35. Stress Is Cleansing. How I Quit

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Granger for the ones who get it done.

Speaker 3 Hi, friends. Surprise.
I'm home.

Speaker 3 I'm sick, too. That's why I didn't post last week.
My bad. Sorry and all.
I was under the wedding.

Speaker 3 Oh, God. The wheeze sounds so bad.

Speaker 3 You're just going to have to hang with me this week. The wheeze is going to be what it's going to be.
Welcome her. Invite her to hang out with us.
Okay. No, it ain't the cigarettes.

Speaker 3 I caught like a lung infection thing. I'll get into it because it's a very spiritual thing behind it.
But I want to talk about what's happened the past two weeks.

Speaker 3 Because I left you off when I went to Miami. It did not go how I thought it was going to go, but I had a full-fledged like spiritual awakening.
I was awoke. It was like the doctor said clear.

Speaker 3 And I jolted my shit spiritually. So where do we begin? I want to talk about feeling stressed, how to not feel stressed, because that's something I've kind of conquered recently.

Speaker 3 recently and i'm not saying you don't feel angry pissed off irritated upset emotional whatever not stressing out about things he's had to do it i had a conversation with my dad the other day he's over here i'm so stressed out i'm so stressed out i have to go to work tomorrow i'm so stressed about it My dad works on cars for a living.

Speaker 3 He has his own repair shop, mechanic shop, car dealership, whatever you want to call it. He fixes cars for a living.
and he is insanely good at it. Like the best in the United States.

Speaker 3 There are cars that get taken to his shop from different states, get transported because he can look at a car and know what's wrong with it by looking at it or test driving it.

Speaker 3 He knows what's wrong with it and he knows how to fix it. He's worked on cars his whole life since he's 12.
He knows cars better than anybody.

Speaker 3 And every day I've heard my whole life, I'm so stressed out to go to work. I'm so stressed out.
And I was sitting there with him and I was like, I'm tired of hearing this shit from you.

Speaker 3 I'm so stressed out. What are you stressed out about? Genuinely, because we were talking about spending money and he's like, I'd love to go buy a Versace shirt like you do.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, I'll buy you one. Do you want one?

Speaker 3 He does well for himself, but he's over here so stressed out about money and spending money. And I was like, Dad, why are you acting like you make money in a hard way?

Speaker 3 you over here i'm so stressed out i'm so stressed out you know everything there is to know about cars when you walk into work tomorrow oh what's the big deal somebody's gonna bring a car in that needs work or needs to be fixed why are you so running yourself stupid worried stressing like you aren't gonna be able to fix it easily You got the skills.

Speaker 3 You know what you're doing. Why are you over here? I'm so stressed.
I'm so stressed. For what?

Speaker 3 You make money pretty easily. It's not like you're me and you're telling me to go fix a car.
I don't know shit. I could change your oil.
I could change your tires. I could give you some wiper fluid.

Speaker 3 I could fill up your windshield wiper fluid. Yeah, that's about all I know.
I could drive you wherever you need to go. But when it comes to fixing cars, I don't know shit from shit.

Speaker 3 He's over here and knows everything. I was like, why are you acting like you're me going to fix a car? What's the big deal? Tomorrow, somebody's going to bring in a car.

Speaker 3 You're going to know what's wrong with it within five, 10 minutes. And then you're going to fix it yourself or you're going to delegate it to an employee to fix it.

Speaker 3 Whoa,

Speaker 3 why are you so stressed out? I literally was making fun of him. I was like, what is this? I'm so stressed out shit.

Speaker 3 You're going to know what's wrong with the car. You're going to fix it.
That's not a question. So why are you running yourself stupid?

Speaker 3 And it like knocks something loose in his brain where he's like, you know what?

Speaker 3 You right.

Speaker 3 And he said he went to work the next day and he laughed all day and had so much fun. He's like, it was weird that you just said that because I'm not stressed out.

Speaker 3 Like I was making myself stressed for no reason. If there's something that can't be done, okay.
If there's something that can be done and I know how to fix it, okay, I'm going to fix it.

Speaker 3 It's not a question. I know what's going to happen.
And that mindset.

Speaker 3 is what set me free from so much stress recently because my podcast used to stress me out boots until I start making fun of myself about it. I'm I'm like, what are you so stressed about?

Speaker 3 You got to go get in front of the camera and talk for an hour.

Speaker 3 What the fuck you stressed out for? You got to go make a TikTok. You got to go have fun and live your life and make TikToks and post about it.
You got to go make a clothing line.

Speaker 3 I'm in the works in that. But it's fun for me.
I know what I like. I know what I don't like.
I know everything I'm doing with the clothing. What I'm stressing out for.

Speaker 3 Oh, it's not going to be the perfect timeline. Okay, so be it.
If I'm not willing to bend on quality, I want everything up to my standards perfectly. Really, I'm making everything that I want.

Speaker 3 That's why I'm being so picky about it. But I know exactly what I want and what I don't want.
And when it's perfect, I'll know. When I'm ready to drop it, I'll drop it.

Speaker 3 I don't know what it is about stress, but like I'm not stressed no more. Because like, what is the big deal? And I used to get into the mindset like my dad of like, I'm so stressed out.
Okay, name it.

Speaker 3 What are you so stressed out about? Like him with the cars. Oh,

Speaker 3 you're going to figure out what's wrong with it in 10 minutes and then you're going to go fix it. Why is that stressful? Oh, somebody's calling you.
You got to go do payroll.

Speaker 3 People are ringing off the line trying to ask you questions because they're calling the business. Okay, you know what to say.
You know all the answers. What's the stress about?

Speaker 3 So I hope that makes you realize about yourself. Like, ways you've been stressing yourself out for no goddamn reason.
Like, I know how to talk. I know how to make a podcast.
What's the stress for?

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Have fun.

Speaker 3 It sounds so stupid. But that really is how I've, like, not been stressed out for nothing.
I kind of jumped ahead in like the whole story of what's been going on with me.

Speaker 3 So, I said I was hanging out with my dad and I was talking to him and we had this whole conversation. Because when I was in Miami, I ended up...
like halfway through my trip, not halfway through.

Speaker 3 I didn't know when I was going to leave. After a week of being there, I booked a flight to go check on my dad.
He had some stuff going on. I had to go make sure he was all right.

Speaker 3 So I left and went to Pensacola. And now I'm back home.
But the whole Miami trip, remember where I left this off? I was like, my soul has this weird little itch. It wants to go to Miami.

Speaker 3 And I thought it was going to be this life-changing.

Speaker 3 Well, it was, but I thought it was going to be like nothing but positive. Like my manifestations, some shit was going to happen.
And it was going to be like cool boots, right?

Speaker 3 I thought I was going because things were going to line up. The awakening I had, we got to go through it because I used cocaine again.

Speaker 3 And we're going to get there. But I don't really look at it like a relapse, but my whole relationship with it is now like it went bull circle.
But we're going to get there. Okay.

Speaker 3 I'm so excited to tell you everything. So I get to Miami.
I go out that night with some friends. Last minute I get a ticket to Ultra.
I go hang out with my friends. We go to boats.
We go on yachts.

Speaker 3 We go to all the clubs. We're out till like 10.30 in the morning.
Nuts. Crazy.
How you think people stay up that fucking late? You know?

Speaker 3 Like, be realistic. But

Speaker 3 the whole thing with me choosing to try cocaine again was

Speaker 3 for the past two months, I haven't touched it. Before this, I had a bad relationship with it.

Speaker 3 And I'm a little hesitant to talk about it online because a lot of people, when I'm vulnerable and honest, they like to talk shit and like attack me. So if you're one of those people, fuck you, die.

Speaker 3 Okay. I'm going to hit you right out the get-go.
But I'm sure this will help somebody. So let's talk about it.

Speaker 3 To be fully transparent, for the last year of my life, before the last two months, like I did two months clean recently, but before that,

Speaker 3 an entire year,

Speaker 3 I used Coke

Speaker 3 to function and to survive. I'm not glorifying it.
I'm not nothing. I'm just being honest about it.
I have a very different relationship than most people people to substances.

