet to Jack and Jill.

And so, and so I realized then, dude, by the way, I used to do that all the time.

Like,

I would never kind of sit because one of the routes to start comedy is like, oh, open mics or bring your shows or whatever.

Giannis showed me, and you just forget on Facebook in like 2011, when Giannis was like doing like, you know, he was like, bigger, doing Maurice or whatever.

I messaged him and I was like, hey, you know, I know you don't know me or whatever.

I was like, wow, really?

Yeah, I was like, you don't know me.

I was like, but, you know, I'd love to come work for you.

I can carry the speakers in and out of the clubs.

Just the way a child thinks comedy or whatever.

Or just a working class dirt bag.

Instead of saying, can I open for you?

I'll carry the equipment and then maybe I can do five minutes.

I am very good with wires, Mr.

Pappas.

I can plug the wires into the right speakers.

Believe me, you will never have a speaker clearer in your life.

Yeah.

Bang.

I get good deals.

And then, and then, so, and then so I was doing physical therapy.

It burning the candle at both ends.

And then I got on Guy Code.

And then I started, which was a big show on MTV at the time.

And then what happened, here's the thing, though, like with Guy Code, right?

It was like a lot of younger people watching, like high school and college kids.

But the thing is, is like, you know, you always hear about like, you know, because of kids I work with mentally and physically disabled.

So it was about the same level of intelligence on Geycode.

It was about the same IQ levels as the producers and writers of Geycode as the children that you were fucking doing physical therapy for.

Yeah, it's cerebral palsy.

Yo, if a bitch wears a skirt, does that mean you can fuck her?

Geicode.

Yo, that's the Geicode to to hide in your boner.

You talk to God now, Deltlu?

She's asking for it if you can see her bra straps.

Geico.

Geico.

So they, they, but, but a lot of the kids' parents, because a lot of, because what happens is like you think, oh, children have disabilities, like older moms, which is true, but also younger moms, because they'll be 14, they don't have proper prenatal care, they don't even know they're pregnant, so they give birth to a child who's got some kind of disability.

That kid's been weaned on fucking hot takis and arizona iced teas it has no idea it has no nutrition whatsoever zero like a 14 year old eats like honey buns for fucking breakfast i remember my diet when i was 14 awful just just fries they would serve in my cafeteria plus like fucking you know disgusting yeah between work and summer plans i barely have time to think let alone cook factor has seriously saved me quick actually good meals that show up at my door no planning required they've got over 65 options every week so it's easy to find stuff I actually want to eat.

And I love that I actually get variety.

I don't want to have the same thing every day.

I want to be able to pick what I feel like having week to week.

Factor's got even more variety now, more meals to choose from every week, including premium options like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost.

They've also added more GLP-1 friendly meals and Mediterranean dishes packed with protein and healthy fats.

And for the first time, you can try bold Asian-inspired flavors from places like Thailand and China.

With more options and better nutrition, it's no surprise 97% of customers say Factor helps them live healthier.

No matter your routine, you'll feel the difference.

Eat smart at factormeals.com/slash Bears50Off and use the code BARS50Off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's the code Bears50OFF at factormeals.com for 50% off plus free shipping.

shipping.

Get delicious ready-to-eat meals delivered with Factor.

What's everybody?

Summer is here and we've got some awesome new stuff in the YMH store.

Survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection available now at store.ymhstudios.com.

This show is sponsored by Avocado Green Mattress.

Sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest impact.

A better pillow can transform your sleep, your mornings, and how you feel all day.

Not sure which pillow is right for you?

Take Avocado's Pillow Finder quiz to find the perfect pillow based on your sleep style, firmness preference, and comfort needs.

Their pillows include avocado green pillow, adjustable fill, made from certified organic latex, and Kpoc for customizable support.

Also available in an ergonomically curved side sleeper design.

Down pillow, made with ethically sourced, responsible down, offering a naturally cooling, ultra-lofty feel.

Available in three comfort options: soft, medium, and firm.

Pure tele

luxury pillow, crafted for incredible buoyancy and consistent support.

No fluffing required.

Also, offered in three comfort options, soft, medium, and firm.

Every avocado pillow is carefully constructed with premium, certified organic materials and expert craftsmanship for long-lasting support and durability.

If there's one thing I believe, it's that you can never have enough pillows.

Anywhere I sleep well, I am covered in pillows.

Like a sultan in his harem, I want pillows touching every part of my body.

And if you're like me, you need to head to avocadogreenmattress.com today and save 10% on avocado's entire line of pillows during their Labor Day sale.

Avocado, dream.

Discover Ralph's Club, New York, the new fragrance by ralph lauren with black currant vanilla and sandalwood this scent embodies the sensuality and confidence of usher like the city that never sleeps this masculine fragrance lasts for 12 hours ralph's club new york ralph lauren shop now at macy's.com

Yeah, and then drinking maltas when they're two.

So it has alcohol in it.

So so a lot of the moms, the young moms and young dads would come to pick up their kids or like, you know, have to meet like their child's physical therapist and be like, ain't you that motherfucker from Guy Code?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yo, I saw you on Guy Code.

And so I started to get recognized.

And the teacher, the principal of the school, was like, hey, you can't be doing physical therapy with mentally and physically disabled children and then be moonlighting as a comedian on Guy Code where you're talking about hiding the boner.

You know, is it okay to have sex with your, you know, your girlfriend's sister?

Yeah, yeah.

Like, these are the episodes that she was watching.

Yeah, you're doing too much riffing about threesomes with John Gabris for our liking.

Yeah, she was like, you know, like, what's the guy code to having fun at a funeral?

None of this is okay.

So she says to me, she's like, oh, you, I'm going to give you like an ultimatum right now.

You either have to quit comedy

or quit or

leave as a physical therapist.

If you want to continue doing comedy, then you have to leave PT.

You have to.

And I was like, what the hell?

So like in that moment.

I'm an artist, bitch.

Yeah.

I'm on guy code.

I said, yeah, you know, I said, even though you're giving me, you know, at the time, great money, $60,000.

You're giving me full benefits.

I have a doctorate degree that I

worked so hard to get four and a half, three and a half years postgraduate, four years, so seven and a half years of school.

Even though you're giving me all that, I'm telling you right now, I'm quitting and going to the Creek in the Cave.

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck you.

I get paid $20 a slur on Guy Code.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not doing that.

I literally am, I'm going to sign up for an open mic at the Laugh Lounge right now, bitch.

I'm doing a non-union talking head show yeah but i will say that was huge i do feel like it looks hilarious like schultz was on that like so many people charlamagne lil duvall yeah nicole buyer off of

gabris like we talked about dance soder soder you know a lot of talent like literally hilarious i mean one of the stupidest shows of all time of course but an insane and don't get me wrong i'm an open micer in baltimore being like how the fuck do i get a guy code

i gotta figure this out man yeah so it was big.

And then

so I quit.

I quit physical therapy.

But now, interesting, what happened is sometimes, you know, the pandemic

taketh away and the pandemic giveth.

