We Are Firing Fancy

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You two

I'll tell you something.

I was sitting there, you know what I mean?

And

this fool Andres goes 2.30.

And I go, that's my heart out, right?

You said that.

No, he said 2.30.

Yesterday I said, I need to get out of here at 2.30.

But the way he was saying it, I said, we're not equals.

Outside of this facility, we're completely equal.

No, I don't think that's true either.

I don't either.

I don't know why I just said that.

I think you're right.

I think you're right.

But we'll pretend out in public that we're equals.

But here, you don't touch.

You don't tell me what to do.

Okay.

Okay.

What about farting on me?

They never did that.

Do you see that?

Fart what?

He goes, what about farting on me?

I didn't fart on him.

Who farted on you?

Did I fart on you?

No.

Yes.

Hypothetically.

Okay.

Oh.

Is that something you want him to do?

Yeah.

No.

All right.

I did.

I did.

Why?

Why did I do it?

No, why call yourself out?

I don't.

I felt guilty at that.

Okay.

Yeah.

I don't know if

in a court of law, if I was in trial.

We're not in court.

I would have lost.

Yeah.

Yeah, because it was thunderous, my friend.

How are you?

Why do you keep asking me that?

I need a water.

Yeah, you sound like your mouth is dry.

I just woke up.

Are you being real?

Yeah, you sound weird.

Really?

yeah you're like you're like people think he's drunk in these early episodes and i've had to comment so much on the patreon i promise you bobby did not relapse what early episodes like when we record before 5 p.m yeah yeah

that but i'm borderline drunk when i wake up early

but not drunk from from the night before ladies and gentlemen this is just from four years ago four years ago you know what i said i reserve alcohol in my body right where do you hide times like this right

a little bit of my heart you know what i mean A little bit of my liver.

And for some reason,

my right toe.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like a little flask.

I like your hat.

Thank you.

What's wrong with you?

I'm good.

I feel great.

You feel good.

I feel great because I got to tell Fancy today that I might not do his movie.

That's so funny because yesterday you said, this morning or yesterday, God.

Yesterday.

Hey, Baby, Andrew, do no movie.

Are you doing it now?

And I was like, I am doing it.

There's no way Andrew said yes to what you did.

You said yes?

I did.

Are you going to do it?

Yeah, but he knows there might be something else I get to do.

And if I get to do that, I can't do that.

Okay, what's the other thing you need to do?

Oh, is it private?

Yeah.

I'll tell you off camera.

But if it happens, I told him if it happens, it'd be amazing.

It's not a guarantee like everything.

Is it golf-oriented?

No, no, it's a movie.

Congratulations.

Well, brother, I don't have it.

It's being talked about.

The idea would be nice if I get it.

You're in the mix.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just as likely it'll happen that it won't happen.

That's how I feel about everything.

Are there big stars in it?

Upcoming, for sure.

Okay.

But young.

This is the thing nowadays.

Like, what is a star?

I don't know.

Yeah.

Who's the star now?

Who is the star now?

Timote.

He's okay.

Timothy.

Outside of, and first of all, everyone.

Yeah, I love Timothy.

Timote.

Yeah.

Timote.

He's my favorite.

Timote.

Yeah.

He was in Cambodia Ono.

Very good.

William Wongo.

What is that?

Willy Wongka.

Oh, Williwonka.

You don't know how I can interpret.

They heard it.

Yeah, they heard it.

Timote.

Yeah, Timote.

He keeps trying that in interviews.

I've seen that clip.

He's like, it's Timote.

And they're like, right, Timothy, do you feel...

Wait, that guy claims his name is different?

His name is Timote.

No, it's not.

Go on YouTube and show the compilation of him saying Timothy the right way.

It's pronounced Timothy.

It's whatever you'd like.

Because I always thought, I don't know if you guys, I thought it was Timote because of the double E's at the end.

It's supposed to be, but

you could say Doug, Alex, Rick, whatever once.

I like guests like this.

Remembering names is causing myself to be a little bit more.

So he's being sweet there.

And then as he gets more famous,

he gets angry.

Well, he gets more honest.

He goes, it's Timote.

I think he gets sick of people doing it and he goes, listen, dude.

Look,

do the first white one there.

See what he says there.

There it is.

It's supposed to be Timoté.

It's Timoté.

Can you say your name in French?

Timoté.

Je presente Timoté.

Chalamé.

Se luje ma per timoté chalamais.

So why are we calling him?

I apologize.

Timote.

No, I'm going to call him Timothy.

His name is fucking Tim.

It's a little ridiculous.

Timbo.

Like when Prince did the symbol, I still stuck with Prince.

You're incorrect.

That's one of the greatest musicians of all time.

I'll call him whatever the fuck he wants.

Do you know your attitude right now?

Prince?

Bro, Prince.

Prince.

I'm going to say, if you one day you call me and go, yo, yo, I changed my name.

I go, what is it?

And you're like,

I'm going to be like, I'm not calling that.

First of all, you would love that.

Yeah, yeah.

You'd go, that's.

Yo, yo, what's

Bobby?

Bobby calls me.

And then if I, and then I'm going to do this, and then you're going to go, I'm mom.

This is not what you're going to be called.

Oh, here we go.

Oh.

I changed my name though.

Oh.

Well, I wouldn't have to do that then.

Oh, okay.

There it is.

Okay.

Yeah, you accentuate it.

What's your name then, if it's a symbol?

Okay.

Okay, good.

Yeah, very good.

If we were emojis.

Okay.

No, you'd be the sleepy emoji and I'd be the

angry with the fucking

with the smoke.

But what I'm saying is, is that maybe, because in the old days, you know, like Richie Vallens.

No?

Who is he?

I love Richie Vallens.

Yeah.

So you see, you know who Richie Vallens is?

La Bamba.

La la la la.

That song.

I love the movie La Bamba.

He's going to correct us.

Go ahead and say it.

What?

Parabellal.

Parabella.

Pala vailla.

We know, dude.

Oh, my God.

We've done this before.

He was forced to change his name because he's Hispanic, dude, right?

Good.

Back in the good old days.

That was that.

What's his real name, Richie Valens?

Richard Stephen Valenciuela.

That's not that big of a difference.

That's not a drastic change.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Richard to Richie and Valenciuela to Valens.

They just shortened it so it's easier.

I think that's true.

Yeah, that's not true.

But what I'm saying is Timothy.

Timothy.

Timothy, right?

Just

stick with Timothy.

It's easier.

For us, yeah.

For us.

Yeah.

But I liked when Zach Afronakis didn't change his last name.

Can't.

Yeah.

It's too memorable.

Yeah.

Even if people fuck it up.

Yeah.

You know what I hate when you're going on a date with a girl and she has a really complex name?

So I've done this several times where I'm driving to their house and I'm like, kolakama, kolakama, whatever their name is.

You know what I mean?

And just, you know, keep repeating it so that you don't fuck up during the day.

You got to stop dating island girls.

Is that what it is?

That's all island people.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're on the mainland.

It's just, it's, it's like Mary, Sarah.

Yeah.

Or if you're dating like a woman from Africa, that's a difficult one.

What's her name?

I mean, you're in the car, right?

You match with Raya, right?

And then you go, hey, you want to go date?

Do you go and date?

You're in a car in Africa?

No.

She lives here now.

Oh.

What if it's there?

That'd be cool.

Oh, I'm on a camel.

You're riding on a camel.

Yeah.

North Africa.

Do they have a camel still?

Sure, they do.

Yeah, okay.

Egypt, dog.

So if I was driving and I was going, okay.

So you get the.

Right.

Hi, ma'am.