Speaker 3 It's the only reason I'm still alive. What I was going through and having to continue functioning, what I was going through, feeling and dealing with was past my ability to cope with it.

Speaker 3 My natural coping mechanisms, my nervous system was shot. I wasn't able to regulate myself and function.
And I was in a really, really bad depression.

Speaker 3 And the substance didn't even.

Speaker 3 do anything. It didn't make me high.
I never did it to like party and have fun and get high because I stopped drinking for the year. I

Speaker 3 did it to function. Like I said, like I'd wake up in the morning, go brush my teeth.
And I had a little vial in my bathroom and I would do a bump before I went downstairs to go make my coffee.

Speaker 3 Like I needed something to get me up. And the only thing that got me up to brush my teeth and get out the bed was like, okay, I'm going to get a little bit of help.
I'm going to be able to do a bump.

Speaker 3 I'm not raw dogging life right now. Like I felt like nothing was helping me.
Everything was against me. And I felt like it was self-abuse to wake up in a weird way.

Speaker 3 It felt like abuse to go through my life as it was, being the only motherfucker taking care of me, looking after me, and helping me. It felt like everything was against me.

Speaker 3 My relationship with God and the universe was tested many times, and I felt like it was fully against me. And I was using, it got to a point where it was around like

Speaker 3 a gram to two grams a day.

Speaker 3 And it started in the beginning at like

Speaker 3 one eight ball would last me a month. That's how little I was doing.
It was just like tiny little bumps throughout the day to like keep me going.

Speaker 3 And then it got to a point where it was like a gram a day, sometimes two grams a day, and never got that crazy.

Speaker 3 And I still had a weird like relationship with it where I knew, okay, I'm going to go to bed in a few hours. I'm going to stop like two, three hours before I go to sleep.

Speaker 3 So I still had some kind of grip on it, which was weird, but I had a very deep relationship with it. It felt like my best friend.
I had it with me. It was something always there.

Speaker 3 And it was such a comfort for me. And

Speaker 3 I didn't feel like I could control what was happening in my life. And I couldn't control the anxiety that I felt.
So if I did a bump, I had something to blame it on. Oh, I'm anxious.

Speaker 3 I'm more anxious about this situation because I did a bump. Duh.

Speaker 3 I was able to like

Speaker 3 get a sense of control over the anxiety I felt. Same thing with like the bad moments and the down moments.
I got so emotional or I would get so down and so hopeless that I would do it.

Speaker 3 I'm like, at least I got something to pick me up just a little bit. So I'm not fully at the bottom of what I'm feeling.
And it was like, I have something to try and like help me up.

Speaker 3 And it never worked. It never made me feel better.
And the come downs are a whole other fucking part but i never gave myself a chance to have come down

Speaker 3 my nervous system was like totally off the walls and

Speaker 3 the same thing went for the happy moments in my life anytime i felt a little bit happy about something

Speaker 3 i would take full advantage of the moment i felt so powerless to my happiness i didn't have any way where I trusted I could make myself be happy.

Speaker 3 So anytime I felt a little bit of happy or a little bit of excitement, I would do a bump because I'm like, this moment isn't going to last. I don't know when the next one is going to come.

Speaker 3 So I want to feel it to the fullest extent. And I would do a bump when I was happy to take it there and feel the elation.

Speaker 3 It was literally like my little best friend. I don't know how to explain that.
Like when you're that lonely, you can have a weird fucking relationship to a substance. And I was surrounded by people.

Speaker 3 I've been around people. That was my relationship with it when it was kind of like at its worst.
I can go way more into detail in a later episode, but I kind of want to just like stop there.

Speaker 3 I don't want to keep talking about it and like going into it, but I had it on me at all times.

Speaker 3 Every single moment of the day. It's like a vape.
How people are so attached to the fucking vape. I always had a little vial with me.
I had at least a gram and a half with me at all times.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, I can't believe I'm admitting this online.

Speaker 3 It's all gone now. I flushed it all, but that's the truth of what the fuck it was and what my life was for a while.

Speaker 3 I couldn't keep up with the grief and the pain and the heartbreak and like the betrayal I felt from God. I couldn't keep up with it.
And I had to just like keep functioning somehow.

Speaker 3 Cause like I have an ego like a motherfucker. I'm not gonna like unalign myself

Speaker 3 without it being worth it. And you get what I mean with that.

Speaker 3 I'm the only person who could could talk about this dark shit and still get goo.

Speaker 3 But that was my relationship to Coke. It was like my lifeline.
It was just to function. I wasn't doing it to be happy.
So I did two months without it. Because Coke is a numbing agent.

Speaker 3 And I felt like the voice inside of me, like literally paying attention to my soul. Anything I truly felt, I felt like it was resisting like what I actually wanted.

Speaker 3 I felt like the voice inside of me, my intuition, my soul, my life force, I felt like it was leading me toward a path that was destroying everything.

Speaker 3 And I was trying to get off that path and like control things and have it go my way, how I thought it was best. And I had to silence it.
It never shut up.

Speaker 3 But I did get an excuse anytime I had a weird feeling or thought or doubt. Oh, I can't trust what I think might be the voice because I am using a substance.
So I don't know.

Speaker 3 I got a weird cop out with like not listening to my soul. And you can watch in the past year of my podcast episodes, like how skinny and like disheveled I was.
I was fucking dying.

Speaker 3 I was genuinely dying and bumping my way just to continue. So I'm not embarrassed for what I've been through.
I'm not embarrassed for the journey. You can fucking see it.

Speaker 3 And this is the stuff that people need to be talking about. Less of this, get ready with me.
What are you eating today? Nobody gives a fuck. Okay.

Speaker 3 I want to try and help you through your actual problem. So I'm I'm talking about it.
It's uncomfortable to talk about it, but it wants to come out. So I'm going to let it.
I'm not going to eat it.

Speaker 3 But the thing with silencing the voice, it was also like my way of censoring myself. So I couldn't hear myself because the fire of my soul, who I am as a person is very fucking polarizing.

Speaker 3 And I disrupt a lot of things just by being who I am and how I am. And I felt so bad because I was hurting.
It seemed like I was hurting so many people.

Speaker 3 And being myself was the issue until i had that whole realization i posted the podcast episode about it storms don't ask permission to hit and fires don't ask permission to burn that's what i got to with my soul my soul is what it is my personality is what it is this life force that i feel inside myself being who i am being authentic I don't need permission to do it.

Speaker 3 And trying to resist it almost killed me. I have no option but to go forward with it and honor it and let this this fire fucking burn.
I don't ask for permission to be who I am. I'm never gonna.

Speaker 3 And anything that silences me is like, I hate it. And that kind of goes with the cocaine.
I was silencing myself. I was trying to like

Speaker 3 bring myself down and like mute myself and feel comfortable about it.

Speaker 3 If you saw me on tour, I talk about dimming your light. I was trying to dim it because I was burning too many fucking people people with it.
It felt like it was just destroying my life to be myself.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 through resisting all of it and trying to suppress it, I almost died multiple times. And there's a few nights that I've written notes where it's like I thought I was gonna go.

Speaker 3 Like my heart was beating too fast. I did a little too much.
And I thought I was gonna die. And I've had to come to terms with that multiple times.
And no, it didn't make me stop.

Speaker 3 You can't talk to somebody

Speaker 3 when they're in that cycle. So I want to talk about it.
And if you're dealing with this too, I know where you're at. I know what you're feeling.
I know what you're trying not to feel.

Speaker 3 But I got to a point where the substance wasn't helping me at all anymore. I still, every time I opened my eyes, I wanted to die.
I didn't want to be here.

Speaker 3 Even the more I used it, it lost like all of its effect. And I was like,

Speaker 3 uh-oh.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I had like a whole like come apart. I decided I'm no longer going to live my life out of obligation and I'm going to let the fire fucking burn.

