Kill Tony Hits Netflix & Kyle Dunnigan’s Most Hated Impression | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix.

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Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave.

Today's topic's the situation in Ukraine.

The market continues to go down and there's no better person to discuss real world issues with than my regular co-host, Fat Bert Kreischer, but he

is at Fat Camp.

And so, as he continues to

try to lose 150 pounds, we have an incredible fill-in.

This guy, you've seen him on CNN, you've seen him on Fox News, you've seen him on PBS, you've seen him on 60 Minutes.

It's Kyle Dunnegan, everybody.

Yeah,

thanks to my credits.

I'm not even 150 pounds, so he would lose more than I am.

How much do you weigh?

I'm really light.

I haven't weighed myself in a couple months, but like I'm about buck 40.

Dude.

Yeah.

What's that like?

It's good for jumping.

I bet you can run like the wind, right?

I can run pretty fast.

Girls can pick me up.

That's kind of hot.

I like.

Yeah.

Do you ever hook up with like a chick who's like significantly?

Yeah.

Like a six-footer who's like.

Yeah, I did.

How was that?

It's a little weird, but.

Do you kind of like it, though?

I have to like change, you know, my kink has to be like baby.

Like, I'm a baby.

Yeah, you know, that's what's wrong with that.

Nothing, and then, yeah, you get like a diaper and that kind of thing.

But

yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like,

it feels like a different species when a woman's like

that much bigger than me.

Well, sometimes like, I remember I did a show one time, and after the show, there was a woman in the lobby, and she was 6'4.

And somebody was like, oh, yeah, she plays for Team USA Volleyball.

Yeah, and I looked at her like she was a sculpture in a museum.

Like, I went up there and I was like,

Like, just admired her.

I was like, Jesus Christ.

She was also super feminine, like, she wasn't right.

Yeah, you can be like, That's beautiful, but you don't sexualize them because it's just like a different species, different species.

Yeah, women love tall, too.

They like men to be tall more than ever.

It's, I know, it's like sometimes it's people's

like their bio.

Don't talk to me if you're not, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I'm on dating apps.

It's like under 5'10.

Don't bother.

Don't bother.

Don't bother.

Ouch.

Which is crazy.

I think, because it's always been a thing where I go, yeah, most men, like we go, well, I dated a girl that was five feet tall.

Yeah.

And I dated a girl that was six feet tall.

And what you'll find is you'll, you'll just like somebody for who they are.

You're going to vibe with, you don't go into it being like, she's only five feet.

No.

Yeah, I...

I tell them, I say, eventually I get hot after a while.

Yeah.

And then they just don't believe me.

Are you you dating now?

I go on dates, and it's it's uh not been good.

Why?

Well,

I it might be me, like I'm definitely the common denominator, yeah, but I don't think I'm weird.

I think I'm doing a good job on the dates, okay?

But there's a lot of well, you got to pay for the thing, which is fine, you know.

Um, because women like pay for their you know, hair and stuff, right?

And that's expensive, and I'm like, I'm that's cool, yeah.

But then sometimes this one girl came and you know, just like like ragged armpit hair.

And it's like, if we're doing the, I'm a man, you're a woman, you got to do the woman thing.

If we're doing, you know what I mean?

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that, and then I don't know.

I find,

I think it's like really hard for people to go on dates.

It's just a lot of pressure.

And then you get the guy has to, you have to plan the date.

Yeah.

That's another thing, which I don't do stuff.

Like, I don't.

So I'm presenting like, this is who I am not right right away for a month i'm like oh you want to go wine tasting

no it's not me i don't do that but so isn't it better like because that's what we all everybody who's been on a date knows what you're talking about which is you're presenting who you think you'll like and then after a month you gotta go he's dead yeah yeah you'll never see him again that guy doesn't even i don't drink wine no the fuck is wrong with you i know i do have to i do like to drink on a first date but i don't really drink much but just to loosen it up.

Yeah, but that also feels like a stand.

It's better than coffee.

Oh, yeah.

Don't take someone for coffee.

Everyone's got to shit.

Everyone has to start shitting.

Yeah.

The worst date is a movie date because you don't know them.

Yeah.

And you walk in, and for two hours, you're together and you don't know each other.

And you walk out and hours have gone by and you're still strangers.

And something in your brain goes like,

no.

Movie date's a bad idea.

I've been with this person too long.

I saw the Amy Winehouse movie with this girl that I really liked.

Date one?

It was our second date.

Okay.

And it was just such a bummer.

We both walked out depressed.

It was like, it was bad.

I hate that.

Hey.

That doesn't end well, that Amy Winehouse story.

I just saw this guy.

He was on our show once, and I was like, what do you like to do on a date?

He's like, oh, you know, a girl comes over.

And,

you know, we just like watch a movie, just chill.

I was like, yeah, it's pretty cool.

I go, do you have like a favorite movie?

And he goes, Yeah.

And he named, he goes, I like like it was some Sandler movie, like one of the Jack and Jill, one of like the Happy Madison movies.

And he goes, Or he goes, My other one, my other go-to is Dallas Buyers Club.

And I was like, The AIDS movie?

And he was like, Yeah, it's a great movie.

I was like, That's your first state movie?

He was like, Sometimes that's insane, dude.

So crazy.

Does he have him just come over right away for a come over and

he's not 100% okay?

Okay, yeah, I don't know.

I um

yeah, I do the thing, I ask questions and I do the thing.

I talked about them.

This one girl goes, Um, I let her pick a restaurant, pick the most expensive restaurant

in Los Angeles.

That's amazing.

That was crazy.

Okay, and then she's talking about herself, didn't ask me any hour and a half goes by, and it became interesting.

Like, she never doesn't know anything about me, yeah.

And then she goes, I love Portland, blah, blah.

And I was just in Portland.

I go, I was just in Portland.

and she just went right over it yeah awkward pause but that's awkward to not go oh how well yeah how was my favorite city

yeah

yeah it was weird that's but that's such a I mean it sucks that you had to spend the money to figure it out but it's such a good way to be like yeah I'll never yeah see this person

also

pretty like I'm down you know I think you're the man you pay for the first date but for the person to go let me pick the most expensive place as a first date is is rude.

It's pretty, it's kind of, yeah.

It's bold.

Very.

What about this thing when you hook up, you know, and then like a bunch of months go by and they go, hey,

let's go check out whatever, a movie, you know?

And you haven't seen her since you hooked up?

Yeah.

And then like you go and you pay for the movie and then after she's like, hey, let's get dinner.

And then you pay for dinner.

And then she's like, bye.

You've had that?

Yeah.

That seems like, huh?

That's like if we're friends.

Yeah.

That's like, you know.

Friends, then you should go half.

Half.

Yeah.

I don't know.

And you had hooked up months before.

Yeah.

You know who you are.

You know who you are.

Just, you know.

Yeah.

Fucking Venmo him.

I would love that.

That'd be awesome if right after this comes out, you just goes, ding.

That might happen.

That'd be awesome.

Well, that's a shitty thing to do.

It's a shitty thing to do.

You guys are.

Unless you're feeling sick or something.

I guess.

Let me tell everybody, because right now, as of this moment,

Kill or Be Killed is out now.

It's on Netflix.

It's a special episode of Kill Tony.

We were both at that and participated in

some way.

I participated in sitting there.

And like, they were just like...

Yeah, they were like, just don't, I don't know, just react.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watch the show.

I was like, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we just sit on stage and then it was, and you'll see if you go check this out, it was so funny.

It was one of the funniest fucking like nights, fever dream of a show.

It was so crazy.

Again, you can see it.

It's on Netflix, and obviously, Kill Tony comes out every Monday.

It's always a fun ride of craziness, but I feel like it was also, because this is a special event where it's like the first time it's going on Netflix, it was in overdrive.

It was.

Yeah.

