LA Is Burning | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

We're here in Studio Burt.

Hey, buddy.

Hey.

By the way,

for everyone that doesn't know, the fires were crazy, and I was wondering if this place was going to be here today.

Yeah, no, the fires are, this is unlike anything that's ever happened.

It's always the thing.

It's the biggest wildfire ever in Los Angeles, ever.

Yeah, ever in Los Angeles.

They've already passed an estimated $51 billion, which is going to grow by exponential amounts.

The neighborhood that I left

when I last lived in Los Angeles is completely gone.

The house that I left.

The house is gone.

The house is gone.

The sword

that Ellis went to is gone.

It was a very walkable neighborhood.

And all my neighbors, like I checked in with old friends, all their houses are gone.

And also all the places that we would frequent, you know, like we would go to the CVS.

CVS is gone.

Gelson's is gone.

Ralph's is gone.

The gas station's gone.

The Starbucks is gone.

Like it's all gone.

It's like, it's hard to comprehend, like, and to imagine that it's all gone.

As of now, unless it's changed, I couldn't believe that the Palisades village was all intact.

And I was like, how is that possible?

And I guess it's because

maybe that the buildings, the structures are all stone, you know, like concrete.

That's the one thing, my one takeaway is, why don't we make houses out of chimneys?

Because everyone's chimney is still standing.

I know.

I mean, it's all cost-relevant.

The thing that I already was thinking of, too, because, well, two things are definitely going to happen.

One, I was like,

all the scumbag pieces of shit that will scam people in some way out of this.

You're like, I can't wait till the dateline special that'll come out about how

they're gonna just prey on people, which is so horrible, but also how industries always come out of disaster.

So I was thinking because you go, Malibu and the Palisades are two of the most sought after neighborhoods in Los Angeles.

They're fantastic.

I'm so glad you're saying this because

sometimes, Tom, I think, I want you to finish what you're saying, but I think I have horrible thoughts.

I don't have horrible thoughts like I'm so glad they killed that CEO, horrible thought.

But I do have crazy thoughts.

But keep talking about this because I've been struggling with how I feel about things.

Well, I just know

what ends up happening is an industry will come out of a disaster of this magnitude.

So

some version of this will happen.

We'll be like, okay, first of all, you're going to have a lot of people leave.

A lot of people are going to leave these places.

They're going to be like, I don't want to live here anymore.

10,000 houses in the Palisades are gone.

So what's going to happen is they're going to move to Austin.

All those people are going to end up moving to Austin because

they're going to go to Austin or they're going to go to Nashville or Denver or whatever.

That's going to do so good for Kiltoni.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Then you're going to have this thing where it's like, okay, I want to rebuild.

I want to live again in the Palisades or I want to live again in Malibu, beachfront Malibu stuff.

And, you know, people are going to go, really?

Like, yeah, I want to do it.

So then what will happen is, first of all, I think

the value of this actual property has to go down.

It'll be like,

you know, so you'll go, oh, I can get in for less.

And then what's going to happen is they're going to go,

okay, how much, what are you going to spend on this house, right?

And let's just say you're like, I'm willing to spend, you know, $5 million on a house to be there.

They're going to be like, cool.

So you're going to do about $3 million of what you thought you were going to spend on your home.

And then $2 million are going to be in fire-retardant products and builds.

And so that industry will explode.

You know, you're going to have, I think it'll be, first of all, I think they're going to pass laws where it'll be illegal to have bushes and trees, anything like that in these areas.

It'll just be like, yeah, we don't do that anymore.

There is no such thing as landscapes.

It'll be like rocks.

It's just going to be like rocks and things that look nice, but that that aren't actually brush.

And then I think homes there are going to be like concrete homes and stone homes.

It's like, it's the logical thing.

And they're going to, this industry of like the, there's that spray that some places have have done before that I assume is very expensive.

They'll be like, yeah, we're going to build your house and we're going to do this spray.

And spray is fucking $300,000 or some crazy amount of money.

And then people will have to make the decision of whether they want to do it or not because there's no way they're just going to be like, yeah, throw up your wood house again.

It's just, it's not, they're just not going to do it.

And of course, the insurance industry is going to be bent over sideways.

In Tampa, after the hurricane, my dad's got a buddy

whose son has a really nice house in a really nice area right on the water, and it's gone.

It's totaled.

And he wants to rebuild, but he can't.

They're not letting him rebuild in that lot that he owns owns because it's got to be that you can't just do ground level anymore.

You got to go up a story.

So you got to put a house on stilts.

It's crazy.

Here's the thing that I've been wrestling with, and I don't know the right way to say this, and I want everyone to understand that these fires are happening last night.

So like I'm still processing it, and everything I ever say is meant to be funny or at least

start comedy or at least dive deeper into the thing, right?

There is a thing that happens.

There's a rubbernecking.

Like when you see an accident on the freeway and you see everyone slowing down, you're like, what the fuck?

Why are they slowing down?

It's an accident.

Someone's having the worst day of their life.

Why the fuck do they need to slow down and look at it?

But then when you get up to it, you're like, well, what did happen?

And you look at it.

And despite everyone believing they're better than the person in front of them,

you're just as bad.

Tom, I'm so glad you said that because

this is horrible.

But I thought there is going to be beachfront

property available in Malibu.

Like, people will jump on this.

For sure.

It's the most coveted real estate and everywhere.

And so what I did, and this is horrible.

I'm admitting this, but like I looked on Zillow.

Everything south of Dukes was gone.

I went on Zillow and I started looking at what was already for sale.

And there's a house for like 6.5 million, 3,000 square feet.

Beautiful, gorgeous.

It's gone.

It's gone.

That person who owns that house still has to pay that $6 million mortgage on that house.

Yeah, they do.

And they're trying to unload it.

And now they're not getting $6 million.

They're upside down on it.

Yeah.

So now someone will skip in.

You know, there'll be insurance stuff.

There's going to be people who, like, in that area, of course, people can afford.

Because you get...

In most places where it's not like fire zone stuff, you have your fire insurance, which is kind of part of your protection of all your property.

But in heavy fire zone places, what happens for people that don't know is they go, here's all your home protection insurance.

We're not covering fire.

That's a separate policy.

And if you're talking about a home that's worth six or 10 or 20, dude, those insurance policies are insane.

Now, though, people can afford to do it, but it's a crazy, crazy expense.

So some of those people for sure had that great coverage and they'll have the money.

to pay off that mortgage.

But then they have to go like, well, what am I going to do?

You know, like now I have to do something.

I don't have a house anymore.

It's weird because I was trying to explain this to Leanne last night.

We're watching it.

I'm having a glass of wine.

By the way, packed go bags.

Packed go bags.

Yeah, smart.

All right, I'm going to tell you something.

And this is going to blow your mind, okay?

So

did you send an offer yet on that property that burned down?

No.

No, there is a part of me that there is a part of me that goes, man, it would, there is part of me, sadly, that says,

wow, I do have a little money.

I wonder if I want to move to the palace.

It's after this.

You know, like, there's like, there is a part of your brain that doesn't do that.

Yeah, I was like, dude, it's

and then I was like, I'm going to have to drive all the way to Culver City to get groceries because everything's fucking gone.

Everything's fucking

changed.

Here's what's crazy.

It really is.

And you'll have a, you know, a front row seat.

It's going to change the landscape of Los Angeles for a while.

100%.

Like, that is.

We're not even talking like Pasadena, Altadena.

Altadena is, for lack of better words, there is a celebration of rich people

getting what they deserve, you know, in America.

It's insane.

It's insane.

It's insane.

It's insane to me that we all want and strive to have wealth and safety and security.

And then we look at people that do have that.

And when they lose it, you're like, good, that's what they get.

