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I had been doing porn for like two years. I've made it since I was 19 and I'm 23 now.
And my brother was on Tumblr because he was scrolling through and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You guys are weird.
Hands are looking good. Have you seen a Korean guy around here? Who, Bobby? You two are sociopaths.
You two are disgusting. You guys are nuts.
You guys are sick. You two are wholesome and decent.
Oh, good. You two are back together.
You guys are freaks. You are a bad friend.
You two are dangerous when you coordinate. You guys are gross.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
So do you want to start the podcast telling people that you don't care that you hit my wife's car last week? Well, I mean, you could be anybody's car. I wouldn't give a fuck.
You hit my wife's car. I don't give a fuck.
And guess what, dude? How much do I owe her? 15 grand. Well, I'll give it the 15 grand.
Well, then give it to me cash. It doesn't cost 15 grand, though.
Yes, it does. You have no idea what it costs.
What is it? You have no idea what it costs. You know what costs 15 grand? What? That stupid haircut that you have.
15 grand. You think my haircut costs 15 fucking grand? Yeah, it's so fancy.
Is that like you're doing a leave it to beaver kind of thing with a Nazi heart? It's not leave it to beaver. You have a Nazi heart.
It is a little bit of a Nazi. It's a little Hitler youth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone has to be tidy on this podcast.
Wow. So I can't be nice and tidy.
Look, dude, I do not appreciate you hit my wife's car and you don't give a fuck at all. You don't even know how much- Well, then ask me then.
Ask me if I give a fuck. Do you give a fuck? Yeah.
Bob. I do Bob I do No you don't Is she hurt? No she's not hurt dude No one was in the car I know she You hit a parked car While you were parking Means nothing to me It really doesn't It means zero That's so fucked up When you hit You're my friend right? Okay And I want to be completely Like up front up front and honest with you.
Yeah. I literally don't feel anything.
But just say I'm sorry. No.
Bob. You know how many times you've hurt me? I haven't hit your car.
I know, but you've physically hurt my fucking vessel. I've hurt your body.
My vessel. I understand.
Your body. Spacesuit.
That's not a vessel. It is.
Where does my soul live?

In my vessel.

You think you've got a soul?

It's small.

It's a very, very small soul.

Let me tell you something.

Your vessel can be hit and incurred little damage over the years.

You hit my wife's car.

You didn't even care at all.

You didn't even say I'm sorry.

And I said, you hit my wife's car.

And you said what?

I don't care.

How much is it?

I don't want to say I don't care.

I said, I don't give a fuck.

I said it like this. I don't give a fuck.
I don't care. How much is it? I don't want to say I don't care.
I say I don't give a – I say it like this.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't.

What?

I don't.

No.

That's Stephen Hawking robot you.

I don't.

Oh, yeah.

I thought you were doing an Asian accent again.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't.

That's an Asian accent.

I don't give a fuck.

This is what you're doing.

Hey.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck.

How much do you think it costs to fix a bumper?

I don't know.

Two grand.

Okay.

Okay.

Give me two grand.

I'll see give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
How much do you think it costs to fix a bumper? I don't know.

Two grand.

Okay.

Okay.

Give me two grand.

I will.

Perfect.

I won't.

Why?

I will not.

You just said you were going to.

I refuse.

Okay.

Let's let it go.

I'm going to make you a deal.

Yeah, make me a deal.

I'm not going to make you a deal.

I'm going to just say something.

Okay, say something.

All right.

I purposely hit your wife's stupid fucking car, and there's no feeling behind it. I know.
And I don't give a fuck. I know.
I know you did. And that's the honest truth.
I'm not going to give you any money. No, I know.
No apology. I know.
You get nothing from me. Yeah, I get it.
Right? You can hit mine all day long. Yeah, I don't want to hit your car because it's a Prius.
It's already a piece of shit. Hitting a piece of shit doesn't make it worse.
It just continues its piece of shitness. Yeah.
If I hit your car with my nice car, what a waste of time for me. My car is nice.
Yours is a piece of shit. Your car is you, by the way.
You know, when redheaded people... It's filled with trash.
They do the redheaded thing. It smells like shit.
They don't do the face as well. You want to do the face as well? The red face? Yeah, I'm going to do the red face.
God. Don't get upset with me because of the way I look.
Because I don't get upset with you by the way you look. I look good.
No, you don't. For my type? What do you think you are on a scale of one to ten? What's the – on cuteness? A ten.
If you're on hotornot.com. Bro, I have facts to prove that I'm cute, bro.
Really? Dude, when I – Give it to me. When I was on that monkey show, I was on a monkey show called Animal Practice.
Yeah, for about 10, 15 minutes. I remember it.
13 episodes. Oh, was it a good show? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it was a really good show. It was written extremely well.
Everyone liked it. Everybody wants it to come back.
Yeah. Right.
Why don't you guys say in the comments... What about your show, Mixed Drinks, or whatever that was? At least I got to work with Larry Charles.
Oh, and I've done work with him as well. I know, but who did you work with on the monkey show? The Russo Brothers? Okay.
Are they bigger than Larry Charles? The guy who did Borat? Are the Russo Brothers bigger than the guy that did Borat? They did Avengers Endgame? Yeah.

Let me see the parallel of comedy for the monkey show between Avengers Endgame.

All right.

George, you be the deciding factor.

In terms of money making, in terms of cultural impact.

I'm saying.

Avengers Endgame or Borat.

I love Borat.

It was one of my favorite comedy movies of all time.

Not money.

I was also in The Dictator.

Larry Charles.

Anyway, go. Yeah, you were in The Dictator.
Larry Charles. Anyway, go.

Yeah, you were in The Dictator.

Yeah, I was.

You were Kim Jong?

No, that was the interview.

You were Kim Jong-un.

No, no, no. The Dictator was

with Sacha Baron Cohen.

Wait, no, no.

You were Kim Jong-il, weren't you?

That's Randall Park

that was on the other fucking movie.

Oh, he's great.

I love that guy.

All right.

He's one of my favorite Asian actors.

Yeah, I love Ron Howard.

He's one of my favorites, too.

He should be.

He's an iconic person

who was in Andy Griffith

as Opie Taylor

and then went on to be one of the greatest characters of all time in Happy Days. Okay? Let me ask you something, George.
Piece of shit. In terms of culture impact.
Implact. Endgame or Borat? Borat.
Yes. Borat.
What's quoted more? 100%. My wife.
Who quotes Avengers? Give me one quote line from Avengers Endgame. Let's go the building that was in it right ah when they got shot oh I wasn't I was good let's go in the building Hulk metaphor for five times Hulk metaphor for four times he went to go go go and he did that a go go go yeah it was go go go on Hulk have you been, by the way? Tell everyone you've been in Hawaii.

I haven't.

Yeah, I was in Hawaii.

What were you doing in Hawaii?

Well, as you know, my dad died.

No, that's not why you went to fucking Hawaii.

Yes.

No, it's not.

My dad died.

Okay.

Fuck you.

Okay, dude.

All right.

A lot of people's dads are dead.

Okay.

Is your dad dead?

Not literally, but metaphorically, I guess. All right, but you don't know how it feels.
Yes, I do. That your dad died? Not literally, but metaphorically, I guess.

You don't know how it feels.

Yes, I do.

That your dad died?

Your dad hasn't died.

My dad's not dead, but I don't know him that well.

Did he abandon you?

Yeah.

I'm so happy about that.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

But I was in Hawaii.

Can I explain?

Yeah, please.

So the first leg of Hawaii, I had to shoot Iria Karana's show.

Tell them what the show is.

Called Magnum P.I.

Why are you laughing?

No, it's a great show.

Right?

I know. It's better than Mixed Nuts, the show that you were on.

Not even on it anymore.

It was eight years ago.

Go ahead.

Okay.

So and then –

I'm laughing because I think it's funny you're on – do you know the cultural relevance

of the original Magnum P.I. or no?

I have no idea what it is, no. The original Magnum P.I.? No.
Do you know there cultural relevance of the original Magnum P.I. or no? I have no idea what it is, no.

The original Magnum P.I.?

No.

Do you know there was one before the one you're doing right now?

I just found that out, yes.

Holy shit.

Do you know who the star was?

Tommy Salloc.

Tommy Salloc?

Tom Salloc.

Tom Salloc.

Tom Salloc.

Mustachioed man of the 80s and 90s.

Yeah.

And then there was a helicopter black man.

What? There was a man in the original oh it was a black guy oh right the helicopter sure and that's all I know let's not talk about helicopters and black guys right now that's very weird that's you that's a bad I didn't know what you were talking about when you said that was my Ari Shafir joke that was good it was great yeah you did a great job um No, so then I, let me finish. Go.
So I did Magnum and then my mother's never gone anywhere in the world except for Korea and the United States. She's never been to Europe? No.
Whoa. My mother took care of my dad for the last 12 years because he was really sick.
Prior to that though? She's never gone anywhere. I'm asking why not.
Because she just didn't want to, and my dad is not a traveler.

He doesn't give a shit, and so they just never went anywhere.

Now your dad can go wherever he wants.

Yeah.

He can float there.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Well, he floats underground.

You think your dad's in hell?

I don't know, man.

He wasn't a spiritual guy.

No?

No. But anyway, no, he wasn't.
wasn't really no he didn't go to church no my dad was um a rageaholic you already know this he i know yeah he's a bad he was like i love um but he was uh just a really rage too much yeah okay so go on so then i went to um haw Hawaii because, and then at the tail end of it, my mom flew to Maui.

How nice.

And we stayed at the Grand Waialea.

One of the best hotels in Hawaii.

Hotel.

And we did a lot of eating and traveling around and she really loved it.

She's never seen a waterfall before.

Really?

Yeah.