Speaker 3 And the only reason and the only way I've been able to allow myself to be myself and let this fire of my soul burn is I tried

Speaker 3 everything

Speaker 3 to kill it and to put it out. I tried everything.

Speaker 3 To cater to other people and be what people wanted. And I've been through this before, but not to this extent.
And I tried it.

Speaker 3 I exhausted every single option and got to a point of absolute hopelessness where I was just like, something's got to give. I'm going to have to die or my life's going to have to change.

Speaker 3 There's no way out. That's my options.
And I wasn't comfortable just like letting it go like that. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 I wanted to at least try. Like, let's see what happens if

Speaker 3 I give up the entire way I've been living.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to live my life in a way where I have to use a substance to force through and continue. I'm done coping with my life.

Speaker 3 If I don't want to do something, I ain't forcing myself to fucking do it. If somebody don't like me, I'm not bending myself to be what they want me to be or to be digestible.
Choke.

Speaker 3 I mean that with every fiber of my being and every hair on my ass, choke. And like that defensive and protectiveness I have of myself.
Yeah, nobody's touching the fire.

Speaker 3 I will let it burn you very happily.

Speaker 3 Because the only way I was able to let go of the substance is letting go of my life as I knew it.

Speaker 3 And I swore off obligation. I've been posting episodes and you've seen me talk about it and go through it.
If you want to watch, go ahead, go back, look through the episodes.

Speaker 3 But I swore off obligation, not doing it no more. And all of a sudden, I stopped feeling so drained by everything.

Speaker 3 And I let myself just sit with myself and listen to that little voice. It's like, as I stopped numbing it, I started being like, okay, it doesn't make sense what you want to do, little soul.

Speaker 3 So I'm just going to listen and do it, I guess. And I didn't have any like hesitation, doubt, or nothing.
I was like, if everything goes to shit, so be it.

Speaker 3 I was like, let's listen to this little soul I got. Let's see what this little bastard really wants to do because he's jerking me around and he's trying to kill me.
So what does he want to do?

Speaker 3 What does the authentic me want to do? What does my soul want to do? What's he want to get up to? And I started asking that and listening to that. And that is when my life has entirely changed.

Speaker 3 Like where I'm talking about, I got 300 million views in a month on TikTok and my podcast is blowing up on back chart or number three.

Speaker 3 Like everything's happening again because I'm not forcing podcasts. I'm not forcing talking shit that I don't want to talk about.
I'm not forcing anything.

Speaker 3 If my soul don't want to do it, I'm not doing it. And I'll pay the price.
I'll, whatever the cost is, whatever the consequence is, I'll take it.

Speaker 3 Because the consequence of forcing through it is killing myself.

Speaker 3 So this is is how i've been living this was been seeing that's the only way i've been able to get rid of this drug and i was grateful for it i kind of thanked it and i quit the substance and i've been going through my life for the past two months things have been great things have been lining up insane my voice that i've been shutting off and breaking my own heart to not hear It's been the nicest form of connection.

Speaker 3 My relationships with everybody are way different. People I've had to cut off, have made their fucking way out, or I've cut them myself.
And everything in my life is aligning.

Speaker 3 Everything's going great. It's the weirdest thing.
And I was like, I want to revisit cocaine and do it from a whole different standpoint.

Speaker 3 Like I've been so in touch with my energy and my intuition and everything. I'm like, let's heighten it.
Like. Let's see what happens.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to force myself to do it, but when I go to Miami, if I want to do it, I'll do it. And when I got to Miami, I was enjoying enjoying everything, having a good time.

Speaker 3 And I was like, let's try it. I want to rewrite this whole narrative of this drug and the grip it had on me.
I want to do it and not go back to it and be dependent on it. I don't need it anymore.

Speaker 3 I don't need this thing. I want to choose it because I want to try it.
I want to see what's tea.

Speaker 3 And I did it in Miami. Had a blast.

Speaker 3 Genuinely. Had a good time.

Speaker 3 The night, well, the morning when we got done partying, when I went back to my hotel,

Speaker 3 the come down I had was not because of the emotional anything. My ability to emotionally regulate and understand what's going on with my body is totally different now.

Speaker 3 The come down emotionally was not the problem.

Speaker 3 It was my voice shut off.

Speaker 3 I'm getting chills talking about this shit. And I started to panic.
I couldn't hear my soul and I couldn't feel it. And I was so exhausted from being out.

Speaker 3 And I was like, you know, when you get to that point where it's like, it don't matter what else I shove up my nose, I'm going to sleep. You hit a wall of like exhaustion.
Yeah. I hit that.

Speaker 3 So I'm like, you know what? I'm not obligated to stay. I'm not forcing myself to stay.
I'm going to go ahead and leave. Everybody's sorry.
Love you so bad. Had a great time.

Speaker 3 But at 10:30 in the morning, I wanted to fucking go home. We got to club space at like 9 a.m.
So

Speaker 3 I get to my hotel, the Uber ride to my hotel. I was panicking.
I was freaking out because I couldn't hear my soul anymore. I couldn't feel it.
And I I was like, okay, maybe I just need to sleep.

Speaker 3 I got back to my hotel and knocked out. When I woke up,

Speaker 3 silence.

Speaker 3 I couldn't hear my soul. I couldn't feel it.
And I started to freak out. I was like, what have I done?

Speaker 3 Huh? Like, I literally had a fucking like come apart about this. And I was like, oh my God, what do I do? Like,

Speaker 3 how do i function and i only slept like four hours so i was like maybe i'm just tired so

Speaker 3 maybe when i go to sleep tonight and sleep a full eight hours maybe then i'll feel a little different so i woke up and i was like i need to go get food and hydrate i didn't eat all night i was just drinking like an idiot so i'm like I need, I'm so delirious.

Speaker 3 I'm on four hours of sleep. I'm going to do a bump and go get food.
I fell back into that pattern of like, ah, you're about to use it to function.

Speaker 3 And then I was like, no, I'm not using it to function. I'm using it because I would like to go get food.

Speaker 3 Like, conned myself mentally. So I do a bump and I go get food.

Speaker 3 I'm miserable. Dying.
Vicha. Fucking not having a good time.
I'm so sleep deprived. I'm chugging water.
People irritating the fuck out of me.

Speaker 3 Anyone I come into contact with, if I had a car, I'd have run them over. Like everybody was just irritating me.
And I was like, okay, this is just a bad time, whatever. I'm trying to talk to myself.

Speaker 3 I had fun last night. It was a good time.
Whatever. Still panicky because I can't feel my soul.
I'm like, you know what? It's because I'm tired. I go to sleep that night.
I wake up.

Speaker 3 After I slept like 10 hours, I was like, okay.

Speaker 3 I wake up,

Speaker 3 nothing.

Speaker 3 I don't feel my intuition. I don't feel my soul.
I don't feel my little happiness that I've been feeling.

Speaker 3 Nothing was really lining up. And I was like, what have I done?

Speaker 3 Did I just scare off myself or something?

Speaker 3 I got so delusional and like the come down was hitting. And all that day I was like hydrating.
I was trying to like keep it together and kind of like get myself through it.

Speaker 3 But I was waiting on my little soul to come back and I couldn't feel it and I couldn't hear it. And it broke my fucking heart.
And after two more days of this, I'm just in my hot tub.

Speaker 3 I haven't even stepped foot on the beach. There was like some security issues at the hotel I was at.
I didn't want to be there. I got to Miami on a Sunday, right? Yeah, Sunday.

Speaker 3 And then I ended up, it was Thursday. Thursday night, it was when the awakening happened.
I stopped using cocaine and I was just trying to like be there with my body and like

Speaker 3 understand and try to get my soul to kick back on. I couldn't, I couldn't do anything.
And I felt so powerless. And I started to freak out.
And I genuinely like.

Speaker 3 lost it. Like full mental, like just emotional release and just started bawling my eyes out.
Cause I'm like, what happened? Where did it go? What do I do? Like, my life just got as good as it did.

