Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

100%.

Hey, welcome to an episode of Two Bears One Cave.

Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th.

It's called America's Sweetheart.

Arshabir.

Thanks, guys.

Good to be here.

Nice to see you, boys, again.

Good to see you.

Congratulations.

Congrats.

Thank you.

You excited?

I'm pretty excited, yeah.

When did you shoot this one?

April, DC.

In DC, I think.

End of April.

I'm always curious, as a self-destructive comic, what are your intentions for this special?

As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low, and kind of likes to blow up their own career, what are you hoping comes out of this special?

Ooh, good question.

Like,

do you want

Bradley Cooper to call you and be like, you're so talented?

No.

No, that's not what I think.

That wouldn't be bad.

Okay.

Hey, it's Brad.

I should get a phone call one day.

It's Brad.

Oh, he FaceTimes.

He FaceTimes.

He just FaceTimes.

What a geezer.

Oh, he's awesome.

That's what my mom does.

That's what I do.

FaceTimes?

That's what Shaq does.

He does FaceTime.

Or FaceTime everyone.

If I was Shaq, I would just FaceTime straight to Dick all the time.

Wow.

How could you not?

It's such a bold move.

I know.

He FaceTimed you taking a shit one time.

He was taking a shit?

Yeah.

What?

I would love to see that.

And I was on stage.

How big are his dumps?

That's what I'm saying.

I want to see that bull.

Yeah.

I got videos.

See the shits?

You don't have a a video of his shit.

I'm almost certain I do.

Go to his.

So he showed you the bowl?

No, hold on.

You went in there afterwards and

just kind of sniffed around?

Doesn't have an auto-flusher?

Yeah.

But think about how big.

How big?

No, just how.

You ever sit in a toilet and your dick hits the bowl?

Yeah.

I mean, he's got to get extra big toilets.

The volume.

I took a shit at his house.

And I was thinking about that.

I was like, oh man, this is where he shits.

Because also, it must be...

We went to Philadelphia, whatever.

All their

76ers, all the toilets are like way higher.

The urinals start here.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Short is 6'5.

Right.

Right.

So I'm going to take a shit.

He's going to take a shit.

Okay.

And

wait, you have the aftermath?

He's farting his way in.

Oh.

No.

I would love a count on how many times, like if there was a running life count on how many times he's hit his head on a doorway,

like it's probably in the thousands, right?

Where he's just like, like, fuck.

Because everyone's experienced it, but it's a daily occurrence for him.

Nothing is made for that man ever.

Nothing.

Toothbrushes.

His teeth are bigger.

Like a toothbrush, he's going to go like, uh, he said that for a water bottle.

When I sat down with him, I was like, what's up?

He's like, these fucking little things.

It was a regular water bottle.

And he's like, fuck.

He squeezes it.

Have you seen a special?

about...

Shaq has a special now?

Come on, Netflix.

Yeah, it's called Shaq.

No, it's on the magic.

Penny Hardaway and Shaq.

When you see Shaq at 22,

buddy,

he is, I mean, undeniable.

Because he was lean and powerful.

300 pounds.

He was 28

when he got in the league.

Yeah, and he would run the...

Remember, he would sometimes take the ball up himself.

They would just dish it to him, and he would run up the court the way he would move.

I asked him

when I was dating a girl who lived in Orlando on the same lake Shaq did and in college.

And, you know, like,

you know, white men or some older white men in that time would just be like, man, Shaq's a wild man.

You know what he does?

They take their jet skis and they run them from the lake into his pool.

And I wanted to know if that was real.

Shaq goes, yeah, we did that.

He would take his jet ski, go as fast as they could on the lake, and then get on the grass and try to get it all the way up to the pool.

Sounds right.

And you're looking at just dentists going, What the fuck?

My favorite with him was in Jackass, and he starts with like he's holding Wee-Man, but you can't see him, it's just here to hear.

He goes, I'm Shkulanu.

This is bowling for whatever.

And then it pans out he's got Wee-Man, and then all of them are lined up: one, two, three, and four.

And he just throws Wee-Man at all of them.

But my favorite, he's doing some setup shot, and somebody comes with a water balloon and hits him.

And he's like, hits like that.

And he just looks at the camera guy and goes, was that piss?

The camera goes, yeah.

He goes,

and then just takes off after this guy.

Have you seen the video of Philip Seymour Hoffman falling off a van?

No.

Do you type in Phillip Seymour Hoffman commercial guitar fall?

It is, I saw it this morning and I was like, it's a real fucking.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

This is insane.

Did his own stance, Philip Seymour?

Dude, this is from a commercial?

Yeah, I think so.

Watch this.

Okay.

Go, go.

Yeah, here you go.

Oh, this is in what's it called?

Hey, this is Dean Trumbull for the mattress man.

Give me a call at 370-0466 for limited time only.

DD mattress and Queen Mattress sets for $99 and king sets for $129.

Oh.

Shit.

Man, you alright?

Shit, man, are you okay?

I was afraid that was going to happen.

I was afraid that was going to happen with that goddamn thing.

Are you okay?

No, I'm fine.

You're all right.

You can learn for another.

You get it on film?

Yeah, we got it, guys.

That's great.

That's a pro.

Or someone

is using heroin.

Yeah.

I don't feel anything else.

I don't feel anything.

That's a legit fucking fault.

That's a fault.

That definitely sucked, man.

I'm sorry.

Second bounce, and then it was like, now it's trouble.

I saw that this morning and I was like, that's,

you got to go to the hospital.

That definitely sucks.

Were Were you searching for the money?

No,

it just came up.

All that's in my feed right now, all that's in my feed is Shane Gillis clips, Theo Von clips.

God, the Shane Gillis ones come non-stop.

Non-stop.

Yeah.

The fucking CEO shooter.

CEO.

Brianna Chicken Fried.

Brianna Chicken Fry?

Brianna Chicken Fry.

You know, are you familiar with the Brianna Chicken Fried?

Say her name?

Brianna Chicken Fried.

Say your name.

Am I saying it wrong?

Try to say it again.

Brianna Chicken Fried.

Yeah, you're saying it wrong.

Well, you say it.

Brianna Chicken Fry.

Huh?

I'm talking about Brianna Taylor.

Who the fuck are you talking about?

Say your name.

I feel like, I feel like

Brianna Chicken Fried.

Why do you keep it?

Who the fuck are you talking about?

You don't even think you know who I'm talking about.

I know exactly who you're talking about.

Breonna Chicken Fry.

Who is she dating?

She was dating that country singer.

What's his name?

I forgot his name right now.

Zach Bryant.

Zach Bryant, yeah.

Yeah.

Why do you keep saying her name wrong?

She's a lunatic.

I'm not saying her name wrong.

You You are.

You keep saying it wrong.

He just typed it in, Bianca Chicken Fry.

Where?

Do you keep saying

chicken fry?

Yeah, that's what we're saying.

You said chicken fried.

Yeah, you said fried every time.

Oh, I know.

Okay, that's what it said.

I mean, are we really splitting hairs over a fucking make name?

Make believe me?

I mean,

that's a good point.

It's a good point.

It's not a real name.

Yeah, Brie, Brie Lepaglia.

Who is she?

She is, she had a podcast with Grace O'Malley.

Okay.

And

I guess Zach Bryan.

Who's hotter?

Did she used to hang out at the store?

Did she go to the store?

No, really?

I mean, she gets a lot of attention at the store.

Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.

Here's the deal: do you know any of the gossip?

Because I want to run it all by you and see what you think.

Run it by me.

I don't.

So, Zach Bryan, I'm going to jump in, throw my two cents in.

Okay.

He's getting real off.

You're talking about two cents.

I'm all ears.

Okay.

Is there any way I can catch up to three?

Yeah.

Those two cents really add up, right?

Two here, two there, two everywhere.

All of a sudden, you got 10 cents.

Go ahead.

Now the government's working for you.

You do that all the time.

It's so great.

So

Zach Brian, Zach Brian,

I don't know how to say his last name.

I don't know if it's Brian or Brian.

It's one of the two.

Zachary and her.

He apparently, this is my two cents for everything.

He got famous.

He doesn't have any real friends.

Starstating this chick.

Out of his league.

Out of his league.

Doesn't deserve her.

In real life, she never dated him.

I think she said she was in love with him.

I don't think she had.

I don't think she really compartmentalized how much the fame and doing arenas and dating the guy standing in front of the arena mattered into that.

That's just my opinion.

She was already a public figure before they started dating.

No.

I mean, she was.

She had a podcast, but she wasn't who she is today.

Trouble.

Yeah.

And so, but apparently he just gets famous and he can't control it.

he doesn't know how to deal with it, and and he just is a pretty bad boyfriend to her.

And from what everyone says, here's the weird part: is that anytime he acts up, her friends are around, they always record him.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty rough.

But when they're how bad of a boyfriend he was, he's he gets drunk, and while she's sleeping, he just starts recording her and waking her up and going, how you like that, huh?

Yeah, so it's not, it's not the relationship

or anything.