What was that like to feel her watch a waterfall for the first time? Was that did that really like was that really a moving moment for you huh yeah because it didn't happen yet bobby we have to lie to you know but it's weird to talk about something that didn't happen yet doesn't matter they don't know that we didn't do this yet i know but it's like what if something happened in hawaii where i was thinking like you know my mom didn't have a good time well let's try to predict how it went right i'm your mom listening now let's just say it anybody listening right now we're taping this early because bobby's going to hawaii to shoot a bunch of magnum pi episodes and i told him not to do it but it's fucking up the release of the show anyway let's pretend that we're in hawaii this is what's gonna happen yeah i'm your mother yeah and you're you and we're seeing a waterfall for the first time ready? yeah yeah Bobby stop peeing I'm your fucking mom oh I'm fucking you're you that's the waterfall why did you think you're pissing in this fucking episode because of this it was sort of like I'm who am I can we back up though? you're Bobby Lee who else are you supposed to be in this fucking scenario? I don't know. There's other people going.

There's two characters in this scene.

You and your fucking mom.

Which one do you think you should be?

Which one do you think you should be? I think I'm closely.

I think I better understand the character of Bobby Lee.

You're right.

Would you like to be your mother and I'll be you?

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's do that.

Let's role play.

Okay.

Here we go.

We're at the waterfall. I want to do the sound.
I'm Bobby Lee. I want to do the sound.
Do the sound. Ma'am.
Ma'am. Ma'am, do you like waterfall? Have you ever seen before? That's not what it sounds like.
That's exactly what you sound like. Ma'am.
Ma'am. Do you like waterfall? Do I really sound like that? You sometimes do, yeah.
Oh, God. Ma'am, how do you like the waterfall? It okay.

You don't like too much?

Let go back hotel.

Why?

I'm tired.

Oh, okay.

Well, waterfall here, first time for you.

All right.

You're doing a dad fan impression.

No, I'm not.

You're doing a dad fan impression.

All right, I'll be you.

I'll be Bobby.

Ready?

All right.

Mom, why don't you like...

You do the sound.

Why don't you...

You do the sound Why don't you You do the sound

Okay

Why don't you like the waterfall mom?

I'm being you but I'm just

Why don't you like

I'm the me now

Oh shit

Yeah that's right

You fucked it up

Bobby this waterfall crazy

You're doing the same fucking accent

You fucker

No it's not

It's the same accent

You fucking cocksucker

How is it the same?

Do me

Do me real quick. Ma'am, ma'am, you like the waterfall? Okay, and then do my mom.
Bobby, this is a waterfall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a little different. It's a little different, right? It's a little different.
Okay, good, yeah. I don't want to do this waterfall game anymore.
All right, fine. We won't do it anymore.
It's ridiculous. All right, so yeah, for the fans that want to know, yeah, Bobby's in Hawaii shooting, so that's why we had to come back we haven't done so here's the thing we haven't gone to i haven't gone to hawaii yet and um three days ago the ari shafir thing happened we're taping this episode prior to the release yeah it did happen yeah the ari shafir thing the kobe bryant thing happened because i don't i don't know where else to talk about it you can talk about it now.
Yeah. Unless you talked about it on Belly or you're going to talk about it on Belly.
I haven't talked about it on Belly. Well, then don't talk about it on there if you're going to talk about it on there.
I'm not going to talk about it on that. So what do you want to say? Go ahead.
You did say before the episode for the people at home, Bobby said, I really want to talk about it. I said, this episode ain't going to come out for a month.
Here's the thing. Here's the thing, okay? It's just that people threatening his life is crazy.
Number one, you're not going to – no one's going to do anything.

He's getting death threats, right? Yes. He's getting death threats from people.
No one's going to do anything. Number two, people saying, yo, dude, you're a goof.
You're not funny. You know what I'm tired of is when people comment – I get it sometimes.
When they go, you're not funny, it's like, I am. Right.
Of course. We all are because it's impossible to get to where we are without going through 10,000 obstacles.
Right. Right.
Being vetted showcases, you know, I mean, just constant. You can't get to the place that you're physically at without any talent.
It's impossible. So why are they writing it? Yeah, because these people are insecure.
They're they have their own fucking issues. Yeah.
issues yeah right so so i wanted to say this before you continue real fast somebody told me that ice cube retweeted or put on instagram ari's video and now i can't find it did you hear this no but i know that rap report did it well rap did it um and then here was the other thing that happened with it a lot of people kept saying look at this racist piece of shit yeah And a lot of like a lot of dudes on Twitter, a lot of black dudes were like racist, racist. And it was really funny to me because I was like, you could you could say a lot of other things.
This wasn't him being racist. It's him just making a fucking.
Yeah. A shitty Twitter joke or Instagram.
It could have been a white basketball player. Rarely, though, by the way, that doesn't happen much.
They can't afford helicopters? White basketball player is kind of an oxymoron

I mean, there's a couple

It's like Chambers from the Phoenix Suns

Do you remember him?

What?

Who?

There was a white guy named Chambers

Was that his name?

Chambers

What?

Will Chamberlain

Not Will Chamberlain

No, there was another guy

Will fucking Chamberlain was black

No, there was a guy named Chambers

Bobby, if you're looking for a white guy

There's plenty of white guys that do play basketball

I want to look it up now

Chambers

Yeah, Phoenix Suns

Thank you. What? Because you're so bad at stuff like that.

Because my brother used to have this NBA game.

And Tom Chambers was somebody that was on the game. Back then, back in the day, he did this move.

Wow.

I just remember, and then I memorized his last name.

Tom Chambers.

He was an American basketball player.

Was he white?

Huh?

There we go.

Larry Bird, white.

None of these guys play anymore.

Can you name me one white guy in the NBA that plays right now?

Yeah.

This is insane.

Griffin.

Blake Griffin?

Yes.

Or Eric Griffin?

Blake Griffin.

Blake Griffin.

Blake Griffin is not white.

He's half white.

He's not black.

Yes, he is.

There's something going on.

Yeah, he's half white, half black.

Yeah, but there's also some redheaded thing going on. Like he's like mixed with Sinbad.
You know what I mean? I thought you were- There's like a carrot top-y kind of vibe. That's his white half.
Oh, so probably his white half was redhead, some freaky redhead like you. They were Irish, yeah.
And then the black was probably like some weird black and then they mixed. What do you mean weird black? I mean just like a Delroy Lindo black.
You know what I mean? Am I digging a hole? Yeah. No, I don't think that's racist what I'm saying.
No, I guess not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's up to you. All right.
Tom Chambers. Tom Chambers was a first round draft pick.
Yeah, exactly. I knew he was.
Very good. Very good at what he did.
You know who selected him? Who? Your hometown. Phoenix Suns? Your hometown.
San Diego? San Diego Clippers. Oh.
The Clippers were at San Diego at one point? The San Diego Clippers in 1981. Can we go back to Ari or no? Yeah, let's talk about it.
So when they say death threats, that's crazy. You're right.
You can't say you're not funny anyway. Or, you know, it's like that doesn't make any sense.
But do you think what he said was funny? Let's clarify that. Do you think what he said? No, you don't.
No, I because. So don't you think I need a switch or an obvious punchline or something clever? So here's my point real quick.
Not to cut you off. The reason that they're saying you're not funny isn't because they don't think his collective whole career is not.
They're saying that isn't funny. That's not what they're saying.
They're saying that, Bobby, they don't know who he is. So when they just see him for the first time, they go, you're not funny.
Cause that's not funny. That's, that's what they're saying.
Oh, I see. So you said it's not funny.
Okay, go ahead. And I thought it was, um, you know, the reason why you think that, um, tragedy plus time You know how they say that? Yes.
That has been said since the vaudeville days, right?

Because it's a vetted thing. It's something that is truthful.
It's one of those that, you know, it's like you got to let – I do Pearl Harbor jokes, but this is 70 years past, right? Do you think it was 70 years ago? The 1940s or whatever. Okay.
When did it happen? No, I just wanted to make sure you knew your timeline. Because you're trying to, you know what you're trying to do? We've done timelines before.
I know, but you're trying to insult me and ridicule me. I'm not at all.
You're setting it up like, do you even know? This is what you do. Do you know? And if I say it wrong, you go, idiot.
I don't say, I would never say idiot. I've never called you an idiot.
Not once. I i know but you think it maybe yeah so go ahead it's so you think you think not enough time had passed he did it the same day it happened he did it probably hours after it happened you know i just think that when um children children are involved yeah and innocent people are involved yeah um families are being ripped apart i can't imagine what these people are going through right it's a nightmare yeah it's so it's awful yeah and so the timing was super bad and um also the rape thing is um it's not as if kobe bryant is systematically a rapist right it was one incident if, yes.
It's systematic, right? What did he do? I don't remember, but he did something, right? Did he? I feel like he didn't do anything. Yeah, he drugged women and that one woman that— I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you thinking of Michael Jackson? No, no, no, no, Bill Cosby.
What did Jackson do? He made great music. He did.
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Chips Registry, Bahamas. Anyway, yeah, you think because it involved children, it's like prison rules.
That's what I said to somebody, prison rules. No women and children type of shit, right? Yeah.
If you kill a woman and a kid or rape them in prison, they kill you, they fuck you up. Right, right, right.
But if you kill a guy or an adult male, people are like, who cares? Yeah. So you think the children on board escalated it to a point for you where you're not comfortable with it? And also, so the rape thing is one thing.
It's allegations. Right.
He got acquitted of the rape, correct? He got acquitted. Isn't that right? Yeah.
Yeah, you got acquitted. And so you can't really use that as well.
Like, ha, ha, ha, a rapist died. We don't know.
Yeah. We don't know.
Well, if Cosby died, you go, ha ha ha, a rapist died. Yeah, he was.
Because he's been convicted of rape. Not only that, it's 20, 30, 40 women, right, out of the woodwork coming out.
Yep. Same with Harvey Weinstein, right? Right.
You can't. So you can make that joke.
Of course. But with Kobe, you can't.
And he's also a good father. It's not just me saying it.
It's like everyone says it. That's something that you know on a personal level or that you're saying? No, no, no.
I mean you can just tell. Sure.
Right? Just through – just the photos in itself. Look, I don't disagree with you.
I'm just playing devil's advocate. I don't know what kind of guy he was.
I don't know his character. I never never knew him on a personal level i assume from the public eye and the media perception of who he was i i think he was a cool great dude i also don't know dude i don't know that fucking one weird thing that he does that i was just like what well he come on he doesn't talk to his parents he hasn't talked to his parents for many many years you know that for a fact yeah i do why didn't he talk to his parents because they sold a half a million dollars with a memorabilia oh right i do remember this yes right yeah they sold his shit just cut them off it's like who gives a shit right he also doesn't give his sisters money or anything that he's like they they're smart girls they can handle themselves or whatever there's some truth in that yes yeah he has that mentality which i think is a little weird but other than that that still doesn't make him a bad guy.
Doesn't make you a bad guy. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you didn't talk to members of your family. My brother Steve, I will take care of for the rest of my life.
When it comes to my blood, I've been sending my parents a lot of money for the last 20 years. Every chunk, piece of money that I make goes to my family.
Right. And I will take care of my family.
I take care of my own. That's my.
I understand. Yeah.
I'm also saying I don't know. I don't know the content of Kobe's character based on anything other than what I've seen in the media.
It doesn't it doesn't mean I'm saying the joke was justified. I just don't.
I don't know. I don't care.
I didn't care. I don't care about Kobe enough to understand if that's relevant or not.

