We Are Suing Tom Segura

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

Yeah.

What are you doing with the drink?

Give it to the king.

Give the king his drink.

Give him a drink, dude.

Give the king.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Get him a side table to put that on.

Also, hey, hey, before you do that.

Before you do that, clear off that table.

Bow!

Bow to Tom!

Take it all off!

Bow to Tom!

Bow to him!

Bow to Tom first.

Bow to him.

Say, my liege, I am so proud of you.

My liege.

Say, I am so proud to have met you in person, my liege.

I am so proud to have met you in person.

And this is from my homeland, Saki Saki.

Saki Saki?

Saki-saki.

Okay, now go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let him put drinks on your back until Carlos can clear off the table.

Yeah, yeah.

Use him as a table.

Yeah, he uses him as a table.

Yeah, good boy.

I don't hear anything new.

God damn it.

Damn it, man.

I think he might have.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, you just had to.

Did you do that with me?

We could bring it down a little.

Okay.

look all the way.

It's high.

It's pretty high.

That's all.

You can bring it down a little bit.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you.

I was like, I got you a death.

Yeah.

What?

Wow.

Whoa.

What?

What?

I just got it.

I'm done.

You're trying to insult our guest.

Fancy Spaniard.

Yeah, dude.

Number one.

We're family.

Yeah.

That's number one.

Number two, he's the king.

I know.

I'm not a fan of the kids.

Number two.

Number three.

Right?

Number three?

Andrew's what?

Kind of death.

Watch your tone, bud.

Bro.

You want to get shit back?

You want ice?

You want me to send ice?

I have a passport now.

What?

I'll bring fire, dude.

How long?

It is funny.

He has a sound.

That sounds like he just got.

Did you just get the passport?

Two years ago.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

It sounded like it sounded like it arrived last week.

No, I have a passport now.

No, he did.

He took a citizenship test, and he's an American citizen.

We're proud of him.

Yeah.

Way to go, man.

So,

I'm not.

Let's introduce our guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of the most powerful, poignant.

It's too much.

It's a lot.

It's Tom Segura.

You know, take out poignant.

Poignant?

And powerful.

He is powerful and poignant.

Okay.

And he has a show out right now on Netflix called Bad Thoughts, which we are going to sue for as a bad friends company, man.

That's right there, right?

Are there other words you could have used?

Yeah.

There were awful.

300.

Awful thoughts.

It could have been.

Yeah, yeah.

Atrocious thoughts.

Yep.

Yeah.

Alliteration would have been good, like

terrible thoughts.

Tyrannica's little rex.

Well thought.

Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Synonyms for bad.

You could have used.

Yeah, zoom in, zoom in.

Substandard.

Unacceptable would have been good.

Unacceptable thoughts.

Second rate.

Ah, yeah.

Dreadful.

Yeah, dreadful.

Not up to par thoughts.

Unlucky thoughts.

Grim thoughts.

Have you thought about what you're going to name your special?

No, I haven't, Tom.

It's one of the worst times you can have.

I know.

I can't think of it.

I just did mine.

I know.

I know your title is not.

I'm not saying it yet, but I'm not.

I know your title is great.

There's this thing, too, when you're naming, and they pointed this out to me because we were submitting just dozens of them.

Yeah.

Every title sounds fake until it's like official.

Right.

Like when you're throwing them around, you're like, that sounds like a made-up.

That doesn't sound real.

Well, ChatGBT says Bobby's comedy spells should be called Tiger Dad, Unfiltered Kimchi,

The Slept King, Pork Chop Samurai,

Diagnost.

That's the only one.

Trauma llama is so good.

Trauma Lama.

I feel like if you do go with Still Bobby, you got to do one of these poses.

How about this?

Still Bobby.

Still Bobby.

Yeah.

No, does your title, I was thinking about this because you guys are the pros.

Correct.

And you guys are better than me.

That's right.

Yeah.

People you're talking about.

Yeah.

What?

As people, you mean people draw

as people, as comics, as friends, as

actors, as writers, as performers,

everything, really.

Yeah, you know?

Take it away.

Okay, now so good.

Now go.

Yeah.

It is so good.

Anyway,

what I was going to say, does your title have anything to do with your jokes or your theme, or can it just be random?

It can be anything.

All right.

Well, why can't I just do the Slept King?

You can.

Yeah, yeah.

Trauma Llama is more fun.

Yeah, but I don't have jokes about llamas.

I certainly think you could write one.

Let's do one right now.

Go ahead.

What did the llama say to his twin brother llama?

What did he say?

You can open it.

You know, because you're opening.

Pretty good, right?

That's dead online.

Well, the opener is your table setter for the hour.

So that's a good way to start the hour.

Let people know what kind of show they're going to see.

Really?

Sure.

Yeah.

Listen, you're a better friend than me, right?

And you're a better actor and all that stuff.

He said, right?

But what I'm saying to you is that, are you being real right now?

Yeah.

You think that joke I just wrote should be my opening joke?

For the special, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you might maybe workshop it a little.

Do thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thanks for coming, man.

My first special.

Woo!

San Diego!

Woo!

Hey, what's up?

Travel!

Thanks for bringing it up, guy.

You're right.

What did the one llama say to the Switz Lama, brother?

What did he say?

What?

Nah.

Woo!

everybody's laughing

losing it dude i'm losing it my favorite thing you said is it's the table setting for the entire special and it made me think immediately i know that's a turner phrase but how bobby has literally never set a table his entire life it's i went to etiquette school no you didn't i i there's a paper in powwe i have a clipping of it of me going to etiquette school they took a photo of me why did they take a photo of you going to etiquette school Because I didn't know what a fork was.

How old were you?

12 or something.

And so I was like, there's.

So, yeah, it was like that.

And I picked up a fork.

What?

No, that's not me.

Oh.

I was picking up a fork, like looking at it like, this is a fork.

You know what I mean?

And I was like.

Dude, you went to etiquette class for how long?

Be honest.

For like a year.

We also learned dancing, ballroom dancing.

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what's so funny is that you have none of none of that is in you.

When I'm, I've, you know, I love you and I've, and I've introduced you to different people in my life.

And all of them are like, where's this fucking alien from?

Like within minutes.

They're like, this is the first time.

No, no, fuck.

Fuck off, Tom.

I think it's your projection because I'm going to say something.

I'll tell you why.

We were in Toronto backstage.

Yeah.

And he said the same exact privately.

He goes, where are you from?

You're so weird.

Yeah.

And I think that's his own projection.

I think I'm normal.

Wait, why are you saying he's not projecting?

Yeah.

What would he be projecting?

Because he's weird.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

You don't think that's weird?

I think

he's about as low weird on the weird scale as you are the highest of the weird.

What's weird about me, though?

What's weird?

That you're Peruvianly, but you look like a white guy.

Okay, that's kind of weird.

Sure.

I would say

it was interesting, not weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's more interesting than weird.

Yeah, yeah.

That's like, oh, you're proving.

Proving.

That's interesting.

I didn't know that.

The only guy that lost weight that looks worse?

Wow, dude.

Okay.

You see what he's doing?

And by the way,

he tried to go to battle with Shane Gillis.

Didn't end well.

Yeah, it didn't end well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's another thing that you're weird.

Yeah.

You surprise me.

That's weird?

Yeah, because it's like you're dynamic, but you hide your talents.

What are you fucking talking about?

I don't know.

I'm just wondering if you're not.

Yeah, it's not working.

Yeah, yeah.

He's not weird.

Look, Carlos.

Weird.

He's fucking weird, man.

We know what weird is.

We have it all over.

Look at the fucking window a weirdos.

He said alien.

You are quite alien.