So what happened with me is my license fully lapsed.

Oh, wow.

And they fully lie because

I stopped doing physical therapy in 2013.

So seven years later, it's 2020.

And they go.

Andrew Cuomo, the governor at the time, reinstated everyone's healthcare license like when it was a pandemic crisis.

So I just got a freaking letter in the mail, like, welcome back.

Welcome back.

Even though I haven't done anything in seven years, and I was like, I'll go out there and start killing patients.

Damn, dude.

So, could you give me a real nice massage?

A hundred percent.

That's the thing is, I'm doctor massage.

Episode three, I need a massage.

I'll do it.

I was thinking we should do it from a massage table.

I'll be laying down.

You're massaging me, and that's episode three.

You're oiling me up, dude.

Spoon.

Spoon, if you're listening, you've got to get us a massage table.

Massage table.

Episode three.

That would be funny, too, for me to like, for the first patient I've worked on in like 10 years that also isn't a child.

Yeah.

It's me just absolutely, like, you telling me the injuries and me moving your limb the complete wrong way by accident.

Yeah, shattering my elbow.

I do have a fucked up shoulder.

I could use some, you know, and some back pain.

I'd love a massage.

The problem I have with a massage is I've never not wanted to get jerked off during it.

Even at a physical therapist, even I go and get these legitimate sports massages, right?

And it's, we're not in a private room.

It's like, you know,

bright lighting, overhead lighting.

And like,

like, it's like, you know, just painful.

Nothing erotic about it whatsoever.

There's no lotions.

There's no nothing.

And I was like, if this lady started jerking me off,

I wouldn't be, I'd be a little surprised because the receptionist is right there.

And there's another, there's a, you know, there's an elderly woman getting her fucking knee worked on next to on the the table next to us.

But if she just put a little towel over it and was like, this is part of it, I just think, and by the way, I understand why it's a happy ending.

It should be the happy beginning.

Right.

Because now I'm not stressed.

Now I'm relaxed.

Now I'm not thinking of it.

Otherwise, I'm thinking about getting jerked off the whole time.

Even if I'm getting like cupping and it's painful, I'm like.

If there's a milking table and you just cut a little, that's how they should do it.

Milking table, you're laying down and they just jerk.

And it's not sexual at all.

It's purely.

I feel like I would be more

relaxed.

I'm like envisioning you in like a full neck brace, like, you know, like knee all messed up in the physical therapy clinic, like the back of a New York sports club.

You just get massaged by some old lady rock hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just absolutely.

You know, I've never strong Hispanic man, and I'm like, I really don't want you to jerk me off.

Dude, the best are the Filipinos, like in physical therapy, because they have like this guy, this guy.

Little hands.

Dude, the little hands, he was like, they can get into every nook and cranny.

And it's true, dude.

The best massages, even in massage, even in physical therapy school, and they would teach us massages.

It was always like some Filipino, small Filipino instructor that would just get in there and like move your organs around.

Yeah, I've never gotten happy.

I think have you ever gotten one?

Uh, by accident, legitimately, I did one time.

I'm, I don't want to tell the story because it's like I'm it's like doing your own bit on stage.

Oh, okay.

I did by accident get because I was getting these sports massages, and that, and uh, like the tour I was doing two years ago when I was like, you know, three, I was was truly 5'7, 350 pounds.

Like I was so fucking fat.

What are you now?

I'm 285.

Woo, skinny mini.

Yeah, yeah.

Skinny mini.

I mean, it's significant weight loss.

It's significant weight loss, but it's like, come on.

You know what I mean?

Like, like when I tell people I've lost, I guess I haven't done the math, but I guess that's 70 pounds.

70 pounds.

People are like, you'd squint when you hear that.

You're like,

you lost 70 pounds.

So there was this plus 70, and it's like, it is fucked up.

But we're getting there.

You're getting there.

the march to 2xl shirts we're getting amazing dude we're getting close i can put a 2xl on tight dude this looks sick by the way it is 4xl but thank you those look good though yeah yeah

i tell well it's a it's an italian brand obviously it's small cut exactly it's it's a yeah this is a this is a slim cut 4x

um

but i so the place I was going had a water main break and I had to and and I would get these massages because I was so fucking fat that just doing stand-up, like just doing this, would hurt my body.

Basically, I was just getting,

you're so fucking fat, you're on airplanes.

No, even first class, I'm like, yeah, you know, to first class is not comfortable.

And I, I started getting for class where I couldn't afford it because I was too fat for the regular seats.

You know, now we're doing okay, thank you, everybody.

You know, now it's a fucking luxury.

I'm still too fat for the regular seats, by the way.

First class is the only place the seat belts buckle.

Right.

So, yeah.

There's just, yeah, anyway,

and I, uh, I, this, this really is two bears.

I accidentally talked about being on first class.

This is the,

I'm embarrassed about it.

That's the difference, folks.

I'm embarrassed that I'm a class trader.

Yeah.

One day I'll be back.

Don't worry.

I'm a Greek.

I don't know how to handle my money.

Right.

But I,

and so my back hurts so much that I needed, I basically needed a jacked Latino man to put my spine into order.

And basically, he would like, he would basically just move my legs around like I was exercising.

I was too fat to fucking go on a jog, but I could pay a Latino man to fucking move my hips around and feed the bicycle for you.

And I would feel okay.

I was so fat I would need to do that every like two weeks.

And they had a water main break.

And so I just found a random massage place and it was a fucking happy ending.

And it it fucking ruined me because now every legitimate massage I get, I'm like, what?

Because I went in that thinking it was legitimate.

Were they like all Asian women though?

It was, yeah, I mean, it it was but I'm not you know I'm like I'm going in there I'm like well don't be fucking xenophobic don't be racist these people just want their piece of the American pie you know I'm sure they're trained professionals but it was like yeah I mean they were it was fucked up so they don't even because I've never even been in the room for it like they just started before what do you mean you've never been in the room I'm not saying what are you fucking gonna audit a happy ending

it's like the it's like those uh where they do surgery in front of like uh an auditorium where they're like trainee happy ending givers all watch like oh yeah that's

so what do you do they just roll you over at the end and just start doing it no questions asked there is some hints that this might be like I remember being like huh well she's getting I've never had a thought I've never had someone work on my quads and then rub my nuts

on the way out you know what I mean there's some hints I'm like that was odd

there's moments where you're like huh

what's going on here but truly I was like then you just start getting rock right yeah I mean you have to it was fucked up it was like it was insane was she relatively decent looking too she was old and it was not i didn't i was not that's how good she she was at jacking me off i was actually not hard because it's an old woman and then they start rubbing your nipples

and by the and again these are i am not a nipples that's not you would look at me you think i'm fat as shit maybe nipples work for me no in fact that's never been my thing the only time a woman ever touched my nipples it almost felt like they were making fun of me for being fat right like their thing was shame it.

Like they had.

They were putting ketchup and mustard on them.

No, it felt like the girl.

