Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Can't make it to the 2Bears 5K in Tampa?

Join us virtually.

Run or walk the 5K anywhere in the U.S.

Signups are open now at 2Bears5K.com.

Don't miss out.

Lace up, show up, and take home some fantastic race day gear.

100%.

Brand new episode of 2 Bears One Cave.

Fuck that.

It's History Hyenas.

We're here.

This is the History Hyenas.

When was the last time you had milk?

Dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago.

I just had a full,

I had to go get milk for my kids and

I just put it in the fridge there and I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm going to drink some milk.

And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk, woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea.

I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like

a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know?

Like, and i i'm not lactose intolerant but i think my body was just like you can't just give me all this milk at once it's not 1953 no one drinks milk like that anymore but i did hear though that the ready for this they said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth one increased alcohol consumption sorry bert and i got my colonoscopy i'm clean oh yeah

let me write that down and i'll tell you my colonoscopy's joke please thank you colonoscopy is great and did and did you what did you wake up and you weren't hard?

No.

Me either, dude.

Fucking our dads were wrong.

But you got a colonoscopy?

Yeah, I've gotten two.

Wow, you have colon cancer in your family?

No, well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40, so they say start getting out 40, so I got cleaned.

I got cleaned.

I was 51.

51, but I got cleaned out.

This last one I did, I didn't even do the propofol.

I just said, just shoot her up there.

But when I was give me a belt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We went old school, wilderness.

But when I was 35, they gave me one because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack and I took a shit that I felt looked questionable.

I felt I took a questionable shit.

And so I took a peek because my mom, since I've been a little kid, she's told me two things and two things only, like on a daily basis, don't do drugs.

Big.

And then always before you flush your poop, you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good.

Yes.

So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about six years old.

That's why I don't like automatic flushing toilets.

They take it away from you too fast.

100%.

Like a runaway team.

Yeah, I have to, I try to put my hand down there and

So, so

I took a questionable shit, a QS is what we call it.

And so I have a friend.

I have a friend who's a dermatologist.

So nothing to do with the colon.

Can I send you a pick?

Yes.

So I said, can I send you a pick?

Exactly what I said.

And he said, sure, expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis.

But I sent him just a nice cold shit.

And so, and so he said, this is not my expertise.

Are you sending this to me as a friend or

for my professional opinion?

Well, the thing is, I'm calling him a friend, but I didn't even know him that well.

I just, I had his number because I booked him on ZocDoc a couple of weeks before.

So, so, and he said, Okay, he said, it's not my expertise.

He said, but I would agree with you that it does look questionable.

Because I said to the doctor, I said, Is this a questionable shit?

Yeah, right away.

And, and he said, It It does look questionable.

So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist and I said, you know, showed him the pic.

And he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter.

It could be, it could be just the lighting.

I really don't know.

He goes, but wait,

yeah, if you had swiped to put a filter on it, I swear to God.

You were posting on Instagram?

Yeah, like there was a snap.

Is this SEPA?

Back in my Snapchat days.

Is this LowPro 2?

Is this Paris?

So he says,

let's take a look.

Let's take a look.

And I said, great.

So we do it.

And then I wake up and

he's like, you know what?

I'm happy that we took a look.

You would have been fine, but you did have two polyps.

And those polyps could have grown and would have grown.

And maybe there would have been cancer, maybe not.

You don't know.

But we clipped them.

So now you should be good for five years.

So he said, come back in five years.

So I went.

Five years.

That's right.

Seven.

He told me, you got seven years?

I had three polyps.

You had three polyps and they told you seven years?

Why did I get five for two then?

I don't know, man.

What the fuck?

Where did you get yours done?

I got mine done in New York.

Maybe my clinic was running a deal.

Maybe we were doing a pro.

Did you put it in the promo code?

I had a promo code.

Yeah.

The promo code busting.

Yeah.

No.

Wait, no,

mine was five.

He said, yeah, I found three polyps.

He told me when he woke me up.

He was like, I found three polyps.

They're not.

I wouldn't worry about them.

We're going to do a biopsy.

I'll let you know.

And then he DM'd me and he said, hey, man, they're all clean.

You don't have to be back for another seven years.

And then I DM'd back, what should I wear?

Yeah.

And then he said,

I can't tell you that because I'm not certain I'll be your doctor.

Right.

And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me.

Yes.

I would like a commitment.

Yes.

And he never replied.

And he never replied.

And he just left it on red.

See, why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore?

Dude, I was just talking, the guy's like, hold on.

Let's go back to milk.

Yes.

So

your mom said two things.

Don't drink.

She said, don't, no, she said, don't do drugs.

She said, always make sure you look in the toilet bowl before you flush down your pooper.

How does this have to do with fucking milk?

Because what I, because what happened was, is we started, I told you, I drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after just one glass of milk, even though I'm not lactose intolerant.

Yeah.

Because typically, I honestly think the last time I had milk before that glass is I was sucking it straight out of the titty.

No, I dude, I have, my dad had a problem with milk.

Like a, he would drink a gallon a day.

Right.

My dad drank so much fucking milk.

I drank, I I love getting vitamin D, the red milk.

You know, the vitamin D one?

Yeah.

Whole milk.

By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies because of the milk.

I'm sorry.

Keep going.

Alcohol consumption on what scientists think is alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption on the low.

People are drinking less milk because they think calcium fights against colon cancer and alcohol fights for it.

Alcohol is team colon cancer.

Is it?

According to the doctors, they fucking they fucks with colon cancer I always thought so we

so we do they can they tell what causes cancer they they they well listen most likely the reason the colon cancer is on the rise because of the additives in the food you know that yuka app dude this app dude go get the yuka app you start scanning shit do you have like food here you have like packaged food yeah bring me a package of some fucking food is someone listening downstairs yeah i need a yuca app and i need a bunch of the food that i eat all the time yes i have the yuka app.

Just bring me up some packaged food.

We're gonna start scanning shit, and you're gonna start to be horrified.

Those protein chips

all the time.

Yes, bring those in.

Nothing that's a sponsor.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

I'm liquid death in the fucking case.

Yes, liquid death should be good, and anything I've scanned on HelloFresh is amazing.

I'll tell you what.

We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our lives.

Oh, my God.

Well, dude, I just did a podcast before, and if they're a sponsor, I did this out, but they had all, they were all sponsored by Celsius.

I scanned that Celsius, and Yuka app told me, hell fucking no.

For real?

They said Celsius is like a 20 out of 100.

So wait, what's Yuka?

So Yuka, the app, Y-U-K, Yuka, is an app that my girl got, like my family, my wife, she's like, we got to start scanning our fucking food.

Okay, hold on.

Okay.

Keep going.

Yep.

So.

So, so we got the Yuka app and she starts scanning shit.

And like, for example, you scan Entemin's Donuts, which I know donuts are not healthy.

Everybody knows that.

But when you scan Entemin's Donuts, a possible score, like Spinach gets 100 out of 100.

Entamin's gets a zero out of 100 with 10 additives in there that all cause cancer.

The redder the additive, the more it causes cancer.

You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Entemin's donuts.

No, no, but, but I knew, no, but see, but then there's other things, like a protein bar.

I was just at the Coffee Fix bagel store in LA yesterday, and I went to go get a protein bar with my egg sandwich, and I scanned one protein bar, one flavor, the same protein bar.

I scanned one flavor, it got a 30 out of 100, and the other flavor got an 80 out of 100.

Let's bring it in.

It's about to get scanned.

Oh, just start with, start with.

Oh, my God.

Start with Cheese Whiz.

Cheese Whiz, I'm going to scan this.

I do that.

She's good.

I scanned her.

She's good.

She's 100 out of 100.

Easy cheese.

Here we go.

Cheese whiz.

Oh, my God.

A two out of 100.

Holy shit.

Easy cheese pasteurized, two out of 100.

Additives, five additives, two high risk.

Oh my God.

Look at these fucking sodium phosphate.

This additive contains phosphorus, a minimal whose current intake exceeds recommendations, have a harmful effect on the kidneys and increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

Calcium phosphates could be present in nanoparticles, increased cardiovascular kidneys.

I mean, so this one's fucking out.

The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this.

I had an Oscar Meyer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun cut in half with this on top.

Amazing.

It was so good.

I guarantee you, I haven't been home, but I guarantee you that was my three-year-old's exact lunch.

But, dude, so what I like about the Yuke app is they give recommendations.

So, this cheese whiz can go fuck itself, but then we got what's better?

You ready for this?

Yeah.

How about this?

You want a cheese?

I'll tell you what, cheese.

Get the organic pasta for cheese from organics.

82 out of a hundo.

And that's got no additives.

All right, yeah, let's get which one.

Which one do you think is possibly going to be good?

Which one out of these do you think is healthy?

Quest.

Quest.

Here we go.

Let's fucking see.

16 out of 100.

So bad.

Fuck.

Dude, let me tell you something.

They're no sponsor, right?

I think I just buy them because they're keto.

Dude, the additives are fucking crazy.

The sodiums threw.

Now, I'm saying all this, but also I will tell you, full disclosure, I ate a toasted blueberry muffin with butter on the way here.

And there was no barcode, so I couldn't scan it, so I just threw that puppy back.

But this has calcium carbonate.

This has all these things linked to cancer, linked to heart disease.

So 68 out of 100.

Let me just give you a recommendation, though.

You know what's a better one?

You ready for this?

You think these protein ones are good?

What they're suggesting you eat are the harvest Frito-Lay chips.

Those are 51 out of 100.

Because they have no, because they're all about the ad.

So what they're doing is in order to get you low additives.

And that's what causes problems.

Because the calories and the, you can burn all that shit off.

All right, go to the bottom.

Nerds will be good.

Nerds will be healthy.

Let's see what nerds are.

I guarantee you, if nerds even gets one point, I'd be shocked.

Nerds is four out of 100.

I mean, get these the fuck out of here.

Hang on.

Zero carb.

All right, let's go shin tortillas.

I fuck with these.

24 out of 100, folks.

It's not bad, considering my diet's been in the 18s.

Not bad since it's, but it's got 10 additives.

These six of them are high-risk that are directly linked to cancer.

Mayonnaise, go mayonnaise.

Mayonnaise.

Fucking, come on, mayonnaise.

Come on, mayonnaise.

You're on everything.

Come on, let's go, mayonnaise.

You're on everything.

This is a 15 out of 100.

Jesus Christ.

This is a 15 out of 100.

Do I eat anything above 50?

No, let's see.

Light.

Let's do.

Come on, tuna fish.

Come on, let's see if tuna's good.

Come on, tuna.

Tuna's a 90 out of 100.

Star Kissed.

Fuck yeah, Starkist.

Absolutely.

Promo code Star Kiss.

Starkist just sent me so much tuna.

Tuna's good.

They sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview.

Yep.

Fuck yeah, Starfish.

Excited to tour the UK and ireland coming up i'll be in dublin march 15th belfast for two shows at waterfront hall on march 16th first show is sold out we added a second show manchester is march 19 london march 20 glasgow march 21 nottingham march 22 and cardiff march 23.

go get your tickets please at tomskura.com slash tour it can absolutely feel like there's not enough hours in the day to do everything you need to get done with tonal which is my favorite workout experience I've ever had other than a personal trainer.

