Great Start, Fantastic Finish!

Speaker 1 I had been doing porn for like two years. I've been since I was 19 and I'm 23 now.

Speaker 1 And my brother was on Tumblr because he was scrolling through and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You guys are weird. Andrew,

Speaker 1 have you seen a Korean guy around here? Bobby? You two are sociopaths. You two are disgusting.
You guys are nuts.

Speaker 1 You guys are sick.

Speaker 1 You two are wholesome and decent. Oh, good.
You two are back together. You guys are freaks.

Speaker 1 You are a bad friend.

Speaker 1 You two are dangerous when you coordinate. You guys are gross.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. So do you want to start the podcast telling people that you don't care that you hit my wife's car last week?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 you could be anybody's car. I wouldn't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 You hit my wife. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 And guess what, dude? How much do I owe her?

Speaker 1 15 grand. Well, I'll give it the 15 grand.
Well, then give it to me cash. It doesn't cost 15 grand, though.
Yes, it does.

Speaker 1 You have no idea what it costs. What does it cost? You have no idea what it costs.
You know what's cost 15 grand? What? That stupid haircut that you have. 15 grand.
You think my haircuts cost 15?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's fine. It's so fancy.
Is that like you're doing a Leave It to Beaver kind of thing with a Nazi heart? It's not Leave It to Beaver. You have a Nazi heart.
It is a little bit of a Nazi.

Speaker 1 It's a little Hitler youth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Someone has to be tidy on this podcast. Wow.
So I'm going to be nice and tighty.

Speaker 1 Look, dude, I do not appreciate you hit my wife's car and you don't give a fuck at all. You don't even know how to do it.
Well, ask me then. Ask me if I give a fuck.
Do you give a fuck? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bob. I do.
No, you don't.

Speaker 1 No, she's not hurt, dude. No one was in the car.
I know she hurt me.

Speaker 1 You hit a parked car while you were parking.

Speaker 1 Means nothing to me.

Speaker 1 It really doesn't. It means zero.
That's so fucked up.

Speaker 1 You're my friend, right? Okay. And I want to be completely upfront and honest with you.
Yeah. I literally don't feel anything.
But just say I'm sorry. No.
Bob.

Speaker 1 You know how many times you've hurt me? Not, I haven't hit your car. I know you've physically hurt my fucking vessel.
I've hurt your body. My vessel.
I understand. Your body.
Spacesuit.

Speaker 1 That's not a vessel. It is.
Where does my soul live? In my vessel. You think you've got a soul? It's not small.

Speaker 1 It's a very, very small small small small small small

Speaker 1 small. Let me tell you something.
Your vessel can be hit, and I incurred little damage over the years. You hit my wife's car.
You didn't even care at all. You didn't even say I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 And I said, you hit my wife's car. And you said, what? I don't care how much I'm.
I don't say I don't care. I said, I don't give a fuck.
I said it like this. I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I don't.

Speaker 1 What? I don't. No.
That's Stephen Hawking robot. You.
I don't. Oh, yeah.
I thought you were doing an Asian account. I don't give a fuck.
I don't.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck. This is what you're doing.
Hey, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
How much do you think it costs to fix a bumper?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Two grand.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
Give me two grand. I will.
Perfect. I won't.
Why? You just said you were.

Speaker 1 You will not. You just said you were going to.
I refuse. Okay.
Let's let it go. Let it go.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make you a deal. Yeah, make me a deal.
I'm not going to make you a deal. I'm going to just say something.
Okay, say something. All right.

Speaker 1 I purposely hit your wife's stupid fucking car, and there's no feeling behind it. I know.
And I don't give a fuck. I know, I know you said.
And that's the honest truth.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to give you any money. No, I know.
No apology. I know.
You get nothing from me. Yeah, I get it.
Right? You can hit mine all day long.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to hit your car because it's a priest. It's already a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Hitting a piece of shit doesn't make it worse.

Speaker 1 It just continues its piece of shitness. Yeah.
If I hit your car with my nice car, what a waste of time for me. My car is nice.
Yours is a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 Your car is you, by the way. You know, when red-headed people

Speaker 1 do the red-headed thing.

Speaker 1 They don't do the face as well. You want to do the face as well? The red face? Yeah, I'm going to do the red face.
God.

Speaker 1 Don't get upset with me because of the way I look. Because I don't get upset with you by the way you look.
I look good. No, you don't.
For my type? What do you think you are on a scale of one to 10?

Speaker 1 What's the on cuteness?

Speaker 1 10. If you're on hotornot.com.
Bro, I have facts to prove that I'm cute, bro. Really? Dude,

Speaker 1 give it to me. When I was on that monkey show,

Speaker 1 I was on a monkey show called Animal Practice. Yeah, we were, yeah, for about 10, 15 minutes.
I remember it.

Speaker 1 13 episodes. Oh, it was a good season.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was a really good show.
It was written extremely well. Everyone liked it.
Everybody wants it to come back. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 Why don't you guys say that? What about your show, Mixed Drinks, or whatever that was?

Speaker 1 At least I got to work with Larry Charles. Oh, and I've done work with him as well.
I know, but who did you work with on a monkey show? Who directed the... The Russo Brothers?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Are they bigger than

Speaker 1 the guy who did Borat? Are the Russo Brothers bigger than the guy that did Borat? They did Avengers Endgame? Yeah. Let me see the parallel of comedy for the monkey show between Avengers Endgame.

Speaker 1 All right, let's, George, you be the deciding factor. I don't know.
In terms of money-making, in terms of cultural impact. I'm saying.
Avengers Endgame or Borat? I love Borat.

Speaker 1 It was one of my favorite comedy movies of all time. Not money.
I was also in The Dictator.

Speaker 1 Jerry Charles. Anyway, go ahead.
Yeah, you were in The Dictator. Yeah, I was.
You were Kim Jong? No, that was the

Speaker 1 interview. You were Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un. The Dictator was with Sasha Baron Cohen.
Wait, no, no, you were Kim Jong-il. That's Randall Park that was on the show.
Oh, he's great. I love that guy.

Speaker 1 All right. He's one of my favorite Asian actors.
I love Ron Howard. He's one of my favorites.
He should be.

Speaker 1 He's an iconic person who was in Andy Griffith as Opie Taylor and then went on to be one of the greatest characters of all time in happy days.

Speaker 1 Okay. Let me ask you something, George.
Oh, shit. In terms of culture,

Speaker 1 impact. Implact.

Speaker 1 Endgame or boret?

Speaker 1 Boret. Yes.
Boret.

Speaker 1 What's quoted more? 100%. My wife.
Who quotes Avengers? Give me one quote line from Avengers Endgame. Let's go in the building.

Speaker 1 That was in it, right? Ah! When they got shot? Oh, ah, wasn't it? Ah, was it a little bit of a bullet? Let's go in the building. Hulk, metaphor for fat eyes.
Hulk, metaphor, ties.

Speaker 1 He went to go, go, go, and he did that. A go, go, go.
Yeah. It was go, go, go.
I'm a Hulk. Bobby, where have you been, by the way? Tell everyone you've been in Hawaii.
I haven't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was in Hawaii. What were you doing in Hawaii?

Speaker 1 Well, as you know, my dad died. No, that is, that was not why you went to fucking Hawaii.
Yes. No, it's not.
Dad died. Okay, don't fuck you.
Okay, dude. All right.
A lot of people's dads are dead.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Is your dad dead?

Speaker 1 Not literally, but metaphorically, I guess. But you don't know how it feels.

Speaker 1 Yes, I do. That your dad died? Your dad hasn't died.
My dad's not dead, but I don't know him that well. Did he abandon you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so happy about that. Yeah, I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I was in Hawaii, can I explain? Yeah, please. So the first leg of Hawaii, I had to shoot Irea Kurana Show.
Tell them what the show was. Called Magnum PI.

Speaker 1 Why are you laughing? No, it's a great show, right? It's better than Mixed Nuts, the show that you were on, not even on it anymore. It was eight years ago.
Go ahead, okay.

Speaker 1 So, and then, um, I'm laughing because I think it's funny. You're on.
Do you know, does do you know the cultural relevance of the original Magnum PI or no? I have no idea what it is.

Speaker 1 No, the original Magnum P.I. No.
Do you know there was one before the one you're doing right now? I just found that out, yes. Holy shit.
Do you know who the star was? Tommy Solock.

Speaker 1 Tom

Speaker 1 Tommy Solick. Tom Selle.
Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck.
Tom Selick. Mustachioed man of the 80s and 90s.
Oh, yeah. And then there was a helicopter black man.

Speaker 1 What? There was a man in the original

Speaker 1 who was a black guy who wrote the helicopter. Sure.
And that's all I know about it. Let's not talk about helicopters and black guys right now.
That's

Speaker 1 very weird. That's you.
That's a bad. I didn't know what you were talking about when you said that.
That was my Ari Shafir joke. That was good.
It was great. You did a great job.

Speaker 1 I know. So then I, well, let me finish.
Go. So I did Magnum, and then

Speaker 1 my mother's never gone anywhere in the world except for Korea in the United States. She's never been to Europe? No.

Speaker 1 My mother took care of my dad for the last 12 years because he was really sick. Prior to that, though? She'd never gone anywhere.

Speaker 1 I'm asking why not?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 she just didn't want to. And my dad is not a traveler.
He doesn't give a shit. And so they just never went anywhere.
Now your dad can go wherever he wants. Yeah.
He can float there.

Speaker 1 Do you believe he goes?

Speaker 1 He floats underground. You think your dad's in hell?

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. He wasn't a spiritual guy.
No. No.
But anyway, my... No, he wasn't.
Really? No. He didn't go to church? No, my dad was a rageaholic.
You already know this. I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he is a bat. He was like, I love him, but he was just a really rageaholic.
It's too much. Yeah.
Okay, so go on. So then I went to...

Speaker 1 Hawaii because, and then at the tail end of it, my mom flew to Maui. Oh, nice.
And And we stayed at the Grand Waalea

Speaker 1 hotel. And

Speaker 1 we did a lot of eating and traveling around. And she really loved it.
She's never seen a waterfall before. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was that like to feel her watch a waterfall for the first time? Was that really cool? Did that really, like, was that really a moving moment for you? Huh? Yeah, because it didn't happen yet.

Speaker 1 Bobby. We have to lie to the thing.

Speaker 1 You know, but it's weird to talk about something that didn't happen yet. It doesn't matter.
They don't know that we didn't do this yet.

Speaker 1 I know, but it's like, what if something happened in Hawaii where I was thinking, like, you know, my mom didn't have a good time? Well, let's try to predict how it went. Right.
I'm your mom.

Speaker 1 I'm your mom. I'm not listening now.
Let's just say it.

Speaker 1 Anybody listening right now, we're taping this early because Bobby's going to Hawaii to shoot a bunch of Magnum PI episodes, and I told him not to do it, but it's fucking up the release of the show.

Speaker 1 Anyway, let's pretend that we're in Hawaii. This is what's going to happen.
Yeah. I'm your mother.
Yeah. And you're you.
And we're seeing a waterfall for the first time. Ready? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bobby, stop peeing. I'm your fucking mom.
Oh, I fucked up. You're you.
Uh-oh. That's the waterfall.
What do you, why did you think Bob, you're pissing in this fucking episode?