So i walk into like a dinner like

but here's the thing you you take this you always get defensive like it's a like it's a critique right but what i'm saying is that it's a celebration like when people meet you like i we've we've toured together you came and did bad thought you did an episode of bad thoughts with me i have another thing that i let him finish okay but go ahead so like in in both scenarios you know like i go like oh here this is my friend bobby's great comic and everyone, you know, it's like, oh, cool.

Always, if not within the first 20 minutes, within the first few hours, people pull me aside and they're like, yo, this guy's out of his fucking mind.

Dude, story of my fucking life.

It's got to be, right?

Every day of my life.

And why does he react this way, though?

He pretends this is an act.

It's a, he does this because he wants, this is him ramping up.

Yeah.

You know how, like, somebody ramps up?

Yeah.

He's ramping up silently.

Look at him.

Go ahead and say what you want to say back.

He's not critiquing you.

He's just giving you the real world.

Okay.

Okay.

People used to call me eccentric.

Eccentric.

Whatever it is.

Yeah, that's a one.

And espresso.

Yeah, and

espresso.

Eccentric.

Can you get me espresso?

I'm an eccentric.

That's what you should call your special.

Eccentric espresso.

All right, okay.

What a rama save totes tween brother you're on fire today hey go so women used to go you're eccentric and i googled it and i don't think that i'm any of that you are eccentric we've looked it up on this show yeah but yeah so um unconventional and slightly strange yeah but that's about that's about that's about society you like society tells you how to behave one way right not everybody's weird about you yeah that's what yeah yeah here's the thing

you are eccentric we love that's what we like about you It's the most fun thing.

But honestly, can I just say, oh, can I just, I honestly think that I'm normal.

For you, you are.

When I wake up,

I go, oh, normal.

You know what I mean?

Like,

no, I don't do that.

No, no.

You were about to do that.

No, I don't do that.

No, no, no.

I go, oh,

good morning.

No.

I go, oh, morning.

Yeah.

Yeah, like that.

Okay, can I give you an example?

Here's the deal.

I had it like that.

If I said to my mom and dad in Chicago, if I said, Tom Seguro is coming over for dinner tonight, they'd go, oh, wow.

Awesome.

Oh, my God.

And then if I say, when I said, Bobby, mom, dad, Bobby's coming up for dinner.

My mom goes, really?

What is he doing?

Okay.

That's a fact.

They were there.

All right.

When I went to your fucking Thanksgiving fucking dinner, right?

Yeah.

Wasn't I polite?

You were.

And I jeweled.

Oh, my fucking.

You were putting on his.

I am.

You were putting on.

I am.

You were putting on.

That's who I am.

I'm a normal dude how much of an act was he fucking putting on it was unbelievable you were watching football with his dad It's such bullshit

He's such a liar you've watched football before no no but like but it's like all the Kansas City Chiefs are playing the Philadelphia Philadelphia yeah

right yeah yeah and you know because they should change the name no they did yeah they changed it Philadelphia Philadelphia Skyhawks whatever they are the Skyhawks so um yeah it's so close yeah so yeah yeah I think it's Eagles hey There we go.

You got it.

Okay, named some football television.

You want to guess?

Pittsburgh.

Steelers.

Very good.

Very good.

Detroit?

Lions.

Chicago?

You got to know that.

Bears.

Arizona.

That's a tricky one.

Cardinals.

Oh, that's good.

Wow.

You know all them all.

So that's my point.

I act like this in show business areas.

Good for you.

Right?

So, like, you know, I met Chuck Laurie the other day.

You know what I mean?

Brag.

Big brag.

Big brag.

Was it a general?

Like, was it a.

No, we were just hanging out.

Where?

Oh, we were just hanging out.

Me and Chuck Laurie.

And I act weird in front of him because I'm like, use me as innocent car.

Five and a half guys or whatever.

And so it's like,

I can see myself like my brother does it.

My brother acts weird in front of you guys.

That's not who he is.

You're right.

I've seen both sides of your brother.

Yeah.

So it's like, I think that I kind of like accentuate accentuate certain things.

You qualities of momentum.

You play it up.

Right.

Yeah, that's normal, though.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

I have a qualm with you.

Tell me.

Okay.

Okay.

So this fool, right?

You know what?

I'll bring it up privately.

No, do it now.

Might as well do it now.

That look was fucking...

You have a look now, Dad.

Now?

Yeah,

your look now is improved dramatically.

What do you mean?

He can look at me with an eye

or both eyes, if you may,

and you can go, just in one eye, shut the fuck up.

Oh, yeah.

But I wasn't doing that.

He didn't do that, though.

I didn't do that.

Tell me what the.

I'm curious as to what your qualm is.

Okay.

Oh, check this out, dude.

This is so funny.

What?

I'm Bobby.

Making it up.

No, I'm not.

I'm not making it up.

I'm making it up right now in my head.

Making it up.

I'm making it up.

I'm fucking making it up right now in my head.

Go.

I'm not going to say it.

Oh, come on.

Come on, dude.

Don't do this.

Just do it.

What's your qualm, please?

So, what I was just a qualm was that you called me.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm doing a project, right?

And I go, and you called me FaceTime.

So then I went to your bad thoughts thing.

Yeah.

And I went to the director.

I'm like,

of the project that you're doing.

And I go,

I'm in it, right?

He's like, we'll see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

i don't understand hold on one second i'm just gonna who's gonna give this story the light is this

is that it wait i went to the premiere that's what you're saying and you were worried you weren't in it you're in the show no it was a different project oh what the movie

The movie.

He called me a movie.

And then when I went to the and talked to the director, he made it seem like I wasn't in it.

Maybe you're not.

What did he say?

He goes,

maybe he was joking.

Like, we're going to have audition or something but you know what i mean

yeah interesting were you good in the movie do you think we haven't done it yet so what the fuck are you talking about he's he's talking about that there's a movie coming up yeah that your offer is coming this week for yeah and

he's

oh wow

i don't you know i believe that

yeah he'll turn it down but um he might you know how he does might you know what i mean he just might yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you know what?

Not we can't all do karate ghost

ghost,

dude.

This guy,

what's karate ghost?

My favorite thing about Bobby, sometimes Bobby's like, don't do the Asian accent anymore, man.

I'm trying to get away from that kind of shit.

And I'm like, okay, fine.

What'd you do this week?

He's like, I shot karate ghost.

What is that?

Deadline?

Yeah.

It's not deadline.

Belushi, Bobby Lee,

and who else?

Tim Tim Rosen, Colton, Gobo.

Those are fake names.

Those are AI.

Well, that dude right there is in the new Karate Kid movie.

I know, buddy.

I'm just teasing.

Okay.

Wait, so have you...

Is this how it is?

I shot it already.

Steve Howie's in it, too.

Is it just your voice?

No, no, I'm literally in it.

But

stop it.

What the fuck?

It's a good movie.

It's going to be hit.

How was it?

Steve Howie's in it, by the way.

Here's how I know Steve Howey's in it.

What?

Steve Howie called me.

I was at the gym and they called me to say, hey, man, did Bobby change his number?

I can't get through to him at all.

I was like, you got the right number, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, I texted him back, though.

You did finally.

We called him.

Yeah, I called him.

Yeah, yeah.

Set in a town ruled by an absurd karate law, the film watches a lonely teen form an unlikely bond with the ghost of his late father's favorite action hero.

Is that right?

Yep.

And then you're the fake.

No, I play a sensei.

do think Asian accent.

I do think Asian accent.

I was going to say, how's your English?

In it.

Is it the kind we all want to hear?

All right.

But it's based on a popular comic book, right?

In a video game?

Yeah.

He said, so here's the deal, okay?

I fucking.

Look at you in that IMDb photo.

That's great, man.

It's killing it.

This guy's killing it, man.

Yeah, that one.

Yeah.

That was from a long time ago.

VH6.

1996.

That's when VH1 was still on the air.

Yeah, yeah.

