The Summer Bears Takeover! w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Hello, everybody, and welcome to Two Bears, One Cave Summer Edition, you fucking pussies.

That's right.

Me and Chrissy D are here.

We're your substitute teachers.

That's it.

All right, let's roll out.

Let's roll out Finding Nemo in French class.

Yes.

We don't give a fuck.

You're not learning shit for six weeks.

Yes, and a lot of you guys have thought.

We just actually got news.

We just got a text from Josh Zolo, who looks like Benson Boone.

Um,

we just got

Benson Spoon, Benson Spoon, Benson.

If he hit the fucking frozen yogurts a little bit, you're not even fat, Josh, but Benson Boone is an activat.

He's a more, he's a shredded Mormon, but you do have a couple jowls compared to him.

Let's pill up the side-by-side.

We'll put that up in post.

Benson Boone, Benson Spoon, Benson Spoon.

So, we got, you know, a lot of you guys have always thought that it was going to be Burt Kreischer who died at any moment, but we just got news.

Tom Segura actually died.

Wow.

Yeah, he's dead.

He was doing a ritual for Moloch.

He was doing a Your Mom's House Live, and it got too crazy.

And somebody just shit right in his eyelids, and he's died of sex.

All the mentally disabled sex criminals they have to make propping up that show rebelled and were calmed to death.

Oh, my God.

Listen, guys, we're excited to do this, but we know what you know.

We read the comments, too.

We're not going to save the show.

No.

The show's absolutely.

This is like when a marriage is failing, so you adopt two fun children.

You know what I mean?

This is like the poochie episode of The Simpsons.

Yeah.

Where they have the cool dogs and skateboards.

Savi and I are like the two cool Vietnamese kids that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie adopted a month before they got divorced.

Yeah, we saw how that ended up.

Yes.

Tom and Bert are going to choke us on an airplane.

Can't wait.

Oh, my God.

So, I mean, yeah.

Yeah, what do you think?

I think we should first figure out who is is Tom and who is Bert.

I think because my addictions will ultimately kill me, I'm Bert.

And because you're a closeted homosexual with disdain for the working class, you're Tom.

I'm Tom.

I agree with those assessments.

However, but that's the physical.

I mean, that's the external.

Because the internal, actually, if you looked at our numbers side by side, I have like 300 cholesterol

blood pressure through the roof.

I have my liver for some reason, even though I don't really drink, is just expanding at a rate that doctors can't figure out.

So I am the anti-BERT.

You look healthy, but your body is in shambles.

I'm a reverse BERT.

And

I'm an innie BERT.

So I think on the exterior, I'm Tom.

Interior, I'm Bert.

And on the exterior, you're a BERT, but the interior, you're a Tom.

I don't know.

Because I saw bad thoughts, and when he shits his pants like the assault in that first episode, he's just shit running down his leg.

That's a stavier.

That is true.

That is a move my guts have pulled many times.

That level of diarrhea, now, I have made it to a bowl, but

I have seen what was on Tom's pants in my bowl a lot.

Right.

Soft serve.

I mean, shit that is basically soft.

Like liquidy soft serve when

they don't get the fucking combination right.

Yeah.

You know, and it's not frozen enough.

That's what comes out of my ass more often.

Yes, I think, and two, what I love about you two is I remember one time

we were doing your pod.

We were going to come over and do your podcast.

Because by the way, I can't do a podcast without a Greek person sitting next to me.

I know.

I keep trading Greeks.

But I remember we were going to do your pod and you were like, hey, man, I'm eating healthy.

You know, I'm not, I'm not,

I'm going to do, I do my walking early

before the pod.

And then 3,000 steps.

It's early as fuck, but I remember.

And then we got there.

We got there even earlier than you had expected.

And we saw you finishing your walk, but you were coming out of the supermarket holding a pint of ice cream.

In my defense, it was Halo Top.

Okay, true.

That's methadone for fat people.

It's methadone Ben and Jerry's is halo top.

330 calories.

That's it.

You know, the mocha chip.

Yeah.

It ain't, you know, you can do a little something with that.

That, but high in protein.

I'm going to say, though, dude, you are, you've, what you've done is you've pulled your fat together and you look actually good.

What you look like now is a guy who's designed to be just a little heavier, but healthy.

Thank God.

That's how you look.

I just want to get back to regular stores, man.

You know what I mean?

Not having to shop at specialty stores, not having to look at, not having to scan the dark web for shirt sizes when you're so fat that the stores that sell your shirts also sell like heroin and child pornography.

Right.

You know, you got to fucking reel it in.

Yeah, everything you get has got to be from like the gap factory.

Yeah.

Oops, we accidentally stitched two polos together.

That's it.

Who's going to wear this?

Yeah,

but you look good.

You feel,

dude.

And, you know, and I think that this is going to be, I think this is going to be fun.

I think this is going to be good.

And I think that at the end of the summer, what you'll see is eventually a post of Burt and Tom saying, we're stepping away from two bears 1K.

And this didn't work with the guests either.

Because the advertisers have all left.

Yeah,

they're like stopping to stepping.

Oh, what the hell?

Is it giving money to them?

Are they a sponsor, Benson?

Yes.

They are.

All right, there you go.

Well, yep.

What a good product.

Yes.

That we both use.

Love it.

That's how we're keeping the pounds off.

And by the way, also, too, we're both in gene.

I'm in shorts and stavis and shorts.

So it'll be nice to just see our thighs.

You got direct line to our nuts for sure.

Now, you have a

circumcised, right?

No.

Greeks are not.

Where are you?

Well, I thought Greeks weren't.

No.

Oh, interesting.

So Giannis isn't clipped?

No.

If he is, I would have a huge problem with Giannis if he was clipped.

For real.

And I'm not even.

We've told a lot of jokes early on this podcast.

But if Giannis was circumcised, I would feel betrayed on a level I couldn't even verbalize to you right now.

I got to think that he's clipped because he's never told me that he wasn't.

Now, here's the thing about Giannis.

He is,

his family is here one generation.

He's one generation removed from the homeland from me.

And I do sense a little, like, he's a little ashamed of how much we're pretty much Arabs.

You know what I mean?

Like,

he's a little more, you know,

his family were like lawyers, academics.

my dad's a contractor.

My mom repaired rugs and was a waitress.

Like we're a little more, we're closer to the uncircumcised, you know, lower classes.

Lower classes.

Like in the Titanic of Greeks.

I'm downstairs fucking

doing the jig down with the Greek Irish, and he's upstairs, you know, fucking putting on a cotillion.

He's Billy Zane.

Billy Zayn.

And I'm fucking Leonardo DiCaprio.

And he could.

You know what?

Because he's and his true, his class of Greeks are a little closer to the gays.

Right.

He's high upper echelon society, so he might have gotten in with the gays enough where they may have convinced him to clip it.

And that would actually betray.

I mean, which seems philosophically against a gay man, you'd think they'd want less cock flesh?

I seem philosophically against cock.

No, see, if I'm thinking that they want

aesthetically a cleaner-looking cock.

I think you're being homophobic in the way that you think they, they, it's all about aesthetics, but it's also animalistic love of penis.

Right.

which i think i think uh and respect of penis which is where i come from well i think and i think where i'm coming from is what i want as a gay man right right let's get really down to it is that you know in terms of that's the other thing about two bears is that we're certainly we have some tom and burt analogs but also just as bears i think we're the two archetypes of fun fat guy's been fat his whole life yeah bear you know what i mean i've been getting sucked off by twinks whatever you though i think are the opposite where was a twink that's aging into being a bear.

Yes.

Kind of like when Michael Jordan went from the two to the three because he put on some pounds later in life.

You're going from like regular gay guy.

Yeah.

You're aging into bear right now.

I was wearing number 23.

Yeah.

And now I'm a 45 guy.

Now I'm wearing 45 boys.

I'm on the wizards gay.

I'm a gay wizard.

I'm a Washington Wizards gay.

Yes.

No, that's it.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, because that is true.

Because look, here's the thing is, first of all, I'm getting actually married to a woman.

You are getting married.

We're getting married finally, 10 years later,

a couple of court dates, eight fucking

change of mail forms.

Yes.

I mean, you have moved more than anyone I've ever met.

And I'm moving again.

I close on Thursday.