I'm here to pick up.

It's nice to meet you, Bobby.

Come downstairs.

Yeah, yeah.

But you know what?

They have it right.

Why can't we use sound effects?

Dude, that's so funny.

You know, when you call out when you're with someone, you call out their name in the house and they can't hear you, yeah.

You know, if you're like, babe, babe, yeah, yeah, yeah, in Africa, and they're like,

How can you not hear me?

You don't hear me, I've been clicking all morning, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How can you not hear me?

Yeah, or you sometimes you say their name in sex, oh,

yeah, oh,

oh,

Yeah.

But why can't we go to like, if I have a kid, I'm going to go to sound effects.

What's your kid going to be called?

Oh, well, let's all guess what that was.

Go ahead.

Fancy?

One Hispanic?

It looks like a lawn motor.

A lawn mower.

Yeah.

If that's Hispanic girl.

McCone, what is that?

Revving an ATV.

ATV.

So the kid's name is ATV.

Yeah.

It's either mower or ATV.

What about you?

Look what I'm doing, though.

What about you?

Oh, it's a white.

Viker.

It's a

No, that's all wrong.

Let me see it again.

Do it again.

Wave Runner.

No.

Jet ski.

That is a Jet ski.

You're never going to guess it.

I can give you $300.

Give us another thing that it does.

Another thing?

You don't have to dip it.

Something different than that.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

So it goes

and

at this, it does both of these things?

what does it does

it sure does

you're gonna it's not even funny my explanation what is it what what is it it's like you're rubbing a dragon's horns oh my god oh and it's flying yeah i saw that but like when you when you rub its horns it goes

right and then it

yeah yeah so you got close yeah we're close yeah you're very close we're very very close yeah what would you name your son if it's a sound effect Or Madonna.

That's it.

Yeah.

But they're going to turn out to be lazy, I think.

No shit.

Yeah.

If they're anything like their Uncle Bob.

Yeah.

Tell the to clean her room.

Let me tell you something.

You got to get in there.

If I catch you.

Are you high?

Are you high?

Are you stoned, young man?

Yeah, it's amazing.

I remember feeling that feeling I had in my bones when my mom would say that to me when I come home.

Are you stoned?

Oh, yeah.

And I was like, fuck.

Yeah.

No.

You can't do it when you're Asian.

They can't tell.

Are you tired?

I'm tired, too.

Yeah, yeah.

Everybody tired.

Everybody tired.

Yeah.

Everybody is tired.

Yeah.

I don't know if we ever talked about why they're like that, the eyes.

Have we talked about that yet?

Probably.

They're not.

It's all an illusion.

You don't think my eyes are squinnier than yours?

No.

I think it's actually an illusion.

Oh, you think it's an optical illusion?

I think it's an optical illusion.

Absolutely.

Right.

I see it.

Look at me right now, right?

All right.

Nope.

Looks this.

Yeah, no.

I think it's an optical.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What is it supposed to be like a magic eye?

Can you guys even do magic eyes?

Well, you do one first.

When you get close and you pull away, you know those?

Or you guys need to even, you don't need to do it.

Bro, bro, bro.

You just look at it and see the sailboat?

No.

We don't have to do that.

We just see it.

That's what I just said.

You're right.

You're right.

Okay.

My mom had one.

She still has it in her house.

It's a New York one.

And it's like one of those ones where it's gigantic.

And you literally, no one in the house has ever gotten it except me.

It's like on the wall?

Yeah, it's on the wall.

Yeah, I've seen those.

Yeah.

I used to love Magic Eye.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Magic is the best.

And wasn't it cool to go see these at somebody's house and someone couldn't do it in the group and they were like, what do you guys see?

And you're like, dude, you got it.

It's awesome.

Right, right.

But you need.

For me, it works better if it's in glass.

Really?

Yeah.

See, I like it in the book.

Easy in the book.

Yeah, because I'll tell you why glass is easier.

Is you look at, you don't look at the fucking painting or the photo, right?

You look at the image behind you.

Ah, it appears.

And then it automatically appears.

Like this, I can't do.

Well, we're too far.

I can't do it from this far.

I can cross my eyes.

When I cross my eyes, I can do it when I'm up close.

Hold on, hold on.

I can't do it.

I can do it only when it's too far away.

It's too far away.

That's way too far away.

Let's move on from optical.

What's an optical?

Oh, my God.

My eyes are up.

You've been missing me.

I've been gone.

I know.

You butt dialed me and I texted and I called him three times.

I said, what's up?

And he goes, butt dial, but I've been thinking of you.

Yeah, so I have been thinking of it.

I know that made me feel it.

But not really.

Okay.

Yeah, I mean, because I know when I'm going to see you again.

You don't know when you're going to see you again?

I know.

Well, because I went to Hawaii.

Oh, let me say something.

I went to Hawaii.

It was the best Hawaiian trip I've ever had

in my life.

Everything just worked out perfectly.

In terms of everything.

So to give me specifics.

Well, that would help the story.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know much about storytelling.

I was worried about the shows because in Hawaii, they're like, mate, you know, it's...

Hawaii, they went mate?

Yeah, that's my agent.

Oh.

Yeah, he says, mate a lot.

Yeah.

But they say that the tickets are bad.

No, no, no, no.

First of all, I know you're lying.

They didn't say that, and the tickets weren't bad.

So

months in advance, they're like, it's not moving.

And then slowly through time, it got there.

Yeah, months in advance.

Okay.

It's not moving.

All right.

So go ahead.

What are you doing right there, dude?

Nothing.

I was trying to look up your numbers.

Okay.

Well, no, don't do that.

It's going to tell you what they are.

Okay.

So the first show sold out, and the second show was almost.

And it's Hawaii theater.

It's Hawaii.

It's a hard market.

But like, all my openers had a blast.

You went with Ramsey, but Ramsey, Ariana, Ceramek, and that big white guy,

Mikey

at the store.

Yeah.

And then

here's the girl.

And this is not funny, but

I had never met the baby before.

You met Kalila's baby.

And, you know, I hung out with her boyfriend and the baby.

We went to a beach, and I brought, I'm seeing somebody, so I brought her.

And then all the openers came.

And her mom and the whole family was.

It's like a big happy family.

It's like two worlds

in just on the beach.

You know what I mean?

And it was just like, it was just perfect that day.

Why are you smiling?

It's nice.

Go ahead, rip me apart.

No.

Do Bobby's mom, whatever you need to do.

No, no, I think that's really nice that you had that kind of,

I think that's really nice.

Yeah, because remember the time before that, right?

Not good.

Yeah, a lady said, you're too fat.

And I almost jumped off the ball with you.

Right, that was.

It's like, you know, if you weigh the...

The juxtaposition is.

Yeah, juxtaposition.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's why.

No, these are nice moments.

I told you this.

These are nice moments.

I had a nice moment.

I drove.

I was in the car driving from Philly to the Hamptons.

Wow.

Stayed at Timmy's house, Big Tim Dylan's house.

Wow.

By myself.

In the car all day, listening to music.

Was he there?

No, he was out here.

Okay.

By the house to myself.

It was.

And then what did you do there?

I went and did an episode of the golf podcast, and then I went out and played golf with someone out there and just kind of like took it easy.

Wow, wow, wow.

Really nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I had the same moment you did where I was, you know, you were surrounded by family and friends and lovers, and I was alone.

And I was like, this is amazing.

You know, that's the true test.

Being alone.

Yeah, because last two, before I went to Hawaii, no.

Yeah.

No.

Yes.

Before I went to Hawaii, sorry.

Clip it.

No.

Yes.

No.

Yeah.

