Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix.

Check it out.

Hey, everyone, we just announced my fall 2025 come together tour dates.

We added a whole bunch of cities, including Allentown, PA, West Lafayette, Indiana, and Colorado Springs, and many more.

I will see you out there.

Thank you so much.

100%.

Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

And this is who I should have done this podcast with.

Fucking screwed the pooch.

I took the wrong Latino.

Tommy just got done.

He's,

I think Tommy's retiring, Joey.

When?

I think he's going to retire.

I think this is his last tour.

At this point, it gets,

it kind of gets redundant after a while.

Yeah.

You know, and that's why I never wanted to go into arenas or nothing.

Because then you have nowhere to go.

After an arena, what are you going to do?

You're going to play on on Mars?

What are you going to play on?

On a spaceship?

So it kind of becomes,

listen, when you're a mid-level comic and you do the improvs, after the ninth time that you're at the 10th P improv, you ask yourself, how much longer can I do this for?

I never asked myself that.

And then I asked myself, I said to myself, when I was getting ready to announce this new tour, I was like, so wait, am I just going to do this forever?

Like, is there an end date to this?

There is.

And the way I look at it is you have to, like, what you did was brilliant.

I tell people all the time,

what happened with me was I was doing stand-up, but I wasn't having fun.

It was a business.

And that's a horrible way to do stand-up comedy.

When you do it as a business, I wanted to fall in love with it again.

Falling in love with it naturally from this, and it's not about the money.

It's not about the gig, it's you driving to the shittiest open mic on a Tuesday and getting on stage.

That's what you always want to do.

We forgot all that.

Look at what's going on in the comedian world now.

We're not comedians anymore,

we're not comedians anymore.

We're talking about politics, we're talking about this, we're having arguments with other people.

At the end of the day, that's not what we got into this for.

It's absolutely, I definitely did not get into being.

Listen, I'm going to tell you what for: to get my dick sucked to travel and to do drugs i got married that was the end of getting your dick sucked you got a girlfriend you move in you can't get your dick sucked that's part of going on the road oh well i could still do drugs okay and then one day you stop doing drugs and then they're like what am i doing i'm coming out of here because i used to do the road to do drugs yeah you know i got a wife she doesn't want to see me coked up so i would hold off all week and then go off when i went to houston or anywhere i went yeah so the fun went out of it.

I just wanted when I, after the pandemic, I'm like, thank God this happened.

Thank God.

I don't want to do nothing.

They kept calling me.

Let's set up the dates for July.

Call me when it's over.

Okay.

I'm like, Green Day.

Call me when it's over, whatever the fuck it is.

I don't want to.

And now I love it again.

And I love it to the point where at night I have to go, Joey, you're not going to the city.

Yeah.

You're not going to get back till midnight or one.

It throws your whole week off.

But that's where I am right now.

I felt that we didn't take a break during the pandemic.

You know, I mean,

we didn't,

we kept podcasting.

You know, we didn't take a break.

And Tommy Buns has to be burnt out by now.

Oh, this last tour he did was the biggest one he's ever done.

And he's, it's all, I think it's all arenas.

And, and he's, and I, I know him.

He doesn't do drugs.

He doesn't get his dick sucked.

It's, it's, it's,

I enjoy the

fans and I enjoy the seeing them and having a good time, but I just couldn't see myself doing this.

So I was 65

every week.

I didn't love it that much.

I loved my family just a little bit more.

You did the right thing.

I mean, I think you've done the right thing, especially knowing like how much time you spend with Mercy.

And I look back and I go, man, I was gone all the fucking girl's childhood.

All of it.

I saw them Tuesday and Wednesday, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, until I started canceling Sundays.

When do you think you loved it the most?

When was the most favorite time in stand-up for you?

When I was dead broke.

Yeah.

Why is that?

Why is it the fucking, when you're the poorest you are, it's the most fun?

Every night's an adventure.

Yeah.

You got $3 in your pocket and two comedy sets.

One, you're going to pick up $45 at.

Let's see where the night takes me.

Some nights you're home at one and you're fucking depressed because you ate two bags of dick.

But some nights, you got the $45 in your pocket.

You're at some girl's house at four in the morning.

Everybody's snorting Coke.

And you're like, this is great.

This is great.

I could do this forever.

We all had the best fun when we were struggling.

That was the best.

When you barely made the gig.

When you don't have money to get the plane ticket that got canceled.

Remember, if you got canceled in those days, you you were kind of fucked.

You don't have $200 again.

We barely, you know, and those are the times where I thought I had the best time.

You know, and yeah, I had great times on the road touring.

You did the right thing.

You broke it up.

You said, you have the best idea in comedy.

It was the best festival in comedy.

The thing on the road.

Buses and stuff.

That's a great idea.

That was brilliant because it took you off of the A markets.

It put you in C markets that people never think of going to these towns.

Brandon, Mississippi.

Brandon, Mississippi.

You went to all these places.

You went to a place in Tennessee that I considered the best place I've ever been to.

Where was that?

The first year we were in Tennessee one night, and I thought

I loved that town because of that.

The hotel people were nice.

Everybody knew you in town.

You know, we were there for like a day and a half, and we were already talking to people.

I met a great girl down there, ended up having a kid.

We ate mushrooms together.

We ate mushrooms together.

Fucking, you know, that was fun because you have no pressure on you.

Yeah.

You have no pressure on you.

It's 20 minutes.

I can do 20 minutes in my sleep.

And I don't really care if they sell tickets.

You know, when you're doing comedy, it's not, it's maintaining the material, writing material, and then your agents are calling you.

Hey, Brandon, Mississippi, you're not selling tickets down there.

This, that.

You have so much going.

Yeah.

So much inner stress that you don't even feel.

You're like, oh, I've been doing this for years.

But no, it's inner stress.

You're selling tickets.

Put this up.

This guy wants you to play there.

Hey, when you go there, they want you to stop over here and get a sweatshirt and take a picture.

You know, it's not, it's never ending.

It's never ending being a comic.

You know, it never ends.

It never ends.

And once you do have a wife and a kid, it...

You know, I always liked those guys that you were on the road with in the beginning.

And it was their third week on the road.

and they're calling you're calling your wife and you're like i'm with burt kreiser we're drinking we're playing golf and she's like motherfucker i'm over here putting a diaper on one kid and the other kid's yelling and you're fucking playing golf with burt kreischer you know like i think women always like when they go to work women oh my god you're so lucky he must be so fun to have him around and he must be so fun that shit lasts a year

Women think that shit's cute for a fucking year.

And then they're like, bitch, you know, I'm over here cleaning the bathroom and you're in Miami with Joe Rogan jumping up and down.

Go fuck yourself, you know.

Women can't.

They can't after a while.

Those earliest days with Rogan must have been a fucking blast.

They were a blast.

Eddie Bravo just traveling with you guys?

Eddie Bravo, Tate, Joe, Duncan, and me.

And Redman

in a van.

Joe not knowing where he's going in the van.

Why are we doing this, Joe?

Put the fucking thing.

I know where I'm going.

Arguments, the whole thing.

But he took good care of us.

Like, I can't, I can never be mad at that guy.

Yeah.

Like, I get mad at him for a minute sometimes.

He says something stupid on the UFC or something.

And I'm like, what the fuck, Joe?

And then I go, that guy, you know, he created this comedy environment for us that was tremendous.

He was paying us great.

We were eating like fucking kings.

You know, we were sponsored by Fogo to Chow.

Okay?

I love Fogo to Chow.

We were sponsored by Fogo to Chow for like three years.

Every town we landed in, we went to Fogo to Chow on the arm, and then Joe would get shots that were like $400

for all of us.

And then on the way in the car, he goes, you just did a $400 shot.

You're like, fuck.

Fuck, Joe.

Thank you.

And that's when Joe just discovered weed.

Yes.

And we made him smoke weed.

And Duncan had the fucking dummy with him in the hotel, Nemo, and he used to scare the shit out of me.

And Ari's always been crazy.

You know, Ari's just fucking Ari.

Ari is,

he's a comic in his own world.

Like now he wants to go to Europe.

It's his last tour.

Yeah.

He's just, and got to be honest with you, these guys are doing it right.

Yeah.

I was doing it wrong.

I was doing it too seriously.

I got to stick to that material.

Now I watch everybody doing arenas and they're doing fucking they're talking to the audience.

Everybody's talking to the fucking audience.

I'm up there working hard.

I can't write this shit.

And everybody's talking to the audience in the arena.

I was raised not to talk to the audience audience in a fucking arena or a big show.

These guys are like, hey, what do you do for a living?

I'm like, God,

in the arena.

I'm like, god damn it.

What the fuck?

But I could see that was getting monotonous for me.

Like it was just getting monotonous.

And

it's bad for everybody.

Yeah.

You go into a club for 20 years and that guy's still a bus boy.

And you're seeing him as a bus boy and he's seeing you as a comic that comes every 18 months.

It was just, I don't know, something wasn't right.

I wanted to do it more, how bands did it.

How's that?

You guys work hard.

When you go on a tour, it's 10 months.

Listen, once that 10 months end and you say goodbye to your fellas and you go home, it's over.

There's no videos.

There's no nothing.

There's no look at you.

Shut it down.

It just shuts.

And we all see.

When I got to L.A.

in 97, everybody had a, your manager had a plan for you.

So, Bert, you're going to go on the the road from January to April or every week, Bert.

Shut your fucking mouth.

And then I got you a show.

You're going to shoot from May to July.

You're going to, there's 11 episodes.

You're going to shoot seven.

You're not going to make much money your first year, but you're going to shoot seven episodes.

And then while those things are in the tank, you're going to go to the comedy store every night till your ass turns green.