It's disgusting to me.

It's gross.

But having said that, people in Altadena are very modest lifestyles.

Those are our grips.

The guys that built Hollywood, the guys that make the movie, that actually make the movie and dress you, my stylist, Jennifer Mae Nichols, lost everything, lost her entire

house, everything.

I have multiple friends who live in Altadeno or Pasadena who lost their homes.

My agent lost his home.

His family lost their home.

And

those are not Billy Crystal.

You know, everyone's like, I wonder if he brought his Emmys with him and his golden globes.

And you're like, no.

He He lost his house to what?

Billy Crystal lost everything.

Really?

Lost everything.

And

a lot of, I mean, and those are Palisades.

Palisades is big money.

That is where you make good money, you move to the Palisades, and it's absolutely gorgeous.

Yeah, it's Altadena.

By the way, that's where regular people, like, that's where Leanne and I looked at Altadena when we were looking to buy a house.

Steve Byrne lived in Altadena with his family.

Steve Renazzizzi lived in Altadena with his family.

Like, that's where, like, if you can, if you can afford a house for like $700,000, a million dollars, that's where you'd move.

And I know those are wild numbers, but this is LA.

Things are different.

Everything's expensive.

But those all burned down.

17,000 acres.

And so,

but the, I forget the point of what I was saying.

Every year we set all sorts of big goals, but only 8% of people will stick with their resolutions all year long.

But with Acorns, you can lock in years and years of healthy money habits in just five minutes.

That's all the time it takes to open your account and start automatically saving and investing your money.

Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing so your money has a chance to grow for you, your kids, and your retirement.

You don't need to be an expert.

Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals.

You don't need to be rich, Acorns, unless you invest with the spare money you've got right now.

You can start with $5

or just your spare change.

There's nothing better to do than to prepare for your own future by taking your financial planning seriously.

I've done it, and I highly recommend you do it.

Head to acorns.com/slash bears or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today.

Paid non-client endorsement, compensation provides and set up to positively promote Acorns.

Tier 3 compensation provided.

Investing involves risk.

Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor.

View important disclosures at acorns.com/slash bears.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

What do you want your 2025 story to be?

Every January brings you 365 blank pages waiting to be filled.

In In 2025, maybe you're ready for a plot twist, or maybe there's a part of your story you've been wanting to revise.

Life isn't about resolutions that fade by February.

It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life.

Wow, that is powerful.

That is really powerful.

Think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful stories.

you deserve to live.

Listen, Leanne and I just started couples therapy.

And I got to say this right now, I'm only doing it because it's online.

And that's what's amazing about BetterHelp.

It's fully online.

I would say this, I'm not even joking.

I would assume roll the dice on my marriage and not go to therapy if I couldn't do it online.

That's how much I believe in online therapy.

Sitting in a car with my wife in traffic in LA, driving over the hill and going to a therapist's office, waiting in the waiting room.

The only reason I'm doing couples therapy is because it's online and I'm willing and excited because and BetterHelp is fully online.

It makes therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide.

You can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties.

Easily switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

And that is so important because trust me, if I don't like this therapist we're about to meet today, I'm getting a brand new one.

Write your story with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash bears to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com bears.

Nobs is not your ordinary toothpaste.

It is a standout product crafted with natural ingredients and safe nanohydroxyapatite in place of fluoride.

They prioritize health and sustainability with plastic-free glass packaging.

Nobs is awesome and it's perfect for adults, kids, and pregnant women as it does not contain fluoride, SLS, glycerin, gluten, or parabens, or all those other ingredients you see on the back of the thing, on the thing, a toothpaste.

Instead, they use safe alternatives like nanohydroxyapatite,

xylitol, and baking soda.

When did health become separated from hygiene?

In an effort to make a healthier toothpaste, everyone else compromises on that fresh taste they've come to love.

Thanks to their unique blend of natural ingredients, Nobs will make your breath as fresh as you look.

I have had what you would consider toothpaste phobia my entire life.

There's something about the taste of those toothpastes that you see on the

counters that as a kid, I always felt they were trying to trick me.

I could taste that there was something in there to make me think I was, and I've always had it.

At times, I've brushed my teeth with

soap.

These are little tablets you pop in your mouth, you chew up, and then you spread around and you brush your teeth.

I'll do two at a time, and they are so enjoyable.

If you are like me and you sometimes just do your toothbrush by yourself, you don't want the toothpaste on, dude.

I'm telling you, I love this product.

It is the best product to come across my table as long as I've been podcasting.

I am obsessed.

Unlock 10% off your entire order this January.

Visit betterbiome.com and use promo code TWBears at checkout.

But anyway, so anyway, we had to pack go bags because what happened last night is we're all at the office and

Runyon Canyon caught on fire.

Yeah.

Now, here's what I was trying to explain to you earlier.

There's a thing about rubbernecking

where you kind of and I'm remember I'm trying to talk candidly and openly about it and I may say some wrong things.

You do.

But where you watch the news and you see Altadena and you see

the Palisades, and you know it's so far away from you that you're almost watching out of like curiosity, out of like, like, whoa,

that's wild.

And then you don't, it doesn't register with you.

It doesn't hit you.

Yeah.

And then Runyon Canyon caught on fire and I was like, whoa, that's close.

And then it becomes real.

And then, and then all of a sudden, this thing you've been watching the whole time becomes very intimate to you.

Yeah.

It's like,

and I was like, whoa.

And then this side of the hill caught on fire.

Down by Witsit and Ventura, that caught on fire.

And by the way, I think they're starting the fucking fires because there's no way Embers from Runyon could have gotten to there.

That was a fire that had to be started.

You still think that started?

And that's one?

I think it's probably Antifa or BLM, yeah.

That's fucking crazy.

Because I remember you were telling me that.

You were like, don't say this on Mike.

But yeah.

No, that's fucking nuts, man.

No, it's this Anthony Jeselnick fans.

It is crazy that people would start.

And people who are starting, they also feel like once this many fires are going, they're like, fuck it, start another one.

If you're in that mindset, yeah, start another one.

There's a lot of kids that are like, fuck it, kill all CEOs.

There are idiots that work in this office that thought that was a great idea.

Really?

Yeah, Tom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you you know what they said to me, the CEO of this company?

Yeah, kill all CEOs.

And I went, huh?

And they're like, fuck them.

And I was like, that's the generation.

You get a 28-year-old kid and they just, they go,

they're like, I think they just don't think making money is possible.

You know, like, America is kind of fucking.

Well, that is a big thing.

That is a big thing, a difference between now and like the 1950s, let's say.

In the 1950s, the big thing that kind of of everybody bought into was hope.

You had hope that you could get a house, a nice house in a nice neighborhood, that you could get a good job, that you could work it, that you'd have a nice pension, and that you'd have a nice life.

And one thing that's eroded over the last 70 years is the idea that everybody has hope.

People just don't, they don't see that anymore.

They just go, no, you just work to fucking catch up on some bills that you never catch up on.

And so, yeah, fuck people who have found a way to have that because I don't have it.

And there's a lot of people that think that way.

And I understand why you would think that way.

I remember, I mean, I'll be very candid.

I remember going to parties when I was married with Georgia and Isla and going to parties of people my age and they had like a $2 million house and being like hopeless and being like, how the fuck did they do this?

Yeah.