I have to say that you can ensure you're checking workout off your to-do list with the convenience of having an at-home gym in your house 24-7.

Tonal is the smartest workout that effortlessly fits into the busiest lifestyles.

And with the latest iteration, Tonal 2, you can ensure your workout is more tailored and more effective than ever.

Tonal adjusts in one pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds, challenging even the most advanced users to push their limits.

Plus, the new built-in Smart View leverages a high-resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your workout, analyzes your movements, and provides real-time coaching with just like a personal trainer.

And by the way, my favorite personal trainer is Ontonal.

Akeem is my guy.

I've been using him for a long time on an old running app I used to do.

And now I work out with Akeem every time.

Check out Akeem.

It's on Instagram.

He's A-K-C-K-D-N-T-S-T-P, I think.

But I love this guy.

And his workouts are awesome.

Here's what's brilliant about Tonal is you go in, it tests your strength, and then it sets up the program.

Dude, you can go in and go, I only have 15 minutes.

You find the program on Tonal that's 15 minutes on your phone.

You program it in, you do the workout, and you're done in 15 minutes.

And I promise you this, if you do a 15-minute workout on tonal, you'll end up doing a 36-minute workout.

You'll end up doing two workouts.

Once you break a sweat, you're like, I'm in.

It rocks.

I love tonal.

And right now, tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your tonal purchase with promo code Bears.

That's tonal.com.

And use promo code Bears for $200 off your purchase.

That's tonal.com, promo code Bears for $200 off.

Life moves fast.

And sometimes,

if you're like me, you need a way to relax, recharge, stay focused without overcomplicating things.

And let me tell you something, that's where Vaya comes in.

If you haven't tried it yet, you're seriously missing out.

Whether you need to unwind, refocus, boost your mood, boost your energy.

Vaya is here to enhance your everyday and

for myself, sometimes night.

Trusted by over half a million happy customers, Vaya is the game-changing in the natural wellness space, blending powerful, high-quality, hemp-drived ingredients to deliver real, effective-driven benefits, whether you're looking for sleep to a little deeper or better libido or improve your focus, recover, or just like I do often is just simply relax at the end of a day.

Vaya has tailored solutions just for you.

Trusted by over half a million happy customers, Vaya is changing the game in natural wellness, blending powerful, hot quality hemp-derived ingredients to deliver real, effective-driven benefits.

Whether you're looking for better sleep or better libido, improve your focus, recover, or simply just relax, VIA has a tailored solution just for you with products ranging from zero to high cannabinoid levels via lets you fully customize your experience to fit your needs whether you're looking to support your daily wellness routine enhance your focus clarity or unwind and deeply relax via has you covered from their award-winning effect forward gummies to premium indoor grown THCA flour and calming drops every via product is thoughtfully crafted and made with organic, lab-tested, hemp sourced from trusted, independent, American-owned farms.

Let me tell you something.

Vaya is legit.

I love it.

And you know, I'm an all-or-nothing guy.

If I'm drinking, I'm drinking.

If I'm eating edibles, I'm eating edibles.

And trust me, this is my go-to.

If you're 21 and over, check out the link to VIA in our description and use code BEARS to receive 15% off.

Free shipping on orders over $100.

And if you're new to VIA, get a free gift of your choice.

After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them.

Please support our show and tell them that we sent you Enhanced Your Every Day with VIA.

I'm so glad you got it.

Keto Coconut Mix, 17 out of 100, folks.

See you fucking later.

Get the fuck out.

Yeah, let's do raisins.

Everyone's favorite American treat.

Let's see fucking raisins.

If they didn't have a barcode, this doesn't even have a fucking barcode.

Get it out of here.

Oh, Edamame, the Japanese are healthy.

Let's see what the Japanese are doing.

Unless it was World War II.

Exactly.

Japanese, 51 out of 100.

It's not bad.

I'll eat it.

Not bad.

50 and over, and it's good.

It says good.

It's green.

But, dude, can you believe that?

I'm getting that Yuka app.

Come on.

I won't read it out.

LD.

Come on, LD.

Come on, LD.

Liquid Death, 100 out of 100.

Fuck yeah, let's go.

Drink your liquid death.

It's mountain.

Yeah, it's mountain water.

It's still drinking water.

Dang it.

I'm going to get in this.

I'm going through my whole thing.

Dude, you get the Yuka app, and I'm telling you, but the only thing I,

don't scan alcohol.

You don't want to see the alcohol.

As a matter of fact, when you scan the alcohol, it just says, it just says, you know what you're doing.

That's what it does.

It goes,

well, it goes, you know what you're doing.

And it won't give you a score.

For real.

Swear to God.

So how much alcohol do you drink?

Me?

Yeah.

I drink, well, I actually, two weeks ago, two weeks ago, I realized, because I'm not usually a big drinker, but two weeks ago, I realized, I just thought back and I drank 31 days in a row.

But not drinking to get drunk.

I just had a drink.

You know what I mean?

I just had a little cash drink.

But so I've been trying to not drink as much, but I got to be honest with you, babe, sometimes it's nice to just have a little wine yeah it's nice to have a little tequila come on you know what i mean i like to just have that a little vodka a little vodka just a sip just a taste yeah because it's either that or i eat a fucking muffin and the yuka app's going to tell me don't eat the muffin i what i'm trying not to drink tonight okay but you just literally told me you're going to drink before couples therapy which is in 50 minutes

no one brought me one Right.

When I went to their first couples therapy, I said,

I'm not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and and then?

What you say?

Of course.

100%.

She goes, why would you?

She's a good therapist.

She goes, I would love to.

And then Leanne was like, please, I would love to

see what you get when he's drunk.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I've been doing, we're doing,

I'm like, I'm, I've won two.

We've tied on two, I think.

Yeah, it's good.

That's good.

A couple of therapy, yeah.

You do.

Yeah, we got couples therapy.

It really helped us a lot.

It was rocky at first because the couples therapist, after knowing us for a couple of weeks, was like, maybe you guys should, maybe, is there an idea of like entertaining a a possible open relationship?

Is that possible?

Okay.

And I swear to God, I said, I said, I'm not, no, I don't, I don't want to do that.

That's not, you know, at all.

And then she's like, okay, but then I said, but just to ask some follow-up questions,

what does that imply?

Let's like, you know what I mean?

Like, do you want to, what does that mean?

And then, you know, it was just silent.

And then when we, as soon as we left that fucking therapy session, I mean, my girl was pissed.

She was like, follow-up questions?

What's the fucking follow-up question?

And I was like, I don't know.

Because I just, I, I think I thought that I got a little nervous about like, okay, one woman for the rest of my life, one woman for the rest of my life.

So I just got frantic, but now I'm calm.

Now I'm good.

And I'm like, this is good.

This is good.

You want one woman and we got a beautiful family.

We got engaged now.

So, yeah, okay.

So I've always been confused because like I listen to clips of the podcast on

Instagram

or on YouTube stories or YouTube.

And I go, wait, are they together?

Are they broken up?

Right.

Honestly, sometimes we didn't even even know.

And sometimes we were just getting, we were out of control, but now we are fully together.

Yeah.

We've

committed.

Yeah, it's just good.

I want it to be that way.

We got a family.

We got our kids.

And we've been good.

Now we're engaged.

And I say wife.

I say we're married, but not technically married yet.

But Puerto Ricans, they said, as long as you're engaged, you're fucking in.

That's what it is.

So we're going to get married.

We're going to do a Puerto Rican song.

Get married in my backyard.

For real.

Which is, that's how we roll.

And so, and so, but it's fun.

I like it.

You know what it is?

I feel great being committed to it because then it's like, then it's like you just focus.

Like you just say,

I got my family.

I got my wife.

I got, we're going to do my career.

And this is great.

And the family's happy and everybody's happy.

And I'm like, oh, I was just scared of the commitment.

And that's why I was in therapy for years because I couldn't commit to anything.

Girls, my career, my fucking hair.

I just couldn't commit.

And it's, and it's exhausting to not commit.

It's literally exhausting.

Fucking your hair is exhausting.

You like that, dude?

Job, man.

What's that like?

What?

Just to have that much hair.

Dude, I just, well, you know, all my friends are bald, so I just spiked this puppy up.

I just, I just did it up, and

it's good.

And also, I'm scanning my hair products on Yuka.

I only use fucking 50 over 100 hair products per day.

Are you serious?

Because the creams, all the creams and lotions.

You can do like lotions on Yuka?

Dude, the lotions, the lotions that you put on your body.

Some of these things are one out of 100.

Some of them are just pure fucking cancer.

Some of them are like you literally might as well just move to Chernobyl.

It's like you're literally rubbing yourself down with Chernobyl juice.

But the Yuka app saves.

I'm Chrissy Aveno, dude.

Aveno's good for you.

I want to get this new.

I just got a new face lotion from Dr.

Diamond.

Oh, my God.

Okay, that is not going to get a good score.

Oh, I bet.

Dr.

Diamond?

Someone get me my Dr.

Diamond lotion.

Oh, my God.

It's like $500.

Dr.

Sounds like it's somebody in Trump's cabinet.

Hey, someone bring it up, but bring it up the way it was presented to me.

Yes.

Give the whole presentation.

Can we scan Dr.

Diamond on the pot?

Buddy?

Yes.

I hope it goes big.

Oh, dude.

I'm thinking about what do you think about men getting plastic surgery?

What I think about men getting plastic surgery is I think we shouldn't do it.

Just like I think men should never get paternity leave money.

I think a man who goes on paternity leave, I think men who go on paternity leave

are

look at this guy.

This is this is somebody

this

dr.

Diamond.

Hang on.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Dr.

Diamond.

Dr.

Diamond.

Turn on your skin.

Dr.

Diamond is

the best plastic surgeon in all of LA.

Okay.

And I don't know why he sent me this.

Feel this.

Feel this.

It's magneted.

Magnet.

Magneted.

Dr.

Diamond, they said, is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA, and he spells medicine, M-E-T-A-C-I-N-E.

I think it's a branding.

Wait, where's the, and it doesn't have a barcode?

Doesn't have a barcode.

Oh, look, I had already got Kaludu Plum Raspberry Oil Face Mist.

It just scanned something.

It might be the mayonnaise.

Yeah, it literally thought.

Wait, I literally face mist just popped up.

Hold on.

It's just scanned it.

Hold on.

No, I don't know.

There's no fucking barcode on it.

Wait.

Yeah, it's high-end.

It's got high-end shit.

Biomedic.

Hey, you know what?

Dr.

Diamond's medicine.

Let me write him in.

Okay.

I'm going to write him in.

Hold on.

He hit me.

He sent that to me.

And then I thought, is it, is it?

Okay.

Dr.

Diamond's medicine plasma.

That's what this is called.

I think that is.

49 out of 100.

So it's poor.

It's not bad.

It's got fennexenthanol, which is a moderate risk, which is just a potential allergen.

But it's actually,

this one is mostly green.

Fucking Dr.

Diamond.

Dr.

Diamond actually came through.

Dr.

Diamond actually came through with.

I was surprised by that.

Dr.

Squatch is the better doctor, they're saying here.

Dr.

Squatch?

They're saying Dr.