I've been with girls who legit like fat guy.

Like I remember one time

I was on tour and a girl was like, and this, I wasn't doing it.

I was, you know, Come Town was going on, but I wasn't like doing that well.

But I assumed it's a mentally ill Come Town female listener who just wants to fuck.

She came over, dude.

She had never heard of Come Town.

She just, I was just, because, you know, I would post naked pictures back in the day.

Yeah.

She was a hot woman that loved fat guys.

And she was like rubbing my body in a way that was like arousing.

She was rubbing my fat stomach.

I was like, whoa, this is kind of sick.

Like it was, like, I felt the way, like, I, the way like a hot woman must feel when a guy's like, holy fuck.

Like, when I'm like grubbing tits, I'm like, yeah, you know, I turn into a fucking animal.

This woman just was like rubbing my stomach.

I was like, I could get used to this.

Only woman, the only time that's ever happened in my life.

One and done with her?

Yeah, one and done.

It was a, it was very far away.

I, you know, I was on the road.

If you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the machinery itself.

From prep work to alignment and testing, it's your team's job to put it all together.

That's why it's good to have Granger on your side.

With industrial-grade products and next-day delivery, Granger helps ensure you have everything you need close at hand through every step of the installation.

Call 1-800-GRAGER, clickgranger.com, or just stop by.

Granger for the ones who get it done.

You're basking on a beach in the Bahamas.

Now you're journeying through the jade forests of Japan.

Now you're there for your alma mater's epic win.

And now you're awake.

Womp, womp.

Which means it was all a dream.

But with millions of incredible deals on Priceline, those travel dreams can be a reality.

Download the Priceline app today and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights.

So don't just dream about that trip.

Book it with Priceline.

um but then um so and the only other time a woman has played with my nipples it's been like i i've gotten the vibe that she's trying to punch she's like getting off on shaming me for being fat like it's like you fat cops i can be long you like sucking my dick and like pinching my nipples you like that you fat piece of she's showing you like cheeseburgers and ministering pain yeah yeah she's trying to do a text

that like i feel like I have looked like I've definitely looked up with women who have like eating disorders because I've clearly being this fat is also an eating disorder.

It's funny funny fat people don't think of it that way, but I 100% have an eating disorder.

Like food matters to me.

And I have a couple of a lot of people who have it on the

I feel like I have admiration from women that are like have an eating disorder in the opposite direction.

Like, I wish I could eat as much.

Or they find it like cool that I don't care how fucking fat I am, which is also kind of

disrespectful.

It's like, wow, you're such a fat piece of shit, but you believe in yourself.

He doesn't even care.

He doesn't care.

Look at that.

They're attracted to that, which I'll take.

It gets me head from hot nipples.

I'll take it.

But yes, I've never been a nipples guy.

This woman just was a fucking, I don't know, I don't know what they're teaching in those massage schools, but like I was truly harder than I've ever.

And it's an old woman that I'm not attracted to, just kind of fucking, just playing with them just right, just kind of flicking them just right.

My dick gets hard as shit, and I bust insanely fast because I'm like, what?

I'm disoriented.

I'm like, oh, you know what I mean?

What the hell's going on?

Snake attack.

Yeah.

You got pearl armor.

Not quite pearl armor yet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, before I knew it, I was like, what's going on?

And then do they have the towel ready?

Like, you just blow, like, how does that, what happens there?

You think they get hit ever?

I don't remember.

I mean, again, I'm not, this is, I don't remember where the towel was.

I don't remember.

There's a part of me that wants to try this.

Yeah, well, you just, you're getting married literally in like a month.

Yeah, but couldn't there, couldn't there be?

You just were talking about how you're finally happy.

You're like, you're settled.

You've accepted everything in your life.

And now you're like, oh, well, I should get jobs.

But are there some cultures where they just allow that?

I think the salary man culture in Japan is very big where I've seen a couple viral TikToks where they'll just man on the street people and be like, is it cheating to fuck a sex worker?

And they'll be like, no.

That's like, is it cheating to go to the dentist?

Like, they look at it that way.

You know what I mean?

Even dentist is in your mouth.

Is that cheating?

You know what I mean?

They just look at it as like, that's not fun.

You can just do whatever you want.

As long as you're paying for pussy, it's not cheating, which I love theoretically, but feels a little off.

But, like, I wish, like, with marriage as a contract, it's like it's their incentives, like an NBA player.

It's like, you know what, dude?

If I can, if I can bring, if I can bring, you know, more than a certain amount of money to this family, I'll get hand jobs.

Right, you know, right, right.

Matt, like, you win the World Series, like, you have set up the family

bonus.

You can get like a prostitute once a decade.

Things like that.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm not looking to like have active.

I don't want to have affairs.

I'm not looking.

I don't want to do that.

I respect the sanctity of it but it would be nice to have like a loophole where it's like if she says hey or maybe she just dresses up like a masseuse right so on that'd be nice well i will say the the masseuse like if you want a if you want a uh uh

an example of what the masseuse looked like they looked kind of like when tom and burt put the woman filter on themselves

like that's the that's the fucking level of attractiveness we're dealing with which by the way i saw this clip and it's hysterical that i mean you know let's just play the clip here we go i I mean, this is insane.

Dude, she.

Oh, yeah.

Let's put this one on.

Dude, this is.

They were being genuine.

I know.

This is fucking crazy.

This is insane.

I look hot as fuck.

Stop that right now.

Nope.

I mean, that's.

Smashable.

That's insane that he's saying that.

Shit, I'm hotter than Leanne.

He's hotter than you.

He thinks he's hotter than his wife.

Through some cocks.

Yeah, my chick is wholesome.

Yeah, I look like such a nice girl.

This is the one who's like, come with me, bitch.

I'll show you how to get a man.

That's what it looks like.

I want you to come in me.

You let people come in me.

This is disgusting.

Tom is just like you do.

Gross and they're needy, and you're like, I want them to like me.

I just go,

I want to be abused.

Bird has never been projected more in his life, by the way.

He chucked out and spit on, slapped.

Oh, yeah.

And you're like,

Tom looks like a teacher that gets caught with a student.

Yes, yes, he comes out.

Absolutely.

Tom looks like the one who

has a romantic relationship with the 12.

I mean, I will say, actually, on second look, obviously they're atrocious and they look fucking disgusting.

But Tom is like, Tom could maybe, if she worked on herself,

there is a light in her eyes that I'm like, you know what?

On second thought, I think I'd get head from Tom.

Yeah.

But Bert looks horrific.

Burt literally looks like...

Burt looks like...

Oh my God.

It looks like Bert too much.

Too much.

Like, it just looks like Bert with mascara on.

And with the face, it looks like he almost had to get skin reconstruction after a fire.

He looks like a burn victim.

He looks like the teacher that comes on too strong to a high schooler.

Yeah.

That they're put off by it.

You know what I mean?

That is total like assistant teach assistant principal face right there.

Yeah.

This is the woman that made me choose between physical therapy and being a physical therapist comedian.