Of of course

and i'm i'm asking like questions like so where what does your dad do like how did you get i don't like i remember too i remember when we lived in we renting a place in silver lake and seeing like an open house and we're in silver lake silver lake for people that don't know is the east side of los angeles it's kind of a trendy hipster neighborhood um it used to be like a dicier neighborhood that kind of became gentrified but it's kind of like a cool you know williamsburg type of neighborhood in los angeles and we're living there you see like open house and you pull over and you just take like the flyer and you know we're renting a place i'm working the road 45 weeks a year and you see the flyer and it's like 1.2 million dollars and you're like

what like how the fuck would i ever buy a house like that was just the thought i guess we'll just we'll i guess

maybe in a dreamland like how is this possible this isn't i'll be a renter for the rest of my life yeah of course by the way I got to say, the funniest phone call I got last night.

Was it for moon?

Maybe like 10 o'clock at night.

Maybe 10 o'clock.

No, maybe, no, it was probably like seven.

Was it Michael Winslow and he did a bunch of sounds and stuff?

You're in the right area.

Oh, yeah.

Dice.

Oh,

Dice is so great.

Dice, he's like, hey, where are these fires?

You know, I'm about to do a dice impression.

Yeah.

Hey, how dice, sal, yeah.

Hey, dice, you know, hey, yeah,

it's uncanny.

I feel like he's right in front of us.

Go ahead.

But dice is, you know, dice is a dad, and he's, yeah, his kids are here.

And he knows I'm a dad, and he knows that, you know, we know each other.

And he's like,

he's like, asking where the fire is,

telling me where his sons are.

And he's like, if, if, you know, like in a real moment of passion, he goes, and I'm, but, Dice, I'm sorry if I'm oversharing.

It made me laugh so hard.

He goes, if my boys need some help,

can you take care of them?

And I said, of course, Dice.

I go, yeah, you need me to go get them and pick them up or something.

And he goes, Bert, they're 34 and 32.

I go, he goes, these fucking idiots.

They won't fucking leave the house.

It just made me laugh so hard because I only remember them when they were kids.

So I just figured they're still kids and they're in a house scared scared by themselves.

They're grown men.

They're

children at that age.

You never stop being a dad.

And Dice Man was all night texting me and calling me, checking on the fires.

He was freaking out, man.

I was freaking out too.

Isla was losing her mind.

Is she at college right now?

She's at college.

So we, I gotta, this is the thing that fascinated me.

I'm curious to know because I didn't see this out of me.

So we, so

Runyon catches on fire.

We send everyone home.

We're like, everyone go home.

Everyone get safe.

By the way, Sarah's got to drive over the hill.

She's got to drive over the hill on Laurel Canyon, Tom, by the fucking fire, and gets rear-ended on her way there because

everyone's driving like it's Armageddon.

Yeah.

Fucking Hollywood Boulevard, bumper to bumper.

People leave their cars.

I mean, fucking chaos.

It's chaos in Hollywood.

I can't.

I canceled my set at the store.

That's a big deal.

Is that on the store?

They closed the store.

Is that on the news?

Oh, they closed the store.

Okay.

So we go home, and Leanne says, Hey, are we going to pack go bags?

Because, you know, you never know.

Yeah.

All these things that I thought were very valuable in my house, like the trees.

I love the trees by my house.

That's why I bought that house.

Is the trees that makes you feel like you're not in LA?

Now those are fucking Tinder boxes waiting to go up.

I'm like, look at these trees going.

What's in the go bag?

Did you put passports?

Okay.

Passports, cash,

guns,

and that's, and that's, that's all that's in the go bag right there.

Watch this.

Hold on.

So then Leanne says,

what's valuable to you?

And I said, I don't know.

She goes, go room to room and see what's valuable to you.

And so I'm like, I'm a really sentimental guy, and you know how sensitive I am.

I'm like, this is going to, I go, babe, I shouldn't even look in the rooms because I'm going to take everything.

She was like, no, go room to room.

I'm going to go room to room.

She goes up to the girls' rooms.

She texts the girls.

Isla writes back, grab all my lamps we're like what lamps she's like I love my lamps and and make sure to get all my clothes my shoes my and we're like what the fuck Isla wanted everything yeah Isla wanted everything out of her room and then I was like what about your cat she was like dad of course bring my cat and so I go room to Leanne gets like their like like gets all our pictures gets our our um our hard drives of all the childhood you know videos we have she gets Leanne got so all her jewelry everything I went went room to room.

Tom, I didn't want anything in that house.

I didn't want anything in that house.

I went room to room because they don't mean anything to you.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And I went and I said, well, I should get my watches just because it's money.

You know?

Yeah.

It is money.

But I was like, did you get the box, by the way?

What box?

The watch box?

The watch case?

No.

Wait, maybe.

Did you send me one?

Yeah.

Was that you that sent it?

Yeah.

Let me check with Leanne.

I think it was, yeah.

I think, I think she thought it was someone else.

Hold on.

That was you that sent that?

Yeah.

Remember, we had a conversation?

I was like, it's better when you can see them.

My wife.

You know, we started couples therapy yesterday.

I did not.

No.

You know, we're on a podcast right now, right?

Yeah, I don't care.

Okay, okay.

I don't care.

Playoffs.

We're talking about playoffs?

You bet we are.

Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.

Scoring touchdowns is the key to winning in the playoffs, and you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet on touchdowns.

Ready to place your first bet?

Try betting on something simple, like a player to score six or go to the DraftKings Sportsbook app and make your pick.

I'm telling you right now, this is the only way to spend your Sundays.

It enhances your Sundays.

It is like testosterone for Sundays.

New DraftKing customers can bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app.

Use code Bears.

That's code Bears for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly when you bet just $5

only on DraftKings Sportsbook.

The crown is

yours.

Gambling problem?

Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

In New York, call 877-8 HOPEN-Y or text HOPENY-467-369.

In Connecticut, help is available for a problem gambling.

Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

Please play responsibly.

On behalf of Booth Hill Casino in Resorting, Kansas.

21 and over.

Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction.

Void in Ontario.

Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance.

For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co/slash audio.

You say you'll learn a new language every year, year, but few of us actually commit to it.

Babel makes it easy for you to learn one in less time than you think.

This year, speak like a whole new you with Babel, the language learning app that gets you talking.

Learning a new language is the pathway to discovering new culture.

So why not embark on learning something new?

Babel's quick 10-minute lessons, handcrafted by over 200 language experts, gets you to begin speaking your new language in three weeks or whatever pace you choose.

Babel's tips and tools are inspired by the real-life stuff you'll actually need when communicating.

With a focus on conversation, you'll be ready to talk wherever you go.

I love the language learning.

I love this app.

I love the fact that it makes you spell the words and you get to have the real conversations.

It's the best way to learn.

Let's get more of you talking in a new language.

Babel is gifting our listeners 60% off subscriptions at babble.com/slash bears.

Get up to 60% off at babble.com/slash bears.

That's spelled b-a-b-b-e-l.com/slash bears.

Babel.com/slash bears.

Rules and restrictions may apply.

So, wait,

we started couples theory in a good place.

We're like,

we weren't fighting.

We were like, yo, we should be in couples therapy just to make sure we get in front of anything because we're by ourselves, no kids.

Oh, it's a good one.

And I totally won.

I won the first one.

That's

not how that's going to be.

I killed it.

I fucking destroyed.

I won so hard.

I won so hard.

Tom,

did you get the therapist to play?

I shook her.

I shook her.

She was off on it.

She was like, you know, when you cross over someone and they're like uh break their ankle that was lean at therapy wow congratulations that's awesome anyway

you thought that who'd you who'd you think it came from

leanne thought we bought it

leanne said oh you know what this is we bought this there's a card in there

I got a,

I'm bringing this up in couples therapy.

Okay.

Well, hey, by the way, I love that.

I love that box.

Thank you.

I'm glad.

I'm glad.

I love it.

I really do love it.

I can see the watches and I, and it's, I really love it.

And I, and by the way, because of that, I now will switch out watches on different days, and I never would have ever done that.

I would just put a watch on and just leave all the rest in the closet.

