100 Men v 1 Gorilla

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Kill a you two or something. We're bad friends.
I can kill a gorilla on my own.

Speaker 2 I don't need 99 other men. He's doing this because there's a guy who was wearing a shirt that said,

Speaker 2 I'm not a gorilla, but I can beat off a hundred men. Not that based on that, but I saw that.
That's what we just talked about at lunch.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but there's these memes and stuff going around about 100 men versus versus a gorilla. You couldn't, you could not.
100 men versus a gorilla? Yeah. We'd lose.

Speaker 2 Is that how big a gorilla is?

Speaker 2 It's not how big a gorilla is.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 I mean, how many, okay, let's go, let's go all animals. How many men would a kid?

Speaker 2 A Yorkshire Terrier?

Speaker 2 Like a grown adult male, just one. One? But not Brad Williams.
How many kids? But not Brad Williams. No, BW.
Yeah, you'd be taken down.

Speaker 2 How about how many people would it take to fight off a

Speaker 2 Doberman pincher? Ooh.

Speaker 2 I saw a guy manhandling his dog this morning, speaking of which, and it really pissed me off. Jeez.

Speaker 2 Dude, because you know how people tug on the chain?

Speaker 2 And he whipped it around because he was barking at another dog in a fence. Yeah.
And he whipped it so hard, it leapt off the ground, and then he grabbed it by the neck.

Speaker 2 That guy, write his name down. That's uncalled for.
A pit bull. He had a pit bull.
I hate when animals are treated that way. I don't like it at all, man.
It pissed me off.

Speaker 2 There's my dog in the window. Yeah.
He scared both the Cardos and me.

Speaker 2 Did it scare you guys? Yeah, it jumped, literally. Or they'll see like a puppy being beaten down on the side of the road.
Disgusting. Right.

Speaker 2 How come I can't find them? You know how there's this show on the internet where they can. I can't find kittens or anything.

Speaker 2 You know this show on the internet where they catch, it's called, there's a guy named Colorado Ped Patrol.

Speaker 2 He like baits people that are trying to interact with underage people and then they beat them in public. They like beat the life out of them.

Speaker 2 Why can't we bait people that are abusive to dogs and beat them in public and stream it? I think if you beat dogs, we should beat you in public and stream it. You know what? I do.
I put

Speaker 2 peanut butter on my butthole. That'll get them out there.
That'll get the dogs excited. I don't know about the guy who does the abuse.
I'll make him eat it. Oh, that's smart.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's very smart. After the dogs are done,

Speaker 2 chunky peanut butter.

Speaker 2 Extra chunky. Oh, crunchy.
Do you like chunky or smooth? I'm a crunchy guy, dad. Really? Oh, 100%.
Yeah, you're kind of crunchy. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you like smooth? Nah, smooth is so weird. It's

Speaker 2 it feels weird. What kind of jelly do you use?

Speaker 2 Raspberry. No, what brand?

Speaker 2 I use the one. What's the one that's, you know, you know.
Yeah, it's the one that looks

Speaker 2 a mom and pop. Yes.
That one. Who is that, though? I don't even know.
We just buy it. We buy it because it looks so like

Speaker 2 fancy. Yeah, cottage bed by an old white lady.
Yeah. I make you some jam.

Speaker 2 Yeah, where is it? I think it's smuckers, right? No. No, man.
We're not smuckers. We're not smuckers, guys, for sure.
That one, the first one. The first one.
Go up top, the first one. The first thing.

Speaker 2 That girl. That's what I use.
Who's this woman? This one. Bonnie.
Bonnie. Bonnie Maimon.

Speaker 2 Oh, she's got a skill set. That one.
Huge rack, Bonnie Maimon. She's just an old, fat white lady.
I'll make you some strawberry preserves.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a really good one. Do you refrigerate your jam?

Speaker 2 No, I don't think so. Do you refrigerate your peanut butter?

Speaker 2 No, and and I definitely don't refrigerate butter. People that put butter in the fridge, weirdo.
Leave it out. Leave it out, you weirdo.
Let it get soft. Yeah.
Butter should generally be refrigerated.

Speaker 2 No, that's not true. Yeah, I think that you're wrong about that.
I was going along with you, but I'm like,

Speaker 2 no, no, no. Butter lasts longer in the fridge, but you don't have to put it in the fridge.
You don't look it up. Here's another thing you shouldn't put in the fridge.
Tashimi. Leave it out.

Speaker 2 Leave it out for a month. Wherever the sun is coming in your house,

Speaker 2 big slice of tuna in your front, just in the front.

Speaker 2 Recommended refrigerated jelly, especially especially if it's not high-sugar variety.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you, I don't want to oblige you to any of that. I drank spoiled milk yesterday, and I'm fine.
Really? I did. I'm not kidding.
I had seer. I looked at it.

Speaker 2 It was like seven days past when it said don't drink. Was it curdled? Tasted fine.
I mean, yeah, yeah. I fart smelled weird.
But who cares? I do. Your body is.
I'm lactose intolerant.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, you can't have it. Curdled milk? Forget about it.
You're lactose intolerant? Yeah. You're Korean and Jewish? Yes.

Speaker 2 That's what I had for breakfast. Yuck.
Yogurt. Yeah, yogurt.
Yeah, okay. By the way, yogurt is, isn't that curdled milk? There's nothing wrong with drinking spoiled milk.
Thank you.

Speaker 3 It just doesn't taste good.

Speaker 2 But it doesn't do anything to you. No.
No.

Speaker 2 How old? How old?

Speaker 2 Drinking milk can be dangerous. It's so good to have doctors in the house.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like we're on Rogan's show.

Speaker 2 I'm just giving out medical advice. Two fucking idiots giving out medical advice.
Does your mother have titty milk still in her breast?

Speaker 2 Because that's, I'd like to try it. We know yours doesn't.

Speaker 2 See those fried eggs hanging off her chest.

Speaker 2 Things hit her belt.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what's self-communication? Your mom goes, oh, you looking at my boobies? No, you know what? No, no, I'm looking at your face, not your fucking belt line. Yeah, you went mean with it.

Speaker 2 Oh, you looking at my boobies? No, dude, you're going mean with it, dude. You started it.
I just said, are there? Like a scientific question. Clearly there's not.
Dug into my mom. Clearly there's not.

Speaker 2 You know, milk goes away. Yeah, okay.
How long does breast milk stay in a woman's breast after giving birth? After they stop breastfeeding. That's what I mean.
You know what your mom's titty?

Speaker 2 Two years. You know what comes out of it? After cessation.
You know what comes out of your mom's titty?

Speaker 2 Mac and cheese dust. The cheese dust?

Speaker 2 Did that land?

Speaker 2 You thought that was going to hit, didn't you? You thought about it and it didn't hit. I think it's going to

Speaker 2 hit with some of our fans, I think.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 Well, let me have the line again then. Go on.
The cheese powder from macaroni and cheese. Oh, that's pretty good.
Kraft? Yeah. Yeah, Robert Kraft.
You know what penis I want to see, though? Woo-foo.

Speaker 2 Remember that flying horsey and never-ending story?

Speaker 2 Falcor? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's packed. Yeah, it's got to be packed.
Dude, I saw, I read this thing. This is crazy.
He's in OnlyFans now. Oh, Falcor's on OF? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at that tongue, though. Jesus Christ.
The never-ending penis. Yes.
It goes on and on and on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if you were giving Falcor that actual fucking robotic, whatever thing, would you display it in your home? Yeah. Where? Front door.
Yeah, amazing. Right out the front window, so people coming up.

Speaker 2 No, I would have got wrapped in my roof. Oh, that's smart.
I think so. I put it, put an Asian, like, roof, right? And wrap that thing.
Oh, that'd be so smart. You have an Asian roof.
I do, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's on your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Amazing. That's funny that your real estate agent will sell your house afterwards and be like, and this is an Asian palace.
They're like, it doesn't look, it looks Spanish. They're like, wow.

