Dead Dad's w/ Harland Williams

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

I'm going to get Botox.

Don't, please don't get Botox.

Yeah, I'm getting Botox.

I have to.

Why?

Because I look old now.

It's catching up.

And timeout.

I know exactly where this started.

Where?

Do you guys know where this started?

McCone was with me.

Yeah.

I know where it started.

That photo you posted.

I posted a photo on my story.

That angle never again, dude.

Brother, it looks like you.

I look like a shrinking frog.

You are

it was not good.

I thought the bags, the liver spots, I got to get Botox.

You don't have liver spots.

I do.

Look at on the sides.

Those are freckles, dude.

Oh, they're gigantic freckles.

Samoan freckles.

That's what I have on my face.

Yeah, Samoa freckle.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, that's what I'm going to look like.

Yeah, the oil London, right?

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think people would notice if I got Botox.

I think they would.

Should I

do AI Bobby with Bobby Lee with Botox?

Can we see that?

But if I get Botox, new rule, you can't make fun of me.

You can't make fun of me, dude.

Old rule.

Yes, I can.

Okay.

Old rule.

No, of course, I won't make fun of you if,

first of all, you're not going to get Botox.

I am.

No, you're not.

Where would you get it?

Korea.

No, I'm saying where on your face.

Oh, my God.

My eyes, like the puffiness on the sides here, the lips, a little bit.

Don't you just want to age gracefully?

Don't you just want to age gracefully?

Because you're doing a great job.

Everybody thinks you're 40.

No one knows you're about to turn 54 years old.

Nobody knows that, except for everybody that's listening to the show right now.

I know, but you know what happens to Asians, right?

What?

The old rule.

What's the old rule?

One night.

One night.

Long ago.

Long ago.

I went to sleep.

What happened?

I woke up as Yoda.

Oh, you think you're going to turn into Yoda?

I'm going to turn to Yoda one day.

Okay, then if you get it, we're all getting it.

That's it.

No, here's the thing, okay?

Because Richie needs it it too.

Look at his face.

Yeah, but he's always old, 22, 23.

How old he was.

24.

Just turn 24.

Yeah, right.

That's right.

We asked.

Yeah.

But think about it and give it some good perspective.

Yoda was so wise.

Everybody went to him for advice.

But I don't know shit.

I don't know anything.

Yes, you do.

Ask me something.

Ask me

how many floors is the Empire State Building?

I don't know.

Well, neither do I.

Oh, all right.

You're fine.

Give me a capital or a city and a state, and I think I'm going to give you the state.

Easy.

Okay, go.

Country or you want here?

A city and a state, and I'll tell you what the state is.

Okay,

what is the capital?

No, not the capital.

Just give me a city.

Wait, wouldn't he give you any city?

Yeah, yeah.

Albany.

Albany, New Mexico.

It's new.

New York.

Albany, New York.

That was a tough one.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Give me another one.

Give me another one.

Springfield.

Ohio.

Well, there is one there for sure.

There's one in every state.

Okay, well, that's a trick one.

Okay.

How about this?

Sacramento?

California.

Come on.

Okay.

Lubbock.

Texas.

Very good.

Zizzix.

Izzix?

Zizix.

London.

England.

No, that's here.

Izzix?

What's it?

It's XXYXX.

Zizix?

It's in.

Oh, that's a good one.

You've seen it.

It's in the desert.

I saw it in the desert once.

Zizix?

Zizix.

But that's a road, not a city.

I think it's a city.

Yeah.

It's a city.

Zizix, formerly Soda Springs, is an unincorporated town in San Bernardino County.

By the way, I heard it was a developmental town for a rehab clinic, and it never took off.

Fun Tang.

That's got to be China.

Yeah, I made it up.

Funtang?

Yeah, it could be anywhere.

Sounds like a Chinese town.

That was my nickname.

Welcome to Fu Tang.

That was your nickname in high school, Fun Tang.

All right, well, I know something.

Look, you know a lot of things.

All right.

Give me a random thing that maybe you might not think that I know.

How about like

give me the name of the of the first album released?

Oh my God.

It's panic already.

You know music so well.

Yeah, I don't know.

Give me the first album released by

trying to think of something easy.

What?

Talking heads.

Talking Heads.

Talking Heads, 1977.

Perfect.

See, you know a lot of stuff.

I mean, you have to lead me to it, but we'll get there.

How about

Metallica's first album?

Oh, that's good.

I don't know.

What is it?

Kill them all, I think.

Was that the first album?

Kill them all.

Ron McGovney 82 Garage Demo.

Kill them all.

Full album.

Yeah.

Boom.

Thank you.

Got it.

Thank the Lord.

You know a lot of stuff, dude.

Did you know anything?

Richie, did you know any of those?

No.

I didn't know anything.

I know what you'll know.

What was REM's first album?

Look at your face.

Come on.

You know this.

Losing your religion.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the one.

That's the one?

Yeah, that's not the first album.

That's not the first one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Richie, are you wearing a sweater?

I am wearing a sweater.

It's like 94 outside.

But doesn't he look like a college rock band bassist?

He looks like a guy who's tinkering away with microchips in a basement okay and we don't know if he's on our team or against us yet i think he looked like mike mills from the rem by the way richie looks like every guy from a band in the 90s yeah

every band oh yeah you kind of do look like him dude you're that type of white do you think i could rock those shades no no no yeah yeah no you can't even rock the glasses you're wearing right now i'm actually allergic to them to glasses to these glasses what do you mean you're allergic to them i just found out so i'm allergic to metal now so it's like i i and i these were my backup so i broke my plastic pair And then when I put these on, now like my ears all.

Can we cut to commercial right now or something?

Wait a minute.

You're allergic to metal?

I've never heard of that in my life.

Yeah, so I just found out this myself.

Contacts.

Use contacts.

I don't have any contacts.

Oh, you can't afford them?

No, I just, I didn't like how I put them in my eye.

It hurt.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, so

people,

metal allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis called delayed hypersensitivity reaction.

Wow.

So what happens?

What's going to happen to you with these on?

I don't know.

I just got a bumpy ear, and I got to figure that out.

Oh, but you're a hypochondriac.

Yeah.

The bump on your ear has nothing to do with the glasses on your face.

What's it from?

Should you tell him or no?

I knew him with listening.

It's from Fun Tang.

It was from a little bit too much fun tang.

You're going to end up with bumps on your face.

But I like a little fun tang.

Careful, Richie.

Richie.

Okay, you're not.

We're not.

When's the last time you had fun tang, Richie?

Yeah, when's the last time you got some fun tang?

I like the fun tang.

No, no, when's the last time you had fun tang, Richie?

When was the last time you had some fun tang?

Funtang, like two or so weeks ago.

Funtang.

What's the definition of fun tang, Richie?

Funtang.

It's a food.

It's like noodles.

Oh, okay.

Well, it is a noodle for you, for sure.

That's right.

Let me reword it.

Word it.

Can I reword?

Yeah.

When's the last time you got some actual?

Actual.

Yeah.

When's the last time you got laid, Rich?

Like, probably this month, but like earlier in the month, like end of, or beginning of July, roughly.

Oh, the beginning of July.

One time?

Yeah, just once.

Yeah.

We do our best.

I have like.

Who's we?

Uh-uh.

You and your clan.

Him and his penis.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

So

was this a one-time...

Do you do one-night stands?

Are you only...

I do, but L.A.

is weird.

It's like, I don't like the one-night stands, and I feel like people

lean more towards that, but I'm more against it.

I'm in the search of relationship, but people don't want it.

We're going to find you love.

I'm going to find you love.

Yeah, I do think you deserve a really good, a good relationship.

Oh, thank you.

You know who loves one-night stands?

Carlos is the king of one-night stands.

You can teach him a lot.

Are you not?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Yeah, why is that unfortunate?

Do you want a relationship now?

Yeah, it's just been years and years of.

Are you a good kisser, Carlos?