There you go.

But so I was like, I'm going to grab watches for my go bag.

And then I was like, guns.

I'll get my guns.

I got, I grabbed my guns.

And then

I was high one time at Home Depot.

And I was like, I was like, I was like, you know what?

I'm going to buy.

I'm going to buy these crazy panel panel lamps that are like 20,000 luminums or whatever.

And I'm going to get a chainsaw just in case shit goes sideways.

And I grabbed those, my shotgun, my chainsaw, and

my panel lamps.

And I was like, grab my medication, and that's it.

That's it.

That's a good go back.

There's nothing in this house that I want to take with me.

And then it was.

Is the bag like by the door?

Like, do you like leave it by the door or what?

Yeah, no, I just left it by the fireplace.

Well, ironically, but I left it by the fireplace.

And I was like, all right, if if we need to go we got it we can take it we can bounce I can't believe

I got to get the fuck out of here.

I don't know what I'm doing here, dude.

I I was I was jealous

I was jealous that I didn't you know a long

a while ago.

This is why we're looking at houses in Nashville right now is

my business manager said to me

You know, you might want to diversify you know your properties and I was like what do you mean?

He's like I don't know your houses are like a couple blocks from each each other.

Like,

if something happens to, you know, one of the houses might happen to the second house, like an earthquake.

And I was like, I don't understand.

And then I very quickly understood what he was saying.

I was like, oh, my God, if something happens to this house, it's happening to this house.

The only thing I really, really, really, really, really wanted was my tour bus.

Like, that was the one thing.

I was like, I would.

I could get in that tour bus and leave tomorrow and not have to pack a go bag.

Just grab my shotgun and my

chainsaw.

Put a watch on on the other wrist and bounce there you go give ron a watch to make sure he drives a tour bus

calm

yeah because he's like a king because you know ron's bringing his sisters i haven't heard anything about violence yet because sometimes disasters you know trigger people in a way um but like having Having protection is a good idea.

Like you have guns.

Oh.

Yeah.

Dude, I got an AK-47, a shotgun.

Okay.

Yeah.

And two pistols and a bow and arrow.

And I have a bunch of knives and a machete and a chainsaw.

Okay.

I will, I will, if someone tried to loot my house, I will take them captive.

I will take them captive and bring them to the basement and they'll be my treat.

Every time I feel bad or like I read something negative on the internet, I'll go down and fucking torture them.

I think crazy things a lot.

Yeah.

Especially in like moments of disaster where I go,

you know,

hearing like,

you know, my agent lost his house and

the idea that like

that like

that is his kids have none of their shit.

Yeah, it's really sad, man.

They have none of their shit.

Like it's just, I mean, it's one thing to move and to like kind of clean up your house and stuff, but to

Pasadena.

And it's just like, it's heartbreaking.

And then think, I mean, you just start looking at your stuff.

You're like, so I lose all my cars, right?

All my cars are gone.

I still got to pay the note on them.

My house is gone.

My other house is a block away.

That's gone.

My tour bus is gone.

My podcast studio is gone.

Like,

wow, this is really.

Are you seriously?

Would you move to Nashville?

Is that what you would do?

If everything burned here?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I'd probably,

I know what I'd immediately do is I'd move into your fucking guest house in the back.

Cool.

I would absolutely move into your guesthouse.

Okay.

And I'd sell it to Netflix, a new comedy series called Uncle Bert.

And I'd raise your boys.

The boys still are like, remember when Fat Sticks was here?

And I'm like, yeah.

I bet I wouldn't even recognize them right now.

No, you wouldn't.

They've grown so much since you saw them last.

Really?

Yeah.

Are you going to let them play football?

Course.

I'm fucking straight, dude.

I'm not going to.

Yeah.

I have zero hesitation about that.

I'm wanting it.

I'm only encouraging it.

I'm also being like, hey, what, you know,

you like Roblox?

You want more Robux?

Fucking play football.

Some real benefits.

There's a lot of bonuses.

I wish both my girls had played more sports, and then one time Georgia goes, I only played softball to connect with you.

And I went, oh, God.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I never liked it, Dad.

When my kids get to like middle school, high school age, if they're like, yeah, I'm thinking about playing, you know,

football or whatever, I'll be like, how's 10 grand sound right now?

For real.

And if they're like, what?

I'll be like, I'll give you $10,000 if you sign up.

And if you don't,

I'll take something away from you.

Be like Sean Payton and create bounties on people.

Dude, you know, my dad told me that when I was

going to college

when I was like, yeah, I'm done with football.

He was like, if you get a scholarship somewhere, I will give you that amount of money.

And I was like, really?

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah, that's how much he wanted to meet.

But I understand it now.

I'd be like, I would definitely do the same thing.

Yeah, it gives you something to look forward to.

I used to love going to softball games.

Of course.

It was awesome.

And then, and then when it stopped, I was like, I remember, man, that was the biggest fight George and I ever got into.

Like, knocked she quit softball during the pandemic they weren't even playing tom they weren't even playing

they weren't even practicing she was on the team i said you're going to be a four-year lettered athlete you're you're not going to play another game of softball she goes i'm quitting and i was like you're not quitting i'm telling you right now we don't quit in this family you're not quitting she was like i'm quitting She was fucking 15, 15 years old.

And I go, you're not quitting.

And she fucking quit and sent the coach a letter.

It was like, I quit.

And then the coach reached out.

And I was like, I fucking lost my shit.

That's the one thing you don't get is like girls at like 15, every child,

every father that has a 15-year-old daughter is dealing with a right now.

They suck so bad.

They suck so bad.

You know,

I gotta say, you're totally accurate.

I mean, we both had two sisters, too.

And I remember that era, like when each of them got basically like late, middle school, like 13, 14, like they both turned into such monsters.

And it doesn't taper off for a few years.

They really were monsters.

Oh, they were, it was brutal.

I mean, it was, Georgia and I, thank God, when she went to college, I think she

being away from me, she realized how much I loved her.

I don't know, whatever reason, the first time I went up for like a parents' weekend, we were back.

It was like old school Georgia, and I was like, thank God.

But it was

through high school.

Yeah.

Oh, it was so tough, dude.

I remember I was just talking to another dad about this the other day.

I forget who, but I was like, yeah, it's, and it brought back like psycho ex-boyfriend energy out of me.

Yeah.

Where I was like.

I was like, you know, when you're getting cheated on and you can feel it and you're like, something's happening.

And then you, and then you start acting even crazier and then they want nothing to do with you.

Yeah.

That was how my relationship with Georgia.

I remember one time saying to Leanne, I go, I got to pretend like I'm just not that into her.

And Leanne's like, what the fuck?

I can also already picture how as Georgia now ages, like when she's like 28, you're going to be like, remember what a c you were when you were

going to bring it up all the time.

She's going to be like, huh?

And you'll be like, you fucking sucks.

You know what the coolest?

I think I've told you this.

You know the coolest thing?

It's so funny.

We're driving her to school, me and Leanne,

and she goes,

she like looks at me and she goes,

yo,

you know Duncan Trussell?

And I was like, yeah.

She was like, how long have you known him?

I was like, I've known him probably since you were a little girl, since we moved in.

That's when I met Duncan.

She was like,

hold on.

I can't believe you know my favorite podcaster.

And I was like, You like Duncan?

She's like, Dad, I'm obsessed with him.

And I got such cool credit points because I was friends with Duncan.

Yeah.

And I was like, I was like, she was like, hold on, what's he like?

And I was like, he's, and then we listened to his podcast together.

I go, what made you think this?

She goes, he was doing an episode with Natasha Legier.

Do you know Natasha?

And I was like, yeah, Georgia.

Of course I know Natasha.