So handsome.

Okay, anyway, this is what happened, Tom.

Kick punch.

I had to put.

You had a.

Tell me, you had what?

Come on.

Dude, I feel so defenseless.

I'm being bullied by both of you.

Do you deserve this?

I do, I think.

You do.

I do.

Go ahead.

I apologize.

That's fine.

Okay.

I didn't show up to a meeting.

You?

Yeah.

What was it at noon or something?

You're like, this is 10 a.m.

in the morning.

10.30, Carlos and I were on the phone with Ireland.

We were Zooming with Ireland, doing morning press, and

they were like, where's Bubby?

Is Bobby going to be coming with you?

Yeah.

I was like, well, he's not in my house.

We have two separate homes, so I don't know where.

And they're like, really?

Can you get a hold of Bobby?

And I was like, I can't.

We can't get a hold of Bobby.

Yeah, how mad were you?

We had this plan for you.

How mad were you?

I said, you're right, Irishman.

We have had this plan for weeks.

Yeah, I can't believe Bobby's not on the call.

I was like, I can't either.

You know what, dude?

He never does stuff like this.

And the Irishman goes, Ah, that's so disappointing that I thought we'd get you together and you'd be goofing together.

And I said, Me too.

Me too, bud.

Me too.

And how many times I have to fucking apologize for it?

Um, karate ghost.

Can we not talk about karate ghost?

I tell you what, if that's the story, you didn't even tell me, by the way.

Well, about what?

Well, you, I, you had asked me and and you know, about you and bad thoughts, and you're like, is it funny?

Is it good?

And I was like, and then I was like, like, Thank you so much for doing it.

Did you watch it?

You know, he didn't watch it.

You didn't watch it?

No fucking chance.

You didn't watch yourself?

No.

No.

So what happened was this.

Okay.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

So Gilbert from Tiger Belly.

Correct.

I made him watch it.

So he saw the whole show.

So you paid another guy to watch your scene for you.

And then before, because you know what I mean?

And he goes, your sketches is not as strong

as the other sketches.

Is it your fault?

I know.

Just listen to what I'm saying, Tom.

I don't want it to be rolling around.

All right.

So, what I'm saying is that, and so I'm like, oh, but I have to say, I've gotten a lot of text as how great I was in it.

You're so funny in it.

So, my point is, is that thank you so much.

Okay.

You were really great in it, honestly.

Thank you.

Why didn't you want to watch it?

Andrew, do you watch everything you're in?

No, but I watch everything you're in.

I know.

And I watch Nikki Slicky.

Did you?

Nikki Snicky?

Yeah,

what's it about?

It's about golf, baby.

That's right.

Very good.

Say less.

Anyway, so I don't watch things that I'm in.

Me neither.

I agree.

Right.

But sometimes I force myself to.

You know what I mean?

I'm trapped into it.

You're going to be happy with yourself in this one day when you see it.

You're very funny in it.

Also,

if it was shown at the premiere, I would have been forced to watch it.

But it's like,

but based on the other sketches on the show, let me say this: okay, I was talking to my date about it, and I go, number one, I've never seen anything like it.

Okay, number two, it's shot like a film.

Number three, it's crazy funny.

So, what I'm saying is that thank you for putting me in it.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's

prestigious.

And I want to say that Congratulations.

Okay.

Thanks, buddy.

Jesus fucking Christ.

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We're not doing that fucking movie anyway.

I was considering it.

No chance.

Andrew Promise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know when he chases.

This is a fun.

I bet you.

I wonder if your guys do this.

Like after the show's done.

You know, we're done.

We're wrapping up.

We're saying goodbye.

And then they'll follow you to your car to ask you one thing, not in front of everybody else.

Yeah.

He's like, Andrew, Andrew?

And he chased me to the parking lot.

I go, what's up, man?

He's like, well, just wondering.

And as he's doing this, I'm getting into my car.

I'm already gone.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, I'm leaving.

You know what I mean?

It's like a kid being like, when will you be back, dad?

I'm like, I'm not coming back, buddy.

Your mom has you now.

And he goes, maybe, do you think you would be in that movie?

Maybe?

What did I say?

I said, yes.

Of course.

I said,

of course I will.

Yeah, but you're not.

This is a movie.

There's no way.

Yeah, there's no way.

Yeah, there's no fucking way, dude.

He went to film school or whatever.

Total fucking bullshit.

We had a real director here two weeks ago.

Yeah, we had David Mammon sitting in the middle of the day.

David Manon.

We're going to work with this fucking guy.

Yeah, yeah.

We are.

We're going to do your movie, and and I can't wait to do it.

I'm excited to do it.

Andrew, I hope you consider the movie that we're...

I don't know, man.

You know what?

I am very excited to even...

We don't have that.

They have to tell me.

No one's told me anything.

No, it's coming this week.

Oh, it is?

I swear to you.

It's coming.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Are you being fucking...

No,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Right?

And I don't like your mischievous smile.

Why?

Okay.

Are you saying to me this?

Yeah.

Tell me.

And I'll be open.

Yes.

And I'll accept it.

Okay.

What you're telling me, Mr.

Segura, is that you're going to offer him a part in your movie.

Okay.

Yes.

Through his agency.

Yes.

Right.

Or my agent's going to call me.

You're going to audition for it.

To be honest, because we're friends.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

We did Indian seances in Canada.

Right.

We've gone through so much together.

Yeah.

Okay.

What are you asking?

Ultimately, what are you asking?

You want to get an offer?

Oh, you want to get an offer of the movie for the because you're getting one.

We don't know that.

He just said it.

We don't know that.

Okay.

Hypothetically, would I get one?

Not hypothetically.

Am I getting one?

I don't know yet.

I.

Why?

Good job at that thought.

It's not like that.

It's not like that.

You don't understand.

There's a lot of.

It's not me going.

Him, yes, him, no.

It's not like that.

Oh,

you don't think I know how movies work?

Well, then why are you yelling?

Look at my IMDb, guy.

Let's check out his IMDb.

Oh, here we go.

Now you're going to fucking shame me, dude.

What's your problem?

You're probably going to get something you never know.

Okay, let's see this IMDB.

No, I'm just kidding.

Sorry.

Look at that.

Stacked.

Shit.

Stacked.

So many.

What else do you need?

God damn.

Look at that right there.

Kicking it old school.

Chili Chill.

I mean, it never ends.

What's your favorite thing that's on there?

Do you have one favorite?

He's got to fix the Mikey.

Bad thoughts.

Oh, stop.

Hello.

Listen, I'm being real.

Let's be real for a second.

I know how the biz works.

Do you?

He's a great actor.

Yeah.

And I understand why you would.

And I'll catch you on the flip side.

On the flip side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll catch you on the flip side.

But it's not like, it's definitely not like.

But, you know,

I'm going to tell you, can I cut this off and change this?

Change the subject.

I want to say something.

Okay, let's get real.

We are a little heartbroken.

We do miss you.

It's a little annoying that everyone left us.

Can we be honest and tell our friends

everybody left us?

We're here alone on this little island.

Yeah.

Also, it's going to die out there.

Oh, he, yeah, he's been, he's been, he's trying to curse it.

Well, he was telling me that in 2020, right?

He's like, you don't feel the fucking wave coming back here right now.

And I go, no.

I did say that, huh?

Oh, you did.

No, you know what?

I think we're jealous.

It's not jealous.

We miss our friends.

I miss you.

It's like when half the community moves.

You know what I mean?

It's like Game of Thrones.

Yeah.

It was so fun, by the way, to be in the store the other night when we ran into each other.

Yeah.

That was such a fun night.

That was a fun night.

It felt like the old days, I felt like.

The old days.

You know what I mean?

I remember when Rogan was there, you, all these guys, you know what I mean?

Seth?

