47. Life Unlocks After You Contemplate Ending It

Speaker 1 Even though severe cases can be rare, respiratory syncytial virus or RSV is still the leading cause of hospitalization in babies under one.

Speaker 1 RSV often begins like a cold or the flu, but can quickly spread to your baby's lungs. Ask your doctor about preventative antibodies for your baby this season and visit protectagainstrsv.com.

Speaker 1 The information presented is for general educational purposes only. Please ask your healthcare provider about any questions regarding your health or your baby's health.

Speaker 1 Even when you're playing music,

Speaker 1 you're always listening to your baby, especially when RSV is on your mind.

Speaker 1 Bifortis, nercevimab ALIP, is the first and only long-acting preventative antibody that gives babies the RSV antibodies they lack.

Speaker 1 Bifortis is a prescription medicine used to help prevent serious lung disease caused by RSV or respiratory syncytial virus in babies under age one born during or entering their first RSV season and children up to 24 months who remain at risk of severe RSV RSV disease through their second RSV season.

Speaker 1 Your baby shouldn't receive Baportis if they have a history of serious allergic reactions to Baphortis, Nursevimab ALIP, or any of its ingredients.

Speaker 1 Tell your baby's doctor about any medicines they're taking and all their medical conditions, including bleeding or bruising problems. Serious allergic reactions have happened.

Speaker 1 Get medical help right away if your child has any of the following signs or symptoms of a serious allergic reaction, such as swelling of the face, mouth, or tongue, difficulty swallowing or breathing, unresponsiveness, bluish color of skin, lips, or underfingernails, muscle weakness, severe rash, hives, or itching.

Speaker 1 Most common side effects include rash and pain, swelling, or hardness at their injection site. Individual results may vary.
Ask your baby's doctor about Bayfortis.

Speaker 1 Visit Bayfortis.com or call 1-855-BEFORTIS.

Speaker 2 Hi, friends. Somebody sent me a Birkin.

Speaker 2 I decided to start the episode with that. I can't get over it.
Can't believe it. It's an ostrich Birkin.
It's vintage.

Speaker 2 I like my brain can't compute this very nice gift thank you so bad i no longer feel imposter syndrome when i tell y'all my analogy of don't give a birkin to a crackhead that's when you give yourself to somebody who don't appreciate or understand and can't recognize your value it's like giving a birkin to a crackhead they don't understand the value of this type of bag they're just going to throw it around beat it up and trash it that's what people do with you when they can't appreciate you and then you start to question yourself am i a birkin or am i just a Walmart bag that a crackhead got handed?

Speaker 2 You know, don't ever question your value. You a goddamn Birkin.
And an ostrich went at that. I just had to start the video with this because holy shit, we got a Birkin.

Speaker 2 Also, one more thing I want to throw out. Pre-orders for merch are live.
And I didn't post the episode last week. Sorry, girl.

Speaker 2 I didn't have nothing to say. My soul didn't want to talk.
I tried to record a couple episodes. Nothing wanted to come out.
But pre-orders, there's already 8,000 orders.

Speaker 2 So I've been losing my mind absolutely for the past couple of days. So everything's on pre-order right now, and there's already 8,000 orders.
I thought I was going to get like 2,000.

Speaker 2 The amount of inventory I got to order, whoo! I have a meeting tomorrow with my manufacturers. But if you want to order anything, order it.
And everything will ship in like two, three weeks.

Speaker 2 I'll keep you posted. I'll keep you updated, but I'll link it in the description where you can go shop.
LeoskepticCollection.com. Oh, I just had to get that out and let you know.

Speaker 2 So many things to celebrate and so many things I want to talk about.

Speaker 2 I don't even really know where I want to go. I just want to talk.
Like I'm happy. I want to hang out with you.
I want to talk and like speak a little about,

Speaker 2 what's the name? How do you say like suicide?

Speaker 2 These guidelines, I'm going to have to talk and dance around them. But

Speaker 2 there's such a gift in not wanting to be here. You know what I'm saying? I just can't speak.
around i can't say certain things online no bammy take me down forever

Speaker 2 so I've been like at that brink of not wanting to be here a lot of different times in my life where it was just all bad. Then it got real good, then real bad.

Speaker 2 And it felt like everything was just gone to shit. And the whole thing of like trying to force yourself to feel better and all that.
I get it fully.

