Pilot | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

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Speaker 2 Just stop. First of all, can I talk? Go ahead.
This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead.
And I feel like you think that you're the captain of the ship. I am.

Speaker 2 No, we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse.
It says right here: the highest, the most she's ever lifted is two Hyundai.

Speaker 2 If you want to Google, let's go. Two Hyundai Samuel.
If you want a Google friend, let's go. You're going to tell me that my people are weak and yours are strong.

Speaker 2 But two people can play that game, though. Irish ping pong players.
Let's go. Oh, my God.
Let's go. That's what my point is: is that you go weightlifting.
I can go ping pong. My point is.

Speaker 2 I'll beat you in ping pong.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You guys are weird. Andrew.

Speaker 2 Have you seen a Korean guy around here?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 You guys are nuts.

Speaker 2 You guys are sick.

Speaker 2 You two are wholesome and decent. Oh, good.
You two are back together. You guys are freaks.

Speaker 2 You are a bad friend.

Speaker 2 You two are dangerous when you coordinate.

Speaker 3 You guys are are gross.

Speaker 2 You two or something. We're bad friends.
At least that's a good one. Hey, hey, those are supposed to be turned.
Is that look right on camera? The way that the

Speaker 2 way that

Speaker 2 the bamboo looks?

Speaker 2 I did bamboo so on purpose because of you.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's good. I went to IKEA this morning.
Look at 10 a.m. Justify.

Speaker 2 I got that color for you because you're bland.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
Khakis, and I'm bland.

Speaker 2 Look at you. You've a phony ass vintage Coke shirt.
That's such a fucking

Speaker 2 100% vintage shirt. From where? Where is it from? I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's for JetRack. It's fake.
You're fake. Yeah?

Speaker 2 I am phony. You're funny.
Turn it on. Are we rolling already? They're already rolling.
Pieces of shit. Don't say that to them.
Both of these guys are fucking pieces of shit.

Speaker 2 Well, I have already known that George is a piece of shit because I've known him for very long. Let's do this real fast.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's thank George because he did do a wonderful job on this studio. Look at our new studio.
Thank you, George. Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's great. It's wonderful.
When I got here, George was hanging shit up. You do that.

Speaker 2 You do that when Papa is not here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't do that when he's here ready to go. Yeah, George,

Speaker 2 you know what George said to me last night? Who showed up last night, George? I did, right? With my dog? And I said, George, where...

Speaker 2 Don't call your wife that. What?

Speaker 2 What did you say? Don't call your wife that. I'll call her whatever the fuck I want.
I bought her. I said to George, I said, hey, man, what are we going to do tonight?

Speaker 2 And I dropped off some stuff and he said, I'm going to put up some shelves.

Speaker 2 Didn't do it. One shelf? One shelf.
Didn't do it. Did it right now.
If everyone can see at home, I don't know if you can see screws sticking out, holes in the wall. Yeah.
Not so good. And then

Speaker 2 the cacti. Yeah.
One cacti. One cacti.

Speaker 2 Whoa. You know what, dude? One.
Oh, one cacti. Don't do that.
Don't.

Speaker 2 Am I pull pod? Yeah. I am.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Don't do that.
That caused a lot of murder. I'm so sorry.
Bamboo. I bought you bamboo.
Say thank you. Pull it towards you.

Speaker 2 You know what you have, though? It's not even on camera, is it? It's not even camera. But here's what you have, bro.
What do I got? You have this hidden rage inside you. It's not hidden at all.

Speaker 2 I know, but it's, I understand that. But when you have, because I saw there will be blood and the oil, right? Sometimes they can see oil sticks coming out of the soil.
Right. That's what your rage is.

Speaker 2 But underneath

Speaker 2 is bubbolo. Bubbolo.
Why, if you do an Asian accent again, I'm not, that's not an Asian accent. Why would that be an Asian accent? Bubbolo.

Speaker 2 No, Babolo means it's like a that's like a guttural is a bubble. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it's a bubbolo. I read it wrong.
Um, bum, bum, bum, me,

Speaker 2 walking down the street. We're not doing that here.
Feeling so good to meet. No, we're not.
We're not doing that here. Um, Bobby, I want to give you something.

Speaker 2 I'm excited to do this with you real fast. Okay, will you do this with me? Sure.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Um, do you know what the Oscars are? I love them.

Speaker 2 Do you know who got who got nominated? Oh, sure.

Speaker 2 So you know everything?

Speaker 2 Han Solo-son. What's his name? Han Solo-son.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 The guy.

Speaker 2 He was on women, girls.

Speaker 2 Adam Driver? He did. Okay.
That's the only one that you know? No, I know more. Which ones? DiCaprio.

Speaker 2 Did he get nominated? For best actor, yes. Did he really? He did? Yeah, yeah.
Fuck. He was great in that.
All right, so one of the things that got nominated was the movie The The Irishman.

Speaker 2 Did you watch The Irishman? No?

Speaker 2 Okay. We're about to reenact one of my favorite scenes from The Irishman, okay? But can I watch the movie first before we watch? Nope, that's the best part.
Okay. Can I beat Joe Petro?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You can either be

Speaker 2 Jimmy Hoffa. Oh, I want to be Jimmy Hoffa.
Do you know who Jimmy Hoffa is? Yeah, he was a union guy. Okay, so you want to be Jimmy Hoffa? Then he disappeared.
That's right.

Speaker 2 You want to be Jimmy Hoffa? Yeah. Okay.
That's Jimmy Hoffa's lines.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to be Tony Pro. And if people that have seen the movie know who Tony Pro is, okay? I want you to act this out very seriously.
All right. All right.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Let me fuck.
Let's fucking read it. Let's do it the right way.
Okay, ready? This is rehearsing for this. This is for the Oscar season.
All right, ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Interior Private Club, Miami Day, 1972. Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up.

Speaker 2 Can I improvise? Fuck, dude. Fuck.
Can I improvise? Yeah. Okay.
Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up. Jimmy checks his watch, looks at at Frank.

Speaker 2 Fuck it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to get through the first line if we're going to be able to do this. I'm improvising.
You have to get through the first line without a doubt. You're going to have to get through.

Speaker 2 I can't imagine. That's improvising? Fuck.
Oh, fuck it. Fuck it.
You did your record scratch.

Speaker 2 Fuck it four times. But read the thing again.
Interior private club, Miami, day 1972. Forget about it.
Okay. Jimmy.

Speaker 2 Frank and Jimmy waited at table for Tony Pro to show up. Jimmy checks his watch, looks at Frank.
Fuck it, let's go. Let's give him a few more minutes.
This isn't right. You don't do this.

Speaker 2 You don't make a man wait. I know, I know.
The only time you do that is when

Speaker 2 you want to say something, you know, when you want to say fuck you. That's the only time.
Frank nods. They wait, Jimmy getting madder by the second.

Speaker 2 Finally, a white Cadillac pulls out front, and Pro, wearing shorts and a short-sleeve shirt, comes in with his cousin-in-law, Tony Jack, who, unlike Pro, is wearing enough clothes to conceal a piece and join Jimmy and Frank at the table.

Speaker 2 Can you believe this weather? People are freezing at that in New York. And look at us.
It's 80 outside. It's perfect.
Why don't we live here year-round? Is what I want to know. Hey,

Speaker 2 hey, it's

Speaker 2 summer. What?

Speaker 2 Hey, it's summer. You know, people are freezing to death in New York.
In my mind, it's always eight degrees in New York. I'm making the point.

Speaker 2 This is how you dress for a meeting. This is how you dress in Florida?

Speaker 2 In a suit?

Speaker 2 For a meeting.

Speaker 2 If it's Florida, 10 pack 2.

Speaker 2 And you're late. What? You're late.
There was traffic.

Speaker 2 It's never been late for a meeting in my life. Wasn't there traffic? There was.

Speaker 2 I never waited for anybody who's late for more than 10 minutes.

Speaker 2 I say 15. 15 is right.
No, no, no. 10.
I don't think so. 10 is not enough.
You gotta take traffic into account. That is taking traffic into account, buddy.
That's why it's 10. I still say 15.
10.

Speaker 2 Fine, we disagree on that. More than 10.

Speaker 2 You're saying something.

Speaker 2 Are you saying something to me? I'm here. That says what it says.
What can I do for you?

Speaker 2 I want to ask you for endorsements for something whoa whoa whoa before you tell me let's get the other thing straightened out

Speaker 2 i can't do anything about your pension now with fits out there with fits there you should talk about your fits about my dad

Speaker 2 he says he'll take care of it no questions asked you wouldn't do that but he will i meant the other thing the other thing you know i don't know your apology my apology for what

Speaker 2 you said when you were sitting there eating your fucking ice cream like some fucking king that was an ethnic slur you people people.

Speaker 2 I apologize for that.

Speaker 2 After you apologize for being late, you motherfucking whoop cocksucker.

Speaker 2 I'll apologize for being late after I kidnapped your granddaughter, rip her guts out, and send them into you in a fucking envelope. Whoa, we did it.

Speaker 2 Was that dead on just like that? Was that a good scene? Was that just like the movie? I just feel like it was. That's what I think we should win in a fucking.
We should win in a movie.

Speaker 2 We should win something for that, right? You know what I was going to do?

Speaker 2 I was going to print out some old stuff of yours to make you reread from some of your earlier stuff, but I didn't want to do it. Why? You wanted to shame me and Harold and Kumar.

Speaker 2 No, I was going to print out your scene from Harold and Kumar because I thought it was one of my favorite scenes you ever did. We should do scenes from other classics, you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we could do scenes all the time from other classes. Raging Bull, I want to do Raging Bull.
You want to do my wife? You fuck my wife. I want you to fuck my wife.

Speaker 2 Why do you go when you were doing that impression of an Italian guy? Why did you go back and forth between like a weird old Asian guy to then like a

Speaker 2 slow

Speaker 2 like a slow? I know, because I don't, I don't do it. You don't do it.

Speaker 2 I didn't say it like that. You do.
Yeah, you did. Did I really? I don't do it.
You know what he sounded like? I don't do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because, dude, I don't do Italian accents. Can you not do any accents? When you go in for an audition, if they say we need an accent, what do you do? I had to do Boston today.
Do Boston for me.

Speaker 2 Can you? I'll do a line. You'd say a line.
I'll try. Okay.
All right. Go ahead.
I'll say exactly from the show. Ready? Go ahead.
He goes,

Speaker 2 it's.

Speaker 2 He said,

Speaker 2 Yeah, what a great.

Speaker 2 Hold on,

Speaker 2 I have to look away from it now.

Speaker 2 I have to close my eyes while I do it. If I look at you while I do it, it's going to be hard.
Just don't do the fucking audition. Just do a line that you would say if you're from Boston.

Speaker 2 Oh, bro, yeah, fucking over there where,

Speaker 2 yeah, that's where,

Speaker 2 that's where we live. That's why Brady's the best.
He's the best quarterback, quarterback. I can't do it.
There's no way I could do it.

