Bobby Hates Richie

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Hey, what's up, you guys?

My special premieres this week on Hulu.

Hulu!

On Hulu.

We're on Hulu, September 12th.

And check out Andrew.

He's going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco, one of the best comedy clubs in America.

I'm going to go to Brea, Brea, the Brea Improv.

I'm in Tempe.

I've never.

I'm going to come up with...

Are you going to come out for that?

Yeah.

Good.

I'm going to visit my mom.

Then I'm going to be down at the horseshoe in Hammond, Indiana.

I'm going to be at in Hanover, Maryland, Atlantic City, at Borgata, then Harrison Valley Center.

I'm also adding Vegas and another couple of shows.

Go to AndrewSantino.com for those it gets.

AndrewSantino.com and go watch a special this Friday on Hulu.

You better believe it, pal.

I took my dad to a Monday night football game, and then we went out and just got hammered afterwards.

And we were sitting at the bar, just my dad and I, just like,

just leaning against the bar.

And he looks over at me, you know, like how a dad can look over you sometimes.

Giving that smile, you know, that twinkle in his eye.

I'm waiting for him to say he loves me, you know?

And he goes, I'm pissing right now.

Hey, good girl.

Y'all want to shoot guns?

Just run out back.

Yes, queen.

Yes, queen.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm Ron Weasley.

I'm Ron Weasley.

I'm sorry.

I don't even like that one.

Let's move on.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

We can be heroes just for one day.

Miss Bowie,

good night.

Hello.

Welcome to.

Wow.

What a pleasure to be here.

What a pleasure to be here, to be back in the studio.

Andrew's been gone for so long.

One month.

We don't even know what he looked like anymore.

I look the same.

What?

You're pinkish.

Oh, I got a sunburn yesterday.

Yeah, you're pinkish and your attitude is a little aggro.

I'm aggro now?

You spit a gum at me.

And guess what I did to it?

Do you have any proof that this happened?

No, but what did I do?

Head-butted it.

I head-bitted it, butted it away.

You are a soccer man.

Like what George Bush did with the shoe?

Right?

I locked in at the gum.

You're good.

And I saw it in slow motion.

I head-butted it.

Yeah, yeah.

Here.

Yeah.

Here.

I have a packet here, ready?

Yeah, go.

Well, you got to.

Oh, sorry.

You got to put it toward.

I got to get another one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me get one more.

Yeah.

Baseball.

Use the baseball.

But don't throw it, lobby.

This is softer.

Okay, go.

Really good.

Look at that, that's really good.

Did you see that, dude?

Wow.

Did you see that, Jules?

Rudy Jules is back.

Yeah.

At the Korean spa, when I see nuts in my face, Korean nuts, I can do it, dude.

Rudy, what's going on?

Welcome back to the show.

Hello.

Hello.

Energy through the roof.

God, oh, my God.

Hi, hasn't she?

Hasn't washed your car since you gave it to her.

I know.

Not kidding.

We were right next to each other and I was like that is as dirty as you left it as soon as your mom left this morning I woke up in shivers and

in a sweat why

our house is going down

her mom if anyone listening right now you want Filipino in your house her mom

she cleans everything can we put up the website get a Filipino

yeah you had to get a Filipino do it the the way you fold the you know the the socks and the underwear.

Yeah.

Net future.

Where did your mom go?

Back to the Philippines?

She's gone.

Wow.

Ice, huh?

Got her.

Well, she was worried about it.

I called twice.

You called ice?

Yeah, what's for the challenge?

Yeah.

Welcome to ICE.

To get someone deported, press one.

Yeah.

You are 36 in line.

Please hold.

And people hold for hours.

They can't wait.

You know,

fuck Oasis tickets.

They'll fucking hold on for five hours.

How much are those tickets going for right now, Oasis?

What do you think?

What's the average?

Let's guess what the average resale ticket is.

Because they're all sold out.

If we want to go to the Rose Bowl, what do you think that costs for like an average ticket?

I'm guessing like 300, 400 for shitty.

Can I say something controversial?

Yeah.

May I?

Yeah.

They have five good songs.

You're so out of pocket right now.

That's insane.

They have five good songs.

You think Wonderwall.

Keep going.

Bring up their fucking album.

You're telling me they only have five good songs.

I think so.

That whole album was good.

What's that main album?

Don't Look Back in Anger.

Good song.

Super Sonic.

Wonder Wall.

Supersonic.

Great song.

Don't Go Away.

Champagne Supernova.

Don't go away.

Cigarettes and Alcohol.

Never heard of that song.

Definitely maybe.

Sing me Cigarette right now.

Boom.

Sing me Cigarettes and Alcohol.

Right now.

Cigarettes and Alcohol.

Yeah.

Fight me in the school.

Yeah.

Sing me, roll with it.

Roll with it.

Just roll with it.

Just roll with it.

How about Diggsy?

London.

Digsby's Diggs.

What are you going to do?

We're going to roll with it.

Yeah, you don't know any of this shit.

How about fucking in the bushes?

Fucking in the bushes.

Oh, you like Morning Glory?

Supersonic, okay.

Morning Glory, okay.

My point is, is that five.

She's electric.

She's electric.

She's electric.

In the morning, she buzzes

with electricity.

Actually, the importance of being idle is one of their best songs.

Bristol, let me hear it.

The importance of being idle is one of their best songs.

And he actually said that's his favorite song.

Let me bring up something that's wild.

Yeah.

Because I learned something this week.

Those conjoined twin girls had a baby.

No.

Abby and Brittany?

Is that their names?

Brittany and Abby.

They had a baby.

There's no way Brittany and Abby had a a baby.

They did, dog.

Look at it.

Conjoined twins.

Abby and Brittany I've seen carrying their baby.

So the guy's only married to one of the girls.

Yeah.

How does that work?

And we had to Google it.

They share a vagina.

Yeah.

So the other one has to look away when they're hooking up.

The other one doesn't get the name yet.

She has no say.

Is that what it is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if one of them is like, come inside me?

The other one's like, God, please don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They might have mixed feelings about it.

Now, it'd be wild if their baby's conjoined.

Oh, my God.

Conjoined conjoined.

Or do they do three?

Three conjoined, and then they one-upped, right?

Whoa.

Their parent or one-up their moms.

Bot moms.

Mom and dad.

Yeah.

Wow.

Because I learned that this, there's a pitcher that plays in MLB, and he's what's called a mirror-image-identical twin.

Look this up.

This is insane.

I thought identical twins was it.

I thought mirroring is like the same.

No, a mirror image identical twin.

Yeah, look at that.

Taylor and Tyler Rogers are both baseball players.

So his left side is his right side.

So if you looked at each other, it would be like looking exactly in a mirror.

Isn't that fucking

explain it to me?

Mirror image, meaning like

my right side is your left side.

So it's mirror.

It's not, it's not flipped.

Yeah, but if I was your left side, people would think that you had a stroke.

Why is his eyes squinting?

My left side

is Korean.

He had a stroke.

But they're mirror image identical twins, which happens when it splits at a certain time.

And if it splits a second later, they become conjoined.

So they just miss becoming conjoined.

conjoined.

Whoa!

By a millisecond, I think.

Wow.

Isn't that crazy?

That's crazy.

Well, would you, would you ever date?

Would you ever date an identical twin?

I feel like I'd be down.

Yeah.

It's kind of just like a threesome, but like with just one dick.

She goes right for it.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, threesome with one dick?

I don't know.

She says she's getting two for one.

All right.

Oh, you mean two, it's conjoined twins.

No, no, no.

I'm talking about identical twins.

Identical.

You were like conjoined.

Yeah, yeah.

I'd be down to conjoined.

Well,

they don't have two dicks.

Yeah.

No, they have one dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But four balls, oddly enough.

Yeah, yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah.

A lot more to play with, I guess.

Now, if they had two dicks, right, would you sometimes suck the brother's dick or no?

Maybe just caress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you feel bad, because you have empathy.

Yeah, you feel bad.

Yeah.

If I was the other, if I was the other, but I would play, I get a switch.

Dude, I thought of you at the airport.

A guy had a handheld and it was going through his glasses.

What is that?

I'm not fucking president of Sony.

you're video gaming what are you talking about?

Aren't you Samsung?

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

No, a guy had a pair of glasses.

Yeah.

Hiroki Totoki.

I'm not Hiroki Totoki.

That's not you.

That's not you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A guy had a pair of glasses at the airport.

He was sitting waiting for the plane, and he was like this.

He had a controller and he was looking up just with his, with glasses.

Wow.

What is that?

What console is that?

I've never seen that in my entire life Richie kind of knows.

Richie, do you know?

No, I don't.

