37. You Have To Lose Before You Win. Let It Get Ugly

hi friends i'm in a mood not really i just got home from the gym and my soul is like itching to

record so here we are all i had time to do was grab my chain and sit down i'm like antsy to talk about this so much has happened and i just had to cut off my biggest stream of income because my soul wanted to. Oh, my God.

Hi, friends. Hello, and shit.
Okay. So, there's so much I've learned.
So much has happened. So many synchronicities.
I'm going to tell you about some of them. Oh, my God.
It's so fun. But this whole follow your intuition thing does not always feel good.
And from a logical person's perspective, looking at me right now, you would look at me like I am self-sabotaging and blowing up my entire life. And I kind of am.
But it all feels so in line and the way that it's happening is crazy. I'm in one of those in-between periods.
So let me just hit you out the gate with it. I'm going to kind of talk with what feels good to come out, but this has more people involved.
So I quit my podcast deal. And what I mean by I quit it is I'm done with it.
So the way that podcast deals work is you basically sign on with the company and you have an agreement for typically a year and you give them the rights to sell ads on your podcast. And they usually will give you a minimum guarantee.
So a certain amount of money they'll pay you monthly, Like a minimum guarantee could be $100,000 for the year or $250,000 for a year or a million dollars for a year. But I'm not going to be able to tell you what I had or what was going on.
But the amount of money that I personally had a minimum guarantee of was substantial. And it's not something that is like, oh, it's fine.
You lost it. No, it's my only set income that has been consistent.
And the only thing, whatever, it's gone. My soul wanted to get out of it.
But with a podcast contract, it comes with certain guidelines you have to have. So I had to do ads in this is for the audio version I'm talking about.
So the podcast deals for the audio version and then certain ads come through when their hosts read on YouTube. So I'm letting you in behind the scenes of all this shit.
I'm just giving it to you straight. I don't have time to protect the industry.
It's rotten and it's bullshit. So this is the truth of it.
You get paid for the ads that go on your podcast, but I'm a very specific case because I'm very picky. I don't read ads for anybody and any products I don't like.
I don't care how much you pay me. I'm not doing it.
And I'm selective with the ads that I i do so i always need like a specific contract and it's highly negotiated and it takes months to get the contract negotiated and done with the audio version of my podcast i was required to put allegedly i don't know if i could talk about this in the contract who gives a fuck at this point okay i'm getting irritated because i'm trying to censor my soul and you're watching me get mad it's like it's coming out so this is just what it is i despise ads i hate listening to ads hearing ads when they're in stuff so this is the dumbest business decision i could make to care more about the person listening to the podcast than me making money from the podcast i don't like that my podcast was getting interrupted with ads and i have like this weird thing with my intuition and my soul of like it don't want to be interrupted the way i'm talking the way that i'm doing things now of recently the past like five episodes i don't like it being interrupted and i care about you guys listening to this and not being hit with ads every fucking like 10-15 minutes. It's annoying.
I like for things to flow, whatever. It doesn't matter.
That's the whole thing. I didn't want to be interrupted no more, but it's not just that.
This podcast deal that I signed, I signed it back in like January. and I've not been able to get a clear answer around the money and when I'm going to be paid.
The contract has it written out a certain time and then, oh, we need to push it back. I hit a breaking point, absolute breaking point, chasing the money and having to check in.
I hit a boiling point because it felt disrespectful it felt like I was disrespecting myself to

constantly be chasing money I agreed to be paid when I'm doing my end you ain't holding up your

end I'm not chasing you and I'm not spending the red next year of my life chasing after some

motherfucking podcast deal money and then on top of it getting interrupted on my pod everything

about it I've been pushed to a point of fuck it and my soul is fully behind me on it like my soul's mad as hell it's like i don't want to be interrupted let it flow let it be what it's gonna be and then logical me is like i'm like ready to beat my head into the wall trying to talk and like get an answer everybody tries to give me their word and their word falls through everybody oh you're gonna get the money next month oh next month the beginning of this month it will be the ending of that month everybody's word shit i don't trust nothing and for this to just keep unfolding oh it's gonna nobody could give me a set date a set timeline they just jerking me the fuck off i'm not tolerating it and the fact that it's my soul now that it's speaking and like i'm letting my everything just come from the heart and full authenticity mode it's not getting fucked with and i'm not begging nobody for nothing i'm pissed but i'm so happy because that anger comes with so much clarity i made the right decision even it seems stupid as fuck. But the whole thing of getting to this boiling point, I want to talk about my experience because maybe it'll make you understand yours or you'll feel better about your situation.
So the past four months since January, I've been waiting for the money. And this money is money that I've been dependent on because I had a podcast deal for a year before this that was supposed to start in January.
So I was living this year, the past four months, like, okay, the money's coming in. In the back of my mind, I'm like, okay, the money's coming in.
I've been spending and like still had a little bit of restriction with myself because I'm like, I don't have the money yet, but the money's coming in. I've been living in this in-between period for four fucking months.
I'm like, I need this podcast money. It's like, what's going to help me? This is how I survive.
It kept getting held up and delayed. I'm tired of fucking excuses.
This whole frustration period of everything building the past four months, I've of been grateful for it now because looking back now, I've actually been more than okay without that podcast payment coming in for the past four months. So the worst thing you could fucking do is teach me how to live without you and then expect me to act like I need you.
Never going to fucking happen. So I was like, wait, I know I'm irritated, pissed irritated pissed off but like the past four months I just learned that I'm actually okay things have been lining up weird my tiktoks have been blowing up boots like 800 million views in the past 60 days I think it's almost at a billion now which is crazy to say out loud between instagram and tiktok.
My TikTok went from 4.2 million and I'm at 8.3. Having that proof gave me the balls to make this jump and cut everybody at the knees.
So like I said, the past four months, I was learning how to live without this, without realizing it. And it's like a false security I had of like, this money's coming, this money's coming.
And it didn't come. But if I look back, everything was fine.
I still made money other ways. It just came through other shit that I was doing.
Following my little self paid off. Basically, everything I needed to stand on business and stand up for myself has been unfolding.