Speaker 1 I gotta like.

Speaker 1 I'm who am I?

Speaker 1 Can we back up though? You're Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Who else are you supposed to be in this fucking scenario? I don't know. There's other people going.
There's two characters in this scene. You and your fucking mom.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Which one do you think you should be?

Speaker 1 Which one do you think you should be? I think I'm closely. I think I better understand the character of Bobby Lee.
You're right.

Speaker 1 Would you like to be your mother and I'll be you?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, let's do that.
Let's roleplay. Okay.
Here we go. I want to at the water.

Speaker 1 I'm Bobby Lee. I want to do the sound.
Do the sound.

Speaker 1 Ma'am.

Speaker 1 Ma'am. Ma'am.
Do you do you like waterfall? Have you ever seen before? What the fuck would it sound like? That's exactly what you sound like. Ma'am, ma'am.

Speaker 1 Do you like waterfall? Do I really sound like that? You sometimes do, yeah. Oh, God.
Mom, how do you like the waterfall?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You don't like too much? Let go back hotel. Why?

Speaker 1 I tired.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Well,

Speaker 1 waterfall here, first time for you. All right.

Speaker 1 You're doing a dad fan and pressure. No, I'm not.
You're doing a dad fan and brush. All right, I'll be you.
I'll be Bobby. Ready? Mom, why don't you?

Speaker 1 Why don't you? You do the sound. Okay.

Speaker 1 Why don't you like the waterfall, mom? I'm being you, but I'm just, why don't you like the water? I'm the me now. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That's right. You fucked it up.
Bobby, this waterfall crazy.

Speaker 1 It was the same fucking accent. You fucker.
No, it's not. It's the same accent, you fucking cocksucker.
How is it the same?

Speaker 1 Do

Speaker 1 me. Do me real quick.
Ma'am, ma'am. You like the water power? Okay.
And do my mom.

Speaker 1 Bobby, this a waterfall.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a little different.
It's a little different. It's a little different.
Okay, good. Yeah.
I don't want to do this waterfall game anymore. All right, fine.

Speaker 1 We won't do it anymore. It's ridiculous.
All right, so yeah, for the fans that want to know, yeah, Bobby's in Hawaii shooting, so that's why we had to come back to you. We haven't done.

Speaker 1 So here's the thing. We haven't gone to who.
I haven't gone to Hawaii yet. About

Speaker 1 three days ago, the Ari Shafir thing happened.

Speaker 1 We're taping this episode prior to the release. Yeah, it did happen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Ari Shafir thing, the Kobe Bryant thing happened.
Because I don't know where else to talk about it.

Speaker 1 You can talk about it now. Talk about it now.
Yeah. Unless you talked about it on Belly, or you're going to talk about it on Belly.
I haven't talked about it on Belly.

Speaker 1 Well, then don't talk about it on there if you're going to talk about it on there. I'm not going to talk about it on that.
So what do you want to say? Go ahead.

Speaker 1 You did say before the episode, for the people at home, Bobby said, I really want to talk about it. I said, this episode isn't going to come up for a while.
Here's the thing. Here's the thing, okay?

Speaker 1 Is that people threatening his life is crazy. Number one, you're not going to, no one's going to do anything.
He's getting death threats, right? Yes. He's getting death threats from people.

Speaker 1 No one's going to do anything. Number two, people saying, yo, dude, you're a goof.
You're not funny.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm tired of is when people comment, I get it sometimes, when they go, you're not funny, it's like,

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 Right, of course. We all are because it's impossible to get to where we are without going through 10,000 obstacles.
Right. Right.
Being vetted, showcases, you know what I mean? Just constantly.

Speaker 1 You can't get to the place that you're physically at without any talent. It's impossible.
So why are they writing it? Yeah, because these people are insecure. They have their own fucking issues.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 So I wanted to say this before you continue real fast. Somebody told me that IceCube retweeted or put on Instagram Ari's video, and now I can't find it.
Did you hear this?

Speaker 1 No, but I know that RapReport did it. Well, Rap did it.

Speaker 1 And then here was the other thing that happened with it. A lot of people kept saying, look at this racist piece of shit.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 a lot of dudes on Twitter, a lot of black dudes were like, racist, racist. And it was really funny to me because I was like,

Speaker 1 you could say a lot of other things. This wasn't him being racist.
It's him just making a fucking

Speaker 1 shitty Twitter joke or Twitter Instagram joke. It could have been a white basketball player.

Speaker 1 Rarely, though, by the way.

Speaker 1 That doesn't happen much. They can afford helicopters? White basketball player is kind of an oxymoron.
I mean, there's a couple.

Speaker 1 Chambers from the Phoenix Suns. Do Do you remember him?

Speaker 1 What? Who? There was a white guy named Chambers. Was that his name? Chambers.
What? Will Chamberlain.

Speaker 1 No, there was another guy. Fucking Chamberlain.
No, there was a black. No, there was a guy named Chambers.
Bobby, if you're looking for a white guy, there's plenty of white guys that do play.

Speaker 1 I want to look it up though.

Speaker 1 Did you have a chambers? Yeah, Phoenix Suns. Chambers.

Speaker 1 This is insane. Yeah, let's just Google it.
Well, I got it. Dear, put your phone down.
Yeah, is there a guy named there?

Speaker 1 Chambers? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Tom Chambers? Yeah. Wow.
How do you know that? That's insane for you. What? Because you're so bad at stuff like that.
Because my brother used to have this NBA game.

Speaker 1 And Tom Chambers was somebody that was on the game. Back then, back in the day, he did this move.

Speaker 1 I just remember, and then I memorized his last name. Tom Chambers.

Speaker 1 He was an American basketball player. Lizzie White.
Huh? There we go. Larry Bird, White.
None of these guys play anymore. Can you name me one white guy in the NBA that plays right now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is insane. Griffin.

Speaker 1 Blake Griffin or Eric Griffin? Blake Griffin. Blake Griffin.
Blake Griffin's not white. He's half white.

Speaker 1 He's not black. Yes, he is.
There's something going on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's half white half. But there's also some redheaded thing going on.
Like, he's mixed with Syndad.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I thought you were. He's like a Karatopi kind of a...

Speaker 1 That's his white half. Oh, so probably his white half was redhead, some freaky redhead.
Irish. They were Irish, yeah.
And then the black was probably like some weird black, and then they mixed.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, weird black? I mean, just a different, like a

Speaker 1 Delroy Lindo black. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Am I digging a hole? Yeah. No, I don't think that's racist, what I'm saying.
No, I guess not. Yeah, yeah.
It's up to you.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Tom Chambers. Tom Chambers was a first-round draft pick.
Yeah, exactly. I knew who he was.
He's very good at 81. He's very good at what he did.
You know who selected him? Who? Your hometown.

Speaker 1 Phoenix Suns? Your hometown. San Diego Clippers.
Oh. The Clippers were at San Diego at one point? The San Diego Clippers in 1980.
Can we go back to Ari or no? Yeah, let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 So when they say

Speaker 1 the death threats, that's crazy. No one, right? You can't say you're not funny anyway.

Speaker 1 It's like that doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 But do you think what he said was funny? Let's clarify that. Do you think what he said? No, you don't.

Speaker 1 No, I because

Speaker 1 I need a switch or an obvious punchline or something clever. So here's my point, real quick, not to cut you off.

Speaker 1 The reason that they're saying you're not funny isn't because they don't think his collective whole career is not. They're saying that isn't funny.
That's not what they're saying.

Speaker 1 They're saying that you're not funny. Bobby, they don't know who he is.
So when they just see him for the first time, they go, you're not funny because that's not funny. That's what they're saying.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. So you said it's not funny.
Okay, go ahead. And I thought it was, you know, the reason why you think that tragedy plus time,

Speaker 1 you know how they say that? Yes.

Speaker 1 That has been said since the vaudeville days, right? Because it's like it's a vetted thing. It's something that is truthful.

Speaker 1 It's one of those that's, you know, it's like, you got to let, I can do, I do Pearl Harbor jokes, but this is 70 years past, right?

Speaker 1 Do you think it was 70 years ago? In the 1940s or whatever. Okay.
When did it happen? No, I just wanted to make sure you knew your timeline.

Speaker 1 Because you're trying to, you know what you're trying to do? We've done timelines before. I know, but you're trying to insult me and ridicule me.
I'm not at all. You're setting it up.

Speaker 1 Like, do you even know? This is what you do. Do you know? And if I say it wrong, you go, idiot.

Speaker 1 I would never say idiot. I've never called you an idiot, not once.
I know, but you think it.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So go ahead. So you think not enough time had passed.
He did it the same day it happened. He did it probably hours after it happened.
You know, I just think that when children

Speaker 1 are involved and innocent people are involved,

Speaker 1 families are being ripped apart. I can't imagine what these people are going through.
Right. It's a nightmare.
Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, and so the timing was super bad.

Speaker 1 And also the rape thing is

Speaker 1 it's not as if Kobe Bryant is systematically a rapist, right? It was one incident.

Speaker 1 If it was Bill Cosby, yes. It's systematic.
Right. What did he do?

Speaker 1 I don't remember, but he did something, right? Did he? I feel like he didn't do anything. Yeah, he drugged women.

Speaker 1 That one woman that... I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you thinking of Michael Jackson? No, no, no, no, no.
Bill Cosby. What did Jackson do?

Speaker 1 He made great music. He did.
Thriller.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Anyway, yeah. You think because it involved children, it's like prison rules.
That's what I said to somebody. Prison rules.
No, no women and children type of shit, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you kill a woman and a kid or rape them in prison, they kill you. They've fucked you up.

Speaker 1 But if you kill a guy or an adult male, people are like, who cares? Yeah. So you think the children on board escalated it to a point for you where you're not comfortable with.

Speaker 1 So the rape thing is one thing, it's allegations.

Speaker 1 Right. He got acquitted of the rape, correct? He got acquitted.

Speaker 1 Isn't that right? Yeah. Yeah, he got acquitted.
And so you can't really use that as well. Like, a ha ha ha, a rapist died.
We don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We don't know. Well, if Cosby died, you go, ha ha ha, a rapist died.
Yeah, he was

Speaker 1 because he's been convicted of rape. Not only that, it's 20, 30, 40 women, right, out of the woodwork coming out.

Speaker 1 Same with Harvey Weinstein, right? You can't. So you can make that joke.
Of course.

Speaker 1 But with Kobe, you can't. And he's also a good father.
It's not just me saying it. It's like everyone.

Speaker 1 Is that something that you know on a personal level?

Speaker 1 No, no, I mean, you can just tell. Sure.
Right. Just through

Speaker 1 just the photos in itself. Look, I don't disagree with you.
I'm just being playing devil's advocate. I don't know what kind of guy he was.
I don't know his character.

Speaker 1 I never knew him on a personal level. I assume from the public eye and the media perception of who he was, I think he was a cool, great dude.
I also don't know, dude. I don't know that fucking.

Speaker 1 There's one weird thing that he does that I was just like. What?

Speaker 1 Well, he

Speaker 1 doesn't talk to his parents. He hasn't talked to his parents for many, many years.
You know that for a fact? Yeah. I do.
Why didn't he talk to his parents?