My point is Ari has a hidden rage because he beat the shit out of me.

You know that.

Well, yeah.

I mean, a lot of people know that, but it's something that, well, you want to tell the

story?

No, I don't want to tell the story.

I'm just, I don't like your, oh yeah.

Well, it's a common thing.

People know that Ari.

Yeah.

But you almost, it made me seem like a lot of people want to beat me up or something.

I wouldn't like your, oh, yeah. Well, it's a common thing.
People know that Ari. Yeah, but you almost made me seem like a lot of people want to beat me up or something.
I wouldn't say a lot of people, but I say there's a few people that definitely want to hit you in the fucking face. Really? You know who I'm talking about.
And that's exactly why I want to even bring that up. So tell me who wants to punch me in the face.
You want me to say it in the mic? Yeah, I want you to say it. Well, you can cut it out.
We're not going to cut it out. Go ahead.
You know who. No, tell me.
I don't know. I don't want to do this.
I'm not going to say who wants to beat you in that. No, just do it.
We'll cut it out. Just do it.
I want to know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Say his name. Kevin Shea.
Kevin Shea hates your fucking guts. You think that he hates my guts? No, I know he hates your guts.
We've done this before. I'm just saying.
I think that he is one of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life. Sure, I know.
We've done this before. My point is there are people that want to hit you in the fucking face.
Okay? Yeah, for no reason. Sure.
It happens all the time. Yeah.
Okay? And I know people that want to punch you in the face. Fucking.

Let's go back.

And I can name names too.

Yeah.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

You want to call them out?

Do it.

No, I don't want to.

Go ahead.

Move on.

No, you fucking move on.

So look.

Have you said anything to Ari?

No.

I wanted to.

You don't plan on it, do you?

No.

Did you text anybody about it?

Oh, yeah.

Who'd you text?

You know what? Have you said anything to Ari? No. I wanted to.
You don't plan on it, do you? No. Did you text anybody about it? Oh, yeah.
Who'd you text? You didn't text me. We called.
We talked to each other. Yeah, we did talk on the phone.
Yeah, I called you. We talked on the phone.
It was. Look.
I talked to Kevin Christie about it. I talked to.
Who did he say? Well, you know, it's sensitive because I do love Ari. So do I.
Yeah. It doesn't change the fact that we're talking about what happened.
Yeah. So there is, you know, I do love him.
But, you know, it's like when my dad, my dad one time almost killed one of my cousins. On purpose? Yeah.
Holy shit. Why? Because my cousin didn't say hello to him oh that makes sense my dad he my cousin was 12 though and my dad took his head and did moe cut tie knees to his face like 20 times dope and then when my cousin we call him dong hyung dong hyung yeah which isung means shit brother? Yeah, yeah.
So shit brother, his head flew back and I remember his face just being split open and just blood gushing out and I just remember... What color is you guys' blood? Yellow.
Go. You remember his face split open? It's like alien blood.
It burns. It burns, yeah.
What happened? His face split open and what? I remember the ambulance coming this and that, and I remember looking at my dad. And so it's like, I do love my dad, but when he acts like that, when he used to act like that, it's like, what do you do? Well, what do you do? What do you do? There's nothing I do.
Nothing. So are you just going to let this thing pass and let it die out? Yeah, I will never bring it up.

Never, right.

Yeah, we won't. Would you?

Like if you saw it, you wouldn't bring it up.

No, no.

It's just because I don't know.

Why do I care?

I don't care.

Yeah, I don't care.

I don't care.

I treat that like you treat my wife's car.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't.

Everyone would treat your wife's car the way I treated your wife's car.

People don't just hit other people's cars.

Nobody does that.

But that's the problem with the United States, I think.

That's the problem with the United States?

Yeah, that's the problem with the United States.

I'll be you why, okay? I mean, how stereotypical to be a bad Asian driver? It's almost like such a hacky joke. It's so hacky.
It has nothing to do with being a bad Asian driver. But you are a bad Asian driver.
But the reason why is because I have Asian mentality. Which is what? I don't give a fuck.
No, no, it's not what it is, dude. You don't fucking get it, dude.
What is it? I'm going to explain it to you, fucking fucker. Mm-hmm.

All right?

Is that – have you ever been to Bangkok or Asia or – Yuck.

Right?

Not Japan.

I've been to Japan.

But not in Japan because it's more like United States.

It's good, yeah.

I've been to a good one.

It's one of the good ones.

Go ahead.

But it's like in Bangkok, for instance, right?

You get a fender bender, right? They'll stick their heads Out of the car See if There's no smoke And if there's no smoke They go Okay Move on Have a good day Beep beep Okay go ahead Go ahead There's no like Getting to the side of the road It's a dent Who gives a fuck But in the United States Right You get a little Like I oneed a porsche why just because it's just a shell that's so fucking up the engine that's so fucked up no but to me i have asian mentality so i keyed it and then i heard the guy and they never knew it was me but he put flyers around who keyed my car right and all that stuff and i giggle you know what i mean you know i mean but it's like i don't give a fuck you don't care the car moves I know but that's someone's property look at my car look at my Prius it's someone's property I bang it against shit I don't give a fuck but that's because you don't care other people don't care I don't think anyone should care I'm gonna come to your house and throw a rock to your window do you care yeah that's different why house still works the car's no it doesn't because the house is supposed to protect you from the elements.

So is it?

When there's a window – when there's a crack in the window, it doesn't protect you.

Okay.

What if a tsunami goes through that little fucking crowd?

I'm going to throw poop on your – I'm going to throw poop at your house for the next couple of days straight, and there's going to be poop everywhere.

That's fine.

Do that.

Okay.

Yeah.

And I'm going to throw poop on your property.

Oh, okay.

That's the reaction.

You're going to – okay, so when you hit someone, they should be allowed to just hit you back.

Yeah. What do you mean? My car, you mean? I'm going to hit your...
Next week, I'm going to hit your car with my wife's car again. And I'm going to hit your wife's car again.
It'll be fun. Because you're going to care.
I'm not going to care. You know what's going to happen? You know what I want to do? I'm dead serious.
Hold on, what? Whatever money we make from the first month of the show, I want to buy two cars, and I want to get in it and hit each other with it as hard as we can. That's fine.
On the street fast.

That's fine.

And George is going to be, and George will be in the middle of the cars.

Yeah.

But do you understand my mentality when it comes to your car?

I get it.

I think it's fucked up, but I totally get it.

It's not fucked up.

It's, it's honestly the truth.

No, it's your, it's your version of what's okay.

It doesn't mean it's everyone's version of what's okay.

Yeah, but whatever their version is.

When you, have you ever stolen from a grocery store?

Have you ever taken a food item?

No, I don't.

Cause that's wrong.

Why is that wrong? Because it's somebody's property. Exactly, Robert.
Right. It's somebody else's property.
Right. You damaged my property.
It's wrong. Yeah, but it's not like the store is moving around, right, trying to get around other stores.
Yeah, it's a metaphor. It's a fucking metaphor.
The store isn't on wheels. It's not moving through the streets, dude.
Vons isn't on roller skates. It's a fucking stable place that someone's property that if I took from, you'd say it's wrong.
Let me make an adjustment then. Please.
May I make an adjustment? I already said please. Okay.
Accidentally, I didn't purposely hit your wife's car. It seemed like it.
It was.

No, you fucker.

I fucking know it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's move on.

Let's move on.

All right, look.

So I tweeted about, we're going to take a phone call because I really want to do this because I want to see what people say.

I said to people, we're going to take a phone call.

We want to pick at random.

I'm going to pick three names.

But what are we talking them about?

That's going to be the best part.

We're going to grill them.

We're going to grill them about life. I'm going to pick three pick three names you're gonna tell me which one you like the most steve bliss yuck um uh isaac beak okay uh chloe casey let's do that Is that a girl? Chloe Casey? That's a girl.
Okay, we'll do Chloe Casey. All right, we're going to call Chloe Casey.
We're going to see what she... FaceTime or...
Maybe it's he have to say. No, we're going to call right now.
Oh, if Chloe's a guy? Oh, that's going to be fun. All right, we're ready.
We're calling right now. Okay.
We're set up, George. Yep, I think so.
You better be. Here we go.
You should be able to hear this in your headphones any minute now.

Oh, you hear it?

You good?

Yo, what's up?

Shh.

Come on.

This is insane.

Like.

Hello?

Hello? Hello. Hello.
You fucked up. You fucked up.
Chloe. Chloe.
Wait. No.
No way. What do you mean no way? Chloe, get your shit together.
Get your shit together. Get your fucking bullshit shit together.
Why did it say Oklahomaoma because that's where we live because we live in oklahoma chloe get your fucking shit together we live in tulsi you know what you get your shit together okay i thought this was a sales call hey hey chloe but no it's my two chloe chloe what yeah don't ever talk to us that way don't ever talk to me that's insane Don't ever talk to me like that. That's insane.
Don't ever do that again. That felt weird.
Chloe, where are you right now? Where are you? I am in College Station, Texas. Ooh, Sean, have you ever been to College Station? Have you ever gone down there for shows? Is that a place? There's a college there.
Do you know what college is there? No. What city is it, though? It's called College Stations? That's the city.

Oh.

Is it near Houston or the big ones?

It's not the worst city.