I just didn't see it until it built up to a point where I was ready to say, fuck it.

And then I realized I fully can.

Nothing's holding me back.

Nothing is preventing me.

I ain't got no reason to be scared.

I figured it out the past four months and I'll figure it out going forward.

All I know is I'm following my soul.

My soul's mad as shit.

So it doesn't want to be interrupted.

And I'm no longer disrespecting myself chasing money.

I'm not doing that.

For now, forward all i know is i'm following my soul my soul's mad as shit so it doesn't want to be interrupted and i'm no longer disrespecting myself chasing money i'm not doing that for nobody for nothing so podcast deal is cut there are a couple of companies who bought ad slots where i like do host read ads where i read the ads and it's companies i like but there's a couple that i will be doing to honor them because they paid for an ad I'm not gonna have them walk away from a situation being like I bought an ad on Leo's podcast and he didn't do it so I'm gonna do the ads that were bought and I'm not gonna have any more after that so I don't do bad business I honor it so when you hear we do the ads hey friend fun like it's because i like the company and it's because i'm honoring it and i'm i don't do bad business i don't let nobody walk away from interaction being like leo fucked me over no if somebody ever says leo fucked me over you ask them how bad they fucked me before i fucked them that's the question you always ask so i'm just being fully transparent with it there is going to be one in this episode but the other thing this got hard this got real difficult because the agency that I was with I was with UTA and I've been with UTA for almost three years now and through all of this um I decided to end that relationship also a lot of people ask me how I'm so confident and how I don't give a fuck. I will walk away from anyone or anything.
I don't care what name you have. I don't care what association or status you have.
If I'm not being treated right, I'm out. That's it.
and like the weirdly like the ego boost and the balls you get when you make a decision like this like i've lived my life like this so many times when i've needed money the most is when i've turned it down to save my integrity and i got balls like i got confidence that comes from decisions other people can't make this is a big source of my confidence is i'm willing to walk away from anybody and anything no matter what happens so i didn't like how things were going i love the agents that i was working with personally but just like the way that things were going for me specifically i'm a very hard person to represent because i'm not like these fucking influencers who can be told what to do like this whole podcast deal thing other people would be able to be bitched out and would just be able to be calmed down and say no no it's okay you're just gonna have to keep going it's gonna come it's gonna come and they would sit there and take it i'm the type to buck back i'm gonna say fuck this whole contract scrap it i'm not the type that can be told what to do after I've been disrespected. No, no, no.
I'm hard to manage. I'm hard to represent because I require a certain level and a certain standard of myself.
And I require that from everybody and even opportunities that come in. I understand when opportunities come in and they're disrespectful.
It's like, should be appreciative of this thing but i see it as so disrespectful because it's like bitch i see what other motherfuckers are getting paid why are you over here trying to pay me a fourth of that and telling me i should be grateful fuck you you know what you're doing and i know what you're doing but you just don't like that i say it and that's people's biggest problem with me is i will voice what other people are too scared to have you pulling some shit and you're trying to do it like a clown behind a curtain i'm gonna move that curtain and say yeah i see it and people get real uncomfortable when i speak what they are doing and they gotta face it for what it is very weird very weird to me if you can't handle it being voiced out loud don't do it you think it's all fun and games that's typical with this la shit people in la want to do shit like under your nose and you're supposed to pretend like you don't notice it and then as soon as you say what they did and you speak it they're like a fucking rat under like the spotlight like a little cockroach they flip on their back like like they freak out and they want to get mad at you girl burn out of that spotlight i don't care i'll stomp you little roach i don't play that shit i'm very transparent and i move with integrity and when you don't we're not gonna get it on because i'm gonna look out for you and when you don't look out for me i'm not gonna get mad at you the first time but when you continue to discard me i'm gonna hit you with a sledgehammer emotionally and contractually i'll rip that shit up in two seconds but that really wasn't targeted at anybody in specific i'm just kind of like talking for the dynamic of shit i don't tolerate disrespect from nobody not even myself so that's how like that's just random things i want to talk about one more thing this hit me and it before it would have made me very insecure and made me sad i scoffed when i heard it i've been asking for a tour for the past like six months i've been like let's do dates let's see what's going on basically i finally heard after just being like forget not forgotten about but like people just don't want to communicate because they don't want to tell you something bad i guess i don't know what happened but it's like been silent so oh we're gonna check we're gonna check we're gonna it's like everybody's scared to tell me the fucking truth like i can't handle it come to find out they don't trust it they don't believe in it they don't think that it's gonna do good so they don't want to take on doing a tour so once i heard that after everything else that's kind of been going on i was like you know what let's just go ahead and end it you only gonna ever be able to tell me you don't believe in me or you don't want me one fucking time i'm never gonna be where you left me i'm never gonna be in that spot where you said i don't believe in you or i don't want you okay but typically in the past I would have gotten a little insecure about it I would have been like ah damn what can I do to earn your approval fuck that my soul don't play that game and now that I'm tuned in with it fully no baby I'm not playing that game with you if you don't trust it you don't believe in it I'll go fucking do it somewhere else I'm not asking for permission for anything so that was just like the kind of thing it's like that's what made it all make sense is like you don't truly believe in me so that's why i haven't been seeing effort um but i can also attribute and acknowledge how hard of a person i am to represent in a business setting because i don't play no bullshit and that's what this industry is built on so I can see how both of them like I see how it both plays in but I ended the partnership there's no bad blood which is crazy because the agents that I worked with I like them like they're still cool and I don't wish nothing bad I'm not mad at them like it was a very civil thing um because it's just like an understanding of like there's certain departments certain departments i don't fuck with but the agents that i worked with one-on-one the most those are the ones where it's like cool like we just get it but these are decisions i never thought i would make and these are decisions most people would never make most people are so desperate and like would do anything to be with uta most people would be so desperate and like would do anything to be with UTA. Most people would be so desperate and like would do anything for the money that I was making off my podcast.
I can't do it. I'm not the type.
Like I don't care how many people want something. If I don't like it, if it ain't for me, if I'm being mistreated, if I ain't being respected, I will throw it away.
Do I have a little bit of reluctancy every single time? Yes. But this time I didn't get a chance to like hesitate, like just trusting myself, trusting my soul and like my heart and like my intuition.
It was all just so like, boom, boom, boom, like clear. It just happened.
I didn't hesitate. I didn't hold back.
I did nothing. It was just like, okay, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.
And it fell into place. And everything has gone so civil and smooth.
But looking back, it all makes sense how everything has happened. I was meant to get to that point of frustration, to get to the point where I am now.
Because some people aren't meant to go with you where you're meant to go. Everything that was built on old me is very obviously crippling and having to be shed.
And this is not fun. This is not a fun thing to do.

