38. Disappointments Don't Break You Down, They Break You OPEN

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hi friends yes i've been up to no good and yes i'm here to tell you about it i'm wearing the shirt where most of the things i'm about to tell you about happened in so i could channel it right for you you know what i mean a lot of big things happened i had a couple of disappointments like very very big disappointing things happen

and i want to tell you how new me dealt with it because old me and new me were going at it and i'm hoping if i can articulate like what happened inside me i want you to know about it so you can handle disappointments better because disappointments fix themselves.

And I'm about to tell you about it.

But I just went to click record and I noticed that my mic has a dent because I brought this and my podcast equipment with me to Houston.

We're about to get there with the whole trip, but I brought my stuff with me to record.

Hi, I'm a couple days late.

But this got crushed in my bag.

Looks like somebody bit it.

Don't look at that.

Okay, so where do I start?

First disappointment.

Here we go.

So last Tuesday, a company reached out to me through my email and my sister, she's my new manager now, and my sister was like, hey, fun, we got an opportunity.

It's a paid opportunity.

This company invites me to go to New York.

They invite to fly me out and go to this big fight, this big thing that's happening in Times Square.

I'm like, okay, what is this about?

She goes, there's like 300,000 people supposed to be there.

It's going to be like a huge thing.

It's a paid opportunity for you to go.

And I was like, okay, how much?

A good amount.

Nice.

And I kind of was like, hey, because last week I told you guys I ended my podcast deal and all that.

Also, I want to clarify, the podcast deal was for the audio side.

The ads that I have on the YouTube side, YouTube throws those in because I have my videos monetized.

You pay for the YouTube premium.

I don't know.

That's what I pay for.

So I don't see no ads.

But on the audio version of my podcast, it's uncensored.

I don't bleep up the swear words.

And there's no more ads on there.

I still gotta make a little something.

Are you all right with that?

This is how you could tell we love each other because we could fuck with each other.

Anyway, I start thinking, whoa, so this happened fast.

This opportunity came in.

Okay, I guess we're going to New York in two days.

Tell me, my sister.

She's emailing me back and forth.

And they're like, okay, this is what it's about.

We're going to pay for the hotels and the flights and everything, whatever.

So I'm in the mood to travel.

I'm feeling like, yeah, whoa, this is fun.

Like the universe just supplied something to me.

I get in the mood to travel.

I'm ready.

I'm like, okay, so in two days, I most likely am getting on a flight to New York.

We're just waiting on the confirmation email.

I wake up Wednesday morning, the next day, and they told us, oh, our budget's already been spent.

Sorry.

Like, basically, the invites, like, no more.

We cool?

So, the opportunity got ripped away like that.

I didn't even get like an hour to be disappointed.

I was very much bummed out.

I was going through all those emotions of like, fucking, what the fuck, universe?

Like, how are you gonna dangle this in front of my face?

I was like, as soon as I get excited for it, you take it.

That is a weird thing I've had from the past where it's like, I've been scared to get excited about things because I'm so worried they'll be taken.

Like, I don't get excited about nothing or count money until it's in my pocket.

I don't count it till I have it.

I don't get excited about opportunities till I'm on the plane there.

Till I'm there, I'm not excited.

And then I get there and I'm like, well, okay, it's safe to trust it.

Now I can get excited.

I don't have to feel safe with things to be excited anymore.

So this is like the new mindset.

The old mindset before I'd have been mad as hell.

And I was starting to have those thoughts of like, wait, huh?

Cause like it's very much, this is in line.

This is proof of with how I used to look at life and believe things.

If you get excited, it's going to get snatched.

So don't get excited.

Cause I posted a TikTok and I was like, oh my God,

we're going on a little trip to New York.

And then I was like, is this a public kind of embarrassment thing my soul wants to do with me?

I get excited about this thing and then it gets taken from me and i already went and ran my mouth about it i was like i should have just never got excited and never said nothing and then i was like no i'm not thinking like that let's just see what happens all of a sudden bink my phone goes off my manufacturer in houston messages me hey your first samples came in for your t-shirt and your tank tops, the women's and the men's versions.

I was like, wait a minute, wait a fucking minute.

this was wednesday they said okay tomorrow on thursday we can ship them out to you you won't get them until next week i said uh-uh i'm already in the mood to travel i'm coming it's a four-hour drive i'm coming to houston i will come see them in person i'm not sitting here waiting four days for him to get shipped because it's the weekend no i was very excited and i was like hey maybe this was like the thing that was supposed to happen Like I got in the mood to travel and I probably wouldn't have been this excited.

It's like I had something to make up for.

It's like I felt disappointed and I was like, the excitement about this, I was like, no hesitation.

I'm driving to Houston.

I'm going to go make myself feel bad.

I'm going to go see my samples.

You know what I mean?

That wasn't the last disappointment.

Okay.

Bad news.

But that was the first disappointment.

And so it like kind of fixed itself with like the opportunity came up to go see my clothing.

I was like, okay, wait.

Hey, this is kind of more fun.

Yeah, I'm not going to make money off of this like brand opportunity to go to this event.

Okay, whatever.

I don't care.

This is much more fun because then I was like,

you know what?

Let me text all my girls and all my friends that are in Houston because I want to have fun.

Like, if we're going to go, we're going to do business on Friday and then let's party.

Let's have a weekend, you know?

So I text all my friends.

Everybody's free.

Everybody's in town.

Most of the time, all the girls are traveling, doing this, doing that.

Everybody's in town.

So everybody starts planning the whole weekend.

Now I'm going to give you more details that lead to the next disappointment about the clothing.