What's she gonna, what's they gonna catch her doing?

The relationship was doomed.

Hot chick, ugly guy, lots of money, can't trust anyone.

He's a star.

He's a star.

And he's really talented and he's good.

But the dynamic is way off because without his guitar,

he's doing anything she's doing.

No, he's changing her tires.

It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop and then she'd be like, thank you.

And then that would be the highlight of his day.

You see that chick pull him and I filled up her tires.

She's so cool.

Bro, tell us about what she smelled like.

Yeah, exactly.

That would be the full story.

She is absolutely beautiful.

She really is.

And he's, you know, I just don't see if he's not a country Western star, him getting her.

He doesn't look country also.

He was like Michael Booblay type of music.

He is.

He's country.

He is.

He's really talented.

Is that we're all fishing in the south?

Anyway, they break up.

Okay.

He says, yo, $12 million.

Let's never talk about this relationship again.

Wait, wait, wait.

He just gave her $12 million?

You got to sign an NDA.

Why?

She's already recorded everything.

Wow.

How much money does he make?

The tour grows $199 million.

Wow, that's a lot, Zach.

I take everything I said back about him.

I think he's

good-looking and talented.

I'm a big fan.

Cold play is two.

He is

from the bottom of the street.

Okay, this is the one part where I think Brianna got confused with emotions and loving a person as opposed to what it's like hanging out with number eight on the worldwide top touring artist list.

When you hang out with number eight, you always fly private.

You always have meals prepared.

You have people getting you anything you want.

Life is different.

That is a 1% motherfucker, and she got a taste of what it's like to be with the 1%ers, and she liked it.

All you got to do is not stir the pot.

And that's one thing she couldn't do.

No, no, no.

He broke up with her.

He broke up with her because I think he's just, dude, I think he doesn't understand how fucking what a mind fuck being number eight on this list is for him.

He's trying to be a real dude, and there's no way you can be real when you're number eight.

That's just impossible.

Bad bunny is in front of him.

The guy changed his name to Bad Bunny.

Yeah, well, no one on the list is a reasonable person.

Not one.

They're all out of their fucking minds.

Bruce.

Because that's

yeah, and I think he's full of shit, too.

You know, Madonna's crazy.

Metallica, guys, it's a spectrum.

Well, yeah, Brianna needs to realize she's hanging out with a young Madonna.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

A young Madonna.

Jones, Luis Miguel.

Literally, no one knows who Luis Miguel is.

No,

not one of us has ever heard of that name before.

He's fourth in the world.

Louis Nika, this is how his life is skewed.

He will go perform, and I'm saying soaking, soaking, sweating, take that shirt off, throw it, and the women will take it and drink the water from his sweat.

Fucking for real?

Yeah, dude.

What do you think that does to your head?

Yeah.

He's not a well-adjusted guy.

There's no fucking way.

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I mean, it's a mind fuck.

All this.

So he offers her $12 million.

Says, don't say a fucking word.

Let's just break up.

It's over.

That seems plenty.

All right.

She doesn't take it.

She doesn't take it.

She can get more on the market with the money.

No, no.

She says, my silence is invaluable.

I need to tell my story.

And so she goes to her.

So she's like, this is going to get some downloads because I'm the podcast.

Yeah.

And you know, Portnoy was like, you should come on my podcast and talk about it.

So hers podcast had to be pretty big, right?

She had one with Grace, which was a good podcast.

It was a really cool podcast.

And then she has one with Dave Portnoy and Josh and Joe.

All the time or just an episode?

All the time.

It's called BFF.

Why'd she call herself Chicken Fry?

I think it's, I don't know.

It's not from him.

Like, I think he's before.

It's before, yeah.

It's just a nickname.

But Dave's like, you know, Dave's like, fucking burn the bridges.

Tell your fucking story.

I know Zach Bryan.

Fucking go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no, Dave knows Zach Bryan and does not like him.

Oh.

Oh, Zach Bryan kicked his dog out of a green room.

Well, here's the origin.

She She compared her leg once to a Burger King chicken fry.

Hmm.

Okay, just

needle dick.

First observation, this chick fucking sucks.

No.

Yeah.

No.

This chick sucks.

No, you'd fucking fall in love with her.

She's funny.

She's only funny if you look at her face.

On paper, this chick sucks.

Oh, my leg is like a fry from Burger King.

Everyone Everyone will say that now.

God, hot chicks will make you think they're funny when they are not.

That is a true thing.

Yes, that's true.

When you're like, if you put them in a fat guy's body, they're just annoying.

Same joke.

Let me try it.

Call my leg chicken fry.

She's pretty.

If David Lucas did that, he'd be like, that's funny.

David Chicken Fry.

Man.

David Burt Chicken Fry.

She's not that bad.

But what do you think?

And then now her and Grace are having a falling out.

So Grace.

Of course, because she sucks.

Wait, why are they having a falling out?

Because I just partied with Grace right now.

Who's fucking Zach Bryan now?

No, Grace sniffed it out day one.

She's like, this guy fucking sucks.

You've got to hear what Grace says.

Why are they having a falling out?

Because she didn't listen to him.

No, because I think I don't know why they had a falling out, but now they broke up their podcast.

Grace went out and is doing stand-up show opening for Whitney.

And she went out.

Wait, wait, wait.

I love that.

Okay, go ahead.

You needed to just process process that?

Yeah.

Okay.

She's doing stand-up now.

Immediately jumps to theater tours.

Okay, go ahead.

I love these people that are like, I worked hard.

I practiced for over seven months to get where I'm at.

Grace and Brianna together.

Have any of these bitches done a year of featuring on the road to hopefully turn 10 into headline games?

I can't tell you that.

I don't know the answer to that.

I don't know the answer to that.

But I like them together.

I like them separate.

I kind of like Zach Bryan's music.

My question is:

Is it worth the 12 million?

Do you sign it, shut your mouth, never say a fucking word?

Well, her circumstances come into play in that decision.

There's the integrity of like my silence, but it's also like, you know, if she was, you know, working at Burger King, serving chicken fries, and someone's like, here's $12 million,

you probably would.

She's probably, I'm saying, she's probably in a good position to be able to do that.

How much do you think she makes on a podcast?

I've never seen a fucking idea, but $20 million a year.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never heard of it.

Enough where it didn't sway her to jump on it.

Yeah.

Yeah, if you offer Rogan $12 million, he was like,

Here's you.

I'll give it $10.

Can I tell you?

I just,

here's what, here's what bothered me in this whole thing.

Okay.

Is I would listen to her podcast where she talks about what it was like dating Zach.

She opens up.

She kind of slams him pretty aggressively.

We used to film him and he'd get weird about it.

No, she didn't.

What was her problem?

He just, he wasn't a good boyfriend, and you have those.

You have those.

But here you go.

I've sold my silence for nothing before.

There's people that we had bad issues with that we sold for nothing.

We just don't talk.

And now the other part is that she opened up everything and I was like, it's better not to talk sometimes.

How bad do you want sometimes for just someone to hack your phone and release it?

Like, I didn't put it out.

So bad.

All the darkest shit.

So just go

more than anybody.

I feel like you're like, I am so fucking vindictive.

I am so fucking vengeful.

I have, it's so hard for me to forgive and forget.

Because it's like, you know why?

And you know this and you know this is that I get I get put in a situation where they

and this is why I identify with her where I get taken advantage of and put in a weird compromising situation and they just go fuck him.

Fuck him.

He'll what's he gonna do?

And you just and you just go because I'm a nice guy you think I'm weak Fucking, and so this whole thing kind of fucking bothered me.

Because part of me was like, don't take the money and don't say a fucking word.

I didn't realize you were this invested in this.

That's probably my surprise of this whole thing.

So

why was he a bad boyfriend?

Well, he did more stuff, I'm sure.

Like, he just said mean things and he did, you know, like verbal stuff.

I think, I don't know, I don't really.

Those are just

maybe.

Could have, maybe possibly.

I don't know.

Maybe he.

I don't know.

I mean, okay, the worst girlfriend you ever had.

Yeah.

If she did a tell-all podcast, just fucking.

Wouldn't be great.

I mean,

I have a girlfriend.

Just if her friends did a podcast about me.

I mean,

oh, man.

It's like the worst.

He'd always finish her food before she was done eating it.

I love you guys.

That's the number one complaint.

I haven't eaten in years.

I was surprised.

Let me be done first, though.

I put salt on Leanne's food the other day.

You salt on it?

On her food?

Because you were going to eat it?

Because I was going to eat it.

And I was like, those aren't.

Hang on, let's get that.

She was like, what are you doing?

I said, I'm salting your food.

Not salty enough for me.

No, I just, I think that was the thing that was like,

I've sold my silence for zero.

Yeah.

12 million though.

12 million is a lot of money.

12 million is fucking

three or four hundred thousand.

For some, the other thing that's relevant is that

you know, we live in this world now, everything is like public consumption, but like a relationship's supposed to be private.

And so, for someone to go, like, hey, how about the thing that was between us that sucked, you don't talk about?

