We Are Suing Tom Segura

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What are you doing with the drink? Give it to the king.

Speaker 1 Give the king his drink. Give him a drink, dude.
Give the king. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get him a side table to put that on. Also, hey, hey, before you do that.

Speaker 1 Before you do that, clear off that table. Bow! Bow to Tom! Take it all off! Bow to Tom! Bow to him! Bow to Tom first.
Bow to him. Say, my liege.
I am so proud of you. My liege.

Speaker 1 Say, I am so proud to have met you in person, my liege. I am so proud to have met you in person.
And this is from my homeland, Saki-saki. Saki-saki? Sakis-saki.
Okay, now go.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let him put drinks on your back until Carlos can clear off the table.
Yeah, yeah. Use him as a table.
Yeah, yeah, he uses him as a table.

Speaker 1 Yeah, good boy.

Speaker 2 I don't hear anything now.

Speaker 1 God damn it. Damn it, man.
I think he might have. Oh, there we go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just had to.

Speaker 1 Did you do that with me?

Speaker 2 We could bring it down a little.

Speaker 1 Okay. looked all the way.

Speaker 1 It's pretty high. That's all.
You can bring it down a little bit. Sorry, sir.
Thank you. I was like, I got you a death.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? Wow. Whoa.

Speaker 1 What? What? I just got it. I'm done.
You're trying to insult our guest.

Speaker 2 Fancy Spaniard.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Number one.

Speaker 1 We're family. Yeah.
That's number one. Number two, he's the king.
I know. I'm not a fan of the kids.
Number two. Number three.

Speaker 1 Right? Number three? Andrew's what? Kind of death. Watch your tone, bud.
Bro. You want to get shit back?

Speaker 1 You want ice?

Speaker 1 You want me to send ice? I have a passport now. What? I'll bring fire, dude.

Speaker 1 How long?

Speaker 1 It is funny. He has a sound.

Speaker 2 That sounds like he just got. Did you just get the passport?

Speaker 1 Two years ago. Oh, okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 It sounded like it sounded like it arrived last week.

Speaker 1 No, I have a passport now.

Speaker 1 No, he did. He took a citizenship test, and he's an American citizen.
We're proud of him.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Way to go, man.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 I'm not. Dude,

Speaker 1 let's introduce our guest. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest today is one of the most powerful, poignant.
It's too much. It's a lot.

Speaker 1 It's Tom Segura. You know, take out poignant.
Poignant? And powerful. He is powerful and poignant.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And he has a show out right now on Netflix called Bad Thoughts, which we are going to sue for as a bad friend's company, man. That's right there, right? Are there other words you could have used?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There were awful.

Speaker 2 300.

Speaker 1 Awful thoughts. It could have been.
Yeah, yeah. Atrocious thoughts.
Yep. Yeah.
Alliteration would have been good, like

Speaker 1 terrible thoughts. Tyrannica's little rex.
Well thought.

Speaker 1 Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah, yeah.
Synonyms for bad. You could have used.
Yeah, zoom in, zoom in. Substandard.

Speaker 2 Unacceptable would have been good. Unacceptable thoughts.

Speaker 1 Second rate. Ah, yeah.
Dreadful. Yeah, dreadful.
Not up to par thoughts. Unlucky thoughts.

Speaker 1 Grim thoughts.

Speaker 2 Have you thought about what you're going to name your special?

Speaker 1 No, I haven't, Tom.

Speaker 2 It's one of the worst times you can have.

Speaker 1 I know. I can't think of it.
I just did mine. I know.
I know your title. I'm saying it yet, but I'm not.
I know your title is great.

Speaker 2 There's this thing, too, when you're naming, and they pointed this out to me because we were submitting just dozens of them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Every title sounds fake until it's like official.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 Like when you're throwing them around, you're like, that sounds like a made-up. That doesn't sound real.

Speaker 1 Well, ChatGBT says Bobby's comedy spells should be called Tiger Dad, Unfiltered Kimchi,

Speaker 1 The Slept King, Pork Chop Samurai,

Speaker 1 Diagnost.

Speaker 1 That's the only one. Trauma llama is so good.

Speaker 2 Trauma Lama. I feel like if you do go with Still Bobby, you got to do one of these poses.
It's

Speaker 1 still Bobby. Still Bobby.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, does your title, I was thinking about this, because you guys are the pros. Correct.
And you guys are better than me. That's right.
Yeah. You people.
You're talking about. Yeah.
What?

Speaker 1 As people, you mean. People draw

Speaker 1 as people, as comics, as friends, as

Speaker 1 actors, as writers, as performers,

Speaker 1 everything really.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know? Take it away. Okay, now so good.

Speaker 2 Now go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is so good. Anyway,

Speaker 1 what I was going to say, does your title have anything to do with your jokes or your theme, or can it just be random?

Speaker 1 It can be anything. All right.
Well, why can't I just do the Slept King? You can. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Trauma Llama is more fun. Yeah, but I don't have jokes about llamas.
I certainly think you could write one. Let's do one right now.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 What did the llama say to his twin brother llama? What did he say?

Speaker 1 You can open it.

Speaker 1 You know, because you're opening. Pretty good, right?

Speaker 1 That's dead online.

Speaker 2 Well, the opener is your table setter for the hour. So that's a good way to start the hour.
Let people know what kind of show they're going to see.

Speaker 1 Really? Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Listen, you're a better friend than me, right? And you're a better actor and all that stuff. He said, right? But what I'm saying to you is that, are you being real right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You think that joke I just wrote should be my opening joke?

Speaker 2 For the special, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, you might maybe workshop it a little.

Speaker 1 Do thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming, man.
My first special. Woo! San Diego! Woo!

Speaker 1 Hey, what's up? Travel!

Speaker 1 Thanks for bringing it up, guy. You're right.
What did the one llama say to Swin Lama, brother? What did he say? What?

Speaker 1 everybody's laughing

Speaker 1 losing it dude i'm losing it my favorite thing you said is it's the table setting for the entire special and it made me think immediately i know that's a turner phrase but how bobby has literally never set a table his entire life it's i went to etiquette school no you didn't i i i there's a paper in powwe i have a clipping of it of me going to etiquette school they took a photo of me why did they take a photo of you going to etiquette school Because I didn't know what a fork was.

Speaker 1 How old were you?

Speaker 1 12 or something.

Speaker 2 And so I was like, there's. So, yeah, it was like that.

Speaker 1 And I picked up a fork. What? No, that's not me.
Oh. I was picking up a fork, like looking at it like, this is a fork.
You know what I mean? And I was like.

Speaker 1 Dude, you went to etiquette class for how long? Be honest. For like a year.
We also learned dancing, ballroom dancing. Shut up.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny? Is that you have none of none of that is in you or about like

Speaker 2 when I'm I've you know, I love you and I've and I've introduced you to different people in my life and all of them are like, where's this fucking alien from?

Speaker 1 Like within minutes.

Speaker 1 They're like, this is the first time. No, no, fuck.
Fuck off, Tom. I think it's your projection because I'm going to say something.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why. We were in Toronto backstage.
Yeah. And he said the same exact privately.
He goes, where are you from? You're so weird. Yeah.
And I think that's his own projection.

Speaker 1 I think I'm normal. Wait, why are you saying he's not projecting?

Speaker 1 Yeah. What would he be projecting? Because he's weird.
No. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't think that's weird? I think

Speaker 1 he's about as low weird on the weird scale as you are the highest of the weird.

Speaker 2 What's weird about me, though?

Speaker 1 What's weird? That you're Peruvianly, but you look like a white guy.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's kind of weird. Sure.

Speaker 1 I would say

Speaker 1 it was interesting, not weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's more interesting than weird. Yeah, yeah.
That's like, oh, you're proving. Proving.
That's interesting. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 The only guy that lost weight that looks worse?

Speaker 1 Wow, dude. Okay.
You see what he's doing?

Speaker 1 And by the way,

Speaker 1 he tried to go to battle with Shane Gillis. Didn't end well.
Yeah, it didn't end well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 here's another thing that you're weird. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You surprise me.

Speaker 2 That's weird?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it's like you're dynamic, but you hide your talents.

Speaker 1 What are you fucking talking about? I don't know. I'm just wondering if you're not.
Yeah, it's not working. Yeah, yeah.
He's not weird. Look, Carlos.
Weird. He's fucking weird, man.

Speaker 1 We know what weird is. We have it all over.
Look at the fucking window. A weirdos.
He said alien. You are quite alien.
So i walk into like a dinner like

Speaker 2 but here's the thing you you take this you always get defensive like it's a like it's a critique right but what i'm saying is that it's a celebration like when people meet you like i we've we've toured together you came and did bad thought you did an episode of bad thoughts with me i have another thing that i let him finish okay but go ahead so like in in both scenarios you know like i go like oh here this is my friend bobby's great comic and everyone, you know, it's like, oh, cool.