Of like, especially with characters, right?

Because, like, the show has,

you know, they're kind of their regulars that do their time, and then these bucket pools where like random open micers basically are kind of getting to try.

And it was a full range.

You get the full range of like, hey, that was impressive.

Oh, my God, that was terrible.

And some funny things in between.

But like,

Shane was Trump.

Adam Ray did Biden and Dr.

Phil.

And you did

Elon Musk and RFK Jr.

And dude, it was some of the funniest shit I've ever seen.

I started the show in the balcony.

I was just watching from the balcony.

And I was told that you were doing Elon, I was like, oh, I wonder what this will be like.

And it was so fucking funny to watch you do these like these quirks and mannerisms.

Yeah, it's a shoulder roll.

The shoulder roll,

his accent and

the stammering.

So, so, so, so, yeah.

And his laugh is like, I almost pass out.

It's so much air to do his laugh.

He's like,

it's like a major.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, that whole night was.

And the best,

what added so much to it was like, A, I was like, I don't think I've seen, I don't know that I've seen someone do.

an Elon.

Yeah.

And you had like the hat and like, you know, had an outfit.

I think you were wearing it.

It was crazy.

It was crate.

You had a crate.

Yeah, he looks crazy.

But also the fact that you were sitting next to Rogan.

Yeah.

And you were like, this is my good friend.

Good friend.

We're like, best friend.

Yeah, I had gotten because I look nothing.

He was so uncomfortable.

It looked like he didn't know what to do.

I know.

I felt bad, but it was so funny.

I look nothing like Elon Musk.

I look the opposite.

Like, I have a long neck.

He has no neck.

I have a peanut face.

He has a watermelon.

Yeah.

And so I had to get a prosthetic just to look but it came out crazy i looked um yeah i mean that with the hat is that was you that that was you were there wearing the hat and everything yeah but the the no i know the face

fat bastard from awesome powers yeah it was like it was insane but um

yeah i don't i don't know how it turned i thank you for saying it was good i was i was just like out of my mind oh my god what was going on

i think so many people too were like

they didn't know

like

you were nailing it and they were just like I think a lot of people were like I don't even know how like what an Elon Musk impression is you know like they were just trying to like figure it out but it was I was absolutely dying I'm so glad you were like that oh my gosh so fun do you feel like too because I remember I asked one time

so another comedian who's like really good at at doing impressions of people yeah I was like how do you know he's like you honestly just try and you either are like I have it or I or like I can't do this one.

Yes, you kind of lean into it if you can, and if you can't, you're like, I can't do that one.

Yeah, there's some I just can't do, and some come easy, and some are a little bit of work, but um, it was just the level of um

like when you go, you're sent live, you know, it's like it's nerve-wracking, I'm sure.

And you go out there, and it's live.

This is like doing that, but we have no script and go out there, right?

I mean, it's like,

and there's so much going on.

You want to interrupt, but you're not, you want to, you know, do a thing, And

yeah, it's a really,

it's very good, a good workout.

Yeah.

I mean, I'd like, you know, if you did it like more, it'd, you know, you get better and better at it.

But it's.

Oh my God, if you were doing this like

weekly, a couple days a week, like putting on a, like, it would, you would just like get into such a crazy zone.

Yeah, because you can't, you can't practice that.

It's like, I sit on my couch, as we talked about, for months, you know, basically alone.

And then it's like, go out and do that.

And then like, I'll be, I'm alone a lot.

Dude, I'm alone so much.

I'm not kidding.

I'm in my dreams.

I'm alone.

In your dreams?

Yeah, like my brain doesn't know, for what company is.

And it's like, we're in a field.

Do you prefer it?

Kind of, yeah.

Yeah.

What's your favorite?

What's your, what's the best dating app for you?

I can't, I mean, I, I've hinge, I think, might be the best.

It's connected to friends or something.

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But I do rye every now and then because it's just such a disaster.

That's the primo place, though, right?

That's the top shelf stuff.

Look, I'm not doing well on these apps.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm there to pay for dinners.

So we got to get you off the apps and into...

Well, you're alone.

so we gotta yeah we gotta get you into social circles i've i've actually it's funny you say this because i i did uh tell myself that and so i've signed up for a bunch of like too many classes like i have a pickleball league and then i'm at really yeah i'm gonna do jiu-jitsu which i shouldn't do jiu-jitsu that's like a neck type thing no do it do it i'm like 30 neck and that's like a whole thing i was like neckles

strangling people it kind of and then i got yeah i went to a get into one that has chicks in it no i did a like super beginner yeah Although that's probably a creepy thing.

But then like softball, I like.

You know, it's going to have girls in it.

That's a fun one.

I like that.

Like softball.

But yeah, so I'm pushing myself out there.

I'm doing the things.

Why don't you go to massage school or something?

Ooh.

That seems like a.

And then just what?

We rub women.

Yeah.

And then just be like, oh, I'm interested in like anatomy.

Like, you just have a good cover story.

All right.

You know, I'll try that.

And be like, oops, did I come?

Yeah.

Just be fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't,

I don't go to massage parlors because,

you know, they, I don't want, nothing is hand jobs.

Right.

Like, I don't want that humiliation in my life.

Which humiliation?

Just like when they're like, you want, you want a happy ending or whatever.

You can just go get a regular massage.

No, I know, but sometimes you don't know.

Like, I, oh, if I, and I rarely go, when I go to get a massage, I just try to look like I don't want a hand job.

What does that look like?

I'll tell you.

Tell me.

Don't wear a baseball hat.

Because that

cover identity.

Just like, yeah.

And then be like jolly.

Yeah.

Like, hey, massage.

Yeah.

I'm Kyle.

Yeah, like that.

And then they're like, this guy's a little too.

He doesn't want a hat.

Yeah.

You police?

Huh?

Police?

Yeah.

Yes.

Oh, that's a good another way to do it.

Hello, I'm Officer Kyle.

I'm here for my appointment.

My regular massage.

Yeah, so I'm getting social, doing some stuff, making an effort.

But yeah, dating, just when you go, here's a date, it's just, it's a lot of pressure, too.

When's the last time you had like a long-term

relationship?

So long ago.

For real?

Yeah.

Like seven years.

This is my girlfriend.

It was like seven years ago.

Yeah.

We got to get you a girlfriend.

I've dated some.

I did this girl.

She was so weird.

Tell me she was so weird.

What was weird about her?

And

she's a writer.

And she's like a pretty successful writer.

Rogue?

I don't know what that is.

Nicotine?

No, thank you.

I'm not sure how I'll behave on that.

Okay.

So she would.

This doesn't go out to like.

No one, no one sees this.

Okay.

So

she

in bed, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, this is...

First of all, she was like contrarian, okay?

So everything you say, like, you go, oh, it's raining out.

She'll go, no, it's not, not, it's drizzling.

Oh, like, oh, okay.

Yeah, sure.

I know.

Like, but I'm, maybe it'll progress into rain.

Right.

Got it.

Right.

But my bar is very low, and I'm like, I can handle like all these things.

Yeah.

But then, like, in the bedroom, like, she would talk about herself.

And

she would, she was verbal, you know, she was a writer.

And everything was like verbal.

And she's like, I'm.

in a bar and like guys are watch she wanted me to tell her like guys are watching and stuff like that and then she would tell me about

um like a blowjob she would tell me about it she's like i'm on my knees i'm in front of you i put you in my mouth like she's not doing it but we're she's right i'm like it's right there

isn't that crazy wait a minute this was like her this is like a kink like a turn on for her to lay to i'm are you laying next to each other in bed We're fully

naked making out.

Yeah.

And then she's just whispering to you like, I'm on my knees and I'm your penis is in my mouth.

And you're like, great, let's see it, let's make it happen.

Yeah, I'm like, it's love the buildup.