And you're like, I don't know, unless you go, like, I have to

relay this story.

Well, if you're relaying, relaying, like, like you said, like, being hit or something like real abuse, like, I understand.

But if you're just like, yeah, he just sucked.

Like,

why do you have to tell everybody?

Who's the next guy to date her?

Like,

you got to be on your best behavior.

Well, every time you start arguing, you'd be like, is your phone fucking recording this?

Yeah.

The best is the Mel Gibson argument with his chick.

Yeah.

When she knows she's recording it, he doesn't.

And she's being overly calm.

Yeah.

And that's just making him more enraged.

Of course.

He's like, what's wrong with you?

He's like, you should blow me!

You shouldn't talk like that.

Yeah, you're owned by a pack of

wait, so this is your first, I wanted to point out, this is your welcome back to Netflix, too, right?

Weren't you?

Yeah, 2017.

2017.

Yeah, are you excited that it's there?

I don't, I don't, I honestly, at this point, I don't give a fuck about platform anymore.

I want the most people to see it, which is, but that's where the most are gonna see.

Yeah, YouTube got sensory.

Yeah, did it?

Yeah, you started just randomly going, nah, we're not gonna show anybody this.

You said

so, we know the origin of chicken fry.

Why America's sweetheart?

Great question, Colin.

Great question.

Because I am that.

You are that?

Yeah.

No, I'm trying to get people to

get off the news and stuff and try to appreciate the good things in life.

And you got to, they're also going to release Jew.

Yeah, they're also going to find out Jew.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Their boss was mad.

Like, how come we didn't get that?

So they were talking to them.

That's great.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

So that means it comes off of YouTube.

I don't know.

I got to ask my Jews about that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think it might be up to me.

What would you do?

Would you take it off and guide people to Netflix or keep it both?

Yeah.

Take it off.

Take it off.

Oh, wait, wait, we haven't even talked about.

We haven't even talked about...

Andrew Schultz.

Wait, what?

What?

Never mind.

Ponte, let's go to commercial.

Wait, what?

Andrew Schultz.

Kendrick Lamar.

Oh.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What a dumb argument that was.

Okay, let's go.

It was based on nothing.

It wasn't even like, don't talk about black chicks.

I don't know.

Andrew's just like funny about it.

And then Kendrick's like a baby.

Did he respond?

Kendrick?

To the Schultz's?

I think his fans did.

Oh, the fans.

Definitely did.

Yeah, they're just like the smartest.

You've had those guys come out to you before.

Oh, my God.

It's so dumb.

They're so dumb.

The dumbest of those are so dumb.

I love those.

So

they've come out to me pretty hard, but it's like, they just get mad about disrespect on a level.

Like, I don't even know what you're talking about.

There's this new thing, too, that people do that is in this world where if somebody goes, like, if they would find that story, they see a video, and somebody goes, wait, what is like, what's the story here?

So, one of a fan will always go, this is none of your business.

Stay out of other people's business.

And you're like, what?

This is a fucking public platform.

People are like, it doesn't involve you.

And you're like, I'm not on the street.

Yeah, this is just, I want to know what the story is here.

And they're like, yeah, not for you.

I'm like, oh, okay.

How do you know about it?

I'll just ask somebody else.

Thanks.

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Yeah, who's going to be like, all right, I'll leave it alone then?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, man.

I told you the time I got, I got, I got in a fight with black Twitter.

About what?

Spelling?

No, no, no.

It was V-Day gifts for the hood with a hashtag.

Oh, you got involved in it?

And I saw it and I was reading it, and it was like, just, it was like, it was really racist.

But it was like, it was black people making the racist jokes.

Get her another baby.

You know, she already got 10 of them or whatever.

And then, so for, I put in,

I just Google searched great Valentine's Day gifts and then just put one in.

I was like, like, how about a classy pen?

And they fucking went off.

They're like, stay out of this, white boy.

This ain't for you.

Mind your own business.

And then I went, okay, how about anything Dungeons and Dragons, son?

And they were like, white boy.

Yeah.

And then, and I thought it was funny.

But then you start getting like, you start getting death threats.

It's trolling.

It's so funny.

It's trolling.

It's trolling.

It's so fun.

And then you're getting a rise out of them.

And then the rise goes a little bit too far.

And they come after your mom.

i got into it with korea too one time the whole central well i thought the joke was fun where's that another black joke korean uh twitter korean twitter it's uh and i said korean twitter i said how narcissistic for kim jung-un to name all his children after himself he's got kim jung ill kim jung

it was just a joke right it was like i thought it was yeah and i and then man i mean it was right around asian hate month yeah and it was Asian Hate Month.

Whatever it is.

Remember whenever.

You mean Stop Asian Hate?

Yes, Asian Hate.

Stop Asian Hate.

Oh, maybe it was my hashtag.

They've got it.

It's their month.

Asian hate month.

Today's way.

Kim Jong is actually the last name.

They just reverse it.

I knew that.

That was the joke.

Yeah.

I was like, ah, I got it.

And they were like, this is what's wrong with racist white people.

And I was like, that?

I was like, okay, I just deleted it quick.

So I was like, these.

Not worth it.

I got lectured.

Lectured is

such a great great thing to have.

Because I had a visceral response to the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock thing.

Yeah, you were mad.

You were worked up.

We were all pretty worked up.

I was worked up.

But then I ended up, I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews.

And like, I think when I let it out online, I was also like, I guess I was typing things out.

And, you know, I just wasn't, I was like, fuck this bitch, like talking about.

the wife and like and also and people were doing the same thing to me where they were like this stay out of this ain't your business business, man.

Stay out of black folk business.

And I was like, yeah, that's not what this is.

Like, this happened on stage.

And this is a comedian that got hit

for saying something.

It's not.

And they were like, let them handle this.

And I was like, no.

I can weigh in on this if I want to.

But then I was in New York that week and I'm walking down the street.

And this black dude just walks by me and he goes,

And I was like, oh, this is this.

This is like the residual effect.

I was like, oh, shit, now I have to to like keep my head on a swivel but they were into it they were into it yeah yeah but they were but then it just became like it went it started as like a uh emotional reaction and then i started trolling right because it was like they're right there they're presenting themselves yeah it just took off on it yeah

oh it's the best it's fun though you're the you find more joy in that you just get a rise out of people it's just so fun to deal with just so like

rises it's fun to throw a grenade into a room shut the door and walk away and go i don't care what happens yeah let's see them all fight yeah i mean i'm not good at it i stay offline really kind of entirely here's one for the fans if you want to any comedian you meet yeah if you want to fuck with them all you got to say is oh dude i love his you're my second favorite comedian yeah

if you say you're what you're one of my favorites they'll take that yeah second favorite they will all ask who it is who's number one and then hit them with anything you want yeah but just see how they react yeah or the other one that gets comedians to go like wait what is if you go you know who you remind me of Oh, no.

And then they'll be like, because

all that comedians will do is think of like whoever the five best comedians are.

And they'll be like, one of them, right?

A picture of Lenny Bruce Pryor.

Is that a cousin?

And as soon as you say somebody who isn't, they're like, wait, what?

Like, you reminded me of who?

And that will get any comic fired up.

You remind me of, and they just say anybody.

Anybody who's not one of the elite five

always gets a reaction.

By the way, can you do, because you were doing a really awesome impression before we started?

Oh, yeah.

Of who?

Of Winston Churchill.

Great world leader.

Yeah.

Let me do it.

Let's do it.

Yeah, get your glasses on.

You might want to turn around and come back.

I think that's usually how it works.

I write down great Winston Churchill quotes and then I say them to myself.

Our wayward steps are planted without too much calculation.

It's not a British accent.

It goes in and out.

Ah, wayward.

Ah, wayward.

It sounds like John F.

Kennedy a little bit.

Yep.

This is what Winston Churchill sounded.

I could use a drink.

Look at how that's how good that impression is.

I want a drink now.

I could use a glass of champagne.

Gertrude.

But it sounds like old-timey Americana.

Drew JFK now.

Ah, four score and seven years ago.

Why did you give him Lincoln?

Oh, is that a little bit more?

Why should you give him Lincoln?

That's where everyone joined the Peace Corps.

That's the same as your Winston Churchill.

No, it's very different.

New ones.

Definitely not very different new ones even you would have not very different it just sounds this is jfk this is winston churchill

it sounds like it sounds like the 1920s you just went louder no no i've been watching this winston churchill documentary i got him down fat he talks like this wouldn't it be like waywood steps like what it like wouldn't you throw some reduce some let me see here a little bit of yours let me see the quote all right the quote up so you got to kind of improv it oh sure just like some guidance

okay

Our wayward steps are planted without best planted.

What the fuck kind of quote is this?

I don't know.

I fucked it up.

Without too much calculation?

I mean, hey, he doesn't talk about it.

But

at least an accent.

It's

some accent would go.

Oh, it mics!

Like, he's not.

What I'm doing is I'm playing chords.

With a little bit of finger picking.