Yes.

Tuesday night,

I literally was sitting.

I didn't have a spot.

You sat at home.

So I sat there and I went,

I'm so bored.

And then um i just got in the car i went to i went roller skating by myself roller skating at a roller skating rink yeah in glendale wow literally by myself cruising just cruising by myself and never done anything like that before but then i was astounded and very surprised about how comfortable i was being by myself people coming up to you the whole time no one there's a couple of places roller skating rinks and spas they don't do it well spas is out of respect everybody's naked or is everybody naked at the roller skating rink as well no oh Glendale, yes, I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro, bro, bro, yeah, skate bro, yeah, yeah, welcome to skate bro.

Take off your pants, put on roller skates, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro, bro, yeah, bro, bro, you have to skate with your dick out, bro, bro.

What if you fall, it's gonna hurt, yeah, but you know what's great, blacks and mexicans, slow down,

blacks, there it is,

yeah, you understand.

I love it, yeah, yeah,

it's not just about it's a it's a lifestyle, roller skating.

Yeah, dude.

It is.

It's the way, you know.

It's as if they have a little bit more rhythm.

You know what I mean?

It's like, you know what I mean?

And I'm like a deer on ice.

I couldn't get into the rhythm.

You know what I mean?

But they're just like...

Also, the couple, the dude.

Right?

Dude, I love it.

I love it.

I watch.

There's a guy on TikTok I watch.

He like goes and skates.

Him and a crew of guys go and skate.

Yeah.

Black dudes in roller rinks?

Oh my god, I forget about it.

That's our Pilates.

That's white Pilates.

Yeah.

And here's a rule I didn't know about.

I slammed on my left side of my body.

And some guy, you know, there's always that white guy.

And then he goes, you okay?

I go, yeah, I'm fine.

He goes, well, then give me a thumbs up then.

I guess in roller skating runs, you just got.

You have to thumbs up if you're okay.

Your arm's broken.

And you have to go.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, is that a thing?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I've never even heard of that before in my entire life.

This is in St.

Louis, where it's going ham.

They're going off.

Yeah, see?

Yeah, that's it.

Hey, hey.

And he's like, what I like about it is there's no white people there.

Yeah.

There isn't because they don't get in the way of these guys.

They're having a fucking great time.

See that with their female.

Oh, my God.

That's the movie.

That's it.

Woo.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, yeah.

I think this is going to be my new activity.

Does the person you're seeing, does she into this?

She's going to start to be.

Yeah.

Here's another thing we did last night.

I've never, you know, I've been very spontaneously.

I have to tell you that.

I like this.

Right?

Yeah.

We were at Boa Restaurant.

Right.

Someone's doing well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Getting some of that snow beef.

Snow beef.

Snow beef in the house.

Right.

And so this is over there by the beach.

Oh, in Malbouche.

Like Manhattan Beachy.

Oh, down south.

Yeah.

And after dinner, we were went to Urban Outfitters.

Yeah.

As you would, right after you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You go to Boa, and then you need some quicksilver slip-ons

for the beach.

Yeah.

You want to go to some board shorts after Boa?

Fuck yeah, dude.

Very funny to me, you.

Thanks.

It's kind of what we're doing here, Dennis.

Walk outside, and across the street was an escape room.

Oh, dude, I just, hold on.

Before you finish this,

I just talked to the king in comedy of escape rooms last night.

The king of the comedies of the escape rooms.

No, the king, the king in comedy of escape rooms, like a comedian who's the king of escape rooms.

Guess who it is?

But is he popular in comedy?

Let's just tell me, just guess who it is.

Who do you think would be good at those?

Bill.

Burr.

No.

That's a good guess.

I think he'd be good.

Moshe Kasher.

That's a very good guess.

And by the way, you're on the right line of thinking.

His initials are BW

Brad Williams.

I don't know how to some of the dwarfs.

He can't get out of anything.

He's stuck everywhere he goes.

I'll tell you.

Brent Weinbach.

Of course.

Brother, last night, I'm not kidding.

Of course.

He says to me, Ryan Sickler goes, hey, yo, because of you, I got into escape rooms.

Now I go with my daughter, and it's a great activity.

And Weinbach goes, well, I enjoy them very much.

In fact,

dude, he's the best.

He's the best.

And you know what he said?

He goes, this is what he does.

How clever of Brent Weinbach.

He liked going so much.

He would call the escape rooms and go, hey, if you guys are testing out new rooms, you should test them out on me for free.

So now they call Brent Weinbach.

Yeah.

Amazing.

And he tests out new rooms all over L.A.

County.

Yeah.

When the company makes them, they consult Brent Weinbach on how to get out.

And Sickler goes, but you don't go by yourself.

He's like, I achieve that most of the time by myself.

Whoa, he probably, you know what?

Brent probably doesn't even do hints.

No, he doesn't do fucking hints.

Have you ever been to an escape room?

Yes.

Yeah.

He just figures it out.

We did five hints.

Did this guy, Brent Weinbach?

He's amazing.

One of the funniest comics.

Yeah.

So he's the king in LA comedy right now of escape rooms.

No one can be.

I had no idea about that.

He's the best, dude.

All right.

So I went last night and that's it.

Did you take the girl?

Yeah, we went in there and

I'll tell you, I solved four on my own.

Well, you're here, aren't you?

What do you mean?

No, you got out.

No, obviously.

No, that's not what I'm saying.

Because I did them in Budapest, and I was no help to the group.

Well, was it, yeah, I mean.

Because

you get those actresses, you know what I mean?

Hollywood actresses.

They want to take the lead.

Is that demeaning or no?

That's a good thing.

Accentive.

It's a fact.

It's a fact.

Yeah.

So we got it.

Now,

if you said those Hollywood actresses, you know, they're terrible people.

I'd be like, well, that's a little.

Yeah.

But they are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, um,

but I was surprised that I got four of them.

Four.

Like, on my own, where I didn't have to.

Pretty good.

And then she got like five or six.

Oh, wow.

But then there were still three or four or five that we couldn't get.

It was impossible.

So you didn't get out?

I wasn't laughing.

I was coughing.

When do you leave for Spain?

We got to get him out of here.

We got to get you out of here.

Let's get you out of here.

Speaking of which, good transition.

We at Bad Friends here are going to be looking for a new Spaniard because our friend is leaving for four months, three months, four months.

And he's shooting a movie.

Shooting a movie.

Yeah.

And so, and he's got other stuff to do.

He wants to go see family and stuff.

So he's going to be gone.

We're going to lose a Spaniard in the booth.

So we'd like to get a new Spaniard.

If you're in the Los Angeles area and you want to be the Spaniard in the booth, we're taking submissions.

You got to send a video over why you'd be good in the booth.

We'll review it on the show.

Send it to carlosinthebooth at gmail.com or DM our Instagram.

DM the Instagram.

But you got to be a Spaniard.

These are the rules.

You must be

not of Spanish descent.

You have to be from Spain.

Yeah.

Not Mexico.

No, Spain.

Not Chile.

And it can't be your parents.

You have to be from Spain.

Yeah.

So it's going to limit the options, but we need real Spaniards in the booth.

Male or female, by the way.

Yeah, we love it.

And female, just so you know,

we'll go over some stuff with you and Carlos before you get in the booth with them.

But yes, we will.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, we'll take all submissions.

Preferred female.

Sorry?

Preferred female.

Yeah, I'm sure they don't prefer it.

Carlos, you're not allowed.

If somebody's working here, you're not allowed.

Not allowed.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Not allowed.

Yeah, I know.

Penetration.

Yeah.

No.

Any corporate.