Speaker 1 Because they sold a half a million dollars with a memory abilia. Oh, right.
I do remember this. Yes.
Right. Yeah, they sold his shit.
And then he just cut them off. It's like, who gives a shit? Right.

Speaker 1 He also doesn't give his sisters money or anything. He's like, they're smart girls.
They can handle handle themselves or whatever. There's some truth in that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he has that mentality, which I think is a little weird. But other than that, that still doesn't make him a bad guy.
It doesn't make you a bad guy. Yeah, yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 1 you didn't talk to members of your family.

Speaker 1 My brother, Steve, I will take care of for the rest of my life. When it comes to my blood,

Speaker 1 I've been sending my parents a lot of money for the last 20 years.

Speaker 1 Every chunk piece of money that I make goes to my family. Right.
And I will take care of my family. I take care of my own.
That's my... I understand.
Yeah. I'm also saying

Speaker 1 I don't know the content of Kobe's character based on anything other than what I've seen in the media.

Speaker 1 It doesn't mean I'm saying the joke was justified. I just don't, I don't know.
I don't care. I didn't care.
I don't care about Kobe enough to understand if that's relevant or not. My point is

Speaker 1 Ari has a hidden rage. Because you beat the shit out of me.
You know that. Well, yeah, a lot of people know that.
But it's something that... Well, you want to tell the story?

Speaker 1 No, I don't want to tell the story.

Speaker 1 I'm just, I don't like your, oh, yeah. Well, it's a common thing people know that Ari.
Yeah, but you almost made me seem like a lot of people want to beat me up or something.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't say a lot of people, but I say there's a few people that definitely want to hit me in the fucking face.

Speaker 1 Really? You know who I'm talking about. And that's exactly why I want to even bring that up.
So tell me who wants to beat me in the punch me in the face. You want me to say it in the future?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I want you to say, we can cut it out. We're not going to cut it out.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 You know who. No, tell me.
I don't know. I don't want to do this.
I'm not going to say who wants to beat you in that. No, just do it.
We'll cut it out. Just do it.
I want to know.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Say his name.
Kevin Shea. Kevin Shea hates your fucking guts.

Speaker 1 You think that he hates my guts? No, I know he hates your guts. We've done this before.
I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I think that he is one of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life. Sure, I know.
We've done this before.

Speaker 1 My point is, there are people that want to hit you in the fucking face. Okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah, for no reason. Sure.
It happens all the time. Yeah.
Okay. And I know people that want to punch you in the face.

Speaker 1 Fucking.

Speaker 1 Let's go back.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. Yeah.
You want to call them out? Do it. No, I don't want to.
Go ahead. Move on.
No, you, no, you fucking move on.

Speaker 1 So, look.

Speaker 1 Have you said anything to Ari?

Speaker 1 No. I wanted to.

Speaker 1 You don't plan on it, do you? No. Did you text anybody about it? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who'd you text? You didn't text me. We called.
We talked to each other. Yeah, we did talk on the phone.
Yeah, I called you. We talked on the phone.
It was. Look,

Speaker 1 I talked to Kevin Christie about it.

Speaker 1 I talked to.

Speaker 1 What did he say?

Speaker 1 Well, you know,

Speaker 1 it's sensitive because I do love RA. So do I.
Yeah. So.

Speaker 1 It doesn't change the fact that we're talking about what happened. Yeah.
So there is, I, you know, I do love him. But,

Speaker 1 you know, it's like when my dad, my dad one time

Speaker 1 almost killed one of my cousins. On purpose? Yeah.
Holy shit, why? Because my cousin didn't say hello to him. Oh, that makes sense.
My dad,

Speaker 1 my cousin was 12, though. And my dad took his head

Speaker 1 and did Muay Kai Thai knees to his face like 20 times. Dope.
And then when my cousin, we call him Dong Hyung. Dong Hyung? Yeah, which is shit brother.
Dong Hyung means shit brother? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's shit brother. His head flew back, and I remember his face just being split open and just blood gushing out

Speaker 1 and i i just remember um what color is you guys his blood yellow

Speaker 1 go you remember his face split open away

Speaker 1 it burns it burns yeah what happened what happened his face split open and what

Speaker 1 and we i remember the ambulance coming this and that and i remember looking at my dad and so it's like i do love my dad but when he acts like that yeah when he used to act like that it's like what do you do well what do you do what What do you do?

Speaker 1 There's nothing I do. Nothing.
So do you just going to let this thing pass and let it die out? Yeah, I will never bring it up. Never, right.
Yeah, we will. Will you?

Speaker 1 Like, if you saw me, you wouldn't bring it up. No, no, it's just because I don't know.
Why do I care? Like, that's it. Yeah, I don't care.
I treat that like you treat my wife's car.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, you don't.

Speaker 1 Everyone would treat your wife's car the way I treated your wife's car. People don't just hit other people's cars.

Speaker 1 Nobody does that. But that's the problem with the United States, I think.
That's the problem with the United States. That's the problem with the United States.
I'll tell you why, okay?

Speaker 1 I mean, how stereotypical to be a bad Asian driver. It's almost like such a happy joke.

Speaker 1 It has nothing to do with being Asian drivers. But you are a bad Asian driver.
But the reason why is because I have Asian mentality. Which is what? I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's not what it is, dude. You don't fucking get it, dude.
What is it? I'm going to explain it to you, fucking fucker.

Speaker 1 All right. Is that, have you ever been to Bangkok or

Speaker 1 Asia or,

Speaker 1 right? Not Japan. I've been to Japan.
But not in Japan because it's more like the United States. It's good, yeah.
I've been to Guyana.

Speaker 1 It's one of the good ones.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. But it's like, you know, in Bangkok, for instance, right? You get an offender vendor, right? They'll stick their heads out of the car, see if there's no smoke.

Speaker 1 And if there's no smoke, they go, okay, move on.

Speaker 1 Have a good day.

Speaker 1 Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.
There's no like getting to the side of the road and exchange. It's a dent.
Who gives a fuck? But they people.

Speaker 1 But in the United States, right, you get a little, like, I one time keyed a Porsche. Why? Just because it's just the shell.
That's not fucking up the engine. That's so fucked up.

Speaker 1 No, but to me, I have Asian mentality. So I keyed it, and then I heard the guy, and then he never knew it was me, but he put flyers around, who keyed my car, right? And all that stuff.

Speaker 1 And I giggle it, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? But it's like, I don't give a fuck. You don't care? The car moves.
I know, but that's someone's. Look at my car.
Look at my periods.

Speaker 1 It's someone's property. I bang it against shit.
I don't give a fuck. But that's because you don't care.
Other people care.

Speaker 1 I don't think anyone should care. I'm going to come to your house and throw a rock to your window.
Do you care? Yeah, that's different. Why? House still works.

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't because the house is supposed to protect you from the elements. So is it?

Speaker 1 When there's a crack in the window, it doesn't protect you. What if a tsunami goes through that little functionality?

Speaker 1 I'm going to throw poop at your house for the next couple of days straight, and there's going to be poop everywhere. That's fine.
Do that. Okay.
Yeah. And I'm going to throw poop on your property.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 That's the reaction.

Speaker 1 Okay, so when you hit someone, they should be allowed to just hit you back. Yeah.
What do you mean, you like my car? You mean or not? I'm going to hit your next week.

Speaker 1 I'm going to hit your car with my wife's car again. And I'm going to hit your wife's car again.
It'll be fun. Because you're going to care.
I'm not going to care. Do you know what's going to happen?

Speaker 1 You know what I want to do?

Speaker 1 I'm dead serious.

Speaker 1 Whatever money we make from the first month of the show, I want to buy two cars and I want to get in it and hit each other with it as hard as we can. That's fine.
On the street fast. That's fine.

Speaker 1 And George is going to be, and George will be in the middle of the cars. Yeah.
But do you understand my mentality when it comes to a car? I get it. I think it's fucked up, but I totally get it.

Speaker 1 It's not fucked up. It's honestly the truth.
No, it's your version of what's okay. It doesn't mean it's everyone's version of what's okay.
Yeah, but whatever their version is.

Speaker 1 Have you ever stolen from a grocery store? Have you ever taken a food item? No, I don't, because that's wrong. Why is that wrong? Because it's somebody's property.
Exactly, Robert. Right.

Speaker 1 It's somebody else's property. Right.
You damaged my property. It's wrong.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's not like the store is moving around, right, trying to get around other stores. Yeah, it's a metaphor.
It's a fucking metaphor. The store isn't on wheels.

Speaker 1 It's not moving through the streets, dude, okay? Vonsd isn't on roller skates. It's a fucking stable stable place that's someone's property that if I took from, you'd say it's wrong to go.

Speaker 1 Let me make an adjustment then. Please.
May I make an adjustment? I already said please. Okay.

Speaker 1 Accidentally, I didn't purposely hit your wife's car. It seemed like it.

Speaker 1 It was. No, you fuck her.
It was. You fucking know it was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's move on.
Let's move on.

Speaker 1 All right, look, I want to, we, so I, I tweeted about, um, we're going to take a phone call because I really want to do this because I want to see what people say.

Speaker 1 I said to people, we're going to take a phone call. We want to pick at random.
I'm going to pick three names.

Speaker 1 but what are we talking to them about this is gonna be the best part we're gonna grill them we're gonna grill them about life I'm gonna pick I'm gonna pick three names you're gonna tell me which one you like the most Steve Bliss yuck

Speaker 1 Isaac Beek

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 Chloe Casey Let's do that. Is that a girl? Chloe Casey.
Let's do a girl. Okay, we'll do Chloe Casey.
All right, we're going to call Chloe Casey.

Speaker 1 We're gonna see what she FaceTime or maybe it's he has to say. We're now we're gonna call right now.
Oh, if Chloe is a guy, oh, that's gonna be fun. All right, we're calling right now.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're set up, George. Yep, I think so.
You better be. Here we go.

Speaker 1 You should be able to hear this in your headphones any minute now.

Speaker 1 Oh, you hear it?

Speaker 1 You good? Yellow sales.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 This is insane. Like,

Speaker 1 hello.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 You fucked up. You fucked up.

Speaker 1 Chloe. Chloe? Wait.

Speaker 1 No, no way. What do you mean, no way?

Speaker 1 Chloe, get your shit together. Get your shit together.
Get your fucking bullshit shit together.

Speaker 1 Why did it say Oklahoma? Because that's where we live.

Speaker 1 Chloe. Oklahoma, Chloe.
Get your fucking shit together. Tulsi.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 You get your shit together, okay? I thought this was a sales call. Hey, hey, hey, Chloe.
But no, it's my

Speaker 1 Chloe. Chloe.

Speaker 1 Don't ever talk to us that way. Don't ever talk to me about that.
That's insane. Don't ever do that again.

Speaker 1 That felt weird. Chloe, where are you right now? Where are you?

Speaker 1 I am in College Station, Texas. Ooh, Sean.
Have you been to College Station? Have you ever gone down there for shows? Is that a place? That's where there's a college there.

Speaker 1 Do you know what college is there? No.

Speaker 1 Is it good? What city is it, though? It's called College Stations? That's the city. Oh.
Is it near Houston or the big one? It's the worst city. It's not the worst city.
Are you a student, Chloe?

Speaker 1 Yes. I go to AM.
Yeah, she goes to, that's called.

Speaker 1 I've heard of that. What's your red? Orange, right? They're orange.