Yeah.

Tom, if we go back to Tom a little bit, Tom is definitely a woman who, because Bert, I'm like, also too, I'm not into like really brunettes like that.

Even though my wife's a little bit more, that's what it is.

Let me stop you right there.

Hair color is not even top 40 problems with this picture right now.

Well, what it is with women is like, is like you want what you don't have.

So like my wife's Latino, warm-blooded, like hot, right?

Where if you go back to Tom, Tom's more cold-blooded, looks just like a cold-hearted bitch.

Tom or Bert?

Tom.

This is Bert, right?

This is Bert, yep.

Tom, right here, looks, her energy is more cold.

She just looks like a yeah.

No, I don't know.

There's something inviting about, you know, I started this thinking I would, you know, trash both of them.

I'm getting, I'm getting, if, if Tom was the one who gave me a happy ending, that wouldn't be so bad, right?

You know, now I'm not taking these women out, right?

And I will think the fact that Bert

said this is a Rorschach test for being a narcissist.

Right.

Because Bert looking at that picture and being like, oh, baby, that's a hot woman.

I've now, man, has never wanted to fuck himself himself more.

That is like, that is just clearly Bert loves himself so much that applying, maybe, this is maybe the worst woman filter I've ever seen in my life.

This is barely a filter.

This is Bert.

You just put lipstick on Bert.

They didn't soften his filter.

Like, if I was, for example, if I was trans and I went and got facial feminization surgery and I ended up looking like that, I would sue my doctor for malpractice.

I would want a fucking refund on the estrogen.

I would sue my doctor for malpractice.

But this person does look like a woman who lives on the outskirts of Tampa.

So maybe it's like something that Bert's seeing like familiar at home.

And they do kind of look like the virgin of the cells.

Like Tom's picture looks like a woman who, like, in her spare time, likes to watch videos of men shitting on other men's chests.

Right?

I don't know.

I'm weirdly into Tom now.

The more I look at this, the more I'm like, you know what?

I can go to a farmer's market with Tom.

Yeah.

And now I'm mad that they've said these disgusting things about beautiful Tom, about him getting cumbed.

Like, the fact that Bert went into how they're getting nutted inside.

Do you think there is like, I've never, because Tom, I mean, Bert legitimately, like, it is beautiful how much he loves his family.

Like, he'll literally cry.

He'll take pictures of himself crying about how much he loves him.

I've cried with him on a podcast, Bert and I, about our families.

You guys are so fucking gay.

It's crazy.

I know.

I love how episode one I said I wasn't gay.

And then I said, I sit around crying with men on camera.

Because you thought it would make good content that's the gayest part of it all you know yeah you have a tear stick you're like this is gonna go viral viral this is gonna sell some tickets yeah I'm like hey put hello fresh underneath use the promo code

but yeah I guess now I'm thinking I guess I also feels like Tom posed to look like a sexy woman you know it's like he just looks like a kind inviting woman he does Tom all Tom looks like a woman who like wants to kind of just kiss you softly on the lips yeah where Bert kind of like it's a little too rough yeah you know like Bert's woman.

Right, biting you on the lip in a performative way.

Come on.

It's like, come on.

I don't need this.

Come on, lady.

We both know this is my life's going bad if I'm fucking you.

Tom also looks like a woman that'll keep her mouth shut.

You can't have an affair with Tom.

Yeah.

You can't have an affair with Bert because she's going to want to get crazy about it.

She's going to give you hickeys.

I will say that.

You're going to message your wife.

Bert does look like a woman who thinks she's hotter than she is.

Yes.

So that does check out.

Okay.

I just wanted to fucking weigh in there because I saw the clip of them saying they're hot and it infuriated me.

Oh, no, my God.

First of all, I just look Filipino.

That doesn't even look like a woman.

That looks like Spider-Man's sidekick from

the new fucking movies.

Pull up that kid, pull up that fucking Spider-Man's friend from nowhere.

This is you as a...

This is...

This is AI, though, right?

How did you do this so quick?

This has to be, yeah.

Oh, this is Chat GBT.

Chad JavaScript looks like a check.

That That is hilarious.

And that, you know what?

That is way more accurate than whatever fuckable lip fill.

Like,

they gave Burt fucking mascara and red lipstick.

They gave me less makeup somehow.

Yeah, that's a woman who I could confidently say did not vote for Donald Trump.

No, no, no.

Yeah, look.

Oh, yeah.

That's literally just what I look like.

Yeah.

I mean, dude, but I kind of like that cleavage a little bit.

Yeah, yeah.

A little something.

Or something about it.

No, you know what?

I like this girl.

I would be friends with her.

First of all, this girl's, this is the kind of girl I'm competing with bisexual women for, by the way.

Yes.

Like, that's the thing.

That's why a lot of my exes and like girls I've dated are bi, because I feel like they're just into this type of butch body type.

For like that, that woman who's like inter-fat guys and like wanted you for that, she also wants to go on a date with her.

100%.

That's it.

100%.

And I like her.

I would be friends with her.

Yeah, I like her, too.

I feel like she probably, and she probably like lives in Astoria.

She's probably like, you know, figuring it out.

Maybe she's not a legendary.

Maybe she's just a woman who...

And this shows you how bad society is, how much better my life is than this theoretical woman.

You can't be that fucking, like, people treat, you know, people treat a fat man with respect and they treat fat men with scorn, and we're against that here on Two Bears.

100%.

Yeah.

Maybe regular Two Bears, they're fat phobic, not us.

Not us.

We love the plus-size gals, and we hope this lady gets some dick.

She gets some dick just by being a good hang, taking down enough Irish car bombs.

I'm sure you've actually, I think you could be convinced to fuck this woman.

I was going to say, I've had sex with a woman who looks like this in the back of O'Neill's at Maslith Queens.

Are you kidding me?

When I'm 22 years old, I've done a blowjob from a woman that looks like this on Grand Avenue in the bowels of Queens.

I like her.

She has a kind look in her eyes.

Yeah, she does, and she kind of looks like, you know, the thing is

with someone like her, it's like...

Roller derby captain.

Yeah, like, and I feel like some of our beautiful, like, fat, like overweight people like this are going to get ruined by Ozempic.

Like, somebody like her would take Ozempic, and it's like, no, I kind of lie.

You have a beautiful, youthful glow.

Yeah.

I'd love a zoom zoom out because she could have incredibly fat tits.

Oh, what she did.

She could have maybe fucking triple J's.

Oh, I love it.

And now we're talking.

Because then you give a lady like this those kinds of cannons.

Dude.

Now she's working in feminist pornography.

Big boobs and a fat ass and a tattoo of rosary beads somewhere.

I'm in.

We need to zoom out, you know.

Maybe she could use a little lipo around here, but you know, or even just work, you know, a little light, a couple, if she hits the steps a little bit and she gets big fake tits.

But I'm into a woman now.

It was, I guess, when I was younger, like, and I think society is seeing this, like, used to be like big boobs, big ass, big, fake lips.

