47. Life Unlocks After You Contemplate Ending It

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Hi, friends.

Somebody sent me a Birkin.

I decided to start the episode with that.

I can't get over it.

Can't believe it.

It's an ostrich Birkin.

It's vintage.

Like, my brain can't compute this.

Very nice gift.

Thank you.

So bad.

I no longer feel imposter syndrome when I tell y'all my analogy of don't give a Birkin to a crackhead.

That's when you give yourself to somebody who don't appreciate or understand and can't recognize your value.

It's like giving a Birken to a crackhead.

They don't understand the value of this type of bag.

They're just going to throw it around, beat it up, and trash it.

That's what people do with you when they can't appreciate you.

And then you start to question yourself.

Am I a Birkin?

Or am I just a Walmart bag that a crackhead got handed?

You know, don't ever question your value.

You a goddamn Birkin.

And an ostrich went at that.

I just had to start the video with this because holy shit, we got a Birkin.

Also, one more thing I want to throw out.

Pre-orders for merch are live.

And I didn't post the episode last week.

Sorry, girl.

I didn't have nothing to say.

My soul didn't want to talk.

I tried to record a couple episodes.

Nothing wanted to come out.

But pre-orders, there's already 8,000 orders.

So I've been losing my mind absolutely

for the past couple of days.

So everything's on pre-order right now, and there's already 8,000 orders.

I thought I was going to get like 2,000.

The amount of inventory I got to order.

I have a meeting tomorrow with my manufacturers.

But if you want to order anything, order it, and everything will ship in like two, three weeks.

I'll keep you posted, I'll keep you updated.

But I'll link it in the description where you can go shop.

Leoskepticcollection.com.

Oh, I just had to get that out and let you know.

So many things to celebrate and so many things I want to talk about.

I don't even really know where I want to go.

I just want to talk.

Like, I'm happy.

I want to hang out with you.

I want to talk and like

speak a little about

what's the name.

How do you say, like, suicide?

These guidelines, i'm gonna have to talk and dance around them but

there's such a gift in not wanting to be here you know what i'm saying i just can't speak around i can't say certain things online they'll bam me take me down forever

so

i've been like at that brink of not wanting to be here a lot of different times in my life where it was just all bad then it got real good then real bad and it felt like everything was just gone to shit and the whole thing of like trying to force yourself to feel better and all that i get it fully and i just i feel like there's something that wants to come out around this topic so i kind of just want to talk about it but the biggest thing i've learned okay the birkin perfect timing to have this sitting here with me we're just gonna hang out with it we're just gonna hold it a little

but this is like a superficial thing like it's just a material item yeah you can still appreciate it and love it but okay let me put you down i don't want to be like yelling in your ear But in life, when you don't have like secure connections with people, you attach to material objects.

And I understand that whole like dynamic.

I've talked about it before in episodes, but this is going to go all over the board.

I don't even know where we're going with it.

But basically,

when you're up against not wanting to be here anymore, wanting to unalive, you see no hope, no point, no nothing.

That moment is something that I now see as such a gift.

And I always saw it as such a curse.

Because once you have that thought of opting out of this life, it revisits you every single time you have something bad happen to you.

And I've never heard nobody talk about this.

So I want to do it so you don't feel so crazy.

It's like your safety net.

You know, if it gets bad enough, there's a way out.

It becomes an a weird, twisted, fucked up comfort that other people do not understand.

But it's also as a safety net, it's such a freeing thing because from my life, when I've been at points where I wanted to not be here no more, I didn't care about taking certain risks.

And that's exactly what got me out of being

suicidal.

How do I say it without getting in trouble?

But with that safety net thing, like the thought of it coming back every time things get bad, or like anytime you even start getting worried or doubtful, it's like you feel like you're falling back into that place.

It's just your brain's way of finding relief from what you're going through is what I've learned in life.

Like I used to start to freak out every time I would start to contemplate it again.

Like the idea would just pop back up into my head after I was doing okay for a minute.

I feel like I'm falling back into a certain hole or like a certain mindset.

And I'm like, oh, great, we're back here.