Speaker 2 Brady.

Speaker 2 Brady. Brady.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Brady.
Array, Brady. Brady.

Speaker 2 Brady. Abrady.

Speaker 2 Now you sound like a little Italian one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how you should have read this. Apridi, Predi.
Yeah, here's the thing, dude. Did you really audition for a Marvel movie today?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did. Did you feel good about it? The first take, no.
But I thought that was like...

Speaker 2 What are you going to be in the movie? Not a superhero. Good God, no.
You'll be like a... That's so fucking rude that you say that.
You think you have a superhero body? It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does.

Speaker 2 Name a superhero that looks like you.

Speaker 2 Toad from X-Men.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 2 there are superheroes you're not even aware of. Dead girl.
You know who that is? No, but I guess

Speaker 2 I can put it together what she is. Yeah.
She's dead, so you can't kill her.

Speaker 2 That's not, nobody wants to watch that. I'm just telling you that they exist.
Nobody wants to watch a superhero that can't kill her. There's a Japanese X-Men called Sunfire.
Sunfire.

Speaker 2 They don't say it like that. Sunfire was the name of a Pontiac car.
Pontiac Sunfire. What do you mean? I'm not saying it a certain way.

Speaker 2 No, but you're saying to me that there's no way in hell that I'll ever be a superhero in a movie anymore. I would never.

Speaker 2 I think that you're you would never be a superhero in a movie. I would never be a superhero in a movie neither would you and I'm in way better shape than you are It has nothing to do with your shape

Speaker 2 That you're born with or if something happened to me name one superhero movie that's really famous where that where the main actor isn't in shape. Okay, I'm just telling you right now name one

Speaker 2 I got right now

Speaker 2 you know there's a what's his name? He's he follows me on Twitter. He's in Doctor Strange, the fat Asian guy.

Speaker 2 I'm glad you know him.

Speaker 2 I'm glad I'm fucking up. But these guys don't even know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something Wong.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't say something wong ever again, okay? You fucking paste. I didn't say it.
It's just being Asian. I know, but him.
Wait, wait, what? You can't go something wong. What's the name of the movie?

Speaker 2 Doctor Strange.

Speaker 2 Can we be clear? It was John that said something wong and not me. No, it was

Speaker 2 Asian. Doctor Strange, Asian guy.
Benedict Cumberbatch, Chuatel Echifor, Rachel McAdams. No.
That's who's in it. Go further.

Speaker 2 Benedict Wong. Benedict Wong.
Benedict Wong. Yeah.
He's a fat Chinese dude. But he's from England.
It doesn't fucking matter what the fuck it is in the English. Yes, it does.

Speaker 2 A fat Chinese guy with an English accent.

Speaker 2 But in the movies, he doesn't have one. He doesn't really have one.
It's very broken English.

Speaker 2 My point is that I just proved you wrong, so go fuck yourself. Wait, wait, wait, what character was he in this? He was Wong.
His name was Wong. Not a superhero.

Speaker 2 Did you see the movie? No. He did superhero shit.
While on the journey of a physical movie, he went like this. He went like this.
He went like this, and there was a hole. And the people

Speaker 2 ran in and out of the hole.

Speaker 2 But he did it.

Speaker 2 He goes, oh, no. He goes, oh, no, no, no.
And he makes a circle, right?

Speaker 2 And then Doctor Strange goes, is it done? Go through. Go through.

Speaker 2 He runs through. And then he goes, oh, totally, and he closes it back up.
That's all.

Speaker 2 No, he was also in the Adventures movie, the endgame. Big part.
What was the part? Oh, Toto. He goes, he goes, but instead of Dr.
Strange, he goes, Tony Stark, get through.

Speaker 2 Other people. I'm Captain America, get through.
And they go through. Look, the point is, you're not going to be a superhero.
Neither am I.

Speaker 2 So in this movie, you might get the role, but it's not going to be a superhero. Oh, it's fine.

Speaker 2 Can I say this? What's your superhero? What's your superpower?

Speaker 2 In real life? Vaping? What would your power be? The fucking.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know what? Guys like you. We need help.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Break a time

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Speaker 2 Get 20% off free shipping with the code bad friends at manscaped.com. I want to tell everyone now, right now, is that regardless of what you look like, who you are, right?

Speaker 2 You're always going to have naysayers in your life that's going to bring you down.

Speaker 2 Bad people.

Speaker 2 And there's a reason why. And I have to say something else, dude, about your rage.
I don't have rage. Yeah, because when I was on the phone.
I'm not trying to bring you down.

Speaker 2 When you said that you got diarrhea from Hilarities.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. All right.
This is not true. Just stop.
First of all, can I talk? This is a 50-50 podcast. Okay, go ahead.
And I feel like you think that you're the captain of the ship. I am.

Speaker 2 No, we're like the lighthouse. We're the two dudes in the lighthouse.
No, I'm on the top of the lighthouse. You're down below.
Regardless. I'm up below.
Because in in the movie, you die first. So?

Speaker 2 All right. So here's the deal.
All right. One of the best comedy clubs in America is a club called Hilarity.

Speaker 2 It's in Cleveland. I was just there last week, right?

Speaker 2 And one of the greatest men in the whole world, he owns it. His name is Nick.
And everyone loves him. I haven't said one.
One of the kindest people. So the staff, I'm eating dinner there.

Speaker 2 It's delicious food. One of the best steakhouses in America.
And I love it. And thank you so much for having me there because you guys are wonderful people.

Speaker 2 And I'm so sorry there's negativity in your life. And it's coming from somebody that's

Speaker 2 that you're not even aware of.

Speaker 2 First of all. Yeah, yeah.
So here,

Speaker 2 let me finish the story.

Speaker 2 They said, Mr. Santino, welcome when I showed up.
Yeah, that's before

Speaker 2 you accused them of diarrhea. I didn't.
Oh, just let me finish the story.

Speaker 2 God, you get so angry. Look at the race.
Well, because you're making up lies. This is fake news.
It's not fake news. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 All right, let's just say, so I'm sitting there and they go, oh, oh, yeah, Santino was here. And we just thought that, you know, we treated him nice, you know, get a meal, this and that.

Speaker 2 And then he goes on Joe Rogan's podcast and tells them that our food is terrible and he gave us chronic diarrhea, almost died, and it just hurts us. That's not true.

Speaker 2 And I looked at, let me finish the story, you fuck.

Speaker 2 Let me finish the story, all right? It's not true. Can I finish the story, though? Please.
And at the end of my story, I'll go, I'm done with the story, and then you can talk. Fine.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I'm sitting there with them and they're on the verge of tears,

Speaker 2 by the way right because there's the nicest people you'll ever meet right so i go i can't believe that he would say something like that because andrew is a very good guy and i don't know but he said it on the podcast and like you know like you know bobby you know that we we bill burr you know when he did a special in england he texted me and said thank you for all the stage time he really is a kind of guy that nurtures real talent and he you know how you go to some comedy clubs and it's uncomfortable, they don't treat you right?

Speaker 2 He's the polar opposite. He

Speaker 2 comes from the school of Sebastian Manascalco of class, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 when you belittle somebody with class and

Speaker 2 you start rumors and

Speaker 2 you badmouth people and you put that black magic out there, your verbal black magic, right?

Speaker 2 What it does is

Speaker 2 it just creates, you know, just a chasm of darkness. Okay.
And I'm not done with the story. Okay.
So my point is, is that.

Speaker 2 What? And so then what happened is, so let me call Santino right now. Yeah.
So I call Santino on speakerphone, right?

Speaker 2 And I go, hey, I'm with the guys at the club. And they said that

Speaker 2 they gave you diary. I don't know if that's true.
And then you know what you did? What? And you did something so you embarrassed me so much. I embarrassed you.
Yeah, this is what you go.

Speaker 2 You go, fuck you. Hang out the phone, you fucking chink.
Like, you went fucking crazy.

Speaker 2 I didn't say yeah you did on the phone i you hang out the phone right now don't try to pollute me for your all that kind of stuff right and i and i asked them and i had to go i had to turn to them and go i'm so sorry i'm so sorry right my friend has a disease called rage and he's a bad guy sometimes you put me look first of all you hung me out to dry you put me on speakerphone you didn't tell me i was on speakerphone that's rule number one everyone knows in a phone call you know you always say you're on speakerphone don't you you're on speakerphone and you didn't okay so you started accusing me second of all here's how the real story went me and joe rogan went there to go see jesse mae paluso when joe and i were in town doing a a show for Joe, right?

Speaker 2 We went there to say hi because we love Jesse. We stopped by the club.
They said, hi, Ms. Santino.
Hi, Mr. Rogan.
How are you guys doing? He said, great. They said, you want something to eat?

Speaker 2 I said, sure, we'll both eat. We had already eaten, okay? And then we ate another meal, okay? This is what happened.
We hung out with Jesse. Jesse May and I hung out a little bit.

Speaker 2 Then the next morning, I get on the plane. Me and Joe Rogan.
Get on the plane. I'm sitting next to him.
I wake up in a panic. I run to the bathroom.
I can't really, like, I can't really see.

Speaker 2 I'm nauseous. I throw up everyone.
I pass out from

Speaker 2 dehydrated from throwing up. Like, it's like hurting.
I'm throwing up so much, okay? I sit in my seat. They call a nurse, a male nurse,

Speaker 2 who's right in front of us, comes swinging around. Interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Comes swinging around. I throw up in the bag three or four more times.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then the nurse says, what did you eat? I said, well, we ate dinner. I told him about it.
He goes, yeah, you have a lot of undigested food in your stomach.

Speaker 2 I said, what is this from? What's going on? What do I have? He said, all your vitals are normal. It could just be some weird bacteria.
Perhaps it's something you eat, you ate. I don't really know.

Speaker 2 So Joe, the whole time, is like, what the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? I'm like, I don't know, man. I don't know.
I feel really sick. I'm really pale.

Speaker 2 And anyway, we land the plane. I get home.
Two days later, or whatever, I go on Rogan's show.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 I say to Joe, I don't know what it was. And he goes, I bet you it was food poisoning from the club late last night because we ate really late at night in the middle of the night.

Speaker 2 It was probably like the last of the meal. Okay?

Speaker 2 I said, maybe, but I don't know. We go on the show.
Joe says, you got food poisoning the other day. You want to talk about it? I don't mention the club once.
I say, I got food poisoning.

Speaker 2 We don't really know what it was. I've explained the whole story on Rogan's podcast.
And then he goes, from Hilarities, and I said,

Speaker 2 I did not say that. My whole point was to not say where I got it from because I don't know if it was their fault.
And then I got on the phone after you tried to fucking throw me under the bus.

Speaker 2 And I apologize vehemently to them because I was like, I would never throw you on the bus. I don't know if you did it.
I felt terrible because they were all so nice to me.