She goes, and your name came up.

And Dad, I have never been more freaked out in my life.

I had to hit pause

and go, what,

what happened?

Like, I can't, she goes, I couldn't.

I was afraid they were going to trash you.

And then I couldn't like my favorite podcaster anymore.

Wow.

I was like, and it was, I know, it was crazy, but it was, they were talking about Natasha taking her shirt off on stage.

Oh, yeah.

You were there, did that really happen?

Yeah.

She was like, did that really happen?

And I went, yeah.

She was like, wait, wait, hold on.

And then we listened to Duncan's podcast together.

And George is like, dad, he is so fucking smart.

I was like, yeah, he's wild.

he's very very yeah yeah he um

now my kids are always like do you know mr.

Beast and I'm like I mean

no

I know I know people that know him and they're like oh that'd be cool do you know Elon Musk I'm like

no

and they're like that'd be fucking cool Do you know Donald Trump?

I'm like, well, for fuck's sake, like, could you get somebody a little fucking lower on the list?

Donald Trump?

I had a gig come to me and goes, one of our family friends, he's like, like, came up and he's like, you do comedy, right?

I was like, yeah.

And he's like, do you know Tony Hinchcliffe?

And I was like, yeah.

And he's like, you need to get on Kill Tony.

I was like, thanks.

Thanks.

I was like, I'm on it.

And he's like, what?

And I said, I've been on it.

And he's like, no.

And I said, no, I have.

And he goes, no, like, as a comic.

And I went, wait, do you want me to do one minute on Kill Tony?

And he was like, yeah.

Dude, it'll really help your career.

And I was like, will it?

I was like, cool.

I was like, I've been on the panel.

I think that's better.

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no.

Those comics, they're the best comics in the world.

Trust me, that would help you out.

And I was like, thank you.

Yeah.

I was like, just so you know, I just comped tickets to the arena for your parents that I was at, but that doesn't matter.

Yeah.

Well, it's a big show, man.

A lot of fucking

stuff happening.

Same kid.

This is the best.

Okay, if you, this is the best thing I've ever done on accident that made me laugh hysterically.

That same kid, I want to give him a shout out because

he's a fun fucking kid.

We met up when Leanne and I and the girls were in Italy.

His family happened to be in Italy.

And we all met up, okay?

And they were going to take a huge tour through the Amalfi Coast.

This kid has got to be like 13 years old, okay?

Maybe 14 years old.

And

he was, we were looking at like the horrible touristy hats.

And one of the hats was

covered in pot leaves.

And he was like, my parents would never let me have that hat.

And I was like, fuck him.

I'll buy it for you.

He was like, for real?

And I was like, yeah, it is the dumbest.

It's like a black and just green pot leaves all over the hat.

Yeah.

So I buy it for him.

Two weeks later, his mom texts me and she goes, you ruined our vacation.

What?

She goes, every picture we have of us on the Amalfi Coast, my son is wearing this horrible pot leaf hat.

You made the vacation.

I could not stop laughing.

And then she sent me pictures and it's them like on a beautiful boat.

Their whole family.

Everyone looks great.

He's got this black pot leaf.

I want to make a shirt, Tom.

I want to make a shirt for two bears that

we sell, that you buy for your family's kid.

That's cool as shit.

It's a coveted shirt, but you buy for someone in someone's family when they go on vacations and they wear that shirt and ruin every picture it should be pot leaf that is the dumbest shit you can buy like just covered in pot leaves covered in pot leaves just pot leaves it should be two bears with reggae fucking rosta hair like dreads

and and just pot leaves everywhere just absurd

it's so fun

every picture they're in tom they're in like there's one where they're all on a boat they must have like rented a boat for the day and they're all in white linen even the kid, and he's got this pot leaf hat on.

I bought,

I bought an El Chapo hat.

Like, it's just

a hat of El Chapo in his face.

And

there's people who would be like, the fuck are you wearing that for?

I'm like, well, it's dumb.

I just got it.

But I think we can do a whole line of El Chapo stuff.

There's no way anybody has like estate rights on that.

Like, they don't care.

We should just do all cartel guys, like, a cartel line.

Escobar, El Chapo,

the Arellano Felix Brothers.

Oh,

just like a line of clothing to ruin pictures.

Yeah.

A line of clothing for like a, we make a Christmas shirt.

Yeah.

And it's just a horrible Christmas shirt that people just go, oh, I'm wearing that to the picture.

And then they,

oh, I love it.

That makes me laugh so hard.

Isla was so bad at taking pictures when she was a kid.

She would make these faces.

Like, she would go.

And

I don't know why, but every one of our childhood pictures, she is making the most horrific faces.

Well, I'm glad there's another kid doing that because my fucking nine-year-old does that too.

So every picture, I'm like, can't you just fucking smile?

And he goes, like,

I'm like, okay.

Like,

this picture is horrible, man.

Have you guys done like a family photo?

It's been a few years.

Yeah, it was really fucking hard to get it.

They're both just insane on something like that.

Especially, you just can't get Ellis to

no.

Like, yeah, I'm sure.

We could do it, but

it's difficult.

Yeah.

We probably shouldn't.

Maybe that's my goal.

Is my goal is to just buy stuff for your kids that you don't want them to have.

Cool.

That is cool.

Like,

that's the fun part.

Like,

I bought my nephew one time a drum set Yeah, and

they're like what what the fuck we don't we don't want him playing drums in the house you're like yeah by the way Do you do you do Christmas presents for your sisters and their families too?

Like, you know, not this year, but yeah.

Yeah, so like we were doing like, you know, what do you want to get that kind of thing.

And, you know, my sister would be like, what should we send your boys?

I'm like, well, you know, he likes

Roblox, he likes cars.

And then she's like, oh, yeah, you should get,

you know, my daughter this.

And then for

my son, who's 12, she's like, maybe like a sofa.

And I'm like, I'm sorry.

Your 12-year-old wants a sofa?

That's what he was like.

He was like, Can Santa bring me a sofa?

And I'm like, oh, is this for your living room?

She's like, nah, I just, it would be really would, he really wants

he really wants this sofa from Restoration Hardware.

I'm like, cool.

That feels weird.

Oh, my God.

I have an uncle.

I have an uncle who's going through some health issues.

And

I reached out to his daughter and I was like, hey,

can I,

you know, how can I help?

Like, how can I help?

Is there anything, you know, like, I can do?

And she was like, yeah.

You know what you could do is you could

remodel their bathroom.

Like, it's so crazy.

Just, yeah, just like a full remodel.

And if you really want their kitchen, you could use it too.

And I was like, you want me to remodel their house?

Yeah, dude.

You asked to help, right?

Don't you want to help?

I know.

My mom, who's I'm so used to that, everyone knows this about her, but she's like traveling with us over the holidays.

And she's like, I love her.

Oh, is she getting her OnlyFans?

We're working on it.

She's coming in

next week.

We're going to be in studio with her, and we're going to really try to encourage it.

Trying to show her how

this could really help her out.

So she doesn't want to fart on it, but I think we could probably work up to it.

But she's going to do, hopefully, morning greetings and, you know, to show you what she's doing during her day.

I think she could get a nice little following going.

But she's like, I love your backpack.

And I go, thanks.

She's like, can I have it?

And I go, of course not.

I just got it.

It's mine.

She's like, I love it.

I go, go, I don't care.

You're not doing this.

And she's like, oh, it's so nice.

And I go, you don't even use a backpack.

I travel every week with this thing.

And she's like, can I have a bag?

You have so many bags.

And I'm like, what the fuck, man?

Like, and she's like, you do.

And I'm like, yeah, I do.

I have a lot of luggage because I travel for a living.

So I go, fine.

I'll give you a bag.

