Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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And we are back and we're together and you're out of the hospital and you're here.

I feel good.

You look good.

It's been a rough.

You have a star on your face.

I have a star on my face because I have a pimple and this draws out the pimple.

I think it's a

ingrown hair.

Is it designed for that or is it just?

No, well, you can get ones that are circles, but then you look kind of weird.

But is it for that?

Yeah.

Oh, it's for that.

It draws out the pimple.

Okay.

And so I'd rather have a star on my face and let everyone see it than put like a, I was going to put a band-aid over it.

Yeah.

But it's crazy.

Everyone's like, what happened?

Dude, this pimple has two heads on it.

Two heads?

It's two heads.

It looks like

Marky Mark's nipples.

You ever know he had a third nipple?

No.

Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple.

I didn't know that.

By the way, so does one of the guys in WWE has a third nipple.

I saw that, too.

How long has that been a two-headed dildo on your face?

I woke up.

I got this.

If you go back like a month ago, it was there, but it never got ahead.

And then it went away, but I could always feel a lump.

And then it started coming back.

It's a hair.

It's a hair in there, so I got to get Dr.

Pimple Popper on it.

Yeah, Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple.

Really?

Yeah, do you ever see those girls with two vaginas?

Type in girl with two vaginas and what's the draw with i mean i'm not no shade given to bonnie to bonnie uh the woman that's everyone bonnie blue bonnie blue no shade but like that's crazy that that's like a big thing that people are trying to outdo each other it's like when comics were seeing who could go longest on stage yeah it's like wild and they i think they she said they each get like

They each get like 45 seconds.

Oh, 45 seconds.

I thought they get like a souvenir.

I fucked Bonnie Blue and all I got was his hat.

Yeah.

She was born with two vaginas.

Who, this other person?

Yeah, there's, I've been hearing a lot about vaginas.

Oh, she's got OnlyFans.

That's cool.

That's what you should do if you have two pussies.

You should show them.

Yeah, I'd have two OnlyFans, one for one pussy and one for the other.

You think you could fuck that.

And the answer is yes.

Well,

she's got a vagina.

Okay.

But she everywhere else looks male.

Hold on.

Who's the, what's the, the porn star's name?

Buck Angel.

You think you could fuck Buck Angel?

Oh.

Right?

Kind of looks like Jason Ellis.

So,

you know what I mean?

Oh, my God.

There's a vagina there.

Yeah, yeah.

So he was a biological female.

Oh, 100% I could.

It would be cool for you to look in the face.

Like, look at his face.

I think we'd do a doggy style.

I mean, it's still like a pretty masculine back.

Yeah, it's a pretty...

Yeah, I don't know.

I probably could be fine fucking that.

Really?

I mean, his face is so masculine.

I think it's kind of fucking cool.

It is cool.

Can I tell you what's crazy?

Oh, that's a crazy scene there.

What, with the three?

The three.

Yeah, you got

hit.

Oh, my God.

Wait, those are dicks.

Yeah, those are cocks.

Oh, wow.

Okay, that's a porn I want to see.

Will you put me a link to that?

By the way, I just found out how to watch porn in Texas.

Look at those.

Those are big dicks.

And look at their faces.

They're all fucking with you.

They're all just tricking.

Like you walked into a bar.

Who do you walk away with?

You'd be like, oh, I like the blonde.

And then you're just like, oh, shit.

All right.

I guess I'm.

I remember someone telling me

they liked watching

Trans Porn.

Yeah.

Because they were like, yeah, dude, it's like tits and tits and a dick.

You want the dick there anyway.

Wait, is this a comedian?

Yeah, it was a comedian.

Yeah, I know the comedian.

I think we know the same guy.

Yeah, the comedian who was like, hey,

do you like that?

And I was like, oh, it's not.

I'm not into it.

He's like, it's hot, though.

It's hot, though.

We're talking about this the same person and i go well i mean to you yeah and he and then he would send me a link and i could see the description of the link and he goes did you watch it i go no because i'm not into that and he was like just watch it like he was trying to like you know what's crazy convince me that i'm turned on by it so today leanne and i are staying at the hotel and she wanted to have sex last night and i was too drunk i was like no i'm going to sleep and then this morning i thought we'd have sex and she was already getting ready to go to the gym and i was like so what am i just going to jerk off she was like she was like yeah jerk off get it out of your system and jerk off so we can hang out today so i go to pornhub and fucking pornhub in half of this country is like yeah hey listen i need to see a picture of your license never will i give you a picture of my life i'm not gonna let you know what i'm watching on pornhub that is a sucker's play i know so today i'm like dude i hate that i can never look at porn when i'm in texas or but you can't i got

oh i was gonna say different sites don't have the same resources

i know but should we i i feel like we shouldn't promote that so it doesn't get on someone's radar and then they actually make a like because I could give you another site.

I don't even want to say it because I don't want somebody to watch and like let a lawmaker know that they should prevent that.

But there's yeah, there's a couple that you but it's so funny.

I'm so used to the interface on pornhub and pornhub kind of knows my algorithm.

Yeah, so it suggests things that it knows I'm into.

I don't have an account.

It just knows you've been to this site.

I can go to old links and it'll go, oh yeah, you like it.

It's the old cookies.

Yeah.

It's the old cookies.

Yeah.

Then I go to I go to this new one and just type it in.

I thought this was hysterical.

Okay.

It's called.

Okay.

And then I didn't, it's really kind of complicated.

It looks like a high school senior made it.

Like it doesn't look like it doesn't have the

oh wow.

What?

No way.

They already got it?

They got it?

Jesus.

There you go.

No.

No, that's not it.

Oh, that's.

Maybe that's it.

Anyway, I went to the categories because I was like, I was like, I don't really know what I think that's it.

I think those are the exact videos.

Actually, that's it.

I went to the categories.

Go to categories.

Okay, go to categories.

And okay, I want you to, this is what made me laugh.

So they are so specific.

Psy, big ass, big cock, big dick, big tits, d black, blondes, blowjobs, brunettes, camporn.

It goes all the way.

And then it just, and then one just goes gay.

Just one gay?

Yeah.

Like, are you gay?

Okay, you like this.

Like, it's so specific for heterosexuals that it just goes

gay?

Yeah.

Okay.

Just click gay gay because I was like, gay?

Oh, yeah.

That is.

Oh, that is pretty gay.

That guy's young.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

They're all young.

They're all.

Dude, have you seen the guy online who's like,

he's like a good-looking kid.

I think he lives in South Florida.

We're good on this.

They're all so young.

Yeah.

They're all so young.

Do you say the same thing when you watch Straight Porn?

I don't look at old ones.

I look at old ones.

You look at old ones?

Yeah, MILF.

Stepmother is like my favorite.

That's your favorite character?

Yeah, stepmother.

Yeah.

Stepmother or MILF or I go to like someone I've discovered, like I've found, and I'll go to her and find her stuff.

That's cool.

Yeah.

But there's this dude online.

I wonder if any of you guys have seen this.

He's a young, good-looking kid.

And he's like, yo, what's up?

I just got my back blown out by my boy.

And this other dude comes up and they're like kind of kissing.

And then, and so I followed him.

And then I don't know his name.

I can't tell you which one he is.

He's a good-looking kid, but he's like, the one that made me laugh, he was like, like, yo, it's time to normalize homie head.

Homie head.

Can you imagine?

Head from your homies?

That's cool.

He's a homie head.

I mean, it would be cool if it was normalized.

I mean,

it's not like it would not be cool.

Name one guy.

Oh, boy.

Who's

who could normalize homie head to you?

Be it like if it's Brock Lesnar and you're in a car, you're driving in the fucking woods, and he's like, yo, that's my guy.

That's my guy.

That's my guy.

Okay.

Here, there'll be normalized homie head.

It don't have to be awkward.

It's two guys blowing on some steam, sipping up their pants, and going on about their way.

Come on, baby, let's get to it.

2024.

He's pretty chill.

Dude, hey, go to the one where he gets his back blown out.

It's in a parking lot.

It's in a parking lot.

And it's with another guy.

That's the gayest way a man can pose, by the way.

When his foot's up in the air, there?

Where?

Where?

this below that row to the right, that that's the gayest way a guy can ever lay.

Did you ever see the video of the two black guys and they're talking on face cam and his chicks behind him with their feet up?

He's like, Yo, homie, what's going on with the feet?

He's like, What feet?

He's like, Your feet, where you keep your feet?

He's like, Stop doing that shit, man.