Penetration?

Any sort of tration.

Yeah.

No concentration, no masturbation, no tration at all.

Is Bobby allowed?

Arbitration.

Yeah, he's a good person.

Maybe celebration.

You can do celebration.

Thank you.

Okay.

I love those.

Yeah, we'll give them that.

I love celebration.

Blue chew.

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Sometimes I get ED.

Sometimes I need a miracle.

And the miracle is Blue Chew.

That's exactly right.

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It's not just a tablet.

It's a cheat code for your crotch.

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It's like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk in a gym membership.

You want to get jacked in the basement?

Yeah.

I've had girls say, what are you, 22?

I'm 53.

They go, you have sex with like a 22-year-old.

Really?

Girls say that to you?

Yeah, and I go, thank you.

When I'm on Bluetooth.

When you're on the Bluetooth, when you're not on Bluetooth, they go, what are you, a thousand years old?

Okay.

Yeah.

Last time I took blue chew, my penis got sponsored by an energy drink company and refused to do missionary, saying it was bad for the brand.

That's right.

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I did.

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I can't wait to see what Andres is like giving us notes.

I got a couple of guesses.

Okay, so I'm doing a scene.

And then you give me, you be Andreas, all right?

Say action for us.

Action.

Yeah, Felippo.

It's his God-given right.

Zombie all day, every day.

Okay, cat, cat, cat.

Bubby, Bubby,

if you're going to be in this scene to pretend that you are

with.

Okay, good, go.

Okay.

Really?

Because he's not going to be able to do it.

He doesn't know how to do it.

Well, he also knows we're not going to listen.

We're not going to listen now.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, we're going to be looking somewhere else.

He's going to be.

If he said, if it's Andrew,

you play with me.

Here you go.

Yeah, you be him.

Okay, action.

Action.

Action.

Action, I say.

Action, I say.

I'm boss.

Action, I say.

I'll take my own cue.

I'll take my own cue.

Don't talk to me like that.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Andrew movie.

I quit.

Okay, anyway, action.

I don't know where they're coming from, but I do know we need to stay here.

If we leave, they're going to get us.

Okay, okay, okay.

Cut, cut.

Andrew, what?

Stick to the lines.

Who wrote them?

I did.

Get fucked.

Andrew, I have Chris Pine waiting.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm on set of this shitty movie.

Yeah, send the chopper.

Yeah, wow.

Goodbye.

Doodle.

Did he get the chopper?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're flying by helicopter from Los Angeles to Spain.

It's going to take a while.

It was a pretty bad deal I made in my contract.

Okay,

let's write down our what we need.

I got to write down what we needed.

He can type it up on the screen for us.

Let him type it.

Because we have a waiver.

Oh, not waiver.

What's it called?

Contract?

No, not contract.

We need a rider.

We need a rider.

Here's our rider for for the movie.

Okay.

We'd like to make our rider.

Give us our request.

Bobby Lee's rider starts with what?

Can we do combo or?

Yeah, Bobby Lee and Andrew Ryder.

All right.

You go back and forth.

Go ahead.

What's your first thing that you need for the movie?

I need 87 Sugar-Free Red Bulls stocked into a trailer.

Seems pretty reasonable.

And chilled.

Not frozen, but almost getting there.

What's yours?

I want 87 Diet Cokes, please.

And a slice of lime fresh with every Diet Coke.

And I don't want lime that's been there.

I need new lime.

New lime.

And also, I'd like an ice maker in that in case him and I would like some ice with it.

Because I know it gets hot in Spain in the summer.

Exactly.

Okay.

My next one is when I'm in my trailer and I want to put my feet up, I don't want an Ottoman.

I want a Brad.

A little person.

Brad.

A little Spanish person.

Brad specifically.

Brad Williams.

Brad Williams.

Okay, great.

So I can just kind of relax.

And he's also very funny.

We can play Uno.

He's good at Uno.

Yeah.

What's yours?

Okay, I would like a back washer.

I want someone hired to simply wash my back.

Very, but I can do it.

I need a, I'm pretty tall.

Yep.

Can't you wash?

How about this?

I need a back washer and I need a six-foot ladder, please.

Just give me a six-foot ladder and a loofah, and we'll be fine.

Yeah, yeah, because Brad can use a lot of ladder on the bottom.

Yeah, that's how he washes.

Very, very, very good.

Very good.

It's a lot of jumping, otherwise.

Yeah.

What else do you need?

What I need is a

okay.

What I'm, I need, I need to watch How to Train Your Dragon part two

if you know right when before editing

That's not a good one erase that don't erase it.

That's not a good one.

I don't know what you're saying I was following you I don't either

because once you said the fucking backs thing and then I'm like I think that's about it for me.

No, but um all right, so I do I do know what I want.

Okay.

What kind of food?

Do you have any food?

Exactly.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I need

crude

crude.

Yeah.

Hamachi crudo, but like

a garbage can full.

A garbage can.

Yeah.

A new garbage can.

A new garbage can be.

Hamachi crudo in it.

Right.

And also.

And a straw for some reason.

And I want fresh caught fish every day from the sea because we're right there.

Yeah.

But I want the fisherman to stay with us.

Exactly.

All day and all night.

I actually want him to sleep over.

Yeah.

I want an in-house live-in fisherman, please.

Yeah.

So he talks to us about the fish.

He informs us.

He cooks it.

He cleans it.

Also.

Madrid Madrid is in the center of the country.

Wait, this is in Madrid?

Oh, we can't do it.

Wait, is it inland?

It's in the center of Spain.

Oh, my God.

I didn't know it was in Madrid.

Did you tell me it was in Madrid?

Forget the crude, though.

Erase the crude oh.

Yeah, I can't do that.

I can do the crudo, right?

You know, I don't want a trailer anymore.

One,

got it.

He can't afford that anyway.

Yeah, but I want.

Oh, listen to what I want.

By the way, you thought you were getting a trailer?

It's just somebody's car.

I know, I know.

His mom and dad's house.

Yeah.

If you turn the AC up and you can sit in the car till we're ready for you.

I just want like

in the cement, I want a John Wick weapons cabinet

with the coins and the, you know what I mean, and the

markers and all that stuff.

Like a packet.

Okay.

I want a John Wick packet.

Go ahead.

And genuinely, I want a set dog.

On the heels of John Wick, I want a set dog.

We want a dog for the set.

Dead or alive?

Doesn't matter.

Okay, it doesn't matter.

But when it's over, if it's alive, when it's over, we do have to skill it.

We have to sacrifice it for you.

That list thing was bad.

I didn't come up with a good one.

What did did you think?

You like your list?

I think it's good.

I think it's good.

Let's move on from it then.

So anyway, so

you're going to be there for three months, Spain.

It's all cast.

Really, every part is cast.

Wow.

Including the leads.

Including the leads.

Which we are not.

Yeah.

I think we're number like 18 on the call sheet.

What number would we be on your call sheet?

That day, you guys are number one.

No, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

Yeah.

I don't think you know how Hollywood works.

You're always the same number on the call sheet, regardless of the day.

What number are we?

You guys are.

What number are we?

10 and 11.

Who's 10?

You are.

Who's 10?

It's 10 and 10.

Sorry.

10 A and 10 B?

No.

10 A, Andrew, 10 B, Bobby?

Yes.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Very, very interesting.

So you're saying I'm above him?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Valpha vetical.

No, no.

Velpha vetical?

I'm okay with that.

Okay.

It's only one day of work?

Three.

Okay, and we have a

three.

Three.

But we can get it done in one.

We turn into zombies.

You guys die by zombie attacks.

But we never turn into one?