Speaker 2 It was Bobby Lee's house. Wow.
It was an Asian palace. Well,

Speaker 2 just by me living in it, doesn't

Speaker 2 give value to the house. Are you not King Lee? You think you give value to your house? I'm just a white.

Speaker 2 You're King Lee. I'm giving you credit.
You're missing a compliment. I'm the fraud king.
Frog King. Fraud King?

Speaker 2 I can't talk today. It's all right.

Speaker 2 So drink some of that coffee. Hey, look this up.
This is crazy. A guy on the internet said, you know, when somebody goes, I'm hung like a horse.
He's hung like a horse? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They did like the math comparison of a horse's penis in comparison to the weight of the horse and its size. And technically,

Speaker 2 look at this. Here you go.
The average horse weighs 1,000 pounds and has a 20-inch dick. That's a ratio of 50 pounds to one inch.

Speaker 2 So an average man weighing 200 pounds only needs a four-inch dick to be hung like a horse.

Speaker 2 Wow. We're good.
Yeah. Well, I mean, you're much less than 22.
How much do you weigh? I'm hung like a giraffe now. Sure, dude.
With that metric. But isn't that brilliant to think about?

Speaker 2 That's hung like a horse is very average penis. Oh, wow.
I did not even realize that. News from Spain.

Speaker 2 a day without power what 12 hours of darkness look like in spain and portugal so i read this the trains went down everything went down huh what'd you do fancy look at all those fancies yeah i can't catch the bus to their place look at their bodies just like it's like a fucking village of porgs it's a porg convention dude they're all wow

Speaker 2 it's not your fault then it's not it's not your it's the people my god It's genetics. Yeah.
It's genetics. It's not genetics.

Speaker 2 It's like that movie Wreck. Remember that movie Wreck? Wreck.
Yeah. Do you remember that movie? Yeah.
Great movie. You know Wreck? Yes.
Did you see Wreck 2? Yeah. Yeah.
And 3 and 4.

Speaker 2 There's not 3 and 4. There is.
There's four of those? Yep. Wow.
Wow. And an American version called Quarantine.
Oh, Quarantine. Yeah.
Mino film. Mino film.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Shut up.
Wreck was good. Honestly, dude? Yeah.
You're a little snippy today, aren't you? So you haven't watched any Last of Us? I've never seen The Last of Us. No.
Why?

Speaker 2 I'm stuck. I told you, I'm stuck right now on the studio on Apple TV.
I was watching that, and you haven't seen it. So we have, you know, that's the divide.
Interesting. Okay.

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, it's very meta.

Speaker 2 It's inside, inside, inside baseball. Yeah.
We get the jokes. Yeah.
The problem is, I'm so fucking jealous.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 That's why I can't watch it. I went to bed last night so fucking jealous.
That's why I can't watch it. It's because I was like, why can't I be just.
I have friends in it. I cannot watch it.

Speaker 2 Let me be a page. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know?

Speaker 2 Why can't we get work?

Speaker 2 Duh. Because of this, probably.
Yeah, it's got to be a piece of it, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But this is, I'm going to call, I'm going to email Seth Rogan and ask him if he can cut me out of that one, too.

Speaker 2 Put me in this, cut me out of it, just so I can be on set for a little while. All right.
Just like the room. I'll get cut out too.
You'd probably stay.

Speaker 2 We apparently did kill the Pope. Our 266th episode came out the day he died, and he was.
He was the 266th Pope. Are you serious? Yes.
No. That's confirmed.

Speaker 2 I knew we had power.

Speaker 2 I knew it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Did you see that Pope, Pope Francis, as a young man? He was a haughty. Was he hot? Yeah.
A young Pope Francis.

Speaker 2 Please be right. No, that color photo right there.
That one.

Speaker 2 Zoom in. Yeah, he's a handsome cat.
Dude, look at the eyes.

Speaker 2 Piercing eyes. Those eyes have some.
Betty Davis's eyes.

Speaker 2 Betty Davis. Betty Davis.
Davis' eyes. That's what it is.
A ton of music.

Speaker 2 Now, he could get girls. He had to resist it.
Do you think, don't you think some of these guys are

Speaker 2 getting top and just not telling anybody? Yes.

Speaker 2 You think so? I think if you get to heaven and you're Pope Francis, he's like, he did so much good, but I do know you were getting your wang sucked.

Speaker 2 But just to get your message that you're going to get dove, put a message on it, put it in the sky.

Speaker 2 It takes three months for it to come back. That's their raya.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's their raya.
As As long as you confess that you're fine.

Speaker 2 If he confesses that he did something bad, what are these ones? Hottest popes.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's go. Take us through the hottest pops.
Hottest popes.

Speaker 2 That guy was not hot. That guy's hot.

Speaker 2 His civilian name was Fabio. You know what he looks like? Dirty Harry.
You know who Dirty Harry is? The porn star?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. I thought Dirty Harry, the movie, the clips, would be.
Look up Dirty Harry, the porn star. He does.
He does look like Dirty Harry, dude. Dude, that colored one.
That's my old landlord.

Speaker 2 I'm not even kidding. That's literally my old landlord.
Go to the first one.

Speaker 2 Dude, that's the Pope.

Speaker 2 This dude is

Speaker 2 an animal. Let me guess.
This guy died of a bad, bad disease. He's still alive.
Is he? Yeah, I think Dirty Harry is still alive. Dirty in the name is great.

Speaker 2 But he is. Wow.

Speaker 2 Is he alive?

Speaker 2 Dude, Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry Make My Day so good.

Speaker 2 How does that line go?

Speaker 2 Make my day. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Make my day. Go ahead and make my day.
Imagine saying that to somebody and then them beating the shit out of them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go ahead. Make.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 your kids are there? Yeah, no.

Speaker 3 Why would you say that to him?

Speaker 2 Tell me about Derdi Harry. He was born in the Bronx, New York in 1951.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love how it says he's an actor.

Speaker 2 Let's see some of his titles. Go and zoom in.

Speaker 3 Play Daddy.

Speaker 2 Dude, he was great in Play Daddy. Bang Bus, relax.
He's my stepdad. I think.
Deserved a Golden Globe after that one.

Speaker 2 Bang Bus.

Speaker 2 I suck. I suck is so good.

Speaker 2 Cash for chunkers.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, he does chunkers. I love chunkers.
You do? I think cash for chunkers is great. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'd have to get cash for the chunker. 29, not 49.
29 of them.

Speaker 2 He did 29. How many films has he done in total? Go back up to the top and I'll show you on the title.
So many. He's done so many.
How many titles?

Speaker 2 323. Dude.
And he's got one coming.

Speaker 2 Really? Pink Visual Pass. Oh, I got to see that.
He's keeping up with AI. It's released already.
Also, I want to do an alert.

Speaker 2 Can I just go back on my word about the

Speaker 2 Death and Ramen real quick? About Death and Ramen? Yeah, I've already done a spell on Rival War. I know, I feel bad.
Is there any way to get rid of that spell?

Speaker 2 Let me read the bottom. Let me see.
Let me see.

Speaker 2 Look in. Let me see at the bottom.
It says. I think I overreacted.

Speaker 2 As the day progresses, those changes will gradually slowly become more apparent. However, you cannot reverse any of these spells as they are permanent within the universe and

Speaker 2 I resent the fact that

Speaker 2 his hair looks better. I know, it does look really good, doesn't it? It does literally look better,

Speaker 2 it looks cool.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 he does look good, yeah, yeah. I don't like um, there's definitely like a tension between me and Carlos post-Trump,

Speaker 2 maybe, maybe, maybe. You think because of Trump's election, you guys have had like weird peef? No,

Speaker 2 since you know what, since Bobby was invited to the White House. Oh, yeah, are you going to go to that?

Speaker 2 You're being real?

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Are you being real right now? You brought up the tension. But

Speaker 2 that wasn't a tension. It's an overall tension.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, you know what you do? Put gas on the fire. You're a fireman.
Let's say I'm stuck in a house, right? And I'm on fire. I run out.