So for the t-shirts, I had planned to drop a custom t-shirt and I only made a thout.

Well, I was only going to make a thousand of them and have it be like an introduction to my whole clothing line and everything that's coming about.

I'm upgrading from merch to clothing line and I'm like, this will be fun.

I'll do a limited drop of only a thousand.

It's like a little taste you can get.

of what we're moving into, you know, because the shirts are from Turkey.

I was like, they're going to be quality boots.

They're not going to be be too expensive but they're gonna be nice and my soul the other day a couple days before this my soul gave me this whole visual of the photo shoot for the shirts i saw my two friends in it with me we were all in the shirt i am styling all them different and we're at a warehouse i see the lighting i see the vibe i see my car i see the whole vibe of the whole shoot and i was a little bit bummed out that day i was like i don't know what's about to happen with the photo shoot i can't really think of nothing and then i kind of just like let it go and i was like whatever i went and ran errands like kind of like down but i was like all right whatever and then my mood lifted and i started getting the visual and i saw it all and i was like oh my god so i call my friends my two friends that i had like planned to be in a shoot with they're both like we're down we'll fly in and we'll come be in the shoot i was like woo yay perfect this is lining up for the shoot for the shirt Then at night, that night, I get to ordering stuff online.

Cause I'm like, I get to dress everybody.

I get to design everybody's outfits and everybody's everything.

So I need jewelry boots.

I started ordering like a bunch of jewelry for the girls.

I want bracelets.

I want necklaces.

I want ponytails, big hair, leather, skin tight stuff.

And I'm like, I want boots.

I need to go find different kind of boots that I want the girls in.

I don't know.

I need to bring options.

I got to provide for this, you know?

So I'm so excited.

My soul's with me.

We giddy as hell.

We on the couch.

We playing some music.

I'm ordering stuff.

I'm seeing the shoot.

I'm picking everybody's outfits.

I feel so aligned in it.

I'm like, this, yes, fully.

This is is going to happen.

I met up with a photographer the next day, the one that I told you all about in the last episode.

He's cool as shit.

Everything went great.

I have him on the same vibe and vision with me for this shoot for the t-shirt.

He's fully down.

He's starting to look at venues, look at places we can do it, making calls, doing all these things.

I'm planning in my head.

I'm on the way to Houston.

So excited.

So goddamn excited because I'm like, I see this coming to life.

I'm not having to force nothing.

My soul is kind of like, just like throwing it to me.

And my creative is just like running wild.

I'm so excited for this, you know?

So I get to Houston on Thursday.

I booked a cute Airbnb.

Wasn't too expensive.

I was shocked.

But I booked Airbnb till Sunday.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm going to leave Sunday.

I'm going to be real business, real responsible.

I'm going to go up Thursday, do business Friday.

Party Friday, party Saturday, and leave Sunday.

And I was planning on recording the podcast episode like Sunday morning, driving home, editing it, and then having it up by like 8 p.m.

on Sunday.

Things take a turn.

There's a lot of turns.

This shit was like jolting me back and forth.

But I'm not giving you useless details.

You know me when I tell a story.

I set a scene for you.

And every detail has some kind of fucking twist that's got to it.

So it's Thursday.

And me and my friends are like, let's go to Denny.

And then maybe we'll go out.

Maybe we'll do like a casual little like chill lounge or something.

You know, i'm not the type when it comes to business to fuck around at all i'm very respectful of everybody's time and i like to be very level-headed like clear so i did not want to go out and drink a bunch and then wake up and be at the meeting hungover at 11 in the morning 10 30 in the morning whenever it was but

we went to dinner and then we went to a nice little chill spot And then we went to a not so chill spot on Thursday night.

And I drank, had a blast.

We had such a good time I'm over here living in the excitement everything going on I'm like whoo my clothing tomorrow is gonna be perfect I don't even need to stress about showing up mr.

clean perfect level headed everything if I'm a little hungover okay so be it I'm not gonna take it too far where I'm like hungover dying you know I don't get drunk in public anymore because I'm online now you can't you can't let nobody catch you slipping you know and I wear nice jewelry out you think I'm gonna be caught drunk out no if there's gonna be a problem I'm gonna make sure I'm there to handle it mentally and physically.

I am a little bit hungover for the meeting, but I always hydrate before I go to sleep and when I wake up.

So I have a liquid IV packet or like a, what's it called?

The other one, Pediolite.

One of the two, whichever the store has, I'll get it.

And I'll drink one before I go to sleep and then I'll drink one when I wake up.

That's the biggest thing with a hangover.

And take your ibuprofen.

So whatever.

I hydrate.

I get to my meeting.

They take me on a little tour of the whole like warehouse and and everything going on.

A friend of mine owns the warehouse.

So I saw it when he first opened it two years ago and I saw it now.

And I'm so proud of him with like the whole evolution of everything.

He's killed it.

But they take me into the little office and I see my t-shirts.

There's two versions that they printed on.

So it's a black t-shirt and then there was a print.

But there was supposed to be a black shiny print on it and then a metallic gold print on it, like gold foil.

I had this planned out.

It was going to be real nice.

But the issue with the shirts is they aren't able to print

what I want on the shirt all over the shirt.

So I had the design to be all over the chest, the shoulders, the back, the front, and down.

So like I had a design that contoured down to a V and the front and the back.

So it contours your body.

Makes you look sickening, feels sickening.

Like it snatches you.

with an optical illusion.

That's how I like to dress.

That's how I'm going to make things.

I'm gonna make everything look good on everybody.

I see the shirts.