And you're thinking it's just chords.

Yeah, You got to get your ears checked, bro.

Yeah, it's the accent you don't hit, that's what you got to listen for.

The notes is this why we don't do Sober October anymore, maybe because I'm not good at accents.

No, I love it, yeah, that's what, yeah, all right.

As a member of both Sober October and Protect Your Party, oh, yeah, you're the only one, you're the only one,

you're the only one, respect on their name.

What's that?

Put Respect on their name.

We've never watched that episode, we refuse to.

Okay, we just think it's kind of ridiculous that we got replaced, yeah, just replaced, straight two new white guys.

At least make it diverse.

Bring in an Asian or a black guy.

No.

Wait, you didn't pick it.

I did pick it.

I'm the one who fucking.

No, he brought them there.

I said, hey, we're going to Skank Fest.

We're going to day early.

Who wants to?

You replaced us?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why?

Because you were showing me some disrespect off the free drugs I gave you.

No, thank you.

And then so forth.

Wait, wait, wait.

And then I said, okay,

I'll move on.

We got replaced because you drugged me and I didn't enjoy it.

You did enjoy it.

But no, hold on.

You didn't act like you enjoyed it.

Hold on.

I thought Joe replaced us.

I said to Joe and Tom, hey, and Tom.

Yeah, I'm going to be in Austin.

I sent them both texts with Norman and Shane.

And I said,

we're going to go to Houston.

We can stop for a day before.

You want like a four.

And Joe's like, yeah, yeah.

Just so you know.

Yeah.

I don't care.

Right.

Yeah.

Just so you know, I'm the only one that cares.

Tom's like, I'm running an empire.

I don't.

I have a career also.

But also, I do go,

it would be fun to get that Joe.

To get that laid back.

The Protect Your Parks Joe is not so Brock Toby.

No, it's pretty close.

It's pretty close.

We just get tuned up and fucking, all you do is none of us challenge them to fucking workouts.

None of us on Protector Parks go, let's do a push.

Hold on, I think I'm getting the...

I think I'm understanding.

Am I the problem?

You're the factor.

I wouldn't say problem.

You're a factor.

You're a key factor for sure.

I like

part of it is that when you come in, he's going like, how's this guy alive?

You're the self-help guy.

Yeah, he's self-help guy.

No, you're not the self-help.

He's like, let's help this guy.

Not self-help.

What's the opposite of self-help?

Backfiring.

Totally.

Yeah.

So it becomes that.

That's when it becomes annoying for you when you're like, all right, leave me alone.

Yeah, because sometimes you come in, right?

And he's just like, what's going on?

You're right.

Yeah.

I've taken that role in Protect Our Parks, but they're like, let's advise Ari.

I'm like, I don't want advice.

Oh, they started that too.

Yeah, I'm like, oh, see, so it just

rolls.

Wait, who's who's Bert and who's Tom and Protect Your Parks?

Protect Our Parks.

It is

okay.

It's all shifted.

Yeah.

So Shane's Bert.

No.

Bullshit.

I'm not Mark.

No.

Are you me?

I'm you.

You're me?

I'm you.

Shane's Joe.

What?

Joe's Tom.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, Joe's Tom.

Norman's me.

And I'm you.

Wow, that's a huge shift.

That's actually good.

Yeah, it's Shane's show.

Oh, it's Shane runs it.

Yeah.

Really?

Shane's show.

Really?

This is my impression of Joe Rogan when Shane's in the room.

Do your impression of Joe Rogan when I'm in the room.

I'll do it as Churchill.

I'll do it Joe Rogan as show.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

So he fans out on him.

Yeah, he fans out art.

We all do a little bit.

For real?

Yeah, he loves him.

But then Norman,

on Sober October, I just get to tag.

I just get to throw in jokes.

It's fun, make fun of your fat feet,

whatever.

And then

that's what Norman's job is.

He just tag, tag, tag.

Tag, tag, tag.

And who's me again?

I'm you in that I slow it down and I and then they're like, unwanted advice comes my way.

Oh.

Yeah.

You get the, oh, we can fix Ari.

Yeah, and I'm like, what?

I'm great.

Fine.

yeah same as you we're like i'm not looking to quit drinking i'm having a really good time you're gonna have withdrawals you're like i'm not even gonna quit what are you talking about you're like i want to take a day off and everyone's like let's get you to the hospital so do you think we'll ever do sober october again we should i got a new special out that would be a good excuse to come do one yeah but can i be joe you can be joe let's make him not sit in that seat okay oh you want to sit in the seat i want to be joe it's how do you get to be joe though yeah how do you how are you gonna be because joe what joe does that you don't have the capacity to do is not make it all about himself.

Hold on fuck off.

No, hold on.

There's a clip.

No, hold on.

That's a clip you

There's got to be a clip out there of you not interrupting no fire

I'm not interrupting.

I'm having a fucking conversation.

Okay.

That's how conversations fucking work.

I agree.

And and and sometimes I'll say, if you said the dot dot dot dot dot, and then I go, God, that's crazy.

I would never be able to do that.

And then, because Joe's done that, he goes, don't make it about you.

I go, but that's how life works.

I think of things and I go, that's amazing.

I could never run 25 miles.

Yeah.

You know, like, I can never run 50 miles.

But, but I, okay, I'll be Joe.

I won't make anything about myself.

Okay.

We'll put Joe in my seat.

No.

We swear.

I don't think we sit in the same seats there, do we?

I'm not sure.

We always sit in the same seat when we do it.

I'm going to a different seat next time.

I'm going to put on a costume.

I'm going to go in a different seat.

And I'm going to put in earplugs so I don't interrupt anybody.

Yeah, that won't do it.

You just go, it starts now.

Maybe a muzzle.

You guys got to have a fucking ball gag here.

Yeah, we do.

That would be That'd be really fun for me.

How would you get friends with that?

How would you run the show?

How would it be different?

What would you do?

Yeah.

You would just be like, welcome to the BERT experience.

Yeah, welcome to the BERT experience.

The BERT experience.

I'm here with my three favorite people.

That's pretty good.

And I'd start and I'd go, obviously, Joe Rogan.

He's like a big brother to me.

I can't wait to get some great life advice from him.

I got Tom Segura here, one of my best friends in the world.

And obviously, a guy I can't live without, Ari Shafir.

Guys, welcome to the podcast.

Wait,

would anyone like a joint?

Wow, that's a good guy.

You're crushing it.

You're doing great.

And then I'll go, I'm so sorry.

I didn't, I wasn't listening.

You say that one more time.

I do that a lot.

Okay.

And then, like, what's the first, like, conversation?

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Say that one more time.

It's not.

You should just.

Okay, I'll just be like, I was listening.

And I think that's a great point.

I will be like, I'll be definitely, I'm going to be Joe-centric.

Have you guys?

I want Joe to be the star of the show.

Great.

Yeah.

Because as my show, I want him to really shine.

First, okay, watch this.

I talk about bow hunting right away, and I wouldn't once tell him how good I am.

Just us.

No, you guys will have to bring it up.

All right.

Okay, well, hey, man, have you seen Bert shoot a bow and arrow?

Tom, keep it on Joe.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

No, we got to be more...

We got to be like, you got to be like, oh, this.

Does this look like a bow to you guys?

Just something I was thinking about.

Does anyone at this table know anything about archery?

Yeah.

Just like that?

Kind of lob it up?

Hey, it's Christmas.

Did you guys hide bows on your presents?

Speaking of bows.

Oh, what?

You ever shot a bow and arrow?

That's crazy.

Yeah, it is crazy.

I have a target set up in my backyard.

I got a compound bow from Cam Haynes, and I'm fucking obsessed with it, and I really want to go bow hunting now.

Except for carrying the meat out, is the part that I just

leave it.

Just leave it, dude.

How much of your life is lived to get Joe Rogan to say, I'm finally proud of you?

It's a higher percentage than he wants to say.

I'm going to get so fucking real.

Oh, boy.

Tears are here.

No, no, no.

I don't cry anymore.

Oh, I definitely wouldn't cry when I did.

There is a part of me that I'm uncomfortable with how much that accurate that statement is.

I look up to him so much, like, as a big brother, because I never had a big brother.

And, like, his advice he gave me in stand-up when I was at my lowest was so pivotal in getting me to where I am today that like when I catch good clips that he says like nice things about me it makes me happier than it should make me yeah it's like when a black guy says good job or like nice shoes four to one when a black guy's like dude I like your shoes you're like no true there's a I think there's a scale of black compliments yeah it's like there's there's a black guy complimenting your outfit overall that's fresh sun is like oh

and if he specifies your kicks that's a pretty wow.

And then if you liked your stand-up, well, I was saying, if a black guy tells you you're funny, it's just

like it's way higher.

I was with Mike Cannon.

We were doing a casino gig, and we were just like bolting through the halls to get to the to get somebody to eat.

We're like, oh, thanks, thanks.

Trying to get like just and then we're just not stopping at all.

And then one black guy was like, hey, man, look, I was at your show.