These are not fun conversations to have. These are not fun decisions to make, but they feel right.

And a lot of people ask me, does it feel good? Not always. It doesn't feel good to follow your

intuition, follow your soul. Sometimes it feels like you're actually being burned alive emotionally but it feels right because it's a whole shedding process that has to happen i feel like i'm i don't know being skinned like a fucking cucumber or like a potato you like skinning a potato before you cook it like that's what i feel like happening to me i'm getting all my layers scraped off but i feel confident in my decision and that's just what it is i didn't really want to talk about this but that's this is what the podcast is now it's not what i want to talk about it's what the truth is that's what gets talked about one more thing that i like wants to come out about this is like being able to hold yourself you're never too heavy to hold for you and i kind of want to talk about holding yourself for a second before i get into all the synchronicities and good shit that lined up it costed me money but things lined up the whole thing with like holding yourself what the hell do i want to talk about with that i don't know you hold you like i was putting myself in other people's hands and they couldn't handle it where would i ever rationally think another human being who's not like me could hold me or handle me or look after me not everybody could hold you and nobody needs to hold you but you yeah it's nice to have people to hold you here and there like i got my family but like in a business setting these people couldn't hold me these people could not they didn't know what the fuck to do with me i'm the only one that knows what to do with me i'm the only one that can hold myself and not shake or fold or anything and i'm talking hold yourself with emotions thoughts opinions beliefs everything you feel what you want decisions you want to make and not make it's like I don't need nobody to tell me what to do with this I'm fully grown and I've gotten this far by trusting myself when I don't trust myself it goes to shit now that I'm myself again, it seems like it's going to shit, but I can tell it's

not because my emotions and the way that I feel about all this is so clear.

Like I put myself back in my own hands.

And that's the way I can word it.

Like I'm holding myself again fully because I have no team.

I have no representation.

I have no one besides my business managers who are fucking great.

They're the ones who manage all my money and review contracts with me.