Speaker 1 The football team has an orange.

Speaker 1 I guess everything is burnt.

Speaker 1 Everything's kind of like brown and orange. It's red, really.
Oh, really? It's maroon. Maroon.
That's what I meant. That's what I meant.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Bobby's colorblind.
What's your major?

Speaker 1 Psychology. Wow.

Speaker 1 All right. Teach us something.

Speaker 1 Give us a psychological review of our friendship. Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 I could not do that because I don't go to classes very often.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
Well, Chloe's. But Chloe.
Chloe, let me ask you.

Speaker 1 Are you in a relationship, Chloe?

Speaker 1 No, Bobby, I'm not. Why?

Speaker 1 Because I have a lot to work out on the inside. Oh, that's why you're a psychologist.
No,

Speaker 1 I'm totally down for one. You're damaged? Are you damaged? Chloe, are you damaged? Sounds like it.
Yes.

Speaker 1 I just got half-hard.

Speaker 1 Wait, Chloe. That just made it my whole day.
Chloe, is it because you have

Speaker 1 daddy issues?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 What happened?

Speaker 1 Speed it up a little bit.

Speaker 1 Sorry. My dad passed away about two years ago.
Oh, shit. And so it didn't really work out that whole situation when he passed away.
So, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I'm open for love. And I'm not going to.
I'm not going to let that define me, you know? Well, you know what, Chloe, you shouldn't. And we love you.
We want to let you know.

Speaker 1 Bobby and I both love you very much, and you're going to get get through it because Bobby also went through something like that recently. Yeah, so my dad died in August.
Yeah, his dad died. She knows.

Speaker 1 She's a fan. She knows your dad.
Everyone knows your fucking dad's dead. Might as well wear a shirt.
I follow, yeah. I follow all you guys.
Okay, Joe. Well, Chloe, let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 We love you. You are going to find love.
I want to say this to everybody out there. Her name is Chloe Casey.
She's in College Station, Texas.

Speaker 1 Her phone number, of course, as we always do on this show, is

Speaker 1 love you so much, Chloe. Kissy, kissy.
Bye-bye.

Speaker 1 She was great. But is that her number, really? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 You can't do that. Yes, I can.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
You're going to cut that out, right? Greatest country in the world. I can do whatever I fucking want.
This isn't Korea, dude.

Speaker 1 I can do whatever I want here. Yeah, I've never.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 imagine her, though.

Speaker 1 That's the saddest thing in the world. She really

Speaker 1 imagine if she was hooking with a dude and he died, too.

Speaker 1 Then at that point.

Speaker 1 But then at that point, it would just be like. Yeah.
Yeah, cat lady. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You want to do one more? Let's do another one.
Yeah. All right.
I'm going to give you a little bit more.

Speaker 1 Let's try to find a point, though, to what? We do have a point. What is a point? We're trying to find out who they are and what they're doing and why they love us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I need to see their faces, though.

Speaker 1 We're going to have to FaceTime next.

Speaker 1 Yeah. What does Chloe's face look like? We're going to have to FaceTime next time because we're going to have to find a way to do it so we don't have our fucking number.
Can we do that?

Speaker 1 There's got to be a way. There's got to be a way.
All right. How about Elton Roberts? No.

Speaker 1 Or A.J. Hines,

Speaker 1 Kelsey Harrington. Because

Speaker 1 Theo Vaughn has a screen. They're very technological.
No, we're working on that right now. Yeah, but they have a technological.

Speaker 1 And when I say we're working on it, I mean I'm fucking working on it with George. While you've been fingering your little fucking butthole, your little dumpling butthole.
How about

Speaker 1 Marco Pendeo? Yeah, let's do that. I love Mexicans.
Yeah, Marco Penedo. Penedo.

Speaker 1 Look at him. Let's get raciated.
Look at this guy, though. Look at this guy.

Speaker 1 Hey, Marco, I'm going to call out Marco. Marco, I said, hey, email us your number.
He just wrote, call me.

Speaker 1 I don't have your fucking number, you dumb shit.

Speaker 1 Come on, dude. What are you doing, you dork? So he's out.
No, he's out. I don't have his fucking number.
Let's call somebody. Here we go.
Here's one. Here's one.
Gustavo Robles. I love it.

Speaker 1 We love it, dude. We love these kind of guys.

Speaker 1 Let's do that.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 All right, here we go. We're calling him right now.
This is Gustavo Robles. Gustavo Robles.
Where do you think he's from?

Speaker 1 Sora Brown.

Speaker 1 South. South? Deep South.
Your call has been forwarded to an automated call. We'll leave a message.

Speaker 1 We're going to leave a message. 9, 5, 1, 4, 5.
Oh, nope. We can't put his number on the phone.
That was going to say his number out loud. We could beep it out.

Speaker 1 We don't need to. We don't need to.
He doesn't deserve to get a message from us. He didn't answer his phone.
I said, be ready.

Speaker 1 How about we do this? How about we do someone?

Speaker 1 You want to do another girl? You like girls, don't you? I like girls, yeah. Either Dawson Bailey or Jessica Kay.
Let's go, Jessica Kay. You like that, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, oh, oh, look at this. What, he's calling back? No, no.
She goes, my number is blank.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of interesting. I do porn and I love comedy.
You should call me. I'm a huge fan.
All right. We'll call Jessica Kay.
Let's do the Mexican thing, though, still. Oh, just for Jessica Kay.

Speaker 1 For no reason.

Speaker 1 Yes, Ka Kay!

Speaker 1 Yes, I K. Okay, here we go.
This is Jessica Kay. She says she does porn.

Speaker 1 And she's a fan of us both and she wants to. Okay.

Speaker 1 My fear is people don't want want to answer unknown numbers. Yeah, the Oklahoma's weird.

Speaker 1 Doesn't really, why would it matter?

Speaker 1 Do you really think these people think I was going to call them from our real fucking number?

Speaker 1 Maybe it's restricted. No.
Like a restricted number. Hello.

Speaker 1 How are you doing?

Speaker 1 Yes, I can.

Speaker 1 You know who this is? Yes, okay. How are you doing? Go Raiders.
Go Raiders.

Speaker 1 Jessica.

Speaker 1 Jessica, who is this? Hello. Hello.
Who is this? This is Andrew Centino and Bobby Lee, obviously. That's right.
Jessica, where do you live?

Speaker 1 I live in Oregon.

Speaker 1 Fancy. It's nice up there.
Hippie stuff. There is.
Yeah. Is there a Burning Man up there too? Yep, there is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it's called Burning Them.

Speaker 1 There's no male or female. Burning They.
Hey, Jessica,

Speaker 1 are you really a porn star?

Speaker 1 I am, yes. I mean, I'm not like big time or anything.
I'm mostly a cam model, but yeah, I do it full-time. Jessica K,

Speaker 1 Cam model. That's my job.

Speaker 1 That's your full-time gig?

Speaker 1 Yes. Wow.
How do they find you? How do they find you? How do they find your

Speaker 1 videos? I don't know how they work because I'm Christian.

Speaker 1 Well, my Twitter... is just at Jessica K B D S M, but I'm pretty shadow banned on there because they hate sex workers.
So

Speaker 1 other ways to find me is like my miniviz or my

Speaker 1 HomelySam, which is just really easy to find. Jessica, we're looking at your vagina.

Speaker 1 We're looking at your vagina. It's very pretty.
Yeah, you're looking at your vagina. It's like a flower.
That's cool. Oh, thank you.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I try really hard to keep it, you know, like nice and everything. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you shape. You shave as well, it looks like.
What's inside of there, Jess? Yeah, yeah, that's cum. I do.
You let people come inside you?

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 not generally, no. Oh, okay.
Maybe that's just uh pussy vagina.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's we're getting a little bit of a own stuff. And then I do a lot of like, I do a lot of like lesbian stuff as well because I like girls more than guys in general.

Speaker 1 Right on, right on, right on. So, yeah.
It feels weird looking at your butt plug in your butthole and talking on the phone so cordially. This is kind of a very wonderful thing.

Speaker 1 But, Jessica, I do know that.

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. No, it's great.
It looks awesome. Wait, I don't.
Sorry, can I tell you a quick story? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You might want to hear it. Well, about how my brother found out that I did porn.
Oh, Oh, yeah, give it to him.

Speaker 1 Because I have two siblings

Speaker 1 and they're older. You're much older.
I'm like the youngest. I'm the baby.
That's why I'm so fucked up, you know? And so

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 had been doing porn for like two years. I've been since I was 19 and I'm 23 now.

Speaker 1 And my brother was on Tumblr because he, you know, I don't know if he's a normal person was going on Tumblr, was scrolling through and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass and then realized it was me.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 and then, like, dropped his phone. Yeah, and then he had to like have that conversation with me.
Like, I know that you do that.

Speaker 1 What was that? Is it Thanksgiving? When did he ask you? When did he tell you? Was it a holiday?

Speaker 1 It was really just a normal Wednesday. I don't know.
We're pretty close, my family. So I got a little bit closer then, did you guys?

Speaker 1 How do I avoid that?

Speaker 1 I'm not a doctor, but

Speaker 1 the rectal muscle is there for a reason, though. I wouldn't use your fist.

Speaker 1 Well, I know that Dr. Drew says, only be okay.
So I've gone way past that. You know, it's part of my living, but I'm very careful, and I haven't prolapse maintenance.
That's not my goal. Okay,

Speaker 1 that's good. I'm very careful about it.

Speaker 1 So, do you have limitations? Yeah, you shouldn't prolapse because you do know that's really bad for your tushi. If you do that, you know, yeah, you won't poop right for the rest of your life.

Speaker 1 It's horrible. Yeah, it's actually very bad to prolapse.
That being said,

Speaker 1 for prolapsing, ain't it? That's right. That's right.
That being said,

Speaker 1 we are very into people that do prolapse.

Speaker 1 Well, I like tails. Yeah.
Bobby loves a little tail pops.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Jessica, this is pretty incredible. So let me ask you one more thing.

Speaker 1 You live in Oregon. Oregon is very sex-positive, sex forward.
There's a lot of strip clubs up there, right? Yes. Do you strip as well? Uh-huh.
You do. What's the name of the club? Can we? I do not.

Speaker 1 I have never done that. Oh.

Speaker 1 No, I don't. I do not.

Speaker 1 But you do stand-up as well? You do comedy. Is that what it says? She's a comedy fan.
Oh, comedy fan, I say. She is pretty funny.

Speaker 1 I'm very into into comedy i'm very into comedy so i i know a lot of like pretty much all the comedians and everything right

Speaker 1 let's do a little game i'm gonna let's do a rating oh boy one through ten who you like okay theo vaughn one through ten

Speaker 1 who do i like

Speaker 1 no just give me a rating an eight

Speaker 1 eight out of ten is out of ten jess yeah okay brian callen

Speaker 1 yes what what number what number one through ten six what give andrew

Speaker 1 andrew 10 yeah what about bobby

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 What about me? What about Bobby?

Speaker 1 Bobby 10. Okay, we're tense.
We're tense.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'll accept it. I'll take it.
I'll take it. I'll take it.
I'll take it. I'll take it.

Speaker 1 Jess, we love you very much.

Speaker 1 We do appreciate you.