Speaker 2 And I just, I feel like there's something that wants to come out around this topic. So I kind of just want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 But the biggest thing I've learned, okay, the Birkin, perfect timing to have this sitting here with me. We're just gonna hang out with it.
We're just gonna hold it a little

Speaker 2 But this is like a superficial thing like it's just a material item. Yeah, you can still appreciate it and love it, but okay, let me put you down.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be like yelling in your ear But in life when you don't have like secure connections with people you attach to material objects and I understand that whole like dynamic.

Speaker 2 I've talked about it before in episodes, but this is gonna go all over the board. I don't even know where we're going with it.
But basically

Speaker 2 when you're up against not wanting to be here anymore, wanting to unalive, you see no hope, no point, no nothing. That moment is something that I now see as such a gift.

Speaker 2 And I always saw it as such a curse because once you have that thought of opting out of this life, it revisits you every single time.

Speaker 2 You have something bad happen to you. And I've never heard nobody talk about this.
So I want to do it so you don't feel so crazy.

Speaker 2 It's like your safety net you know if it gets bad enough there's a way out it becomes an a weird twisted fucked up comfort that other people do not understand but it's also as a safety net it's such a freeing thing because From my life, when I've been at points where I wanted to not be here no more, I didn't care about taking certain risks.

Speaker 2 And that's exactly what got me out of being

Speaker 2 suicidal. How do I say it without getting in trouble?

Speaker 2 But with that safety net thing, like the thought of it coming back every time things get bad or like anytime you even start getting worried or doubtful, it's like you feel like you're falling back into that place.

Speaker 2 It's just your brain's way of finding relief from what you're going through is what I've learned in life. Like I used to start to freak out every time I would start to contemplate it again.

Speaker 2 Like the idea would just pop back up into my head. After I was doing okay for a minute, I feel like I'm falling back into a certain hole or like a certain mindset.
I'm like, oh, great.

Speaker 2 We're back here.

Speaker 2 And like that thought will come back up of like opting out. And I don't think that's something that will ever go away.

Speaker 2 It's like once your brain has found that peace of relief, there is nothing like it.

Speaker 2 There is nothing that will touch that just overwhelming peace that you feel when that thought crosses your mind when you're going through something catastrophic or you just do not want to be here.

Speaker 2 Like if depression gets a hold of you, if your life's falling apart, if things just ain't going right,

Speaker 2 as someone who's had my life fall apart multiple, many a time,

Speaker 2 I get it.

Speaker 2 But don't freak out. I don't know why I want to say that.
Like don't freak the fuck out if you have that thought come up. Just look at it.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like my alarm bell now when I haven't had this thought or this feeling like in a few months. And like at the beginning of the year, awful bad, right?

Speaker 2 I already fucking told you about all this.

Speaker 2 I've been telling you about it for the past like few months of episodes, but a big part of that thought kind of coming up and like actually finding peace in it is I've, I've learned it's like a big sense of isolation.

Speaker 2 Like you've never had anyone to help you or be there for you and

Speaker 2 you don't feel like anyone can help you get out of it. You don't feel like anyone can make you want to be here anymore.
You don't think anyone has the power to fix it.

Speaker 2 Like I've been at periods where I thought God turned his back on me and I felt like he was just intentionally not fixing it.

Speaker 2 Like if he was as powerful as everybody fucking says, where's the help, girl? Like, what the fuck is the point? He's not going to intervene. I've always said this.

Speaker 2 The teacher is silent during the test. But

Speaker 2 typically, what I've learned from my experience is when you get that,

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 to that point where you find relief in the thought of not being here.

Speaker 2 Your life as you know it needs to be let go of. That's what you need to let go of.
Part of you has to die. How you've been living has to die fully.

Speaker 2 And you can't have like magic happen. You can't have life get good when you're living a way and like doing things in a way where you're not meant to do it.

Speaker 2 Like when I was nursing, when I was a nurse, I was fucking miserable. That's not the life path I'm meant to have.

Speaker 2 So a lot of times like life, everybody has a purpose and their soul is like your soul is dragging you toward what you are meant to be doing.

Speaker 2 But if you are not in alignment, I hate that everybody says alignment does alignment with that, but it's the fucking truth. Okay.
It's the truth. Your soul is dragging you to alignment.

Speaker 2 And when you do something that's not what you're meant to be doing, your emotional system, you wanting to

Speaker 2 pull your hair out.

Speaker 2 Don't end up like me bald.