You close.

I swear you bought it.

You're out of here.

I got out of here.

I mean, your fucking realtor has sent his family to fucking

college eight times over

the fucking broker's fees you've paid.

This is why, this is actually part of what the courts don't have to show up for because the courts are like, what are you doing?

This is borderline child neglect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But so I move a lot and then, you know, getting married.

And what I think, though, too, is

always looking for something

to be like, oh, maybe I don't want to get married, or maybe I want to have all these kids because I'm gay or whatever.

But now I've finally,

due to radical acceptance, just figured out that I'm actually not gay.

Are you positive?

I am actually 1,000% positive.

I'm not gay.

And when you say that, did you give it a little whirl?

Yeah.

Have you ever given it a wheelchair?

You put your dick in a man's mouth?

No, never.

Never.

Never, never.

Not even that, which seems to me like

I could put my dick in a man's mouth.

No.

And I wouldn't lose sleep over it for one second.

Listen, dude, I've had, again, all-boy Catholic high school growing up in the city.

I've definitely like, you know, balls on the bridge of your nose.

I've done things like that.

Balls on his shoulder.

You know, because you would do, you know, throw over your shoulder like a constant.

By a priest.

All that.

Right, right.

Beating up a Latino kid.

Yeah.

Turning the self-hatred for getting

into racism.

Classic Italian from Brooklyn stuff.

Yes.

Exactly, dude.

Getting a blowjob from a guy crossing the Verrazzano.

If it's on a bridge, it doesn't count.

It's like international waters.

Yeah, you're putting in between two worlds.

Two realms.

You don't exist anyway.

That's in the shadow realm.

Yeah.

You're just in a suspension.

You're in like a fucking little harness getting your thing

under the bridge.

Dude,

I've never hooked up with a guy on land.

So therefore, you're not dead.

Only on a carnival cruise and under the Verrazzano Bridge.

Yes.

Oh, dude, I know.

So that, so, so I wouldn't say.

You never, you never even thought about it, huh?

No,

and also, too, I've been asked by my family, which is, it's interesting, you're 10 minutes into this podcast, and the one thing my family asked me last night was to not please stop with the gay jokes.

And I've just, in the first 10 minutes, just made them, maybe on the biggest platform I've ever told them on.

And when you say your family, you mean your like parents, or do you mean your children?

No, not my children.

I mean Jasmine, my fiancé.

Yes.

She's told me enough.

She's like, you know, like your kids are getting old enough now.

The kids in schools are like, oh, isn't your dad the one who said he got anal blasted by a priest?

Hey, welcome to the new school.

Because my kids always have to be the new kids because we moved so much.

And then they're like, you know, the new kids always get a lot of attention.

And they find out her dad.

And then it's always like, oh, right.

Hey, what about this YouTube clip?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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But then that messes with their identity so little.

So I was just like, whatever.

I don't have a name.

I don't have.

Do you get packages sent to your house with your name?

Yeah, I do.

You do.

Yeah.

I mean, that's.

Which is dumb.

I should stop doing that.

Yeah, because it's just like they just see the name.

And then I've been on the.

It's not a problem here.

I'm not famous anywhere but Baltimore because of the Ravens videos.

Right.

And that's it.

It's not your hard work.

It's never the thing you want.

It's always like some pretending to be white trash.

Yeah.

And so I think in Baltimore, I need a Baltimore, I'm going to start having my packages sent as Chris DeStefano.

Two, please.

Dude, nobody knows me, and I approved that.

I had to cancel my show with the lyric because the tickets.

So that show has been fully canceled in October.

Big room, man.

Yeah, that was 500.

That's tough.

That was a stupid mistake.

You'll see me at Magoobi's.

But,

you know, yeah,

I think, you know, for, you know, you're, yeah, you're a big.

None of us really are that we're big to our like podcast fans internet fans but none of us really are like famous to the point where like you need like security it may feel like it but also too dude nobody from the internet is going to show up at your house and do anything bad it's just not gonna happen about that just not gonna happen i don't know about that i think like i know i know the the news channels you watch they don't cover mass shootings anymore right i know news max just kind of puts those under those yeah you know puts those under the rug but i think we got some some evidence that a lot of guys from the internet are doing plenty of crime.

Well, the problem is with me is, you know, and I've now changed it, but we realized it was very easy to get because all my doors have like key codes.

Yeah, yeah.

And every code was 1776.

So any true patriot is allowed to come into your house, fuck your ass,

eat your snacks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As long as you have that flag, the original 13 colonies,

as long as you're coming in and you have some type of Revolutionary War garb on, you can come and have sex with my family.

We're brothers, dude.

Yeah, man.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious.

I think, I think, yeah, but this is this, Tom, Bert, supposedly,

Benson Boone said, Benson Spoon said that Bert had a video for us.

Oh, shit.

Look at what we got.

Bert's got the fit.

Even just right here, I can tell he's got six months left.

I can tell that his arteries and veins hit.

He was looking good, too, and he's gotten redder and redder these last few months.

He is is unbelievably fit.

Like, he might be

in the best shape of anyone you've ever met.

It's insane the adversity he puts his body through and how much it perseveres.

He is a medical marvel for real.

He just should be dead.

No matter what.

He should be dead without question.

And, like, dude,

I did

Fully Loaded when it was like him taking it easy.

Right.

And one and a half days of attempting to keep up with Bert, and I literally needed like a week and a half off.

Yeah.

I had like fucking my my stomach just drinking at all.

I did mushrooms and floated down a lazy river and then had to do a fucking show in front of an arena.

Yeah, I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking.

Just the snacks.

It almost killed me.

And I, by the way, I was getting fucked up every night on my tour.

That was in my like taking, I was more dick pills and peptobismol and fucking Xanax than I was fucking man at that time.

Yeah.

And go, and I was like, oh, I can hang, you know, fully loaded.

It's fucking insane what he's capable of.

I see.

He's got like, yeah, Neanderthal jeans.

All right, let's see.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Let me put these on.

I look like Warren from Something About Mary.

Franks and Beans.

Hey, guys, it's Bert.

I would love for you guys to talk about Indian people today.

Okay.

I've run into a bunch of Indian people on my trip.

Hope pauses for a second.

I love to hear your take.

Any good stories about Indians?

Bert's like, let's fucking let's.

He's ironically outsourcing Indian racism to us.

He's like, why don't you guys try and say something that'll get your careers ruined?

And

when a guy like Bert says it, I don't know if he's talking about Native Americans or people from India.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

Because the way he's saying, he's putting some stank on Indians.

So I'm like, are you talking about Civil War Native Americans?

Like the Cherokees?

Are you talking about people from India?

Oh, yes.

This is a man who's been thrown out of many seminal casinos in his life.

You know what I mean?

But all right, let's keep going.

By the way, not doing that.

100% not just giving my thoughts on a race, carte blanche.

But anyway, let's keep moving.

What else we got, Josh?

Indian people always fucking rock.

Indian women are the fucking hottest women in the world, in my opinion.

Indian men are always helpful.

I've never had a group of Indian kids.

He's okay, cause this again.

Now he's kind of reverse psychology trying to get us to be racist.

You know what I mean?

He's like, oh, aren't they so cool?

Aren't they, you know?

Yeah, I feel like he's literally like Leanne is off camera, like telling him what to say to back it up, back it in.

I mean, look at this.

And when they see me, it's just smile.

So any stories about Indian people or any stats about Indian people, any interesting knowledge about Indian people, then, if you don't want to do that one, how about this?

I would love for you guys to break down America's greatest holiday.

Okay, it was just 4th of July, and I would love to hear you guys.

pick which you think the best American holiday is and then take it head to head with what you believe believe is the world's greatest holiday whether it be carnival in Brazil or the day they throw tomatoes or running of the bulls

all that shit

I hope you guys have oh also can you guys talk about Rolexes and luxury cars yeah yeah what luxury car you want to buy what Rolex you want to buy that's Tom's talking points I hope you guys have a great episode I love you guys to death thank you so much for doing this I'm sure it's going to be amazing I cannot wait to listen.

Oh, and mention that my tour, Permission to Party, starts.

All right, we can stop it right now.

Yeah, we can stop it right now.

I'll be in England, though.

I will be in London September.

Yeah, we take over the look at that pause, by the way.