Speaker 2 Always, if not within the first 20 minutes, within the first few hours, people pull me aside and they're like, yo, this guy's out of his fucking mind.

Speaker 1 Dude, story of my fucking life. It's got to be, right? Every day of my life.
And why does he react this way, though? He pretends this is an act.

Speaker 1 It's a, he does this because he wants, this is him ramping up. Yeah.
You know how, like, somebody ramps up? Yeah. He's ramping up silently.

Speaker 1 Look at him. Go ahead and say what you want to say back.
He's not critiquing you. He's just giving you the real world.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 People used to call me eccentric. Eccentric.
Whatever it is. Yeah, that's a one.
And espresso. Yeah, and

Speaker 1 espresso. Eccentric.

Speaker 1 Can you get me espresso?

Speaker 1 I'm an eccentric.

Speaker 1 That's what you should call your special. Eccentric espresso.

Speaker 1 All right. Okay.

Speaker 1 What a rama save totes tween brothers you're on fire today hey go so women used to go you're eccentric and i googled it and i don't think that i'm any of that you are eccentric we've looked it up on this show yeah but yeah so um unconventional and slightly strange yeah but that's about that's about that's about society you like society tells you how to behave one way right not everybody's weird about you yeah that's what yeah yeah here's the thing

Speaker 1 you are eccentric we love that's what we like about you It's the most fun thing. But honestly, can I just say, oh, can I just, I honestly think that I'm normal.
For you, you are.

Speaker 1 When I wake up,

Speaker 1 I go, oh, normal. You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 1 no, I don't do that. No, no.
You were about to do that. No, I don't do that.
No, no, no, no. I go, oh,

Speaker 1 good morning.

Speaker 1 No. I go, oh, morning.
Yeah. Yeah, like that.
Okay, can I give you an example?

Speaker 1 Here's the deal.

Speaker 1 I had it like that. If I said to my mom and dad in Chicago, if I said, Tom Seguro is coming over for dinner tonight, they'd go, oh, wow.
Awesome. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And then if I say, when I said, Bobby, mom, dad, Bobby's coming up for dinner. My mom goes, really?

Speaker 1 What is he doing? Okay. That's a fact.
They were there. All right.
When I went to your fucking Thanksgiving fucking dinner, right? Yeah. Wasn't I polite? You were.
And I jeweled. Oh, my fucking.

Speaker 1 You were putting on his. I am.
You were putting on. I am.
You were putting on. That's who I am.

Speaker 1 I'm a normal dude how much of an act was he fucking putting on it was unbelievable you were watching football with his dad It's such bullshit because that's what I do in my normal life dude He's such a liar.

Speaker 1 You've watched football before no

Speaker 1 but like but it's like all the Kansas City Chiefs are playing the Philadelphia Philadelphia. Yeah

Speaker 1 right yeah yeah and you know because they should change the name. No, they did yeah

Speaker 1 Philadelphia Philadelphia Skyhawks whatever they are Skyhawks so

Speaker 1 yeah it's so close.

Speaker 1 Yeah yeah I think it's Eagles. Hey There we go.
You got it. Okay, named some football television.

Speaker 1 You want to guess?

Speaker 1 Pittsburgh. Steelers.
Very good. Very good.
Detroit? Lions. Chicago?

Speaker 1 You got to know that. Bears.
Arizona. That's a tricky one.
Cardinals. Oh, that's good.
Wow. You know all them all.
So that's my point.

Speaker 1 I act like this in show business areas. Good for you.
Right?

Speaker 1 So, like, you know, I met Chuck Laurie the other day.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Brag.

Speaker 1 Big brag.

Speaker 2 Big brag. Was it a general? Like, was it a.

Speaker 1 No, we were just hanging out.

Speaker 2 Where? Oh, we were just hanging out. Me and Chuck Laurie.

Speaker 1 And I act weird in front of him because I'm like, use me as innocent car.

Speaker 1 Five and a half guys or whatever.

Speaker 1 And so it's like,

Speaker 1 I can see myself like my brother does it. My brother acts weird in front of you guys.

Speaker 1 That's not who he is. You're right.
I've seen both sides of your brother. Yeah.
So it's like, I think that I kind of like accentuate accentuate certain things. You qualities of momentum.

Speaker 1 You play it up. Right.
Yeah, that's normal, though. Thank you so much.
Okay. I have a qualm with you.
Tell me. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So this fool, right?

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I'll bring it up privately. No, do it now.

Speaker 1 Might as well do it now. That look was fucking...

Speaker 1 You have a look now, Dad. Now? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 your look now is improved dramatically. What do you mean? He can look at me with an eye

Speaker 1 or both eyes, if you may,

Speaker 1 and you can go, just in one eye, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I wasn't doing that.

Speaker 1 He didn't do that, though. I didn't do that.
Tell me what the.

Speaker 2 I'm curious as to what your qualm is.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh, check this out, dude. This is so funny.
What?

Speaker 1 I'm Bobby. Making it up.
No, I'm not. I'm not making it up.

Speaker 1 I'm making it up right now in my head. Making it up.
I'm making it up. I'm fucking making it up right now in my head.
Go. I'm not going to say it.
Oh, come on. Come on, dude.
Don't do this.

Speaker 2 Just do it.

Speaker 1 What's your qualm, please?

Speaker 1 So, what I was just a qualm was that you called me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'm doing a project, right?

Speaker 1 And I go, and you called me FaceTime.

Speaker 1 So then I went to your bad thoughts thing. Yeah.
And I went to the director. I'm like,

Speaker 1 of the project that you're doing. And I go,

Speaker 1 I'm in it, right? He's like, we'll see.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 i don't understand hold on one second i'm just gonna who's i'm just gonna give this story the light is this

Speaker 1 is that it wait i went to the premiere that's what you're saying and you were worried you weren't in it you're in the show no it was a different project oh what the movie

Speaker 1 The movie. He called me a movie.
And then when I went to the and talked to the director, he made it seem like I wasn't in it. Maybe you're not.

Speaker 2 What did he say?

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 maybe he was joking.

Speaker 1 Like, we're going to have audition or something but you know what i mean hmm yeah interesting were you good in the movie do you think we haven't done it yet so what the fuck are you talking about he's he's talking about that there's a movie coming up yeah that your offer is coming this week for yeah and

Speaker 1 and he's

Speaker 1 oh wow

Speaker 1 i don't you know i believe that

Speaker 1 yeah he'll turn it down but um he might you know how he does might you know what i mean he just might yeah yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what? Not, we can't all do karate ghost,

Speaker 1 you're karate ghost,

Speaker 1 dude. This guy,

Speaker 1 what's karate ghost? My favorite thing about Bobby, sometimes Bobby's like, don't do the Asian accent anymore, man. I'm trying to get away from that kind of shit.
And I'm like, okay, fine.

Speaker 1 What did you do this week? He's like, I shot karate ghost.

Speaker 1 What is that? Deadline? Yeah. It's not deadline.
Belushi, Bobby Lee,

Speaker 1 and who else? Tim Tim Razin, Colton, Gobo. Those are fake names.
Those are AI. Well, that dude right there is in the new Karate Kid movie.
I know, buddy. I'm just teasing.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Wait, so have you...

Speaker 1 I shot it already.

Speaker 1 Steve Howie's in it, too.

Speaker 2 Is it just your voice?

Speaker 1 No, no, I'm literally in it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 stop it. What the fuck? It's a good movie.
It's going to be hit.

Speaker 1 How was it?

Speaker 1 Steve Howie's in it, by the way. Here's how I know Steve Howey's in it.
What? Steve Howie called me.

Speaker 1 I was at the gym, and they called me to say, hey, man, did Bobby change his number? I can't get through to him at all. I was like, you got the right number, buddy.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I texted him back, though. You did finally.
We called him. Yeah, I called him.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Set in a town ruled by an absurd karate law. The film watches a lonely teen form an unlikely bond with the ghost of his late father's favorite action hero.
Is that right? Yep.

Speaker 2 And then you're the fake.

Speaker 1 No, I play a sensei.

Speaker 1 do think Asian accent. I do think Asian accent.

Speaker 2 I was going to say, how's your English?

Speaker 1 In it.

Speaker 2 Is it the kind we all want to hear?

Speaker 1 All right. But it's based on a popular comic book, right? In a video game? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He said, so here's the deal, okay?

Speaker 2 I fucking. Look at you in that IMDb photo.
That's great, man.