Oh, yeah,

this, he,

this kid, I follow him.

Would you let him blow you?

No, he's too young.

That's the issue?

Yeah.

I'd want like Kevin Spacey.

An older guy.

Yeah, if I was gay.

I would hate to find out I was gay now and then realize how great it is.

All my franchise years are behind me.

What if you found out you're like, oh, shit, this is really what I like?

And you're 52.

You had no idea.

And then all the times when you were really good at fucking and you looked good and people wanted to fuck you, they're all behind you.

They're all gone, yeah.

I know.

And now you're just some queen.

This guy just puts it.

All he does is fuck this guy, huh?

He fucks a lot.

And he's got a boyfriend.

Where's his back blown out video?

It's a point in the parking lot.

You got to go back.

You're going the wrong way.

How much do you watch this video?

I watch all of them.

Okay.

I get a deep dive on this motherfucker.

Okay.

You'd be shocked if I follow.

It's in a parking lot.

They're in a parking lot.

Yeah.

Okay.

So just scroll over them.

It's not going going to be.

You're never going to find it.

Oh, yeah.

It's a lot of videos, man.

Yeah.

I don't follow them on TikTok.

I only follow them on Instagram.

Twinktone.

Cool.

I got my brand.

It would be cool to be in that whole subculture of

gay.

Just gay fucking.

Just

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We're going to a gay bar tonight.

I've got our outfits.

Not our outfits.

This is your outfit.

No, I have my outfit.

This is your outfit.

I think.

Oh, it goes like this.

Your cop goes out of here.

Yeah.

You put your cock and balls here.

This goes around your waist and you wear it like that.

Oh, that is cool.

Yeah.

It would be tough.

I mean, I'm being serious when I say this.

And I hope this doesn't come out like

ignorant.

I mean, it's going to come out ignorant.

Okay.

Like, how do you have a friend when you're gay?

Like, you're just friends with them.

And not fuck them?

Yeah.

I think they just do.

Okay.

Yeah, you just fuck your friend.

Be like, it's cool.

Yeah, I mean, I would would be like, if I would, if I was,

I mean, I just seem, I would think I would be a little more promiscuous.

It's like, it's like, imagine if you had girlfriends, but then they also were like, yo, I like fucking too.

Yeah.

And you were single.

You just fuck a lot.

Yeah.

I think that's what's happening.

It's got to be confusing.

I don't know.

I think gay culture is pretty like open about liking fucking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're going to find out tonight.

I know.

I'm so fucking pumped.

Are you?

Yeah.

Will you let a dude touch your dick?

What?

Will you let a a dude touch your dick?

Just pull it out.

They get handsy.

Yeah, they do get handsy.

Yeah, they're like those monkeys in Africa that climb into your Jeep and take your food out of your backpack.

Are you going to let one touch your dick?

Yeah.

I'll let a gay guy touch my dick.

Are you going to take something to make it grow before?

We should get some Bluetooth.

We have a stash.

We should get some Bluetooth.

Just go in there fully ramped up.

Yeah, dude,

I am so pumped.

I hope they know that I'm coming with love.

Like that we're not mocking them.

Like I've, this has been my, this has been my opus for a while.

I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for Porosos and lean into the gay bears.

I think that community is cool as fuck.

And I think it's, I think it's, I think it's cool because, you know, and I'm talking a little wild, but like gay culture is all about like, when you go to like the Abbey and Hollywood, we went.

It's all really like jacked and good looking guys.

And everyone looks like the guy, Twink Tone, who got his back blown out.

And then you got guys like us who found their people.

Yeah.

And they like the thing they like.

They like some hair on a dude.

I just think that's so cool that there's different subcultures of gay.

Sure.

It's not just one thing.

Yeah.

And this one's my favorite.

I think mostly because I look like them.

Yeah.

Dude.

So you're going to have some eyes on you.

I can't fucking wait.

I'm going shirtless.

I'll show you what I'm wearing for real.

This.

And I'm going to, I'm going to wear, this goes over my shoulders, and that's my underwear.

And then I'm going to put these pants on over him.

and I'm going to be behind the bar.

But you know what?

I just realized, not all gay guys are whores.

Yeah, that's dressing like a whore.

Yeah.

Look at this.

Yeah.

Dude, Tom Selick.

Look at that bear community.

That's our fucking people, Tom.

You know why?

Do you know why?

For real?

Because those are the people that go to our shows, but they just happen to be straight.

Right, right.

Well, some of them aren't straight.

They come to your shows.

I've had a lot of gay bears come to my shows.

Yeah.

And they're going to be all up on you today.

I told you about that time the guy stopped me in in his car imagine what's going on in those water like in a oh my god oh i bet the i bet the drain for that thing is fucked i know it's just like glued shut

there's no filter working and they're like um

so many tie jobs black brown brown black bears

yeah there are black bears yeah

Do they call Asian bears of color?

Oh, go to go to, yeah, talk, see if they have Asian colors.

We must allow ourselves to what?

To take it in the mouth?

Asians are hairless.

Take up space.

Oh.

Yeah.

So they're making a.

What is it?

Gay Asian bears?

I think it's pandas.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Look at that guy.

Fuck yeah.

This is going to be fun tonight.

I'm getting wasted.

Dude, I hope you end up fucking a guy.

Just hammer to.

You're like, dude, last night was crazy.

I was so fucked up.

I ended up fucking a guy.

The best wake-up I ever have had in my entire life.

The best wake-up.

Like, sometimes I deal with life based on my wake-up, right?

So, like, if I wake up depressed or

anxious, that bad wake-up can put me in a way.

I woke up with anxious this morning.

I didn't sleep so great.

And then my nose was stuffed up in the middle of the night.

So I had a hard time breathing and my shoulder hurts.

And I was like, fuck.

And I just woke up like that.

Fuck.

And then the other day, I woke up in Minneapolis.

Best wake-up ever.

Best wake-up ever.

How was the wake-up?

I rolled over and Leanne goes, you choke slammed two dudes last night.

Oh, yeah.

It's the best wake-up I've ever had.

Yeah.

That was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my entire life.

And all I'm telling you in Triple H, if you are watching, if anyone can get this, Triple H, Tom has a fucking series called Bad Thoughts coming out April.

May 13th.

Yes.

May 13th.

There is going to be a Monday night raw right before his comes out.

I will go with you.

I will go with you.

We bring the boys.

Okay, okay.

And we go to see WW Raw.

Tom, the energy there is so fun.

And it's just like bears.

It's like, it's like,

but it's all people into one thing.

Yeah.

And they, I mean, it was so fun.

Is this you jumping over the this is me jumping.

Have you not seen this?

No.

Okay.

Leanne's pissed.

Right here?

Yeah.

Why?

She goes, I wasn't supposed to do any of this.

That security man that I'm really

Now,

at this moment, I'm panicking.

You are really?

I'm really panicking.

I'm like, please wake up, CM Punk.

Please wake up.

There you go.

Look at this.

Boom.

You're really going going to smack that.

It scares me.

Look at this.

Tommy, not my best look.

I should have kept the belt on.

Look at this.

Look at that toe fail.

Oh, dude.

Look at that.

Do it again.

Poe's going, do it again.

Do it again.

Tommy, it was the most exhilarating.

Now, I'm going to say this.

Yeah.

Because

I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast.

Yeah.

And Theo said, was that planned?

And Schultz says, no, it wasn't.

And in my head, I was like, bullshit, right?

Because we go there for Netflix.

We go on behalf of Netflix.

Netflix asked, can you go to Minneapolis?

Just what all they were going to have me do is hold the belt.

I was going to do a promo, right?

So I did a promo with Otis.

I was backstage.

It's really confusing.

like the whole thing is very confusing because everyone's kind of nice to you but there is this real meryl energy and i had seen those two dudes for real backstage and they're australian i thought they were irish or something yeah and i said something about conor mcgregor and they did not find it funny yeah and then and i was like oh i think they're australian and then they kept walking back and i thought they were doing a bit with me like they were like like this thing by the way all of this that's on there is not on air.

That's not on air.

The cameras were off.

The show was over.

The show was over, Tom.

This is not on the air.

It's all off air.

The cameras were, the show was over.

Everyone, cameraman, Pat McAfee, everyone left.

Everyone left.

That happened after the fucking show.

So when Schultz said it wasn't scripted, I was like, bullshit.

It's got to be scripted.

So I go, I do the promo thing with Otis.

They give me the belt.

I put the belt on.

I chug a beer.