Squatch is excellent.

Dr.

Diamond's poor.

That's what they're saying.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to err on Dr.

Diamond.

Yeah.

Squatch is the one you get in Target, right?

Squatch is the one you get in Target, but Squatch is the one Joe Rogan uses on his pits.

For real.

Joe Rogan, when I did the show a couple of weeks ago, me and Yannis went on, Historianus went on, and he told us to smell his pits.

And because he said that he's scentless, and we smelled this Dr.

Squatch arm pit juice, and it was fucking awesome.

So I could see why this is 100.

This is Rogan pit approved.

Dr.

Squatch.

Yeah.

This is good, dude.

See, this will go in my ass.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

So I had a debate with my wife and

my parents.

So I was thinking, everyone's going to get hair transplants.

Everyone's going to Turkey.

Everyone's going to Turkey.

As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together.

They will fucking kill Ari in Turkey.

That is the enemy of all enemies.

I mean, they couldn't think of a worse.

I think historically, someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey.

I mean, yeah.

They are actually waiting for fucking Ari to turn him into Turkey.

They're going to put him under, he's going to wake up and they'll be like, it'll be just like the old Mendela.

Yeah.

Was it his Mendela?

Yeah.

Dude, Ari's going to be fucking packaged and scanned on the Yuka app after he goes to Turkey.

God, I hope somebody kills Ari.

He's so great.

Just watch him go to hell.

It would be.

It was just comedy.

It was just comedy.

He had all his fucking jokes.

But I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting your hair done, or getting like a CO2 laser treatment,

any of that shit.

Right.

And there was, Leanne was, Leanne's like, Leanne's theory about all of it is you want to age because those, you've earned those lines.

You've earned that.

That shows the life you've lived.

It's a gift to get, she's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day.

Yes.

And one day it's just sediment.

Maybe that's a bad example.

I agree.

I see what you mean.

Leanne is a rock in the ocean.

Yeah.

And she goes, do not get hair transferred.

Leanne is wet.

Leanne is.

But like, what do you think about, like, if you found out a guy got Botox or got collagen in his cheeks?

Here's what, here's what, whatever you want to do, your body, your choice, whatever you want to do.

When guys, though, start to get Botox, and it just makes me think you're a little insecure.

And the thing that scares me the most of any, and the person I want to be around, I mean the fuck at least in my life, is an insecure man.

Oh, no.

Insecure men, by the way, I am probably pretty insecure.

Yeah, but you're not, though.

But But I'm insecure comedy heavy.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, I'm insecure, and like, the thing I do is I lean towards comedy, and that's my makeup.

And so it's okay.

Yeah, you're balanced.

You're 100 out of 100 on the UCAP.

You're balanced about.

You're good.

You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself.

You won't.

No.

So, but I'm talking about a guy who's getting like collagen and Botox.

It's just weird to it.

It's just because the insecurity of it, it's like we're guys, dude.

We're supposed to eventually just look like our balls.

And I just believe that.

At the end, you look like your testicle.

You're like, I'm not a little stupid, right?

Yeah.

That's what it is.

You go back to what the creator is of your fucking sack.

Yeah.

So I don't want to do any plastic surgery like that.

I'll put product in my hair.

You know, I'll try to look relatively presentable.

You know, I'm going to Jimmy Kimmel tonight.

My whole offer's from Zara.

You boy don't fuck around.

And so,

you know, shout out Zara, dude.

I stepped up.

Queen Center Mall.

Shout out Woodhaven Boulevard.

Have better sex with Blue Chew, the original brand offering chewable tablets that help men achieve stronger, harder, and longer-lasting erections.

These erection-enhancing tablets are designed to boost your performance whether you're planning ahead or need to be ready at a moment's notice.

Blue Chew is putting its money where its mouth is by offering you a month for free.

The process is simple: sign up at Blue Chew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, your prescription will arrive within days.

Made in the USA, Blue Chew tablets are shipped directly to your door, and you can take them anytime, day or night.

Best of all, everything is done online, no doctor's visits no awkward conversations and no waiting and pharmacy lines i got to tell you i love taking these uh i take them sure before sex i also take them in the morning before a long drive uh before the gym or just going out to lunch just seeing where the hardness will take me make life easier by getting harder and discover your options at bluechew.com we got a special deal for our listeners try your first month of blue chew free visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast.

What's in store for the future of business?

Ask nine experts and you'll get 10 different answers.

Bull markets, bear markets, fluctuating rates.

If only we had a crystal ball to predict it all.

Until then, over 41,000 businesses have future-proofed themselves with NetSuite by Oracle, the number one cloud ERP that unifies accounting, financial management, inventory, and HR into one seamless platform.

With one source of truth, you gain visibility and control to make quick, confident decisions.

Real-time insights and forecasting let you peer into the future with actionable data.

When you're closing the books in days and not weeks, you're spending less time looking back and more time focused on what's next.

There's nothing better than feeling like you're not wasting time.

And why not do it with your business by having everything all in one place and something you can rely on?

Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities.

Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning at netsuite.com slash bears.

The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash bears.

That's netsuite.com slash B-E-A-R-S.

Think about some of your favorite comforts in life.

My most important source of comfort, a nice supportive mattress that keeps me cool throughout the night.

That's why I love avocado green mattress.

Their mattresses are so supportive with over a thousand steel coils individually encased in fabric pockets and arranged in multiple gauges and seven distinct zones to reduce motion transfer, distribute weight evenly, and keep your back aligned.

And the quality is unreal.

Low quality memory foam breaks down in a matter of years.

Avocado mattresses are handcrafted from the finest natural organic ingredients for superior durability and are designed to last.

And because avocado is committed to affordability, they own their springs, wool, and latex supply.

Avocado delivers significant savings without sacrificing quality.

Their eco-organic mattress is their most affordable mattress without compromises.

A certified organic hybrid latex mattress with a medium firmness, the perfect balance between plush softness and solid support.

Head to avocadogreenmattress.com today and save up to 20% on avocado certified organic mattresses.

Avocado, dream of better.

I almost wore a collared shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child.

Right.

Like I dress like a child.

But it's fun.

It's you.

I know, but like I get, I get start getting like in my head about like, you know, should I, should I be dressing and acting like a 52-year-old?

Right.

Like, no.

Sandler sure as hell doesn't.

He doesn't.

And look at him.

But he's got like a style.

Right.

You have a style.

You do no shirt, jeans.

No shirts, jeans and flip-flops.

You're the only guy.

You're the only one.

I've said this before.

You're the only man who I genuinely like who wears jeans and flip-flops.

Most men who wear jeans and flip-flops, I want to walk up to them and say, if you think your wife's not cheating on you, you're mistaken.

There's no way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes.

Okay?

Why?

You New York guys are not a fan of bare feet.

But the thing is, you, I don't know what it is.

You're just the guy and everyone's, you just, the way you do it, maybe because you're the opposite of insecure.

You're confident with it.

And I'm like, that's just Bert being Bert.

I mean, you're barefoot.

You know what I mean?

We You're barefoot right now.

You're barefoot right now, dude.

You make me want to take my shoes and socks off.

And I like that.

But I don't like a sandal.

I don't like it.

I don't think it's, I don't, the last thing I want to see is your toes moving.

So when you go to, so when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers?

She's Puerto Rican, so she wants to go to the beach a lot.

And I will, I refuse.

Yeah, I have sneakers on, and I'll take the socks off usually, and I'll just go, I'll fucking, I'll put on slip-on skechers.

Like my dad, I'll put on water shoes.

The last thing you'd see is my feet, dude.

I hate my, it's just gross.

For real?

It's just, well, it's just like, I'd almost rather, I'd rather literally, for me, it's, if you were like, what's gayer?

For real, what's gayer?

A man's foot on your, a man's foot on your face or his balls on your nose?

I would say his foot on my face.

Because the balls on the nose is like, that's just high school getting teabagged.

Shout out Coach Curran.

Yeah.

But

Camp.

1987.

Yeah, but

the sandals, I think it's just so.

You're a Florida guy.

So in New York, nobody would be wearing jeans and sandals.

When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Kino flip-flops.

Kino are like, it's like the Florida flip-flop.

You get them in Key West.

They're made out of tires by Cuban women.

They cost like $10 and they last forever.

And I wore Kino flip-flops everywhere.

And my toenails were painted.

Right.

And we're talking 1999.

Yes.

And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck?

Yeah.

I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me, I need to put socks on.

Yes.

He's like, you need socks on.

Well, the Dominicans do that.

That's the difference.

When you're a kid, you learn Puerto Ricans will wear sandals with just barefoot, and Dominicans throw a sock on and put on a sandal.

So I go, if anything, I lean towards Dominican, even though my family's Puerto Rican, but I do have Dominican.

If I'm going to put on sandals, Dominican style.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you, are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian?

More Puerto Rican.

They're the most Puerto Rican.

They look Puerto Rican.

They look now.

My daughters are starting to look real fucking Puerto Rican.

For real?

Like real deal Puerto Rican, dude.

My nine-year-old is fucking just a tattoo on her tit.

And so

they're starting to look

real deal bro that clip we did a long time ago oh yeah and we were talking about uh

you were you were like i'm just i think you got emotional i did i started crying and then i started crying and that was like the i think that was the first out of many times i started crying yes that was like my first where i was like because i got i was like i was i never would cry because i was like people are gonna think you're weak and then i got such positive feedback from that one clip yeah like that's you know that's how I met Izzy, Israel Adesanya.

Oh, really?

Is he DM'd me about that clip?

He goes, dude, this is powerful shit.

You and him having this conversation is strong, man.

Yeah.

I can't wait till you come to New Zealand.

I want to see your stand-up.

And I was like, okay.

But that has, how has that been?

Like that clip.

No, with working and being around for your kids.

So, so what it's been now is, is, is, is I've, I now, like, I just have a rule.

I only go away

two weekends a a month max, or sometimes one.

If I can make enough money to justify one, then it's just one.

So I'm just like, I just, for me, but everybody's different.

For me, I'm just like the guy.

Like, I don't want to be, first of all, I get very uncomfortable leaving the original 13 colonies to begin with.

I'm an original 13 guy.

I'm big on the Founding Fathers.

I believe in their version of America, which is the fucking original 13 puppy.

Doesn't even include Florida.

You can make a lot of money in just those 13 colours.

Well, that's what I'm trying to do.

I want to go back on just the original 13 colony tour.

And I like, I don't, I like

Chris.

Yeah, dude, Chrissy the fucking patriot.

And so, and so I, sons of Liberty, Chrissy.

So I, I like coming out to California and all these places.

I really do.

But I just want to be close to my family.

It's just how I am.

Like, well, comedy for me, I love doing it.

I really do.

But I didn't ever, I was never the guy that like knew the history of comedy.

I didn't watch any comedy movies.

I didn't know.

I just started doing it as a goof.

I was a physical therapist.

I fucking did an open mic at the Maui Taco, but I was a physical therapist.

Like fully, that was my life.

And then I just liked it.

And then very quickly got on MTV.

And then shit just started going, going, going.

And now it's become like the whole career.

And I'm just like been lately questioning, like, do you, is this actually what I want to do though?

I don't know if I, I think it is, but I'm like, I don't know.

