2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

My new special lucky is streaming right now on Netflix.

Check it out.

100%

Wait, wait, oh, wait, hold on.

Our words are being streamed to the people out there?

Yeah.

That's a horrific idea.

I thought so, too.

Well, whose idea was this?

So they're just going to be standing there, and Tom and I are going to be talking about fucking

gay booty shorts and Adobe music.

Yeah.

Oh, cool.

So it's not like a really weird EDM song.

That music's going to stay on.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Shit.

I almost, I almost wore my new underwear.

Should we start up?

Should we.

If it's streaming live, should we start with

these fat niggas just launched their own crypto on Solana?

That's an AI thing, right?

I love it.

I love my fat nigga.

Besides making money, these niggas love.

Can I tell you?

This is crazy.

season.

I listen to this all.

I listen to it too much.

Yo, shut the fuck up.

It's fat cracker season.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's roll.

Yo, shut the fuck up.

It's fat cracker season.

Hey, there he is.

Well, you were.

You were adamant on the last pod that

you were like, Fat N-words, fat N-words.

That's my obsession.

I love it.

I'm always playing Fat N-Words.

And then

we were doing searches for it.

No one could find it.

No one could find it.

It wasn't like a song that came up in the results of like Spotify or Apple or any of that.

And by the way, they're big fans of mine.

We found them.

The people that people that run the account, they're big fans of mine.

It's AI.

It's AI.

And it is so engaging that I got to be honest with you, I wish it was a TV show.

I would follow these guys.

They're going to Dubai to close a new oil deal for P.

Diddy Baby Oil.

And

it just delivers.

Can I tell you what?

It just delivers.

Every time I hear it, it makes me smile.

So

shut the the fuck up it's fat nigga season

it's fat nigga season

these fat niggas just launched their own crypto on salon

bridge that shit nigga look at these fly ass fat niggas

i love my fat nigga besides making money these niggas love eating you know the thing is or the problem with that what it's so catchy that it makes you think it's okay to say it i know you know what i mean so it's like one of those songs where you're like i everyone's having a good time

like

why can't I have a good time with them?

I was in my hotel room today.

And you're just singing it to yourself.

Should I?

Yeah.

Should I?

But I'm always afraid I'm going to get recorded.

The worst is, so Shaq called me up the other day.

He's like, yo, can you do my podcast?

Our guest fell out.

So I was like, yeah, we'll zoom.

And the first question he said, he goes, have you found the clip?

Yeah.

I played it for him.

And he lost his mind.

And he was like, do not say that ever.

Yeah.

Never.

He knows.

Oh, he knows.

And you know what I do is I just go up to to Leanne and I go, God, I love this time of year.

And she'd go, really?

What time of year is it?

And I go, yo, shut the fuck up.

It's fat cracker season.

No, you say it fat overseas.

No, no, I play it.

I play it.

If I can have that as my ringtone.

You can.

Can I get that as my ringtone?

Of course.

Will you set that up as my ringtone right now?

Oh, my God.

But let me ask you this.

Oh, my God.

You're obsessed with this.

Be honest.

Okay.

I'll be honest.

Okay.

When you're alone, you actually say it, right?

Nope, I have not said it yet.

I have not said it yet.

I swear to God.

Can I just tell you something?

I know when you're lying.

So

it's okay.

You say it.

I have not said it yet.

I have not said it yet.

So you put on Wu-Tang Clan, you go, shame on anyone who tries to run game on anyone.

Oh, I sing the N-word, yes.

That's what I was getting.

Don't look shocked like I just told you your dad fucks your mom.

Like, come on, it's real.

Yeah, when you, when you're singing, and listen, I don't think you're supposed to, but I'm old school.

I'm grandfathered in.

I'm 52.

Hip-hop came out when I was a kid.

No, you were probably older than a kid.

No, I was a kid.

I saw it on 2020.

They had it on 2020.

They were like, these blacks are dancing and singing in a whole new way.

And you're like, I like this.

I did.

I did.

I saw it on 2020.

I was like, I think I'm going to get into this.

I found hip-hop.

That's the widest way you could discover hip-hop.

It's a news magazine show being like, there's an all new movement starting called rap.

I went to Philadelphia the next summer and they had, they played hip-hop.

They played uh Mantronics I think was the name of the band and I was like oh John Stossel just covered this on 2020.

Oh my god and my cousins were like huh?

Yeah baseline but Mantronics I think song was the song was baseline and then the interesting thing is you said the song's actually it's fat n-word season season

because of Chet Hanks hold on did you see how good Chet Hanks is in this fucking TV show No, no idea.

The Netflix TV show about Genie Buss, Chet Hanks plays like a loose out of control kind of

he's so good.

Is he?

He's really talented.

He's not tall enough to look like a basketball player.

He's like a little stocky.

So that pulls me out of it.

But I just want to say shout out to Chet Hanks.

Remember Ben Affleck and

Matt Damon, they did that movie about Jordan signing with Nike?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it was called.

One of the things that took me out of the movie is the actor, they don't show his face.

But the guy that they clearly, he's supposed to be Michael, he's like 6'1 ⁇ .

And you're watching this thing and you're like, why wouldn't you just...

Because the whole thing is they were like, we don't want to show somebody's face because he's so iconic.

You're just going to go, that's not him.

So they shoot it in a way where like he walks in rooms and you're seeing like, you know, profiles and like shit.

Like the way they shot the shark and jaws.

Kind of.

But you're like, this guy's clearly not 6'6.

Why wouldn't you just cat?

I don't understand.

Yeah.

All you need is 6'6 and black.

That's it.

6'6 and black.

That's fucking like a diamond.

That's like a fucking blonde with big tits.

They're everywhere, you know?

Blondes with big tits are everywhere.

Yeah, especially.

They're here, too.

By the way, can we just talk about where we are?

Yeah.

Can we, and can we get, just pipe in the audio for the fat N-word season just

so they know what they're what they're in store for?

We just see everyone walk out.

Yo, shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

No, I tell you why I like that.

I'll tell you why I like that.

Yeah.

It is AI.

But I just like, I love that there's they have them doing stuff that I don't think they would really do.

Yeah.

Like they have them snorkeling.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I just see it and it makes me giggle.

And then, but it does have him doing like legit like fat guy stuff where fat fella stuff where they like sitting with a white chick and a cigar in a banana suit.

Just like.

There's this thing too that like

because there's something where black guys can just make anything cool that they They're like the first guys to be like, nah, if you're a fat, if you're a fat motherfucker, that's cool too.

Yeah.

Because like Biggie, you know, I think of like him and Big pun and fat joe and all those guys were like yeah we're fat we're fat as and so what and they were still cool do you know what i feel bad for about black guys so many things

yeah what's one of what's one of the number one on the list they don't get to put all of their dick in a vagina

they only can put like the first like the little beginning of it Because they have big dicks.

Not all.

All black guys have big dicks.

No.

I got to take you to this gym I've been going to.

i was talking to shaq and i was like you don't you'll never know what it's like to put your whole dick in a vagina uh-huh and like be like and still have room and what did he say think of that he he got really shy he was like i don't know no he was like uh no mine actually fits no he can he he can only put like the head

yeah when you have a big dick you can only put the head of your dick in the person yeah and then you just go like you have to you have to kind of like It's almost like jerking off in a vagina.