All scripted, all set up.

We knew we were going to do that, right?

And I had said to Triple H, I was like, I want to get in the ring.

I want to take a couple of bumps.

And everyone was making fun of me.

They're like, bro, you're 52.

I remember I told some, one guy goes, how old are you?

And I said, said, 30.

And he went, what?

And I went, oh, I'm 52.

And he goes, hang on, if you're old enough that you don't remember how old you are, we're not going to let you take bumps.

And so I was like, I was like, I was like, and Triple H said,

30.

I've been like, what the fuck does this guy eat?

They thought I was drunk.

Maccafe came up to me.

He goes, what's in the glass?

I said, it's coffee.

And he goes, okay.

I told Pat, I go, do you think I could take a bump?

And he was like, no.

I said, but you have.

He goes, buddy, I bought a wrestling ring my first year in the NFL.

Like, I've been a wrestling fan my whole life.

When we did this in our backyard as kids, like, I knew what I was doing.

I had a guy trained me before I started doing anything.

And so I was like, okay.

So I was like, oh, so I said to Triple H, I was like, I was like, you know, I said to Cody and I said to everyone I wanted to take a bump.

And Triple H is like, yeah, I don't.

He's like, here's the deal, man.

If you're being serious, if you'd like to get in the ring, then absolutely we'll send you down to Orlando and you can do a couple weeks in Orlando.

That's what everyone does.

And then we can get you up to speed, but we can't just send you in there.

And I was like, okay.

So when that happened, and i swear on both of the lives of both of my daughters and my wife and my two dogs might as well throw the cats in i swear to god no scripting no planning had no idea what the was going on why did you how did how did you just thought i was going to get in trouble why did you jump you just jumped over the fucking thing no i didn't understand the i i thought i met everybody right and like i thought i kind of thought i was cool with everybody before the show and the second like new world a new day came in and they were just fucking lit me up.

I was sitting right behind McAfee and they would, everyone would come in and go, hey, you fat fuck.

And they just, I was like, what?

What did I do to Austin?

Wait, the wrestlers?

Yeah, sit down, you fat fuck.

And I was like, I'm just sitting there with my wife watching wrestling.

I'm enjoying myself.

McAfee's losing his mind.

He's laughing in front of me.

He's like, dude, they're coming after you.

Everyone came in.

Everyone lit me up.

And when they came out,

they were just staring at me.

And

they're like, yeah, take off your shirt fat boy show them titties show them fucking titties fat boy or whatever and i was like and i was like i was like but i would have had a seizure one guy got in my fucking face this is on the screen one guy got in my face and like started getting in my face up in the thing talking shit and i just i lifted my shirt up to him i didn't know what to do i know i'm not trained for this i thought we were all friends i really really honestly

My big mistake was I walked in.

Now I regret it.

I walked in that day and I i said is cm punk here and i think everyone was like we're all people too why the you live for he's the only one i know right because we did the football thing together and when i saw him i said i swear to god this is on camera you can find this on camera i said are you wrestling tonight and he went no i said what are you doing here he goes i'm just doing a promo for wrestlemania it's in two weeks i was like okay i go what are you doing i said i think i'm gonna do something with paul heyman just you know pump everyone up for wrestlemania and i was like cool And so I was like, yeah, he was not supposed to fight.

He was not on any card to fight.

He should not have wrestled at all.

And so when they did that and they started, I started looking around like, what am I supposed to do?

And they're like, yeah, get over here, fat boy.

Take your shirt off, fatty.

And I'm like,

and then I'm like, okay.

And I thought, I swear to God, Tom, I'm not joking at all.

I thought I'll go over there and I'll like talk shit and then security will pull me away.

And I got over there and the guy got out of the ring.

And I was like, hold on.

Am I going to fight this guy?

Like,

I'm like, I know, I know this is not, I know what this is sports entertainment, but now I'm looking at a guy who just got out of the ring and is charging me.

So I took my belt and started whapping it.

So I was like, because I want him to know, I don't know what I'm doing.

And I will hurt you to make sure I stay safe.

I will hit you with my belt to make sure I stay safe.

Oh, that's so fucking funny, man.

I wish you would have hit him with your belt.

And he'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?

It was so, it was such an insane experience.

But the craziest part is when CM Punk looks at me and goes, choke slam him.

And I go, huh?

I've never done a choke slam in my fucking life.

Yeah, well, it looked good.

Because he saw, I think

CM Punk had seen my special.

And I had a joke in my first bit about throwing my wife's, my wife's got like an inbred

special needs kid in her family.

Yeah.

And it's in the special.

Thanks for watching.

But I choke slammed him into the water.

He goes, do me WWE style.

And I was like, honey, he goes, but do me WWE style.

Come on.

My dad does it.

So I choke slammed him into the lake.

So CM Punk thought he must know how to choke slam people.

Yeah.

Dude, chokeslamming a man is the funnest thing.

I will do that any fight I ever get in.

I'm chokeslamming people.

That is the greatest

fucking move in the world.

Dude, you just reminded me when you're like, I don't know what's going to happen.

When I went to, in fifth grade, I went to,

I think it was Chris Dolman's football camp in outside of Minneapolis.

I was like living in the suburbs of Minneapolis.

And it was all NFL players.

And they put us in these different.

I'm 10 years old.

10.

You're with other 10-year-olds.

And then over there the 12 year olds over there are the 16 you know i mean you spread out yeah

and one of the offensive tackles

for i guess maybe for the vikings at the time because there was all different players there was like all right here's what we're gonna do

and he's six seven and he's about 320 pounds i mean he's an actual giant massive

i'm 10.

He goes, all right, and he takes one of those pads where you put your, you know, your hand through it.

He gives it to me.

He's like, hold this.

He's like, here's what we're going to do.

And he's on the other side of the pad.

And I'm holding it.

And I look and my hand's going like this.

And I was like, oh my God, this grown man is going to, I think he's going to kill me right now.

He starts describing like, you get up under it.

And I was like, oh my God.

And then right as he made impact, he just like touched it.

And I was like, oh,

I don't know if anyone saw my hand shaking like this.

Were you in full pads?

No, you're just in like t-shirt and shorts.

I was like, because I thought with the pad, he he was like, I'm just going to fucking lay into this.

I'd never been, that was what I, it's still, it's so vivid in my memory because I was so fucking scared that he was going to just unload on me and I would have fucking a little arm pad in front of me.

And then he was like, all right, so now you guys do it.

And I was like, oh, fuck.

Like, I think I had tears.

I think I probably cried as we started the drill, like out of relief.

Because it's so scary when you go, I don't know what's about to happen.

That's what, that's the whole thing.

Cause I woke up the next morning, though, I was like, I felt so good.

And I texted Cody and I texted CM Punk.

Yeah.

And I was like, yo, I think I got bit by the bug.

Yeah.

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Like, I might go to Orlando for a little bit and train.

Yeah.

And they just laughed.

They love it.

They love it.

But I really think me and you could take those two dudes in a Monday Night Raw.

Fuck yeah, man.

Of course we could.

What are they?

Australian?

Yeah.

They're the Day Down Under.

What are they?

Lovely Day Down Under?

What is the name of the rest of the Lovely Day Down Under?

No.

Is that a boy band?

I've been texting them with.

No, they're

A

Town Down Under.

Oh.

It's Grayson in Austin, and they can get this smoke.

Yeah.

That's all I'll say.

I mean, they've already gotten a taste of the B-Man.

You bring in the two of us, two bears versus a town down under,

two bears, dude, we would fucking

we would fucking crush Tom.

But what we'll do is we'll get fucking like, we'll get like a really good wrestler in our corner.

Yeah.

To like a really, really good one to be like our coach.

Somebody under 50?

Yeah, someone under 50.

Yeah.

Get Cody.

We'll get fucking get Cody or get fucking CM Punk or get both of them in our corner just to kind of like

tell us what to do.

Yeah.

Like they'll kind of like shepherd us through it.

Yeah.

I'd fucking choke slam a dude, dude.

I can do that again.

I can do that move.

That move's in my pocket.

I mean, that's exciting, dude.

That would be super fun.

Super fun.

We might need to learn how to do some stuff first.

That'd probably be good idea.

Or just go in.

I think.

I think the name of our team should be called Dumb Luck.

And we just go in with no fucking training.

town down under the team's name is a reference to both wrestlers

originating from countries with a name starting with an a

wow that's pretty deep america for theory and you guys really

went to the well for that one that's creative can i tell you what can i tell you can i tell you what's really scary yeah is the next morning i followed them on instagram yeah

They didn't follow me back.