Let's let's act on that.

It's almost like, I'm not blowing you.

And then, wait, after that, it would just be like, good night.

It happened once.

And like, we dated her for like, we were never like boyfriend for like three months.

We went on like maybe 10 dates.

Did you ever ask her?

Be like, hey, what the fuck is up with this narration?

You know what?

No, I didn't.

It's insane.

It's insane.

I mean, it's, it's, here's the thing.

I respect it as like

part of

your sex.

Like, if she was, I was like, one of the things she's into is like doing these descriptions.

But where that's fun would be if you were like here and she was there and she told you over the phone.

Right.

You're like, can't wait till I get back.

And you get back and she acts out the thing she described to you.

That's a normal person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then she just never listened to me.

Women don't listen to me.

I got to figure out.

Do you know what I like?

She's like, anyway.

I don't care.

Yeah.

Even like basic stuff, like I can't read.

I never learned how to read.

Wait, is this for real?

No, I can read, but I'm a very slow reader, whatever.

I never got tested.

But like, I took a Spanish class and teacher, like, all your D's and V's are backwards.

You're dyslexic.

Yeah, yeah, something.

But I never got tested, but I read like a third grader.

And that's one thing she knew about me.

And the other thing she knew is like, I don't eat dairy.

So for my birthday, which is nice, she got me gifts.

She got me

a giant book, The Count of Monte Crisco, and a dairy cupcake,

which is sort of like a...

And the card said, I like you, but I like your dog better, or something like that.

The whole thing was like a...

Kind of a fuck you.

I don't know.

Yeah, right?

That's a really weird thing.

Yeah, she was fun in a weird way.

The funny thing about that is that feels like...

This feels like a role reversal that you see.

I would imagine this story coming from a woman going like, this is how little this guy, it's always guys that don't pay attention.

Yeah.

You know, the guy would be like, here's the dairy.

And then the girl goes, I'm fucking, I don't drink dairy.

Right, right.

I was the woman.

Yeah.

And then, but she's oblivious, like not paying attention.

Yeah.

Which is usually not how it goes.

Yeah.

She couldn't give a shit.

She one time

gave me no, like, she couldn't give a shit about.

One time she gave me, I took a picture of her, you know?

Do you remember that I don't eat dairy?

What?

I don't give a shit.

I don't care.

Eat it.

Yeah, stupid.

I don't eat this, though.

I took a picture of her, and those pictures, she never took a picture of me or us or anything.

And she asked me to send me the picture of her.

There's a picture of me and her.

And she asked me, can you send a picture of me where I look cute?

The one I'm alone in.

Yes.

Every time I saw her,

something weird.

She doesn't mean weird.

That is fucking hilarious.

And then was it a natural fizzle out or did you...

It was.

I did the fade because she actually had a tough upbringing I mean she wrote this book that's like a massive hit and I always felt like really

like

11 million copies sold yes oh okay

yeah oh so she really is good at the telling us like yeah she's very smart but she grew up like in a culty kind of thing and had a bad I mean you basically said her name by now no no no no no no one's watching this I know but I mean like the details are all there right I don't think anybody's gonna figure out who grew up like this and sold 11 million copyrights.

Okay, go ahead.

Yeah, the 11 million was probably a bad idea.

I don't think she watches.

I think she just reads.

It's just fine.

She just reads.

That's fine.

Yeah.

We can cut that out.

Yeah, we can if you want to.

I wonder if.

Can we just tell me her name and then we'll cut that out?

Yeah.

Who is it?

Wait, no, really, though?

Yeah, we'll cut it out.

I don't believe you.

No, of course we will.

I don't believe you.

We cut shit out every week, man.

How do we get?

No, confirm.

We'll cut it out.

That voice that I didn't even know who that was.

Oh, the voice that I don't know said it.

Come on.

We will cut it out.

I would not do that to you, dude.

Well, not just tell you after.

That's cool.

Well, just tell me now.

Let's tell you after.

That's cool.

I'm like trying to figure out: would I get in trouble or is that like,

I think it would be good for her to know because she needs to, it'd probably be helpful for her.

Well, then you want to say,

huh?

Do you want to say it?

Nah, nah, nah.

Okay.

Now you have internet sleuths hunting.

I know, it's almost worse.

I know.

Can we cut the whole?

We could cut a lot of it out.

We'll cut the whole.

We'll just go from, you said two bears with Kyle to me drinking a hobby.

It should be one bear and a

don't give out her name.

What's the name of the book she says?

Okay, okay.

That makes sense.

And then everyone would have to figure that out.

There were so many things that she did that.

Sorry, there's so there's every every time I saw her, she did something funny.

Yeah, she was funny to me.

We went bowling in three couples, you know, and she was like, guys versus girls first, you know, and I'm bad at bowling, but we were all bad.

Yeah, I think the highest score was like a 72.

I got like a 59, whatever.

I'm not good.

Yeah.

Kind of proud of that, not being good at bowling.

So

then we go, okay, now let's do couples.

Can I get a water, please?

Thank you.

Go ahead.

Do you want one?

Or you're good?

I have so many drinks.

So after the first round of bowling, we go, okay, now let's do couples versus couples.

You know, we're on a first date, all meet each other.

And she goes, no, he's not very good.

And it wasn't a joke.

Like, she wouldn't.

I want to compete.

Yeah, in bowling, where we're all bad.

And which is supposed to be just a fun, who cares kind of thing.

Who cares?

Thanks, buddy.

It's not only we're playing for money.

But anyway, that made me laugh.

So

how did the second round go?

Did she switch it up?

Oh, I fucking strike, spare, strike.

I can just destroy.

Because then I was like, oh, yeah, you want to see?

I'll show you bowling.

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That's awesome.

When I get in the bowling zone, I can't be stopped.

It's like, it can be very fun.

Yeah.

Did you guys meet on Raya?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

High achievers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I want to meet, I'm going to meet my

next person like in person.

I just don't go up to people.

That's right.

I think that's better, dude.

I feel so creepy and weird about going up to a strange woman.

Yeah.

I've never gone up to somebody in my life and gone, hey.

I think you're pretty attractive sitting over here in your chair and your thing that you're drinking.

I know.

Would you like to talk to me?

Yeah.

Have you ever done that?

I think I have, yeah.

I also, but I wasn't good at it, dude.

I remember one time I was

out and I saw this beautiful woman across the bar.

Yeah.

And I looked at her and then

we made eye contact.

And then I'm with people and then we looked at each other again.

And everyone with me is like, oh, she's looking at you.

And I was just like, yeah, I don't know what to do.

And so I looked again and looked at her and I was just like, damn, you you know, like, really, like, looking at her, right?

Yeah, she's clocking it.

And I still was like, like what we're saying, I'm like, I don't know what to say.

So, she came over, she goes, Hey, I noticed you're fucking looking at me.

Like, do you want to say what's up?

And I was like, Oh, yeah, what's up?

Like, wow, like she totally did.

You end up dating her for a little while.

No,

nope.

Did you blow it or is she just weird?

I think I blew it.

I think she was probably normal.

And I was just too.

I had a woman, a a friend of mine tell me, yeah, look, just look at him.

Don't look creepy, but like, look.

And if she looks back, then like you talked to her, those five years ago, it's never happened.

I fucking, I'm trying to remember, like, the only things that have ever worked for me, because it's been so long, has honestly just been not trying to do something, just normal conversation.

Like, you know what I mean?

Like, hi, like, just literally introducing yourself was like, it sounds sound, but like, it was the the thing that led to the best results was just not trying.

I had a friend who was like one of these guys you see on these like, let me show you how to pick up chicks thing.

And you'd be like, oh my God.

And it would work for him.

But I think that's his personality.

Like, I was with this guy one time at a bar and he sees this girl and I'm like, oh my God.

I stand next to him.

He's like, hey, baby.