Seth Rogan, yeah, yeah.

And all those guys.

God, you're so quick today.

Thanks, man.

God, you're so good.

Now you turn it up.

Good sleep?

Yeah, did you?

Not really.

I can tell.

Why?

Because your demeanor.

Oh, my demeanor's off.

You're slower today.

You sound slurry.

Really?

It's early for you.

Yeah, it's early for me.

Wait, how this is early?

Very early.

Oh, yeah.

Too early.

What's the normal wake-up time?

I know we've talked about it, but I don't remember.

Yeah.

No.

When I have nothing.

Yeah.

When I have nothing to do,

right?

So when I have nothing to do.

Dude, how funny is that?

How funny is that for you to fucking say that to me in front of my fucking video when I have nothing to do?

We have so much going on.

And it's so funny.

What he's saying is, when Andrew has all the stuff to do and I don't do any of it, I get to fucking sleep till 5.

It's amazing.

That's insane, bro.

He sleeps till 4 p.m.

And then we shoot at 6 or 7 p.m.

usually.

I don't have children.

Neither do I.

We have jobs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, so to get up at four, what time did you go to sleep, though?

Well, last night, for instance, if I may.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

You may.

So

I was playing Oblivion, but watching House of the Dragon at the same time.

Oh, double down.

Yeah, I do was doubling downing.

I love it.

But with Oblivion, I could just wander.

Right.

You don't need to really be.

I pick up mushrooms.

You know what I mean?

You're foraging and stuff.

Well, I'm an alchemist in the game.

So I like making potions and stuff.

You know what I mean?

You're quite the alchemist in the real world as well, Michael.

Yeah, and then taking grand soul gems, tragumative, black soul gems.

You know what I mean?

Why are you, but you are slurring.

Is that from a thing?

I haven't slept good last night.

Okay.

It's not like a neurological condition or something.

Are you being fucking real right now?

You think I'm slurring?

Well, you said I put mushrooms.

Yeah, you did slur.

Okay.

He is right.

Or I'll be more clear then.

Okay, okay.

All right.

So what I'm going to say, just make it dumb.

Let me finish.

Let me finish.

Okay.

So then

the birds tweet.

Tweet.

Chirp.

Chirp.

Very good.

Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp.

Right?

Sounds like I'm teaching you English.

Yeah, you're right.

I literally had one hour of sleep last night.

I know.

Wait a minute.

Yeah.

So

what?

Wait, you're playing the game, the movie's on.

TV show.

TV show.

And then what?

TV show.

It's 5, 6 a.m.

later?

5, 6 a.m.

Okay.

And then I go

bath time.

He takes a bath.

He loves morning baths.

so I have buckets in the bathtub and also my tree tea oil tea tree whatever we're gonna figure it all out yeah yeah okay tea tree tea tree oil yeah yeah so I had one hour of sleep so I'm like really tired did you go on a date were you going to date last night though did you no no date don't lie swear to god wait so the bath is over around 7 8 a.m

then do you get it's called a Korean ritual okay okay do you get body scrubbed too you got scrubbed so I have two scrubbers.

One for my feet and the one for my whole body.

What are the buckets for in the tub?

Because when you do

that, right?

Then I take the bucket, fill it with warm water, and I pour it over my back.

Oh, wow.

You're super Korean.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And I lay there, listen to music, and then by the time, then it's 10.

And it's 10.

Yeah, then it's, now it's 10, man.

Now it's 11, right?

That's when I'm on the call with Ireland.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's exactly.

And then what happens is I hear my dogs in the backyard because my bedroom, you know, have a pool and a really nice backyard.

Yeah, I mean, you don't have to flex that hard.

He does, too.

Oh.

Ozan Bick.

I took a shot yesterday.

Yeah, we know.

And now I'm like, oh my God, the dogs are running around.

I'm fucked.

Right.

They're hungry.

They have to eat and piss and shit.

So then I double-check my fucking phone to see if the alarm is on.

Mm-hmm.

It was.

It was on, yeah.

Yeah.

And then I went to sleep.

Okay.

So, what's up?

What's up, bro?

You got a problem with that, Brad?

So, that's about 11:30 or so.

So, that's a normal day.

You're not a weird guy.

But normally, like, for instance, the Karate Ghost week.

Yeah.

Well, you're filming is a different thing.

So, if I have a 5 a.m.

call time, I'm there.

Yeah.

I was going to say, how do you, how hard is it for you to pivot when you're working in a production and you I don't sleep.

You just don't.

I just show up like fucking no sleep.

So you show up and then but then if I have two days in a row, then that night I'll sleep at seven.

Right.

You'll just pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he knows the lines.

Yeah, he's a pro.

I do.

I know my lines.

He'll show up knowing the lines.

That is a fact.

Yeah.

He does show up knowing the lines and he shows up on time.

You know what I'm getting better at, though?

Memorizing lines when I'm there.

It's giving you more incentive to not memorize lines.

No, no, no, I'm just saying.

I still memorize them, but there was one day where I was like, I was so tired, I'll just do it in the morning.

Right.

Right?

And it was a lot of pages.

Oh, shit.

And I could just do it quickly.

What?

What?

You're really solidifying your offer from the new movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, that's just, I just get panicked if you're like, well, you're the lead.

You're number one on the call sheet.

For that, yeah.

Yeah, so you have a lot of lines.

That's true.

And that horror movie you did really good.

Yeah.

I think the best number.

What was that movie called?

What the one that I had a role in?

Yeah, you were like the DHS clerk.

Oh, Countdown.

Countdown.

Yeah, yeah.

Bring it up.

I want to see a photo.

I love that movie.

Yeah.

When I saw Sigurd, because I watched every horror.

He's type in his name with the Countdown.

Actually,

the scene for me is...

There he is.

No, but the scene is

the scene with the

next to it.

Yeah, that's that goes like, that's like even like hood clips when we'll replay it because people love a customer service guy being like, hey, fuck off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love, I love, honestly, I love your

scenes in that movie.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

But, yeah.

That is on hood clips.

100%.

A thousand percent.

That's WorldStar's favorite shit.

They're like, hey, and then people comment like, well, she deserves it.

She was talking shit.

Yeah, bitch deserved that shit.

Get up on my motherfucking man's face.

Yeah, man.

Yeah.

Too much?

You get it?

I know, but we're doing it in context.

You know what I mean?

Oh.

What?

No, that's good.

All right, okay.

You know my favorite thing to watch?

By the way, it's graduation season, and black graduation is the greatest thing in the world.

Have you watched black high school graduation?

They both are losing their minds.

I love the most fun I've ever seen.

Yeah, I love where it was like all women just

fucking absolutely going fucking off.

Chaos.

Give me videos.

Go to YouTube.

Go to YouTube and just do black graduation celebration.

Oh, it's yeah, it's wild.

And then sometimes it goes from these incredible like dance, you know, like celebratory things to just an all-out riot.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's a fist fight.

Yeah, it's a fist fight.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Amazing.

You know what they call that?

Huh?

Joy.

Yeah, joy and happiness.

You went to college, Tom?

Look at this.

Look.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bounce, bounce.

Hey, hey.

That's so good.

Bro, I fucking love this shit.

That's so cool.

I fucking love this so much.

Damn.

Oh, my God.

It's so good.

That's so good.

This is it.

My grandma.

All right, that's it.

Anyway, and then a white person has to ruin it with salt.

Take some turmeric.

That kid's moves were so fucking so good.

But I'm saying, though,

how has this not been, how is this now, is this like new to us?

I know.

Well, you guys are white people are stiff

and they don't know joy.

Hmm.

You don't think white people know joy?

Right.

At a level.

You think Asian graduations are buck like that?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

What do you you mean?

You think an Asian graduation celebration would be fucking wild?

Asian graduation.

Okay, look up.