Speaker 1 It's killing it. This guy's killing it, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that one. Yeah.
That was from a long time ago. VH6.
1996. That's when VH1 was still on the air.
Yeah, yeah. So handsome.
Okay. Anyway, this is what happened, Tom.
Kick punch. I had to put.

Speaker 1 You had a.

Speaker 1 Tell me. You had what?

Speaker 1 Come on. Dude, I feel so defenseless.

Speaker 1 I'm being bullied by both of you. Do you deserve this? I do, I think.
You do. I do.
Go ahead. I apologize.
That's fine. Okay.
I didn't show up to a meeting. You?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What was it at noon or something? You're like, this is 10 a.m.

Speaker 1 in the morning.

Speaker 1 10.30. Carlos and I were on the phone with Ireland.
We were Zooming with Ireland, doing morning press. And

Speaker 1 they were like, where's Bubby?

Speaker 1 Is Bobby going to be coming with you? Yeah. I was like, well, he's not in my house.
We have two separate homes, so I don't know where. And they're like, really? Can you get a hold of Bobby?

Speaker 1 And I was like, I can't. We can't get a hold of Bobby.
Yeah, how mad were you? We had this plan for you. How mad were you? I said, you're right, Irishman.
We have had this plan for weeks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't believe Bobby's not on the call. I was like, I can't either.
You know what, dude? He never does stuff like this.

Speaker 1 And the Irishman goes, Ah, that's so disappointing that I thought we'd get you together and you'd be goofing together. And I said, Me too.
Me too, bud. Me too.

Speaker 1 And how many times I have to fucking apologize for it?

Speaker 1 Karate Ghost.

Speaker 1 Can we not talk about karate ghost? I tell you what, if that's the story.

Speaker 2 You didn't even tell me, by the way.

Speaker 1 Well, about what?

Speaker 2 Well, you had asked me

Speaker 2 about you and bad thoughts. And you're like, is it funny? Is it good? And I was like, and then I was like, like, Thank you so much for doing it.
Did you watch it?

Speaker 1 You know, he didn't watch it. You didn't watch it? No fucking chance.

Speaker 2 You didn't watch yourself?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 So what happened was this. Okay.
What happened? I'll tell you what happened. So Gilbert from Tiger Belly.
Correct. I made him watch it.
Mm-hmm. So he saw the whole show.

Speaker 1 So you paid another guy to watch your scene for you. And then before, because you know what I mean? And he goes, your sketches is not as strong

Speaker 1 as the other sketches. Is it your fault? I know.
Just listen to what I'm saying, Tom. I don't want it when you roll your eyes.
All right.

Speaker 1 So, what I'm saying is that, and so I'm like, oh, but I have to say, I've gotten a lot of text as how great I was in it.

Speaker 2 You're so funny in it.

Speaker 1 So, my point is, is that thank you so much. Okay.

Speaker 1 You were really great in it, honestly. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Why didn't you want to watch it?

Speaker 1 Andrew, do you watch everything you're in?

Speaker 1 No, but I watch everything you're in.

Speaker 1 I know. And I watch Nicky Nicky.

Speaker 1 Did you? Nicky Snicky? Yeah,

Speaker 1 what's it about? It's about golf, baby. That's right.
Yeah. Very good.
Say less. Anyway, so I don't watch things that I'm in.
Me neither. I agree.
Right.

Speaker 1 But sometimes I force myself to. You know what I mean? I'm trapped into it.

Speaker 2 You're going to be happy with yourself in this one day when you see it. You're very funny in it.

Speaker 1 Also,

Speaker 1 if it was shown at the premiere, I would have been forced to watch it. But it's like,

Speaker 1 but based on the other sketches on the show, let me say this: okay, I was talking to my date about it, and I go, number one, I've never seen anything like it. Okay, number two, it's shot like a film.

Speaker 1 Number three, it's crazy funny. So, what I'm saying is that, thank you for putting me in it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's

Speaker 1 prestigious.

Speaker 1 And I want to say that Congratulations. Okay.
Thanks, buddy. Jesus fucking Christ.
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Speaker 1 We're not doing that fucking movie anyway. I was considering it.
No chance. Andrew promised.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, when he chases, this is a funny thing. I bet you, I wonder if your guys do this.

Speaker 1 Like after the show is done, you know, we're done. We're wrapping up.
We're saying goodbye.

Speaker 1 And then they'll follow you to your car to ask you one thing, not in front of everybody else yeah he's like andrew andrew and he chased me to the parking lot i go what's up man he's like i was just wondering and as he's doing this i'm getting into my car i'm already gone you know what i mean i'm like i'm leaving you know what i mean it's like a kid being like when will you be back dad i'm like i'm not coming back buddy your mom has you now and he goes we maybe you do you think you will be in that movie maybe what did i say i said yes for sure i said

Speaker 1 of course i will yeah but you're not this is no way yeah there's no way yeah there's no fucking way dude yeah he went to film school school or whatever.

Speaker 1 Total fucking bullshit. We had a real director here two weeks ago.
Yeah, we had David Mammon sitting in the middle of the movie. David Manon.
You're going to work with this fucking guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We are. We're going to do your movie, and I can't wait to do it.
I'm excited to do it.

Speaker 2 Andrew, I hope you consider the movie that we're.

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. You know what?

Speaker 1 I am very excited to even. We don't have that.
You have to have to tell me. No one's told me anything.

Speaker 2 No, it's coming this week. Oh, it is?

Speaker 1 I swear to you. Okay.
Wait, wait. Are you being fucking...
No,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Yeah.
I'm sorry. Right.
And I don't like your mischievous mischievous smile. Why? Okay.

Speaker 1 Are you saying to me this? Yeah. Okay.
Tell me. And I'll be open.
Yes. And I'll accept it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What you're telling me, Mr. Segura, is that you're going to offer him a part in your movie.
Okay. Yes.
Through his agency. Yes.
Right.

Speaker 1 Or my agent's going to call me.

Speaker 1 They're going to audition for it.

Speaker 1 To be honest, because we're friends. I love you so much.
I love you too. We had we did Indian seances in Canada,

Speaker 1 right? We've gone through so much together. Yeah, okay.
What are you asking? Ultimately, what are you asking? You want to get an offer?

Speaker 1 Oh, you want to get an offer of the moon for the because you're getting one. We don't know that.
He just said it. We don't know that.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Hypothetically, would I get one? Not hypothetically. Am I getting one?

Speaker 1 I don't know yet.

Speaker 1 Why? Because you have that thought. It's not like that.
It's not like that. You don't understand.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of... It's not me going.

Speaker 2 Him, yes, him, no. It's not like that.
Oh,

Speaker 1 you don't think I know how movies work? Well, then why are you yelling? Look at my IMDb, guy.

Speaker 1 Let's check out his IMDB. Oh, here we go.
Now you're going to fucking shame me, dude. What's your problem? He's probably, you're probably going to get something you never know.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's see this IMDB, though.

Speaker 1 No, just kidding.

Speaker 1 Sorry. Look at that.
Stacked. Shit.
Stacked. So many.
What else do you need?

Speaker 1 God damn. Look at that right there.
Kicking it old school. Chilly chill.
I mean, it never ends.

Speaker 2 What's your favorite thing that's on there? Do you have one favorite?

Speaker 1 He's got to fix the Mikey. Bad thoughts.
Oh, stop. Hello.

Speaker 1 Listen, I'm being real.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Let's be real for a second.

Speaker 1 I know how the biz works.

Speaker 1 Do you?

Speaker 1 He's a great actor. Yeah.
And I understand why you would.

Speaker 1 And I'll catch you on the flip side.

Speaker 1 On the flip side, yeah, yeah. I'll catch you on the flip side, but it's not like it's definitely not like yeah, no, it's not, um,

Speaker 1 but you know, um,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna tell, can I cut this off and change this? Change the subject. I want to say something, okay? Let's get real.
We are a little heartbroken, we do, we do miss you.

Speaker 1 It's a little annoying that everyone left us. Can we be honest and tell our friends

Speaker 1 everybody left us? We're here alone on this little island,

Speaker 1 yeah. Also, it's gonna die out there.
Oh, he, yeah, he's been, he's been, he's trying to curse it.

Speaker 2 Well, he was telling me that in 2020. Right.

Speaker 2 He's like, you don't feel the fucking wave coming back here right now. And I go, no.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I did say that, huh? Oh, you did. No, you know what? I think we're jealous.
It's not jealous. We miss our friends.
I miss.

Speaker 1 It's like when half the community moves. You know what I mean? You.

Speaker 1 It's like Game of Thrones.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It was so fun, by the way, to be in the store the other night when we ran into each other.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was such a fun night.