Yeah.

I just followed them.

Like I just followed them.

So I was like, and I think I sent a message.

Hey guys, that that was really fun last night.

No reply.

Yeah.

No reply.

Yeah.

Dude,

this fucking, the wrestling scene is so cool to me because I really honestly don't know how these people don't get hurt.

There was a fucking match with

the

A New Day, I think it's called.

And

against these two Vikings.

And they did this fucking move.

Yeah, and the New Day.

Yeah.

So once again, those guys fucking lit me up.

Those guys did?

Fucking come out like Spider-Verse in the multiverse, Spider-Man in the multiverse.

And they're like, hey, fat boy.

They got my face.

I was like, I thought I said hi to you backstage.

There aren't any other black guys here.

Why the fuck are you guys?

Why is everyone being a dick to me?

And then the one guy I meet that's cool, Otis, doesn't even say hi to me after the show.

No.

Like everyone just kind of was like, yeah.

I was like, Otis.

He was like,

Otis was fucking good.

Dude, man, these guys move around so fucking fast.

They're athletes, I know.

When you see the crazy one.

He's He's big as fuck.

This dude.

What's Steiner's son's name?

I met him and I'm sorry I'm not remembering anything.

I saw him standing next to you.

This guy.

Dude.

Yeah.

Brock

and Brock.

Rach Steiner.

Go to Brock.

Go to Brock.

See if it's Brock.

He, dude, he fucking tackled a guy so hard.

I don't know.

No, that's not him.

No.

The other one?

He's a wrestler.

I'm fucking sorry.

I'm so bad with names.

I met so many people that night, but this guy fucking tackled a dude so hard that I was like, that's real.

That's real.

Like, he was coming, Tom, at a full clip.

Was it this dude?

I think so.

And he was so jacked.

He's so fucking ripped and so fucking big.

He comes running to the ring in just jeans and tackles a dude, diving tackle.

And I'm like, that would break ribs.

Then they get this one guy up against the chair, up against the wall, and they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face.

And I'm like,

these have have to hurt.

Yeah, of course.

These guys get really fucked up.

I lifted that guy at least fucking seven feet in the air and threw him onto his back.

I don't know how the fuck he got out of the ring.

That's like,

it looks, when you see it in person, I want to go.

I want me and you to go with your boys.

And I want just them to see, they're going to be, their minds are going to be fucking blown.

They would love to be in the arena because they're both really into combat sports right now.

Like they're they both do jiu-jitsu and they both are like we want a box and they they're trying to they're just like, sign us up for boxing.

We want a box.

Do you know what's going to happen when your boys see their dad and Uncle Fatsticks in the fucking ring?

Yeah, they'll go crazy.

They're going to be like, you're gods.

I got to get them into it first.

I should watch, they should watch one next week or this week.

Whatever.

Why have them watched?

WrestleMania is going to be fucking crazy.

Yeah.

It's in two weeks.

I wonder if they'll take to it.

It's so funny, though.

Like, you just discover, I don't know.

I mean, it's different for you, but I guess because you had girls, it's like some of the things you think, like they liked watching

this.

This, we watched uh, fight pass, we watched the jiu-jitsu tournament because they go to that class, right?

Like, I wonder if they'll respond to it.

Maybe they will.

Well, I mean, first of all, live live, there are times.

I mean, if you looked at the playback, I was sitting behind Pat, and so like I was in the two-shot, I was in the middle of them.

Yeah, so many times, I people just screen grab pictures of me just like this.

You see them do these things

that are so athletic yeah so and look so fucking painful and you see them get up there was this girl ao is that her name ao this is the craziest thing i saw a yeah ao wwe eo sky io sky dude they bring in the three fucking female contenders for the heavyweight bail belt and there's i think they're gonna make them all three fight at the same time yeah it's a black chick it's a fucking like a chick from brooklyn and then this ao eo whatever

they i don't know I'm bad at fucking names.

I feel bad because I met all these people and I don't, and I'm not saying their names right.

But then everyone's like,

and so, Tom, yeah, the fucking two chicks are face to face and they're talking.

And this EO sky is like, fuck this, grabs her belt, starts to walk out.

And we're watching two people talk like this.

And all of a sudden, I see this fucking rising sun Asian person flying up in the sky.

She kicks the black chick in the back of the head.

The back of the front of her head head-butts the other white chick, and they both go to the ground.

I don't give a fuck what anyone says.

You kick someone in the back of the head, it fucking hurts.

You headbutt another person, it hurts.

I was so blown when that, and that's early in the night, when that happened, I was like, holy shit, I'm fucking in.

I am in.

You got me excited to check it out, too.

I'm telling you, I'm going to call.

I'm going to talk to Ross.

I'll talk to, you know what?

It's Tom.

It'll be so fun.

It'll be so fun.

Find out where WWE Raw is when Tom's special airs.

We find out where it is.

By the way, have you seen the picture is worse?

I got a new fat picture picture to put up in my gym.

Yeah, I'm going to text you guys a picture.

It's the worst picture of me.

Oh, definitely send it.

What's this right here?

Is this just the video?

This is Peter's angle of the whole thing.

Oh, listen to Peter.

Look at you taking your belt.

I don't even know what's going on around me.

It's hilarious.

I don't even know what's going on around me.

I love that I can sense your nerves.

Yeah.

I'm like trying to get away from a dog.

Damn, get away from me.

Look how quick I ran to him.

I give a little fucking bam.

Look at Leanne.

This is not my best look.

I had a hard time getting in the ring.

Yeah.

My pants were falling down.

I saw a little crack.

He's just, you know, that's when CM Punk goes, you think you can choke slam him?

Now I got it.

I'm like, give me another one.

Come on.

Leanne goes, he's the second guy you really hurt.

And I was like, for real?

Dude.

Tom, that's going to be us.

Find out where Raw is on the month.

May 12th in Louisville.

It's Louisville.

Louisville.

It's Louisville.

Know your cities.

Does it say who's wrestling?

Let me look.

It's WWE Raw, though.

Yeah, that's it.

Louisville.

Pretty cool, man.

Dude, can I talk to you about a weird thing that is happening in my life?

And I'm wondering if you're adjacent to this.

Okay.

So I was doing an interview with Kyle Bush and his business.

NASCAR driver?

Yes.

And his lovely wife casually mentioned that her parents are in a retirement community.

Yeah.

And I said, really, how old are they?

She said, 55.

55?

And fucking...

Wait a minute.

What?

How old is Kyle Bush?

No, she's no, they're both young.

I mean, Kyle Bush is like 35, 37.

She's probably like 29.

Okay.

Yeah.

I've never been to a retirement community.

Community for 55-year-olds?

No.

So that's the really popular ones now.

There's like all these places in Florida where you can go into a retirement community.

And these retirement communities, they sound pretty awesome.

But now Leanne's obsessed.

She wants to start a retirement community.

Start one?

She wants to make her own.

She wants to buy.

There's a school in Bristol, Connecticut for sale for $500,000.

Bristol, Tennessee.

Bristol, Tennessee.

Have you seen it?

Yeah.

You have, right?

Yeah.

She wants to buy it.

She wants to start a retirement community.

There's a stage.

She goes, we'll have bands.

We'll have, she's like, it'll be just be fun.

It'll just be parties.

We'll always get fucked up.

She was like, it'll be like a fraternity house.

But you'll have other people living there.

I know, I know.

But I'm thinking, I wonder if that's the move.

What if I start a retirement community, right?

Yeah.

Just like-minded people.

I mean, it seems like honestly, like a natural fit for you.

I'm kind of starting to get into the idea of a retirement community.

Yeah, I totally see that working for you.

I can't understand why my parents never did it.

Why they didn't join one?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe the idiots don't like the idea of community.

Did you could you see you want to push on a retirement community?

Absolutely not.

Why not?

The same reason your parents didn't join one.

Really?

Yeah.

Wouldn't it be awesome?

You got a little pharmacy there where you got a rock dock on edge on there.

Yeah.

You got IVs.

That's cool.

So you can get IVs.

You can get like, you got pickleball courts, tennis courts, basketball courts.

You got a fucking pool with like a beach, and then you got a bar right in the center of it.

It's so burnt, though.

It's definitely.

I would love it.

If your day was just...

And then here's the other thing, right?

Yeah.

So like...

55 and up?

55 and up.

Girls start at 40.

Okay.

Guys have to be 55.

Okay.