That's him realizing what a mistake he's made giving us this podcast.

Vote Zoron.

That's why he's bringing up Indian people.

Yeah.

He was like,

I saw Stargirls talking about some Indian guy.

Maybe he likes Indian people.

I do.

Okay, I will say great cuisine.

You know what I mean?

Incredible cuisine.

Oh, yeah.

My true thought

in terms of hot women, yes, some incredible bangers there.

Bollywood, have you seen RRR?

Have you seen that movie?

Dude, Bollywood movie is fucking.

I mean, I don't think that's technically Bollywood, but it's a story about like three Indian revolutionaries, and it's like it's awesome because I'm going to take these off, by the way.

I'll do what you do.

Yeah, I'm sweating.

I have too much fat ear sweat.

You actually have good ears for your ear.

If I just zeroed in your ears, I would say a guy's probably pretty ripped.

ears.

You think so?

Let's get a fucking close-up of the ears.

That's it.

Which, by the way, what is this?

That's not your body.

That is not me.

That's my actual body.

Which they had no problem using.

And then they went to your, I guess, your search history.

Yeah, they found that.

Yeah, they literally, that's Yustami's actual body.

And then they picked some ripped guy and they just gave me a barehead and a Yamaka.

I mean, that might be Matteo Lane's body.

Yeah, that's true.

That's another reason why I know I'm not gay.

Matteo Lane Lane told me, looked me in the eye, said, dude, you're not.

He's like, you are not.

So what

he's like the gay sorting hat.

He's like Harry Potter.

Yes.

Mateo puts his bare ass on your head and he's like, straight.

You can feel it.

By curious at most.

All right.

So

I would say RRR is a banger.

Okay.

Great movie.

But yeah, I have pretty limited, and I, you know, I have pretty limited, you know, growing up here in the, in the great melting pot of Brooklyn, what were your experiences?

So that's the thing, because Baltimore, I don't think you guys have a lot of experience.

We had a couple.

We had in the suburbs.

I mean, that's the thing.

All the Indian kids I knew were like, because Baltimore, we didn't have much, but like closer to D.C., there was like, it was actually a very diverse, a lot of like,

this is, I guess, is that

a kind of positive racism where it's like some of the first like really smart like computer mathematicians like would work in the government.

And so, the most affluent county in, I think, America is either Montgomery or Howard County, which is like south of Baltimore.

Between, and there was like a lot of kids that I met a lot of, like, I did meet one piece of shit.

Indian kid, because he was like, he was still holding on to like the caste system.

Like, he thought, he thought he was fucking, but he wore, we drove, he wore like Holocaust or Hollister.

Damn, I was going to say, not, you do know, my friends.

Damn, he he wore a hollister.

star.

It was funny to be like a

intra-Indian like supremacist, but wear like, you know, lacoste and have like a little earring and like be like a fucking, you know, like sexy bro.

He would try to be like a sexy bro.

The thing is with Indian people to me, what's always insane is like here, like at least in New York, like people make fun of them, but it's like every class, the...

smartest kid by far is Indian.

So like as far as like the immigrants go, I mean, I would put them as like, they're the leader.

And see, what we've done now is Bert Bert has

has made us start ranking racist.

So I'm going to go ahead and do an executive

and we're going to move this along and just say go watch RRR and eat some fucking roadie.

That's all I got for you.

Yeah, eat a samosa.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Jerk off to hot Indian ladies and that's.

The last thing we need is somebody like me ranking racist.

Then we're in a beer hall push by the end of the episode.

That is true.

You are a crypto kraut, which you don't get enough credit for.

You have the Italian last name and that does a lot of that does a lot of marinara flex you're marinara washed i would say you know where it's like you know i deflect a lot with the italian because oh chris stefanel you know presented myself as this italian you know black puerto rican woman all that stuff sure and that stuff is somewhat true but then i did the ancestry.com and it's 98

german 98

98 so even your dad yeah that's why me and yannis had to stop the podcast for three years

like i can't go near him this is an ad by better BetterHelp.

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But dude, so to the point where I grew up in Ridgewood, Ridgewood, Queens has become like, it's like exploded.

No, no, no, Ridgewood is sort of like, it's Bushwick now.

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

So, and, and, and it's the property values are through the roof.

And I, that's where I grew up.

So, like, my, so, like, you know how like Texas, like

people from Texas, like backwood rednecks are like sitting on

oil fields and all like multi-multi-millionaires, but they can like barely speak?

Yeah.

Those are the people of Ridgewood.

Like now like my family who like, you know, we freaking, you know, they threw like a party for me because like when I you know scored like 25 points in a basketball game, I made the Ridgewood Gazette.

Yeah.

You know, like I was like the kid that made it out of Ridgewood doing comedy or whatever.

Wow, that's brutal.

You're the one who made it out of you're the success story out of Ridgewood.

I'm the success story out of Ridgewood until it was revealed that Jeremy Allen White lived in Ridgewood for a few years before he did the bear.

And so now, so he gets the bear and I get two bears, one kick.

But so in

Ridgewood, they had such a big

German population to the point where if the not, this was explained to me, if the Nazis had successfully taken over Europe, they had like a plan, at least just some writings, of them coming over and trying to take over the U.S.

Like that was a real thing.

They had submarines close to Long Island.

And in that plan, they had one of the like main housing points for like their top generals, maybe even Adolph, was Ridgewood Queen.

Your exact address?

Yes.

This is where they had circles.

So, you know, like it went around a lot, you know, recently how like the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in the 30s.

The main catering came from two bakeries in Ridgewood.

Oh, my God.

You were fucking making the loaves of bread for Nazis.

Dude, so that's insane.

Across the street from me.

And that's not close, by the way.

No, that's not close.

Ridgewood's not close for MSG.

No, no, no, no.

They were like, we are specifically.

They picked the trolley in from there.

100%.

There was this guy, an older man, who lived across the street from me when I was a kid.

And I would always play with, you know, like play with him and his grandkids.

And he was like just a cool older guy, like in his 70s, 80s.

My grandfather, who fought in World War War II, would always play with, would always like hang with him.

They would like smoke cigars together, whatever.

And then he died, right?

And I didn't think anything of it, like, just died.

And then

the Masad was outside with a blow dart.

They got his ass.

Well, I didn't know because just being a little kid.

And then it wasn't until years later when I was talking, my grandfather died, and we were talking about my grandfather at the wake.

And my, one of my uncles was like, it's great how, like, you know, grand, you know, your grandfather was like able to just like make amends.

Like, that's what was great about his character, is he could just forgive and forget and just keep moving on and whatever.

And I was like, yeah.

And he was like, you know, like how his relationship was with Rudy.

And I was like, what?

And then he was like, what do you mean?

He was like, you know, like, with, I was like, oh, like the old man who lived across the stove, yeah, I mean, those guys, you know, they were on opposite sides.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

I had no idea.

I was like, I thought they were war buddies.

He was like, they weren't war buddies.

They weren't paying.

They said they fought in the war.

Oh, my.

And so he was a Nazi.

There was just a Nazi hanging out.

Living across the street.

That's insane.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

And everyone was just cool with that.

Yeah.

100%.

I told my mom, because now the house is worth like 20 times what she paid for it.

Because Ridgewood has exploded.

I was like, when people come over to look at the house, you should say, oh, a Nazi used to live there.

Right.

And see what happens.

Yeah, that makes them feel like it.

See if we can bring it down.

See if you can bring the volume.

Well, dude, it is one of those things where my mom has told me, she's like, I'm like, mom, you should like sell the house.

She's like, no, no, no, I don't want to sell the house.

This is a family inheritance.

She's like, you know, it is in the will.

When I die, when my mom dies, she's like, this is going to go to you.

I want to make sure you and your family have an asset.

And I said, Mom, I'm going to sell the house at your funeral.

So if you want to make the cash,

if you keep not being able to sell the lyric, that thing's going fast.

If you don't make bonus at Magoobi's, you're selling that fucking house quick.

I was like, Mom,

because she always wanted to go on like one of those European Viking cruises.

And I was going to get her one.

I mean,

the Ridgewood racism is fucking.

That's the Europe she wanted to see

the

plunderers.

That's who she looked up to.

And I was like, Nazi neighbors fucking nuts.