Okay, look up the.

Oh, hold on.

Carlos, Carlos, look at me.

They go directly.

Carlos, look at me.

Look up the graduation where people can wear whatever they want in Japan.

Go ahead.

I'm going to prove you wrong.

For once in my life.

What is it?

Hello kitty shit all over the fucking place?

No, just listen.

Yeah, it's disgusting.

So people can.

At Kyoto University, graduation isn't just about formal ropes, it's a celebration of individuality instead of sticking to the usual capsule that's joy dude

japanese university timeout have the bazaar yeah yeah yeah you guys are so repressed

as a culture that you're like you have to dress up like weird fantasy creatures yeah in order to like feel something no it's expression no because they're not allowed to express any other time of day they have to be head down on the train quiet okay is this a look at combat and they also wear masks that you can't even actually express yourself in right just

mascot helmets.

Yeah, but with the head helmet on and off, it's the same thing.

Their faces are the same.

This is repression.

Yeah, yeah.

This is heavy repression.

Is this oppression?

What is that?

It's a ninja.

Oh, my God, dude.

That's expression.

What's your little sarcasm?

Bomb?

That's expression.

Oh, that's

Nagasaki?

Was it a joke?

Was that like Hiroshima?

Oh, that was more Hiroshima.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was definitely Hiroshima.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cloud was big.

Don't try to play like you're...

Asians are stiff as fucking whites.

Black people celebration is individual to them.

You don't get to fucking

get to be on that top offense.

Well, you, for once, because you've been

the duo

against Papa.

That's bullshit.

So what I'm saying is this for once,

is that a form of expression?

Is that a form of expression?

Yes.

Yeah, I mean, it's

very repressed expression, but yes, it is an expression.

This does not happen at Korean graduates.

This is just Japan.

You don't get to do that.

Okay, we're just talking about

the Japanese kids' smiles at graduation.

Yeah.

It's just

hey, hey,

no, all right.

Don't smile.

Now, give me a wild white fucking graduation celebration.

Shooting guns at each other.

Yeah.

She's like, hey, I'm going to wear my blue.

Yeah.

No, my case was black people celebrate like no one else.

You can't lump Asians into there.

Yeah.

I'm just,

you guys don't do it like we're in the mid.

Blacks are tens or fives.

You're zero.

You're above whites.

Okay, good.

Yes.

That's all I want to say.

But you're not near them.

Are they?

Yeah, they're above whites.

For their celebrating?

I would say for their

oddity, their culture of oddity.

They're weirdos.

Oh, right.

Yeah, they're weirdos.

Yeah.

You bit the fucking king of the weirdos right here.

Yeah.

You know, I just got it.

It's your American lens.

You're fucking American.

Okay, so what I'm saying to you.

You're from San Diego.

That's about the whitest place on planet Earth.

You have to wear a new pair of glasses.

I got LASIC.

No, no, I'm just saying.

You have to look at life with a different lens.

Go on.

A different perspective.

Well, teach me.

What I'm saying is that, you know what I mean, culturally, you know what I mean?

We're Americans, right?

I dabble in Asian, though.

I dabble in Asian as well.

Do you dabble in Asian?

No, yeah,

you know, when I, you know, the way I walk and the way I behave, maybe it's a cultural thing that I'm from Asia.

It's a Bobby Lee thing.

And you perceive it as to be, you know what I mean, weird.

You're one of one.

When I'm just one of a billion.

Nobody's like you.

No, I don't think so.

No, nobody's like you.

I haven't met other Asians.

None of them are men.

None of them are like you.

Jimmy O-Yang, nothing like you.

Well, I was molested

and beat by my dad.

Well, that's white.

That's white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, you are like us.

That's our thing.

And you need to go back to etiquette school, for being honest.

Yeah, you do.

Really?

I think you should probably do a little course.

Where are you going to go now?

No, I'm just going to tell you.

I'm not going to attack you.

I'm going to walk into a dinner.

Oh, he's walking into a dinner.

Anyone order Chinese?

Hey, buddy.

Hello, sir.

How are you doing?

Excuse me.

Wow.

What do you think?

It looked good.

Thank you.

It was really respectful.

Yeah.

Very.

And like your Thanksgiving thing.

My Thanksgiving dinner with my parents.

Yeah.

What a lovely time.

So he was super polite there.

Dude, it was so fucking annoying.

My mom literally goes, it was so good that everyone came over.

I was like, no, it was nice.

And she was like, and Bobby, oh, so, you know, he's so sweet.

And I was like, you have no fucking idea, dude.

It was such an act.

It was such a fucking act.

He had that glimmer in his eye.

Like when he said goodbye, he turned to me.

He was like, okay, bye.

And then you're me.

He turned and went like this.

You're a kid.

Fucking devil.

Yeah, dude.

What about my prayer?

Oh, dude, he said.

Dude, I did, Tom, I did a Thanksgiving prayer at the table.

Oh, my God.

How great was that?

It was, you know,

it was him.

Are you still married to that lady?

Yeah.

He's the best.

Yeah.

I saw her in that.

you gotta get out of that dude dude you gotta get out of that dude no she's still there kids aside but you've won the lottery in a way in a way yeah you have a fucking rad wife she is awesome not but just not just that it's like if i was dating a comic or you know or married to one

it's rare to find a super funny one and ones that last i know this is cornball but honestly i'm always it is funny you you two the only other comic couples that's married and obviously you've been married much longer Moshe Natasha,

and

oh, you're talking about comics.

Comics that are married.

Yeah.

Mark Norman and his girl.

Mark Norman and his wife.

Yeah, that's right.

Comics.

But that's also new.

They've been married for way longer.

Andy and

Rose Butt Baker.

Comics.

New.

Newer.

Newer.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, there's the other

fun gabe.

Fuck, this is too many more people than I thought.

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't it Hannah?

Hannah Berner.

Oh, Hannah Burner and her husband.

Yeah, yeah.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.

Yeah, both good stand-ups.

Yeah, yeah.

What are these lists?

Persons.

AI things.

Yeah, it's wrong.

But the proof is.

The point is, it's incredible that you two have stayed together

this long, being both comedians and both reserving your career, and no one had to stop.

But all those examples is that they all are both funny.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I've never seen a really great comic

marry an open microwave.

You know what I mean?

That wouldn't work.

I don't think it would work.

Bye, friends.

You might.

Okay.

Anyway,

you might have a harem.

So it does, yeah.

But you guys are together.

And that's great.

What does celebrate that?

Christina's great.

She's awesome.

We fucking

love her.

And she's a good actress.

Yeah, she was great in Baltimore.

Good actress.

Yeah, yeah.

Great Great mom.

Great fucking, yeah, she's the best, man.

But honestly, be real with us.

Yeah.

You don't miss us at all?

I miss you guys crazy.

Do you really?

I'll tell you this, too.

This is also totally sincere.

Man, this show is so fucking funny.

This fucking dumb show?

This dumb show.

This is

one of the only things that, like, you know, we all are scrolling all the time.

I watch every clip.

Ah, Tommy.

Come on.

No.

You know what?

I would share the same sentiment, but I can't watch Bort.

No.

I'll watch you.

I can't watch Bort.

Yeah, yeah.

We don't even see fucking Burt Burt anymore.

I'm joking around Burt.

Oh, yeah, Burton.

I can't even see Burt anymore.

Because of his appearance?

Yeah.

I can't be near him.

No, we never see him fucking anymore.

He's the only guy that stayed in L.A.

And how often do you see Burt for real?

Not much.

I went over to his house.

We had a little get-together.

You came.

But then outside of that, he's never here.

But do you really miss out?

You miss your friends?

I do a lot.

Come.

We do a lot, actually.

It kind of sucks.

Remember, I did a little dance when you were sitting back there?

Yeah.