Speaker 2 That's not what happened.

Speaker 2 But being miserable is your sign, change something.

Speaker 2 And I'm not talking like, oh, you're just a little uncomfortable, but you're working toward a goal. If it's something you actually want, you push through, right?

Speaker 2 But it's like that that dread, that misery, that like, I don't want to get out the fucking bed.

Speaker 2 That, no, you're not meant to be doing it.

Speaker 2 Like, the way that I was living my life earlier this year, when I was talking about my whole addiction to cocaine and how I was using that substance to force through things, you're not meant to force shit.

Speaker 2 If it feels forced, don't do it. And I've been living like that and I'm happier than ever.
I've been having more success than ever. You got to get out of the way of things being lined up for you.

Speaker 2 That's like the hardest thing and scariest thing for me because I was, like I said, with the whole, when the suicidal ideation comes up, it's like a pure hopelessness.

Speaker 2 And you feel like you only have yourself to rely on. Nobody's going to save you.
No one's going to help you. And when you go around life, you think no one's going to help you be there for you.

Speaker 2 It fixed nothing. Nothing's going to go in your favor.
Nothing's going to line up for you. Nothing's easy for you.
That's how I felt for so long.

Speaker 2 But that's because I was over here thinking I knew everything.

Speaker 2 I'm over here trying to force through things. It's like, girl, just let Jesus take the wheel.
Is that what that song is? Jesus take the wheel. Yeah.
Yeah. Take your hands off.
Put on cruise control.

Speaker 2 Let your soul put the cruise control on. Take you where you need to go.
You push the little gas here and there when you need to. You hit the brake, you hit the gas.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You may help turn a little bit, but you gotta just like let your soul just drive you there. That's not even the point of all this, is it?

Speaker 2 There is no fucking point. We're just talking.
So I also want to talk about with like that safety net of like the thought popping up

Speaker 2 and if you've been to the point of not wanting to be here you were broken open and that's one thing i want to point out there is a clear distinction in people of who has been up against

Speaker 2 suicidal thoughts and who hasn't

Speaker 2 there's

Speaker 2 such a difference in the type of people

Speaker 2 There's a level of strength that's different, but it's just like a perspective on life. And when you're broken open like that, you are molded and taught exactly how to be connected to people.

Speaker 2 You are taught to value connection over all other shit. Like, yeah, I have my birthday.
The person who sent it to me, I'm more connected to. That's the important thing.

Speaker 2 It's just like a reflection of the connection. But this like material stuff, you appreciate it and you have fun with life.
Like me over here excited about this. Woo! Like you feel the emotions.

Speaker 2 You feel happy because like yesterday, yesterday, you didn't know if it was your last day. It teaches you how to live, it teaches you how to be grateful.

Speaker 2 It teaches you how to like feel moments and feel experiences. This ain't even about the break-in.
Don't make it superficial like that.

Speaker 2 But me sharing my joy on TikTok and Instagram, just like going through life, having a good time, sharing the anger, sharing the happy, sharing the everything.

Speaker 2 This whole pattern of like getting up against those thoughts, it breaks you open to experiencing life.

Speaker 2 And I know that's like a weird like silver lining, never silver lining, gold lining way to look at it, but it's the truth.

Speaker 2 It teaches you how to live and it teaches you how to connect to people. It teaches you what's important in this life.
And

Speaker 2 I don't think there's anything that's stronger

Speaker 2 to really wake you up and break you the fuck open

Speaker 2 to

Speaker 2 what this life is supposed to be, which is experienced and felt. You're supposed to feel this life.
And

Speaker 2 every moment, like it teaches you how to appreciate things and also

Speaker 2 something i've been learning about my personality and people's personalities around me when you've been through real bad

Speaker 2 and you've been through an abusive type thing you've been through abuse you've almost been like killed if there's certain things have happened in life you've been through extreme danger like abusive things whatever that teaches you such an appreciation for life too it's like it's so weird how everybody's always focused on the negative of when bad things happen what it does to you it traumatizes you got to heal from it it breaks you the fuck open that's what i've learned to accept and realize it's like

Speaker 2 i'm only able to be as happy as i am because i've not thought i was going to be alive tomorrow at certain times and i've truly felt it and i've not wanted to be here so like It's like a bittersweet thing where it breaks you open to actually experiencing life and experiencing the happy.