Like, hey, thanks, man.

I haven't really stopped.

Yeah, that's really cool of you.

It's four to one minimum.

So there's that one.

Then there's, oh, complimenting your athleticism.

That's.

I've never gotten.

Oh, my God.

That is a, that's really high on the scale.

Like, if they just go, man, oh, you got ups or something like casual, you're like,

like, pick up game and something.

Like, yeah, that's.

And then I guess the, then talking about your, like, saying you have a nice dick, that one's really high.

And then

Tommy, take it out of her mouth.

Show everyone.

Yeah.

And then the only thing better is if they suck it.

That's the fucking best.

It's so strong.

So

I had the best getting recognized I've ever had in my life.

And Peter's in the other room.

What I'm saying is 100% true.

So we're in Vegas.

Isla brings her boyfriend to Vegas.

He's never had In-N-Out.

So it's Sunday morning.

Everyone's leaving at like noon.

I raced In and Out at 10 in the morning to go get In-N-Out for everyone in our party.

Right.

My parents, everyone.

As we pull up in the Uber, we tell the guy to wait for us.

And there is a black man and a black woman.

They're dressed in, it looks like they work together.

They look like they worked at In-N-Out.

We thought they were the greeters, but they're screaming at the top of their lungs get the out of here what the fuck i said a bitch i'm on your team i'll smack you i mean the most i swear to god i'm not understanding this if peter walked in right now he would nod and say

outside the in and out at the front door so that's mcdonald's to to have to get into in and out you have to walk legit through this argument And as we walk through the argument, he said, motherfucker, woman, goddamn it, Burt Kreischer.

Holy shit, you funny as fuck.

Jack me up and he goes i was like yeah thanks and he's like i walked in he goes i said bitch

it was the fucking funniest interaction i've ever had in my fucking life

it's high up there yeah recognition is yeah

a joe rogan compliment is better than a regular compliment

if it's about like stand up or bow i'm sure bow hunting no stand up stand up or like i i

Stand up is a big one.

Business stuff, like if he ever says like, dude, you're like, like I remember remember him complimenting tommy to me one time and uh and he was like dude can you believe what tom's doing and i was like weight loss you mean no oh no oh

because he knew you couldn't believe that no i couldn't no

but uh but i was like i was like oh i should tell tommy this is a really sweet compliment that he gave to tommy through me he was like dude he's just killing it at the same time he was like we were at the back of the store and he was like you need to get a netflix special And I was like, I don't know how to do that.

He's like, be undeniable.

And I was like, what does that mean?

He's like, just be undeniable.

And I just was like, that's Schultz's new podcast.

I don't know.

It just sounds like something.

I wrote it in my joke book and I was like, just be undeniable.

And then you start, when you see when you're undeniable on stage and you just crush all the time and people don't want to follow you, then you're like, oh, that's what that is.

But yeah,

the one compliment that took a long time to get from Joe was the marathon.

Congrats for doing it.

Thank you.

Oh, right.

No, that.

Yeah.

I told you I was rubbing it in.

I was trolling him.

We were in a car with who's the guy with the shitty feet?

Yeah, Cam Haynes.

And I was like, so I think Joe was in the middle, Cam was in the front, and I was like, oh, because I know he wasn't camping.

I was like, hey, Cam, what do you think about Bert's marathon?

And he goes, dude, that's crazy.

That's like a legit hard thing to do.

That's so good.

I texted Joe the other day because I'm in Austin and I'm having to work out bench for this bet I have.

And so I texted him and I was like, hey, can you hook me up at On It, because the John Watson

that I can bench 315 by January 1st?

What are you at?

I did 295 twice today.

Damn.

Yeah.

Clean, like clean, nothing just by myself.

And so

did 295.

74 feet of bench without a buffet on it.

Sorry.

Word play.

And so

I texted Joe and I was like, I was like,

I was like, hey,

can you help me get in it on it?

Maybe reach out to Aubrey.

I need to, I need a bench.

And then, like an idiot, I go, I'm in a bench press bet for 315.

And as I hit send, I was like, I didn't need to include that second part because I know Joe in his head's like, the fuck are you doing?

Yeah.

What the fuck are you doing?

A bench press bet.

You're going to hurt yourself.

I could hear him.

You're going to hurt yourself.

Yeah.

What'd he say?

He went, sure.

So Aubrey hit me up and then I worked out it on it today.

It's fucking, it was, it's, I mean, on it is beautiful.

I mean, there are so many beautiful people there, Everyone.

And no, like, you'd think they'd be all influency and videotaping themselves.

They're not.

It's like just fucking people really working out.

They're super fit.

Yes.

Dude, a guy, Tommy, a guy was doing deadlifts, but he was doing them with the bar in his arm like this, and he'd reach all the way down.

I mean, he'd bend all the way down.

So the bar is here.

in his bicep and it would touch the ground.

He'd bend over all the way.

I've never seen anyone do something like this.

I was like, what the fuck?

I love a Rocky workout.

You know, know, Rocky.

Not a squat, not a front.

No, it was a bent.

It was a

Zerger workout.

Is it called a Zerger squat?

It was a deadlift where his body bent like this, Tom, all the way down, and

the weights touched the ground, and he took it all the way up.

No, it was a

deadlift grip, right?

Same grip.

Deadlift.

Deadlift.

It was fucking crazy.

What's a deadlift?

Like this?

No, when you bend over and pick it up and stand up and and then bend over and pick it up.

Yeah.

I've never seen someone.

No, there it is.

No, no, no.

No, that is a look.

He's doing it.

No, but he was going to.

To a top, top, right?

He was going like this.

Whoa, shit.

He was going like this.

But isn't that that image right there?

All back?

All back, all the way down, and he could touch the ground and come all the way up.

All back.

That's the...

What?

Was that a bad angle?

All back.

It was crazy.

That seems nuts to do that.

It's very crazy.

So, did you see that guy's cock?

Oh, yeah, look at that.

So, wait, okay, are you pro murdering CEOs?

I mean, I like mayhem.

So, yeah, not specifically.

Yeah, you're one of the first people that I thought of.

Yeah, I was like, Ari's into this.

I was pissed about it because it shows this video and it shows you know, graphic content, and then the guy passes, he pulls the gun, and then the video stops.

Where's the fucking graphic content?

You can watch it.

You can't use the word graphic content willy-nilly like that.

I know.

I don't think I've ever thought if I was to assassinate someone, I think I'd want them to see me.

Well, if you don't want to get caught, that guy didn't want to get caught.

How so?

He didn't know the camera was there, right?

No.

Well, he was all covered up.

Yeah, he was covered up.

But no, but if you kill someone, don't you want to do it right in their face?

I don't want to do it behind.

Well, the guy did turn around and definitely saw him, but he saw a masked guy.

After he fell?

When you see the footage, yeah, he turns and goes,

yeah.

It bums me out that it bums me out that the internet loves that this guy got murdered.

Yeah, they don't know anything about him.

They just go, yeah, good.

And you're like, oh, he's got kids.

And, I mean, I don't know if he has kids.

He does.

He has kids.

He has kids.

He also came from a real working class background and, you know.

Became a CEO.

But the internet loves this.

Why did he kill him?

Because he basically thinks that, well, using the guy as a symbol for healthcare in America and, like, how callous and careless.

I have that health care.

It's been annoying going to three different doctors and going, no, no, you're on a specific plan that they don't cover this.

But I called before, like, yeah, but now we see your car.

Yeah, but a lot of it, too, was about

how so many people are put in, like, your claims denied.

Oh, yeah.

And they need life-saving sometimes care.

I was talking to Bobby Kelly about it in Havana, where he was like, say whatever you want, but American healthcare is the best in the world.

And I was like, what are you talking about?

Well,

we're capable.

So people who have free health care, a lot of times, if they're of means, you know, a lot of times they don't talk about

in Canada, parts of Europe where they go, it's on the house here.

Like there's still year-plus long waits for certain procedures.

So people of means there will fly over, but these people are writing shit.

They're people who can afford to go like, I want to go to the Mayo Clinic.

You know, here you go.

So they're not going through insurance in that position.

Oh, you know what I mean?

Okay, can I ask a

crazy question?

You cannot answer it if you want.

So when, but I don't want to, but I don't know how private you want to be about this.

But when push got cancer, do you have to do like the, do you, do you,

do you you just go like how does that work?

Do you have to like like wait and stuff?

I'll answer this one.

So what she did

Or can you pay extra money and go, we need this taken care of today by the best guy?

Can you do that?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, we we have insurance and it was just a matter of like being diagnosed and you know, we want to see this doctor.

Our plan allowed us to see this doctor and then the appointment was like within days.

It was this is a very ignorant question.

If you have more money, I guess you have better health care, or do we all have the same health care?

You can get private stuff done.

Yeah, I mean, we have it through a large insurance company, but I think we do too.

Like mental health, anything they offer you is pretty shitty.

And the really good ones are like, I don't take insurance.