And doing it like a heartwarming story.

Like it's, you know, like, oh, isn't it great?

Isn't it great how they could

put things aside?

Yeah, well, that.

And then like, and they put the, they were telling me like they.

became friends and how like I used to play with like his grandkids and I'm like where are those kids now like where are are his grandkids?

They're in the Department of Health and Human Services.

They're fucking running ice right now.

That's fucking crazy.

They're wearing a ski mask and just trying to find anybody that has a tan to try and fucking deport them.

Dude, the guy, Dan Bongo, Bongino from the head of the deputy director of the FBI, he's another Ridgewood Queens guy.

He went to the same high school.

That makes so much fucking sense.

Those guys got so cucked.

Now they have to pretend the Epstein list didn't happen.

I know, I saw that today and there's no client list.

I was like, come come on, bro.

Who do you think is more relieved, Bert or Tom?

The Epstein list is gone.

Of the two,

I think Tom would do it to get into the Illuminati.

Yes.

And I think Bert could be peer-pressured into it if the other, just if the other billionaires, so the other billionaires would like him.

Yeah, because I don't know.

You know what I mean?

Like, I don't think Bert would want to be a peer.

They're like, oh, we thought you were cool, man.

I'm cool.

You know what I mean?

Like, I think Tom would just be soberly having

and being like, this will get me a 10-year deal at Netflix, right?

He would just be calculated.

And neither one of them would enjoy it, don't get me wrong.

I don't think they're that kind of guy.

If I was like, hey, Bert, like, you know, if you just have a kid, it'll be a really good tour promo for Red Rocks.

Stephen Hawking's in the back.

Check out the permission to party tour.

Because I think the mindset of those two guys are like, are like Tom always believed this was going to be his life.

He was always going to be famous.

He was always going to be a multi-million.

I respect that.

Where Bert cannot believe this happened to him.

He can't believe he made it out of Talassi.

Which is awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

No, Bert's vibe is like guy who wished on a genie lamp to be the biggest comedian on earth.

Yeah.

And is just like having a good ass time the whole time.

Yeah, Tom, I remember.

And that was fun.

I mean, I will say the fun.

That tour is so, the, the, um, the

fully loaded tour is insane.

Right.

It's like just having a fucking party on 14 buses.

Oh, it is the coolest coolest shit.

A bus is the fucking best, dude.

Yeah, but isn't it tough?

Except you can't shit on it, which is.

Well, that's the thing is, that's why I'm not interested in doing it at all because I'm like, I gotta shit a lot.

I know what you mean.

I take creatine shits.

Dude, well, listen, I took some.

What I ended up doing was the kind of the fat man speedball, which or like a non-drug, the shitting speedball, which is I took a lot of Pepto because I did a bus this last go-around

and it was great, but I would do Pepto preemptively, but then I would also take Metamucil to help with digestion.

So they would be these fucked up, one stops you from shitting and one makes it so that like shit rockets out of your ass.

Yes.

And I would take, I would wake up in a fucking cold sweat.

I'd be like, it'd be like 9 a.m.

I'd be in a new, I'd be in Memphis.

I'd wake up in a new city.

I'd be like, I need to find a coffee shop.

And I would just run for a coffee shop or a fucking, you know, Hilton Garden Inn, pretending I'm there.

I need to use the bathroom.

And I would take the most insane shits of your life.

Because you get these weird, like green, black, green, pebble pebble shits, but they would fucking rock it out of your ass.

And they'd be like

soft little pebbles.

It looked like non-lethal bullets.

Honestly, it looked like what they're shooting at, like, you know, protesters.

I was going to say, yeah, I hit that protester with that.

But so do you.

Okay, so that's how you...

Shit, but where do you shower?

How does that?

Do you shower at the venue?

You want to live like that?

I liked it, but there's not a part of me that wants to do that.

It was fun as hell.

And I would take, you know, my best friend is my tour manager.

He's bad at his job, but he's my friend.

Of course.

But it's fun to hang out with.

I had JP McDade, the fucking, the best, you know, one of the best comics.

The tallest comic.

Everyone was like 6'7, but me, which is hilarious.

Eldous is 6'7.

JP is 6'7.

Our videographer, Sexy Saxon, he was like 6'6'.

You're just 5'9, shitting Pepper.

Thank you for 5'9.

I'm 5'7.

I really appreciate it.

Oh, I think you're 5'9, dude.

Thank you, man.

I carry myself.

Yeah, I'm wearing heels.

I wear heels all the time.

No, what I actually am, here's what I do.

I think it's a power move.

I'm 5'8, but I say 5'7.

Okay.

Because most people that are 5'7 say they're 5'8.

So I think it's a power move to, because by the way, society doesn't, 5'7, 5'9, no one fucking gives a fuck, right?

So it's a power move to deduct one inch and be like, I don't even fucking care.

I'm 5'7.

That's interesting.

You know what I mean?

It shows more confidence.

Exactly, exactly.

Exactly.

I think that's...

Well, that's the thing about you is where your sex appeal comes in is overconfidence.

Like when you didn't have a tooth for a year,

you probably got the most Punati once.

You're also like, this guy doesn't care.

Yeah, I went from getting the most pussy I ever got to like having the only good relationship I ever had.

Like a woman was like, I want to start a life with you when I was toothless.

Even though she was, I will admit, there were times where I like met her friends.

She was like.

I really thought you were going to put the tooth in.

I was just like, me are like friends.

One time when I met her family, we hilariously broke up four days after, But like we both met each other's family.

She was just like, put the fake tooth in.

She was like, we're not fucking around.

You're meeting my grandmother.

She's not going to think I'm dating some toothless piece of shit.

Even though she was.

Even though she was.

I actually missed the no-tooth.

I wish I had no-tooth with a ponytail.

That look would be next.

Because no-tooth, ponytail, chain, you just look like a like a badass old school like Greek guy.

Yeah, yeah.

That really, the thing is with a guy like you, there's, because there's, there's a lot of guys like me.

There's a lot of guys that got this stupid hair, you're wearing jorts, you know what I mean?

You got like,

you know, you're 40 years old, you're still trying to get into the NYPD.

Like, there's a lot of, I'm still taking the tests.

You're taking the practice exams every night just to stay sharp and basically call me in.

Like, you know, there's a lot of guys like me.

There's not a lot of guys like you.

True, true.

There's not a lot of guys who come out here, the hair, the tooth, the shirts, like kind of just owning every bit of you.

Hypertension takes a lot of guys like me.

It's a lot.

It's a high.

Just surviving.

If I can make it to 50, I'll be the...

It's kind of like Highlander.

Instead of killing each other, it's our own hearts that kill guys like me.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, guys like you have lifespans like you're in colonial America.

We have, yeah, we have like, like, I have a great Dane's lifespan.

You know what I mean?

But you're, but your blood pressure, cholesterol, all that normal.

It actually is weirdly normal.

See, that's what I'm saying.

That's a lot of people.

It's coming, though.

There's going to be one.

There's going to be one doctor's visit that's like, it's all going to to hit at once.

You know what I mean?

It's like, that's like my friend, a huge drinker.

He said he's had a drink at least one alcoholic beverage every day, has not missed seven days a week, at least once since he's 18 years old.

Oh, my God.

And he says he's perfectly fine.

Of course, he's in the FDNY.

Right.

Perfectly fine.

And then a week ago, they were out, you know, wherever they went.

They go on like these random vacations because I'm the only one that has kids, so they don't even include me now.

Like, I'll just wake up to a group text and they're like in Ocean City, Maryland, or Florida.

I'm like, they know, like, don't even invite me.

So the real classy classy guys.

Yes.

The two places you fucking mentioned.

Ocean City is fucking close to it.

Ocean City, Fort Lauderdale, or Atlantic City.

That's where they're going.

And so, and so my boy was like, he's in the group chat.

He goes, oh, let's get something to eat.

And then so they go down.

You know, I'm not there.

I'm just reading the text.

And then one of my other friends is like, yo, he can't lift his arm.

He can't get the fork to his mouth.

His arm just stopped moving.

So they're like, we're having to pick up his arm and put his, get the food in, because he realized he was down there.

They were down there for seven days.

He hadn't eaten in four days.

Oh, my.

Just drinking alcohol.

Oh, my.