Cause I, like, I see guys that fucking love it.

Yeah.

And I'm just like, I don't know.

I don't know that I do.

I love it.

I like having fun.

I'm having fun with you right now.

But it's like, do I love it?

I don't know.

I've never been, I don't know.

Like, I'm very, very, very, very, very comfortable being in third place.

Like, I have, Bert, when I mean zero, I'm talking about fucking zero out of a hundred on the Yuka app desire to be the best ever.

I couldn't fucking care less, dude.

I don't want to be the best.

That would suck.

I felt the same way you did for a very long time.

Yeah, but look at how big you are now.

No, but no, but I think what happened with me is I, you get, this, I mean, this is exactly what happens: is you take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it or a TV show or a tour or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you had no, that was never my

goal was never to try to be like a fucking, you know, oh, I want to be the fucking man.

I remember Schultz came on my podcast when I backed it out of my house or my old, old house.

And I was like, so what's the goal?

And he was like, to be the goat.

And I was like, what?

And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle and I'm coming after Bill Burr.

And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, oh, I just hope they think I'm funny.

Yeah, I don't have that energy.

I don't need it.

But what happens is is you start doing bigger things and then all of a sudden you have to, it gets out of control.

It gets totally out of control.

And you have 15 people working for you and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development.

You're writing another movie with another guy.

And then you're like, wait,

I don't know what, what did I get into this for?

It's almost like you go, like, what were we talking about?

Yeah.

And you're just a little lost.

And I think it's cool that like you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry-go-rout.

I have two very, very, very specific goals, and I've had them from the beginning.

One, my first goal was to have a sitcom about my father, like on the air and my family.

So that's in development right now.

So, God willing, it goes.

But that's like a goal that I'm really trying.

If this one doesn't work, I'll try again because it's very specific.

And then the second was to headline Madison Square Garden because I'm from New York and I'm doing that September 11th, 2025.

I'm doing the garden.

You're doing September 11th?

Yeah.

Isn't Isn't that fucking wild, dude?

That's crazy.

Pre-sale codes Hamas.

Is that really?

Oh, my God.

They wouldn't let me.

That's so good.

Yeah.

That's so.

You're doing

fucking gardening

September.

For real, for real.

Yes, Ron Funch commented nice.

Thank you, Ronnie.

Appreciate that.

And

shout out Ron Funch.

And Ron Funches.

But yeah, I'm doing that.

So

this is what I, so for me, and it's not about being the goat, which I respect Schultz doesn't.

Hold on, you realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.

That's what I mean.

So on it, but that's the thing for me is that I couldn't, like, here's, you want to know my career for real, for real?

I'm doing Madison Square Garden headlining the arena September 11th, 2025, September 19th, your boy's doing the Milwaukee Improv.

And I'm not going to sell it out.

And that's just what it is.

And so,

but in New York, which I've only ever cared about, you know, I just

so, you are such a New York comic.

Yeah.

You give two fucks about the rest of the country.

You fucking care.

I mean, shout out Milwaukee.

Shout out Jeffrey Dahmer.

But I literally.

I literally, my goal has been to I've worked up the chain.

You know, you do the venues, town hall, then the beacon, then Radio City, then the theater at MSG.

And now they put me on the big one.

And this is, to me, like how like making it like the goat, that's what it is to me.

For me, it's not about the other stuff.

It's, I just want to be big in New York.

And so

that's my goal.

And the tickets, you know, we're on sale right now, ChristieComedy.com.

So come see me September 11th, 2025.

I have, you know, the September 11th story that I've told.

That's like my mini, mini, mini machine kind of story.

It's like the thing that I'm known for.

I'm going to tell that at the end.

And then I got special guests coming out.

And

we just thought, you know, we were going to do this anyway, but I was like, I want to give, I was going to give like money to like, I was going to give like uh money to like

a 9-11 foundation, but now what I want to do is I want to just give like 500 tickets to like first responders.

That's a better move.

So, we're going to just do that as opposed to a foundation

gets lost in the fucking.

I want the first responders.

I want the first responders there.

So, um, everyone.

My class, like, dude, my like Montreal just for laughs class was fucking nuts.

It was like Hassan Minaj, Michael Che, Sam Morrill, Mark Normand, fucking Brooks Whelan.

There's like somebody, there's other people that I'm like forgetting that are like, it was like one of those Montreal classes where I was like, holy shitballs.

Famous fans.

Oh, yeah, dude.

Shane, Schultze, they know, like.

They know everyone.

Like, well, I was at the Laker game with Schultz.

We were sitting next to each other, and it was great.

And, you know, just get recognized, you know, obviously by everyone.

But then, you know, like.

The coach of the Lakers is J.J.

Reddick.

And, like, they're walking by and like, Shay just like, oh, what up, Schultz?

And it's just like, oh, you're just like, friend.

Like, you just know people.

I'm still not that.

Like, I'm not, and I'm not even,

I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just, I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me.

Sure.

Like, how many times I've said to people, you know my name?

Right.

And they're like, yeah.

And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

It's a weird, it's a weird thing.

I mean, but yeah, I mean, you, but I guess because you can't see you from the outside.

I can't.

I remember.

We could see you.

I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside.

Right.

Like,

I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is because I remember when he wasn't famous.

Right.

I remember what's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, just don't, just don't.

He was so uncomfortable.

I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieti and he was like, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm just going to stay in the back.

And I was like, okay, that's Shane.

Yeah.

Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieti, and Diplo.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, just hanging out.

And he's like totally casual.

Sure.

Because, you know,

but he's remained who he is, which that's what I love about it.

And you want to talk about penises.

Have you ever seen Diplo's dick?

No.

Pull it up.

Are you serious?

I mean, you want to talk about a fucking pocket rocket?

Really?

Whoa.

Diplo's penis.

Whoa, whoa, wee wah.

No, but there's no, but there's pictures of his beef.

You got to take your fucking safety off.

Yeah, take the safety off.

It's filters, filters.

His actual hard penis.

His actual hard penis.

I used to have it.

I used to try to pass it along as dick pics for me.

Whoa.

Whoa, what?

No, this isn't it.

Is that it on the upper left, maybe?

Is that it?

Who's that?

orlando bloom

who takes it after they took a piss yeah

i don't know i no that's not it

oh no it's damn it i wish i i don't have it in my phone anymore goddamn jasper started deleting it all

the ucap it should be on the ucap his piss dicks 100 out of 100 no added a big dick huh diplo's got a nice piece now yeah he fucks a lot i bet i don't know i don't know if he's in a relationship or what he's doing no that's the one that's the kind of guy that that is like afraid of commitment.

Yeah.

Once you get to, like, what is he?

He's got to be like 45, right?

Right.

40.

He's got, he's been around for a while.

And he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet.

And I mean, I just, I guess he like pencils in pussy here and there.

Yeah.

That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this?

Right.

To like move outside the city and the suburbs.

Right.

Because you could, because like Kate of Vici kill himself over it.

Dude, I just found out who that guy was.

I never knew who Vici was, and I saw it on

my name's Bill or something is the document on Netflix.

And I started watching it, and I'm like, oh, this kid's cool shit.

And then I start recognizing songs.

I was like, oh, I know this song.

They've done this song.

And both my daughters walked in.

They're like, oh, my God, he killed himself.

And I was like, wait, I've got to get at the end yet, you assholes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He fucking he killed himself because of this lifestyle.

Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you?

Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you?

And then yeah.

After the ninth time you get chlamydia, you're like, you know what?

I don't need to walk this off anymore.

Why don't we just retire the good old dick and balls?

And then now, at least I know when it paint, when it's, when I have a little pain during urination, I said it's not an SCT, it could be cancer, but that's better.

Yeah.

At least it's just a fucking prostate cancer.

You know, because I, you know, that, and I also just felt like, I kind of felt like there's no way I'm going to be able to even make it through this career unless I have some touch, like you have your rock in the ocean, Leanne.

Yeah.

Right.

So like I, that's, that's what I have.

I have, I have my empanada.

I have my empanada in the fryer.

Jasmine.

You have your bodega.

I have my bodega.

My bodega.

Because she's, you know, my little plantano.

Because she,

you know, and it's just nice to come home and be like, you know, I have someone who's, who's taking, like, like we feel like we feel like a good unit now.

I take care of the career stuff and our family.

Yeah, you know, and our family has what they want.

And then she takes care of the kids and the house and the home.

And then it all works together.

And it's like symbiotic, you know?

The best is when you feel like a fucking team.

Yeah.

When you look and you go, this is my team.

Right.

These are my guys.

This is my starting lineup.

Yeah.

And this is, and we've got each other's backs.

Yes.

Oh, it's the best.

It's amazing.

Yeah.

I do feel like I have a basketball.

I do feel like we're like a basketball team.

And two of my children are black.

But I am their father.

Yeah.

Yes.

Is that hers from the other one?

No, they're my kids, but they're just turned.

They came out.

Two of them came out black.

No.

And

we did the DNA test, and it's not, it's it's pending.

Okay, good.

But they are my children.

Yeah.

Tanisha.

Tanisha.

And Tarif.

God.

But yeah, you know, I, I, um, because, you know, the thing is for me, is I, you know, we have our three kids, stepson, and our two, two biological daughters.

And, and they, uh, you know, a lot of people get married and have kids, but we had kids and then got married.

So it's kind of cool for us because we're like, oh, our kids now will have memories of like our wedding, of when we we propose, like, oh, my kids were involved in it all.

So I kind of, there is like a little silver lining of that.

You know, a part of me is like, I wish I would have just fucking done this years ago.

No.

So I wouldn't like, you know, short sell my house in Staten Island.

The thing,

that's what I did.

Because I thought I wanted to, I was like, oh, me, we're not going to work out.

So I was like, let's sell our fucking beautiful home with a 2.8% interest rate.

But it's really just because I wasn't, I was scared to commit to anything.

And now I'm fucking out there, fucking dick in the wind with mortgage rates at 7%.

I'm fucking 20% sold in the pre-sale.

Do you run all your money?

Huh?

Do you run all your money?

So do you, are you good with money?

I'm more responsible with money now than I've ever been.

I have an accountant, of course, that I talk to.

Like, I talk to my accountant every day.

Really?

Because I want to have a relationship with him where I'm like, what are we investing in?

What are we doing?

Because that is my, I feel that's my responsibility.

Like, we have a little bit of an old school relationship in the sense of like I do the money, the finance, I bring home the bacon, and then she

takes care of the home.

Do you have like a log into your bank account?

Yes.

And you can check your money right now.

All day.

I got it on your phone.

And I got it diversified.

We got some, you know, we got some invested.

We got some in the cash account.

We got some in the kids 529.

We got some in fucking

Bitcoin.

Do you have some in Bitcoin?

Crypto, baby.

Woo, Chrissy Crypto.

I grabbed those coins like fucking muddy off.

For real?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Dude,

I bought a couple of biddies low.

I bought a couple of biddies in 2021, son.

For real.

So now, yes, so nothing's appreciated like that.

Like the bit.

I don't go crazy with it.

I got a friend who has 100% of his money in Bitcoin.

I'm like, bro.

Who signed the contract where they wanted their signing bonus?

An NFL player.

I don't know who it is, but

he has to have the most money in the NFL.