And she's like, hey.

She's like, how are you?

He goes, a lot better now that I'm talking.

No.

And I was like, no.

And they left together.

They just left.

I was like, this is insane.

Yeah.

I could never put a sentence together like that.

It would feel really cheesy.

It's super cheesy, but you know, it worked for some dudes.

I don't think I have the chin to pull that off.

But you can do, you can do, hi, this place is weird.

Yeah, but I come over like, hi, I'm Kyle.

You know?

Yeah.

If I come over myself, it's not good.

I don't come off manly.

Like,

you know what I mean?

Like, that guy in the bar.

What's your favorite?

Do you have a type of girl you like?

Besides hot?

Hot.

I like a girl who's, you know, has a sense of humor.

I definitely need that.

Like I said, but if it's too tall, I kind of don't sexualize.

But I'm not like what's your max height?

Six.

I think I can go six one.

No, that's probably too maybe six feet.

Six feet.

How tall are you?

I was five nine.

I don't think I am anymore.

I'm shrinking.

Shrinking?

I'm like 5'8.

5'8.5, maybe.

Dude, there's plenty of women that fit this category for you.

No, but they have to like you back.

What do you talk?

You're a good-looking guy.

You're an entertainer.

You're funny.

Charismatic.

What's the problem?

I appreciate that.

Well,

I don't know.

I think they have a good time to go on dates.

There's like a conversation on laughter.

I just might not be their type looks-wise.

I mean, I think I don't think that's true.

I think I peaked at like a six, and I'm, it's just, it's

look, height is very important now.

It's become way more important for women.

And I think I have a theory that's because it's the only thing we have left that they can't do.

You know what I mean?

Like, we used to kill the buffalo and stuff.

Yeah.

Now we're just like can reach that dish in the cupboard.

Yeah, but you're, don't focus on height.

You're focusing on height too much.

No, listen, when I go out, I'm telling you, like, when I go out,

I do appear, I think, to have like a decent amount of confidence yeah like and i

i do

someone else taught me this it's actually good advice for guys out there dating tell me it's like you touch the person

like like on the arm arm touch put your leg if your legs there and touching her leg This is what Nikki Glazer actually technique taught me.

And they leave their leg there.

That means

it's a signal.

Because some guys are like, go in for a kiss at the end.

But you want to get like little signals.

Watch their body when you touch them.

If they recoil, then like don't.

Of course.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

But they don't teach you that.

No.

In school.

Also, another thing is

so many women, I discovered this, were like,

they just want the guy to make decisions.

Like, a lot of women hate when a guy goes,

want to go out?

Friday and they're like, sure.

And you're like, cool.

Like, where do you want to go?

Or like, what should we do?

Women are attracted a lot of times to like decisive men.

Men who go like,

there's this new show.

I want to go check it out.

There's this restaurant.

I want to try it.

Or I love this place.

We're doing this and this.

For a lot of women, that's a turn.

Oh, like you're making decisions and I just get to go along with what you picked.

Yeah.

So being decisive is a big thing.

I do that.

Yeah, I do that in the beginning.

Although it does feel uncomfortable.

It does feel uncomfortable.

It does, right?

For me to be like, yeah, there's this really great art exhibit.

I want to check out.

Yeah, well,

yeah, yeah.

Well, I see,

I only remember it because it's completely unnatural to me, too.

I was more like, yeah, fine, whatever you want to do.

Yeah.

And they're like, no, no, decide something.

Yeah.

That's, again, like pretending to be someone else when you're not.

And then eventually you got to be like, I don't know.

I don't really want to go do that thing.

But I'm taking a break right now, Tom.

I'm not, I'm on a break from dating apps and stuff right now.

That's good.

You're going to go to jiu-jitsu and strangle some chick, and then she's going to be like, fucking, hey, what's your name?

It's going to be all dudes.

That's not really like the place to.

But I think jiu-jitsu is like a good thing to do for sleep.

I'm having trouble sleeping.

Just tire you out?

Yeah, I got to get tired.

And also, I think the confidence of knowing how to fight that gives you like self-esteem.

Shoulders are back.

Yeah.

Fuck you up.

I can fight.

Because I will tell you, I was with a woman one time.

We were going down the street and this guy was coming at, like,

got her in his sights, like a crazy person.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And like, he's coming at her.

And I had to, to, in my head, calculate, is, I don't really know this person.

Is this worth like getting in a huge fight?

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

And it like happened like that.

And he like went like up like this around her.

And then I felt so bad that this is years ago.

Yeah.

I really didn't like,

I was like, I should have jumped in front of her and been like a man.

Yeah.

But then recently, like a month ago, same situation.

And like a guy walks, I started coming at this girl I was walking on the street with.

And I like got in front of her and like took her away from the situation.

And like, she thought that was really hot.

Of course.

But then I haven't seen her since.

What happened that night?

She described

you.

You did.

She did.

Did she describe a blowjob to you?

Yeah, actually, yeah, that she described a rim job and a blowjob.

You did make out with her, though.

Yeah.

She was all turned on by you being the man.

Yeah, it felt very unnatural.

Fuck.

I don't know.

I feel like we help people out there, like a guy who's dating.

There's some good advice in there.

There's definitely some good advice in there.

Yeah.

Also, I live alone, and

that's...

Once you live alone for so long.

Yeah, you get used to.

I can't imagine.

Your ways.

Yeah, yeah, someone coming into the world.

What's a typical Kyle day?

Oh, Kyle will get up around like 6 a.m.

and go, shit, I only slept three hours.

And Kyle will lay in bed for another three hours.

Okay.

And be like, god damn it.

Why don't I just get up?

You know what I mean?

Sure.

I'm exhausted, but let's just do that.

And then maybe like I'll get like a little bit of work done.

I'll go to a coffee shop and I work there a little bit, editing usually.

And then

talk to a friend.

And then call it a day.

Yeah.

Are you doing spots a lot?

Yeah, I do spots like maybe three days a week in New York.

I'm in New York City.

You are in New York.

I didn't realize that.

I moved.

I got out of L.A.

during

2023, a couple years ago.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, two years ago.

But my house was like sliding down a hill, and I was like, I got to get.

Are you loving New York?

I do like it.

The weather, I really.

Yeah.

I forgot.

I used to live there years ago.

What part of the

Park Slope?

Brooklyn.

Yeah.

Brooklyn.

It's cool.

But yeah, my house in LA, there was this railing.

you know, it was on a hill, and there was this

steep embankment, and there was a railing, and it came out of the cement.

Time to go.

Yeah.

So then every year, I was there for like seven years, it would move like an inch, you know.

Then

there was like two months of rain, it moved eight inches down this thing.

And I, you can't get insurance.

They won't insure your

house because it's on a hill there.

Also, no fire insurance.

You're speaking of editing, your

IG, because the characters are insane, dude.

Thank you.

Now, one thing I wonder, can we pull up his IG?

Look at that.

Look at that handsome guy.

Look at that handsome guy.

That was me and my mother singing.

Oh, that's right.

Because you wouldn't.

That's my mother.

Wouldn't you fuck?

Because I fuck with my mom constantly.

But your mom.

Oh, my God.

Your mom videos are so funny.

Yeah, she's singing in.

My mom's fun.

She's also in my Craig videos.

I do that.

What's going on, you guys?

We got, we did.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't this with your mom where she's like, aren't you doing things where she's like, just fucking stop?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

With my mom, we showed her a screening of my new series.

Uh-huh.

Dude, she was like, you can't put this out.

It was so great.

And she didn't know there was hidden cameras in this screening room.

Oh, that's so funny.

She was like, Tommy, she goes, you have to tell them no.

And I go, what do you mean?

It's coming on Netflix.

She's like, no, no, no.

She's like, give them the money back.

Tell them no.

What What was it?