So he's in the or sitting in the the back bucket booths i didn't hear a word you just said yeah he's in the back boot like the little chairs in the back buckets yeah yeah yeah what did what didn't you understand it was a it was a rough sentence

it was rough

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Yeah.

Crank it up, man.

Let's go.

All right.

So anyway,

I was sitting in the bed.

Yeah, and I walked in and I did a little dance in front of you.

You did.

You did.

Because I was so happy to see you.

Yeah, it really was, it was fun memories, man.

Being there was super fun.

The store is not the same, but it's okay.

Things change.

They come and they go.

Are you going up at the mothership a lot or no?

Well, I've been on tour so much that I'm not one of those people when you get off of

a week of grinding.

You get home.

You're like, I got to get back on stage right away.

I don't do that.

Bobby.

Yeah.

You're that.

You'll always just get up.

You'll just go, go, go.

You'll just do it again.

That's good.

That's good.

I still go.

I went two weeks ago.

Yeah.

So it's just like depends on the time.

But, you know, this summer I'm not going to tour.

So, if I what's on the what's on the what's on the docket for the summer, I'm gonna vacate a little vacay, and uh, and then we shoot something.

Can we guess what the vacation is whether he's gonna vacation?

Let's guess.

Oh, Bora Bora,

no, I don't know where that is, something more elevated.

That's in Tahiti, that is, okay, elevated.

Well, I'm gonna say this about him:

we did a show in Vegas, we went to that Jose Anders, what's her name, Jose Andres Andres,

fucking hometown guy, yeah.

And I go, I thought to myself, oh, this is how he eats.

What do you mean, this is how he eats?

High level.

Huh?

High level.

High level food?

High level everything.

How much did he order?

I don't remember.

You ordered for everybody.

Yeah, we had a feast.

It was a feast.

It was the greatest steak I've ever had.

Ever.

I think so because it was the way.

It was incredible.

Because they gave us a plaque.

You know, sometimes when you get like Japanese wagyu,

he just says it on the menu.

This dude came up with an authentic, like a stamp

from some Asian dude.

He stamped the wagyu.

No, it's from the Asian dude.

It's a gold, like, you know, like

thrones where you would, like, you know what I mean?

Put like, you know, wax to hold it together or whatever.

And it was like signed by some Japanese dude.

You know what I remember about this dinner, too?

It was a big dinner.

It was probably like 15 of us or something.

Oh, right.

And we had a security guy like assigned to us for this weekend yeah and uh he was like he came over to me i thought he was going to tell me like something related he goes uh uh is it cool if my uncle comes by

what he goes he goes yeah just to like uh you know meet you and i go are you working right now and he was like

what'd you say i said of course yeah and then and then um you know we're having dinner and then the security guy and then there's just some guy just unknown yeah and then unc showed up he goes

come over here.

Oh, you want to get up from eating?

I got up from the table, and I was like, what's up, man?

He goes, hey.

I go, hey.

And he goes, yeah, I live here.

I go, cool.

I'm having dinner.

Wow.

Wow.

Did he sit down with us?

No, he did not sit down.

Okay, good.

But he'd been funny as shit if he sat down.

Oh, my God.

Can I get a plate?

You're like, I guess, dude.

He showed me photos of some shit he's working on.

This is at the restaurant, like during the restaurant.

I love this guy.

I like when people are bold like that.

I fucking think that's funny as shit.

Do you think so?

I think it's funny.

It would bother me.

It was very funny.

I think it would bother you.

I'd laugh about it, but we'd talk shit about it.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, yeah, you talk, but it's also hilarious.

Yes.

What circumstance would you not take a photo with somebody?

Dude, I've.

Funeral, obviously.

Funeral, you know.

No, that's my best.

I look my best.

I'm wearing a suit.

Wearing a fucking suit.

I'll take a photo.

I don't have that thing, dude.

Like, I've been around friends of ours who I'm like, oh, my God, when they go, when they're like, no, not now, like, all that shit.

I've never done that.

Never.

I haven't either.

i mean the only time i've done it for other people if that makes sense i you know like one time i was at a dinner with rogan and i see a guy like there's like a plant in the restaurant and he's like

and i go hey man what are you doing and he's just like uh i go where he's having dinner like so i did it for him right i i would never do it for for me i can come up with some scenarios where you wouldn't do it well okay if my kids when you're skydiving i was just gonna say if you're with your family

if you're skydiving you won't do it spongy jumping skydiving if you're in like a war like you know what i mean like you're a russian and then you're fighting ukraine that'll get and the russian guy goes photo yeah yeah hey can they get the photo not right now no honestly only only i think i told a story on here i was sitting down we just got off a long flight my wife and i are sitting down to have dinner and this guy like barges up to the table and doesn't even acknowledge my wife, like stares right at me, like basically bumps into her way.

He's like, yo, dude, I'm a fucking huge friend.

Let me get a photo.

And that line of questioning also let me get a photo.

Like, what, dude?

Fuck.

I was like, dude, I go, brother, I'm at dinner with my wife.

You need to fucking chill the fuck out.

Like, you were being a little too.

And he went and sat down.

And then the server comes over with a bucket of ice and a bottle of champagne.

And I was like, no, no, no, we didn't, we're not drinking.

We're not ordering any booze.

And she's like, no, no, this is from a gentleman in the restaurant.

I was like, oh, fuck.

I don't, we hate champagne.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, we don't, I don't like champagne.

I don't like champagne.

I fucking hate it.

And I was, and she's, she's like, it's one of this bottle.

You know, and the guy's like, oh, it's a really nice bottle.

I was like, okay, don't open it.

And they're like, don't open it.

I was like, just put it in the thing.

And I go, who's the guy?

And then they lead me around the side.

It's the guy.

It's the same guy.

And I walked it up to him and I go, hey, man.

And then he goes, dude, I just wanted to apologize.

I'm so sorry.

I took care of your meal.

That was so fucking rude.

Oh, that's really rude.

And I was like, buddy, you're the man.

I go, I don't drink champagne here.

Have it to take it.

He had like three girls with him.

I was like, do your thing.

Thank you.

And And then I said, let's take a photo.

But that turned out the right way.

Sure.

But it was a cool move on him.

He was like, I took, I paid for your meal.

I was like, oh, that's fucking.

But at the beginning, I was very like, dude, get the fuck out of here.

Are you, do you shut people down?

Never, but there's some annoying circumstances.

If somebody did that, if you're at dinner with a girl and somebody barked and like ignored them, you'd be mad.

You'd be like, dude, that's fucking crazy rude.

I had a guy come up to me and from behind, and I feel arms wrapped around me me on the side like this he's come on man like that without even asking yeah you know i mean he just snuck in and like let's you know what i mean i was like what are you doing yeah that's weird yeah i'll always take a photo but if it's i'm with if i'm with my wife at dinner i'm like dude i'm fucking dinner man that's but also the kind of person that just is chill about is like thinks that that's chill you're like are you okay yeah i'm at dinner we're eating food that's the worst time to approach someone hands down yeah well just any other time shitting also

i actually would i

did have one time at a uh at a urinal the guy next to me goes like no

and i go hey and he goes nice to meet you and he sticks his hand up and i go oh wait

yeah that's so crazy done yeah yeah

where would you not take a photo you me specifically yeah you like it's a funeral um i wouldn't do it if i was like um

AA meeting.

Can't do it.

You can't.

AA meeting's.

Did you get asked to get take pictures at A?

Bro, one time I was was at an A meeting, and

it was a big one.

It was in Louisville, Kentucky.

Those are big.

Yeah.

I know.

It was a speaker meeting.

Fuck ground zero.

Right, right.

That's where bourbon is made.

Yeah, yeah.

You're talking about two, three hundred people there, right?

Damn.

Shit.

And so in A meetings, they always go,

is there any from out of town?