Yeah.

Because of how just much it's went up.

He has to.

Now, I don't understand it all, but I don't need to understand it.

So you ready for this?

So when we did the first Sober October, so it was before that.

So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin, $700,000 in Bitcoin.

What has he got now?

Wait, what?

He bought $750,000 of Bitcoin?

Yeah.

Yo, holy shmoly.

What is his Bitcoin worth now?

What is Odell's Bitcoin worth now?

Right there.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Would be worth about, what?

How is that?

No.

It's got to be worth more than that.

Only from $750,000.

Well,

I think, I don't know when you had to buy.

That's 2023.

Okay.

So it's been kind of fluctuating.

Right, there.

This is my biggest regret.

I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this.

But I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think Red Band was still doing the boars before Jamie.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

This is back in the day.

I remember in this episode, Red Band said, I said I didn't believe that women could squirt.

And Red Band said, I can make your wife squirt.

And Joe got snapped at him.

I mean, he was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate.

You can't do it.

I just remember that that moment.

She's a rock in the ocean.

Yeah.

And

Brian bought up Bitcoin.

And Joe casually said, we should just each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin.

Had we done that?

I think I did the evaluation.

It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out.

Right.

Like right when I think it was like 2016, 2017.

It would see what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 and now would be.

One is worth $97,000.

So what was it?

What was the cost of one Bitcoin in 2016?

Yeah.

One BTC.

Bitcoin.

BTC, baby.

$963.

So if I bought $3,000, I would have had

like five Bitcoins?

You would have had three at that point.

No, you would have had 3,000 Bitcoin.

They were basically $9.63, so you'd have had a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right?

No, no, no.

You're saying you would have taken.

Huh?

You'd have three.

I'd have three Bitcoins.

$300,000.

He was only spending $3,000.

I was only going to spend $3,000.

I was spending $3,000.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And then how much would three Bitcoin be today?

$300,000.

So it's a good investment.

Yeah, that would have been a good investment.

But the people who make the real, real money is when Bitcoin was like 22 cents and they bought like, you know, they put like 10 grand in it.

That's when it's nuts.

It's just crazy.

I didn't understand Bitcoin.

Can you explain Bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it?

Can you explain the concept of Dogecoin, Bitcoin, Hoctua Coin?

What was your take on Hoctuacoin?

Should they have put her to death?

Yes.

No, well, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

Yes.

Haktua.

See, the meme coins and stuff I don't know.

And I don't really, I don't, I don't fucks with that.

Yeah.

I just stay standard Bitcoin.

And for me, the thing with Bitcoin is, yes, I can explain it.

I really can't.

I don't know how to some Japanese guy.

I have no, it's, it's.

I don't understand mining for Bitcoin.

Anything from the brain of an Asian is too complex for me.

I try to watch everybody.

Dude, the brain of an Asian, I don't know what it is.

When they lost, this is when Asians lost me.

Tentacle porn.

Yes.

And I was like, okay, it turns me on, and I don't know why, and I know it's not real, and now I'm turned on.

You're done.

I'm done with Asians.

I'm done.

So, so anything that comes from that, that's a beautiful brain.

Like, Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain.

I would imagine his brain is Asian.

I mean, can you believe he's from South Africa?

Right.

And have you met South Africans?

No.

They're not all like that.

I believe.

They're like the rednecks of Africa.

Right.

And it's just fucker.

He's coming out.

He's good.

And so my thing is like, yes, I can't explain Bitcoin and I don't know how it fluctuates or whatever, but I also really can't explain inflation and why the Federal Reserve decides to do what they do either.

So in a way, it's like you can show me all this, you know, trigonometry, but it's like, at the end of the day, it's just somebody saying the rates are up because they're up and they're down because they're down.

And it fluctuates like that.

So that's the same as Bitcoin.

So for me, just because you can't explain it, it's like if I kept asking you questions about U.S.

money, eventually you'd be like, I don't know.

You'd be like,

I I can explain it to you.

Yeah.

I can explain it to you.

Yeah.

You ready?

Yes.

And you'll like this.

This is a history.

By the way,

I'm not like you.

I can't recite the exact history.

I can just tell you kind of what it was about.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm like autistic with history.

Like you started asking me because I'm like 1776, 1777.

Do you really?

I started to go like that.

So the first

American currency was introduced in like 1800s.

Yeah.

They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand.

Right.

You could hold them.

And they were the value of that gold coin, you knew that was the value of the thing.

So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada.

Right.

And they're like, we need like 3,000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys.

So don't, we're not going to go back to Mesopotamia.

Well, maybe it was.

Maybe it was maybe 1775.

But anyway, so this is the story.

So they said, let's just make paper currency.

Okay.

And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this.

And we're going to take over this town.

We're going to get all their fucking shit.

And we get all their shit.

You give me this and I'll give you that much in their shit.

Yeah.

Right.

And so everyone's everyone's like, okay.

So they gave everyone a fucking $3,000 in

or $300 in paper currency.

They went in, took over the fucking city.

They won.

Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked.

Right.

But they won.

And then everyone went, yo, here's my thing.

Can I get my stuff back?

And the guys are like, yeah.

And then a lot of guys are like, I'll just hold on to this.

And then when they were like, yo, this is easier than this.

So they're like, yo, I'll take these and let's just use these for now on.

But they said it only, the guy said when he said it, he goes, it only works if if we all believe in it.

So

no one can say no.

Everyone's got to believe in it.

And that's the shit with Bitcoin.

Yeah.

Everyone's got to believe in it.

So it's real, though.

But as soon as everyone believes in it, it's good.

Once JP Morgan and all of them are investing hundreds of millions of dollars, like it's not stop.

It's not going anywhere.

I'm not a big proponent.

I don't, again, I can't understand.

I'm not telling you put all your money in it, but you can't actually ignore it anymore.

I put a small percentage of my portfolio in that.

And I just, it grows.

And my thing is, I'm comfortable if, if it did go to zero, it's, it's, it's, it's a risk.

It's a high, volatile risk thing that I, that I have.

Um, but yeah, I don't, I, I can't explain, dude, I can't explain anything to you.

It's like, you know, you can't explain anything.

I was telling this to Peter.

We were, we were looking at some show on Netflix, and the guys had a Honus Swagner rookie card.

Sick.

And you know who Honest Wagner is?

Honest Wagner.

The Hall of Famer.

Yes.

And Pete, and my assistant Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that.

And I was like, yeah, but you got to understand, it's worth it.

And he's like, not to to me.

And I went, that's Bitcoin.

That's Bitcoin.

Oh.

Oh, we just believe it.

The baseball card right there, the Hohness Wagner.

Baseball cards are mini Bitcoins.

By the way, Hohnes Wagner, I mean, what, the face of a Nazi?

I mean, that is.

You want to talk about Nazi head?

If this kid, he would have been hitting the home runs, except the balls were Jews.

We watched Inglorious Bastards on tour in Europe with our tour manager, who's German.

The best.

That was really fun.

Yeah.

To watch him go, yeah, those are some bad guys.

These are bad guys.

This is, oh, this is so horrible.

Yeah, knowing full well those are his grandparents.

And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy.

We hear it.

I was on, I was, I did Bad Friends yesterday and was talking about Mass and Square Garden, and then we pulled up how the Nazis sold out Mass and Square Garden in 1938.

Do you know about that?

Everyone does after Tony Hinchcliffe set.

Yeah, everyone does.

But we were just thinking, like, how funny it was, like, you know, like the MC was like, and Dal, welcome to Manuel Hitler T.

Hitler.

I just, just coming out.

I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Howl Hitler wasn't even like a full Howl Hitler.

It was like a phoned-in one.

Well, you know, they were on meth.

You know, like Panzer chocolate, like chocolate, like that, that thing.

And you know what's a lot?

You know what's one thing people don't know a lot when I, you know, I again love history.

I love World War II and colonial America.

A lot of these German soldiers, these Nazis, you know, they were definitely the SS and the bad ones.

1,000% like pieces of shit, garbage people.

But a lot of them were good guys.

Well, FOMA.

no, not those guys.

No, all those guys were scum, but some of the Nazi army, the German army, they had no choice.

They were like, either you join the army right now or we kill you.

Oh, yeah.

And so they weren't working in the concentration camps.

They weren't, they weren't even maybe, some of them were not anti-Semitic at all.

They were like, we don't want to do this.

But then they gave them like this, you know, like crystal meth, basically, because they would even give it to the soldiers.

They would definitely give it to the SS guards.

Then they'd give it to the army.

And then, you know, the war ends.

The drugs start to go out of your system.

You start to have these mental health crises.

They would suicide through the roof.

And when they went back to Germany or whatever country they had to join the Nazis from, they were hated and they would be murdered.

So it was like

there's a period of like 10 years after the World War II.

Like it's really bad for like

quote-unquote innocent German people.

That's when my family came here.

Oh, for real?

Yeah, because I from Italy?

No, most of my ancestry is German.

Really?

To the point where I'm not even sure, because I did theancestry.com and it said 98% German.

So I'm like, was DeStefano a cover name?

I don't know if it was a cover.

Could you guys have lived in the Alps?

Well, here's the thing.

When I was a little kid, when I was a little kid, this is true.

When I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood, okay?

But when I was a little kid, people, the older people, older German people, are still living there.

They've died off now, but they would come up to me if I was like seven years old, walking in a store, and they'd be like, heidische feide, Heide, you know, like, and I'd be like, well, I don't know German.

But they thought I was German because my hair, I look like a little fucking German.

And then there was a...

You do kind of look German.

There was a guy who my grandpa my grandpa was american fought with the americans in world war ii my grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street great guy whatever and he would say they're war buddies and then he died my grandpa died and then i his name was charles and i remember asking my mom like years later remember charles grandpa you know pops and we used to call my grandpa pops pops and charles whatever and she's like yes like and what a beautiful story of those two huh you know and i was like yeah i mean it's great war buddies did they fight in like the same platoon she was like what do you mean i was like like what do you mean like, beautiful stroke?

Like, they met at the war, right?

And she was like,

kind of.

And I was like, what do you mean?

Where did they meet?

And she was like, honey, Charles was a Nazi.

And I was like, what?

She was like, yeah, he came here.

He fought with the German army and he just lived here.

And I was like,

oh, I didn't know that.

I was like, totally different story.

I didn't know that.

That's why you know he slapped Kinishes out of my hand.

Because the German, because like SS, so like there's a documentary, The Devil Next Door, this SS guard.

So like those guys,

the government still will hunt them down and arrest them.

But if you were just like a German soldier that was just like forced to find the army, which I guess this guy, Charles, was, it was like you just fought in the other side and it was okay, I guess.

But it's interesting.

My favorite Nazi story is

Alex Eichmann,

where they got him from, they extracted him.

Is it Eichmann?

It's Eichmann, I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann.

Just hit enter and it'll come up.

They pulled him out of Brazil, Adolph Eichmann.

Adolf Eichmann, a little different.

Alex Aichman.

American him up.

Yeah.

And they brought him to Israel.

And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust.

A lot of Israelis didn't believe it.

Because they're like, so hold on.

They killed everyone, but you guys are still here?

Right.

Tell me how bad was it if you made it out?

