Bert Calls His Dead Grandma | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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All right.

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave.

It's your favorite podcasters.

Tom and Burke.

So,

how are you feeling today?

Is your self-esteem up?

My self-esteem is through the roof, Tommy.

Wow, that's great, man.

Why is that?

I have a joke that I've written that it happened to me.

And, you know, you're the one that kind of created the joke.

Really?

Yeah, I have two jokes about you in my new hour.

Oh, boy.

I have two jokes about you, but this one's my favorite one.

And it's so good, Tom.

It's better than anything I've ever written because the punchline is just two words.

And I don't need to say anything other than I'm so proud of this joke.

I'm so proud of this joke.

I'm excited to see it.

So only reason I fucking love stand-up, I don't love anything the way I love stand-up.

The feeling, only us,

meaning like me, you,

Louis, Stanhope, Rogan, Shane,

you know, all we, only us, real, true, pure stand-ups, know the joy in figuring something out and making it funny and then tweaking it.

to make it more funny.

It is the fucking greatest.

It's the most addictive component of doing stand-up.

It's why you can't quit.

It's because you just, there is no thrill like figuring out a joke.

It is the most fun.

It's better than a phone call from my daughter.

Can I tell you the craziest?

Can I tell you the craziest story, Tom?

Yeah.

Okay.

And I'm not going to get emotional at all, but this is a wild, wild story.

So, you know, we put Mac down, our bull mass stiff, when we we were in Hawaii.

Oh, shit.

I didn't know that, dude.

Oh, yeah.

We, uh, he had cancer.

Um, you know, he lasted through the whole time of me filming this, the series.

We get home, we take one quick trip to Hawaii, and he goes into the hospital.

And they're like, it's not going to be good.

It's not good.

He's not coming out.

I mean, there's so much to this that I'm not telling.

And that, you know, Pete, my old assistant Pete, had to go and be with Mac when they put him down and hold it on FaceTime for us in Hawaii.

Tom, it was brutal.

It was brutal.

And, I mean, and it was so crazy as as much as I told the story about putting down Priscilla, I relived that to a T, Tom.

I relived all of the anger and frustration.

And then the second Mac starts, like his breathing slowed down, I just started fucking dumping.

It was crazy.

Anyway, so we put Mac down.

Georgia,

everyone goes back to normal.

I think, I really think we need another dog because Izzy's super sad.

But I get a call from Georgia or a text from Georgia the other day.

It's actually Leanne in Georgia.

Georgia texts Leanne.

Georgia's at work.

I'm sorry, I'm fucking this up.

Georgia's at work.

She's a bartender and waitress.

She goes over to a table to wait on the table and the lady has a bull mastiff.

And Georgia gets a little emotional.

And she goes, wow, we just we have bull mastiffs.

And the lady said, really?

And she goes, yeah.

And Georgia goes, We just had to put our big guy down.

And she goes, Where did you get your bull mastiff?

And Georgia goes, Arizona.

She goes, Do you know the name of the kennel?

And Georgia goes, I don't.

She goes, Is it Desert Sky?

And Georgia goes, As a matter of fact, it is Desert Sky.

She goes, That's crazy.

She goes, Do you know the parents of

your Bullmastiff?

She goes, I don't.

So she calls up Leanne.

She goes, Mom, do you know Mac's parents?

She goes, it's Whalen and

Loretta Lynn are the two parents.

And Georgia goes over to the lady and she goes, Whaylan and Loretta Lynn.

And the lady freezes.

She goes, how old was your dog?

Georgia goes, five.

She looks down and she goes, this is Mac's sister.

It's our dog's sister.

That lady had got our dog's sister.

Now Georgia's looking at Mac's sister, same litter, same parents.

And Georgia just starts bawling.

And the lady's like, you know, I go out of town a lot.

Do you ever want to dog sit for me?

And Georgia's like, are you fucking kidding?

I'll dog sit for free.

How crazy is that?

That is crazy.

In a totally different state, in a totally different

city, that our dog's sister would go to Georgia's restaurant and sit down and Georgia would wait on that table.

Can you imagine if Georgia was dog sitting and she accidentally killed this dog,

how traumatic that would be for her?

You know,

Like she

forgot that the leash was in the car or something and went driving and just drugged that dog to death.

Wouldn't that be nuts, dude?

I told Georgie you should go kidnap that dog.

Yeah, just go steal it, dude.

That would be crazy.

That is, I'm sure that fucked her up emotionally.

I did.

And the dog looks just like Mac, but Brindle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Do you guys have dogs still?

We gave the dog that we had to my mom because my youngest is allergic, has a high allergic reaction to dogs.

And he has a let he's allergic, but he has a much lower reaction to cats.

Never had a cat.

We got this cat, and it's the fucking best cat that I've ever been around in my life because he acts like a fucking dog.

He is amazing.

This dog is amazing.

Or excuse me, this cat is fantastic.

I love it.

What did you name the cat?

They named it Munchkin.

They named it.

Yeah, they named it.

It's orange.

Dude has like just the best disposition.

He's so fucking cool.

He just lounges.

He likes to be picked up and carried.

Sits on your lap.

Like he's just, he's awesome.

I never have ever had a cat.

We have cats.

We have cats in our house.

I've never, I'm allergic to cats.

I can't be around cats.

Yeah, I have to take daily medicine for it, but yeah, I'm allergic to cats.

Do you really?

Yeah, but also, I guess this is like somewhat recent.

You know, the reason people are allergic to cats or like what gets, you know, the allergic reaction in a human being is what is in the cat's saliva.

So now you, you just feed it a certain type of food and it reduces those allergens by like 80%.

So as long as you have it eating this type of food, it's producing less allergens.

Oh, I've been letting these cats suck my dick.

That must be what it is.

That's probably what it is.

Yeah.

If they lick your dick and your balls, then you're probably going to get

itchy down there.

Hives.

I get hives.

I get it in my dick.

I can't even.

It's like we're still turpes.

You got to stop letting your cat blow you.

Yeah.

For sure.

What percentage of men do you think have cats?

What percentage?

Straight men.

Like single men?