You promise?

And I go, yeah, I promise.

So I'm like, what kind do you want?

And she's like, the one you carry.

I'm like, a duffel bag?

I go you're 80 you're gonna throw a fucking duffel over your shoulder and she's like yes and I'm like okay so I give her one and I'm like here you go here's a duffel it's a nice duffel bag and as I'm driving her I'm like you're not gonna use that and she's like why I go because it's empty right now right once you put shit in it it's gonna weigh like 30 pounds you're gonna lug a fucking bag around And she's like, I think you are right.

And I go, fucking, thank you.

And she's like, I give it back to you.

I'm like, yeah, that's not, you're not giving me something.

It's mine.

And she's like, do you have a different bag that has wheels that I can have?

And I go, fucking fine.

I'll give you it.

She's like, but it's nice.

And I go, yeah.

Of course, I'm always like, you could just buy one of these.

She's like, and then every time I say that, she's like, I don't have what you have.

I don't have your income.

And I'm like, yeah, but you act like you're destitute.

Like you're on welfare.

You could go buy a bag.

No, I can't.

If you don't want to give it to me, I just won't have a bag.

And I'm like, okay.

I don't have no bags.

Yeah.

She did that with the phone.

She goes, do you,

what kind of phone is that?

I'm like, it's an iPhone.

You know what the fuck it is.

And she's like, which one?

I'm like, the latest one.

And she's like, do you have one that maybe you don't use anymore that I could have?

And I go, absolutely not, no.

And she's like, well, I have the iPhone 11.

And I go, great, go buy the fucking 16.

No, I won't do that.

And I go, okay, then stick with your fucking 11.

And she's like, why can't you just give me one of your old phones?

I go, because I'm not doing that.

I throw them in fires.

I just let them explode.

So

she's like, you throw them away.

I go, yeah, computers, I break them in half and I throw them in a fire.

So you can't have any of them.

Why can't you go to the store and buy a fucking phone?

And she's just like, I'm not having this.

She's like,

I won't spend that kind of money.

I'm like, all right, then just stick to your fucking 11.

Like, I'm not doing that.

I'm not buying you a phone.

Go buy.

Is she full-time in Austin now?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's in Austin.

How often do you see her?

I mean, lately, it's been quite a bit.

I mean,

you know, a few times a week at least.

You know, she's.

Does she knock on the door?

Does she walk in?

Oh, fuck, no.

No, no, no.

She, she'll, she'll call.

She's scared to drive.

Like, you know, we can fucking pick her up or something, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's, she's not, she's not just going to.

And how often do you see your sister?

Usually around the same amount of time.

A couple, a few times a week.

Yeah.

You you know a few times a week i mean but also like i'm back to touring again so i'm gonna be gone a lot i assume they'll be at the house a good bit on weekends that i'm gone to you know just to see the boys and and be around so they'll probably be at the house a good bit but yeah i mean it's crazy that your sister lives in austin and like she's got to like start a life in austin yeah i know i'm trying to i'm introducing her to people and you know she'll get her work stuff going but i think she's gonna like if you could get if you you could have if you could hook your daughter your sister up with one comic who would it be

how old is she

um i don't know 35 something in late 30s yeah

i don't know i think it's a it's a pretty horrible thing to do to her

you know like yeah i always tell like when i meet people and they're like oh you should don't you have any friends for this single woman i'm like i i would not do that to you you deserve better like the comedians are not who you want to be dating.

No, just never.

They're such horrible people, most of them.

You know?

That coming from a comedian-comedian marriage.

Yeah, I'm like, but, but, like, most comics, I'm like, yeah, dude, you don't want this.

You really don't.

Yeah.

There's a, there's really a small group that I would, I mean, I would actually have a hard time coming up with that list.

Yeah.

I can't imagine.

I can't think of one comic where I go.

Well, like, Bobby Lee would be someone I'd set someone up with.

Yeah.

Well, that makes sense.

I love Bobby.

I love Bobby.

I don't think I've been.

I thought so on the other day, and he was like,

he is just, he is always,

always

on.

He's so funny.

Like, he's always funny.

He's so funny.

And I texted him about the other night and I go,

are you safe?

And he was like, yeah, I have a bag packed and all this.

I go, well, don't wait.

Like, just leave.

He's like, oh, it was right by his house.

Yeah, he goes, oh, you do care about me.

He goes, okay, I think I'm going to leave now.

I go, good.

Like, I hate when people, the same thing when, when hurt, you know, because we lived through so many hurricanes and people are like, I'm just going to see how this goes.

I go, you see the fucking trajectory.

It's on the news.

Like, just go, leave.

The first call I got was Miss Pat.

I was the first person to call.

Really?

And then, yeah, Miss Pat called, called at like seven o'clock

when Runyon called on fire.

She was like, you could tell she was, I think she was getting ready for bed.

She was like, how you doing, baby?

I was like, good.

I was like, we're fine.

And I told her, you know who's funny?

You know who reached out to Leanne?

Dave Attel.

Attel did?

Atel texted Leanne this morning.

He's like, I'm worried about you guys.

Are you safe?

Wow.

And I was like, he just, I was like, that's how bad my replying to texts are that no one even texts me.

He was not going to reply.

Adam Ray called me first thing in the morning yesterday.

There was a fire like, I mean, not even like, not even a quarter of a mile from my sister's house, but a mile from where Adam and I live.

And Adam Ray called and was like, hey, do we need to evacuate?

I was like, what?

Because I thought we were totally safe.

And he was like, there's a fucking fire by the, by Sepulveda and the 101 or Spulveda and the 405.

And I was like, holy shit.

And I started freaking out.

And I called my sister and I was like, are you evacuating?

And she's like, I just ordered postmates.

I was like, why didn't you just make a cup of coffee?

And she's like, I wanted a coffee with a lid on it.

Wow.

Yeah.

No, I checked on I've checked on a bunch.

I checked on all my Christian friends first and then kind of worked down through other the other denominations.

But yeah, I wanted to make sure that, you know what I mean?

That they ever been.

Do you ever think it's crazy that like that like Muslim people picked one outfit and then stuck with it?

You mean like the hijab or what are you talking about?

Whatever,

the sh I mean the the robe.

Oh, yeah.

the top of the bus for so long but it's good in that climate because it's a middle eastern wear right like that's yeah but isn't it crazy that like they've never that it hasn't evolved hasn't like it's just one thing it's like it's almost like they go this is perfect yeah you can't count upon a person here's the thing it kind of is do you ever worn one what i have and i fucking love them oh my god it's like you understand why

guys wear dresses too because letting your nuts hang and feeling that breeze come up

oh my my god yeah dude i've i would love i would love if that i mean it's kind of a no-brainer if america just was like because everyone wants to go towards socialism anyway but if we just start with clothing it's like the ultimate equalizer everyone looks the same the north koreans are good at that there's only like a few outfits you're allowed to wear and there's only like six haircuts you can have you know

For real?

Yeah.

You ever seen the North Korean barber list?

So if you go get a haircut in Pyongyang or anywhere in North North Korea, there's like six and you pick one.

Like, that's it.

You have one.

No way.

That's it.

Clothes is pretty much the same.

You just wear like one of a few shirts or jackets.

That's it.

You just stick.

That's fucking brilliant.

What could we do in America?

They have a lot of people.

This is our uniform.

Well, I mean, our uniform...

It feels like maybe...

I feel like what's very American is old Western stuff.

So like cowboy shit, wouldn't that be like the American standard?

That'd be a good standard.

Like, cowboy boots, jeans, yeah, t-shirt or college shirt.

Yeah, that's

blue or white.

You know, there's not like a lot of color variation.

It should be like white tea, blue button-down, collared shirt, jeans, boots.