Speaker 2 So no, your version is funny, but not true. And here, and I'm not not trying to be.
Because I want to make it known. Hilarity's a great club.
They're great people.

Speaker 2 I don't know if there was a fault or something else I ate. And by the way, food poisoning happens.
Big deal. It's not the end of the world.
I might have just ate something weird.

Speaker 2 But here's where you weren't wrong. I did blow a guy at 2.30 before I went there.
And there's a joke. And that's how he

Speaker 2 has a defense mechanism. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I just say something? I would like to be rebuttaled. I'd like to rebuttal you.
Okay, rebuttal me then. Rebuttal me about a story that you weren't there for.

Speaker 2 Because I'm going to tell you where you went wrong. Can I I say that as a friend? Okay.
All right. Is that when you go, I don't know what's wrong with me.
Yes, you do know what's wrong with you. What?

Speaker 2 You're weak.

Speaker 2 Red-headed people have weak everything, right? So whatever it is,

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 you're saying Koreans are the strongest people in the world?

Speaker 2 Here we go. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Were you oppressed by the Japanese for 50 years?

Speaker 2 Were you?

Speaker 2 My people were. Okay.
All right. Why? Because.

Speaker 2 Olympic Weightlifters, Korean.

Speaker 2 Let's see. Let's see the lineup.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Jang Mi-ran. Great.
Great weightlifter. Jang Mi-Ran.
He can take two rice fucking pots with one hand and pull it with his right hand.

Speaker 2 Weightlifters from South Korea

Speaker 2 list. Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jang Mi-ran. Great.

Speaker 2 She is currently based in Goyang. Your top weightlifter is a woman.
That's great. Your top weightlifter is a woman.
Goyang is

Speaker 2 the epicenter of Korean weightlifting.

Speaker 2 They have a great gym called Dong Dong Gym, and it's the best.

Speaker 2 It says right here, the highest, the most she's ever lifted is two Hyundai.

Speaker 2 If you want to Google, let's go. Two Hyundai Sonas.
If you want to Google, friend, let's go. She lifted two Hyundai Sonata's on her name.
If you want to Google, all right. All right.
Ji Hoon Min.

Speaker 2 Ji Hoon Min, South Korea weightlifter. He completed featherweight division in the Beijing Olympic Games in 2008, last time.
He failed to successfully lift a clean and jerk. He was disqualified.

Speaker 2 These are some of your best, by by the way. I'm naming your best.
That's great. That's great.

Speaker 2 Don't try to tell me that my people are weak and yours are strong. But two people can play that game, though.

Speaker 2 You're the one that came after me. You came after me about it.
Irish ping pong players. Let's go.
Oh, my God. Let's go.
That's what my point is: is that you go weightlifting. I can go ping pong.

Speaker 2 My point is that. I'll beat you in ping-pong.

Speaker 2 I'll beat you in ping-pong. You want to put some money on it? George.
George? I hate to back up, Bobby, on this. Let's play ping pong then.
Yeah, let me just say this, okay?

Speaker 2 You know that Frank Caliando is a master at ping-pong, and we've I've beaten him before. Okay, so your little red-headed mouth with your little fucking red lips slits.
My little red lip slits?

Speaker 2 Yeah, your little red lip slits. And when fucking vocal energy comes out of there, it's fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 It's the same kind of diarrhea that came out of your asshole in Cleveland, and it's coming out the other end. First of all, I was on a flight and it was, it wasn't diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Right, so that's where you went wrong. I threw up.
And let's just move on. You've made it.
Just say, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry that that.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that got out.
I'm sorry. I apologize that that got out.
I'm really bummed out because they were very cool people. They're the best people in the business.

Speaker 2 Why did you have to bring your little video game everywhere you go? Because I've never... You can't leave home with that? You can't leave home without that? It's not a little video game.

Speaker 2 It's called a Switch. Okay.
Yeah, and you're 50.

Speaker 2 48. How many 50-year-olds do you know have a Nintendo Switch? I don't know any of them.
You don't know any? No, I don't know. You've got to be the only one.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's see the statistics on that.

Speaker 2 How many 50-year-olds in the United States have a Nintendo Switch? There's no way there's a statistic on that. It'll just say Bobby Lee, it'll go to my fucking.

Speaker 2 Six.

Speaker 2 You know who has, you know, it says your name is first, Bobby Lee, and then

Speaker 3 who's number two on there?

Speaker 2 Who? Jang Mi Ren, the weightlifter.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 let me just talk about the Switch real quick. Yeah, because

Speaker 2 honestly, I know I tease you a lot about the video game thing.

Speaker 2 Does this really help with your anxiety and shit? Does it help you?

Speaker 2 It's not because of a Switch.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 if there was one game that was not on it, then I would not play a Switch. What game is on it? Stardew Valley.

Speaker 2 So, if Stardew Valley, remember I was playing on the Xbox, but. Stardew Valley? Stardew Valley.
Stardew Valley.

Speaker 2 If you do another Asian accent.

Speaker 3 That was an Asian that was robotic.

Speaker 2 Stardew Valley. Oh, that's true.
That was robotic. Yeah, but Valley.
Stephen Hawkins. Stardew Valley.
Stardew Valley. Yeah, okay.
That's it. You have to go up.
Stardew Valley. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rest in peace. Rest in peace.
What? Stardew Valley? What were you going to say about the Stardew Valley? Fucking pretzel.

Speaker 2 You think they folded him up?

Speaker 2 Do you think if you're paralyzed and you die, they just fold you?

Speaker 2 Right, right.

Speaker 2 You don't need a long. Well, they could put you in a dwarf casket, actually.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like if you know, if Brad Williams dies, they'll use Brad or Stephen Hawkins. he already has his shoebox picked out

Speaker 2 and he just had a baby he did have a little baby yeah and the delivery was uh 20 seconds long

Speaker 2 because all she did is queef and just fell onto the ground yeah and it was like a little thing like this

Speaker 2 it's like a rice pot that's what it sounds like when you get both

Speaker 2 i love little people they're cute they are so cute well his is hey he's got half asian he's got a half asian baby i know he does and it's his wife is asian or she's she no she's full asian she's full yeah which one is she?

Speaker 2 I have no idea. One of the good ones, maybe? No.
No. For sure, no.

Speaker 2 What are the good ones? What are they? Yeah. Pretty much anything non-Asian, really.
No, no, but in terms of the Asians, what are the good ones? Oh,

Speaker 2 I think Japanese, right?

Speaker 2 Are they the good ones? For what?

Speaker 2 Cleanliness. They're very clean.
Best-looking women? I don't think so. I really, I would disagree with you.

Speaker 2 What's the best-looking women? Korean? I think you have to look at numbers, right? But probably China. Filipino? Filipinos are pretty.
Thai. Yum yum.

Speaker 2 Yum yum.

Speaker 2 You know what jukjuk is? I actually, you know, I've always loved all Asian women. I'm being genuine right now.

Speaker 2 I think all Asians have very pretty women, but I've never dated one because I was always...

Speaker 2 I was for some reason intimidated by Asian women. I don't know why.
I never tried to date an Asian girl, but I always. Actually, that's not true.

Speaker 2 I hooked up with one Asian girl when I first moved here

Speaker 2 when she was at UCLA, but we never talked really again. We hooked up one time.
Was she full Asian or half? Full. Oh, was it nice? She was awesome.

Speaker 2 You know, if you did an Asian woman, I wouldn't be creeped out. It's when guys look like Mitch McConnell is walking down the street with a 19-year-old one.
I hate that. Because that's fetish.

Speaker 2 It's not just fetish, like, because I was in Thailand and I would see like 90-year-old ex-PAX.

Speaker 2 Ex-Pats.

Speaker 2 Pats. Not ex-PAX.
Oh, whatever.

Speaker 2 And I'd see 96-PAX.

Speaker 2 X-PAX.

Speaker 2 And they would walk down the street with like a 19-year-old, 18-year-old young girl. Yeah, I don't like that shit.
It's so fucking gross. It's so gross.

Speaker 2 Like my brother's neighbor, I can't say his name. Why? I can't.
Is he a creep? No, because they do business together. And I love the guy.
Oh.

Speaker 2 But he can't get any women right now.

Speaker 2 Is he ugly? No, he's he's like George, but with chunks. Oh, he's like a fat George? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fat George is not so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Skinny George ain't that good either. Yes, it is.

Speaker 2 Skinny George isn't bad. Well, he's getting pussy.
But it's like, this guy could get it if he tried, but he doesn't try. So I guess his

Speaker 2 dream is to go to Thailand eventually and get a wife. Really? Yeah.
Does he do the thing where he orders them?

Speaker 2 You know, you can set it up online that when you get there, they're already waiting for you and shit. Could you do that? I saw a TV show all about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what I need to do is get me the top thousand, put them in a room. If I was, you know.
The top thousand

Speaker 2 thai girls yeah okay that you have available and you just get to pick yeah and i could just walk around that's sex slavery what's your name and they go

Speaker 2 right and i go hey can i just call you took no it's tuk tuk i go fuck you and i'll walk by you know what i mean that's how you're already it's already an issue

Speaker 2 yeah yeah if i want to do one tuk oh you only want tuk yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 yeah yeah yeah and then if you know they're hot but then they open their mouth and it's like Chernobyl in her mouth I can't do that yeah yeah yeah so I can

Speaker 2 pass pass on that, right? Chernobyl in their mouth. You know how sometimes they open your hot, and then they open their mouth, and it's like one tooth, one tooth here, and the rest are like roots.

Speaker 2 Don't like it.

Speaker 2 Do you see that all the time? Well, I've been to Thailand and the brothels a lot.

Speaker 2 I probably had like. Would you ever have a lady boy?

Speaker 2 Would you be against it? What?

Speaker 2 You have.

Speaker 2 Oh, have I? Yeah. I have not.
Why? Would you you ever do it?

Speaker 2 So I did this movie in Thailand. It was called Final Recipe, and Michelle Yao was in it.
You know who that is? No. She was in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
She's like a big Chinese star.

Speaker 2 I didn't see it. That's fine.
But anyway, Michelle Yao is like the Meryl Streep of Asia. Like, she's huge.
Really? She's in Crazy Rage Asians. Yeah, she's one of the biggest actors.

Speaker 2 I didn't see the movie either.

Speaker 2 I've really seen almost no Asian films. Name another Asian film.
You see Parasite? Nope. Oh, you have to watch that.
Keep going, though. Name any Asian film.
I really, really don't know.

Speaker 2 Enter the Dragon. Nope.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Old Boy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Ask me about it.
I didn't see the Irishman either. Does that hurt? By the way, it's not Irish.
Are you Irish? I'm Irish. Yeah, yeah.
The movie's all about Italians anyway.

Speaker 2 There's one Irish human in it. But just because the word Irish, I couldn't see it.
That's why? Yeah. So you've never seen an Irish movie? You know Brendan Gleason, the actor? You don't like him?