Speaker 3 And I used this thing again, trying to rewrite it. And now I'm back feeling worse than I did before I quit it.
And I was like, oh my God, what have I done?

Speaker 3 And I went and I stood in the mirror and looked at myself. And I was like,

Speaker 3 what the fuck?

Speaker 3 And I literally just got in the bed and cried, balled my eyes out. And in the middle of crying, the weirdest thing happened.
And when I say awakening, it was a very, very weird, strange thing.

Speaker 3 I'm going to try my best to describe it. It was like full force.

Speaker 3 Everything I was feeling, it's like I decided I'm not going to run from it. When I went and laid in the bed, I was like,

Speaker 3 this is just going to be what it is. I feel how I feel.

Speaker 3 Let's go lay in it and just cry because I don't know what the fuck else to do. I don't know how else to talk to myself.

Speaker 3 I fully just like laid there and let all the feelings hit me, bald like a bitch, a baby back puto. I was just laying there, boohooing.

Speaker 3 And I fully surrendered to it.

Speaker 3 And it was like,

Speaker 3 after a few minutes, it shut off.

Speaker 3 Like everything I was feeling dead stop. It's like somebody cut the cord of a TV that was playing a movie.

Speaker 3 It just turned off.

Speaker 3 And I sat up and was like, What the hell?

Speaker 3 And I was like, fearful. I was very scared.
I was like, What the hell was that?

Speaker 3 And I just sat there, like wide-eyed, like a deer in headlights, just like looking off into the room. And I was like,

Speaker 3 What the hell? Genuinely.

Speaker 3 And then I got up and I looked at myself in the mirror. And I was like,

Speaker 3 Why do I see everything

Speaker 3 about myself split?

Speaker 3 It's like I was, my body, my human body was like sitting there in dead shock. And I looked at myself in the mirror and then I just went and sat back in the bed and I could see

Speaker 3 my nervous system as a separate thing. I could see my physical body and I could see my emotions.
And then I could see my soul in the middle of it like a triangle. And I saw it all.

Speaker 3 And just like sitting there, just like dead stare i felt nothing when i saw it all like in front of me and then i just closed my eyes and like laid back

Speaker 3 and i don't know how to describe it but it's like i felt back into my body and

Speaker 3 i knew everything going on with it my soul felt very solid but i could like see my emotions and i knew what they were i knew what my body was feeling and what was going on And my fucking nervous system like woke up.

Speaker 3 And I can see my nervous system for what it is. And it's like now when I feel things,

Speaker 3 I understand what the emotion is and why it is that emotion, why I'm feeling it, but I also understand my nervous system.

Speaker 3 And when I'm having like a physiological response, or I feel things, I know when it's my nervous system clearing out or releasing something, and I know when it's an emotion.

Speaker 3 This is insane to talk about,

Speaker 3 but I'm just saying what it is. Like,

Speaker 3 I have like a weird connectedness back to

Speaker 3 myself

Speaker 3 I've never felt in this entire life. It was very spiritual, very weird.
And my whole relationship to how I see manifestation has changed. It is not you are

Speaker 3 being given things and granted things by God or the universe. It's following the path of your soul.

Speaker 3 And like, I'll do a separate episode about that once I have more clarity around it because this is just fucking nuts to me. Okay.

Speaker 3 But one key thing I want to point out was before this happened, it was like, while I was crying in the bed, I literally just kept saying out loud, I want to go the fuck home. I want to go home.

Speaker 3 And it was fully to escape how I was feeling. I was trying to logically latch on to anything.
I was so like heartbroken of like the whole trip to Miami.

Speaker 3 I was like, this was a waste of money, a waste of time. Listening to my soul was the exact wrong fucking move.
Maybe this last two months was a coincidence. Maybe it wasn't real.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 Maybe this is psychosis. It wasn't.
I knew what was going on, but I was trying to logic and convince myself out of paying attention to myself.

Speaker 3 Funny how your brain will do that. But I was fully like, I want to go home.
I want to leave Miami. But like the voice would chime in and say, not yet.

Speaker 3 I felt trapped in hell because I'm trying to listen to this voice. I'm trying to, not the voice.
I sound schizophrenic. I'm trying to listen to to my intuition and my soul.

Speaker 3 And like, you know, like the true desire that you have? Like the emotional me, my nervous system was freaking out. Emotional me was like, I want to go home.

Speaker 3 The grounded part of me would like peek in and be like, nope, that's avoidance. That's escape.
You're not escaping. And I felt like trapped because I wanted to book a flight immediately and leave.

Speaker 3 It was like 10 p.m. And I was like, I'll find something.

Speaker 3 But all that's going through my head. This was a waste.
This was stupid. This was wrong.
And then I felt like the only time I heard that fucking voice or felt that intuition was like, nope, not yet.

Speaker 3 And then that's when I just like laid there and was like, I can't leave. My soul is trapping me here.
So I just wept and let it out.

Speaker 3 And after the cutoff emotionally, and I was like wide-eyed looking out in the room, and I saw my nervous system and my emotions and like everything about myself, like outside of me.

Speaker 3 And then I could feel it in me. And it was like, right after that, I understood what was happening.
And it was a full shedding through my nervous nervous system of my entire life as I knew it before.

Speaker 3 Cocaine lost its grip on me, and my nervous system was like regulating it. And I saw it as like an emotional and spiritual, like clean out.

Speaker 3 Like my body was purging everything that I was letting go of. And like the new timeline I'm in was like locked in.

Speaker 3 And my body was processing and getting rid of all the emotions, all the thoughts, all the fears. It was like everything was being shed.

Speaker 3 And my nervous system was regulating regulating it and like cleansing it out. I feel like a cleanse.

Speaker 3 And I had peace knowing what was going on.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 after a few hours, literally just sitting there wide-eyed, paying attention to what was happening and knowing what was happening with everything in my body and my feelings, my emotions, everything.

Speaker 3 I just like followed that little soul pull.

Speaker 3 And I had a whole like ritual thing where

Speaker 3 I took the cocaine that I had

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 I flushed it down the toilet.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 again, it was a full-fledged like emotional release. I wasn't crying.
It was my body like getting rid of all the energy, like

Speaker 3 everything to do with it. It was like a cleanse of it and like a release fully.
And I flushed it down the toilet.

Speaker 3 I got in the bed. And I felt at peace because before all of this, before I went to Miami, leaving the cocaine behind and like going into following my soul and all that, I still had urges to do it.

Speaker 3 I had to like make a mental like, okay, no, we're not going to do it. I know we feel excited.
I know we're feeling good and we're looking for control. Using cocaine was me looking for control.

Speaker 3 And I was. having good periods of my life and I was excited.
I'm like, I'm not in a bad place anymore. Let me try it.
Let me do it.

Speaker 3 Every day I was like reminding myself and like having to check the urges not to do it. I'm like, nope, you're safe to be in your life right now.
You're safe to be in your body.

Speaker 3 You're safe to experience how life is going. I was prepared for everything to collapse and go to shit.

Speaker 3 But the whole urge thing of like having cocaine, like knowing I had it at my house, was like a comfort thing. Like, if it all goes to shit, I'm not alone.
I got something.

Speaker 3 And I had the urges to do it. After this whole thing, when I flushed it down the toilet,

Speaker 3 I have zero urge to use it at all. And it's because I fully surrendered to

Speaker 3 everything

Speaker 3 in myself and of myself and like fully trusting this soul pull that I have. And when I flushed that shit down my toilet, it was like a moment where like I don't need that safety anymore.

Speaker 3 I don't need the backup plan. I don't need the

Speaker 3 in case it all goes wrong comfort for myself. And now I have zero urge.
to use it. So from that moment, I was like,

Speaker 3 this must be what the trip was for.

Speaker 3 My little soul was taking me on this adventure.

Speaker 3 And I was laying in the bed and I was like,

Speaker 3 do I still want to go home?

Speaker 3 And it was not like an emotional thing. Like I was fully like level-headed and stable.
And I was like, I feel like the trip is complete, but I don't feel like leaving tonight.