They can only do basically, if you're watching this on the YouTube version, this much, if you're listening on the audio version, kind of like a square on your chest.

They can only print the middle of the front and basically the middle of the back.

So the whole design that I had was like squished into those two spots.

And I was looking at the shirts and I was like,

damn, is this as big as we can actually print it?

And they were like, Yes, because these t-shirts are already made.

So, the reason I chose these shirts is because they already had these made, and I loved the quality of them and the fit and everything.

And we thought, everybody thought that I could print what I wanted on them.

But

come to find out, they found out when I did, we were all like shit at the same moment.

The shirts have to be made from scratch to have the design that I want them to have.

So

once I heard that, I was like, damn.

My stomach kind of fell into my ass a little bit.

You know, like when you do like a slingshot ride and your stomach drops, it's kind of like that.

You go on a roller coaster real high, like goes over, it goes down real fast, like when your stomach drops.

Yeah, my stomach fell into my ass.

And I was like, oh.

And I could kind of like hear my soul.

And I was just like.

Cut your loss.

Scrap it.

So I told the team, you know what?

Let's scrap the t-shirts.

We're not going to do them.

Because the tank tops were sitting there.

Whoa, baby.

So my friend Kenzie was with me.

I didn't know the women's tank tops were supposed to be done.

So she was there to try on the women's.

The women's was absolutely perfect.

Fit her exactly.

This is going to fit every body type too.

And I'm going to have models for everything so everybody can see.

But for me, I tried mine on.

Only thing I have to change is the cut like underneath the armpit, make it a little bigger, and then make the straps a little bit smaller and then they're perfect but the disappointment of the shirts not being able to happen at all started to kind of hit me and i started to like dissociate a little bit from what everybody was saying because my whole timeline of everything i had just been planning and seeing and feeling was in alignment like with my soul planning this whole fucking shoot and i'm over here ordering things for the t-shirt shoot

i'm like dissociated a little bit And I kind of like go numb and I'm like noticing what my brain is doing.

My brain was trying to panic, but my body was so still.

My nervous system don't react to disappointment anymore with the whole,

oh my God, it's like a disappointment, but it's like catastrophic because I feel all this weight fall on top of me where I have to be the one to fix everything, where I have to force everything.

I don't live like that anymore.

The shirts didn't come out how I wanted them to.

To get them to come out how I want them to will take another two months.

The whole point was to have something to launch now, you know?

But the tank tops are coming out sooner than I thought.

But the whole thing of the t-shirts, having everything that had just been planned out in my head, everything that I felt be immediately wiped out, like it's not going to happen.

That was weird for me because my body was not reacting.

I wasn't anxious.

I wasn't like freaking out like I would be.

I wasn't pissed off.

I wasn't like, oh my God, the universe is against me.

My soul is stupid.

This is how old me was like trying to take over mentally.

I I don't know how to separate this, like what was going on.

My brain was thinking all this shit, but my mind and my body was like solid.

I don't know if your mind and your brain are the same thing, but I have to give you some kind of reference point so I don't sound crazy.

I think that's the least of my worries at this point.

But my brain is having all these thoughts, like all the catastrophic, what is it, catastrophizing thoughts.

You know how when we get disappointed, how we used to be, we would start like, the world is fucking ending.

And you start second-guessing everything that you've been trusting that you've been feeling.

It's like, why did I feel like this was so aligned?

Why did this?

Why did that?

Why did I even see this fucking photo shoot?

If right now it's not going to happen.

Then my brain starts thinking it's a punishment.

But my mind was there at the same time, like the solid version of me now, where it's like, my nervous system don't react to shit like that because it ain't how I live no more.

I don't believe those things anymore.

It's like the last little bit of those thoughts showed up, and I saw that I'm no longer impacted because I should have been so much more upset and I was so confused why I wasn't.

I was like, what the hell?

So anyway, we finished the meeting.

I see some other stuff that we're working on.

We're talking about things.

I just wanted to kind of like leave so I could sort out what I was thinking and feeling.

I was like, you know what?

I'll email you guys like next steps of like what I want to do, but I got to go sit down and take in and adjust to the whole timeline of everything shifting.

But as of right now, let's scrap the shirts.

If we can't get them how I want, like, don't worry about it.

Maybe we'll do them for another drop later.

We'll keep the design.

But as far as trying to rush them out and get them done, if we can't do it, scrap it.

Anyway, I leave, me and Kenzie get in the car and I start talking to her.

And I was like, girl, why am I not as bummed out as I should be?

Because like logically,

I should be like freaking out.

Like I knew.

my brain, how long I've lived my whole life.

I'm like, but this is totally different.

And she's like, no, it's fine.

Like, I get why you think think you should be freaking out but the tanks are perfect and everything's going according to plan and she was like i'm so proud of you like seeing this whole warehouse and everything and like everything y'all had pulled up on the computers and everything you're designing and doing she was like holy she's like i'm gonna go ahead and reassure you you have nothing to be freaking out about because of everything else i saw like you're totally fine hearing her say that was reassurance of like what my soul felt like the stable solid part of me in my mind what everything i was like not wavering about is what she said.

But my logical mind just kept running.

And I was hungover a little bit.

So when you're hungover, you're more sensitive to your emotions.

Even at a weakened, like, state, a more vulnerable state, my old thought process couldn't even fuck with me.

Like, my old beliefs couldn't even come through.

So I was like, it's kind of nice.

Like, I don't know why I'm so confident.

and not scared.

Yeah, I might be a little disappointed, but for whatever reason, I'm fine walking forward because

so much has happened.

I know this isn't for nothing, you know?