She was just like,

she goes, you cannot go any lower than you just did.

Like, it's so disgusting.

She's like, this is not who you are.

That's a great promo for your show.

Yeah, they're going to use it to promote it.

But she went on and on.

She was like, you are absolutely.

She goes, does it just make you happy to be disgusting?

And I'm like, sometimes.

She's proud of you, though, right?

Gotta be.

Yeah, she's proud, but she's also disgusted.

Disgusted, yeah.

She's always like,

she'll see some guy tell like a nice joke yeah why can't you do that yeah

um okay

so

some of the characters let's scroll here I want to see Bill Maher

you do an amazing now did I hear does he not like it yeah I don't know why he had he had a problem with me early this is like I had not many followers and I had um just really innocuous like him reading to children it was like oh should you eat eggs that are green like it was a dumb like hacky kind of whatever and then I I found out AJ Benzo was like, he doesn't like your impression.

I showed him and he got mad.

And I was like, really?

Really?

And then he went on Rogan and at a knower, he goes, you're playing some guy.

He was doing a terrible impression of me.

Like it just ragged on me.

Yeah, yeah.

You know?

And it's so spot on.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hear that, Bill?

So then he goes, I don't know who he was.

I went to Hawaii with him in his private jet.

Like, he was just trying to shit on me.

I'm like,

and so after that, then I started making some Bill Maher.

I had him get gangbanged in my next video, but I did before that, I wasn't being mean.

He started it.

Oh, and then I was in

Whole Foods.

Yeah.

And this lady comes up and goes, I just have to tell you, I was a stewardess on Bill Maher's plane.

And I said, Do you have you ever seen Kyle Dunnegan's impression of you?

And he turned away from me and he wouldn't look at me.

And

they told me to go to the back of the plane and

I didn't get a tip.

What?

Like, he hates this impression.

A tip?

You're supposed to tip him?

In a private plane.

You tip the flight attendant?

She said she didn't get a tip.

So I guess they normally get tips.

Okay.

You've never tipped.

I didn't know you had to do that.

I've never flown private.

Let's hit this.

Let's do this.

Okay.

Calm down.

Calm down, people.

I know it's exciting to see a big star on your little circus here.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm a big fan of the the show.

What was your name against one?

I'm Tony.

I'm Tony.

Okay, that's our show.

Next week, when my guests are Benjamin Netanyahu and the Hot Tua girl.

By the way, you didn't do the land acknowledgement.

Don't you, TikTokers, like to do a land acknowledgement before the show?

What does that mean?

Well, he brought up the Indian people.

You don't know about land acknowledgements?

No.

Come on.

Yeah, you do.

Every time you do a show, you're supposed to thank Indians for letting us do a show.

You say this club was situated on the unceded territory of the Chickapaca people or whatever.

And then you

know we're hilarious.

Also, most people, what's interesting to me is

if you have a distinct enough

personality, level of familiarity, celebrity with people, and people are doing impressions of you, it's usually seen as like a flattering thing.

I know, even if you hate it, you have to just say, Yeah, I thought it's great.

Yeah, just so you don't look like you're, it bothers you.

Wow, it's funny that it bothers them, though.

I know

you scroll down here.

Oh, there's RFK in the middle there.

I can't stay too long.

I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill that I have to tend to.

Who's the one with the MS?

Is that my mama?

All right, I want you to do something because I can cure this.

All right, listen.

No, I'm being, I want you to give her this this is dehydrated batcom it's it's got com

that's all you need to do just out of her

i actually like did

um his voice was too low there he's actually a little bit higher yeah like i had him a little bit too low you know what's funny is that i really i guess rfk jr only came into sort of my you know um ecosystem yeah in the last couple years.

And I know that he has a condition, which is why his voice is like that.

But I didn't realize, I saw a video of him 20 years ago, and he's speaking in an I didn't realize it was something

just kind of came, it just came about.

I guess I thought it was like a lifelong, yeah.

I did too.

I guess, yeah, I didn't know he spoke.

Yeah, he um

he's such a funny, I was so glad when he got accepted into being whatever the health guy.

Yeah, he's head of the FDA now, or is he head?

No, he's head of the health, he's the Secretary of Health and Human Service.

What is he?

his yeah it's called like uh spasmodic dysphonia

oh yeah at age 42 weird you know it's funny because that show killed health and human services secretary two hours long so i'm talking like this for two hours yeah and i couldn't stop and i was like i had a thought like am i never gonna

went to bed and i had my voice back but i i was stuck it stayed there yeah you don't want to do that too long yeah it doesn't seem like it's probably good for the voice No, it's not very good.

It'd be crazy if doing your impression you induced spasmodic dysphysio.

Yeah, I mean, I did for a couple hours after I couldn't stop talking like that.

Now, you do, a lot of times on IG, you do the face replacement stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

How do people, how would, like, what is the, how does that work?

I just do a

It's like a snap camera or something.

They actually canceled it and someone, a friend of mine, made a server so it was.

So that you you could keep doing it.

Yeah, but I can't make new ones.

I have to figure out if I'm gonna do because you were doing card.

I remember you did Kardashi.

That's how I started, like, Caitlin Jenner.

I'm like, meow, baby.

That was like my first, like,

meow, baby.

Um, wait, so there's, oh, wait, there's Bill Maher Christmas.

Twas the minute before my hooker gets here, and all through the house.

My banis was stirring, because I just took a dick pill.

Yeah, I got meaning.

So while we wait for my whore and my boner

I would like to take this minute to explain to Zelennials what being an adult is this is so his voice

it's when you take money you worked hard for at a job

to give to a black hooker

he likes black hooker

Inside a house that isn't owned by your parents.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Twerking isn't for giving a man a boner.

It's for teaching women how to do it.

It's exactly him.

I mean, it's...

You sound 100% like him.

Yeah, his voice is the closest to my natural voice.

Yes.

And you do all the, he has these like.

He has like a...

He makes a really loud.

Okay.

And the way he punches, the inflection goes, the way he goes up and down with it.

Okay, PayPal.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm still, I'm so amazed that it bothers him.

I was shocked.

Because, again, it wasn't even mean.

The first ones weren't.

They got a little meaner.

I started bringing up black hookers and gangmen.

I did.

Okay, PayPal.

Well, here's Elon.

Tune in next week.

In 2018, I sold all of my houses.

Which is pretty epic of me.

Now I'm couch surfing with my super cool friends.

And I'm taking you along with me.

This is House Hopping with Elon Musk.

Feeling really good.

My first stop is my good friend, Robert Kennedy Jr.

His dad was killed.

And he eats dogs.

He's like really cool.

Dude.

Hey, Baby, Babe.

What's good?

What are you doing here?

Hey, I was just wondering if I could crash you a place tonight.

Now's not a good time.

I will give you $100 million.

This is what I do with my time.

Come on in.

Come on.

Good place, Robert.

Really cool.

Nice knickknack.

Looks like a penis.

Knickknack, bodywash.

I love the Elon quality of...

It's so peculiar.

To me, he's always been...

It's so fascinating that somebody who is,

you can argue he's objectively the most successful person on earth.

Yeah.

And you go, I guess they're bored of that because now it's just like, I want to be liked

and also be told that I'm funny.

Yeah.

I want to be the, I don't want to just be like, what I have isn't enough.

I want people to tell me I'm a genius.

Tell me I'm cool.

Yeah.

And know that I'm funny and cool.

It's just such a an interesting personality.

It's very human.

I mean, it's like how a lot of comedians want to be rock stars and rock stars want to be comedians.

Everyone wants to be what they're not.

Yeah, because you don't really value it.

It probably comes.

Yeah.

It's really, and he has like an eight-year-old sense of humor, which is funny.

Yeah.

Like his car is fart.

Like he's what his eight-year-old would do.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah.

Makes a fart sound.