You're going to have to pay for that or get your marketing to pay for that.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, it could have, I mean, the benefit we have, obviously, is like if somebody had been like, we're not going to do this, I could have come out of pocket for it but a lot of people aren't in that position you know so i just had the same kidney infection for fucking three times now for the past three fucking weeks and it's been a pain in the ass but i and it's just but it's doctors going like whatever like they're not they're just not they're not taking it serious and then the doctor we saw today was like uh this is bullshit she needs to be on intervert intervening intervenus uh whatever yeah antibiotics It was the biggest mind fuck to me is to realize not every doctor is good.

Yeah, that's because you grow up trusting all of them, politicians too.

Like they're doing it and they're just better and worse.

That's because we put them in a special platform.

We're just like all doctors are inherently wonderful people that are here to take care of them.

Hey, if you're in med school right now and you're listening to this podcast, you need to drop out.

You should not be listening to our podcast if you're in med school.

You need to drop the fuck out

and travel through South America.

Get the fuck out of med school.

If you're listening, what other occupations should not be listening to this podcast that we can maybe help cover?

Priest,

if you're a priest, yeah, yeah, we're listening to you

of any kind,

just come out of the closet, dude.

It's not worth it.

It's not good for priests.

What's an inherently good or seemingly inherently good track to take in your professional lives besides medicine?

Medicine's like the ultimate.

Lawyer and medicine.

That's what our people.

But we always

accept that a lawyer can be a piece of shit.

We almost expect them to be.

Doctors are never crooked.

Lawyers are always crooked.

Yeah.

Dentists, too.

Fucking dentists and car fucking people that fix cars, I always think are crooked.

I found this out with dentists.

They're like, hey, your church barely ever covers it.

Half a tops.

And they're like, it's as much.

You could offer them less.

You'd be like, I don't have that.

Can I give you like 300?

And then you're like, yeah, all right.

It's just going to them.

If they're like, I'm not full tomorrow anyway, sure, it's a free 300.

If you're like, I actually can't afford a thousand.

I learned that with

like veterinary care.

If you have like a sick animal, like whatever it was, like 12 years ago.

That dog?

Yeah, they were like, it's like a possible.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we were like, this dog, we had it for like a week, and he had this horrible life threat.

And they put him in the thing.

They're like, it's $1,000 a day.

And so we did it for a couple days.

And I was like, hey, I can't just keep doing $1,000 a day.

And they're like, well, what can you do?

I was like, I don't know, a couple hundred?

And they're like, okay.

It just shifted to that.

Wow, was that always?

Yeah.

They were just like, yeah, fine.

Can I get that other thousand back?

Yeah.

And they're like, that one you gave us.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Then they kept him there on $200 a day.

Wow.

Dude, we had a fucking hack, a hack fucking do leg surgeries on Priscilla.

Priscilla had five knee surgeries.

And on like one of them, they went in and they're like, oh, he left all this in there.

Like all the wires.

No wonder she couldn't walk.

And we were like, what the?

And you just think, because they sound confident, they know what the fuck they're doing.

If you tell like Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh.

You know that?

We were at

a party one time we was talking about and he was like, this guy was like, you wait, you did what for your dog?

And we're like, Yeah, the surgery, like surgery.

Like, no, no, you just put the dog outside, you shoot it in the head.

Dude, I went to, I was in Colombia at Spanish school, and we were like talking about peros and whatever.

Yeah.

And somebody's like, so where are your dogs?

This Venezuelan refugee who's teaching us Spanish in Colombia.

And everyone's like, mine's with my sister.

I was like, okay, Hermana, you know, or whatever.

Like, you know, and then

one of the guys, like, mine's like at a

doggy resort, doggie hotel.

And then the lady's like, no,

I think you're using the wrong word.

And we're all like,

she's like, what do you mean by that?

He goes, it's like kind of a resort for dogs with a lot of acreage.

And she's just like,

my father was killed.

Yeah.

You have a resort for your dog.

They can't even conceive of it.

All right, I guess I'm teaching this class.

Tip better be good.

Oh, my God.

You ever gas up an Uber driver?

What do you mean?

Just be like, yeah, man, fucking women drivers.

And he's like, dog, buddy, there's no fucking idea.

And then your wife's in, my wife's in the car, and I'm just getting this guy worked up.

I had a guy get so worked up, an Uber driver, about JFK assassination.

And I didn't even ask for it.

I didn't even ask for it.

I was just like, I think I was in Nebraska.

And he's like, where are you from?

And I was like, Austin.

He's like, I was just in Dallas.

Let me tell you something, man.

There's zero fucking doubt.

There's zero fucking doubt cia and i was like uh you know what i actually don't need to go that far if you could just pull over he gave me like all that and i was like yeah he goes here's this guy's number if you want to go get on the tour he gives me the guy's number i was like cool yeah he's like he laid out everybody involved and i was like you just did this huh he's like yeah he was like 70.

wow it's tough to argue with him it's like they're set cool man I had one of those way back from Dixie Chicks, we got one of those like cabs.

It was just like, somebody has like four cars, you know?

Yeah.

And so it was just a minivan.

He's cool.

He was like, you guys had fun tonight?

He's like, if you want to stop at 711, we got beers, you can drink them.

We're like, oh, this guy rules.

Yeah.

In the back, driving.

It's an hour drive, 20 minutes in.

He goes, so where do you guys get your news from?

And

he just started talking.

What do you think about this guy?

What do you think about this guy?

They're all liberals in the back with me.

So they're like, no, I'm a fan of whatever.

And he goes, oh, boy, I bet you.

And then he goes, he goes, I'm like, where do you get your news from?

He goes, googlealternativenews.com.

And I'm like, wait,

Google

Alternative News?

He goes, no, GoogleAlternative News.com.

That's the site.

I guess

it's called Google Alternative News.

And GoogleAlternative News.com.

You know, Michelle Obama's a man.

And I was like, I've heard that.

Whatever.

I'm just agreeing with him.

I only stopped when he got to Madonna's a man.

And I was like, fuck off, dude.

That's a sex symbol.

No way.

Oh, here it is.

This is it.

News.

So good.

Look how it's built.

Like when you're learning HTML.

Alternative.

Science, medicine.

Oh, let's see some science from alternative news.com.

Can you make that bigger?

Measles being spread by vaccinated in all caps children.

Research confirmed.

Oh, boy.

Total corruption.

Government regulators relied on industry-funded herbicide studies to declare glyphosate, what?

Glyphosate safe.

Weaker in space.

Long-duration spacelight linked to smaller spinal muscles and astronauts.

Acupuncture found as effective as nicotine replacement therapy for helping people quit smoking.

Okay, natural five-voice apple cider vinegar can help give you healthy hair.

Birch.

How about to get away with apple cider vinegar?

Dude, it gives me stupid cops.

What is that one?

French police officers play gun-drawing game on each other.

Female officer shot dead by her partner, who apparently had the faster draw.

Apparently.

Wait, they were going like this?

They were going like, they were going, let's see who draws faster.

And the guy just shot and goes, oh, I I forgot I wasn't supposed to shoot.

Holy shit.

What?

They don't even get guns.

They never really held one.

Oh, yeah.

Sign up for there.

Look at the old story.

They're telling this story fucking five years later?

They're searching.

Alternative news.com is not what it used to be.

It's really not.

That fucking, by the way, that Michelle man thing,

the level of disrespect involved in that story.

Can you imagine that you're her?

It's like, come on, man.

I was just married to the guy you don't like.

I don't even do anything.

I'm just, oh, fucking.

They really think.

First lady, and they're like, you got a dick.

It's like, it's fucking, no, dude.

It's so disrespectful.

And they're like, look, she's bigger than Ellen.

You can see her just stretched out on Photoshop.

See, my problem is I do that with all news.

Like, I think of all news and I go, sure, whatever.

Like, they're saying Jay-Z allegedly is with P.

Diddy on, like, some sexual assault of a 13-year-old, allegedly.

But, like, I just go, I look at all that and I go, that can't be real.

That can't be real.

Nothing can be real.

Nothing can be real.

When LeBron took a day off that personal reasons, and they're like, it's a Diddy thing.

Why has he gone to a non-extraditable country?

And then he's back the next day.

He goes, no, it's my foot.

Yeah.

No, I didn't think that.

So is Diddy going to jail?

He's in jail.

He's in jail.

He got denied his second bail, and that's when it's set in.

He's not coming out.

He's not coming out.

He's at Rikers, dude.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Okay, I really haven't been following the Diddy stuff.

Where's his music been lately, though?

I mean, bad boys for life.

How how about bad boys for a short amount of time

i know man i want to hear some of those beats again yeah so wait what happens to all his money oh you get frozen assets they freeze them right now and they also he offered about 50 million dollars bail and they were like no why because you're gone he would disappear because he's too much of a flight risk yeah and like but you know to offer up he offered up i think his bel air house or beverly Hills house.

And my favorite is then he was like, and my mom's house.

So he was like, fuck her.

That's how they're like, well, he wouldn't skip out on his mom.