Only 40-year-old dudes in there.

Yeah.

And

yeah, and you buy in, get like, I want to find like an old, like, I want to find a place and buy it and then build it out to my liking.

But you get like IVs.

You get like a rock doc, right?

So like you get a doctor, but he's a little, you know, on the.

Yeah.

So you have a community of people with the community of people where, and you got

activities planned every night, every night, like Taco Tuesday.

And everyone gets excited for Taco Tuesday.

But here's the cool thing.

So like, you know,

I think one of the things in our country that is unspoken, but is a real problem in our country is our silent caste system where people hate rich people.

But people all want to be rich, right?

Yeah, that's totally true.

It's kind of a bizarre set of circumstances considering in India, they just have a great up, they just have a caste system.

And they go, yeah, yeah, you're poor, and you'll always be poor, and you can never be rich.

That's who you are.

And accept it.

Accept it.

Well, what's cool about a retirement community is you kind of go full communism.

You kind of do.

Because everyone gets their own house.

No one's houses are better than anyone else's.

Everyone's kind of the same.

It's like, have you ever seen the place that all the rock stars live in Tennessee?

Someone tell me the name.

Someone knows the name.

I wish someone on my team was here.

It's this great, great, great fucking community.

Of rock stars?

It's country music stars, and Bargatzi's going to move there.

Music Row?

No, no, no, no.

I forget the name of it, but it's a golf community.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's no rules for the golf course.

You can play shirtless, shoeless.

You can do whatever you want.

Beers are everywhere.

They've got the place for you to store bus.

They've got all these places.

When you buy a lot, you get three houses you can pick from.

So everyone's kind of got the same houses.

So no one, there's no keeping up with the Joneses.

No.

No, it's not old Hickory.

It's, uh, I forget the name of it.

It's the one that Nate is

and Nate's trying to get me to buy one there.

And I'll and I think we're, we're trying, they, all the ones right now, we're trying to get out further in the woods, but

it's not, it's not old hickory.

But it's so cool because these guys like Morgan Whalen lives there, and like, I think Ernest lives there, all the fucking, but because

you're only can have one of three houses, then they build the house for you.

The community builds the house.

No one really can is big dicking anyone.

Everyone's on the same level.

And not everyone is on the same level.

I mean, people like Morgan Whalen are fucking making crazy money and

Nate's making crazy money too.

But like, you know, but everyone has the same house.

So I think that's the cool thing about a retirement community is everyone gets the same house.

So then ultimately, or a version of the same house, it's like track housing in the 50s or in the 40s that they did for my grandfather.

Yeah.

Everyone in Levittown got one of three houses.

And then you would go to the neighbor's house.

It was the same as your dad, as your grandmother, my grandmother's house yeah but that would be the cool thing about it and partying you don't have to live there tom just have like a it's like a little timeshare timeshare okay okay i mean build it dude i think i might i think it's exciting i kind of want to retire out of the country okay okay this is a great game okay today i said is lean can't hear me can she i think she can never mind okay

Okay, I'll say it.

I'll say it.

And then Leanne can say her.

Just whisper it if she won't hear it.

Okay.

Today

uh i was i was on my treadmill i was doing my jog and i decided to jog in stockholm sweden and uh

and i and i just realized that i never got the opportunity to live in stockholm sweden yeah like to like ride a bike everywhere and have my my my pants tight and have this like tall blonde girlfriend who goes hey would you like to meet for a beer after work and i go yeah and then i'd and then i'd ride my bike up and she'd go oh it's so lovely to see you and then we'd have a couple beers and then we'd ride our bikes home and we'd eat like a little bowl of rice or whatever, like Stockholm people do, and just go to bed with a little hot milk.

I was like, I've never got to live that life.

I never got to live.

I never married a French chick who was like smoking cigarettes in the morning off the balcony with no bra on.

And she's like, these, fuck poetry, you know, or whatever.

Like all those chicks around the world.

So now I was like, curious, what chick in what scenario, in what country do you look and go, fuck, I'll never get one of those.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, basically all of them.

I mean, they're all gone.

But name the, name one that you go.

I mean, the French one's pretty exciting.

The, the.

Oh, look at her.

Look at her.

Look at her.

Look at her.

She's right there.

Look at her in the fucking corner.

Yeah.

That's what I...

Dude, I was just explaining that.

Type in Stockholm woman.

See if I'm maybe

look.

Oh, yeah.

And then she goes, oh, it's so good to see you.

My mama mama and the papa are coming by later.

And maybe we get a little, little bit of beer now, not too much.

And then my mama, daddy, papa, papa would like to go have one with you.

She's special needs.

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

Okay, what's the Italian version?

I mean, that would be cool.

Type in a hot Italian woman.

Italian chick on a Vespa who's just like, I'll drive.

And you're like, okay.

Hey, Tommy.

That's the dash of where my mama and then the papa made a bread when I was a little girl.

There she is.

She's right there.

Look at her.

Look at at her.

She's hot, dude.

Japanese?

Dude, I got a geisha one night.

Yeah.

That was the greatest night of my life.

That's fucking cool.

Dude, I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

No, diaping hot geisha.

Serving you?

She served me all night.

Yeah.

That's what I was doing.

She sat in my room while I slept.

She sat while you slept?

She sat in my room while I slept.

I had, dude.

one of the greatest nights of my life.

Was a geisha night.

Kyoto, Japan.

Yeah.

We go to, we get a geisha.

She sits with me through dinner.

She was, you know, we're doing triple flips, so she sits with me, but she's my geisha.

She sits with me.

She laughs at everything I say.

She doesn't speak English.

She's laughing at everything.

Right?

I tell her, you know, hey, can I get another beer?

She goes has beer.

I was telling her about sake bombs.

She hadn't done sake bombs.

I was like, how the fuck is that possible?

So I'm doing sake bombs.

And then she's, they're time for me to go to bed.

So she takes me to my room.

She makes my bed, undoes my bed.

She gets all my clothes out.

I tell her, I have, explain to her, I have a flight in the morning, that I have a flight early.

And so I, and I have to shower, but there's no shower.

And she says, you know, whatever.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I'll bathe you with my hands.

She sits in the corner of my room while I slept.

I don't think I passed out, but I don't know if I, I woke up and she was sitting in the corner of my room.

And she saw me wake up and she got out.

She drew a bath.

It was snowing.

It was fucking snowing.

I have a picture of this.

I took a picture.

I wanted to take a picture of me, her, in the bath, but I was naked.

So I was like, she drew a bath.

It's snowing outside, Tom.

And then she brought me a fucking Sappuro in the bath.

It's snowing outside.

It's still dark.

My geisha hasn't slept all night long.

I fucking power napped.

Yeah.

I'm in a bath.

It's snowing, Tom.

It's one of the most beautiful fucking mornings of my life.

Yeah.

Look at this picture of this.

Japan.

What was her tit sitch like?

She wasn't that attractive, to be honest with you.

I was in Osaka.

Or no, I was in Kyoto.

Look at this, Tom.

Yeah.

This was my bath.

It was my bath in the snow.

This is me trying to take a picture of me and my geisha.

Yeah, that's not so good.

I bet I have a picture of my.

That's me.

She dressed me to go on the airplane.

Nice.

That's the Lakos clothes.

That's how you laid out.

That's the clothes you laid out.

And I was like, I was like, I can't have it.

Where am I?

Where are the rest of my clothes?

Oh, you know another girlfriend?

Who?

Like

the

racist southern

you know it's not all as cracked up to be oh

no is that it is a good girlfriend is the the the redneck redneck girlfriends i've had one i have one i'm married one yeah right and they're fucking

she's just dropping slurs all the time and she's i wish land was a little more racist yeah that'd be cool

She said something the other day.

She said something in the the car the other day, and I'd never heard her say it.

And she goes, Oh, we said that all day, all my life growing up.

Oh, oh, good goody.

Someone tell Leanne to text me what she said.

Good guty?

It was so stupid, Tom.

And I was like, but you know, here's the cool thing about this redneck chick.

I'm going to blow up redneck chicks for a second.

Surfer girlfriend?

You ever have that?

No.

That's a pretty good one.

That would be a surfer girlfriend?

Okay, what about a hiking Colorado girlfriend?

Oh, yeah, that's another one.

Surfer girl's cool.

Surfer girls.

Surfer girl would be badass.

Yeah.

How about

how about the New York chick?

How New York?

I don't know.

I can't do like Long Island accents.

No, that's rough.

Yeah.