My car is flying around Uranus.

But it is a really interesting personality.

And he also, I always am fascinated by someone who has time

for

bullshit, like the pettiness, where you're like, you know,

like if you send whatever, enough tweets about Jeff Bezos or something, like he's never going to respond to you.

You know, Carlos Slim's never going to be like, oh, you're making fun of me.

But it gets on Elon's radar where he knows and like he'll strike back at someone.

I'm like, how are you not too busy?

Yeah, that's, that's what I don't understand is, is he tweets so much.

If that was my only job was to tweet, I would be exhausted.

And then he's got six more multi-billion dollar companies.

Every phone call has got to be an emergency.

Yeah.

When you have that many companies and you're also doing Doge, which he's constantly tweeting about that.

Yeah.

The time management thing is wild.

of what he's got going on.

And I almost don't believe that.

And the other weird thing is the amount of fanboys.

yeah the amount of people who are like i'm a i'm a huge like their bio line is like i'm a elon's uh i'm like this is who you're a super fan of yep just uh

there's super fans and super haters there's just like both he for some reason like really um he's a very polarizing guy yeah really polarized like i've never seen people burning Teslas.

Yeah.

Insane.

I have the little Tesla stock and I have not been happy about it.

I wish you would stop Doge as soon as possible.

That hasn't been good.

Tesla stock's been going down.

Maybe get some more now.

I mean,

I need some money to put, I need money to get in that.

To buy somebody.

A little more leveraged.

Yeah.

Yeah, these are amazing, dude.

Wait, do you do Tim Robbins, too?

No.

That guy, why is that on there?

I did his birthday.

Oh, my God.

I bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life at tony robbins birthday party he was huh he he had like comics perform or he for some reason wanted me to perform at his birthday party which i didn't

i i was a big tony robbins yeah

i read like a couple of books when i was younger and i was like yeah i want to do that

he but but i knew deep down my subconscious did some calculating i knew my gut like wait this is gonna this is bad but i was trying to like hype myself like this will be because he's paying like more money than i I normally get.

Yeah.

I don't want to say exactly how much, but it was like, it's private.

The private events

was like $25,000.

I don't want to say

$25,000.

And his handlers did a Zoom call beforehand.

Like, this is what Tony wants.

You're going to be on big screen and you're going to be Joe Biden.

He's going to introduce you.

He's going to say, we get the president here.

And then you'll come up.

And I was like,

they might think it's actually going to be Joe Biden.

I'm a little worried that they're going to be disappointed.

Yeah.

You know, and they were just like, this is what Tony wants.

There was no, like, there's a cult.

This is what Tony wants.

We're doing, there's no discussion here.

And I was like, okay.

So I went down there and it was just people just jumping up.

And it's like 11 at night.

That guy Sumners was on before me.

Larry Sumners, who like was the reason why I had that 2008 collapse.

I don't know why they keep giving that guy money and power.

He's a total dirty.

He's a good for you.

Yeah.

Real, but he was getting laughs.

And I'm like, oh, this would be good.

They're like, hmm.

So he goes on in an hour and a half.

And he talks like this.

He went for an hour and a half?

Hour and a half.

Now it's like midnight something.

Yeah, this guy.

I don't know why they came together.

And this is at a birthday.

His birthday party?

Yeah, his birthday party.

It was a weekend of his like.

But, you know, VIP people.

Okay.

It was like 300 people in this.

He has this amazing studio.

And then there's just all these screens of people zooming in from all over the world.

Oh, my God.

And it's late now.

And they've been up since five o'clock, like shark hunting.

You know, these retreats that they do, they get them up early and they make them do these insane things to show, like, I can do it.

Yeah, there.

That's, see that?

Yeah, yeah.

So beforehand, he comes up to me, giant, his hand is like a giant catcher's mitt.

And he's like, give him hell, you little piece of shit.

Yeah.

And

I was like, oh, thanks, Tony.

That's a cool, that's a cool headline.

It says, Tony Robbins filmed using N-word.

Like, we click that repeatedly.

Sorry, is there a video of this?

That'd be awesome.

Oh, in the 80s.

I mean, I would love to go to this seminar.

Oh, yeah.

Take control of your emotions.

Be who you are.

You want to say it?

Say it.

He's like this.

Oh, my God.

That's

so.

And it was like.

Poor little.

Oh.

He looks young.

Oh, Roman.

as long as somebody can do that, as long as somebody's called you, you get that kind of response I see in you right now, where you're ready to explode, then what you've done is given that person absolute control of you.

You have no control in your life, you are still a slave.

I said, you are.

Well, you're being enslaved by you and nothing else.

And I said, I'd like to have you be free because I'm free and I'm white.

So why don't you pretend that we're going to get you free right now?

And I suggest, here's the way to do it.

Everyone, stand up.

And I'm like, you'd be above.

I said, stand up.

Come on, try something with me trust me just for a moment pretend I'm both you know

I get them to stand up right now when I was standing up I said now you guys just do what I do just for a minute if you really want to be free and if you want some fun so let's try this I stood up and I said okay follow me do what I say say what I say move the way I move I'm ankle

then I turn and I said okay when I'm done repeat after me I'm a honky you're a honky And I said, I'm a honky.

You're a nigga.

There's one guy who's like the most militants walking up to this other white guy in the audience and going, hey, honky.

How are you doing?

I was like, hey, how are you?

Like, getting each other hugs.

He's doing great.

Yeah.

It's his Netflix special.

That was a good bit.

Sorry.

Yeah.

No, I needed to see that.

That was pretty cool.

We all needed to see that.

But yeah, so then there was like all these dancing people jump on stage after Larry Sumner.

He's like, let's get our energy.

And um there's a big screen in front of me and uh I'm you know like starting to get really nervous because I deep down know you know like this is not the right environment yeah yeah yeah because they're all they're all about positivity and you know and I'm doing this sort of you know stand-up is kind of sarcastic and you're doing it you're just gonna come out your plan is I'm Biden they have a big screen in front of me like 30 feet tall and I'm gonna be project on that I'm behind it in a desk and then I'm gonna introduce Kyle Dungan to round off the show with some stand-up comedy.

Yeah.

And I have a wig, Tom, on the desk here of Caitlin Jenner because he wanted me to sing happy birthday to him as Caitlin Jenner.

So he starts going, Are you guys ready for the surprise of your life?

You know?

And I'm like, no, no, no.

And then he goes, oh, wait.

And then he plays a video of him meeting every president since, you know, Carter.

So it's like, they're primed and they're already like murmuring, no way.

And then he goes, Have I ever disappointed you?

And they're like, no, minefur.

And

he goes, zooming in from the White House.

And the whole place is like, brah.

I mean, they just had Larry Sumner right there.

It's not weird that the president zoomed.

So he goes, the president, you're not

Joe Biden.

Everyone's like,

and then my head comes up with my bad wig, and I pop up on the screen, and the whole audience goes, um,

like all together, yeah, like that.

And I was like, hey, it's Tony Bologna's birthday.

Dead silence.

And I'm in my head, I'm like, this was like my strongest stuff.

Yeah.

It's getting dead silence.

What's the rest gonna be?

So then I was like, no, Kyle Donny.

And I come out and I'm just trying.

I had a plan, but like the first thing to work is, I'm like, let me jump to the piano.

Like I have like a piano song.

I didn't work.

I'm jumping all around.

I don't know where I am in my set.

And then I like said a joke that I knew I shouldn't have said, like right when I started, but I had to do the time because it was that money, you know.

This was the joke that ended everything.

And people started walking out to go to the bathroom and stuff.

I go, I did, I did a girl who was too young.

She was 19 years younger than me.

Don't judge.

I was in college.

That's when you experiment.

And then a woman goes,

That's a child.

Yeah, that's the joke.

Yeah.