Speaker 3 Maybe I'll leave tomorrow. I'll see.
I don't know, but I don't feel this insane itch to leave, like a panic leave, but I also don't feel like there's anything left.

Speaker 3 Like I feel like the trip completed itself. And if this trip, all I was meant to learn and like let go of and gain was

Speaker 3 the freedom to surrender to my soul and trust myself on a level with no fallback plan and never have an urge for cocaine again and like fully see myself and like connect to my body and see the different systems in it and how all this shit works as a human and a spirit and everything.

Speaker 3 If that's what it was for, I'm at peace with it. Like, this makes sense.
This is what it was for. No money is worth gaining what I got from that.

Speaker 3 Nothing I could have buy, it was worth it.

Speaker 3 And right before all this happened,

Speaker 3 I was looking up different hotels and I was like, let me go buy some bougie hotel, like $1,000, $2,000 a night. Let me go stay for like two nights because I don't want to leave off the trip like this.

Speaker 3 I was trying to control how the trip ended. And I was like, I know I feel bad.
I know I feel all these things, but I don't want the trip to end like this. Me trying to control how it ended.

Speaker 3 And something in me, every time I got to like, to check out, to book my next hotel, it was like, no, don't do it.

Speaker 3 And I'm telling you, eight different times, eight different hotels I was going to book, but my soul was just like, no, when I got to do it. And it all led me to that point.

Speaker 3 And I was trying to control the ending of the trip. And when I surrendered to it and just let it be what it was, that was the best ending I could have ever had to the trip.

Speaker 3 And I'm so appreciative and like glad that I stayed. I still had the Airbnb booked till that Monday.
And it was Thursday night. And I woke up on Friday.
I slept for like 12 hours.

Speaker 3 When I woke up, my soul was back. Like I felt it.
I woke up and smiled. And I put on the best by Tina Turner.
I love that fucking tongue.

Speaker 3 But like everything kind of like came full circle and I felt like repositioned and like back in like, okay,

Speaker 3 this wasn't a waste. This wasn't for nothing.
You didn't relapse.

Speaker 3 This was a full-fledged like release and shedding and like awakening, fully step in and stamp confirmation into this new timeline that I'm on.

Speaker 3 And I felt so much relief and I was like, do I want to book a flight and leave? So I was like, yeah, the trip feels complete. I'm not leaving out of avoidance.
So it feels right to book a flight.

Speaker 3 And I looked up flights, perfect timing. There was a flight right to Pensacola.
First class, $250.

Speaker 3 Period, bitch. So I booked it.
You never find a flight that cheap. And like the timing of it all and it lined up.

Speaker 3 And I didn't even think about the money that I spent for the extra three days I should have been there. That felt forced to stay and stay out how long I booked it for.

Speaker 3 I was fine with losing the money because what I had just gained, like there's no touching it. There's nothing that could make me like force myself to stay there.

Speaker 3 If my soul wants to go, it's going to fucking go. So here we go.
I booked the flight and I called my parents and I told them I was coming. They're so excited.
Yay, woo.

Speaker 3 And my dad was going through some things and he really needed me, but didn't want to ask or say anything. So the timing of it all.

Speaker 3 happening and I didn't feel like I wanted to come back home to Dallas. I still wanted to like,

Speaker 3 i had something else i had to do and when i thought of going to see my parents it just like felt right so i did it and when i got there my dad was like i really needed you like you have no idea how much this meant and i'm like okay like no problem and i went and i checked on him it was a little bit for me

Speaker 3 it just felt like what my soul wanted to do but it was there for my dad when i got to my dad's house we were hanging out it felt right i slept went to sleep and slept great woke up the next morning i've been having the weirdest fucking dreams.

Speaker 3 Like insanely weird. And it's like my brain and my subconscious is rewriting what has happened.
It's like I'm dreaming of scenarios that happened in my life and I handled it not in line with my soul.

Speaker 3 And it's like my soul is rewriting it and showing me how I handled situations in alignment. And it's like rewriting it.
Every day I wake up, it's a whole new thing with a whole new person.

Speaker 3 It's kind of cool, but I'm not stressed out. I'm not emotional about it because like I said, I'm aware of what's going on.
It's my nervous system cleansing this

Speaker 3 and like cycling through and like cleaning itself out it i don't know how to word it but i you know what i'm saying if you know what i'm saying the ones that are intuitive the ones that are like a little witchy little psychic little things like that you get it the spiritual ones you get it

Speaker 3 i've never felt more held by god than ever And I've never felt more like held by the universe and my own soul and like the connection of all that.

Speaker 3 But I wake up off of a weird ass dream and the neighbor's dog gets to barking. And that's what woke me up.
The neighbor's dog barking pissed me off.

Speaker 3 I woke up off a weird dream and I woke up in a rage. And it was like, I felt the rage all through my body from my head to my fucking tippy tippy toes.
In my little toe, I felt it.

Speaker 3 And I was like, this dog. Oh my God.
And then it was like, my brain jolted because I was aware of what was happening. My nervous system was like,

Speaker 3 the rage was burning through in my body, like the energy of what wasn't meant to be there. It was like in the middle of a cleanse.

Speaker 3 And when I woke up to the dog and the rage, it's like it burned through everything else and like completed it. And I felt like relief immediately once I like knew what was happening.

Speaker 3 After that, I get like this weird like thing because my soul's back on. I'm like, woo, happy as hell.

Speaker 3 And I remember there's cocaine in my safe at my dad's house. So I was like,

Speaker 3 okay, let's do it again. Let's get rid of it.
Anywhere I've traveled to that I frequent, I've stashed cocaine there. So I always got it.

Speaker 3 When I told you it was my best friend, I made sure I could always see my best friend. I don't recommend doing this.
Do not. It's illegal.
I know it's all illegal and do not touch it.

Speaker 3 If I could tell you anything, it's do not touch that fucking drug. Okay.

Speaker 3 Not out of rage or like anything. Do not silence that voice.

Speaker 3 Do not use nothing to silence that voice inside you you got to follow it okay i've tried the opposite let me save you from this hell just honor yourself honor the true way that you feel and do it and be that be yourself follow the little fire you got in you you know when you logically like i'm supposed to do this It's not the chaotic, intrusive thought that's like, I really want to do that.

Speaker 3 It's that calm stillness in you that's like, no, I don't want to be doing this. I want to be doing that.
Follow that. Follow the calm and the still.

Speaker 3 And that's you following your soul. But I get up and I go grab the cocaine out of the safe.
And I'm like,

Speaker 3 hey, this is like nice. It's like I'm cleaning all this shit out like once and for all.
And I went in the bathroom and washed it down the sink. Immediately, another emotional release.

Speaker 3 I started bawling. And it wasn't like a

Speaker 3 like ugly cry. It was just like my body was just like crying.
I heard my nervous system and my body thanking me.

Speaker 3 And that's kind of what it was. It was like every time I would flush it or like put it down the drain, it was like my body and my soul, everything was like, woo, like thanking me.

Speaker 3 Because I was punishing my body and I was punishing my nervous system and I was making my nervous system hold all this shit that I wouldn't just let out because I was trying to protect everybody else from.

Speaker 3 my soul and the authenticity of me. I was punishing my nervous system and making it hold it.
And it was like, thank you for not making me hold it no more. Woo.

Speaker 3 And my body was thanking me of like, thank you for not punishing me for holding your emotions. I'm not responsible for them, but you've been punishing me for holding how you feel.

Speaker 3 Thank you for trusting me again. And that's what the release was emotionally every time I would like put it down the drain.
But then

Speaker 3 next day, I get

Speaker 3 sick.

Speaker 3 And it's a sickness I've never felt before. It was my lungs.
Like my lungs got inflamed.

Speaker 3 And I was having trouble breathing. And I would have to sit down and like focus on my breath and focus on breathing.
And I started to panic a little bit. And I was like, no, it's the grief.