Google it.

What percentage of straight men have cats?

Right now, a bunch of listeners are going, hold on, I have a fucking cat.

There's a lot more than you think.

No,

for sure.

What percentage of straight men have cats?

52%.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Men that are more likely to own cats than women globally.

52 to 48.

That's a broad statistic, it says.

More men adopt adult cats in the UK.

27% adopt a cat compared to 18% of women.

Yeah.

So while you're trying to call the world's cat owners gay, the statistics show that

straight men also love.

Yeah, they just, they still love cats.

Why do you get a cat?

I mean, like, like, think through it.

What do you get a cat for?

Well, one of the reasons I think that people probably is they know that cats just need less attention than a dog.

So if you're like, I want a companion, I want a pet, but I'm, you know, I can't do the daily, I can't, you know, you can leave a cat for whatever, I don't know, six months with just some

with

just some food in a litter box.

And it's just like, yeah, I'm chilling, dude.

You know, you can leave it alone.

Yeah, a couple of years.

You can just leave it.

It'll still be like what's up dude

i don't know

but it's clearly a thing where people it's lower maintenance they're less maintenance yeah i haven't seen our cat and

i haven't seen our cat our cat lives upstairs

do you never go upstairs i don't know because it's i it's an allergy haven up there so you just stay on the ground floor i stay on the ground floor leanne lives upstairs i live downstairs Oh, this is good.

Yeah.

How's that going?

It's going great.

It's really great.

Except we got a fight this morning because I dropped all the ACs.

she has to use the downstairs like i can't just get it all to myself like if i just had the upstairs it would be better because i could keep it the way i i had the upstairs for a while when in our sleep divorce i had the upstairs i had the screening room what's the sleep divorce we're in a sleep divorce we don't sleep together anymore really yeah no we're just because of your snoring yeah by snoring okay and so

snoring and throwing up in my throat while i sleep it's a lot of things

listening to podcasts.

You know, I have a specific.

Is CPAP working or no?

I don't believe in those.

So,

do you have one?

No.

Okay, exactly.

So,

okay.

Yeah.

So,

so I had the upstairs for a while, and I, dude, no girls are gone.

I got a balcony.

I slept in the screening room.

I turned on a fucking documentary.

I slept in your screening room?

I slept in my screening room.

I loved it.

I loved it.

Make it nice and cold

66

that's nice with a blanket oh blank i what i did is i got two comforters 10 pillows and i just made myself like a like a job of the hut layer like just kind of awesome just fucking

yeah and jack off whenever the fuck i wanted because i'd hear her coming upstairs yeah like being in high school yeah that's cool it was awesome did you put on porn on the in the screening room i've never watched porn in the screening room yeah i never did that either i know you'd think i would have by now I definitely think you would have.

Yeah, I would, you know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to get those goggles and watch porn that way.

The VR stuff?

Fuck.

It's the best experience I've ever had.

You've done it?

Yeah.

Well,

I said I wanted one.

I was like, oh, they seem cool.

I just wanted to watch porn on it.

And then I got it.

And I was like, oh, these games are cool.

But I was also downloading, you know, porn.

And

I could see if I had been given that 10 to 15 years prior, I'd have a different life right now.

And I don't think it'd be a productive one.

No.

I think I think, and if you gave me that at like 16, my life would be over.

It would be just be over.

I tried it for like, I don't know, a couple months.

And I was watching, I was like, this is, because you know, like the male performer in it wears the camera.

And then anywhere you look is live.

And so you feel like you're in this room.

And if there's like multiple people, you're just everywhere you look something.

And it's all for you.

It's a real mind fuck.

Wait, how do I get one today?

Easy.

What's it called?

Oculus?

Yeah.

I have an Oculus, but I got an VR headset.

Yeah, sure.

The meta one, whatever.

How much is it?

500 bucks.

Hey, can hey, send Kyle to go buy one?

I want to try porn today.

Yeah, it's really good.

By the way, I haven't touched that VR set

in about a year, maybe a year and change.

Like, I just didn't open it again.

Really?

I just feel like it's, yeah, it's too much of a distress.

Not because of the porn, just it's so good at like the games too.

The games are so fucking incredible that I realized I was in this.

I was going to be in this perpetual time suck if I was like really getting into it.

So I stopped using it.

Can I tell you how to raise your boys?

Sure.

Because

I think our future is fucked.

Like when you look, when you, now you're telling me about this,

you're saying at 16, I would have, Tom, I didn't get to watch the first piece of pornography I ever saw, I was 15.

And the first, and that was a magazine.

The first porn I ever saw, I was 18.

18?

18 was was the first porno I ever saw.

Damn, I was way ahead of you, bro.

At Scoppo Beer's house.

And it was with like 19 dudes.

I was watching Spice Channel when I was like

probably 10.

And I didn't realize that it was at my neighbor.

My neighbor's house, his dad had ordered it.

And so we like, we're in the basement.

We're watching it.

kind of jerking off without him paying attention, you know, like next to him.

And then I thought I was like, oh, that's, I thought I'd seen hard, I didn't realize that wasn't hardcore.

No, that was just, and then I went to Peru and I'm staying in my aunt and uncle's house with my cousins.

I have three male cousins and they're like, I'm 13 and then one's 13, one's 15, and one's like 17.

And the oldest one, he brings a tape in, like a VHS tape.

And he goes, oh, you're home today?

Like, you're just staying in?

Here, I got, you know, watch this.

And I was like, oh, I've seen stuff.

He goes, you've never seen shit like this.

And I was like, yeah, I have.

He goes, no, you haven't.

And I was like, okay.

And then I put it in, and it was like a four-hour, like, you know, like, just scene after scene of hardcore.

I was 13 or 14.

And I think I jerked off eight times.

I got sick.

I got like, I got a fever.

I got really sick.

I was like,

it's like, I'm hungry, but I have a fever.

And I was,

it was, it was overwhelming to my system.

If you've given me a VR headset at that time,

I probably would have committed suicide, dude.

Like,

it was overwhelming.

It definitely changed my brain mapping.

Fuck me up.

I don't recommend it for a young teen.