And like the way my new brain is that I've rewired it, I was like, I don't know.

I'm just going to trust it.

Maybe I'm a delusional dumbass, but every time I've been delusional, it's kind of fixed itself.

Like this disappointment, hmm.

It low-key needed to happen like this.

Because if I had waited four more days to get the packages in the mail and then saw the samples, I would have been way more blindsided and like off guard.

But the fact that I drove up the next day and was there and saw them in person and saw everybody there and I could talk with them.

And also I could tell them exactly what I wanted different with the tank tops in person.

And they could measure it on me and measure it on Kenzie.

Like everything lined up because we were there.

It went better.

And that jolt of like shifting from the t-shirt launch no longer being a thing.

Had I waited those four days to get it in the mail, I would have been buying so much more shit.

I probably would have already booked a venue.

So if I really look at it, I'm glad I followed my like gut to go to Houston when I did.

I saw it as like a disappointment a little, but I saw what it prevented me from doing because I would have been way more in about the t-shirt launch.

So this was like a abrupt redirection, but I'm glad it happened when it did and as harsh as it did and so like just fast.

So it seemed like a disappointment.

But I don't feel like it was.

I call my sister.

I called a photographer.

I let them know.

Hey, pause.

This is what's going on.

I'm not going to stress about the tank top launch and like switching everything.

I'm not going to worry about it until I get home.

I'm here to have fun.

So, regardless about the t-shirt, I'm going to go have fun tonight.

It's Friday night.

I'm going to go have a good time.

That's what I'm here for.

I was here for the business part.

I did it.

What happened happened, but I'm going to go have fun.

For me to even be able to do that is insane.

Because before a disappointment would hit me and I would have drove home that night.

I would have been so over it and so I'm not going to be able to go have fun at the club or like do anything.

I don't even want to go to dinner.

I would have been so pissed off, irritated, heartbroken, disappointed.

I would not have been able to go out.

So for me to be like, okay,

I'm going to deal with it when I get home.

I have so much trust in myself now and so much trust in everything.

It's like nice that I experienced it.

I'm like, hey, it was like a very reassuring thing with myself.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Hey, this is kind of nice.

So after the meeting, I drove and dropped Kenzie off.

And then I went back to my Airbnb because we had plans for that night.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm kind of tired, you know?

So maybe I'll go take a nap.

The fact that I could even fall asleep and I wasn't an anxious wreck freaking out was crazy.

But I wake up from my nap.

It's like 5 p.m.

And that's one thing I don't do no more is rest and then stab myself mentally punishing myself for resting.

If I need to rest, if I I need a nap, I'm going to take a fucking nap.

I don't do the whole guilt thing anymore, you know, of like the shame.

Your soul can't thrive through shame.

So because I was tired, I did my meeting.

Okay.

I didn't have nothing else to do.

So I went and took a fucking nap.

I was tired.

So I honored that.

I went and took a nap.

If you beat yourself up for taking a nap, why?

For what?

If you need to rest, rest.

Don't be lazy if you asked it.

But like, if you got to take a nap, take a nap.

I'm texting my mom and my sister and they're like, oh my God, we're so sorry about the whole t-shirt thing.

Like they were so disappointed for me and were comforting me so much because they were like knowing how old me would have been impacted by this.

But I was over here on the phone texting them.

I'm like, what's everybody acting like it's a big deal about?

Like, it's not the end of the world.

It was really a nice moment.

For me to have this realization and like the awareness and kind of like the experience of myself.

That's what it was.

I was experiencing myself

not be crippled by a disappointment that would have crippled me in the past.

This is where it gets funny.

I don't know what the hell happened because, last thing I know, I'm sitting on the couch with a box of Cheez-Its and a 7-up, diet 7-up, and I'm just eating a little bit.

I wake up the next morning at 8 a.m.

I had plans to go out that night.

I don't know what happened.

But girl, I fully knocked out and woke up the next morning.

Saturday morning.

I call Kenzie.

She goes, what the fuck?

I knocked out too.

I just woke up.

I was like, okay, cool.

It wasn't just me.

Something's got to be going on.

I don't know.

Apparently it was a new moon yesterday or the day before.

I don't know.

But I wake up and I feel normal.

I feel good.

I'm like energized.

I'm like, hey.

Let me go to the gym.

I'm going to go to Alphaland, the old gym I used to go to all the time in Houston.

But before that, I get on my phone.

I'm like, I wake up, have my coffee, have my cigarette, and I'm checking my phone.

All of a sudden, I get a DM from Christian Guzman.

He's talking about a potential like thing he wants to do, a deal.

I was like, okay, this is up my alley.

We're going to have to talk more about this.

So I text him and I let him know.

Funny, you just reached out to me because I'm about to show up at the gym.

I'm about to go work out at Alphaland.

He goes, I'm out of town, but I'll see you next time I come back.

Like, we got to set something up.

I'm like, okay, cool.

I was just excited to go to the gym I used to go to, see what's changed, see what's new.

You know, it's been two years, I haven't been there.

So I get up, I get dressed, and I go to the gym.

Here I go.

It's weird because I'm driving my new car to the gym I used to go to all the time.

It was a weird like moment being back in Houston because that's where everything changed for me.

And it was like total new me now going back and like driving the same drive I used to do and going to the the gym, but I was in my new car, my dream car that I got to customize a few months ago.

Like it was like a full circle moment.

And I was like, hey, this is cool.

But the opportunity with Krishna came up, I was like, that's crazy.

But I'm just enjoying it.

Still at peace.

Don't know how.

And I don't know why I slept so much.