Sometimes in porn, sometimes you watch the guy, if you're like really dialed in, you'll watch him giving her a quarter of his dick sometimes you're like this guy's got a hammer on him and he's not slammed like he's like taking it easy on her I don't actually I think I'm I'm on the I'm changing opinions on big dicks I think I'm glad I got a pretty medium dick yeah like a medium dick is the best dick to have the biggest dick is the is this best for show that's the only reason I want a big dick is to show men is to be like at the gym pull my dick out and be like what do you guys think now yeah that's the only reason I want a big dick I don't want a big dick for a woman no like I don't want want to take it out and her go oh that's gonna hurt and you're like the one yeah the one who goes oh that's all i've wanted 10 inches and as big as a liquid death can she's so deeply traumatized like mentally you know her upbringing was not ideal and she's the one who's like that looks perfect that's not a chick you really want to settle down with you know you want a girl who wants a normal size dick i i think Yeah, I don't know.

I like, I like, like, Leanne's boobs are perfect.

They're perfect.

Perfect.

I mean, like, perfect.

And they're just getting better.

Like, I gotta be honest with you.

With age?

I settled on those boobs.

I gotta be dead honest with you.

Yeah.

When I met her, I settled for her.

I went, the boobs aren't bad.

They're not bad.

They're not perfect, but they're not bad.

I go, the ass is great.

The face is, I mean,

the fucking personality, home run, boobs, pretty good.

Wait, you liked the personality.

I loved the personality when I met her.

Yeah.

It's gotta be.

I was gonna say, I've heard some different opinions.

Over the years, you definitely have changed.

So the tits got better.

The personality soured.

But the tits have gotten so much better.

That doesn't usually happen.

I know.

Well, you know what?

They were really perky.

I wish I had video of them.

They were really perky when I met her.

Like, really perky.

I was going to say, you can make one.

Really, really perky.

And then as she's, and when she got pregnant, they got huge and they never went down.

Yeah.

And they're, and they've always stayed perfect.

Now that's great, man.

Yeah, I'm like really happy with her tits

that's really cool man yeah she's gotten she's gotten too skinny in my opinion too skinny yeah she's doing uh she's doing one of those i don't know if i should talk about one of those uh

you know

uh-huh

and uh you know yeah and uh

and she's gotten really skinny and i'm like i kind of liked her a little bigger yeah you really are like a black guy yeah you're wearing their clothes you want your thick woman i want a thick woman just just you know i put her in ai and I jerk off to those pictures.

It's insane.

That's real love.

You really love it.

She said, this hurt her feelings, but I thought it was the right thing to say.

Yeah.

Because

I'll show you the picture.

She got, by the way, she got mad at you when you showed me a picture that was AI at that party.

Remember, you're like, I'm going to show Tom this AI.

And then she jumped and grabbed the phone.

Yeah.

I drew this picture.

And I was like, and then she goes, I don't even look like that.

And I go, I don't jerk off to these.

I look, jerk off to the ones where you're a little bigger.

And she was like, what?

And I was like, yeah, the thicker ones.

those are the ones I, or when she's blonde.

Oh, fuck, yeah, she looks so good, blonde.

I mean, I just do blonde pictures of her and go, just dye your fucking hair.

What are we waiting for?

Why won't you do that?

Uh, she just, you know, I don't know.

She, I don't know, man.

That could be a nice like anniversary gift.

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Hey, when's this come out?

My special's dropped, right?

Well, check out my special, lucky streaming right now on Netflix.

There you go.

There you go.

That's my plug.

Where'd you shoot it?

I shot it

in the Mahafi in St.

Pete.

Okay.

And I'm touring again.

I set up a new tour.

I know.

I know.

I'm so excited.

I feel like I, but I'm really at a place where I go, I realize why I like touring.

It distracted me from everything.

Yeah.

Right.

I know.

When I haven't toured, Tom, all I do is like, I've gotten crazy, like crazy.

And so I'm like, I announced a tour, and the second I announced a tour, I started relaxing.

Yeah.

Makes you feel better.

Yeah.

Are you doing the whole, are you doing a certain region?

Are you like, is it a whole

just

two months?

Or is this going to be like...

It's going to be September, October, November, December.

And then

I have a big event planned in January, which we haven't announced yet.

We'll announce in the summer.

Okay.

And then

I'm thinking I'm going to do a movie for a little bit and and then go back on tour.

Great.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's cool.

Okay.

It's crazy, man.

Being off has really made me question, like,

what motivates me.

What do you think it is?

I don't, man.

I, you know, can I tell you, I'm, I think that

I want to go back to college.

I want to go back to college when, like, I didn't have any motivation for anything.

And everything was just about exploring the day and just going, like, what are we got doing?

What are we doing today?

Like, didn't, didn't, I never thought about tomorrow.

I never thought about September.

I never, in college, I never went like, I wonder what I'm going to do September.

You know, what's my summer going to look like?

I was always like, what's going on this weekend?

That's the big fucking move.

And like, I want to get back to that because I feel like I'm so overwhelmed with like career goals, legacy.

That's the thing that's really fucking me up is I actually thought the other day, I was like, maybe I'll quit comedy and just go be of service to people because like what?

So what, you die and then people make fun of you the day you die because you're a comedian and then no one talks about you.

I mean, we've had so many friends that happens, and you go, okay.

Doesn't seem like the fucking good way to go out.

You really think about that?

I think about that, yeah.

I've never

thought.

Are you serious?

Zero.

Zero percent.

Zero.

Zero percent have I ever thought about.

You don't think it's sad to think that, like, so Ralphie just died and he was a great comic, but no one talks about him.

Right.

Yeah, it's just the way it goes.

Greg Giraldo's dead.

His kids doing comedy.

No one ever like mentions just what a great guy Greg was and what a great comic he was, how talented he was.

No, no one, no one brings it up.

Well, a few people.

That's the reason.

I just did.

George Carlin died, and I would say

most people

35 and under,

that name doesn't even ring a bell.

No.

It's just the way it goes.

If you ask Peter who George Carlin is, he'd go, is he working right now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really think he wouldn't know?

Peter would never know.

Did you know who he was?

You did know.

From what?

Your parents?

You just knew yourself?

Yeah.

Most people.

I was asking Tanner off camera.

Most people, I would think, don't know.

So then what's the goal?

So you want to be like...

No, no, no.

I want none of it to matter to me.

That's what I want.

I don't want to try to make myself

carry on a legacy or be important to the world, any of that.

I don't want any of that.

I just want to genuinely not want it.

Does that make sense?

Like, I wanted to genuinely not care.

I don't care about your legacy.

So, like, what if I just was like,

like, my grandmother didn't give a fuck.

She just died, right?

Yeah.

And then she died.

And then she just knew that we'd always talk about her.

Yeah.

And we're like, cool.

But she just, she just did good things around the community and she was like a good person.

I was like, okay, I don't want to think on the larger scale.

What I want to do is get to a place where I was in college, where I just thought about the end of the day and thought, that's how I lived, in the moment.

And now I'm not living in the moment.

And I've been off for so long.

I'm living less and less in the moment every fucking day.

Okay.

So yeah, so that's my goal is to

get back to a place where i just it seems attainable man i know i'm in a lot of therapy right now are you i'm in doubles i have couples therapy and single therapy yeah it's like all i do is talk about fucking things well these seems like real therapy thoughts yeah i know but do you feel good about it you know what's crazy is i'm happier than i've ever been in my entire life yeah i really am I really am.

The girls are self-sustainable.

They're having a fucking blast.

I love my job.

I love what I do.

I love my wife.

I love my house.

I love everything.

I want for nothing except I don't want to think about tomorrow.

I just want to think about right now, and I'm not there yet.

Oh, I got it.

Once you get to that place where you can be super present about today, that's the goal.

Yes.

But if you're working on that, I bet you can get there.

I'm trying so hard.

I'm thinking about, do you think if you take SSSRIs, do you think that it makes you just a little happier?