Speaker 3 Like I said, I know what's going on with my body without understanding why. Like my nervous system, the anxiety, the feelings, everything.
I have like a clear understanding of it.

Speaker 3 I know what the hell is happening with myself. And I just heard, like, it's the grief.
And your lungs are responsible for holding and processing grief.

Speaker 3 And if you don't let certain things go and release them, they stay trapped in your lungs. So my lungs were like releasing

Speaker 3 all this shit.

Speaker 3 And for like two, three days, my lungs kept getting more and more inflamed. And like, I had to sit there and focus on my breath.
And I had to just sit down and hang out with my lungs.

Speaker 3 It's a weird thing. I let them like

Speaker 3 process it.

Speaker 3 I let them be inflamed. I wasn't mad about it.
I was like letting my lungs kind of do their thing because I wasn't scared. I knew what they were doing.

Speaker 3 I knew what was going on with my body and my nervous system. Like your body is separate, your emotions, your nervous system.
It's all separate. And I knew what each thing was doing.

Speaker 3 And I knew the thoughts that were me. And I knew the thoughts that were coming up because my nervous system was processing them.
And the dreams kept going. It's very weird.

Speaker 3 But it's like I would try and cough

Speaker 3 and like I would try and breathe very deep to like get the shit out of my lungs. I was trying to force it out and it was like a calming like let me do it.
I just knew what to do.

Speaker 3 It was like I just needed to breathe shallow and just breathe normal. I didn't need to breathe all the way in and try and force out and coughing all this mucus out.

Speaker 3 My lungs were shedding like an entire layer of them.

Speaker 3 Like that's what this is it's like my lungs have been shedding and getting rid of all the grief all the emotions all the mistrust all the fear the panic the worry the having to protect myself feeling like i'm the only one that's got my back all this distrust for the universe and god it's like my lungs were just shedding all of the grief and they're still doing it they still like recovering but i'm letting them do their thing And yeah, I'm taking my little supplements to make sure I'm taking care of my body, but I'm taking what feels right.

Speaker 3 And I'm not like forcing antibiotics. I tried to get them, but I got them.
And I didn't take them for two days because my body didn't want them yet.

Speaker 3 And I got to a point where I'm like, okay, my body, I feel like I want to give it like a little assistance. It wasn't a panic.
It wasn't a fear. It was just like, it feels right to take them.

Speaker 3 So I started my antibiotics. And I've started like feeling better.
And then I got the urge to take them. Weird.
I don't know. I'm a nurse.
I know the medical side of shit.

Speaker 3 This sounds stupid, but paying attention to my body is what I'm doing. Paying attention to my soul and my nervous system, all that.
That's what I'm doing. It ain't led me anywhere bad yet.

Speaker 3 So that's kind of like what's been going on with my lungs. And I like it.
It's like, I've, it's giving me permission to like sit there and hang out with myself and like hang out with my lungs.

Speaker 3 And like I understand what's going on. And it's like I can comfort my lungs in a weird way because I know what's happening.

Speaker 3 But the other part where I'm talking about stress,

Speaker 3 this was my first time being sick in this whole new mindset of like, I'm not forcing things.

Speaker 3 Like used to when I would get sick, I would get so stressed out because I'm like, I have to force myself to do my work and show up and do what I have to do regardless. For me to skip the podcast

Speaker 3 was totally new for me. Like, I've done it in the past when I've been like deathly sick, but like having a cold, I've done so many podcasts when I'm like sick like this and I just forced through it.

Speaker 3 This time it was like my body was like, no, I let my body and my soul tell me what to lend energy to. I didn't force anything and I let myself sit there and relax.
I pushed off certain calls.

Speaker 3 I pushed off certain emails and I got to them when I felt to do it. And it didn't take anything from me.
I didn't feel drained by it because I wasn't forcing it.

Speaker 3 Everything got done and everything kind of worked out, which is weird. Like By not forcing it, when I did do it, it worked out better.
I didn't know.

Speaker 3 Crazy, when when you pay attention to yourself, it should be lining up. Like it lines up better than you think it can.

Speaker 3 And sure, I'm over here panicked, like, oh my God, no, it's all these consequences are going to happen if I don't do this, but I'm not letting myself force through shit no more.

Speaker 3 So, honoring myself and listening to it, it was like the whole stress thing of like, I'm sick.

Speaker 3 I know what's happening with my body. Why am I going to go abuse it further for what? Responsibilities that are fake?

Speaker 3 Everything's going to be fine.

Speaker 3 And if something I'm building and and something I'm working on cannot hold itself together for me to be sick, if I'm sick and I don't lend all this forced energy to it or it will crumble, I don't fucking want it.

Speaker 3 Let it crumble. I'm now have built things and I'm building this whole clothing brand that I'm doing off of sheer stability.
I'm allowed to be sick. I'm allowed to not have to force.

Speaker 3 It's able to withstand itself without crumbling because I'm not forcing it.

Speaker 3 You know what i mean it's like just trusting it and flowing with it it's stable fully and it's kind of crazy like it's weird but it's like the nicest feeling and if something's going to crumble because you're sick let it this is different when you have children okay i'm not talking about that i'm talking about responsibilities and this fake bullshit we stress ourselves out with like oh my god i'm laying on the couch because i'm sick but i should be doing this this and that well i have a little energy i should be doing that no sit there and rest until your body tells you you can do it they'll listen to your mind and your anxiety who you are when you're stressed is not you who you are when you're anxious is not you when i say you it's not your soul talking don't take the actions out of that take the actions after you've sat there and let all these little thoughts and feelings run amok sit there let them pass and then you'll get a knowing and like a boost or like an idea and then you follow that And that's when it leads to everything right.

Speaker 3 That's how I'm living. That's where everything's going great.
So I'm like, okay, take.

Speaker 3 But getting sick and being like trapped in Pensacola was kind of nice. It was like a healing thing.
Every time I've been sick the past couple years, I've been living in apartments by myself.

Speaker 3 I've been alone having my parents there. My parents are separated.
They're divorced, but they never got along for years. And

Speaker 3 a lot of my childhood was fucked up. But like they're civil now.
So My mom was there to take care of me when my dad was at work. And then my dad would be there to hang out with me.

Speaker 3 I don't really need taken care of.

Speaker 3 I could fuck a sustain myself, but just the comfort of like having people there was was nice because like i've been sick before and had to physically force my body out of the bed and crawl to the fridge to get water like i've been that sick before like my body's shut off like it's gone and i've had to force myself because i haven't had no one to call like i've had to get the water or get food or like get a Gatorade so I could hydrate.

Speaker 3 I had to like crawl. Like I know what it's like to feel like you're dying and have no one to take care of you.
So it was nice.

Speaker 3 It was like a weird healing experience of like, hey, this time I got people with me, but I also know what's going on with myself. Fun how all that happened.

Speaker 3 But getting trapped there, it was like, I felt trapped, but I was like, no, my soul is going to tell me when I'm ready to go. And it was like a Wednesday that I was like, I want to book my flight.

Speaker 3 And I was going to book it for Thursday, but my soul was like, no, do it Friday. So I booked it Friday, came home.
Today's Saturday. So yesterday I came home.

Speaker 3 But it's Sunday now if you're watching this on Sunday. Hey, friend.
But the last little couple days that I was in in Pensacola, a lot of, it was like a completion thing.

Speaker 3 Like it felt complete to leave on Friday. It felt rushed to leave Thursday.
So like on Friday when I was leaving for the airport, it everything felt complete. It felt good.
And then this is

Speaker 3 where this whole trip, everything that happened made full sense.

Speaker 3 Okay. Oh my God.
I need to get some water first. This is a lot.
This is, I'm going to get cuckoo. They're going to put me in a straight jacket.

Speaker 3 Just make sure I got cigarettes. Okay, if they put me in a straight jacket, just make sure I got my cigarettes I could cope through it a little

Speaker 3 So when I was going to the airport I was going through security in Pensacola. You can't stand small towns.
Okay.