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 2 Really? Nope.

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Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 1 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 2 Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 1 What a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.
If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option. Hives during my next spa day?

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Speaker 2 So anyway, I was in Thailand and

Speaker 2 the first night,

Speaker 2 the producers were having a big dinner with the president of Samsung,

Speaker 2 a bunch of movie executives, Michelle Yao, at this really fancy restaurant. First of all, it took me 30 minutes to even get in because I had one shoe, my slipper, I couldn't find it.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because I was running and it slipped off and I turned it around, I couldn't find it. Like in the hotel? No, in the streets.
I was trying to find it, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then I was wearing like kind of a waistland t-shirt, but it had ripped. So my breast was hanging out, right? And I had like raw denim on, but it was like ripped up.

Speaker 2 You didn't want to to look nice for this nice dinner. No, that's how I dress.
Dude, the raw denim. But this is a nice dinner.
The raw denim is $1,200.

Speaker 2 I know, but I know, but

Speaker 2 you'd want to wear something like slacks to a nice dinner? I don't know. I didn't know.
I didn't know much about it. I thought, I'm in the movie.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So I go to the front and they go, no, no, no, no. No homeless or something, whatever.

Speaker 2 Right? And I go, and I go, I'm in the movie, you know what I mean? And I had to have a guy go in there, right?

Speaker 2 So I

Speaker 2 sat down with also

Speaker 2 not the king of Thailand, but like a part of the royal family. And we're in this gigantic, beautiful ballroom.
Yeah. And I sit down and

Speaker 2 it's crossed from Michelle Yao. And if you saw Crossing Thai and Hidden Dragon,

Speaker 2 they do like a lot of kung fu scenes where like jumping from rooftop to roof

Speaker 2 from tree to tree, right?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I wanted to make a joke, right? So I look at Michelle Yao and I go, hey, after dinner, maybe you can teach me how to

Speaker 2 run on trees. And she goes, she looks at at me and she goes, that was wild walk.

Speaker 2 Like, I thought that that was, like, what she could do.

Speaker 2 Right? Yes. So then after that, no one would talk to me.
So all the other tables around this gigantic table are all the assistants and all the younger people.

Speaker 2 So I just got up from the thing and I sat down with all the other assistants and stuff. And they could speak English and whatever, right? She spoke English too.

Speaker 2 I know, but she's with these fucking old Asian people. So,

Speaker 2 what was the language being spoken at the table? English. Oh, that was the dominant language being spoken? Yeah, because she's not Thai, she's from Chinese or something.

Speaker 2 Don't you guys all know each other's languages?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 I feel like you could just click on and click on

Speaker 2 no, you can't do that.

Speaker 2 But so I'm sitting there with all these young people, and one of the producers of the movie gets up from the big table, he comes up to me, he grabs my wrist to the point where he's leaving like

Speaker 2 Mark. Oh, shit.
And he goes, You're being rude,

Speaker 2 right? And he pulls me back to the main table because he thinks you're being rude because you walked away. Yes.
You were doing the right thing. I was doing the only thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to get out of there. I had to get out of that.
You have no business being there. Yeah, yeah.
So then I sat through this thing. The food was great.

Speaker 2 Didn't say anything to anybody, but I knew, and I had to be there for two months. What? Yeah.
So these people had to get along with you for two more months?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I'm like, geez, this is going to be the worst two months. But then I go, but I'm in Thailand.
I'm single.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 so maybe two nights after that i went to the ladyboy district just just to look two nights yeah because it's by the hotel three blocks from four blocks from so you go down to the ladyboy district what happens and i'm just kind of cruising hi baby yeah yeah and go ahead come inside yeah if they touch me i go i'm an american you know i mean don't touch me but though do you think you get a better deal because you they know you're asian

Speaker 2 if they touch me no no

Speaker 2 i think they look at me the way i'm dressed all that that i have no money really yeah they think that i'm the guy that like steals sake. But do you think they upcharge for

Speaker 2 white man? No, the white boy that comes out. I think that they have these desires to marry a white man and that they're gonna just like a pretty woman, but in Thailand, you know.

Speaker 2 So then wait, you walk around. I walk around, I'm looking, but I know that they have dicks.
So? I know, but in my head, I'm like... Can you see that? Don't they tuck their dick? You can't see.

Speaker 2 They're wearing like little short panties and stuff. Some of them, I swear to God,

Speaker 2 if the circumstances are right,

Speaker 2 you would.

Speaker 2 Blow job. You got a blowjob? No, I would get one.
You would, but you wouldn't do sex. No.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 I don't like asshole love.

Speaker 2 I never liked it. But the way that they groom it, I think it's supposed to be.

Speaker 2 I don't like asshole love. I also heard a story once.
Have you ever had anal sex?

Speaker 2 One time. With Kalila.
No way. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She let you fuck her in the ass? One time.

Speaker 2 Well, I first duck my finger in there a couple of times. Yeah, I've done it.
Yeah, I do the finger in there. And I go up and down side to side to get some room going.
I don't like it too tight.

Speaker 2 You're doing like a... Yeah, like a crucifix.
Like a crucifix? Like a crucifix, and I did a pedagogram.

Speaker 2 I might have done a

Speaker 2 Swatzaka. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So then I stuck it in there, and it was so dry.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah. It was so dry.
It's a butthole. What do you think? Yeah, it doesn't get wet.
It doesn't get wet.

Speaker 2 I didn't even come. I think I washed my dick and fucked her.

Speaker 2 You washed, then you went in? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You should have washed after. Did you wash after? No, I stuck my penis in the dirt hole.
Mm-hmm. Then I go, I'm not into it.
So I went and washed my dick and I did vaginal sex.

Speaker 2 Ah, yeah. Okay.
Smart. But then what happened was,

Speaker 2 and I didn't know where to go for like to get regular women, like a brothel.

Speaker 2 You were in the Lady Boy district. Yeah, but I didn't know where to go to get regular women.
Just a prostitute. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I didn't do it. I just, but until one day I had four days off.
You know how sometimes sometimes you're in a different country? Big stretch. It's a big stretch and you have near, you're not.

Speaker 2 So what I would do was I would go to the lobby and just sit there and drink coffee. And by the bar? No, in the hotel lobby.
And then you just wait for someone to approach you?

Speaker 2 No, I would just sit there all day. I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I didn't know anybody. Really? Yeah, it was really sad.
But then two,

Speaker 2 I gotta say it. Say it.
Two movie executives from the Asian movie company

Speaker 2 were there. They walked by me and they go hey

Speaker 2 i go i know you guys and they go hey you want to

Speaker 2 and i go i already knew i didn't know what that meant you knew but i just got up and i just followed them and they took me to this place called amsterdam it's not in amsterdam it's a place called amsterdam got it and you go in there and it's a restaurant at first you sit there and there's a fat madame

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You know that there was always a fat lady that no one would ever fuck, but she runs the place. Yep.
And she's very funny. Yeah.
And then there was like a all-female...

Speaker 2 She's the pimp. Yeah.
Rock group going, Reddit P,

Speaker 2 Reddit P. You know what I mean? I swear to God.
Reddipy, Reddit Pee. Right.
De Britos. Yeah, the Britos.
De Bertos. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, the beachos. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 And then, um, and then we ate fruit. What? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, because you're going to, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know. They just brought this the biggest fruit plate ever.
Do you ever know why?

Speaker 2 No, I don't know why. Do you know that fruit makes your cum taste better?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 You've never heard that before? I ate a lot of it.

Speaker 2 You guys know that, don't you?

Speaker 2 High sugar content makes your semen taste better. Why? That's why they did that.
Wow. So I'm eating it, and then

Speaker 2 I go, I just turn it on. I go, what happens?

Speaker 2 And they go, then we go to another room, and in this other room is football bleachers.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding you. Like we're going to see a game.
That's about to happen? Like a USC football game. Bleachers, but instead of fans, there's women.

Speaker 2 Yes. And they're all just lined up.
They're all sitting there like I was going to do my one-man show, right?

Speaker 2 And I sat there and I go, how does this work? Do I just grab them? I'm like, what the fuck happened? And the fat madame's there. Yeah.
And she goes, no, you

Speaker 2 look at the number. So they have a pin and they have a number and then they have letters on the number.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, you know, like. This is sex slavery.
It would say 237 and it would say. B, 237.

Speaker 2 Indigo.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 And it would say

Speaker 2 SM,

Speaker 2 which means supermodel. And they were higher, right? And then there was like.
They were more expensive? Yeah. It would say, yeah.
It would say zero V. V is what? Vietnamese.
It's like dirt pennies.

Speaker 2 I didn't make up the rules. Every human is equal.
I'm just telling you what this place was like. You're just an attendee.
I'm an attendee, right?

Speaker 2 And they were hot. What's the difference in price between a V and a SM? I know hundreds of bot.
Well, how much is a bot? I don't know. But hundreds.
What is a bot? What a bot is their currency? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bot? I think so. Is that what it's called? I think so.

Speaker 2 I think our research people should do it, not you. Tie bot.

Speaker 2 They're not fast enough. Tie bot.
Yeah, there's no way they're not fast. They're not fast enough.
So then

Speaker 2 the first night I go,

Speaker 2 I'll take 403 SM.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's a good one, right?

Speaker 2 And so they bring you down, and then they follow you back to your table where the fruit is, and you have to kind of have like a conversation.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? That kind of thing. Why do they want to talk to you? I don't know why.
By the way, 500 baht is only $16 American. Yeah.
So you paid $16 for a supermodel. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 So then you go up to a room and then you take a bath.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they want to clean you because they probably think you have dirty PP. No, that's what I thought at first.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 she went, get on your

Speaker 2 sit like behind your knees, on hands and knees. Like she wanted me to do like a

Speaker 2 doggy style sitting in the bathtub where the nozzle was by my butthole.

Speaker 2 And she goes, okay, now take a soap. And she poured the soap in my asshole and she would, she would rub it.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She would pour soap in your butthole.
Yeah. How does she rub it? What do you mean, rubber?

Speaker 2 She's like this, and then she, and then the water would go into your butthole, and then she would scrub it. She would scrub your asshole with like a stick? With like a,

Speaker 2 you know, like a loofah or whatever. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then she would rinse it, and then she did it three times.

Speaker 2 She rinsed your butthole three times. Yeah, more, more, you know what I mean? Which makes you feel like

Speaker 2 you feel like, am I that dirty? Yeah. Right? Like they were bringing it in.
You're like, you do this for everyone, right? She's like, most one.

Speaker 2 You fall.

Speaker 2 Okay. Mom!

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 What's up? So then she goes, okay. She drives you off.
And she goes, okay, get on your stomach. And you lay on your stomach.
And I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 I'm just doing, you know, when you go to a different country, you just kind of...

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're following the rules. You're following the rules, right? And I remember sitting there.
on my stomach and there was a gigantic clock like an old-timey looking clock.

