The Island Bullies Are Back

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

I mean, I don't want to use World War II references.

Please.

But above my refrigerator, on the top of my refrigerator, you know what I call it? Oshawitz. Dude.
Why? There's 93. I'm not kidding you.
I have 93 traps. The hotels.
Yeah, the little mouse trap? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you mean the ant trap? Ant trap.
The ant traps. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have 94, 93 of them in there, right? And how many ants have you caught? 6 million? No, about 8 No, I've caught thousands of them And what? 6 million is a funny joke God damn it dude I missed the joke I missed the joke dude That joke was so good 6 million, yeah That's how many ants you got You know what, here,? Here, if we redid the joke, I would have said- God damn, that was good. I would have said, how many ants did you get? Six million? And you would have said, that's what they say.
I know. I know.
I know. But I didn't even- It's all good.
Get it. I'm so sorry.
That's how good you are. No, I'm not good.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
So no, I was being literal about it. I got you.
I know. Yeah, I mean, so probably thousands.
Is there food up there? Apparently what happens in the summer is it gets so hot. They have to come inside.
They have to come inside. I know.
I got spiders all over my house. Spiders the same way? And the dog catches the spiders.
And this is the funniest part. She's sick.
She's sick. She plays with them.
She doesn't kill them right away. She pushes them in the corner with her nose and keeps them in there.
Right. Like a maniac.
And then I'll come over you doing what are you doing and then she's like and she'll look and the spider will be like i don't know where to go yeah yeah she pushes it up against the wall and she waits for me to get there then she kills it yeah it's kind of tight i like that little hunter mentality dude you know what i like to do what when i'm taking a bath sometimes i'll get a spider and i talk i go you want to go swimming right but they can't swim no they can't when you're taking a bath do you ever see bugs oh what do you mean yeah yeah that's where they love because there's the pipes the water all that they love all that stuff yeah i used to think putting a spider down the drain or down the like in the toilet kills it i've seen spiders come right back up i'm not even kidding i've seen spider come right back up you know what i did once this is when i was bored and i think my xbox is broken right but check this out dude what do you mean it's broken it was this is when this the very first xbox broke when i had like 15 20 years ago what's it called the red ring of death is that what it was the red ring of death yeah you remember right i remember that so i had nothing to do during the day you know i mean and so i stared at a you know a scout ant a scout ant yeah i don't know what that is so what sometimes i think that's i mean i'm not a oh they send him in early huh right so there's a guy they send you know it's like our carlos yeah yeah yeah and go go see go check it out go check it out yeah so whenever sometimes you'll see like an ant by itself you know i mean you know just by himself it's crazy imagine dude imagine being and then seeing someone you know i mean a human this gigantic mountain thing right so i saw an ant grab a cracker like a full-size cracker no it was like a chunk of a cracker but you know i mean he's like i'm gonna bring this to the village so from the kitchen i tracked him i let him carry it for a long time that's nice of you right all the way to the living room which probably took about two hours right i scooped him back up and i made him start over i made him start over he you know yeah what the fuck dude that's the ant and i let him do it again yeah you got you got to teach him a lesson you can't just crush him people's attitude towards those bugs wide but uh harming or killing bugs uh important to find strong disapproval of such actions find him cruel and unethical, even concerning psychological tendencies in children,

undeveloped empathy, and psychopathic behavior.

What do you think?

What you're trying to tell me is this.

When Dahmer was a kid.

That was in the movie.

Right.

That was in the movie.

Get a bag of bones, right?

If I hit a bag of ants, it would be the same sign?

Pretty close.

I don't think so.

Well, it's near. I don't.

If I hit a jar of dead ants, I don't think it's the same as bone. Wait a minute, dude.
You have a whole jar of ants? Yeah, that's crazy. That's even crazier.
How many are in the jar? Six million? I have an Auschwitz of ants in a jar. So what you're saying to me right now is if you had a son.
Yeah. I'm your sick head.
You are my son. I was in the backyard.
Hey, buddy, what were you doing out back? Nothing. Nothing? It seems like you have stuff in your hands in your pockets.
What is that? Nothing. No, show me your hands, bud.
I want to see. Oh, my God.
Is that? That's right. That's a bunch of dead grasshoppers? Yeah.

What are you doing?

Why do you have so many?

What are you doing?

I like to pluck the wings.

You pluck the wings off the grasshoppers?

Yeah, and then they still alive when I poke the wings.

Oh, my God.

And you know what they do?

What?

They get hurt.

And you like this?

Feel good.

I get hard when I do that.

Well, I'm glad I'm divorcing your mom.

Anyway, I pluck the wing, right? And then what I do is I take a stick. Yeah.
A little teeny stick. I grab eye, eye.
You poke out their eyes. I poke eye out, right? You know what I do? Then they go swirly.
Oh my God. Because they don't know what's going on.
So they go in a circle. They go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hello, adoption agency? You would do that. We want to give them back.
Yeah. What would you do this? Because you're my adopted son obviously obviously in this scenario yeah okay what about this when they adopt a kid from russia this has happened and you know you know russian kids crazy i don't know maybe gotta be knife work knife work yeah yeah yeah they know how to they know how to do that they do yeah what is that what is that called yeah i like that the blade yeah what the butterfly knife they can do that that's do watch this do google a kid with a butterfly knife i guarantee he's a russian kid who knows how to do it yeah 100 if you adopt if you adopt a russian kid who can butterfly knife right Or daddy you want to play a game And then you know that Right Like remember in Aliens Was it Aliens Aliens And they let the The robot Look at this There's a little Russian girl Right now Right Obviously playing with a butterfly knife Yeah And her dad is like Very good girl Very good girl Yeah yeah yeah You have to learn Yeah So.
So if you had a Russian kid, he was doing some shady shit.

Oh, yeah.

He's three years old, dropped him from Russia.

Yeah.

Like you wake up one night, right?

And he's just standing over you with a fucking butterfly knife.

And for some reason, a spatula, right?

Good morning, baby.

You know what I mean?

Or, you know, what would it take for you to go back to Russia?