Speaker 3 My god the people just be stupid. The people are so stupid

Speaker 3 But I'm going through security. I'm wearing my exact same outfit I always wear, which is this.

Speaker 3 These cargo sweatpants, a tank top, all my jewelry and Timberland boots not the steel toes just the classic Timberlands I have TSA pre-check when I go through the metal detector it never goes off I'm going through the metal detector I'm in like a weird kind of like mood I'm a little sick I'm tired I'm going to the airport so I brought a mask with me because I'm not trying to be rude and spread my sickness.

Speaker 3 If it is like a contagious thing, I don't, no one around me has gotten sick, but I've been like respectful about it. And I brought a mask with me.
So I didn't put the mask on until after security.

Speaker 3 You're about to hear why. But I'm literally just tired.
I'm exhausted. I didn't want to pack, but I packed and I was getting myself to the airport.
I was just tired. I was just ready to come home.

Speaker 3 You know, like when you're sick and you're just like,

Speaker 3 all right, whatever.

Speaker 3 I'm going to security. I go to the little meditative.
Beep beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Goes off.

Speaker 3 I walk back through.

Speaker 3 The guy goes, It's the boots.

Speaker 3 I said, no, it's not. They're not steel-toe.
I always wear this.

Speaker 3 Let me try it again and walk back through. It didn't go off.
And this motherfucker goes,

Speaker 3 sir, no, you need to go take the boots off.

Speaker 3 I wanted

Speaker 3 to... grab this motherfucker's head and pull it off his body and pitch it like a bowling ball.
I don't know why I got so so angry.

Speaker 3 I'm about to explain why it made me angry, but I felt nothing but full body rage into my pinky toes again. You over here now just turning this into a power play.

Speaker 3 I just walked back through, but because I didn't follow your little infections,

Speaker 3 I just showed it didn't go off. Instead of brutalizing this motherfucker, I wanted to beat him till I felt better.
I was just irritated, sick, and I couldn't breathe barely.

Speaker 3 I go

Speaker 3 back, I walked back through, took my boots off, flung them in a fucking bin, and shoved them down that goddamn thing. And I walked back to the thing.
It didn't beep. He goes, have a nice day.

Speaker 3 I didn't say nothing.

Speaker 3 I walked through, waited for my stuff to come out, grabbed it, put my boots on, and walked to my gate.

Speaker 3 I'm talking

Speaker 3 full body rage, rage, anger. And I saw what was going on with my emotional system fully.
I saw what was going on. I saw why I was so irritated.
I got to my gate and sat down and just breathed.

Speaker 3 The core of it and the message behind all that is I cannot stand rule following, well, just bullshit systems.

Speaker 3 Because the machine malfunctioned.

Speaker 3 Now I got to go take my boots off, inconvenience the fuck out of myself after I pay the money for TSA Precheck because you want to be a little motherfucker and you want to try and mall cop me?

Speaker 3 That's what you are. You a mock cop with a little badge over your airport security.
Oh my God. It was like the recognition, that little like power play that he did.

Speaker 3 That's the only bit of power you got over somebody like me. Everything about me and the physical thing where I could rip your head off your body with one hand, all of that.

Speaker 3 The only ounce of power you'd ever have over somebody like me is that.

Speaker 3 And the fact that you're going to abuse it, I can't stand it. I'm cool with everybody, I'm respectful to everybody.

Speaker 3 When you have a little bit of power over me, and you try and dick me around,

Speaker 3 and I cannot remind you

Speaker 3 of your actual place in the food chain

Speaker 3 makes me so angry.

Speaker 3 The way that the system is set up for little weak little shits like that to have power over anybody infuriates me. It made me aware of the system, of how things are.

Speaker 3 I don't like to be told what to do. I've earned the ability to not be bitched around and told what to do.
I'm financially free by my own work and by busting my own ass. I look the way I do.

Speaker 3 I'm as strong as I am physically and I'm as strong as I am mentally by my own doing.

Speaker 3 And for something, just because somebody said so, you're hired, you get control over me. No, I'm controlled by no one.

Speaker 3 That was like an ultimate recognition of myself and my power and the fire of my soul. Reconnecting with this, it can't be controlled.
It's just gonna burn.

Speaker 3 Do I follow certain rules because I don't wanna deal with the consequences of little dumb shits like this? Like kill this dude and go to prison for like, okay, no, not gonna happen.

Speaker 3 Even if I just beat the shit out of him, I'm going to prison and I'm probably gonna get banned from the airport. It's not worth it.
But me having to play that,

Speaker 3 think of the consequences and not check you that irks me and my soul is not one that can be contained it is not one that can be pushed around and it was like a highlight and a recognition because what do i have to prove to somebody like that nothing and it was like a moment where i set myself free of like the recognition that like i don't got to prove nothing to you you got your one little ounce of power i'm not obliging for you i'm obliging for myself

Speaker 3 It's obvious who wins. You know, why do I need to prove it? Only reason you feel the urge to exert your little bit of power is because you see the discrepancy.
That's all you got.

Speaker 3 So I don't need to prove nothing. We both see it.

Speaker 3 So for me to waste my energy, waste my attention on somebody like that. It's like as soon as I realized this, I was like cut from

Speaker 3 any energy going toward him. It stopped ruining my mood.
It stopped ruining my time. It stopped ruining my day.
And I felt that rage. It was my nervous system.

Speaker 3 One final clean out through my whole body of

Speaker 3 a limiting belief of powerlessness and having to prove myself. And it was like the one last thing of just like shedding it, of like, I don't need nobody to protect me.

Speaker 3 I've got it.

Speaker 3 And this little system is not attacking me. It's just the way that it is.
My soul is not meant to fall in line with it. I'm not meant to deal with that and tolerate that.

Speaker 3 I don't need to lend energy toward it. And I felt it like the rage like cleansed my fucking nervous system of like a few more limiting beliefs of what is possible.

Speaker 3 And I go get on the plane and I'm sitting there in my seat,

Speaker 3 calm back to like a neutral spot. I'm like, okay, tea.
And I see Lana Del Rey post a new song. She's Henry, come on, or some shit like that.
And I'm like, ooh, put it on. I don't know.

Speaker 3 So I'm like, let me listen to her new song.

Speaker 3 What's What's teawah?

Speaker 3 And my phone, don't know how, it got set to repeat. So it was on repeat.
Because the first time I heard it, I was like, girl.

Speaker 3 And then it grew on me fully. Love the song now.
But there is something about Lana's music that like grounds me and is like comforting for me my whole life.

Speaker 3 And my whole life, like she's been around my whole life. Like since I'm like 17, Lana's music has been like very calming and like grounding for me.
And it feels spiritual in a way. I don't know why.

Speaker 3 She, there's like a lyric in it where it's like, I heard God say, You are meant to hold the hand of the man who flies too close to the sun.

Speaker 3 And it's not that that had any significance for me, but it kind of did.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 I see why my nervous system had to clear out some shit with that last little bit of rage because

Speaker 3 I pierced the veil. I felt myself

Speaker 3 with the guy I'm supposed to be with.

Speaker 3 And I've come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to find a guy who can hold

Speaker 3 the force that I have in me, like my soul. I have like come to terms with no one's going to meet my standards.
There's not anyone out there who's going to be for me.

Speaker 3 I'm going to have to settle if I want to be in a relationship and I'm not going to settle. So I've like kind of mourned that already and I already came to terms with it and accepted it.

Speaker 3 I'm like, there's not nobody out there for me, and I'm okay with it. Like, it didn't hurt.

Speaker 3 There's like a little achy thing I would feel here and there, where it's like, I have the ache of wanting to be with somebody, but I quickly remind myself, it's not there, it's not gonna happen.

Speaker 3 Then, this visual and this like feeling, I had it was like my soul remembering

Speaker 3 this guy,

Speaker 3 don't know who, don't know what, don't know when, where, why, or how, but I saw us like

Speaker 3 walking

Speaker 3 down a street together, happy boots.

Speaker 3 It was the weirdest thing of like a sense of safety. It's like somebody like me

Speaker 3 next to me.