It's not the worst city.

Are you a student, Chloe?

Yes.

I go to A&M.

Yeah, she goes to Texas A&M. Oh, A&M.

I've heard of that.

They're big to the orange, right?

They're orange.

The football team has an orange.

I guess everything is brown.

Everything's kind of like brown and orange.

It's red, really. Oh, really? It's maroon.
Maroon really it's maroon maroon that's what i meant that's what i meant yeah

bobby's colorblind uh what's your major psychology wow all right teach us something

give us something give us a psychological review of our friendship go ahead yeah go ahead

um honestly i could not do that because i don't go to classes very often oh yeah all right well chloe but chloe chloe let me ask you are you in a relationship chloe no bobby i'm not why because I have a lot to work out on the inside.

Oh, that's why you're a psychology major.

No, I'm totally down, for one.

You're damaged?

Are you damaged?

Chloe, are you damaged?

Sounds like it.

Yes.

I just got half hard.

Wait, Chloe.

That just made my whole day.

Chloe, is it because you have...

Do you have daddy issues?

Yes.

What did they... Wait, Chloe.
That just made my whole day. Chloe, is it because you have...
Do you have daddy issues?

Yes.

What happened?

Speed it up a little bit. My dad, not to be all dark and shit, sorry.

My dad passed away about two years ago.

Oh, shit.

And so it didn't really work out that whole situation when he passed away. So, yeah.
Okay. But I'm open for love and I'm not gonna let that define me, you know? Well, you know what, Chloe? You shouldn't.
And we love you. We wanna let you know Bobby and I both love you very much and you're gonna get through it because Bobby also went through something like that recently.
Yeah, my dad died in August. Yeah, his dad died.
She knows. She's a fan.
She knows your dad. Everyone knows your fucking dad's dead.
Might as well wear a shirt. Yeah, I follow all you guys.
Okay, Chloe, let me tell you something. We love you.
You are going to find love. I want to say this to everybody out there.
Her name is Chloe Casey. She's in College Station, Texas.
Her phone number, of course, as we always do on this show, is 4188. Love you so much, Chloe.
Kissy, kissy. Bye-bye.
She was great. Is that her number, really? Mm-hmm.
You can't do that. Yes, I can.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
You're going to cut that out, right? Greatest country in the world. I can do whatever I fucking want.
This isn't Korea, dude. I can do whatever I want here.
Yeah, I've never... Anyway, imagine her, though.
Imagine. That's the saddest thing in the world.

She really fucked me up.

Imagine if she was hooking with a dude and he died too.

Then at that point –

Bob.

But at that point, it would just be like –

Yeah.

Yeah, cat lady.

Yeah.

You want to do one more?

Let's do another one.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to give you –

We're just trying to find a point though to it.

We do have a point.

What is a point? We're trying to find out who they are and what they're doing and why they love us. Yeah.
All right, I'm going to give you three. Let's try to find a point, though, to it.
We do have a point. What is the point?

We're trying to find out who they are and what they're doing and why they love us.

Yeah.

I need to see their faces, though.

We're going to have to FaceTime.

Yeah.

What does Chloe's face look like?

We're going to have to FaceTime next time because we're going to have to find a way to do it so we don't have our fucking number.

Can we do that?

There's got to be a way.

There's got to be a way, yeah.

All right, how about Elton Roberts?

No.

Or A.J. Hines?

Kelsey Harrington?

Because Theo Vaughn has a screen. They're very technologically no we're working on that right now Yeah but they have a technology when I say we're working on it I mean I'm fucking working on it with George Yeah you've been fingering your little fucking butthole Your little dumpling a butthole How about Marco Pendejo yeah let's do that I love Mexicans yeah Marco Penedo Penedo look it out look at this guy though look at this guy look at hey marco i'm gonna call out marco marco i said hey email us your number he just wrote call me i don't have your fucking number you dumb shit oh come on dude what are you doing you dork so he's not he's out no he's out i don't have his fucking number let's call somebody here we go here's one here's one gustavo robles i love it we love it dude we love have his fucking number.
Let's call somebody. Here we go.
Here's one. Here's one.
Gustavo Robles. I love it.
We love it, dude. We love these kind of guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do that.
What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go. We're calling him right now.
This is Gustavo Robles. Gustavo Robles.
Where do you think he's from? Soar Brown. South.
South? Deep South. Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message.
Fuck you. Let's leave a message.
9-5-1-4-5. Oh, no.
We can't put his number on the phone. That was going to say his number out loud.
We could peep it out. We don't need to.
We don't need to. He doesn't deserve to get a message from us.
He didn't answer his phone. I said be ready.
How about we do this? How about we do someone... You want to do another girl? You like girls, don't you? I like girls, yeah.
Either Dawson Bailey or Jessica K. Let's go Jessica K.
You like that, huh? Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Oh, oh, oh, look at this. What, he's calling back? No, no.
She goes, my number. Um, I'm kind of interesting.
I do porn and I love comedy. You should call me.
I'm a huge fan. All right.
I'll call Jessica K. Let's do the Mexican thing though still.
Oh, just for Jessica K. For no reason.
Jessica K. Jessica K.
Okay, here we go. This is Jessica K.
She says she does porn and she's a fan of us both And she wants Okay My fear is People don't want to answer Unknown numbers Yeah the Oklahoma's weird Doesn't really Why would it matter Do you really think These people think I was going to call them From our real fucking number Maybe it's restricted No Like. Like a restricted...
Hello?

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K

Jessica K Jessica K Jessica K Jessica K Jessica K Jessica, who is this? Hello. Hello.

Who is this?

This is Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee, obviously.

That's right.

Jessica, where do you live?

I live in Oregon.

Ooh, fancy.

That's nice up there.

Hippie stuff.

There is, yeah.

Is there a burning man up there too?

Yep, there is.

Yeah.

Well, it's called burning them.

No, there's no male or female.

Burning they.

Hey, Jessica, are you really a porn star? I am, yes. I mean, I'm not like big time or anything.
I'm mostly a cam model, but yeah, I do it full time. Jessica K, cam model.
That's my job. That's your full time gig? Yes.
Wow, awesome. How do they find you? How do they find your videos? I don't know how they work because I'm a Christian.
Well, my Twitter is just at Jessica KBDSM but I'm pretty shadow banned on there because they hate sex workers. Other ways to find me is like my mini-viz or my OnlyFans which is just really easy to find.
Jessica, we're looking at your vagina. Your vagina is very pretty.
Yeah, we're looking at your vagina right now. It's like a flower.
That's cool. Oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah. I try really hard to keep it, you know, like nice and everything in the public.
You shave as well, it looks like. What's inside of there, Jess? Yeah, that's cum.
I do. You let people cum inside you? Um, not generally, no.

Oh, okay.

Maybe that's just pussy vagina juice.

Okay, we're getting a little gross.

And then I do a lot of like, I do a lot of like lesbian stuff as well because I like girls more than guys in general.

Right on, right on.

So yeah.

It feels weird looking at your butt plug in your butthole and talking on the phone so cordially. This is kind of a very wonderful thing.
But, Jessica, I do know that... Oh, my gosh.
No, it's great. It looks awesome.
Wait. Sorry.
Can I tell you a quick story? Hey, go ahead. Yeah.
You might want to hear it. Well, about how my brother found out that I did porn.
Oh, yeah. Give it to us.
Because I have two siblings, and they're older. They're much older.
I'm, like, the like the youngest I'm the baby That's why I'm still fucked up You know And so I Had been doing porn For like two years I've made it since I was 19 And I'm 23 now And my brother was on Tumblr Because he You know I don't know He's a normal person Was going on Tumblr Was scrolling through And he literally saw A picture of me Fing my own ass and then realized it was me i don't like dropped his phone yeah and then he had to like have that conversation with me like i know that you do that wow what was that at thanksgiving when did he ask you when did he tell you it was at a holiday it was really just a normal wednesday i don't know we're pretty close my family so i got a little bit closer then how do i avoid that i'm not a doctor but the rectal muscle the rectal muscle is there for a reason though i wouldn't use your fist well i know that dr drew says only be okay so i'm i've gone way past that you know it's it's part of my living, but I'm very careful, and I haven't prolapsed my anus. That's not my goal.
Okay. That's good.
I'm pretty careful about it. So do you have limitations? Yeah, you shouldn't prolapse because you do know that's really bad for your tushy.
If you do that, you know you won't poop right for the rest of your life. Well, it's horrible.
Yeah, it's actually very bad to prolapse. I do not advocate for prolapsing anus, that's right.
That's right. That being said, we, we are, we are very into people that do prolapse.
I like tails. Yeah.
Bobby loves a little tail pops. Yeah.
Jessica, this is pretty incredible. So let me ask you one more thing.
You, um, you, uh, you live in Oregon. Oregon is very sex positive, sex forward.
There's a lot of strip clubs up there, right? Yes. Do you strip as well? Uh-huh.
You do. What's the name of the club? I do not.
I have never done that. Oh.
No, I don't. I do not.
But you do stand-up as well? You do comedy? Is that what it says? She's a comedy fan. Oh, comedy fan.
I say, okay. It is pretty funny.
Oh, no, no. I'm very into comedy.
I'm very into comedy. So I know a lot of, like, pretty much all the comedians and everything.

Let's do a little game.

Let's do a rating. Oh, boy.

1 through 10, who you like, okay?

Theovan, 1 through 10.

Who do I like?

No, just give me a rating. An 8?

8 out of 10? It's out of 10, Jess.

Yeah. Okay, Brian Callen.

Yes.

What number? What number? 1 through 10.

6? Give Andrew. I love him.
Andrew's ten. Yeah, what about Bobby? Hello? What about me? What about Bobby? Bobby's ten.
Okay, we're tens. We're tens.
I think she... Okay, I accept it.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
Jess, we love you very much. We do appreciate you.
I do mean it. If anybody wants to see Jessica K's anus, you should have a lot of good butt shots on here.
Your booty is out there. Your Twitter is Jessica K BDSM.
Can I see her face though? Let me see her face. Yeah, she's got a very pretty face.
I want to see her face. I don't want to see her asshole.
I can't judge a person by their asshole. Oh, thank you.
She's very pretty. Very pretty.
Yeah, she has a very pretty face. So go ahead and go on Jessica K.'s Twitter.