Speaker 2 And the thing I want to talk about with the personality types, let me get back on check with that. People who have been through a lot, like

Speaker 2 they're the funniest people.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Like every comedian is like fucked up.
They've been through something bad.

Speaker 2 But also, if you look at most of the big personalities online, like if you look at the show Mob Wives, all them bitches tracked out crazy, but they're funny because they've got that element of like they've seen danger like that.

Speaker 2 They've had their life be at risk. They've had people taken from them in the blink of an eye.
And I'm sure everybody watching this, everybody can relate.

Speaker 2 If you relate to what I say, you've seen the dark side of life. Well, it's seen you.
It's dragged you into it. But we funny as hell.

Speaker 2 We are. We have a good time.
Like, we will piss ourselves laughing going to the grocery store. Like, when I'm out doing things with my sister, we have a hoot.
We have a good time. It's like...

Speaker 2 It kind of breaks open the element of your personality where you just don't give a fuck. Like, truly.
You just have fun. It's like you see the little moments in life.
It's like, okay, whoo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a big level of unsafety,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 it's like living inside of a cage. Life outside of a cage is scarier than life inside of a cage.
And if you imagine being out in a field, like just imagine being like in the middle of a safari.

Speaker 2 And there's like lions and tigers and bears. Oh my, there's like elephants and shit.
There's wildlife. There's critters.
There's little scorpions. I don't know what, where the fuck are we at?

Speaker 2 I'm just painting a scene. I don't know.
But imagine being out in a field with all the danger in life. You don't know what it is.
And you're right.

Speaker 2 Like there's a big giant cage around you where nothing can get you. You feel safe because you're in a cage, but you're trapped in a cage.
You don't have freedom.

Speaker 2 A lot of people are obsessed with the idea of freedom. But if you take that cage off, you got to face the lions, the tigers, the bears, everything around in the fucking desert, wherever we're at.

Speaker 2 I don't know where I painted this scene, but... You get what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 In order to be free, you have to face the damage, the destruction, the fear, all the bad things that could fuck you up, or just sit there in the cage.

Speaker 2 It takes a certain type of person to live life without a cage. And this can also go for routines and mindsets and jobs and certain structures and self-punishment.

Speaker 2 Certain mindsets can be a cage too, because imagine you just let yourself off the leash mentally. What the fuck would you turn into?

Speaker 2 Life without that cage, life without that leash tied around yourself is absolutely terrifying. And it takes very, very strong people to be able to live outside of that cage.

Speaker 2 Everybody's obsessed with freedom. No, it's like everybody says, everybody want to be fetty whop.
Nobody want to lose an eye. Everybody want to be free.
Nobody wants to face what's outside the cage.

Speaker 2 There's also happiness outside the cage, but you got to be like a certain type of person to be able to withstand it and handle it. And if you've been up against suicide and you've been

Speaker 2 up against really destructive shit in your life, you're the type of person who's been broken open to handle it. And you're not going to get it.
You're not going to think about it.

Speaker 2 You're not going to see it. But I also don't want it to be like a thing where I'm saying, oh, you've been forged to be strong enough.
It's not that you have to go fight through life.

Speaker 2 You just have to be strong enough to handle anything. And the level of strength that we have, if you relate to things that I say, the level of strength we have is not something that we have to exude.

Speaker 2 We're just normally like naturally strong people. We look at other people.
We're like, how the fuck can you not deal with that? Like, I don't get it. That's a level of strength that we have.

Speaker 2 That's just like forged in us. It's a part of us.
So I want this to be a bit of encouragement, but also

Speaker 2 the example with the cage thing.

Speaker 2 Anybody who's living outside the cage,

Speaker 2 anybody living outside of any kind of like societal norms and just like normal hit. Yeah, it's terrifying.
Really bad. But everybody's funny.
That's doing it.

Speaker 2 Like everybody's truly living who's outside of the cage, but it's not all gumdrops and roses. It's guns and roses.

Speaker 2 It is. It is.
Birkins and roses.

Speaker 2 Also, one more thing I want to talk about is like the perspective of what matters. When you've like dealt with wanting to not be here no more.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, it's hard. It's real difficult when you're around people who don't have the

Speaker 2 like same priorities as you, where certain things mean a lot to other people and you see people chase certain things and you're like, girl, it's empty. But you can't tell them that.

Speaker 2 If someone has a desire for something, you can't talk them out of it. You just have to help them get there and then they'll open their eyes.
They'll wake up to it.