Speaker 1 If anybody wants to see Jessica Kay's anus, you should have a lot of good butt shots on here. Your booty is out there.
Your Twitter is Jessica Kay BDSL. Let me see her face, though.

Speaker 1 Let me see her face. Yeah, she's got very pretty face.
I'll see her face. I don't want to see her asshole.
I can't judge a person by their asshole. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 Very pretty. Very pretty.
Yeah, she's a very pretty face. So go ahead and go on Jessica Kay's Twitter.
And

Speaker 1 she's got great boobs. Are those yours? Those yours, Jess?

Speaker 1 Is that a tattoo or a brand? No, they're fake. They're fake.
They're fake, and that's a tattoo.

Speaker 1 Jessica Kay, I hope you get a lot of new fans from this. You got a super nice butt and a super good personality.
We love you very much.

Speaker 1 I love you guys. Thank you so much.
She was great. She was great.
She was wonderful. Let's rank her asshole.
One through 10.

Speaker 1 We can't show the fans. We're not going to show that.
I'm not going to show you that. That's smut.
What do you think? Honestly. Yeah.
Can you see that, George, on the camera? You can't see that.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. What do you think it is? Her asshole? Yeah.
I think her vagina is an eight. Very nice vagina.
Yeah, yeah. Her asshole is a four.

Speaker 1 See, buttholes are hard for me because I don't like buttholes. Yeah, but I want it all there.
I can't see the fucking muscle or nothing. Because she's put a lot of stuff in there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have an asshole story, but please, please. But I can't say the name.
So what? You can still say the asshole story. You don't have to say the name.
So I was at an A meeting a long time ago

Speaker 1 and I ran to a couple of British bodyguards. British bodyguards.
Yeah. They used to bodyguard old rock stars back in the 80s.
Are they twin brothers? What do you mean? They're just two dudes?

Speaker 1 Two English dudes that used to just be bodyguards for bands in England. Awesome.
You can't name the band? Can you not?

Speaker 1 Fuck. No.
I'll tell you off. I know, but I know.
They want to know. So they took one dude to Thailand, right? It's a big rock star.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he was fucking little boys there. Oh, shit.
I know. That's why I can't say it.
Yuck. It's yucky.
Yeah. So he's fucking underage boys.

Speaker 1 But, so, you know, there's a madame there, and he went in and fucked a boy. And the boy's asshole came out.

Speaker 1 Why is that funny? I'm not, it's not. You laughed, right? Oh, no.
I didn't mean to laugh. And he said to the madame, I don't know if that's true, but he said,

Speaker 1 can I have another one? This one's broken.

Speaker 1 And I want to see you broken.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You can't break it and then claim that I want another one. Can I have another one? This one's broken.
This one's broken.

Speaker 1 I won't tell you off. I'll tell you who it was.
I want to know who it was. Let's call one more person.
All right. I think it's very fun.

Speaker 1 Can I have another one? Why? I wish you could share. If you shared, is that that you think that's, you think that's not okay to do to say who was? It's basically like because

Speaker 1 I tried to Google it

Speaker 1 and nothing came up. And it's just like the Ari thing where it's like the Kobe thing, it's like one incident.
I can't, you know what I mean? I know.

Speaker 1 Call out a guy who ruined his legacy off of one story. I know.

Speaker 1 By the way, side note, did Ari lose something from that? He lost something, right? Did Netflix not going to do something with him? Someone. I know that Aqua left him, like, dumped him.

Speaker 1 He was his commercial agent. I know that I heard his manager might have left him as well.
Really? Yeah. Huh.
But I don't know that for sure, though. Do you want to know? Here's one of your own.

Speaker 1 Here's Albert Choi. He's a Korean? It says Bobby Lee's cousin.

Speaker 1 Is it Andy or Albert? It says Albert Choi.

Speaker 1 I know an Andy Choi. That's my cousin.
But Albert,

Speaker 1 I don't have a cousin named Albert. Liar.
Albert Choi's a liar. Call him it now.
You want to call this liar? Yeah. Okay.
I don't know if you want to call a liar. He's from Southern California.

Speaker 1 But please open it up with an Asian accent, of course, because if you can do it in front of strangers, then I'm okay with it. Yeah, what do you mean? All right, ready? This we're calling Albert Choi,

Speaker 1 who says he's your cousin. Obviously, a lie, but you do have an Andy Choi cousin.
I have 28 first cousins, I might have an Albert. See, let's find out.

Speaker 1 I mean, this, you know, what if this is a long-lost connection that we're making today? Oh, that'd be great because I won't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 I'll have no feelings about it. These people are so afraid to answer, but I get it.
Your call has been forwarded to an audience. Too bad for you, Bub.

Speaker 1 Albert Cho, you're not going to get the phone call. We're going to do just one more of those.
If that'sn't, if that doesn't go through, then too bad.

Speaker 1 Kendall Kavanaugh.

Speaker 1 You think I got Kendall? Kendall? That could be a boy or girl.

Speaker 1 What's your money on? It's a girl. Yeah.
You know why we're doing this? You know why we're calling women instead of men? Because men get all, it's

Speaker 1 enough with men. It's enough.
You've gotten enough. Your whole life were sick of it.
It's also because it's way more fun. Kendall Kavanaugh.
That girl was incredible, Jess. That was one of our

Speaker 1 incredible. This is Kendall Kavanaugh.

Speaker 1 And I'm curious to know, but I'm going to look it up and not say anything.

Speaker 1 These people are scared to answer that random phone. There it is.
Kendall.

Speaker 1 Kendall. Kendall.

Speaker 1 Kendall. Hello.
Hi. Hi, Kendall.
Hello, Kendall.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hi, Kendall.
Hi, Kendall.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? This is Andrew and Bobby Lee. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No, yeah. I'm Albert Choi, and this is.
And I'm Andy Choi. Andy Choi.
We're the Choi brothers.

Speaker 1 Hi, guys. I'm a big fan.
We're big fans of you, Kendall. What are you doing right now?

Speaker 1 Waiting for my pork chops to be done. Oh, my God.
We're vegans. We're vegans.
We don't eat stuff like that.

Speaker 1 That's nasty.

Speaker 1 Kendall, what do you do for a living, Kendall?

Speaker 1 I am a controller for a concrete company. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Kendall.

Speaker 1 Concrete's interesting. Yes, it is.
The whole planet.

Speaker 1 What's the coolest thing about concrete other than that it dries?

Speaker 1 I mean, it holds shit up. That's about it.
It fucking holds shit up.

Speaker 1 So do you, Kendall. We love you because you hold the world together.
You're a controller. What was it? I fucked up.

Speaker 1 What's it called? You're an office. Are you in an office, Kendall? Yeah.
Exactly. I control everything.
Damn. Whoa.
You're kind of like the wizard of Oz. You're the wizard of concrete.

Speaker 1 And you know what? Those brick. You know what the yellow brick road was made out of?

Speaker 1 Brick. Concrete.
Concrete. Concrete.

Speaker 1 Hey, Kendall, you have kids? Yeah. How many? I do not.

Speaker 1 Why not? Zero. Why don't you have any?

Speaker 1 I don't know because I'm 27 and I'm not ready for that. Hell yeah.
Hell yeah. Are you single, Ken? Doll?

Speaker 1 I am not. Even if I can, all my friends do.
Ken. Okay, Ken.
So you're not single. And what does your husband or boyfriend do?

Speaker 1 He works at the concrete company. Of course.
Of course. You like to get out there and reach out.
Yeah, you really want to break out of your comfort zone.

Speaker 1 You really want to really drive yourself to a place where you're going to meet someone differently. I got him the job.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, he must be very happy.

Speaker 1 You gave this guy pussy and a job. You're like the greatest woman on earth.

Speaker 1 He seems to think so. He should because he fucked you.
You're holding his life together without vagina and money. He's not in the office, though, right? He's out there with the concrete.

Speaker 1 Or did you give him an office job? Oh, yeah. He's heavy-duty lately.
Hell yeah, that's him out there sweating. So, let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 When he's out there, he's sweating, he's working hard all day, you're in the office, ticky-tack, typing away on your little computer with your air conditioning unit, comfy as fuck.

Speaker 1 When he comes home at the end of the day from being all sweaty and disgusting and dirty, do you go right?

Speaker 1 Do you guys go right to fucking, or do you make him clean up, or do you like the smell of that concrete still on his body?

Speaker 1 Well, we shower together every day. Yeah, yeah, but you ever suck a sweaty dick because we will.
Do you ever eat his sweaty balls? Have you ever tasted his nuts after he has a long day?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That's awesome. It's like truffle oil.
You guys would love our motto. What?

Speaker 1 Our concrete motto is great start, fantastic finish.

Speaker 1 Is that really? It really is. That's cool.
Very catchy. Well, let me tell you.
It really is. I've got the t-shirts to prove it.
What's the name of the company?

Speaker 1 Marby Olson. Marby Olson.
Great start, fantastic. Last question.
Where do you live, Kendall?

Speaker 1 Petaluma, California. California.
Petaluma. Yeah.
Petaluma.

Speaker 1 Can I tell you how great that is? Has your boyfriend ever shot a nut and said fantastic finish?

Speaker 1 Next time you guys fuck, will you say? He hasn't. No, next time you guys fuck, will you say great start? And as soon as he comes, I want him to come all over and go, fantastic finish.

Speaker 1 Will you do that for us, please? Yeah, I'll do it tonight. Yay!

Speaker 1 Kendall, thank you so much. I want you to say one thing for me.
I want you to say,

Speaker 1 say, I'm Kendall Kavanaugh.

Speaker 1 I love it when

Speaker 1 my boyfriend's sweaty concrete nuts are on my chin. Will you say that?

Speaker 1 All right. I'm Kendall Kavanaugh, and I love

Speaker 1 what, taking a shot for my boyfriend's sweaty nuts. Thank you.
Yeah, you're one of our bad friends. I love you, Kendall.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 I love you guys, too.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 1 She's great. She's fantastic.
Kendall Kavanaugh, what a great, that's a cool name. And also, you know, boyfriend concrete business.
Yeah, I'm not good at that. What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You just did a great job. No, but the whole thing, I just don't know.
I don't know. I'm not good at it.
I think you did a great job. I know.
I'm just telling you right now, man. Ask George.

Speaker 1 I start sweating. No, fuck you, man.
I start sweating. I don't know why.
Why? Because these people don't, these people are not. I don't want to talk to you.
Look at my face, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they want to say hi. Is that what it is? Yeah, they want to say hello and have a normal conversation with you.

Speaker 1 I do that

Speaker 1 after a show. Yeah.
I get really sweaty when I talk to you. You do meet and greets? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you do you do you make people line up and you do photos and shit? Yeah, I mean I was in Nebraska and I had never played that place before Lincoln Omaha.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I I did a meet and greet and you know people have tattoos on their faces, but it's fine and I take photos and

Speaker 1 I don't sell anything. I just like to meet people.
You just like to say hello and take a photo? Sometimes I don't, but you know, when I feel like I haven't been there before, I like to meet them.

Speaker 1 Is it predicated upon whether or not you had a good set? If you have a bad set, will you still? I don't know. I refuse.