And like that thought will come back up of like opting out.

And I don't think that's something that will ever go away.

It's like once your brain has found that piece of relief, there is nothing like it.

There is nothing that will touch that just overwhelming peace that you feel when that thought crosses your mind when you're going through something catastrophic or you just do not want to be here.

Like if depression gets a hold of you, if your life's falling apart, if things just ain't going right,

as someone who's had my life fall apart multiple, many a time,

I get it.

But don't freak out.

I don't know why I want to say that.

Like, don't freak the fuck out if you have that thought come up.

Just look at it.

It's kind of like my alarm bell now

when I haven't had this thought or this feeling like in a few months.

And like at the beginning of the year, awful bad, right?

I already fucking told you about all this.

I've been telling you about it for the past like few months of episodes.

But a big part of that thought kind of coming up and like actually finding peace in it is I've learned it's like a big sense of isolation.

Like you've never had anyone to help you or be there for you and you don't feel like anyone can help you get out of it.

You don't feel like anyone can make you want to be here anymore.

You don't think anyone has the power to fix it.

Like, I've been at periods where I thought God turned his back on me, and I felt like he was just intentionally not fixing it.

Like, if he was as powerful as everybody says, where's the help, girl?

Like, what the fuck is the point?

He's not going to intervene.

I've always said this.

The teacher is silent during the test, but

typically, what I've learned from my experience is when you get that

to that point where you find relief in the thought of not being here,

your life as you know it needs to be let go of.

That's what you need to let go of.

Part of you has to die.

How you've been living has to die fully.

And you can't have like magic happen.

You can't have life get good when you're living away and like doing things in a way where you're not meant to do it.

Like when I was nursing, when I was a nurse, I was fucking miserable.

That's not the life path I'm meant to have.

So, a lot of times, like life, everybody has a purpose, and their soul is like your soul is dragging you toward what you are meant to be doing.

But if you are not in alignment, I hate that everybody says alignment doesn't align with that, but it's the fucking truth, okay?

It's the truth.

Your soul is dragging you to alignment.

And when you do something that's not what you're meant to be doing, your emotional system, you wanting to

pull your hair out,

Don't end up like me bald.

That's not what happened.

But being miserable is your sign, change something.

And I'm not talking like, oh, you're just a little uncomfortable, but you're working toward a goal.

If it's something you actually want, you push through, right?

But it's like that dread, that misery, that like, I don't want to get out the fucking bed.

That.

No.

You're not meant to be doing it.

Like the way that I was living my life earlier this year when I was talking about my whole addiction to cocaine and how I was using that substance to force through things.

You're not meant to force shit.

If it feels forced, don't do it.

And I've been living like that and I'm happier than ever.

I've been having more success than ever.

You got to get out of the way of things being lined up for you.

That's like the hardest thing and scariest thing for me because I was, like I said, with the whole, when the suicidal ideation comes up, it's like a pure hopelessness and you feel like you only have yourself to rely on.

Nobody's going to save you.

No one's going to help you.

And when you go around life, you think no one's going to help you be there for you.

It fixed nothing.

Nothing's going to go in your favor.

Nothing's going to line up for you.

Nothing's easy for you.

That's how I felt for so long.

But that's because I was over here thinking I knew everything.

I'm over here trying to force through things.

It's like, girl, just let Jesus take the wheel.

Is that what that song is?

Jesus take the wheel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take your hands off.

Put on cruise control.

Let your soul put the cruise control on and take you where you need to go.

You push the little gas here and there when you need to.

You hit the brake, you hit the gas.

Yeah.

You might help turn a little bit, but you gotta just like let your soul just drive you there.

That's not even the point of all this, is it?

There is no fucking point.

We're just talking.

So, I also want to talk about

with like that safety net of like the thought popping up.

And if you've been to the point of not wanting to be here, you were broken open.

And that's one thing I want to point out.

There is a clear distinction in people of who has been up against

suicidal thoughts and who hasn't.

There's

such

a difference in the type of people.

There's a level of strength that's different, but it's just like a perspective on life.