It would be fun if they did it regionally.

So, like, just like we have the conferences in college football.

So, if you're like an SEC guy, you got to wear khakis and a collared white shirt.

They fucking already do do that.

They adhere to that.

Those, all those Southeastern boys, all the dip shits you see going to games on Saturdays and they're that are pledging or whatever, they always look like tools.

They always have on that same fucking goofy ass.

Yeah, it's like a country club outfit.

It's like blazer khakis, right?

And they're there with their little fucking side piece who's into it.

There kind of already is uniforms a little bit for where you live.

If you look at Brooklyn, it's like

those cargo pants that are up to like they're like high waters with like boots and then and then a sailor's cap and a and like they look like longshoremen, but they don't really do actual physical labor.

The hipster outfit, yeah.

Yeah.

The hipster mustaches.

But here's the thing: there's already too much variation for this.

You know, you gotta, if you're gonna do it North Korean style, you gotta pick like three looks.

I think there's like that is way too, you gotta tell the uh that hipster guy to fucking clean it up.

No more of that shit.

Okay, yeah.

Get rid of it.

You know what they would like?

They would like the fucking onesie.

Like a onesie should be an option.

Like the, like a janitor onesie.

You know what I mean?

Like the zip up in the back.

And it, because, because some hipsters will wear that kind of thing.

That could be one of the selections.

You're allowed to wear one of those in a muted color.

I like that.

I like that.

Maybe Muslims, I just found out Islam is the religion.

Muslim is the people.

I just found that the other day.

You just learned that.

The other day

I was watching a documentary on Constantinople.

Yeah.

And they kept saying interchangeably Islamic and Muslim.

And I was like, wait, which is which?

Which is the religion.

Yeah.

Islamic people are people that follow Islam.

Muslim people are also people that follow Islam.

Muslims are practitioners of Islam.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I was like, I was kind of blown away by the fact that they picked one outfit and they stuck with it.

And that when they go out as boys, they're all wearing the same thing.

Like, that's kind of wild.

It's like going to a football game.

Yeah.

Where you're like, oh, okay, we're all wearing the same color.

And we're all going to have this jersey on.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're all going to wear the same jersey.

And then if you're not wearing our jersey we're gonna fucking kill you yeah

and they do do that that's cool islam is like a fucking dodgers game yeah yeah they're like if you're a giants fan we're gonna beat you to death yeah yeah it's pretty cool and so i was but i was like i was like i wonder if that takes i wonder what that does wonder what when you take clothing out of the out of the the the spectrum of personality i wonder what that does it definitely does something because clothing is totally an into individual kind of expression right?

Like that's the thing is clothing gives you the option to present yourself in the way you want to present yourself to the world.

It has an impact.

Like somebody in a suit and tie, you perceive differently a thousand percent than you do in fucking track suit, right?

Like you just do.

So it's nice to take away that freedom and individuality from people.

And that's kind of what the North Koreans have done.

And I think what you're saying is be cool if we do it here in America.

Yeah.

I like it.

Yeah.

I like it a lot.

I like it a lot.

You could do jeans and t-shirts, it could be one option,

okay?

Jeans and t-shirts, onesie, like zip-up, you know,

and yeah, cowboy outfit,

yeah.

And what should you be allowed to wear a suit?

Because suits are kind of suits, got to be a thing, suits gotta be a thing.

You got four options, but but here, once you put on suits, you've you've you've established dominance in society, true.

Like, that's the cool thing about uh, about

Islam is like you can't wear jewelry.

Like you can't look feminine.

You can't wear gold.

Gold.

But you can't wear feminine jewelry and gold's feminine.

Men.

That was the one you taught me that.

That blew me away.

Men can't wear gold.

Muslim men can't wear gold.

Muslim women can wear gold.

And the reason that Muslim men can't wear gold is that

it's an old thing.

I think it's in the Quran.

It's about...

It's something to do with like fertility.

So it's not really like,

you know,

it's just like kind of like, I don't want to say like a

here, this is probably a better explanation than mine.

Men can't work, it's considered an excessive adornment that could lead to vanity, imitating women displaying arrogance, going against the Islamic principle of modesty and simplicity, based on interpretations of the prophets' traditions rather than explicit Quranic verses.

Okay, and if you hit the key points,

the idea should be

focused on inner strength and character.

Yeah, okay.

So I was taught something or explained something different, but yeah, okay.

So it's about not

appearing more modest.

But I don't know why you'd want the women to appear not modest then, but yeah.

But they can wear anything but gold.

Now here's the question:

they've only got one race of people over there.

We've got like four.

Yeah.

Latino, right?

Black, Asian, white, right.

And Muslim.

Well, that's, yeah.

Okay.

So Muslim people, if you're in this country, you've got to go old school Muslim.

You can only wear

the.

What is it called?

That thing?

What is it called?

What is the traditional...

What Muslim men clothing?

That's one thing I got an offer to go play in Abu Dhabi.

A winter collection?

Wait, let me see the winter collection.

The thaw.

So they can put on like a vest and shit.

Looks like it.

Oh, yeah.

Those look good.

Or you can step up your game.

Yeah, those are nice.

Still, I would go straight white robe all the way to the fucking floor, wear a hat every single day, and I'd put on a rose gold watch and keep it just to myself.

No one's going to be able to do it.

Would you do the wrap?

Yes, I would do the wrap.

I wouldn't know.

You know what I do?

I do the Mo Mar Gaddafi, just the yellow, the red tablecloth, smaller version with the with the band around it oh that one yeah yeah that's what I would rock I would rock that that's it that's pretty by the way I described that really good red tablecloth with the band on it it's an Italian tablecloth

what about the

PLO style the

PLO what was the guy's name

what was the uh

PLO that's uh what was his name the guy from uh Arafat Arafat was yeah Arafat what what was arafat

yeah um let's see arafat let's see yeah dude that shit's tight that's fucking badass he wore that forever that's almost like a luis j gomez hat where he he wears the cowboy hat but it's curled up on the sides also him with like that that on and the ray bands that's a fucking look right that's a sick look yeah

dude that's a sick look

Yeah, fuck yeah, dude.

One of the outfits we should allow in our country

is

military greens.

Military, like, you can wear military clothes.

One of my

favorite jokes, because, you know,

people wear camo.

All the camo is like fashion now.

Yeah.

Is like B.J.

Porter, this very funny writer, told me whenever he's in L.A.

and he goes to like a...

Like, goes to like a Hollywood party and someone's wearing like a camo jacket, he'll just lean in and go, thank you for your service.

And they're like, what?

And they're just like, it's just a fucking jacket.

He's like, oh, I'm sorry.

I just, I thought, I thought it was from your time in this military.

I think people underestimate how funny Hollywood writers are.

I was sitting with a writer.

It's painfully funny.

I was with a writer at a dinner party.

This had to be, I don't know, fucking probably 10 years ago.

Valley Village where we used to live.

And this guy came up with his boyfriend and he said, introduce himself.

He's like, my name's Bill.

This is my partner, Mark.

And the guy goes, oh, you guys are cops?

That's very funny.

Yeah.

It made me laugh.

But you look at like, you know, like

you look at like Nikki Glazer took that picture with all her writers for the Globes.

And I thought that was cool that she gave them credit because that was a monster performance.

I didn't see it.

I heard about it.

I heard that it was amazing.

She had type in Nikki Glazer Benaffleck joke.

Oof.

Was that a burp?

That was bad.

That was bad.

You're going to smell it.

You're going to smell it.

Ah.

Nikki Glazer's Benaffleck joke was so good.

But I thought it was cool that she like gave, when you saw that list of writers, the people that were in that writer's room.

Yeah.

Dude, monsters, monsters.