Speaker 2 And you're a fireman, and you just, you throw more gasoline on, you put more gasoline on me. 45 for 79.
It's a Korean family. We're going to let this one burn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, that's you. No, dude.
Yeah, yeah. You're not on my side half the time.

Speaker 2 Dude. Yeah.
That's true. You really want to do.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 What are you doing? Yeah,

Speaker 2 because he's the logic and reasoning behind this. No, he's a piece of shit.
Yeah. No, he's on my side all the time.
He left his daughter in a hot car for hours. Do you know this?

Speaker 2 They called the cops on him. No,

Speaker 2 he was going into Ralph's. Only once.
I know, but why do you... Dude, you left your child in the hot car? Yeah.
Five minutes, in and out. Five minutes? Did you get in trouble? Yeah, the cops came.

Speaker 2 It was fine. He doesn't want this to be brought up.
He tried to murder his daughter. He did.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's generally not safe to leave your child alone in a car, not even for a few minutes, and you did it for five. I love the windows open, though.
She's not a dog. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is one lady that came out of a casino and they're like, do you know your children are in the car? She's like, I was only gone for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, she had been gambling for 10 hours.

Speaker 2 10 hours, 10 minutes. What's the difference? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, was she on a heater? If she's on a roll, you got to let her do it. Yeah.
Also, those kids, that's her mom. I mean,

Speaker 2 she's the mother. They're going to turn out shitty anyway.
What's the difference? What? Because she's black?

Speaker 2 She never even said that. That's insane that you would say that.
You just said she left them in the car. Yeah, you might as well just say, well, you know, they're used to heat.
They're from Africa.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like, what is your mind? Where is your mind today, dude? Who made up all this stuff? You did, dude. I didn't know the race of the woman.
I said she was a bad mom.

Speaker 2 It was a viral thing, dude. I said she's a bad mom because she.
God damn you. Nice try.
All right. God damn you.
All right. Anyway, what is this?

Speaker 2 Police are planning to charge a mother or two whose children died inside the Van of Detroit Casino Garage. Wow.
Oh, they died. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I saw this dude. I was at Vegas last weekend, and I'm telling you, what breaks breaks my heart the most is when you see people with babies at like one in the morning in the casino.

Speaker 2 Jesus, what are you doing? I mean, but the fact that that's not, how is that not illegal? What are you doing? You got to be 21 to gamble, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it should be like, no babies on the floor, also. That's a law.
Yeah. Can't have babies on the floor.
What would happen if you did get drunk? Look at that.

Speaker 2 No baby, baby's generally not allowed on a casino floor. Yeah, it is.
I saw it all fucking weekend. All fucking weekend.
Do babies get drunk? If they have alcohol, yes.

Speaker 2 Oh. If they have achieved hard, yes.
They can come intoxicated from small amounts of alcohol. Oh, my God.
Imagine your baby drunk. Did your dad ever give you...

Speaker 2 The baby's like,

Speaker 2 I want to laugh at this bit. It's not good.
I know. I'm throwing blanks.
No, you're trying. We're thrusting in the sky.
Yeah, nothing's happening.

Speaker 2 Did your dad ever, like, you know, when you were teething? You ever heard this and they give whiskey on your gums?

Speaker 2 No. We do that.
That's a white suit.

Speaker 2 My dad used to do it with sake.

Speaker 2 It's not the same thing. It's not the same thing.
We're dying. If you put a piece of kimchi in your toes.
Yeah, we're dying. We're fine.
I'm not. Because

Speaker 2 you think it's the fucking interns that are here? Where's these interns? Sit them down here. Let's get them.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What's your name? Diego.
Diego, you know what you are? Diego. What am I? A young, dirty hairy.

Speaker 2 Look at that mustache.

Speaker 2 Is it bad or is it good? No, it's a good look. No, it's pretty good.
We're kind of like rocking the same thing. No, no.
Oh, mine's a little better. A little bit better.

Speaker 2 That's you right right there, Diego. That's you, dude.
Diego, what happened? I saw you on the pull in the parking lot. You couldn't get into the bathroom.
Couldn't figure it out. The door was jammed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, jammed.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 this is the new generation. They don't have to turn.
They don't know how to chickies. Yeah.
Let me ask you, guy. What's up, guy? Are you in? Ooh, careful.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Damn, Diego.

Speaker 2 Audrey, sorry, sorry.

Speaker 2 You're skating on thin horchata right now.

Speaker 2 I know. Are you in the movie Xanadu? What's up with your shoes, dog? Do you like them? No.
Wait, why not? What brand is that? La Tigre. They're like the Kill Bill, like yellow type.

Speaker 2 You know those people.

Speaker 2 You think that's yellow? No, they're like the same ones as the Kill Bill ones. Yeah, they're tigers.
They're tigers. Okay.

Speaker 2 The pants. Pants.
You don't like them? No, I'm just analyzing you, dude. That's what I'm doing.
I appreciate it. Can I analyze you? I like your hat.

Speaker 2 You analyze me and I'll analyze you. All right, let's go.
Tip or tat. Tip for tipper tat.
All right. All right.
Go ahead. I love your hat.
Where's it from? It says right on it. Yep.

Speaker 3 But made horn.

Speaker 2 Made horn? Oh, Made Worn. Yeah.
Bad Vision. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bad vision? What are you? 19? 20. Yeah.
You have bad eyes at 20? Horrible. What's your vision? What's your number?

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 8 out of whatever it is. 8 out? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Isn't it 2020?

Speaker 3 Like 820 or what is it?

Speaker 2 Well, you should. Have you ever been to an eye doctor? Yeah, but.
Do you have contacts? I do. You don't know your prescription? I don't, because I don't wear them.
Do you see what these kids?

Speaker 2 What do they know? Can't open a bathroom. Don't know.

Speaker 2 Do you thread your eyebrows? My barber does them. He does thread them? I'm my barber, huh? They're really nice.
Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it.
What's your barber's name?

Speaker 3 His name's George.

Speaker 2 George what?

Speaker 2 Washington.

Speaker 2 Carver. George Washington Carver.
Oh, yeah. He makes peanut butter and does your eyebrows.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Square. You know what? Yeah.

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Remember back in the day when you were selling merch after a show? Exactly.

Speaker 2 And people had cash or credit cards, you had to go to the club and be like, hey, could you charge this to the thing? And if they want to buy a shirt, and the club is like, your shirts are stupid.

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Right. And you got a square.
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Speaker 2 And how old are you?

Speaker 3 20.

Speaker 2 About to be 21. So you've never had,

Speaker 2 you know?

Speaker 2 I have never had. I don't know what.
Well, Well, guess what I was saying?

Speaker 2 Yeah, figure it out. You've never had

Speaker 2 empanada? Yeah. You had empanada? Yeah.
Never. No, never had empanada.
Never, never. I guessed it right.
Never. Yeah.
Empanada. I never had emanadadan.

Speaker 2 You've never had spear.

Speaker 2 Spear. Spear? Yes.
Oh, yeah. Whatever.
Do you own a spear? I never own. No, I don't own it.
Bingo. I've never owned it.
He's right. About spear fishing.
That's not the same thing. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm talking about a Viking spear.

Speaker 2 A Viking spear? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never seen one.
Let me do another one, okay?

Speaker 2 You've never been to Canada. Been to Canada? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm actually Canadian. I knew it.
That's why I know. How'd you know? Wait, how'd you know? How'd you know I was Canadian? Look at your weak mustache and your tender face.
Thank you. I appreciate that.

Speaker 2 That's Canadian. Well, you got a new prime minister.
Congrats. Yeah.
Oh, I didn't even know that, but thank you. How do you know? You don't know this? What do you guys know? What do you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a film student, right? Business. Oh, you're in business? Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I am.

Speaker 2 Can you tell? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What business do you want to do?

Speaker 2 Like social media management? Oh,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 Wait, you guys want to know a crazy story? Oh, we love your stories. Go ahead, Dirty Harry.

Speaker 3 Speaking of business and all that,

Speaker 2 you guys were, or you had actually gone on Instagram Live, and I had commented, oh, would it be cool if I ever worked for you?