Speaker 2 You mean you're on your back or your stomach? I'm on my stomach on the the bed now. So you're laying face down on the bed.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, what is going on? Is she going to give me a massage? And then I go, oh.

Speaker 2 And she was eating my butthole. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I didn't ask for it. And

Speaker 2 you let her wash your asshole three times. What do you think that was for?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Maybe I smell down there.
I don't know what it is. No, she was going to.
She washed my dick once, too. Well, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So she, and then literally, it was, I'm not kidding you. It was 15 minutes to, as soon as it went, click 15 minutes, minutes, she was done.

Speaker 2 She just ate your butthole for 15 minutes?

Speaker 2 And that was 15, and she just got up. Did she tug on your, on your pole? No, that was at the beginning.
That's like the appetizer.

Speaker 2 Yes, my friend. And so then

Speaker 2 she put a condom on me. No, she blew me without a condom.
That's why they make you eat fruit. She blew me without a condom.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 she put a condom on me. We had sex.
And then I

Speaker 2 ran into the two executives in the hallway. And they go, did they eat? Did she eat your pahoto?

Speaker 2 She was like, What are the like a rite of passage or something?

Speaker 2 He was like, What are those? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I went there every single day for a month and a half. Every day.

Speaker 2 I would shoot, and it would give me my per diem. Give me my per diem.
Yeah, and you'd probably spend what the whole course of the time you spent $100.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and the per diem was $100

Speaker 2 in American money. Yeah, so yeah.
Right? So then I would take a moped

Speaker 2 and go. And it got to the point where,

Speaker 2 and I feel so bad about it. Why do you feel bad? Because it got to the point where I couldn't get, I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't get hard because I was fucking so much.

Speaker 2 Wait, because you would go every day? Yes. And not only that, I was hurting other women's feelings.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, I'm funny.

Speaker 2 Right? So I make people laugh in the room. So then when I'm in...
Go ahead. So when I'm in the bleacher room,

Speaker 2 and there's a girl that I had four days ago that I had a connection with, but I have to pretend I don't know who they are because I want someone different. So I have to go,

Speaker 2 you know, like pass them, and as soon as they pass them, they go,

Speaker 2 and they look down. Yeah, they get sad.
Down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sit.

Speaker 2 Right. God, that's awesome.
And then it got to the point where I, one time, I even said, I'll just pay you. We're not going to do anything.
We're just going to watch TV. Why? You just were lonely.

Speaker 2 I just was lonely. You wanted just companionship.
Yeah. That's kind of cute, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You knew who also I brought there there was um but he didn't he just wanted to go for the experience sure you should say his name

Speaker 2 he didn't do anything all right he didn't do anything okay you know i went to beirut and had a pro I went to a brothel in Beirut yeah and and they didn't do anything Danny Masterson and his brother went with me just to check it out yeah well I'd go to look at it yeah they didn't do anything and they just they just left but you didn't I live there yeah right yeah yeah I got paid rent I pay rent yeah I paid rent but like I went with the you remember in the dark night Of course.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the Chinese guy. Yes.
Yeah. You took that guy to a brothel? Yeah, but he just wanted to, you know, he was one of the leads of the movie.
His name is Chin Han. Great guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he goes, he went, we had the fruit plate, and he just left. He just wanted some fruit.
Maybe, or he just wanted to, I guess. I think, enjoy the fantasy.
Maybe. I don't know why.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like going to a strip club, though.

Speaker 2 People go to strip clubs and they get blowjobs and they get tugs and all that stuff. And some people just go to a strip club because it's an atmosphere.
It's like a place to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't really love going to a titty bar, but I'll go to a titty bar with friends. But I don't get dances.
I kind of just,

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Speaker 2 Oh my God, where were we? I was in the saddest titty bar I've ever seen in my entire life. It was so sad.

Speaker 2 Jumbo's clone. No, no, no, no.
It was out of town. It was out of town.
And it was so sad. It broke my fucking soul.
Maybe it was in Nashville, but I'm not kidding you, dude.

Speaker 2 I got out $100 cash, and people were like, people were with were like, oh, I'm not going to spend any money. I get $100 in singles.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm not fucking kidding. I walked into the showroom and I was like, oh my God.

Speaker 2 And I mean, the most unattractive people I've ever seen in my life dancing.

Speaker 2 One woman had a tit that was regular tit and then a tit that was like deflated, like she could only afford one of the boob jobs. I swear to God, on my fucking life, one tit was full and one was gone.

Speaker 2 One had left.

Speaker 2 One was out.

Speaker 2 One went and got something. I don't know.

Speaker 2 One was out for milk and the other one was there. And it was unreal, dude.
I felt so bad. I took the $100 and I'm not kidding.
You jammed it right where the tit's supposed to be.

Speaker 2 I threw it, hit her in the face. I said, get your other tit done.
No, I'm not kidding.

Speaker 2 I politely put the stack of money on stage, politely, and I walked out. I was like, no.
Oh, that's so sad. Dude, it was already so fucking sad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wasn't even going to pretend.

Speaker 2 I put the money down, I nodded, and I smiled politely, and I walked right outside of the park, and I smoked a fucking cigarette, and I don't even smoke. I was so sad and hurt that I was like,

Speaker 2 Fuck, give me a fucking cigarette. Because, you know, these women, you know, a lot of them are just trying to go to college, but most of them come to

Speaker 2 these jobs with all this trauma. Oh, my God.
And all this history. It's all, it's sad.
It really is a sad. That's why I don't like strip clubs.
I don't go anymore. Well, first of all,

Speaker 2 I've never cheated on any of my girlfriends.

Speaker 2 I partake,

Speaker 2 if I'm single, I will partake in CD activities. Sure.
But at the end of the day, from now on in, I don't go to strip clubs. I don't do any of that shit.
Well, look, strip clubs are kind of sad.

Speaker 2 I will say this, though. I don't feel bad for any of the girls in Vegas.
Vegas is a, they're playing you hard. Like strip clubs and anywhere else, it's kind of sad.

Speaker 2 They're kind of they usually come from a tough place and they have to like do that to make a good living and like that suck.

Speaker 2 Vegas, those girls go there willingly knowing they're going to fucking clean house.

Speaker 2 There's girls in LA who are actresses that go there for the weekend to do their thing and come back because that's how they pay rent. They're playing people.

Speaker 2 They're making thousands and thousands of dollars. Vegas is not feel bad for me, stripper.
That's like. You just brought up something I never told this before.
Tell it.

Speaker 2 But then when I used to go to Vegas, I used to see one girl. You mean you would call her every time you went? She was a prostitute.

Speaker 2 Her name was, I'm not kidding you, Million.

Speaker 2 Million. That was her name.
M-I-L-L-I-O-N-Y. Million.
Million. And

Speaker 2 she was so hot. Yeah.
And so expensive. White, black, Asian,

Speaker 2 white girl. A grand.
She was one grand every time he had sex. Yes.

Speaker 2 And in fact, for the whole night to go out for the whole night? No. She would come up for 10 minutes.
$1,000

Speaker 2 to come have sex, and I'm leaving.

Speaker 2 In fact, she's so hot that I was there in the Palms once, and I can't say his name, but he admits it. But my friend Louis had no money.
Louis C.K. No.
My friend Louis.

Speaker 2 I can't say his last name.

Speaker 2 Louis Armstrong. I can't say it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Buzz Aldrin.

Speaker 2 I'll get it. Really?

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, but.

Speaker 2 And I went out, went upstairs, had sex with Millian, came back down. He saw him.
He goes, I know that you just had sex with her, but I had to have sex with her now, too. That's how hot she was.

Speaker 2 And she would text me from time to time, telling me what she's doing or what movie she saw. We had, we're friends.
You're still friends. No.
Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Because one night, many years ago, she called me at like three in the morning and she goes, Bobby, I'm scared.

Speaker 2 Like, what's going on? Oh, my God. Oh my God, oh my God.
And then she, and

Speaker 2 Bobby,

Speaker 2 she's dead.

Speaker 2 Maybe, or maybe her dog was chasing. A dog was chasing her.
Oh, yeah, maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe we should cut that out, huh? No,

Speaker 2 who knows what's going to last in this podcast, right? We've been jumping all over the place. That is great.
No, it's been incredible. But I'm also going to, we're not cutting that out.

Speaker 2 You're going to leave that in.

Speaker 2 Rest in peace, Million.

Speaker 2 No, honestly, Million, if you're around.

Speaker 2 Yeah, please call us. Yeah, or just, you know,

Speaker 2 send me a message on MySpace because that's when I knew her. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I want to start taking phone calls on the show. These guys have a a Bluetooth capability.
So can we call Million if we can get a hold of her? Yeah, I want to see if she's okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because she was a nice girl. Let's say this, because we need to clear our tracks real fast.
Right.

Speaker 2 We respect these women that work in sex work. I really genuinely do.
I know it's hard, and there's a lot of trauma that comes along with some people.

Speaker 2 Not everybody, but some people have a tough go, right? But I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 Not all people come from the same situation, so it's not like all of these people go through trauma, but a lot of it comes from tough places. So Million probably was in a bad situation.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody was taking advantage of Million. Yeah.
She was in a bad situation. Yeah.
And I hope she's alive. I hope she's alive, too.
And that was a very, very long time ago. RIP Million.

Speaker 2 And also on top of it

Speaker 2 is that stand-ups, too, in many ways, are similar to strippers.

Speaker 2 In the environments we live in, clubs. Because we're selling ourselves.
Yeah, we're outperforming and selling ourselves, and we do it for free. It was worse.

Speaker 2 If you're a young stripper, you could make a lot of money.

Speaker 2 But as a young comic you can't but it's the same kind of environment and i was i always thought that a lot of comics that i knew have the same kind of backgrounds as strippers

Speaker 2 like if you look at that guy like if you look at like a guy like big jay orkerson or even a tel there's some things going on it feels like you know i don't know i don't either but here's i'll make the comparison that you're trying to make

Speaker 2 Usually comics have some sort of trauma as a youth that makes them want to perform and be in front of people. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Most comics, no, I'll take it back. All comics are addicts one way or another.
Whether addicted to drugs, alcohol, performance, sex, money, attention, all these things, we are addicts.

Speaker 2 End of discussion. Yeah, I had lunch with Louis Howie Mandel.

Speaker 2 Howie Mendel and I go, dude, you work way too much. Like, you have 20 shows you're pitching.
And he goes, because if I sit still, I remain with this. And that's scary.
And I can't be there.

Speaker 2 Right. So it's like,

Speaker 2 his work addiction is the same as how I used drugs and alcohol, I believe. Right.
Yeah. I mean, it's the same thing.

Speaker 2 You don't want to feel.

Speaker 2 You don't want to deal with what's really going on. Right.
And so, you know, you know,

Speaker 2 this podcast. Should have been done three months ago, but I was going through my ordeal.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I've been working on all that, you know, because I no longer, I want to feel more and I want to be present more, you know. You are.
You definitely are, for real.