I just have a visual of you just holding your right hand back like, stop.

Bro, stop.

I couldn't stop.

I couldn't stop.

I really couldn't stop.

Oh, God.

I want want to say they called a doctor for me, but yeah,

it was bad.

It was bad.

Then he came back.

He's like, you like that shit?

Yeah, that was cool.

Thanks.

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I just, I'm raising a child right now, my assistant Kyle.

And so,

and I'm just helping him learn things about what my version of a man is versus what today's version of a man is.

How old is he?

32.

Okay.

So,

like, he doesn't.

So, this is the number one thing.

Number one thing is, if they drive, their phone's in their hand.

They're like this.

They don't have a sense of direction.

Like, Pete, who's lived in L.A.

now for four years, could not get to his house from our office without pulling up Google Maps.

Like,

they have no sense of direction.

I said to Kyle, I said,

we pulled out of our house and I go, how would I get to the 101 right now?

Just real quick, Kyle, what would be the best bet to get to the 101?

And he goes, I have no idea where it is.

I go, hold on.

You live here.

You've lived here for two years, three years.

Where's the 101?

And he goes, I have no idea.

I go, where's the 405?

He goes, I couldn't tell you.

And he was like, I don't even know where I am.

Now, I understand that a little bit,

like, because remember, I told you in Tallahassee, I thought east and west was north and south the whole time I lived in Tallahassee.

Because for whatever reason, I thought I knew the 10 went east-west, and I knew you got off on Tennessee Street and you took Tennessee or 60 or whatever it is all the way into the city.

And I knew the 10 was east-west.

So I assumed that the Tennessee was north-south for seven, honestly, for probably 25 years, my whole life.

And then my recent trip, I found out that the, that Tennessee goes east-west, and you catch it at a little portion of the 10 where the 10 goes north to get you north.

So

it blew me away.

But right now, I'm telling Kyle, like, you can't, you got to learn

what a direction, like, what he doesn't understand.

He was, I was like, we had to go to, do a podcast with Philip Lee and Neem the other day.

Yeah.

And we were in, like, we were in Encino, and he was like all right so we're gonna get into the mountains first and I was like mountains

he was like yeah we got to go in the mountains and then we're going through a valley I think I go we're driving through the valley and he was like I don't know is that it I was like really he just they don't everything is

life exists for them right I remember I remember that like early on this one like the first fights where I was like, what's this bitch talking about with Christina when I was

dating her and she was living in Pasadena?

And I was like, how do I get there again?

She was like, how do you not fucking know this?

I was like, bitch, you are in a part of town I don't go to.

What are you fucking talking about?

Right?

Like, I didn't know, I never went to Pasadena.

I was like, get your shit together and come to LA.

You live in Pasadena.

And I didn't know the 134 and the 210.

And I asked her like three times and she was like, how the fuck do you not know this shit?

And I was like, what?

Yeah.

What?

Wait, how well do you know?

How well do you know Austin?

Terribly.

But I have like a somewhat explicable reason, which is if you take the

four

years and change that I've lived here, I have been gone, gone from the city that I reside in

for like more than two-thirds of those days.

You know what I mean?

Like I've been on world tours and like all these other things.

So no, I don't think I have a good idea of the geography of Austin at all.

But like last week when I was home for like five days in a row, every day I would go from the house to the gym without directions and then from the gym to my office without directions.

So like there's things that you just kind of map in right to your memory because you start repeating the movements.

But one thing I'm terrible at, honestly, is the reference to the names of our highways.

Like I have LA pretty down.

You know what I mean?

Like that was a long time there.

And it is a process of like, at first, I only fucking knew.

I always thought everything was the 101.

I was like, 101, I got it.

That's the only thing I knew.

And then you add the 405 and you add the 10 and then you're in the 110 and the 605 and the 134 and the two.

But it's like you have to have like the repetition of those, you know.

those movements to like grasp it but la still feels very comfortable for me to navigate navigate.

I feel very comfortable navigating LA.

Yeah, I could, I feel very comfortable getting around LA.

As a matter of fact, I was going to Julian Edelman's house and I know where he lives.

And I was like, and we were in, we were at Rich Eisen's and so down by the 110.

And I was like, I was like, yo, I think I can get to Julian's without directions.

But Kyle's like,

don't trust it.

And he, and I was like, well, just tell me when I'm off.

So I got, I got to Julian's.

I got to Julian's.

I was two rights away from his house.

Like, I got two rights away from his house.

But then.

Yeah.

So, like, it's, I got really close.

Sure.

But, like, I can kind of figure out

L.A.

Like, if you go, where are we going?

And they go, Santa Monica.

I go, okay, take the 405 to the 10, get off on Bundy.

And then we're in Santa Monica.

We're in Santa Monica.

Like, but it's so funny, these kids, they have no frame of reference for.

I mean, it kind of makes sense, though, because like we came up, like when I moved to L.A., you bought a thomas guide but you learn the thomas guide so that you can learn from it i know it's like but if like somebody just goes whenever you're going anywhere just press this button it's like it's not going to same thing with phone numbers i used to have a hundred phone numbers memorized i didn't even think about it it's just boom how many phone numbers how many phone numbers can you count let's count how many phone numbers can you tell me right now

That are like, this is for sure this number.

This is what it is.

Like, like,

I'll tell you, I'll start.

I can tell you Leanne's number.

I can tell you my mom's mom's cell phone number.

I can tell you my home number, my dad's office number.

I can do my grandmother's phone number, but she's dead.

Try it.

What if she answers?

That'd be so cool.

If she's like, you thought I was dead?

I just hate you guys.

Oh, look at it.

It says grandma.

It says grandma.

It's just going to be like some

fucking Persian guy who got the number.

Why you called me?

That's crazy.

I remember my grandmother's phone number.

She's been dead for fuck, I don't know how long.

She don't think she's going to answer.

Should I leave her a message?

Yeah, just be like, are you seriously dead?

Hi, we're not here right now.

Yeah, dude.

You know who definitely used to have my current number?

It's definitely somebody who was either a building super or just worked for like an AC.

Like, I get messages all the time.