Speaker 2 And you're like, no, you're never going to work for us. Are you working for us now?

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, look. Are you working for us now? I'm not working, but look where I came.
Look how far I am. I know, but you're never going to work for us.

Speaker 2 In fact, we're never going to see you again. I'll tell you what.
We'll hire you for no money, though. I'll do it.
Damn. Well, are you seeing somebody? I have a girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Is she living here in a house? I heard that little crack in the voice when you said girlfriend. That was good.
Yeah, let's analyze that. Wait, what?

Speaker 2 No, hold up. He got nervous.
Girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a little nervous.
How deep is the relationship?

Speaker 3 Three and a half years.

Speaker 2 High school sweethearts. Wow.
Wow. You know it's not going to work out, right?

Speaker 2 But do you know that? Why do you say that? Wait, why why do you say that? It might. It never does.
Wait, why?

Speaker 2 What'd you say? He's autistic?

Speaker 2 Would you show him the statistics?

Speaker 2 Show him the statistics. That's what he says.
No, what I'm saying to you is that

Speaker 2 you're ultimately not where you're going to be.

Speaker 2 Do you understand what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 You're going to become successful. We don't know what's going to happen to you.

Speaker 2 2% of all marriages from high school sweethearts last success comes. I'm just going to like.

Speaker 2 I've seen it all day every day dog well I might be the you won't be two percent no because when you fill out you're gonna be a chunko when was the last time that we had tails connected to our tailbone that's a weird question that you came up with I have a little pain in my tailbone right now oh yeah yeah I'm thinking about that humans lost their tails 25 million years ago oh my god

Speaker 2 really why did we lose it

Speaker 2 yeah we didn't need it

Speaker 2 fuck you don't you know it'd be nice to sit on a tail yeah

Speaker 2 we didn't need it

Speaker 2 that's crazy That's what we used to look like.

Speaker 2 It's so thick. What would you do with your tail if you had a tail? Me? Yeah.
I would bling it out, dude. What would you do?

Speaker 3 Bling it out?

Speaker 2 My tail? Yeah. I'd tuck it between my legs.
You'd be a tucker? Yeah. Be a tucker for sure.
Or I'll make the tail look like my penis and then I'll pull it forward. Oh, there you go.

Speaker 2 Would it be hairy, or would it have to just be skin? I would clean it. I'd clean it.

Speaker 2 I'd manscape it. Manscape it? Yeah, I would manscape it, too.
You gotta. Yeah, yeah.
You gotta keep some orderly fashion to that. It's wagging around everywhere.
And also rocket money it.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I definitely would rocket money it. Yeah, yeah.
You know what happens?

Speaker 2 First time you clean it in the shower, you go, hello, fresh. Yeah, yeah.
Look at that. Oh, so some people are born with it still.
Maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe not.

Speaker 2 Wow. Oh, is he wearing a jock strap? Why has he got like a line by his butt cheeks? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Maybe, and it's just chubby.

Speaker 2 What's a chubby baby? That just looks like dough or like a like clay. It doesn't even look real.
You better be careful with your girlfriend. You might have one of these babies with a tail.

Speaker 2 They say you could, it's the higher percentage that you have a baby with a tail if you get married to your high school sweetheart. Oh, great.
What color is your girlfriend?

Speaker 2 What color?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, I get your generation. You guys don't see color.
No, no, no, no. Is that what it is? No, she's the same color as me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. To an Asian accent.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 I can't. You can.
Ruin his entire business career. Oh, yeah.
See, I can't do that. I can't just.
Do this. Haro.

Speaker 2 I dirty hairy. You got permission.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Wait, wait, what was the second? What was the second? I'm Dirty Harry.

Speaker 2 Harold.

Speaker 2 I am Dirty Harry. No.
No. No.
Would I need to do like get a little bit more under it?

Speaker 2 There we go. I am

Speaker 2 Dirty Harry.

Speaker 2 His is immaculate.

Speaker 2 Go. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dirty.
My name is Dirty Harry. Yeah, this is a bad idea to put this kid through this.
All right, last exercise we're going to do. And you can't think about it.

Speaker 2 You're going to go right into it. Okay, go.

Speaker 2 You're doing, you're a college professor,

Speaker 2 and we're a film class, and you talk to us about film

Speaker 2 and you have to introduce your name and all that stuff. Not your real name, make it up, right? Three, two, one, you go.
We're kids. Okay, so welcome class.
My name is Bobby Santino.

Speaker 2 That's a mix of

Speaker 2 Korean and

Speaker 2 Irish.

Speaker 2 My parents are from my mom, from Korea. My dad's from Ireland.
Ironic. I don't know how that works.

Speaker 2 What about film, dude?

Speaker 2 This is getting to know me, right? It's a film class. This is getting to know me, right? What's this guy doing in the film? I don't know.
Let's get into the film, professor. So,

Speaker 2 what kind of film did I do? That's a great question. I couldn't tell you because.
The history of film. Oh, the history of film.
Yeah, and go.

Speaker 2 Blank. I would just walk out.
No, you know,

Speaker 2 you know what I would do? You know how to do improv. Is this LA City coming?

Speaker 2 No, I'm 20 years old. This is Quinnipiat.
You just make it up. You make it up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm part of that group.
Yeah. All right.
Let's bring the other incel in.

Speaker 2 Intern. Intern, I mean.
Oh, yeah. Intern.
Tap it. Tap him in.
Yeah. Oh, look at this guy, dude.
Thank you, Ronaldo. Thank you.
Hey.

Speaker 2 We like him. Yeah, we like him a lot.

Speaker 3 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 2 You know. All right.

Speaker 3 I got to say this because it's been burning me. All right.
Bobby, you always transition with this word A-L-S-O,

Speaker 3 but you pronounce it oh-so.

Speaker 3 And it gets under my skin.

Speaker 2 And now that I've said that, I don't feel more clean. Give me the example of when I said oh-so.
Don't get under this guy's skin.

Speaker 2 Don't want to catch you at a music festival anytime soon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I feel clean now that I said that, so I appreciate appreciate you.

Speaker 2 No, but what I'll give you an example. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 3 Oh, Andrew, also, I am gonna be hanging out with Klila later. You say oh so instead of also.

Speaker 2 Oh, so he's saying you say also with no L. Yeah.
Also.

Speaker 3 I'm not joking, but that's all I got. But yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever noticed that? No, but I do notice that fanny pack, and it's giving me the

Speaker 2 PVG. Let me guess what's in your fanny pack.
You want to guess? Yeah. A Swiss Army knife.
Gun. First thing gun.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. First thing gun.
You know what?

Speaker 3 I actually did bring a gun on here.

Speaker 3 No, just kidding. I scared you.
I scared you.

Speaker 2 I don't know about this guy, dude.

Speaker 2 What's in there? Open up your fan. I'll show you.
By the way, how much does this guy love Asian women?

Speaker 2 A lot. A lot.

Speaker 2 This is the kind of guy that loves Asian women. Yeah, yeah.
It's like everyone you work with. You're going to live in 20 years, the Philippine Islands.

Speaker 2 Are you dating someone right now?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I am.

Speaker 2 Is she Asian?

Speaker 3 She's not, but you know what?

Speaker 3 I'm practicing ethical non-monogamy. So I'm allowed to explore.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 It's called ethical non-monogamy. I'll tell you about it.
So you tell your girlfriend, hey, we're going to sleep with other people.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so basically, if I talk to her, I have open communication.

Speaker 2 I don't like it the way you say that. Well, that's because he's Eastern European.
Not come up.

Speaker 3 No, just kidding.

Speaker 2 He looks like it, though, doesn't he? Where are you from?

Speaker 3 I'm from here, but I'm...

Speaker 3 I have a lot of friends from all over the place, and then I develop fake accents and fake personalities.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Let's do a East European.
That's how we thought they internship. Let's go with, I want to stick with an East European

Speaker 2 accent.

Speaker 3 Hello, Bobby. My name is Jackson.
It's good to meet you, man. I'll tell you what, dude,

Speaker 3 meet me down at the casino. We could play some blackjack.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Pretty good, dude.