Well, then get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out of here then.

God damn it, Richie.

Don't nod your head like you know.

Richie's back.

Did we not build him a cage?

i thought we were gonna build him a cage yeah richie's back he's been working out too look oh you know how it is yeah yeah yeah there it is hey baby oh my god oh my god dude richie richie go sit in that chair go sit in that chair

you love rich you love the rich i love rich guys

jules you know richie i've met richie yeah yeah how

and

five yeah seven eight yeah yeah richie's got his um his let's judge his legs i didn't know you were that hairy i wouldn't have assumed he was that hairy dude you have hugh ackman's legs it's kind of hot Yeah, yeah.

Wait, that's hot legs?

You think he's got hot legs?

Do you think that Hugh Jackman would have those legs?

I don't get that.

No, that's more Gerard Butler.

That's Jerry Butler.

Yeah, that's Jerry Butler.

But it's like really nice, manly.

It's the upper body you need to work on.

I think the upper body's okay.

No, no, no.

You have Michael Thulp's upper body.

I try to hide the upper body.

Yeah, yeah.

Usually I'm like, the upper body's the cell.

Yeah.

No, no.

And you have a school shooter's face.

You think the upper body is your best charm?

I think it's all kind of the charm.

I think my face is sort of the, I think it's a little, I'm a whole package, you know?

Right.

You're like a package that they threw over the fence.

Now, um, did you go to the weird L show?

Of course I did.

I got my shirt on right here.

It was the best thing ever.

Was it a good show?

Oh my god, it was amazing.

He did costume changes like every single time.

He had the fat suit for fat.

He had the

dirty Amish paradise beard.

It was

and he plays all the hits.

He doesn't play new songs.

No, I mean a couple new, but like all the hits.

Everything you wanted to hear.

Everything was in there.

It was crazy.

Wow.

Did he?

How many people?

A lot.

What was the name of you?

It was at Kia Forum.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

It felt like not sold out, but like pretty sold out.

Might have been sold out.

A lot of people in the forum.

Dude, he's the man.

Yeah, yeah.

There he was.

There he was.

He killed me.

He's the man.

God, Weird Al is fabulous.

We love you, Weird Al.

We love Weird Al.

Now, you think Weird Al is better than Oasis?

Yeah.

More hits.

He does have more hits.

Yeah.

The Yoda song.

I mean,

Just Eat It.

Yeah, Just Eat It.

Gangster's Amish Parody.

I've met him before.

He's super nice.

White and nerdy.

Polka Face.

I mean, these are all bangers.

My bologna.

My balona.

So good.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

You know, this is one of those guys.

He will last forever and ever and ever.

Forever.

Right?

Because it's clean, family-friendly.

You know who he is?

No.

Okay.

You ever know Weird Al?

No.

No.

Oh, my God.

You've never heard of Weird Al Yankovich?

Wow.

Well, he's a guy who does parody songs.

Yeah.

He does popular songs.

He started in like the late 90s, and he would do popular songs, then remake them.

Like, there's a song called Beat It by Michael Jackson.

Just beat it, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, dunk.

And he wrote a song called Just Eat It, Eat It, Eat It, Dun, Dunk, Dunk, Eat It, Eat It.

Yeah.

And he...

He got sued no less than a thousand times, right, over the years?

No, he would always get the artist permission.

Oh, he did?

I thought he got sued for a couple of times by people.

I'm pretty sure, like, for,

what is it?

It might have been Amish Paradise.

I'm pretty sure he was pissed at him.

Weirdell settled a lawsuit, Sony Music, for Undisclosed Amount 2013, ending a $5 million claim that the record label had

underpaid him royalties.

Oh, that's for him.

For him.

But Amish Paradise, look that up.

Wasn't Kulio.

I think he was not a fan.

Yeah, Coolio hated it.

Yeah.

There's like parody loopholes or something like that.

They're always.

You can parody anything.

That's true.

There's no way around it.

It is true.

There's loopholes to everything.

The controversy of Amish Paradise, Paradise, a misunderstanding between Coolio and Weird Al regarding permission to parody his Gangsta's Paradise, Coolio initially felt disrespected and publicly stated he never gave permission.

Yankovic believed he had received approval through the record-labeled dispute.

Ultimately, cooled down.

Coolio later admitted his reaction was wrong because it only probably sold more albums for him.

That's the irony.

I bet you that just resells more albums for the original.

Oh, totally.

I only knew Amish Paradise for years.

You never knew Gangsta's Paradise.

I didn't know Gangsters Paradise for a while.

Weird Al was like my introduction to half of these songs.

So disrespectful to Coolio.

Insanely disrespectful.

Wow.

Well, it's an honor to Weird Al, though.

Well,

you're a Weird Alien.

I am.

You're a Weird Alien.

Does he call his fans something?

Weirdos?

I'll take it.

Weirdos is kind of a cool one.

I kind of like that.

Weirdos?

If he's not doing that, he should.

Yeah, well, he jumps on every other bandwagon thing.

I'm surprised.

What is it?

The ironic thing about Gangsters Paradise, it's kind of a parody of Pastime Paradise by Stevie Wonder.

So he stole it too?

Well, every rap song has samples from other things, right?

This one's pretty heavily sampled, including the title.

So what?

Does Stevie Wonder have beef with Coolio?

He just might.

Wow.

Didn't see that coming.

Nerd Talk!

It's cool talk.

What is going on here?

We're in Grandma's basement.

Nerd Talk!

Welcome back to NPR.

Today we're going to be just exploring the past of albums and where they came from.

Today, my guest is Richie.

Richie, hi.

Hi, Richie.

Hi.

Happy to be here.

Hey, Richie.

Too loud for NPR.

It's got to be way loud.

I'm really happy to be here.

Yeah.

Yeah, very good.

Very good.

My name is Devon M.

Lewis, and I have my podcast partner, my radio partner here.

And I'm Cassie Schoenfield.

Yeah.

Cassie, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

And I have a question for you.

If you had a time machine, you know what I mean?

What era would you time back to?

It's a fun question that we always ask all of our guests.

We always ask our guests.

We say that to all of us.

And we have also our third mic here.

She-Ra, Oklahoma.

Shira, Oklahoma.

And she's not from Oklahoma.

That's the gag.

That's the gag.

Yeah, the gag.

She's from Tennessee.

She's from Tennessee.

Yeah, anyway.

Oklahoma.

Anyway,

what era?

What era?

The 1980s, of course.

I feel like all the movies came out then.

Oh, wow.

All the movies.

All the movies.

What movies?

Let me guess.

You love gremlins.

What?

Yeah, Weird Science.

Is that your gig?

Weird Science is great.

Yeah, it's amazing.

Ghostbusters the original?

When was that?

What was Ghostbusters 1?

Yeah, Ghostbusters.

870?

Full Metal Jacket.

870s.

Full Metal Jacket's amazing.

Ghostbusters 84.

That's right.

You know, one time I didn't masturbate for like three weeks straight.

And when I did ejaculate, the secret of the ooze.

That marshmallow monster came out of my penis.

It was very interesting.

Yeah,

marshmallow man came out of my penis.

That was a big thing in the 80s, I feel like.

Ooze movies.

Do you guys know that?

Like a lot of movies have ooze in them?

There was a lot of ooze movies.

Ooze is all about ooze.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you an ooze fan, just in general?

I wouldn't say I'm an ooze fan.

I'm more fascinated.

You know, I bet you money you put a lot of gravy on your your biscuits.

I like to put some gravy on your biscuits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you only eat donuts if they have like a little filling in there, right?

Boston cream is the best.

Yeah, yeah.

And I bet you you do this in that little hole where they put the creaming,

the cream, you probably squeeze the donut

so the cream squirts out.

A little bit.

Right.

And you squirt it in your mouth, do you not?

Yeah, you have to look like that happy guy.

He's not wrong.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, The Blob.

Great films.

A lot of ooze movies.

Yeah.

Well, Gak was big from Nickelodeon.

We were coming off the era of Gak and Slop, and

it was a popular thing to put in pop culture.

You know what I would do if I had a time machine?

And we've talked about this, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sharad?

Is that your name?

Huh?

Your name?

What's my name?

Yeah.

What's my name?

I've been on this show for 30 years.

I know.

And you don't know me.

Yeah, yeah.

What's my name?

What's my name?

Yeah, anyway.

Anyway, we've talked about this.

What I would do is

I would

get the recipes for OxyContin, all these opiate drugs, go back to the 1800s, New York, and have a little stand.

You know what I mean?

And I would sell these pills.

I would make a fortune, I think.

Smart.

Yeah, what would you do in a time?

A time society.

Yeah, what would you do at the time machine?

I had an idea once.