Speaker 2 There's no change in somebody's mind about something that they want.

Speaker 2 That's the funny thing about desires because there's certain things that I've wanted that my perspective changed once I got it that you couldn't have talked me out of doing it.

Speaker 2 Like I had to experience it. I wanted it.

Speaker 2 But that's what's hard is after you've been like broken open to life and you can feel it and you're excited and you can like recognize other people. You're broken open for connection.

Speaker 2 You realize how void this life is of people who are capable of actual connection.

Speaker 2 People are chasing so much shit that don't make no sense. Like it genuinely, it doesn't.

Speaker 2 And I don't know why I want to talk about this, but it's like going out and going to clubs and going to party. When me and my friend group go to party, we going to party.

Speaker 2 We're not going to hook up with nobody. That's something that irritates the fucking shit out of me is people who are so overrun by wanting to hook up.

Speaker 2 Like you go out with certain guys and all they want to do is find girls. It's like if they go home without a girl at the end of the night, their self-esteem is like shot.
They're miserable.

Speaker 2 They had an awful time. It doesn't matter.
They spent so much at the section. It doesn't matter who was there, what fun they had.
They weren't having fun. They were going out on a mission.

Speaker 2 When I go out, I want to go party. I want to have a good time.
I'm not over here trying to get my diddle-fiddled. I don't want to deal with that.
I can play with it myself. I got friends.

Speaker 2 I'm just not someone that's in the hookup culture and I don't understand it.

Speaker 2 I don't understand how sexual desires can be so strong to get people so out of character and get people so blind where they don't enjoy life. All they want to do is like hook up.

Speaker 2 It is sex is an addiction. I understand that.
But there's been periods in my life way back when where I would hook up and do my thing, but

Speaker 2 I don't understand the whole being overrun by it. And I feel like that's something you only understand after you've been broken open.
Like you see that it's empty.

Speaker 2 You see so many things as empty and it's like watching people go around. It's like, y'all stop fucking boring.
I want to go have a time. I want everybody I'm with to have fun.

Speaker 2 We're going to get drunk. We're going to party.
We're going to dance. We're going to have fun.
Like I want to go have experiences. I want to go experience life.

Speaker 2 Like I don't care about the hidden motives. I don't like that shit.
Like, I don't have fun with people who are just going to fuck. Like, I don't like that.
I don't like being around you. Go away.

Speaker 2 Cause you come back in a pissy little mood because you got rejected.

Speaker 2 That's something that bothers me a lot.

Speaker 2 It's like the whole sex thing. I don't.

Speaker 2 I don't have like a desire for it or a drive for it incessantly like other people. Like I'm not sexually uncontrolled.
And I'm not meaning to like shade anybody when I say this.

Speaker 2 It's something I genuinely don't understand.

Speaker 2 And I think it's because my life is so exciting in so many other ways. I don't need that for excitement.
Like to go hook up with somebody.

Speaker 2 I've got people in my DMs all the time. I've got all the porn stars in my fucking DMs.
It's like, I don't know if it's, I know I can get it if I want it. That makes me not really care.

Speaker 2 But also like I have so much fun with life.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is. Like, I think there's some kind of advantage I don't see.

Speaker 2 That's why I don't look people too harsh when I judge them about it because I'm like, it's empty, but like, that's your lesson to learn. I don't know.
Like, it's just empty shit.

Speaker 2 And I don't like that. But this whole topic, like, when I do something superficial, it's for fun.
It's to experience it. When I go buy some stupid shit, whoo, because we're going to have fun.

Speaker 2 Like, I want to enjoy having it, enjoy wearing it. I don't use things as like a crutch, how like people need designer shit to feel good about themselves.
I don't wear logo clothing on my day-to-day.

Speaker 2 I wear a black tank top,

Speaker 2 these sweatpants. You've seen them in every video.
This is my uniform. And I wear Timberlands.
I don't wear nothing flashy logo clothes. I wear gold jewelry because I like it.

Speaker 2 But my whole self-esteem is not dependent on designer logos and fashion. Like, there's some people who are annoying about it.
I appreciate it, though. Like, I love designer clothes.

Speaker 2 I love, like, I love the fuckiness of it. Like, it's fun.
It's a good time. But, like, is that all all you got? Like, most of the people you go out, people with Birkins, they're boring.

Speaker 2 They're real fucking boring.

Speaker 2 Like, they have no substance to them. They have, like, no life.