So I'm not depressed, but I wouldn't mind being a little happier.

I don't know.

I've never been on them, so I wouldn't know.

Is you on SSSRIs?

SSRIs?

Okay.

Were you depressed?

Okay, well, you don't count.

Was I depressed?

Yeah.

Were you depressed when you got on them?

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, really?

Did it make you a little happier?

Yeah, like you're like, you're about to get depressed, and then like you're like, oh, wait, no, I'm chilling.

But then I just wanted to feel sad, so I was just like, cold turkey on you.

I think it should get out of motivated.

Yeah.

No, I was motivated still.

Really?

Are there any great men on SSSRIs?

Great men.

Like, like,

He's trying to think of innovators and world leaders that are.

Kim Jong-un.

That would be

a thing if they put Kim Jong-un on SSSRIs.

It's just two S's.

SS.

Yeah.

SSRIs.

SSRIs.

Yeah.

Did I just develop a lisp in the middle of that?

Yeah, you did.

SSSRIs.

Look at Kingman's bod.

Can we talk about where we are real quick?

Yeah, we didn't even get to that.

God, look at him, man.

He's fucking jacked.

Yeah.

Shit.

I saw that lean.

She's like, whoa.

So, I never dated a chick with red hair.

You what?

I never dated a chick with red hair.

Never?

No, never.

Do you ever sleep with one?

No, no, never, never, never.

Never.

I regret it now.

You can still do it.

Have her dye her hair red.

Do I ever tell you the time?

This is such a good story.

I like how you whispered, like, we're not on Mike.

Which matter?

You just jumped from the roof.

Kingman did?

Yeah.

Jesus.

Is this a prank?

No, I'm not.

Is there someone's dick and balls present?

No, no, no, there's that.

Look at that psycho.

There's a TV over there, man.

Jesus Christ.

We have insurance, right?

Okay.

So we're on the roof.

Okay, we're on the roof of a place.

Ari was with me, oddly enough.

It was the week before he drugged me.

Did you see the whole thing about that, too?

What?

Like that whole thing online about how that's a bit.

It was made up.

You never seen that?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't see it for real?

No.

You know.

It's like, it was pretty, like, somebody goes, come on.

And then he goes, no, it's a whole bit we did.

Like, Ari tells that it's a whole bit.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

He's a fun guy to have in your lifetime.

So that's not a bit.

No, it's not.

I almost called you to be like, wait, this is a bit?

That's why I did it.

He sold it really well.

But you're a fucking asshole, too.

Let me tell you this: what you did.

What I did.

You, you, with fucking Jay Okerson.

I saw a clip where he's like,

he's like, everybody says that.

Oh, yeah, everyone's critiquing every part of my personality.

And then you're like, Tom's a fucking Ari's a gh.

And I'm like, yo, it was right after.

You caught astray.

You caught astray.

Thank you.

You caught astray.

That was unfair.

It was a day after you go, you know, I actually find myself not interested in what people say, but I'd like to be interested.

Then you're like, Tom's a fucking.

Speak up, motherfucker.

I'm like, what?

Hold on.

Hold on.

Two things.

Two things, okay?

Don't let me forget the.

Okay, fuck the story.

Anyway, so I went to dinner.

I can't really say names, but I can say names if you edit them out, okay?

He just did it again.

What the fuck is this?

I got the worst seat in the house.

People are watching this.

People are jumping off buildings behind me.

It's kind of cool.

And they're like, birds stop talking.

I want to watch action.

It looks good.

Is Kingman doing it for the camera?

I don't know why he's doing it, but he's having fun.

It seems somewhat high risk.

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I am so excited for this spa day.

Candles lit.

Music on.

Hot tub warm and ready.

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Again, in the middle of my spa day.

What a wet blanket.

Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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yeah so he looks like a prisoner go ahead

i went to dinner with uh i went to dinner the other night with uh

a mom

who

so i had two dinners but i'm gonna tell you the one that's safe i'm gonna tell you one that's safe back to back dinner yeah but two dinners the mom wouldn't shut the up okay she was she just was uh talkative everything was about her but it was really enjoyable and i thought it was nice to have the heat off of me for a minute sure where i was like and leanne was like man she would not stop talking i go but hang on didn't you enjoy it she goes i go what she goes she drove conversation she orchestrated our event or our evening was she took care of all of our we didn't have to do anything we just sat and drank and giggled yeah and i and she goes well i guess if you look at it that way i go that's the way i look at it because what that lady did is she provided a service and she put herself out there she said wild shit wild

the i mean like do you know why all the

kids are gay these days?

And I was like, boom.

I love this woman.

I love when reckless talk.

I love it.

And especially, she doesn't even know me.

And she's saying like that.

I go, this woman provided a very valuable service.

So

next night, I got to say this and edit the names out.

We go to dinner with.

Yeah.

You know who that is?

Yeah.

Okay.

We're with a bunch of people, but he's okay.

Clean it up because

I don't want this to sound bad.

And

he held court and he talked.

That makes sense.

And it was so fucking enjoyable.

And I looked at Leanne and after she got my perspective, I said, you know, I go, babe, you know, if he wasn't at this table, I'd be doing that.

I would be orchestrating conversation.

I would be almost like holding court.

And I go, but isn't it nice?

to just sit back and allow someone to do that and almost say thank you.

And she was like, God damn it, you're right.

And I watched him at the end of the night.

And I was like, dude, thank you so much for just being you.

You're a great American storyteller.

And it was fucking fun having dinner with you.

And he was like, well, thank you.

And I thought, you know, there are, there, every personality is needed.

And I'll tell you what I did.

No, that's true.

That is true.

I was really fascinated at how enjoyable it was to sit back and listen.

Would he tell stories or just like ask questions?

Great fucking stories.

Great stories.

Great fucking stories.

Oh, I mean, yeah.

And I was like, yeah.

And you know, the person I'm at,

I'm sitting with him.

And he's fucking enamored and watching and it was like I mean the guy fucking held court yeah and it was like so fucking enjoyable so I was like everyone needs to pay attention sometimes just because Ari can never hold court

just because he's got a like a six personality right yeah and that's and that's for a famous person that's crazy right yeah yeah

he shouldn't be upset that he's sitting next to a fucking 11 right right who who is a masterful is he doing it again

that looks like a woman

that's Philip like a woman.

It looks like a woman.

That's Philip Lee.

All I saw were the legs.

I was like, nice legs.

So they're all jumping off the...

This is cool.

This is how you break your heels, everybody.

Yeah, that could be a fucking rat.

I would love if there was an accident.

No, I joke about Ari, but like it is, it is interesting.

There's needs for every personality.

And just because you're Leanne and maybe you can't like orchestrate an evening and hold court.

Would she ever hold court?

Never.

And she's chastised me for it before.

We go to a dinner date with two of her friends, and they're fucking lunatics.

Sidebar, both Scientologists.

And so I just talk.

I fucking feel the, I feel the dead air, right?

Yeah.

And Leon, I go, that was fun.

And she goes, well, you didn't let them talk at all.

And I went, well, yeah, but they're lunatics.

Yeah.

I go, wouldn't you rather me just make sure no one said crazy shit?

Wouldn't you mind me meticulously orchestrating the night so that we don't get into, hey, why are you guys Scientologists?

And then she's like, she's like, she's like, well, I'm just saying sometimes it's nice to let other people talk.

And I went, cool.

We go to dinner with them again.

and I'm fucking you know what I'm gonna be old fucking Ann Frank not Anne Frank Helen Keller

yeah I'll be Ann Frank too just be real quiet I'll be Ann Frank I'll be Ann Frank as fuck fucking don't open the door

and fucking

and I let them talk and you know what they did they fucking unraveled unraveled started questioning our religion we get done we have not talked to them since i go so what was the what so i'm sorry what night was more fun and lean goes well obviously the night you talked.