Speaker 1 I fucking refuse if i have a bad set i i even say it out loud no i'll even say it on stage i'm not i was gonna i you know i was gonna go out and say hi but no you guys are terrible wait why it's not like it's their fucking fault that you did bad it is their fault why

Speaker 1 do you really believe that that sometimes it's the audience's fault no because it's like you know when you watch um taxi driver Oh, when I'm just watching Taxi Driver randomly.

Speaker 1 Some people will watch Taxi Driver and go, that movie sucks.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I mean. But it's still a good movie.
Do a lot of people think it sucks? There are people that, yeah. I can't watch it.
You don't like it? No, I love it, but like people will say, I can't watch it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I think it's a great movie.

Speaker 1 Let's think of another movie.

Speaker 1 What's a movie that's it? Rise of the Skywalker.

Speaker 1 Okay. Did you see it? No.

Speaker 1 Do you know what it is? I have social reference. I understand what it is.

Speaker 1 I don't like it. I don't like shit like that.
You're right. But a lot of people go, it's a great movie.
What a great franchise. It's not.
It's not. It's just not.
It's not. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So there's nothing you can say.

Speaker 1 It's just not so that's one of those kind of things yeah it's not it's not but i mean what's yeah but i don't like any of that shit you're right maybe my rhythm would be wrong sometimes and maybe it's not their fault it's maybe it's not their fault it's your but your energy is always so good up top your expectations are through the roof yeah it's so funny last night um have you ever done this i did so i'm trying to come up with new shit you're writing new jokes yeah uh-uh yeah are you really yeah so i went to Santa Monica to do Neil Brennan's show.

Speaker 1 Such a good show. Right.
So I have my new shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But the place is packed. I mean, it's not.
It's packed every now. Every time he does that show, yeah, it's sold out, right? Yeah, because Seinfeld went one time.
People

Speaker 1 turned away. Yeah.
And I'm up there and I try a couple of jokes that I know that work. Yeah.
They didn't. What?

Speaker 1 But they're new jokes? No. Some tried and true shit.
Because the thing is, is that... Do you know why? I know why.
Because you should have done new shit. They can tell when it's not new.

Speaker 1 That's not what it is. No? I'll tell you what it was.
Okay. Is I went in with Bobby Lee club energy, and you have to be more inward.
Yes, that's right. You have to be more.

Speaker 1 So I came up like, what's that? You know what I mean? I did that. And I realized, oh, fuck, I'm eating it.

Speaker 1 So then I went inward and I just started talking. And then as soon as I started going into the new stuff,

Speaker 1 places where I thought were going to get laughs weren't. Yeah.
And then I just would just segue right into an old joke. Because you got nervous.
I got nervous.

Speaker 1 And then I went, Bob, you got to try this other thing. And I would try it.
And then I, when I drove home, I had tears. Bob.

Speaker 1 Of just like, you fucking idiot. Why'd you go over there? You know? Why?

Speaker 1 New shit is new shit.

Speaker 1 It's not supposed to work. Those shows aren't supposed to be for like.
No, it's not the fact that I, it's the fact that I bailed on them. Yeah.
I didn't finish them. Oh, you're mad at your delivery.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm mad that I wasn't brave enough to finish the fucking thing that you went over there to fucking do. Well, then you're going to go back and do it again.

Speaker 1 Well, now I'm just like, fuck it, I'm just going to do it at the store.

Speaker 1 No, you have to go back. I am going to go back over there, but tonight I have a show at the store.
Okay. I'm just going to fucking do it.
Yeah, you have to. Yeah, I don't give a fuck.
Can you tell me?

Speaker 1 I know,

Speaker 1 I don't want you to have to share a joke, but will you tell me one of the premises of one of the new jokes that you know works? Like, you said none of them work. I don't.

Speaker 1 Give me one of the premises of the new joke. Well,

Speaker 1 there's a story. It's a story.
What? Well, because, you know, Khalil has been calling me pussy all the time. Yeah, you are a pussy.

Speaker 1 Go ahead.

Speaker 1 The reason why she called me a pussy is because a month ago, we heard a noise in our house in the backyard. Freaked out.
And she goes, you check out there. And I go, no, you.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. And then she goes, you're a pussy, right? Yeah.
So then... This actually happened.
I was at a check caching place. Why are you at a check caching? Like a fucking check advance place?

Speaker 1 No, I go to a check cashing place for money. You don't go to a bank? I have a bank too.
Why do you go to a check cashing place? Shadow money.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? I have shadow money. So what do you do? You go to a check cashing place and you cash it? Right.
How much do they charge you to do that? I don't care. Can I tell you?

Speaker 1 Do you know you can go to your bank and have them cash it and just get the cash? I don't want to even do that. I do the cash check, cash checking place.

Speaker 1 You know, you can just go to your bank. I want to go to cash checking place.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So

Speaker 1 I was at the cash checking place.

Speaker 1 And there was a Mexican lady in front of me, and she was wearing a dress. Okay.
And some Mexican guy next to her was, hey, baby, nice dress.

Speaker 1 And she didn't say anything. So then he starts going aggro, right? He's like, I said, nice fucking dress.
Yeah, bitch. She goes, hey, nice dress, bitch.
She didn't say nothing.

Speaker 1 I told you, fucking stuck up, bitch. And she started going aggro.
And I just like, because of this, all this pussy shit. Yeah.
I'm like, I got a man up. You do?

Speaker 1 I have to fucking fight for defenseless people.

Speaker 1 so i look at him you know like how do you know she was defenseless by the way because she's you can tell she was scared she was scared yeah okay so i look at the guy like stop doing this and he looks at me then and he goes what are you looking at bro and i go pretty good

Speaker 1 So I'm going to tell that story. Yeah, that's a good story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good.
I said, pretty good. And then I just kind of clammed up and I just looked on the ground.

Speaker 1 Do you ever say I don't speak English? Have you ever done that? Has someone ever gotten aggro with you and you've been been like, oh, that, no, no, no English. No, but I do do a character.

Speaker 1 Like I have some sort of

Speaker 1 like social anxiety. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 I'll go,

Speaker 1 I don't know. Like I'll do that.
Yeah. But I won't do, you know.
You won't do no English to him. Yeah.
When people say shit like, you know, like I'll have people say random, like racist shit.

Speaker 1 Do you really? Yeah. And I'll.
Like being serious? No, they do it to try to start a conversation. Give me an example.
Like I'll be at an airport. This actually happened.

Speaker 1 I was sitting there waiting for board. And this, like, Texan kind of an older man sat next to me.

Speaker 1 And he's going on, Google Look. Yeah.
And he just kept looking at me. And maybe he recognized me.
I don't know. Yeah.
But he wanted to start a conversation. Right.

Speaker 1 You look like someone people want to talk to. I don't know.
You do. But so he, instead of saying, hey, man, I'm a big fan of your work.

Speaker 1 Hey, where you going? You going, you know, whatever. Right.
He just said, my daughter loves Hello Kitty.

Speaker 1 That's how we fucking opened it. Yeah, but that's a bond experience.
No, but so then I go, um,

Speaker 1 well, I didn't invent it. Maybe he thinks you might have.
No. You kind of look like the creator of Hello Kitty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my point is, is that people will do all kinds of stuff. It's like...
Was he trying to be funny or trying to be funny? No, no, no. He was just trying to like, he didn't smile.

Speaker 1 He was just like, hey, man, my daughter loves what you guys do. Hello kitty.
And I understand it's not racist. He's trying to just start a conversation.
No, it's racist.

Speaker 1 You think so? Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? How is that not racist? It's the same thing as when people go.
Are you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt? No.

Speaker 1 Well, then it's fucking racist. Or it's like when people start like, I'll get, you don't know that we have to go through this, but people always go, you're Korean? Sometimes they'll say, I go, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they guess. Yeah.
Yeah, my best friend Toby Joe was Korean in high school. Right.
And that's the same thing. It's like, what the fuck? I don't know, Toby.
Yeah, who cares? Bitch?

Speaker 1 But I do that all the time.

Speaker 1 Ethnic people? I go up to Asians and I go, hey, you Japanese? And they go, no, I'm Korean. I go, I know.
My best friend's Bobby Lee. He's Korean.

Speaker 1 Do you get that? White people don't go through that, huh? No, most whites don't go through. But like, I get the red-headed joke thing that's so annoying and hacky.
Right. I do.
The amount of hacky.

Speaker 1 Do I do it too much? No, you're my friend. You can do it as much as you want.

Speaker 1 It's just like me doing the Asian voice to you is hacky, but it's funny because we do it together to each other.

Speaker 1 But people in public think it's funny.

Speaker 1 George probably gets made fun of for looking just how he fucking looks. Yeah.
But like I have, the red hair.

Speaker 1 Because if you're going to be white, don't be like that. Don't be a bluch white.
Yeah, yeah. Bluch white.
Yeah, you like chose the one.

Speaker 1 I looked up bluch in the dictionary, and George's

Speaker 1 face was there. No, no, most whites, right? They don't deal with anything like that.

Speaker 1 Typically, yes, but sometimes people fucking do this hacky.

Speaker 1 Hey, is the curtain match the drapes?

Speaker 1 Oh, and what do you do? How do you respond? I can't imagine you responding in a lot of types of ways. Honestly, do it to me right now.
Literally,

Speaker 1 this happened to me. I'm not kidding.
Amen. At a bar.
So I'm at a bar. Go ahead.
Amen. Hey.
Does the curtain match the drapes?

Speaker 1 I swear to God.

Speaker 1 I don't say anything. I stare and make them uncomfortable.
And then they go, I dude. I just was fucking around.
And they don't know what to do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, like, I'll get someone who'll say like,

Speaker 1 like a girl, like a drunk girl, right? There was a drunk girl in Vegas and she was like spilling at the at the table.

Speaker 1 And I and I remember I turned to her and I go, lady, come on, man, get it together. Like she's spilling on the fucking, and the, and the, the, the pit boss had to go, ma'am, please move.

Speaker 1 She, they think she's with fucking me. So now I'm like, I, this is, no, she just blacked out.
Yeah, yeah. She's spilling on the table.
And she, and I go, lady, come on. Hey, come on.

Speaker 1 You're fucking bumping into people. Like, I'm trying to be nice to her when I say it.
And she goes, shut the fuck up, fire crotch. Oh, fire crotch.
What'd you do? I beat the shit out of her.

Speaker 1 No, no, what'd you do? No, I beat the shit out of her. I choked her, and I fucked up.
I beat the shit. No, yeah.
Nothing.

Speaker 1 I didn't respond at all. What am I going to say? Would you think about it when you leave? When I was a kid, I used to get defensive and fistfight people because that's how that happened.

Speaker 1 But as an adult, I don't have any patience because I know she's a fucking moron. Like, I know she's a fucking moron.

Speaker 1 It's worth not even worth my time. I get like, I get submissive.

Speaker 1 like one time i was that's why kalila saying don't be a pussy because she's she's training you to not be not let someone step on you right i was in a chinese restaurant i'm not fucking kidding you and i'm going to the bathroom yeah and some guy just goes where's the soy sauce shut up or some sauce yeah give me so hey where's soy sauce like i worked there yeah and you know what i did i got it i got him it

Speaker 1 i went and got it and i put it on his table yeah well he's like thank you you did know where it was

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 but i do that but here's the one i regret Yeah.