And you're going to do...

a spot till you get an hour.

Then we're going to shoot a special.

We're going to put that in the tank and that tv show comes out the special come out and you're back on the road in january yeah there was always a plan there's no more plan

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I didn't like that.

I wanted to do, I was trying to figure out, listen, I love Led Zeppelin, and not just because of their music, I love their style, how they did it.

They never did a TV show.

They refused.

They never did

whatever show at night on Fridays.

What was that guy's name here?

Carson?

Merc Griffin?

No, no, no.

There was a show when I was growing up, Midnight Special, and Don Kurs' Rock Concert.

There were all these...

USA had one.

They never did that.

Their manager never allowed them to do a TV performance of anything.

It was very, you look at Led Zeppelin, you're like, they were just a bunch of wackos.

No, they weren't.

That manager had a plan from day one, and he stuck to it, and that's why they ended up having nine albums, and they're one of the most successful bands of all time.

When they toured for a year and a half, when they got off, they got off.

They didn't even talk.

Yeah.

They didn't even talk for a year.

After about a year, one of them would get bored and go, what do you think?

We should go in the studio.

I'm too busy shooting heroin.

Try me in six months.

Aerosmith.

All those guys had these schedules.

Somewhere along the line, and calmly, it just got thrown off the window.

There's no plan.

You stay on the road to your whatever.

And I didn't like that.

I'd rather stay on the road and you get a movie for me.

And I'll take off and then I'll do the movie.

I will not post anything on social media.

People will have to put me in the back of milk containers because you are not going to see me.

I will not make a fucking video and then you come back like jesus is born and that we didn't do that we stayed in their faces we stayed in their faces yeah that's it's it was that monotony of like you had to post

a podcast has to go up every week every week every week you're always doing each other's podcasts social media i mean man i wish i could put that toothpaste back in the tube i've shared everything on social media

I mean, what haven't we shared on social?

I don't even, I tweet once a week now, maybe twice a week, because I know you're in competition with these these people that don't stop tweeting.

God, I look at like young dudes that are putting out content on Instagram.

I've slowed down on Instagram, but

right now I'm losing my mind because I'm promoting the special and I'm in New York and I'm overexposed and I'm on everyone's podcast.

I see it coming.

I'm sick of seeing his fucking face and I'm like, me too.

Get me the fuck.

I'm going to take another break while like this summer, I'm going to dip out for a sec.

No tour this summer?

No tour this summer.

We were supposed to do fully loaded again this summer.

And then I just said, you know, I was like, you know,

let's not.

Let's let it breathe for a season and come back in the fall, come back again next summer.

And like, where everyone's rejuvenated.

And by the way, I don't even have an act.

I've just started writing

for my new.

We lose our act.

We lose an hour.

You got six weeks on the road doing all material that they're going to see in this special.

It was backwards.

So wait a second.

I'm going to go on the road for a year to work on material that they're going to see on Netflix or any other platform.

Something wasn't right.

That's why I said you

finish that TV show and then you stay in L.A.

and you hit all those spots every night.

I thought that was kind of cool about Joe's special is he never toured that material.

That material only lived in Austin.

Like he never took that hour out on the road because he doesn't tour.

And I was like, that's kind of cool.

If you write an hour in a city, just live live in a city, write your hour, perform it, and the whole world sees it for the first time on Netflix.

But yeah, I took this hour, this hour that's on Netflix now, I took it

fucking

on

a fucking huge arena tour.

And I got to do, here's the thing that gets complicated.

This is the thing

is once you start making money, you start making other people money.

So you got bus drivers who count on you.

You have crew, crew of 18 who count on you.

You have a production manager who counts on you, a tour manager that counts on you, an assistant that counts on you and then you go to do your next tour and everyone's you had hired all these people and everyone is looking for work so like i ran into a guy the other day i haven't seen him in a while and he's like yo when are we going back on the road and i was like we

we

i was like

i guess i'm taking him back on the road huh

so it's crazy man i i'm jealous of you i love i look at your po whenever i see your posts like you you georgia and ila had a group text they say share with you and mercy were on on a boat, and they were like, is that Mercy?

And I was like, fuck yeah, she's grown up.

Yeah, it's a different story.

Yeah.

It's a way different story.

And listen, when you're doing it, you don't realize it's the best thing you're ever going to do is raise a child, whether it's a boy or a girl.

You're raising them.

We came from L.A.,

you know, and I hate to

harp on this, but it's the truth.

We came from a society where we were around a lot of broken women.

Broken, whatever they call that shit, daddy issues, whatever the fuck that is.

And I really looked at that when I got home and I looked at

she didn't like it.

Mercy didn't like it too much.

Yeah.

Mercy, it hit her when I wasn't home from Terry's birthday right before the pandemic.

And my sister-in-law came out and they were like, we were all there, dad, except for you.

You have to stop it with this road shit.

You know, pick different weeks.

And I thought about it.

I'm like, what the fuck does she know about life?

She doesn't know anything about bills.

My fucking bridge broke.

They want 20 Gs.

I got no fucking teeth.

The thing broke.

What does she know about 20 Gs?

You know, we got to go out and kill 20 fucking Puerto Ricans to get 20 Gs.

And I thought about what she was saying.

And then things started happening to me in other avenues.

The weed company came.

I got signed by draft kings.

There was all these opportunities.

I said, Joey, this is your chance.

The universe is giving you a chance to regroup your life and figure out how to work it as a dad.

You know, because we didn't plan on being dads, it just happened.

And now we're getting busier than ever.

Now, you know, nobody wants you to do all this shit, but we have to do it.

Yeah.

It's my fucking job, you know.

And people have no idea that once you're in it, you're in it.

The reason why I'm not at the level I was as a comic five years ago is because I'm not in it no more.

If I get on stage twice a week, it's a lot.

I was at a point where I was doing, you know, we do 15 sets a week without even knowing.

Without even thinking.

You walk into a place like, you want to get up?

Yeah.

And all that shows.

You know, all that

shows everywhere.

It shows everywhere.

And I could tell sometimes I struggle on stage.

And that's because I don't have what I had available to me in L.A.

The thing I did was when I left L.A.

that I didn't know I had done, Bert, is I actually kissed my career goodbye.

Do you think?

When I went...

Right before we left, I went to the store one day by myself.

And I just sat on the stairs.

There was nobody there.

Town was locked up for COVID.

And I just sat there and I realized what the fuck had happened the last 23 years.

Like, what the fuck happened?

One minute we're up here starving.

Ralphie Mae, we're fucking chipping in to get a turkey.

And the next thing you know, you're pulling up to the store and there's 10 Labor Ghinis out there.

And you're like, what?

How did this even happen?

It's so wild.

From what I knew stand-up to be when I started, I was listening to a conversation in the the hallway between a group of comics who were explaining why it was more cost-effective to fly in a helicopter from Jay from LAX to the Valley.

And I was like, wait, what are we like?

We're taking helicopters' places.

I was like, dude,

I've heard stories in this, like, talking about tour buses and private jets.

And you're like, dude,

I like that's it's so bizarre.

so listen the stones don't travel at 80

at and you know they travel first class whole first they don't even stay together they bring a fucking doctor with them on the road yeah he's shooting them with testosterone he's giving them gummies you know those when you could travel like that how would you travel i'd have somebody pull me in a cart yeah if i could you know what i'm saying if you made that type of money on the road but

When you get older, you realize you blew a lot of fucking money.

I always like IMDB.

I'm I'm a big fan of IMDb.

I'm a big fan of going to IMDb when somebody's rocking and rolling and seeing all the people that pay it.

Attorney, publicist, this, that.

It's like a row of eight or nine people.

And then when the show ends, give it about a month and they get that reality call from the accountant saying, hey, let me tell you something.

I don't know what you think you got, but let me tell you what you got.

And next week, you see all those people disappear.

The attorney, the publicist, they're down to one fucking agent because you're shooting a movie but you're paying eight people 10 to an 3% to an attorney god knows how much to a publicist 10 to a fucking agent and 15 to a manager but meanwhile everybody thinks that we're walking around like cheech basteach that we just fucking I had a guy question me one time well you made this on YouTube I go do you know I have taxes Do you know I have commissions?

You understand all this, right?

Oh, we didn't think about that.

Yeah, people have no fucking idea what you make and what goes out.

I put everything on an Amex, so my wife has to pay it off at the end of every month.

Business expenses, restaurant, the ferry I took, you know, and you look at that now compared to what I was blown in LA.

Oh, Jesus.

Holy shit.

Three weeks a month, first class tickets, this, that, hotel for you, hotel for the people that you're bringing with you, because they don't give you money for that in the theater.

No.

All that shit.

You're dropping 50K a month.

I would see the Amex bills and go, oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

That's fucking horrible.

The expenses is what people don't see.

But do you have a podcast studio?

They even were taxing us on podcasts in L.A.

Did you get that bill?

No.

Yeah, like 18 fucking, they were taxing us for something business thing.

Really?

Yeah.

We were getting hit from all fucking over.

Meanwhile, you're thinking you're Johnny Bastich, you're buying dinners and fucking, you know, living like Ralphie Mae before you punch the ticket, fucking buying all the sushi at a place.

Ralphie Mae.

I get bummed when I see,

I get bummed.

The other day, I was watching a video of him.

So fucking funny, and I go, man, no one talks about him enough.

Like, don't, he was so fucking good at this.

So, those clips that come up from time to time, they're fucking really funny.

Dude,

I feel bad.

He didn't get this.

No.

He didn't get to see this.

He was doing theaters before anyone was doing theaters.

20 years ago.

Yeah.

20 years ago.

2005, 2006, he started doing theaters.