And I went, yeah.

Yeah.

You're making a good case for yourself here, okay?

I'm in a fucking, I'm in a really good mood today.

Yeah, I see.

I mean, the outfit looks like it's a good mood, too.

Yeah.

Where'd you get that?

I bought it in Las Vegas.

I didn't look at the price tag, and I really regret that.

I looked at the price tag today as I was unboxing it, and

it was a little pricier than I imagined.

Really?

Ever paying for anything.

For anything?

Anything.

Where'd you get it?

I don't know.

I got drunk in Vegas.

It's like a cool, like a cool, gay.

Well, hold on.

I'm not a bad thing.

I'm thinking like a cool, rich, gay guy in Palm Springs who has kind of like a cool estate.

Yes, it's perfect for this house.

Yeah, it is.

We still didn't talk about the house.

Okay.

We'll talk about the house.

Let's put a pin in that.

Hold on.

Can I tell you what I got into?

I'm going to need to show you these so you can understand them.

So I have a problem with underwear, okay?

I've always had a problem with underwear.

Here's my problem: is if it's boxer briefs, I feel like I'm putting on too many clothes.

So I got got clothes under my clothes, and then I get claustrophobic.

Uh, if it's underwear, I feel like it just smashes my dick and balls.

I kind of want my dick and balls away from everything, that's why I don't want to wear underwear.

Well, Leanne found a solve, and I got to show them to you.

There's so I'll show them to you what they look like on Amazon.

They are, of course, I don't have fucking glasses, yeah.

They are your orders, not the best Wi-Fi here,

they are

ultimately gay men underwear okay

so

they have they're like silk okay

yeah they're see-through they do like that they're see-through oh they're see-through they're silk i almost wore a pair and i and and they have a hole like this size in the underwear and then they have a pouch out there for your nose this you put your dick and balls through so it kind of shoves it front and forward and then it sits in this pouch so it looks like you have a fucking wad of cock

and because it but it's your dick and balls.

And I'll show you what I look like in them because I cannot take, I look so fucking good.

You know the name of the brand?

I don't know the name of the brand, but this is what I'm looking at.

It's on you got it on Amazon?

Look at this.

Look at this.

Yeah, those are gay.

Can you see those?

Can you see them?

You see the dick?

And you see the dick?

Imagine what your shit would look like in these, anyway.

Those are like, are they comfortable?

They are so comfortable comfortable because it keeps your dick and balls.

Bro, I'll order them.

They're so comfortable.

And I tell you what, dude, I get hard for no reason at all.

Like, I'm just sitting there.

I was on the plane with Leanne.

I was wearing them on the plane.

And I just was like, I thought about what my dick was touching.

And I was like, boom, rock hard.

I get hard on every flight.

It's testosterone, I think.

No, it's flying.

For real?

Yeah.

You're just that into aviation?

No, I read about it.

I do like aviation.

You're like, oh, wow.

This is so fun.

It's like this, you lose lose your inhibitions because you're not in control.

And it happens to a lot of people.

Like, I just, I can't.

You're like a 50 Shades of Gray flyer.

Oh, I almost bust a nut sitting there sometimes.

Like, just because you lose control, your flight attendant's like, sir, I need your seat upright.

And Tom's like, yeah, upright.

I'll put it upright.

Dude, I'd be like, make me do more.

Tell me my seatbelt's not tight enough.

I've also fallen asleep.

had like a near-wet dream experience on a flight, woken up and had a male flight attendant being like, do you have a good nap?

Like just staring at my dick.

Yeah.

Dude, we got to turn this into a challenge.

Wait, what's this brand?

I want to know the brand.

I pulled up on,

they're really fucking

still.

Have not said where we are.

Holy shit.

We are at, hold on.

It's south by southwest.

We're in Austin.

We're at the Porosos Portal House.

This is like an invite-only experience where we've invited a bunch of people.

We have NADC burgers here.

We have a DJ.

We have giveaways.

uh there's porosos everywhere and people just having a good time it's been uh we just got here like 30 minutes ago but it's been

going off and it's gonna go off for the next few days i think right isn't it like through the weekend or something i kind of wish i was staying i gotta go to palm springs tomorrow to return that fucking outfit or what

no i'm gonna keep it it's loading it's loading do you can i tell you what i did yeah

You want to talk about dodging a fucking bullet?

Yeah.

I saw a picture of Magic Johnson

on Instagram.

You almost fucked him.

And I was like, no, I was like, oh, I got a similar picture with me and T.I.

I said, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to screen grab this picture, and then I'm going to Photoshop it and make it look like Magic Johnson and I were on vacation

with T.I.

and this guy, right?

And I wrote, I posted, I went to post it, and I said, missing you guys.

And then I sent it to my team.

And I was like, hey, post that.

And I got a text back.

Maybe you should have read Magic Johnson's post.

Oh, yeah.

His friend had just passed away.

And I had screen grabbed it, Photoshop myself into it.

It said in memoriam.

And I was like, huh, do you know how fucking horrible it would have been if I had posed missing you guys?

And it's Magic Johnson with his friend's wife who passed away.

And me and T.I.

and fucking Fluffy, not Fluffy, Lucky.

What's not Lucky?

What's her skin?

Buffy.

Boney, bony.

What's his, what's T.I.'s wife's name?

T.I.'s wife's name.

Come on, Ennie.

Enny.

That was.

Any.

I don't know.

Tiny.

Tiny.

God damn it.

Yeah.

Bony, fuzzy.

Fluffy?

Bony.

What if Tiny is listening?

She's like a big Two Bears fan and she's listening.

She's like, God damn it, I met that motherfucker.

I can't remember my motherfucking name.

Keep my name out y'all mouth, Burt Kreischer.

That's a good impression of her, man.

Wow.

I just did the,

I did a pro, I did an interview for my UK shows, and I had a total like brain fart where I was doing an interview with a radio show in Belfast.

And I was like, oh,

the last time I went to Ireland,

it was on the days of the

king's coronation.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

So like, there's no way you could duplicate this experience.

Like, it happens when it happens.

I happened to be,

but what I forget is that that day I was in Dublin.

I wasn't in Belfast.

And so, I tell these radio, they're like, all happy.

I was like, yeah.

So, I went up there and I go, it was magical.

I got on stage and the first thing I said on the day of the king's coronation was, fuck the king.

And the place went out.

They went into song.

They started singing.

I didn't know if we were going to be able to.

I turned around.

I have it on video.

I turned around to my guys, and I was like, and they started singing.

I was like, oh, maybe they're not even going to stop singing.

Yeah.

I'm looking at these three guys.

I'm telling this story and they're all like,

and they're like, yeah, this is Belfast.

Like,

we're not Dublin.

This is Northern Ireland.

A lot of people support the king.

I was like, oh, I go, you can cut this out of the interview.

Because they were like, yeah, a lot of people here don't like that.

And I was like, sorry.

And they were like, anyway, go see Tom's show.

And Belfast

It was such a brainwashed.

I was like, I probably should have thought about this before I spoke.

They didn't like it, dude.

They didn't like it at all.

Wait, is the king King Charles?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was his coronation day when I was there last.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

But it's a different reception in Dublin than in Belfast.

God, man.

I remember when Charles and Diana got married.

You do?

What were you like, 30?

No.

Oh.

I was a kid.

It was a big fucking deal.

It was a huge

fucking deal.

I mean, she was like so fucking hot.

It's crazy to think she's been dead forever.

She's been dead as all she's been dead longer than I've been doing comedy.