Speaker 1 Is

Speaker 1 I was in Nashville. Love Nashville.
I love it too. And I was at a barbecue place with my friend Marissa, who she knows.
Tome. Marissa Tomey, the actress.
No. But she's this cute white girl.

Speaker 1 She's a friend, you know. We're having dinner.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And some

Speaker 1 probably six foot eight, probably a 70-year-old man wearing a leather.

Speaker 1 Six foot eight, 70-year-old? Yeah, just this giant, gigantic man. He was with his family.
And he comes comes up beside me and he puts his hands around me. Well, I'm talking to my friend.
He goes, son,

Speaker 1 pull up your pants. And you know what I did? To you? Yeah.
I went, sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I did that like a fucking bitch.
Like a child. Yeah, I should have went, hey, dude, don't fucking touch me, bro.
Yeah, do not fucking touch me. Don't fucking touch me.

Speaker 1 And also, you should have taken your pants off. You should have Bobby Lee the shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You should have doubled down.
But I'm no longer, I'm not going to do that anymore. Why?

Speaker 1 No, I'm no longer going to be be submissive like i'm not gonna know because i think about it way too fucking much like it kind of i like lay in bed sometimes and i'll think about that one incident yeah because that because you need to stand up for yourself that's what it is okay here let's play a scenario right yeah you're you're out you're with uh you're with you're with um not kalila because that's too good it's got to be somebody who's uh somebody who works for you like like gilbert okay i'm with gilbert okay you're out with gilbert yeah right gilbert's kind of he's a very nice guy he's a little quiet but he's he also is very like, he commands, right?

Speaker 1 You guys are at like Cafe 101. Okay.
Ready? And then you're sitting there with Gilbert. Just, you know, be talking to Gilbert about something.
God, your face is so flat today.

Speaker 1 That's something I would say. I know, I know, keep going.
Yeah, yeah. She's like, what do you mean? I know.
It's just like he did a 100-yard dash in a 90-yard gym.

Speaker 1 But like, I hit a wall that fast. Yeah.
Hey. Yo, what's up? You, Bobby Lee? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't like your comedy at all. Okay.
Nice to hear, man. Okay, well, you're also in my fucking booth.

Speaker 1 I sit there. So get out of my fucking booth.
No. Get out of my fucking booth.
Okay, let's go, Gilbert.

Speaker 1 I said, well, no, once. But you did say no once.
The first time, but the second time. Well, after that, you don't want to fight this guy for me.
Why would you do it that way, you fucking asshole?

Speaker 1 You got so aggressive, right up.

Speaker 1 That would never happen. All right, let's do a normal.
Let's do a normal. That would never be real about it.
I'll be very real. Ready? Okay.
I'm with Gilbert again?

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here's the situation. You pulled into a gas station.
Yeah, yeah. And we're both kind of waiting for a pump.

Speaker 1 You kind of snuck in there before me, but technically it's yours. Okay.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? Yeah. Okay.
Okay, ready? You get out of your car.

Speaker 1 Go ahead with Gilbert.

Speaker 1 So Gilbert, did you

Speaker 1 used to drive a steam roller and you fell off and your head got that way?

Speaker 1 No, man. All right.
Well, I'm going to pump gas.

Speaker 1 Hey, bro. Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 I was here too. I was waiting for this spot.
You literally just swooped in front of me and took over the pump. Actually, my car was a little ahead of yours, and you know that I was in front of you.

Speaker 1 You weren't in front of me, and I think what you're doing is fucking rude. All right, dude, how much is gas for you?

Speaker 1 To fill up my car? Yeah. It's about $285.
Here you go. You're just going to give me your money? Yeah.
Shut the fuck up. Really? Shut your fucking poor face up.
My gas is $800.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't. Is that $280? Yeah, well, you already paid, you fucking dumb idiot.
I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 1 Bruce, rewind a little bit, ready? Yeah, go ahead. Hey, man.
No, seriously, you did cut me off. Like, I want you to apologize to me for that.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Bob!

Speaker 1 All right, do it again, do it again, do it again. Bob! Do it again, do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Hey, man.

Speaker 1 You stole my pump. I was here first.

Speaker 1 Relax, dude. I was ahead of you, and

Speaker 1 the nozzle's already in my car. I'm pumping already.
Okay, well, I want you to take out the nozzle, cancel your credit card. I'm not doing that, dude.
I was here. I don't give a fuck.
Call the cops.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck. You know what? What? I want to call the cops.
Call them. You're not going to say sorry for cutting me off? I will not say sorry.
To the end of my life, I won't. What's your name?

Speaker 1 Dominic. Dominic what? Cruz.

Speaker 1 The actor? No, the MMA fighter. The MMA fighter, Dominic Cruz.

Speaker 1 That's you? Yeah. You're the shit, dude.
Thank you. Who's that ugly flatface kid in the car? That's a tiki statue I got from Hawaii.

Speaker 1 Let me see how you would handle it. That dude, you did.

Speaker 1 Let me see how you would handle it. Yeah, go ahead.
All right.

Speaker 1 Hey, dude, that's my fucking pump, right? Fuck off.

Speaker 1 See, that's good. Yeah.
Don. Because you have a physique, though.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're...

Speaker 1 Do you have. Let me handle it how I really would.
Let's do it for real. Yeah, yeah.
Here you go. I'm pumping.

Speaker 1 Okay, but I'm going to tell you who it is. Yeah, go ahead.
I'm LeBron James.

Speaker 1 Okay. I got to get there in my head.
Okay, yeah, I'm there. Ready? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yo, man. Yo, man.
Yo. I was ahead of you, dude.
It's like, remove that nozzle. I'm going to park where that is, and you're going to back up because that's my slot.

Speaker 1 Michael Jordan's the greatest basketball player of all time.

Speaker 1 Yo, dude.

Speaker 1 Really good.

Speaker 1 That would shut him up. Yeah, he would laugh.
He'd probably laugh. Yeah, that would be.
If you made a joke, he would laugh. Wow.
Or punch me. Either way, I'm getting fucking paid.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Knock me out, LeBron. Knock me the fuck.
That's the best thing. How about you do it? You do it, but you're Kevin Bacon.
I'm Kevin Bacon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You're Kevin Bacon.
Let me try. Yeah, yeah.
Why am I doing this?

Speaker 1 That is a bacon-y thing to do.

Speaker 1 It's very foot-loosey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was in Footloose, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, here you go, ready. You're at the pump.
I'm Kevin Bacon. Hey, man, you took my spot.
I was at that pump before you. Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, I wish that you had died and not Bill Paxton.

Speaker 1 I am dead.

Speaker 1 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Bill Paxton's alive. Bill Paxton died.
Did he?

Speaker 1 Holy shit.

Speaker 1 This is bad. How do we not know this? I know this.
Is Kevin Bacon dead? Kevin Bacon's alive. No, he died.
No, Kevin Bacon's alive.

Speaker 1 But by the way. Bill Paxton.
Yeah, Socy Bacon. Bill Paxton's a lot.
Died. Yeah, Socy Bacon, which is a tiger belly

Speaker 1 been on our podcast. I love her and I love her dad.
That was just

Speaker 1 kidding around. I'm just kidding scenario.

Speaker 1 We're allowed to joke around. I love you and I want you to live forever.
Why Bill Paxton? Why did he pass away? What did he die from?

Speaker 1 He had an operation that went wrong? Oh, my God. Bill Paxton, this is crazy.
Yeah. Bill Paxton died.
I can't believe you don't know he died.

Speaker 1 He died in 2017 after running into a tiny little Asian man at a gas station and an argument ensued. After the argument, Paxton drove away and died of a stroke.
Dude, you fucking killed Bill Paxton.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Boo-boo.

Speaker 1 It's crazy that he died. I mean, what a great.

Speaker 1 He was so incredible. Yeah.
I'm really annoyed that I didn't know he was dead. I apologize.
That was my fucking fault. Did you not know he? I thought you were still doing a joke.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't doing a bit about that part. The Kevin Bacon part, I knew he was alive.
I was just joking around. Yeah, yeah.
But I didn't know that Bill Paxton passed away. People die, and I do.

Speaker 1 I forget. Don't you forget sometimes? No, name me somebody that's dead, and I'll tell you if he is or not.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 I'll name a bunch of people that

Speaker 1 there's got to be a website called People You Didn't Know Were Dead.

Speaker 1 That should be a good thing. Yeah, but then try to mix in people that are still alive, and I can tell you.
Okay, Betty White. Alive.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah? Yep. She is.

Speaker 1 Val Kilmer. Alive.

Speaker 1 Hold on. on

Speaker 1 What's the girl w uh um

Speaker 1 what's what's the girl's name from Star Wars?

Speaker 1 What's her name? She's dead. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're not good at this. Okay, okay, okay, hold on.
This is this is a website. Yeah, yeah.
All right, here we go. Uh Brittany Murphy.
Dead.

Speaker 1 Okay. Um let me name

Speaker 1 don't look at the screen. I wanna name you one.
Okay. Tara Reed.

Speaker 1 Dead? Alive. She's alive.
Fuck. She's so bad at this.
Okay, okay, okay. How about

Speaker 1 Harold Ramos?

Speaker 1 Dead. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Let's see. Another one of these.
How about...

Speaker 1 Because I knew him. Oh, you did? Yeah.
Wow, he was fucking one of the greats. How about Michael Clark Duncan? Dead.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 Rowdy Roddy Piper. Dead.
We knew him. He was at the store.
He's not there anymore. You know what? I just realized this website is actors that are dead.

Speaker 1 You have to mix in people that you think. Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. What is this? Ooh, this is great.
Okay, here's some lists.

Speaker 1 This is really good.

Speaker 1 Angela Lansberry.

Speaker 1 Dead.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 Drew Carey. Alive.
Nope. Dead.
Drew Carey's not dead. He's alive.
Yes, he is. No, he's not.
Willie Nelson.

Speaker 1 Willie Nelson

Speaker 1 is alive. He's dead.
Is he really? He's dead. Fuck.
He died. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, is he alive? Yeah. Yeah, he's alive.

Speaker 1 Be on it. What up? I'm doing it.

Speaker 1 Dick Cheney.

Speaker 1 Alive.

Speaker 1 He's dead. Is Dick Cheney dead? He's not.
He's alive. He's alive.

Speaker 1 I'm not playing this game. Why? It's fun.

Speaker 1 All right. Carl Reiner.

Speaker 1 Carl Reiner died. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 David Attenborough.

Speaker 1 Ooh, dead.

Speaker 1 He's dead.

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Dead.

Speaker 1 If you were dead,

Speaker 1 you would be the fucking worst ghost of all time. You would be the shittiest ghost.
Oh, it would be great. Because you'd walk around going,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you.
You're really good at knowing how many people are dead, but it's funny because I don't think you would know celebrities. Yeah.
If you, okay, if you died, yeah,

Speaker 1 and you got to visit your funeral,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And if I didn't go because I know you won't go. If I didn't go because I had to do Magnum PI or something.

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 What would that rage you?

Speaker 1 Are you fucking serious? No, that would put you in a rage. I would haunt, I would haunt you, Kalila.
I would haunt everyone you're associated with for the...

Speaker 1 Because I have to work, you fuck.

Speaker 1 Work?

Speaker 1 You call Magnum P.I. work.

Speaker 1 I know what you do. You go out there and you drink coconuts.