He would make a good fight scene for sure out of me and the kid. I mean, I'd have to fight him.
He's obviously instigating a fight. Then butterfly knife and the spatula? Is he going to cook me something or we're going to fight? Yeah, I made spaghetti, daddy.
Okay. Do you want pasta? No, you're going back, dude.
Really? We're putting you back on the boat. Yeah, I think I don't know how.
But that would really traumatize the kid he traumatized me i i know i don't need that but can't you change him no dude that's what they say and then damer's dad was like we can't believe he was boiling body oh that's right they acted like they didn't know it was coming the whole time right that's what you do you cannot change that back on the boat lot of signs, you know what I mean? And I get it like if you're emo. Emo's different than psychotic.
Emo's different than psychotic. For sure.
But what I'm saying is one of the signs, probably because I've never had children. Right.
But if your son doesn't have any friends. Like, okay, so I'm your son.
I have no friends, dog. Well, let's get you some friends, buddy.
I don't want friends. I want to stay in the room forever, dog.
dog Okay what are you doing in the room though What I'm plucking fucking caterpillar wings dad I'm plucking their eyes out Alright well alright What do you mean alright dad comedy guy Oh man Oh man what you know what I mean Dude you know what Ron Howard had a better career than you dad yeah he did yeah if there's a redhead he's the top redhead well i agree yeah you know what dad fuck you you know what dad i have redheads too because of the genetic code i can't get any pussy dad because you're fucking bullshit well that's your fault no it's your fault too dad because you gave me the red hair you freak i'll kill you that's what i lasted five seconds that's what i'm trying to get to unless yeah well look at the behavioral traits of kids who might be psychotic people who have cruelty to animals fascination with fire oh that one me for sure that's a good one persistent bedwetting that's bedwetting that's me i still do that anti-social behavior that's what's an anti-social behavior you don't want to go talk to people you don't want to be around people no that's not us okay that's not us manipulative or deceitful behavior that's us yeah that's me yeah you manipulate you're the king manipulator lack of empathy empathy and remorse we have that all right aggression and violence me spades not me fascination with violence and death that's more you than me well i like ballerina last night i saw that that's pretty violent was it what it was violent you don't know what ballerina is what is ballerina well let me John Wick. Oh, it's John Wick? So what they're trying to do is try to, you know what I mean, expand the franchise.
Oh, God. I couldn't even get to the last one.
It flopped. It was so bad.
It was, you know what? There was some disconnection. I don't think it was directed well.
But the last one wasn't good either. I tried to watch it.
It was so bad. Oh, so they're having this girl.
Who is that girl? Anna Ademas. She plays the ballerina? Yeah.
This movie didn't do well? She's huge. She's great in it, too.
She oh so they're having this girl who is that girl that's she plays the ballerina yeah this movie didn't do well she's huge she's great in it too she's so you can you know here's what's sad about ballerina okay i'm not a fucking film critic but we are kind of yeah we are kind of but when you're watching her you know she's trying so hard to be i mean look at she's doing all the john wick shit yeah you know i mean getting thrown over cabinets you know i mean i mean doing so she's doing her own stunts oh yeah and she's doing it and you're in your and you you're you're you're saying i wish this was a better movie for you because you are doing such hard work she's busting ass busting your fucking ass 106 million worldwide i i gotta be honest with you i bet you the budget wasn't that high. Oh my God.
It had to be a hundred million dollar movie. No way.
Was it that visually stunning? It had to be. The stunts and all that.
Because the John Wick history. How much was Ballerine? 80 million.
To 90 million. Yeah.
It had to have been. Okay.
Because look at the John Wick franchise as a whole. They started that whole thing with such low budget.
Nothing. It was like 10, 20 million or something.
Booboyaga. Booboyaga.
I'm telling you. That's.
By the way. I watched the worst documentary of all time last night let me guess what it is what a waste of time can i guess the topic go ahead trending on netflix oh i i know what it is what what do i get if i guess it give anything you want what do you want poop cruise that was poop cruise is that really 100 yeah yeah i couldn't get through past the 15 minutes it sucked yeah yeah by the way they made a five second story they made it a fucking hour movie it stinks it stinks and they should have told it from different perspectives they got like the most the least entertaining people to talk about it get some weirdos get some weirdos that were on the boat i want the guy they have people being like it was out of control and there's poop coming out of the dreams no i want the guy who's like i'm the one that made the tents and i was collecting poop i want that guy in the documentary where's the weirdo but was he in on the boat you tell me there's not one of those guys on a fucking carnival cruise line okay anybody that goes on these things first of all is a maniac you know there's lifers they go on these things there's people that stay on cruises they just just go cruise to cruise.
When you ever see a TikTok with Carnival Cruise and I look at the pool party, it seems like a nightmare. Number one, I'll tell you what.
It looks insane at sea. Too many people.
Way too many people. Right? Music's not my thing.
That kind of music. Because it's constant.
Everywhere you go, it's- Give me the loot. Give me the loot.
I don't know what they're playing. I do love that.
I don't know what they're playing. I do love that.
It's something like Biggie or something. I love Give Me the Loot.
I love Give Me the Loot, the song. No, they're playing.
Yeah, but on a boat, I don't want to hear it. Give me the loot.
Give me the loot. You know, I don't want to hear it.
Right? Because it's like, I've never done that. You don't do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, you know, Give Me the Loot.
I've never done that. Now, if it was Portishead, you'd be into it.
Oh, my God, yeah, yeah. Right.
You know what? Mazzy Star. Fine.
Mazzy Star is great. Whatever, right whatever right well that's a suicidal song on a boat wouldn't be good i know but i could cut with myself with my emo friends you know what i mean so it's the music too many people give me another reason why you wouldn't go on that cruise well i buffets you know give me the creeps i have i'm germaphobic i think buffet to me is night nightmare everyone's yeah...
Yeah. ...banging in this shit.

Exactly.

No, fuck that.

No, thank you.

Also, there is something to be said about unlimited booze

and booze available all day.

In a trapped environment...

Yeah, hallelujah, dude.

Okay, give me something.

Can I go back to the buffet?

Sure.

Never choose a buffet without a glass paneling.

Oh, bro.

Bro, if there's no glass paneling, forget it. And guess what? Who's the fucker that has to clean that fucking thing oh gross oh god you know i mean it's people's breath it's breaths and snot and hands and fingers yeah it's gross all right here's another thing i don't think that um i'd be able to sleep well in on a boat because you'd have to pay extra to get a can you get a window room room? I think they're all window rooms, right? There's no inland room? I would imagine.
Why would there be? How could there be? They all have to be on the outside of the boat. I would need a window.
Uh-huh. Stop.
Is the shower water, even without like, is the shower water good? It's filtered clean water. You can't, it's non-potable.
Thank you. So you can't drink it, but you can shower shower with it why is that i want to shower in in water that i can drink i totally agree i totally agree don't you like i want to put it in my body but i could put it outside my body and by the way this it gets in my body when it's the pores yeah it's on my yeah i want fiji water for shower water yeah 100 yeah it contained Yeah.
It contained bacterias, viruses, chemicals, so

yeah, you can't drink it. But also,

I don't trust that

they're not recycling water. How do

I know? Yeah, you don't know. And you would

never know. You never know.
Even the

fucking water filter I have at my house, sometimes

I don't know. Oh, I think it's bullshit.
I think it's bullshit.

We have filtered water at the house, too, and I'm like,

this didn't do anything. This has high-tech technology,

five filters. You have to use idiom and idiom.
You know what I mean? And all these fucking things, This has high tech technology Five filters You have to use idiom and idiom You know what I mean And all these fucking things I don't even understand And by the way Yeah Idiom and idiom How well do they work Yeah Idiom and idiom But so here's another thing Activities So You're not doing any of those Well let's just throw them out I've never been on a cruise But I assume pool activities is one pool all day okay number two is there a movie theater there is a huge movie theater and a huge performance theater where comedians and musicians and people go to perform but what are they playing in the movie that you know what they're playing what what are they playing what are they playing what are they playing i'm asking you because i've never been i've never fucking i've never been on a cruise what do you think okay you i'm on a boat yeah honey hi let's go to the movie theater what's playing hi welcome to movie theater yeah we have three films available which one would you like to see you're saying to me yes oh we have three films there which one would you like to see let me just read it madea madea is showing in 10 minutes yeah in 10 minutes What is Madea? It's a beautiful heartfelt story A family story About a woman and her extended family Yeah no thank you That's pretty much is it a comedy? It's a comedy Who is Madea? Who plays Madea? Tyler Perry What's another movie that you have here? Oh we have Soul Plane Soul Plane what is that it's Snoop Dogg and some friends are on and Cat Williams they're on a plane can I ask you another question sure is Tyler Perry is that what you said Tyler Perry yeah yeah is he black he is okay I didn't know is that okay it's completely I would hope so big Denzel fan we have any Denzel movies. What's the third movie? I think you can see what the third movie is.
Oh. Amistad.
Oh, my God. Amistad.
Is that about a boat? It is about a boat. Oh, good.
Do you have Titanic? Because I like White Boat. No, no, no.
Oh, okay. We found that that tested negative with people on cruise.
With the people on cruise what else is there is there darts like what else happened shuffleboard uh uh there's also water slides they said and then people really get off on the casino it's a fucking floating casino oh it's a casino yeah it's another way for people to lose their mortgage can you smoke inside the casino you think you better believe it okay good it's a, good. It's a boat.
You can do whatever the fuck you want. Maritime law, baby.
You can have as much fun as possible. Look, there's a punchliner comedy club.
There's an IMAX theater. You can play deal or no deal live.
Wow. Drive-in movies.
Oh, dive-in movies. Yeah.
Karaoke, nightmare. Piano bar, live music, a nightclub.
Yeah. A sports bar, and then a fancy, what does that say? Go ahead, that's in your stuff blan the blank blank it's a dazzling performance version so what is this is that carnival's website yeah it's their activity okay so i want to ask you this god no thanks man sometimes you know i'll run into a comic i haven't seen in a very long time this just happened to you no just general sometimes you just run into a guy like oh so-and-so yeah i saw i haven't seen you in 20 years time.
Does it just happen to you? No, just general. Sometimes you just run into a guy like, oh, so-and-so.

Yeah, I saw a guy.

I haven't seen you in 20 years or whatever.

I literally just saw, do you know who Tarun Shetty is?

Love Tarun.

Yeah, I just ran into him.

I haven't seen him in a long, long time.

And then they go, yeah, I've been doing the cruises, that thing.

Oh, when they tell you they have.

Oh, right.