It's a everything happen. She's seen me hire managers, fire managers.
She's seen me hire agencies and now walk away from agencies. She's seen me negotiate podcast deals.
She's seen me in meetings. She's seen me on tour.
But she's been through the headache and seen all of it. But this whole time she's been consuming everything.
She knows everything about social media management by watching me. All the conversations me and her have had about how this manager was stupid as fuck or this one how did this if they could do it i could do it it clicked she's who's gonna step in this with me because she's the only other person who could hold some of me and like handle all of this but she's fully prepped and ready to do it it's weird how it just like fell in line so like i'm taking control of everything back in my own hands love it so bad but she's also gonna help me and kind of like oversee and it's like it's crazy how it all kind of lined up and i've talked about her being my manager before but now it's like the slot opened and it's already filled like it it just needed me to open the slot.
And it all made sense. So yay, T.
The other thing I am going to mention about the podcast deal is I'm no longer obligated to do podcasts anymore. But I don't want you guys thinking I won't still do them.
I do this because I want to. The first year and a half of my podcast, I did for free.
I didn't have a deal. I didn't have a podcast, nothing.
I do this because I want to. The past year and a half, hey, that was kind of like forcing through, but like I needed to.
I wasn't going to give up on myself with this, like with the podcast, you know? Like I had to have something and it was like my lifeline a little bit with the cocaine. don't do that no more but i am still going to be putting out episodes this one it's because i want to do it and i'm doing these ads to honor it like good faith so speaking of the ad we might as well do it now so our sponsor for this episode is manscaped and they got a little announcement it's no longer an online thing.
They're now available in CBS. So anything you need for shaving, all your shave needs and stuff like that.
They have razors, trimmers, shavers, really everything out of the sun to do with shaving, hygiene, stuff like that. They also have like nail kits with little like tools and stuff, little travel things.
I like this because now you don't have to wait for shipping no more. You can just go to store and pick it up oh but there is one product that is exclusive to the cbs stores and it's the lawnmower 3.0 plus refined kit and the lawnmower 3.0 plus is waterproof for wet or dry use and cleaning it's easy you just rinse it under the water also there's a little led spotlight on it so you can see what you're doing we got more information the ceramic blade is rounded for enhanced comfort and includes a built-in guard to minimize nicks and cuts that's one thing i'll be doing all the time is cutting my neck i never cut my face but i cut my neck a lot oh okay the battery delivers up to 60 minutes of runtime and recharges quickly it got a little usbc cable and adapter also there's two adjustable combs so you can personalize your trend what do you want it close like i do like a clean shave or you want it like a little longer have a little stubble or something this is not going to apply to the girls unless you're one of the girls with the beards whatever you want to identify as go for it i've tried most of the other products from manscaped i've never tried the little lawnmower 3.0 plus i would like to try that that's why i'm confident telling you about it i know it's going to be good it's like an elevator version of the one that i already have but if you want to try one too you can head over to your local cbs and pick it up but your grooming game just got easier and better thanks to manscaped and cbs okay now back to the podcast all right let's talk about the little synchronicities that have been happening because there's been some cool stuff.
First, we'll do an update on the house. The whole situation I talked about last week, girl, no movement.
My soul don't give a damn about the house no more. I've had no urge to go see a house or do anything, but what's crazy is I did get an urge to go check the website again.
The Versace house is still under contract. If you didn't watch the last episode, you don't understand what I'm talking about.
Go watch that after this one, okay? So the Versace house, that one's still under contract. That one's probably gone, but I don't want that fucking thing, the project.
Now, the $2.4 million house is still available. Still haven't had an urge to go see it, so I'm not forcing nothing.
My soul will tell me when it's ready to go. And this is the weirdest thing.
I desire for a new house a 2.4 million dollar house and then my biggest source of income my soul wants to cut it it doesn't make sense but I'm just gonna trust it I'm gonna let go and let God grow please please don't fuck around please make it work but I was on there looking I was just checking on the house I wanted to see if my 2.4 went under contract and it didn't it's still available as good and then i found another house that was 2.6 and it's sickening so we got two options we just ain't got the money for it yet so i'll keep you posted on the houses but there's been no movement but there's been a lot of movement with getting rid of a lot of things and making a lot of fucking changes i've dejunct my house like most of it I'm still in the process of it but there's been no movement, but there's been a lot of movement with getting rid of a lot of things and making a lot of fucking changes. I've dejunct my house.
Like most of it, I'm still in the process of it, but it's like the more that I'm dejuncting, y'all know, I have a whole thing about dejuncting the house. When you get an urge to do it, you're moving around old energies.
You're getting rid of shit. I've been getting rid of so much stuff.
It just don't resonate. I don't want it no more.
Get it the fuck out of my face. Yeah.
So the other day, here we go with the synchronicity shit other day i was thinking to myself i was like i need a photographer for my clothing launch coming up i'm doing the t-shirts and then we're doing the sunglasses then we're doing everything as it drops right but i don't want to deal with like trying to find a photographer like i don't want it to be a headache i don't want to force it it feels like a drag i kind of just want it to come to me okay like i don't want to deal with it truly i was like i need a photographer but i don't want it to be a headache. I don't want to force it.
It feels like a drag. I kind of just want it to come to me.
Okay? Like, I don't want to deal with it, truly. I was like, I need a photographer, but I don't have no urge to go find one.
Bring it to me. So I set my soul.
I was like, bring it to me, Greg. Fuck around, and I'm not going to do nothing.
If you want to do the photo shoot, okay, bring it to me. Next day, I wake up, and I get this random urge don't know why don't know who what when we're how it's nine o'clock in the morning and all of a sudden i get this urge it's like a tuesday i think i get an urge to go to highland park that's like the outside shopping center in dallas so it's like all the designer stores the nice shit to cartier to town ford to chanel all like the hermes like the nice place there's like the inside mall and then there's highland park it's like the bougie shit where one of my houses is close to but i get this urge to go over there i'm like i don't know why i don't want to buy nothing I don't want to go shopping over here.