And she's got great boobs.

Are those yours? Oh, my God.

Are those yours, Jess?

Is that a tattoo or a bra?

They're fake, but yeah.

They're fake.

They're fake, and that's a tattoo.

Jessica K., I hope you get a lot of new fans from this.

You got a super nice butt and a super good personality.

Thank you. We love you very much.
We love you guys. Thank you so much.
She was great. She was wonderful.
Let's rank her asshole. 1 through 10.
We can't show the fans. We're not going to show that.
That's smut. What do you think? Honestly? Yeah.
Can you see that, George, on the camera? You can't see that. Okay, good.
What do you think it is? Her asshole? Yeah. I think her vagina is an 8.
Very nice vagina. Yeah, yeah.
Her asshole is a four. See, buttholes are hard for me because I don't like buttholes.
Yeah, but I want it all there. I can't see the fucking muscle or nothing.
Because she's put a lot of stuff in there. Yeah.
I have an asshole story. Please, please.
But I can't say the name. So what? You can still say the asshole story.
You don't have to say the name. So I was at an AA meeting a long time ago, and I ran into a couple of British bodyguards.
British bodyguards? Yeah. They used to bodyguard old rock stars back in the 80s.
Are they twin brothers? What do you mean? They're just two dudes? Two English dudes that used to just be bodyguards for bands in England. Awesome.
You can't name the band? Can you not? I can't. Fuck.
No. I'll tell you off.
I know, but I know. They want to know.
So they took one dude to Thailand, right? Some big rock star. And he was fucking little boys there.
Oh, shit. I know.
That's why I can't say it. Yuck.
It's yucky. Yeah.
So he's fucking underage boys. But so, you know, there's a madame there.
And he went in and fucked a boy and the boy's asshole came out. Why is that funny? I'm not, it's not.
You laughed, right? No, no, I didn't mean to. And he said to the madame, I don't know if it's true, but he said, can I have another one? This one's broken.
Shit. And I want to see you broken it you can't break it and then claim that i want another one can i have another one this one this one's broken i'll tell you i'll tell you i want to know who it was yeah let's call one more person all right i think it's very fun can I have another one I wish you could share if you shared you think that's not okay to do to say who it was it's basically like I tried to google it and nothing came up and it's just like the Ari thing where it's like the Kobe thing it's like one incident I can't call't, you know what I mean? I know.
Call out a guy.

I know.

And ruin his legacy off of one story.

I know.

By the way, side note, did Ari lose something from that?

He lost something, right?

Did Netflix not going to do something with him?

Someone said that he dropped.

I know that Aqua left him, like dumped him.

He was his commercial agent.

I know that.

I heard his manager might have left him as well.

Really?

Yeah.

Huh.

But I don't know that for sure, though. Do you want to know? Here's one of your own.
Here's Albert Choi. He's a Korean? It says Bobby Lee's cousin.
Is it Andy or Albert? It says Albert Choi. I know an Andy Choi.
That's my cousin. But Albert, I don't have a cousin named Albert.
Liar. Albert Choi's a liar.
Call him it now. You want to call this liar? Yeah.
Okay. I don't know if you want to call a liar.
He's from Southern California. But please open it up with an Asian accent.
Of course. Because if you can do it in front of strangers, then I'm okay with it.
Yeah, what do you mean? All right, ready? We're calling Albert Choi. Who says he's your cousin? Obviously a lie.
But you do have an Andy Choi cousin? I have 28 first cousins. I might have an Albert.
See? Let's find out. I mean, you know, what if this is a long-lost connection that we're making today? Oh, that'd be great.
Because I won't give a fuck. I'll have no feelings about it.
These people are so afraid to answer. But I get it.
Your call has been forwarded to an audience. Too bad for you, bub.
Albert Cho, you're not going to get the phone call. We're going to do just one more of those.
If that doesn't go through, then too bad. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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Not available in all states. Kendall Kavanaugh.
That's what I got, Kendall. Kendall? That could be a boy or a girl.
What's your money on? It's a girl. Yeah.
You know why we're doing this? You know why we're calling women instead of men? Because men get all... It is enough with men.
It's enough. You've gotten enough your whole life.
We're sick of it. It's also because it's way more fun.
Kendall Cavanaugh. That girl was incredible, Jess.
That was one of those. Incredible.

This is Kendall Kavanaugh.

And I'm curious to know, but I'm going to look it up and not say anything.

These people are scared to answer that random phone.

There it is.

Kendall.

Kendall.

Kendall.

Kendall. Hello.

Hi.

Hi, Kendall.

Hi, Kendall.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Kendall.

Hi, Kendall.

Thank you. Kendall? Hi, Kendall.
Hi.

Hi, Kendall.

What are you doing?

This is Andrew and Bobby Lee.

No.

I'm Albert Choi.

And I'm Andy Choi.

We're the Choi brothers.

Hi, guys.

I'm a big fan.

We're big fans of you, Kendall.

What are you doing right now?

Thank you. the Choi brothers.
Hi. Hi, guys.
I'm a big fan. We're big fans of you, Kendall.

What are you doing right now?

I'm waiting for my pork chops to be done.

Oh, my God. We're vegans.

We're vegans.

We don't eat stuff like that.

That's nasty.

Kendall, what do you do for a living, Kendall?

I am a controller for a concrete company. Whoa.
Kendall! Concrete's interesting. Yes, it is.
The whole planet. What's the coolest thing about concrete other than it dries? I mean, it holds shit up.
That's about it. It fucking holds shit up.
So do you, Kendall. We love you because you hold the world together.
You're a controller. What is it? I fucked up.
What was it? What was it called? You're an office. Are you in an office, Kendall? Yeah.
Exactly. I control everything.
Damn. You're kind of like the Wizard of Oz.
You're the Wizard of Concrete. And you know what?

You know what the Yellow Brick Road was made out of?

Brick.

Concrete.

Concrete.

Concrete.

Hey, Kendall, you have kids?

Yeah.

How many?

I do not.

Oh.

Why not?

Zero.

Why don't you have any?

I don't know, because I'm 27 and I'm not ready for that. Hell yeah.
Hell yeah. Are you single, Ken? Dull? I am not.
You can call me Ken on my phone too. Ken.
Okay, Ken. So you're not single.
And what does your husband or boyfriend do? He works at the concrete company. Of course.
Of course. Do you like to get out there and reach out? Yeah, you really want to break out of your comfort zone.
You really want to really drive yourself to a place where you're going to meet someone different. I got him the job.
Oh, he must be very happy. No money.
And I said, I can get you a job. You gave this guy pussy and a job? Yeah.
You're like the greatest woman on earth. He seems to think so.
He should because you're holding his life together without vagina and money. He's not in the office though, right? He's out there with the concrete? Or did you give him an office job? Oh, yeah.
He's heavy duty. Hell, yeah.
Get him out there sweating it out. Let me ask you something.
When he's out there, he's sweating. He's working hard all day.
You're in the office, ticky-tack typing away on your little computer with your air conditioning unit, comfy as fuck.

When he comes home at the end of the day from being all sweaty and disgusting and dirty,

do you guys go right to fucking, or do you make him clean up,

or do you like the smell of that concrete still on his body?

Well, we shower together every day.

Yeah, but do you ever suck a sweaty dick?

Do you ever eat his sweaty balls? Have you ever tasted his nuts after he has a long day yeah yeah that's awesome truffle oil what our concrete motto is great start fantastic finish is that really it really is that's cool catchy well let. It really is.
I've got the t-shirts to prove it. What's the name of the company? Marby Olson.
Marby Olson. Great start.
Fantastic finish. One last question.
Where do you live, Kendall? Petaluma, California. California.
Petaluma. Yeah.
Petaluma. Can I tell you how great that is? Has your boyfriend ever shot a nut and said fantastic finish? Next time you guys fuck, will you say, He hasn't.
No, next time you guys fuck, will you say great start? And as soon as he comes, I want him to come all over and go fantastic finish. Will you do that for us, please? Yeah, I'll do it tonight.
Yay. Kendall, thank you so much.
I want you to say one thing for me. I you to say I'm Kendall Cavanaugh I love it when my boyfriend's sweaty concrete nuts are on my chin will you say that? alright I'm Kendall Cavanaugh and I love what taking a shot for my boyfriend's sweaty nuts hey you're one of our bad friends I love you Kendall thank you so much I love taking a shot for my boyfriend's sweaty nuts.
Thank you. Hey, you're one of our bad friends.
I love you, Kendall. Thank you so much.
I love you guys too. Bye.
She's great. She's fantastic.
Kendall Cavanaugh. What a great, that's a cool name.
And also, you know, boyfriend concrete business. Yeah, I'm not good at that.
What do you mean? You just did a great job. No, but I, you know, the whole thing, I just don't know.
I don't know. I'm not good at it.
I think you did a great job. I know.
I'm just telling you right now, man. Ask George.
I start sweating. No, fuck you, man.
I start sweating. I don't know why.
Why? Because these people don't. These people want to talk to you.
I don't know, but look at my face, though. Yeah, they want to say hi.
Is that what it is? Yeah, they want to say hello and have a normal conversation with you. I do that after a show.
Yeah. I get really sweaty when I talk to people.
You do meet and greets? Yeah. What do you do? You make people line up and you do photos and shit? Yeah, I mean, I was in Nebraska and I had never played that place before.
Lincoln? Omaha. Yeah.
And I did a meet and greet. And, you know, people have tattoos on their faces, but it's fine.
And I take photos and I don't sell anything. I just like to meet people people you just like to say hello and take a photo sometimes i don't but you know when i feel like i haven't been there before i like to meet them is it is it predicated upon whether or not you had a good set if you have a bad set will you still not i refuse i fucking refuse if i have a bad set i i even say it out loud no i'll even say it on stage i'm not i was gonna you know i was gonna go hi, but you guys are terrible.
Wait, why? It's not like it's their fucking fault that you did bad. It is their fault.
Why? Do you really believe that, that sometimes it's the audience's fault? No, because it's like when you watch Taxi Driver. Oh, when I'm just watching Taxi Driver randomly? Some people will watch Taxi Driver and go, that movie sucks.
Right? But it's still a good movie. Do a lot of people think it sucks? There are people that, yeah, I can't watch it.
You don't like it? No, I love it, but people will say, I can't watch it. Oh, I think it's a great movie.
Let's think of another movie. What's a movie that sucks? Rise of the Skywalker.
Okay. Do you see it? No.
Do you know what it is? I have social reference. I understand what it is.
I don't like it. I don't like shit like that.
Right, but a lot of people go, it's a great movie. What a great franchise.
It's not. It's not.
It's just not. It's not.
You know what I mean? So there's nothing you can say. It's just not.
So that's one of those kind of things. Yeah, it's not.
It's not. But I mean, what's...
Yeah, but I don't like any of that shit. You're right.
Maybe my rhythm would be wrong sometimes, and maybe it's not their fault.