Well, they've been doing, they've been gone because that's how they make it, which is

a great, a cruise doing stand-up on a cruise yeah would you do it i mean because i've never been offered it let me tell you something let me just say something when this show's over and we aren't on this show anymore yeah we might have to cruise i'm i have nothing against it he might be cruising it might be bad friends at sea we we could do that like because chelsea lynn does it i think the workaholic boys are doing it they are doing it bert bert's done it a cruise yeah they all do cruises what i'm saying is just you as a stand-up i know getting hired what you're doing i know what am i doing You're saying that my career is headed in the path that I will be a cruise. You're a movie star, and that's insane.
Please, dude. I'm not even a TV star.
You got something coming. I can feel it.
Okay. I made some calls, but my point is this.
Okay, dude. All right.
But what I'm saying is that... I couldn't...
No. I don't know if I could do it.
I don't know if I have the material for it. I's really what it is.
It would kill my soul to eat shit on a boat and then not be able to leave. When you bomb, where do you go? And then I have to go to 41C, my bunk.
I have to eat shit and then walk past people to my bunk. I've lived that life.
It hurts. When you fucking eat shit at a a bad room and then you're like i'll be in the back sitting at a table eating chicken wings yeah until i have to go until my ride takes me back to the hotel like that i mean i bomb and then i'm up there oh my god and your opener's in there too yeah we have to chat it out and he's like i killed you're like oh i know i saw you i used to play harrah's in vegas and to do 16 shows in a week.
That's fucking ridiculous. Monday through Sunday.
Ridiculous. So one time I had really, really, like it was eight people.
People that don't know, what happens is when you don't have a name and you're doing a club like Harrah's in Vegas, they don't care who it is. No, they're just giving off free tickets.
Yeah, free tickets. People show up.
They don't know who the fuck you are. Which is why we're so grateful for the fans.
So grateful. Please God, come see us.
Keep coming. So we don't have to go back to Paris and do 19 shows.
Yeah. So I had one particular.
It was like seven people in a 200-seat room. I bombed so hard.
You cannot kill with seven people. I went to the Geraldina's.
Is that what it's called? The ice cream place? Hmm. Giraldi's? Giraldi's? Giraldi's.
No, no, no. Girardelli.
Girardelli. Girardelli.
Yeah. Thank you.
Wow. The fucking foreigner got it.
Girardelli ice cream place. I got a sundae after the show.
That's kind of a nice reward. Right.
But the two people that went to the seven, of the seven, right? And the guy goes to me, yo, nice's so funny it's not you were funny it's not you know you're pretty good night like he acknowledged my attempt a guy shook my hand one time i think i was in god i want to say i i want to say not portland but i was in the northwest somewhere and i don't remember where i was because i was all let me guess northwest broken on the road tacoma yeah it could have been tacoma it was up in the northwest somewhere but i was broken on the road and a guy said and i had such a fucking mid-ass bullshit set and he shook my hand and smiled very nice because i was saying hi to people on the way out you i used to do that a lot, you know, because you just wanted to say thanks for coming. Sure.
And the guy goes, keep swinging. Keep swinging.
And by the way, it's not even that mean. It's just perfect.
It's perfect. It's like saying, you'll hit the, come on, you're doing it.
You're all right. You'll be, you know, don't worry about it.
Keep swinging. Which means that you struck out.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I see that now that you struck out. He's saying- Batter out.
Get back in the batter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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shopify.com slash badfriends. Keep swinging is- Keep swinging is a really good- Shout out to that guy that stayed with me for 12 years yeah um pretty funny hurts too you're pretty funny you're pretty yeah pretty funny i don't like it's mean when they go when they say it like a surprise when they go you were pretty funny like it blew their mind oh i think that's worse they saw you yeah you were actually funny that's fucking very good he knows that's so mean yeah or or yeah you really want to get under a comedian's skin yeah fans go up to the headliner shake his or her hand and go of your dude funny funny stuff i loved the guy before you that will fuck them up in a way it's irreparable damage but say it real cut go god i love that guy right before you Say his name again.
Say their name again. Make the headliner tell you the other person.
That kills the headliner so much. I'll tell you what to do.
It's the meanest thing. Same thing.
If you see the opener with the headliner standing next to each other. Yes, I know.
This is good. Go to the opener and go, you should headline.
Oh, God. It's so funny.
You should have been the headliner, right? That will destroy every ounce of fucking joy inside your heart. It hurts so fucking bad.
Hey, it's happened to all of us, dude. It's happened so much.
We've been on both sides of the fence. Both sides of the fence.
I told you that story where I love the National. I follow them from the beginning.
I saw them in small shows. Then we saw them open the Hollywood Bowl for R.E.M.
And my wife hates R.E.M. so much, we left after the national.
We paid for R.E.M.'s tickets to watch the opening act. Your wife hates R.E.M.
That's very annoying to me. Loads are R.E.M.
That's the most annoying thing I've ever heard. Let me tell you something.
Yeah. I never cared.
I never, I always thought, whatever, R.E.M.'s fine. They're not a favorite of mine.
I don't listen to them. Oh, my God.
But now, because of her hate, I've also found out why she hates them. Can I guess? Yeah.
Let me think. Too white.
Like in a generic college radio. So college-y, white, whiny guy.
Right. It's whiny white guy.
She hates whiny white guys. Ah, white guy ah look at this fucking band that's what look at look at their fucking faces mike mills mike mills is the one the glasses brother he is the whitest of the whites right that's whiter than me yeah but peter buck the guy to the far left right what do you think i like white dudes like that yeah but he doesn't belong which one of these things doesn't belong peter buck he does not belong okay that's the guy to the left what do you think of michael stipe i think he's a brilliant songwriter he is but i like his voice just don't care okay that's insane i think the song i mean automatic for people there's just so many great albums that they've done that it's like i just when when when I heard your wife just now doesn't like R.E.M., it really kind of shocked me.
Here's why. It's one of the greatest bands of all time, I think.
I disagree. You know, they'll never go up there as one of the greatest bands.
They are, he's a brilliant songwriter. Are you out of your fucking mind? No one names R.E.M.
as one of the greatest bands and you'll never listen to their albums again once you've done with them. Are you out of your fucking mind? I listen to it all the don't labels of the reconstruction i know the albums let me say something give me your spotify and prove to me that you listen to them recently okay liar i mean how do you liar i don't have i can know apple music i can do what are you my dad yeah right even download it let's say if you because when you download a song that means you really like it sure is.
Is it downloaded? So let's see. This is downloaded, right?

Yeah, click on it.

I'm going to go to artist.

I don't think I have it.

I hope not.

Look.

Downloaded.

No.

R.E.M.

That's just on.

That's the library.

No.

That's not.

Downloaded.

Look at the top.

Give it to me.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know when it's downloaded.

Press R.E.M.

It has that little white dot.

It means it's downloaded under my phone.

Automatic for the people. All you have is one song night swimming one song okay one song yeah and on now go to my non and you have one song on the other album one dot there it is driver eight that's i know don't give it two songs he loves that downloaded downloaded now let's go back to now.
Oh, let's go back to just library now. Lord please please let me improve In the way that you hate give me the loot give me the loot.
I hate R.E.F. I love Biggie.
What are you talking about? No you don't want him on a boat. I don't think he killed Tupac He didn't.
Or his people Did he did? No so the irony of going to an opening act for the record was so we could see the national because we love them and i had to leave for rem and i don't hate rem i think michael's one of the best songwriters i just don't fucking care okay i mean it's it's if you believe they put a man on the moon man man on the moon what's the song about

if you believe

there's nothing out there to see

the song is about who

Andy Kaufman I know dude

unbelievable yeah it's incredible first time I've ever heard

of even before I even knew who Lenny

Bruce is I learned it from

R.E.M. you want me to drop the act

I like R.E.M. a lot do you really yeah I do dude did you leave yeah we left HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA stay yeah of course i wanted to fucking stay yeah i knew it dude as soon as you told me that irked you i was like well i'm gonna dig as deep to dig as deep as I can.
That was good because that was really getting me going. Because here's the thing.
I don't even know if I went to a show of a band that I really loved and if my significant other said, let's leave. I don't know if I could.
I think that would be a deal breaker for me. It would hurt.
Yeah. Well, here was the deal.
We went for the National. Truly, I want to see the National.
So that's really because I'd never seen them in that big of a venue. So we wanted to see that.
And then talk about a beautiful full circle. They played the Hollywood Bowl the next year solo headlining.
And then I thought we should go see the opening band of that and leave before the National. Okay.
Who was opening a band of that? No, it was a – It wasn't a fucking nobody. It was like a band where you're like, oh, they could sell a lot of tickets.

Yeah.

Sometimes you need two bands to sell.

Sometimes you need two bands to sell a lot of tickets.

To be a big, yeah, of course.

I have no shame in it.

I get that.