It's okay.

Like that Philly accent.

It's on.

It's all my cousins.

Yeah, you want to get it.

You want me to suck you cock?

Yeah, I went out with a girl from Boston once who had a heavy Boston accent, and I would go limp as she spoke.

She was, yeah.

Wait, type in, type.

I just want to see if it has hot,

hot Boston girl disgusting accent.

Best Boston.

Okay, let's see.

Let's see this best.

Can we hear it?

Oh my god, lady.

All right, real quick, don't even think about it.

TD Garden,

TD Garden, Mufla, Mufla, Fenway Park, Fenway Park, Carr,

Carter.

That's my favorite.

That's the fucking intense accent.

Yeah.

I bet it grows on you.

I bet it grows on you.

We just didn't grow up around it.

No.

I don't know if it grows on you.

I think it does.

Come on.

Palachi Pekka.

Come on, let me see that cack.

You want to see that cack?

It's like having sex with Bobby Kelly.

Yes, rough, dude.

Hey, dude.

Dude, let me see a cock.

Yeah, let me see a little pecker.

Hey, I don't pull up a little pecker.

I don't really like that.

No, I don't know if I could.

Pittsburgh's a rough one.

Pittsburgh?

Pittsburgh accent.

Yins.

Yins downtown.

That's an intense.

But I think, here's the deal.

I think, okay, so obviously French accent.

French accent, Italian accent.

Oh, what about like a sophisticated Brit?

That's kind of hot because you know that like she's going to be super proper all the time, but then just like a total fucking whore in bed.

Dude, that's the whole thought behind Brazzers.

Really?

Brazzers is all British chicks, and you hear like a British chick.

Dude, the British, the posh British accent.

Yeah.

Type in posh British chick gets fucked.

I want to hear what they sound like when

they have sex.

Horror at night.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay, we got to hear her talk, though.

Yeah.

There she is.

She's talking a little little bit.

Let's hear her.

Let's hear her.

Do you like deep throat babies?

Okay.

This might just be a cool trailer.

I think it is a cool trailer.

How do we get the that's not even a real dick?

That's a real dick.

That is a real dick.

Wait.

Come on.

I need her to say something like, get me a cup of tea.

Okay.

All right.

I feel bad that there's girls working in there that are all watching this.

Yeah.

Here you you go.

Oh, well, this is a little creepy.

The fucking audio sucks on these.

What is this from 93?

You are going to fail.

There you go.

You understand?

Yes,

when they're

too dumb to read.

She's like, you can't fucking breathe.

By the way, I can't have them dressed up like children.

Clearly, a girl's running this page.

Talking.

Never mind, guys.

Whoa!

This shouldn't take us too long at all.

We'll just make it a nice little

Saturday afternoon refresher lesson.

Cool.

All right.

Thank you for driving.

Get to the action, guys.

Okay.

We'll back it up a little bit.

I want to see how that happened.

DC start failure test right there.

Cool.

Just watching porn with my bro today.

All right.

Just hanging out, watching porn with my buddy.

He's rock hard.

You got to look like an actor.

Yeah.

All right.

You can get this off.

Okay.

So, like, let's rank them.

Top five hottest chick accents.

I mean, I think French,

Italian, Spanish, Greek,

British.

Jesus.

American doesn't even hold.

We got so many different accents in here.

No, plus American bitches, they're all fucking, they got too many ideas, you know.

You almost want a stereotypical, submissive, like Italian, like, hey, that's okay.

You can have a lady to have a sex with also on the side, just like the guy that made the car, Ferrari.

Sophia Vargara, fucking best accent.

Colombian.

She's from Colombian.

Jesus Christ.

The Spanish accent is so fucking hot.

Sexiest accents around the world.

Number one is British.

Okay.

Number two, French.

Number three, Italian.

We're hitting this this out of the park.

Number four, Australian.

Ner, ner, ner.

Now that's not cock.

Five, Spanish.

Yeah, there we go.

That's good.

Irish.

Irish.

Put it in me stinker.

Hey, put it in me stinker, would ya?

Scottish.

I want mom fucking in your ass.

How can you rub my clip?

Okay.

American Southern Leanne, there you are.

You're number eight.

Ooh, that's

Portuguese.

Sexy as hell.

Fuck yeah.

I met some

dudes.

Even thousands.

South African accents are fucking.

It's super sexy.

Best fucking hottest South African chick, the girl from fucking

Diane Word.

Oh.

She is so beautiful.

That accent is sexy.

She is.

Put in Yolandi.

Yolandi Fossar.

Just get her to talk.

Yeah.

Get her talking.

Yeah.

I mean, she talks.

Okay.

It's hot.

Oh, dude.

Her accent is so fucking hot.

I don't know.

Go back to a part where she has a microphone in her hand.

I think he just holds it the whole time.

He does a lot of the talking.

Okay.

Here we go.

There you go.

It's unexpected.

Yeah, it's unexpected.

And I also got Satan weed smoking

English teacher to just warn children about weed that can make you sick.

Yeah, sure.

She's got a hot accent.

Yeah, she's smoking.

What?

You ready?

Yeah.

Top five dude accents.

Number one is going to be American.

That's the number one.

Hottest male accents.

Number one's American, I guarantee you.

Why?

Listen to us.

We speak flawless.

We don't sound silly.

We sound normal.

We sound hottest male accents.

Hang on, wait.

It's the same exact list.

Wait, American Southern is is attractive as opposed to just American regular?

I have zero accent.

You?

I have zero accent.

I have zero.

You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong.

No.

I have no accent.

You have a neutral accent.

I'm a neutral accent.

Do I sound like I'm from Boston?

No.

Do I sound like I'm from Philly?

No.

Do I sound like I'm from Georgia?

No, but you have a hint of something.

I got a hint of just American, just good, perfect American.

Good, perfect American.

This is, if you said, give me a bland, give me a baseline American accent, it's what I sound like.

You think so?

So do you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

So everyone, all the dudes in this thing.

But you get, if you talk to Ron White, he has an accent.

Oh, for sure.

Okay.

Joe.

Joe had, I don't know, does Joe have an accent?

He had a stronger one 20 years ago.

It's faded away.

I was with a dude.

This is so wild.

I can't remember his name.

He's got a new series called The Devil May May Cry on.

Type It In.

He went to WWE with me.

Devil May Cry.

This was wild.

I think his name is.

I think his name is

Aid Edie Edie.

The creator.

The guy who created it.

No fucking shit.

Fuck.

It looks like they're not.

No, no, no, no, no.

He's the guy that directed that Netflix series.

I apologize.

I'm so sorry I can't.

Director.

Director.

Okay.

Director.

Okay.

That's it.

Okay.

Idi Shankar.

Okay.

I had, I apologize.

I'm going to overshare a little bit.

Adi.

That's a crazy eyeliner he's got on.

Well, he's into like anime, some gosh shit.

And like, he's like, he's, first of all, he's wildly talented.

Yeah.

Devil May Cry is pretty fucking awesome.

And I'm not even in anime.

I'm seven episodes in.

Okay.

And, but this is what's so insane.

And once again, I apologize.

I'm not meaning, just trying to tell the story right.

Okay.

Okay.

So he's talking to us.

He's like, yeah, it's so nice to meet you, man.

It's really, he's like, it was so fun sitting next to you.

I never drank.

I drank with you guys.

I had such a good time.

And then we're talking.

And I said, you know, you fucking, where are you from?

And he's like, I'm born in India, grew up in Singapore.

I came here, you know, like five years ago or seven years or so or something.

And I was like, really?

You have no accent.

And he goes, oh, this isn't my real accent.

I said, what?

And he goes, I do this just to blend in.

It's easier.

And I said, really?

He goes, and then he does, this is how I talk.

know, that?

No, not, but I'm not good at accents, but like a full-blown Indian accent.

Yeah.

He goes, this is how I think.

And in an Indian accent, this is how I think.

This is how I talk.

But, you know, it's just easier to assimilate just to talk like this to you.

Yeah.

Talk like this.

And I was like, Yeah, that's fucking wild.

Well, so many people from around the world can do the American accent because they have so much exposure to it around the clock for like their entire lives.

So it'd be like if we put on, if we put on TV and there was like

always

an Indian show on, like always, from the time you were born and you flip the channel and it's like 10 other and there's fucking 20 movies that you would and it was all you would just be like be able to switch it on so fast.

Yeah.

But that's why they can do the American accent so well is because they consume so much American entertainment.

Dude, that guy was fucking fascinating.