And he had it down to a fucking science.

He was the first one of us with a tour bus.

Yeah, he had a tour bus.

That's right.

He had a shotgun on there and machine guns and Uzis.

It's just weird to see, you know, when we got to L.A.,

We saw these people who were rocking and rolling like, that's never going to be me.

and then all of a sudden you start seeing the people around you blowing up and then one day you just

I don't know what happened like that's what I had to think about what really happened to me those 23 years and I think that when I left LA those stairs that day I was like I'm not in the major leagues anymore that's for starters we're not in the major I'm not in the major leagues I don't live in LA no more New York has a great comedy scene or whatever, but I've already done that.

For me to come, like I wrestled with doing spots in the city because it's like, I've already done that.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, I've already been in the club where I developed in there and started.

I don't want to do that again, but I might have to.

I might have to start coming over here.

I miss coming over here.

Yeah.

This is fucking great.

It seems like it would be a fucking pain in the goddamn ass.

Just parking.

That's what kills me.

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Make friends.

Dude, I said to Leanne, I will not go to a restaurant if they don't have good parking and i don't care how hot the restaurant is i need i need valet or a huge parking lot i love good parking me too i love good parking i don't like walking with food in my stomach yeah

so that's not gonna happen if i don't park up front i'm not eating there because i don't like taking that hike yeah i get sick like i just hyperventilated some shit i can't do it with food in my stomach a steak i don't want to walk i'm not fucking low some clark i don't want to walk nowhere i want the car right outside for everything i'm at a point in my life where i want the car right outside for everything that puts a big damper on all my plans there's a restaurant i love but you know why i don't go there right valet parking i got shit in the car

i got in the car i don't want somebody sitting in my car and i could park up front and i won't go there just because of the valet You know, when I used to go to Dodger games, I'd buy that up front parking.

Oh, fuck you.

You walk right in and your tickets are right there.

Fuck, I love all that shit.

People invite me to all these things here.

I'm not walking in Giant Stadium.

Have you been to Link

Yankee Stadium?

No.

Oh, you'll be walking from now till fucking Tuesday.

I don't want to do that walking.

I want to walk in, sit down, and mind my fucking business.

Once you include walking in it, you don't want to walk in.

Oh, wait, I have been to Yankee Stadium.

You walk fucking forever.

Forever.

Forever.

First place.

And I got dropped off in an Uber and I still walk forever.

No, forever.

I go to Philadelphia to watch a game.

You walk right in.

You got Italian ice.

Somebody calls you a

and you're in Philadelphia.

Like, thank you.

You're fucking from Jersey.

Ah, thank you.

Good to see you.

You know, everything else is a fucking hike.

I don't like it.

They built a mall, American mall here.

You got to walk a mile in the parking lot just to get to the mall.

And then it's another two miles to get something to eat.

I don't need to go there.

I see stairs now and I get fucking anxiety.

Like I see stairs and I'm like, this might not happen.

This might not happen.

This might not happen.

I'm not in the mood.

My knee hurts.

You know, I just started shooting the thing in my knee again.

Stem cells?

No, I'm going to shoot stem cells next month in Austin.

I just started shooting the BPC-157, the wolverine in my knee because it was starting to bother me again.

It was great.

My knee was doing great.

And then I got sick.

And those two and a half weeks in the hospital, for some reason.

You was in the hospital?

Yeah, I was in the hospital for three fucking weeks this year.

Wait, what happened?

I have no fucking idea, Bert.

They figured it out.

It's called hypoxasy or some shit, where your lungs fill up with liquid and you cannot breathe.

And I mean, dog, I'm not scared of anything.

This was scary.

Really?

So, wait, so you were having a hard time breathing?

It started like in December.

I thought it was the mushrooms.

I thought I'm like, ah, well, when I eat mushrooms, my heart beats or something.

And then I got sick.

And it was funny because I said, you know what, I'm going to stop smoking dope.

Now, you've known me a long time.

Yes.

And after New Year's, I said, you know what?

I'm wasting my time with marijuana anymore.

It ain't California.

I got to be on a website every night to see who's got my weed.

So I go there in the morning,

stand online, get it.

And it just gets me high in the morning.

My tolerance is off the fucking charts, you know?

So I'm like, maybe I should give it a break.

Well, a week later, I got the flu.

And two days later, I could not breathe.

I mean, Bert, I would get up here

20 steps, and I'd have to stop and fucking pee.

I mean, and it's not like, Bert, where's your bathroom?

Oh, no, no, no.

I got to take my dick out right here, right now.

It was terrible.

Really?

I would have to go home twice and change my sweats.

And, you know, it was just a horrible experience.

I didn't know what was.

So I went to,

you know, urban, what is it, urgent care?

Like, you should check into the hospital.

Your oxygen level's low.

I'm like, it's my daughter's birthday.

I don't want her to come home from school when I'm in a fucking hospital.

That's no birthday present for nobody.

So I waited out for like two days, and then I couldn't breathe.

I went in.

That time they kept me for a week.

Couldn't figure out what it was.

They drained my lungs.

How did they drain your lungs?

You know, they do light LASICs.

They give you a thing in your vein to fucking take the water out of you.

And you feel it immediately?

You're peeing 20 ounces of shot.

Really?

Those bottles that they give you?

I was peeing one every two hours.

I was filling one of those things up.

Everything comes out.

I dropped like 30 fucking pounds.

For real?

Yeah, they took all the fluid out of you.

Jesus.

Then they would send me home, but I would do the same shit.

I'd go home and start with the one-itters.

And then a week, two weeks later, I'm having a hard time breathing.

Shit.

And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

And does it feel like a flu, like you're coughing and stuff, or is it just you're supposed to fill it up with fluid?

Just when you walk,

I would, or train.

Oh my God, it was to the point where I I would have to do like a set of pull-downs and sit down.

Fucking, my face is turning red.

So after the first

hospital stay, they put that thing in my veins and my arm and went to your heart.

And if you need a stent or a fucking balloon, they put it in there.

When I woke up, and the doctor's like, Joy, I don't know what to tell you.

You got a heart of a bull.

You don't need anything.

I'm like.

What the fuck is this then?

Because I kept thinking it was 27 years of cocaine.

Something's going to malfunction at some point in your life.

You know what I'm saying?

I was starting to sound like RFK.

I was all RFK'd up and shit.

I can't.

And then

I came home again.

Then I thought I had diverticulitis.

So I went back that time for diverticulitis, but it wasn't diverticulitis.

And then I was like, fuck it.

I'm going to go home.

I was going to the gym.

I'm eating good.

And fucking this time, that one week was just brutal.

And it was starting to scare my wife.

And if there's something I don't like to do, it's scare my wife.

She's not from that school.

But I'm going to tell you an example.

The last three nights, I would walk from my basement to my bedroom, and I would have to keel on the floor.

Like stop and drop to the floor, catch my composer until I could pee, run to the bathroom, pee.

And then the walk to the bed was killing me.

And then I'd have to do a one of those things or treatment.

The inhaler.

The inhaler with the fucking heat and all that shit.

Oh, yeah.

And I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee.

Oh, boy, was it bad.

Really?

And that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, the Saturday night was the worst.

My blood pressure went up to 212 over 110, and my oxygen went down to 86.

It was 4 in the morning.

And I knew I had to go to the doctor.

I'm like, I got to go to the hospital.

But I didn't want to get the ambulance at 4 in the morning in front of my daughter.

So I said, I'll just go in the morning.

And I went the next morning, and that's when we really, they did a nuclear blood test, and they found out that I was overloaded with fluid and blood cells, red blood cells.

Really?

Because remember when I did testosterone when Mercy was first born, I ended up in the hospital with too many red blood cells.

So I knew what it was.

I was taking MK677.

It's a peptide for recovery and sleep and makes you hungry as fuck.

But you get fucking huge on that shit if you start lifting.

Yeah.

And that stuff is like a growth hormone.

it makes sure it mimics a growth hormone it's like my friend said it's like joe rogan said if you're going to do testosterone do testosterone if you're going to do growth do it but don't do things that are going to stimulate that yeah because somewhere it's going to backfire and it backfired for me and it would drop uh it would do like a insulin drop so my blood sugar would go up my blood pressure would go up so i got off that And I haven't smoked again.

I've been fine.

Really?

So how long has it been since you went in in the hospital?

Three weeks.

Three weeks?

I've never fucking heard any of this.

Well, what am I going to say?

The first time I put a picture up and I got 9,000 calls.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm like, 9,000 calls.

Like, you know, and I'm like, I can't tell people I'm in the fucking hospital.

My phone will blow up all fucking day.

Oh, that's so funny.

So you, Joey.

So I didn't want to tell people, like, what do you do?

Take a picture with tubes in your nose?

Yeah.

Like, look at me, I'm in the hospital.

And then people are like, oh, get well.

Get the fuck out of here.

You know, I'm going to tell you I'm a nose.

I'll tell you when I get out.

Yeah.

Why am I going to take pictures in the hospital and embarrass you?

And my daughter saw pictures.

She's like, dad, fucking hospital?

What's wrong with you?

I was like, you're right.

Holy shit.

So did you get scared during that time?

Those last three nights were a little

because now it went from me just hyperventilating and couldn't catch my breath and having a bad panic attack to me sweating.

I was starting to sweat and my face was getting real fucking red.

And I'm like, this ain't good.

And my blood, your blood pressure is 212.

That never ends well.

That never fucking ends well.

I said, fuck it.

I went to a nutrition guy.

I'm eating fucking,

I changed a lot of shit.

Like, I had to.

I had to eat a lot more arugula for my blood pressure.

I had to fucking

I'm eating that stuff.

And it's pretty fucking good after two weeks.