And when you're broken open like that, you are molded and taught exactly how to be connected to people.

You are taught to value connection over all other shit.

Like, yeah, I have my birth-in.

The person who sent it to me, I'm more connected to.

That's the important thing.

It's just like a reflection of the connection.

But this, like, material stuff, you appreciate it and you have fun with life.

Like, me over here excited about this.

Woo!

Like, you feel the emotions, you feel happy.

Cause like yesterday, you didn't know if it was your last day.

It teaches you how to live.

It teaches you how to be grateful.

It teaches you how to like feel moments and feel experiences.

This ain't even about the birkin.

Don't make it superficial like that.

But me sharing my joy on TikTok and Instagram, just like going through life, having a good time, sharing the anger, sharing the happy, sharing the everything.

This whole pattern of like getting up against those thoughts, it breaks you open to experiencing life.

And I know that's like a weird, like silver lining, never silver lining, gold lining way to look at it, but it's the truth.

It teaches you how to live and it teaches you how to connect to people.

It teaches you what's important in this life.

And

I don't think there's anything that's stronger to really wake you up and break you the fuck open

to

what this life is supposed to be, which is experienced and felt.

You're supposed to feel this life.

And

every moment, like it teaches you how to appreciate things.

And also,

something I've been learning about my personality and people's personalities around me.

When you've been through real bad shit and you've been through an abusive type thing, you've been through abuse.

You've almost been like killed.

If there's certain things that have happened in life, you've been through extreme danger, like abusive things, whatever.

That teaches you such an appreciation for life too.

It's like, it's so weird how everybody's always focused on the negative of when bad things happen, what it does to you.

It traumatizes.

You got to heal from that.

It breaks you the fuck open.

That's what I've learned to accept and realize.

It's like,

I'm only able to be as happy as I am because I've not thought I was going to be alive tomorrow at certain times.

And I've truly felt it.

And I've not wanted to be here.

So like, it's like a bittersweet thing where it breaks you open to actually experiencing life and experiencing the happy.

And the thing I want to talk about with the personality types, let me get back on track with that.

People who have been through a lot, like

they're the funniest people.

Sorry.

Like every comedian is like fucked up.

They've been through something bad.

But also, if you look at most of the big personalities online, like if you look at the show Mob Wives, all them bitches tracked out crazy, but they're funny because they've got that element of like they've seen danger like that.

They've had their life be at risk.

They've had people taken from them in the blink of an eye.

And I'm sure everybody watching this, everybody can relate.

If you relate to what I say, you've seen the dark side of life.

Well, it's seen you.

It's dragged you into it.

But we funny as hell.

We are.

We have a good time.

Like we will piss ourselves laughing going to the grocery store.

Like when I'm out doing things with my sister, we have a hoot.

We have a good time it's like it kind of breaks open the element of your personality where you just don't give a fuck like truly you just have fun it's like you see the little moments in life it's like okay

yeah there's a big level of unsafety

but

it's like living inside of a cage life outside of a cage is scarier than life inside of a cage and if you imagine being out in a field like just imagine being like in the middle of a safari.

And there's like lions and tigers and bears.

Oh my, there's like elephants and shit.

There's wildlife.

There's critters.

There's little scorpions.

I don't know.

Where the fuck are we at?

I'm just painting the scene.

I don't know.

But imagine being out in a field with all the danger in life.

You don't know what it is.

And you're like there's a big giant cage around you where nothing can get you.

You feel safe because you're in a cage.

But you're trapped in a cage.

You don't have freedom.

A lot of people are obsessed with the idea of freedom.

But if you take that cage off, you gotta face the lions, the tigers, the bears, everything around in the fucking desert, wherever we're at.

I don't know where I painted this scene, but you get what I'm saying.

In order to be free, you have to face the damage, the destruction, the fear, all the bad things that could fuck you up, or just sit there in the cage.

It takes a certain type of person to live life without a cage.