I feel like it was a whole like nervous system adjustment and like my body adjusting to everything that had went on.

with me emotionally and mentally with like the night before i drank sure and then i went to the meeting the disappointment and then it was like the whole recognition of myself it was like that sleep locked it in like it was locked in but now i saw the clear difference and it like double locked you know what i mean like vault door

i get to the gym i start working out a couple y'all started recognizing me as soon as i got in the door it was so much fun it was like going to like a hangout with a bunch of friends.

It's cool.

Cause y'all are recognizing me.

I'm having a blast.

I'm seeing some old people there who I used to see.

I'm like, what the fuck?

Having a really good workout.

But one thing about me and deals, anything business-wise, like I said, I don't get excited.

And I've had most of the fitness brands, fitness companies, everybody reach out to me at this point, they all have.

And I've been polite, but none of them have really aligned with me fully.

I'm not the type that you can tell me, oh, here's a 10% commission every month because we give you a code.

And here's a thousand deliverables.

How many times do you have to post every month?

Fuck that.

Suck my dick.

I'm not doing that.

You're not telling me what to do.

15%.

No.

But also with that, I've seen all these companies and all these brands cycle through influencers, cycle through people.

Like I don't see no brand loyalty.

Everybody's just kind of hopping back and forth.

The whole fitness community has kind of died now, but it's not a collaboration with the brand, the clothing brand, Alphalite that he has.

It's something different.

But I'm not fully shutting down this idea.

I'm kind of like, you know what?

I'll feel it out, see where it goes.

We'll see when we have a conversation.

I don't know.

But in the middle of my workout, one of the managers, Sergio, comes out, okay, we're friends now.

And he introduces himself to me.

And it was such a warm welcome.

He was so nice.

And the way that Christian had talked to him about me.

Made me see that this was something he was taking serious and it wasn't just something that everybody gets.

I'm telling y'all everything.

Like we best friends at this fucking point.

Maybe I shouldn't be talking so freely, but you know what?

Y'all's along for the journey, you've seen it unfold too.

So it's just cool.

I finish at the gym, great workout, and I leave.

I go back to my Airbnb because I'm like, okay, all the plans we had last night, everybody was texting me and Kenzie.

What the fuck?

Oopsie, sorry.

We both fell asleep.

So we ended up going out Saturday night.

This is where,

oh,

ah,

I had a fucking time, bitch.

I had a blast.

But we go to dinner, bunch of new people.

We end up going out.

We're at this club.

We're having a hoot, girl.

We're having a great time.

And I've had an itch to go to a club like I did for so long.

Like the whole year I did without drinking, this is my type of party scene.

I'm up on the booth, dancing good music.

I'm with my girls in a private little section.

Everybody's cool.

I'm like, I feel safe.

That's very rare for me to feel safe out.

I told myself before I went to Houston, I'm not doing no substances.

Our little friend that we kicked from Miami, no, we don't hang out no more at all.

That was a nice parting, breakup relationship, and we're good.

Okay.

We learned, we saw what we needed to see.

We're done.

But we're at the club, having a good time.

And

a piece of molly ended up in my hand.

I have not done that in like two and a half years.

I used to do it a long time ago when I was going through all that crazy shit.

Whatever.

I was partying like every weekend to like cope through it.

I was doing it all the time then.

I haven't touched it in like two and a half years.

And I stood there for a second.

I'm not the type to just like take something, especially now.

And I told myself I'm not doing that shit.

So I sat with myself for a second in the middle of the club.

Didn't sit.

I was standing there, but I stopped.

I had it in my hand.

I was like, do I want to do it?

Part of me was like, No.

Old me would have said,

Yeah,

after all this disappointment, all this shit that I just went through, what the fuck is the point of staying on track and all this?

I would have done it out of like spite.

I saw that come up, and I was like, No, not doing it because of that.

I'm just dancing, having a little time, and I'm like, You know what?

Fuck it,

let's take it.

Oh,

I want to say that I hate that I took it,

but

I'm not because

of what happened like later.

We'll get there.

This is the shared.

This is what I had to channel.

But I took it.

I'm like, fuck it.

I'm having fun.

I'm safe.

I'm not in a bad mental state.

I'm not taking it out of spite.

Let's just have fun.

I don't got to fucking justify shit no more.

Like, that was one more thing.

I was like...

forcing myself to like come up with an excuse.

So I didn't take it.

I was like, I'm not about to force through this and fight myself through it.

So I take it what if it oh i had a time bitch i had such a good time till the come down

i want to make one thing very clear when i talk about things i do learn from me and don't do it because i'm not touching it again same thing with the coke from miami i told you how that story and all that went I want to explain these things and talk about them because a lot of people glorify it in a way and a lot of people act like it's no big deal to to be doing these things.

It's not no big deal.

This is not shit to play with.

And this is not shit I want to condone or ever make it seem like I'm condoning.

I want to talk freely about what happens because this is what like needs to be talked more about.

Don't think I'm having realizations because of these things.

There's a lot of bad wrapped up in this and you can have plenty of realizations without a substance.

A lot of people act like you have to have shrooms or you have to have acid to to be spiritual.

You don't.

Most of my biggest realizations have come from when I'm not on anything.

And a lot of realizations that I have are like building and they come to like a heartbreaking head when the substance is introduced because it makes you fucking vulnerable and it kind of like

forces you to wake up.

Well, for me, that's how it works for me.

I don't condone drugs.

I don't want any of you to take it from listening to me.

But let me keep going with the story.

Okay.

So here we go.

It starts to kick in.

How many times did you?

So much fun.

Oh.