Speaker 2 They're just like by this thing to be associated with high status and luxury. And they think it makes them important.

Speaker 2 They think having something that is so sought after and desired makes them more interesting. It doesn't.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck who you are if you go out to Birkin. I want to go have a good time.
If you ain't capable of that, I'm bored. And that's the type of people I can't be around.

Speaker 2 Anybody who's boring, I don't like it. Let's go have fun.
You know, let's have some deep conversations. Let's talk about some twisted shit.
People also with sense of humor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you could tell people's sense of humor who ain't been through nothing. They'd be offended.
They'd be all upset. I make jokes about everything.
It's a good time. Like,

Speaker 2 my sense of humor is like twisted and fucked up, but it's also like, I think it all plays into it. I don't know.

Speaker 2 What else do we want to talk about?

Speaker 2 I don't think I have too much else to say, honestly.

Speaker 2 Let me check with myself. I'm checking with my soul real quick.
You got nothing else to say?

Speaker 2 That was all. I'm going to Miami

Speaker 2 soon.

Speaker 2 Next week. I'm so excited.

Speaker 2 I'm so fucking excited. Really bad.
That's like a big update with my life.

Speaker 2 Also, this just that, okay, the Miami thought just like trickled me into thinking of this. There's so much more life to live.

Speaker 2 I've thought at certain points in my life, I've seen it all.

Speaker 2 I've seen most. Like, not as far as I've seen every place in life, but I've seen the nightlife.

Speaker 2 I've hung out with the celebrities. I've done the famous shit.
I've done the events. I've done the everything.

Speaker 2 And I've traveled a lot of places. And it's kind of like the same shit once you see it enough times.

Speaker 2 It's like you go to somewhere choppable, you go to the nightclubs, you go to a, it's like, if you're seeking seeking something more through that. It's going to feel empty.

Speaker 2 But like, if you just go to experience it, it's a time. But I've been in that whole spiral of like, I feel like I've seen it all.
Like, what more could happen? I've made money. I've lost money.

Speaker 2 I've made money again. Like, I've at certain points in my life been like, is this all? Like,

Speaker 2 I don't see a reason to keep going. There's so many more than you can even fucking fathom.
And as soon as you start to question that, as soon as you have that thought come in your head, is this it?

Speaker 2 That is the moment you do a fucking 180. You go somewhere completely different, a whole different direction.
That's what I've learned.

Speaker 2 You're at that point of like asking that question because you've walked down a certain path, you're not meant to go down. Turn the fuck around, go pick a different one.
Uh-uh.

Speaker 2 You're not, you're not thinking that. You're not doing that.
There's so much more life to live. And I've been an arrogant asshole.
It's not even like arrogance. I've been so depressed, hopeless.

Speaker 2 I'm like, is this all?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's so much more life to live. There's so many more things to do.

Speaker 2 Much, much more. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And I finally feel excited about going to Miami and like going to see what the hell happens. But like this time, I'm going with the intention to move.
So

Speaker 2 yeah, I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel like excited. And I feel like it's,

Speaker 2 how do you say?

Speaker 2 Much more life to live. I feel like I'm going to see some things.
And I've already started meeting people,

Speaker 2 which is weird. Like the connections I've been making recently

Speaker 2 are nuts.

Speaker 2 It's like everybody who needed to distance or scoot has scooted and people who needed to like fill in filled in.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's, I guess, one more thing I do want to talk about.

Speaker 2 But I don't. I don't want to talk about it.
My soul does, but I don't. Okay, we talk about it.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Okay. One thing I learned recently is the only way to be able able to love freely when you have a lot of love to give is for someone to invest in you first.
That's what I've learned.

Speaker 2 When I meet people,

Speaker 2 I love really hard. I love really, really hard.
And just like the way that I care about friends, people in general, like partners, you got to invest big time

Speaker 2 with me at the same time or first. I feel safer actually that I've learned because my friend who sent me this,

Speaker 2 now I have zero reservation around loving as hard as I love. It's a weird thing with people in the past.
I've always been the one who does more, gives more, is more, shows up more in every single way.

Speaker 2 I've been meeting people recently who are doing

Speaker 2 so much more for me.

Speaker 2 And I'm realizing I don't feel unsafe with it. I feel free.

Speaker 2 I feel free to love you, just genuinely how I do when I think of you and I want want to buy you something stupid or I want to see you or just I think about you. I'm texting you.
I'm calling you.