Speaker 1 You don't do shit. I know.
If you didn't show up to my fucking funeral and I saw it, I would be so fucked up. Is there any excuse that you would have for me, though? Yeah.
What?

Speaker 1 Something with your family. No,

Speaker 1 if something bad happened to Steve or your mom,

Speaker 1 then I'd excuse it. Okay, if I died, right? Yeah.
And you, let's say steven you got a steven spielberg movie yeah and you're you you have a scene with uh

Speaker 1 julia roberts and tom hardy okay right and it's only i don't even mean julia roberts in it just tom hardy i like yeah tom hardy you just have it's one day in new zealand right it's an epic scene right

Speaker 1 and if you don't make it you're not on the movie if you're not there right i if you missed my fucking funeral i'd be okay with that here's the deal though here's the best part i would go to the funeral and be able to get on a plane and fly to New Zealand because you go back in time when you go down there.

Speaker 1 Wow. That's smart.
Or is it forward? Fuck, I don't know. Whatever.
Is it backward down there? But regardless of what it is,

Speaker 1 I would do both. No, even if you couldn't, let's say you couldn't.
I would do your funeral.

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 you mean more to me than fucking that. I would not do the same for you.
You fuck. I really wouldn't.
What? Yeah, I would.

Speaker 1 It's a big deal. I wouldn't be able to do it.
But one day. Look at it like this.
It's one day in a movie where you're insignificant as fuck. Tom Hardy, megastar, hot guy, awesome, cool.

Speaker 1 We'll steal the movie. And who is the other person? Julia Roberts? Okay, first of all, they would never be in a movie together.

Speaker 1 Second of all, she's the fucking, she's a shining star, brilliant, beautiful person. Your one day couldn't be a substantial role, so it means nothing.

Speaker 1 You'll be just another little fart, poo-poo, nugget, dumpling character that they threw to you. And it wouldn't mean anything to the movie.

Speaker 1 Would you be mad if they didn't put your name on the comedy store awning for at least a day? Livid.

Speaker 1 I would be fucking... If I didn't get a Make God Laugh sign on the Laugh Factory and a R.I.P.
in the store, livid. You know what I would be living at? Huh? If Jamie put Make God a Raff.

Speaker 1 I would be like, my gosh, I would not think it was funny. If people would think it was funny, if it said Make a God a Raff,

Speaker 1 Make a God a Raff,

Speaker 1 it would infuriate me. Oh my God.
You know what? I'm going to save money. I'm putting that.

Speaker 1 I'm putting that on a tombstone for you.

Speaker 1 Make a God a Raff. Yeah.
But like, yeah, I would have to be in the awnings. Yeah.
For how many days, though? That's That's the point. Yeah.
So some people got a whole week.

Speaker 1 Some people get more than week. How did Brody get? What did Brody get? Brody got more than a week.
I think Brody got a substantial amount of time. Like seven days.
Well, that'd be just a week. Oh.

Speaker 1 I just said just more than.

Speaker 1 I think he got over a week. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 How about this two days and you're out? Would that be mad? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Two days? Monday, Tuesday? It's open fucking micers.

Speaker 1 I want the people to be able to. Or how about that? Friday, Saturday, your weekend.
Yeah, that's good. Just two days.

Speaker 1 But then in La Jolla? No, no La Jolla. No, I want to be in La Jolla too.

Speaker 1 For Friday and Saturday. Yeah.
I want Lao. And then on one side, it should say the headliner's name.
On the other side, it should say, but really, rest in peace, Andrewson.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty dark. How about this? How about this? This is good.
This is really sad and weird and fucked up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If

Speaker 1 when you're dead, when you're dead and gone. Yeah.
And if you ghost to the memorial that they have at the comedy store for you,

Speaker 1 if you found out certain people were there that attended your funeral that you don't like, how would you feel then?

Speaker 1 You know who I'm thinking about. A couple of people.

Speaker 1 You can name them. I don't give a fuck.
Okay, there's a chunk of people that you know that we both know you don't like. If they showed up, how would you feel about them now?

Speaker 1 There's a couple of people that politically they have to. Who? Who's political? Who's political? If they would just, to save face, they would show up.
Yeah, okay, okay. I know what you mean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Because I'll be honest with you, when Freddy Soto died, right? Yeah.
He didn't like me. Why didn't Freddy like you? We just had a beef for some reason.
Comedy-wise?

Speaker 1 yeah like I don't think you're funny type no it wasn't that it was something else but I don't want to get into that but um

Speaker 1 but I had no problem I loved Freddy yeah he just didn't like me yeah right so but I showed up anyway you did I sat in the very you know where the back the main room is yeah and when they showed his baby photos because you know how they that's bullshit they that is that makes you it makes you cry as soon as the baby photo of Freddy I literally burst in tears where and nobody wanted me there because this is when Eleanor hated me and all these people hated me why did did Eleanor hate you?

Speaker 1 Oh, she didn't talk to me for 17 years. You know that, right? Why? I mean, I know, but why didn't she? I thought you guys just didn't get along.
Because of Freddy. Oh, that's it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I thought there was a thing that happened. I ratted them out.

Speaker 1 I ratted people out. I'm a rat.
What did you rat them out for? It's a long story. All right, don't tell it.

Speaker 1 I could tell you.

Speaker 1 Tell it. All right.
I'll tell you. Tell it.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Freddy didn't like me. Yeah, we got that.
And Freddy was very big at the comedy store at the time. Yeah, he was.
And Eleanor was the talent coordinator.

Speaker 1 They were best friends. Freddie's girlfriend, Princess Corey, was also a talent coordinator, right? And I wasn't getting spots.

Speaker 1 Right. So I would call in, and then somebody told me that, oh, they're not even giving Mitzi the Euroveils.
Oh, shit. Right.
So I started getting paranoid. Right.
As you do. As I do, right?

Speaker 1 And I was also working there as a doorman. So I would just sit there a week on with just no spot.

Speaker 1 So then what happened was Polly goes, dude, Kirk's back.

Speaker 1 And Kirk is a Thai man,

Speaker 1 and he's like very pull potty. Yeah, if you show up one minute late, you're fired, never come back.
Like he was one of those guys, I love that, right? Yeah, but Kirk would go to me, you want to go up?

Speaker 1 Right? He loved you. Yeah, I go, now, prime spot, yeah, you can do whatever you want with me.
He loved you. He loved me.
So he would just put me up. That's so wonderful.
It's so wonderful.

Speaker 1 But everyone hated him. Well, yeah.
All the waitresses hated him. Everyone in the club hated him.
Okay. So then they did a,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? A,

Speaker 1 what do you call it? A form where everyone's signed. A sign-up sheet? No, to go to Mitzi.
It's like a

Speaker 1 petition. Thank you.
Thank you, George. A petition.
Thank you. Yeah, but also shut the fuck up.
Yeah, yeah. It was a little too loud and aggressive about it.
But yeah.

Speaker 1 So they did a petition, right, to get to fire Kirk. Oh, shit.
Right. And I, some, somebody gave me the petition.
Sign it. Okay, I'm not signed.
This is the only reason why I'm getting spots. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they go, and Paulie can't know that we're doing this because Kirk's Pauli's guy. Right.
Right? Right. So the first thing I do is call Paul.
100%. Right.
Call Paulie. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I go, yeah, and Eleanor and they're doing a petition and they're trying to get a corporate. That's how he said it.
Kirk, and

Speaker 1 they're talking shit behind your your back. Like your little kid off the bottom.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And

Speaker 1 this is

Speaker 1 an abomination. Right.
And Pop McDid, really, bro? Hell out. Right, so he goes and he wreaks havoc.
Wow. But then he goes, Bobby call me.

Speaker 1 Baby, come me. That's all I mean.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden, just sheer rat.

Speaker 1 I was a rat. You're a rat.
That's a rat. No, I'm not.
That's not a rat. That's not a cockroach.
Right. You never die.
Right. Rats die.
Yeah, you don't die. Cockroaches don't.
You stayed along.

Speaker 1 You've held on for the longest. Listen to me.
All you fucking young guys, right, that talk shit behind my back, right? They say that, oh, you know, he's old. You know what I mean? He's not relevant.

Speaker 1 All this shit. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'm the new shit.
I know it's in my head, but I believe that.

Speaker 1 Literally nobody says that. But I'm just saying, if you are doing it, remember, right? I am a cockroach.
I don't go nowhere. You know?

Speaker 1 So anyway, what happened was Kirk, they found out and he stayed on for a while. He still kept the job.
But man, that fucked it up with me, Corey, Eleanor, and Freddie real bad. Damn.
For a long time.

Speaker 1 And then after 17 years. After Freddie died, it changed.

Speaker 1 No, it got even worse. But you and Eleanor are good now.
Because one day, I don't know what happened. This only happened two years ago.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah, a year and a half.

Speaker 1 I guess I've never had a moment. Do you remember what happened? When I knew George, Eleanor hated me.
I've just never been in the same room with you two. Yeah, because I would avoid her.
Right.

Speaker 1 But you you avoid a lot of people at the store. Not that you dislike them.
There's just a lot of people who you just avoid. So I just assumed that to be natural.
But one day we were, it was so weird.

Speaker 1 I was downstairs

Speaker 1 and there was a bunch of people down there and I'm just talking to people and I turn and Eleanor's right there.

Speaker 1 And I couldn't get away because people were like, and she just said, do my podcast.

Speaker 1 And I go, okay. You said yes.
And then that next week we did it and it was squashed. See, people grow.
People change. You know, when RA beat the shit out of me all those times,

Speaker 1 and I literally adamantly was like, I will forever hate him.

Speaker 1 And one day it just passed. Things change.

Speaker 1 You know, you just let things fly by and let things simmer down and things will change. Don't react violently.
You know, just, you know. Well, if it's necessary, you have to.

Speaker 1 You have to do what you have to do. Yeah, but so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was a huge thing for me. It's a big step.
Yeah, Corey still doesn't talk to me.

Speaker 1 Who? Princess Corey.

Speaker 1 I don't know who that is. Freddie's wife, that was the channel coordinator.
Oh, sorry. She still doesn't talk to me.
Well, do you want to call her? No.

Speaker 1 No, no. We called a lot of people.

Speaker 1 She would have to come up to me and go, let's just squash it. But I'm not going to say anything.

Speaker 1 Well, maybe

Speaker 1 we should reach out to her sometime. Do you want to do that? No.
All right.

Speaker 1 All right. You want to look into the camera and sign off and say goodbye to the kids? Did we do enough? I think we did a good job.
How long? I don't know. We did some good time.
How long did we do?

Speaker 1 Don't keep asking how long we did. I want to know.
How long do we do? Over 120.

Speaker 1 That's great. Yeah, that's over 120.
That's good.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 we're slowly making more moves in this thing.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. Signing off.
No, no.

Speaker 1 We look in the camera, and this is the main one, and we say, thank you for being our bad friend.

Speaker 1 Remember, hold on. Ready? Don't, first of all, please.
Hold on. Don't talk to me like that.
Robert, hold on. Okay.

Speaker 1 Ready? Please don't. Thank you.
What is it again? Thank you for being our bad friend. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being our bad friend. Well, don't fuck it up.
You fucked it up. Thank you for being.
No, no, just let me count it in. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being our bad friend. That was good.