I think I'm good, yeah.

I gotta be honest with you.

Yeah, great kisser.

Really?

He's a great kisser.

He's a kiss.

Yeah, you guys.

You and I, yeah, but we've not open-mouthed.

Yeah.

A little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys have kissed.

What I do is I don't go

tongue first.

I don't do bonsai style.

Yeah, I don't do Pearl Harbor.

Oh, right.

I don't do sneak attacks.

You don't do Mikazi.

No, I make the noise.

And then I

go back.

Oh, you back off.

I back off, right?

I don't actually hit Pearl Harbor.

Right.

You pull up.

Pull up.

I pull up.

I'm that coward.

Remember in Godzilla minus one?

The guy who couldn't do it?

I'm that guy.

He just couldn't do it.

No, he didn't do it.

He bailed.

I would have been that guy, too.

Me too.

By the way, you're in a plane.

You can't catch me.

I'm gone.

I know, but you still have.

Where are you?

I know.

But in Godzilla minus one, he had to land at an airfield.

And he's like, oh, my plane's broke.

And he was like, you're not broke.

No.

Perfect condition.

It is a perfect condition.

But I think I would go pretty close and then pull up.

Well, and you would just say it's a mechanical error.

I couldn't do it.

A check button.

Right.

But then you're out over the ocean.

No, then you swim to Hawaii and go, I'm Hawaii.

Yeah, that's true.

Why can't they say they're Hawaiian?

They kind of look Hawaiian.

Well, there's certainly a ton of people.

There were Japanese people in Hawaii.

Yeah, yeah.

So you'd fit in.

I guess that makes perfect sense.

You think there's a story of a guy.

That's a movie we need to write for Bobby.

The one kamikaze who didn't do it.

Yeah.

And he ended up living in Hawaii, like becoming the king of one of the small little islands.

There's no...

And then.

What?

What?

Yeah.

There were no kings back then.

It's a made-up.

Okay.

You become a king of a little tiny island, and then

someone.

an ex an ex-military after years later, 30 years down the road,

me.

Yeah.

I'm suspicious.

I come to this little island.

I marry a Hawaiian, and I'm like, who is this guy?

Mami?

Yeah, who are you?

Gilbert, you're King Gilbert, huh?

King Gilbert of Ninth.

There's generation, generation of really.

Well, there's a rumor that you bailed as a kamikasi pilot.

That's kind of being spread around.

Look at my hair.

Carpo tunnel, both hands.

Oh, you can't fly.

I can't fly.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

All right.

Well, God bless you, King Gilbert.

And then, cut to an hour later, I'm trucking off for Christmas.

And then you catch me.

He can use his hands.

Yeah.

Dude, this is good.

And then you need my my help and I need your help.

Yeah, like in Titanic, for instance.

I think I would have gotten off that boat pretty quickly.

You'd be so dead.

Well, I'd probably be bottom, though.

You and I.

Your upper deck.

The Irish?

No, dude.

We were in the basement.

Bottom deck.

I think the Irish were like...

The Irish were held in the basement, right?

Yeah.

We were down low.

Down low.

I would climb over people.

You know what's so funny to think about that?

Like when they say, like,

there's no order and chaos, like, I would have killed so many people to survive.

What were the Asians doing down there, though?

What were their jobs, you think?

Probably scooping coal into the fire to make the boat engine, right?

Hey, Chan, we got a free trip.

Where?

Where to?

I don't know where we're going in the Arctic, but you know what?

All we have to do is put the coal in the team.

And all of a sudden, you're drowning.

You're gone.

They don't tell you the race.

They just tell you it's common fault.

Yeah, because they don't want to admit the truth.

They want you to still go to the museum.

That's why.

That's why they still want you to watch the movie.

Once you learn of the actual atrocities that took place, then it loses the lore.

It loses some of

the sparkliness.

They're like, well, it was a bunch of minorities in the basement.

They're like, don't worry about that.

Don't worry about any of that.

Wow.

I want to go.

Isn't there like a huge Titanic Museum somewhere?

And you can go visit a perfect replica of the museum.

Yeah, it's in the ocean, though.

No, no, though.

I've gone to the real one.

You went down there.

I went down there, too.

Yeah.

That sound still haunts me when those people went down.

Richie, you're laughing.

It's kind of funny.

You are just like fancy.

He's sick like fancy.

Yeah, where is that?

Let's go to that.

Branson, Missouri.

Dude, Yakov.

Facon will be near Branson, Missouri.

We have to go there.

I want to go to that and Noah's Ark.

They rebuilt that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I want to see Noah's.

Yeah.

You believe that?

They got one of every animal?

I do believe it.

I'm not a naysayer.

Kentucky.

Yeah.

You got to cram it in there, though.

I don't know.

You know what's so funny, though?

When you listen to the song,

Two Alligators and Longneck Geese, Some Humpty Back Campbells.

There's no way there's a song.

Chimpanzees.

There's a a scene.

Cats and rats and elephants and birds galore.

Oh, yeah.

You don't know that song?

Yeah.

No, I'm not making it up.

Look, give me the lyrics.

There was an actual.

Two alligators and long-necked geese, some humptyback camels and some chimpanzees.

Some cats and rats and elephants and birds galore.

But you won't see no dinosaur.

That is the real song.

Type in some of those lyrics and you'll see.

So do cats and rats and elephants and birds galore.

But dinosaurs really didn't exist.

You know what it was?

What?

The devil did it.

You think so.

See, he's buying into it.

The devil.

This is Korean church coming back into play.

Here, AI will find out.

Noah's Ark.

The unicorn.

Oh, you won't find no unicorn.

Is that what it is?

There were green.

Go up.

There it is.

There are green alligators and long neck geese.

Some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees.

Some cats and rats and elephants.

And sure as you're born.

The loveliest of all was the unicorn.

See?

Good.

Old Noah was there to answer the call, finished making the ark just as a start of rainfall.

But where are the wombats in the song?

Yeah, where are those?

I want to know all the animals.

Wombats.

Where's all these animals in the Philippines?

Red Panda.

Is a red panda in there?

That's my dog.

Yeah.

Red panda for life.

You don't believe the dinosaurs existed, huh?

You Bobby?

Yeah, I really do believe that.

Of course I did.

I was just silly.

No, but a PC thinks maybe they got us.

Maybe.

But why did the devil do it?

Can't have good without evil.

But sadness is a real thing, too.

You're not sad, though.

You've been happier than you've ever been.

I've noticed.

No, the last two weeks has been the worst two weeks of my life.

Okay, well, this is what Bobby does, and it pisses me off.

Last night at the comedy store, I even said this in the recording today.

Yeah, the kid absolutely smashed a piece.

Yeah, but I was sad up there.

Well, then be more sad because you're killing.

I hope for your taping, you're sad because you crushed.

I think I left immediately.

You seem to notice that?

10 out of 10, though, you hit 10 home runs.

It was crazy.

Every joke you spit out, I was like, man, that's a hit.

That one's a hit.

That one's a hit.

That one's a hit.

You didn't miss.

Amen.

And then we gave Dax Flame a joke.

Dax read one of our jokes.

Did he really do it?

Yeah, he did it.

What was the joke?

He texted me and it did really well.

I hope right that yeah he said uh the joke was we're going back to this again we were actually all talking about this last night okay it was um california in 1948 outlawed the chair yeah and uh the bobby wrote the punchline which was

that's crazy because i went to ikea and burbank and they had a ton of chairs

it crushed it did it killed it absolutely killed yeah it was a great joke did he do the tag that i made up he said that and i sat on one and i didn't die no he didn't oh damn i I think he forgot the tag.

Oh.

But it was still good, and it killed, and then he gave you credit.

Wow.

Okay, good.

He said Bob and Andrew?

He said Bobby Lee wrote that joke for me.

Oh.

I didn't write the punchline.

Yeah, but you care about the setup.

So what?

Punchline is all that.

The setup is a lot.