It's not their fault.

But your energy is always so good up top, your expectations are through the roof.

Yeah, it's so funny.

Last night, have you ever done this?

I did, so I'm trying to come up with new shit.

You're writing new jokes?

Yeah.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

Are you, really?

Yeah, so I went to Santa Monica to do Neil Brennan's show.

Such a good show.

Right, so I have my new shit.

Yeah.

But the place is packed.

I mean, it's not-

Thank you. Really? Yeah, so I went to Santa Monica to do Neil Brennan's show.
Such a good show. Right.
So I have my new shit.

Yeah.

But the place is packed.

I mean, it's not- It's packed every time he does that.

Yeah, yeah.

It's sold out.

It's sold out, right?

Yeah, because Seinfeld went one time.

People being turned away.

Yeah.

And I'm up there, and I try a couple of jokes that I know that work.

Yeah.

They didn't.

But they're new jokes? No. Some tried and true shit.
Because the thing is, is that. Do you know why? I know why.
Because you should have done new shit. They can tell when it's not new.
That's not what it is. No? I'll tell you what it was.
Okay. Is I went in with Bobby Lee Club Energy.
And you have to be more inward. Yeah, that's right.
You have to be. So I came up like, what's that? You know what I mean? I did that, and I realized, oh, fuck, I'm eating it, right? So then I went inward, and I just started talking, and then as soon as I started going into the new stuff, places where I thought were going to get laughs weren't, and then I would just segue right into an old joke.
Because you got nervous. I got nervous, and then I went, Bob, you got to try this other thing.
And I would try it. And then when I drove home, I had tears.
Bob. Of just like, you fucking idiot.
Why'd you go over there? Why? New shit is new shit. It's not supposed to work.
Those shows aren't supposed to be for like. No, it's not the fact that I, it's the fact that I bailed on them.
Yeah. I didn't finish them.
Oh, you're mad at your delivery. Yeah, I'm mad that I wasn't brave enough to finish the fucking thing that you went over there to fucking do.
Well, then you're going to go back and do it again. Well, now I'm just like, fuck it.
I'm just going to do it at the store. No, you have to go back.
I am going to go back over there, but tonight I have a show at the store okay i'm just gonna fucking do it yeah you have to yeah i don't give a fuck can you tell me i know you i don't want to i don't want you to have to share a joke but will you tell me a one of the premises of one of the new jokes that you know works like you said none of them work i don't give me one of the premises of the new joke well there's just they're not there's a story it's a story what because you know Collider's been calling me pussy all the time Yeah you are a pussy Go ahead The reason why she called me a pussy Is because a month ago We heard a noise in our house In the backyard And she goes You check out there And I go No you Right?

Yeah

And then she goes

You're a pussy, right?

Yeah

So then

This actually happened

I was at a

Check cashing place

Why are you at a check cashing

Like a fucking

Check advance place?

No, I

Go to a check cashing place

For money

You don't go to a bank?

I have a bank too

Why do you go to a check cashing place?

Shadow money

What are you doing, dude? I have shadow money So what do you do? You go to a check cashing place and you cash it? Right. How much do they charge you to do that? I don't care.
Can I tell you? Do you know you can go to your bank and have them cash it and just get the cash? I don't want to even do that. I do the cash checking place.
You know you can just go to your bank? I want to go to cash checking. Okay, okay.
So I was at the cash checking place. Cat checking place? And there was a Mexican lady in front of me and she was wearing a dress.
Okay. And some Mexican guy next to her was, hey baby, nice dress.
Oh. And she didn't say anything.
So then she starts going aggro. Right? He's like, I said nice fucking dress, bitch! Yeah, yeah, he goes, hey, nice dress, bitch! She didn't say nothing.
I told you fucking stuck up, bitch. And she started going aggro.
And I was like, because of all this pussy shit. Yeah.
I'm like, I got a man up. You do.
I have to fucking fight for defenseless people. So I look at him.
How do you know she was defenseless, by the way? Because you can tell she was scared. She was scared.
Yeah. Okay.
So I look at the guy like stop fucking doing this and he looks at me then and he goes what are you looking at bro and i go pretty good so i'm gonna tell that story yeah that's a good yeah yeah yeah pretty good i said pretty good and then i just kind of clammed up and i just looked on the ground do you ever say i don English? Have you ever done that? Has someone ever gotten aggro with you and you've been like, no English? No, but I do do a character. Like I have some sort of like social anxiety.
Yeah. I'll go, I don't know.
Like I'll do that. Yeah.
But I won't do, you know. You won't do no English to him.
Yeah. when people say shit, like, you know, like I'll have people say random, like, racist shit.
Really? Yeah. Like being serious? No, they do it to try to start a conversation.
Give me an example. Like, I'll be at an airport.
This actually happened. I was sitting there waiting for a big board.
And this, like, Texan kind of older man sat next to me. Like, hey, what's going on? Gookalook.
And he just kept looking at me. And maybe he recognized me.
I don't know. But he wanted to start a conversation.
Right. You look like someone people want to talk to.
I don't know. You do.
But so he, instead of saying, hey man, I'm a big fan of your work or hey, where you going? You going, you know, wherever. Right.
He just just said my daughter loves Hello Kitty that's how we fucking opened it yeah but that's a bond experience so then I go I didn't invent it maybe he thinks you might have you kind of look like the creator of Hello Kitty yeah but my point is that people will do all kinds of stuff. Was he trying to be funny or trying to be friends? No, he was just trying to like – he didn't smile.
He was just like – Hey, man, my daughter loves what you guys do. Hello Kitty.
And I understand it's not racist. He's trying to just start a conversation.
No, it's racist. You think so? Yeah.
What the fuck are you talking about? How is that not racist? It's the same thing as when people go Were you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt? No Well then it's fucking racist Or it's like when people start like I'll get You don't know that we have to go through this But people always go You Korean? Sometimes I go yeah Yeah they guess Yeah my best friend Toby Joe Was Korean in high school Right And that's that's the same thing. It's like, what the fuck? I don't know Toby.
Yeah. Who cares? Bitch.
But I do that all the time. To ethnic people? I go up to Asians and I go, hey, you Japanese? And they go, no, I'm Korean.
I go, I know. My best friend's Bobby Lee.
He's Korean. Do you get that? White people don't go through that, huh? No.
Most whites don't go through. But like I get the redheaded joke thing that's so annoying and hacky.
Right. I do too much.
Do I do too much? No, you're my friend. You can do it as much as you want.
It's just like me doing the Asian voice to you as hacky, but it's funny because we do it together to each other. Right.
But people in public think it's funny. George probably gets made fun of for looking just how he fucking looks.

Yeah.

But like I have the red hair.

Because if you're going to be white, don't be like that.

Don't be a black white.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You like chose the wrong.

I looked up in the dictionary and George's face was there.

No, no.

Most whites.

Right.

They don't deal with anything like that.

Yeah.

Typically.

Yes.

But sometimes people fucking do this hacky. Does, does the curtain match the drapes? Oh, and what do you do? How do you respond? I can't imagine you responding in a delightful way.
A lot of times, honestly, do it to me right now. Literally, this happened to me.
This happened to me. I'm not kidding.
Hey, man. At a bar.
So I'm at a bar. Go ahead.
Hey, man. Hey.
Does the curtain match the drapes? swear to god I don't say anything I stare and make them uncomfortable and then they go I just fucking around and they don't know what to do yeah also that you know like I'll get someone will say like like a girl like a drunk girl right there was a drunk girl in Vegas and she was like spilling at the at the table I remember I turned to her and I go, lady, come on, man, get it together. Like she's spilling on the fucking, and the pit boss had to go, ma'am, please move.
They think she's with fucking me. So now I'm like, no, she just blacked out.
She's spilling on the table. And I go, lady, come on, hey, come on.
You're fucking bumping into people. Like I'm trying to be nice to her when i say it she goes shut the fuck up fire crotch oh what'd you do i beat the shit out of no no what'd you do no i beat the shit out of her i choked her and i fuck i beat the shit now yeah nothing i i didn't i didn't respond at all what am i gonna say but you think about it like when you leave when i was a kid i used to get defensive and fist fight people because that's how that happened.

But as an adult, I don't have any patience because I know she's a fucking moron.

I know she's a fucking moron.

Right, right.

So it's not even worth my time. I get submissive.

That's why Kalilah's saying don't be a pussy because she's training you to not let someone step on you.

Right.

I was in a Chinese restaurant.

I'm not fucking kidding you. And I'm going to the bathroom.
Yeah. And some guy just goes, where's the soy sauce? Shut up.
Or some sauce. Yeah.
Hey, where's soy sauce? I work there. Yeah.
And you know what I did? I got it. I got him it.
I went and got it. I put it on his table.
Yeah, well, you know. He was like, thank you.
You did know where it was, to be fair.

But I do that.