Speaker 1 That was a fun night felt like the old days the old days you know i mean i remember when rogan was there you all these guys you know what i mean seth

Speaker 1 seth rogan yeah yeah and all those guys god you're so quick today thanks man god you're so good now you turn it up good sleep yeah did you not really i can tell why because your demeanor oh my demeanor's off you're slower today you sound slurry really

Speaker 2 It's early for you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's early for me. Wait, how this is early? Very early.
Oh, yeah. Too early.

Speaker 2 What's the normal wake-up time? I know we've talked about it, but I don't remember.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No. When I have nothing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I have nothing to do.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 So when I have nothing to do. Dude.
How funny is that? How funny is that for you to fucking say that to me in front of my fucking video? When I have nothing to do. We have so much going on.

Speaker 1 And it's so funny. What he's saying is when Andrew has all the stuff to do and I don't do any of it, I get to fucking sleep till 5.
It's amazing.

Speaker 2 That's insane, bro.

Speaker 1 He sleeps till 4 p.m. And then we shoot at 6 or 7 p.m.
usually. I don't have children.
Neither do I.

Speaker 1 We have jobs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, so what to get up at four, what time did you go to sleep, though?

Speaker 1 Well, last night, for instance, if I may. Yeah.
You know what I mean? You may.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I was playing Oblivion, but watching House of the Dragon at the same time. Oh, double down.
Yeah, I was doubling down again. I love it.
You know what I mean? But with Oblivion, I could just wander.

Speaker 1 Right. You don't need to really be.
I pick up mushrooms. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You're foraging and stuff. Well, I'm an alchemist in the game.
So I like making potions and stuff. You know what I mean? You're quite the alchemist in the real world as well, Mike.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then taking grand soul gems, triggering the black soul gems. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Why are you, but you are slurring.

Speaker 1 Is that from a thing? I haven't slept good last night.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's not like a neurological condition or something.

Speaker 1 Are you being fucking real right now?

Speaker 2 You think I'm slurring? Well, you said I'm picking up mushrooms.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you did slur.

Speaker 1 Okay. He is right.
Or I'll be more clear then. Okay, okay.
All right. So, what I'm going to say, just make it dumb.

Speaker 1 Let me finish. Okay.
So then

Speaker 1 the birds tweet.

Speaker 1 Tweet. Chirp.
Chirp. Very good.
Chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp. Right? Sounds like I'm teaching you English.
Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 I literally had one hour of sleep last night. I know.
Wait a minute. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 2 Wait, you're playing the game, the movie's on.

Speaker 1 TV show. TV show.

Speaker 2 And then what? TV show. It's 5, 6 a.m.
later?

Speaker 1 5, 6 a.m. Okay.
And then I go,

Speaker 1 bath time.

Speaker 1 He takes a bath. He loves morning baths.
So I have buckets in the bathtub. And also my tree tea oil.
Tea tree. Whatever.
We're going to figure it all out. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Tea tree. Tea tree oil.
Yeah, yeah. So I had one hour of sleep.
So I'm like really tired right now. Did you go on a date? Were you going to date last night, though, did you? No, no date.
Don't lie.

Speaker 1 I swear to God.

Speaker 2 Wait, so the bath is over around 7, 8 a.m.

Speaker 1 Then do you get it's called a Korean ritual. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. Do you get body scrubbed too? You got scrubbed?

Speaker 1 So I have two scrubbers. One for my feet and the one for my whole body.
What are the buckets for in the tub?

Speaker 1 Because when you do

Speaker 1 that, right?

Speaker 1 Then I take the bucket, fill it with warm water, and I pour it over my back. Oh, wow.
You're super Korean. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I lay there, listen to music, and then by the time it's 10. Then it's 10.
Yeah, then it's, now it's 10, man.

Speaker 1 Now it's 11, right? That's when I'm on the call with Ireland. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's exactly.

Speaker 1 And then what happens is I hear my dogs in the backyard because my bedroom, you'd have a pool and a really nice backyard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, you don't have to flex that hard.

Speaker 1 He does, too.

Speaker 1 Ozimbic. I took a shot yet.
Yeah, we know.

Speaker 1 And now I'm like, oh my God, the the dogs are running around. I'm fucked.
Right. They're hungry.
They have to eat and piss. So then I double-check my fucking phone to see if the alarm is on.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 It was. It was on, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I went to sleep.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So what's up? What's up, bra?

Speaker 1 You got a problem with that, bro. So that's about 11.30 or something.

Speaker 2 So that's a normal day. You're not a weird guy.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But normally, like, for instance, the Karate Ghost week. Yeah.
Well, you're filming is a different thing. So if I have a 5 a.m.
call time, I'm there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was going to say,

Speaker 2 how hard is it for you to pivot when you're working in a production?

Speaker 2 I don't sleep.

Speaker 1 You just don't. I just show up like fucking no sleep.

Speaker 2 So you show up and then.

Speaker 1 But then if I have two days in a row, then that night I'll sleep at seven. Right.
You'll just pass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he knows the lines. Yeah, but he's a pro.
I do. I know my lines.

Speaker 1 He'll show up knowing the lines. That is a fact.
Yeah. He'll show up knowing the lines and he shows up on time.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm getting better at, though?

Speaker 1 Memorizing lines when I'm there.

Speaker 1 It's giving you more incentive to not memorize lines. No, no, no, I'm just saying.
I still memorize them, but there was one day where I was like, I was so tired. I'll just do it in the morning.
Right.

Speaker 1 Right. And it was a lot of pages.
Oh, shit. And I could just do it quickly.

Speaker 1 What? What? You're really solidifying your offer from the new movie.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, that's just, I just get panicked.

Speaker 1 If you're like, well, you're the lead. You're number one on the call sheet.
For that, yeah. Yeah, so you have a lot of lines.
That's true. And that horror movie you did really good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think the best number. What was that movie called?

Speaker 2 What the one that I had a role in?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were like the DHS clerk. Oh, Countdown.
Countdown. Yeah.
Bring it up. I want to see a photo.
I love that movie. Yeah.
When I saw Segura, because I watched every horror movie.

Speaker 1 I've never been his name with the Countdown. Actually,

Speaker 2 the scene for me went is...

Speaker 1 There he is. No, but the acting.
The scene with the...

Speaker 2 Next to it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And the self-appropriate.

Speaker 2 That goes like, that's like even like hood clips when we play it because people love uh a customer service guy being like, hey, fuck off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I love, I love, honestly, I loved your

Speaker 1 scenes in that movie. Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but yeah, um, that is on hood clips, 100%. A thousand percent.
That's WorldStar's favorite shit.

Speaker 2 They're like, hey, and then people comment, like, well, she deserves it.

Speaker 1 She was talking shit. Yeah, bitch deserved that shit.
Get up out of my motherfucking man's face.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Too much? You did it? I know, but we're doing it in context. You know what I mean? Oh.
What?

Speaker 1 No, that's good. All right.
Okay. You know, my favorite thing to watch, by the way, it's graduation season, and black graduation is the greatest thing in the world.

Speaker 1 Have you watched black high school graduates? When they call it, they're losing their minds. I love the most fun I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that one where it was like all women just

Speaker 1 fucking absolutely going fucking off.

Speaker 1 Chaos. Give me videos.
Go to YouTube.

Speaker 1 Go to YouTube and just do black graduation celebration.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's yeah, it's wild. And then sometimes it goes from these incredible, like, dance, you know, like celebratory things to just an all-out riot.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a fist fight.
Yeah, it's a fist fight. It's amazing.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Amazing.

Speaker 1 You know what they call that? Huh? Joy. Yeah, joy and happiness.

Speaker 1 You want to call it Tom? Look at this. Look.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 1 Bounce, bounce. Hey, hey.

Speaker 1 That's so cool. Bro, I fucking love this.

Speaker 1 That's fucking so cool. I fucking love this so much.

Speaker 1 Damn. Oh, my God.
It's so good.

Speaker 1 This is it. My grandma.
All right, that's all. Anyway.
And then a white person has to ruin it with salt. There's some turmeric.

Speaker 2 That kid's moves were so fucking so good.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, though, how has this not been... How is this now? Is this like new to us? I know.
Well, you guys are. White people are stiff.

Speaker 1 And they don't know joy.

Speaker 2 You don't think white people know joy? Right.

Speaker 1 At a level. You think Asian graduations are buck like that? Are you out of your fucking mind? What do you mean? You think an Asian graduation celebration would be fucking wild?

Speaker 2 Asian graduation celebration. Okay, look up.

Speaker 1 Okay, look up the... Oh, hold on.

Speaker 1 Carlos, look at me. They go directly.
Carlos, look at me.

Speaker 1 Look up the graduation where people can wear whatever they want in Japan. Go ahead.
I'm going to prove you wrong. For once in my life.
What is it? Hello kitty shit all over the fucking place?