And this can also go for routines and mindsets and jobs and certain structures and self-punishment certain mindsets can be a cage too because imagine you just let yourself off the leash mentally what the would you turn into life without that cage life without that leash tied around yourself is absolutely terrifying and it takes very very strong people to be able to live outside of that cage everybody's obsessed with freedom no it's like everybody says everybody want to be fetty whop nobody want to lose an eye everybody want to be free nobody wants to face what's outside the cage there's also happiness outside the cage but you got to be like a certain type of person to be able to withstand it and handle it.

And if you've been up against suicide and you've been

up against really destructive shit in your life, you're the type of person who's been broken open to handle it.

And you're not going to get it.

You're not going to think about it.

You're not going to see it.

But I also don't want it to be like a thing where I'm saying, oh, you've been forged to be strong enough.

It's not that you have to go fight through life.

You just have to be strong enough to handle anything.

And the level of strength that we have, if you relate to things that I say, the level of strength we have is not something that we have to exude.

We're just normally like naturally strong people.

We look at other people.

We're like, how the fuck can you not deal with that?

Like, I don't get it.

That's a level of strength that we have.

That's just like forged in us.

It's a part of us.

So I want this to be a bit of encouragement, but also.

The example with the cage thing.

Anybody who's living outside the cage,

anybody living outside of any kind of like societal norms and just like normal

yeah it's terrifying really bad but everybody's funny that's doing it like everybody's truly living who's outside of the cage but it's not all gumdrops and roses it's guns and roses it is it is birkins and roses

Also, one more thing I want to talk about is like the perspective of what matters.

When you've like dealt with wanting to not be here no more,

oh my god it's hard it's real difficult when you're around people who don't have the

like same priorities as you where certain things mean a lot to other people and you see people chase certain things and you're like girl it's empty but you can't tell them that if someone has a desire for something you can't talk them out of it You just have to help them get there and then they'll open their eyes, they'll wake up to it.

There's no change in somebody's mind about something that they want.

That's the funny thing about desires because there's certain things that i've wanted that my perspective changed once i got it that you couldn't have talked me out of doing it like i had to experience it i wanted it

but that's what's hard is after you've been like broken open to life and you can feel it and you're excited and you can like recognize other people you're broken open for connection you realize how void this life is of people who are capable of actual connection

people are chasing so much shit that don't make no sense.

Like, it genuinely doesn't.

And I don't know why I want to talk about this, but it's like going out and going to clubs and going to party.

When me and my friend group go to party, we going to party.

We're not going to hook up with nobody.

That's something that irritates the fucking shit out of me is people who are so overrun by wanting to hook up.

Like you go out with certain guys and all they want to do is find girls.

It's like if they go home without a girl at the end of the night, their self-esteem is like shot they're miserable they had an awful time it doesn't matter they spent so much at the section it doesn't matter who was there what fun they had they weren't having fun they were going out on a mission when i go out i want to go audi i want to have a good time

i'm not over here trying to get my diddle fiddled i don't want to deal with that i play with it myself i got friends

I'm just not someone that's in the hookup culture and I don't understand it.

I don't understand how sexual desires can be so strong to get people so out of character and get people so blind where they don't enjoy life.

All they want to do is like hook up.

It is sex is an addiction.

I understand that, but there's been periods in my life way back when where I would hook up and do my thing, but

I don't understand the whole being overrun by it.

And I feel like that's something you only understand after you've been broken open.

Like you see that it's empty.

You see so many things as empty and it's like watching people go around.

It's like, y'all, so fucking boring.

I want to go have a time.

I want everybody I'm with to have fun.

We're going to get drunk.

We're going to have a party.

We're going to dance.

We're going to have fun.

Like, I want to go have experiences.

I want to go experience life.

Like, I don't care about the hidden motives.

I don't like that shit.

Like, I don't have fun with people who are just going to fuck.

Like, I don't like that.

I don't like being around you.

Go away.

Because you come back in a pissy little mood because you got rejected.

That's something that bothers me a lot.

It's like the whole sex thing.

I don't,

I don't have like a desire for it or a drive for it incessantly like other people.

Like I'm not sexually uncontrolled.

And I'm not meaning to like shade anybody when I say this.

It's something I genuinely don't understand.