Right.

And

then they brought, when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust because he he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did.

This is what we did.

And he was saying, I was just a guy.

I was doing my job.

I was doing my job.

And you're like, wow.

My grandfather, who was in World War II,

he went in and cleared out

Nazi

death camps or whatever.

Concentration camps.

Concentration camps and saw his relatives, his cousins

as Nazis and was like, oh.

He's like, that would have been me.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

Do you think, because I'm into a lot of history as well.

Do you think when you listen to these stories of

Americans getting drafted in Vietnam or Korea or World War II, or World War I seems to be the fucking worst in my opinion?

That was wild.

Do you think that you

could have done that, could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole and everyone charge the berm?

I'm going to say no.

I'm going to say no.

I mean, all all I couldn't at all.

9-11 happened, and a lot of kids in my high school joined the army.

It was a lot of patriotism back then.

And I literally was online looking at ways to get excluded from the army.

And I swear to God, one of them was if you have psoriatic arthritis, which I was able to mentally convince myself I had and be able to prove in a court of law that I did have to avoid going to the army.

So I literally was able, so I'm going to say that I'm going to give you the answer is no.

I think if, you know, like when you watch like movies about like colonial America, I think I'd be the drummer in the back, I'd be that guy, the drummer holding the flags, to just get a cannonball to the head immediately.

I bet I could have been, I bet I could have focused in med school to become a medic.

Right.

I could have been like, no, I can imply myself.

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading.

I like reading.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to go to the fucking.

I could not.

I've been in the military when you hear those stories.

No way, dude.

I couldn't do it.

Now, here's one.

This one is my favorite little bit of history.

Okay.

We went to Serbia to shoot the machine streaming on Netflix.

Shout it out.

And

we saw a statue

of Gabriella Pritsip.

Okay.

I'm not familiar.

Gabriel Pritsip

is Type Min.

You spell it correctly, too.

Don't fuck around.

I think good luck.

He is

Gabriello Pritsip.

He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, to start World War I.

World War War I.

This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever.

And now here's my connection.

I mean, by the way, just real quick, just look at this guy.

This guy looks like he's in his mid-60s.

He died at 24.

Yeah.

He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think.

I don't know.

Maybe in Croatia.

But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia.

He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia, basically.

What he did is he stood up.

He was part of the young Turks, I think.

And he started that.

Now, here's what's what's crazy.

So, when they shot that CEO, yes,

same energy.

Right.

People look at that kid as a hero, and

it reminds me of this Gabriela Pritsip.

Right.

Of like this one gunshot changes the world.

This is the Luigi Manzione of Serbia.

Yeah.

I mean, listen, here's the thing with the CEO.

I don't like it.

I don't like a murder in the street at all, but I mean, you know, as well as anybody, I mean, this healthcare industry.

I mean, it's piggish.

Dude.

It's piggish, dude.

You know, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

I've come out and says, I've said out loud.

I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person.

No, good.

It's horrible.

He has family.

He has children.

He's a human being.

I'll tell you one thing is shine a light on how bad the healthcare system is.

Hell yeah.

I mean,

imagine, I don't know.

I feel like I'm talking shit, but imagine.

sacrificing your own life to change a system.

That's what this guy did.

That's what this guy did.

And that's what that guy did.

I'm not that guy.

Right.

But it's crazy that that's a thing.

I know.

I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonoscopy.

I mean, what a hottie with a body.

That guy's 100 out of 100 on the Yuka app.

I understand an ugly guy killing people, but a good-looking guy, what are you killing people?

Fuck for.

Dude, seriously.

Like Ted Bundy, he could have just fucked him.

Gorgeous.

Gorgeous man.

John Wayne Gacy, I get it.

Just get out of here.

Totally get it.

I mean, look at this kid, though.

Jeffrey Dahmer, understood.

Yeah.

Understood.

Look at it.

I mean, you know, he's just, he's got those lips.

Just give him a little kiss.

Yeah, I don't, yeah, I don't know.

I just went to, I just went to Florence, Italy, for the first time.

You ever go?

Yeah.

You went?

A number of times.

To Florence, specifically.

Yeah.

What do you go there for?

Just to hang out?

To work.

I always went there to work.

What do you mean?

What were you doing?

I worked on travel channels.

Oh, shit.

That's true.

Yeah, I was just there recently with Leanne and the girls.

Yeah, we took them to the house.

How many times have you been back and forth to Italy?

Oh.

Oh, I had one month where it was three.

I had one month where I went to Italy three times.

Back from the United States to Italy.

LA to Italy, back and forth three times.

For the show.

For the show.

For most cities.

It's for work.

To Italy.

I've been to Italy probably 12 times.

Wow.

And you always go to Florence.

Every time.

Well, you got to go to Florence, Rome, and Venice are the places to go.

Right.

I've also been to, I've been down to Barrie, down to the very bottom, been over to Greece through there.

What's crazy to me, what's crazy,

so I only travel, when I travel, I obsess about the history of that place.

Sure.

And I get really into the history of that place, and I want to know things about that place.

right and this last trip to Italy I was obsessed with Mussolini dude obsessed Mussolini is just

Mussolini is a lot like Nero okay, so Nero apparently wasn't he wasn't that bad of an emperor right like he was he he was he just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up and so the guy that came three dudes after nero was like yo yeah in order for myself to look good i gotta make your ex-boyfriend look bad yeah so he trashed nero he fiddled when rome burned truth is they hadn't invented the fiddle yet.

The fiddle wasn't even around.

So that's not a real story.

They did the same thing with Mussolini.

Mussolini was like, he invented fascism.

Like he invented it.

His only shortcoming was like he thought he was going to be best friends with Hitler.

He thought he was going to be best friends with Stalin.

And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory.

Yeah.

And so they trashed his memory and they made all these big gestures that won over a nation, foolish gestures.

Like, look at him.

Like,

yeah.

So I was obsessed with Mussolini.

It's interesting.

Yeah.

See, Mussolini is a guy I don't know a lot about.

I mean, I know they hung his body upside down.

With piano wire.

And his mistress next to her.

And her dress went over her head.

And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her.

Respect.

His wife lived.

His mistress got murdered.

Got murdered.

That's what happens.

Don't cheat.

I think that's very fascinating.

Yeah, because when I went to Florence,

it's a culture I didn't know much about.

For real?

But the last name like Destefano.

Yeah, but I told you I'm mostly German.

So I don't know.

But your dad's straight up.

No, he is.

No, and he told me that his mom was half German, too.

But he's culturally Italian.

He's culturally Italian, yeah, but I'm just full of Axis blood.

I'm all about the Axis powers, dude.

And I have a Japanese penis.

And so, but, but I loved it because, and I couldn't, I was so

amazed by the statues.

And I mean, everyone would just, you know, obviously the flaccid penis and the balls.

And I was just like, this is amazing.

And then every statue I noticed was, you know, men.

And then if there was a woman, almost exclusively, every statue of woman she's being in the statue and I'm just like what is the fucking what is going on with this and nobody could explain but I was like every statue I see in the square it's like a woman being like hurt and just a flaccid cock above her do you think Michelangelo after he was done sculpting David because you've seen it 17 foot tall I've seen David five times so that statue 17 feet tall he'd have to take three months just on the cock i think the david was supposed to stand on top of the duomo yes that's what it was and so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height of what you saw it from.

Yes, and everyone talks about the front of David, but you know you've been there.

When you walk around the back of David, I mean, this man has a wagon.

I mean, what an ass.

What an ass.

If that would have had a tattoo of a butterfly on one of the ass cheeks, I would have fucked it in the Uffizi.

Oh.

So, but you just went to Florence?

I just went to Florence.

I literally went to Florence for three days and came right home.

Oh, there.

This is my friend Don DePetta.

Do you know Don Burr?

Of course I do.

Yeah, that's Don.

He's a buddy.

How you doing?

He's got a fresh haircut.

look at good he's looking good you look totally different yeah he lost a little weight yeah your fucking mustache looks tight that's it dude the um so you just went to florence i just went to florence we literally here's the mistake we made and here's a little psa i'm sure you know this you travel so much we left new york at 4 30 p.m on the flight and we flew to paris and then transferred to Florence.

Do not take the 4.30 p.m.

flight when you're going to Europe because when you start to get tired at normal times, 10 p.m., 10:30, you're landing in Europe and it's six o'clock in the morning or five o'clock in the morning.

And the jet lag, I've never experienced it like that in my life.

That it almost like ruined our trip because we couldn't, we were missing dinner reservations.

We were missing,

you know,

museum reservations.

You got it.

The move is either just sacrifice a day and leave at eight o'clock in the morning and fly the whole day so your body's in regulation, or take the 10:30 p.m.

flight and get there at noon so at least you sleep.

Yeah.

Right?

Or fly private like Bert.

No, I don't fly private to Europe.

I've flown private to Europe.

Yes, yes, dude.

You've taken the fucking bus to Europe.

I've taken, no,

when we tour Europe, we have a double-decker bus.

Nice.

Fucking next level.

Hell yeah.

We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris.

And next week we're going to Spain.

Well, see, this is the beautiful, this is what I wanted to bring up.

Our kids are gone.

I was going to say, you are at the, here's what I want to say.

I was going to bring this up before.

You have a beautiful part.

You're in a beautiful part of your life from the outside looking in right now is because now, if you wanted to, you can live this beautiful life, which you're living, touring, all that.

Bring your wife, which, you know, because she doesn't have to stay home now with the kids, so she could come because you said the kids are out of the house.

So they either, A, don't want to be around you anyway because they want to hang out with their friends, or B, if they do want to come, they can come.

They're adults.

So that's what I hopefully am trying to stay alive to get to that point.

Because right now, it's very difficult for me to go away for so long when I'm missing my little kids.

But when they get older, I'm thinking they could either come with me or they won't want to see me anyway, and maybe this burden will be easier.

Because if you could put yourself, remember back to like when you were 40.

When you were 40, how old were your children?

They were probably eight and six, I'm guessing.

Right, so similar to mine, little kids.

You probably had more of a,

and you weren't, you weren't at this, you weren't at the level yet.

No, I wasn't not.

I was not.

But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money.

So you missed them.

I missed them all.

I was gone two weeks, and then on my week off, I'd go do stand-up.

Right.

And then I'd be gone for two weeks.

So is there a part of you now that you're older that regrets that?

Yes.

So see, that's what I'm trying to avoid because all my peers that came before me has went to as great heights as you had.

They always say,

I missed that part.

But you now, I think, are at the perfect part because your family can experience this with you.

How about this, though?

This is the thing I'll say is stand-up today is not what stand-up was 12 years ago.

What do you mean?

We all did clubs.

Like no one did theaters.

No one, no one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago.

Right.

No one did.

Unless you're the Nazis.

Joe Rogan, 12 years ago, I'm not even joking.

12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing

the Wilbur was like a big deal for him.

Sure.

I mean, I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but I mean, I just remember that, like, no one was doing theaters, no one was doing arenas, and now we're all, I mean, like, there's a handful of us doing arenas.

Sure.

I mean, a handful.

A lot of comics do arenas.

Right.

And that just didn't exist.

So

what do you think about how, so how do you say that?

I think opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it.