That shit sea

shit you get from the ocean and you put it in.

Seaweed?

It's like seaweed.

Something else.

I don't know what it's called.

Sea moss.

Yeah.

It's like pretty intense.

And you take it.

Like, I got some stuff that's blueberry flavored and strawberry flavored, and you fucking take it three times a day.

Forget it.

Hard-ons, everything comes back.

And that's what was crazy.

I was really sick, but I was really horny.

That was fucking the weirdest thing.

Like, I was never horny until I went to the hospital.

Yeah.

And I couldn't bang one out in the hospital because I'm a Catholic.

You can't bang one out in the hospital.

It's just not right.

You know, but I was fucking super horny.

I couldn't breathe.

I'm like, like, even if I get pussy, I can't get a piece of pussy because I can't breathe.

I'd just pump it one time and I'd go and spin out into a panic attack.

So, fuck it.

It was terrible, Burke.

God,

it was.

Those last three nights were like,

Joey, you got to do something with your life.

And I got up the next morning, I did like three bonguts.

I was already dead, so I'm going to go do three bonguts, and I went right to the hospital.

When I walked in, they were looking at me weird.

Like, did you smoke a pot last night?

And then I did edibles in there.

You brought your edibles in there?

Oh, yeah, and mushrooms, too, because how boring is it?

The first week I went in there sober.

I was sober Pete.

When I had to go back, I put some edibles in my fucking

backpack and some mushrooms.

I got fucked up in there.

God.

Fucked up.

Where my blood pressure would go up and my oxygen would drop.

And at one point, I had like eight white doctors around me.

They were flabbergasted.

What's going on?

And I'm like, Dog, I ate some edibles.

Now I know what happens to your body.

They were like, they called every white person in that Hindus.

They had every smart person in that hospital.

And they were all sitting around me going, we can't figure it out.

How is your blood pressure high after all that?

And I felt like telling them, I got some edibles in me.

I got 400 milligrams of me, kind of sucker.

I couldn't do it.

Yeah, you got to have a good time in there because now it gets kind of boring.

The TV was great.

I brought a computer.

I brought a bunch of books.

I tried to write in there.

You know.

You got to feel, it's like doing a movie.

Yeah.

It's going to suck if you don't bring anything.

You better bring TV, a couple shots, a joint, a book, a computer, a notebook.

You know, you got to bring everything on those sets.

If not, it's fucking brutal.

You know how it is.

Yeah.

I got to clean up.

I had a call with Leanne.

I was hammered last night.

I was hammered.

I was telling Pete, I couldn't understand how it did, and I figured it out.

A girl at the bar,

hot as shit,

very sweet, uh, Costa Rican chick.

Um,

I guess walked me to my room, and I was like, I was like, hey, man, I'm married, you know, she's just a good Samaritan.

I was so drunk, I couldn't find my key, I didn't know what room I was in, and she was like, I'm gonna get you to bed.

And I woke up thinking she wanted to fuck me.

She just got me to my bed.

I told her at the door, I was like, it's not gonna happen.

And she's like, yeah, I know.

But I talked to Leah this morning.

She's like, yo, when you come come home you need to dry out it's been this this press run's been rough on me how long has this run been

uh

two weeks straight but uh

it's been you know I I still do phoners to radio stations so I've been getting up at six in the morning four in the morning uh LA time doing call-ins until like 10, then going to sleep, going and do podcasts.

I'm ready to just stop podcasting.

Like,

if I could, I would,

I would love to put everything on hold.

You know, I've heard from like three people now that I really respect

that

you should put, that, that

podcasting is bad for stand-up.

You think?

You got lazy.

Makes us lazy.

Yeah.

And I'm guilty.

Before I throw anybody under the bus, I'm guilty of it because we didn't know.

I've heard Colin Quinn, Louis C.K., and a guy I won't say, say

should stop podcasting and focus on stand-up.

They're like, it's bad for stand-up people.

If you listen to the last Rogan I did, I told Rogan

that I just want to do stand-up without podcasting for one year.

Wow.

And I'll tell you why Mace is lazy.

And we've all done it in our specials.

We all do it in our stand-up.

We involve

the podcast.

And what we don't know is that special's on Netflix.

The people that are sitting in the audience, they know what you're talking about.

But the people at home, they don't know.

So when you're talking about

whatever,

those are the people you need to worry about.

Who's the hottest comic in America right now?

Nate Bargatzi.

Nate Bargatzi, yeah.

Nate said some stuff that I heard on a podcast that was brilliant and he was right.

We're not doing comedy for the general public anymore.

As podcasters, and we all fell into this, including myself, before anybody goes, Joey,

we include our podcast in our stand-up.

And that's good and bad.

It makes us lazy.

I mean, the podcast opened our eyes to people.

Okay?

I loved HBO,

the boxing show.

Yeah,

when they follow the boxers?

Yeah, because you could hate somebody.

You're like, I hate that fucking dude.

But then you find out his wife died, and he raises four kids by himself.

And way before he gets up at four to go box, then he comes back home, feeds them, puts him on a bus.

And then he's there at 3.30.

Then he has to put them to sleep, and his sister has to come home and watch the kids while he goes to train at 8 o'clock at night after a full day at UPS or whatever the fuck they're doing.

It makes you love somebody.

And that's the same thing podcasting did for us.

It showed, you know, when they see you on stage, they think that's it.

Yeah.

You're the end-all, be-all.

They don't know that we have a complete different life, and that's really an act.

It's an act.

For me, it ain't, it's the truth, but it's an act.

Yeah.

You're talking up there.

I think with

the podcast, we just involve it too much.

Yeah.

And

it's our laziness.

It's not the audience's fault.

It's not even our fault.

We didn't know.

We did not fucking know.

So, and I told this to Joe.

I go, I think that I'd like to try it for a year.

Just stand up.

No more podcasting just to eliminate that.

Oh, you know my story.

We're thinking that the audience knows us.

And they don't.

Yeah, when you do a show in Milwaukee, that's one thing.

But when you do a special on Netflix, you've got to assume.

You know, yeah, how many people watch your special so far?

10 million?

I don't know.

Five of those million didn't come to your show.

Definitely five of those million didn't come to my show.

Yeah, so they were like, well.

Yeah, that is crazy.

Yeah,

I guess Special and Netflix probably pulls in, I'm guessing, 10 million.

10 million.

Yeah,

and I'm definitely not selling 10 million tickets.

No, but they're new people who are watching you.

Yeah.

It's like when somebody goes, oh, my God, I listened to the church last week from the beginning.

They just discovered you.

Yeah.

They just discovered you.

And all this craziness, we thought they knew who we were.

No.

Just people that go to somebody's house and they go, have you seen this guy?

And they go, oh, my God, I'm going to watch that podcast in the beginning.

And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

It's people that do that.

Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built a fucking

following.

That's amazing.

He got to you in college.

Oh, I remember.

He got to you in college.

Fuck yeah, Billy Madison.

He got to you in college, and then you follow him all the way through.

Yeah, he's still my guy.

Yeah, he's still your fucking guy.

Yeah.

I mean, what the fuck are we talking about here?

Yeah.

He did it.

So what may we do that too?

Some new kid just picks up an album one day and goes, I love this guy.

He's calling you up, asking you creepy questions, hitting you on Facebook, and you're like, I've been around for 20 years.

Yeah.

30 years I've been doing this shit.

Now you, yeah, because they're just learning who you are.

But absolutely, I agree with Colin.

I agree with Louie.

I agree with anybody else.

I think that we just, we play assume too much.

We assume.

And those are the people that turn your special off.

They're like, who the fuck is this?

Who the fuck is that?

I enjoyed your special a lot.

Thank you.

A lot.

I cried at the end because I knew Priscilla.

That's what my wife even said.

She goes, I never knew Priscilla died.

My wife was really upset.

She was crying and shit.

My wife was.

That might be the best reaction ever.

My wife was crying.

Terry found out that Priscilla died.

She was crying at the end.

She goes, no, he's making me cry.

I'm like, what the fuck?

But it was a good special.

I like how you include everybody.

You were dirty as fuck, which was fucking great.

Like, you did not give a fuck.

The thing about now that you can see your dick because you lost weight, that's so true because people suck your dick.

You don't know who's sucking your dick when you're chubby.

You just pray for the best.

That's the best.

You just pray for the best.

Like, who's sucking my dick?

I have no idea.

And you try to look, but that gut's in the way.

All you see is like a forehead and an eyeball.

That's it.

And you're like, I don't know who this person is.

But you said some great stuff.

And like I said, I don't even watch that many specials anymore because they've become

even the special.

We got a special on Netflix every week now.

Every week.

Every week.

Chelsea's just dropped today.

Every week.

And

there's so much competition.

So now the special has to be about something different.

Man.

Now the special has to be about something different.

It can't be 30, can't be an hour material.

It's got to go somewhere now.

32 minutes with a fucking video at the end of you singing a song.

It's got to be something completely different because

the special has been kind of burnt out in a way.

And if you look at the older specials and you see the newer specials,

I don't know who gave these people permission.

to do what they do.

Because if you look at the older specials, which I really enjoyed, they focused on you from the waist up.

And that was it.

The only one was like Richard Pryor Live from the Sunset Strip.

It was a big shot, you know.

But if you look at the Lenny Bruces and all those older specials, it was 100% on you.

No audience.

And now we got spider cams.

We got spider cams and we got all this shit.

And you think it makes the special look better, but I don't know.

I think it breaks.

I think that's why people can't watch the special past 32 minutes.

Yeah.

Because I'm watching the audience.

It's a lot.

You just watch this fucking guy.

I'll tell you what, I'll even take it further.