It's pretty offbeat, but I would go get an almanac, a sports almanac, and go back in time.

Oh, I see what I, let me guess.

Can I guess?

Yeah.

Right?

You would bet on games you'd already know.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

Yeah.

That's a very good thing.

You know what I would also do is I would find Steve Jobs early when he was living in the garage developing stuff.

Yeah.

And I would give him a million dollars and go,

anything you do, I'll get 10% of your company.

10%.

Yeah, yeah.

Smart.

And the YouTube, that Chinese guy from the YouTube?

Is that the same guy as Sony?

No, it's not the same guy.

Yeah.

What would you do, Oklahoma?

Miss Oklahoma.

Miss Oklahoma.

I would

try to ride the plane from 2001, 9-11.

My God.

And to save.

And would just turn around.

Oh, you would.

Do you have a pilot's license?

Yeah.

Can you imagine?

Rudy gets on one of the flights from 9-11.

She just stands up and goes, turn around.

Nothing happens.

Nothing happens.

Turn around.

Turn around.

That's it.

You wouldn't do anything.

You would just try to make them turn it around.

around.

Give one shot.

That's what you do?

Get on that plane?

Yeah, maybe convince, like, maybe like a blowjob or something.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

He's like, well, what should we do?

Now we're going to get 35 versions when we get up.

Yeah.

Wow.

There isn't one single Chinese guy who owns YouTube.

It's a subsidiary of Google Folks.

No, who's that Asian guy?

I would go to that Asian guy.

Steve Chen.

I would go to Steve Chen and go, hey, I'll give you some money.

Just give me 10% of your company.

And back then, they probably do it.

Of course.

What is Steve Chen doing now?

See, this is the kind of thing.

These guys are quiet.

Taiwanese American.

Let me guess.

Let me guess.

He's riddled with white pussy.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Just pouring it down.

Yeah.

Chen Dog.

Is he married?

Oh, yeah.

He's got a spouse.

He's married.

He's happily married with two kids.

Because you know that Enron.

You remember Enron?

Love Enron.

Big Enron fan.

Really?

Yeah.

Huge.

So, I mean, all of them went to prison, but there was one Asian dude with an accent.

Didn't go.

No, he got out early, a year earlier before the investigation started.

And him and a stripper, you know what I mean?

He met a white girl stripper, this guy, Lu Long Pie.

He got a white stripper from a strip club, right?

Goes,

be my wife, right?

They took all his money and they bought all this property in like, I think Oklahoma or somewhere like that.

Genius.

Yeah, he was a genius.

And they never got him.

Did he still stay with?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's Lulong right now.

Yeah, he's still with the stripper, dude.

$270 million after being forced to sell his shares to satisfy his divorce settlement two months before.

This guy's genius.

He's a genius, dude.

Lu Long Pong.

That's a great documentary.

That's Lu Pai.

Yeah, that's Lu Pai, dude.

No, that's him.

That's him.

Pie was a senior executive at Enron over.

Enron, look at him.

He got out.

He sensed it.

He knew.

You know, what we're doing right here is very, very wrong.

You know what I mean?

I have to, I'm going to go to strip coral,

right?

I know this white girl.

It's very smart to go to a strip club and grab my business.

I'm calling my cousin.

I'm him.

Yeah.

Earl Rang.

Hell.

I got so many wrong things going around.

Errol.

What are you going to do about it?

What do you think I should do?

I don't know.

You want to go to titty bar for a lunch?

Yeah, yeah.

Imagine they just went there for lunch.

Yeah, yeah.

That struck the idea.

Yeah.

That's like social networks.

Something came from nothing.

Yeah.

This guy goes to a strip club and gets a girl.

That's genius.

Yeah.

Because by the way, they need that.

She obviously needs help getting out of her situation.

He needs help.

It's pretty in.

pink.

It's pretty and pink.

It's pretty and pink.

It is pretty and pink.

Pretty and, yeah.

That's kind of the same story.

But he's trying to save them.

Don't you want?

Do you have a savior kind of a thing or no?

Save your mentality?

Yeah.

I think we want to help people a lot.

Yeah.

I don't think we can save most.

Yeah.

Like, we want to help Richie.

We want to try to get Richie laid.

Yeah, yeah.

Richie, do you.

We got some girls.

We have some girls.

You want to do that now?

Yeah, let me see.

Let's see if you can put on your cans there so you can hear some of them.

I like that.

This girl says, Serena says, I'm chill.

I want to say this before.

I know you're, I'm sorry, but Carlos said beforehand that I'm going to be mad because these are some of the girls.

These girls I wouldn't be able to get.

That's not true.

Yeah, yeah.

So let's just see if you're right, Carlos.

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I think it's going to be a tiebreaker.

You think it's going to go down to the wire?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, very good.

And there's going to be an off-size interference.

There's going to be an off-size interference.

So, Chicago Bears are plus one over Minnesota, which sounds good because it's in Chicago.

I have my opinion, but I like that.

It's in Chicago, my hometown in Soldier Field.

Can the Minnesota Vike Queens handle that?

We'll see.

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Let me say this thing.

I get,

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You're an injector.

And at night, I get hunger pain sometimes, right?

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That's what it says.

That looks good.

And it's going to be, you know what?

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Yeah, yeah.

And I'm going to say this.

It satisfies your hunger.

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You know what I mean?

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Yeah, yeah.

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Rocket money.

You know what?

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Too many.

Yeah, yeah.

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this girl said she'd drive tonight for you this is uh serena nicole man i mean i'm pretty flattered she'd drive right down pick me up i don't have to call the uber or nothing i mean this is her that's her wow cute beauty pie what do you think rich i'm pretty flattered i like her this is up your alley up your alley how old how old is her uh she serena she doesn't say i don't know but hold on what does she do for a living i gotta know the yeah there's not enough information on this one i feel like i just based on looks though you would do it but based off of looks yeah but based off of i i don't know her slow investigating tells you she lives in Vegas, and I'll tell you why.

Why?

Why do you think?

How did I guess that?

Let me see.

Based on this photo?

No, I base it on something else.

Okay, go to all the photos.

I want to see.

I want to be an investigator.

The sun.

It's extra sunny there.

It's extra sunny.

No, why?

Why based on that?

Well, go back to the email.

Oh, on the email.

702.

702 is the area code for Las Vegas.

Whoa.

And I put this together knowing because

when she said, I'll drive to Cali tonight, I thought it's got to be a close enough place.

It's got to be Nevada.

702 is Vegas.

Bro, what are you doing in this job, dude?

There's crimes that need me to be solved, bro.

I don't do that anymore.

I told you.

I don't do that anymore.

Are you talking jabbering with that?

You're the FBI caller.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, man.

We got some murders.

I can't do that no more.

I told you.

Not after my brother.

I'm sorry for saying best friend.

He is.

I love him.

Oh, a date with Richie.

This is a mill from cincinnati

oh milfit let mil fit out let me see the photo well zoom in first oh yeah wait what you oh my god

oh my god wait i'm selling her more pass the last one this one's up dude dude this one's off richie

richie what about this one bad friends i hear you're looking for someone to take richie to the weird old concert i think i'm your girl i'm a real life milf with a pretty awesome personality sense of humor and a soft spot for nerdy guys happen to be an i just so happen to be an escrow

which means i know how to make the date feel like the most fun guy in the room and i have the wardrobe to prove it picture richie watching, walking in with me on his arm.

He gets to look like the king of nerds.

I come to party with said king, and everyone wins.

I keep it playful, classy, totally unforgettable, just naughty enough to make a story.

He'll never stop telling.

Candy.

We're flying her out.

Let's do this.

We're going to fly her out.

We're going to fly her out.

She's got to be careful with that kind of shoes on that kind of slippery.

I mean, that's slippery out there by the water.

Tsunami comes.

Yeah, be careful, Candy.

So Candy's an escort and would love to take you out.

I'm interested in sending you out.

Go on to the next bathroom photo.

First thing thing I noticed here has one.

Oh, my God.

She has one of those chalk, those chalk-writing bathrooms.

You can write on the wall there.

But that's a hotel.

How do I know that's a hotel?

The tiles above the tub.

It's a hotel.

And also the pre-established soap dispensers.

You're the best investigator over here.

Look at the soap dispensers.

This is a hotel.

So this is a holiday inn.

How do you know that's Jimmy?

Because she was murdered.

She was murdered at a holiday.

Two hours after this photo was taken.

Explain to me, Jimmy.

Jimmy, how do you know this is a holiday inn?

Because I've been to a lot of holiday inn.

Oh, I see.

What else, Jimmy?

How did the intruder get coming into the bathroom there?

Because she was murdered in the back.