Speaker 2 Let's go into another one.

Speaker 3 Another watch.

Speaker 2 Any kind of character these days.

Speaker 3 Hey, dude, what's going on, dude? I'm from North Carolina, and I fly a damn airplane. And, you know, I chew dip on the side of the road sometimes, and I got to spit it out there.

Speaker 3 But the damn raccoons be eating it up, and I don't know what to do at that point, man.

Speaker 2 Okay, good. That's Theo.
Yeah. For sure.
Do you have any suggestions?

Speaker 2 I just hope we're not on a kill list.

Speaker 3 I'm a lover. That's actually my dad.

Speaker 2 That's the first thing they say. All right.

Speaker 2 As they're stabbing you to death. How about this? A sensitive vampire.

Speaker 3 A sensitive vampire. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Ah, there's lights.

Speaker 2 Oh, hey, how's it going?

Speaker 2 No, a sensitive vampire is.

Speaker 2 Would it be okay if I suck your blood?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to impose.
Yeah, that's good.

Speaker 2 Give him another one. Last one.
Give him one last character.

Speaker 2 Shy Bill Cosby.

Speaker 3 I actually saw Bill Cosby before it went crazy, and he's kind of like

Speaker 2 it went crazy.

Speaker 2 I kind of want to eat the hoagie, but I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's pretty good. North Carolina guy, dude.

Speaker 2 What causes your North Carolina? Oh, that makes sense. Wow.

Speaker 2 Can I see your teeth with a smile?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's nice.

Speaker 3 I actually, part of the reason for my body looking so fucked up is I actually called on the show one time to tell you guys about this.

Speaker 3 Is that like I found out that my biological mom is actually my cousin? I called you guys on the phone about that one one time.

Speaker 2 Nobody could tell.

Speaker 3 And that's why I looked at you.

Speaker 2 You're inbred.

Speaker 3 Basically, what happened is my mom who gave birth to me, her eggs were all fucked up. So then they put an egg on my cousin.
So then my whole family tree shifted.

Speaker 3 And I also have a lot of Neanderthal lenses DNA.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 3 dude, that doesn't mean that I can't have a good time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it sounds like your family has a real good time.

Speaker 2 Your mom is your cousin.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so biologically my mom your mother burnt you so it's my great aunt so they use your your mom's cousin's eggs they use my cousin's eggs but it's my mom it my my mother who your mother could her niece put egg and then i spawned and now i'm here ready to rumble

Speaker 2 did anyone regret that your cousin is your mother biologically yes yeah your cousin's your mom your actual mom is the woman who who pushed you out of her body is your cousin. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 That's my great aunt.

Speaker 2 That's his aunt. Oh, wow.
Technically, his, yeah. That would be his, right, that'd be your great aunt.

Speaker 3 But my mom, who pushed me out of her body, she looks up to you because she's in the program and she talks about it and how you're a good influence on the program.

Speaker 2 Where does she live?

Speaker 3 She used to live in L.A. and now she lives in Northern California.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 And you grew up in California?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I grew up in, I was born in Burbank, and then I moved up to Northern California. Then I went on a couple of alien spaceship travel adventures and now I'm back here somehow.
I wound up back here.

Speaker 2 When you say an alien spaceship, do you mean Sandy Hook?

Speaker 2 Listen, man, like I said, get you.

Speaker 3 The only guns I have are these ones, right?

Speaker 2 If you do the gun thing, I swear to fucking God, dude. We're never going to see you again.
No more gun arm jokes.

Speaker 2 I'll show you. I'm not armed.
Don't you know? Don't

Speaker 2 slow down. Slow down, dude.
Show me your hands. Yeah, what does that say?

Speaker 3 I got something here.

Speaker 2 What is that? Hand sanitizer. Hand sanitizer.
Hand sanitizer. Sleeping mask.

Speaker 3 I got a battery pack from the casino. Because I do go.
Yeah, I'm learning poker.

Speaker 2 This guy is unbelievable. What medication are you on, man?

Speaker 3 Dude, I'll tell you. I take a daily dose of good vibes and also anxiety, and then you combine those two.

Speaker 2 You take anxiety medication?

Speaker 3 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 You'll take any medication.

Speaker 3 I am on copious amounts of caffeine. Maybe that's considered.

Speaker 2 How many cups of coffee?

Speaker 3 I drink roughly about 400 milligrams per day, which is about four cups of coffee a day. But if I want to, I'll push the limits.
Maybe there's an assignment I got to deal with.

Speaker 3 You know, maybe 600, 800. We're pushing, you know, but my heart is pumping, so I'm alive and I'm.

Speaker 2 It would do that without the coffee.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it just goes a little faster.

Speaker 2 It certainly does. How many times have you been at Burning Man?

Speaker 3 Dude, I've never been, but I've gone to a couple of raves here and there. I like to turn up, but I'm sober at the raves, which is funny.

Speaker 3 All my friends are like rolling and tripping out, and I'm just like pumping my fist on caffeine.

Speaker 2 Stop waving those guns around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's scaring us. Wait a minute.
So you're sober completely, yeah?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 For the most part, I like to live a sober lifestyle, but I because of all the addiction in my family and stuff. But I've never actually been sober.
I like whiskey.

Speaker 3 I've been trying to experiment a little bit, but I'm not like drunk. I'm just for the flavor, like an old man.
And I'm 23.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Well, how's the dating life?

Speaker 3 It's great. Like I said, ethical non-monogamy.
It's a lot of fun.

Speaker 2 You have a girlfriend, but you're practicing ethical non-monogamy. Yeah.
Okay. So

Speaker 2 they're hooking up with other people. And is she allowed to? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does she tell you about it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, she does. And she's bisexual, so it's mostly women, which is a good time for me.

Speaker 2 That's the dream.

Speaker 3 But, you know.

Speaker 2 You guys live together?

Speaker 3 I, no.

Speaker 3 Not yet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because that's one thing to send.
Well, it'd be hard to live together and fuck so many other people. I mean, if get a camera set up in her place.

Speaker 2 I trust her. No.
Well, she tells me. My feeling is

Speaker 2 it's bad. Why? She tells him.

Speaker 3 They tell each other. She tells me.

Speaker 3 Does she show you photos of the guys? We respect each other. And it's like I said, it's mostly women.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's mostly women. Because I don't have that.
I don't think so. My gut says it's mostly men.

Speaker 2 Well, and real men.

Speaker 3 I know you're also you were had a pass with Ozempig and stuff so maybe your gut might be a little wrong here but I don't know I respect I respect he's a doctor dude I knew it dude I'm actually thinking about getting texting the cops

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Speaker 3 Nah, the only threat I am is to if you're having a bad time, you're going to be having a good time. And that's not a sexual induendo.

Speaker 2 Those lines work still with women?

Speaker 3 Yeah, dude, my best line with women is like, look, is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. It's a working, it goes 10 out of 10, you know.
Their legs are trembling.

Speaker 2 You hear a clam getting wet.

Speaker 2 We're going to die today.

Speaker 2 This is it. When we looked at each other, we knew we were going to die today.
Yeah. Thank you.
My God. Don't kill us, please.
What do you plan on doing when you get older?

Speaker 3 I like the bad food.

Speaker 2 What's your goal?

Speaker 3 My goal in life or what?

Speaker 2 No, in somebody else's life, maybe Harry Truman. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Harry S. Truman.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 What's your goal in life? My goal in life is to make enough money that I don't have to worry about bills. How much money is that? That's maybe $100,000 a year.
That's a good level for me.

Speaker 3 And then I just want to make cool art and enjoy the world and practice mindfulness and creativity. I want to also make movies.
I'm in film school right now.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what? I bet you he's a better director than you are, bud.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 I trust him before you, bud.

Speaker 2 I don't. I can direct.

Speaker 2 Can you get financing?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I can get financing. Sometimes it's a little little under the table.

Speaker 3 You know, it's Hollywood.

Speaker 2 This kid is from the Eastern Bloc.