Obviously, that's going out of style now.

I want an imperfect woman.

Like, I like a girl with a chiptooth, a scar,

a little imbalances.

You know, I like that a lot.

I want to see her imperfections.

I'm a good, I'm where I used to be like, oh, I want a girl who looks, I would be into the fake boobs, fake lips, because like, oh, it's making them look like ideally perfect.

But now that's, I would run away from that.

Okay, I would go out.

Like, as a matter of fact, me and my fiancé, we got even like our relationship got 10 times better

when she, one of the things that happened is she took out her fake boobs.

Because she was like, you know, we have daughters.

I don't want them to think like they need to change their bodies.

And then she told me, like, as time went on, not only did she feel better about not having them, she's like, my body was literally for 10 years just fighting a foreign object

inside its body, inside her own body.

And I just started to get

more, feel more like me.

Wow, interesting.

That was a big moment.

And then also means stop not DMing porn stars

was also helpful.

Well, then stop when they stop DMing you back.

Yes.

When they're like, ah, this is enough.

And you're like, yeah, I mean, I philosophically think your fiancé should be jailed for doing that.

I think it's a, you know, she's already talking about getting them back.

I think fake tids are at list.

I'm a man of science.

Yes.

And I think, you know, the way we're enjoying air conditioning in the summer you know the way we have you know uh we have enough food yeah to feed everybody you know what i mean like i think big fake tits are but look obviously you want to take them out you should take them out obviously but i do like i i am partial to fake titties because it feels like

this is a little it feels like once they were affordable for even like once once like middle class, working class people realized you could go to fucking Colombia, you could go to fucking Turkey, you could could figure out ways to do it.

Yeah, once it became affordable to have big fake tits and a nice fat BBL, now every rich person's gone away from that and they're getting skinny.

And I, from a class perspective, I think big fake tits, once they let the masses have them, they said these aren't good anymore.

Right.

And I say, keep your big fake tits.

Dude, Mike.

That's a fight against, you know, oh no.

Oh, man.

Okay.

I love.

You know what?

Still a great gal.

Like I said.

said,

she,

yes, the cankles are a little tough.

I do, you know, that those are nurse lunch lady.

That is a lunch lady

build, but nothing wrong with that.

You know, not what I was, you know, not what I was thinking, you know, with the huge tits possibly, but still a gal I could, you know.

I think, like you said, you're still getting head and mass beth from this lady.

100.

Oh, yeah.

There's nothing wrong with her.

I would dress her a little bit.

I don't know why they had to give her a fucking Moo Moo.

Well, they gave her your shirt.

Yeah.

They gave her my shirt as a whole dress.

But, you know, we could maybe work with a nice chunky belt to give her a bit of a waistline, you know.

Do something nice for her.

I feel like

she looks fun.

She looks, she's got a real.

I do, I see the beginnings of lunch lady arms, which I don't like.

Yeah, that's it.

I take pride in having being fat as shit, but there's no hangdown on my show.

No, you know, I don't got those.

What do you think her name would be?

I mean, the easy, like, Stavrula is a Greek name.

Really?

A girl's name?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

yeah so vula vula vula is like the shortening stavrula or vula rula now yeah um i do know girls like this named like you know chrissy literally i knew a fat couple fat greek girls named chrissy yeah yeah yeah nina yeah or no hot or hot greek girls would be named nina either ones yeah that's the thing like greek there's like in every community there's like five greek names because every my big fat greek wedding is true like i grew up with i had a friend group and there was like seven bills in it because they were all cousins they're all named after one grandfather, Vasili.

I see.

So it's like, you know, Fat Bill, Little Bill, Bill.

Oh, Vasily translates into Bill.

Vasily is Bill.

It's amazing.

Not William, just Bill.

Yeah, Bill.

Yeah, I love it.

Not William.

No, Bill.

Oh, they were all Bill.

There was no Wills.

No.

Vasili is Bill.

Bill.

Dimitri is Jimmy.

Yeah, yeah.

Dimitri, yeah.

Dimitri is Jimmy.

What is Giannis?

John.

Oh, man.

Oh, wow.

Dude, I look like Michael Jackson.

You know, you look like the fucking

non-binary character in the Sex in the City reboot.

You look like fucking JDS.

You look like you're eating Miranda's pussy right now.

You know what I kind of like too?

You know what I kind of like too?

Even though, like, honestly, I'm into this.

By the way, Chat GPT, using Chat GPT instead of whatever, they used a way more fuckable filter than we used.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, I'm calling, this is, this is the first time I felt like a guest host.

We're getting, you know what I mean?

They're getting the fucking the home whistle.

Yeah.

Benson Spoon is fucking, is, is cooking the books for Tom and Burt.

Yeah, dude.

Because we didn't get any fucking lipstick.

Burt gets fucking mascara.

I get fucking,

I get, you know, I get a fucking, it's like, make Stavros Halkis a lunch lady.

That's what you fucking.

They get liquid death.

I got sink water in a cup.

But this, this is interesting because I'm German and Italian, but yet the chat GPT still made me look like a Puerto Rican girl.

That is true.

I do just look like a girl from Sunset Park.

But can I say, I am actually, the older I get, the more I'm attracted to sort of like, like a,

I guess some might call it a traditional lesbian, but like a more butch woman, like a hot

hot butch, but you can see like they have tit, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't mind this haircut and this vibe, you know what I mean?

Like you want, like you, like you're into more like a Janine Garofilo look type thing, like a little thicker, maybe.

I guess what it comes down to is I think I would just fuck pretty much every woman.

And so, and so when you see, I mean, never mind.

Did you ask to give me lunch lady lips?

I I mean, literally, those are just your hips, by the way.

Stand up.

That's just what you're wearing right now.

Honestly, yeah, you do.

That's a more fuckable backside than this lady.

Yeah.

Sneakers.

That's the cord outfit.

Yeah, yeah.

This is, I literally had a lesbian manager at Sherwin Williams that looked exactly like this.

Shout out to my girl, Jess.

What did you do at Sherman Williams?

Sherwin Williams.

I was a paint.

I would fucking deliver paint.

I would mix up paint.

I worked at a paint store for a year before I moved to New York.

That was my last.

Are you handy?

Do you know how to build stuff and stuff?

No, not at all.

My dad's a carpenter, and he's incredibly handy.

And I would just go, I would work at his, you know, my summer job as a kid where I'd be like, I would help my dad out.

And basically, when he was installing cabinets and shit, I would help carry shit.

But dude, I would basically, what I spent the time doing is he had a little TV.

You know, remember the TVs you would fucking like, he had a TV from like the 60s and the 90s.

Dial.

Dial, literally dial.

And you had to put, it was a zenith for real.

And you had to put like, you know, aluminum foil on the fucking antenna.

Yeah.

I mean, you know,

Gen Z, I mean, first of all, there's no young people that listen to this podcast, so never mind.

Everyone, everyone who listens to this understands what we're talking about.