They're like, Ah, my air conditioning is not working and we are dying here.

Can you please call us back?

And I'm just like, No, I'm never going to call you back.

Deal with it.

Who do you think has my last number?

Okay.

Let's see who has this number.

Hey, this is Burt Kreisher.

I'm out of the country.

Well, I guess I still have it.

You still have it.

Yeah, you have it.

I still have it.

Bleep that number out, everybody.

Dude, the phone numbers that I actually remember.

Yeah, okay, so I got five.

How many do you remember?

Home number.

What was your childhood and a home number?

No one has it.

I can say it on you.

You can say it.

No one has it now.

Somebody has it now for sure.

But not yours.

Like, it's no connection to you.

Yeah, but i mean we don't want to put the phone number out there give me the phone number which one give me your childhood phone number well i had it i moved a lot so

give me a mall no no no hang on how no because i want to do you remember do you remember your cincinnati phone number

no i remember my aunt and uncles because that's what i would call all the time okay and then we i remember i don't remember my minnesota or milwaukee one i remember um florida you definitely remember yes i remember florida what's that i do have that for what is that it's It's 305.

It's so simple.

No.

What is it?

But don't call it.

We have to edit this out.

Just bleep it, but go ahead.

Okay, it was.

It's like it's a good number.

Do you know

my last phone number that I had that I had to get rid of because I leaked it online and or it got leaked online?

It spelt Bert.

It did?

Yeah.

You requested that?

Yeah.

Jesus.

No, he said he doesn't.

Do you have a personalized license plate that says Bert, Bert, Bert on it?

It says sticky dick.

Okay.

Wait, so okay.

So your home number.

Oh, hold on.

I got that one.

I have, I remember the girl that I would call all the time.

I remember her number.

And then I remember my dad's office line, which now just some other guy will answer, which will be, I'll be like, what?

He's not there.

So

there's that one.

I remember, I have my mom's cell phone memorized only because it's the same number for 25 years yeah so i have that one memorized and

bro i think that's it that's i think that's it i don't know christina's number by heart i don't know the house line i have a house line i don't have that number memorized i don't have well i have my number yeah i have my number memorized and uh

that's it dude And I used to have like, you know, I would just be able to rattle off all my friends' phone numbers.

All my friends' phone numbers.

Yeah.

I don't know any of them.

None.

None.

Oh, man.

It was so easy.

Did I remember?

I think I remember.

Yeah.

So I have my cousin Brian's memorized.

That's also been a long time.

At one point, this is how much I used to fucking hang out with Sickler.

Yeah.

When I first moved to L.A., dude, I had his cell and office number memorized.

Like he was my boyfriend.

I was like, I got to check on him.

He's at work.

That's how much I would call Ryan.

It was like, I had, I had both those memorized.

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Make friends.

God, man, that's crazy.

I don't, yeah, I remember childhood.

I remember Wecho's phone number.

I remember, uh, I remember

prank calling?

Oh,

dude.

Did I tell you about the time that I didn't really know, right?

There's a, there's There's a discovery period of like what a prank call is.

And so it's usually like around, I think, fourth, fifth grade.

And so you like, you hear about this happening and then you are like, you know, okay, I want to try this.

And so, of course, I have a friend come over and we prank call like the cutest girl.

in fifth grade.

And it's like some dumb thing.

I don't even remember what it is.

It's just like, you know,

you know, some type of like silly, stupid thing, you know, like you left your purse at the mall.

I don't know, some dumb shit that we did.

Yeah.

And just get like her kind of reaction.

And then we hang up and you're like hyperventilating, you know, you're like, oh my God, we did that.

I go to school on Monday, and her name is Andrea Sparrow.

And she just walks up and she was like, you know, you really shouldn't call people and just like hang up.

And I was like,

what?

And she's like, yeah, my mom called the phone company.

Like, and I was like, I didn't know people could do that.

And I tried, I think I was just like, we didn't do that.

She was like, yes, you did.

We checked.

Like, it was your phone number.

I was like, oh, okay.

Sorry.

Sorry.

But we did end up doing it more, like more proficiently as we got older.

The girls were in probably, Georgia was probably in fifth grade.

I was in third grade.

And I've walked into their room and they have a couple of friends over, two sisters.

And uh,

and they're, I caught them doing something.

And I go, What are you guys doing?

And George is like, Dad, shut the door.

I was like, What is it?

She's like,

We're doing prank calls.

And I was like, Really?

And they're like, Yeah,

Dad, Isla's great at them.

And we're like, Really?

It's like, Isla, do it.

So they just dial a number, and Isla gets on the phone and she goes,

Hello,

you just want a new car,

A Mercedes.

Hang on.

And then she goes, Dad, take it from you.

Ila, that's not a prank call.

You're just calling someone and telling they want a car and you just hang up.

I was like, you fucking idiots.

They thought

that's not a whole prank, the jerky boys.

That was amazing.

Yeah, of course.

That was like, you're like this.

It's the original troll.

It's amazing.

It's the original troll.

being a troll has to be so fucking fun to throw a rock into a fucking just it's like shoot a gun into a fucking crowd and go i don't care if i hit somebody just that's what that's what a troll does yeah i don't give a fuck molotov cocktail and i'll walk away from it did someone die it's like those those whores in uh in brazil that drug men and they sleep for two days and they could have died but the whore goes i don't care i don't i think he lived you know?

Yeah, it's gotta be fucking so enjoyable.

So, but that first, the first troll ever, yeah, was the jerky boys, and they were brilliant because they would, they would get sides so worked up.

I'll come down and get you down there, slippery fingers.

Like, yo, fucking come to my tire company.

People lose.

You ever see whores

targeting someone in Vegas?

Like, we, we were at

one of the bars at the resort, you know, at the hotel.

And we see these two like smoking hot chicks and they're around this guy who is like

hanging like this.

And we're like, oh, they're, they're like targeting this guy.

Yeah.

And then I watch him go to the bathroom and I follow him into the bathroom.

Like, and I see that he's completely fucking just, I mean, stand.

And he, you know, he's at the urinal and he's just a mess.