He was talking.

I guess maybe you're not supposed to share everything people talk to you about when you're drunk.

Yeah.

So maybe I shouldn't share everything, but he was talking about, he was talking about arranged marriages.

Pretty crazy.

Bro, they bring you smoke shows.

Sometimes.

They bring you smoke shows.

Yeah.

And by the way, his wife is beautiful.

He married his wife.

He was like, I'm not getting an arranged marriage.

Fell in love with his wife, married his wife.

We had drinks with him.

This was after WWE.

We all went to the bar at the Four Seasons and had drinks.

And he showed me a picture of one of his arranged marriages.

And I was like,

And like, and they're arranged marriages, like, they're doing it with the millionaires.

Didn't you ever watch that Netflix show about arranged Indian marriages?

No.

It's so fucking good.

Dude, I would like to be a

ranged marriager.

This show is great.

It's really good.

And you meet people that are Indian matchmaking.

Yeah.

What is this?

It's on Netflix.

It's so good.

Really?

And she's the matchmaker.

And you have like

people that are just like, she's pairing them together.

So you're watching them.

And then they switch to a couple that's been together 40 years.

And they're like, yeah, we.

It works.

It works a lot of times.

What do you think if they had arranged a marriage between you and Push, didn't know her,

they just walked you into a room, sat you on a bed, put a lay on your neck, put a lay on her neck, and sat you next to each other.

And this is your wife.

Yeah.

First impressions,

what would you have said?

I would have liked it.

Yeah.

Yeah, I liked her.

What do you think Push would have said?

I don't know about this fucking guy.

Which is exactly what happened.

Pretty much.

Same here.

I was like, I really like her.

And she was like,

Leanne would walk in and walked right out.

She was like, nah.

Yeah.

Nah.

No, Christina would have been like, forever, this fucking guy?

Forever?

Yeah.

And I'd be like, cool, cool.

Yeah.

Is she coming to the gay bar tonight?

No.

Why not?

I don't know.

With the boys.

Should I bring the boys together?

Yeah, can't they watch themselves?

They would love a Garrett, a bear bar.

Can they watch themselves yet?

No.

How old are they?

Six and nine.

Oh, at nine, I was walking to the store by myself.

Yeah, I don't think you know these guys that well.

You don't want them alone.

Yeah, it's gonna be so fucking fun, man.

It's gonna be a blast.

I wonder if we'll see like some wild, like, just where you turn your head and you're like, oh, that guy's blowing that guy over there.

Like, like, oh, I hope so.

Yeah.

I hope, I hope, if we just get the word out,

if they could just, you know, how like,

you know, like when you go bungee jumping, the guys fuck with you a little bit.

And they're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone in like a month.

And you're like, what?

Yeah.

And they kind of like turn it on a little bit.

Yeah.

I hope they do that to us a little bit.

They're like, nah, we're a fall.

If you guys weren't here, we'd all be fucking and sucking.

Yeah.

Cool.

Let's see.

Hey, did you guys chat with the glory hole back there?

No.

I'd be like, are you serious?

Glory hole I could deal with.

Would you do a glory hole?

No.

Milking table, yes.

Glory hole, no.

Wait, what's the why?

Milking table, I think, is.

Because you're so relaxed.

I think, well, the idea of standing and getting a blowjob kind of drives me nuts.

Like my knees would be shaking, and maybe the hole's not high enough, and I got to squat the whole time.

You're so pressed up against it.

Yeah, and you're like this.

But a milking table, you just lay on.

You get to pick your your angle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why would you pick guy milking table?

Why put girl?

There you go.

I could definitely do that.

He's got a piece on him.

I could definitely, definitely, definitely do that.

I think that'd be awesome.

Yeah, I would want.

I would trick you though, right?

No.

She'd walk you into the room.

She'd be like, lay here.

And then she'd be like, no, I'm going to go down there and take care of business.

And then like some guy named Fred would just walk in and suck you off.

And then at that very end, you'd be like, wait a minute, who did it?

And then Fred would go, as you're getting a blowjob, she comes up and she goes, you want me to rub your back?

Wait, where the fuck?

Who's down there?

Yeah.

Would it matter?

I mean, you still come.

So I don't know.

All right.

What if I told you?

Yeah.

We've got a milking table.

I would love to try a milking table.

It's probably a girl.

It's probably a girl.

But it's the best blowjob you're going to have in your life.

Would you like to try it?

And so you try it, and it's the greatest blowjob.

See, that looks awesome.

That looks fucking great.

Look at him.

He's on his phone.

Yeah.

He's playing a game.

I don't think, see, I don't think Leanne would be into a milking table.

What's this one right here?

Drink

up,

down,

left, there.

Oh, yeah.

She's about to

shoot it all over herself.

That's crazy.

I felt like.

I like that she prioritized her comfort too.

She's got like an ergonomic chair down there.

She's not like, I'm just going to like lay under this.

She's like, prop me up oh i bet that blowjob is so hard to give yeah

it's like drinking a milkshake upside down and then and your head keeps hitting the bottom of the table yeah i bet a glory hole is better for a glory hole works easier for the person on the receiving side of the milk

she would do a milking table or no lean yeah

no i i think that she would lean's got this weird thing about like uh it being even

like i don't think like there's no lean has no taste for dominance or or like subservience like I don't I'm being dead serious I'm being dead serious I would be curious if she would answer this if she's hearing this Leanne is not the kind of chick that will give you a blowjob on her knees like that's like no the fuck what am I your servant?

No fucking it's not enjoyable for me.

What are you gonna be stand dominantly over?

That's like Leanne's energy.

Yeah, so she doesn't she's and I mean quite honestly she kind of wears the pants in our family So like I don't think a milking table she wouldn't be like yeah, why don't I get the bottom of the table and suck your cock while you rest in in a fucking massage chair?

It just doesn't seem like Leanne.

Yeah, now you say like that.

I don't have Christina respond either.

I don't think she should.

I'll just buy one and just put it in the like.

I bought her, I bought her.

Leanne, if you don't like me saying this, I can take this out.

So we got it, we got our sex has been pretty fucking insane lately.

That's great, man.

And one of the things, I had this dream.

I had this dream one night that Leanne was in a nurse's outfit.

Yeah.

And it was a white latex nurse's outfit.

And she came up to me and she goes, hey, I just need to take a sample real quick.

And she put her hand in my pants.

And it was like the hottest dream I ever woke up.

I woke up like crazy.

So I went and I tried to buy a nurse's outfit.

And I, and I got kind of one, but it wasn't what I was looking for.

But I got it.

It's like more like a Halloween costume.

Yeah.

It was like a sexy one.

And one night, I think we're both little buzzed.

And she was like, and I was like, hey, I put it out on the bed, just laid it on the bed.

And Leanne's like, ah, fuck it.

I'll try it.

And bro,

it was crazy.

It was like, maybe

I'm saying, I sometimes will tell Leanne, just so you know, that's going in my memory bank.

That moment, I've got like three things that are in my memory bank, five things.

That's one of them.

So then I go, yo, I need to get a latex nurse's outfit.

So I type in latex, and this thing comes up.

And it's like, fucking

hot.

It's hot.

I mean, it's so type in on Amazon a red latex outfit.

A nurse's outfit.

What?

No, it's not a nurse's outfit, but it's, I got it off Amazon.

And I was like, holy shit.

This is so sexy.

I show it it to Leanne and she goes, absolutely not.

It's more like, go down.

It's almost full-bodied.

So it's like,

it's, it's feet,

wrists to ankles.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

You saw, that's it.

That's it.

And Leanne saw it.

She goes, absolutely not.

Why?

It's, dude, it's rubber.

Like, you need to lube yourself up to get into it.

And she was like, this might be a little bit much for me.

Oh, okay.

So that's, but that's Leanne's energy.

Like, she was.

It's $38.

That might have gotten the more expensive one because I bought two and they were, I think they were custom-made.

Yeah.

And so they just sit in our, but the best is Isla comes home.

She was like, yo, mom, what's up with the nurse's costume?

Leanne's like, you shouldn't be going through drawers.

I goes,

wait, wait, wait.

Before we go, before we go, I want to talk about MSG.

MSG was the absolute best.

You said something to me a long time ago that i have kept in my head i i mean i don't i'd like to do msg it's not it's not one of my it's not my bucket list thing yeah i think i've done my bucket list things like the gorge red rocks those are my speed i like the outdoor stuff but you said something one time because i remember we were we were talking to a friend and he asked us to do msg with him and you said to the friend this should be your play You should do MSG by yourself.