The intruder knocked, knocked, knocked, then said, housekeeping.

She said, go away.

They can shoot you.

You probably went through the door, right, Jimmy?

Front door.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, there's only one door there in the back.

Oh, with her, you can use the back door.

Oh, oh, you can't.

Oh, I see.

I see.

She made it very clear.

I see, Jimmy.

Very clear.

What else?

All right, anyway.

By the way, Richie, let's get a poll of this.

Is this, would you go out with this lady?

Oh, 100%.

This is another young lady.

Let's see what she said.

And friends, I'm not.

Push pause, push pause.

All right.

Already right now.

What?

High teeth functionality.

High teeth functionality.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do you know what that means?

No.

It means that she has great teeth.

Nice teeth.

It's just a scientific way of saying it, right?

You never heard that?

Beautiful eyes, right?

Nails, right?

Healthy.

They're natural.

Natural and healthy.

Nice lips.

No dirt, nice lips, no dirt between the nails.

You're going to say something about the eyes.

Not a ton of makeup.

It looks natural.

It's natural.

Yeah.

Not cakeface.

All right, let's go.

I'm submitting my video

to share why potentially Richie may be interested in taking me to Weird Out.

I just pulled up to my waitressing job, so I am covering up the restaurant's logo.

Go ahead, you go.

We have to guess.

The waitress?

We have to guess the place that she works at.

She's the waitress.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, Tarantino.

Ain't Jimmy.

Yeah.

This lane.

We found her dead bonnie.

Yeah.

Where does she waitress?

Because, you know, we can't figure that out.

I already know.

I know

the color, the maroon of that shirt.

It's a dead giveaway.

It seems like a chain.

It's obby's.

She's got the meats.

She's got the meats.

Okay.

Thank you, Jimmy.

What is it?

I wonder why she wages it.

It's either, you know, my instinct was either, because it is maroon.

It's a high-end,

it's a, hey, Jimmy, stop.

Don't Google it yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I will say, it can't be high-end.

High-end restaurants don't make you wear.

Look how nice, though, that.

It's not like a.

They don't make you wear polos at high-end.

Not high-end, a chain, a high-end chain.

Correct.

Chilies.

Yeah, yeah.

That's not chilies.

That's not chilies.

I know their outfit.

Chili's is all black.

Yeah, yeah.

Idiot.

Yeah.

Applebee's might be.

Applebee's actually might be.

You know what I'm going to say?

Islands.

No, Islands is the Hawaiian shirts.

Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah, Hawaiian shirts.

Red Robin is a no because that's the old one.

I'm trying to think.

Is that even around anymore?

Yeah.

It could also be at a golf place, like at a.

Oh, that's right.

She could work at the country club.

Country Club.

Yeah, that's also very good.

Yeah, yeah.

Or

timely.

Cracker Barrel.

Cracker, man.

Man.

I don't know Cracker Barrel, man.

I don't know, but they wear the white teasers

they wore the white teasers with the well they went through a big DEI change apparently so now everything is different.

I refuse to go in the changed version of that.

Yeah, we won't go back.

If I look and there's that old white Cracker Man with the barrel,

yeah, yeah, I am out.

No, I'm in.

That's the old way.

Yeah, yeah, if that's on there, I go in.

Yeah.

If it's off, I do not go in.

We don't go in.

I do not go in.

You heard it here at Cracker Barrel.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway.

We took you to Cracker Barrel for the first time on the road.

That was amazing.

And remember how much shit you bought from the store?

Right?

I couldn't believe what they had there.

Shocking.

Shocking.

They had everything.

Oh, you're going to say this?

You turned me on to some things there.

What did I do?

The fucking licorice.

Oh, yeah.

Wallabies?

Yeah, Wiley Wallabies.

I had never heard of Wallabies.

That's the fucking place.

I was there for hours.

I had a shopping bag, everything.

He bought about $150 worth of.

And you pointed at Wallabies and you go, man, back in my day or something like that.

I eat them today.

I had two today when I left the house.

I bought them at the airport.

Yeah, I get every flavor.

They're so good.

They're so good.

Green apple, the Wiley Wallaby.

You know Wallabies?

Licorice?

Are you a licorice fan?

These are

so fucking good.

What's the one below it?

Is that Star Anice?

Black Licorice.

Are you a black licorice guy?

I don't like black licorice.

I don't think almost anybody likes black licorice.

Yeah, I don't know why they're going to take them, but it's awful.

You don't like black licorice?

No, definitely not.

Have you had black licorice?

No.

Oh, the flavor is weird.

What does it taste like?

It tastes like Nyquil.

It does taste like shitty NyQuil.

Yeah, shitty Nyquil.

No, but I kind of like Nyquil sometimes.

Yeah, because you know you're going to get a little

buzz.

Buzz buzz on it.

Have you had the

Dake?

Not Dayquil.

What's the other one?

The Z-Quill?

The Z-Quill.

Brother, I can chug this stuff.

Really?

It's bad, dude.

It's so good.

Z-Quill is a non-habit-forming NyQuil, and it's if you're not sick, if you just need to pass out.

Yeah.

Bro, it's fucking awesome.

I should should not be promoting horny after that i get so horny on nyquil so fucking

z quill i mean any quill yeah any quill any quill i get you get horny i get horny on the quill yeah yeah dude i do get horny on the quill because my therapist and i have a deal you know like unisom i can't take unisom anymore do you know why you get too horn i get so horny i have to masturbate the whole porn and then you it's a it's a red flag for me yeah you can't do that if you take three or four like extra ones you get extremely horny but see this says nyquil has found no ties boredom from being sick, the altered mental state from medication, the potential orgasm to temporarily relieve pain might play a role in the perception of increased horniness.

But the dizziness and drowniness, none of this stuff they say attributes, but I think you're right.

Every time I do take drugs like this, also in the morning, I'm so much more morning hard, like morning horny.

I get horny hard.

Horny hard.

Yeah, yeah.

Horny hard.

Yeah.

Horny hard.

Yeah.

I've been getting a lot of morning wood lately.

I just had it today.

And I can't get it.

And then you have to pee, and it's still up.

Yeah, you piss all over the place.

Right, so you have to push it down, right?

I hate that.

You have to do do some sort of like i hate arch to it well i lean against the wall i put my hands against the wall yeah down to the toilet i just stick my fucking

like that that's why i want a urinal at the house eric andre has a urinal at his house and i was always jealous of that a stand-up urinal yeah he's got a urinal and he's got a toilet in his bathroom he built like a little nook where there used to be a cabinet and he put a urinal there i was like yeah why doesn't that come in a house i don't know i don't understand yeah because then then You're never going to pee in the toilet where women pee in.

Just you're only pooping in there.

Yeah.

I wanted a urinal my wife said no i was like why not well you have several bathrooms you have like six bathrooms in that mansion that you live in so i mean maybe one of the wait we have

yeah yeah yeah

nine ten eleven thirteen

anyway and then the maid's quarters 21.

i don't know why we never i wanted to put one in testosterone levels increase during rem sleep so maybe you're getting such good sleep your testosterone your tea goes up which gives you harder erections this is morning wood yeah oh that's what it is you get morning wood still rich dog oh every morning how old are you 24 That'll go away.

Yeah, yeah.

That'll go away.

It slides.

No,

as an older adult, I'm getting them more.

Yeah, but you don't always get them like him every day.

No, but I do.

And I'll tell you why.

You do now.

No more masturbation.

Wow.

Why?

Because it's unhealthy for me.

Jerk.

Every relationship I've ever had, that was the downfall of every relationship.

You jerking off.

Yeah, because it gets to a point where it's like, you know, you get kind of bored, you know.

Having sex with them.

With the same person, right?

And so, in my, and then I preferred doing that over that, and it destroyed every, and it's, it, it, it, it interferes with intimacy, intimacy, it can, yeah, yeah, it can.

And so, for me, it's like, once I weeded all that out, it's like natural sex life.

Are you gonna have you have a natural good sex?

Yeah, natural, good, el natural.

All right, let's get back to the screen.

Let's go back to that.

Let's get, but let's get Richie a date.

Sorry, this poor girl.

Sorry.

So, I mean, I like to think, you know, I genuinely vibe to any kind of music.

I grew up on 70s classic rock.

I love disco.

Pause.

I'm not.

I do feel bad that all these people are trying to go to the Weird L concert.

It already happens.

It already happened.

But we can set up another date.

Yeah, we can pick up some.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

She has a kind of a Tony Coletti vibe, too.

I love Tony Colette.

Yeah, she's great.

She's gorgeous.

Not going to lie.

I don't know who Weird L is.

Pause.

I like her.

I like her too.

You can turn her on to something she's never seen before.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, you can't do that.