And like, like, what's up, man?

And he can't even like muster the words.

And then he gets, leaves the restroom and we watch them like you know like kind of like prop you're good you know like trying to prop him up and like let's go let's go and we're like watching them take this guy and in our minds we're like oh they're gonna you know we know that they're gonna rob him yeah and we think about like should we intervene and we're like no you know this is this is uh this is the way life goes sometimes he's gonna learn an important lesson tonight you know maybe he'll die but maybe he'll learn something so we just watched and didn't do anything.

And I'm sure he's fine.

Hey, I'm getting a call from a spam.

Should I prank him?

Sure.

Hello.

Same here.

I'm in the middle of a podcast.

Can we cut to the chase?

Yeah, were you taking any fall estimates for any projects or affairs this year?

No, but my buddy Tom Sabura is.

Can I give you his number?

Yeah.

Uh,

yeah.

What time can I call you back?

And just ask a couple of questions of what he needs, and then I'll give him a call.

Call me late night.

I'm a night owl, so call me around like 10 o'clock.

I can't call you at 10.

I'm off at 5.

Oh, what are you doing when you get off?

I got something to do.

I've got plans after.

Are you in L.A.?

Yeah.

Oh, me too.

Does your friend need like a roofing?

What does he need?

Just eat up for dinner.

Let's like, can we have have dinner?

Well, how about me and my buddy Tom Scurry?

He's out in L.A.

Let's meet up for dinner and talk about what we got going on.

Yeah, let's have dinner.

I cannot do that.

I'm just trying to schedule an appointment.

Why can't you have dinner?

Why can't you have dinner?

Why can't you have dinner?

He hung up on me.

He'll never be calling back.

Yeah, you actually, he was like, get the fuck out of here with this shit.

I'm not.

going to dinner with you.

These guys aren't ready for a commitment.

He was super defensive about having plans, too.

Yeah.

He's like, I got plans.

I'm like, fuck what are you doing?

The fuck?

What were we talking about before?

Hey, let's talk about OnlyFans.

Do we have submissions about horse?

Oh, yeah.

We're talking about whores.

Let's talk about OnlyFans.

Do we have any submissions?

Do we have any submissions for people who are going to try to blow up?

You said you want to manage them.

Well, you know, look, I don't want to, I don't need any of their money.

I just want to help blow them up, you know?

Like, I want them to, I want them, and I want them to be fun, and I don't want to whore them out, but I want them to, I want to help them create content that I think would be enjoyable for our fans.

Okay, well, here's somebody who said, hey, what's up?

We need an OnlyFans with a fat, hairy guy.

And in parentheses, he writes, me, nothing but funny videos and recreations of videos like the girls whose boob slips out in the drift car, but with me instead.

Okay, so he doesn't but he hasn't even started.

I thought we were gonna just take people who have like some presence and it's just not

okay.

Okay, here's one

says good morning Julia.

My name is Kira.

I'm 24.

I live in Oregon.

I have a OnlyFans.

I didn't get much traction on there because I don't have a huge social media following.

I made most of my money selling pics, vids, panties, socks on other platforms.

I've taken a break, but I 100% want to get back into it.

I've had a lot of fun.

I've been listening to you guys for so many years.

I actually got the idea to start initially from an old YMH episode.

Good that we're inspiring people.

I think we could do some awesome stuff together.

Keep them high and tight.

Love you guys.

Okay.

Let's see.

Images.

Wow.

I love her.

Yeah, she's.

She's like a suicide girl, right?

Yeah, she's a fucking baller.

I love her.

Keep her in the running.

What's her name?

Julie?

Keep her in the running.

I said Kira.

Kira.

Kira.

Yeah.

All right.

That's a really good one.

Kira, we're definitely.

We're definitely interested.

Let me see another shot of the front again.

I like that fucking tattoo on her leg.

Is she got under boob?

Under boob always works well on under OnlyFans.

Yes.

Yeah, this is really cool.

All right.

All right.

Very good.

We'll put a star next to that one.

Yep.

Here's somebody else, right?

Fuck Chrissy D and Stavi.

OG Bears for Life.

Now that I got that off my chest, 34 triple D, by the way.

I'd love to throw my name in the pimp hat for a chance to be in your stable of OnlyFans bitches.

I'm a MILF, a teacher,

and a lonely wife.

Yes.

All true and all-top search categories on Pornhub.

I'm not a little skinny model bitch, but I'm real and I've seen some shit.

I'm new to OnlyFans, but I have developed a small but dedicated following on Twitter saying X is retarded.

I'm a fan of all things Tom and Burt.

Would greatly appreciate your consideration.

That sounded gay.

Poor Osos all around.

April Michelle.

Oh, she has her link too.

Oh, this is

really on brand for us.

I'm into this.

Wait, wait, do we click her OnlyFans?

Yeah, there's a link right there.

April Michelle.

All right.

Lonely amateur housewife looking for fun and trying something new.

5238 DAD, real, no filters, or Photoshop.

I mean, this is right up your alley.

This This is right up my alley.

Yeah.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

This is like a real person,

all the kind of checks all the boxes I think you were looking for.

It's okay for us to subscribe to her.

Oh, you mean for the show's purposes?

Yeah, for us to, and give me a credit card and I'll put it on my phone and whatever.

Okay, okay.

All right.

Hang on.

Well, that's another good one.

What, what?

No, no, I'm saying this is another.

This is another great one.

I love she's a MILF.

I love she's a MILF.

Any more?

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Hey, hey, keep going.

Oh, yeah.

Jeez.

Okay.

Okay.

So this is Chanel.

Oh, no message.

No message.

Just

this photo.

I like the tan lines.

Yes.

That's cool.

She's got cool tan lines, and she's got,

looks like about $600.

About $600.

Oh, wow.

Here's a couple.

Nice.

Keep scrolling, guys.

Stop scrolling.

Hold on, hold on.

Huge fans here.

My husband and I just watched your latest episode about the OnlyFans submissions.

We are the perfect fit.

We literally just made an OF account last week and then didn't do anything with it because we know, we don't know what the fuck we're doing.

You guys should totally pimp us out.