What do you mean?

You and I?

We love it together.

Sometimes we're the killer combination.

Yeah, good combination.

That's why we're doing London and Dublin together.

Yeah.

And we can announce it.

Saudi Arabia.

We're doing Saudi Arabia.

We're doing the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

Yeah.

But to me, that would be like, the girl that I'm seeing now, she's like, let's watch Hamilton.

I didn't know anything about it.

The play?

Yeah.

Wait, the movie?

A play.

She goes, because I guess they're going to do, I feel so bad about this, dude.

What?

So she goes, well, in New York, the original cast is gonna do like one show right and to be impressive i go i could maybe try to get tickets for that can you imagine how expensive that guess what what i can't that's what i found out i have no power that's for i call people they're like get the fuck out of here, dude. I go, oh, okay.
An impossible ticket. That's like for Bradley Cooper and whoever hot.
That's what I'm saying. I thought that maybe I could get a back row thing.
Brother. I know brother.
I don't know. No.
About Hamilton. Cause here's what happens.
Yeah. They put in that show is going to be the coolest, hottest New York celebrities in the, in the, in the orchestra.
Then in the top balcony, the, the, that will be, uh, people who used to be super coolest, hottest New York celebrities in the orchestra. Then in the top balcony, that will be people who used to be super famous but are still cool and relevant.
Corey Feldman. What the fuck? I'm going to throw some names.
You see if they get a kid to come or not. In the balcony? Yeah, in the balcony.
Say a name. I'll tell you if they're in orchestra, balcony, or upper deck.
This is a good one. Or back upper deck.
Charlize Theron. Orchestra.

That's good.

Orchestra.

Oh, yeah.

The floor.

They're on the floor. Okay.

Charlie.

All right.

Pauly Shore.

Pulling tickets out front.

Scalping tickets.

He's scalping tickets out front.

No, he's a ticket ripper.

He's a ticket ripper.

Oh, he's a ticket ripper.

Row four, brother.

Okay.

We love you, Pauly.

We love you, too.

Yeah.

No, let's keep going.

We wouldn't get in the fucking building is the point. Okay.
What's that guy? No, okay. What's that guy? Obviously not in there.
If you have to say what's that guy, he's not inside. Harry Styles.
Orchestra. Orchestra.
By the way, second row. Okay.
They want him in the shot of the reverse camera shot of Hamilton with Harry right there. right there that you know the picture that they want okay let's go um let's go to um sally fields i gotta be honest with you balcony one she's in the first balcony wow here's what they pitch her she goes oh i'd like to be down in the orchestra and they go sally it's kind of hard to see from down there you might because of your age but i'm four nine no no i'm saying yeah that's why you need to be elevated to see down to the street.
they go, Sally, it's kind of hard to see from down there. You might, because of your age.
But I'm 4'9".

No, no, no.

I'm saying, yeah, that's why you need to be elevated to see down to the stage.

Oh, you're as a talent guy that works for Hamilton.

Yeah.

That's really.

Oh, so I'm calling.

Yeah, we'd be afraid.

I'm a publisher.

We'd be afraid that you couldn't see the stage from over to people.

So we'd want you elevated to look down.

There's two balconies.

You're in the prime.

You're in the middle one.

You're in the best one.

So can David Schwimmer?

David Schwimmer. Yeah, Schwimmer.
Yes, we do have a seat for David. Where is he sitting? He's in the second balcony.
Oh, second balcony? I think he's orchestra. You do? Yeah, I think he's orchestra.
He's actually in the second balcony, and he's in the middle row. He's in the dead center.
So really, David Schwimmer would get that. Dead center, though.
Yeah. Heets to see right down.
Am I wrong? That's yeah.

All right.

I have.

Who else do you have on your team?

On your in your roster there?

Agent.

What's your name again?

Agent.

Donovan Alejandro.

Crisp.

Is that a new agent?

Are you?

What?

Donovan Alejandro.

Just call me Crisp.

Oh, Crispy.

Dr. Crisp.

Oh, I know Mr. Crisp.

I'm a doctor.

Oh, Dr. Crisp.

Yeah, but I also do publicist on the site.

Publicist on the site. Damn, what happened to your fucking.
What? What happened in the doctor what do you mean what happened were you what kind of doctor were you um I was a orthopedic surgeon someone's heard me talk about it recently yeah all right so let me hear who else you have on your client list um Molly Ringwald oh she'll be upstairs next to David two seats away Molly will center center two seats away perfect beautiful okay now let's go um Dr. Ken Jeong you know let me see if we have any more tickets actually because I think we might you don't think Ken would get balcony that's insane that hurts you're not Ken I know it's it but honestly you don't think that Ken could get balcony yeah he'd get balcony he'd get first back he'd I didn't want to say it to upset you he'd get middle balcony for sure i already tried they said no oh yeah they said quote get the fuck out of here no shut up they did shut up get the fuck out of here all right you'd get middle balcony i won't i already tried i called you know i mean my peeps and they go it's not no get the fuck out of here really yeah so i go okay i think you could get top row i believe it yeah you don't you One show? I don't think so, dude.
You could get up there. I think you could.
No way. Fuck you guys.
Yeah, no way, right? What do you mean? It's like 600. Andre Agassi.
Oh, he's in there 100%. It's a legend.
A literal legend in his game. Oh, fuck.
Carla Malone. Carla Malone? Yeah, Carla Malone.
You're saying Carl Malone? Carla Malone, the basketball player. Or the 15-year-old he got pregnant.
Yeah, Carl Malone. Karl Malone Yeah Carla Carla Malone You're saying Carl Malone Carl Malone The basketball player The 15 year old He got pregnant Yeah Carl Malone Carl Malone Would not be Available for that They would not They'd go Wow living legend I don't know You know what we could go If they did Lion King Do you ever see Lion King I went I think the only Third play I ever went to But I had a girlfriend named Christine And she goes let's go watch Pantages You went to go see the Lion King I bought tickets right It was pretty fun Yeah I haven't seen it Yeah there's like a giraffe With a guy in a costume You know what I mean And you're like oh look Yeah Yeah it's pretty good You didn't pay attention to it did you Well I'd never seen the Lion King in any form So it was so riveting to me because i didn't know the story shut the fuck up you never saw the lion king i have never seen little mermaid like any of those disney old things malon i don't know i i princesses of persia any of that stuff what the only thing i saw was nema nemo i saw nemo i saw the one that has like schizophrenia the um dora i forget things you finding dory yeah that one you never where am i that one seen aladdin no i don't even know so when i was watching the lion king i go too old i didn't even know it was about africa it's not no i thought i i don't know anything know anything about it.
All I know, it just says, it's not? No. It's not in Africa? It's in Bakersfield.
Oh, I didn't know. Right? So I know that the lion's in it, but I don't know any other kind of information.
What else do you know about the lion? He's- Mutumba. Mustafa.
Mustafa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mufasa. Mustafa.
Mufasa. M Mufasa I know that there's a thing where he goes