Speaker 2 Don't say it with that face because then it looks like you faked it. No, no, no, I'm not.
No, I do believe it.

Speaker 2 I think you're more present than you ever read. By the way, when you approached me, when you told me what was really going on, when we had a conversation, okay?

Speaker 2 You know, we had a couple of conversations when we had one and you really told me what was going on,

Speaker 2 I was scared.

Speaker 2 You were? I just didn't know what was going to happen to you. Right.
I thought maybe, you know, and you kept saying to me, for the fans to know, people were like, what was your show coming out?

Speaker 2 Where's your show? The reason that the show got delayed was a myriad of reasons, both my career, your career, and then your personal stuff. And you kept saying to me, the show is going to happen.

Speaker 2 The show is going to happen.

Speaker 2 I think you didn't get it that I didn't care about the show. No, I didn't care anymore.
I understand.

Speaker 2 This means nothing. And it bothered me because you kept getting wrapped up in the idea that I cared more about the show.
I didn't care. Here's why.
I wanted to make sure I wasn't.

Speaker 2 Let me fucking finish.

Speaker 2 I wanted to make sure that you weren't going to go down a real dangerous path. Because I'm going to tell you something.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to mention his name because I don't want to slander him, but there's a gentleman who's in comedy who's an extremely funny individual. You know exactly who I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 He's had a lot of struggles with addiction. He's come in and out and in and out.
He's had some extremely hard times, and he is very funny. Yeah, very tempted.

Speaker 2 Recently. Yes.
Yeah. Okay.
So when I see those things that happen to our people,

Speaker 2 our crew, I get fucked up. I'm like, dude, this is not a, it's not fake anymore.
It's not this fantasy that it's all going to work out.

Speaker 2 Let me scoot this bamboo closer to you.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 When I said that to you,

Speaker 2 it was because

Speaker 2 I wanted to do it.

Speaker 2 And I knew that this is the right move to do. And I wasn't telling you that.
I was saying it to you, but it's

Speaker 2 reminding myself that I need to get better so that I can do this. Right? I understand.
That's what it is. And,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 I wanted to kill myself.

Speaker 2 And I got to that point where I was like, I don't want to be here anymore. You know? And then that thought

Speaker 2 became really depressing and scary to me. Do you really, did you, I'm genuine.
Did you really wake up and say, I could leave and it won't matter? Yeah. You really felt that.

Speaker 2 You felt I could go and it doesn't mean shit. Do you not think, do you not think about

Speaker 2 because i'm being serious a lot of people say when they go through depression or they go through uh suicidal thoughts do you does anyone ever enter your into your mind anybody else enter your mind or no but you have to understand the state that i was in okay i had to understand no you don't because i lost 20 i gained it back but i lost 25 pounds in a month and you gained yeah because i could you gained it right back Plus a couple, if I'm being very honest with you.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. No, but you lost a lot of weight.
You did, and you look good, but go ahead. Okay, I'm glad you're healthy.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Don't say go ahead the way I'm going to go. All right.
That's fine. Go ahead.
But it's rude.

Speaker 2 It's rude. No, you look good.
Go ahead. Don't say go ahead again.
I didn't say go ahead. All right.
So

Speaker 2 I lost 25 pounds. I could not eat.
In fact, when I was in Portland at Helium, I hadn't eaten in days, and I took Stephen Randolph and Chelsea Skidmore to a nice sushi restaurant.

Speaker 2 And I go, you know what? I'm going to try to eat with you guys.

Speaker 2 I took a half a bite of a yellowtail sushi and I vomited on the table holy shit I could not hold anything food up you on anything no I was only weed right so that scared me too it's like I'm only smoking weed how come I can't eat and then all of a sudden I couldn't sleep I would get one hour two hours a night if that were you panicking at night too or were you just

Speaker 2 wide awake was just awake thinking about my dad thinking about my relapse thinking about a myriad of things but then as the non-eating continued and the non-sleeping continued it bec I became manic and I started thinking insane things like what

Speaker 2 I'm gonna jump in front of this bus or you know because you you're not giving yourself nutrients you're in this your thyroid is out of control and I was just in a a space I had never been to before right

Speaker 2 and a miracle happened I ran into a friend of mine And she goes, you look like shit.

Speaker 2 And I was telling her what was going on. Like, I don't know what the fuck is going on because I can't eat, sleep, and I want to kill myself, this and that, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm using, and she's like, you guys see my therapist. I saw the therapist.
And as soon as I started talking about

Speaker 2 my past trauma with my dad,

Speaker 2 the way that he beat us and all that stuff,

Speaker 2 I was driving away from the therapy session and my hunger came back. Wow.
And so I ate three meals that night. And then I sat there and I went, what the fuck is going on?

Speaker 2 There's something that has to do with my dad dying, the history of how how I grew up, and my physical condition now and mental condition. And so I went away to a place and I figured it out.

Speaker 2 And it worked. 100%.

Speaker 2 It changed my life. So I have almost 50 days sober now.
I'm going to meetings every day.

Speaker 2 You don't clap for 50? Yeah, but they didn't. Why didn't you guys fucking clap? No, no, no.
Fuck, you know, George? Fuck you, George. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, man. John's here, too, guys.
John is high. John's fucking ripped out of his head.
Yeah. He doesn't know where we are.
He thinks we're doing just kidding news right now.

Speaker 2 You know, John fell down the stairs twice?

Speaker 2 Of course he did that fucking horse. He leaves the leaps.
Yeah, I know. He fell down twice on the way up.
He goes, whoa, the stairs are moving.

Speaker 2 That's not an escalator, John. Those are fucking regular stairs.

Speaker 2 If there was four types of Asians you could fucking put down on a list, he'd be type number nine. 100%.
They don't even exist. 100%.
Yeah, it's a medical phenomenon, this guy. He is made in a a lab.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my point is, is this.
So, you know, I know this

Speaker 2 got pretty serious real quick. No, we still have some.
We need to get a little bit serious about this. Part of the show is recollecting the mental health of you, me, our friendship.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I think that's a huge portion of our relationship. Yeah, yeah.
Because

Speaker 2 sometimes it gets all over the fucking place. When you told me that you're...
I don't know if you want me to share it, but I don't. Yeah, you did.

Speaker 2 When you told me that your dad knocked your mother's teeth out of her mouth, I saw it in my head, and that was the cra- it was the most

Speaker 2 it was the most real I've ever had connection to that. I don't know physical abuse for mom and dad, yeah, but when you said that to me, I felt it because you're my friend.

Speaker 2 But the most traumatic thing is not just even that, it's

Speaker 2 you know, when I was a kid and my mom got me a cat,

Speaker 2 right? Yes,

Speaker 2 and she and I, and I've never had an animal or a pet. And it was a kitten.

Speaker 2 And this kitten, I remember all summer long, I would sit with this kitten all day long, and we would play, and he would purr, and he was my friend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then one day I came home, and the kitten's gone.

Speaker 2 Completely gone.

Speaker 2 My mom goes, we gave it away.

Speaker 2 And then I started crying, go, why? And then my dad goes,

Speaker 2 stop crying.

Speaker 2 Right? And then they came, went in the house. And I sat there

Speaker 2 where we put the kitten in the garage. You know what I mean? Where he used to live? Where he used to live.
And I just cried

Speaker 2 all day.

Speaker 2 No one to talk to. No one to explain anything to me.
What about Stevie? Stevie was

Speaker 2 really young. He was like three.
Because the gap was so big age-wise. No, just three years.
But when you're six or seven and he's four. He didn't get it.
He didn't get it.

Speaker 2 So it didn't really affect him. He didn't affect him as much as it did me.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 my parents did that with two other animals. Why? So it was a habit for them to take it and give it away? Yeah.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because they think that they can do it, and then like a month later, they don't know. They break.
They break and then they just give it away. Because the responsibility or something?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So then what ended up happening is I.

Speaker 2 So, but did you ever see where they went? Did you ever know where they went? No. In the middle of the night, they would just take it.
I would go to school, come home, they were gone. Did you ever?

Speaker 2 But by the third one, Skippy? Yeah. i didn't care you were right they were just desensitizing you because i didn't bond with skippy do you think did you ever did you ever do you think maybe you guys

Speaker 2 maybe you guys ever ate him do you think you ever ate him

Speaker 2 do you think if you

Speaker 2 do you think maybe if your mother maybe she cooked him

Speaker 2 bro bro even if that did happen maybe i don't want to know i think you did

Speaker 2 if dude because that

Speaker 2 would fuck me up that would fuck you up more in yeah so don't why did you even throw that out forget i said you didn't eat we did not eat them

Speaker 2 but what was weird is is that but now you love animals because of that no because

Speaker 2 in my 20s i my my buddy um set had a bb gun and i used to shoot kittens in the face with bb guns you did that shit yeah you're a serial fucking killer that's what serial killers do they hurt cats i know because i

Speaker 2 I know I'm an animal lover, but because I know that they hurt me emotionally, that I just became

Speaker 2 desensitized to them. So you would hurt them to get back at how you felt when you were a kid.
Yeah, and then what happened was when I met Kalila, now I have six animals. I know, it's awesome.

Speaker 2 And I love them more than life itself. And

Speaker 2 because I have them, it makes me angrier about

Speaker 2 what your parents did. But that makes perfect sense.
Yeah, because because I,

Speaker 2 so given that and the abuse, and just, you know, at 12 years old, I did crystal methamphetamine.

Speaker 2 And I did hard drugs at 12. And no wonder, like, I just had to survive.
Yeah. And I had so much pain as a kid.
And,

Speaker 2 you know, my therapists and all the people that saw me in Arizona, they were saying, it's a miracle that you even have freaking function. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because, and, and they said the reason why you could is because God gave you one skill set,

Speaker 2 humor.

Speaker 2 And you were able to create a career off of that.

Speaker 2 And that's the only thing I know how to do. It's the only thing I did diligently and I did every day.
Yeah. And thank God for that.
Yeah, otherwise, who knows what happened to me? No,

Speaker 2 I don't want to know. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't want to know.
I could have been like the Asian Ed Gein,

Speaker 2 right? Just making like gloves out of human skin, whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, you.
Well, you could have turned into a really bad. That's what I mean.

Speaker 2 You're an inch away from being a serial killer.

Speaker 2 I could have been, but no, because when I was born, and this is going to sound so cheesy and new agey, but as a baby, I was born an innocent kid that needed simple things like nurture,

Speaker 2 all of us, all that stuff. But your environment is what fucks you up.
That's my point.

Speaker 2 So, my original self, my original child, who I am, is that's who I am.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but your environment fucked you up. I understand that, but that doesn't, that's not who I am.

Speaker 2 What God made me was this a good kid.

Speaker 2 I'm a good person. You are a very good person.

Speaker 2 No, you are.