I just ended the podcast deal so why are you over here getting an itch to go shop so you ain't brought no money in yet what's this i want to go shopping at the nicest stores huh so i'm like all right i'm just gonna I it but i was like i ain't buying nothing and then i come upstairs and i get dressed put my chain on put my outfit on real cute and then i go driving to the stores like 9 30 i leave the house for whatever reason my soul want to go to tom fort so i'm like okay let's go to tom port you expensive taste having little bitch so here i go me and my soul walking up in the store just like all right and i walk in and there's a bunch of shit set up there was a full photo shoot going on in tom ford and they're in the middle of like breaking down and like putting all the backdrops and all the tripods and all the shit. Like they're trying to put all the lighting and like get it all wrapped up.
And like they were doing a photo shoot before the store opened. And I walk in, I'm like, oh, is it a bad time to shop? And they were like, oh, no, no, come in.
You're fine. I'm like, okay.
So I start stepping around like all all this shit i'm like trying not to be in the way i'm like oh shit sorry like i don't know i feel bad like i don't know why i want to stay in here i felt uncomfortable and i wanted to leave i was like i don't want to be in the way i don't want to be that asshole i don't know how to take a hint my soul didn't want to leave so i I'm like, okay, I got to be the asshole. All right.
I do not typically wear Tom Ford's clothes. It's not built for somebody like me.
I'm six, seven. I got shoulders.
I'm broad. I'm not a twink.
I don't fit in like their stuff. Some stuff is fit to like stretchy and some of it can go to my size, but like most of it don't fit me like the colors of the shirts they don't go around my neck it's a little big so i don't know why i want to go look in the clothes so i'm like weird they do have some cool leopard shit so i go start looking in the clothes okay i don't know then somebody comes up to me this guy it was one of the guys who was cleaning up some of the stuff from the photo shoot he's like hey I'm a new supporter of yours like I see your videos you're funny as shit like I think you're great I was like thank you so bad I was like my bad I'm in the way like I feel bad you guys are trying to like close everything down he was like oh no no you're fine like we're about like I'm just wrapping up getting this stuff out of here he was like i'm working like just like help today because they're doing like a big campaign shoot whatever the hell and i was like wait are you a photographer too and he says yeah i was the assistant photographer today because this is like a big shoot but i do do my own photography on the side and i was like give me your number right now because I need a photographer for some stuff coming up.
And he was like, Oh, I can get you the number for the guy who did this shoot. Like the top guy who like works with Tom.
I was like, fuck that. I don't want the big wig.
I don't want these people who are over here acting like I got to prove some shit to work with them. Like if you shoot Tom Ford, you're not going to have an attitude of like attitude of like let's do our best here you're gonna charge me 10 grand and not give a fuck how the photos turn out that's just my assumption I don't like the big wig guys but this guy was cool he had tattoos cool vibe he came up to me had a cool personality and he's busting his ass he was like sweating because he was doing all the work I like those people I don't like the big wig walking off and making somebody clean up your shit because whenever i do something i'm the one cleaning it up i don't care if i got a whole crew i'm helping clean up too i like this guy he's got the work ethic he's sweating he's the one putting all the work putting everything i was like i like this one i was like no i don't want.
So I got his number. Boom.
Found my photographer. That worked out.
That lined up. So now I have a photographer.
And I'm over here just like, whoa. And then I finished shopping, walked out of the store.
And I went around and had a little day. Followed my little intuition.
I had a blast. So one crazy thing I want want to point out after all this like happened and i was starting to like think about what i just did with the podcast deal and like money and what's going to happen i kind of like just like held myself where i talk about hold yourself like i let the emotions come up i didn't freak out i didn't have to do anything about it like just because i feel something i don't have to do nothing about it anymore I can hold space for it and hold it and I didn't freak out.
I didn't have to do anything about it. Like just because I feel something, I don't have to do nothing about it anymore.

I can hold space for it and hold it.

And I don't take anxious actions.

I don't take guilty actions.

I don't take nothing like that.

I take irritated actions.

Sure fucking do.

I let the rage, like burn through like a fire.

Everything needs to be cut out.