So I was like, so what's going to happen with a guy like that?

Is the one day that God's just going to turn the switch on, and then day by day, it's just boom.

Oh, dead, dead, dead.

I mean, absolutely.

At least I'm slowly dying.

Sure, you know what's going on.

You see it.

You can make plans for it.

100%.

Every time you move a house, it's so that there's less stairs.

Yeah.

So there's no less things you have to climb.

It'll be easier for you.

Dude, two life.

Like, I, you know, people would look at me and that's the picture they use of me me, like they think.

And then two separate life insurance policies have done the whole test.

They'd be like, we can't insure you.

I have fucking life insurance.

Exactly.

That's what I couldn't say.

They were like, what is it?

They were like, what is this?

Like, he's a community.

He's got a show in Saudi Arabia and his cholesterol is 400.

And you go to Saudi Arabia.

Are you going to do that, gig?

I can't.

Can't do it.

Can't take the Saudi money.

I get it.

I can't.

I didn't want to do it either.

I was contemplating.

I was like, maybe not.

And then Jasmine was like, well, we're getting married.

We got the house.

Who knows?

We'll probably sell it again.

I was like, I can't do it.

And then she was like,

you're going to take that fucking money.

And I was like, okay.

You're going to have a maid that doesn't have access to her passport, whether you like it or not.

You're a Filipino woman who's trapped in the desert.

You never see her family.

Well, what's good about a gig like that for me personally is this is one where like, it's not even like, there's no question Jasmine can't come.

There's more, there's no more endangered species than a mouthy Puerto Rican woman in Saudi Arabia.

It wasn't even questioned.

Because normally when I go overseas,

it's like, Jazz, it's like, if you do come, you just know you're coming back headless.

Yeah.

That's fucking hilarious.

I know, dude.

So, but, but so, I, that's, Saudi Arabia is spooky to me.

Sam Morrill's going.

I know.

The Jews.

I've talked about it.

Yeah, we've talked about it.

He's like, he was like, dude, yo, like, if shit goes down over there, you got my back.

I was like, I'm going to grab a stone, too.

I'm going to join the mob and get out of here.

I've got to get home.

I was like, I can't risk this.

Yeah, it's a setup.

What are you talking about, dude?

It's like Sam, Ari.

You think you're, yeah, you're there.

So they, you're, you're there as like, to throw them off the scent.

Yeah, yeah.

I get, all of a sudden I start yelling, show, shut up.

Damn, dude.

I mean, whatever.

It's fine.

I mean, all entertainment money is fucking blood money in one way or the other anyway.

I think, too, man, with the world the way it is, it's like that's how I feel.

It's like, you know, dude, you go down these rabbit holes, and then you're like, even like I was, you know, giving money to like the green initiatives, and then like something pops up where it's like, this is a scam.

Right.

You're giving money.

And then you're like, try to do the work to like look into is it or is it not?

And then you just get exhausted and you're like, I don't, dude, I don't know anymore at all.

Like, I, even, even with health, I was eating, you know, to like help my cholesterol and all that, like, all this yogurt, like yogurt, FOG yogurt, the cream.

crying.

Dude, the Mediterranean diet, that is why your numbers are so good because that Mediterranean diet, dude.

Dude, you know, no, people, people say this shit all the time.

Here's my theory on Greek.

Lemon potatoes.

Here's my theory on why Greeks have the highest like,

you know, like life expectancy.

Life expectancy is because I promise you, people are

pretending their dead relatives are alive to keep taking retirement checks.

I promise you, the reason Greek Greek life expects is like 90 on average is because someone who died at 68, their family has been pretending he's alive and cashing his fucking, you know, his fucking retirement pay

for 20 years.

So you're saying their stress is down, they don't have any problems?

Is that what you're saying?

I'm saying the numbers are inflated.

I'm saying mathematically, half the people that died at 88 died at 52 of a heart attack, eating fucking lamb chops and fucking drinking fucking, you know, retsina.

I get it.

It's all a mathematical anomaly because we're committing fraud.

That's my real theory on why Greek diet.

Although I will say, my uncle is maybe the fattest guy I've ever seen in my life.

And like, fat in a way that

his body composition makes Bert look like a twink.

Like, he's got, he's, he's fat, but it's like, if, like, his belly is like a jembe.

Like, you hit it, it goes, boing, oink, oh, like, it's taut as fuck.

It's like, he's got the kind of fat that feels like muscle that's clearly like constricting his organs.

100%.

He's had diabetes for 30 years.

He will.

No medicine.

Yeah.

I mean, he takes, he does take his, I will say he takes whatever medicine was in vogue 30 years ago in Greece.

Just eats like a fucking piece of shit.

Still, like, he's like almost eight.

He's like in his 70s now.

Still kicking.

Fat as hell.

I mean, he is losing.

He's lost sight in one of his eyes.

Maybe his feet are coming soon.

But, you know, who knows?

But you know what, dude?

Because I saw a guy.

It was in those great restaurants, restaurants, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Is the fucking best.

Of course.

Knows exactly where to go to eat.

Exactly where to go.

Dude, I'm telling you, man,

when I got this news about, because what happened was I go in, I thought I was like in good shape, whatever, and then the doctor comes back with the blood results.

So normally they just email you or give you a call, but I got a call from the receptors.

Like, the doctor wants to see you personally.

The doctor's taking a car to your home right now.

There's no more time to waste, Mr.

DeStefano.

I hope your affairs are in order.

I got called into the office.

So I go in there and he literally was almost like not scolding me, but he was a little bit like, I go in, I'm like, oh, hey, Doc, how are you?

He's like, good.

He goes, let me ask you a question, Chris.

He goes, you're a relatively smart guy, right?

I was like, you know,

I don't know if I'm smart.

I was like, I have an education.

You're like, no.

Yeah.

Next question.

You have an education.

You got a fucking, the education of being like getting a scholarship as a white Italian basketball player against you.

I'm like, it's not exactly the most rare.

Where'd you go to fucking school?

Archbishop Molloy.

And then, where'd you go to fucking college?

St.

Joseph's College.

I'm like, you want to call that a fucking edge, double Catholic education?

Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, I went to private school.

He's like, it says you went to St.

Matthias.

I'm like, all right, I went to Catholic school.

But he goes, if I was to tell you that your total cholesterol is 300, do you think that's a good number or a bad number?

The way you teach babies colors.

Yeah, yeah.

Is this elephant gray or pink?

And then I go, and then I was like, I I was like, well, you know, it depends.

I was like, 300's good in baseball.

I'm Teddy Ballgame.

Yeah.

And I'm the Ted Williams of cholesterol.

And he goes, and he goes, it's a bad number.

And I was like, yeah.

And I was like, and I go, yeah, but I eat right.

He goes, no, you don't.

And then I swear he goes, he goes,

let's do this.

He goes, what is the last foods, like the last two weeks of eating, what does that look like?

And I was like, oh, I think it's been pretty healthy.

And he's like, what does that look like?

And he asked me to take out my phone.

And then he was like, if you look back at your calendar, usually that jars your memory of what you ate.

And it actually works.

I never even looked, like, you could look back at something 10 days ago and see, oh, I did.

Oh, I remember some meals.

Boom.

Yeah.

And so, so we figured out in 14 days when I really he gave me like 30 minutes.

He was like, think about this and write this down.

I had had in 14 days something like 15 egg, cheese, and avocado sandwiches.

The avocado is healthy, though.

That's green in there.

Yeah, but he was like eggs, cheese, and the bread, and ketchup.

And then I had 22 slices of pizza.

So every day you've had.

Very balanced.

So he was like, and then I was like, yeah, but I've had salads with it, whatever.

Classic fat guy moved.

Yeah.

When I was opening for Bobby Kelly, our move would get wings, but also salads.

And we'd be like, well, yeah, that's fucking healthy.

Balancing fucking salad.

No,

it's protein and fucking lettuce.

That's healthy.

Fucking pouring ranch on all of it.

You know what I mean?

But anyway, I'm so sorry.

And he then he goes, no, it's okay.

And then he goes, and then he goes, oh,

you have, you know, what you could do is if you wanted to keep eating the pizza.

I said, well, maybe I could keep eating the pizza.

Just take the cheese off.

He was like, no.

He was like, it's baked in oil.

And he was like, so.