And I think it's because my life is so exciting in so many other ways.

I don't need that for excitement.

Like.

To go hook up with somebody,

I've got people in my DMs all the time.

I've got all the porn stars in my fucking DMs.

It's like, I don't know if it's, I know I can get it if I want it that makes me not really care.

But also, like, I have so much fun with life.

I don't know what it is.

Like, I think there's some kind of advantage I don't see.

That's why I don't look at people too harsh when I judge them about it.

Cause I'm like, it's empty, but like, that's your lesson to learn.

I don't know.

Like, it's just empty shit.

And I don't like that.

But this whole topic, like, when I do something superficial, it's for fun.

It's to experience it when i go buy some stupid woo because we're going to have fun like i want to enjoy having it enjoy wearing it i don't use things as like a crutch how like people need designer

to feel good about themselves i don't wear logo clothing on my day-to-day i wear a black tank top

These sweatpants.

You've seen them in every video.

This is my uniform and I wear Timberlands.

I don't wear nothing flashy logo clothes.

I wear gold jewelry because I like it.

But my whole self-esteem is not dependent on designer logos and fashion.

Like, there's some people who are annoying about it.

I appreciate it, though.

Like, I love designer clothes.

I love, like, I love the fuckiness of it.

Like, it's fun.

It's a good time.

But, like, is that all you got?

Like, most of the people you go out, people with Birkins, they're boring.

They're real fucking boring.

Like, they have no substance to them.

They have, like, no life.

They just like buy this thing to be associated with high status and luxury and they think it makes them important

they think having something that is so sought after and desired makes them more interesting it doesn't i don't give a who you are if you go out of birking i want to go have a good time if you ain't capable of that i'm bored and that's the type people i can't be around anybody who's boring i don't like it let's go have fun you know let's have some deep conversations let's talk about some twisted shit people with also with sense of humor, yeah, you could tell people's sense of humor who ain't been through nothing.

They'd be offended.

They'd be all upset.

I make jokes about everything.

It's a good time.

Like, my sense of humor is like twisted and fucked up, but it's also like, I think it all plays into it.

I don't know.

What else do you want to talk about?

I don't think I have too much else to say, honestly.

Let me check with myself.

I'm checking with my soul real quick.

You got nothing else to say?

That was all.

I'm going to Miami

soon

next week i'm so excited

i'm so fucking excited really bad that's like a big update with my life also this just that okay the miami thought just like trickled me into thinking of this there's so much more life to live

i've thought at certain points in my life i've seen it all

I've seen most.

Like, not as far as I've seen every place in life, but I've seen the nightlife.

I've hung out with the celebrities.

I've done the famous shit.

I've done the events.

I've done the everything.

And I've traveled a lot of places.

And it's kind of like the same shit once you see it enough times.

It's like you go to somewhere choppable, you go to the nightclubs, you go to a, it's like, if you're seeking something more

through that, it's going to feel empty.

But like, if you just go to experience it, it's a time.

But I've been in that whole spiral of like, I feel like I've seen it all.

Like, what more could happen?

I've made money.

I've lost money.

I've made money again like i've at certain points in my life been like is this all like i don't see a reason to keep going there's so many more than you can even fathom and as soon as you start to question that as soon as you have that thought come in your head is this it that is the moment you do a 180 you go somewhere completely different a whole different direction that's what i've learned you're at that point of like asking that question because you've walked down a certain path you're not meant to go down turn the fuck around go pick a different one.

Uh-uh.

You're not, you're not thinking that.

You're not doing that.

There's so much more life to live.

And I've been an arrogant asshole.

It's not even like arrogance.

I've been so depressed, hopeless.

I'm like, is this all?

Yeah, there's so much more life to live.

There's so many more things to do.

Much, much more.

Oh my God.

And I finally feel excited.

about going to Miami and like going see what the hell happens.

But like this time I'm going with the intention to move.

So

yeah, I don't know what's going to happen, but I feel like like excited.

And I feel like it's,

how do you say,

much more life to live.

I feel like I'm going to see some things and I've already started meeting people,

which is weird.