I cut it out.

But I'm just kind of like chilling.

I'm sitting there.

And then I started getting random ideas for products I want to drop for my clothing line. And I was like, okay.
And then the thought passed. And I was like, all right.
What the hell was that? Okay. then the next day, I spent the day in alignment with like everything that was going on.
I had a full-fledged moment where I was like as happy as I've been. I was just like, whoa, having a great day.
I start seeing full-fledged visuals of three products that I want to drop like I see exactly how they look and what they are one of them is the journal that I've talked about in previous episodes I went through the whole thing of like trying to make my own version of a gratitude journal because I don't like that whole fucking today I'm grateful for me no I don't that i have my own way of doing a gratitude thing and a lot of things have shifted and i had an old manufacturer make it they fucked it up royally couldn't make it to the standard that i wanted it was pathetic so i just threw away the whole idea i was irritated and i'm not forcing nothing right now and the idea for the journal came back and i was trying to like pull it out of myself a couple weeks ago but i was like no i'm not forcing it it came back boots so i also had two other products that i got like an urge for and i was like these are more for me like they're products that i want they're things that i want like i don't know if everybody's gonna like them and i just like kind of like had like a weird like my soul was like it don't fucking matter it ain't for sales stop forcing it you're not forcing nothing like trying to help people do like the whole marketing thing it's like you're so desperate and they're trying to sell you shit and they're trying to change what they're making to try to appeal to everybody it's like versace doing fucking silver to appeal to everybody tom ford use black and gold and leopard and Z. Now you're doing silver, everything.
They don't make no more gold. Why? Like these companies that are so desperate trying to appeal to everybody, it's like you've lost your identity.
I despise that. So I don't want to be that.
So I'm over here like test moment of like, I got to honor myself. It's like, I know these are products that like, I think only I would want.
Maybe I'll be surprised. I don't know.
But I see the visuals. I feel the urge to talk about everything and tell my manufacturers.
So I messaged them. They all of a sudden had a meeting open.
Hey, we have a meeting, like a spot open, like an hour. I was like, okay, let's get on the phone.
I wanted to talk. An hour and a half, we're on the phone.
We's having a time. We was having a key, girl.
We was all on the FaceTime. So many ideas came out.
And I have like six more products I want to start working on. And I'm so used to hearing like, oh, we can't do that.
Like you have this idea. You're explaining it.
We don't have the, you can't make it like like oh we can't do that like you have this idea you're explaining it we don't have the you can't make it like this you can't do that the company i'm with now is like okay what else what about adding this adding that i'm like ah like the fact that they can do it how i want it such a refreshing thing so the call went great and i'm very excited about all the products but like i said i don't know if it's gonna sell like everything is just about taking risk right now and like taking chances on myself one thing I've learned in this life is the only bet you will never lose is one that you take on yourself with everything any bet I've made on anybody else they've always fucking let me down I've always lost that bet and it's costed me so much heartbreak sometimes money sometimes both sometimes relationships with other people too but the bet you make on yourself is one you will never lose so go all in hell i put all my whole stack of chips everything on myself let's see what happens i don't have an option right now like my soul is blowing up every sense of safety and like every fallback plan every everything my nursing license came up and i renew it every time every two years you renew it i do the ceus and then i renew it the ceus are done something is telling me not to renew it and i always had my nursing license as a fallback plan in case I need it again. Like I haven't needed it in like two, three years, I think.
But I just like that safety net. My soul don't want it.
So that's another thing. It's like my soul is just blowing up everything.
And I can't keep track of it. I can't make logic out of it.
I'm just following it and seeing what happens. Okay.
But after all this, today, another sequindicity of this story. I have been wanting to remodel some things in my house and like have my wallpaper hung up in my bedroom that I want.
I want to get Versace wallpaper and put it on a ceiling. I've went through a whole thing of like these one, these like certain, these certain people that came to my house and gave me a quote.
They quoted me $12,000 just to install the wallpaper. They look at it and bust them across their fucking neck with a golf club.
Disrespecting me like that in my house. You think I'm that stupid? I know you looking at me being like, oh, this bastard, we could take advantage advantage of him you're lucky i didn't hang you from my fucking balcony okay i'm not stupid i'm funny i'm goofy but i'm never to be underestimated i'm never stupid i know what's going on twelve thousand dollars to hang some wallpaper after the little scammers went i stopped having an urge to like put the wallpaper up and remodel my house so i'm just like all right whatever it wasn't like discouragement it was just like wait for a second and all of a sudden my urge has like come back of like i want to remodel things and get wallpaper and stuff so i want to do my whole kitchen why am i having the urges after i just cut off my biggest source of income i don't fucking know but we're just gonna go with it so last night i tell myself okay so you want to have some urges to remodel the house find me somebody then kind of like i did with the photographer and i was like i don't want this to be a hassle i don't want to deal with trying to find people and like post on social media and ask and have to vet through all these people.
Just fucking make it happen. I don't want to deal with the hassle of it.
I was being prude about it. I was being a little etha.
I was setting a boundary down with my soul. If you want to desire all this shit, okay, line it up.
And that is one thing that my soul will do is line it up. But it's going to test me first.
So today, I'm having a great day. Everything's been going great.
And I was driving back home from running errands and shit. And I look over and I like saw this girl who was outside doing advertising for like a sushi restaurant.
And she one of the big signs and she was holding it like you know how back in the day they used to have the people out front and they would spin the signs flip them around it's not like that like that shit is so obnoxious because i can't fucking read the sign you over here slinging it throwing it around i can't fucking read it so i'm glad people got some sense now and realize don't sling the fucking sign around anyway the girl's standing outside and she's holding the sign with like the arrow thing and it's like a big sign bigger than her and it's hot balls in dallas and i felt so bad like she was standing out there and i felt bad when i drove by her like i had like a uh and i have this thing i've talked about it before i have this thing with people where I feel when I need to give them money I've had it my whole life my dad has it my sister has it everybody in my family has it it's just like a thing like an intuitive thing we know when people need it and I listen to it every single time I kind of have one of those hits of like that little intuitive stop the car. And I was like, how? That was my first reaction was no.
I just had to leave a podcast deal and leave an agency because I feel like nobody's looking out for me. I no longer have my biggest source of income.
So I had a little bit of hesitation, feeling not looked after by nobody to feel responsible to go look after people still but i don't play god i don't pick and choose who needs help needs the help i know this little feeling i got i know the intuition i got when people need it i'm not getting in the way of it and i've got the money in my fucking hand so i'll go give it to her but when i got to that point of like okay i'm not living in I'm not living in nothing. I've got the cash on me.
Something told me to go give her a hundred bucks. And I actually have a envelope in my bag at all times with bills in it, like cash.
So I always have cash on me because I give out money to people all the time like that. Certain waiters, certain people in restaurants, I'll weirdly get a thing and I'll just i need to have cash on me so i can listen to it and i make sure i do that so i always have like an envelope of cash on me so i'm like you know what if i'm meant to turn the car around i'll know immediately i heard my soul say turn the fuck around not like mean or or scared.
It was nothing to do with guilt. It was just like urgent, like turnaround, like stern.
And like, I knew what I needed to do. And I wasn't going to pout and have a fit about it.
So I turned around. I about flipped the car trying to spin it till I could pass.
I'm like, I got to go get my gear. So I go and I park in this little like parking lot because I have to park, walk down this hill and then go across the intersection to go where the girl is.
So while I'm walking up to her, something tells me 200. So I was like, okay, I'll give her 200, whatever.
I got the cash on me. I'll give it to her.
So I go tryingotting down the hill. I go across the street and I walk up to the girl.