So why?

What are you getting out of that?

That's why this is the best part.

I know.

It's like, if you're going to eat it, but he said, what?

He literally, he was like, look, dude, this was in April.

He was like, I'm going to give you till September.

Okay, you have till September.

If your numbers do not come down by September, I have no choice but to put you on on medication.

Like you have now reached the end.

He's like, because you've been telling me for five years that you're going to get it in check.

And he was like, it's never been 300.

It's always been like 200, 220, back down to 210.

He goes, but I don't know what happened to you.

And then I go, oh, I think one of the protein powders I've been using is high in cholesterol.

He was like, that's not it.

It's not the protein powder.

The protein powder, I've been using Yoohoo.

Yeah.

Powdered Nesquick.

Yeah.

Chocolate milk has protein.

And so now what I've been doing, though, now is I've been taking, you ever heard of berberine?

No, so it's like a natural

like

so.

This is the newest bullshit you've believed in.

No, every time we talk, you're into some bull, you were into God for a while.

Is that over?

Uh, relatively over,

it was, but then when I saw Joe Rogan back on, I was like, Maybe I should get back on, but then I was like, I can't listen to this.

So, now I'm back on.

Oh, do you know how many shitty fucking open micers are going to start going to church now?

I know.

The way they used to pretend to be into MMA, they're like, I love uh St.

Paul and the Epistle letter to the Ephesians.

Yeah, hey, I go on, I'm like, hey, I'm Christian Corinthians.

Well, just kill Tony Minutes about the Virgin Mary and how awesome she was.

Just going off on the Philistines and having sick, crazy bits about Joseph.

But so this.

The reason why I like berberine and red yeast rice is because for me, the one thing, if the Chinese have been using it for years, I'm in, dude.

And the Chinese are all about berberine and red yeast rice because they don't really do, I mean, they do statins and all that and pharmaceuticals, but that's what they've been doing.

And they have like year after year, some of the lowest cholesterol.

They've also been walking.

They've also been eating steamed vegetables and like, you know,

they haven't had pee.

They don't even know what cheese is in half of China.

So I think there's a little more you can take from the Chinese than their oriental powders.

It's so funny.

I'm trying to live like this Chinese lifestyle.

I don't take any of the vegetables or the steamed food.

All I do is take take the red yeast rice and then smoking cigarettes, hovering off the floor.

Gambling.

Gambling's gambling.

Yes, saying openly I hate Taiwan.

And I'm like, why is my cholesterol going down?

Yeah, man.

What did you do for the 4th of July?

I mean, that's a fat boy holiday.

Oh, 4th of July, I went out.

Also, Bert, you know, Bert asked us about it.

Yeah, because Bert asked, what did you eat, though?

Let's go there.

Okay, so actually for 4th of July, I went down to my aunt's house, and what happened was, is I don't really, I've been trying not to drink as much, but I had two back-to-back spot and beers.

That's the thing my family goes in with some heavy German beers, and I was just throwing back spots with my aunt Eileen.

And it was just funny, literally, like when it was culturally cool to be Italian, you were Italian.

Yeah, and now that you know, half the country is Nazis, you're like, I'm German now, yeah, I'm drinking spot and beer.

Let's deport everyone who's not white.

This is what my family's always believed.

I'm a good fellow, I don't even fucking like Spirit Casey.

Yeah, as soon as the Chinese take over, I'm just sitting on the floor.

Just

I have the things through my hair.

Oh, the Distefanos.

No, Ridgewood was a fucking child.

They used to call it Little Beijing.

You just keep fucking changing.

I just paved everything in yen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, so 4th of July, I ate, I had these back-to-back spottings, and I got a buzz because once it started mixing with that berberine and red yeast rice, I just, the concoction,

so I start getting crazy.

Yeah, German and Chinese.

You got the powders in the beer.

Yeah, so all my inhibitions kind of like.

That's two types of people that love getting fucked up.

100%.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, don't sleep on the Chinese.

They get absolutely hammered.

And don't sleep on the Japanese.

Historically, the Japanese get absolutely hammered and all the...

The Japanese might be the biggest.

Actually, you know, maybe Japanese is even more.

Because do the Chinese get that fucked up?

Because I do, my Asian friends, I guess I'm thinking of Koreans.

They would drink through, they would get like flushed.

That's like a thing people talk about, the flush.

Right.

And that's how much they love getting fucked up.

They would be bright red.

Yeah.

Just so fucking fucked up.

But they loved it, man.

And yeah, the the Japanese, that cult, that drinking culture is fucking insane.

Insane.

And they, and you just, and dude,

and you would love it too because you can fuck prostitutes and it doesn't count as cheating.

Which I think

I'm not going to go as far as to say.

That is the one thing I like about Mondani's campaign.

He wants to decriminalize prostitutes.

That one's good.

That's the thing we all circled in the neighborhood.

We're like, hey, fuck this guy, except that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we don't want a living wage.

Yeah, yeah.

We don't want to be able to afford rent.

But prostitutes?

Yeah.

So, but, but, um, but I think

you know, with the Japanese, um, they also too historically were just dude, they the way that they used to beat the shit out of the Chinese, you ever look into that?

Yeah, yeah, oh god, just crushed them.

Um, but so, but a lot of recent bring-ups say they a lot of the Japanese veterans are like, we were just hammered, we were all drinking, doing drugs, and we were just killing everybody.

Yeah, yeah, that's not really an excuse

to commit a genocide, yeah, being like, I had too much sake, yeah, so I fucking so I leveled the village, village.

Sake bomb.

They, uh, but so we ate.

It's hilarious how much, how much revisionism for the Axis powers you've done in the last hour.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like, I'm like telling you on Germany, and then I'm like, hey, you know what, dude, the Japanese were just as bad.

Look into it, dude.

Look into Unit 731.

They were real scumbags.

They killed like 100 people.

Yeah.

So what happened was I've been pretty good on the diet, but I started drinking, getting getting hammered on these spots.

And then, oh, dude, I realized like throughout the course of 20 minutes, I ate an entire

family-sized bag that my aunt and uncle had out for the family of ruffles, potato chips, and another family-sized bag of MMs.

Ooh, ruffles, ruffles, just plain potato chips.

Plain.

Plain.

And then to try to wash it all off, I was like, all right, you know what?

I'm not going to have a cheeseburger.

And so, and then, but then it kind of, I was like, you're not going to have a cheeseburger.

You got to pay for this.

And then it got to, all right, have a burger and no cheese.

And then it got to, just have the meat.

And then it got to, you know what?

It's 4th of July.

It's a holiday.

Just have a double cheeseburger, extra ketchup.

Yeah, that'll show you.

And then I was like, maybe I'll just go walk a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then we, and then let's go walk to this Fourth of July celebration.

Of course.

And it just went off the rails, dude.

And I literally woke up July 5th being like, you absolutely, this was supposed to be America's birthday.

And look what you did to your body.

What about you?

You're disgusting.

Yeah, I love, I mean, the Fourth of July, great.

I will say Fourth of July is is the one time that the rest of America shits on New York City.

Right.

I love New York.

Best city.

I'll never leave here.

I love living here.

I have a place in Baltimore for my, you know, visit my family and stuff.

Beautiful place.

I love it here.

Yeah, yeah.

You were there.

I love it here.

But I will say, 4th of July is a total suburbs backyard.

100%.

Pool.

Shitty pool.

Just got the chlorine in.

You know what I mean?

I don't want to be on a rooftop in Williamsburg.

Oh, there's 100, you know, there's like 40 people.

You're fucking, you know, you're like this.

They're passing around like artisan sausages.

It's like, no, I want a shitty dog.

I want burgers that were fucking frozen.

Yeah.

Right.

This can't be high-quality meat.

Yeah.

I want to eat four.

I want to eat four shitty burgers.

Yeah.

I want to eat one, maybe, maybe nine hot dogs throughout the day.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like a hot dog,

the way like you'd eat hors d'oeuvres at a wedding, I want to eat hot dogs.

I eat hot dogs like they're pigs on the blanket on 4th of July.

But chilling

in a lawn or on a backyard by a cannonball in a shitty shitty.

Yeah, dude, I got to go.

I don't want to walk up your sixth-floor walk-up in Green Point.