The funniest human beings in Hollywood and in New York were in that fucking room.

And I mean,

I looked at that

thing and I was like, I mean, the skill set Nikki has is to know how to get whatever they're saying in that room in her voice and make it hers and really deliver it and like own it on stage.

And I mean, she wildly went off script towards the end of her thing because the closer didn't work.

And so she had to remember one of the other jokes they had in the room.

Like Nikki just, she destroyed.

But I love that she gave credit to those writers because that writer's room room was the funniest fucking, every one of those people.

I was like, that person's made me cry laughing.

That person's made me cry laughing.

And I like that she, you know, gave them credit.

Well, one thing that's cool about this Nikki's kind of ascent is that she is a fucking grinder.

She has, Nikki is somebody who has worked so hard and has done all the work.

And, you know, you've, I've been seeing her, obviously, for years, like, just work the road work the road get on stage like nightly put out material and then she just you know

just obviously like became a better and better and better comedian and got opportunities and capitalized on them so i think she's just somebody that like in comedy people are genuinely happy for because she's really just earned everything that she's got right now she's just she's killed it She her last HBO Max special we watched with the girls, which maybe wasn't appropriate.

They were young.

And it was a monster special.

And then, and that is the truth: she is someone that has gotten on stage every night.

And when she gets a job like this, she does not let them down.

She was like, I will be with the writers every day, five hours.

I will be going on stage, running these jokes at night.

I will bring them with me.

I'm going to take this.

I mean, she takes it so seriously.

She is a real fucking comic.

She is real.

Is this in the bit?

some of the incredible movies.

Like her pace, her timing on that's perfect.

It is always fun, the cutaways.

Whether people laugh or are horrified, the cutaways are always great.

It was Benny Blanco

and Selena Gomez was a good one, too.

But

you could tell that like

Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez have heard that joke about them is that, you know, you know, on paper, she looks, she's beautiful, and Benny's like a regular looking guy.

But, and so, like, you could tell that they were like, I know where this is going.

But it was still a great joke.

It was, she, her joke was, uh, we want to thank Selena Gomez for being here.

And Benny Blanco would like to thank the genie that granted him that wish that he could date See Selena Gomez.

That's funny.

It was, it was, it was awesome, man.

She was, she's a monster.

I'll be at the Super Bowl with her this year or the big game.

I'll be at the big game with her this year.

Me, Tony Henchcliffe, her, and Adam Ray as Dr.

Phil, and a special surprise guest.

Let me know if you want to come.

Okay.

Let me know if you want to come.

Awesome.

Awesome.

I'll be on tour this year.

The whole year.

Are you on for the whole year?

I'm on for the whole year.

I'll be touring,

well, right now through May, and then I'll announce fall dates.

I'll take most of the summer off.

I really enjoyed doing that last year.

Instead of just like pushing through it, is like enjoying summer.

You know, like like the boys are out of school.

It's really like a great time.

So I'll take like 90% of the summer off and then get back to it in the fall.

And then, yeah,

go through.

Oh, there you go.

There's your writers.

Look at that writer's room.

Yeah.

Strong.

Mike Lawrence not wearing a suit.

It's Rich Voss's wife.

Yeah.

I like calling her Rich Voss's wife instead of Bonnie McFarlane.

I'm sure she loves that.

That's a fucking monster.

That's a monster.

Those are some of the

greatest white voices working in comedy right there.

Wait, not one black guy?

Well, you said you wanted the best of the best, right?

So there's.

Oh, there is an Asian.

Yeah, there's diversity.

There's one Asian.

When my writer's room was together, they were like,

this is insane.

People were telling me, they're like, this is insane.

to have so many white writers.

And I was like, really?

And they were like, yeah, dude, this is crazy.

really yeah they were like they were really like blown away by it and i was like this is who you

sent me to interview why don't you send more people i mean i didn't call these people up you sent me people and said meet these people

there's uh

there's uh

there is an interesting uh being in a writer's room is so fun it's the best it's the best it's just It's the funnest.

It is the funniest.

It is all the kids in class that were funny as fuck all in one room, room, and there's no rules.

Yeah.

It's cool.

It's really cool.

And it makes you funnier.

It does.

It elevates everything.

It elevates everything.

It elevates everything.

There's no substitute.

It's like,

what's better than a one funny person is fucking 12.

You know, like, yeah, it's like you get all these minds together.

It makes everything better.

A couple of things.

I have to pee.

And I have to get on a fucking plane.

I got to get out of here, dude.

This is fucking crazy.

No.

Hey, do me me a favor take pictures that see that even that's horrible that i would say that is like

take pictures from the plane that's almost like uh schadenfreuden of like look how pretty all this all this loss is you know here's what take it back don't say it but just know that i will okay i can't control myself

i'll send you photos that is crazy that people flying in are taking pictures at like people's loss people lost their lives no i know people died and people are like that looks so cool

Well, they also just can't believe how horrific.

It looks like a war zone.

Can I tell you the thing that bothered me the most is

there is something in the internet's taken over, okay?

And I call it,

for lack of better words, fucker and the pussy, okay?

It's that energy of fucker and the pussy of like news crews are down on Hollywood Boulevard, Runyon's on fire, and they're like, hey, can I talk to you for a second?

And people are, every individual is personally branding themselves or their product or their

promoting.

Like one lady, everyone, everyone they interviewed was live on Instagram.

They were live, right?

So everyone wants to be their own news crew.

Everyone's live.

And then the lady would be like, hey, can you not look in your phone?

And the woman just looked at me and she goes, I'm live right now.

And the other lady's like, I'm on fucking TV.

And she's like, yeah, but I'm live right now.

One guy was like,

yeah, this is crazy.

It's so good.

I learned about this from PRC Media.

PRC Media was so good.

And I've been following them.

And

I'm watching all this.

One guy goes,

this is the best.

And this was the kicker in the pussy or puncher in the whatever thing.

Yeah.

The one guy, they go, they go,

he goes, what happened?

She goes, there's fires.

He goes, what?

He's fucking with her.

He's clearly fucking with her.

She goes, yeah, there's fires.

And he goes, how?

She goes, I don't know.

And he goes, wait, wait, wait.

We can show this one i just sent it so please show it please show it yeah this for people didn't see this this was great this is great he's like wait why are there

why are there fires

in the news right but yeah this is great um

the way the lady on nbc last night clearly has never been to the valley like she has never been to the valley she's a west sider and she was like freeman canyon's on fire and everyone in our house was like that's really close and she's like alex trabeck's house is burned down and i'm in my head, I was like, okay, hold on.

Alex Trebek's house is torn down.

When he died, they tore it down and they're building houses on it.

They're building multiple houses on that lot.

And it's right next to Fryman Canyon.

And I'm like, bitch,

you got to know where the hell you're talking about.

You're not talking about the right places.

And then she goes, correction, it's Runyon Canyon.

And we're like, Runyon Canyon?

She was like, I'm sorry.

You know, she's an idiot.

Say that again?

Why are you in a fire?

Yeah, that's it.

There are multiple fires that are taking place.

You're supposed to know.

Well, I don't know how it started.

We don't know how it started.

All the gay people in L.A.

I like how they go, okay.

All right.

Okay.

This guy is just...

I would have stayed in the pocket and been like, what do you mean, all the gay people?

He's like, you know what I mean?

Explain yourself.

Oh, the destruction they caused.

And then God got mad.

You know what I'm saying?

Started all these fires.

Okay.

All right.

Got a run.

Good luck.

Good luck on the 405.

Thanks, man.

It was great to see you.

It was great to see you.

Glad to keep him for this.

Thank you.

Thank you guys for watching.

Thank you for listening.

Stay safe.

We love you.

We'll see you next week.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.