Anyway, and then I'd explain that I didn't really do that.

And then afterwards, I was like wrapping up my shit, trying to get out of there.

And I hear him go, Did you have a day you'll never forget?

And everyone's like, Yeah.

And he goes, This is a night I'd like to forget.

Like talking about, have you ever heard Tony Robbins say anything negative?

Did he talk to you after the thing?

No, I never saw him again.

But anyway,

I've bombed

so hard at privates, at private events.

So hard.

Which was the the worst one do you have like a worst one and well

i'll tell you the well i have i'll tell you the most recent one was like two months ago i got really yeah i i was like i got booked for this thing and i i remember i always ask now i'm like do they know

they see my stuff yeah they know that it's me and they know that i'm not because sometimes i i go i i realize that a private event goes oh i know this person's like a capable comedian and then when i book them they'll do stuff that will be right for us.

And I'm like, I'm not doing that.

Yeah.

I'm just going to put on my show.

Yeah.

And they're like, they know, they know, and they're that they specifically asked for you.

And I'm like, okay.

Yeah.

And so it was a convention of jewelers, like a jewelry convention.

Do you have a jewelry trunk?

Dude, right before I went on,

it's in a ballroom.

Yeah.

And they did

options are good.

Yeah.

It was a great environment.

Great environment.

Nice and bright.

Nice and bright.

Like a, I don't know, two-foot stage.

So it's just like a plat, like basically a platform.

They did an auction.

And they were auctioning things to support like a children in need fund.

And so they were like,

they were like, how about a like a three-day trip to Iceland?

And no one was bidding.

And the lady was like, this is going to help children that are being abused.

And like, still no, and she just like kept pushing it.

And then you would hear things like,

you know, like, just, because that's not a real PA system.

It's just like for the thing.

And I was like, looking at, I was like, this is going to be bad, man.

This could be real bad.

And

when I got introduced, they're like, give it up.

I walked this long walk from like the wings to the center of the room

to like essentially no applause, which I was like, this, that's a bad sign.

You know, like, they were just like,

they didn't know who you were.

And it's always, whenever I go, like, who'd you have last?

They'll name a really clean comic who's really good.

And I'm like, well, yeah, but like, he's good for this, for this environment.

Or somebody who's like, oh, this person did like George Bush.

Like, they did

a character.

And I'm like, sure, that might have been right for this crowd, too.

and then I got up there and it was

the only thing that got me through the set was turning on them like making like I'd be like you guys are the worst oh they started laughing at that well some and then some of them got more upset which made it but it made it more fun for me yeah yeah I was like I did a joke and it didn't go well and I was like first of all you are the lowest of the low I go you are below mortgage lenders predatory you're jewelers you're the absolute lowest people on the totem pole

and then some of them would like laugh and then some of them would like yell something back.

I'd be like, shut up the fuck out of here.

You're just like taking African children's blood and tears to sell your shit.

I was worried I wasn't going to get my check.

You weren't worried?

No, I wasn't worried about that.

I was just like, and I just kept looking.

I was like,

yeah, I was just trying to muscle my way through it.

Could you see the person who booked you, like how they were, their face?

No.

I know that

when I was done, the person that booked me talked to my tour manager who was with me.

And he was like, what the fuck, man?

Like, they were like, that was so goddamn vile and all the things that were said.

And he was like, well, yeah, that's what you hired.

Yeah.

You hired this.

Like, yeah, that's what happened.

But I remember one, the one that I remember stood out was I was living in California and I did the Irvine Improv.

And it was a regular show.

It was a good show.

After the show, they're like, hey, come meet

these people.

They work with Carson Palmer, who was at the time the quarterback for the Bengals.

He played at USC, he's a California guy.

And Carson's having this private event, and they want to have a stand-up, host the event, and do some time.

And they're at the show,

but they're seeing like a regular show.

And they're like, this was great.

Yeah.

Like, we'd love to have you at the thing.

And I'm like, oh, cool.

So I go to the event.

And it's at a

like a restaurant that's, but they shut down like the this one big room.

So people are mingling, right?

Like, let's say 200 plus people are mingling in the room.

And then the guy's like, okay, let's start the show.

And I was like, cool.

Like,

are you going to like tell everybody it's time to start the show?

And they're like, well, you do that.

Like, you're the host.

And I'm like, oh, okay.

So I go, well, at least introduce me.

So in the back of the room, he's like,

here's the host for your evening, Thomas Guerrero.

It is as if nothing changed.

So nobody stopped mingling.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So I got up there and I was like, all right.

And I'm just like waiting for everyone to just like turn and face the stage.

Nobody stops.

So I just go, hey, here we go.

Like, here we go.

It's showtime.

And it's just like if you're at a bar on a Saturday night and it's just, you know, loud in there?

Right.

It's that level of volume.

Yeah.

So I look at the guy and then he looks at me.

He's like, we'll fucking do it.

Like, you do it.

So I fucking.

That's good.

Yeah, then you have to be like the enforcer, which is really not funny.

Dude, it was insane.

There was three people looking at the stage, and I just talked to them.

And I'm like, this isn't, this is so, and I'm just, it's not even like you're bombing.

It's like no one's.

It's like nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening.

You're in a dream.

I'm in a dream.

I'm like, so the funny thing is, I forgot this part.

He was like, oh, yeah.

So the thing is, the event Saturday, Sunday is the golf outing.

Like the

I was like, am I doing that?

And they're like, yeah, unless

you don't want your track.

No, unless like something is, like, unless like Carson hates you or something.

There's no way you're not going to that.

So we go through this thing.

I'm trying to introduce things.

No one's listening.

At one point, I go, all right, now Carson, come on stage.

Everybody stops like

a record stopped.

Turns, faces the stage, listens with every ounce of their attention.

They look at him.

He says his thing,

gets off stage.

Everybody turns back.

I get off, and I'm like, I don't even know what happened, right?

Do you feel like

humiliation, or do you like, I don't feel it was more, that was more.

You seemed like a cool, like a person doesn't get rattled.

Well, that was more frustration.

Humiliation is more like when you're trying, everyone's listening, and you're literally nothing's happening.

Yeah.

I feel like that's more humiliating, where you're like, I'm trying to, and they hate me.

This was like, how come nobody will even

start right, yeah?

But I remember I walked, there's other bunch of nfl players there and there and i was like recognized i was like hey what's it they got that was rough man that was rough i was like

thanks and then i

i go to the like organizer guy i was like so what time is the uh golf outing tomorrow and he's like we'll let you know

oh man i was like i'm like the guy who was like i don't want him even i don't want them there that guy just fucking ruined our thing they don't think Like they think it's like a band, like you need to do a stand-up.

You have to have people paying attention to every word.

It's not like music in the background, but they go, oh, comedian, that's the thing we'll have there.

And the crazy thing to that for me was like, I was kind of with the guy, like, hey, man, like, you have to at least have them look at the stage.

I'm not going to wrangle them.

Yeah, that's so not funny to be

their teacher and then like not hear jokes.

But it was, it was like embarrassing.

It was embarrassing.

I was like, I got to do it.

I had that same, like, after that Tony Robbins thing.

I was like, this lady who booked me or whatever, or like, was my handler was like, I go, oh, I feel like I ruined his birthday.

He goes, no, he had fun this afternoon, like not even helping me.

And then we go before you got here, it was great.

I go back in a car with this other guy who was like Tony's right-hand man.

He's like, Tony doesn't get up early.

He was excited.

Like, Tony doesn't get up early.

He actually got up.

I got up early this morning.

He's like, shit, like, shit.

He said, Tony, did me.

And he goes, you want to get some food at the hotel?

And I'm like, yeah, starving.

So I go and we take a lap.

And it's like, the audience was at this buffet.

I didn't, I thought it was just, so I go, no, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good.