Punchline is all that anybody cares about.

Yeah.

Who do we have?

Who do we have?

Who'd just show up?

Oh, my God.

And if it isn't the.

We have a sunburst here.

If it isn't the corn bandit himself.

What's up?

Ladies and gentlemen, Harlan Williams.

Harlan Studio.

Hello.

You don't have to clap, dude.

Well, I shouldn't have because now I've delayed putting these on.

Get it on there.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

You can hear us just fine.

Oh, this will be a good bit.

Hang on.

Got it.

Stupid.

It's so stupid.

It's so stupid.

Where'd you get these things?

Damn it.

Well, I didn't make the thing you did.

Assholes.

Why are you so stupid?

Why

you acting so dumb-dumb, dude?

This is a podcaster Rubik's Cube.

Don't break it.

Take your technician.

Take a technician.

Lico and help him.

Take your time, dude.

Somebody, please.

Jesus Christ.

Not easy, right, guy?

when a hippie can't do it.

Exactly.

Okay, that's my buddy.

You know that guy, right?

Yeah, I love that guy.

You do?

Yeah, he's my buddy.

He helped mentor me.

Did he?

Really?

He helped.

What year?

What year?

It was thanks to you, but we'll save it for later.

We'll save it for later.

Yeah, yeah.

Let me ask you a minute.

Let him get settled.

Okay.

Is it

good to go?

I want to go.

Get out of here.

Yeah, get out of here then.

Fucking assholes.

Just get out of here, dude.

Anyway, Harlem Williams, everybody.

Harlan Williams, there we go.

I fucking told you it wouldn't work out.

I know, you're right.

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I think number three for sure.

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Simply safe.

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You gave it to me simply safe.

And you know what?

I've never felt safer in my life in my home before.

Because let me say something.

I have two Filipinos and seven animals in my house.

Two and seven.

That's eight animals in total.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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He doesn't know how to use those things.

No, he's never come back.

Come back.

They sent me back.

All right, McCone, get up there and set it up for real form so I can't get it.

Yeah, fuck him again.

Yeah, yeah.

Get the hippie out here.

Yeah.

I like that.

We should start calling him the hippie.

Hippie.

Good job, hippie.

Thank you, hip dirty hip.

Hippie?

Dirty, smelly hippie.

He's smelly, boy.

He's smelly.

You know why he's smelly?

He's not stinking.

He doesn't have an apartment.

He doesn't have anywhere to live in.

Well, they live in a back of a Volkswagen van with flowers on the side.

He's stinking.

Stinky.

Dirty hippies.

Hate him.

Coming from a guy that goes to Burning Burning Man every year.

Yeah.

Not this year, though.

Why not?

Why?

I need a break.

Daddy needs a break.

What do you do at Burning Man?

What's your what don't you do?

Everyone in the world should go.

Really?

Really?

Oh, yeah.

But you don't take any drugs or anything like that.

Burning Man gives you that window of exception.

Not that I've ever taken any, but

if I were to, that would be the exception.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, you don't do them, right?

I don't do Burning Man.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever done hardcore drugs?

I've done a whole

lifetime.

Okay.

Of course, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

What's your favorite?

No, which would you, what's your favorite?

I haven't, but if I did, I would do it there.

Yeah.

If I drive out there, do I need a van or a bus?

You should rent

an RV.

You're out there with an RV.

Yeah.

They don't accept money out there.

No, you can't buy anything.

Right.

So it's you're trading.

Yeah, that's what they say, but

it's not like a bartering system.

It's just if you need something, like if you need a sandwich, you knock on a trailer, give me could you have a sandwich?

I'll give you a sandwich.

Wow.

You give them in return.

Whatever they ask for.

A drink,

another sandwich.

You could do sandwich-o-sandwich.

Like I could knock on a door and say, hey, could I get a tuna salad sandwich?

Yeah.

And they would say, sure, but I need an egg.

I would like an egg salad sandwich.

And then you do like a sandwich trade.

Which you don't see a lot anymore.

Nathan says a good sandwich in the desert.

Yeah.

Like tuna.

Exactly.

Nothing.

In that heat.

Oh.

It's grilled.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Are there ladies out there?

Yeah.

Beautiful, beautiful women.

Beautiful.

Yeah.

All the Victoria's secret models go out there.

They like to dress up.

Right.

And there's our dancings.

There's dancings.

There's

mystical.

It's magical.

Is there any documentation of you at Burning Man dancing?

Yeah.

I actually made a documentary called Burning Men, which I've never released.

I actually shot, me and Michael Rosenbaum went one year and made a documentary of it.

Burning Men.

Burning Men, I called it.

Wow.

I should release it one day.

It's all done, edited, everything.

What's holding you back?

I don't know.

I just, I do a lot of that.

I'll make things and then never put them out in the world.

I think we all do that as artists.

No, no, we put it all out.

We put it out.

All of it.

We've never not put anything out.

Wow.

Okay.

A lot I have them put out.

Well, I should start putting more out.

Yeah.

Because you're so valuable.

Everybody wants you.

Say it again now.

You're on the rise.

You're on the rise.

Like yeast?

Yeah.

And if you let it sit,

get yourself some bread.

Do you feel that, though?

Do you feel like that you're on the rise?

No.

Oh.

Okay.

Why are you winking?

Don't.

You're tricking him.

I didn't wink.

I did one of these.

Yeah.

Have you ever brought Harlan Williams on stage?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's brought me on stage, too.

Yeah.

We've done it both ways.

We go both ways.

Do you know how athletic he is?

It's unbelievable.

I know I've touched his legs before.

They're so strong.

Unbelievable, this guy.

You've touched my leg?

Yeah, we've all touched your leg.

Yeah, yeah.

He asked if I brought you on stage.

Your legs are so very strong.

Yeah.

You know that?

I just literally came from the racquetball court

about an hour ago.

I was playing racquetball.

Who do you play with?

Just the guys on the list.

But I thought you said that there's another comic that you played with.

Dane plays with me sometimes.

Dane Cook.

Who else?

Vinny Vassline?

Yeah, Vinny Vassline.

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me ask you you about Dane.

Yeah.

Is he aggressive?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's an aggressive.

He's got a temper.

He's fired up, but that's what you want with sports.

Have you played Warzone with him?

No.

It's insane.

Was it?

Get behind the wall.

Yeah, like

he takes charge, dude.

Can you beat Dane at Paddleball or racquetball?

Easily.

He's new.

I've been playing for like nine years.

He's just

going to love this.

That clip.

Yeah.

Easily.

Oh, he's going to fuel his fire.

Harlan, how come you haven't had one of your pool parties?

You know what?

I love your pool parties.

I know.

You got to come up for one.

I still have to have one this summer.

Yeah.

Yeah, this summer you haven't had one.

I haven't.

I've been busy.

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I was

down in Florida fishing and scalloping.

And, you know, just taking it easy.

I've been taking a class at DeVry.

What are you taking?

Well, people always say that I

have trouble communicating a lot.

And sometimes people say I always make up stories and they have trouble

communicating and getting a real story out of me, this type of nonsense.

What does that have to do with DeVry?

So

I took a night class in communication.

I'm taking,

it's immersive.

It's called

Ouija therapy.

Oh, whoa.

Have you heard of a Ouija?

I know Ouija, but the combo, I haven't.

They combine the two.

They combine it.

So, what they do is they train you to, because your face is so expressive, so when I can't get the words out,

they sort of assign areas of your expressive face almost like the keypad on your computer or a typewriter.

Everything's a letter.

Yeah.

Wow.

And since I have trouble sometimes getting answers or stories out,

I've sort of been trained by them to assign letters to my face.

Do W.

Well, what you do is you ask me a question.

Oh, okay.

I thought you because I can't get it out, but if I practice my Ouija communication, it sort of helps.

Yeah, let me ask you a question then.

Okay.

What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

Okay.

The answers.

You brought a Ouija thing.

What is it?

You brought a Ouija thing.