So I pull out the 200 and I fold it in my hand and I walked up to her and I was like,

hey, someone told me to give this to you.

Take it.

And I pointed at the sign.

I said, don't tell nobody.

Don't tell them that I gave this to you.

You keep this for yourself.

Okay.

Something told me to give it to you.

Love you.

Hope you have a good day.

Be safe.

And I ran back across the intersection.

I get in my car and i back out and i go to like turn around this parking lot and this car pulls up this truck pulls up and there's this woman in there and she's waving at me and so i put it on my window and i was like hey what's he and she goes, are you Leo Skeppy? And like yeah hey girl how are you what's up I love when I meet you guys and this woman gets so excited she gets out the truck and she's like oh my god I'm obsessed with you she's like can we take a photo I was like of course so she's like I was just watching your video the other day I was watching you with boots and I was watching the bunny how's the bunny i was like bunny's great and she's like oh i'm like dressed like this because i own a construction and remodeling company and i was like hold the fuck on give me your card i would like to work with you and i could tell by this woman's vibe she's not the scammer type she's not to be underestimated either like she's she knows her shit i could tell by like the vibe of her i could tell a scammer immediately but like she was cool as hell and she knew me she liked me we took a photo it was so cute but she was like what were you doing i saw you running across the intersection i was like oh i went to go give the girls some money like i had like an intuitive thing i went and gave her money and she was like oh i saw you running across the thing and i was like no way it's you but i had to pull in the check so if that ain't a synchronicity motherfucker i don't know what is

if i had not been running across the intersection at that time she wouldn't have seen me but the

thing is i cut the light i didn't wait for it to tell me to walk i ran across she didn't almost

hit me or nothing but i ran when i wasn't supposed to because i got a weird urge to i