I need the kind of pool that the guy who owned it is so he's leveraged up to his eyeball.

He took a second mortgage for this pool.

He can't afford it.

He thought it would make his wife love him again.

He's going to lose the house.

We don't know this is a going-away party, this 4th of July barbecue, but that's the vibe I want.

What you want then, what you want, I've only went once.

What you want to do is go to Paul Versey's house.

Dude, Paul Verse's

Paul Verse's house.

You've ever been to the 4th of July party, though.

That's the one I got.

God willing you get the invite next year.

I would love to do that.

Dude, it gets so crazy that instead of the cops and firemen coming to shut it down, they just go there preemptively and join in.

So as soon as the neighbors start calling the cops and firemen, they're like, no, no, we know.

We're making sure it's safe because we actually can't stop it.

It's like a 55-minute respect.

Dude, and then what happens is, it's just in conjunction, everyone starts singing the national anthem.

It just happens.

Yeah, yeah.

And you start singing it and repeat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, that does make

patriotic.

That's when it's like when some, and that's, I'm not, I'm not saying this about Versey, but it's like, that is another beautiful thing.

The fireworks display is like there are some straight men that are so repressed that it's their only form of expression.

Right.

It's like getting illegal fireworks and putting together the sickest.

They think about it all year.

They're like, I have to have the best one.

And there is something beautiful about it.

It's like, it's like how parade used to be awesome in the 30s because every closeted gay guy, it was the only time he could think of fabulous outfits.

You know, I think our,

I'm happy for gay liberation, but you have to admit, parades in America have really dipped in quality.

They have, you know,

since gay people were allowed to be out of the closet.

Yeah.

And that's the fireworks display is sort of like that for a guy who won't talk about his feelings, feels inadequate as a man.

You know what I mean?

His life is passing by.

His cholesterol is 300.

He's not responding to statins.

Yeah, yeah.

This might be his last fucking summer.

He needs to fucking spend $1,400 $1,400 on illegal Pennsylvania fireworks.

Exactly.

There's nothing more beautiful.

I'm going down to the Delaware Water Gap.

I'm going to have these M80s.

I'm going to show you that I'm alive.

I'm going to the Joe Biden Memorial Firework

and

buying them tax-free.

Do you think so?

What is your, going off Bert's question, because this is one we can get into.

What do you think?

What's your favorite American holiday?

I do think 4th of July is the best.

I remember wild.

It's not even close, in my opinion.

You know, the holidays are fine.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, classic stuff, whatever.

But 4th of July really is the one.

And by the way, Greece won the Euro Cup on 4th of July at this point, maybe 20 years.

It was 2004, so 21 years ago.

So I literally had the best Fourth of July in my life when I was 14.

Is that that long ago?

No.

14 years?

Holy fuck.

Are you 34?

I'm 36.

I was 6.

Dude, so in 2004, it's 26 years ago.

15.

You were 15, yeah.

Wow, damn.

Oh, dude, the Reaper's coming for us.

Crazy, dude.

Dude, when did you hit 40?

It's like, it blows your mind.

Like, I'm 40.

I feel like I've been 40 since I was 30.

You know what I mean?

Like, when I turned 29, I was 40.

Right.

Like, I'm the kind of guy, 40 is going to be my peak.

Right.

Like, I haven't even gotten to where I need to be as of, you know, having like

diner owner physiognomy.

It's like 40 is where I peak, you know, 40 to 54, and then it's going to be a quick

dip down to the down to the 100%, dude.

Dude, I'm going to crush those next 12 years.

Yeah, dude, you're not getting it.

You're going in a wheelchair.

Happily, by the way, like, I'm going to try and keep it together, maybe have a family, maybe be like an uncle until my nephew, you know, my brother just had a kid.

I want to be around until they're like, you know, adult, like in their mid-20s.

After that, dude, I'm getting so fucking fat.

I'm eating apple pie with every fucking, I'm having pie after every meal.

I'm treating my life like it's Thanksgiving weekend.

Right.

After, you know, maybe 55.

Dude, I mean, it's well, it's sad as shit whittling.

My dick hasn't worked in a decade.

Okay, it doesn't work.

By the way, that's how it should be.

You should go out a big, sexless blob.

Right.

It's just watching television.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Watching your favorite movies, eating like shit.

Well, that'll get you actually, I think, because I was saying before, I was in Salt Lake City and I saw this old dude, this group of old guys.

They all, every single one of them, I mean, these guys were old, like 80s, 90s.

They look like decrepit old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they were all talking.

They were all wearing like, you know, their freaking fisherman hats and their veteran hats.

And they all of them had double chocolate chip muffins, open-faced, toasted with butter.

Butter

muffin.

Now that's going to make me start crying.

That's actually patriotic.

How fat America is is the most patriotic I feel.

Yeah.

Because we, other countries, can't even consider the damage we do to ourselves at a buffet.

Oh my gosh.

Something they don't even have a concept of.

Dude, do you know, like, even in America, like our blood pressure, like standard 120 over 80, cholesterol, they want it to be under 200.

These are like the numbers.

If you have these numbers in America, they're like, great job, guys.

In France, if you had the numbers that they're applauding here, they would put you in the emergency room immediately.

Like, if your cholesterol is over 100 in France, they're like, what are you doing?

Quick, get this guy a cigarette and have him have an affair with an underage teenager.

You know what I mean?

Like, that'll see, that'll cure him.

Yeah.

Feed him a baguette somehow, and they'll be healthier than us.

But he told me this guy, I literally, I couldn't believe because I see these older guys, and I walked up to him.

I was like, sir, I just want to ask, like, you're eating this muffin.

Yes.

You know, like, how are you eating this muffin at your age?

Like, what is it?

He goes, he literally has almost like was preparing for this question.

He goes, do you know what the difference is between my generation and your generation, son?

I said, what?

He goes, you're going to eat the muffin and then stress all day about eating the muffin.

He goes, I eat the muffin.

I enjoy the muffin.

And then I move on and forget about the muffin.

So my stress, he was like, the thing that's killing you ate the muffin, it's the stress about the muffin.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, what the fuck does that guy know?

Yeah, I know.

He just won a genetic lottery.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Nobody knows shit.

You really are one of the most gullible guys of all time.

You're fucking putting Chinese powders in your shit.

Some old guy told me he's not stressing over the muffin.

And now you're trying not to be stressed.

You will stress.

That's the thing.

You'll never not stress.

I feel like you're a nervous guy.

I just have to get out of.

So what is it then?

How do I, you think I just have to be, I just have to radically accept that this is who I am.

Which that's another thing you're into now, radical.

I never heard you say radical acceptance for the 10 years we've known each other.

You've said it four times in this hour.

So that's another new thing you're into.

Dude, radical acceptance, proclaim your rarity.

I don't even know that one.

Yeah, I don't know, dude.

I think probably just eating a little better.

And you're stressed because you've moved, you've pretended you're not married for a decade instead of just getting married and building a life with who is clearly your life partner you have children with.

You're stressed because you change addresses every fucking six months.

You know what I mean?

Like, Like, you, there is something you do need to just accept that your life is pretty sick and stop trying to, you keep trying to like bite off more than you can chew for no reason because your life rules, yeah.

You have hit a lottery, like with the amount of fuck both of us, with the amount of hard work and talent we've had, how much money we make is fucked up, crazy.

Like, it is like the only reason people shouldn't kill us in the streets is because they should be killing Jeff Bezos in the streets.

Like, he, the fact that there's an ultra-rich class who, like, that cocksucker made a $50 million, you know, Amazon drivers are pissing in fucking Gatorade bottles to make their deliveries because, you know, you ordered a frisbee, and God forbid it doesn't get there in a day and a half, or else that guy's getting fired.

The Amazon shock collar is going to go off of the driver.

And fucking Jeff Bezos had a $50 million wedding.

That's who they should, you know, kill and take some stuff.

But if it wasn't for them, podcasters, we don't deserve anything that we have.

You know what I mean?

Like, we got so fucking lucky.

So it's like, yeah, dude, just enjoy how cool your life is.

Just get a nice house.

Stop trying to fucking move and get the perfect place.

Just set your route.

Like, you do need to, actually, radicalisms might be good for you because it's like, your life's pretty good.

Stop trying to fucking bite off more than you want.