Right.

But that was my mistake.

Would you please introduce yourself?

I go, hi, I'm Bobby.

I'm from Los Angeles.

I've been sober for whatever the time it was,

12 years, whatever.

And I sat back down.

Then, after the meeting, there was a line

to take a photo with me.

And I just went, I can't do this.

Yeah.

I just, it's just, it's so, because it's an invasion of your privacy.

Not only that, it's like, you know, I go to regular meetings.

You know what I mean?

Sometimes I go to celebrity ones, but like, you know.

He does.

He loves celebrity meetings.

Yeah.

Who's going to be there?

No.

Who else else is getting close i want to ask you a question and obviously i'm not asking you to reveal actual details but in a broader sense have you ever been to a celebrity meeting where a celebrity reveals

something

and it's just like your dopamine rush is just like oh yeah oh man i've heard some crazy shits from gigantic babies really

i go to this meeting um I'm going to tell you what night.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's an all-men's meeting.

On Tuesday.

What?

Thursday.

No, it's not Thursday.

No, it's Tuesday.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's, it's invite-only, and it's all legendary rock stars.

Okay.

And I got in it

way back in the day when I was on Mad TV.

When I got sober with that.

You have to get recommended.

It's like Raya.

Somebody has to recommend you.

No, somebody has to go up to the guy and go, can this guy come?

Right.

You know what I mean?

Right.

And I've been turned down by celebrity meeting.

Do you know that?

No.

I swear to God.

What do they check your star meter?

Why the fuck?

No, no.

When I first got sober this time, were we?

we?

Yeah, when you were kicking the habit, 2022.

Yeah, kicking the habit.

My therapist goes, you should contact this person because he has a really good meaning.

So I called this guy.

And I go, Can I?

I just got sober again.

Can I go to your meeting?

He goes, you're not big enough.

No.

Yeah.

He said that for real.

But honestly, it hurt me.

I do know who the guy was.

Yeah.

I wasn't big enough.

You're not big enough.

I'm not big enough.

He hasn't seen bad thoughts.

Maybe you call him again.

That's also true.

Yeah.

But I went to this

Monday night, and it's like,

it's so intimidating to see the meeting.

Yeah, because I've pride in that meeting.

Is the person, the person who said, that's good.

I have.

Is the person who said you're not big enough a huge name, though?

Yeah.

Oh, they are too.

Yeah.

And they were like, sorry, man.

Yeah.

It's just, you can't do it.

Maybe do a

Marvel Facebook.

I should get sober just to see if I could get into better.

I would relapse then.

I would fucking love that.

If you call me and go, hey, he let me in the meeting, I would be like,

how funny would that be if if I got into more important meetings?

Dude, you got to do it.

I'm going to do it, dude.

I'm going to do it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's weird, but I like to go to the regular ones, like the plumbers and all that stuff, because it's like, I want to feel normal.

Yeah, but also, like, you're also the

way.

That's how, no.

What I'm saying, let me rephrase.

Don't you want to be the big shot at the meeting?

No, no, no.

He does.

He does.

Cut all that out.

Shut up.

Cut that out.

Stop it.

They're all like, we're just regular guys.

And you're like, me too.

no because the with alcoholism right is like you want to have commonality with people yeah and a connection right and i want to bond people through alcoholism and do you share a lot are you a share i do you do yeah and um dude

he loves to share yeah he gets up there in fact i he kills you know what i don't like when it's like

So there's two types of, there's three types of meetings.

Okay.

Okay.

Speaker meeting, right?

And then there's like a circle where everyone shares, but the worst kind, and I went to one Tuesday like this, where it was like,

anyone can share it, but you have to raise your hand.

Right.

So I can't,

me, me, I can't do it.

No.

Right.

And so when somebody doesn't raise their hand, they'll pick somebody.

So sometimes I'll go, pick me, pick me, pick me.

You know what I mean?

But I can't raise my hand.

Because you feel like it's too desperate?

Yeah, I just want to, yeah, because it's like, you know, and I'm always.

Because you're an attention whore.

No, we're not.

No, we all, we're stand-ups.

Okay, I am.

I am.

Yeah.

We are.

You are.

Yeah, I am.

You're an attention.

Look at how you just reacted to that.

You're an attention whore.

Yeah.

And those things are, I mean, that's.

So you'll speak, but not if you have to raise your hand.

So in what circumstance do you speak?

So some meetings are like.

He wants them.

He doesn't want to, he doesn't want to be like pick me.

Yes.

Some meetings are like this where the secretary, this is, we point to you.

You don't raise your hand.

Those are the ones I like.

You like that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can you share something with us that you've shared at one of those?

Really?

Sure.

Because if I say it,

it's going to

cringe.

No, we won't.

I promise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're your friends.

Well, like, example, you know what I mean?

You know, I'll say something like, you know, Socrates once said,

a life not self-examined is not a life worth living.

You know what I mean?

And so what I love about AA is like, like it's internal.

You know what I mean?

And it's like, it's about looking in the mirror and looking inside yourself.

And so, you know, I do the steps, you know, I think it's very important.

You know, the weight lifted from eight and nine, you know what I mean?

It was absolutely incredible.

You know what I mean?

And I think it's very important.

It's that kind of thing.

Thank you, Robert.

That, like that.

And then everybody.

Well, no, but sometimes they'll have a music.

They'll play you off.

They'll play you off, like the Emmys.

That's incredible.

Like they know when they say you're done.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

You're like talking about, yeah, I was molested.

Who let the dogs out?

Really cool.

Yeah.

And you're like, okay, I'm done.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's pretty incredible that you give them that shtick.

I have so many different shticks I can use.

You know what I mean?

When are you actually being real?

When there's a hot girl there.

No, dude.

How many times have you scooped one up?

A million.

No.

It's going to be so one.

One.

Throughout my whole life, Sarah.

Oh, Sarah, that's right.

Yeah, I shouldn't blow her animity, but yeah, that was the only one.

I don't go there to hook up.

It's against the code?

They call it the 13th step.

What is that?

It's these, it's so gross.

It's like these old-timers, people with men and women, they see a newcomer and they go in.

That's the 13th step.

Yeah,

it's not in the steps, but it's like.

Oh, I know.

It's a hypothetical.

You're taking advantage of people's vulnerability and desperation

because you don't get sober unless you lost a lot.

You know what I mean?

No.

No, if you lost a lot, you get.

Did I say that wrong?

I have no idea.

You have to be a very low point in your life.

You're the worst.

You know what I mean?

People that are newcomers have lost a lot.

Right.

You know what I mean?

And they've, you know.

Well, it's a great place to be a predator, is what you're saying, right?

What I'm saying is that

some people, not probably 1%,

right,

they'll go in and not predator, but they'll like, you know, hey, let me take you after the meeting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take it to lunch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me pick you up for meetings when their intention is, this girl's hot.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's unfathomable, and I think it's fucking wrong.

Wow, you're a really good person.

It's just that.

It's just, here's the thing.

And let's be real for a second, okay?

The whole point of it is to get out of yourself.

Right.

So, you know, when there's a newcomer, like like, if I'm sitting there in a meeting and a newcomer goes, I'm a newcomer, I'll always reach my hand out and go, hey, man, welcome.

You know, if you need anything, let me know.

That's nice.

I think you're being a jerk.

I said, that's nice.

Yeah, when you do this, though.

Well,

I'm listening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, let's move on from now.

No, I said that's nice.

I was being nice.

I was being jerked.

What, Tom?

You'll also welcome like an attractive woman, right?

You'll welcome them.

If you need anything.

Yeah.

No, you know, I know.

But anyway, you inspired me.

You've you've inspired all of us, Tom.

Yeah, and the biggest bummer of all is

we don't get to see you more.

I know, dude.