Yeah.

I mean, when was that death?

It was in the 90s, right?

Yeah.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

That's what I want.

Nope.

That's what I want.

Okay, I just realized what I want.

I want to die, and I want people to say, do you remember where you were when Bert died?

Oh, my God.

That's what I want.

That's what I'm looking for.

Oh, there's an ass behind you now.

A thong.

Jesus Jesus Christ.

A thong?

Wait, a thong?

Thong, yeah.

A woman's ass just appeared in our face.

Hers.

Hey, King Minnie, how you doing?

He knows.

He knows what we're looking at now.

I can't get hard dicks in this outfit.

You got those underwear on or anything?

Oh, man.

No, I don't.

If I did, I would fucking be in that pool in those underwear.

Just raw dogging bitches.

Just raw dogging.

Just be in the pool?

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine?

Can you imagine taking your sexual skills now?

You get pretty in your own place, right?

Yeah.

Like, it's like,

you do your thing.

You don't push.

When you guys have sex, you kind of do your thing, right?

Right.

Can you imagine taking that to a stranger?

Yeah.

And doing that with a stranger.

And how they would react.

How they would react if you're like, ooh, okay.

Yeah.

Wow, I didn't.

Imagine if you

just take your skill set now and put it in 18-year-old Bert and let him have sex with someone

back then with who you are now.

Dude, that's not a bad idea.

Well, it's an impossible idea.

Just go back and fuck all the chicks you fucked.

Right.

But with your current day.

Oh, with my skill set now?

Yeah.

With my skill set now, where if I get a little drunk because of the testosterone, I can't come forever.

Dude, there's times the other night, by the way,

I don't care that I'm sharing this.

The other night, I gave Leanne an orgasm, and then she was like, I do not think it's going to happen for you tonight.

And I went, I think you're right.

And I just went to bed.

Really?

Yeah, I was like, I was like,

we were in bed.

Your sensitivity changed?

No, if I drink a little bit because of the testosterone, I can't come at all.

The two of those is the reason?

Either that or I'm gay.

I don't know.

It's one of the two.

It's changed for whatever reason.

Like, I'll last forever.

What was Mel Gibson like?

Okay.

So I told this to Joe, and I didn't know if Joe, I didn't know, because, you know, there's parts of my personality that I overshare, but they're real.

And I can't believe that other people don't think this way.

Okay.

But I shared it with Joe and I looked at the look on Joe's face and he was a little bit like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, well, just to put it in perspective for people, you're in Vegas?

I'm in Vegas.

Well, it starts with,

we get a call from Dana, or not a call.

He reaches out and says, would you come to PowerSlap?

And so I was like, of course, I want to take Leanne.

He says, it's so funny.

He said, I got a plus one for you.

And I go, immediately, it's Leanne.

That's what I want to take.

I don't want to take one of my friends.

I'm going to take Leanne.

I want to see the look on her face when she watches people get knocked unconscious.

Yeah, like that's my person.

So,

so we accept thing, and then Joe reaches out and he's like, Yo, if you're going to be there, why don't you come to UFC?

And I was like, Cool.

And then he's like, He goes, I got tickets, but Dana's got better tickets, so I'll set you up with UFC people.

So, I'm like, Cool, I go, Leanne, we're going to UFC also.

She's like, Nice.

I go, It's going to be fun.

Get on the plane, JSX.

Theo walks over.

I mean, we spent the fucking weekend with Theo, really, honestly.

It was a triple date, Right.

Theo walks in and he's,

I cannot express how funny he is just in private.

Like,

he said, I texted him at the end of the week and I said, man, I had so much fun with you.

And he goes, you are my favorite person to make laugh.

He goes, you laugh so good.

And so we,

and he says, yo, Mel Gibson's sitting behind us.

And I was like, what?

And he was like, he's on our flight.

And he goes, I think so.

Theo goes, I met him a couple times.

I'll see if I can introduce us.

And so

we get on the plane.

Mel Gibson's is sitting next to me on the plane.

It's me, Leanne, and Mel Gibson in the single seat.

And I'm like, okay, play cool.

But you know me.

And

I don't give a fuck what you think about me, but I can't help but not want to meet a famous person.

And

it is the same way that you see a guy driving through the streets at three in the morning looking for a hooker.

And he's like, I can't help myself, man.

This is what I do.

Or the way a girl's sucking a guy's dick behind a dumpster.

He's like, give me Coke, right?

Give me Coke.

That's what I'm around famous people.

I don't get it.

And if I've been drinking,

I just cannot shut the fuck up.

So I am, Leanne is, do not say anything.

Do not make this a long flight for him.

Do not say anything before takeoff.

Don't say anything in the air.

If you say anything, it's got to be when we land.

Just like a

always do this to a celebrity.

It always works.

You're an absolute legend.

And you just walk away.

That's it.

Just, you're an absolute legend.

That's all I'm going to say.

We land.

Flight attendant comes over and

comes up and she goes, I am such a huge fan to me.

Mel Gibson's like, who the fuck's this guy?

And she's like, you have no idea.

I mean, Two Bears is my favorite.

I listen to it all the time.

Your special, Razzle Dazzle, was so good.

Your last bit in that.

And I'm like, nice, nice, nice, nice.

She goes, so what are you doing?

And now I'm like, I'm like, I don't want to say Dana or Joe's name.

I'm not name dropping.

So, but I go,

we're coming out for the UFC fight.

And Mel Gibson's just like, so what do you do?

And I was like, nice.

I'm like, fucking hook line and sinker.

And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan.

God damn it.

What What the fuck did I say?

No, I didn't say that.

I was like, I was like, oh, I'm a comedian.

We're going out.

I did say Dana's name.

I said, Dana invited us out to Slap Fight.

And then I said, we're going to

UFC the next day.

And he was like, yeah.

And then I was like, dude, I just got to tell you, you're a fucking absolute legend.

I said, I'm a ride or die, Mel Gibson fan.

I have always been.

You're my favorite filmmaker.

You're fucking so great.

And he was like, well, thank you very much.

He goes, maybe I'll.

Maybe I'll see you at UFC.

And I said, yeah.

And so then we get to UFC and I'm sitting in the front.

It's me, Theo Leanne, Taylor LaWan, Max Crosby, Mario Lopez, Taylor Sheridan.

It's like a wild fever dream.

Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in front of us and

fucking Mel Gibson walks by,

walks by everyone, looks at me and goes, hey, what's up, buddy?

Shakes my hand.

I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Max Crosby and Taylor are like, you know Mel Gibson?

And I was like, we're getting a picture.

We're getting a picture.

I go, gentlemen, this is what I'm good at.

So we fucking, we,

perfect.

I mean, right before the main, right before the main event happens, I grab all of them.

I go, come on, guys.

I walk over.

I get down.

I go, Mr.

Gibson, the boys and I would love if we could take a picture with you, but we totally understand.

He goes, No, fuck it, let's do it.

Mel Gibson stands up.

Taylor Sheridan, I'm like, Taylor, get in here.

I should have grabbed Mark Zuckerberg.

That was the misstep.

But then I got drunk and I fucking creeped him out.

You did?

Yeah.

What'd you say to him?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Let me see your watch.

Yeah, he's gotten really into it.

This is a $600,000 watch.

Every day it's a new one.

It's pretty awesome.

He's got pretty crazy swag.

Like, he, and he was cool.

He was cool.

I was with uh pivot for him of being like the pivot of he was like weird robot autistic guy person and now he's like i do jiu-jitsu i wear gold chains and diamonds he had holy grail watches diamond necklace on that was kind of fucking sick sat with dana the whole time yeah uh

i guess the best jiu-jitsu guy in the world came up and was talking to him i don't know mark zuckerberg was pretty fucking cool i gotta be honest with you who ryan I don't know.