Because I'm feeling completely shattered shattered as a human being yeah and he goes no come in get a place go plate go buffet a good plate so I'm like sneaking and I'm like

quick and then some guy like grabs me now this is what was amazing because I didn't understand at first he goes dude epic set man

like real Tony Robbins positivity yeah and I was like thanks

And I realized, oh, he found a way to say something to me that wasn't a lie.

And like, he gave me positive energy, Tony Robbins energy.

Tony, yeah.

He learned that that weekend, which was cool.

Yeah, it wasn't epic, it was epic, yeah, it's just epic in its own way, yeah, yeah, horrible, yeah.

I know, I wouldn't do corporates if I, yeah,

I don't, I don't think I can I've got to turn the last three times I've accepted,

everyone's like, why did you say yes to this?

Yeah, why do you

because in the moment you get a call and they're like, they're going to pay me to just do that?

I know, you're like, yeah, I can do that.

It's like, I should turn it down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm never going to turn down.

I'm talking, I never will turn down money.

Ever?

I don't care how rich I get.

I'm just going to.

What's enough money, Tom, where you like, oh,

like, be honest, like, in your bank where you don't have to work ever again?

You have a perfect life where you give, you know, money to, you know, your kids, whatever, and just everything, but it's all you're going to make from here on out.

What is the number?

That sits in the bank?

It just sits there recruiting 3% to 4% a year.

I don't know, man.

But like,

you don't think about money.

You're going to go private jets, probably vacations.

It's a really nice lifestyle, you're saying.

Yeah, and you have like 10 years to live or whatever you have left.

No, you have way more than I was joking.

You have probably a good 40 years left.

40?

Probably 40 years left, right?

Four?

40?

Oh, 40.

I don't think I have 40 years left.

No?

I'm 45.

How old did your parents, are they still alive?

My mom's 80.

She's alive.

There you go.

Yeah.

My dad's dead.

He died at 74.

My dad died at 60.

60?

Yeah.

Oh, that's young.

Yeah.

Long time of brain tumor.

Fuck.

It's a funny thing to bring up.

Hilarious.

It's kind of good.

It's not bad.

You look healthy.

Are you healthy?

I think

I don't sleep enough.

Like, I did that aura ring where it tells you how you s sleep, and it was like, go see somebody.

Wait, what's your number?

What's your money number i i think it's 35 million dollars which i think which sounds ridiculous i was gonna say 175.

175 million yeah

i don't um

now i'm feeling like 35 is way low well i mean it just depends on your formula

I have kids.

I do.

Yeah, you got kids.

Yeah.

Each of those has got to be at least.

And you want to do that yacht vacation.

You know, when like don't want to do the white lotus.

We have a yacht, you want to, and that's like how much is that?

That's like a hundred thousand dollars a week or something, probably more, really, yeah,

ah,

yeah, I think I'll work until forever,

yeah, but I also like working.

Here's the thing: I'm not chasing that right, we're not doing office work, yeah.

I just like doing this stuff, I like doing stand-up, I like making a show, I like doing that, yeah.

It's not, I don't go like, I need to do this because I have to pay this, or I need to accrue.

I like working.

Right.

What would you do?

Yeah, I wouldn't

be completely out of my if you, if you gave me all that money right now, I would still be like, well, what am I going to do tomorrow?

Yeah, right.

I went on a vacation for three days and I had to come back home.

I was supposed to be there longer.

I went by myself because people, they'll go like, I traveled Europe and I, but for a month, and I was like, oh, I want to be that guy, you know?

Yeah, where'd you go?

I went to

Puerto Vallarta in Mexico.

You say for three days?

I was supposed to be there a week and I left.

Well, I get there.

This is where I knew I was a problem and I check in.

I go, hi, Kyle.

And they're like,

just you?

Like that.

And I go, yeah.

And she goes, nobody else, just you?

And I go, yeah, just me and nobody else.

So I get there and it's just all family.

No one goes alone to this resort.

And I was just this weird.

Alone guy?

Guy walk around.

Like I got in the giant ship.

That just seems like it's the wrong place you went to, though.

I guess maybe.

No, because vacationing alone makes a lot of sense.

But if you go to to like a place that is mostly families or like that's a yeah, that's a different thing.

I got in that big jacuzzi.

You know the jacuzzi where they go the whole everyone, you know?

Yeah.

Big.

And like three people just like got out right away.

And I was like,

bubbles.

And people would turn the corner because you couldn't see the jacuzzi so you came around the corner, like planning to go to the jacuzzi.

And they would just

and just people just kept coming and turning.

That guy that's jacking off everywhere is in the jacuzzi.

Yeah.

And we all ate together.

So I was always just alone eating.

I had a horrible time.

Point being, yeah, I probably won't stop working either.

No, don't stop.

Yeah.

What are we going to do?

I'm never going on vacation again.

No, you need to.

Let's plan it together.

No, but I'd have to go with

friends or a girlfriend or something.

I can't go alone ever again.

Come with my family.

I would love that.

Really?

I think you guys would like me there.

I think we would too.

I really like Christina too.

You know, we shared a flight together.

Did she tell you about that flight we shared?

When was it?

It was probably like a year ago.

She's so, you know, you can,

we're just, she's just really great.

She was playing, we're playing a game like our stewardess was Linda, who was like, just kind of gross.

But then this other fat, disgusting.

We're playing a game where it was like, would you rather put

like you have to put your face in this fat, gross guy's asshole for this?

Oh, this is, and you're playing this game with Christina?

Yeah.

She loves this game.

Yeah.

And

that's like, and like, yeah, put your face in the guy's asshole for like a full three minutes or marry Linda and live with her for six months.

Like, just scenarios.

She loves this game.

We did that for, like, yeah, three hours.

You probably did the guy's ass, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Three minutes is bad, but it's, it's not as bad as six months.

I think Christina married Linda.

She did.

I think she did.

Oh, I'd eat that guy's ass.

I didn't say you had to eat it.

Oh.

Just sit there with it.

Just get in there and like breathe it and like take it.

Just big difference between eating it.

Big deep yoga breaths.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'd love to come on vacation.

So next time I'll make you this deal.

Next time I go on a family vacation, I am going to message you and be like, this is what we're doing.

Are you coming?

I promise I'll say no, but you should do that.

You really won't come?

Wouldn't that be, that would be so weird.

It'd be so fun.

I would maybe feel even more alone to be with a family.

I don't know.

Look, what are we doing?

I don't know.

All right, invite me.

We'll see what I said.

We went to London.

I do want to go to London.

We went to London.

We would have been like, all right, we're going to go to the park now.

Do you want to come?

I know a girl in London.

There you go.

You know, we're not like.

Kyle, we're having dinner.

Do you want to have dinner with us?

Yeah, I'll be right down.

And then my kids would be like, who's this guy?

I'd be like, fucking Kyle, man.

Yeah, he's your new brother.

He's your uncle.

Oh, I went, brother.

Uncle.

Yeah.

And they'd be like, you have a brother?

I'd be like, yeah.

I didn't tell you guys, but I do.

I really, I never joke, but I would like to be adopted by your family.

We can do it.

You've got to do some paperwork.

We can do it.

I'll sign literally whatever you.

I won't even read it.

Okay.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Where can people see you?

You are

on tour at kyledunagan.com.

The Instagram is a fun, fun place to live with Kyle.

It's at Kyle Dunagan1

on Instagram.

If you haven't yet checked it out, see Kill or Be Killed.

It's out now on Netflix.

It's the live Kill Tony.

You are absolutely hilarious on it.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming in.

Thank you for having me on One Bear.

One.

Do you want to wish best wishes to Bert for his weight loss journey?

Bert,

keep going, buddy.

You got to lose one Kyle and you'll be there.

You'll be there soon, pal.

A little more than a Kyle.

Yeah, a little bit.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

Bye.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.