look and there's like a little boy like the little one cub yeah over the ridge yeah I don't think that was in the live play um what's what's um so let's okay I don't know what the Lion King is no Aladdin no Lion King no Little Mermaid okay Little Mermaid let me see you know shut up you're fucking with me i swear on to my mother's life. I don't know what the little, I know that it's a mermaid.
I know she's little. Just based on the, you know, the title.
Yeah. I know that there's a purple creature.
The retund, the fat, purple thing. Purple fat.
Yeah, and she's whatever she does, right? Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly. Yes, bubbly, bubbly.
You're in a clam trap. That's exactly right.
Right, I know that there are clams going, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Right.
Under the sea. Right.
Oh, yeah. I know that kind of stuff.
So you know it. Because you've been in a mall and you go, what the fuck is this And they go it's from the Little Mermaid And you go oh and you retain that information But I don't know anything about that I don't know anything about Aladdin Magic carpet ride dog I know the who song I can show you the world That's it I know the like start a the, like, start a tune.
I can maybe finish it. Go ahead.
Okay. Here is, here is the jungle.
The jungle of. Here is, here is the jungle.
You will be the man of the jungle. You know that song? No.
It's not a real song. I know.
I know. That didn't hit.
I'm being real. Try to sing.
All right, Aladdin. Yeah, but I don't know.
So I don't know Alright Aladdin So I don't know about that But if I have to start What do you think I should start with That's interesting what should he start with If he's starting with one of those old school Disney movies I would say either Peter Pan I know Peter Pan Ask me anything about Peter Pan I'll tell you Peter Pan No he's seen Peter Pan I would say no that's songs of Disney dog we're talking Disney film a classic Disney film I would say honestly I think the Lion King is one of the best Aladdin and Lion King Beauty and the Beast and the Little Mermaid are the three like bangers Beauty and the Beast is so good that was nominated for an Oscar The only animated film ever. What is Beauty and the Beast? Yeah.
Was it? For what? Best picture. Can I add? I don't think I'll pass on Beauty and the Beast.
Oh, fuck. You're wrong.
She's the hottest. Because I believe that you can't, it's inherently, you already know the story based on the photo.
It's your story, Bobby. Okay.
Okay. Explain to me why it would be my story, Andreas.
I'd like to be educated. Money makes you more handsome.
Damn, dude. These guys are- Damn, dude.
What is going on up there in that fucking window? Yeah. It's like you're cursed to be alone forever.
Holy shit, dude. That's not the message.
Beauty inside yeah that's the nice version the beauty is on the inside but to get the princess to your castle sometimes you gotta kidnap her oh no the scary laugh he's about to lose laugh it's good no no I'm not I'm not saying that about you they are it's good no I didn't say that about you stop it stop it wow that's unbelievably good stop it yeah I'll go he's gonna lose his mind yeah yeah true classic oh my god you know whenever you wear true classic Andrew you look so like you think it excruits my body? Very Marlon Brando early, Marlon Brando days. Are you big, serious? Yeah, it looks so clean on you, dude.
When you wear True Classic, you look like Bobby Lee in the early days. When I was 12.
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Talk space. You know, today at four, I went to therapy.
You did go to therapy right before we recorded. Every Thursday I do.
And I tell you something, it's because of my anxiety, right? I need to work through what makes me anxious, right? Because of the trauma that I experienced as a kid, I had to work on these different moments as a kid doing EMDR and all that stuff. I honestly believe that therapy is priceless.
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The girls are back. Damn, dude.
Look at how tan. Fucking tan.
Rat turds, that's what they look like. Stop it.
I'm kidding. How long were you guys in Hawaii? A month.
Wow, look at you guys. My God, you guys look far.
I know, look at how tan they are. And we went to the beach today, too.
Yeah, they did. You've never worn sunscreen? No.
We don't need to. We don't burn.
Like you. Okay, don't take a dot to me.
Talk into the mic, Issa. Hello.
I cannot believe how tan you guys got. They're so tan.
You got so tan. Yeah.
Yeah. We didn't burn once, though.
Yeah, because you guys- Don't say nobody burned. There's Filipinos that burn.
Probably like the lighter Filipinos, but we're not light oh you've never gotten a sunburn

you've never got on that trip but you have gotten a sunburn when i was a kid now did you eat the chocolate cake yeah how much of it the chocolate cake so what happened was i was on gold belly about a month ago and there was an advertisement for a like a double triple chocolate cake Sounds good.

Right?

It comes, they're in Hawaii, and I'm on Ozimpec.

So that cake is not getting eaten. So I put it in the freezer.
Thawed it out a couple nights ago. Right? And I've been begging them to eat it.
Because you want them to be satisfied. Not that.
But I don't want it to go to waste. Yeah, because you can't have it.
Right. I've been eating.
I had it for breakfast. Okay.

I had a slice.

I had made your mom make me a slice for breakfast.

Chocolate cake.

Make a slice?

I go, can I get a slice?

And she sliced it.

And you had it.

Yeah.

That's nice.

How good is it?

It's so good.

It's too decadent, though, is what you're saying.

It's so heavy.

It's heavy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you got it. That's why you just have to eat a small piece of it.

We got like so small.

He was so mad that we took a small piece.

Yeah, I want a big chunk.

Here's another thing that drives me crazy.

Give it to me.

Because they all live with me.

I know.

I've heard.

It's insane.

Wait, you don't right now.

Do you?

I do.

She do.

Gross.

Yeah.

What a nightmare.

Here's another thing.

Is their mom.

Sorry. I go.
Today I go. I'm going to get a sandwich.
She's like. Oh.
I go. Want one? Okay.
I go. What kind? Turkey.
Okay. Get it, right? Mm-hmm.
Comes from where? Where do I get it, you think? Giada? Oh. Uncle Paulie's.
Uncle Paulie's. How good is that sandwich? It's my favorite.
What do you think? The best. We get the sandwich.
She takes the bread, complete bread, takes it out. Takes the bread off of the sandwich? Yeah, she takes all the insides, then busts out her own Filipino bread.
And puts the fucking insides of the sandwich onto the bread. I don't know what kind of bread it is, but Filipino bread.
What kind of bread is it? What is it? Keto. Oh, keto bread.
Oh, she's keto. Oh, she's filikito.
Yeah. And she's keto.
Why? Because she doesn't want to be fat. Your mom's not fat.
She was really fat before. Was she? Would you say that to her? Would you say, mom, you're fat? Yeah.
That's so fucking mean. It's fucking mean it's so mean you guys are fucking mean she would show us old pictures of herself and she was like god i really let myself go like she would show us yeah but you guys that doesn't mean you back it up and go yep fatty but that's normal in our family we just say the truth see you're mean they're mean to each other mean to each other but it.
But it is true. Maybe we should all be like this to our family members.
Was I fat? Yeah. Okay.
Am I fat now? No. No.
In fact, you said something about... You're a narc, by the way.
What did I do? You're a little piece of shit. What did I do? Yeah.
What did I do? So your mom took a photo of my passport photo. And then you tell Kalilah, right? He looks sick.
No, I didn't say that. I said, you look so old already.
Why? You don't think he looks younger now that he lost weight? No, like, I felt so bad. Because, like, on the picture, like, your eyes were like that.
And then, like, your skin was so saggy. I'm Korean, fuck off.
That's how we all look. But I just felt so bad so I texted at the Kalaya and said, Tito Bobby looks so old now.
Oh god, how mean. It's so mean.
It's not. No, but with a crying emoji.
Oh! I didn't see the emoji. Yeah.
It's not you're saying You got emotional because Don't you think it's because of the Ozempic face Or you really think that I look old now Well how old are you Guess how old I am He's got a birthday coming up 54 54 coming up He. Yeah.
And one day you'll get there. No, they won't.
They won't live that long. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, there's no chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, she might. She might.
You're, no, no. Issa's 16, 17? 17.
17, yeah. 17.
When do you turn 18? Next year, March. Is 18 a big deal like it is in the States? Like you can vote and all that shit? Is there voting down there? Give me the rules.
Chucking chickens in the road or what is it? The drinking age? The drinking age is 18 in the Philippines. Yeah, but I feel like in countries like that, people drink anyway before that.
Yeah, see, it doesn't fucking... Oh, so if I was 15 in the Philippines and I walked into a liquor store, could I buy a bottle of whiskey? No, you could if you knew the guy.
He's probably your fucking cousin. Yeah, if you know the guy.
If he was your uncle. Like in the Sorry Sorry stores, you can just...
Wait, wait, wait. Why two sorries? Two sorries.
Yeah, yeah. That's your people's thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It's called Sorry Sorry? Sorry Sorry store.
Alright. Yeah.
It's just like a... It's like a thank you, thank you story.
Oh, I didn't know. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. It's like a my bad, my bad.

When you turn 18, you usually have a debut.

Yeah, debut.

What does debut mean?

It's like a...

Quintanera.

Yeah, it's like quintanera, but for 18-year-olds.

But it happens at 16?

At 18.

18.

And they call it a debut, so you throw a party?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Do they do like extravagant parties?

Extravagant.

Yeah, and gownss are like really big. Are there dwarves? It's like a continuum.
Are there dwarves? They're going to be dwarves. Did you have a debut? Are you going to have a debut? I don't think so.
It's really expensive. How much does it cost? How much does a debut? I don't know.
We should throw her one. You want us to fund your debut?

Yeah.

Guys, click below on the GoFundMe.

Let's do a GoFundMe for your debut.

How much is it?

It says 200,000.

No, what?

$600,000?

Oh, that's a...

Okay, so it's anywhere between $1,000 and $12,000 USD.

$12,000.

$12,000?

Oh, it's for a grand though.