Yeah.

So

Jesus.

And they were like, no.

Which just shows you that like someone's a flight risk, but also

you probably have some pretty damning evidence to deny that person.

I think this is going to put...

Weinstein and Cosby as like a footnote.

Hang on, do you think?

And it just goes to what?

Do you think, because I remember when the Hollywood Me Too was going on.

I was like, yo, if this goes to hip-hop, fucking houses are going to fall.

Because, I mean, the stories you've heard of.

Trains being run.

Trains being run.

And I mean, I've always thought.

Trains are all right.

I always thought trains could never be consensual.

I was like, trains?

What chicks, like, my dream is five dudes all fucking me.

and laughing about me as a high five.

I remember when the basketball team at my college did that.

Yeah.

For real?

yeah we had one of those two some girl was and they videotaped she was jerking off two guys one was her and she was yelling go terps go terps

she transferred

your name on campus a little bit but like do you think the this because you see diddy and right now you go

if the i mean like they say that allegedly ashton kucher is involved allegedly bieber's involved

allegedly everyone everyone's involved there's there's videos of rosie o'donnell like decade ago ago, like interviewing people and just going, like, making like offhanded jokes about it.

Did he want it to life?

Like, he's get, he's going, like, just like, they all kind of knew the way we were with, like, Harvey Weinstein.

We're like, we sort of heard, but I don't know.

But also, like, he had the wherewithal to back like 10 plus years ago, being like, no, no phones.

Like, before that became like a thing.

Dude, did he?

Yeah.

So people would go to these like yacht parties and Hampton parties and they'd, you'd have to turn your phone in.

It's so smart.

Yeah.

I guess it's not perfect.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I always think, like, I always think the best in the best case scenarios, because I always go, this has got to be something.

Even with Cosby, like, even with Jared from Subway, your buddy, I always think,

I was like, there's no way.

There's no way.

Yeah, there's no way.

You can't even wrap your head around a real evil.

Like, no way.

Really evil people.

And you want to be like, he's just like, I don't know.

I had pizza with him.

You did?

Yeah.

I thought that's the worst thing he's done.

I thought he wasn't a pizza guy.

I know, man.

I remember.

What a betrayal.

He lied about that.

What a betrayal.

Literally subs.

I remember.

Here's what I remember about Jared.

When we got to the set on the first thing, it was June in Jersey.

That's we were shooting the first commercial.

It was fucking humid, super hot.

And they had like a shitty trailer for me.

Because even though I was starring in them with him, I was the new hire.

So it was like it was like, like, you know, just weak AC.

It's like fucking 100 degrees.

And he had a, he had a fucking like tour bus, you know, like it's decked out.

And he's like, hey, if you want good AC,

just you can go in my bus.

And I was like, oh, thanks, man.

So he went there.

I go in there.

There's fucking pictures of kids everywhere.

Shut up.

So

I hang out in his

thing.

What are you casting?

And then, and then we shot for the, we shot for the day, day and then we go back to the city and he was we were at the w hotel one of the there's like four w hotels i remember that in new york we're at one of them and he's like hey you wanna he goes you want to split a pizza and i was like uh

all right

and he's like yeah man they keep telling me i'm gaining weight because this whole thing was like can't gain weight he's like you know fucking assholes anyways you want to get a pizza i was like sure that'll help so had a couple slices of pizza and um yeah you know he's like a he's a terribly uncharismatic guy.

If you remember, like, he's actually bad as an actor on

film.

Like, there's nothing like...

They just kind of show him holding the old pants.

That's all he ever did.

Yeah, and I'm saying when he had to deliver lines, he was always like, you know, like, just kind of.

He's a nerd.

Right.

Like, if he was an actor, he would never get a job

as an actor.

Okay, let's play this game.

Who's the most evil person you've ever met?

You're up there.

You're up there.

No, no, no.

I'm joking.

Oh, yeah, it might be me.

Yeah, it's me.

You're right.

You're right.

You're right.

It's me.

Who's the most evil person?

Interesting.

That's a good question.

Well, he's got to be at the

number one.

I've never met him.

I'm trying to think.

I've never met.

Which I would never.

There's the thing.

You never

walk away from that meat engagement with him thinking, what an evil guy, right?

It's that it's a hidden thing.

I grew up with a serial killer.

That's pretty evil.

Yeah.

I can't say his name.

Why?

I don't know because I don't, because he killed people, and his family still lives around the corner from my family.

That's fine.

He's in prison for it, right?

Just edit it out.

He killed hookers on the causeway.

Really?

Yeah.

In Tampa?

In Tampa, yeah.

Tampa.

He'd go, I think you're probably spelling it.

I don't know how to spell it.

We were kids.

I don't know.

Yeah.

What's so funny is

how many did you get?

Hookers, huh?

Yeah, my sister called me.

She was like, yo, dot, dot, dot.

Got caught killing hookers on the causeway when we were kids one time, you know, like everyone's like, yeah, what do you guys want to do?

Who do you want to do?

You edit names out only because these people still live in that neighborhood.

But like, he's like, You guys want to go into the house and cut the crotches out of our underwear?

And I was like, What?

He's like, My parents are watching our house.

I got keys.

Cut the crotches out of their underwear.

And I was like, No.

I was like, What?

Why?

And that's what he wanted to do.

He should have let him.

Maybe we wouldn't kill too many hookers.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's pretty evil.

Yeah, how many did he get?

I mean, if you're going to kill,

that's who you want to get.

That's that is because they're not going to put their resources really into it.

And nobody misses them right away.

No.

I bet hookers have great

radar senses of when shit's going south, though.

You only fuck up once.

Like, you could kill.

I think killing a regular woman would be so much easier than killing a prostitute.

Oh, right.

Because they know when something's

going to do that.

That's right.

A hooker's going to be like, no, no, no.

They got boundaries.

Yeah.

A regular woman will do it.

Like, you know, that guy who got killed in Saving Pro Ryan where the guy's on top of the knife.

He goes, no, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

my fucking kid.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying.

That's all I was going to do.

Don't do this.

I'd say that's so bad.

Yeah, it would be so easy to kill a regular woman.

Well, there's that guy that just killed him.

What race he just killed is that?

Interesting.

I mean,

now we shift.

Black goes to the bottom of that.

No, I mean, I'm not even trying.

Yeah.

I'm not even trying.

Okay.

I'm like, we're just thinking about this.

My first thought is Asian or Indian.

Oh, not Indian.

Why not Indian?

I just, I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I just that didn't even register to me.

You're not going to consider them?

Nope.

You won't even put them on the babies.

No.

Yeah, but that actually sounds racist.

Yeah, why not?

No, no, no.

I'm not killing them.

That's actually a positive thing.

But wait, why can't they get your consideration to be killed?

Well, I just, I don't know.

I'm actually really attracted to Indian women.

Okay, well, they're not.

And so, like, I wouldn't want to kill them because I find them attractive.

But a gross one.

Like who?

Mid one.

Like who?

Zarna Garg.

Is that a real person?

Yeah, she's a comedian.

Would you kill somebody like that?

If you were going to kill a woman, let's just say you're living out your fantasy.

No, there's Zarna Garg.

You wouldn't kill someone who looked like that?

Oh, boy.

No, I wouldn't kill Zarna Garg.

I still think they're fucking hot as shit.

Okay, keep going.

Okay.

Okay, here's your fantasy.

It's to kill a woman.

Do you want to see life leave her eyes or do you want her to be asleep and just like you hit her in the head with a hammer or something?

Do you want to be touching them while they like the pressure?

You want to see it.

You want to go.

Obviously, this is all all hypothetical.

I would probably edge it a little bit.

Let him back.

That's pretty evil.

And then you're one step from a dungeon.

If I'm going to kill one person, I want to kill them a couple times.

That's what that guy did.

Cleveland?

No, Rodney Alcala.

He would do...

like choke them out and then right before they died he would let go and have them like come back and then do it you know do you know which one do you ever hear the one yeah it's pretty.

Do you ever hear the one who's way to get all the meat out of the buffalo, though?

Yeah, I know, right?

Damn.

Do you ever hear the one?

Who was the one with the scuba suit?

And they thought the girl was lying.

He took her to the fucking cabin.

He was on Netflix.

Oh, yeah, the American Nightmare.

Yeah, but you know what?

He did a couple times is he got in, he almost killed them, and then he stopped and said,

I don't want to do this.

I'm really sorry.

You need to get a dog.

I need to leave.

You need to get a dog to bark if someone comes.

That's what Anonymous does.

Is that not fucking insane?

That comedian, that comedian,

that cop that was

women in, I think it was either Baton Rouge or Lafayette, maybe Lafayette.

He would tell women, he's like,

when he was done, when he was done, he'd be like, you know, this window's not secure.

And you should really have locks and you really should get a better security system for your house.

Like as advice on the way, and they were like, cool, thanks.

Wow.

Yeah, one of the guys worked for ADT.

One of the

BTK.

Yeah, the BTK killer.

He worked for ADT?