Speaker 1 No, just listen. Yeah.
It's disgusting. So people can anything in your graduation.
At Kyoto University, graduation isn't just about formal ropes. It's a celebration of individuality.

Speaker 1 Instead of sticking to the usual capsule, that's joy,

Speaker 1 timeout.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys are so repressed

Speaker 1 as a culture that you're like, you have to dress up like weird fantasy creatures. Yeah.
in order to like feel something. No, it's expression.

Speaker 1 No, because they're not allowed to express any other time of day. They have to be head down on the train, quiet.
Okay, is this a look at Delhi?

Speaker 2 And they also wear masks that you can't even actually express yourself in.

Speaker 1 Right, it's nothing like them.

Speaker 2 Like mascot helmets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but with the head helmet on and off, it's the same thing. Their faces are the same.
This is repression. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is heavy repression. Is this oppression?

Speaker 1 What is that? It's a ninja. Oh my god, dude.

Speaker 1 That's expression.

Speaker 1 What's your little sarcasm?

Speaker 1 Bomb?

Speaker 1 That's expression. Oh, that's

Speaker 1 Nagasaki?

Speaker 1 Was it a joke? Or was that like Hiroshima? Oh, that was more Hiroshima. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was definitely Hiroshima. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The cloud was big.

Speaker 1 Don't try to play like you're. Asians are stiff as fucking whites.
Black people celebration is individual to them. You don't get to fucking

Speaker 1 get to be on that side of defense.

Speaker 1 Well, you, for once, because you've been

Speaker 1 the duo

Speaker 1 against Papa. That's bullshit.
So, what I'm saying is, is for once,

Speaker 1 is that a form of expression?

Speaker 2 Is that a form of expression? Yes. Yeah, I mean, it's very repressed expression, but yes, it is an expression.

Speaker 1 This does not happen at Korean graduates. This is just Japan.
You don't get to do that. Okay, we're just talking about.

Speaker 1 I've

Speaker 2 seen kids' smiles at graduation.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's just fucking.
Hey! Hey!

Speaker 1 No! All right. Don't touch my head.
Now give me a wild white fucking graduation celebration. Shooting guns at each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She's like, hey, I'm going to wear my blue.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, my case was black people celebrate like no one else.
You can't lump Asians into there. Yeah.
I'm just.

Speaker 1 You guys don't do it like. We're in the mid.
If blacks are tens or fives, you're zero. You're above whites.
Okay, okay. Yes.
Thank you. That's all I want to say.
But you're not near them. Are they?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're above whites.

Speaker 2 For their celebrating?

Speaker 1 I would say for their

Speaker 1 oddity, their culture of oddity. They're weirdos.
Oh, right. Yeah, they're weirdos.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You bitches. You fucking kidding.
You're the weirdos right here.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I just got it. It's your American lens.

Speaker 1 You're fucking American. Okay, so what I'm saying to you.
You're from San Diego.

Speaker 1 That's about the whitest place on planet Earth.

Speaker 1 You have to wear a new pair of glasses.

Speaker 1 I got LASIK. No, no, I'm just saying.
You have to look at life with a different lens. Go on.
A different perspective. Well, teach me.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is that, you know, culturally, you know what I mean? We're Americans, right? I dabble in Asian, though.

Speaker 1 I dabble in Asian as well. And what?

Speaker 1 Do you dabble in Asian? No, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, when I, you know, the way I walk and the way I behave, maybe it's a cultural thing that I'm from Asia. It's a Bobby Lee thing.
And you perceive it as to be, you know what I mean, weird.

Speaker 1 You're one of one. When I'm just one of a billion.
Nobody's like you.

Speaker 2 No, I don't think so.

Speaker 1 No, nobody's like you, Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 Okay. I have met other Asians.
None of them are. None of them are like you.

Speaker 1 Jimmy Oyang, nothing like you.

Speaker 1 Well, I was molested

Speaker 1 and beat by my dad. Well, that's white.
That's white. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
See, you are like us. That's our thing.

Speaker 2 Now, you need to go back to etiquette school, for being honest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 Really? I think you should probably do a little course.

Speaker 1 Where are you going to go now? No, I'm just going to tell you. I'm not going to hack you i'm gonna walk into a dinner oh he's walking into a dinner

Speaker 1 anybody order chinese

Speaker 1 hey buddy hello sir how you doing excuse me

Speaker 1 wow what do you think it looked good thank you that was really respectful yeah very

Speaker 1 and like like your thanksgiving thing like thanksgiving dinner with my parents yeah what a lovely time so he was super polite there dude it was so fucking annoying.

Speaker 1 My mom literally goes, It was so good that everyone came over. I was like, no, it was nice.
And she was like, and Bobby, oh, so you know, he's so sweet. And I was like,

Speaker 1 you have no fucking idea, dude. It was such an act.
It was such a fucking act. He had that glimmer in his eye.
Like when he said goodbye, he turned to me and he was like, okay, bye.

Speaker 1 And then you're me. He turned and went like this.

Speaker 1 You're a good knocking devil. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 What about my prayer? Oh, dude. He said, dude, dude, Tom, I did a Thanksgiving prayer at the table.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 How great was that? It was, you know,

Speaker 1 it was him. Are you still married to that lady? Yeah.
She's the best. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I saw her in the. You got to get out of that, dude.
Dude.

Speaker 1 You got to get out of that, dude.

Speaker 2 No, she's still there.

Speaker 1 Kids aside. But you've won the lottery in a way.
Yeah, you have a fucking rad wife. She's awesome.
But just not just that. It's like, if I was dating a comic or, you know, we're married to one,

Speaker 1 it's rare to find a super funny one. And ones that last.
I know this is cornball shit, but honestly, I'm always, it is funny.

Speaker 1 You two, the only other comic couples that's married, and obviously you've been married much longer, Moshe Natasha, yeah. And

Speaker 1 oh, you're talking about comics. Comics that are married.
Yeah. Mark Norman and his girl.
Mark Norman and his wife. Yeah, that's right.
Comics. But that's also new.

Speaker 1 They've been married for way longer.

Speaker 1 Andy and

Speaker 1 Rose Butt Baker. Comics.
New. Newer.
Newer. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's the other.

Speaker 1 Fun game. Fuck, this is too many more people than I thought.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Isn't it Hannah?

Speaker 1 Hannah Berner. Oh, Hannah Berner and her husband.
Yeah, yeah. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.
Yeah, both good stand-ups.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What are these lists?

Speaker 1 Persons. AI things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's wrong.

Speaker 1 But the proof is. The point is, it's incredible that you two have stayed together

Speaker 1 this long, being both comedians and both reserving your career and no one had to stop. But all those examples is that they all are both funny.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I've never seen like a really great comic day marry an open micer. You know what I mean? That wouldn't work.
I don't think it would work. Bad friends.

Speaker 1 You might.

Speaker 1 Okay. Anyway,

Speaker 1 you might have a harem.

Speaker 1 So it does, yeah.

Speaker 1 You guys are together.

Speaker 1 And that's great. What else celebrate that?

Speaker 2 Christina's great.

Speaker 1 She's awesome, man. We fucking,

Speaker 1 we love her. And she's a good actress.
Yeah, she was great in battle. Good actress.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Great mom. Great fucking, yeah, she's the best, man.

Speaker 1 But honestly, be real with us. Yeah.
You don't miss us at all?

Speaker 2 I miss you guys crazy. Do you really? And I tell you this, too.
This is also totally sincere.

Speaker 2 Man, this show is so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 This fucking dumb show?

Speaker 2 This dumb show. This is the only, fuck, one of the only things that, like, you know, we all are scrolling all the time.
I watch every clip of your guy's show.

Speaker 1 Ah, Tommy. Come on.
No. And you know what?

Speaker 1 I would share the same sentiment, but I can't watch Bort. No.
I'll watch you. I can't watch Bort.
Yeah, yeah. We don't even see fucking Burt Burt anymore.
I'm joking around Bert. Oh, yeah, Burt.

Speaker 1 I can't even see Burt anymore. Because of his appearance? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't be near him. No, we never see him fucking anymore.
He's the only guy that stayed in L.A. And how often do you see Burt for real? Not much.
I went over to his house.

Speaker 1 We had a little get-together. You came.
But then outside of that, he's never here.

Speaker 2 But do you really miss us? Do you miss your friends?

Speaker 1 I do a lot. Come.
We do a lot, actually. It kind of sucks.
Remember, I did a little dance when you were sitting back there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So he's in the worst sitting in the back bucket booths. I can't hear a word you just said.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's in the back booth. Like the little chairs in the back booth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What didn't you understand?

Speaker 2 It was a rough sentence.