Speaker 2 He's not from Burbank. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This kid is from the Eastern Bloc. There's no doubt about it.
Inland Empire. The way he talks, there's little Russian in the background.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's a little bit of a bunch of people. He's got a little sneak in there.
Where were you really born?

Speaker 3 I was born in Burbank, California.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Burbank, Kosovo. Like I said.

Speaker 2 I hear it, dude.

Speaker 3 I was born in Burbank, Moscow.

Speaker 2 Burbank, Kosovo.

Speaker 2 Say gulag. Gulag, welcome to the Gulag.
Call of Duty, man. You play.
See? Let's get it, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how they talk. I know.
There's something about them, though. Good meme, bro.

Speaker 2 Are you good or bad? I think there's a combination of both. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Bobby, I've seen you one time like polling in real life. I saw you at the comedy store, and you were getting mobbed by a lot of women.
And I was like, good on you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Did you say anything to me that night?

Speaker 3 No, I just watched it from a distance.

Speaker 3 I said hi, but you're busy, bro.

Speaker 3 You're busy, you know, navigating the precious.

Speaker 2 Well, my friends are there, so you know. Let's go over preventing gun violence here.
Let's signs of a shooter, critical signs. Yeah, yeah.
Number one: suddenly withdraw from zoom in, please.

Speaker 2 Okay. Do you withdraw from friends and activities?

Speaker 3 No. Very social.

Speaker 2 Pretty social, yeah. Excessive irritability.
Yeah, that one's up there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like one time I heard fireworks going off and I just hit the deck. I thought it was something else.

Speaker 2 This for sure. Experiencing chronic loneliness or or social isolation.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I play games, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 On the internet, making direct threats towards a place, another person, or themselves. You ever done that?

Speaker 3 Only the haters.

Speaker 2 There you go. Do you have any guns or at home?

Speaker 3 No, just samurai sword.

Speaker 2 Number 10 is worse. That's a dangerous one.
That's worse. Cruelty to animals.
Have you ever been mean to any animals?

Speaker 3 No, I love animals. Good.
Then you're cruel.

Speaker 2 I really do love animals. That is the testament for me.
If you're in a dream.

Speaker 3 I just moved in with some little wiener dogs.

Speaker 2 And they. What do you mean? They had an apartment and they put out an ad.

Speaker 2 Four little wiener dogs put out a fucking.

Speaker 3 So the wiener dogs, they look nice, but then they are fairly football-shaped.

Speaker 2 In need of human roommate who will pick up poop, get us food, and also pick up our poop. Please walk us.

Speaker 2 But it's kind of like a football.

Speaker 3 And I didn't want to hurt the dogs, but it's just one of those.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's my dog.

Speaker 2 How many dogs are in the house?

Speaker 3 There's three.

Speaker 3 And then me, of course, because I'm an animal. I'm a creature feature.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 My guy, for sure, you will. Hide your kids, hide your wife.

Speaker 3 Because they're going to fall in love, dude.

Speaker 2 That's why you got to hide them.

Speaker 2 Well, because, you know, they'll end up a member of the family of the family, you know?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm going to say. Also,

Speaker 2 thank you. How's your...
Also, also, awesome. Thank you.
That didn't play, but anyway, I'm

Speaker 2 bombing today.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, you're a very interesting guy, dude. Consensual nominal.
I'm an open book. I think

Speaker 2 he could be in the crew. Just promises you won't kill us.
I won't kill you. I promise.
Ever.

Speaker 3 I'll defend you with my life. Yeah.
If there's a rhino coming down the road, I will not be able to stop it, but I'll try.

Speaker 2 Where are we with the rhino? I don't know. I'm not the only Burbank rhinos.
You never know. There are rhinos in Burbank.

Speaker 3 Have you seen Babylon, dude? They've got animals hooking off trucks every day.

Speaker 3 So, who knows? There's a stray rhino. I'll defend you, Bobby.
I won't stop it, but I'll try.

Speaker 2 You don't, I like you. Thank you.
I like you. What's that? You like him?

Speaker 2 You know, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do like him. I do.
I do like him. Yeah, yeah.
There's something special about him. Yeah.
You know, I feel like he's got something extra, like a chromosome or something. That's for sure.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And do you have brothers and sisters?

Speaker 3 Oh, that's where it gets complicated, right?

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 2 We don't want to go down. No, no, I do.

Speaker 2 I want to hear the complication.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you. So I got one brother, and

Speaker 2 he's my dad.

Speaker 2 And I have an uncle

Speaker 2 who's also my brother.

Speaker 2 You're not going to believe this. My sister is my mom.
Yeah. My cousin

Speaker 2 is my dog. Yeah, is my dog.
Yeah, yeah. What is it? Tell us.

Speaker 3 And DNA is a double helix.

Speaker 2 That is true. Okay.

Speaker 3 It gets complicated.

Speaker 2 Tell me about your family life. I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.

Speaker 3 So I had a brother. I always knew he was my brother.

Speaker 2 I always knew he was my brother.

Speaker 3 I have him still.

Speaker 3 He is 13 years older than me, and he's an interesting fellow. He's going to be moving to Thailand.
He's a DJ, but he still lives with his mom and stuff.

Speaker 2 But he's cool. He's moving to Thailand.
He's also a DJ. But why else would you go to Thailand? Call the FBI, dude.

Speaker 2 No, dude. That's who moves to Thailand.
DJs. And then.
DJ Island.

Speaker 3 This is the cool part or the crazy part is that essentially my second cousins, who I thought were just some distant ass relatives, they're my biological siblings now.

Speaker 2 Dude, dude, it's

Speaker 2 hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 3 White trash bag.

Speaker 2 So, Urbank, who would have known? Where do you live in North Carolina? We're in Northern California.

Speaker 3 I used to live an hour north of San Francisco.

Speaker 3 So that's out in the wine country. It's called Santa Rosa.

Speaker 2 Lodi, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so then there's a lot of animals out there. I probably got some brain damage.
One time I drank a puddle.

Speaker 2 I drank a puddle for $5.

Speaker 3 Because you know, when you're a kid, $5, $5.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I drank a puddle, and then now I'm here.

Speaker 2 Drank a brain-eating amoeba.

Speaker 2 And even the amoeba got up there and was like, not much that you had. That's crazy.
Crazy. I'm just going to hang out for a while.
What else have you eaten and drinking that?

Speaker 3 Besides mounting bodily fluids on accident a couple times.

Speaker 2 A couple times. Yeah, yeah.
Like your pee? One time, shame on me. Two times, I like to taste the pee.

Speaker 3 Players fuck up, man. That's what happens.

Speaker 2 happens. Yeah, players gotta play.
Players fuck up. Yeah, players gotta play.

Speaker 2 Wow. But fancy, get it out clean if you're gonna get it out.
God, every time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think you're rubbing off on me, dude. Like, I don't even know what to do.
I've never stumbled like this. I know.
It's you, dude.

Speaker 3 So, Bobby, I was wondering, can you give me some advice? I'm trying to learn

Speaker 3 on how to just be out in the world, like, in this crazy world.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 So, I think you need more flames

Speaker 2 on your body. You're right.
Like flamey pants.

Speaker 3 Like on fire? Or like.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know, like, you know, flame stitchings on your jeans. Yeah, he means like Guy Fieri.

Speaker 3 Yeah. I met Guy Fieri.

Speaker 2 Go on. Doesn't surprise me.
Go on. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So that, I think you need some chain mail.

Speaker 3 Chain mail. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's pretty cumbersome. What?

Speaker 2 Chain, an entire bodysuit of chain? Just a chest chain mail.

Speaker 3 I was considering going to the Ren Fair, and I saw you were out there, and I was thinking, you know,

Speaker 3 maybe I should get some chain mail out there.

Speaker 2 How'd you meet Guy Fiery?

Speaker 3 Uh, I'll tell you, I was a DJ technician, so I was setting up cables.

Speaker 2 Do you have technicians?