Well, I'll a weird urge to. I know how to cut traffic.
Come on. Like if you don't jaywalk, please grow up.
Go the fuck up. You think I'm standing there waiting for the beep, beep, beep.
Wait. No.
I got somewhere to be, you know. But that was T with that whole situation.
And a weird thing kind of like clicked. After it happened.
It was like, it kind of was like a full circle moment where it was like an energetic chapter close where it was like full fledged. No matter how bad I feel like I'm not looked after, I will still trust my soul.
Even if it means I got to look after somebody else, I can't not do it. Like, it's just who I am.
It's how I am. And when I know to do something for somebody, I do it.
I don't care if it's my last $200 I got. If I feel that feeling to give it, I'm going to give it.
And the other thing that made me also hesitate was like, I have a lot of like anger a little bit because I've been taken advantage of by so many people online and I've given away like over $50,000. I'm going to just keep it real with you.
I'm not saying this for pity. I'm not saying this for you to like me.
I'm fucking pissed. I gave that shit away.
So many people tugged at my heartstrings with the go fund me's with the help me pay my rent with the, I can't afford this i can't afford that so many people like got to me and were bullshit liars a lot of them i helped and they actually needed it and i could like tell by how appreciative they were but a lot of people took advantage of me and so much money i sent out and i don't have enough money where i can just piss away 50 grand and not feel it like my first month i made my sub stack i made like 10 grand i fucking gave it all away because people were asking me in the sub stack i can't afford groceries i can't afford my rent and i feel bad i want to take care of everybody i made the sub stack to help by not making money from my podcast deal. And then like a fucking idiot, I give all of it away.
Oh my God. Like I have a lot of like irritation with that shit, but I don't want to feel irritation with giving.
And that's one thing that I'm working on with my soul is like, I want to have so much that giving feels like breathing. It's like, like I can just give it and I don't feel it.
I want to give and not feel an impact on myself. That's what I want to fucking be able to do.
But this whole situation kind of felt like a close the chapter on that where like giving comes with irritation because people lied, people scammed you or people just didn't appreciate nothing. Like, I don't care no'm gonna give when my soul tells me to give i'm not doing it because you manipulated me to fucking do it i'm done with it and this whole experience felt like a really big like full circle moment and like a lockdown of like we're done with that when we give now it's because it's like breathing and i'm not gonna do the whole guilt shit like i know when it's guilt and i know it's my intuition to give it's scary as shit right now because i do not know what's happening i don't know what's coming i don't know if the clothing drops are going to be successful i hope i have a little bit of like proof that like my merch always sold out.
But like, I don't know how this is going to go.

I genuinely don't.

I want to say I'm scared, but I'm not.

Because I'm just like so trusting at this point.

Something will line up.

I don't know.

I don't know what the hell is going on.

But I just want to be transparent and talk about it.

Because this is all the things I'm dealing with.

And it's like hard.

Is it? it's not hey that was a nice realization it's not hard to be in this position to walk away from things that i'm not meant to be and it's not hard it's actually very easy because i feel so at peace with everything weirdly i feel very much at peace very happy so cool i guess that's how we can leave this episode i feel good i feel better a little a little bit of this was like ranting event in and out but this is what the hell my soul wanted to say i guess this is one more thing that wants to come out it's kind of bumming me out i'm like hesitating if i'm even gonna post this episode but if i do not post this it means i'm censoring my soul and i didn't just make all these decisions to censor it myself like i feel bad for talking about how people have treated me but if you didn't want me to talk about it you should have fucking treated me better like if things impact me and it's what i'm going through sorry if that's how the fuck you're painted clearly like i feel bad how people make me feel about them and i feel bad for how i have to talk about the truth of what happened because it makes them look like shit like i still feel bad i hope nobody like takes offense to it but like if you do it's your own fucking doing like if you wanted me to talk better about you you should have fucking treated me better i'm not saying nothing out of spite out of like anger to like attack nobody it's like i've never name dropped with all the people who have fucked me over royally on this podcast like i don't like to do that but i think going forward it's like now that i'm being so just transparent and honest it is what it is i'm never gonna talk to just rip somebody and be mean but like if a situation happens and it's something i gotta explain or talk about because it's how it's impacted me you don't get to fucking decide how what impacted me how it sounds and how it makes you look that's my soul reassuring me right there so if you needed that little piece too there you go because something wanted me to say that i know who it was you know who it was i feel like i need a piece of wine oh my god i need to go have a wine while i'm I'm holy shit it's so weird because i can feel my logical mind being like this could have been the biggest mistake of your entire life ending everything and recording this episode but i don't feel like that it's my logical mind saying it but i don't feel like that i don't feel like it was a mistake we'll see that's all i got for this week's episode love you all so bad everything you need from me is in the description my sub stack is also in the description that's where i go live and talk about the clothing updates and the journal and everything if you want to join the family go ahead if you don't want to okay hang out with me here i will keep the ads on the YouTube version of this because I need to make fucking something

from the goddamn podcast, all right?

YouTube is separate.

The podcast deal was for like the audio side,

but the YouTube ads,

girl, pay for YouTube premium, YouTube red.

I pay for it.

I don't like ads,

but I'm gonna make a little something off this shit.

But that's it.

I just want to say I love you guys so bad.

But that's it.

That's all I got for this week.

So love you so bad. I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.
Wait, I love you guys so bad. But that's it.
That's all I got for this week. So love you so bad.

I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

Wait, I didn't say that right.

Everybody be safe.

Take care of yourself.

And I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.

There we go.