Okay.

Is that his name?

I mean, yeah.

Tehano.

Tehano?

Canoe?

Something?

Okay, I don't know that guy.

But it was a really epic fucking night.

Like, we had.

Dude, if you are

interested in, like,

directing or filmmaking,

a must is apocalypto.

Apocalypto is the greatest.

It's so fucking amazing.

It does not get talked about enough.

If you've never seen it, Mel Gibson directed this movie.

He's not in it.

He just directed it.

And there's no dialogue.

And it's an epic.

So you're watching epic storytelling without people speaking that is so compelling.

It's fucking amazing.

None of them had acted in it.

They're not actors.

And they're amazing in it.

They're amazing.

Yeah, Apocalypto is just

the fucking greatest.

But yeah, it was like, it was a crazy, crazy, crazy fucking night of UFC.

But the funniest is, and I, you know, I always say this, like,

you know, I'm really lucky that I have funny friends, but I have funny friends that to me are funnier than other people think.

Like, I always say that about you.

Like, I don't know why people like you.

Yeah, you always say that.

But I know I like you.

I know what makes me like you.

That's what you always say.

The funniest part of you doesn't get shown to

like the funniest part of you.

Sometimes I don't see it in your stand-up.

The funniest part of you.

Like the thing about you that endears me to you.

And the thing about Theo,

he basically did a private show for me in my ear.

He wasn't talking to anyone else.

Yeah.

And

I could not stop fucking laughing.

Yeah.

At one point,

the other guy in a fucking chokehold pressed up against the...

Up against the chain.

And we're in the front row.

We're like five feet from him.

And I looked at the guy and I go, you got this big guy.

And Theo started making fun of me.

And then the whole time, anytime someone got pressed up he would communicate to them making fun of me at one point he goes rumor has it this next guy is alien gonzalez and i was like just i i was crying like he's so funny he's so funny we had such his references are out of his references are like from another planet and i laughed i laughed the whole time i laughed the whole time and then and then i got it at the at the end of the last fight I got a text from

someone on my team and they're like, they're like, you and Theo have been on camera the entire fucking fight.

And I was like, For real?

I have no idea if I was picking my nose, if I was eating it.

I don't know if I was drinking too much.

I don't know what I was doing.

I have no recollection of like any of that.

All I know is that if my recollection was just me leaning over to Theo the whole time, I didn't talk to Leanne once.

I laughed the whole fucking event.

Yeah, that's awesome.

It's a fun night.

It's crazy, though.

I said to Theo at the end, I go, I go, so what are you going to do?

So

it's interesting to have friends like this.

Where he goes, I I don't know.

I said, what do you mean?

I go, like, you go home tomorrow?

And he goes, I don't know.

Where will I go?

He's like, I might just stay in Vegas.

He's like, he doesn't have any family.

He doesn't have any kids.

He can go to anywhere he wants.

He's got tons of money.

Makes you fantasize, huh?

I literally was like, my fucking whole month is planned out.

Oh, yeah.

Like, I come here.

I leave from here to go to LA.

Leanne picks me up at LAX.

We go to Palm Springs.

I go to Palm Springs for two days.

I then fly back to here to do Joe on Monday.

I then fly back to LA to do Kimmel on Tuesday.

I then fly out to New York.

I mean, like, every day is planned for me.

Yeah.

The way that he just looked at it, he goes, I don't know.

Maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow.

Might go for a walk.

And I was like, really?

I go, where are you going after this?

He goes, I'll figure out tomorrow.

Maybe I'll go to Nashville.

I was like, really?

I go.

Just does what he wants.

I was like, that's got to be insane.

Especially when you have kids.

Yeah.

And you're like.

If you left your family, like, I could.

It would be so easy right now.

Yeah.

Just leave Leanne.

Yeah.

The girls are gone.

I'm not, they don't even notice.

I could not even tell them.

They wouldn't even notice.

Yeah.

Just still text with them.

No, no, I'm downstairs.

Mom's crazy.

Don't listen to her.

Yeah, dude.

That would be awesome, man.

Yeah, you could get away with it, man.

I guess I'll start drinking.

That's cool.

Are you going to drink today?

I've already been drinking.

Oh, for real?

Yeah.

Nice.

What does your day look like today?

How long are you going to be here for?

A little while after this, then go home.

And like you, I have things completely scheduled all the time.

All the time.

I have.

I thought that was really Robert Smith.

Wasn't that so cool?

I thought that was really Robert Smith.

I really, like, I said, oh, fucking.

I said to Leanne, I go, How cool is it?

Like, our jobs are cool, but the access we get to like meeting people that are heroes.

And I know that she was a big Cure fan.

Yeah.

I go, that is so cool that

they got.

I get so many spam calls.

Yeah.

Yeah, it happens to all of us.

You can find that underwear out?

Oh, yeah, hang on.

But I was like, that's so cool.

And then Leanne goes, baby, that's Tom.

It's really nuts the way that it came together.

It's really crazy.

Wait, what?

Like the way that, like, so I brought in Chris and Michaela, who did hair and makeup on my series.

It's called

Zonbalon.

Let me see.

Zonbalon.

That's the name of it.

Zonbalon.

Zonbalon pouch underwear.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

It's for gay dudes.

But But I brought the people who did hair and makeup for the series, and we just gave them this photo of Robert Smith, and then they just transformed me.

Like, shaved me.

He got the wig.

Chris did Chris Clark, and then Michaela did the makeup, and it was like, it was pretty spot on.

It looks, it looked, can I tell you that's what, if you're a young podcaster and you're listening to this, and I know that sometimes like young podcasters will, you know, listen to other podcasts.

I listen to people's podcasts.

There's one thing I think you've done really well in this business is you have

You have created a community like a legit community of fans where you guys all have similar senses of humor and all in it's all inside jokes.

It's really inside It's like a family and I think it's so cool.

I actually said to myself Apart from being a part of two bears I don't really have that like with when my bird with bird cast like I the other day I was like I was like maybe I'll just quit podcasting just do two bears.

Yeah.

I was like, you know, I just cancel everything.

You know, there was a magical moment that happened on the show, too, which is that we had this guy, Tony John, the guy who's like, Tony John's, I always fucked that up.

How he's all, he's like this, you know, wild dude who's like, I like blowing bitches' backs out and shit.

He was working at Lowe's a long time.

He got fired.

And we brought him and we did like a bachelor-style show.

And then he started posting online that he wants to get into the adult industry and be a male performer.

Yeah.

And he tagged in a video Alexis Fox.

And then during the podcast, Alexis Fox was watching and called in and was like, I'll do a scene with him.

And then we got to tell him live that she said, yes, he'll.

And he's working at Walmart.

He's like, fuck.

Yeah, I'll just leave Walmart.

So he's quit his job.

He's just like, I'm going to be an adult performer.

And this is like coming together now.

That happened live on the show.

Oh, wow.

So it was pretty crazy.

I think, see, I think, you know, it's like when I look at the YMH lives, and it seems to me that you guys are investing a lot of money into it.

It doesn't seem like a cash grab.

It costs a fortune to put that one on.

But I think that's what's cool about that is it's almost like making a TV show just for your fans.

Just for a special audience.

Can I tell you what I was thinking about doing?

Because I just always play with the idea of doing something different with Birdcast.

Yeah.

So we've been doing a lot of bands

lately, but I was like, what if I just made like a 22-minute version of Birdcast and put it online?

And that was it.

Just a TV show.

It's like the highlights of the interview.

And then I just put the full interview behind a Patreon.