That's a flaw in the script.

No, no.

When you die and attack by zombies, you turn into a zombie.

Exactly.

Also, I asked you if I...

The whole reason why I wanted to do it is because I wanted to play a zombie.

I know.

But the time commitment to the makeup and all that.

No, no, no, it's not time.

You know what it is.

He doesn't want to pay for the makeup and hair.

Or, I mean, he's going to cut us out of of the movie.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could you imagine him flying us to Spain just to cut us out of his movie?

What's it called again?

Do we know what it's called?

We can cut all this out.

We can cut whatever you want out.

Jabberwocky.

Oh, yeah, we can't do it.

Yeah, we can do it.

Can we be lovers in it?

Yes.

That'd be fun.

Hi.

Good morning.

I have a headache.

Just don't talk to me right now.

I was just doing good.

I don't know if I buy it.

My gayness?

I think we'd really have to get in character.

I know.

No, I think we should spend a couple of weeks living together before we do the movie.

We should do some pre-footed.

You know what?

Let's rent a house here in L.A.

Yeah.

For a week and let's live together and we'll film it and let's see how close we can really get.

I would,

even without the movie,

if you really needed it, I do.

I would suck you off.

We don't have to go through these elaborate things.

Well, it's not that you want to know.

It's for the fans.

We could just go right to the tap.

If you really needed me to do it.

Maybe I do.

Oh, then I'll do it.

Thank you.

God.

That's real friendship, by the way.

That's real friendship.

And you know who didn't set that up?

The director.

He has no influence on these characters whatsoever.

I got to tell you something right now.

If we go out and do this movie for you,

you're going to owe us big time.

Oh, yeah.

For a long, long, long time.

Can you imagine?

You'll be under our thumb forever.

Indebted to us forever.

Forever and ever.

In perpetuity.

How would be it different different than now?

How would that be different than now?

Yeah.

Well, well, I mean, now we need you around for the show.

We could fire you.

In fact, if we find the Spanish replacement, that's it.

Yeah, and I don't think, like, you know what I mean?

The way you talked to me over there before.

Didn't like it.

Didn't like it.

And I don't think that that's in play right now.

Okay.

What we're saying is that, like, eat the mud.

Eat the mud.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That kind of a thing.

Eat the mud.

Yeah.

I met his McCones.

You met McCones, what?

Oh, his family was in town while I was there.

He was gone.

Hold on.

I liked the middle one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your younger one

does

not like me.

Does not.

The younger brother?

Yeah.

His vibe toward me was weird, dog.

What is his problem with me?

He's more of an Andrew fan.

He was pretty disappointed that he wasn't around.

You guys are pushing those buttons today, buddy.

No, no, no.

I mean, it's not even me.

He just likes that style of stand-up more.

Like, more written,

rehearsed, kind of fresher.

The notebook reference didn't really hit for him.

Did I do a notebook reference on stage that night?

No, I didn't.

We didn't see you.

They wanted to see Neil in the OR.

McCone.

Dude.

No, no, hold on.

McCone, right?

I wasn't ripping on your brother, right?

I was giving you just an observation.

I know, so was I.

No, you weren't.

You were turning it into a fucking death slam.

I mean, like.

There's a slam.

It was a slam, dude.

Big slam.

Top rope.

Top rope.

I was just saying, I don't think he likes me.

And you're like, well, yeah, well, your comedy is terrible.

You don't have to write.

You don't have to take an acting class.

I mean, you just, what the fuck, bro?

No, he was just a little too high.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, that takes away all the.

That takes, that removes all the weight from all this.

Yeah.

It does?

If you stone, he's probably.

But does he believe that stuff?

No, of course not.

It doesn't sound like it.

It doesn't sound like it.

I don't know, but are you being real?

No, I don't care.

I'm not that sensitive.

Bro.

Yeah, yeah.

What is going on?

What's going on?

I took him to the fucking movies, bro.

That was really fun.

I took him to dinner, the movies, when you're gone.

You filled this up.

You picked up my tab for a little while.

Right?

This guy.

And this is what he does to me?

Well, this is the thanks he gets.

I loved our movie day, Bob.

Okay.

I saw it when I was in Philly.

What?

Mission and Bob.

What did you think?

I'll say this.

Okay.

The beginning was terrible.

Jumpy, crazy, convoluted.

It looked like they did that.

You know, they shot the movie, and then they're like, fuck, we need to do something with the beginning.

That's really what it was.

Like all the throwback footage you were.

You didn't feel that.

Yeah.

Totally.

Thank you.

You didn't feel that?

100%.

Yeah, I said the beginning was jumbled, but once they got into his groove, it wasn't.

Oh, yes.

But once they found their feet, which they should have just started with, yeah, it's fine.

Okay, but just start there.

Yeah, uh, I love the relationship

with him and um

uh Ving Ving Reigns, yeah, that was emotional, it was awesome, yeah.

And Ving Reigns is just good, he's great, he's just good, yeah.

Um, I think my only hiccup was because I tested this on my own.

You know, I, you know, I go diving,

and uh, the submarine seemed

okay,

I did it.

I'm serious.

I went and dove.

I tried to get out of a submarine.

The suction from an engine.

Yeah.

You're gone.

You're gone.

And that part didn't play real.

Right.

Outside of that, everything else was fine.

Him derobing 600 feet underneath

and being able to surface with that.

Yeah.

Totally believable.

Yeah.

In negative degree water.

Believed it.

He would literally have imploded down there.

Within seconds.

have been like

it would have been like the Titanic Space.

Yeah.

Or that submarine that pop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then outside of that, and the airplane scene, the airplane chase with each other, totally believable.

Loved it.

Very nice.

That was the part that he actually did.

Yeah, some of it.

Let's be honest.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He did some of that.

Yeah.

He did.

He flew.

Yeah, he flew the plane.

I loved it.

I actually really enjoyed the movie as a whole.

Yeah.

I did want, for some reason, him to die at the end.

Yeah.

I really wanted that opus moment of like, this is it.

Yeah.

I'm done.

And by the way, they could have left it where he may have been dead, but we don't know.

Would have loved that.

Yeah.

Sexy.

Here's another thing I hated about it.

They're saying this is the last one.

It's not.

But at the end, when you do a thing where everyone meets at a courtyard or whatever in Paris.

We learned this from what?

Fast and Furious.

Fast and Furious.

They do that in every movie.

I've never seen that movie.

I've never seen that movie.

They meet at the house in East LA in every movie.

To let you know, another one's coming.

We'll be back.

We'll be back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So that I didn't like.

I was like, fuck off.

The Paris meetup I did not like.

Yeah.

Did not like that.

And also, you don't say anything.

Why would you all meet in a courtyard, right, just to look at each other?

Yeah, I got, I got, I, I understand.

That's, that's Tommy.

I bet my banking out that was a Tom pitch.

Really?

I bet you my life, he went, all right, so.

And then we're all going to meet.

Yeah, yeah.

But, but we won't say a word.

We won't, yeah.

And the director.

So our characters fly all around the world to get to Paris.

To get to Paris, right?

And then check this out.

We don't even say anything.

Imagine Simon Pegg just shows up.

He's like, my luggage is.

I lost my luggage.

I'm sorry.

So I'm late to the meetup.

Like one guy's flight was delayed.

Yeah.

And then that's the part that bothers me the most about these kind of movies.

Yeah.

Is there's no real world moments, which is correct, which is why Brad Pitt eats the entire time in oceans.

You know that, right?

In oceans.

11.

Oh, 11.

Brad's.

I thought he was really a deep at sea diver.

He will.

Will be.

Oh, right.