Dude, I'm trying to grow.

He's in class.

Don't make fun of him, dude.

He brought a Ouija thing.

Because he's taking a Devray told me.

I know.

I thought he was improvising, but this is kind of real.

Okay.

I apologize.

I thought it was a joke that you were doing improv or whatever.

So this is real.

I didn't get what you were saying there, but could I ask you Wombat?

What is my what?

Wombat?

Your favorite nocturnal animal.

What were you saying with the weekly animal?

I have to ask again.

All right.

All right.

What is your favorite nocturnal animal?

Jesus.

Fuck off.

Oh.

That was it, not me.

Oh, oh.

It's a spiritual thing.

There are spirits involved.

It's Ouija.

Wow.

It's Ouija.

I didn't know.

Yeah.

You ask a question, Andrew.

I feel like I know the answer.

You fuck off.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I see it?

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

Just toss it.

Good toss.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, ask me a question, Harlan.

Okay, let me think of something deep and meaningful.

What is the meaning of life?

Well, that's too broad.

Let me ask you a personal question.

Sure.

What makes you sad?

This.

This makes me really sad.

Yeah, this bit makes me sad.

The bit makes me sad, too.

It makes me sad.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you shouldn't enroll at Devy.

I'm not gonna.

Well, I'm glad you're enrolled at Devy.

I mean, that does seem like it's working very well.

Yeah.

Do you read?

Yeah.

Recommend me a book.

Have you been to his office?

Yeah, I have.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

He's got books.

He's got so much shit all over the place.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

You have also the best view of the city.

I mean, Shankshu.

Shank Shu.

I would say,

man,

I would recommend The Fountainhead by Ann Rand.

I've heard of it.

I heard it's good.

You're reading a lot of Ann Rand lately?

Have you read The Fountainhead?

Oh, dude.

Is it good?

Oh, yeah.

Did a movie, no?

I don't know if they ever made a movie, The Fountainhead.

I think they attempted it.

I think they did.

I think it, but I don't think it was that good.

It's too big in scope.

Okay.

It's a very, very.

Gary Cooper.

Oh, Gary Shupert.

Oh, okay, yeah.

So, the fountain head.

The book is.

I'm going to read it.

Yeah.

Are you being real?

I feel like you're being real right now.

I am.

Yeah, I am going to read that tonight.

Well, it's really big, so you won't read it in a night.

No, but I'm going to start tonight.

I'm going to audiobook it.

Is that okay?

That's up to you, but it's one of those books that draws you in, and it's one of those savory books where it becomes part of your life for the time that you're reading it.

Oh, wow.

And also, Stephen King's The Stand is like that because it's a big, thicky.

Yeah.

Cujo is like that with me, too.

Cujo.

Yeah.

You love a good

story.

You love soft dogs.

I love it.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I ran the fountainhead.

What are you reading?

The Insightful Man.

By who?

I don't remember the guy's name.

Look up the name.

What's his name?

The Insightful Man book.

Yeah.

The Insight of a Man.

The Inside of a Man by Leon Mopipi.

And at first, it got me.

The Mopipi got me.

I was laughing when I bought it.

Yeah.

I bought it because of the Mopi.

Yeah.

I'm not going to lie.

I bought it because I saw Mopi and I thought it was funny.

It's actually given me a lot of knowledge and insight.

Yeah.

It actually is.

Well, I'd invite you to read my latest book.

What is it?

It's called Uncle Milton.

Whoa.

Yeah.

And what is it?

Is it a

collection of short stories?

Are you being real?

Yeah.

Wow.

Uncle Milton by Harlan Williams.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's short stories.

Three short stories.

That you wrote.

Yeah.

Wow.

Let's see the reviews.

Yeah, what do you think?

Click on the reviews.

There's a review.

It just came out, so I don't know.

Harlan Williams is good at anything he decides to do.

His short story collections are no exception.

In the realm of suspension, supernatural, the stories are unique.

Good read.

I've read a lot of Stephen King's short stories, and this gives me similar feels.

In this collection, there are three separate stories touching on different aspects of relationships.

Three is a magic number.

The heart and the mind and the body.

Harlan focused on each of these in turn.

Overall, very good.

Hoping to read more books from Harlan in the future.

Wow.

I didn't even know those were there.

Incredible.

Thank you.

I got Hear Yourself by Prem Rawat.

Oh,

Maharashi, the Maharashi.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Do you know why?

Why?

Because I'm going crazy.

I need to dilute the mind, calm the mind down.

What's going on, my guy?

Nothing.

I don't know what it is, but I'm trying to, it's a lot of anxiety.

So I'm trying to calm the meditating at night, being mindful about my breath,

doing breath work.

What's causing causing the anxiety?

I don't know, I don't know the root of it.

You must have an inkling.

This special, we've talked about this.

Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on the special.

He's about to shoot a special, yeah.

When?

In January.

Well, it's going to be December, but

anxiety

thrusted into the new year.

Maybe February.

Wow, yeah, depends on the anxiety.

But I don't think you need the anxiety because you're a confident, funny human being.

Wow.

Are you my Messiah?

Oh, I mean, not my Messiah.

I'm happy to help.

My spiritual teacher?

I'm happy to help.

You know what?

I would follow you if you had a philosophy.

What is your philosophy of life?

Chocolate.

Yeah.

Really?

Dark?

Yeah, I would follow chocolate.

Swiss.

I like Swiss chocolate.

All right, me and you, we climb the temple.

We get to the temple, right?

Yeah, I'm there.

We see him.

He's in a robe.

We sit, you know, cross-legged.

Yeah.

Right?

We light some candles.

We do a little bong.

Bong.

Right?

Yeah.

Our master's about to speak.

What do you say?

Chocolate.

And then we go, chocolate.

Master, master.

Yes.

I have a question.

Yes, stupid.

I mean,

sorry.

Sorry.

Because I'm so superior.

I know, Master.

I didn't mean that.

But, Master, I'm going through a divorce and my wife cheated on me.

What do I do?

Humphrey Bogart said once that women are like streetcars.

One goes and another one is coming right along.

Oh, very good.

Master, Master.

Yes.

My children have died in a horrible fire accident, a smelting accident.

I owned a smelting factory, and my child died.

I worked there.

I saw them die.

He may have been the person that killed my child.

We don't know, Master Marm.

We don't know yet, Master Master.

What do I do now?

Make some new kids.

Ah.

And

forget the oldies.

Yeah.

And chocolate, probably.

And chocolate.

Yeah.

And I got a hole in the desert you can put the dead kids to.

Oh,

master.

Master, thank you.

Thank you, Master.

Thank you, Master.

I would love to help you, my guy.

I don't like it when you're like, you know, when my guy is feeling anxiety.

Are you talking to me as Master or me, Carlin Debald?

Carlin slash master.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Master.

You want to help me now?

Yeah.

Okay.

You're a funny, funny, beloved

guy.

Don't feel anxiety.

Yeah.

I told him.

I know.

People tell me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just feel the anxiety.

I don't know what it is.

What's your fix?

You know what I have, Master?

Yes.

Imposter syndrome.

What's that?

I don't feel like, you know, people go, oh, you're doing well, or this and that.

And I always go,

you know what I mean?

I always downplay it.

Okay.

I like, you know,

I like just going to a Starbucks and getting my horchata, my horchata beverage, you know what I mean?

And just being normal, you know what I mean?

But then people go, oh, can we get a photo and this and that?

I just have a conflict about it.

What do I do, master?

I would say ride the anxiety, like a snake,

like a dragon, like ride it.

Yes.

You know this.

Sometimes when you perform, your mood can feed your performance.

Sometimes you feel down, sometimes you feel up, sometimes you feel anxiety-ridden, but whatever it is, just take it onto the stage

and let it be part of the journey.

Oh, so I know it'll pass.

It might not pass it, you might

no, just say it's gonna pass.

I think it's gonna pass.

Use it as fuel on the night of the special.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will.