Speaker 1 It was rough.

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Speaker 1 Crank it up, man. Let's go.
All right. So anyway,

Speaker 1 I was sitting in the bed. Yeah, and I walked in and I did a little dance in front of you.
Yeah, you did. Because I was so happy to see you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it really was, it was fun memories, man. Being there was super fun.

Speaker 1 It's the store is not the same, but it's okay. Things change.
They come and they go. Are you going up at the mothership a lot or no?

Speaker 2 Well, I've been on tour so much that I'm not one of those people when you get off of a

Speaker 2 week of grinding. You get home.
You're like, I got to get back on stage right away. I don't do that.
Bobby.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're that. You'll always just get up.
You'll just go, go, go. You'll just do it again.
That's good. That's good.
I still go.

Speaker 2 I went two weeks ago. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's just like depends on the time. But, you know, this summer I'm not going to tour.

Speaker 1 So if I what's on the, what's on the, what's on the docket for the summer? I'm going to vacay? A little vacay. And

Speaker 1 then we shoot something. Can we guess what the vacation is whether he's going to vacation? Let's guess.
Oh, Bora Bora.

Speaker 1 No. I don't know where that is.
Something more elevated. That's in Tahiti.
That is. Okay.
Elevated. Well, I'm going to say this about him.

Speaker 1 We did a show in Vegas. We went to that Jose Anders.
What's her name? Jose Andres. Andreas.
Hey, hey, fucking hometown guy.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I thought to myself, oh, this is how he eats. What do you mean, this is how he eats? High level.

Speaker 1 Huh? High level. High level food? High level everything.

Speaker 1 How much did he order? I don't remember.

Speaker 1 You ordered for everybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we had a feast.

Speaker 1 It was a feast. It was the greatest steak I've I've ever had.
Ever. I think so because it was the way it was.
It was incredible. Because they gave us a plaque.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes when you get like a Japanese wagyu,

Speaker 1 he just says it on the menu. This dude came up with an authentic, like a stamp

Speaker 1 from some Asian dude. He stamped the wagyu.
No, it's from the Asian dude. It's a gold, like, you know, like Certain of Thrones, where you would, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Put like, you know, wax to hold it together or whatever. And it was like signed by some Japanese dude.

Speaker 1 You know what I remember about this dinner, too?

Speaker 2 It was a big dinner, it was probably like 15 of us or something, all right,

Speaker 2 and we had a security guy like assigned to us for this weekend. Yeah, and uh, he was like, He came over to me, and I thought he was going to tell me like something related.

Speaker 2 He goes, Uh, uh, is it cool if my uncle comes by?

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 He goes, He goes, Yeah, just to like, uh, you know, meet you.

Speaker 1 And I go, Are you working right now? And he was like,

Speaker 1 What'd you say?

Speaker 2 I said, of course.

Speaker 2 And then, and then,

Speaker 2 you know, we're having dinner and then the security guy, and then there's just some guy.

Speaker 1 Just Unk? Yeah. And then Unc showed up.
He goes,

Speaker 1 can you come over here? Oh, you want to get up from eating?

Speaker 1 I got up from the table.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what's up, man? He goes, hey.

Speaker 1 And I go, hey.

Speaker 1 And he goes, yeah, I live here. I go, cool.
I'm having dinner. Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. Did he sit down with us? No, he did not sit down.
Okay, good. But he'd have been funny as shit if he sat down.
Oh, my God. Can I get a plate? And you're like, I guess, dude.

Speaker 2 He showed me photos of some shit he's working on. This is at the restaurant, during the restaurant.

Speaker 1 I love this guy.

Speaker 1 I like when people are bold like that. I fucking think that's funny as shit.
Do you think so? I think it's funny. It would bother me.
It was very funny. I think it would bother you.

Speaker 1 I'd laugh about it, but we talk shit about it. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you talk, but it's also hilarious. Yes.
What circumstance would you not take a photo with somebody?

Speaker 2 Dude, I've...

Speaker 1 Funeral, obviously. Funeral, you know.
No, that's my best. I look my best.
I'm wearing a suit. Wearing a fucking suit.
I don't take a photo.

Speaker 2 I don't have that thing, dude. Like, I've been around friends of ours who I'm like, oh my God, when they go, when they're like, no, not now, like all that shit.
I've never done that.

Speaker 1 Never.

Speaker 1 I haven't either. I mean, the only time I've done it for other people, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2 You know, like one time I was at a dinner with Rogan and I see a guy, like, there's like a plant in the restaurant, and he's like,

Speaker 2 and I go, hey, man. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 And he's just like, I go, he's having dinner.

Speaker 2 Like, so I did it for him.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 I would never do it for me.

Speaker 1 I can come up with some scenarios where you wouldn't do it.

Speaker 2 Well, okay, if my kids were... When you're skydiving.

Speaker 1 I was just going to say, if you're with your family,

Speaker 1 if you're skydiving, you won't do it. Spongy jumping.

Speaker 1 If you were in like a war, you know what I mean? Like you're a Russian and then you're fighting Ukraine.

Speaker 1 And the Russian guy goes... Photo? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, can I get the photo?

Speaker 1 Not right now. No, honestly, only.

Speaker 1 I think I told a story on here. I was sitting down.
We just got off a long flight. My wife and I are sitting down to have dinner.

Speaker 1 And this guy like barges up to the table and doesn't even acknowledge my wife, like stares right at me, like basically bumps into her way. He's like, yo, dude, I'm a fucking huge friend.

Speaker 1 Let me get a photo. And that line of questioning also let me get a photo.
Like, what, dude?

Speaker 1 I was like, dude, I go, brother, I'm at dinner with my wife. You need to fucking chill the fuck out.
Like, you were being a little too. And he went and sat down.

Speaker 1 And then the server comes over with a bucket of ice and a bottle of champagne. And I was like, no, no, no, we didn't, we're not drinking.
We're not ordering any booze.

Speaker 1 And she's like, no, no, this is from a gentleman in the restaurant. I was like, oh, fuck.
I don't, we hate champagne. Yeah, yeah.
Like, we don't, I don't like champagne. I don't like champagne.

Speaker 1 I fucking hate it. And I was, and she's, she's like, it's one of this bottle.
You know, and the guy's like, oh, it's a really nice bottle. I was like, okay, don't open it.

Speaker 1 And they're like, don't open it. I was like, just put it in the thing.
And I go, who's the guy? And then they lead me around the side. It's the guy.
It's the same guy.

Speaker 1 And I walked it up to him and I go, hey, man. And then he goes, dude, I just wanted to apologize.
I'm so sorry. I took care of your meal.
That was so fucking rude. Oh, that's really.

Speaker 1 And I was like, buddy, you're the man. I go, I don't drink champagne here.
Have it to take it. He had like three girls with him.
I was like, do your thing. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And then I said, let's take a photo. But that turned out the right way.
Sure. But it was a cool move on him.
He was like, I took, I paid for your meal. I was like, oh, that's fucking.

Speaker 1 But at the beginning, I was very like, dude, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 Are you, do you shut people down?

Speaker 1 Never, but there's some annoying circumstances. If somebody did that, if you're at dinner with a girl and somebody barked and like ignored them, you'd be mad.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, dude, that's fucking crazy rude. I had a guy come up to me and from behind, and I feel arms wrapped around me on the side like this.
He's come on, man, like that. Without even asking.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? He just snuck in and like, let's, you know what I mean? I was like, what are you doing? Yeah, that's weird. Yeah.
I'll always take a photo.

Speaker 1 But if I'm with, if I'm with my wife at dinner, I'm like, dude, it's fucking dinner, man.

Speaker 1 But also the kind of person that just is chill about, is like thinks that that's chill. You're like, Are you okay? Yeah, I'm at dinner, we're eating food.

Speaker 2 That's the worst time to approach someone, hands down, yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll just any other time shitting, also.

Speaker 2 I actually would, I fucking did have one time at a uh at a urinal. The guy next to me goes, like, no shit.
And I go, Hey, and he goes, Nice to meet you. And he sticks his hand up.

Speaker 1 And I go, Oh, wait.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's so crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where would you not take a photo? You, me specifically, yeah, you.
Like I said, funeral. Um, I I wouldn't do it if I was like um

Speaker 1 AA meeting. Can't do it, you can't.

Speaker 1 Did you get asked to get take pictures at A? Bro, one time I was at an A meeting, and

Speaker 1 it was a big one. It was in Louisville, Kentucky.
Those are big. Yeah,

Speaker 1 no,

Speaker 1 it was a speaker, it was a speaker meeting. Fuck, ground zero, right? Right.
That's where bourbon is made. Yeah, yeah.
You're talking about two, three hundred people there, right? Damn. Shit.