Okay.

In Oceans, I guess the rumor goes he wanted,

he was like,

he made a joke like,

when are we taking a shit?

Like, what are these guys eating or sleeping or whatever?

And I guess then he deliberately was like, well, I'm going to eat the whole fucking movie.

So in every scene in Oceans, he's eating something.

Wow.

Yeah.

And apparently that was the impetus.

Now, this could be internet lore.

Yeah.

But it's a great piece of internet lore.

But he is eating in every scene in Oceans, something.

Snacking, eating, chewing, doing something, drinking.

Yeah.

Pretty, pretty cool, Pretty cool.

And by the way, you do notice it.

Like the first time I saw it, I remember noticing, but actually not caring, which is kind of wild.

You're pulling scenes from other movies we're not talking about.

You know what Asaf Ali?

I know it's he does it in all his movies.

Well, he doesn't eat throughout the whole film, but in Oceans, he eats in every scene.

No, in Moneyball, he eats a lot, too.

Eats a lot, but not every scene.

You know what Asaf Ali said yesterday about Brad Pitt?

How funny was that phone call with you and I?

Dude, you killed it with that phone call.

I was dying laughing.

He had Asaf Ali on the phone because he found my pod.

So good.

And he goes, did you listen to my audition for the animated show?

I said, I sure did.

Yeah.

He goes, what do you think?

I said, two words, you stink.

And then I hung up.

Yeah.

It was amazing.

I love him.

Yeah.

One of our favorite dudes.

I think he's a lot of fun.

He's so talented.

Great actor.

I love Asif.

But he told me that he went to that new race car.

F1.

F1.

And he got to go to the after-party.

Oh, fuck.

So he's at the after-party.

Yeah, Brad's there.

And him and his, you know his brother, the pharmacist?

Asif's brother.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So they're just kind of going toward Brad just to see congratulations in the movie.

You know what I mean?

And you did a great job.

Choke slammed.

What?

What happened?

No.

They walk up to Brad, and then all of a sudden a fucking security guy goes in front of them.

They're like, what do you want?

Correct.

But in my mind, it's like, how bold are you, fucker, to even approach the man?

Yeah, you don't do that.

You don't approach the man.

That's what I'm saying.

They should have slammed him.

They should have body slammed these guys and stepped on their throats.

Yeah.

He's like, well, I'm a part of the business.

He's one of those.

I'm a part of the business.

No, you're not.

Yeah, you're not.

No, you're actually.

That's a part of the business, but you're not.

You're not.

Yeah, you're.

You're not.

You shouldn't have even been in the room.

You shouldn't have even been there.

In the building, right?

Okay, if I see Brad Pitt,

this is what I do.

That's Brad Pitt, right?

I'll go like that.

Brad's here.

That's it.

Yeah.

To my brother.

Here's what I would do.

I'm talking to you at a party, and I'm like, well, and then next week we'll have to, I got to go.

And I'd like, really?

Well, you don't want to be around that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

The presence of that man?

The presence of it.

Every woman looks at Brad and looks at you and goes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want to all of a sudden go,

Gemini.

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I kind of use my credit card for almost everything.

Yeah, but did you struggle to see what kind of card you want to use or not?

Yeah, because I don't know what I'm going to, like, what are the points for and where do they go?

And what am I using them for?

And who cares?

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I don't need to get hard in front of Brad.

In fact, I don't want to be wrong.

Austin Butler either if we're at it.

Austin Butler.

I'll get hard in front of Blacklit.

I'm less threatened by the Butler.

Oh, really?

I'm more threatened by the Brad.

I think Butler would have been really kind of more down to earth.

Sure, B.

Pitt's way up there.

Yeah, Pitts.

He's a god.

You know, if Osuff had any brains, he would have acted like Staff.

Then you can go up to Brad.

Oh.

Act like Staff.

Go, can I get anything to do?

He's the right color, too.

Oh,

what?

Mal, you sometimes you say it the true way.

Sometimes I can't.

I think it's if I'm okay, for instance, right?

I've been every Chinese restaurant when I was a kid.

I would literally walk by a table if I go to the bathroom.

And every time people go, excuse me,

can I get the hot mustard or whatever?

And I'm like 14.

I'm like, I don't worry.

You'd go get it, though, wouldn't you?

I would get it.

You know what I mean?

I'll go get it.

When he does it, they walk away and the white people are like, look, dude, you can ask anybody.

They'll all get it for you.

They feel guilty about it.

Yeah.

They know you don't work there.

They don't care.

But I, because I just look the part.

I wasn't being racist again, Osuff.

I just think that a lot of times.

Oh, I was kidding.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're totally fine.

Okay, thank you.

But he goes up to Brad and sees the movie.

Did he say the movie was good?

He was amazing, but I was more stuck on the nerve of you.

Yeah, the nerve of that guy.

Right?

It's like another thing.

It's like when you see like one of your openers.

And then they're like, oh, my friend Billy's from out of town.

And then Billy tries to hug you.

Oh, buddy.

Right?

Yeah, Billy.

What's up, homie?

Thanks for helping my friend out.

You know what I mean?

They do that all the time.

You're like,

bro, what is going on?

I don't know you, Billy.

Yeah.

Dude, I was on a flight in my fucking row was Nick Offerman coming back from Budapest.

I love him.

Didn't even,

I didn't even look over.

Didn't want to bother.

I didn't want to like fucking.

Did you say hi?

Fuck no.

Yeah.

I don't know him.

And also, what am I going to say?

Hey, I think you're the shit.

Yeah.

And he'll go, okay.

Yeah.

And I'll go, goodbye.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to bug that guy.

Yeah.

I've done this where I'm, so when I was in Budapest too, I was with a couple of actors from Borderlands.

Anyway,

and John Krasinski was at the Nobu.

Yeah.

And so I noticed John, but I just kind of look and I go, oh, there's John Krazzewski.

But then one of my castmates was like, oh, I did a movie with him.

And so she just got up and then she waved me over.

That's the move.

And then I walked over and John was super cold.

Hey, dude, I know you.

But you have to have an invite.

You have to have an in.

And guess what, Asif?

Brad Pitt didn't give you an invite.

No.

No one did.

He actually snuck into the F1 from here.

Yeah.

There's 20 people.

Well, give me 10 people that you don't think you're allowed to approach them.

10?

Yeah.

Way more than that.

I know, but just your time.

Okay,

let me give you some names.

We can go back and forth.

And see, no, I'm going to give you an assignment to see if they're approachable or not.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Tom Hardy.

No, not even close.

Okay, let's set up the scenario, though.

Doesn't matter.

It's a party of 40 people.

Oh, even less.

Oh, really?

Yep.

So, Tom or no.

Meryl Streep.

Nope.

Whoa, wow.

No chance.

Yeah, Timothy Chalamet.

Timothy Chalamet.

Only because I know a little French, yeah.

Are you being ready?

You would approach him.

With.

Okay.

No, I would never.

Tom Holland.

Nope.

Okay.

No way.

What?

So nobody.

Yeah, you might.

Jennifer Lawrence.

No.

Oh, keep going.

You might find one.

Okay, I will.

Okay,

let me look.

Josh Peck.

I don't want to talk to him.

Okay.

No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, because

you kind of know him.

Yeah.

I'm looking at.

Oh, I got one.

You were about to say middle famous.

You were about to say, like, you weren't saying, I know what you were doing.

You were going, I've done the A's.

Let's get to the B's.

Yeah, I was trying to.

I get it.

Okay.

Because all the A's are no.

I'm not going to do any of the A's.

Yeah, yeah.

Unless I've worked with you.

Right.