We're a sexy couple

whiling to do pretty much whatever you want on camera.

Oh my God.

I thought we were going to see something else.

I thought we were going to see something else too.

i love her tattoos

those are actually super rad yeah yeah

oh that's another good option man a nice couple doing it i mean this is love this is this is i like the idea of a couple it's kind of yeah the couple is great that's great because you know what it does it takes us being uh pimps out of it right we can talk it to the group like like uh do you remember those two girls that had the vibrators in their vaginas that we hung out with that night in chicago

we hung out with or that were at the bar yeah they were you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah yes yes that's great there were a couple of patrons that were at they were like so much fun with this yeah and by the way okay it's a matter of time before

bad friends has an OnlyFans account girl right right they might be drunk has an only fans account girl sure imagine the legion of skanks OnlyFans girl yeah there's there's room for everybody man that everyone can have one Joe Rogan can have one.

Keep going.

I don't think that'll happen.

Go ahead.

There's more?

Jesus.

Okay.

Hey, Burton Tom, Burt, your idea to expand your media empire into OF creator management and promotion is a brilliant idea.

Here's my elevator pitch.

My fiancé Chelsea wants to start OF.

She's 29.

I figured we'd have a shot.

Didn't think you would want young girls.

We need help with the management and promotion.

You'll be able to fit in at the ground floor, starting her account from scratch and see what you and Two Bears OnlyFans management can really do from day one.

You can even pick her screen name, you can have control of price structure and content.

Here are some picks for you to consider her as the future Two Bears OF model.

See you guys, or love you guys, super fans.

Okay, listen, Jesus Christ.

It's

whoa,

that's got to be Photoshopped.

There's no one that pretty,

bro, bro.

I think we got our white whale.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Holy shit.

Oh, yeah.

This dude is straight up in the pimp game, dude.

It's awesome.

Yeah.

She's a, I mean, that's a great.

This is like

starting a brand.

This is somebody who's like, I'm in.

Tell me what to do.

Let's do it.

Jesus.

My God.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, she's got the look, man.

You know?

I mean, she looks like when you say OnlyFans, that's what you think it would look like.

Yeah, she looks great.

She looks great.

She's definitely

ready to get started.

How would you like to, what would your first kind of recommendation be?

We got to pick the screen name.

We got to pick screen name.

And then hold on a second.

Like, you're seeing somebody pose like, because you have to pick, like, what's the path you're going for?

Are you going for like, because there's some people that are so successful in this medium where, like, their thing is just like, I'm a beautiful woman, here's me in like provocative photos.

You know, sometimes it's a thong, sometimes laying by the, whatever, tanning by the pool.

And then there's like, you know, some nudes, right?

And then they get, they get, that's it.

Like, they just do that.

And then there's like moving into like harder core content.

Are you pitching a certain, like, do you have a path in your mind for like which way to go on this?

I think, I, I think less is more,

and fun

is our, is our mandate.

Meaning, like, like when we met those two girls with the vibrators and the vaginas,

we and we hung out with them all night in Chicago, me and you, just me and you and her, and her.

Yeah, yeah.

But what was fun for us about it was the

story, the energy, right?

Yeah.

And, and so that's the treat, that's the treat so like if we said like

um

yo we uh

like i'm trying to think my original pitch was you know hey can you recreate the nip slip video or can you downblouse strangers or like the i love the reaction video i love the yeah getting in public and and

you know i don't need to smell her socks although people can easily ask to smell her socks if they have a perversion and that's their thing they're into, then our fans can communicate with her and know that she's legit, like she's one of ours.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a great, I think the first thing you'd have to do is probably

you'd probably have to have a meeting, honestly.

A hundred percent where you go,

you know, what are your goals and how do you see yourself doing this?

Because if you're like, I want it to be fun like this, and they're like, I just want to do blow bangs, then you're, you know, you got to find common ground.

I mean, we build to like, you know, a thousand person gangbang, but like you build to that.

You don't start that.

Yeah, I don't think if that's day one, it's, yeah, there's nowhere to go.

Yeah.

For sure.

But I, I mean, those are very exciting.

Are those our force?

Should we, I say we extend it for a week, knowing that what we've got

and then we make a decision next week.

You got to pick one, right?

You're going to pick one.

One.

Yeah.

And I think that we should, we should, uh

we should extend it for a week and then we we should do conference calls with them to make sure that they're real people.

Yeah.

Okay.

Cool.

It's a good idea.

I think it's a great idea.

And I think as we build our harem, we add different flavors.

We go, all right, we're looking for an OnlyFans Irish chick.

Irish, huh?

Yeah.

That's the flavor you're looking for.

She goes, I'm having a cracking time.

Kraken, man.

I'm going to, oh, I'm going to jack off your wee winker.

You need an island girl?

An island girl?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like Barbados or like Dominican Republic, something like that.

Give me them coconuts, boy.

Yeah.

Squat that milk all over them boy what if you can totally pivot into like this is like your next really big thing well i just found out this is what jack dougherty does

he does this i think he manages only fans girls

and really gives them i think i don't really understand i don't understand the whole um i'm not i don't understand streaming entirely Like the, when you just turn on a stream.

What's your percentage going to be what are you pitching i don't know like maybe get five percent

that's very generous for our time i mean it's you know

but you're managing and we should be promoting it yeah we should maybe get 50 i don't know that's that's quite a jump

you went from five to fifty ten percent ten percent is what an agent charges right yeah that's true yeah

yeah

yeah you can figure it out you'll figure it out we should leave it up for our fans to vote who their OnlyFans girl is going to be.

That's a good idea.

We leave it up for the fans.

So we'll do a post after next week.

We'll get all our contestants on a carousel.

Okay.

And we'll post it on Instagram and say,

who would you like to promote as your OnlyFans girl?

Okay.

It's going to be a tough race, I think.

I think so, too.

I'm really excited about it.

I'm really excited for this.

And now it's like, I don't know.

I'm broken in that sense.

I was saying this to someone the other day.

I can't believe not everyone has an OnlyFans.

Like, if I had tits, I would have an OnlyFans.

Just to show your tits?