Speaker 1 And so in A meetings, they always go,

Speaker 1 is there anyone from out of town?

Speaker 1 Right. But that was my mistake.
Would you please introduce yourself? I go, hey, I'm Bobby. I'm from Los Angeles.
I've been sober for whatever the time it was,

Speaker 1 12 years, whatever. And I sat back down.
Then after the meeting, there was a line. Yeah.
They take a photo with me. And I just went, I can't do this.
Yeah. I just, it's just, it's so, because.

Speaker 1 It's an invasion of your privacy. And not only that, it's like, you know, I go to regular meetings.
You know what I mean? Sometimes I go to celebrity ones, but like, you know.

Speaker 1 He does. He loves celebrity meetings.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's going to be there? No.

Speaker 1 Who else is getting clicked?

Speaker 2 I want to ask you a question. And obviously, I'm not asking you to reveal actual details, but in a broader sense, have you ever been to a celebrity meeting where a celebrity reveals

Speaker 2 something

Speaker 2 and it's just like your dopamine rush is just like

Speaker 1 oh man I've heard some crazy shits from gigantic people Really? Fuck. I go to this meeting.

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you what night. Yeah, yeah.
But it's an all-men's meeting. Or Tuesday.
Yeah. What? Thursday.

Speaker 1 No, it's not Thursday. No, it's Tuesday.
Yeah, yeah. And it's invite-only.

Speaker 1 And it's all legendary rock stars.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And I got in it

Speaker 1 way back in the day when I was on Mad TV. When I got sober with that.
You have to get recommended. It's like Raya.
Somebody has to recommend you.

Speaker 1 No, somebody has to go up to the guy and go, can this guy come? Right. You know what I mean? Right.
And I've been turned down by celebrity meetings. You know that? No.
I swear to God.

Speaker 1 What do they check your star meter? Why the fuck are you? No, no.

Speaker 1 When I first got sober this time, weren't we? Yeah, when you were kicking the habit. 2022.
Yeah, kicking the habit.

Speaker 1 My therapist goes, you should contact this person because he has a really good meaning. So I called this guy.
Paul Rubens. And I go, can I?

Speaker 1 I just got sober again. Can I go to your meeting? He goes, you're not big enough.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He said that for real. But honestly,

Speaker 1 I do know who the guy was. Yeah.
I wasn't big enough. You're not big enough.
I'm not big enough.

Speaker 2 He hasn't seen bad thoughts. Maybe you call him again.

Speaker 1 That's also true. Yeah.
But I went to this, so this Monday night, and it's like,

Speaker 1 it's so intimidating to see the... Yeah, because I've pride in that meeting.

Speaker 2 Is the person, the person who said,

Speaker 1 I have.

Speaker 2 Is the person who said you're not big enough a huge name, though? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, they are too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they were like, sorry, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's just, you can't do it. Maybe do a Marvel.
Should I get sober Marvel Facebook? I should get sober just to see if I could get into better.

Speaker 1 I would fucking love that. If you call me and go, hey, he let me in the meeting, I would be like,

Speaker 1 how funny would that be if I got into more important meetings?

Speaker 1 Dude, you got to do it. I'm going to do it, dude.

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it. Yeah, yeah.
It's weird, but I like to go to the regular ones, like the plumbers and all that stuff, because it's like, I want to feel normal.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but also, like, you're also the.

Speaker 1 No, wait. That's how.
No. What I'm saying, let me rephrase it.

Speaker 2 Don't you want to be the big shot at the meeting?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. He does.
Yes. He does.

Speaker 1 cut all that out shut up cut that out stop it they're all like we're just regular guys and you're like me too

Speaker 1 no because the with alcoholism right is like you want to have commonality with people yeah and a connection right and i want to bond people through alcoholism and do you share a lot are you a share i do you do yeah and um dude

Speaker 1 He loves to share. Yeah.
He gets up there. In fact, he kills.
You know what I don't like? When it's like

Speaker 1 so there's two types of there's three types of meetings okay okay speaker meeting right and then there's like a circle where people everyone shares but the worst kind and i went to one tuesday like this where it was like

Speaker 1 anyone can share it but you have to raise your hand

Speaker 1 right so i can't

Speaker 1 me me i can't do it no right and so when somebody doesn't raise their hand they'll pick somebody so sometimes i'll go pick me pick me you know what what I mean? But I can't raise my hand.

Speaker 1 Because you feel like it's too desperate. Yeah, I just want to, yeah, because it's like, you know, and I'm always because you're an attention whore.

Speaker 1 No, we're not.

Speaker 1 No, we all, we're stand-ups. Okay, I am.
I am. Yeah.
We are. You are.
Yeah, I am. You're an attention.
Look at how you just reacted to that. You're an attention whore.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And those things are, I mean, that's.

Speaker 2 So you'll speak, but not if you have to raise your hand. So in what circumstance do you

Speaker 1 like? He wants them, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to be like, pick me. Yes.
Some meetings are like this where the secretary, this is, we point to you. You don't raise your hand.

Speaker 1 Those are the ones I like. You like that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Can you share something with us that you've shared at one of those?

Speaker 1 Really? Sure.

Speaker 1 Because if I say it,

Speaker 1 it's going to

Speaker 1 cringe. No, we won't.

Speaker 1 I promise. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're your friends. Well, I'll like example, you know what I mean? You know, I'll say something like, you you know, Socrates once said,

Speaker 1 a life not self-examined is not a life worth living.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? And so what I love about AA is like it's internal. You know what I mean? And it's like, it's about looking in the mirror and looking inside yourself.

Speaker 1 And so, and so, you know, I do the steps, you know, I think it's very important. You know, the weight lifted from eight and nine, you know what I mean? is absolutely incredible.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I think it's very important. It's that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Robert.

Speaker 1 That, like that. And then everybody.
Well, no, but sometimes they'll have a music. They'll play you off.

Speaker 2 They'll play you off, like the Emmys.

Speaker 1 That's incredible. Like they know when they say you're done.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 You're like talking about, yeah, I was molested. Who let the dogs out? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Really cool. Yeah.
And you're like, okay, I'm done. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that's pretty incredible that you give them that shtick.

Speaker 1 I have so many different shticks I can use. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 When are you actually being real? When there's a hot girl there.

Speaker 1 No, dude.

Speaker 2 How many times have you scooped one up?

Speaker 1 A million.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 It's going to be so one. One.
Throughout my whole life, Sarah. Oh, Sarah, that's right.
Yeah, I shouldn't blow her animated, but yeah, you know, that was the only one.

Speaker 1 I don't go there to like hook up. It's against the code.
No. They call it the 13th step.
What is that? It's these, it's so gross. It's like these old-timers, people with time, men and women.

Speaker 1 They see a newcomer and they go in.

Speaker 1 That's the 13th step. Yeah, you're, yeah, it's just, it's not in the steps, but it's like.
Oh, I know. It's a hypothetical.
You're taking advantage of people's vulnerability and desperation

Speaker 1 because you don't get sober unless you lost a lot.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? No. No, if you lost a lot, you get.

Speaker 1 Did I say that wrong? I have no idea.

Speaker 2 You have to be a very low point in your life.

Speaker 1 You're the worst.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? People that are newcomers have lost a lot. Right.
You know what I mean? And they've, you know.

Speaker 2 Well, it's a a great place to be a predator, is what you're saying, right?

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is, is that

Speaker 1 some people, not probably 1%,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 They'll go in and not predator, but they'll like, you know, hey, let me take you after the meeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Take it to lunch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me pick you up for meetings when their intention is, this girl's hot.
Yeah, yeah. And it's unfathomable, and I think it's fucking wrong.

Speaker 2 Wow, you're a really good person.

Speaker 1 It's just that. It's just, here's the thing.
And let's be real for a second, okay? The whole point of it is to get out of yourself.

Speaker 1 Right. So, you know, when there's a newcomer, like if I'm sitting there in a meeting and a newcomer goes, I'm a newcomer.
I'll always reach my hand out and go, hey, man, welcome.

Speaker 1 You know, if you need anything, let me know.

Speaker 1 Nice.

Speaker 1 I think you're being a jerk.

Speaker 1 I said that's nice. Yeah, when you do this, though.
Well,

Speaker 1 I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, let's move on from now. No, I said that's nice.
I was being nice. I was being jerked.
What? What, Tom?

Speaker 2 You'll also welcome welcome like an attractive woman, right?

Speaker 1 You'll welcome them. If you need anything.
Yeah. No, you know, I know.
But anyway, you inspired me. You've inspired all of us, Tom.
Yeah. And the biggest bummer of all is

Speaker 1 we don't get to see you more. I know, dude.
But the only way we can see you is by watching Netflix. Bad Thoughts.
Yeah. It's available right now on Netflix.
Yeah. Streaming.