And then, you know how it goes.

You end up in a random fucking kitchen.

Oh my God.

We did go to the strip club.

After the other club, the strip clubs were open late.

So we went to the ship club.

And I'm all about supporting the girls.

I'm gay, but if I'm ever at a strip club, I'd be tipping the girls.

Most girls that are at strip clubs do not want to be working there.

It's not by choice, usually.

I leave there and then I end up weirdly at my old apartment building that I used to live at in Houston.

The nice one that I moved to.

So full circle moment.

And when we pulled up, the woman that works at the front was there who I see all the time.

Like the security guard door woman.

She's a bad bitch.

I got to see her gave her a hug.

She was like, oh my God, it's so good seeing you.

I was like, you too.

What the fuck?

How you been?

Not really that much of a story, but it's just crazy how it like lined up.

But that whole shit where you get to the point where you're in someone's kitchen, hang it up, okay?

When the clubs close, don't go to an after.

Nothing good happens at an after.

I've been to enough.

I want to tell you so you can learn from my mistakes: trust me, baby, just go the fuck home.

I don't care how up you feel, I don't don't care how much of a good time you have me.

It's not fun.

If you really think about any time you've been to an after,

it's because you're avoiding going home.

Anything you do to avoid something is not going to be fun.

I saw the whole like experience of not because of the people I was with.

I fucking loved them.

They was great.

There was some people I didn't know.

It just turned into a whole like, whatever.

You know how it goes.

But it's just like that point of the night is

an empty

connection.

It's like everybody just wants a sense of connection and like for the night not to end.

My biggest thing I hate in this life is seeing the fucking sun come up.

I despise seeing the sun come up.

I like to leave when the club closes, max.

But I needed to learn this once and for all, I guess.

This was like a full circle moment.

So I end up back in my Airbnb.

Way later than I fucking shut up.

And that's when it starts to hit you.

The old come down part.

you know the part everybody avoids and that's when a lot of people start taking more so you don't come down also from my experience don't do that just

let it be what it was and then go to sleep do not yourself up well you can't sleep that's when things get bad that's where you don't want to be alone if you ever are on too much

don't take it like i said but if you ever catch yourself in that place okay i up i did too much i didn't want to go to sleep do not

be alone go hang out with a friend go be with somebody if you know you're going to start crashing or you've taken too much you've done too much do not isolate yourself i'm a type that likes to isolate myself some of my worst times in the past have been when you do too much and you're trying to regulate yourself and your body's dead tired but your mind don't shut up and you're just laying there looking at the ceiling like an asshole and you're like what do i do you're overthinking overplaying every scenario in your head like the come down thoughts.

It's like, as fast as you go up, it's like you fall even faster.

That's what it feels like emotionally and mentally.

I understand what happens when you start having a come down.

But I get back to my Airbnb.

And this was totally different for me because

I wasn't feeling

the come down.

I was watching it.

Mentally, all the thoughts, I'm going to just talk you through them, like openly, honestly, the thoughts that start coming up are,

what the fuck did I do?

I didn't do a podcast.

It's Sunday.

Everyone's going to be disappointed.

Oh my God, everything was going so great.

Why did I just fuck it up like this?

This is what I was thinking.

Literally, everything in my life was going great.

Why did I do this?

I told myself I wasn't going to take nothing.

Why did I do it?

Tomorrow's going to be awful.

I'm up way too fucking late.

What did I say or do that was bad that I don't realize?

Then you start reliving the night.

Oh,

what did I say to this person?

How did that go?

Ah, ah.

It's like your brain starts fucking with you and you start overplaying the night.

It's like any single thing that you're worried about, insecure about, or anything that causes you any kind of emotional pain or distress will be heightened times 10.

It's like...

Emotionally, you are fully naked.

No skin, nothing protecting you from the outside world.

It's like anything is just there.

It's the most vulnerable you could be.

It's the most vulnerable I've ever felt is in the past when I was having come downs.

But my brain's thinking all this shit.

But like I said, I was observing it.

It was weird because

every single thing I was worried about, I'm fine.

I no longer have a podcast contract where I'm obligated contractually to put something out.

I'm not disappointing anybody.

I'm not letting anybody down.

I'm able to sleep tonight because it was Sunday.

Morning.

It was like afternoon at this fucking point.

But before I went out on Saturday, I texted the Airbnb host and I said, hey, can I extend the next day and leave Monday?

Because I was like, just in case I'm hungover, I don't want to have to pack and get out by 10 a.m.

You know, I want to give myself an extra day like buffer.

I already planned if.

I wasn't able to, I already had a friend I was going to go stay with, but my Airbnb host texts me back on Saturday and he was like, yeah, you can stay.

No worries.

I was like, oh my God, great.

Do you want me to book it on Airbnb and like pay you for it?

He was like, no, you're free to stay.

Like, you're cool.

Just stay.

Like, no problem.

I was like, what that fuck.

So I already had the Airbnb an extra day.

The point is, I had plenty of time to sleep.

Everything my brain was trying to punish me with, that's the way I can explain it.

When you have a come down and you are a responsible person

and you're an overthinker.

and you take accountability, your brain is going to look for any kind of control in that situation.

And when it doesn't have any, it's going to punish the fuck out of you.

Your brain is going to remind you of every single thing you did wrong and it's going to play you into the next day.

Tomorrow is going to be awful.

Tomorrow you're going to wake up feeling like shit.

You drank too much and you dinner fucking mile.

Come on.

Like my brain was having the time, but I want to articulate this.

So you can understand yourself better maybe.