I miss, you know what I miss is

albums.

I remember listening to David Tell's Skanks for the Memories and going,

this is perfect.

And it's perfect that I can't see it because it played to my imagination.

I've always loved live albums.

I fucking love live albums.

You know, you put on one of the Richard Pryor ones, and what you hear in the background, or the Red Fox one,

when you hear beer cans opening and

a lighter lighting a cigarette.

Yeah.

And they were, you could see like Red Fox and

the other guy, Pryor, weren't ever in a rush in those little blue clubs.

Yeah.

You know, it probably sat 200 bucks.

His agent didn't call him and go, you're wasting your time.

You need to be an 800-seater.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was just as pure as a special could be.

Whether it's prior, I think two of the early

Carlin ones,

like an album I had.

One of the best is like Bob Newhart.

His albums are fucking great.

Oh, amazing.

Amazing.

And I like listening to that.

I like to hear the album going up and down, skipping maybe.

I miss that.

And that's what I always wanted for podcasting.

Podcasting wasn't supposed to be perfect.

I love these guys with the $22,000 studios.

We're doing pirate radio here.

I loved the, can I tell you what my favorite I miss?

Do you remember Rogan had that phone that would just ring in his office?

He'd be doing a podcast.

It'd just start ringing.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

And you'd go, you're going to get that?

And he goes, the line's dead.

I don't even know who the fuck has that number.

And you'd hear it listening to a podcast.

And then you'd do the podcast and it would ring.

Oh, I love those old school.

It was,

it was like,

my favorite was when I had microphones and you would come on and you get so excited, you'd move the microphone like this.

Let me tell you something.

Do you remember the time?

Do you remember?

I'll tell you what.

I may find this and repost this.

Just the audio.

Do you remember the time Ralphie came over and he fell asleep?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

And then he woke up and he fell on the dollhouse and crushed the dollhouse.

Oh, my God.

That was such a surreal fucking night.

God.

Because Ralph, he was going through a hard time in his life.

And you called me at seven.

And you're like, Ralph, you'll be here at a quarter to eight, ready to do a podcast.

Do you want to do it with him?

I go, yeah.

And you said, you go, I don't know if he's going to show.

You're like, I don't know if he's going to show.

Let's see where he goes.

I got that a quarter to eight.

We probably sat there for an hour and a half waiting for him.

And he kept saying, I'm on Laurel player.

I'm on Laurel Canyon player.

I'll be right there.

What the fuck?

And then he showed up and he had the vapor pen.

Yeah.

And he kept trying to sell us that the vapor pen was fucking him up.

And he would fall asleep and he would wake up and he'd fall asleep.

There's no camera for this, but you'd be telling a story and then you'd look at Ralphie and you'd look at me and you'd start, but you were still telling the story going, he's sound asleep.

Sound of fucking sleep.

And that was 11:30 at night.

We did like a two-hour podcast.

Yeah.

We get up.

I'm high as fuck.

I am high as fuck.

Yeah.

And we get up and you and I are talking.

We're walking and Ralphie's supposedly there with us.

And all of a sudden you hear,

and we're like, what happened?

And Ralphie fell on the fucking dollhouse.

He was laid out in the doll.

Get me out of here.

We had to lift him up.

We lifted him up and I could not laugh in his face because it would have broken his heart.

And you got him to the car and you called me and you go, he crushed the dollhouse.

Oh my God.

And we were crying, laughing.

Sometimes laughter gets stuck in your lungs.

Like you cannot laugh.

And I held it.

And then when we got to the car, he wanted to talk about whatever.

And I'm like, I don't want to talk, Ralphie.

I have to go let this laugh out of my chest.

And finally, he got in the car.

I didn't see that dollhouse.

It was always an excuse.

I can't keep smoking this reefer, the Chibo shoes.

He was blaming everything.

And I'll never forget getting in the car, going going around the corner, and there's a subway right there.

It was 11.30 at night.

Everything was closed on Laurel Canyon.

And I just had to sit there and let that laughter out.

And I must have laughed for 20 fucking minutes because I could not.

That was the listen.

I fell with him one time on sunset.

He fell with me.

Same thing.

We'll get out of his car and we're talking.

Yeah, yeah, bye-bye.

And I slammed the door.

And we're like, yeah, yeah.

Next thing you know, I'm like, where the fuck is Ralph here?

I look over.

He's out on the street street on Schrader.

No.

Whatever the fuck that street was, Gardner.

Yeah.

There's a fire department right there, and it's sunset.

There's the guitar sign and all that shit.

He's laying on his back on a metal bar.

He cracked, you know how they make a hole, and they fix the street, and they put a metal on top of the street to cover it, and it's got that half inch?

That's what he hit with his foot.

And he just fell and went on his back.

And I'm trying to pick him up, and I'm like, Ralphie, get up.

And he's like, I can't, can't player I can't and I'm trying to pick him up and finally I'm like Ralphie I'm not doing this because they think I'm mugging you people already starting to pull up and go what's that kid doing to him because he's on the floor and I'm trying to pick him up yeah finally a fireman came out he's like what's going on

I can't get this guy up he's like fuck you I get up I just spurt my ankle you didn't hurt your ankle

anything not to say he just fell yeah and I remember picking him up and like for weeks torturing him about that like Ralphie can't keep falling the street fuck you Blair.

I tripped over the thing on the street and shit like that.

But that dollhouse night was something that I'll never forget.

I'll never,

ever forget how funny he was in the dollhouse.

He was all crinkled up.

Oh, like he was all disgusting.

He landed it on his stomach and

it flattened it.

It flattened it.

And we were laughing.

I remember when you called me after you put him in the car,

I had held it in, and I fucking was standing in the backyard crying, laughing.

Did you ever see him fall on Kimmel?

No.

He fell walking out on Kimmel one time, fell on the stairs to do stand-up.

I don't know where I saw the clip, but man,

dude, he was, you know,

it bums me out because you see those clips.

I don't think he really doesn't get the credit he deserves.

No, he never did.

He never got that.

I mean,

he said things.

Do you remember he had that bit about Fat Bastard?

And he goes, Oh, that's funny to you.

Oh, I see black people laughing.

What if we have Black Bastard?

I'm talking, a man so dark, you throw salt in his face, it looks like deep space.

What about Mexican ass bastard?

A grown man with baby teeth, a grown man with baby teeth.

How you gonna be a grown man?

He was so bunking.

His, my favorite bit he ever did was the uh

uh

uh girls, you don't want big dick leaving your pussy looking like a horse reaching for a sugar cube

He was impossible to follow.

He was so likable.

He was such a good guy.

Such a good guy.

Such a fucking guy.

Like, people will never understand that about him.

How many people he helped, how many people he just gave money to out of his pocket.

You know, I mean, he treated me like a fucking king.

He would come back on Mondays with a huge yellow manila envelope filled with cash.

He would take me to a weed store and go buy whatever the fuck you want.

Meanwhile, he was spending two, three Gs.

Two, three Gs in a weed store in the beginning where they would come in, they go, we don't want nobody else in here.

Ralph, he had that type of pull at the weed stores already.

We were going to Cushmart, and they would know.

The owner, I would call the owner, say, Ralph, I'm going to be there in 15 minutes.

All right, I'll leave the back room open for him.

Because he was going in there and dropping $2,000, $3,000.

And then he would put it in his fat.

Remember, he would take the bags of ounces and put it in his fat and get on a plane.

and then he got caught in worm with the weed and the dog died and dog he oh and then he got carried off the boat he got sick on the boat on cowhead's boat yeah cowhead's boat i mean it was just it was just a string of things with the last i think i don't i think i saw him i think i saw him before this but one of the last times i saw him he was on cowhead's cruise

and uh

He did not leave the bed.

He was in the bed the whole time.

And he was like,

ah, player, I'm going through.

I'm tired.

I'm just so tired.

I'm not, I'm not smoking.

I'm not eating.

And then

the Indian guy that worked, like the whatever, the Bellman or whatever, the guy that would like check our rooms, the maid, Indian guy goes, Mr.

Ralphie's lying.

Mr.

Ralphie eats everything.

And he's like, shut up, poon jab.

It was, and he would go, Mr.

Burt, get Mr.

Ralphie out of bed.

Get Mr.

Ralphie out of bed.

We get him out of bed and he, and then he did, well, the only time he got out of bed is to do stand-up.

And, man, he goes, he was like, why don't you close the show, Bert?

And I was like, okay.

And he went up and he fucking put one on them.

Destroyed.

And the guy got up on stage.

I fucking ate a dick.

Couldn't follow him.

It wasn't that he was funny.

It was the likability.

It was like following Dom Marrera back in the day.

He was so likable that you were going to bomb whether he bombed or not.

You were going to bomb because he was very likable.

And that's what Ralphie had.

And though, let me tell you something.

He had a great sense of humor.

Like, the thing that nobody knows is

there used to be a club called Spellbinders.

The improv is there now.

Well, they moved out of that.

Yeah.

Spellbinders was a big-time Houston club.

It was run by a lady named Kim Carnes.

It was one of those clubs.

The Houston improv wasn't there yet.

It was just

the laps.

stop

the lap spot.

The last stop, the last spot.

And then it was that club.

Yeah.

They had four big clubs at one time.

I started calling them, you know, like anybody else.

I get to L.A.

and I'm calling them every week.

Hi, I like to play your club.

I'm in Houston at this club.

I like to go, ah, send the tape.

I ain't sending the tape.

This went on for about six months.

And all of a sudden, I call her one day, Kim or Lynn, whatever her name was.

And I go, I didn't get Clemens to do this.

I dropped Ralphie's name.

I go, well, Ralphie's a dear friend.

And he said to give you a call.