Well, that's what I think, since I've been practicing radical acceptance.

I've been, that's why I think it, because my favorite holiday, by the way, is January 6th.

Were you mad when Trump, the silver, you were mad Trump guy likes?

You're like, well, no January 6th this year.

No, you don't.

I'm bringing it up because you know what happened is, so I had the engagement ring for my Jasmine for like months, dude.

I had it, and I was just like, couldn't pull the trigger, couldn't pull the trigger.

And then it's a random Monday morning.

It's like 7 a.m.

I'm, the kids are getting ready for school.

I'm downstairs.

It's January 6th of this year, and I'm watching the news, and they're talking about January 6th.

And I just

get this

come over me where I say, no matter what, everything's going to be okay.

This nation, this marriage will endure.

and i literally go i tell my stepson i go hey get the ring yeah so he goes up there and gets it he puts his viking helmet on yeah yeah he goes up there and gets and then literally i made the decision at 7 a.m by 7 15 we were fully engaged in the living room on a monday morning i had all the kids sitting on the couch so i actually did it in a way where it was cool all the kids were there sitting on the couch i had my stepson record the whole thing and wound up recording the top of our heads right but i had to record the whole thing and then jazz is in the kitchen like making making breakfast.

I love that it's next to like your stepson's screen recorded pornography probably.

He's like next to your camera roll like the most touching moment of your life is from like some girl on TikTok shaking her ass.

Some streamer having a nip slip.

That's his saved videos.

Yeah, such.

But anyway, just next to his text, his group chat about how much he hates his stepdad.

Just thinks this guy absolutely sucks.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So, but so we're sitting there and then I'm like, hey, Jazz is like making, you know, breakfast, like dude, being a mom.

Like, dude,

a Monday, think about this.

January 6th, first day back from school after full Christmas break.

So she is in, like, the kids are not getting up.

Mom mode has been like deactivated for two weeks.

She is absent.

She's exhausted.

I got to make lunch for all three kids.

None of them want the food that they, that Demon.

Jane is saying he has to focus on podcasts.

He can't help out.

Not for me to make a bologna sandwich.

He's thinking of riffs for Giannis right now.

Yeah.

I'm like, hang on, I have to jog and meditate at the same time.

I'm doing radical acceptance.

I've accepted.

I'll never help you with anything.

Yeah, yeah.

You should too.

Yeah.

I'm literally not helping.

I'm snorting berberine off the coffee table.

So, so she's, I'm like, hey, like, I got, I'm like down on one knee with in the living room with the ring and I'm yelling.

I'm like, Jazz, come on, can you come in here for a second?

And she's screaming at me.

She's like, Chris, I cannot, I have to make all the practice for the kids.

You didn't do the dishes last night.

She's like, did you get their school uniforms laid out?

I'm like, they're not going to wear the uniforms today, babe.

And so, and she's like, Chris, I'm not.

And then she's like cursing at me in Spanish.

It's like all off camera.

And then she walks in.

I'm just standing there, like with the ring.

And she, you know, obviously was like so happy.

My daughter was like, we're finally going to be a family.

Good God, the fucking, the therapy you've caused these kids.

Your daughter, what they think a husband should be.

You are fucked, by the way.

I can't wait to see who they start dating.

Which non-committal fucking idiots they fucking start dating.

Well, well so i i well the thing the the the kind of lie that i've convinced myself is the truth that i've told my oldest daughter is like well the reason why i waited is because i wanted you my oldest daughter to have memories of the wedding hilarious so that's why i waited when it's really just like daddy just needed to kind of get to a place where he just radically accepted

and also had to make sure that you know his cholesterol is so high he's he's realizing health-wise he couldn't do better yeah even though financially you're doing well right at this point you wouldn't find a woman who would you know you needed someone who's gonna change your catheter.

You know what I mean?

In a couple years.

Yeah.

And that you feel, you realize that's where you are now.

I know, like, I tell my family, like, after we get engaged, I'm like, we're going to do the

wedding, you know, on this date.

And my daughter and my family is like, finally, we're going to be settled.

I was like, it's going to be great.

I was like, I've also put an offer in a new house.

They were like, wait, what?

I thought we were going to be settled.

I was like, we're closing.

We're closing in a month.

Yeah.

And it's got the yard.

It's got the pool.

And this is what it is.

But my therapist actually did tell me last week.

She was like, you know, I got to be honest.

She was like, over the last year, she was like, the commitments that you've made to your fiancé, to buying a home, to staying on top of your health.

She's like, I am, we are all pretty proud of you.

Wow.

And I was like, thank you.

You're like, thank you.

And she was like, all right, that should keep him on the hook for another two years.

Two years.

Like, I can't believe I fucking, I've milked him this long.

Yeah, I know.

He hasn't made progress in a decade.

I know.

I always.

He's behaving the way a 30-year-old should.

He's 40, whatever.

I always think like I have like this great therapist.

And then they'd always re and then I'm always reminded that maybe they're not because they asked me to pay them through Venmo.

So I'm like, I'm just Venmoing some lady.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, some lady just sitting in her.

The same way you buy ketamine is the way you fucking get therapy.

That's beautiful, man.

That's a real love story right there is you finally, finally getting engaged to the woman you have three children with.

Yes.

Yeah.

To the woman who like, she like literally like, for the longest, I was like, yeah, but look, in the will, if anything happened, like, you would inherit everything just like you're my wife.

Yeah.

She's like, yeah, but I'm not your wife.

Yeah.

It is hilarious.

What was the hang up there?

Fully, full, 100%

not accepting,

you know, kind of like just thinking you were going to do better at some point.

That, and that's the thing.

And then you realize, like, oh, no, no, no.

I hit the lotto with her too and my family.

And it's like anything that you want that you're always like searching for like more.

What's out there?

Maybe this could be better.

Maybe that could be better.

And then it kind of just hit me, I think, from literally just being mentally exhausted of like, my life is going by and I'm not even understanding any of it or I'm never in the present even.

And I said to myself, dude, everything you have is like such a blessing.

So just, you have a beautiful family, you have a beautiful home, you have a beautiful career, everything is fine.

Just like this is like the life that, because I sometimes I think we all think as people, some of us think as people, like, oh, when X happens, I'll be happy.

When X happens, when this happens in my career, I'll feel good.

And it's like, no, life is happening now.

It's about the journey.

And this is what Chris says in like two weeks, some Me Too allegations drop.

You're just trying to get ahead of them.

You're like, I'm a family man.

How can I DM a fucking 19-year-old?

I'm going to tattoo on my neck.

Well, that's beautiful, man.

And I think that's going to do it for episode one of the Summer Bears.

Chris and Stav takeover.

We hope you guys had a wonderful time.

We hope we haven't lost too many of the sponsors.

That's right.

We also don't give a fuck.

Fuck you, Tom.

You made a big mistake

putting two fucking idiots in charge of your podcast.

I wish there was valuations to see how much this drops in six weeks, but we'll find out.

We had a blast.

Thank you guys for listening.

We will be back next week and every week, I think, for the next, we're your summertime boys.

We're your summertime boys.

Thank you guys.

Hope you had fun.

And honestly, fucking, if you have shit that you want us to talk about, if you have topics you want to do, if you have like, is there stuff you want us to, you know, should we look into, should we do a segment every episode where it's like, how would we improve Two Bears One King?

You know what I mean?

Like, is there stuff you want us to do?

Is there stuff, is there things that Burt and Tom have done that you want us to comment on?

Do you want us to kill ourselves?

That's also another thing.

Do you hate this even more than the regular show?

That's probably what's going to happen.

Because if I listened to a podcast of two guys I liked and then two dickheads I don't know just showed up, I'd be pissed.

You're like, okay, this is already Two Bears 1K views are always going down, already going down.

And then you bring in Chris and Stavier and they talk about Berberine for an hour.

Now I'm supposed to watch Berberine and Nazis.

That's the show?

What the hell?

So yeah, we don't actually give a fuck either way.

We're just here having a good time.

We're here with Benson Spoon.

We're going to have a nice summer here.

But yeah, this is, like we said, we're your fucking, we are your substitute teachers.

We're rolling in a movie on that cart every fucking week.

Every day.

And we hope you have a good time.

We'll see you next week.

Bye, guys.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what what we call two bears, one cave.