You can educate educate her.

Educate her.

Oh,

he's not country.

Oh, he's not country.

If not, then, yeah,

I promise you, I vibe to any other genre of music.

You know, if it's a good, beautiful setting, good drinks, great conversation, good vibes.

I'm down to vibe to anything, truly.

I have been trying to meet new people.

It has been a focus point for me this year.

So I've been

kind of successful.

Push pause real quick.

I like her.

She's nice.

There's something that's bothering me.

What is it?

Hey, Jimmy, guess what it is?

I don't miss something about the necklace.

Zoom in on the necklace.

What is that?

Is that a Saturn?

Is that a pentagram?

What is that?

It's close.

It's a planet.

It's close.

My guess from far away, it's religious.

Her hand has been stuck in that position the whole fucking time.

She's covering up for the...

She doesn't want to show you what she works.

What's wrong with that?

Go back to the girl.

Let's see.

Does she live in L.A.?

Let's find out.

Excuse it.

I let work getting in the way and college and all that.

Whatever, yada, yada.

Also, I really admire Richie's willingness to get down and dirty.

I like a man who can get his hands dirty.

Uh-oh.

Love that he was willing to clean up Bobby's pet shit.

I don't like it.

I've met your attention before, and I think the concert tickets were a great gesture.

And if he's just looking for a nice girl, go have some time, a good time, you know, go listen to some good music, get to know each other.

You know, this could be a start of a beautiful friendship, something more, maybe nothing.

I don't know.

But if he just wants, you know.

They are wearing the same color shirt.

You listen.

I know I tested it.

I heard an East Coast twang there.

So she is not from here.

But I'm from the East Coast.

Well, you live here, fucking.

I do.

Yeah.

What did she say at the end?

Tonight, enjoying.

Sorry.

I have bangs, and I don't know how to style them.

I just got them cut last week.

Anyway,

hit me up if you're interested, Richie.

Otherwise, I do have a great time at the concert.

And P.S., I don't know if you could tell from my accent.

I am from New York, unfortunately.

I'm sorry if that ruins things.

But if you can't find any girlies in LA, feel free to reach out to me.

Otherwise,

she lives in she's from Long Island.

She's living in LA.

She said, if you can't find anyone in LA.

No, yeah, she lives to Barlow.

You're fired.

You're fired.

Is that it?

There's got to be one.

There is a few more.

No, I understand why you couldn't get out of those escape rooms.

I think her LA is at, she's from LA.

He's on it today.

Dude, he's on one today.

I like when he gets all

who's this?

Can we address this?

No, what the hell?

All right, Texcob here.

He likes fucking with you.

Look at him.

All right, who's this?

Texcob?

Let's hear him.

I can fuck with you too, dude.

But I'm not gonna.

Go ahead.

I have some fucking bullets in my gun.

God, he's been away from us for so long.

He's so happy to see us.

I love him.

He's fogging up the shades again.

Yes, you do.

Whoa.

Oh, my.

This is where I go.

Zoom in.

This is where I go crazy.

Zoom in.

I am willing to make Richie's dreams come true to be his date, and I I haven't done any charity in a minute, and I like weird-looking boys.

This white boys, this is me.

Zoom in.

Whoa.

Whoa!

I'm sold.

Drop all the others.

Wow.

Really?

Yeah, that checks in.

Let me hold her.

Oh my gosh.

We found her.

She's so pretty.

Oh, we found her.

Look at you.

Do I test a little jealousy out of you?

Did I smell a little jealousy?

Actually, no, and I'll tell you why off-screen.

Had it already or something?

Already tasted it?

No.

Whoa.

All right.

I mean, Richie, if I did hook up with a girl like long ago, would you hook up with her or no?

I mean, yeah, but it would be after, well, then we'd have to talk about it.

No, I don't, you don't even need to talk about it with me.

Well, because we're like friends.

No, no, no, no.

We're not friends.

You're my employee.

I'm your employee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll never get my number.

Yeah, but that's like dating my bosses.

It doesn't matter.

Just go ahead.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly.

I'm going to give you a ticket.

Sadie, Sadie, Sadie Sopler, Thousand Oaks.

She's in Thousand Oaks.

She's 5'10.

She's a tall girl.

Okay.

And this is me.

I'm taller.

This is me, by the way.

Let's see what she looks like.

Oh, my God.

Richie.

Richie.

We want some good submissions.

Yeah, Richie.

That's the one, Richie.

She also sent a video.

Oh, that's the video.

Hi, Richie.

My name is Sadie.

I live in Thousand Oaks.

I'm local-ish, okay?

And I was going to email Carlos for your number regardless and then i heard that you need a date to weird owl

that i know the deep cuts i have been a weird owl fan forever um

she's the best let me think of some weasel stomping day virus alert like i'm talking about deep cuts not just amish paradise okay

um my birthday is august 29th And I want to go to Weird Al with you to celebrate my birthday.

Oh, man.

So I'm sorry, we just missed it, but she was the one I would have called.

We should have done this episode the other day.

Why didn't we film this two days ago?

He's freaking out.

Oh my god, I could have gone with her.

I already got my dad.

She liked you and not me.

That guy could have gone with her.

I'll take her anywhere.

I'll take her to Belize.

No, she won't provide me.

I'll take her to Belize.

She was asking for me.

Yeah, my shit.

Every night, every meal.

No.

You can't provide shit.

I could provide.

Nothing.

I could provide.

I'm providable.

Yeah, you're not providable.

You got nothing.

You got nothing.

I have a lot.

You smell.

I give up.

Every time I walk by you, you smell, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

You smell pretty good.

Yeah, and your breath smells good, and you have film over your teeth.

That's outrageous.

I can't fucking believe it.

Dude, I love how jealous this is going to make him

awesome.

I will not allow you to go all with her.

Carlos.

It's too bad.

She already emailed.

Carlos, get her number for Richie for sure.

We need to make this.

I included it in the email.

Oh, it's out.

It's out.

Woo!

It's unfathomable to me.

Oh, my God.

It just got better.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, Richie.

Oh, it just got better.

You will no longer be working here.

Do not go out with her.

No, go ahead.

Let me see.

I have a car, so I can get to you.

Oh, my God.

Now you got a whole package.

She drives.

Oh, let's.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, they're allowed to drive now.

I can't believe this.

Jesus.

How is this?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Get her out of here.

You can't bring her around the studio.

Oh, get her out of here.

Oh, my God.

She's so hot.

That was the grand finale.

Okay, that's the grand finale, and that's a good one.

Well, how old is this girl?

How old is this girl?

She didn't say, I don't think.

Yeah.

But she said she knew deep cuts of Weird Al.

So obviously she's not.

She's got to be in her 30s, I would imagine, right?

Might have a lady.

No, no, I say that.

No, she's probably 26.

24.

24.

Too young.

24 to 26.

Yeah.

Around that age.

Too young.

Too young.

Go ahead, Richard.

Oh, my God.

She's perfect.

Yeah.

You like her?

You're excited?

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

I'm going to get tickets to another concert now.

When's the last time you went out on like a proper date with a girl?

A proper, proper date it's been a while what are we talking like a proper proper proper date like how proper richie a fucking date with a girl just it's been a couple months it's been a couple of months a couple months okay couple months or a couple years

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Zock Docs.

Oh my God.

I'm hurt too.

How?

I'm hurt too.

We're both hurt.

What do we do?

I don't know.

You know what I hurt?

What?

I bet you, let's sit together.

Sock dock.

Oh, wow.

You know what it is?

It's a free app and website where you can search and compare high-quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment, Andrew.

It's so easy.

When I moved to the neighborhood, I got to tell you, I was annoyed.

I couldn't go back to the old doctor.

It was too much of a drive.

And I was like, where do I got to go?

What do I got got to do?

And you said, just get on Talk Doc, you dummy.

And I did.

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That is amazing.

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Wow.

Once you find the right doctor, Andrew, you can see their actual appointment opening.

Oh, you see this.

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That's right.

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Yeah, you can do it right there.

And they got more than 100,000 doctors across every single specialty.

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I do want to play catch up with Juliana and see what's going on with the Rudy Jewels in your world.

What has been up in your world?

What's going on with you in your dating life?

Single?

Zero.

Zero?

You're over it now.

Yeah.

You don't want to go back.

No.

You're done.

I'm good.

But Tito Bobby's been, we've been doing movie marathons.

Yep.

And he's just been showing me

all the

classic movies.

So we went good fellas.

So I'm going to throw some movies out.

Yeah.

And one through ten, you tell me.

Okay.

Good fellas.

Ten.

Ten to me.

Ten.

Ten.

What'd you get?