Yeah, but she says... There's moderate? Oh it's for a grand though Yeah but she says

There's moderate

Oh you want a grand

Wait wait

Zoom in

Zoom in

It says grander

Or is this

Grander

Moderate means

So we could

For a thousand to two thousand

United States dollars

You could

Yeah

Do a nice one

For like a big show

You do four grand to twelve thousand

Twelve thousand

A twelve thousand dollar

Filipino

In the Philippines

Debut

I figured you could buy an island

You can buy anything you want for that

Yeah

Thank you. you do four grand at $12,000.
$12,000. A $12,000 Filipino in the Philippines debut.
I figured you could buy an island. You can buy anything you want for that.
Yeah. Right? Look at that.
Is that her debut? Yeah. Wow.
What's the word for debut though? They don't say debut. It's just debut.
They do say that? Yeah. Oh, that's why.
Oh, they say it debu though. Debu.
Debu. Welcome to my debu in Cebu.
Yeah. So a mute? Like how Jewish kids do their fucking, you know, their bar mitz for rap videos? Come to my debu in Cebu.
Can you drink it? So if we did a debu, you would drink? Yeah. And then who's invited? The whole town? Everyone.
The whole town, yeah. That's why it's expensive.
You got to pay for everyone's bullshit. Wow.
It's just like a fucking wedding. You got to pay for everyone's bullshit Wow It's just like a fucking wedding You gotta pay for everyone's bullshit Yeah Is there kind of like Kind of music or no? I've never been to one So I don't really know Oh you never So we can do Like any kind of music You can pick any music You're stuck in LA in your head That's not okay yeah yeah i think i'm stuck yeah yeah so all right so no debut for you unless we throw one for you maybe we will i don't know would that bum you out not to have a debut no it wouldn't but i know people get so much money from gifts oh yeah because they This is the same thing.
Quinceaneras, bar mitzvahs, they all get money. It's supposed to be like a fund for your new adult life or whatever.
So if we were at your debut, okay, debut, whatever you call it, okay, and we gave you an envelope of money, American money, what would be sufficient, do you think? Me and Andrew K.

We flew all... Mind you...

We flew to the Philippines.

Yeah, mind you,

we flew all the way to the fucking Philippines.

God.

We got hotels to go to some person's debut.

Yeah, but I'm not just some person.

Oh, what are you?

You're a snowflake, an individual.

Is that what you're saying?

I'm your niece.

What?

I'm your niece.

You're my niece.

Okay.

Yeah.

So how much money would you say...

Think about how much money I'd spend on sunscreen

in a little bit. What are you? You're a snowflake, an individual.
Is that what you're saying? I'm your knees. You're on my knees.

Okay.

Yeah.

So how much money would you say?

Think about how much money I'd spend on sunscreen alone.

I know.

Would you complain like,

dude, don't bother me.

So what would be the number that would be suffice for you?

It has to be enough so that me and my sister could go to Hawaii for a couple of months.

What the fuck? You were just in Hawaii for a fucking month. That's so much money.
Dude, dude. Americans who have full-time jobs can't afford to go to Hawaii on vacation.
For a week, they want to go for a fucking month. But they were just there for one month.
This is your fault. Oh, I'm the bad.
get nothing for your debut That's insane So if I gave you 5 grand American money That's a lot I'm picking in 100 bucks I just thought of 2000 I was like oh that's too much already Alright If me and Andrew gave you $100 each, I'll give you $100 fucking dollars. It can't be $200 because you've given me $300 before just to do, like, just to be alive.
What are you doing? What do you mean? Literally, like, a couple days after I got here, he woke us up at, like And he was like If you guys suck on this sour ball I'm gonna give you a hundred dollars Hold on Let's put it into context Let's put it into context What the fuck are you doing Shut the fuck up We gotta explain it better because it sounds a little weird okay so um i saw a tiktok right with these sour balls that you it's a candy i've seen them you've seen them they're like they're like what are they sour warheads they're like sour warheads right so i woke them up because i just got them i found them in the box they just got delivered sure so i guess what did i say i'll give you A hundred dollars Yeah I'll give you a hundred dollars If you can suck this for One minute One minute One minute Let's rephrase all this I'll give you a hundred dollars If you can eat this for a minute Eat this Yeah Suck this ball It's insane I know But he kept saying You have to suck it You don't eat it You suck it Fuck off Right You don't eat it You you suck it. Fuck off.
You don't eat it, you suck it.

Right, Carlos?

Yeah, yeah.

Carlos, you know, you bite.

He bites it.

Yeah, he bites it.

You lick it.

You lick it.

So they did a minute, and I gave him $100.

It was so easy.

Yeah.

Do you have money on you right now?

Yes.

Do another challenge then for $100.

This will be your... No, I don't have anything to suck

No

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I have nothing around here

Anyway, let's move on

Drooling

Fancy, stop

Stop, stop

Alright

So here's the thing, okay

Listen, alright

Give me one of those huels

To see if they can chug a huel

No, no, no, that's not a thing

Alright, so what I'm saying is

Is that sometimes I get generous

But

You do get very generous

That's why I don't think

I don't think I'd be a good dad. No, you'd be a great dad.
No, because I would spoil the fuck. What do I do with the cats? You overfeed them? Overfeed everyone.
Treats? Yeah. King.
King treats. Right? I treat living things in my vicinity with praise and with gifts.
Except for me. And that's- Yes, I do, dude.
My talent. Your talent? Yeah.
That's interesting. Yeah, you know what? Yes.
Congratulations, dude. I'm offering you my services for being a talent.
Services denied. Okay, right.

Services declined.

And I accept your talent as well, and that's a gift.

I give you so much more than that.

Exactly.

That's my point.

No, that's not your point. Yeah, because your point is, how come you don't give me a gift?

For your fucking birthday, what did I get you?

I got you a fucking golf fucking thing.

One time.

Fuck you.

Give me something real this year.

All right, what do you want?

What?

You want to know what I want?

Yeah, I want to know what you want.

Something big. Okay.
The suck on? Give me a sour ball to suck on, will you? Yeah, I can't suck on those sour balls, but my point is this. All right, so what you're saying to me right now, ladies, is I'm being too generous with you.
Yeah, you need to stop the generosity. It stops.
Everyone here right now, it stops here and now.

This is the problem.

No more cash.

Because little nieces are so sweet and they're so nice.

But then what they're really doing is they're pulling,

they're manipulating you to give them more money.

No.

Well, I'm not.

I don't know about Isa.

See?

No, I've never, never.

Sounds like it.

Here's another thing that occurred last night, if I may While we're at it Don't like your attitude right now by the way That little face you did Bullshit So Don't scare me What did you do the other night You scared mama What are Tita. That's why.
What are you talking about? Slow down. What are you saying? You scared them.
He was being a little weirdo. I'm sorry, guys.
So just by me being alive and around is scary. You know what he did? He waited for so long.
He was just curled up in the corner, and he was waiting for me me to go up And he screamed at me when I got up the stairs And it was creepy Alright Okay but when I say this Don't do it back There's gonna be no retribution Yeah because I should have known I'll tell you why I should have known. All the signs, all the signs were there for me to know.
So usually when I walk into the house, I come home around midnight to one in the morning, right? Yeah. And the dogs are in their room.
So I have four dogs. Sleeping? No, they go hog wild when I walk in.
Right. But they don't, they never let them out, right? But last night I opened the door and they're just out roaming around roaming around so you should have known right and i look into their room first of all they all share one room three people like sardines yeah i mean talk about almost on i mean it's like how do you sleep in that room we have the um japanese like floor bed and we just share all three of them.
And then somebody gets the couch. Don't you have another fucking room? Yeah, but it's getting redone.
And also... Yeah, and the bathroom upstairs is broken.
It's broken. Why is it broken? Because I'm getting remodeled.
But I can't get it remodeled until they completely move out. Because you think you need to...
Actually, I can get it remodeled now since you guys live downstairs. Yeah.
It's a lot though.

Who cares?

It's like a lot of people in the house.

Animals.

A lot of animals.

It's like a lot.

I have seven animals.

Anyway, let's get to the...

So the dogs are out.

I look in the room.

They're not there.

And for some reason, I was just like, oh, well.

And I just walk up the stairs, completely dark on the second floor of the house.

Yeah.

Right?

And then your mom... Whatever.
Which is like, you know, not a boo or ah.

She went, like a Filipino ghost.

I think I'm a Filipino.

Yeah.

And it scared me a bit.

Right.

Yeah.

So, all right, let's continue this game.

Yeah, the scare game.

It's not a competition.

Yeah.

It's not.