Yeah.

Oh, let me say something about this about myself.

I know this.

Yeah.

When I get a ball, I hit it.

You do.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

So I will hit the ball.

You will hit the ball.

I think the anxiety is just giving you,

you know, without the anxiety, your experience might be mundane.

And so the anxiety is giving you a little bit, it's life saying, hey, feel the energy, feel the electricity.

That's the anxiety versus you've been doing this a long time.

You know the terrain.

I know the terrain.

And so think of the anxiety as a little electrical charge and a little air under your feet, and it's going to make it more interesting and provocative

and infused with life.

The master has spoken.

Yeah, I love it.

Now, go suck a chocolate bar.

That's our Messiah.

That's my

Milky Way.

Yeah.

You are a little chocolate boy.

You love snacks.

I love it.

Whenever I go to his house, he has snacks.

I sleep with a can of Pringles in my arm.

You do?

Like, I snuggle it.

Yeah.

Is it a big one?

That's a big can.

No, it's just a regular can, but I can't.

How do you close your arm?

But it's a sour cream and onion, and I just oh.

Is that your favorite chip?

I love it.

Yeah.

I just snuggle with it at night.

I used to have a teddy bear, a teddy ruckspin.

You know, the ones that talk?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Had one.

Mine got possessed in spoken tongues, and I had to flush it in the toilet.

Literally, in the middle of the night, I'm stuffing its head in the toilet.

Flushed, flush.

What was it saying?

Yeah, Satan.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Devil talk.

Yeah.

I know that.

Yeah, you know that?

No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't.

You have to summon it if you do that.

You know, one time, this is a true story.

I had this roommate.

His name was Aaron, red-headed kid.

Yeah.

Christian.

Why are you looking at me?

I don't know.

My eyes just drifted to me.

Yeah.

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And he has come to my church and I sat down and the, I guess it wasn't a big church.

And the sermon, well, the preacher eyed me.

And and then everyone started speaking in tongues.

And they all touched my head.

And as they touched my head, I stood up, and I literally walked out of the church.

Wow.

Yeah, I was so scary.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Do you think it's real speaking in tongues when they're in church?

Yes.

Oh, you think it's real?

There's videos of people speaking in tongues.

Yeah.

They connected a higher power.

What are you talking about?

Oh, they do.

Yeah, yeah.

God speaks through you.

Yeah.

The best time to do it.

The best time to do it is when you're performing cunnelingus.

Really?

Oh, because it's like

girls love it, they love it, yeah, yeah.

It's like foreplay, Satan's foreplay.

Yeah, see, they were speaking in tongues here, they can show you there's something.

Is he a cracker?

These guys are just

Latvian.

I don't think that's what it felt like.

I'm pretty sure that was just another language.

Yeah, I think you're right.

How many languages do you speak?

You speak a few, don't you?

I speak a little French and a little German.

That is good, yeah?

That's is good, and that's it.

That's good.

I did speak a little when I lived there, but I speak a little French because I'm French-Canadian, but that's it.

Say, Bobby, it's so good to see you today, and I can't wait to go out to eat with you later.

Bobby, C'est bon, uh, Moje, le, uh,

Papillon,

Avec

Montreal Fireworks Festival.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow, that's really good.

Yeah.

That was good.

L'Ancanton, Paelar, y los Pantalones, La Escuela, El Sol, y La Cienega.

I'll wear my pants to school on La Cienega.

Something like that, yeah.

That's actually.

I said school.

I said school in there too, right?

La Escuela.

Yeah, Lascuela.

How come you guys aren't fighting?

Usually, when I watch this show, you're like just going at each other.

We were fighting a a little bit.

No, we were good before.

We haven't fought today.

We didn't fight today.

I know, but why?

You want us to fight?

I was sort of looking forward to a good fight.

Yeah.

A brew ha-ha.

All right.

Well, give us a topic and we'll fight over it.

We'll fight about anything.

Oh, it's your show.

You should have the topic.

What?

You should have the topic.

We're just going to brew a fight.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Usually you're yelling at each other.

Well, okay, he said that he liked your shirt.

I hate that shirt.

Wait a minute.

I was lying.

This shirt has a lot of meaning.

I hate that shirt.

It's awful.

It's awful.

It's bullshit.

Yeah, it's a bullshit shirt.

This shirt has a lot of people.

What do you mean?

What do you be?

What are you?

Bee comb?

You like them?

This shirt has a lot of sentimental meaning before you rip into it.

Okay, what is it?

What is it?

Let me guess.

Your Uncle Harvey was on a golden temple mountain with a panda, and they pooped out an egg.

It broke open, and there's a shirt.

Because you tell stories like that all the time, and they're not real.

Dude, my father died today

nine years ago.

Wow.

And he died when we were watching the movie.

The whole family were at his house.

We were watching Children of the Corn.

This is a corn shirt.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

So Children of the Corn is full of jump scares.

I don't know if you've seen that.

Malachi was a scary guy.

Malachi,

the niblet children are popping out of the rows like just crazy.

So we're at my old man's house.

This guy, you said I like sports.

The old man liked fish.

He loved fishing.

He died today or nine years ago?

Nine years ago, today.

Oh, I did.

Every year we put on the corn shirt,

and he had a nine-foot marlin hanging over the wall

behind the couch, right?

We're all sitting on the couch.

He's got a knife.

He loves this.

He has fish tanks all over.

He had a fish tank full of piranhas.

Have you ever heard of these things from the Amazon?

Yeah, piranhas.

They eat flesh.

They're like piranhas.

Or piranhas.

Piranhas.

He has piranha.

He has piranha, piranha, however you want to swiss it up.

Why would you lie?

I don't know.

Well, there's two pronunciations.

Okay.

The botanists call it, or students of ichthology call it piranha.

Right.

But the lay person, like yourself, calls it piranha.

Lay.

So the old man's got a piranha tank over here.

He's got a nine-foot marlin up on the wall with the snout.

Here we are, huddled in the den.

We got pottery barn candles on the table.

We're all huddled together, nine of us, and we're watching Children of the Corn like we do every year.

It was his favorite horror movie.

This thing's packed full of jump scares.

Big time.

Yeah.

We're sitting there.

Malachi pops out with some of the niblet children out of the corn.

We all jump.

The old man goes back, hits the wall.

The marlin cuts loose from its, it's hanging on the wall.

This thing comes down.

The snout of the marlin goes into the old man's spine.

The old man flails across the room, right?

He hits the wall, he hits the light switch, the fucking ceiling fan starts going on.

Now, this thing's got a wire on the back of the Marlin.

Now the wire's up in the ceiling fan.

But when the old man went back, he put his hand into the piranha tank.

These things took off two of his fingers.

Here goes the ceiling fan.

It starts constricting around his neck.

He's got a Marlin in his spine.

he goes to turn off the ceiling fan switch he ain't got the fingers that you flick the switch with

oh my god this is my old man it's like a final destination down

sorry man yeah so i i i i i like the shirt it's just it's a memorandum so before you rip into it uh this is like in memorandum of my old man and let me tell you something i do like the shirt, okay?

Because it's you.

You would never wear it.

Never.

That's fucking hideous.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a hideous piece of shit shirt.

It's insane.

I don't even know where to buy a shirt.

Where did you buy that shirt?

Yeah.

Look, up at Forest Lawn.

They've got

at the cemetery.

At the cemetery.

Wow.

You know, everything's a theme.

Yeah.

You can't even find that kind of corn shirt online.

Look at it.

You can't.

Yes, you can.

That's it right there.

Corn Cob background shirt.

No, that's not it, dude.

No.

That's not what that is.

That's a one-of-one.

yeah i think well i mean this is it's not about the shirt it's about my father you're right oh that's right you're right you're right let's go back to that lord yeah he passed away guys okay so um malachi if i can reiterate

no please malachi popped out through the rows of corn that's a shirt with the niblet children yeah

and the niblet children were well I feel like you're making fun of my dad.