Speaker 3 They always put me in the grunt work, so I was out in the dark freaking setting up cables, and then they were having some kind of Salvation Army event, uh, donation, and Guy Fear is walking around, so I said, What's up?

Speaker 3 I took a picture with him, and then my boss got mad at me, but I took it on the chin because I'm not a beta male, I don't tuck my tail as we were were talking before.

Speaker 2 Whoa,

Speaker 2 shots at me. I'm ready to rumble.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that the biggest celebrity you've ever met?

Speaker 3 The biggest celebrity that I ever met

Speaker 3 is

Speaker 3 probably

Speaker 3 PewDiePie, who's one of the biggest YouTubers.

Speaker 2 I don't know who that is.

Speaker 3 Actually, no, you know what? The biggest celebrity I've ever met is Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 That's true. Dude, what's his name? Andersantino.
I saw Bobby Lee

Speaker 2 in the border. That would have been great.

Speaker 2 Enough. All right.
He looks just like you. Yeah.
But you met him. Are his cousins married? Dude.

Speaker 2 If I asked him, do you remember... Oh, hell no.
Oh, I remember him. Yeah.
He freed me out.

Speaker 2 I mean, how obviously foreign is this guy? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's from Sweden.
Yeah, no shit. Yeah, Javla, you know.
See? You look just like this fucking guy, dude.

Speaker 3 Hey, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 2 You do. Doesn't he look like this guy? Am I sure? The same type of guy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so going along with the style, like flames on the pants. What else should I do? I'm trying to up my, you know, I'm a new one.

Speaker 2 I'll be honest with you, with your look, I could see him in Game of Thrones or something. You know what I mean? Like a weasel or something, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you do have, you are kind of oddly good-looking in a weird way. Nope.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're not seeing it.

Speaker 2 I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He looks like a nice guy. Like a Jude Law.
But Jude Law was in an accident. He looks like Jude Law.
Yeah, look up Jude Law.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you, though, you mentioned Weasel, and I like to consider myself a certified lawyer.

Speaker 2 A young Jude Law. A young lawyer.

Speaker 3 So, like, I'd be loitering around, waiting, weaseling out, you know.

Speaker 2 I don't think he looks anything like that.

Speaker 2 Quiet. Those are old Jude Laws.

Speaker 3 Oh, dang.

Speaker 2 I think I'm wrong.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no. Like, there, boom.
Nope. There you are, dude.
Yeah, see, look at. Oh, no, it's more Romulan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it's a Romulan, as I was thinking. Yeah, wow.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think that I did have a cameo in Game of Thrones. I was one of those guys who just instantly got archer down.
I fell off the wall. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you being real? No. Oh.

Speaker 2 Couldn't tell? No. No.
He's confusing. He is.
Yeah, yeah. He is confusing.
All right, bud. Well, you know, we

Speaker 2 very good interview. Thank you.
Do you remember his name?

Speaker 2 Do you? Do you remember his name? He said it three times.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you a good question. No, give me the first initial.
Give him a hint.

Speaker 3 First initial. Jay.

Speaker 2 Jay.

Speaker 3 Jay is the. No.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. Jason.

Speaker 2 Jake.

Speaker 3 It's partly Jason.

Speaker 2 Jackson. Yep.

Speaker 3 There you go. Now, you know who to call the cops about, am I right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. I do this guy.
I got it. I love this guy.

Speaker 3 Don't give me a restraining order because, like I said, I speak a lot of languages, but my favorite language is the language of love. And

Speaker 3 I'm not here to

Speaker 2 so much.

Speaker 3 I also speak Jigglypuff.

Speaker 2 Hey-oh, hum.

Speaker 2 What's Jigglypuff?

Speaker 3 The Pokemon.

Speaker 2 Do it more.

Speaker 3 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 3 Jigglypuff? Yeah, do more, please.

Speaker 2 Jigglypuff goes hard.

Speaker 3 I don't know if you've seen, but.

Speaker 2 Give me what you can do, Jigglypuff. Give me an YouTube.
Give me what he sounds like.

Speaker 2 Alright, I'll turn it off.

Speaker 2 I can't do it. He's saying, oh, Jigglypuff.

Speaker 2 That's literally what I'm saying. Oh, jiggly puff.
Oh, tickly puff.

Speaker 3 I'm not gay, but I just felt something.

Speaker 2 Did you feel something? Dude, you're irritating me, man. Yep.

Speaker 2 Look at my eyes.

Speaker 2 No, don't. Look at me in the eye.
Oh, jiggly puff.

Speaker 2 Dude, this guy reminds me of when we would do fan meet and greets. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this guy would show off. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he'd be like, dude, Andrew, I'm sorry, but I I just, I love Bobby so much. And I'd go, I know, dude.
Andrew,

Speaker 2 I know who your fans are.

Speaker 2 I know who your fans are. Give them some compliments.
No, no, no. I don't want any.

Speaker 2 I got to be honest with you. I can tell who your fans are.
What do I say? Well, from a mile away, when they come up, I go, Bobby's fan.

Speaker 2 Hardcore Bobby's fan.

Speaker 3 I actually really like your stand-up comedy. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I love you.

Speaker 2 Let him finish. Let him finish.
No, I love you, buddy.

Speaker 2 I could just tell from my

Speaker 2 shut up, Andrew. Go ahead, finish.

Speaker 3 So I love your stand-up comedy. It's really witty.
Thanks. And I've never seen your pubes on stage or anything like that.

Speaker 2 No?

Speaker 3 Like another comedian who I've probably seen.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's what it is. He's connecting your pubes.

Speaker 2 Stand up and show him your pubes. Would you like some to take home? Give him something to take home.
Can we get some scissors real fast?

Speaker 2 Do you have any scissors? Would you take some home? Give him some to-go pubes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Isn't that sick? Yeah.
Oh, not a knife. Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 2 A knife, dude. Get scissors, fuckhead.
Well, give me that knife. No, no, no, dude, don't cut yourself.
Yeah, I don't want that. No, no, don't do that.

Speaker 2 No, you'll cut yourself.

Speaker 3 Don't get the scissors.

Speaker 2 Yeah, here we go. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 Well, I have to sing the song while we're doing it.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jerry Go. I do it.
I do it.

Speaker 2 I do it. Oh, shit.
Giggly pop.

Speaker 2 I'm on my way.

Speaker 2 I don't have any pubes. Yeah, you do.
Look. Yeah, there's some there.
You got to go to your nutsack. Go close to your nutsack.

Speaker 2 Be careful, bud.

Speaker 3 You do it then.

Speaker 2 Put your ball sack out. You do it then.

Speaker 2 The ball sack is shaving clean. There's nothing? No.
Get this section right here. Oh, no, it's so close to your penis.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 See, how do you grab it though? That's the problem. You scoop it off your chest there.
Can you choose to scoop it up? I can't. Come here, buddy.
You got to get these. I'll come.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, back up. Sit back up.
All right. We'll deliver to you.

Speaker 3 Understood.

Speaker 2 i understood the assignment now you could you could you know what you could do you could sniff these scissors hey man i drank a puddle so anything for money at this point what would you do i have a hundred bucks in my pocket what would you do for a hundred bucks i'd do anything for a hundred bucks from bobby lee man except some some uh sexual acts that no we're not doing that we're not doing that how about how about brown nose him brown nose him lay on the ground you gotta stick your his nose in your butthole

Speaker 3 I'm down for some experimentation, right?

Speaker 2 Take this in your butthole. This is monogamous, not monogamous.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, everybody's monogamous. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 3 I'll give you some insight just because I like you guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, thanks, brother. Thank, brother.
All right.

Speaker 3 I've tried some kind of stuff along those lines before, and you know what? It's pretty fun, dude. And look, I'm telling you, man.

Speaker 2 Well, give me that thing.

Speaker 3 There you go, dude. I'm secure in my masculinity, dude.

Speaker 2 But listen.

Speaker 2 But listen, dude.

Speaker 3 When Baltimore is coming for me, dude, in both ways, you know.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Dog,

Speaker 3 it's a little bit of a cursed object. So, I only like, you know, made objects, and that doesn't have a good enough flared base, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Can you do a handstand?