But here's the one I regret. Yeah.
Is I was in Nashville. Love Nashville.
I love it, too. And I was at a barbecue place with my friend Marissa, who she had nobody.
Tomei. Marissa Tomei, the actress.
No, no. But she's this cute white girl.
She's a friend, you know, grabbing dinner. Yeah.
And some, probably six foot eight, probably a 70 year old man wearing a leather. Six foot eight, 70 year old? Yeah, just this gigantic man.
He was with his family. And he comes up beside me and he puts his hands around me.
Well, I'm talking to my friend. The son, pull up your pants.
And you know what I did? To you? Yeah. I went, sorry.
I'm so sorry. I did that like a fucking bitch.
Like a child. Yeah, I should have went, hey, dude, don't fucking touch me, bro.
Yeah, do not fucking touch me. Don't fucking touch me.
And also, you should have taken your pants off. You should have Bobby Lee the shit out of it.
You should have doubled down. But I'm no longer, I'm not going to do that anymore.
Why? No, I'm no longer going to be submissive. Right.
I'm not going to know, because I think about it way too fucking much. Like it kind of, I like lay in bed sometimes and I'll think about that one incident.
Yeah, because you need to stand up for yourself. That's what it is.
Okay, here, let's play a scenario, right? Yeah. You're out.
You're with, not Kalilah, because because that's too good it's got to be somebody who's uh somebody who works for you like like gilbert okay i'm with gilbert okay you're out with gilbert yeah right gilbert's kind of he's a very nice guy he's a little quiet but he's he also is very like he commands right you guys are at like cafe 101 okay ready and then you're sitting there with gilbert just you know be talking to g to Gilbert about something. God, your face is so flat today.
That's something I would say. I know, I know.
Keep going. Yeah, yeah.
He's like, what do you mean? I know. It's just like, you did a 100-yard dash in a 90-yard gym.
He's like, yeah, but like I hit a wall that fast. Yeah.
Hey. Yo, what's up? You Bobby Lee? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't like your comedy at all. Okay to hear man Okay well you're also in my fucking booth I sit there So get out of my fucking booth No Get out of my fucking booth Okay Let's go Gilbert I said no once But you did say no once The first time But the second time Well after that You don't want to fight this guy for a booth Why did you do it that way you fucking asshole You got so aggressive right up That would never happen All once.
The first time. But the second time.
Well, after that, you don't want to fight this guy for a boost. Why did you do it that way, you fucking asshole?

You got so aggressive right up.

That would never happen.

All right, let's do a one. That would never be real about it.

I'll be very real.

Ready?

Okay.

I'm with Gilbert again.

Unfortunately, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's the situation.

You pulled into a gas station.

Yeah, yeah.

And we're both kind of waiting for a pump.

You kind of snuck in there before me, but technically it's yours.

Okay? But you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Okay, ready? You get out of your car. Well, say something.
Go ahead with Gilbert. All right.
So Gilbert, did you used to drive a steamroller and you fell off and your head got that way? No, man. All right.
I'm going to pump gas. Hey, bro.
Yeah, man. I was here too.
I was waiting for this for this spot. You like literally just swooped in front of me and took over the pump.
Actually, I was my car was a little ahead of yours. And I you know that I was in front of you.
So you weren't in front of me. And I think what you're doing is fucking rude.
All right, dude. How much is gas for you? My car? My car to fill up my car? Yeah.
It's about two hundred and eighty five dollars. Here you go.
You're just going to give me your money? Yeah. Shut the fuck up.
Really? Shut your fucking poor face up. My guess is $800.
I wouldn't. Is that $280? Yeah, well, you already paid, you fucking dumb idiot.
I wouldn't do that. Bruce, rewind a little bit.
Ready? Yeah, go ahead. Hey, man.
No, seriously. You did cut me off.
i want you to apologize to me for that i'm sorry all right do it again do it again do it again do it okay ready yeah yeah yeah hold on hey man you you stole my you stole my pump i was here first relax dude i was ahead of you and i'm my i'm like And the nozzle's already in my car. I'm pumping already.
Okay, well, I want you to take out the nozzle. Cancel your credit card.
I'm not doing that, dude. I was here, dude.
I don't give a fuck. Call the cops.
I don't give a fuck. You know what? What? I want to call the cops.
Call them. You're not going to say sorry for cutting me off? I will not say sorry.
To the end of my life, I won't. What's your name? Dominic.

Dominic what?

Cruz.

The actor?

No, the MMA fighter.

The MMA fighter?

Dominic Cruz?

Yeah.

That's you?

Yeah.

You're the shit, dude. Thank you.

Who's that ugly flat-faced kid in the car?

It's a tiki statue I got from Hawaii.

Let me see how you would handle it.

That did great.

You did great.

Let me see how you would handle it.

Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

Hey, dude, that's my fucking pump, bro.

Fuck off.

See, that's good.

Yeah.

Done.

Because you have a physique, though.

Fuck off.

Yeah, but do you have –

Let me handle it how I really would.

Let's do it for real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here you go.

I'm pumping.

Okay, but I'm telling you who it is.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm LeBron James. Okay.
I got to get there in my head. Okay, yeah, I'm there.
Ready? Yeah. Okay.
Yo, man. Yo, man.
Yo. I was ahead of you, dude.
It's like, remove that nozzle. I'm going to park where that is, and you're going to back up because that's my slot.
Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player of all time. Yo, dude.

That's really good.

That would shut him up.

Yeah, he would laugh.

He'd probably laugh.

Yeah, yeah. If you made a joke, he would laugh.

Wow.

Or punch me.

Either way, I'm getting fucking paid.

Yeah.

Knock me out, LeBron.

Knock me the fuck.

That's the best part.

You do it, but you're Kevin Bacon.

I'm Kevin Bacon.

Yeah, you're Kevin Bacon.

Okay, ready?

Let me try.

Yeah, yeah. Why're Kevin Bacon.
Okay, ready? Let me try. Yeah, yeah.

Why am I doing this?

That is a Bacon-y thing to do.

Well, because it's very Footloose-y.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was in Footloose, right?

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

You're at the pump.

I'm Kevin Bacon.

Hey, man.

You took my spot.

I was at that pump before you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah, I wish that you had died and not Bill Paxton. I am dead.
Oh, fuck. Bill Paxton's alive.
Bill Paxton died. Did he? Holy shit.
This is bad. How do we not know this? I know this.
Is Kevin Bacon dead? Kevin Bacon's alive. No, he died.
No, Kevin Bacon's alive. But by the way...
Bill Paxton. Yeah, Socy Bacon.
Bill Paxton's alive. Died.
Yeah, Socy Bacon, which is a tiger belly, been on our podcast. I love her and I love her dad.
That was just... Yeah, we're just kidding around.
A kidding scenario. We're allowed to joke around.
I love you and I want you to live forever. Why Bill Paxton? Why did he pass away? What did he die from? How did he not know that? He had an operation that went wrong, right? Oh my God.
Bill Paxton. This is crazy.
Yeah. Bill Paxton died.
I can't believe you don't know he died. He died in 2017 after running into a tiny little Asian man at a gas station and an argument ensued.
After the argument, Paxton drove away and died of a stroke. Dude, you fucking killed Bill Paxton.
Oh. Boo-boo.
It's crazy that he died. I mean, what a great.
He was so incredible. Yeah.
I'm really annoyed that I didn't know he was dead. I apologize.
That was my fucking fault. Did you not know he, I thought you were still doing a joke.
No, I wasn't doing a bit about that part. The Kevin Bacon part, I knew he was alive.
I was just joking around. Yeah, yeah.
But I didn't know that Bill Paxton passed away. People dying, I forget.
Don't you forget sometimes? No, name me somebody that's dead and I'll tell you if he is or not. If they – Okay.
I'll name a bunch of people that – Yeah. How about there's got to be a website called People You Didn't Know Were Dead.
That should be – Yeah, but they try to mix in people that are still alive and I can tell you. Okay.
Betty White. Alive.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. She is.
Val Kilmer. Alive.

Hold on.

What's the girl's name from Star Wars?

What's her name?

She's dead.

Yeah.

You're not good at this.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hold on.

This is a website. Yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go Brittany Murphy Dead Okay Let me name Don't look at the screen I'm gonna name you one Okay Tara Reid Dead? Alive She's alive, fuck She's so bad at this Okay, okay, okay How about How about How about Harold Ramis Dead. Let's see another one of these.
How about... Because I knew him.
Oh, you did? Yeah. Wow, he was fucking one of the greats.
How about Michael Clarke Duncan? Dead. Fuck.
Rowdy Roddy Piper? Dead. We knew him.
He was at the store. He's not there anymore.
You know what? I just realized this website is actors that are dead. You have to mix in people that you think.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
What is this? Oh, this is great. Okay.
Here's some lists. This is really good.
Angela Lansbury. Dead.
That's right. Yeahy Alive Nope Dead Drew Carey's not a dead He's alive Yes he is No he's not Willie Nelson Willie Nelson Is alive He's dead Is he really? He's dead Fuck He died Yeah yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Wait, is he alive? Yeah, he's alive.

Be honest.

Stop.

I'm doing it. All right.

Dick Cheney.

Alive.

He's dead.

Is Dick Cheney dead?

He's not.

He's alive.

He's alive.

I'm not playing this game.

Why?

It's fun.

All right. Carl Reineriner Carl Reiner died Yeah that's right David Attenborough Ooh dead He's dead Bobby Lee Dead If you were dead Yeah you would be the fucking worst ghost of all time.
You would be the shittiest ghost. Oh, it would be great.
Because you'd walk around going, digg digg digg digg digg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You're really good at knowing how many people are dead.
But it's funny because I don't think you would know celebrities. Okay, okay if you died yeah and you got to visit your funeral uh-huh right and if i didn't go because i know you won't go

if i didn't go because i had to do magnum pi or something fuck what would that raise you

are you fucking serious no that would put you in a rage i would haunt i would haunt you

kalilah i would haunt everyone you're associated with. Because I have to work, you fuck? Work? You call Magnum P.I.
work? I know what you do. You go out there and you drink coconuts.
You don't do shit. I know.
If you didn't show up to my fucking funeral and I saw it, I would be so fucking mad. Is there any excuse that you would have for me, though?

Yeah.

What?

Something with your family.

No.

If something bad happened to Steve or your mom, then I'd excuse it.

Okay, if I died, right?

Yeah.

And you, let's say, you got a Steven Spielberg movie.

Yeah.