But if any chick, if any,

if anybody's dad passed out drinking Porosos and their child is watching this right now, they're like,

first of all, take me to school, dad.

And second of all, and second of all, they're like,

we sound so fucking old talking about dial dial TVs with fucking aluminum foil antenna.

But I would watch Martin on that TV.

And then when my dad would go to lunch to pick stuff up, because, you know, every like blue collar, every blue-collar, like, whether it was a workshop, a mechanic, whatever, they would have pornography somewhere.

They would have like calendars.

And there was like, my dad had like one picture of like this Tahitian woman.

It was like some kind of like islander vibe.

And it would be like, they would, it was her with her tits out.

I would

while my dad went to go pick up our lunch order or something I would plant the Tahitian titty picture in the bathroom and then I'd be like gotta go take a shit dad I would just jack off to that I would beat off for like 18 I would I would milk it I'd just before phones and I would just jack off in that bathroom for like truly a hat I'd do it twice I would beat off twice the same picture of one like islander woman's tits yeah and then at the end of the day I would put it back where it was just it was the perfect crime I love like if like you ever went missing like we I would know that you're jerking off on a beach in Tahiti.

That's where the FBI would need to look for you.

But yeah, that was old.

But yeah, I was so bad at fucking.

I ruined a saw because I was trying to make a gun out of wood.

Yeah.

And I was just doing it the wrong way.

Do you ever feel emasculated that you're not handy?

Like, as a man, do you feel like it's something we need to know how to do?

I think, you know, yeah, I mean, I'd like to learn a little more of, you know, like I could do very basic shit.

You know, like, I, you know, I would never like, you know, as long as I could, like, hammer some shit, I could fucking, I could do the most basic chain,

nail, yeah, do a fucking, you know, put together some shit.

But yeah, I'd like to be handier, but I also think like, I don't know, I don't think that necessarily is a male thing.

Like, I have one of my old roommate, my friend Christina, she was the handiest person I've ever met, and she's just like a nice like girl who was like an executive assistant.

Like, her job was like, she would be like some fashion lady VP.

She'd be her executive assistant.

I was like, in a different world, if she's not, if she's not in the, you know, gender binary, she would probably be doing some handy shit.

Yeah, dude.

Where I just feel like, I don't give a fuck.

You don't care.

Yeah, because

I'm masculine in other ways.

I'm going to die at 58.

That's a heart attack.

I'm a real man.

I'm wearing a 4XL track suit.

I feel enough of a man to eat.

I eat meat.

Yeah, yeah.

I eat prosciutto as a, I literally have started having just pure prosciutto as dinner.

I'll have prosciutto and yogurt, and I'll be like, protein.

Protein, yogurt.

Well, dude, it's crazy because last summer when me and Jasmine went to your house, you were cooking cedar plank salmon on your grill.

What happened?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, see, here's the thing: the prosciutto, the macros aren't so bad.

Yeah.

Well, you didn't.

Actually, no, you're still doing it because you lost 70 pounds.

70 pounds.

I've probably lost like 20 pounds since you came.

But yeah, I cook.

I cook a lot, right?

Which is like.

The salmon look dope.

Yeah, I love.

I have some salmon in the fridge right now.

Salmon's a go-to for salmon.

They swim backwards.

Oh, dude.

That's why they're so fatty.

That's what the omega-3 is.

They're swimming against the current.

Oh, interesting.

That's what it is, baby.

That's why I walk backwards on the treadmill.

Trying to be a salmon dude.

To get those lesbian hips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love, you know, I love to cook and what I think anything can be masculine or feminine depending on how you do it.

Because in my relationship, she, my girl, is the one who can build and do everything.

And I said, you know, we're moving to a new house.

I was like, you know what?

I'm going to look.

I'm going to educate myself on YouTube because everything's on YouTube.

I'm going to learn.

I'm sorry, I'm going to learn how to at least, I don't, how to like paint.

take down wallpaper and like make like a little door frame that we need to make like a little door into like a little opening in the house.

I was like, I'm going to do all that.

And then I literally was on YouTube for about 10 minutes watching this handyman tell me how to do it step by step.

And then within 10 minutes, I was on Chat GPT asking what a good number for a contractor is.

Asking,

what is the number that I know I'm not getting hosed?

Contract, yeah, contractor won't fuck my wife while I'm away.

Yeah, contractor won't, my wife won't fall in love with while I'm doing

off-the-hook comedy club.

Dude, this stuff is so, is so freaking expensive.

Yeah.

I said, all I wanted was, all I wanted was a door, like, to another room, simple, some paint, and I, all I, and I wanted him to cover some pipes.

And the guy was like, I was like, you know, I'm not looking at

the bank.

I was like, you know, I also want to do more jobs with you.

Like, we've just moved into this home.

I was like, like, please like, give me like a fair price.

He was like, 50 grand.

And I was like, oh my God.

What?

And he was like, 50 grand.

He goes, 45 if it's cash.

I was like, dude, come on.

And then, so, but then it's crazy because then my wife gets on the phone.

Right.

And she was like, start, he was Spanish.

She just started talking to him in Spanish, and that number came down like 30%.

Yeah, yeah.

And next thing you know, she was like getting angry.

And then I was like, what did you say?

And she was like, I was just telling him that I know he's being a scumbag.

I know what you're doing.

It's disrespectful.

And she was like, you know, because he's Puerto Rican too.

She's like, don't make us look like that.

You're being a piece of shit.

Don't try to hose him because he's.

So disrespect me in front of my white husband.

Yeah, exactly.

He's finally finally marrying me after 10 years.

So he does have some Puerto Rican tendencies.

Yeah.

Even though he can't build a fucking, he can't build a doorframe.

He can be non-committal, even though we have three children.

Yeah, exactly.

And now a freaking, and now we're going to get this done.

But yeah, I was always interested.

I think it's nice if you're, like, I think that's cool that she just does shit.

You know what I mean?

Like, I like that.

Yeah, my kids.

Andy, it's interesting because my children don't, like, when somebody comes to the house, like a con Ed guy or whatever, they, they always yell for mom.

And I'll just be sitting on the couch like with a baby.

And I always feel like one of these workers just kind of looks at me as like, and then sometimes if they recognize me too, they're like, what the hell?

Right, right.

I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry.

You're like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

No, fuck them, dude.

Yeah.

You got a nice thing.

So you got a good, you got a good way to look at life because I'm a little bit more old, so I guess I'm like, I'm such a loser.

I suck cum because I freaking don't know how to use a hammer.

I don't use a table saw.

That means I must take it in the ass.

You're just like, dude,

some people do guy things.

Some people do girl things.

Yeah, you could do a guy.

Yeah.

I respect that.

Yeah, I mean, you're cheating on your wife.

Not anymore.

That's masculine, man.

Look at the price.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

You're going to die in our new year.

And you haven't, yeah, you haven't cheated.

You were cheating for a decade.

Well, I like that.

Even though I'm not being the typical man at all, I don't want to build anything.