No, we're not.

We see where you got it for your father.

It's for any occasion, street leisure, the party, or both occasions.

To commemorate his death.

Look, I think when your dad died, I mean, Bobby, your dad died pretty tragically.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Tell him how your dad died.

My dad died.

I dad wearing the shirt as well.

Yeah, yeah.

My dad died in a hospice.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and he was like, ooh, like that for a week.

And he loved Metallica.

He loved Metallica.

That's why he's wearing the shirt.

He loves it.

A hospice?

What is a hospice?

Oh, puppets.

What is a hospice?

Oh, it's where people go to buttai, Harland.

I'm sure your fingerless dad died in one as well.

No, he died on the ceiling.

He died instantly?

He died right.

He choked out.

Wow.

Who took him down?

Oh, I don't want to talk about that.

But you're a cleaning lady.

Oh, what?

The next day?

Yeah, we went.

Yeah.

We had to go out and eat, but she came in the next day.

Yeah, cleaned it up.

Cleaned it up.

Why no socks, Harlan?

That's a little weird.

Oh, I didn't know you were looking at down there.

Yeah.

That's one of my pet peeves when people don't wear socks.

How about you?

You know,

do you have stinky feet?

No.

Let me smell your shoe.

Well, no.

Take one off.

Take one off.

Prove it.

Because otherwise, I'm going to find out if you got stinky feet or not.

Yeah, yeah.

Yay or nay.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I'll vomit.

I almost threw up.

Is it bad?

Yeah.

It got me.

What's it smell like?

My eyes are fucking watery.

Yeah.

What's it smell like?

Fucking.

Yeah.

It's bad.

It's pretty bad.

Tell me.

Big one.

Oh, my God.

Big whiff.

I hate it.

Big whiff.

I already did it.

Do a big whiff.

I get it.

I have a fucking notion, you pussy.

There's no way.

What's it smell like?

Corn, chocolate.

All of it.

Your dead dad, everything.

Yeah, it's bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Wear socks, Carlin.

Jesus.

I know.

Do you ever wear no socks?

You got to do a shoey now.

Pour your drink into your shoe and drink it.

That's what Australians do.

It is?

That's what they do.

They don't do that.

Yes, they do.

Shoeys.

You've never heard of a shoey?

Shoey.

Bring up a shoey in Australia.

That's literally what they do.

So what do you do?

You pour a drink in it and you chug it to somebody.

Don't do it, Harland.

Harland, don't do it.

Why not?

It's gross.

Well, no, it's a celebrity.

Look, it's a celebration.

All right.

What do I do?

Look, you pour it in and you chug it.

A real.

oh my god.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

All these love you, mate.

We love.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

No, I would have.

I think I got a tangna.

Oh.

I got a toenail.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Harlan, are you in love right now?

Yeah, yeah.

Because you seem like you're in love.

I do?

Yeah, you're kind of a bouncing.

I know that you are.

Really?

What do you mean?

He is.

I know that you are.

I know you personally.

I know that you are.

In love with what, what, though?

A human.

A human.

Define.

A woman with

appropriate genitals.

What's in her broken?

You're in love with a person.

Yeah, a human being.

Because you've mentioned it a couple of times.

You don't probably notice it because you never go, well, I have a girlfriend.

But you've said, like, yeah, the girl that I'm seeing, and we're doing this and that, and it's fun.

I can see a joy off of your face.

You do?

Well, thank you.

Yeah, I do have a joy.

Yeah.

I don't talk about my personal life like you do.

I don't.

We're opposites.

There are things about me that no one knows.

You're an open book.

You're an open

collection of dictionaries or encyclopedias.

Like, what don't we know about you?

Okay.

No, there are some things that he does.

Yeah, there are things I hide.

Okay.

There are personal things like my recovery or like, you know.

Oh, you just let it out.

No, but like personal things I do with my.

Okay.

But there's just some things that I do hide from

the club.

I'm not going to say it.

Oh, you just.

No, no, it's a trick now.

I understand your tricks.

Well, I just drank out of a shoe.

You did.

He's good at tricks.

Yeah, but there are things about you that you do hide a lot.

I don't hide.

It's not like I'm hiding them.

It's just I choose not to divulge

everything about me.

It keeps you close.

But what does it hurt if we ask you?

You can ask.

Oh, that you are seeing somebody and that we don't want to know specifics, but we see a joy radiating from your body.

I love that you feel that and sense that.

That's all I'm saying.

I love that.

Yeah.

He wants more.

No, I love you.

You gave me a ride home that night.

We talked deep

in his car.

I got to tell you about this guy's car.

You think your old car was a mess?

Yeah.

This guy.

Yeah.

We're the same type.

It's unbelievable.

What was in my car?

Everything.

I don't know what wasn't in your car.

Wow, guy.

It was insane.

Yeah.

There was

like a half-built crib, like a baby crib.

Wow.

Doesn't have a baby.

Yeah.

There was a,

you remember pegs on BMX bikes?

Sure.

Had four or five sets of pegs in the back seat.

This is all real.

This is all real.

Hyper, like needles?

Hype.

What?

Hypodermic needles?

Yeah.

I don't know.

Did you have any of those?

I don't know what you saw.

I might have some.

It's just what you saw.

He had, I'm not kidding.

He had a paint bucket, like a fucking, what are those, like a few-gallon bucket of Elmer's glue.

Why have that?

Oh, you do have one.

No, I have hundreds of bottles of Elmer's glue.

Do you know why he has glue?

Well, I know he doesn't like horses, and glue is primarily made up of ground-up horse hooves.

That's true.

Yeah, and so I don't like the hooves.

I like the horses.

Oh, yeah.

You don't like horses' hooves.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, so that's why he has all the glue.

Get rid of the hooves.

No, but

why would I have Elmer's glue at home?

The way that they seize Diddy's house and got all that baby oil, they seize your house and have.

What was he doing with all that glue?

Hundreds of bottles.

And who's Elmer, by the way?

I don't know, but I do want to meet him.

I mean, it sounds like a short story you would write.

Yeah.

Tell us who Elmer is.

That's a good idea.

Who is Elmer behind Elmer's Glue?

Who is that guy?

Because he's got to be someone significant.

We've all used his glue.

Elmer was a no.

Elmer's glue is Elmer the Bull, a character who was the husband of Elsie the cow.

Oh, see, hoofs.

That's almost a slap in the face to our hoofed friends.

Yeah.

Why would you make your logo of the thing you're killing to make the product?

Yeah, well,

ketchup always has a tomato on it.

Okay, well, yeah.

They'll slap me down and figure out what's going on.

Good point, buddy.

Good point.

Thank you.

Great point.

Like, one of the best.

What I do with Elmer's glue is I dry them onto my hand and I peel them.

Oh, so it looks like you have that that aging disease?

No, but I do, no, I do like 40 layers with a blow dryer.

Oh, wow.

And then I put a complete glove.

Oh, that's so cool.

You know that, right?

And I stuff.

That's so cool.

I stuff cotton in them and I draw on them.

Oh, that is so cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So it's like an art thing.

I get it.

I can relate.

What I do is I sit in the bath for about two hours.

Yeah.

I get my fingers prune wrinkled.

And then when I get out of the tub, I touch myself with the wrinkled fingers and pretend I'm getting molested by an 87-year-old priest.

Oh, so I can't have my thing?

I just, yeah.

Yeah.

It's good.

Whoa, good.

Whoa, dude.

Do you love the movie Spotlight?

What is it?

Okay.

Do you ever see it?

Yeah, it's a great movie.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

What's it about?

It's about

some of the

crimes of the church.

Oh, right, right, with Michael Keaton.

Yes.

Whoa.

It's a good movie.

Spotlight.

What is the quote that people yell at you the most in public?

The quote.

Yeah, like something that you said in movies and stuff.

What is something?

Oh, I thought you meant

the pod.

Yeah, no, no.

In real life, do people ever say a line to you in public?