How much longer is this living situation going to be like this? Indefinitely, probably. It seems indefinitely.
Really? Yeah. Like, when do you think? I don't know.
Yeah, me either. I leave soon.
Yeah, leaving soon. You go back to the Philippines? When? On the 12th.
Wow. Soon.
And then when do you know when you come back? You don't? Yeah, I don't know. But I think I want her to come back on September.
And then go to Hawaii. Again.
Jesus Christ. These kids are living like a family.
I understand. And now that you graduated.
I'm free. You're free.
Free. So you might come back September.
Yeah. September 11th, maybe? It's a good date.
It's a great holiday for us. Yeah.
Have you heard of September 11th? What happened that day? You know. No, I don't.
Tell us what happened. I actually don't know.
We don't know because we were in a coma. Both of us.
Yeah, 2001, we were both in a coma. What happened? Tell us about September 11th.
Don't Google it. Yeah.
I want to see if- I know it. Okay, what happened? 9-11 happened.
I know, but what happened on 9-11? Yeah, what did happen? The Twin Towers and stuff. Okay.
See, this is what's interesting now. Okay, go ahead.
Because she wasn't alive for 9-11. Yeah.
So what she thinks happened probably didn't happen. That's why we want to know.
What do you think happened? You guys are just gaslighting. No.
You guys are like, you guys are just gaslighting. Neither of you were alive for 9-11, so how the fuck do you know what happened? We asked Mama about it, and she doesn't know about it, too.
Really? Yeah. So no one knows about it? I guess.
The Philippines, like, I don't know. Yeah.
Because Mama doesn't know anything. Yeah.
I don't know. Did the Philippines have their own 9-11 ever or no? Well, it happens like every day there.
Oh, every day is 9-11 there. No, I have like very bad things.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, killings. Killings.
Remember Datarte? Is that his name? Datarte? Datarte. Let me see that.
That's 2021 terrorist incidents in North Cotabato. Buses were bombed and torched.
In September, eight persons were wounded, an explosion at a volleyball court in Datopayang. When you say the name, why do you do an accent? That's how you have to say it.
I know. It's like when a white person comes back from going to Mexico.
Like, oh my God, I loved my time in Mexico. In Mexico.
Yeah. It's the same thing.
Yeah. Bruce and I had a lot of fun in Puerto Vallarta.
Yeah. You know, you know what the irony of this is? Yeah.
These motherfuckers, foreigners get mad at us when we don't do it. That's the fucking irony with you fuckheads.
Yeah. Like on the internet, you know how many dickheads I've seen on TikTokiktok being like it's iran it's not iran yeah yeah yeah hey so what do i want to i want the girl's advice on something fancy's going away to spain so we need to replace him because we don't have anybody at the studio and we asked for spaniards specifically right uh yeah is that right yeah and we got submissions of spaniards to replace him, and we want you guys' help picking somebody from this list.
Can you do that? Yeah. Fantastic.
First impressions, Bob. Nice nose.
I like the Adrian Brody vibe. I love it too.
Yeah, like he went through like a war. Alejandro Brody.
Yeah, I like it. Go ahead.
All right, let's see. Hola, Bad Friends Podcast.
Me llamo Sergio. I am living in Hollywood, but I am from Spain, specifically Catalan.
He's lying. But I also grew up in Malaga.
I would love to be your new Spaniard on podcast. I'm just kidding, bro.
I'm Indian. I do live in LA.
I am Canadian. I'm funny as fuck.
I love your podcast. He stopped by push pause.
What he's trying to do. He doesn't know what the job is.
We're not looking for, you know what I mean? A guest. It's a guest.
Yeah, we're looking for someone that's going to work behind the scenes. All right, who do we got on our submissions? This is Andres.
Hello. Hola, amigos.
My name is Andres.

I heard you guys were looking for a new Andres.

So here I am sending my submission.

And one thing is I'm actually not from Spain.

I'm from Colombia.

But I think it's the next best thing because we have cocaine.

So, yeah, I think I would make a good job of filling in for the other Andres

because I can make quirky comments every episode. And you guys can tell me to shut the fuck up and so yeah bobby andrew i love you guys i've been watching you for years all right pause it i actually high up i don't know if he's from columbia he's i think he's putting on an accent again i think he's another liar but i but the piece that i'm now arguing with myself with is This is an Android so I'm like he could be a foreigner this is not an iPhone how do you know it's an Android? the video quality is odd it's different than what we're used to and by the way usually better video quality on Android this looks strange so it means the conversion switch when it got to an iPhone can I defend him real quick? please I mean I like him I like him because I like him because he's just like Andreas in this sense, and I don't want you to be offended by it, but he's not sexually threatening.
Right. Right.
It's something very asexual. I mean, like nothing.
Correct. Like Barbie, just nothing down there.
Ken, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a smooth sailing.
Okay, so then he's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he doesn't come to at the end of this and say, I'm just kidding, I'm American, right? I don't think so. Wait, wait, wait.
Have you not screamed fucking? I scrubbed through them. What does that mean? Because I love the discovery.
For us. It's like it's a living, breathing.
Your job. We need two submissions.
We got to get rid of this this guy What are we doing with you anymore? What are we doing? Should we fire him too? And get two new people in the booth? Well you today Should we bring him? Only because And I go really? And we gotta bring him right? And I'm always like really? Someone's gotta shoot the show. He's gotta shoot the show.

Don't you love McCone to do Andrew?

I fucking hate him lately.

He's pissing me off.

You like McCone.

I like McCone.

You like McCone?

Why do you like him?

Why do you guys like him?

Who'd like better, McCone or EJ?

Be real, right now.

Go, fast.

Fast, don't think.

EJ.

I know, right?

We like that.

We love that, honestly.

No, but we hung out with McCone and his friends And oh my god They're so cool Wait When the fuck did that happen When the fuck did that happen Because McCone wanted To buy a dress For like Filming something for me So we hung out And then Oh my god His friends are just so cool So cool When the fuck was this Before they left We went to the Silver Lake Flea The flea market yeah and we've never been there so we were like you were there too oh my god yeah wait wait stop stop stop stop stop stop you might get you might get fired my blood is boiling okay so let me get this straight yeah okay yeah you met at the flea market. Here's the address.
No, his house. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh. Ooh.
What? What? So you have his address. Yeah.
So you bring the Prius to his house. Yeah.
And then do you go, all all right i'll follow you in the car or do you guys get in one car one car oh my god oh my god and then did you go inside his place before yeah his place is so cool oh really it's very artsy and did he go you want to move in there why don't don't you move in there I like it so much Was the bed bouncy No I didn't Okay Ooh he did a tour Of the house By the way What do you mean tour It's one room I know Yeah yeah It's literally one fucking room So this is the corner Yeah Of the room This is the other corner Of the room Check it out Two more corners Yeah corners. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's so funny. Oh, that's funny.
So then you went to the flea market in one car. To dress for a sketch.
That sketch you got shot. Yeah.
And you got a dress. And you bought the dress.
So he's buying her dresses. And then, and don't, okay.
I'm going to ask you another question. What? Was there other things you did? Like a coffee run.
Oh, yeah. He bought us coffee run He bought us coffee Before we got there he was like Do you guys want coffee Where'd you guys go let me guess Alfred No he's over on his side of town So where'd you guys go It's like stereoscopic.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like it.

On Sunset?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's...

The one right by...

Yeah, no, I know.

It's an indie place?

Yeah, it's actually...

Hipster, hipster.

The neighborhood's right.

Yeah, they're so cool.

Like his friend group.

Yeah.

Yeah, I couldn't...

Yeah.

Does that bother you or no?

No, dude, because he's 25.

Oh, yeah, right.

She's 23.

23.

Oh, so same age. It's the same age of loser.
Yeah, yeah. It of loser.
Yeah, yeah. I feel like a loser compared to him.
You are, but he is too. I think I would have to say that you're a bigger name.
I used to think you were so cool. Yeah.
What do you mean? This is not cool. Yeah, it's not cool.
Here's another thing that bothers me. Now, thank you for bringing this up.
You're welcome,'re welcome man Yeah Are my farts bothering you? Yeah twice Yeah because I've been noticing My own farts And you've been ignoring them Well Because we were in a groove Yeah yeah yeah And then I thought If he does it again I will say something But it's gotta be Out of the context So I just wanna say S-O-S One's coming Yeah yeah Okay But isn't that nice to me I thought we're in a comedic groove Don't wanna break the the groove That one bothered me So anyway Here's another thing that your sister revealed to me last night Don't look at her like that I think what I think you get recognized More than you admit you get recognized True You know that's true think so. You know that's true.
Even today again. Oh, yeah, at the beach.
Yeah. At the beach, what happened? Someone was asking her if we were leaving for parking, and then I was like, no, we just got here.
And then she's like, wait, you're Rudy. Yeah.
Okay, and then the hamburger place the other day too. Uh-huh, in and out.
Are you getting recognized now? No. That's going to be fucking insane.
That's going to be insane. But you get recognized every day now.
Not day in Hawaii anytime no not one time no the Hawaii's different there was one time but you could tell the dude wasn't a local yeah it was it was a white guy from the yeah a mainland white guy yeah the mainland white guy doesn't count alright so let's go through some more let's go to another more. This guy's high on our tick list, right?