Or your.

Best friend is someone I know very well.

William Forsyth.

Don't even know him, and I definitely would.

Right.

I'd go, Mr.

Forsyth, love you to death.

Yeah.

The kids from Sopranos.

Robert Eiler.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd probably say hi to them.

Yeah.

You know why?

They pod.

They pod.

So that's your angle in.

We have something very in common.

Just give me a couple of names.

Let me see if I can.

So let me see if you would go up to

Sidney Sweeney.

Since I don't know who she is, I would do it.

You don't know who Sidney Sweeney is?

Sidney Sweeney.

You know Sidney Sweeney, but I don't know.

Yep.

Yeah.

What's she in?

Euphoria.

Euphoria.

Never saw it.

That's why.

I'm going up to her.

Oh, yeah.

She's say what?

She's an A-star, and I'm going right up to her.

Yeah, okay.

I'm going to do what Asip should have done.

I'm going to walk right up to her at a party and go, how are you, ma'am?

Can I get you anything to eat or drink?

Yeah.

As looking like me, though.

Yeah, she's very pretty.

I'm sure she's very talented.

She is, she is very talented.

You know what movie I had TV show I hadn't never seen, and I'm just, I haven't been sleeping because I've been binge walking

is Oxnard.

The city of of Oxnard in California Ozark Ozark

So good They could make that show in Oxnard by the way.

Yeah, yeah similar I had never seen it before How did you not see this?

I don't know it just kind of flew by me it's and one night I was so bored.

You know what I mean?

I was like I was on Netflix.

I was like, oh, I heard this is okay.

You know, so I watched the first one.

I didn't sleep for 24 hours.

This is crazy.

You're just seeing this is such a good show.

I'm throwing through it.

She

is a star to that girl.

Well, she's been because of the show, she has been for a while now wow yeah she gets a lot of work she was so good in that isai morales i mean i just laureliny everyone's so good but i never why do you why don't you guys ever tell me to watch it it won emmys everybody talked yeah i just it was one of those things that just kind of flew by me it was one of the most successful shows in its i mean it literally was like a banger hit okay let me ask you this then am i gonna be because sometimes when you watch a show like lost it kind of fades out it doesn't fade it doesn't does it fade it's good to the last second yeah and the ending i think the last season is fantastic yeah here's my argument against it

you i promise you you don't know what's coming but here's my argument against it okay

there's no reprieve

once one problem solved it's it's the stress of what they as a couple have to go through there's never an episode where like oh

You're about you, what season are you on?

Just the middle of the second season.

You're going to see some things start to change.

Okay.

You'll see moments of, we know, people that know, know, there's moments of payoff.

Yeah, I just, because

at one point you want the people that you like in the show to have some wins.

There's some stuff in there.

You'll start to see.

Because there's no wins right now.

I know, but without any of this drama, how could you get through it?

I've done this.

I'm not going to lie to you.

You've done what?

I've watched shows where they passed the time of

their moment in the sun.

Yeah.

And then I'm like.

Were you aware of these shows or are you just like, I'm going to just.

I just put it off, maybe.

Yeah.

Like, maybe I just wasn't into it at the time.

All right.

So, what?

Give me a shot.

I waited for The Wire.

I didn't watch The Wire when it came out.

Oh, wow.

That was a good show.

I waited.

Wow.

I don't know why either.

I think that was a big one.

And the other big one was.

Friends?

I've never seen an episode.

I've never seen an episode of Friends either.

Never.

Not interested.

I have one that you're going to.

I already said it, but people know.

I know, but I'm not interested.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's a bunch of whites.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What else is it?

That's it?

Wire?

No, The Wire I watched late.

The other one I watched late was

Stranger Things.

I was late to that party.

Yeah.

I didn't see that when it was coming out.

Yeah.

That was huge.

Yeah.

I just didn't give a fuck

about kids in the suburbs and chasing ghosts.

I was like, I don't know.

Good show.

It was okay.

Yeah, it's okay.

Did you?

What's her name?

Game of Thrones?

You saw Game of Thrones.

Drake's wife is in it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So why have it...

You saw Game of Thrones?

Yeah.

Why can't you watch House of the Dragon?

Cannot.

Will not.

It's so good, though.

I felt the same way until I started watching it.

No, I don't want to.

And maybe, like we're talking now, maybe I'll watch it in a couple years.

Yeah, it's a different show, but I think at one point, probably episode seven, I'm like, okay, here we go.

Here we go.

In your mind.

Seven's a lot.

I know.

When I watched Oxnard, Here We Go was in the first episode.

Ozark.

But I like Oxnard.

You're right.

Oxnard is a city here in California, and you are right.

The Ozarks.

I thought I said Ozark.

You did.

Okay.

I said Oxnard.

Who cares?

You know what I'm talking about.

I do know.

Okay.

Yeah.

But it happened in the pilot.

Do the first scene, the very first frame

is butt-clenchingly cool.

Yeah.

Shot in Chicago, Illinois.

And Isai Morales, there was a point where after Esai did La Bamba

and some of his earlier work.

La Bamba.

He was in La Bamba.

Richie Vallens.

Richie Vallens, yeah, yeah.

Ba la bala la la la balla balla balla ba la la la la la bamba.

Exactly.

Where he would hang out at the store a lot.

Really?

Yeah.

And that's how I know him.

And then he disappeared.

I like I never, right?

But to see him now.

Interesting.

In huge things.

He's such a nice guy.

Yeah, he's big.

Handsome.

Handsome.

Yeah, just a nice person.

You ever see Bad Boy with fucking Sean Penn and Isa Morales?

Oh, my God.

A violent prison movie.

It's so good.

The Sean Penn of it all bothers me.

Go to an image.

Yeah, maybe that one where they're facing each other.

That's cool.

Dude, that movie is so good.

I've never seen

violent.

Because I like the black one.

Why don't you like Sean?

Huh?

Why don't you like Sean Penn?

Oh, he, you know.

Have you had a real world?

No.

Okay.

No, no, no.

What is it then?

I just don't like what I see.

What do you see?

His nose?

No, he's just like a constant harp about everything, about politics and a global perspective.

It's like, shut the fuck up.

Yeah.

You're going to change the world?

Yeah.

But when Katrina, he went to the Mud River and tried to save people?

I'm sure he did.

What?

What's up?

It's all bullshit.

You know what this is like when people and actors get on these fucking high horses about saving the fucking world?

It's the same way I feel about yesterday.

I saw an environmental police officer.

An environment.

Yeah, look at that.

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

He's running.

Come this way.

And she's barely walking.

She's a king.

Yeah, yeah.

So annoying.

Wow.

This is by the way, this is all performative.

Performative.

Dude, this guy.

It's the worst.

Give me another one.

This is so funny.

I'm trying to save black people.

The worst.

It's such performative bullshit.

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, what are you carrying, Rice?

Rice.

Like, what are you doing?

Is that like a part of a damn thing?

I like how you question it like you don't know.

You can smell that from a mile away.

Yeah.

You know what's in there.

Well, I thought it was a bag full of AIDS.

Performative AIDS.

Yeah.

Coming in with the AIDS.

Heads up.

By the way, such performative bullshit.

If the camera wasn't there, would he do it?

How about this?

Oh, my God.

This is so funny, dude.

Go save the world without cameras.

Exactly.

Go do it without.

That's exactly what it is.

I think that's what it is.

And also that fucking little wound he has on his head, makeup.

Makeup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, he was in the bathroom.

Oh, God.

I can make it look good.

So you're right.

When you do...

Performative bullshit.

So when you...

Like, I try to do one

thing, nice thing, and not brag about it a day.