Like the connections I've been making recently

are nuts.

It's like everybody who needed this distance or scoot has scooted and people who needed to like fill in filled in

oh That's I guess one more thing I do want to talk about

but I don't.

I don't want to talk about it.

My soul does, but I don't.

Okay, we talk about it.

Oh.

Okay.

One thing I learned recently is the only way to be able to love freely when you have a lot of love to give is for someone to invest in you first.

That's what I've learned.

When I meet people,

I love really hard.

I love really, really hard.

And just like the way that I care about friends, people in general, like partners, you got to invest big time

with me at the same time or first.

I feel safer actually that I've learned because my friend who sent me this,

now I have zero reservation around loving as hard as I love.

It's a weird thing with people in the past.

I've always been the one who does more, gives more, is more, shows up more in every single way.

I've been meeting people recently who are doing

so much more for me.

And I'm realizing I don't feel unsafe with it.

I feel free.

I feel free to love you, just genuinely how I do when I think of you and I want to buy you something stupid or I want to see you or just I think about you.

I'm texting you.

I'm calling you.

Like whatever it is that I want to do for people and how I want to love them and care for them.

I always felt like I had to hold back, like I had to manage and govern what was fair.

And I didn't want to overextend myself because every time I've overextended myself to people who couldn't do the same for me back, I felt fucked over.

I felt like I gave too much.

I felt stupid.

So now it's like I'm realizing.

No, it is nice to be invested in.

It is nice to have people who can love at your level and like do more for you.

I don't feel anxious about it.

I feel safe and relaxed to love you how I just normally would.

I feel safe to be genuine with you and not have to hold back my heart and hold back certain things because I don't want to look at it like I'm being taken advantage of when I don't get shit in return.

I'm done feeling stupid.

So as soon as I kind of got to that point, the universe is like, here it's like chucking me all these people who are doing so much for me where it's like, I feel so goddamn calm how I can just genuinely be myself because I'm not over here worried about fucking myself over by giving so much to somebody who won't appreciate it or who won't do anything in return.

So it's not even just about the burckin.

It's kind of like a symbolic thing.

And it's not just about money.

It's like showing up for people and being there for them.

Because my time and energy is very expensive, very expensive.

And I'm not just saying financially, like my energy and my time, what I can do and put it into myself, I could change my life in like 30 seconds.

I'm being so dramatic, bro.

Not really.

I could change my life pretty fucking quick.

So for me to give any attention and effort and like money even to other people,

I'm taking a lot from my life to give to yours.

If you can't give to mine, what the fuck are we doing here?

That's what I've learned to realize is like my energy is the most expensive.

Because if I'm not happy, if I'm not like energized, I can't do what I'm supposed to do with life.

So

yeah, that's just one thing I wanted to point out.

Let people invest in you big time.

But I don't fall into that thing of like feeling like, oh, oh i feel guilty i feel in debt to people

because i trust when i give things to people it's just out of genuine like appreciation love like i just want to do i don't expect things in return but i had to break that whole dynamic of like thinking everything was a transaction and for someone to give me something i felt uncomfortable i did say it a couple episodes ago when i bought this other bangle

This is my receiving era.

I'm going to receive some shit.

I've been doing enough.

I've been putting out enough, being there for everybody, typing me.

And boom, here comes the bird.

also 8 000 orders and merch i can't wrap my mind around it still

thank y'all so bad like holy

i'm like i don't i don't have words like i can't articulate nothing yet i'm giving like stupid

about that whole thing just know i'm very very appreciative more than i can explain in words But that's it, I think, for this episode.

It's all I got to say.

So if you want to get the merch, you want to pre-wait it, I'll put it in the description.

but leave me a comment and let me know

what you thought of this episode i never typically ask that

but i am curious like i want to see like

if it made sense and like what you guys think about it

but also we're gonna have to comment an emoji let's comment an orange because i gotta barking they come in an orange box so That's the emoji for this week.

If you made it all the way to the end, come with the orange emoji.

But that's it.

Love you so bad.

Everybody, be safe, take care of yourself, and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

Oh my god, I'm so happy.