Speaker 3 And I was like,

Speaker 3 what the hell?

Speaker 3 And we were together. I was like, kind of like snapped back into reality and was like, okay, I'm sitting here on a plane.
Leo, what are you daydreaming about?

Speaker 3 Like, what is this little like thing you're feeling?

Speaker 3 Then,

Speaker 3 how do I explain this?

Speaker 3 I saw through his eyes for a second, and I felt him. And he felt the exact same things that I've felt about finding somebody.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 he exists, and he's real. I saw through his fucking eyes.
I don't know how else to explain this, but it's like I pierced the veil of a certain reality timeline, whatever you want to call it.

Speaker 3 He exists. And I felt him.

Speaker 3 And I felt like how it is when we're together. And the ache that I feel from wanting a partner, it's like I saw it switch from an ache to a magnet.
It's like the ache is a pull now. He exists.

Speaker 3 He's somewhere. And he's looking for me too.
And he feels it too.

Speaker 3 And it feels like a pull, not an ache anymore. And the way that it, I have the chills again, like the way that it fully blew through all of my beliefs of like,

Speaker 3 the person for me is not out there. He don't exist.
It ain't real. It's, it's gone.
It's confirmed. Like he exists.
He's living. And we're going to meet.

Speaker 3 And I felt how it's going to feel when we're going to meet. It's going to be a fucking collision.
It's not going to be like, oh, you meet, you say hi, you brush pats, whatever it is.

Speaker 3 It's going to be an energetic collision and it's we're both gonna know. It's not gonna be, we're meeting.
This feels like a remembering.

Speaker 3 That's how I like my logical mind was already trying to poke holes in this. Like, there's no guy who is on social media, not a whore, not showing his body, not over here on OnlyFans or something.

Speaker 3 There's no guy who's my type. There's no guy that is going to be strong and tough, but also be capable of like extreme extreme danger and be controlled.

Speaker 3 I don't feel safe with nobody who can't kill me. That's my kind of guy.
I'm not going to feel safe with a golden retriever type.

Speaker 3 I don't feel safe with people who aren't capable of extreme destruction. That's the only way I feel safe with you.
If you can't kill me, I don't like you.

Speaker 3 I've tried it. I can't do it because you're going to misread me.
You're going to misunderstand me. It's my mind is never going to turn on the person I love.

Speaker 3 I'm never going to hurt that person like that.

Speaker 3 But for me to feel safe, I have to know that we're two weapons walking down the street. And it's like an extra set of eyes with me.
I can trust that you can handle yourself and also protect me.

Speaker 3 And I can do the same for you. I'm never going to feel safe in a dynamic that ain't that.
And I've written it off in my head that don't exist. And it does.

Speaker 3 He's real. He's somewhere.
And I'm kind of hesitant to talk about it and like say it.

Speaker 3 But it's old me to think that that's a jinx

Speaker 3 what i felt is what i felt and

Speaker 3 he's somewhere

Speaker 3 and i have so much like peace and a whole different relationship to it like i don't have these limiting beliefs of like my person ain't out there he don't exist it's gonna be too hard it's gonna be whatever I'm not gonna meet him online.

Speaker 3 It's not gonna be a DM thing. I don't check the DMs on social media looking for boyfriends.

Speaker 3 I look for business opportunities and to talk to people who need help maybe or people who are trying to be nice to me. Like say, oh, I love you so so bad.
I love your podcast. Cute.

Speaker 3 Or you tag me in a photo. I see it.
I don't go on my DMs looking for partners. I don't flirt.
I don't talk to people like that. I don't talk to people.

Speaker 3 And to find another guy who's gay in today's day and age, who don't do that, oh my God.

Speaker 3 He's somewhere.

Speaker 3 But I don't know. It's it's a remembering thing.
It's not like a delusional imagination thing because I went out of it and like regrounded myself and was like, Leo, you're in a plane.

Speaker 3 You imagining shit. And then it came back through.
And that's when I saw through his eyes. He's here on this earth.
I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 3 But I have a peace knowing that he exists.

Speaker 3 Even if I never meet him, it's a weird thing of like

Speaker 3 he feels me too.

Speaker 3 And it's confirmed. And I was peeking through his eyes.
And I hope I can still do that when we meet because I will be going through your phone, through your eyes.

Speaker 3 So that is what happened on my trip. Not what I thought would happen at all.

Speaker 3 But this is better than I could have ever dreamed. Cause like, holy shit.
I feel like I gained like a superpower in a way.

Speaker 3 Where like I have a new intuition and like a new understanding of myself and what's going on. And like the whole trust of like, my guy exists.
He's somewhere. He better not be with nobody else.

Speaker 3 If I peek into his eyes and he's with somebody else, I'm going to kill him through his eyes.

Speaker 3 He not though. He's not

Speaker 3 he's alone too

Speaker 3 and in a relationship standpoint he ain't with nobody i feel it i know it like

Speaker 3 this is the craziest thing because my logical mind is like poking holes in it trying to come up with things but like it's not like when i listen to that like soul of mine that little motherfucker yeah i i know it but i see now how everything that i just went through had to like filter through it and get to that but i'm like

Speaker 3 my relationship to my business, my relationship to this podcast, my relationship to everything is totally different now too. And my emotions and my nervous system, it's crazy.
Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Like, I love it. I'm so happy about everything.
But

Speaker 3 I'm less concerned now about how podcasts turn out and I'm more concerned about how I feel while making them. I feel really fucking good.

Speaker 3 So if that's a test you want to use for yourself, Not worrying about how things turn out. How did you feel while you were doing it?

Speaker 3 That's a good thing to not stress too much too this is an episode that went all over the board but hope it helped you in some way this has been crazy i feel this has been my most like out there podcast and people don't realize i'm that deep it's so funny like people who are finding me on tick tock who haven't heard my podcast they're coming in now they're like oh he's nuts

Speaker 3 i don't really feel nothing else itching to come out so that's where i'm gonna end it for this week Hope you liked it.

Speaker 3 If you enjoyed it, hit the download button if you're listening to the audio version. And leave this video a thumbs up.
If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe and all that shit.

Speaker 3 Because baby, we is on a different kind of journey right now everything you need from me is in the description i'm posting little like updates and brand things like clothing things on my sub stack if you want to join that it's a private thing i'll link down in the description too but yeah everything you need from me is down there go look and as things drop with my clothing line i will tell you and like it's gonna be an exciting thing the first thing i'm dropping is t-shirts And it's gonna be a limited drop because I'm doing it as like an introduction to the brand where we're switching from merch to brand.

Speaker 3 And the shirts are from Turkey. Okay, baby.
The quality is dha. And I'm doing gold foil print.
Oh my God, it's so cool.

Speaker 3 You're going to love them so bad. I'm going to put $100 in, I think, like five, maybe 10 boxes.
There's only a thousand shirts. So I feel like it's fun if I put $100 in five or 10 boxes.

Speaker 3 Cause then it's like, ooh, who got the golden ticket? You know what I mean? Who got the shirt for free?

Speaker 3 I'll keep you updated as things come out. but I'm also not going to drop things in like collections.
I was thinking about that, but I'm like, let's just have fun with this shit.

Speaker 3 Like, as things are ready, I want to drop them. I'm making sunglasses also.
And tank tops. I've been trying samples out for three years and I got them down.

Speaker 3 So I'm going to do women's and men's tank tops. It's going to be your staple tank top if you need them.
But as things are ready, I'm going to drop them.

Speaker 3 I'm not going to sit here and wait on the whole like.

Speaker 3 oh all five six things in the collection have to be done at once as they're ready they're gonna go because i'm excited you know we're just gonna let our soul pick. We're gonna do that,

Speaker 3 but that's it. That's all we got for this week's podcast.
Love you so bad. Everybody, be safe.
Take care of yourself. Listen to that little voice.
I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

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Speaker 4 This time, enjoy all the flavors you love all at once. Try new creamy and tangy buffalo ranch sauce.
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