But the only way we can see you is by watching Netflix, Bad Thoughts, available right now on Netflix, streaming.

Name some of the other people that are in this fucking show.

So, Shea Wiggum's in it, boom, who's also in the new Mission Impossible?

Phenomenal time for us, dude.

Uh, Dan Stevens.

When I saw him, can he finish?

Uh, Dan Stevens, Dan Stevens, incredible actor, yes, true.

Um, Daniela Pineda, phenomenal, She's phenomenal.

Who else?

Roberto Lee?

Bobby Lee.

Roberto Ree.

Roberto Lee.

Oh, my God.

Rob Eiler, Kirk Fox.

Kirk Fox.

Kirk Dog.

He's fantastic in it.

Marlin Barr.

Christina Pozzickski.

Think of how much.

Alan Rachel.

Yeah.

Rachel Bloom.

Rachel Bloom.

Who's in it with the scene?

Alan Barnholtz.

That's right.

Ike Stadt.

Ike Stats.

Yeah, yeah.

I did a scene with him.

I love Alan.

Joseph Rogan.

Yep.

None other than Joseph Rogan.

What did Joe do in it?

He plays a gay, like a regular gay.

Very funny.

That's so great.

And Sickler, sick dog.

Oh, yeah, Sickle Cell.

The boy.

Sickle cells in it.

Yeah.

Wow.

Did you ever try to convince him to move down to Austin, Sickle?

We've talked about it.

You know, everybody at some point has talked about it.

And then even now, people go, like, I got to get out of this city.

They'll say it now.

I guess maybe post fires and shit, people start talking about it more.

But yeah, I don't know.

We should get a place down there.

No.

It'll be fun.

why?

I still love it here, though.

I have to say that.

I do love it.

You love LA.

I love LA.

I love your house.

The one that burned down?

Yeah, I mean, before, I mean, burned down after you left, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You went to that house?

Yeah.

His entire family was in that house when it burned.

Really?

Extremely expensive.

Can we talk about it?

I tried to bring it up the last episode, but then we made a joke out of it.

But I'm being real.

Okay.

Be real.

Have you heard of King Charles?

Not the dog.

It's a dog, right?

Remember last time I was trying to i'm just gonna push this on us because i i want you to your

so can i tell you who my opinion yeah my guess is that the girl you're dating has a king charles no it's not about king charles the dog it's a dog dog named god that's an adorable dog no

king charles the um the uh alpha alpha dog what is this that guy what about him oh yeah this video is great yeah it's so great so what See that I'm just I'm just trying to ingest.

So basically in China.

You haven't seen this video?

Zodiac's.

I have never seen seen it.

Yeah, yeah.

Right in China, there's like a dog video ends then.

No, it's not like that.

It's a sanctuary.

So there's a dog sanctuary, right?

And there's hundreds of dogs there, right?

I'm boring you?

No, it just, I mean, so many jokes are run into.

It's unbelievable.

I mean, you're like, literally, I'm like loading a gun.

I know.

You're like, in China, there's a hundred dogs

kept as a sanctuary.

I'm like, this is a buffet.

But go ahead.

All right.

So what I'm saying is, is that, but there's one dog, his name is King Charles, and he's the alpha dog, but he's not the biggest.

Right.

He's super small.

Right.

And the way the dogs behave in front of him.

So this video in itself is, King Charles is not in it, right?

A bunch of dogs are fighting.

Right.

Right.

King Charles, but it's in the subtle details.

Yes.

So slowly, right?

Exactly.

So I play again.

See, the dogs are going crazy.

They're all fighting.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

They're all fighting, right?

Yelling at each other.

Here comes King Charles.

That one.

See the push pause?

That's

rewinded a little bit.

One dog bowed to him.

Exactly.

So the dog to his left bows.

The other one gets up and leaves.

That's the most Chinese shit I've ever seen.

They bowed.

They taught that dog how to bow.

It's fucking.

It's amazing.

This brown dog leaves.

Why go?

Yeah, the brown dog's like, I'm out of here.

Look at that.

The rest of them.

Whoa.

The other one goes into the gate.

It's like, I'm out.

I'm out.

He's slowly.

Everyone leaves.

Everyone leaves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I've been obsessed with this guy.

This is how you see yourself.

Smaller, but commanding.

Oh, wow.

Is that a real observation you think, though?

Is that relevant to you?

That you feel like this?

This is the dog you identify with?

You're like, I'm not as big as the other dogs, but I should be respected the way that they respect.

Let me tell you the dog that he is in this video.

Start the video over.

Okay.

I'll tell you who Bobby is.

Okay.

Okay, all these dogs are fighting.

Pause.

You see the dog sleeping?

Yes.

That is fucking you.

That is fucking you.

And that dog gets up and goes to the bottom.

Look at this.

Oh, fuck this.

Fuck this.

That's me, dude?

100%.

That's you.

That's literally you.

There's no argument about it.

Look at that.

Watch him fuck off.

Look at that.

Fuck off.

He's gone.

Yeah.

Or that's you, buddy.

Well, who?

That's you on the ground.

That's me after you didn't.

bail on the interview.

I'm the King Charles, and you bailed on another fucking gig.

Okay.

And then look at this.

And you try to make excuses, and I put my foot on your throat.

But it does give you a life.

It gives me a perspective of like, you know what I mean?

Sizes and everything.

Yeah.

Nice.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And

the other day I was at the improv.

There was a gigantic door guy.

He's like 6'3.

He's standing out front.

And I walked up to him.

And like his breasts,

you know what I mean?

My head is at his breasts.

Yeah.

I just walked up to him and kissed his breast

and walked away.

Just King Charles shit, dude.

How did he react?

Didn't like it at all.

He's that bottom dog.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

You kiss that man's tit?

Just like that.

What did he say?

He laughed.

Yeah.

Of course.

When Bobby Lee kisses you in the breast, dude.

It's funny.

It's funny, dude.

It is fucking funny.

I don't know how you get away with that.

What do you mean?

I don't know how you do that.

Imagine if Tommy and I kiss somebody's tit.

You wouldn't go ahead and

weird that you're talking about?

Yeah, dude.

If we're going to go full circle, that's what we were talking about at the beginning.

Most guys don't kiss other guys' tits.

The only thing you should leave with here today is just knowing how not normal you are.

Dude.

But in a good way.

In a good way.

It's so endearing.

I want you to impart some words of wisdom for our good friend Tom Segura before he leaves because you are an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-being individual.

And people come here looking for advice about the world and life and comedy and career.

I see, I see.

Okay, so, oh, I see, I see, I see.

Okay,

hold on.

Let him get in his too.

Okay, I'll make up a proverb, please.

Well, don't say make it up, just pretend like it's a, you know what I mean?

No, but that's how special I am.

You don't need to say it then.

Okay, but you're right.

I apologize.

A man

who says

that a word that sounds like a proverb in me.

Yeah, yeah.

Hiri, herei.

A man who promises gold to a fellow man

and

negates on that gold is a man who should be boiled in water.

America wa oiki

oiki deska.

Whoa.

I could

Do you really know the language?

Yes, he's speaking Japanese.

Holy fuck, dude.

Forget what I said then.

Forget what I said.

Ladies and gentlemen, do yourself a big favor on behalf of the Bad Friends family.

Please go watch Bad Thoughts right now on Netflix.

Please do.

Our best buddy, Tom Seguro, we miss and love, and we know he's doing right by us down there.

I'll tell you why you should watch it because you're in it.

Yes, and also, I won a second season so we can continue my story.

Oh, interesting that you think you'd go back.

I know, probably not.

It's on him, not on you.

I know.

Okay, everything's on him.

I'd love to have him.

I'm not going to do it.

Can you look in the camera and say thank you for being a bad friend?

Say thank you for being a bad friend in Japanese.

That was so