I'll do eight.

Okay, I respect the name.

Okay.

Taxi driver.

9.

9.

Yeah, I agree.

You like taxi driver over good fellas?

I like that.

It's so dark.

It is funny.

Yeah, yeah.

It's rad.

No country for old men.

10.

Wow.

That's my top one.

That's easy 10.

Easy 10.

It's so good.

Yeah.

Raising Arizona.

10.

You like Raising Arizona?

I love you.

I love you.

Oh, no.

It's so nice.

You're so

hitting home runs right now.

Right?

But here's, I know what this answer is going to be.

Watch this one.

What?

Fargo.

Oh, dude.

One.

One.

Oh, what?

What in the fuck are you talking about?

The guy was just so annoying to me.

Yeah.

I couldn't watch it because he was just so stupid.

William H.

Macy?

Yeah.

Who's the main guy?

William H.

Macy.

He's brilliant.

Yeah.

I couldn't.

I couldn't.

He does such a good job in that movie.

That's crazy that you didn't like that.

He is annoying in it, though.

But that's the fucking point of the character.

Yeah.

The desperation.

Yes, he's supposed to be a fucking, like,

a ripe loser.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's perfect.

You cannot.

Yeah.

Oh, it's so good.

I like the one with Brad Pitt.

That one's better.

Burn After Reading.

Oh, so good.

So good.

Burn After Reading is good.

So good.

Brad Pitt is so funny in that movie.

Yeah, dude.

He's the best.

It's good, but it's not in that level.

of Fargo.

I don't think it is.

No, it's not a Fargo movie.

But Fargo is...

It's pretty good, though.

Yeah, but Fargo is like a perfect movie.

It's such a good movie.

They made it a TV show.

That's how you know a movie is really a banger when when they're like, we got to do this again somewhere else.

Yeah, because of Fargo, though,

your reaction to it, I didn't do The Big Lebowski.

Oh, it's so good.

What do you mean?

You did Lebowski.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's another Cohen Brothers movie.

She's going to hate it.

That's why, if you don't like Fargo, you're not going to like The Big Lebowski.

I'll still try it.

Yeah, yeah.

I watched Ethan.

The dude.

Oh, my God.

I watched Ethan's movie alone when I was in Chicago.

You call him Ethan like you know him.

I don't like that.

It was Mr.

Ethan Collins.

Yeah, I saw Bobby's movie.

You mean Goodfellas?

No, no, you're right.

Marty?

No, Marty.

You're fucking fucking.

You mean Marty?

Cut that part out.

No.

Yeah, cut that part out.

No, that's sticking in.

That made me look like a fool.

That made me look like a fool, dude.

No, no.

No.

Yeah, it's foolish.

What do we got here?

Oh, is this our boy?

This is our Spaniard replacement.

He's live.

He's too good now.

Before he didn't look that good.

Give me the phone.

You like him, huh?

All right.

Hey, Bob, there we are.

Why does he have a Dragon Ball Z shirt?

Is it because I'm Asian?

He likes anime.

why are we muted on our side yeah you're not hello hey what's hey buddy

christopher thank you thank you for having me oh i like the voice yeah okay yeah chris yeah

it's not because you're asian i like anime

okay okay okay he likes anime okay good where are you from again chris and i like chinese food too

perfect chris where are you from buddy i'm in new york right now

where are you from kiddo oh I'm from Dominican Republic.

I love this guy.

Dominican Republic?

Dominican Republic.

We own that.

I know what that is.

Yeah, they're one of ours.

Yeah, they're one of ours.

You're from America.

You're from Island America.

I get it.

I get it.

He's just like you.

He's a little assistant.

I like it.

He's a nass.

Where do you live in New York?

Let me guess.

Let me guess.

Hold on.

Can you guess?

Yeah, I'm going to say Queens.

I'm going to say Brooklyn.

Close, close.

Close?

Oh,

close to those?

Yes.

You're not in Queens.

You're not in Brooklyn.

No.

You're not in fucking Long Island.

No.

No, you're not in Harlem.

No.

You're not in the city.

Manhattan.

No, he's not in the city.

I know.

Greenwich Village.

What's that?

Green.

He's not in the village.

That's in Manhattan.

Oh, okay.

You're not in Brooklyn.

You're not in Queens.

You're not in Harlem.

Staten Island.

You're not in Staten Island, are you?

You're in Jersey.

Wow.

What is it?

Alban Albany.

Albany?

Albany.

That's not fucking New York.

God damn it.

That's upstate New York.

That's upstate.

That's like Oneonta.

I think I thought that because it's New York.

Why?

Albany is not part of New York.

It's in the state of New York.

We're talking about the city.

It's like when people go, I live in California, where?

Bakersfield.

Right.

It's not the same.

No, that's like saying, I live in Los Angeles.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I live in.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

There's no logic there.

Yeah.

Okay, sorry.

I got it.

You get what I'm saying or no?

All right, so listen, Chris, Chris, are you willing to relocate to Los Angeles?

Yes.

He is.

What do you do for a living, Chris?

I work in

an electronic assembler.

Oh, shit.

He's got a good job.

Do they pay him?

No, he's Geek Squad at Best Buy.

Huh?

I don't think that's that good.

You work for Best Boy?

Best Boy?

Best Buy.

Oh, do you work for Best Boy?

No.

Okay.

You can't tell us the company name.

We won't say.

We'll blank it out.

Yeah.

Wait, Chris.

I can't say it, but if you can bleep it out.

Yeah, we'll bleep it out.

What is it?

We'll bleep it out.

I promise.

It's like a really low end company.

It's called.

Chris, Chris, Chris.

What's like, I know you have a chair, but you have have a little bit of a padding there.

What's the padding?

Can we see?

It's from

one of my favorite games.

Uh-huh.

I love this guy.

I'm a huge anime fan, so.

And these are all the girls you've jerked off to.

Is that your cum rag on your chair?

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

You're a big anime fan.

And how old are you?

I'm 32.

32, and you're single?

You got a wife, wife, family, kids?

What do you got?

I'm single.

Okay, have you ever been in a relationship?

No.

We got to get this.

This guy's.

You're perfect for this show.

Well, are you a virgin, Chris?

Yeah.

No.

No, I didn't.

Are you religious?

Is it going against your religion?

No.

Okay.

I don't believe in any of that.

Okay, good.

Well, what do you believe in, Chris?

Like, what do you believe?

What do you believe in?

I believe in the bad friends podcasts.

Damn, dude.

Damn, this guy's the guy, dude.

This is our guy, dude.

All right, so I want to say this.

I love him.

If you come out here,

where do you live right now?

We have to find a place for you.

You might be able to live in the studio because our studio kind of looks like your apartment.

Yeah.

Where is this apartment?

If you give me internet, I'm good to go.

We have more than internet.

We have Wi-Fi.

This is great.

This is amazing.

I need to watch my anime.

Yeah.

You need to watch his animals?

You have animals?

Anime.

Animus.

Oh.

Anime.

If he did have an animal, he would have reptiles.

Connivers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And spiders.

Snake guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got something to show up with.

Oh, wow.

I love this guy so much.

Better than Andreas.

I mean, I'm not even kidding.

I agree.

Oh,

you have a Ginger too.

Yeah.

What's his name?

He is.

I'm I'm blanking out right now.

You don't know your cat's name?

Leo.

Leo?

Leo?

Is that someone else's cat you just stole?

Kind of.

What?

It's my sister's.

It's your sister's, yeah.

I kind of take care of it, so.

Oh, you li do you live at your sister's house?

No, I live at my mom's house.

Okay, your mom's house.

Okay, wow.

You're in the basement.

Yes.

This is our guide.

Underground.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're underground.

That is a cool way to say I live in a basement at my mom's house.

We got to get a private detective to do some research and stuff like that, I think, first.

Yeah, yeah.

Before we fly you out here, we do need to do a background check.

Background check, yeah.

Make sure that.

Have you ever committed any crimes of any kind?

No, not yet.

No, no, don't say yes.

If you were to commit a crime, what would it be?

Larson.

I have an idea.

Okay.

Petty theft.

I will let you know when I do it.

Okay, y'all.

It'll be us.

So, yeah.

The whole world will know.

Yeah.

Bad friends murdered by Dominican immigrant.

Chris.

Hey, I'm here legal.

So, yeah.

Okay, good.

That's good.

We don't care.

Have you seen this show?

We don't care.

Half of this crew is illegal.

Well, Chris, we might have to make it a way for you to get out here.

Would it be hard to get you off of work to come out here?

No, not at all.

Okay.

I got my, I barely can take days off, so my vacation time is

start.

You got a lot.

He saves his holiday fucking.