Like if you, like, there was like every comic, every comic did clubs.

So every comic did clubs.

So you didn't have, like, if you had an offer at a club, you had to take it.

Right.

So, like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic for me, then that one week off, I had to go do stand-up because those offers were hard to come by.

You need to remember.

Like, every fucking comic did, I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but like

there wasn't the opportunities that are out there.

Like, right now, when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month.

I go, that would be fucking incredible.

But if I had only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today.

I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore.

Right.

Because there just wasn't, because

they weren't putting in as many hours.

You had to be fucking hustling.

I think comedy was like a lot more of a hustle back then than it is now because of the internet.

Like I remember Ali Wong saying, you know, you can take a year off.

That is like, I mean,

I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to.

What are you talking about?

You got to keep your foot on the gas pedal.

And this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years of doing a stand-up.

I took off starting in July to now, and I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall.

But I've never

because you're liking the feeling of being off?

No.

Because you're doing other shit.

I wanted to reset my comedy.

I wanted to reset everything.

I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special be the beginning of the next special.

You ever think like maybe with the reset, instead of taking the shirt off, you'll take the pants off, you'll winny the pooett?

I wish.

I wish.

That'd be sick, right?

I wish I would, like, I, I, I, I, uh,

I don't,

I don't know.

I'm gonna be litigious with if this comes out wrong.

Okay.

There's a couple comics that don't wear shirts on stage now.

It's a good thing.

Right.

And

a friend of mine texted it to me, a friend of ours texted it to me and said,

This is insane.

Like that,

you're the first person to ever take a shirt off.

And now these people are taking their shirt off.

Like, but I didn't read his text.

I saw a dude with his shirt off.

Right.

And I clicked it and I go, the fuck is this guy doing?

Yeah.

And I was like, oh my God.

How many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy doing?

Because

I just did it to him.

He's like, this fucking fool with his fucking shirt.

And I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Like, what?

And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage?

Yeah.

But here's the deal.

I am more comfortable shirtless.

So you've got to go where you're comfy one thing.

Yeah.

I'm like, I just, I'm, I am doing who I am authentically.

Yes.

But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like, I don't know.

Well, the thing is, you want to make it, you wouldn't make it to the level you made it if you were inauthentic.

So that's the thing.

It's all authenticity.

My authenticity was so direct and honest that.

I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless in my Showtime special.

It was a Showtime special.

And they said, you're giving them a reason to change a channel.

Right.

Just when changing the channel was a thing showtime said that to you and look at him now she said legit can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off i said no you can't cut in between

and they go well i think this is a big mistake and it was it was the lowest rated special they've ever put out everyone changed the channel the second my shirt came off they said the ratings dropped right everyone turned it off okay no one No one thought this was a good idea.

Right.

But then with the internet, it was like you need a reason to go, what is that?

One reason where...

So it was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up.

Those clips from those, I put four clips.

The machine story, fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray, and

taking my daughter to first grade, John Henry story.

And I put four clips up, and I remember the machine, the first night got like 3 million views.

And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1 million, 750,000.

Like everyone was skyrocketing.

And then the machine got to like, I mean, I don't know, like fucking 10 million, 12 million, 20 million, 30 million.

That's like 50 million right now.

But I remember that's when Showtime's like, yo, pull it all off.

You got to take it all off.

Why?

Why would they want to take it off?

I was doing what?

Because they weren't benefiting from it.

They weren't benefiting from it.

Because you had it on your Burke Kreiser.

I was on my Facebook page.

Shit.

Yeah.

And they were going to sue me for like, for the price of the special.

I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business.

Yeah, because your ticket sales.

I'm telling them, selling tickets.

That was the first time ever you started.

So you only started selling tickets.

So when was that?

2000.

Does someone have a date?

2016, December 27th, 2000.

I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017, and I hadn't sold 200 tickets.

Wow.

I hadn't sold 200 tickets and we were, we were panicking, and promos weren't a thing yet.

Like I, no one was doing promos, and the machine story went viral.

And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur.

And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland Helium, Portland Helium Buffalo Helium and and New Jersey and I was like no that's crazy and because you had went 10 plus years of never selling out any shows not selling like you wouldn't come close buddy I I my I would comp they would pay you have to give money back to the club yeah a couple times no a couple times a couple times if you wanted to work there again yeah they got a fucking upside-down deal you're like yo let's figure this out did you ever think about that like how many years like think about yourself in the middle of those 10 12 years of not selling anything there must have been times you'd be like i'm it's just not good.

The people don't like it.

It's not going to work for me.

No,

my whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to, maybe I'm not good.

Maybe I'm just delusional.

Like your friends think you're good, you think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason.

The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up.

So I'd kill to 75 people, but it was also, you know, it was the road and the road, there were no rules to the road.

And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like, maybe this isn't going to work out.

And then it would work out for Tom.

And I was like, fuck, man.

And then I was like, getting older.

And I'd watch like dudes show up with, like, I remember Chris DeLia had like space pants on and like a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life.

And I was like, I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad's shoes.

I had plantar fasciitis, no shirt on, sandals, sweaty, jeans.

Yeah.

And I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me.

And then I'd be in the because you were already, what, in your mid-40s or something?

43.

Wow.

43.

So you were like, it's just over.

I was like, I was

comfortable being

just a journeyman comic, just a really good comic who, like, maybe not, maybe no one stayed in the room to watch.

But respected by your peers and all that.

Yeah, oh, and friends with everyone.

Hey, man, that was a good set, you know, but like, no one was like, hey, guys, Bert's on.

Like, you know, with the way they do for like, like, if Chappelle's in the room.

Sure.

If Rogan goes up, everyone goes, come on, let's go look at Rogan.

You know, I wasn't going to be that guy.

And I was like, cool.

And Rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the...

of the comedy store and he was like, hey, man, you need to get a Netflix special.

And he's like, you're too funny.

you need a netflix special and i'm telling you and i was like yo that's that's like saying hey man you need to a supermodel i was like how the fuck do i do that yeah he's like be undeniable yeah i didn't know what that meant yeah and i got fired from travel channel and uh and because of that i could do stand-up every single night and i just did it every single fucking night i did it every single fucking weekend and then one day a dude that i liked that was like really like the hot hot comic came up and he was like when did you get funny and i was like oh i've been i've been funny that was the other thing is i came kind of from out of nowhere so everyone was like, oh, he's this travel channel guy.

Right.

But yeah, I didn't get success until I was like 43.

But that's good because now you know what it feels like to not have success.

So you hold on to the success.

You don't take it for granted.

Well, yeah, yeah.

But I mean, that's why, like, I don't know.

I just, I was like fucking foot to the pedal to the metal.

Yeah.

See, see, for me, it's like, I get, because I, when I'm home in New York, I'm always working.

We're doing the also too, like, my generation, like the podcast.

You have a, you have, I mean, we didn't get paid for.

I mean, podcasting was like, it was like, we were early to the game game of podcasting, but like, you guys can go in and you guys are so

much

better at podcasting than us older dudes, I think.

Yeah.

I really think you guys, like, I watch you guys, I watch History of Hanging Us.

I watch Stavi.

I watch Hey Babe back in the day.

Like, everything.

You are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting.

But then I do one with you and I go,

it's fine.

It just moves.

Because I think too, for me, I think that's what sometimes the dilemma comes from, too, is because, like you said, there was no opportunity other than the comedy clubs.

For me, for my generation, it's like the opportunity is more on the internet.

So it's more on like the podcasting, and then we sell the tickets or whatever.

So I'm like, okay, here's the balance.

But when I'm home, I'm in New York.

I'm like, I'm doing spots every single night.

Like, I love, I would never stop comedy.

I love it.

But it's like this dilemma of like, okay, now I look at money as like, I try to look at them as like little freedom coupons where it's like, okay, if I go in on and God willing, I can sell out or make enough money, does this buy me enough time where I get now six weekends at home with my kids?

You know what I mean?

Like, that's the way I look at it.

That's the way I try to look at it.

So I looked at it this way.

I was like, yo, I didn't make money for like forever.

Yeah.

So now that I can make money, I need to,

this is exactly what I said.

I need to get us a big house.

Yep.

I need to get the girls in.

I got to pay for colleges.

And I was like, buddy, can you imagine being 43 and knowing that college is like four years away?

I don't know.

I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever, but like remember, thinking college is coming up and I don't have money for it, nor do I have money for Christmas next year, nor do I have money for,

I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage.

Nothing safe for the future.

I got nothing safe for the future.

I remember going and being in a, in a car in St.

Louis at the helium.

I'd done radio.

I was I drank on radio.

I was shirtless in the car.

I'm fucking 43.

And the manager looked at me and he goes, how long can you do this for?

Whoa.

And I was like, huh?

He's like, what are you going to be like?

A 50-year-old comic?

And I was like, oh, I don't know.

Am I sad?

Yeah.

I was like, wait, am I depressing people?

Like, oh, fuck.

And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for?

By the way, hadn't sold any tickets that weekend.

Yeah.

Hadn't sold any fucking tickets and got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage.

And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug Loves movies.

Wow.

And I was like, like a legitimate fight.

Like,

by far,

if

you download this, and I'm sure it's still out there.

Yeah.

And you hit play,

you will

never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life.

It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold-out comedy club where he is screaming at me, and I'm confused, and I'm drunk, and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers.

And I leave the room, and then I walk back into the room, and it gets worse.

And then I humbly apologize, and I get on stage.

And by the way, people don't know who you are yet.

You don't know who the fuck I am.

Dude, that was that weekend.

And I was like, whoa, I was like, motherfucker.

But the one thing I got out of that weekend was Google Trends.

He told me what Google Trends were, and I realized I started seeing spikes.

I started Googling why I spiked.

And I was like, oh, shit, I guess Rogan's a spike.

I didn't know that.

I was like, I used to Ted Rogan's.

I knew I got followers, but I didn't know it would help my career.

And then I was like, wait, oh, when I'm with Tom, that's a spike.

Oh, when I'm with Ari, that's a spike.

I was like, okay, well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more.

And then I was like, oh, hot ones is spiking.

What's hot ones?

Google Google it.

Check it out.

I was like, oh, shit, hit up Sean Evans.

I go on Hot Ones.

Huge fucking spike.

I learned and I marketed my career based on that.

But man, I am like, I like

look back and I am so

fucking lucky that I took my shirt off.

I posted that machine clip and I met Joe Rogan.

Those are my three things.

Three things.

Three things that happened.

Had one of those things not happened, I don't know if I'd be where I am.

Like if the machine, if I didn't post a machine, no, I'd just be like, I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.

You'd be dead in St.

Louis.

Yeah.

You'd be shirtless, dead in St.

Louis.

It's crazy, man.

But now, look, dude, it's fucking awesome.

Now you got, now, I feel like now is the good.

I mean, obviously, it's been great years, but now it's like, you know, get the family, get it going, beautiful home.

Oh, dude, it's amazing.

I make good money on the podcast.

We make great money on the vodka.

We're like doing well with the 5K.

Everything's good business right now.

And I'm just like floating.

And then I go, maybe I'll go on, maybe I'll do an arena tour.