Well, in real life, they say, hey, no chin.

I get that a lot because I have no chin.

Yeah, you do.

Not really.

Turn to this.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

Yeah, yeah.

One piece.

Like, I get, hey, no chin a lot.

The good news is when, because it's connected like that, it's you know, you don't ever, it's always protected.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not going to get knocked out easy.

Yeah, it's like almost an instant shadow-like punch.

Yeah.

In fact,

can I ask you?

I don't want to be critical.

Oh, face.

I can take anything.

You could be as critical.

I can take.

One thing my father's death taught me is life goes by fast and anything can bounce off you.

So you can be megacritical.

All right, well, it's actually your face looks like a gigantic canvas, but you only drew a little face on the bottom half of the camera.

Oh, so like one of those cartoon guys that like a caricature?

Yeah.

So my face is big and my body's small or my.

It's just a longer, but it's, I like it.

It's dimensional.

My face is long.

Yeah.

What about mine?

Well, let's stick with this.

No, I want to, I don't know.

I want to get to the bottom of your hat.

There's no hatred.

I thought you said you hated my face.

Did I say hate?

Did I say hate?

Now you snow.

Observation, I said.

What is it again?

Say it.

What do you think I said?

Okay, long face.

Yeah.

And it's like, you know what I mean?

This half of the face is where all the things.

It's like Antarctica.

Like if you looked at the Earth, the globe.

Antarctica, nothing going on.

Okay.

He's saying, you know how you look at it.

Keep going.

Oh.

Like when you look at a map.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Of

cities

and way down below, there's all the city lights.

Hold on.

And everything else is black.

Hold on.

Shh.

Sorry.

Got it.

Fuck off.

Yeah, yeah.

I was kidding, dude.

You're

I don't know, you know.

No, I got no problem with your face.

But I don't mind criticism.

I like it.

It's the only way I can grow.

Criticize me?

Like physically, or just even terms of my attitude.

Sometimes you're

a little bit elusive and distant.

That's being a ninja.

I know, but it's...

I have ninja-tzu behaviors.

Okay, if that's the answer, I accept that.

As a friend.

Yeah.

I think you're deflecting, if I'm being honest, but if you want to play the ninja game.

I know what you're saying.

This is what you're saying.

Talk to me, guy.

Guy, I'm here.

And I'm listening.

Well, I said, talk to me.

Don't listen.

Talk.

Talk to me.

All right.

Right now, are you getting a little aggressive?

I sure am.

You do, but guy.

Okay.

All right.

So what I want to say, I know what it is, what you're saying.

Talk to me.

It's like, I did your podcast, and then, you know, and then like six months later, you want me to do it again, and I don't return your phone call.

Is that what it is?

No.

Oh, fuck.

I just think sometimes when Buddy

tries to get close to Buddy,

Buddy doesn't always let Buddy all the way in.

And maybe Buddy's a little guilty of it too.

What do I do?

What did I do?

I know.

Fuck that I do.

Sometimes

I feel like there's little barriers with you two.

Between us or between?

No, with me.

Like, Buddy tries to get in and you guys will open the door so far, but then Buddy, you kind of put a foot in the door and Buddy can't get all the way in and be buddy, buddy.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Can I say this?

Every time I see you on the lineup, what do I do?

You're sitting there in the booth in the back.

I always walk up beside you and I always say hello.

But a hello is fleeting.

I always try to engage.

I try to get a conversation going with Buddy.

And Buddy sort of flirts with it, entertains it, but never fully engages with Buddy.

And so Buddy ends up feeling alone and sad when he walks away and turns his back on Buddy.

I see.

Well, maybe if Buddy didn't wear corn shirts, we'd have a better conversation.

My father was killed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And let me tell you.

By a Marlon.

Oh, so can I just say something, buddy?

Yes, bud.

If you call me being...

I'm so emotional, I can't even speak.

Do it.

Let me calm down.

I think we're getting somewhere.

No,

stay amped.

Stay amped.

This is where the real stuff comes in.

When you see me in public, right, why don't you call me by my name?

You don't.

You call me Sarah Silverman.

Yeah.

It's a term of endearment.

Do I call him Sarah Silverman?

No.

What do you call him?

That's special for you.

What do you call him?

He calls me Earthquake.

The big black comedian.

He calls me Earthquake.

That's what I'm saying.

Well, yeah, that's why, buddy, we can't get in with you, buddy.

Yeah.

But why let a title get in the way of our intimacy?

Because when you scream it across a room, hey, there's Sarah Silverman, the whole room turns around, and it's me.

It's a little awkward.

Well, can't you get around it and engage with me and be intimate and have a real conversation for once in your life?

Well, how can I have a real conversation with you when you don't call me by my name?

Well, get over yourself, Sarah.

And then I call you Johnny Meatloaf.

Fine, I love it.

Okay.

Slap me with the gravy.

Okay.

I'm in.

All right.

That's just a title, but beyond the title, and again, you're deflecting all over the place.

He can see it.

I'm not looking at him.

You're not looking at me?

No, I am.

When does the real buddy conversation happen between us three?

We try.

You want to sit around all day and eat styrofoam peanuts?

Great.

I can party.

You know what I would do?

But when does the talk happen?

Let's go to Joshua's tree okay air and be airbnb a house get a fire going i would love i love schmores oh you know i love schmores the jewish s'mores have you ever had sch'mores yeah yeah schmores are unbelievable they're unbelievable you know what a shmore is i sure do yeah i'll get the marshmallow

yeah i'll get the marshmallow and i'll and i'll get the gefilte fish and we'll have ourselves a isn't it interesting isn't it interesting that you want to drive three hours into the desert to open up to your buddy and i want to open up right here and now while we're right in proximity, I want to live in the moment, and you want to create some fantasy getaway in the desert where maybe we can talk, but you know, when there's a crackling fire, it's hypnotic, and you can't talk to anyone because you're hypnotized by the crackling flames.

And this is all part of your deflection so that you don't have to look buddy in the eyes and talk and get to know the real me, and I get to know the real Sarah to get to know you.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Let's get real.

Here we go.

Finally.

I love you.

Okay.

How?

There's a lot of layers of love.

Yeah.

But as a comedian,

you're one of the ones that I feel safe with and trust.

Love you.

I feel like you're an ally.

I love this.

Yeah, I've always had a fun, playful relationship with you.

Like we're two kids in a schoolyard jumping with glee.

Don't you feel that?

I do.

There's a childlike banter that you and I both have.

But in that schoolyard,

and thank you for opening up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The janitor built a wall.

Right.

And I need you to get over that wall.

Okay.

And come to me.

Okay.

I'll break it down.

Maybe your friend little red over here, too.

Yeah.

I'm the janitor.

I'm building the wall.

Yeah.

Someone's got to clean up this mess.

And no, no, no, since I was on the hot seat, you talk to Harlan about how you feel.

Harlan, I don't get you.

Come, but don't make a joke.

All right.

Get real.

It's a comedy show.

I know, but get real for a second.

He made it real.

Thank you.

All right.

You're welcome, buddy.

Harlan,

you're one of the most elusive comedians I've ever known.

Talk to me.

I think is that hurtful?

No.

Is that hurtful to you?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is.

Can't pin you down.

Don't know you.

I just don't know you're real you.

I've tried.

Tell me how you've tried and let me

help you get there.

You hide.

How?

What can I want to help you get there, guys?

Intervene real quick?

Yeah, please.

Like the story about your dad.

Yeah.

I don't think that's real.

I don't think that's real.

Would I show up

in a corn shirt?

That's what I'm saying.

If it wasn't real, that's what I'm saying.

We're worried about it.

Can I say another thing?

Please.

You did a pod a couple years ago with my brother Steve.

Steve-O.

Stevie Weeby.

Stevie Weeby.

Yeah.

That's my little brother.

Steve O.

Right.

Your little brother.

Right.

And you had a little cap in your jacket.

Sure.

Right.