Speaker 2 Like whatever it is that I want to do for people and how I want to love them and care for them. I always felt like I had to hold back, like I had to manage and govern what was fair.

Speaker 2 And I didn't want to overextend myself because every time I've overextended myself to people who couldn't do the same for me back, I felt fucked over. I felt like I gave too much.
I felt stupid.

Speaker 2 So now it's like I'm realizing,

Speaker 2 no, it is nice to be invested in. It is nice to have people who can love at your level and like do more for you.
I don't feel anxious about it.

Speaker 2 I feel safe and relaxed to love you how I just normally would.

Speaker 2 I feel safe to be genuine with you and not have to hold back my heart and hold back certain things because I don't want to look at it like I'm being taken advantage of.

Speaker 2 when I don't get shit in return. I'm done feeling stupid.
So as soon as I kind of got to that point, universe is like, here, it's like chucking me all these people who are doing so much for me.

Speaker 2 Where it's like, I feel so goddamn calm how I can just genuinely be myself because I'm not over here worried about fucking myself over by giving so much to somebody who won't appreciate it or who won't do anything in return.

Speaker 2 So it's not even just about the birkin, it's kind of like a symbolic thing, and it's not just about money, it's like showing up for people and being there for them.

Speaker 2 Because my time and energy is very expensive, very expensive.

Speaker 2 And I'm not just saying financially, Like my energy and my time, what I can do and put it into myself, I could change my life in like 30 seconds.

Speaker 2 I'm being so dramatic, bro. Not really.
I could change my life pretty fucking quick. So for me to give any attention and effort and like money even to other people,

Speaker 2 I'm taking a lot from my life. to give to yours.
If you can't give to mine, what the fuck are we doing here? That's what I've learned to realize is like my energy is the most expensive.

Speaker 2 Because if I'm not happy, if I'm not like energized, I can't do what I'm supposed to do with life.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 yeah, that's just one thing I wanted to point out. Let people invest in you big time.

Speaker 2 But I don't fall into that thing of like feeling like, oh, I feel guilty. I feel in debt to people.

Speaker 2 Because I trust when I give things to people, it's just out of genuine like appreciation, love. Like I just want to do it.
I don't expect things in return.

Speaker 2 But I had to break that whole dynamic of like thinking everything was a transaction.

Speaker 2 And for someone to to give me something i felt uncomfortable i did say it a couple episodes ago when i bought this other bangle

Speaker 2 this is my receiving era i'm gonna receive some shit i've been doing enough i've been putting out enough being there for everybody time for me and boom here comes a birdkin

Speaker 2 also 8 000 orders and merch i can't wrap my mind around it still

Speaker 2 thank y'all so bad like holy shit

Speaker 2 i'm like i don't i don't have words like i can't articulate nothing yet i'm giving like stupid

Speaker 2 about that whole thing

Speaker 2 just know i'm very very appreciative more than i can explain in words but that's it i think for this episode that's all i got to say so if you want to get the merch you want to pre-wait it i'll put it in the description but leave me a comment and let me know

Speaker 2 what you thought of this episode i never typically ask that

Speaker 2 But I am curious. Like I want to see like

Speaker 2 if it made sense and like what you guys think about it but also we're gonna have to comment an emoji let's comment an orange because i gotta work in they come in the orange box so that's the emoji for this week if you made it all the way to the end come with the orange emoji but that's it love you so bad

Speaker 2 everybody be safe take care of yourself and i'll talk to you guys next sunday oh my god i'm so happy

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of AM P.M.
right now. And well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy, but I like it.

Speaker 2 Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all. So farewell, oatmeal.
So long, you strange, soggy breaks.

Speaker 3 Break up with planned breakfast and taste AMPM's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit, made with catrie eggs, smoked bacon, and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AMPM, too much good stuff.

Speaker 3 From wine country weekends to scenic drives through the Sierra foothills, fall is the perfect time to explore California. and there's no better way to do it than in a brand new Toyota hybrid.

Speaker 3 With 17 fuel-efficient options like the stylish all-hybrid Camry, the Adventure-Ready RAV 4 hybrid, or the spacious Grand Highlander hybrid, Toyota has the perfect ride for any adventure.

Speaker 3 Every new Toyota comes with Toyota Care, a two-year complementary scheduled maintenance plan, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and of course, Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 3 Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this fall. Toyota, let's go places.

Speaker 3 See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.