Have you ever taken a vacation, Chris?

Yes.

Okay, where did you go?

Where did you vacation to?

I went to Canada for a camping time.

Where in Canada?

Oh, Canada camping's good.

I have that.

I don't know.

I don't, I don't know.

I went to Edmonton, saw the oil fields.

He was there 10 years ago, so I don't remember the place.

He was kidnapped.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever been anywhere tropical?

Tropical?

Yeah.

He's from the Dominican Republic.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I've been here in the US.

I'm a good detective.

The guy's from a fucking island.

The guy's from a fucking island.

I'm not good.

I'm not good.

Have you ever been anywhere tropical?

He's from a fucking island.

Oh my god, I'm so dark.

Have you ever been to the beach?

It's like the

Camino Cerrado

thing.

Oh, dude.

He's fancy.

And the Michael, Michael Jeep Jordan.

Michael Jeep Jordan.

Yeah, yeah.

Chris, Chris, can you tell us a joke?

Just tell us a quick joke before we let you go.

Give us a joke.

One joke.

What do you call

a nation with one leg?

A nation with one?

One leg?

What, what?

Taiwan shoe.

That's so good.

That's clean, too.

Taiwan shoe.

Oh, yeah.

He's got some.

Is it a nation joke?

Because that'd be so funny if it only had nation jokes.

Wait a minute.

Let me think.

Let me think.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A fat psychic.

Yeah.

A 4-chinteller.

I don't even get it.

A 4-chin teller.

Oh, a 4-chin teller.

We need more.

Give me another.

Give me another one.

Wait a minute.

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off the cliff?

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Why?

So many reasons.

Why did the Mexican always lie?

The funniest thing you've ever said.

Why did the Mexican?

Because he wanted tequila.

Tequila.

Tequila.

I see.

You bring that kind of energy to the West Coast, Chris.

This might just work out.

I think we might have to have him as an interim replacement hoe

in the booth.

So you're willing.

It depends what I can do.

I don't know if I can do too much.

No, no, no.

We won't have you do almost anything.

You don't have to do anything.

We just need you to be there.

We just want you to be there.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Well, let's take a vote.

Let's take a vote here.

Who thinks Chris is suited for the show?

Right here, dude.

Unanimous.

Wow, Chris, that's everybody.

I don't know why you're raising your hand, Richie.

He's replacing you.

Yeah, replacing you.

All right, Chris.

Well, we appreciate you, man.

Hopefully, we'll see you soon out here.

Okay, buddy.

Thank you guys for having me.

Thanks for being back with me.

We love you, buddy.

We love you, Chris.

Last week.

Yeah.

Don't go yet.

Yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

No, no, no.

I didn't know.

Yeah.

Last week was my

30.

Two years old birthday.

Yeah.

We just call it a birthday.

Yeah.

Yes.

And that was the same day that I saw the episode where you guys saw my submission.

Oh, wow.

And when I heard that, I was like, wait, are they listening to my video submission?

I was laughing and it just made my whole day.

We love you.

Actually, it made my whole week

to give, to respond to the email sooner because I was waiting the whole week for an email response.

We love you.

Oh, Chris, you're comfortable.

We got to get this guy to LA.

All right, Chris, we love you, buddy.

We got to go.

We got to go, bud.

We'll talk to you soon.

Thank you.

Okay, bye, buddy.

Yeah.

Bye, dude.

Yeah.

Love him.

I love that fucking guy.

Love him.

I love that guy.

Yeah, yeah.

We got to get him.

What do you think?

He's so funny.

Cute.

I'm not kidding.

Very cute.

You got to get that guy to LA.

We got to get him here.

We got to, you boys.

I'm not kidding.

We got to.

You know what?

It's okay to live at your mom's house at 32.

I didn't say anything negative.

I just said it kind of.

Your energy was a little judgy.

No, no, no.

I thought it was true because it looked like a basement.

It looked like a basement.

I knew it was a basement.

It was subterranean.

There were no windows.

And also,

put him up in a hotel and we'll fly him out.

You're going to get him some confidence, you know what I mean?

Because I just, he's a handsome guy.

We'll put him on the show.

He'll get pussy from the show, I'm sure.

Look at all these fucking losers get pussy from the show.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Plus, it's the only show who can have four, I mean, 20 producers that do nothing.

So, yeah, dude, the resentment out of this man.

The resentment is bananas.

He hates everybody.

Yeah.

Do you even want to keep doing the show?

Yeah.

No, he hates it.

God, dude, you're out of pocket.

He's out of pocket, dude.

What's going on with you, man?

What is this?

Richie at our first episode in the studio.

Well, how long ago was that?

That's 22.

20.

Wait, no, three years ago.

Wow.

Wow.

So you were in his school in

Alberta.

Puniepiac.

Yeah, I was an Andres' student and then came here the first time.

I was like touring and then got the job.

You look less annoying in this photo.

I look less?

Yeah, you look cute there.

You kind of look like Andres.

You look cuter now.

Yeah.

You do look like Andreas.

So how did he hit you up?

He hit you up, Andreas, for the intern job?

No, when we were

meeting more people,

I knew him and another girl, Emma, who's also in this picture.

We remember Emma.

Emma, yeah.

She was on the show.

She sat on camera, right?

So yeah they both were coming to lay at the same time so

wonderful interview yeah yeah how do you like um l a richie oh generally that's not love it i don't give a fuck how you go good yeah no what where do you live with echo park no i'm in burbank i'm very close by he doesn't have a car yeah you walk here rich

you walk here i gotta ride from carlos but oh yeah yeah

pick him up that's very nice that's very nice what are your cross streets we're gonna cut it out what am i what what are your cross streets like what is that Intercept, like the big bulldog.

I'm right in downtown Burbank, downtown Burbank by the AMC.

You don't know the address.

No, I didn't mean I know my home address.

Andrea Jen's here.

I don't know why she did that.

Dude, honestly, you didn't know what a cross street is, your major intersection.

I don't have a car.

When did you get here?

That's a car.

What?

Go off.

What's up?

Sit down.

Come sit down, you fucking idiot.

Come sit down.

Yeah, but have her stay there.

Jen Zers.

What are you doing with your fucking shades on?

It's sunning out.

Yeah.

Hi.

She's like a

sneaky Chinese assassin.

She is this Chinese assassin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're inside.

There's no sun here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Take the glasses off.

It's all right.

Do you want me to take it off?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I like that they're on.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Tim Rirun.

Tim Rirun.

Timo Rirun.

Yeah.

So you have workout workout gear.

Yeah, we're going for a walk.

You?

Yeah, me?

You never go.

I've been a walker.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

I go hiking all the time.

You just go to the entrance and then you go back home.

Oh, my God.

The last time I did it, I went all the way around.

Oh, my God.

Are you guys going for a hike?

Yeah, we're going for a hiker.

Around the reservoir.

I don't know what it is.

Are you really?

Yeah.

Around.

That's why I'm wearing these.

Oh, your workout shoes?

Yeah, this is my workout shoes.

Those are the shoes you wear every day.

I know, but the pants.

Oh, okay.

That's why I'm doing this.

What, you're going to go around Silver Lake?

No, the

Hollywood Reservoir.

Yeah, right on.

He said, pick me up.

Is it uphill?

No, it's all.

No, it's all flat.

It's all flat.

I can do it.

I can do it.

Yeah, you can.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of all things.

Incline, no way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no incline.

There's no incline.

But can I just say this?

I haven't, I woke up.

I went straight here.

I haven't had anything in my body.

No, no, you've never, I've never heard this before.

Bobby's food.

Bobby's mad today because, because, um, there was a guy in the show, Richie.

You know, Richie, Richie, pop your little stupid head in.

So,

oh, God.

So, we did, so we did submissions for girls to take him out on a date or him to take them out on a date, and he got some babes on there, and Bobby's a little jealous.

I wasn't jealous, a little.

What?

They're really hot.

Yeah.

Well, this girl was

very attractive, and she loves him.

And Bobby was a little upset about it.

I was not mad.

He was upset.

Oh, my God.

He was a little upset.

Yeah.

Anyway,

he want her?

Yeah.

No, I was just like, I couldn't believe it.

That's all.

It was just the absurdity.

He was mad.

Yeah.

Richie has no car.

But do you find

you find Richie attractive?

Is he attractive?

There's like a cuteness.

Yeah.

Like a boyish thing.

Yeah.

Not like a man thing.

But you would never.

I would.

No, you wouldn't.

You know what you're lying?

You date Hollywood directors.

No.

Oh, no, I'm not, because I'm tired of a Chinese attitude.

But I will say.

You would.

Yeah, yeah, no.

You wouldn't with Richie.

There's no way.