Speaker 1 Name some of the other people that are in this fucking show.

Speaker 2 So Shea Wiggum's in it. Boom.
Who's also in the new Mission Impossible?

Speaker 1 Phenomenal. Time for us.
Dude. Dan Stevens.
When I saw him. Can he finish?

Speaker 2 Dan Stevens. Dan Stevens.

Speaker 1 Incredible actor.

Speaker 2 Yes, true. Daniela Pineda.
Phenomenal. She's phenomenal.

Speaker 1 Roberto Lee. Bobby Lee.
Roberto Ree. Roberto Lee.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Rob Eiler.
Kirk Fox. Kirk Fox.
Kirk Dog.

Speaker 2 He's fantastic in it. Marlin Bard, Christina Pozzicksky.

Speaker 1 Think of how to do it. Alan Rachel.
Rachel. Yeah.
Rachel Bloom. Who's in it with the statue? Alan Barnholtz.
That's right.

Speaker 1 Ike Stats. Ike Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I did a scene with him. I love Alan.
Joseph Rogan. Yep.

Speaker 1 None other than Joseph Rogan. What did Joe do in it? He plays a gay, like a regular gay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Very funny.
That's so great. And Sickler, sick dog.
Oh, yeah, Sickle Cell. The boy.
Sickle cells in it. Yeah.
Wow. Did you ever try to convince him to move down to Austin? Sickle?

Speaker 2 We've talked about it. You know, everybody at some point has talked about it.
And then even now, people go, like, I got to get out of this city. They'll say it now.

Speaker 2 I guess maybe post-fires and shit, people start talking about it more.

Speaker 1 But yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 We should get a place down there. No.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 I still love it here, though. I have to say that.

Speaker 1 I do love it. You love L.A.
I love L.A. I love your house.

Speaker 2 The one that burned down?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, before, I mean,

Speaker 1 after you left, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. You went to that house? Yeah.
His entire family was in that house when it burned.

Speaker 1 Really? Extremely expensive. Yeah, yeah.
Can we talk about... I try to bring it up the last episode, but then we made a joke out of it.

Speaker 1 But I'm being real. Okay.

Speaker 2 Be real.

Speaker 1 Have you heard of King Charles?

Speaker 1 It's a dog, right? Remember last time I was trying to bring it up? I'm trying to push this on us. Because I want you to...

Speaker 1 So can I tell you who he is? My opinion. My guess is that the girl you're dating has a King Charles.
No, it's not about King Charles the dog. It's a dog named.
God, that's an adorable dog. No.

Speaker 1 King Charles

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 Alpha Dog. What is this? That guy.
What about him?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. This video is great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's so great. So what

Speaker 1 see that?

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to ingest. So basically, in China.

Speaker 2 You haven't seen this video? Is all these?

Speaker 1 I have never seen it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right in China, right? There's like a dog video ends then. No, it's not like that.
It's a sanctuary. So there's a dog sanctuary, right? And there's hundreds of dogs there, right?

Speaker 1 I'm boring you? No, it just, I mean, so many jokes are run into.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable. I mean, you're like literally, I'm like loading a gun.

Speaker 1 I know. You're like in China, there's 100 dogs

Speaker 1 kept as a sanctuary. I'm like, this is a buffet.
But go ahead.

Speaker 1 All right. So what I'm saying is, is that, but there's one dog, his name is King Charles, and he's the alpha dog, but he's not the biggest.
Right. He's super small.
Right.

Speaker 1 And the way the dogs behave in front of him. So this video in itself is,

Speaker 1 King Charles is not in it, right? A bunch of dogs are fighting. Right.
Right. King Charles, but it's in the subtle details.
Yes. So slowly, right? Exactly.
So I play again.

Speaker 1 See, the dogs are going crazy. They're all fighting.

Speaker 1 Right. They're all fighting,

Speaker 1 yelling at each other. Here comes King Charles.
That one. See the push pause?

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 rewinded a little bit. One dog bowed to him.
Exactly. So the dog to his left bows, the other one gets up and leaves.
That's the most Chinese shit I've ever seen. They bowed.

Speaker 1 They taught that dog how to bow.

Speaker 1 It's fucking.

Speaker 1 It's amazing. This brown dog leaves.

Speaker 1 Go. Yeah, the brown dog's like, I'm out of here.

Speaker 1 Look at that.

Speaker 2 The rest of them.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 2 The other one goes into the gate. It's like, I'm out.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's slowly.
Everyone leaves.

Speaker 2 Everyone leaves. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I've been obsessed with this guy. This is how you see yourself.

Speaker 2 Smaller, but commanding.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Is that a real observation you think, though? Is that relevant to you? That you feel like this. This is the dog you identify with.

Speaker 2 You're like, I'm not as big as the other dogs, but I should be respected the way that they respect

Speaker 1 let me tell you the dog that he is in this video

Speaker 1 start the video over okay

Speaker 1 i'll tell you who bobby is okay

Speaker 1 okay all these dogs are fighting pause

Speaker 1 you see the dog sleeping yes that is fucking you that is fucking you and that dog gets up and goes look at this oh fuck this

Speaker 1 fuck this that's me dude 100 that's you that's literally you there's no argument about it.

Speaker 1 Look at that.

Speaker 1 Watch him fuck off. Look at that.
Fuck off. He's gone.
Yeah. Or that's you, buddy.
Well, who? That's you on the ground. That's me after you didn't.
You bailed on the interview.

Speaker 1 I'm the King Charles, and you bailed on another fucking gig. Okay.
And then look at this. And you try to make excuses, and I put my foot on your throat.
But it does give you a life.

Speaker 1 It gives me a perspective of like, you know what I mean? Sizes and everything.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Nice.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And

Speaker 1 the other day I was at the improv. There was a gigantic door guy.
He's like 6'3.

Speaker 1 He's standing out front. And I walked up to him.
And like his breasts,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? My head is at his breasts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just walked up to him. I kissed his breast

Speaker 1 and walked away. Just King Charles shit, dude.

Speaker 2 How did he react?

Speaker 1 Didn't like it at all.

Speaker 1 He's that bottom dog. Yeah.
Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah.
You kissed that man's tit? Just like that. What did he say? He laughed.
Yeah. Of course.
When Bobby Lee kisses you in the breast, dude.

Speaker 2 It's funny. It's funny, dude.

Speaker 1 It is fucking funny. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know how you get away with that. What do you mean? I don't know how you do that.
Imagine if Tommy and I kiss somebody's tit.

Speaker 1 You wouldn't go away.

Speaker 1 Is that the weird thing you're talking about? Yeah, dude. If we're going to go full circle, that's what we were talking about at the beginning.

Speaker 1 Most guys don't kiss other guys' tits.

Speaker 2 The only thing you should leave with here today is just knowing how not normal you are.

Speaker 1 Dude. But in a good way.
In a good way.

Speaker 2 It's so endearing.

Speaker 1 I want you to impart some words of wisdom for our good friend Tom Segura before he leaves. Because you are an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-being individual.

Speaker 1 And people come here looking for advice about the world and life and comedy and career. I see, I see.

Speaker 1 Okay, so, oh, I see, I see, I see. Okay.

Speaker 1 Hold on.

Speaker 1 Let him get in his, too. Okay.
I'll make up a proverb. Please.
Well, don't say make it up. Just pretend like it's a, you know what I mean? No, but that's how special I am.
You need to say it then.

Speaker 1 Okay. But you're

Speaker 1 I apologize.

Speaker 1 A man

Speaker 1 who says

Speaker 1 that a word. That sounds like a proverb to me.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hiri, heari.

Speaker 1 A man who promises gold to a fellow man

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 negates on that gold is a man who should be boiled in water.

Speaker 2 Americu wa America wa oiki

Speaker 1 oiki desuka.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 Do you really know the language? Yes, he's speaking Japanese.

Speaker 1 Holy fuck, dude.

Speaker 1 Forget what I said then.

Speaker 1 Forget what I said.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen, do yourself a big favor on behalf of the Bad Friends family. Please go watch Bad Thoughts right now on Netflix.
Please do.

Speaker 1 Our best buddy, Tom Seguro, we miss and love, and we know he's doing right by us down there. I'll tell you why you should watch it.
Because you're in it. Yes.

Speaker 1 And also, I won a second season so we can continue my story. Oh, interesting that you think you'd go back.

Speaker 1 I know, probably not. It's on him, not on you.
I know. Okay, everything's on him.
I'd love to have you back. I'd love to have him.
I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 1 Can you look in the camera and say thank you for being a bad friend? Say thank you for being a bad friend in Japanese.