And if you ever catch yourself in this situation where you fuck up and you take something and and your brain does this to you, your nervous system does not heal faster because you punish it and you punish yourself.

I heard my soul like kind of say this to me.

Your body learned.

Like your body just learned.

The high is empty.

This is not what you want anymore.

Your mind does not have to keep stabbing you with reminders because that's what was happening.

My body learned.

I had the whole night, like the whole thing you know when you do some and you're like oh my god i'm never doing it again that whole thing and you're playing through the whole night yeah that's what my brain was doing and i felt my soul the whole time it didn't look away when you take an action out of alignment your soul doesn't look away it's not scared to face it mine was standing there with me and it reassured me in the moment when i needed it the most it was like Your mind don't got to keep stabbing you at reminders of what just happened.

Okay.

Your body learned.

Your nervous system is going to heal when you support it so the whole thing when i said i was observing the thoughts and i was like watching the come down happen like mentally like my brain with all the thoughts it was thinking my mind was sitting there like leo you're fine you're actually safe and when i listened to that instead of all the bullshit thoughts that were coming over this is when like the shift got very clear because all the thoughts that i was thinking when i paid attention to how i felt like i checked in with my body i was like

I feel fine though.

Like my brain was telling me, you're having to come down.

Oh my God, eh.

Like my brain was like, eh, like barking at me, like trying to act like chicken little.

The fucking sky's falling, ass bitch.

But when I would pay attention to what I felt, I didn't feel that bad.

I wasn't actually anxious.

I wasn't actually sad or like depressed or whatever.

My thoughts were freaking out.

The punishment voice was like trying to scream.

But when I listened to my body and like checked in with myself, I didn't feel that bad.

It's literally like I could see the old script trying to punish me.

But the new me, it didn't work.

Like I saw it all happening.

And I didn't trust it fully.

I call my mom

because I'm like, you know what?

She'll clock me.

She'll be honest with me.

Also, she'll comfort me because I need a little bit.

Also, with my mom, we're best friends.

We talk about anything and everything.

This is the relationship people need to have with their fucking parents.

You need to make sure your kid's safe and all right.

You want them to come to you.

So if you're a parent, don't be the parent condoning shit and being like the cool friend.

Be the parent that's a built-in best friend where it's like, if you up, I'm gonna hold you accountable, but I'm gonna hold your hand and be there for you because I love you.

You want to breed that trust where your kid can tell you anything.

That's just what I want to say.

So I call my mom

and I'm telling her what I'm thinking and feeling.

And I'm also telling her like, like,

this is what I'm thinking.

This is what I'm feeling.

Is this delusional?

And she was like, no, son, you're fine.

Like, you're dead ass right because you don't have nobody to answer to.

You what?

Your podcast is going to be a day or two late.

You're about to have a story from hell to tell out of this.

And everything felt in aligned what I was doing.

And she was like, okay, you took it.

So what?

Okay.

It's too late.

You can't go untake it.

But right now you're learning.

You're free to go sleep.

Go fucking eat something go drink some water go sleep relax you're gonna be fine she was comforting me and she was saying everything that my soul was saying to me and then i was like okay yay but that right there is something that i never would have done is call somebody when i need that when i need comfort i would never call nobody before but i called her and it helped me a lot i was like feeling a lot better i was okay I'm not crazy.

It's like, I can't listen to the solid part of me that like knows what's really fucking going on.

Basically, I can listen to the new me.

i can hear it and i can trust it you know then i eat a little something i didn't have no appetite but i also hydrated i drank a little liquid ivy and i go upstairs i'm like i'm gonna shower

clean off the night

but also showering is a very energetically cleansing a lot of people don't realize that you don't utilize it to like get in the shower even if you're like sad not even on drugs or anything if you're sad if you're whatever if you're in a weird mood if you're the whole day has been weird if you want to shift your energy quick go get in in a shower.

People forget how powerful and like cleansing water is, like, it's a pure energy.

Stand in there and feel it beat on your head.

Any stress, any worry you got, just let it wash off.

It's like a comforting thing, warm water.

It's like a you back in the womb.

It's comforting and it's cleansing.

So I take a shower and then I call my sister.

I FaceTime her while I'm doing my skincare career, brushing my teeth.

And I'm talking to my sister.

I'm telling her the same thing.

This moment

was nuts

because because she was comforting me through it and she said something so fucking goddamn clear to me.

She said, don't beat yourself up for tonight.

We all been there.

We all done this shit.

This is exactly a point that I had to get to with like a hangover so bad where I had to realize don't be out late like this just to be out.

Be out if you're experiencing something.

Don't be out just to be out.

And that landed.

I'm done with this.

Like, lesson learned, you know?

This whole thing of like shifting with my soul, I was kind of bored.

I was like, damn, my soul don't want to do nothing.

Like, my soul don't want to do Coke no more.

Okay, that's gone.

I did an edible like on Easter.

I posted about it on TikTok.

We had low time, but I didn't like how I felt the day after.

I don't like weed anymore.

Molly, I'm not doing again.

I don't like anything else, you know?

Like, shrooms and acid are not something that I do.

I I did it like years ago at a rave, but like I don't want substances no more.

And instead of punishing myself because I learned that, I just learned it.

And I'm taking that away from this whole experience.

The biggest battle of it all was me adjusting to freedom.

Like with all the thoughts that I was thinking, I was free from them.

None of them like had any like weight to hold.

None of them were accurate.

And my whole adjustment through this whole thing of like my brain freaking the fuck out and me coming down it i was adjusting to freedom freedom from my thoughts not running me no more freedom from a life where if i make one mistake everything crumbles nothing crumbled everything was okay it was a clear moment of like i'm waking up to freedom and it's a battle to get there.