And it was silence.

Silence.

She goes, okay, let me think about it, and I'll call you back.

Okay.

About a month later, I got a couple of lines in me.

I'm by Ralphie's at night, laughing with him.

And

I said, Ralphie, I hope.

I called

Spellbinders and gave him your name.

And he's like, no, you didn't play it.

And I'm like, yeah.

He goes, man, I sued them.

I go, why are you sued them?

He goes, because I fell through the stage.

They didn't fix the stage.

And then somebody told me the story that Ralphie was up there bouncing, and the fucking stage went right down.

He fell right through the stage in front of 200 people.

All you saw was a little head coming up from the stage.

So Ralphie sued him.

I didn't know this shit.

And I'm calling her using his name.

And she's like,

ah.

And all of a sudden, he's telling me that

he went through the stage.

But people were in the apartment.

Our other friends from Houston, they were saying, the stage wasn't broken.

You broke it.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

I sued them.

Didn't I?

I won.

He got on stage with me in Nashville one time, took his shirt off and started dancing.

There's a picture of me and him shirtless on stage.

I was driving to go.

I was driving.

I had to drive to Atlanta to drive to Georgia and see the girls, the girls were over at the lake house.

And I was driving from Nashville to Bowden, and my phone rang, and it was Joe.

And he goes, how dare you?

I shouldn't have to see that fucking picture.

He goes, I'm going to make you start putting your shirt on if I got to see Ralphie with his shirt on.

Oh, my God.

You know, Ralphie had like,

I had a friend.

I'm still friends with the guy.

20 years ago, we're still friends.

I just saw him about a year ago at a comedy club.

He used to have a hot little girlfriend.

Yeah.

I mean, hot.

And you could see she was hot to trot.

She would always come to me, Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey, okay.

How you doing?

Nice to see you.

You know, she dated one of my friends.

I'm not going to hit on her, whatever.

She was too young anyway.

They ended up breaking up.

And one night this girl calls me out of the blue.

I don't even know how she got my number.

She's like, hey, Joey, I'm in Hollywood doing stand-up, and I'm stuck.

I have no money to get home.

Somebody stole my purse.

And I go, well, I'm broke, but...

I got $10 for you to get you home.

And I said, I'm at the comedy store.

I go, meet me up in front.

My intentions intentions were good.

I knew this girl.

She was young.

But when I go to give her 10 bucks, this bitch whips her leg open and shows me a little song.

I'm like, okay, I gave her the 10 bucks.

I didn't say nothing.

I go home.

About three months later, I'm doing a room up in Pasadena.

They always have those one-niners, pick up like $100.

And she was there.

And she was again, like, the shirt was dripping, her tit was coming out, and she's trying to tell me she needs money for this or that.

I gave her 20 bucks, whatever.

I don't hear from her.

And one night I got a call at my house.

I'll never forget this.

It's a Sunday night.

And it's this girl.

She goes, Uncle Joe, I need to talk to you.

I need your help.

And I go, what is the help?

And she goes, I got a movie.

It's SAG, but they want me to pay SAG.

It's $2,500.

Now, at the time, between you and I,

I got $2,250 in the bank, and that's it.

I'm talking about $22.

She needs

So I'm like, let me play this ad for a minute.

This chick has always been kind of freaky.

My wife's in the other room, and I'm just dying with this girl.

I go, so let me ask you this.

If I lend you the $2,500, how are you going to pay me back?

And she goes, well, once the movie shoots, I go, so the movie's three days.

That's $600 a day.

That's $18.

After taxes and commission, that's $1,211.

How are you going to pay me back?

I mean, I want you to have some money.

And she goes, I don't know.

Maybe I can make payments.

I go scratch that.

Let's just do this.

Wear that little thong and a bra, and I'll meet you at the four seasons.

And

there was quiet.

And she goes, and what do I have to do?

I go, what do you think you have to do?

You have to fuck and suck.

We'll have a great time.

She goes, but you'll give me the $2,500?

I go, I'll give it to you before we even start.

We'll meet at the Four Seasons in Marina Del Rey.

I'll get, I got $22 in my pocket.

I'm in no danger.

Yeah.

She says, okay, let me make some plans and I'll get a car and and I'll meet you up there.

I forget all about it.

I'm talking to my wife.

I'm meeting.

Then all of a sudden, my phone rings.

It's Ralphie.

And Ralphie's like, where you at, play?

I'm outside.

Let's go.

I go, what are you doing outside?

He goes, I came home early.

All right.

Never forget, it's a Sunday night.

He was never home on Sunday.

Yeah.

I run downstairs.

I get in the car with Ralphie.

He wants to go do this.

He wants to go get sushi and beverly.

And as we're leaving, the phone rings.

And it's that girl.

And I go, Ralphie, pull over.

And I give Ralphie the low down real quick I go don't say a word I go what's going on and she goes well

I really thought about it and I'll meet you but you're gonna have the money right I go yeah and I go and she goes what exactly do you want me to do I go listen let's fuck a little bit

maybe you could suck my dick maybe you know and she goes hold on I don't like giving ahead and I go well listen it's 2500

You're gonna have to eat.

She goes, but what if I don't want to do that?

I'll fuck you.

And I go, well, I want to light your asshole on fire That's how I said it.

How about I light your ass hole on fire?

And she goes I'll call you right back and Ralphie's fucking dying in the car He's like I can't believe you said that to her She calls back like 20 minutes later She goes I got my uncle to lend me the money

When I told I was gonna light her asshole on fire she went fucking awall I got my uncle and me and Ralphie died for fucking like he just had a different sense of humor for somebody from the South.

I always hit it off with him.

When I first met him, he was living on Joey Medina's Futon, and he broke it

up by Vine up there, Vine off of fucking Santa Monica.

He would just sit there and he'd cook for everybody.

That was always his plan.

He was a great cook.

He was a great cook.

He was a great cook.

And if he had some, he gave you half.

Oh.

That's the way he always.

He came over to the house one time with the family.

August was a baby.

August was strong as fucking shit.

I have a picture somewhere, a video of August holding a fucking six, lifting up a 60-pound kettlebell.

He was like in diapers.

And Ralphie came over and he's like,

he's like, yo, player,

I'm going to make some barbecue.

We'll bring the family together.

And I was like, great.

And he made the best goddamn barbecue.

And he made his own barbecue sauce.

Yeah, he made his own sauce.

He made his own sauce.

And it was so good.

His sister came out to one of my shows

on fully loaded and she made she

she pickled a bunch of like uh of made a bunch of pickles and and like some pickled some vegetables and and made some jams and gave them to us dude that food was in that fucking family the pickles joey are like hamburger size they're so fucking thick and they're so good oh man

i miss him a lot I do too.

As a stand-up comic, I miss him.

I think when he died, some of the class went out in stand-up comedy because he was really a classy guy.

He really did his best to be a classy guy on all levels.

He ran into whatever he ran into in the end.

But I miss him like that.

When I see those clips, I go, Jesus Christ, the damage he would be doing today.

Oh, my God.

The damage he would be doing.

Remember, that was a 20-year run.

He won last comic.

What, 2007?

He lost.

Yeah, he lost.

He came in second.

He really won.

He really won.

Yeah, oh, Oh, yeah, he did.

But he lost.

And, you know, I was supposed to open for him in Houston, but I got Spider-Man 2.

Yeah.

So that was 2003.

What am I saying?

Yeah, it was 2003 because Georgia was born in 2004.

I did Last Comic Standing 2, which was 2004.

Okay.

And, yeah, Georgia, it premiered.

Last Comic Standing premiered on June

7th,

2004, because I was in the hospital holding Georgia watching me on Last Comic Standing 2.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I was like, man, thank God I didn't get on fucking last time at Comic Standing.

That would have fucking ruined me, Joey.

I would have been, I would have never become a good comic.

I just would have been that guy who had 10 minutes and thought, was, did whatever he thought America thought he should do.

Ugh.

You know, it's crazy, like the little blessings.

But yeah, Ralphie, man, he was just,

I really do miss him.

And I miss him.

I miss a lot of people from stand-up.

There was a lot of good people.

You should call him and see who has his phone now.

No, I don't call him.

I still got his number in there.

I've never erased it.

Yeah.

We lost a lot of good people to comedy, you know, over the years.

And it's like the comedy store.

I love the comedy store, but I can't walk in there anymore because the piano player's not there.

God, I forgot.

And that's my boy.

That was always my boy, whether he was gay, whatever.

Yeah, he had a heart attack, but

he was a unique dude.

And he made my career because he's the one that said, Joey, dance.

Go up there and dance, and I'll play music for you.

And I'm like, what?

And he goes, I saw you dancing the other day in the hallway.

You had me killing me.

Dance up there.

And I was just that.

We started dancing.

God.

You know, he was just, there was just too many people that, I don't know.

I don't know.

It's.

But I do miss Ralphie.

I miss Marilyn Martinez.

I know her.

She was a comedy store chick.

She's the one that told me how to stop snorting Coke before she died.

She died like 10 days later.

She's like, God wants you to stop smoking, doing

Coke.

In the middle of a conversation, we were talking, and she looked at me and she goes,

God wants you to stop snorting Coke.

And I was like, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

But she never talked to me about my drug addiction.

So for that night, for her to say that, it blew me the fuck away.

Wow.

Well, I'm glad you're doing better with the fucking lung shit.

That's scary as fuck.

I learned a lot from Ralphie.

Ralphie was

very stand-up conscious, more than anybody else at the time.

When he wore the yellow jacket, bigger and blacker,

I asked him why he wore it.

And he goes, because if they're watching TV, they're going to stop when they see that yellow jacket.

There were so many little things he already knew.