I'm not eating the freaking steak and drinking the beers and smoking the cigars every day, but yet my head and look is so much of that man that my body won't believe it.

And my body's still like, yeah, but raises blood pressure, raises cholesterol, messes liver up.

Come on, of course.

But even though I'm not doing any,

I mean, I will say too, like, there's a lot of times, like, when I'm eating Greek food, I'm always like, oh, maybe I should get like the extra hummus, the chickpeas, whatever.

And then it's really, it's Jasmine who like should be wanting me to be healthy, which she is, but she's like, I'll be eating like, you know, just a Greek salad and some falafel.

And she's like, can you please just like eat a lamb?

Like, she's like, it almost like she's like i'm not turned on even though like you're healthier like this doesn't make me feel like i want to fuck you at all

if you're eating healthy because do you think she doesn't respect you for not being handy

i think that i think that in the beginning of our relationship she again being an old school puerto rican girl very handy father came from like sunset park i think she was a little confused as to be like okay

he's does comedy like art and he's doing okay.

You know, we have money, which is, it's not, you know, we have enough to survive and everything.

That's good.

It's like, but then he like, he doesn't know how to build anything.

Yeah.

He like only wants to have sex like once or twice a week at most.

He doesn't really know what he's doing.

He's like not speaking to me in Latin.

Right.

And so I think there was a lot of confusion the first couple of years.

He's like, you know, I watch his comedy.

Once a week.

Yeah, once or twice.

I can't, you know what, dude, as you get older, too, now it's to the point because I'm older, 40, got the kids.

I'm like, if I'm exhausted, like after a long day, sometimes I'll go up into the room and be like, I hope she doesn't want to have sex.

Because

I don't want to do this, man.

I mean, I do want to do it, but you're like, dude, I literally just want to, I'm watching this Benjamin Franklin documentary.

He's like, I just want to watch that.

Dude, that's the guy that you see.

That guy was getting pussy till the end.

Number one.

I love that about Ben Franklin: we sent him over there.

Yep.

And he's doing the most high-stakes negotiations you can think of.

Like, if he can't get France on board, England probably wins, and they probably execute everyone that did that.

100%.

That did the revolution pendants, right?

And he's so focused, you know, he's focused, whatever.

And every night he's out banging whores.

He's burning, like, that's insane.

And by the way, how is he getting hard?

Yeah.

Like, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and you're fat, old.

Yeah.

And he's eating, he's drinking like beer.

He's doing like beer milk smoothies.

Yes.

Like, and he's eating mutton and shit like that.

He's got to have diarrhea.

How is his dick staying hard through all that like anxiety and his diet?

That's a true American hero.

That's my favorite.

I thought he just had like electricity, threw a kite on his fold.

Maybe, yeah, he's a tongue.

He's got a cock ring.

Yeah.

He's got a cock ring and a kite out the window.

It's zapping his dick and getting hard.

He's waiting till lightning storm to go, fuck.

Okay.

But he, you know, what's crazy about him is he got thrown.

He was like, he, you know, he's like a legitimate celebrity.

Like he was like the old, like a lot of these people that are celebrities now that are famous founding fathers, they weren't famous back then.

Right.

Right, right.

He was famous in his life, dude.

He was like Mr.

Beast.

Yeah.

He was famous.

And so, and so, but he got, they threw him out of England.

So, they threw him out of England because they just got annoyed with him because he was like having sex with like an extra

freaking general's wife.

They were like, get him out of here.

I love him.

Then he came back to America.

That's my goal, by the way.

I want to play Benjamin Franklin, dude.

You could.

I got the hair for it.

Give me little round glasses.

Yeah.

Fucking Photoshop some round glasses on me right now, dude.

I actually, I did it in, I have a, I have a, I'll send you the picture,

Bespoon.

i i did i did dress up as benjamin franklin one year but yeah that's my that's my that's my fucking that's my goal my life's goal as an actor will be to portray benjamin franklin yeah well dude i mean you could do it you got the look and he and ben was um

benny frank he uh when he got back to america nobody trusted him because they were like dude you've been in england for 10 years now we're at war with them like are you a real patriot yeah and he just had to prove it and then they because they knew that he was like just literally what obviously he was very smart and all that but he literally was just like dude i fuck all day yeah so they sent him he went to france to convince france to join the revolution but the way that he did it is because he was literally having sex with king louis like concubines like he was having sex with the women in his harem and he moved up it only took him like three months he like moved up girl by girl then he got to like louis favorite mistress and he was banging her and he was like can you tell look and louis was chill with this yeah but it was like kind of like just a thing in france like you could just bang everything.

Where Louis, because Louis was like, I'm not sending France.

So Eskimo Bros was like an honored position in France.

100%.

The closer you got, the more you fuck my favorite bitch, man.

Yeah, we're connecting over time.

And then the only way, because Louis, King Louis, would not grant him an appointment.

He just wouldn't talk to Ben Franklin at all.

So he just, the mistress, who like that, Louis would fuck every night, he got Benjamin Franklin, got the message through the mistress into King Louis' ear.

And he was like, I'll do it.

Give him the clue.

Is that real?

That's real, dude.

And then Ben Franklin, when he was fucking, because the turning point of the Revolutionary War is the Battle of Saratoga, where like we technically, the U.S.

like beat the British, and all that stuff is true.

But Benjamin Franklin was good at like spinning stuff.

So he was like, he was like, he based, like, yes, we won, but he's like, dude, we crushed her.

When it's like you barely, barely won.

Half of the British Army wasn't even at the battle.

The way you brag about fucking girl and you weren't even hard?

Yeah, you just got, you just jacked off while she sucked on your nipples.

Yeah, you're like, you grabbed a dinner, you're like, oh, oh, dude, I fucked her.

I fucked the shit out of her.

Yeah, and so, so he just lied, and then he got King Louis to send all the troops, but it was literally because Ben Franklin was just an absolute pussy assassin.

And again, older guys banging like young, like younger chicks always.

And that's before Dick Pills.

I mean, that's why he's a hero, dude.

I respect that so much.

I can't believe he was fat, unhealthy, stressed out, still got his dick hard.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Because he was fucking for the nation, dude.

Dude, I think I would, I think I would fold.

I think I could eat pussy for the nation, my dick.

I would be too nervous.

Yeah, dude.

You know, yeah, I would essentially have to fuck like a, you know, like, like our pictures.

Yeah, I'd have to fuck like a lesbian.

Dude, no dick, no dick involved.

And I repeated, I repeated a direct quote that he said to some, one of his like mistresses who like didn't want to leave.

He didn't, I repeated it to Jasmine.

He, he wanted to, he was going back to America and she didn't, and she didn't want him to leave or whatever.

And he, and he goes, um, he goes to her.

He was like, My, um,

he was like, my love, my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America.

And I just said that to Jazz.

Wow.

I was like, my love for you stays here, but my heart belongs in America.

She's like, what?

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

Did you get the kids' school uniforms out, you idiot?

You better sell enough ticks.