What's his name?

Andres.

I like it.

Non-sexual.

I'm 50-50 if it's real.

I'm not kidding.

I scrubbed through it.

This guy.

Hola.

Me llamo somewhere.

Push pause.

Out.

Hola.

Me llamo.

What the fuck? I'll give him a chance.

All right.

Give him a chance.

Como estas?

I would like to be the new Spaniard in the booth. I lived in Spain for 33 years, and now I live in Los Angeles.
Pause. He's under 33.
And why the fuck is his shirt off? Why in the fuck is this guy in bed with his shirt? You couldn't put a shirt on when you're doing a fucking video. And then what serial killer does he remind you of? Dahmer.
That's Dahmer. I thought it was going to come out.
When he first started talking, I was going to be like, Hey guys, I was thinking about coming over there to the booth. And by the way, all this being said, high on the list.
Oh, you think so? Short off. I think that's a good thing.
He's funny. He's cool.
I like him. I think he's rad.
That's the thing about our fans that people don't get. like it when you're a fucking weirdo That's top shit

Hi bad friends, it's Luke Crichton

Pause

Out

What are you going to build us a gazebo?

What are you going to do for us?

A new deck at my house?

What's going on here?

We don't need a youth pastor

We want to talk to you about the Lord

Press play

Is Xavier still here? What is he doing? I know. Jesus Christ.
We want to talk to you about the Lord. Press play.
Luke, we're just fucking with you, Luke.

Fuck with you, Luke.

Is Xavier still here?

What?

Yeah, he's here.

What is he doing?

He's just sitting.

Xavier, what are you doing?

Come over here.

He's rocking back and forth.

We got a new guy, Xavier, that's going to be on the show a little bit.

Look at him.

Xavier.

Xavier, what are you doing back there?

I'm just sitting.

I'm taking notes.

Okay.

Can I tell you the first time I met Xavier? Oh, God. Maybe he's replacing taking notes.
Okay. Can I tell you the first time I met Xavier?

Oh, God.

Maybe he's replacing fans.

I know.

Can I tell you the first time I met him?

Yeah.

It's the funniest thing.

What?

I'd seen him before, but I'd never really talked to him.

So I'm in fucking Vegas, right?

And Nate Bargatze goes, let's go to a fucking skank fest.

So I get in Nate's car.

We drive to skank fest, right?

And then I lose Nate, and I'm just kind of Wandering around And there's an acid tent There's a cigar tent What? There's a cigar tent Cigar tent But people are saying This is where everyone's on acid Sure That makes sense So I sit there Next to Xavier And he's doing this You're me right He's the guy like I go what's up dude he goes nothing I go you hi he goes I'm hallucinating like no information I see you at the start he goes like kind of breathing just tripping balls tripping his balls off how many tabs did you have I did one but it was strong, and I feel like at the point where we all were like,

dude, it's really starting to fucking hit us right now.

Bobby Lee just sits down next to me, and I did.

I froze up.

Yeah, yeah.

He was breathing loud.

I go, what's your problem tonight?

I guess this is what's going on.

Xavier, do you use a lot?

No.

You're not a big drug user?

No.

When I'm around certain friends, we'll go. Yeah.
We'll go out. Who are you with that night? Hormos, Rishi, Kim Kong.
Oh, we know all of them. Living acid.
If there was a chance for us to have you on the show on acid on the show, would you do that? No, dude, I can't. You can't do it on camera.
You'd freak out. I don't know that I'd freak out, but I have to like drive here like I don't no we'll get you no we'll Uber you here we'll get maybe three drops of acid three hits three hits yeah yeah yeah remember that the job is to record this yeah and then sit down right oh yeah and we'll Uber you back we'll get you a nice car we did Kim and Sarah's podcast that's kind of like how we did it who's Kim and Sarah you were on it that was how I first met you Kim and This bitch.
Kim and Sarah. I don't remember.
I honestly don't know what you're talking about, but okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I'm going to tell you something. Yeah, yeah.
Talk closer to the mic, Z. Okay.
We're excited. You're going to be with us for a little bit on the show here.
Yeah, that's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to dose you.
Yeah, yeah. Can we dose you or no? Say yes.
Yeah, yeah. You guys.
All right.? Yeah that's what I was doing there I was on the show It shows Don't be a dick dude At least Xavier can go up on stage And walk through that fear you piece of shit I gotta tell you something That was ice we're going to Spain. We're going to go to Spain to shoot a movie for Fancy.
Yeah, so Fancy's directing a movie. It's a zombie.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, whatever that... I thought it was canceled.
It is. It should be.
It should be. But he, I guess, found...
My publicist is there. Thank you.
Yeah. He got like oil money or something.
Somebody is funding it. I don't know how you got the money.

Cartel.

Cartel.

But we are going there.

We're booking the flights three days.

And this is a really big test.

I want to know what he's going to be like.

On set.

As a director.

I'm beyond excited.

Yeah.

And I want to know if you listen to his notes.

I'm fine.

I think I could.

I think if you gave me direction, I'd be like, okay, Andrea.

Shut the fuck up. You liar.
You're not taking any notes from him. Fuck, I'm king note.
Brother. Bro, I go, let me do an adjustment.
That's why I say on movies all the time, I'd like to do the adjustment. Well, let me tell you something right now.
Can you do an adjustment? Can you learn your lines? Oh, my God. I'll tell you something right now.
I'm not taking any of your fucking notes You can shove them up your ass Andrew I think What have you said Andrew I think slow the line down You know what I mean Because you know people don't really grasp It's a serious what would you say Is that what you want me to do Action We didn't get us out to go to the bin You do the polar opposite 100% Oh, you give me a note. Okay.
Action. We decided to go to the bill.
You do the polar opposite. 100%.
Oh, you give me a note. Bob.
Hold on, dude. Bobby.
Did you say cut? No, cut, cut, cut, cut. All right.
Please, on this scene, can you be more emotional? It's an emotional scene. Okay.
Okay, action. Yeah, he died.
Perfect. You think so? Well, we gonna cut you out of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for your submissions.
I don't think we've found anybody yet. We'll keep searching.
The undressed guy is good. The Asian guy.
Okay. Congratulations on your, once again, fantasy-fueled life of journeyness to Hawaii, both of you girls.
I've never met people who have gone to Hawaii so for months at a time a living vacation and by the way all your fault well I mean I don't fund their flights or their hotel room in a way I guess you're right your graduation gift was really nice see what was it the place oh yeah I gave you a fucking debut

In Hawaii on a beach

And did I pay for the house too?

Yeah

You're the only guy I know that doesn't even know

What he's paying for

You have no idea

You'd be the greatest partner

I showed up I'm like oh this is pretty cool who's funding it

You are

I am?

I love that You know what can I say about that day you were there too that weekend was I think one of the greatest weekends of my life in a long time say it I just said it well go on explain why. What made it so special?

I don't know.

It was just the shows went well Friday.

And I brought three openers from the comedy store.

Yeah.

Mike, Ariana, and Ramsey Badawi.

Everyone was at the beach, right? And then Kalilah and that side of the family was there it was just everyone kind of got along it was like you know beautiful you know it was just a great weekend yeah beautiful it made you feel something yeah that it's not over well let me tell you something every single week of my life with you on the show is the greatest week of my life it's so dumb dude you think I don't mean it yeah but before when I go you know what I mean I'm the gift to you you're the show. Shut the fuck up.
It's the greatest week of my life. It's so dumb, dude.
You think I don't mean it? Yeah, but before when I go, you know what I mean? I'm the gift to you. You're the gift to me.
Is that what it is? You're the gift that keeps on giving. You're the gift that keeps on giving to me too.
I'm the gift that keeps on giving. To me.
And you're the gift that someone else already got me. So I'm going to pretend like I love it, but I'm going to re-gift it to somebody else.

Okay, good.

I want you in my life forever.

I want you in my life forever.

Girls, look at the camera and sign off.

You know what to do.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.