I wouldn't.

Richie.

Yeah.

Do not believe this communist liar.

Yeah, she lies.

She means none of this.

There's a cuteness.

This is how they get you.

Yeah, yeah, that's how they get you.

You'll be working in a factory.

Your bank account is gone.

It's gone.

That's a cuteness, right?

Two days later, I have nothing in the...

Yeah, she did it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Yeah, yeah.

And you get no action from it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He doesn't fuck it up.

Don't you think so?

I like his legs.

But you would never go out with him.

No.

Yeah, yeah.

What?

Filipinos are fucking honest.

Yeah, they are.

That's what I love about Filipinos.

You do like Filipinos.

No, not at all.

Disgusting.

Come over here and show your legs.

She likes his legs.

This is.

His legs are thick.

See, I don't understand this.

What is that?

Oh.

Thick legs.

Yeah.

Oh.

Get the fuck out of here.

Look at his upper body.

Look at his upper body.

It's a creep show.

Look at the walking creep show.

He's cute.

He's cute.

Yeah, Andrea, don't lie.

Yeah, why are you?

I'm not lying.

Stop it.

And then the last, can I just say this?

That's pissing me off.

Her last boyfriend?

K-pop star.

No.

Oh,

he was not a star.

No, he was like a rapper.

Whatever.

Indonesian rapper.

Yeah, but he knows Indonesian.

He rapped 30,000 people at a show.

Do you know Rich Bryan?

No.

Okay.

Yeah, nobody knows.

I don't know who the fuck is.

Yeah, look up Rich Bryan right now.

People who are cute.

Yeah.

Oh, I know this guy.

Yeah.

I do know this guy.

Yeah.

So, you know.

He looks cool.

You're going to go from that to Richie.

You're not going from that to Richie.

I think he.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at him.

Richie will never be on a red carpet.

That's exactly.

That's just like love on the spectrum.

Yeah, yeah.

Rich, though, I want to see you take that girl out on a date and enjoy it.

Bad friends will take it.

Yeah, bad friends will give you a budget.

We'll give you a budget.

We'll give them a budget.

But here's the deal.

Carlos.

No, not Carlos.

McCone has to be your chauffeur for the night.

He's your Uber driver.

So he can.

And Macone set up a GoPro in the car so he can capture the interaction.

I'm driving.

No, dude.

Yeah, I'm driving.

No, you'll savage her.

No, no, no, I'm not going to savage it.

They want them to be safe.

You're going to steal her.

No, I'm not going to.

What?

You're going to steal.

That's crazy.

She gets out of the car.

I got to be the driver.

She's like, what's up with that Chinese guy driving us?

But you want her.

Yeah.

What?

But you want her.

I don't want nobody, dude.

First of all, you act as if that's owning human beings.

I don't want anything.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're free people.

Oh, I get how you act.

They're free people.

You think you own women?

Yeah, yeah, they are.

You're a pig, dude.

You're a pig, dude.

You're a pig person.

I know.

It's a mutual.

So women are below you.

Is that what you're saying?

No, no.

Interesting.

That's what Carlos heard.

Let me say this.

Richie, go get me another Red Bull.

Richie, go get me another Red Bull.

I have an idea while he gets that.

I drive.

I rent a suburban, okay?

And it's you and him and her together.

It's a tri date.

And I'm the chauffeur for that.

That's fun.

I take you guys out, and it's a competition to see which one of you.

It's not for me, babe.

It's for your enemy.

I see,

it's a three-way, and I'm like the moderator, and we see which of you guys lands the girl at the end of the night.

That, to me, is more fun.

It just depends on how old she is because she's not over 30.

I can't do it.

All right, so look, maybe we'll set up a three-way date.

She might be down.

Ask her if she's interested in that, Carlos.

And it'll be like a, it'll be a dating show.

That will be love on the spectrum.

We'll see you guys.

Or it could be, you know, here's what it could be, okay?

It's me teaching Richie.

Coaching.

like a coach yeah love like a love coach yeah love coach that'd be good you know i mean i'm gonna wear some threads i know how you're gonna dress i'm gonna suit it up by then are you gonna dress nice richard oh yeah

what's nice what's nice for you like do you got what do you what do you do you do the collared shirt yeah i do like a collared shirt a little button down a little nice pants slacks and we go in jeans i'm gonna get a new suit he's gonna get he's gonna go get an italian handmade suit yeah yeah i'm gonna get a new suit you know he's gonna fuck you over he's gonna outshine you the whole day bobby's wearing and then just one up.

You're gonna one-up Bobby.

I'm gonna try it.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

You got a lot of nerve, bud.

I'm excited for this date.

Train me.

We could be like Anakin and Obi-Wan, but not with the fighting at the end?

No, no, the fighting at the end.

Oh, that's probably fake.

Let's get you a Prada suit.

Yeah, it's a karate kid.

Let's get you a Prada suit, Bobby, a $4,000 Prada suit.

Yes.

Let's get him a real nice suit.

Yes.

And then Richie, we'll go take you to men's warehouse.

You pick out anything you want.

So, Andrea, just go back to her.

Yeah, yeah.

She's moving up in the world.

She's now, she opened for Bilberr.

I know.

Right.

Ronnie Chang.

I know.

Right.

Whitney Cummings now.

Okay.

And John Mulaney.

Yes.

Yeah.

So you're on the rise.

And she flaked on a gig with me.

So am I a tier below them?

No.

No, be honest.

Bad friend.

You haven't been on Bad Friends.

This podcast is all about honesty and being real and authentic.

That was a mistake.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have flaked on it.

She tried to give me shit.

She was like, who are you taking on those new dates?

And I said, Devontre Coleman.

She goes, oh, I guess anti-woman.

That's what she said.

Yeah, that's how you get your gigs.

No, I said anti-Chinese.

I did say anti-Chinese.

It's

with female.

Let me ask you this.

If Devontre,

right, two days before a gig says, I can't go.

What would you do?

I got to get another black guy.

Yeah.

I got to get another black guy.

Exactly.

My show is for young black men.

Yeah, I know it is.

Mine too.

That's what I put out there.

There's no black people in the audience.

Also, when she she gets it, she was like, How come you wouldn't take me on any of those dates?

You get so much work.

Oh, so you ask.

She did.

Well, that's sneaky Chinese shit.

She opened for me and then you asked my partner?

She did.

Yeah.

I want to open.

I want to open for everyone.

She wants to open for every single headliner.

And I was like, no, you already get so much work.

You open for Burr and then Melanie.

No, no.

We have to spread it around.

I'm greedy, Chinese.

She's greedy Chinese.

Oh, she's the greedy kind.

That's what I respect, though.

But you know what she's not?

They know they're greedy.

She's not the cut-in-the-line kind.

No, she'll wait.

I've waiting lines with you.

She'll wait.

Yeah, yeah.

That's why we love you.

You're going to wait.

But I will say, man, the Chinese are good.

They're so sneaky.

They're so good at what they do.

God.

No, but you're getting so much work.

You don't need it.

You're cruising.

Bobby, I'm sorry.

That was a mistake.

Let me say something, okay?

But can I say that?

I think you're one of the fastest, funniest rising comics.

She's doing great.

Yeah, I think you're so funny and original and all that stuff, right?

Thank you.

I just don't like your sneaky chopstick moves.

I'm not doing that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's so sneaky and chopsticky.

What do you do?

I'm not doing that sneaky chopstick.

Yeah, you just do.

What?

Yeah.

Coming to the stage.

Yeah, yeah.

Wait, that was a miscommunication.

I know what I'm doing.

So you bailed on a date.

I thought it was one day only.

No, that's insane.

Okay, so, all right, you want to get back into it?

Let's do it.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

The year before, right?

If I'm doing stand-up live

in Phoenix, one of the best rooms in America.

Sure.

Right.

She did it a year before.

It was four shows.

Yeah.

I asked her to do it again.

No,

stop.

Okay.

Stop.

Okay.

Okay.

A Korean's talking.

Okay, but can I say something?

Oh, dude.

Wow.

You're about to start another war.

A

Koreans talking.

I mean, I respect you because

of your age, not because of Korea.

Oh,

this is racist.

That's racist shit.

I love it, dude.

Our movies are elite.

Our K-pop is elite.

Unfathomable.

Unfathomable.

Okay.

Okay.

We have.

I just want to say that.

We have stuff.

We have Samsung.

Bring up the Terrace.

Bring up the Terrace.

Terrorist.

Terrorist.

And also Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I'll give you that.

All right.

Well, Ginzers, I'm happy that you're here.

You guys go take the boy on a wall.

All right.

Anyway, go thank you for being a bad friend in there, both of you.

Thank you for being a bad friend.