You know, you got to remember, he was blowing up fucking stages when nobody knew who he was, getting $200.

And I saw it.

I saw him go, and I would go, fuck, when that guy starts hitting, it's going to be scary.

Dude, it's going to be scary.

And I was right.

I was fucking right.

When he started hitting, it was destroying rooms.

We used to torture him because in the beginning when I first met him, I would go, how'd you do tonight?

And he go, player, I got a stand ovation.

I made out with three chicks.

And then every night he took somebody with him, the girl would always go, you didn't make out with three chicks yes i did i made out with the one chick in the back and then in the car she's like you didn't make out with her and we would just torture him he would come to me and go i know ralphi you got a standing ovation and you made out with three chicks god damn it i did i did again

i think i had four and i fingered the one girl

you know he was

one one the creepiest thing ever happened with me and him

because i think he did san francisco did he do san Francisco?

I think so, yeah.

Did you do it?

Did you ever do that?

I quit.

I quit the second night.

Oh, I've never, I never could have done it, and I would have been horrible.

I'm like, this is a fucking nightmare.

I bet he would have done that.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think he did.

I think he did.

Because I remember doing one of the gigs with him, and we're getting on the elevator, and his keys fell, and there was a little hole on the floor.

And this could only happen to Ralphie.

The keys.

fell in that fucking hole and we couldn't leave.

He had to get a locksmith to come fucking open up the elevator.

The elevator guy had to come

and get his fucking keys.

Or if not, he had to make them.

It was a fucking nightmare.

And I remember him going, man, I only made $200.

This locksmith wants $250 or something.

He was like, we were fucking just struggling.

Yeah.

And it's so weird how I was in Vegas one time opening for Joe.

This has to be 1998.

He was just wrapping up news radio.

Yeah.

And we were doing the Riviera.

The Riviera had that dirty show on Friday and Saturday night.

And I'm in my flight there on Southwest.

Slash is on the plane.

I go, that's so fucking weird.

Slash is on the plane.

No, it's 98.

They weren't really touring at the time.

I don't know what Guns and Rose was doing.

But when we got to Vegas, I did the show with Joe, and then like at one, I couldn't sleep.

So I went to walk around, and I saw Slash.

He goes, hey, how you doing?

How you doing, man?

He goes, I know you're from the store, right?

And I go, yeah, yeah.

You're friends with Chewy.

And we just started talking.

And I don't know how we got into conversation.

He goes,

the best part of what you're doing in your career, you're living it right now.

He goes, once

you make it, you start doubting.

And it's not really a struggle anymore.

But I want you to remember these times when you struggled.

When you didn't have money for cigarettes, when you, you know, didn't have money for a hotel.

Because this is the shit that makes you.

And a lot of people don't,

what's the word I'm trying to use?

They don't process this.

Yeah.

This is, you have to keep this with you every day, the struggle that you did.

It's not about Lamborghinis and private planes.

That struggle has to, that's what keeps me alive.

That little struggle, knowing that, you know, I had to break into somebody's house to sleep on the road one time.

Yeah.

Like I was walking, I had, the place didn't have a hotel.

And I took a bus there.

And I still remember like the bus wasn't coming until until 8 in the morning.

It's 4.

And I'm walking around.

It's freezing.

And there was a guy who had like a little fucking window.

And I just broke in there and put a garbage bag on top of me and slept until the bus came.

I still honor that.

I still think about that memory and go, wow.

And I got on the bus like nothing happened and went to the next town and picked up my 50 fucking dollars.

You know?

God, yeah.

It's the struggle.

The struggle is.

I remember Ralphie said to me one time, he said,

my first special, Comfortably Dumb, was coming out.

And he said, he's like, Playa,

you better hope for a snowstorm.

I said, why?

It was in February.

I think it came out in February.

Pray for a snowstorm, Berg Kreischer.

He goes, my special came out and there was a blizzard and the numbers are through the roof.

Everyone's in the house.

And he goes, you don't want rain.

Rain takes out the electricity.

You want snow.

And when

Hey Big Boy came out on Netflix, I wanted to text him so bad.

He was already dead, but I wanted to text him so bad

because

Hey Big Boy came out three days after stay-at-home orders.

And I was like, Ralphie, I got better than a snowstorm.

The entire country is forced to be inside.

And my special just dropped.

I remember hearing Ralphie's voice in my head going, oh, shit, a pandemic.

A pandemic's better than a snowstorm player.

God.

So what are your plans now that for the rest of the year I know you got a tour coming it's not huge right no it's big it's big how long does this last it's uh

starts in September and it'll be uh I'm going abroad with it and it's arenas so yeah I go I'm doing Red Rocks again you should come out and do Red Rocks with me yeah I'll do Red Rocks

yeah it's been a while that would be blast you should be such a great fucking place dude I fuck it's my favorite place it's my favorite venue the world the world yeah come out and do very well I used to go see bands there Yeah.

And I was always like blown the fuck away when I would go there, how beautiful it was, and the walk up there, and the mushrooms, and the fucking chicks, and the whole fucking.

It is great, man.

When are you in Red Rocks?

October 1st?

Yeah, I'll come out with you because I got a bunch of.

I'm picking up some dates in the fall.

Two dates a month.

Yeah.

Casinos, shit like that.

God, that would be great to have you out there.

Yep, October 1st.

It's a Wednesday.

Okay, that's even better.

October 1st, Red Rock.

I got to go out there.

I miss Colorado.

Yeah.

I can't convince the girls to go out there with me.

It's killing me.

Joe was just there two months ago, and he was...

I just miss it.

I just want the girls to see it.

Oh, yeah.

I was talking to Joe on the phone when he was out there.

Yeah, when he was out there.

I want the girls to see it.

I want them to see where God's land.

That's what I call it.

I'll tell you what.

We do it right when we do Colorado.

I'll have Leanne reach out to Terry and

we'll set it up.

It is so.

How do you do it?

How do you do it?

We rent out

a whole hotel that's all on a river and in Evergreen.

And we rent out the whole hotel and everyone's there.

It's so fucking great, Joey.

It's so great.

I need a couple of days in Colorado.

Yeah, okay.

I'm excited for Red Rock.

We were thinking about where to go in August, and I'm like, Colorado's just not.

I mean, you want to see it in the summertime, but but you also want to see it in the winter.

Fuck yeah.

You know, I love all that shit.

Like, I would start in Aspen and take them back down Independence Pass because that only opens three months a year, two and a half months a year.

And you better catch it by mid-September.

If not, you're fucking done.

God, Colorado's so fucking good.

It's fucking great.

And I was going to move there, Bert.

I was already moved there.

I was going to move to

the other slope, Grand Junction, towards there.

I was going to go away from Aspen, Telly Ride.

That's where I wanted to move.

Wow.

And I saw a couple of houses that I could afford.

The problem was

it fucking, there was not going to be school for a year.

It was closed.

I was moving during the pandemic, and they had already said no school till at least January, maybe the whole year.

I can't have her in the house till January.

No fucking way.

It wasn't healthy for Isla.

And Jersey, they had school already.

They would, you know, it was very, uh, they would close one day or whatever, but at least they tried it.

Yeah.

They had the computers and it sucked for everybody, whether you had to go to,

it's kind of weird that this last week, last Monday was five years since that fucking thing.

This is the pandemic, St.

Patty's Day.

Oh, shit.

Everything got shut down on the 14th, which was Friday.

I was coming to New York City to shoot the

finish the Soprano movie.

Yeah.

And I was going to come in on Tuesday, do NIAC on Wednesday and Thursday.

And then that weekend, I was going to buy a house.

That's what I was doing that week.

And then me and my wife were coming back April 4th.

That was the plan to close the house and get everything moved.

All of a sudden, a pandemic happened, and I couldn't come back.

And I thought about coming back, but the guy who spread COVID was the Jewish guy who went to Italy to ski.

And he came back to his neighborhood, and everybody got it.

So I'm like, I'm not going to.

Looks like I'm not going to Bergen County.

We wanted to definitely get out.

Like at that point, we were like, we got to get the fuck out of here.

I saw a Latin King's tattoo

by the park, and I saw one by the school.

Yeah.

The school where our kids went to.

I saw that.

I just saw a lot of shit.

Like, now they say that neighborhood is not good.

Yeah.

Everybody had to put fences up.

People just walk into your yard.

There's people.

That was the our last straw where we're like we're like we're gonna get out of the neighborhood was uh

lean a over guy a guy overdosed in our front yard

lean had to call 911 and she's on face time with me like there's a guy he's passed out in our front yard he's he's overdosed and they came in they gave him narcan and he woke up and they took him to the hospital but it was like yeah And that was when we were redoing the house, man.

That was when it was getting scary, too, because once you put a fucking port-a-potty in your front yard, you become a homeless fucking haven.

Every homeless guy in the world took a shit in that front yard.

We had to empty that port-a-potty like twice a week because homeless guys would, there was, I pulled up one time and there was a line in my front, like a guy was waiting to take a shit in my port-a-potty in my front yard.

And I was like, all right, I'm fucking.

Where do you live now?

Up north?

Yeah, we live over in Sherman Oaks.

It's kind of funny how

everybody kept saying, something's going on with those comedians.

They're all leaving in a rush.

We'll find out in time.

There was nothing going on.

It was just time to go.

If you were there.

I think it was the right time for everyone to be here.

It was the right time.

It was right for me.

And it hurt me to leave and it bothered me a little bit.

But I knew that I didn't want to raise my daughter there.

That area was getting worse

and I didn't see the point anymore.

You could live anywhere right now and do comedy.

You can live anywhere.

It broke my heart to leave the store and it broke my heart to leave my friends, but I had to do it for myself and for my family.