Yeah.

I'd show them all the time.

Would you do, really?

Would you do nude stuff?

Well, yeah, you would.

You're going to be.

I do nude stuff now.

I saw Leanne's stories and it was you nude in that.

I walk around naked.

Ever since girls left, I'm naked all day long.

Really?

I'm naked from the second I wake up.

I walk out to my backyard, turn on my sauna, walk in.

Naked.

Naked, make coffee naked, take my meds, make it naked.

I keep my clothes, my workout clothes in the gym.

So I walk all around naked everywhere.

Yes.

Yeah, that's me.

Yep.

She could have made a bigger heart.

Yeah, she could have.

And she was just trying.

She was taking the pictures to send to Isla because it's Isla's medication.

She was like, this is your medication.

And she took it.

And then she was like, God damn it.

And turned around.

And in her turning around to take it again, I walked walked over to the coffee maker.

So now Isla gets to see her dad's dick and balls and his asshole.

Isla gave a call immediately.

She's like, Don't share that stuff, mom.

It's gross.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Fun.

Okay, here we go.

I wrote questions for you.

Already?

Okay.

Okay.

God damn it.

I just lost him.

Okay.

Okay.

You ready?

Yeah.

First question.

Okay.

Have you ever heard an Asian person with a speech impediment?

Man, it's a good one.

I feel like my answer

is yes, but

I'm like trying to specifically think of someone.

You know what I mean?

Like, I feel like I have.

I've never heard an Asian guy with a lisp.

With a lisp.

Hmm.

Have you heard?

Yeah, I've heard every other race for sure with lisps.

I've heard, I've heard, I've seen recently an uptick in speech impediments.

Really?

Yeah, I like mostly like the boys that are Georgia and Isla's age and the boys that are, I meet them at college or whatever.

I've noticed there's more speech impediments than when I was a kid.

Do you have a speech impediment?

I still do have one.

Yeah.

I went to a speech pathologist, or is that what they're called?

Speech therapist or something.

Speech therapist.

I did go to speech therapy.

I did too.

Yeah, but why did they stop doing that?

I don't know that they stopped.

But do you notice?

Pay attention.

Do you notice speech impediments are way more prevalent?

I can't say that I've, but now that you've said it, maybe I'll pick up on it more.

But no, I can't say that I was, it was a thing that I was picking up on.

Like when I was a kid growing up, there was one kid with a lisp.

One.

And now you're like, they're everywhere.

They're everywhere.

I know.

I know.

I know.

You feel like it's like immigrants.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's crazy.

And by the way, it's someone who has and still has a speech impediment.

What's your speech impediment?

If I, when I say, like, if I, I, you can see it.

If I say the word Jillian, my tongue comes out, Jew.

Not Jew, but it does it when I do Jew too.

Yeah.

When I say the N-word, you can hear it.

It's

a lot of racial slurs.

It comes out.

I wonder if there was ever a, I wonder if there.

I still slip all the time with mine.

I wish, hang on, I wish I could say the N-word so bad right now because I have the funniest fucking joke.

I have the funniest fucking joke.

No, tell the joke.

No, no, no, no.

Because do you think

I want to do the n-word with a speech impediment and go, it would have been funny if in the 50s there was this really really hateful Klansman that he couldn't like he would say vinegar

vinegar

like like porky pit.

No, who was the one that talked like this and he just talked like this?

Is that Elmer Fudd?

Is it Elmer Fudd?

Yeah, Elmer Fudd.

Elmer Fudd saying the N-word would be hilarious.

Yeah, you should do that.

You Wasco-Y wabbit.

Do it on stage, man.

That would kill.

That will kill.

No, wait, no.

Yes.

No.

And it's not you saying it.

It's Elmer Fudd.

You have a total out.

Whose joke is it?

He doesn't even say the word vinegar because it sounds too much like it.

Is it

Dan Costa?

Dan Costa.

Great joke.

Mike Costa?

Mike Costa.

Mike Costa.

I grew up with Daniel Costa.

I grew up with Daniel Costa.

He's a writer now in New York.

Mike Costa has a great joke.

He goes, I don't even say the word vinegar.

That's too similar.

Yeah, that's a good joke.

But

if

Elmer Fudd tried to say the N-word.

Yeah.

I can't believe you're not doing that.

This should be the opener of your next hour.

Austin, yell it like Elmer Fudd.

You're good at impressions.

No, no one's doing it.

All right, let's talk gambling, bro.

So last weekend was the first NFL weekend.

And

fucking,

I don't understand

how they, week one, how do they nail the spread so perfectly in these things?

It's like so brilliant how the fuck do you do this so i yeah i lost the bangles one they won the game but they won by one so i lost that bet um even though i did i also just

for

giggles

took a

hundred on yours uh on the bucks won that one um what else did i take i took the fucking Broncos where the spread was eight and a half and they won by eight.

So I'm like, cool, lost that.

How else did I take so good?

How are they so good?

I took the Steelers.

They won by two.

The spread was three.

I also took the Commanders

and I won on that

decent amount.

So ended up down for the weekend, but I won a couple bets.

And yeah, but my fucking Bengals didn't cover.

I don't get to place my bet until next week.

And that's when I'm going to get it.

But did you take the

last weekend?

No, no, no.

I can't do it until I'm in Chicago.

Because you were on the road.

I wasn't on the road.

I couldn't do it until I was in Chicago.

So in Chicago, I will bet $1,000 in Chicago on every Bucs game until the end of the year.

Damn.

But the Bucs looked good.

They did.

Dude.

They did.

Baker Mayfield's got to fucking

shake and bake.

Yeah.

I love it.

I love it.

And that new wide receiver they have.

Yeah.

Lego Maygo or something.

Lego Maygo.

I forget.

It's Igu Egugubi.

What?

It's Egu, Agugubi.

Ego Ugugubi.

Egbuka.

Egu, Ego, Uguguba.

Ego.

And what is that?

Egbuka.

Egbuka.

Emica egbuka.

Emica egbuka.

Where's he from?

Where are his parents from?

from?

That's got to be, that sounds like an African name, right?