Yeah, he would set up your alarm system.

And he would scope out too.

He's like, oh, I'll be back here next week.

This is a good one.

It's got to be so freeing to be a murderer.

So it's like, you don't get angry in traffic.

Like, if someone cuts you off, you're like, just going to kill them.

I'm going to follow them home and murder them.

Yeah.

And be like, I'll get you later.

And then if you forget, you go, heck, I got off.

You know?

But knowing you could is kind of like doing it.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like some confrontational and someone's like, fuck you, man.

And you're just like, well, you don't know how this could go.

Yeah.

Like, we were in Vegas and we sat down

in a couch

with the girls

near the bar, but on a couch.

And I ordered a drink and the lady said, are they 21?

And I said, no.

She goes, you got to move to that couch.

It was five feet over.

Well, what?

She goes, I can't let you sit here.

And I was like, but what's the difference?

Can they just sit in that couch?

And they're like, no, you have to go with them.

You're your parent.

And I was like, so

I got to get up and walk five feet.

For some arbitrary rule in some magic line that I can't see, you can't see.

No cop's going to see.

She's like, sir.

Wait, and you want to kill her?

Did I tell you what?

Did I tell you?

I wanted to kill this lady?

Hold on.

I got a better one.

I got a better one.

I got a better one.

I don't want that one.

Hold on.

I got this better one.

I got to come back to that.

Tell me.

Did I tell you about the lady that wouldn't serve me at the airport?

No.

This is when you're thinking of serial killers right now.

This is when

you could just take care of it.

When you're a serial killer, you don't get upset because you just go, I'll be back.

Yeah.

Right?

What's your shift end?

I get off.

Yeah.

I get off.

Oh, so fucking angry.

And this goes back to Breonna Chicken Fried.

I don't.

Say her name.

Say her name.

Say her name.

Okay.

I get off the plane in Nashville.

I get a celebratory beer because I made it.

I'm alive.

Wait, you do a beer when you land?

Let's not nitpick this story.

Yes.

Wait, when I land, I get a beer off the plane.

At the terminal.

Yes.

And I'll walk you through why this is the greatest thing you'll ever think.

This is a life hack.

I have not.

I usually get going.

Yeah.

Well, you like to sit and wait for your bag because i don't i like to have a beer and let my bag come down and walk down when the sky caps like i'll put this up i go hey man that's mine he goes oh where were you i go taking my time i'm i'm i live my life i drive i drive my ship through the sea and i pick what wave i want to crash through now that's winston churchill yeah that's it

i pick the waves full speed damn the torpedoes full speed ahead so I get off the plane, I go to get a celebratory beer, and Pete's with me.

And I said, yeah, can we get, do you have Stella?

She goes, no and i went okay well um pizza with me and pizza i'm gonna grab go to the bathroom can you grab a beer no offer of what else they have i said she goes no and i said i already hate her and so i said well uh do you have any like any like stella esque she goes yeah i said great i'll get two of those she goes i can only serve you one and i said well no my buddy just went to the bathroom it i go i just never mind i'll just take one and then she goes okay and then i go you know he's gonna be back in a second so you might want to just start pouring two he's the guy you just saw and she goes i can only serve you one and i went okay and so she goes i need to see your id and i was like and i'm looking around now what happens here a little outside part of the story everyone at the bar recognizes me every single person at that bar is a dude who drinks who's probably heard me say never quit drinking and they're all recognizing me and they're coming over and getting pictures now part of me likes this interaction because she knows whatever instance whatever's happening is going to be okay i'm a normal person yeah I give her my ID.

She hands back my ID and then she gives me a little sip of beer.

Pete arrives arrives at this moment.

A little sip of beer, and I go, what's this?

And she goes, this is what we have.

It's like Stella.

I said, oh, no, it's fine.

I'll just take two of those.

And she goes, you know what?

I'm not comfortable serving you.

What?

And I went, excuse me?

And now everyone stops.

She goes, I'm not comfortable serving you.

You make me uncomfortable.

Now,

you can go to the Brianna Chicken Fry.

where you go out and you tell everyone the world, or you can do the take the money and shut the fuck up.

So what I did, and I was not proud of this, I'm not proud of this, and I wish I didn't do it.

I wish I could go back and change life, is I said, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable anyway.

I have two daughters that are roughly your age.

I would never want a man to feel, make them feel uncomfortable.

I'll go on my way.

And I tipped her 20 bucks and she went, excuse me.

I said, here's $20 for your trouble.

I apologize.

And I walked away.

I was up at night screaming at the fucking pillow going, you fucking, you fucking.

And because that's what I wanted to do.

Sure, but you took the higher road.

I took the high road, but the high road sucks dick.

It sucks.

It sucks.

Now here's her night.

She's talking to some guy.

Is she attractive or not so much?

Okay, she's talking to some guy or a friend.

She goes, how was work today?

I was like, it was fine, but this guy came in.

I've never played it as well.

I just said, fuck off.

I'm not giving you beer.

And he just gave me 20 bucks.

Do you know what she said?

This was even better.

This is even better.

Do you know, everyone at the bar watched this happen.

Everyone at the bar was like, what the fuck?

I walked away.

This is what upset me the most is that she was, and someone goes, do you know who you just did did that to?

And they go, who?

And she goes, that's Burt Kreischer.

Then she Googles me, and then she's got her own narrative because she's a

total asshole.

I was a total asshole.

All the good stuff I did, none of that counts because she gets to tell her story.

I was so angry.

Do you think, though, that

the part where she goes, you make me uncomfortable, is it's probably when you were like, he's just went to the bathroom.

He's going to be right here.

I didn't even say it like that, Tommy.

I swear to God, my energy was like, what?

Like more confused.

So was it that you got loud?

You did something.

I didn't get loud at all.

What was happening was dudes were recognizing me and they were getting, and she was like, I think the energy changed in the bar when I showed up.

And she couldn't fucking place it, didn't know who I was.

But I, and I had two instances where that happened.

I've had this, where I took the high road and I said, I mean, and I just didn't say what I wanted to fucking say.

Yeah, it'd be so nice to patrice it and just be like, fuck you.

Yeah.

Get me your match.

You suck.

Yeah.

I didn't do shit to you.

Did anyone else work in that bar?

No.

No.

And I know what gate it is.

And I know that bar in Nashville.

And I can't wait to go back.

They're not, the thing is, they know all these people are temporary customers.

You're not going to be back.

There's, there's, it's, it, and there's, he's actually going back soon.

Yeah, he really is.

New Year's Eve, I'll be there.

I'm going to stop, and I'm taking the same fucking flight from L.A., and that same bar is going to be right there when I get back.

God, I hope she doesn't.

And I'm going right back.

I hope she'll say I'm still not comfortable.

And you know what?

I'm going to tip her $100.

I'm going to tip her $100

and I'm going to start crying.

And I'm going to make her uncomfortable.

And

I'm going to say, you're the one that hit my mom.

That's a good one.

You're the drunk driver that killed my mother.

Really embarrass her at work.

Yeah.

That's not bad.

Oh, my God.

Get into it.

You were grooming my nephew.

You hit my mother and killed her.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to fucking ruin her life.

You're the one.

It just is.

Like, you recognize a Nazi from 80 years ago.

You're like, get you.

Liam, Liam.

The whole village.

We went to a, we went to a.

You should do it.

I can't get into this.

I got to a, we went to a, I think I texted you.

I went to a liberal party one time.

Like a real liberal.

Everyone's wearing masks outside and everything.

Nice.

And I got in trouble for putting my hand in the ice

who who yelled at you dude with the mask was like don't touch it what are you doing and i was like i'm getting ice and he was like with your hand they make tongs for that and i was like nothing to do with the mask just a separate don't do that like he just and i was like i was like i'm not i'm not gonna go into someone's house look for tongs to get ice that we just slammed on the ground to break it up you're out of your mind yeah and uh

He scolded you?

That's crazy.

That's just you talk privately about a guy.

Yeah.

To confront them is nuts what are you doing and i was like i'm getting i was like i was like really confused that serial killer doesn't have to worry about that i'll follow you serial killer

because i'm really up you know what i'll make sure to bring tongs tonight and then you wake him up just going

hey do you remember me

i can't find your ice you can't get it because you're tied up but i want your ice

Joe, I'm sorry.

I ruined Sober October.

You didn't really ruin it.

We just stopped.

Everybody got busy, and then we didn't do it.

This episode hit a lot of notes.

It did hit a lot of notes.

I love you guys.

America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix.

One week, everybody.

Set your calendars or whatever.

That's right.

Set it up right now.

And you can see Ari Shafir.

Do you think I can torque your parks if I wear sunglasses?

No.

But

we could.

This was fun.

This reminded me of those.

It's just fun.

It's fun.

You're not even drinking.

It was just fun.

It was a good time.

No smoking, no drinking.

Thanks for coming, dude.

Guys, thanks for having me.

Hey, congratulations.

Congrats on the special.

Thank you, guys.

That's awesome.

We'll see you guys next week.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.