Speaker 2 You're a very good person,

Speaker 2 but you are pretty. You are.

Speaker 2 You're a good person. This is a terrible guy.

Speaker 2 One of the worst people. You're a terrible person.

Speaker 2 You're a good person.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. Why do I have friends with him? You're a good person.
You're a good person. But you just call me for serial killer.
But

Speaker 2 I could easily,

Speaker 2 easily see you becoming a serial killer. And I mean that.

Speaker 2 If your picture popped up on the evening, look right into your camera, look right into yours, and then do smile.

Speaker 2 Serial killer. Tonight on the evening news.
You're going to do that?

Speaker 2 Go ahead, look in the tonight on the evening news, KTLA, Bobby Lee found harassing kittens off the 101 freeway, having sex with them and lighting them on fire. More on this at 10 p.m.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing is that a lot of people that come from that trauma, they victimize other people. They do animals first and then they get to people.
No, but

Speaker 2 when I say I shot one time, I shot a cat with a fucking BBCon. In the face.
All right, that's fine. That's insane.
All right. All right.
Fine. You're like a kid in my neighborhood.

Speaker 2 We were this big, this big, heavyset kid who might have been a little slow upstairs. We don't really know.
Not? You call him retarded? No, because he's not. That's what you just said.
No.

Speaker 2 He just said the kid was retarded. That's not what I said.
I said he was a little slow.

Speaker 2 He was a little slow. Okay.
Like that. Stop.
Trump. He was a little slow.
You know what he used to do? We would catch

Speaker 2 river fish, you know, like bottom feeders. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he would catch them, and he would take the hookup, and he'd be like, watch this. And he would throw them and smash them against the brick wall.
Oh, terrible person. I know.

Speaker 2 And when I see his eyes sometimes, and I shift to you, and I see your eyes, I see the exact same thing. It's harder to see, but when I do see your eyeballs,

Speaker 2 when I look at the tiny windows,

Speaker 2 i can see that little paid that thing inside of you you would kill fit you're the chief you're the chief of every fucking

Speaker 2 police police in the movies yep hand me your badge and your gut and they're trying to go they're trying to go but i didn't but i was saving put your badge and jake yeah yeah yeah a piece of shit we know what you did

Speaker 2 yeah yeah that's you i know what you did yeah you won't stand for it in my dumb you're a villain in every movie huh why don't you take your little chinese tush and get out of my precincts oh shit i know what you're up up to.

Speaker 2 Wong duck dong.

Speaker 2 Take your rice and your duck and keep it moving. But what I ended up doing is I victimized myself.
You did? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm no longer going to do that anymore.

Speaker 2 What is your tip for people that might have, that are going through bullshit and trauma and stuff that they can't control? What would your tip be? I'm not saying their trauma is bullshit.

Speaker 2 I'm saying they're going through a lot of bullshit. What's your tip to these people that really need a little bit of an answer?

Speaker 2 Well, if you went through, I mean, my opinion would be, and it's obviously my opinion, is that if you're going through some sort of, if you had a traumatic childhood abuse,

Speaker 2 it's going to show up in your life at some point.

Speaker 2 And a lot of times it shows up in physical ailments,

Speaker 2 right? Because you hold trauma in your body. So people that have experienced trauma have more chance of getting cancer, strokes.
Is that true? Yeah, women that go through trauma as a child

Speaker 2 have a thousand times more percent of getting raped.

Speaker 2 Right, yes, right, yes. Right, raped and all that stuff, physical, like you know, shortness of breath, can't walk, you know, back aches, neck aches.
Because your body holds on to so much stress.

Speaker 2 Yes, and it creates stress. And that shit needs to be dealt with and released.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so I would say if you can and you can afford it, go see a trauma therapist. Yeah.
You know, and talk about those things. Do EMDR, do all the things that you need to do.

Speaker 2 Because I'm going to tell you, and I'm the biggest skeptic in the book because I've been in recovery for 30 years and I've been to so many institutions and I thought that this place was for loonies.

Speaker 2 And I walked away from it going,

Speaker 2 it was a life changer. You looked down on it initially.
Yeah, because I didn't know what it was. I didn't even really know what my problem was.
And then I went there and

Speaker 2 I feel like I was carrying around a Mac truck on my fucking shoulders. And I feel so much looser and freer.
And the weight is gone and I'm just so much happier. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You look happier. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean you're not you don't look physically better but that's not that wasn't the problem with you.

Speaker 2 You kind of you still have the same you still you're still the same good old six.

Speaker 2 It's so funny that you laugh. It's you especially George.

Speaker 2 Because let me say something right now. I picked you up when you had nothing.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Right, John?

Speaker 2 And now he has the little mini empire and he's fucking like the emperor guy. Isn't that crazy that he's gotten so much?

Speaker 2 And I said on our podcast, I didn't want to talk about him or involve him, and now he's already involved. And he's a snake.
He's a little

Speaker 2 snake. His little giggles, right? He wants everyone to know.
Yeah. Because people know his giggles that he's in the room.
Yep. No more giggling, friend.
Your giggle days are over. You know what?

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 We're going to put, we're going to put... We're going to put a little lapel mic on him.
Yeah. And every time he giggles, he gets whipped at the end.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Every time John laughs, he gets two lashings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. How about a ruler? And we go,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what happened to my mom? It used to happen to my mom all the time in Catholic school? You know, Catholic school is like,

Speaker 2 they used to beat the shit, I mean, beat the shit out of these kids. I'm not kidding.
Like the nuns, my mom would say, first of all, they would hit kids in the face open-handed.

Speaker 2 And when they'd walk around with the ruler, do you know this?

Speaker 2 They would smack you on your arms until you would bleed with rulers.

Speaker 2 But how do they think that that helps?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 they're going through weird trauma, so they're transferring it on to the kids. So they're beating the shit out of the kids because somebody fucked them up.

Speaker 2 I know you're working on a baby. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You want to see a video? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. We have a homemade video.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me pull it up.
But your anger.

Speaker 2 Are you going to... My anger today was because let's tell the crew real quick what's going on.
Let's tell people that are here's the thing.

Speaker 2 We didn't when we came into this today, we worked so hard on putting this studio together. This is a brand new, beautiful studio.
It's incredible, okay? Bobby gets to float in on a fucking cloud

Speaker 2 like a video game character.

Speaker 2 Like it's a fucking, like it's a special power. And he floats in and he, first thing he comes in, he's like, This color's bad.
Fuck this color. I don't like the blue.
Oh, did you do that at all?

Speaker 2 I'm Joe Petchi.

Speaker 2 and he complained about the shelf because george didn't put up the shelf yet because george was rewiring stuff and we're we're falling behind on time schedule wise but you you came in and and you were early which pissed me off it fucking pissed me off why because i'm responsible you're never early dude i'm oh

Speaker 2 george am i early time out what time did he tell you to be here three o'clock no way yeah You were here at 2.20. I know.

Speaker 2 Because I had therapy in Cino. Yeah.
Would you want me to wait down the street in a car?

Speaker 2 You live five seconds from here. So do I.
We live five seconds from here.

Speaker 2 I was surprised that you were early. It fucked me up.
I was building a table and you came and you criticized things. So you turned me off.

Speaker 2 The veins. And then I realized he has little pot marks on his cheeks like Edward James Olmo, right?

Speaker 2 So do you. So first of all, so do you.
When you, you zit face fucker. You still have zits.
How about some propitia or something? You still have zits. Or proactive.
You still have zits. Propitia.

Speaker 2 Propitia. Propitia.
Proactive. You still have zits, by the way.
I don't have any zits on my face right now.

Speaker 2 Dude, take a photo of our faces and go to a fucking dermatologist and go, who has worse skin?

Speaker 2 This is a scar from my youth. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you pop, pop, but the rest of my face.

Speaker 2 And I don't wash my face. Pop, pop.

Speaker 2 Fucking. You still have zits.
I don't have any zits on my face. Okay, well, it looks like it.
It looks like it.

Speaker 2 Your whole head looks like a fucking boil. This is just red.
It is a red boil that they pop and a juice on the bottom. Your whole head, your whole head looks like, you know the lemon head guy?

Speaker 2 That's what you look like.

Speaker 2 The yellow lemon head guy. That's delicious.
Look at this.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 that's racist. Oh, Bobby Luke.
No, lemon head. I'm saying lemon head.
The can. Yeah, this is you.
Hey.

Speaker 2 I'm Andrew Santino, and I'm going to have a caught child, and I'm going to have that rage. You cannot rage out on your child.
Yes, I will. Yes, I will.
No, you won't. Okay.
You're going to scar it.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. You're my kid.
Ready? Yeah. What happened?

Speaker 2 Billy down the street, he hit me on the leg with a baseball bat. With what? A hard bat or a soft bat? Based on a soft bat.
Yeah? Go get my hard bat out of the garage. Come on, let's go.
Okay.

Speaker 2 We walked down the street. Hey, did you hit him?

Speaker 2 Yeah?

Speaker 2 Okay, son.

Speaker 2 Son, this boy's live. This is a bad thing.
Take my bat. Take my bat, and I'll start hitting him back right now.
Hit him as hard as you can. But I'm a girl.
I'm your daughter. Babe, I don't.

Speaker 2 You're going to call me. I see no gender.
Oh, you don't? That's why I shaved your head. I was mad you were a girl.
Okay, so you're going to be a a boy now. You understand? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Your name is Mark.

Speaker 2 I just want you to be loving. I am going to be loving.
I'm going to be very loving. I'm going to be very loving.
I'm going to be very loving. But I am going to hit it.
I'm going to hit it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to teach it what's really going on. You know how they say you let it cry, you got to let it cry out? Yeah.
If my kid cries too long, outside, putting it outside.

Speaker 2 I think you need it, like for rage. This is my therapy.
You're my therapy. No, you don't need.
I don't have. I went to anger stuff.
I've gone to stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And could I just say this? Normal people don't go to things like that. So why? When I was a kid,

Speaker 2 because I got kicked out of every school I was ever in for fighting. Because you're outrageous, angry.

Speaker 2 Because the world is

Speaker 2 fucked. So I would punch kids.
I used to punch people all the time. I loved it.
But, dude, let me say something about this guy. If I grew up with you, I would have punched you as hard as I could.

Speaker 2 Every day. And I would have probably killed myself then.
40 years down the road. Well, then I wish we met then.

Speaker 2 Wow. That hurts so bad.
But I want to say something positive. No, I'm kidding.
I'm going to say something positive. You know, I'm kidding.
Second of all, we wouldn't have grown up together.

Speaker 2 You're fucking 30 years older than me. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 So, and I believe this in a cosmic way. Yeah.

Speaker 2 One day I'm driving down the street with Kalila and her niece, Juliana.

Speaker 2 We're like, let's go eat. Let's do something.
So we, and just,

Speaker 2 I just went, let's just bowl. Have you bowled? Do you know how to bowl?

Speaker 2 And they're like, bowl?