For my dad, a memento.

Yeah.

And the cap was what?

A mushroom cap.

A mushroom cap from a man's penis?

Well, my dad was in the circumcision game.

That's what I'm saying.

Is that his profession?

I don't know.

Don't circumcisions down on Melrose, 782.

Right over the door.

It says, we love it when you leave a tip.

And it was right over the door.

I know.

I remember.

Yeah, I guess I have had some pretty German outfits.

Yeah, I've been there.

Been there, yeah.

So that's your dad, Don.

Don?

Yeah.

And he tragically died the way you described him dying.

Yeah.

Okay.

Children of the corn nine years ago today.

What's wrong?

Why?

Okay.

All right.

You are being real.

Yeah, you are.

Sometimes you have to go because it seems

not real.

Fantastical.

Yeah, it seems fantasy.

Yeah, and it seems like it's not grounded in reality.

Hey, guy, everyone has their journey.

Sorry if I'm not in your playbook.

Sorry if I don't,

I'm not a cookie cutter.

I'm just living my life.

Sorry my dad got a sailfish through his spine.

Yeah.

Sue me.

Okay.

We all got our stories.

Don't sue him.

Okay.

We'd like you to be unsued.

Yeah.

You would?

I don't want you to get sued.

Well, no, no.

Harlan, talk to Andrew about how you can be a better friend.

How can I be a better friend to the and man?

Like, I want to get in.

I want to be

in.

How do I do it, my guy?

I just don't think you can keep wearing those corn shirts

and any foods.

It's only one day a year.

Yeah.

No more foods.

I've seen you with barbecue, with actual barbecue on your shirts.

Well, that was real, but like stains.

Yes.

Yeah.

Wash it.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

But

outside of that, I think the only way to really get to know you is to spend time with you without clothes, without restriction, in a spa talking.

Naked.

You said strip away the fire, strip away all the distraction.

I agree.

I think we should go to the Korean spa.

We should go to the Wii Spa.

The Wii Spa with you.

Get naked, sit around like real men and just.

Like real men.

Would you

want to see this naked?

Yeah, but

it's not a challenge.

What I have under this fabric, do you want to see it?

Seeing is not the right word.

Witness is the word.

Witnessing.

I'd like to witness it.

You would.

Yeah.

What is it about what's under this fabric that is provocative for you?

This is just a shroud, whatever you've got on.

The clothes are as

false.

It's a shield.

Yeah, it's a shield.

What?

It's a shield to your heart.

What part of my anatomy?

I guess

your penis.

That's the part of my anatomy.

I've never seen it.

Okay.

Okay.

Have you visualized it in your head?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Would you like to describe it to your audience?

Yeah, corn dog, but a Korean one.

So there's like stuff on top of the breading.

Ooh, when they dip it in stuff?

Yeah, yeah.

So it's got like corn nuts and like, you know, little snacks, little bacon bits.

You know, I don't feel like it's a salt.

I feel like there's other flavors involved.

Well, let me say this.

Go ahead.

We're going to go to the Spot of Connect, and I think that will bond us together.

We'll get rid of all this other cracks.

They have shorts there that you can wear if you're like

European.

I'll go pink.

When I'm nude, I look like a shrimp, by the way, a cocktail shrimp.

That'd be too.

And if I curl my body sort of like this,

I look like a cocktail shrimp.

You know how they hang them on the glass?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I'm pink like that.

Yeah.

That's fine.

I'm me like that.

Me too.

Yeah.

So what, just so I can put this into context, the three of us sitting naked

in a spa.

Getting to know each other.

Is it a steam room?

Like, can we...

Rice on a steam room the whole bit.

So is it like I'm watching almost like a ship emerging through the fog, your pasty white bodies?

Or is it a clean steam room where the air is clean and I can have a crystal clear

vision?

But there is steam.

There is steam.

Yeah.

So it's ghostly.

Sometimes you can't even watch me walk in.

I'm just there.

Wow.

Yeah, like a ghost.

It's just like, yeah, I know that swirling this almost like John Carpenter's.

Exactly.

The fog.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

You wait in there long enough.

Yeah.

And the karate ghost appears.

Wow.

I'm in, guys.

Let's recap.

Okay.

We learned a lot about you.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I thought you were recapping.

No, I was saying.

My dad used to do a lot of recapping down at Don Circumstances.

Oh, you can reattach.

Yeah.

Oh, he did that procedure as well.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Every now and then there was a slip up.

Right.

But to.

I want a thicker cap.

Can I get mine replaced?

How thick are we talking?

Shaquille O'Neal.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Yeah, big.

Really big.

Black.

Like a hubcap almost.

Yeah, I want a hubcap.

Wow.

Harlan,

we hope we get closer.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think I like that.

I don't know that it's going to happen.

I feel farther away, actually, kind of be honest.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't you feel farther away?

Maybe the mystery,

maybe the distance makes us more interesting to people now than we ever were.

Maybe this was an exercise in distancing ourselves from each other.

Good.

Good, good, good, good.

And your crowd now sort of sees us as a Nancy Drew Hardy Boys mystery type of setup where maybe we don't want to give the ending away.

Wow.

Let's not do it.

Let's not do it.

I'm in.

I'm in too, bud.

You in?

I'm in.

Nancy Drew, the mystery of the swirling steam room.

Yeah.

Are you good at puzzles?

Yeah.

Good.

Hit me.

You want a riddle?

Sure.

Can I give him a riddle?

Yes.

The grandfather, his son, and his son's son, they go fishing.

Are you caught up yet?

Yeah.

Okay.

On the way home from the fishing, they get in a car accident.

The grandfather's son and his son's son die.

No, no, that's not what it is.

That's not what it is.

Let me start from the top.

Let me start with the top.

Let me start with the top.

You just riddled yourself.

You know that.

Grandfather, his son, his son.

Well, that's why the phrase is riddle me this.

Yeah, yeah.

Grandfather, his son, his son, they go fishing, right?

On the way back, the grandfather, grandfather, and his son died.

The grandson lives.

He's in the operating table at the hospital.

And the surgeon walks in and says, I can't operate on this boy.

He's my son.

What happened?

It's his mother.

Very good.

You're good.

You're good at puzzles.

The surgeon was his mother.

Yes.

Yeah.

That was way too easy.

Do you have a riddle for him?

No, that was that was really easy.

Yeah, it was easy.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if I know any of them.

Oh, yeah.

I got one.

I know where you got that riddle, by the way.

What?

You're going to love this guy.

Okay.

That riddle

came from an episode of All in the Family

where

Archie and Meathead and Little Girl and Edith toiled over that one

because back in the 70s, it was always presumed that a surgeon would be a male.

So back in the 70s, that was actually a very difficult riddle to figure out

because people weren't accustomed to picturing women as surgeons.

And so many people didn't get that riddle.

And this ain't the 70s anymore.

All right, guy.

I got another one for you.

And if you want to look that one up on YouTube, the riddle with the

everything Harlan says is fake and wacky like his dad didn't die by a sailfish.

Look it up on YouTube.

Here's another one.

Y'all in the family.

Doctor riddle.

Surgeon riddle.

Look it up.

Wow, that's actually in the show.

I told you that's where it's from.

Wow, okay.

Well, I was just there.

There it is.

And I'm the guy that makes shit up.

Okay, guys.

How How dare you, sir?

Here's another riddle.

How dare you with your nutty little koala fingers and your chocolate fudge cluster eyes and your coconut cream pie pubis?

How dare you, sir?

I apologize.

One more riddle before the week.

Yes, please.

There's a hundred cows, 28 chickens.

How many didn't?

How many didn't?

Yeah.

Because it was their mother?

There's 100 cows and 28 chickens.

How How many didn't?

None.

No.

Priest?

No.

80.

Why?

28 chickens.

28 chickens.

How many didn't?

28 of them.

80 didn't.

Harlan, thank you for being thankful for being a bad friend.

Guys, surprise.

I'm not done.