If you don't know what freedom feels like from your emotions and your mind and your life and anxiety and all this shit.

It's a battle.

It's like all of that has to like show up for you to finally realize you're free because your mind will keep you trapped.

It's like the story of the elephant, the baby elephant.

If you tie it to a tree when it's little,

it's stuck.

It can't do nothing.

It's like, oh, I'm stuck to the tree.

If an elephant grows up from a baby to an adult chained to the same tree, The elephant is not going to realize I'm bigger than that tree now and I can rip it out the fucking ground.

All the elephant knows is I'm powerless to the tree.

I have to stand here on this rope.

I can't go nowhere.

The whole thing the elephant's gonna have to go through is all mental from that point.

The elephant doesn't realize it's free.

Your mind, you will never realize you're free

if you don't set yourself from that mental trap.

But it's a battle to get out of it, it's a battle from hell.

So that was like the biggest battle of the whole experience for me.

And it was like stepping into the truly being free thing.

I was like, whoa, hey.

The whole thing of me seeing where I am now with how I handled this was crazy.

I didn't cripple from all the disappointments.

I didn't cripple from the come down.

I was there for myself in a different way.

I let my family be there for me in a time where I never would have before.

And it was the most comforting fucking thing.

But it like helped me fully get to a point where I'm like, okay, if that's what I needed to experience was like, this was the last time.

I'm going to let this be it.

There's nothing I want from it no more.

There's nothing I want from nights like that where you're up to the fucking sun comes up.

I've always hated them.

Even when I was at my worst party, I would hate seeing the sun come up.

But this time, I realize there's nothing in it.

If you know what I'm talking about, you've lived these moments.

There's nothing in it.

Like it's empty.

And

I'm not punishing myself.

I get it.

I see it.

I'm not the type person that can force myself

to

learn a lesson.

It's like I have to learn it.

I can't just like talk myself into it.

You know, it's like I had to have this experience where it's like I fully felt it.

And where I am now with who I am now, I had to feel all these things and go through all of this shit for me to be like, okay.

Officially,

all drugs are off the table.

And I have no hesitation with saying it.

It's not like, oh, I have to keep my word.

It's like I'm not resisting anything in myself now to go forward knowing they're empty.

Am I going to say I'm never going to do them every beginning in my life?

No.

But for the foreseeable future, I'm good.

I don't need a reminder.

I don't need to experience that again.

I see it for what it is.

And I don't want no part of it.

I'm like, okay, cool.

I really think the biggest disappointment that fixed itself was the come down.

Like me doing that was the biggest disappointment.

And that one was kind of with myself.

And usually the disappointments that I feel are with other people.

And like other people dropping the ball or fucking things up with like the universe.

But this one was like a disappointment where it was me and it was something that I did.

But still that didn't even cripple me.

And in that moment of something that was disappointing, it fixed itself because of what I saw and what I felt and like everything.

Does that make sense or not?

I hope it does.

Disappointments don't come with nothing.

I think is the point.

I'm realizing that.

Now I'm not scared of disappointment no more because I had a fuck ton back to back.

The ones that would have crippled me, yeah we go, we chillin.

This one, okay,

I learned a lot.

Like, there's so much to come from disappointments.

They always fix themselves in a way if you open up to it.

If you don't go into the punishing yourself route,

a lot comes from it.

That's the thing.

It'll fix itself.

Even if it fixes something in you you thought was broken.

or reconnects you to something or shows you something about yourself, even if it doesn't completely reverse the situation, it's not for nothing i think that's the point of this because i'm not really sure why all this wants to come out but with the drive today usually the day after you do that you don't feel great you feel like sad as shit for like two three days that's why i say don't do it but was i a little tired sure i would think well i did that yesterday so i should be upset today when i checked in with myself i'm like i'm not though i'm chilling

so that's a big thing also to take away is like get the fuck out of your head and check in with your body for a second because your mind would love to punish you.

It would love to beat you up and say it's all this and it's all that.

Is it though?

Check in with your body.

How do you actually feel?

Not what are you thinking?

That's like a little trick I learned this weekend too.

Real nice.

It helped me fully disconnect from a lot.

But like today,

I was fine.

My brain was trying to tell me that I wasn't, but I was.

My mind was trying to gaslight me.

No.

I'm not being in a toxic relationship with my fucking self.

Come on.

But that's all I want to talk about for this episode.

I'm I'm tired.

I would like to go to bed.

I drove four hours home today in the rain.

Not a good time.

Couldn't even smoke a fucking cigarette.

I forgot to do this last week.

We're going to do a little emoji.

For everybody who makes it this far in the episode, comment the chain emoji.

A little chain because you break it free out of it.

Oh, I like that.

Or like a bow, like a ribbon.

We could do the chain for breaking free into freedom, you know, the little battle to freedom.

It said, break the little chain, little elephant.

And you could also do a ribbon or like a little bow because disappointments fixed themselves.

It's a little gift.

Here you go.

You little broken heart.

As always, everything you need from me will be in the description.

I'm gonna leave my sub stack too.

That's my private little spot where I go live and I kind of talk about these things as they're happening throughout my life.

But the podcast is like the full overall.

But if you want some spoilers and you want to get in a private group, go in there.

It links in the description.

I'll put my Instagram and my TikTok and everything too.

So you can follow me.

Keep up with me.

But that's it.

Leave this video a thumbs up and shit.

Love you all so bad.

Everybody, be safe.

Take care of yourself.

And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

Who knows?

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