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, yeah, where's a bowl? I didn't even know where a bowling place is. So we Google it, we drive around,

Speaker 2 and then we find it. And I'm like, I don't know how to do it.
They put me the shoes on. I don't know how to do it.
And so we go, and then we bowl.

Speaker 2 And I turn to my left, and I see Andrew Santino, his wife, and some white nerd.

Speaker 2 That's our slave. That's our slave.
Your slave. We have a little white sex slave we can put on in case we get horny.
And they're literally in the next lane over. Yeah, one lane over.

Speaker 2 One lane over, and I turn to him. And to me, I just the odds of it.
Right. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. And you want to know what you said? What? Look at these ugly pieces of shit.

Speaker 2 And then you know what you did? You turned around with rage at first. Immediately.
He was like, This is Andrew. This is what Andrew did, right? Say it, say it.
Look at these ugly pieces of shit.

Speaker 2 It was crazy. And then once he realizes Elena, I go, Bob, Bob right and then he goes let me bowl for you

Speaker 2 bro you're talking about

Speaker 2 a professional Midwest he does a fucking spin

Speaker 2 it was fucking incredible dude it was so fun you're so good that was the universe that brought us together that day again that was so funny man yeah because I just got back in the town but do you believe in stuff like that cosmic

Speaker 2 100 yeah I do I don't believe in fate I think fate is bullshit because I don't think anything is supposed to happen to you. Yeah.
But I think the universe makes things happen.

Speaker 2 Coincidentally, I think things kind of happen, and it's the universe giving you tips like, hey, this is a good, this is a good, this is a good, this is a bad.

Speaker 2 But do you do, but do you, do you equate that to God?

Speaker 2 I don't really believe in God. But do you believe in some sort of?

Speaker 2 I believe in the power of the universe. I believe in the power of connection and people and energy.
And something matches things together. So, yeah, I see that as God.
Sure, that's what you say.

Speaker 2 I don't like the word God. I know, I'm not saying Jesus.
I'm not saying a biblical God. I know, but God, as God in the frame of reference of where you're taking it from,

Speaker 2 is from Christians. Like, you're thinking Christian God.
I mean, Zoroastrian has a God. I know, but you were thinking of Christian God when you were saying that.
I was thinking about Zoroastrianism.

Speaker 2 You were thinking about the original religion. Okay, fine.
So you're telling me you're really thinking about their reference of God, or are you thinking about the Christian God? Zoroastrian. Okay.

Speaker 2 I believe it.

Speaker 2 Before Christ. If you say it, I believe it.
Yeah. I just have heard God my whole life from the Christian perspective.
Yeah. And I don't like the thing that they say.

Speaker 2 I don't believe it's a white dude in a beard up there. No.

Speaker 2 Also, where did he get the clothes from?

Speaker 2 Exactly. Who made the shoes? Why would he need clothes? Where are the shoes? You can control the environment of how the temperature is.
I don't like it.

Speaker 2 He's like to put this face in the clouds. It's a white guy's filled with a white.
And he wouldn't be in a cloud. He'd be in some sort of tempored.

Speaker 2 chair that you know what i mean he'd be floating on tits he would have a bed of tits yeah yeah yeah just a bed of huge tits Yeah, or

Speaker 2 he wouldn't even need a body. But why? It's not even a chick.
Yeah, it's not even a dude. It's not a chick.
That whole competition where people are like, God is a woman.

Speaker 2 It's like, God's, first of all, God is not human. If God is real, whatever you think, it's not a fucking one of us.
It's not. No, of course not.

Speaker 2 It's that fucking bamboo tree that I got for you, but I don't know. He has no judgments against gays or certain ethnicities.
Well,

Speaker 2 certainly. Some.
Some. Some.

Speaker 2 And definitely dwarves. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm not going to work on that.
That's just him having fun. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's him having a good time.

Speaker 2 He goes, this one's not done yet, Lord. He goes, let me just put it out there.

Speaker 2 See what happens. Right?

Speaker 2 And then the kid gets on the Game of Thrones.

Speaker 2 And he's like, oh, fuck. That wasn't supposed to happen.
No.

Speaker 2 And they're breeding with normal size. That's weird.

Speaker 2 I don't like this at all.

Speaker 2 We're friends with so many dwarves. So many little people.

Speaker 2 We're friends with Inuits.

Speaker 2 What? I don't know any. You mean natives?

Speaker 2 what you do you met one who

Speaker 2 don't talk you fuck

Speaker 2 who's in you have an Inuit friend I don't know I don't know Inuits are natives right they're natives they're Eskimos oh we need to get you a mic so you can fucking handle we can do we got to get him a mic we'll have

Speaker 2 we have to control it can we have a button over here where we can turn it off yeah okay perfect can we just have a better looking sidekick

Speaker 2 than him yeah well let's get somebody like John's better looking how about just having you You want to be here for a bunch, John? Yeah, you should. How about this?

Speaker 2 We'll just get one mic there, and then anyone can talk. Whoever has that.
You know what we're going to do for the next episode? What? Seriously? What?

Speaker 2 We're going to hire an actor or an actress off Craigslist, and they have to talk through him or her.

Speaker 2 Just do that. Someone that we really enjoy talking to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So someone that's like cool and fun, and they get to audition that person, though.

Speaker 3 100%. All right.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 they get to speak through the person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we'll have to get a camera over there and put it on then. Is that okay?

Speaker 2 Is that okay? Of course it's okay. I do whatever the fuck I want.
I'm telling you what to do. Yeah.
But is that okay? Okay, great.

Speaker 2 That was long enough, right? How long did we go?

Speaker 2 How long has it been? Hour 20. And a buck 20.
Do we know what part of this episode that we like and which ones we hate?

Speaker 2 I like it all. You like all of it? Don't you? I think we reached a lot of good heights.
In fact, to be very honest, my old lady asked me

Speaker 2 what the key points we're going to hit on. I said, I want to do this scene.
I'm not joking.

Speaker 2 I said, I want to do a scene with you and then talk about a little bit of the business stuff, but we didn't even get into some stuff I wanted to talk to you about. And I wanted to know about

Speaker 2 genuinely mental health and how you're feeling, and you did it on your own, which is surprising. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we're going to make some big changes for the second and third and fourth interviews.

Speaker 2 This is our first

Speaker 2 interview.

Speaker 2 This is it. We're never doing it again.

Speaker 2 Okay. Enjoy this.
All right. I'm not going to do it again.
By the way, shut up. You know the secret episode? Yeah.
Our secret episode? Yeah. So I have the file.

Speaker 2 I'm going to release it, but here's what I'm going to do. The one that we're not supposed to release? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to raise money, and then we're going to donate all the money. To what, us?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I think we're going to. Because I think, because, you know, Chris D and Giannis,

Speaker 2 they did an episode of something, and they put it, it gets really racist and bashes on people. Yeah.
Not racist, but it bashes on a lot of people. We do, we do.
And

Speaker 2 people are,

Speaker 2 we'll reduce it for a million dollars. And some people are considering it.
That's safe. They say.
Who would have a million to do that? Oh, you're saying they have to crowdfund a million?

Speaker 2 Yeah, to release it. Wow.

Speaker 2 We should release it to a special Patreon.

Speaker 2 I was thinking about it. I was like, but it would have to be.

Speaker 2 Have you listened to it? Yeah. Is it racist? Yep.

Speaker 2 Is it sexist? Yep.

Speaker 2 Is it going to get us in trouble? Yep.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding. I have, in my car, in my center console, there's like a slot for SD cards.
Like, there's also, there's USB and there's SD. And I put it in one day.
I'm not kidding. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the moment I started driving and I started listening to it, I took it out. I was like, oh, my God, that's so fucking so fucking bad.

Speaker 2 I remember driving away from it, going, if he releases that, my career is over. We talked about it right away.
I was like, we can't do that. We can't.
That's a bad idea. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You know why, though? Because the energy that came into that room when we were doing it, that was in an old studio in Hollywood. And your energy was bullshit when you walked in.

Speaker 2 And my energy was really, I was pissed off. Yeah.
And it was two fuses. And it was, it was over.
One time him and I did one an hour. Remember, we did an hour? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we stopped and we go, we have to do it again. We started over.
Yeah. We started over scratch.
Terrible. We needed to walk away for a second.
It was really bad because something was off.

Speaker 2 Something was wrong. I mean, you know what? And that's going to happen.
Well, but I know what it was. What was it?

Speaker 2 Be honest. Let's get this podcast.
I don't want you to fucking. Okay.

Speaker 2 Tell me the truth. You were being

Speaker 2 trying to find a good word.

Speaker 2 To be real, say it. I know.
I want to find the word. Don't say it.
Find the word. You were being

Speaker 2 brat.

Speaker 2 There needs to be a new word for brat. You were being a fucking brat.
A little entitled bitch. You were a bitch.
You were a fucking cheerleader. You were a little cheerleader.
You're the top.

Speaker 2 You're the best in school.

Speaker 1 I'm Becky, and I get everything I want, you know?

Speaker 2 And you showed up to the party, and everyone was having fun without you. And you were like, get out.
I'm Becky. You know, and you were a brat.
You were a fucking entitled brat.

Speaker 2 And you were acting mean. And

Speaker 2 you were like poking at me.

Speaker 2 Where are you going? I did. Let's end it.

Speaker 2 Let's just fucking end it. No.
We did good. Put your fucking headphones on.

Speaker 2 You were being a brat.

Speaker 2 I guess it's ended. You're doing it right now.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm Becky.

Speaker 2 Fucking asshole. That's what you were doing.
The voice, though. I'm Becky.
I'm Becky. All right, here.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This has been fine.

Speaker 2 Oh, you don't think it was good? I think it was fucking awesome, actually. Okay, good.
I think it was really, really fun.

Speaker 2 I think it's a good start to this whole show, man. Yeah.
I don't know how we're going to end it, how we're going to start it. Bobby hated the music.
I put up the music that I had potentially.

Speaker 2 You hated the art. You hated the music.
You didn't want to call it red and yellow.

Speaker 2 I'm going to bring some stuff from home here. Yeah, do whatever you got to do.

Speaker 2 To make me feel at home. Oh, you want to help out?

Speaker 2 Let's help out on the show. Let's just end it.
Let's just listen. Oh, you want to help out on the show? Listen, I thought that's the other one.
You want to help out on the show?

Speaker 2 Oh, you want to help out on the show?

Speaker 2 This is ended. From Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.
Bad friends. Bad friends.

Speaker 2 We'd like to say. Goodbye.
Thanks for being a...

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Ta-da. What do we rehearsed it? Oh, yeah.
Thanks for being a listener. Thank you.
Thanks.

Speaker 2 Thanks for being our bad friend.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being our bad friend.

Speaker 2 At this one, two, three. Thanks.
Thank you for being our our bad friend.

Speaker 2 Honestly,

Speaker 2 that was a great one.