Tacoma, Washington.

Right, but

that's not a Tacoma name, right?

He was on the ducks.

Egbuka.

That sounds like, what is that?

Nigerian or something?

It's got to be.

Nigerian.

Christian.

Nigerian.

Dude, Nigerians are the baddest motherfuckers out there.

His grandfather was mayor of DuPont.

Oh, wow.

His grandfather was the mayor of DuPont, Washington.

Looks like it.

Oh, oh, let me guess.

You ready?

Yeah.

I'm going to guess.

And I'm going to guess Ron Frederick is his mom's dad.

Yeah, I think you're right on that guess, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you nailed it.

And she's white.

I'm guessing because Igbuka is Nigerian.

Nigerian dudes are pretty dark, and he's light-skinned.

So I bet his mom, Frederick, is white.

Click on his grandfather, his maternal grandfather.

Go back to his, what's going to call it?

Okay.

Okay.

Go to Ron Frederick.

Did he have his he had a wiki?

Go to Ron.

Go to.

Yeah, but he doesn't have one.

Oh.

Oh, you can find the.

You can Google it.

Yeah, sure.

Google.

Yeah.

There you go.

In 2020, he was.

Meet the Mayor.

It's right there.

Neet the mayor.

There he is.

Very white.

Yeah.

Like old school white, like speech impediment white.

Right.

He's the like, wait, that's who you're Dayton?

White, right?

DuPont Washington.

Egg Buka.

Egg Buka?

By the way, I'm sorry.

Mayor's like, I'm not racist.

God damn, I just look like one.

That's probably a thing, for sure.

Yeah, he's

there he is.

There's his Nigerian death.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, that's not.

Oh, he's adopted.

What?

He's got to be adopted.

No one's black in that picture.

How about the guy right next to him?

Like, with his arm around him?

No, that's one of the buccaneers.

That's his dad, bro.

Oh, that's his dad.

Oh, no, he's not adopted.

Wait, I'm so fucking confused.

That's Henry, like Buka.

It says right there.

What are you confused by?

Who are the fucking blind sides he's with over here?

I mean, that's probably,

you know.

No, hold on.

Meet the fucking family.

Click it.

Let's see it.

Okay.

Is he a blind side?

Is he a blind side?

I don't.

All right, there you go.

He's, okay, those are his.

Siblings.

Oh, that's a stepdad.

Oh, okay.

That's who that is.

Okay, so that is his mom.

Just stepdad.

Yeah, and his siblings.

Dude, how fucking badass is it to be like just a regular old white kid and your fucking stepbrother is him?

I know.

It would fill me with so much confidence.

I would fill me with so much confidence.

Yeah, I would walk into school and be like, you guys meet my brother.

And that would just boost me up so much.

You're definitely right about that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's awesome.

It'd be so cool, even today, to have a half black stepbrother.

I would take him.

If you guys want to submit emails for becoming my half-black stepbrother, I'm going to be a little bit more.

I would fucking,

what would someone get with being your stepbrother?

Take us to all your shows.

Well, yeah, but also like, let's just hang out, man.

Just want to, just, let's just hang out.

Hey, you know what we should do?

We should adopt.

We should adopt kids.

How old?

Like, like high school.

Oh.

Be like big brother, though.

Big brother from, and then, and then we'll pay for their college.

Jesus, just like that.

Like, okay, let's do chill.

Do you remember that you basically signed an NIL player at the pre-game party?

I do.

He just texted me.

I forgot.

Oh, he did?

Okay.

Yeah, we signed an NIL player.

You should probably

follow up with him, though.

He's a golfer.

He's really fucking good.

Yeah.

His name is,

but we'll get his name for you guys soon.

Yeah, yeah.

But but I mean will you reach out yes or have someone reach out Johnny Manzel just texted me he's in LA

great

what day were what day were we in uh in uh in um

what day were we in Tallahassee what date what's the date do you remember the date yeah one second it was

it was the 30th it was August 30th

that's when we were there

all right I got this kid's name.

There we go.

Nope, that's not him.

Coach Norville, that's not him.

Hold on, hold on.

I got him, Tommy.

I got him.

I got him.

That's not him.

Ooh, Jesus Christ.

What a game.

That's not him.

Nice video.

That's not him.

All right.

We're going to find out this kid's name.

We'll find him.

Just reach out to him.

Patrick McCann.

Patrick McCann.

Welcome to the Two Bears NIL.

You're a golfer.

You let us know what you need.

Patrick McCann.

And I'm going to tell you, buddy.

There he is.

Get ready for OnlyFans.

That's how we're really going to splash you in.

I don't know if that's necessarily what he is.

There are still.

There are going to be a ton of people attracted to him.

Okay.

But we're offering something different, also, Patrick.

Patrick, we're offering something different.

Patrick McCann.

And we don't have to, you don't have to be nude.

It's just like.

Although I wouldn't mind you to reshoot the uh i could re me and him are gonna recreate uh who's the kid from uh from uh high school musical zach branf nope zach zach frampf zach efron zach efron have you seen his his shirtless golf video he posted no well patrick and i are recreating it okay

look at this fucking jerk material and jack off all over this put look at zach go to his instagram i would jack off i'm not even gay, and Zach Afron golfing gets my dick hard.

Click on the video, just show the video.

It's so fucking good.

Look at this.

Look at this, Tom.

Not a bad swing either.

Oh, those he doesn't read with those.

Those are for fucking looks.

Look at these arms, these chests.

Oh, look at great swings, but the glasses.

This is going to be me and Patrick McCann.

Shot for shot, except we're going to sink the putt.

Nice.

Nice.

He's fucking yoked.

Tan.

Bert's jerking off to it.

It's awesome.

Zach Efron.

Let us ever know if you want us to be a guest bear.

We'll fly to you.

Okay.

All right.

Cool.

I love you.

I love you too.

This was fun.

It was a great episode.

Thank you.

And there's so much.

I loved what you, the thing, they don't know what has happened yet, but I love that you're doing it.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to go watch porn.

Okay.

Have fun with that.

All right.

I love you.

Keep listening to

I ain't mad.

Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.