And you have a scene with Julia Roberts and Tom Hardy. Okay.
Right? I don't only Julia Roberts in it. Just Tom Hardy.
I like Tom Hardy. You just have it's one day in New Zealand.
Right. It's an epic scene.
Right. And if you don't make it, you're not on the movie if you're not there.
Right. If you miss my fucking funeral, I'll be OK with that.
Here's the deal, though. Here's the best part.
I would go to the funeral and be able to get on a plane and fly to New Zealand because you go back in time when you go down there. Wow, that's smart.
Or is it forward? Fuck, I don't know. Whatever.
Is it backward down there? But regardless of what it is. Whatever it is, I would do both.
No, even if you couldn't. Let's say you couldn't.
I would do your funeral. I would, yes, you mean more to me than fucking that.
I would not do the same for you. You fuck.
I really wouldn't. What? Yeah, if it's a big deal, I wouldn't.
Bob, it's one day. Look at it like this.
It's one day in a movie where you're insignificant as fuck. Tom Hardy, megastar, hot guy, awesome, cool, will steal the movie.
And who was the other person? Julia Roberts? Yeah. Okay, first of all, they would never be in a movie together second of all she's the fucking she's a shining star brilliant beautiful person your one day couldn't be a substantial role so it means nothing you'll be just another little fart poo poo nugget dumpling character that they threw to you and it wouldn't mean anything to the movie would you be mad if they didn't put your name on the comedy store awning for at least a day livid i would be fucking if i didn't get a't get a make God laugh sign on the laugh factory and a RIP in the store, livid.
You know what I would be livid at? Huh? If Jamie put make God a raff. For me.
I would be like, my ghost, I would not think it was funny. If people would think it was funny.
If it said make a God a raff. Yeah, God a raff.
Make a God a raff. It would infuriate me.
Oh my God. You know what? What? I'm going to save money.
I'm putting that I'm a tombstone for you. Make a God a raft.
Yeah. But like I would have to be in the awnings.
For how many days though? That's the point. So some people got a whole week.
How did Brody get? What did Brody get? Brody got more than a week. I think Brody got a substantial amount of time.
Like seven days.

Well, that'd be just a week.

I just said just more than a week.

I think he got over a week.

Oh, yeah.

How about this?

Two days and you're out.

Would that be mad?

Yeah.

Two days?

Monday, Tuesday?

It's open fucking micers.

I want the people to see.

Or how about this?

Friday, Saturday, your weekend.

Yeah, that's good.

Just two days.

But in La Jolla? No La Jolla. No, I want to be in La Jolla too.
For Friday, Saturday, your weekend? Yeah, that's good. Just two days.
But in La Jolla?

No La Jolla.

No, I want to be in La Jolla too. For Friday and Saturday? Yeah.
And then on one side it should say, the headliner's name on the other side it should say, but really, rest in peace, Anderson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It's pretty dark.
How about this? How about this? This is good. This is really sad and weird and fucked up.
Yeah, yeah. if when you're dead

yeah

when you're dead and gone

yeah

and if you ghost

to the memorial

that they have at the comedy store for you, if you found out certain people were there that attended your funeral that you don't like, how would you feel then? You know who I'm thinking about. A couple of people.
You can name them. I don't give a fuck.
Okay, there's a chunk of people that you know that we both know you don't like. If they showed up, how would you feel about them then? There about A couple of people You can name them I don't give a fuck Okay There's a chunk of people That you know That we both know You don't like If they showed up How would you feel about them There's a couple of people That politically They have to Who? Who's political? Who's political? They would just To save face They would show up Yeah okay okay I know what you mean Yeah yeah never mind Because I'll be honest with you When Freddie Soto died Yeah Right? Yeah He didn't like me Why didn't Freddie like you? We just had a beef For some some reason comedy wise yeah like I don't think you're funny type no it wasn't that it was something else but I want to get into that but um but I had no I loved Freddy yeah he just didn't like me yeah right so but I showed up anyway you did I sat in the very you know where the back the main room is.
And when they showed his baby photos – because you know how they – that's bullshit.

That is.

That makes you cry.

As soon as the baby photo of Freddie, I literally burst in tears where – and nobody wanted me there because this is when Eleanor hated me and all these people hated me.

Why did Eleanor hate you?

Oh, she didn't talk to me for 17 years.

You know that, right?

Why?

I mean I know, but why didn't she?

I thought you guys just didn't get along.

Because of Freddie.

Oh, that's it?

Yeah.

I thought there was a thing that happened.

I ratted them out.

I ratted people out.

I'm a rat.

What did you rat them out for?

It's a long story.

All right, don't tell it.

I can tell you.

Tell it.

All right, I'll tell you.

Tell it.

So Freddie didn't like me.

Yeah, we got that.

And Freddie was very big at the comedy store at the time. Yeah, he was.
And Eleanor was the talent coordinator. They were best friends.
Freddie's girlfriend, Princess Corrie, was also a talent coordinator, right? And I wasn't getting spots, right? So, I would call in, and then somebody told me that, oh, they're not even giving Mitzi the ear of ales. Oh, shit.
Right? So I would call in, and then somebody told me that, oh, they're not even giving Mitzi your avails.

Oh, shit.

Right?

So I started getting paranoid.

Right, as you do.

As I do, right?

And I was also working there as a doorman, so I would just sit there weak on just no spot.

So then what happened was Polly goes, dude, Kirk's back.

And Kirk is a Thai man. And he's like very Pol Potty.
Yeah. If you show up one minute late, you're fired.
Never come back. He was one of those guys.
I love that. Right? Yeah.
But Kirk would go to me, you want to go up? Right? He loved you. Yeah.
I go, now? Prime spot? Yeah. You can do whatever you want with me he loved you he loved me so he would just put me up that's so wonderful it's so wonderful but everyone hated him well all the waitresses hated him to everyone in the club hated him okay so then they did a um they did a um what do you call it a uh what do you call it a form where everyone's signup sheet? No.
To go to Mitzi. It's like a petition.
Thank you. Thank you, George.
A petition. Thank you.
Yeah, but also shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah.
A little too loud and aggressive about it. But yeah.
So they did a petition, right, to fire Kirk. Oh, shit.
Right. And somebody gave me the petition.
Sign it. I'm not signed.
This is the only reason why I'm getting spots. Yeah.
And they go, and Pauly can't know that we're doing this because Kirk's Pauly's guy. Right.
Right? Right. So the first thing I do is call Pauly.
A hundred percent. Right, call Pauly.
Yeah. And I go, yeah, and Eleanor, they're doing a petition and they're trying to get a, where to, and that's how I said it to him.
Kirk, and they're talking shit behind your back. Like your little kid on a breath.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is an abomination.
Right? And Pop McDade, really, bro? Hell out. What is that, Ria? So he goes, and he wreaks havoc.
Wow. But then he goes, Bobby, call me.
Bobby, call me. That's what you get.
Right, right. And then all of a sudden, just sheer rat.
I was a rat. You're a rat.
That's a rat. No, I'm not.
That's not a rat. I'm a cockroach.
Right. You never die.
Right. Rats die.
Yeah, you don't die. Cockroaches don't.
You've stayed a long, you've held on for the long run. Listen to me.
All you fucking young guys, right, that talk shit behind my back, right?

They say that, oh, you know, he's old.

You know what I mean?

He's not relevant, all this shit.

Nobody says this.

Yes.

I'm the new shit.

I know it's in my head, but I believe it in my head.

Literally nobody says that.

But I'm just saying, if you are doing it, remember, right?

I am cockroach.

I don't go nowhere.

You know?

So anyway, what happened was Kirk, they found out and he stayed on for a while. He still kept the job.
But, man, that fucked it up with me, Corey, Eleanor, and Freddie. Damn.
Real bad. Damn.
For a long time. For 17 years.
After Freddie died, it changed. No, it got even worse.
But you and Eleanor are good now. Because one day, I don't know what happened.
This only happened two years ago. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, you're a half ago. I guess I've never been in this.
You remember what happened. When I knew George, Eleanor hated me.
I've just never been in the same room with you two. Yeah, because I would avoid her.
Right. But you avoid a lot of people at the store.
Not that you dislike them. There's just some people you just avoid.
So I just assumed that to be natural. But one day we were, it was so weird.
I was downstairs. Yeah.
And there was a bunch of people down there. And I'm just talking to people.
And I turn and Eleanor's right there. And I couldn't get away because people were like.
And she just said, do my podcast. Like, okay.
You said yes. And then that next week we did it.
And it was squashed. See, people grow.
People change. You know, when Ari beat the shit out of me all those times, right? And I literally adamantly was like, I will forever hate him.
And one day it just passed. Things change.
You know, you just let things fly by and let things simmer down, and things will change. Don't react violently, you know, just, you know.
Well, if it's necessary, you have to. You have to do what you have to do.
Yeah, but so, yeah, that was a huge thing for me. It was a big step.
Yeah. Corey still doesn't talk to me.
Who? Princess Corey, though. I don't know who that is.
Freddie's wife. That was the town coordinator.
Oh, sorry. She still doesn't talk to me.
Well, do you want to call her? No. No, no.
We called a lot of people. She would have to come up to me and go, let's just squash her.
Yeah. But I'm not going to say anything.
Well, maybe we should reach out to her sometime. No.
Do you want to do that? No. All right.
All right. You want to look into the camera and sign off and say goodbye to the kids? Did we do enough? I think we did a good job.
How long? I don't know. We did some good time.
How long did we do? Don't keep asking how long

we did. I want to know.
How long did we do?

Over 120.

That's great. Yeah, that's over 120.

That's good.

Well, Bobby here. We're slowly making

our moves in this thing. Bobby Lee here.

Signing off. No, no.

We look in the camera and this is the main

one and we say, thank you for being our bad friend. Remember.
Hold on. Ready? Don't.
First of all, please. Hold on.
Don't talk to me like that. Robert.
Hold on. Okay.
Ready? Please don't. Thank you.
What is it again? Thank you for being our bad friend. Ready? One, two, three.
Thank you for being our bad friend. Well, don't fuck it up.
You fucked it up. Thank you for being.
No, no. Just let me count it in.
One, two, three. Thank you for being our bad friend.
Well, don't fuck it up.

You fucked it up.

Thank you for being.

No, no.

Just let me count it in.

One, two, three.

Thank you for being our bad friend.

That was good.

Thank you. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.