You better sell merch this weekend.

You better be adding back the lyric.

She's just handing you flyers so you can be your own street team.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're doing papering.

I got a fucking funny tour.

I'm like in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in Oklahoma City in the middle of August.

I love that.

Just like

the big fucking markets.

Oh, yeah.

Oklahoma City in August, Tulsa.

Then it's like, you know, Toronto.

Yeah, you're doing the

Oklahoma.

You're in Oklahoma back to back.

Yeah, my agent's like, we're going to send you to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and then we're going to send you to Saudi Arabia on 9-11.

Is that good?

Remember how you thought you were doing MSG on 9-11?

Now you have to go to the guys who caused it.

Yeah.

I mean, you could not have pulled more of a fucking about it.

Dude, how about this?

I'm the only.

Have you ever heard of a guy?

I had to move my show at the arena at MSG down to the theater at MSG.

Just a real shithead.

People are like, I can't wait to see in the big room.

I'm like, well, what you're going to do is make believe you're going to the big room and then just take the elevator down to the theater.

Yeah, they've done some renovations.

Don't look into it too much.

But that's it, man.

We talked about it on the last episode, but it's like, that is the best summation of like

the theater is incredible.

Yeah, dude.

The theater is fucking insane.

You know how many people got to do the theater?

And you make more money.

Yeah, I know.

But it's more that, like, you got to cure yourself of wanting more, dude.

Well, I'm cured.

You're cured.

Honestly, dude, the market is cured.

Having to move from the arena down to the theater and then try to explain.

Well, what's funny about moving from MSG arena down to the theater is obviously like it was, you know, wildly embarrassing like

for me I kind of regretted every decision I've ever made you kind of figured the only way you found the only way to make that a loss is selling out the theater at MSG you literally found the only context where that's embarrassing yeah yeah yeah I said and and I'm doing it on 9-11 which is just pissing off my fans so so I said how many ways can I just make this actually

one of the worst nights of my life

you know and so I figured that out and so and so, and, but what's funny is like to the comp, like to me, you know, and my peers or whatever, I, first of all, nobody cares.

And then I've even gotten over it.

I'm like, whatever.

But my, my, my, uh, the, the fans were coming, like, even my family.

I was like, oh, like, you know, I have to move it.

Like, it's, it's now it's going to be at the theater at MSG.

And even though I made all these promos about whatever, like, to the people, they're like, oh, I thought that's where it always was.

Right.

I thought only like the Knicks play in the arena.

Like, who would do comedy?

Right.

They're like, that's a bad experience.

Yeah, because like to like, especially the older crowd, like, like, one of my dad's friends, he went and saw Eddie Murphy at the theater at MSG when they used to call it

something pavilion.

Oh, I don't remember.

I forgot what they used to call it.

It had like when he did, I think he filmed Delirious there or Raw.

Oh, really?

One of them, yeah.

He filmed it there, and he's like, oh, that's where, like, we used to go see, like, big shows.

Like, nobody was doing the arena.

They were doing that, that theater.

So, like, this whole idea of like arena acts as comedians is like a new thing.

Yeah, yeah.

So, I'm, but I absolutely 100% was in a place last year, the Felt Forum, that's what it's used to be called.

I was in a place when I put this on sale last year where I was like, you know, more, more, more.

And now it feels so good to be like, I'm like, so happy to like be in places where it's like, you do a comedy club, it sells 80%, God willing, 90%, some sell out, and you feel so good.

Where like there was a moment in my life where I don't know what happened to me, where I just thought like even selling out at a comedy club wasn't good enough.

And my life was like completely out of control.

I had like a life like I was like an addict without ever doing a drug.

And then it's just kind of like I think you get a little tired of it and then like life humbles you and wakes you up and you're like, no, no, no, dude, don't get back on the, on the path.

Yeah, dude, just have a good ass time.

The point of life is that the point of accidentally making it

just having fun.

Yeah.

That's you almost like, it's like, I would feel bad.

Like the way I look at it is like, I'm a fat idiot that gets to have the best life ever.

And I owe it to the other fat idiots that are sort of, because everyone listening is a variant.

It's like, you know, how everything is like multiverses.

I feel like a lot of comedy fans and like a lot of like, you know,

even like comedians coming up, it's like, bro,

I so easily could have been back in Baltimore working at fucking Sherwin Williams and doing like opening at Magoobies right now.

And I honestly would have been happy with that.

And now I owe it to fat morons who, you know, struggled in life if i'm not having a good time what's even the point i'm the one of us that got to make it yeah so i'm gonna

i'm gonna i'm gonna try and live that's the annoying i'm gonna make some salmon right but i'm also just gonna have a good ass time and by the way clubs are more fun dude you're actually talking to people you're actually like right there you feel more like a comic like two weeks ago or three weeks ago i did atlantic city comedy club which is in like the bowels of the tropic county it was the most i felt like a comic and the most fun i've had with an audience in like a year because for a year i've just been doing the theaters and they're great i like them for certain reasons, but dude, you feel so disconnected.

Where now it's just like, dude, the club, like, I just

sometimes too, I think what happens with podcasting and the business of this, like, you forget why you started.

It's like, dude, I've only ever just wanted to do stand-up.

Even podcasting, when I started doing stand-up, this wasn't even a thing that I was considering.

Totally.

I was just like, no, I just want to make jokes about my dad.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm doing and get a sitcom.

Those are the goals.

Of course.

And so now here we are somehow not only doing our own podcast, but somehow doing other guys' podcasts.

This doesn't make any fucking sense, dude.

This doesn't make any fucking sense at all.

I mean, this is, I would, I listen, this is our second episode.

We'll see if they give us a third.

I mean, they might be pulling the plug on the entire YMH might be fully out of business after this.

Yeah, we try, we fucking, we try and open the doors.

Sam Murill and Tim Dylan are sitting in here.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, guys.

Next.

We've got a different direction.

Yeah.

They just brought in bad friends.

They're like, just do it.

Just bring them in, please.

We'll get bad friends the entire revenue.

All right.

Well, that was good, man.

Thanks for you.

We'll be here.

We think we'll be here next week for you.

That's what we've been told right now.

But we do have Tom Segura himself is waiting in the wing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's waiting.

Yeah.

He's going to take a break from filming season two of Bad Thoughts to come in here and fire us personally.

Yes.

Which, by the way, what do you think season two?

I was thinking how funny it would be if Bad Thoughts Season Two was just Tom in just a nice gay relationship.

Like every

episode is like a prestige drama of just Tom with a man.

And it's like, that's as bad thought as just having a being married to a man and being in love.

Like, you know, he's fat again.

He's like, what if I could actually live the way I wanted?

Yeah.

Fat and gay.

You know, I could stop all this exercise bullshit.

Yeah.

I could stop working so much.

I could just be Bert.

Yeah.

All right.

So, yeah, look for us there.

Chris will be playing his husband in Bad Thoughts Season 2.

But we'll see you guys next week.

Bye-bye.

Enjoy.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.