And you said to me, I would like to do MSG by myself.

I don't, I like, like, no offense.

I just, if I do MSG, I want it to be my night.

Yeah.

And I fucking registered so heavily that as I was looking at the videos,

I would looked at the videos.

I was like, dude, this is a big night for him.

Yeah, it was big.

It was awesome.

Is it

out of all the shows you've done, you've done big venues?

Yeah.

Is MSG, does it feel different than say the United Center or the Forum?

I think so.

Well, here's the thing, because I was trying to figure out why.

I was like,

I go, man, that was, it was really crazy.

And, you know, when you go, I've always felt like this.

I don't know if you have, but when you do New York and LA,

even if you have a big venue and it's packed, sometimes you're like, yeah, the crowd was kind of like, they were good, but they're, you don't feel like, man, that crowd was great.

Almost because you go, well, they know they're the primary market of the world.

So there's almost like an air of like, yeah.

Like we're here.

Fucking, you better be great.

Right?

Like, we got a lot of options here, man.

Like, that's kind of like how I feel in LA and New York sometimes.

I've had great shows in both cities, but that's, you walk out sometimes, you're like, that was like fine.

Like, that's how I felt when I did the forum.

Yeah.

The forum to me felt like they were like, they were good, but they were also kind of like, okay.

So I was like, you know, I know this is sold out.

It's packed and I have a crazy lineup, but I was like, I wonder how they're going to be, like, how they're going to be as an audience.

That was really the only thing in my mind.

They were like, Christina pointed it out to me.

I was like, dude, they were.

Was she there?

She went there.

Yeah.

Boys come?

No, just, she just flew up for it.

But she goes, I go, what?

I go, they were so, they were doing, they weren't just like energetic.

It was like after every bit, they would cheer.

Yeah.

You know, I was like, I feel like it was like a special taping.

And she goes, I think they know it's a big deal that you're at MSG.

So they're telling you, like,

like, we are.

We're responding in a way that's like special

because

we know it's special that you're at this venue.

Yeah, I mean, Redman was a surprise, and he just not for you.

No, no, I'm saying for them, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was like, I was like, you didn't know, no, no, no, I knew, um, but like when he walked out, like, so I introduced him, like, I got a special surprise, and he came out to time for some action and then did like a mix-mash set.

I mean, it was fucking nuts, and then all my the comics were surprised, nobody knew.

So, like, I bring up Chris DeStefano, Chris.

I gotta say this, Chris DeSefano is doing Madison Square Garden September 11th this year.

He has the best September 11th story I've ever heard.

Yeah, the best one ever.

So keep going.

So, no, so he had an incredible set.

Then he brings up Diaz,

which is just insane.

I mean, it's insane.

He's wearing sweatpants and he's got a band-aid on his ear.

We're like, like you're walking to the gate at an airport and he's, he just, and we're like, what do you like?

Chris asked me, he's like, oh, you have like a set list?

He's like, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Like five minutes before.

He just wings it uh

and then yeah i came out and it was like it felt like you know when you special when you type a special you type one that it's like they're amped up more than normal that's what the whole set felt like so it was yeah it was really really fun that's so fucking awesome yeah it was very very fun and now how much more touring are you doing so i tour through the spring i have the whole you just added fall dates right but i have the summer off completely off oh i'm not i'm taking the summer off i'm going back i go when do you start i start back up august 28th August 28th.

So I only have one gig in June.

Like, that's like just happens to be there.

But I have basically June off, July off.

Nowhere near each other on these tour dates.

I start September 18th as well.

And then I go into December and then I'm done.

By the way, if you want to see Tom, do stand up live.

This is your last opportunity.

I'm being dead serious.

And you know that I'm kind of accurate.

You will not tour easily for another two years after this.

Easily.

And

I will be shocked if you tour it all ever again.

Ever again?

Me?

I'm going to be out there for a while.

I love doing stand-up, though.

I know, but you'll do it in home and you're not going to tour.

I can already tell.

Permission to Party War tour starts for me September 18th, I think, as well.

Okay.

Permission to what?

Permission to party.

Oh, permission to party.

Permission to party.

I'm at Hard Rock.

I'm at Red Rocks October 1st, I think, or October 4th.

But yeah, I'm excited.

I'm excited to get back on the road.

I just started doing stand-up again, and it feels fucking great.

I said to myself, I literally excited.

We had this talk about ourselves doing stand-up.

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know.

I just was like, I don't know.

Am I going to just keep doing this?

And

I got one more special.

You know what?

I'll do this stand-up.

We talked about this the other week.

And I said, I'm going to do this hour, do this tour.

I'm going to record that special, and then I may be done.

I actually said that.

And then I went on stage in Vegas and I went, oh fuck, I forgot how much I love this.

Yeah.

This is this is everything I am.

I actually said, I actually started going through like what I could get rid of.

It's curious.

I'm curious to hear your answers.

And I wonder if I said this to you.

What I could get rid of.

Okay.

Yeah.

First, first thing I get rid of is acting.

Yeah.

I would, if you said, you, you got to pick,

we're emptying the boat.

I get rid of acting first.

Yeah.

Then bird cast.

Then

something's burning, then two bears,

then stand-up.

That's my

list.

Yeah.

What would you be?

Would you get rid of stand-up or your mom's house?

Fuck, man.

I don't want to get rid of either one.

No, no, no.

You got to empty the boat.

What's the most important to you?

Because I started thinking, you know, I feel like I'm, especially when in promoting the special, lucky that's streaming right now on Netflix.

In promoting the special, I felt very overexposed.

I felt like I was everywhere and I was bothering me.

Yeah.

Because I don't want to be doing all it, but you have to do it.

Because

some guy might see all of them, but there's a guy who just watches one thing.

He watches his Good Morning Mythical Kitchen.

He doesn't.

And so I felt overexposed.

And I was like, I was like, man, if I just, what if I just got rid of some stuff?

You can get rid of some stuff.

And I just go, what if I just did stand up?

Like Louie.

I just did stand up.

You know, that's a big conversation happening in New York right now.

Is

a lot of comics that we respect, like Colin Quinn and Louie and the older guys, they're all like, like, You guys should all get rid of your podcasts.

They're like, You're not journalists, you shouldn't be talking about politics, yeah, you shouldn't be talking about world events.

And these funny thoughts you have, you should be writing them down and you should be trying them on stage, and you'd be a better comic.

I mean, I don't disagree with them.

Yeah, I mean, luckily, I don't say that much funny stuff on podcasts, so I'm not burning too much.

Well,

hopefully, we don't have to empty the boat.

What is this?

Two bears, one cave hat.

Yeah,

I can get you one.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You like it?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah.

You like hats?

I like hats.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Let's wrap it up.

We got shit to do, man.

Bad Thoughts, April 15th.

May 13th.

Permission to Party World Tour, September 18th.

Tom Segura, if you want to see him live

before he retires.

We're on Rockford at the same fucking day.

Oh, that's my schedule.

I'm in Rockford September 18th.

Yeah, yeah.

Milwaukee, St.

Paul, Minnesota, Duluth, Eugene, Oregon.

I'm doing Eugene, Oregon.

That's cool.

And Red Rocks.

October 3rd.

October 1st.

Yeah.

Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls, Nampa, Idaho.

Oh, how's your new stuff?

You have to have a new thing, right?

New hour?

Yeah.

It's awesome.

Is it?

Awesome.

I did two hours the other night.

Jesus.

I did two hours and I have the best joke.

I have, see, this is the thing that sucks about me on podcasts is like, cause I was talking to DeStefano and he's like, yeah, you can tell a joke on a podcast and then use it in your special.

I go, I can't.

If I did one, one time with you, one time with you, I said, I took a shit next to a dude in Japan that was so bad.

The guy in the stall next to me threw up.

And you laughed.

And then I said, and I was in Japan.

I thought he was trying to talk to me.

And you laughed even harder.

And I tried it the next week on stage.

And I watched a dude in this audience go,

and I went, fuck.

So that's why I save all my good thoughts for the stage.

So if you think I suck, it's because I try to keep my good thoughts.

There are people who go, Oh, you've taught, I've gotten messed.

You talked about that stuff in the podcast.

I'm like, Yeah, now it's a stand-up bitch.

Yeah, it's not the same.

I try to keep anything stand-up out of the podcast.

That's smart.

All right, we got to run.

I love you.

Love you.

Bye.

Bye.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.