So that if you you really want to get it, you can get it.

Because I was like, I don't know.

The cooking show I enjoy, but I'm not doing a community.

And that's what I'm.

It's not a bad idea.

I'm just like, I think you're never too late to reinvent what you're making.

I totally agree.

I totally agree.

And I think it's what is going to be special about your TV show.

What's special about your TV show is I think you are making it.

You're doing the same thing.

You're making it for your fans.

Yeah, I mean, it goes a little beyond that.

I think we're going to bring in new people, but it's incredible production value.

Like, everything is cinematic and the stories are completely insane.

Like it's it's wild stories.

So it's it's a lot of fun.

I think we're going to have something pretty unique.

I think it's a cool thing that we're doing with the two bears 5k is that it does create a community and it does it it allows you

the cool thing about podcasting is it allows you to have imaginary conversations with people you don't really talk to,

but you feel like you know them personally.

Yes.

And like I was doing that.

I was doing that today on the treadmill.

I was like talking to our fans.

Yeah.

And I was like, what do you guys like?

I was like, what do you guys think?

Do you think I can run like a sub 30?

And they were like, you were just saying this.

In my head, I was at a bar and I was like, and they're like, oh, you can do anything, man.

You can definitely do it.

Do you have a goal time for the 5k?

No, so today I got on the treadmill and I was like, I was like, I wonder how fast, what's the fastest mile I can do?

So I said, I'm not going to run the whole multi-mile?

One mile.

Okay.

And then I'm going to judge it off that.

I said, you know what?

Better than that.

I'm going to do half a mile.

Do the fastest half a mile I can do.

And then I can judge it off that because I know if I can't last, at a half a mile, I'll be like, I couldn't have lasted for that.

So I did a half a mile and I went down.

And the comfortable pace for me was a

seven-minute mile.

Or no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

Comfortable pace for me was seven miles per hour, which I think translates into an

eight-minute and 47-second mile, which is still not that impressive.

I mean, you're like...

27 minutes is not impressive.

But aren't you like two

for thirty for

two something 245 245 okay if you did that at 245 that'd be that's pretty impressive actually.

Yeah,

like I

Fuck man,

I really hate running and I've been doing it more just trying to get myself in the Running mindset for this thing My goal is just to do something like

you okay?

Yeah.

I would not I don't think I can run a 24-minute 5k.

24 minute mile is impossible.

I mean, not impossible, but it's like, you got to really, the whole thing is your heart rate.

Your whole thing is your heart rate, getting your heart rate to a manageable level.

Because if your heart rate's at, you can't keep your heart rate at 160 for fucking 26 minutes.

It's a lot.

It's a lot.

You know what the worst part, by the way, I didn't tell you this about Robert Smith thing for Wireless Live?

Weeks before we were entertaining this idea, And I was just like looking at Robert Smith on the podcast.

I was like, man, this guy looks like a fucking bag of shit.

He looks terrible.

And then when I became Robert Smith, everyone was like, you look exactly like him.

Like, you are a dead ringer.

You look a lot like him.

That guy that looks like hot shit.

You've been shaving your beard a lot lately.

No, it was both times.

It was for something.

I know, but it's kind of crazy is that I've never,

I have not shaved my beard.

This is the shortest I've made it in a long time.

This is at least...

for me,

like when there's some growth, I'm a little more comfortable being myself.

When it's fresh baby shaved i cannot stand it what's interesting about you and christina is that you guys don't mind hair and makeup what do you mean you guys almost enjoy like putting on costumes i'm not really that big into it no but like you you do it and and by the way it's like if you put me in a costume you see a different side of me where it's i'm very uncomfortable you are you more comfortable just i'm more comfortable as me shirtless shirtless 100 shirtless yeah do you think i'll do my next special in with a shirt we've discussed this before I know, but I'm thinking about my last special.

Yeah.

It'll be my last special.

Your last special will be your last special?

The next special will be my last one, I think.

The one after Lucky?

Yeah, the one after Lucky, I think, is going to be my last special.

Forever?

Yeah.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

Maybe.

Why is that?

I don't know.

I was thinking about it.

I was like, what am I doing?

I don't know.

It's like there's a lot that goes into.

releasing a special.

Yeah.

And it's a lot that's starting to make me uncomfortable about doing this much press and

like going out and hitting all the outlets.

And then, you know, I don't know.

There was some, I used to enjoy it a lot.

And then as I was promoting Lucky, I just started being like, I don't know, man.

The last thing I want to do is talk about like,

how do you think this is going to pair against your other ones?

Well, like, what do you, where do you get your material?

What, do your kids watch your material?

Does your wife ever get mad at you?

You really go hard on your wife this one.

And so, like, I was like, so I was like, what if I just go, you know what?

I just did one more special.

I do it in a suit and tie.

That'd be cool.

And I fucking go, this is my last special.

Yeah.

And then just, and just, you know, also the other thing is like, walk away from the game when the game still wants you.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, I don't want to be like begging for one 60 years old going like fucking Hulu won't call me back.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think that's going to help a relationship with Hulu.

My sister works there.

I should be fine.

Okay.

All right.

No, but you know what I mean?

I do know know what you mean.

Walk away from the game when the game still wants you.

Yeah.

You know, like, how long, how much longer are we going to tour for?

That's a great question.

I mean, it would be nice to do what Seinfeld does and do like, or Chappelle, just do some pop-ins, but me and you are doing legit fits.

But you have the option now.

Nah.

I still have a little hunger for the tour.

I love the tour.

I'm excited to go back on the road.

Permission to party.

That's what I named it.

Oh, that's good.

I'm going to have a good amount of time off.

Oh, when?

When this tour ends.

This tour ends for me in December, and I have a lot of...

I could be honest with you.

I'm going to call it.

You guys ready?

You will never tour again after this tour.

You ready?

That's my call.

Really?

I know it.

What am I going to do?

You're going to start directing, and this TV show is going to be a success.

You're going to do a movie.

I know you have a movie or two movies lined up.

And those will work well.

And you'll start doing more acting.

And then you'll get into directing.

And you'll find that you enjoy directing and doing your mom's house and two bears.

That that, and you'll be like, Why am I going to leave the boys?

The boys are at the age when they're

and by the time they get to the age where you can go back on the road, you're going to go like, Yeah, man, I don't have a hunger for it anymore.

This is your last tour.

If you want to see Tom live, fuck if you want to see him live, this is your last opportunity.

Burt Chryser's saying this, not Tom Segura.

Yeah, but the weird thing is, you're kind of reading my mind.

I know.

I'm checking out this chick's ass, too.

God damn it, I need a mirror or something.

Yeah, that's fucking Philip again.

Oh, hi.

Hi, Hi.

How are you?

Hey, how's it going?

Hi.

You're on TV.

We weren't talking about you.

Oh, yeah.

This is piped in there.

I'm sorry.

Look at this chick's ass.

God damn it, man.

I would fuck her.

God damn it.

I mean, I'm telling you, I'm looking right at it.

This is what dreams are made of.

Jesus, Bert.

Bert, you shouldn't talk like that.

That's somebody's mother.

That's what I'm telling you, man.

If you want to see Tom Live, I would get tickets to these shows because you will never see him again.

I'll tell you this.

You're not wrong, man.

I mean,

it's possible.

Yeah,

I think you are someone who has fleeting interest in

things.

I think

you get into something.

You love the way the business works.

And then once you kind of figure it out, you're like, okay, I want to be interested in something else.

Yeah, you're right.

And I honestly see you directing.

I see you setting up projects at different places.

The things that you're doing with comics now, I can see you definitely going like, you know, I got an idea for Tim Dylan.