Maybe I'll do do a theater tour maybe I'll go do clubs for four months I was gonna say you go back to the clubs it'd be wild well I wanted the funnest touring I ever have is get in the bus in California and just go across the country doing clubs clubs and just do a big loop for like two months yeah no kids at home just do two months of a loop yeah bring your have friends fly out and meet up with you have them on the road for two days amazing oh that we did that right before my special we went on the road for a month straight right doing clubs from LA all the way down to Tampa Jesus and no no no, no, up to where we started fully loaded.

And then we met up with everyone fully loaded, toured all the way through fully loaded.

By the way, where's Tom?

Tom was supposed to be on.

Where the fuck is Tom?

This guy just was supposed to be on.

Yeah.

And then I get a text at noon that he's not on.

What is Tom?

What is he?

Losing weight?

No, he's doing a hair thing consultation.

Is he doing it?

He's going to Turkey too?

I think he's doing it.

Dan Soder calls him hair tits, which is very funny.

I thought of that today.

No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace.

You think, right, does he have enough hair to replace it?

Because he's really bald.

Tom is insanely bald.

Oh, like his nose.

Tom's like chemo bald.

Yeah, yeah.

Like his hair receded here.

Like it's receding here.

So they're just doing a consultation.

I think he didn't want to go to Turkey.

I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done because everyone in L.A.

is like, you don't have enough hair to do it with.

Right.

So I think he may have to go to Turkey.

Right.

But that's why he came out to L.A.

and he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation.

And the guy's like,

I'm going to need to bring other people in.

to look at this.

Dude, he should have just come and did the consultation on the show.

He doesn't want anyone to know about it.

Well, now, well, okay.

Well,

sorry, Tom.

Let me tell you how bad I am.

What do you mean he doesn't even know?

He's just going to show up one day back on two bears with just hair?

No, he just

not talk about it.

He's like, let's look at this person shitting on me.

He was playing was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair.

I started shaving my head, I had hair.

People just think I'm just growing it out.

Right.

I was like, okay.

Sure.

You've been bald for 20 years, and now you're just growing it out.

Yeah.

Are you going to make a...

Hey, was your wife upset about the island of garbage?

No, she wasn't.

Was there any Puerto Ricans upset?

No, she go, honestly, look, I'm sure there were.

I'm really, of course there were.

I can only speak on my family.

My family just doesn't care

at all.

My, you know, my mother-in-law had a good point, I thought.

She was like,

That to me, that same thing.

She's like, I get the, you know, the problems with whatever.

She knows Puerto Rico.

She was like, I get the joke.

Maybe it wasn't the best joke or at a political rally.

I get all that.

She's like, but the media making a big deal about that?

She's like,

is the same thing that happened the first time when they made a big deal about Trump saying grab her by the pussy?

Where she was like, me as a woman, you think I haven't heard that from a man?

You think that I don't know

that men talk like that all the time?

That's not a reason I'm not going to vote.

That's not, she was like, that's not the reason.

That's not the reason.

That doesn't get me to vote for Hillary.

Now you make me want to vote for Trump more.

She said it was very, she had that same feeling about you're going to, now I'm going to let this white motherfucker on CNN tell me what as a Puerto Rican I should be offended by now we go to Donnie T.

Yeah, so that that's what it is.

So so that's basically what happened, you know, you know what actually is fucking wild too?

What?

So my

perception is reality, right?

Of course.

So who cares about reality?

100%.

And hang on, can I give you a gift?

Yes.

Apply that in your marriage.

Okay.

When you guys get, don't forget, perception is reality.

Great.

When you get into Tommy Chong said this to me, high as fuck.

When you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not.

You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm going to give, I'm going to take all these experiences.

I've done that and it fucking works.

Yeah.

Keep going.

So, yeah, that's a good one.

So, so

I feel like, you know, perception is reality that our,

when I was a kid, when I was in my 20s, you had to be like liberal.

Like you, you had to be like if you, everybody was liberal, everybody voted for Obama.

Everybody was like in the comedy world, in the college world, whatever.

Now it's like reverse.

Now it's like the kids, like my, I have a nephew, he's 17, 18.

And he goes, um, I was like, oh, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you going to vote for?

And he was like, I don't know.

I was like, well, just vote.

Like, what do you think?

What do you think you're going to do?

I was like, I guess for you guys, your generation, because I didn't know.

I was like, you guys are going to go liberal, right?

Because he's in college.

He's like, no, dude, that's gay.

Being a Democrat's gay.

And I was like, what?

I was like, what do you mean?

He goes, isn't that gay?

Isn't that the gay one?

And I was like, what?

And he was like, he was like, I thought that Biden and the Democrats were gay and hated America and Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved America.

And I was like,

yeah.

And I was like, wait, so why do you think that?

And he was like, and I was like, I'm not judging you at all, dude.

I was like,

what do you think?

And he was like, that's what I think.

I was like, then vote with that.

I was like, vote, vote.

You know, for you, it's simple.

You fucking gay or straight.

I was like, you're straight.

I was like, so you're voting straight.

And so, but it was interesting.

I was like, wow, that fucking changed in 50.

Not every, but by the way, that's not a blank.

I know that there's many, many people who feel the reverse at that age, but the perception was very interesting to me.

College bros.

To hear from a young kid be like, whoa, here's how I knew it was shifting.

Last year, okay, I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier, 5,000 people, okay, on in the USS aircraft carrier in San Diego.

The government booked me, right?

So I do this show, and they tell me, do not, do not even speak about it was President Biden.

Do not speak about President Biden.

Do not obviously disparage America.

Don't even say anything about like anti-America's enemies.

Just do your comedy.

I was like, great.

So I'm doing my comedy.

The microphone breaks.

Okay.

No mic.

5,000 people outside in San Diego on the water on a fucking aircraft carrier.

With these kids about to go.

These are like the first wave of the arm.

They'll go to war, these kids.

This is like not National Guard.

This is the real deal, motherfuckers.

So I go, so I'm like, oh, shit.

So it was a gas, it was a gas

powered generator that was powering the audio system.

So that didn't have any gas in it.

So my mic went out.

So I'm trying to get through it and I can't.

And there's 5,000 people.

I'm trying to scream, whatever.

And then the person over there who had told me 10 times, do not say anything about, you know, America, whatever.

But I knew from knowing contracts, I knew that this was like that force de majeure thing where it's like, I'm going to get paid no matter what because your equipment broke.

So you now legally have to pay me.

And I knew my agent's going to get that fucking money.

So I said, you know what?

Fuck it.

I said, I got to just get this crowd back on my side.

I said, guys, I was like, and I didn't tell them to do this.

This just happened organically.

And I was like, oh shit.

I go, guys, I was like, fucking microphone broke.

And they were like, boo.

I was like, yeah.

I was like, you know why?

I was like, there's no gas in the generator.

And they were like, boo.

And I was like, you know why?

I was like, because we're sending all the money to Ukraine.

And they were like, and then they, and then they go, ah, and then out of nowhere, 5,000 of the United States Army start going fuck Joe Biden Fuck Joe Biden and I was like looking at I was like is this bad and then I was like wait wait wait I was like no we can't say it can't say I was like counting down I was like my family's Puerto Rican and I started doing fucking Puerto Rican accents trying to get it back no means yes

no means yes but they started screaming fuck Joe Biden and I was like wowzers

wow dude and I was like oh shit it's over yeah and I knew it then and then anytime like I you know I was very polite And again, I'm not, I really am very apolitical.

I really, really am.

But there's such a thing, there's such like this bubble, at least in New York City and, of course, LA, where like even the comics, when I was sitting at the comedy sale and they were telling me in October that there's no way Trump can win and Biden's going to save this.

And I, and I just, you know, you're polite, but you're just like,

dude, if you were on the aircraft carrier with me, you would know it's fucking absolutely, dude, I'm talking about beyond

fucking Yuka gives out a zero out of 100.

If I scan that response, Yuka gives out a full zero.

They would say you'd rather eat fucking Quest protein chips.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

God damn it.

It's just like, you got to know.

I mean,

the comedy clubs, we really are the first wave.

Like, you know, like, you know,

I knew in 2016 when I was going through Ohio and all this place, you see the Trump flags everywhere that he's going to win.

I didn't see them in 2020, you know, because, I mean, we weren't really on the road, but I didn't hear many people talking about it.

So I was like, he might lose.

2024, going back, you know, you do fucking go bananas or whatever.

It's like Trump everywhere.

You know, he's going to win.

2016, I was in Ohio.

We were getting ready to do the

end of the world podcast.

Me, Burr, Stanhope, and Rogan at the store.

And I'm in Ohio that weekend before.

We're doing it like Tuesday, the election.

And I had a joke.

You know, you always,

for anyone listening, I hope you understand this, but the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're going to hate and then win them over with a joke.

And

I said, and I

thought this would, I was like, I'm voting for Trump.

And the place went fucking bananas.

Yeah, you thought it was going to go the other way.

I was like, I guess I don't need to say the other part of the joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I don't think they're going to like that.

Yeah.

Dude, I did a gig for the MLB, right?

Like the Major League Baseball.

It was like a closed event.

Like only the baseball players, like active baseball players, some Hall of Famers were in there.

Trump had just won.

Trump got elected on Tuesday.

This gig was like Thursday, right?

500 people in a room.

And I said, I said, here's the thing.

I said, folks, again, they told me, don't say anything political, be squeaky clean, but it's like, okay, I'm good.

I need to be funny here.

So, whatever.

So, I said to them, not knowing where it's going to go, but I had ways to go after it.

I said, listen, we're in a room right now.

We got a lot of millionaires and a lot of Dominicans.

I know one thing and one thing only.

This room voted for Donald Trump.

And they went fucking nuts.

I'm going to just say it.

You could edit up.

Big Papi Ortiz.

David Ortiz got up and started clapping.

I was like, there he is, Big Bob A.

He was like, Trump's my boy.

We got Dominicans and millionaires.

I said, we got Dominicans and millionaires.

This place voted for Donnie T.

and they went fucking ape shit.

And so it's one of those things where it's like, it's not even about who, I don't care.

It's like, you just got to be in reality a little bit.

Yeah.

Where it's like, dude, you can't tell, you can't be white telling Puerto Rican people how to feel.

I know that.

I'm with a Puerto Rican woman.

You just don't.

You've been trying it for fucking five years.

For 10 years.

For 10 years, dude, it doesn't work.

So it's like, that was the first mistake when I was like, shut up.

Let.

Puerto Rican people say something.

But when you hear fucking Wolf Blitzer, be like, this is outrageous.

You know, my family was like, shut the fuck up, Whitey.

Oh, well, you have to go to Kimmel.

I have to go to couples therapy.

It's amazing.

Same thing.

Buddy, I love you.

Dude, I love you, too.

I'd kiss you on the fucking lips.

I would.

I would kiss you on the lips.

It's a great episode.

Thank you coming.

September 11th.

Make sure to check his Hulu special.

It's Just Unfortunate, releasing February 21st.

Yes.

Madison Square Garden on September 11th.

That's what it is, baby.

God, fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah, dude.

I love it.

I got I proposed to my girl.

It's January 6th.

I'm doing comedy September 11th.

Fucking hell yeah, dude.

America.

America, dude.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.

Bundle and save with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia.

Made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are adult protected.