I'd done, you know, this is another thing I look at and I look at

and when I say this, it's a little hypocritical.

Because if I knew what I knew now, I would have got out of L.A.

in 2013, 2014.

If I knew what I knew now, I would have gotten out of L.A.

in 2008.

But the the problem was, I also enjoyed what was happening at the comedy store

from 2008.

I mean, how fucking lucky were we to be at the comedy store

and be in L.A.

when the guy now that has changed the landscape of media in general was creating the thing.

And I mean, those early episodes of Rogan, like, I mean,

I love Joe, but I think he's so much smarter than me that I get lost when he tells me things.

Like, I do his podcast now, and I just sit there and nod.

I'm like, I'm like, I'm not as smart as you, Joe.

He knows so much shit about so much shit.

I'm like, like, but those early Rogans when he was just a meathead, those were the fucking, the funniest fucking podcast.

You used to go on there and go crazy.

You knew it that you were going to get a, you knew you were going to get a great response.

When I went on Rogan, I knew I was going on Johnny Carson in the 70s.

Yeah.

I knew that everything I had to say had to be fucking gold.

Yeah.

If not, it's going to, you know, and I read a thing about a year ago, comics, like, I went on there and nothing happened for me.

Well, bitch, you went on there talking that oiky-doikey shit you talk about.

You got to go outside the box in Rogan.

I said some shit that I dread saying on Rogan.

Dread saying.

I got like four people on Facebook that they want to throw me under the jail for what I said about them on Facebook.

I really don't care.

It was true, and it was that time to say it.

It was 40 fucking years ago.

And that's what I've always thought a podcast is is about to be fucking crazy but then they started telling you what we can't and can't say now I haven't given a fuck in five years you want to cancel me yeah try it

who gives a fuck I say whatever the fuck I want now I really do I really

it why

why because I'm hurting your feelings I'm I wasn't put on this planet to fucking help your feelings and I wasn't here to hurt your feelings but if you're getting hurt by what comes out of your mouth go fuck yourself one and that goes for everybody one of the producers was i was of the one of the tv shows i was doing it's like i watched your special are you are you concerned and i said about what she goes well some of the stuff you say you know you afraid you're gonna get you know in trouble and i was like i was like i that's yourself i go honey i can't even tell you the thing you're talking about i don't even know what you're talking about so i have no fucking problem i don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning like

it's crazy it just became something else and people, but you keep doing what you're doing and fuck them.

Let them fucking worry about it.

Fuck them.

Let them worry about it.

You know,

it's sad that we can't say the shit we wanted to.

Some people don't want that shit said.

You know, and I get it.

There's a lot of people out there that do shit just for attention.

And you're not getting nowhere.

This is a business at the end of the day.

So that nonsense you're talking, this is a business.

So you think about it, but you're going to go say what's in your heart.

Like

about a month ago, Selena Gomez went off about the Mexicans.

She was crying.

And I saw a guy that I know from L.A.

He's way older than me, about 65.

Family did a lot in Hollywood.

He comes from a big-time Hollywood family.

He had one show as a writer, and you think he wrote, you think he's Martin Scorsese.

He only wrote one thing, and they put him on that just as there was a lot of shows going on.

They put him on there as a writer.

He's never worked again.

He lives on a trust fund.

And the day or two after that whole Selena Gomez thing, this guy put on his Facebook, I side with Selena Gomez.

Whatever.

I agree with Selena Gomez.

And I looked at that statement.

Let's pretend he's 65, 66.

Why would you say something like that?

Because now you go to your fucking coffee shop and your little white friends are going to tell you, you're so brave.

Oh my God, we side with Selena Gomez too.

What makes a man say that?

I don't know.

That's LA.

That's that whole mindset of, you know, I see people now that hate Joe Rogan because they can't work his club.

Oh, yeah.

There's a bunch of people that hate him now because

he made Trump the president.

You know, all that dumb shit that I just look at and go, what the fuck are you talking about?

You know,

it's just just so sad that for a while we let it,

we can't.

We're comics.

We're not actors.

We're not LA people.

We're fucking comics.

You want to talk about politics?

Do it on your own fucking time or make it funny, but now you're making it your end-all-be-all.

That's not what we did.

Older comics tend to go to politics because obviously they run out of material.

You know, obviously you just can't say no more Mercy stories or Terry stories or Tyler stories.

So you switch over.

But

I never wanted to forget who the fuck I was.

That was never going to happen in this fucking thing.

That was never going to happen for me.

And that's what you see now.

You see people who forgot what the fuck they were.

At the end of the day, were just dirty comics.

Don't look at it past that.

There's no genius here.

He's a genius.

There's no genius here.

I could be doing this for money.

I could do it on a corner in Jersey and a Delhi for my crazy friends.

There's no genius here.

Yeah.

You know, he's a great actor.

Well, listen, I know he went to England, but Queen Latifah fell off a fucking boat in Newark, and she could act.

So what are we getting here?

They gave themselves too much tapping on the back.

Yeah.

You know, Daniel Day-Lewis, go fuck yourself.

Go suck my dick.

You know, nothing bothers me more when they say he's a funny comedian.

Again, I'm not putting him down.

What's the guy's name that was married to the chick from Sandout Live, the blonde?

Will Arnett?

Will Arnett.

Will Arnett's a sweetheart of a guy, but don't call him a comedian around me ever again.

He's a comedic actor.

That's a big difference.

That's when there is a director and they say, cut.

Let's say that again.

We don't work with a director.

We are the director of our party.

So I think that everything got out of control when you say comedian.

You know, it's like I saw something online a couple months ago about podcasters are a lot funny on the podcast than they are.

These podcasters want to go on the road now.

You never did stand-up and you're selling a lot of theater because, but you're not saying nothing to them that's worth it.

No, you know,

we worked at it.

This is what the fuck we do.

Oh, I'm way better at comedy than I am podcasting.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not a journalist.

I sell.

I interrupt.

I fucking talk over people.

I tell a story that is like your story, but I think it's better.

I'm like the worst at podcasting.

I have fun because I get to hang out with my friends.

And then people enjoy it.

And if people don't enjoy it, then don't enjoy it.

But yeah, it's

yeah, it's funny, man.

Yeah.

Do you remember when Ralphie tore down Seth Rogan's picture at the improv?

They put up Seth Rogen as one of the

comics.

And Ralphie fucking lost his mind.

Yeah, because that was...

Lost his mind.

What is this insult all of a sudden that you're comparing them to us?

Or comparing, I can't act.

I can't go up against fucking, you know, Daniel Day Lewis.

Yeah.

But don't, don't, don't say this guy's a comedic, a comedian.

He's not a comedian.

He's a comedic actor.

Yeah.

And that's why I take my pride that I don't have a director.

You know, Roseanne is crazy as batshit, but she was on Larry King Live.

And she said it best.

When you're a comedian, you're a producer.

You're an actor.

You're a writer.

You're a director.

You do it all, bitch.

We do it all.

Yeah.

We do it all without even knowing what we're doing.

They do something, they call it producing.

My producer night, go fuck yourself.

You call three guys, you give them $100, they come down and do comedy.

What producer?

You couldn't fucking produce a pillow fight.

What fucking producer are you?

So all these titles, it's like directors.

They got a camera now.

They're a director.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

That's why there's so many shitty movies on Apple and all these fucking streaming.

They got tons of stuff on those streaming stuff.

You're just not going to watch it.

It's some guy who got a camera, directed a short, then became a director, and somebody paid him for it.

And you're like, what the fuck is this?

We all are around giving ourselves pats on the back.

And that's not what this is about.

We're dirty comics.

That's it.

I don't want to, nobody wants to hear nothing out of my mouth except for stupidity.

Except for the birds.

They don't want to hear me talk about what I think about China relations.

And I don't even know.

I don't even know.

I'd go to war.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm still waiting for fucking Israel to blow up everything.

So this week, they shot Kennedy now.

It's like that.

Like we have these people that are fucking into who shot Kennedy, who's on the Epstein list.

It's not going to make a difference in your life.

You're still going to be a stiff, and you're still going to have to jerk off three times a day.

It's none of your business.

It's on the Epstein list.

Like, you're ever going to find that.

You're never going to, all these white people walking around.

Oh, my God.

Like, I was on the elevator at the hospital one day, and some guys on there, like, I can't wait till they release the Kennedy list.

Why?

He got shot in the head 60 fucking years ago.

Yeah.

Who gives a fuck fuck who shot him?

We can't bring him back.

They're all dead now, too.

But we worry as Americans about the dumbest things that have nothing to do with us and how we're going to move forward.

Fuck all that nonsense.

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want Diddy.

I don't give a fuck about Pete Diddy.

I don't give a fuck about who was on his list.

He never invited me to get my dick sucked, so fuck him.

Right or wrong.

They never fucking invited me.

They never invited you.

I never got invited.

Yeah.

Well, that's the end of this podcast.

That's going to stick this room up.

Joey, I love you.

I love you too, man.

It was great.

I love you to death.

It's so good.

I'm happy you had me on.

Oh, that's a good thing.

Okay.

What do you got?

Dates.

What do you got, my brother?

Permission to Party World Tour starts September September 19th.

And Joey Diaz and I will be at Red Rocks on

October 1st.

I got New Jersey Pack.

June 28th.

Tickets sold out, but don't buy any tickets at that

one twenty.

Don't waste your time.

Wait till the day of the show.

I got uh Moontower.

Two shows are sold out.

They're done.

Nice.

And I got Philadelphia May 18th, a Parsh Casino, and a date in August.

Tickets on sale now.

And that's it.

I love you to death.

I love you too, man.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Fuck it up.

Bert and Tom.

Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.