Tim, you want to maybe do something?

It'll be like, you know, 13 weeks.

I don't know.

That's what I see.

I mean, I'm not saying the same wouldn't happen for me, but like, I definitely have, I feel like I have two more tours in me.

Yeah, I see your love of touring is very authentic.

It really, you actually become, you become a different person when you're on tour.

I I tried to skim this one down initially.

We were going back and forth for a long time about what we were going to do on this tour.

And I kind of, I initially was like, I really miss the Body Shots World tour where I would go do smaller theaters and then go to the bar with everyone afterwards.

I bet.

And I was like, those are my, the last one I did.

I'll tell you this, because I don't, I mean, I obviously don't know exactly what the future holds, but one of the things I did tell my agent about

a next tour, I was like, some of these markets that we're doing, I go, just let me do a theater run the next time.

Yeah.

Like, I miss that experience of like park in the city and do Wednesday through Saturday.

Park in the city, be on like the coolest street in the city.

Yeah.

Go have lunch, get a coffee, and go to the fucking YMCA.

One a night.

I go, no doubles.

I want to do one a night.

One a night would be fucking gold.

And you just go and like actually enjoy that week in that place.

I think that'd be fun to do.

Split it up.

I said that at the beginning of this, and I was like, I was like, I miss hanging out with fans.

I miss going to the bar with fans.

The last time I did that was Boston.

What's that venue we used to do in Boston?

The one outside the city.

Outside the city?

Oh, I know what you're talking about.

It's like 3,500.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know what you're talking about.

I did it in March of 2020, March 1st, 2022.

It's one of Bill's places.

Yeah, it's one of Bill's one.

And I bought a hazmat suit as a joke because it was about to be coronavirus.

And I went to the bar in a hazmat suit.

And we all laughed.

Yeah.

Little did we know.

Yeah.

Didn't post that video.

And so, but I missed that.

And then, and then, but then I got to this fucking thing where they're like, well, you know, you.

We'd love, I mean, we'd love for you to do arenas one more time.

We have a deal in place.

And, and I fucking love arenas.

I do love arenas.

They're funny shit.

And I, you get great gyms.

And I was like, I, but I'm trying to figure out something.

And if you're listening, if you're coming to my shows, think of something, a way for us to hang out after the show.

yeah where i can't hang out with like all the people but like i don't know i don't like just if you're cool i just want to go to like a dive bar and hang out with people yeah you really do love that show i love it dude i was you know i was thinking about i think travis barker was maybe saying it but i was thinking about putting up on 5ks every day before my shows because i'm running 5k anyway Just go, hey guys, everyone come out.

We'll do a jog together.

We'll plan out a jog around the city.

Not a bad one, man.

I used to do it with disc golf.

I don't know.

I'm excited to get back on the road.

You're going to have a lot of fun um so this is the end of my tour forever yep um

i i you just do you think you could direct me in a movie yeah i think i i think i would i would drive you fucking nuts no i think i could i can work with you what are you talking about yeah yeah let's do that okay we could do that for real yeah i have i have a movie set up with a guy that you know okay

How fun would that be?

I think it'd be a lot of fun.

Yeah, I would have a lot of fun doing that.

Oh, that would be cool as shit.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I think it'd be a lot of fun.

57, 57.

I'm hitting double numbers all the time with good thoughts and good intention and good energy.

I just call gratitude.

There you go.

There you go, dude.

Fucking love life.

There you go.

But I do want to die, and I want everyone to go, where were you when Bert died?

That's the thing.

Do you want it to be the paparazzi chasing you

the way they did Diana?

You would love that.

In a tunnel in Paris?

Same tunnel.

Same tunnel.

I got to rescue someone.

I got to get like...

If you died rescuing someone, God, I got the best.

Okay, here's what I want.

Okay.

This is what I want from the fans.

The day I die, I just, all I want you to do,

all I want you to do is tell a stranger that I died.

Oh, shit.

Burt Chrysler died.

Because that's like the, that's the crazy thing.

Like, when Gene Hackman died, everyone at the bar was like, oh, fuck, Gene Hackman died.

I remember where I was when Gene Hackman died.

He's 95.

It was 95.

95.

95.

I fucking, I was at a bar at the airport.

Gene Hackman died.

And the old guy next to me said, ugh, you don't want to have dementia, man.

Get Alzheimer's.

I went, what?

He goes, you don't want dementia.

You want Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's kills you.

Dementia, you're healthy as a fucking horse and no one can talk to you.

I was like, great.

I'll never forget this conversation.

Can I get another perozos and soda, please?

Double?

God damn it.

Make this guy go away.

I bet his wife killed her.

I bet her.

His wife killed her.

Everybody was saying that shit.

You know, it's like living with someone with dementia.

The guy just went off.

I was like, wow.

He used to be Gene Hackman.

It wasn't at the end, man.

Wasn't at the end.

Well, how about one?

Let's raise one to Gene Hackman, dude.

Hey, to Gene fucking Hackman.

Can I tell you the great thing about Gene Hackman?

Didn't get famous until he was like 44.

If you're wondering, what the fuck am I doing with my life, realize Gene fucking Hackman was 44 going, the fuck am I doing with my life?

Well, if you want to see what got him famous to and you haven't seen the French Connection, it's fucking unbelievable.

Is that the one where he goes, this is Chinatown, Jack?

You don't think that's Chinatown, maybe?

Oh, it's Chinatown.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's Chinatown, Jack.

No, but he's awesome.

And the movie's unbelievable.

I just watched it again.

I watched it last week.

Gene Hackman's so good in Hoosiers.

He's great in everything, man.

Fucking...

Gene Hackman is the man.

Royal Tenenbaums.

The conversation.

He's so good in everything he did.

Really, really amazing talent.

I think we should wrap it up.

We got to go socialize.

We got to eat a burger.

Are you going to eat a burger?

I think the guts of one.

I like the guts.

I'm supposed to get an IV, but I saw those ladies back there.

I don't know if I trust them.

Okay.

Easy, Tom.

Easy, Tom.

I'm Burt Kreiser, and I trust them.

Are you just looking at asses?

Yeah, a little bit.

Hey, ladies.

Hey, how you doing?

How's it going?

All right.

Let's go check out some asses and some IVs.

Thank God I didn't bring my wife to this.

Leanne's like, I don't think I'm going to go.

And I was like, babe, I wouldn't go if I were you.

And now I'm like, good call.

Can't wait to see a 55-year-old chick in a One Piece

in the fucking pool.

Hey, is the sound on?

Can someone turn the sound on?

Oh, my God, Philip Lee.

You got burgers?

I'm going to have two.

I'm at my One Piece.

I don't mind.

Go shoping.

Go shopping in the gift bag area.

Are those mushrooms?

Yeah.

Those are mushrooms.

Yeah.

Neotropics.

Yeah.

Let's go get some.

Fuck yeah.

I think I told Peter to get me a bag.

Do it.

Of whatever.

Is it purchasing stuff or are they giving it away?

Gifts, dude.

They have shoes in there?

Yes.

What are the shoes?

Sakanis?

Yeah.

All different colors.

Yeah.

Fuck me.

Yeah.

I'm overwhelmed.

All right.

Let's go shopping.

All right.

Maybe I'll get an IV first.

Good idea.

I'll get an IV first.

Thank you for watching.

Thank you for listening.

Hey, thank you guys.

And remember, on the day I die, just look to the guy next to you and go, Oh fuck,

Bert died, Bert died.

And if he goes, Bert, who go, God damn it,

the motherfucking machine.

Then go, let me tell you a story about this guy when he was 22.

Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

We'll see you guys next time.

Love you, guys.

Love you.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

They called it truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.