You should.

That's wonderful.

Okay.

But once you say, yeah, I just give this homeless guy money, it just takes it away.

Takes it away.

You can say it to me, your friend.

I wouldn't even do that.

But he's publicizing it to the world.

Like, look at how much of a fucking hero I am.

And then he goes on.

I heard Bill Maher.

He went on Bill Mars, and they were going back and forth about it.

You know what I also don't like?

You go on TikTok or whatever, and you'll see a guy from the Midwest.

LA is a shit all.

You know what I mean?

It's dying.

You know what I mean?

This and that.

And it's like, bro.

Number one, did you see anything on fire when you look?

You live here.

Right?

That's only one little section

of one of the biggest cities in the world.

Yeah, it didn't exist.

I didn't see it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like, I can make an argument that I'll give you why LA is better.

Go ahead.

Right now?

Not right now.

Yeah, yeah.

But I can.

Yeah.

I mean, off the top of my head,

the best Korean food better than in Korea.

That's fucking wild.

And I know you've said that before, but it's wild.

Okay.

And I just discovered a new one that blew the other ones away.

Gobin.

Gobin.

On Western.

I got to take you guys there.

Another one is Dado.

A new one.

I want to save this on my phone.

Oh, you just text me.

I'll text it too.

Because I want that.

Second thing.

The other night, me and Andrea Jin,

bored.

It's midnight.

And we go, let's go to the spa.

Love.

Yeah.

So her and I are upstairs in the communal one.

And we're just laughing.

In the clay balls.

It's like midnight.

We're just laughing, you know what I mean?

In the clay balls.

In the clay balls.

You can't do that in fucking Indianapolis.

They don't have a spa there.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

A third one, it's like,

when we go ugly, we go ugly.

And I like that.

Go on.

What do you mean?

What does that mean?

I don't want to go because I didn't have to make references to people that we know, and I want to do that.

All right.

And I don't get in trouble.

But when we go ugly, but when we go hot, we go hot.

We're hot, yeah.

Right?

We're 45 minutes from the beach, depending on where you live.

Yeah.

Right?

We're a couple hours from skiing.

Two hours from skiing.

Yeah, yeah.

We have desert situations, Jean-Christi.

Jean Twitter.

We have every environment known to man here.

That's right.

Fourth biggest fucking economy in the world.

And we have the beautiful, and we have the mountains.

We have the mountains.

You want to go hike?

You can go hike.

Yeah.

Give me a positive about L.A.

You're here.

You too.

I should be the number one.

That's my only one that I can even think of.

You're the only reason I'm still here.

Another thing, comedy clubs.

Comedy clubs.

From where we live, we're six to ten minutes away from every

of the biggest comedy clubs in L.A.

In the world, probably.

In the world, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Comedy stores are one of the biggest.

Literally, we could just get in the car, 10 minutes later, I'm on stage.

That's right.

Fucking amazing.

That is right.

Yeah.

There's just so many things.

It reminds me that I like this place when I walk my dog in the morning with coffee.

That's probably it for me.

Truly.

Really?

Yeah, something about the morning sun with coffee with the dog.

And I'm like, well, this isn't everywhere.

And this is like this every day.

Every day.

Every day.

Yeah.

And someone's like, don't you get tired of that?

Isn't it Groundhog Day?

Like, did you watch that movie?

It was pretty good.

Yeah, pretty good.

It's pretty cool.

He got to, he, you know, he got to do whatever he wants.

Now, if Hawaii had three major comedy clubs,

I might do if it's the only place I would go.

I can live.

I'll say this.

If Hawaii had even two major comedy, even one major comedy club

and no Hawaiians, I would love it.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No locals.

Yeah.

I do love Hawaii.

I love it too, dude.

Oh, so I talked, we got to do a show there.

Please.

No, I'll think about it.

Here's why I don't want to do a show there.

That's like where we go to escape.

You know, there's something about that that I'm like, oh, I don't want to do that there.

Interesting.

It's like, you know, it's like.

That's our excuse to go, though.

It can be, but it's almost like.

It's why I don't like fucking in the shower.

I get clean in there.

I don't want to get.

There's certain places you've had sex in, like roller coaster.

Never fucked in a roller coaster.

You have?

Yeah.

No chance.

I've gotten a blowjob on a Ferris wheel.

That's good.

That's kind of a roller coaster.

Every roller coaster motion, maybe.

Yeah, slow, but up and down.

I don't know.

Ferris wheel goes around.

Yeah.

That was up and down.

That was up and down.

Where's the weirdest place you ever hooked up?

I'll tell you why.

What?

Well, tell me why you did it, too.

I'll tell you why what.

I was my first girlfriend.

her name was Jennifer.

I remember.

You do?

No.

Yeah.

And so I was working at a restaurant called the Brockton Villa.

Love the Brockton Villa.

It's in La Jolla.

I know where it is.

And still there.

Slammed lunches and breakfasts.

And I had a big section that day.

I'm talking about like 12 tables.

I was running around like a little chicken.

All right.

And then the host comes up to me.

She goes, Your girl's here.

Your girlfriend's here.

What?

And so I run to the host and I go, what are you doing here?

She's like, I just bore.

I go, I know, but I'm slammed.

She's like, you want to fuck with them?

Okay.

So she met me at the back bathroom.

Like, there's an outside entrance when you go out.

There's a bathroom at the back of the thing, right?

Slam.

I'm memorizing who needs ketchup coffee refills, right?

But I'm also going, pop, pop, pop, right?

How fun.

It was so fun.

In the bathroom.

In the bathroom.

It's got to be so fun.

You guys wait at tables.

You have to memorize so much shit, then.

Yeah.

I hate it.

That's the worst.

Yeah.

My brother purposely sticks.

Have you seen my brother's thumbs before?

That's disgusting.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a creature.

He puts it in the food.

He purposely put it in the omelette or whatever when he's delivering it to him.

And he says, I'll tell you what.

It makes the resentment go away.

And I get it.

Right.

You know what I mean?

I'm serving you food.

Yeah, if you treated me poor, I'm sticking my thumb in your omelet.

Correct.

And this thumb was in my butt.

Yeah.

This thumb was definitely in my butt.

I put my thumb in my butt.

You don't do that?

Some people suck on their thumb too long.

I've been.

I've never fit any fingers in my butt.

Shut up.

You've never put a finger in your butt?

Someone else has.

I've tasted my calm.

Yeah, that's word.

Okay.

Yeah, but I never have.

It's not because I don't want to admit to it.

It's just I haven't done that.

Why?

Brother.

Don't brother me when you say butt, dude.

Don't brother me, dude.

You got to come to the dark side, pal.

What's the purpose?

There's something in there.

What?

Like a.

And you got to get it out.

Get in there.

Hey.

Yeah.

You know how sometimes in Super Mario, there was like that hidden thing that you had to go find?

That's what's in your ass.

Really?

Go get that star.

It's in there.

Okay.

All right.

If you had a star.

And the Mario music kicks in when you're in there, too.

That one?

Wow.

When I'm jerking off and I put a finger in my body, I go, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bum bum bump.

And then when I find the spot I'm talking about, I go, boo, boo, boo, boo,

yeah, yeah, wow.

I'll try tonight.

I'll try it tonight.

You got me.

You got me.

Yeah, I can't wait.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

Wow.

I take my finger out.

I go, boo, booty, booty.

Your wife's like, what are you doing in there?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

It's so funny.

Oh, dude, tomorrow music is so funny.

It's a good music.

Guys, please do that at home.

Yeah, do that at home.

Wow.

Thank you for being a bad friend, by the way.