Speaker 3 I could do a cartwheel, but it's pretty mid.

Speaker 2 I don't want to see you break. How about this? Do just pop locking for a minute.
Pop locking? What do you do for us, by the way? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is he an intern for us?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm an intern. I think a lot of research, and

Speaker 3 I got to come here.

Speaker 2 This is tight. What do you do for us?

Speaker 2 Same thing. Do you guys get along? Are you guys over at 7 Eckies?

Speaker 2 You guys are tight?

Speaker 2 So, George hired you.

Speaker 2 Bryce. Bryce or Lane.

Speaker 3 It was one of them, but

Speaker 2 Bobby, can I say something? Not on me.

Speaker 2 I object to this.

Speaker 3 Bobby, I try to walk up to you one time in real life and I try to give you my resume. I'm not even joking.
And that was a bad mistake on my part. Very bad.

Speaker 2 Players fuck up, like I said.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't do that anymore because of McCone. Remember what you did to me there?

Speaker 2 What did I say?

Speaker 3 You said,

Speaker 3 nah, I'm going to lose it in my car. And then you went to go,

Speaker 2 let's get some more. That's pretty accurate.
Beautiful women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The guy gets beautiful women.

Speaker 2 Guess what? Guess what, dude? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jackson.

Speaker 3 Hey, thank you.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 From now on, I'll say hi to you. We know each other now.
Hell yeah. No, you.
You'll forget. No, I will know Jackson.
We met there before. I have to warn all the other comics.

Speaker 2 Like, clear the hallway. He's here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm sort of a creature feature, and people always think they know me.

Speaker 3 They've seen me around. They probably have, because, like I said, I'm a loiterer, but.

Speaker 2 A creature feature is the type of film, typically horror science fiction, where the monster supernatural creature is the main antagonist.

Speaker 3 Well, guys, if you're talking about the paradigmality of the film industry, all right, I'll tell you a thing or two about there's different genres.

Speaker 3 You got to pay mind of the mesels and all of that kind of stuff is quite important. So I was not quite referring to the creature feature per se, but you know, that is a good genre.

Speaker 2 See, this could be a PSA for inbreeding.

Speaker 2 How dangerous it really gets. It really is dangerous.
Don't fuck your cousin.

Speaker 3 I thought you were going to be talking about like everyone should do it.

Speaker 2 No, but

Speaker 2 get off the boat. No way, guys.

Speaker 2 Dude, I got to tell you, Jackson, Jackson Hull,

Speaker 2 you're an interesting guy. Interesting guy.

Speaker 2 You've got a bright future. Like, the baby, if I hire anyone to babysit my kids, it would be this guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this cat. This cat seems normal.
I'd hire you to

Speaker 2 landscape. You hired him.
No, fuck him. I care about that.
But landscaping in North Dakota.

Speaker 2 Far up, far up. Yeah, yeah.
I know I live in, you know what I mean, LA, but go to North Dakota. Have you ever done manual labor? Dude, I have.

Speaker 3 They put me to work, man. Like I said, I was a DJ technician, so I carried a lot of speakers and stuff.

Speaker 3 But then there's like situations where you just go off a Craigslist ad, and they're like, we got some machetes. Can you just go cut some shit? And then.
What would you go cut?

Speaker 3 Dude, you cut bamboo, you cut whatever.

Speaker 2 And I. Was that you? You did that? You hired him to do that?

Speaker 2 What else did you go cut? My pandas were hungry.

Speaker 2 You got to feed them. They can't just not eat.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Did you know that bamboo is technically the largest grass?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. We didn't need to know that, but I do know that.

Speaker 3 I'm like an encyclopedia, dude.

Speaker 2 I know

Speaker 3 every single thing. If you want any information, I'll tell you how to.
I'll tell you.

Speaker 2 What do giraffes eat? I'll tell you.

Speaker 3 Giraffes, they eat the conifer tree because

Speaker 2 it

Speaker 3 is quite high up and it's very nutritious as far as the photosynthesis goes within the plant and the second half was bullshit.

Speaker 2 Ask him another one.

Speaker 2 Describe to me

Speaker 2 give me the scientific explanation of why fish can breathe underwater, how gills work.

Speaker 3 Alright, so listen, there's a fish, right?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Good start.

Speaker 3 You've eaten a couple of sashimi, but they can also be our friends.

Speaker 3 So you see a fish, and as the trajectory of the fish cuts through the water in the perfect angle the oxygen is absorbed in the gills yeah so for us that's like uh i don't know maybe if you're 69ing and you just get a second and you get a fresh of breath air oh that's what it feels like when the fish swims through the water at the perfect trajectory it's getting that extra air in you know but if you take them out the water dude you're back underneath and you gotta hold your breath again.

Speaker 2 I know who you are now. Who else? The fucked up Willem Dafoe.

Speaker 2 Dude, and I also have the big punishing. Can you see it? Can you see it?

Speaker 3 Just kidding. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There is something about him that's Willem Dafoe-eh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Actually, not now. You're way worse.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude. Do that smile.

Speaker 3 AI is going to fix.

Speaker 3 AI is going to fix me, dude. Pretty soon, it's going to be like one of those video games.
You just customize your character.

Speaker 3 I can add a couple of inches to my height, you know, maybe lose the fucking

Speaker 3 expect a patron on that hole. Am I right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're muting you now. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, Jackson Hole.
Jackson Hole, thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 2 I think you're a fantastic.

Speaker 2 Okay, you don't have to bow to me. Sorry.

Speaker 2 I was polite. Oh,

Speaker 2 polite.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Jackson Hole. Thank you, Jackson Hall.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Jackson. Jackson, that's not because it's not screwed in.
No, no, that's not your fault.

Speaker 2 Mako didn't put the weight back on the fucking. It's okay.

Speaker 2 Thanks, Jackson. What a guy.
Where do we go from there? I don't know. What a guy, though.

Speaker 2 Interesting guy. And that was wild.
He is wild. Should we fire him? No, I kind of want to keep him.
Only one more month. Really? And we got to get him a job, I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think we got to get him a job. And then what?

Speaker 2 What are we going to make him do here? Landscaping.

Speaker 2 yeah in north dakota i like this guy they're both of them i liked they're both great yeah we've we've we've done a great job having a good crew of interns come through this show

Speaker 2 what he wants a job you want a job okay

Speaker 2 he wants a job what are we gonna do he just begged oh that was so sad okay yeah give him money i'm gonna give him a hundred money yeah should i do it now yeah make him come get it come here guys

Speaker 2 you're gonna think it's fight for me no no no here's some money for you are you serious yeah Because I actually am not paid at all.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's money. Just have a dinner.
Nice dinner for you guys. Are you sure?

Speaker 3 Thank you so much.

Speaker 3 That genuinely means a lot.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 That's very nice. I don't shake hands, but.
Thank you. Do you want to spray the linen? No, no.
Back the fuck up, bro.

Speaker 3 One day?

Speaker 2 No day.

Speaker 2 No day.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You deserve that. You deserve it.

Speaker 2 You guys deserve that. You guys are both fantastic.
Thank you so much. You change their day.
You see what you do? That's like five Chipotles

Speaker 2 visits.

Speaker 2 Can I do like a little

Speaker 2 Larry King out for this? Yeah, please. Here's the deal.
What we've learned today

Speaker 2 is the levels of which Bobby Lee's

Speaker 2 depth of love in the public eye goes deeper than any of us ever anticipated. He's able to reach out and shape lives he's not even really connected to.
We learned that Jackson's mom,

Speaker 2 cousin, sister, brother,

Speaker 2 needed help with sobriety, found it through you and your humor and who you are and your commitment to the program. And we learned that Barnacle.
That's his name? Yeah, Barnacle. Diego.
Diego.

Speaker 2 Diego. Oh, Diego.
Like Sam, Diego. Yeah, I know.
We learned that Diego. No, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy. Bob, you got any final words for the kids? No.

Speaker 2 Absolutely not. Thank you for being a bad friend.