Fat Skinny Eyes

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Hey, bad friends, I am so excited to announce that this weekend, December 6th, in Los Angeles at LA Valley College, I am putting together the first annual Ho-Ho Homers, a home run derby event for Southern California Special Olympics.

I would love to see you out there from noon to 4. Come and donate.
There's crazy silent auction items, autograph jerseys, all sorts of merch, tickets, events.

You can win a foursome to play golf with me at Sherwood Country Club in beautiful Thousand Oaks, California. Please come out and see us December 6th, LA Valley College.

If you are out of the LA area, you just want to donate and support Southern California Special Olympics, go to the link that's in the description down below. It's sosc.org slash hohohomers.

We'll put the link down below. But happy holidays and hope to see you there.
Hey, guess what, guys? We have new merchants check this shirt out. I love this shirt because this is when I almost died.

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Grab one today for the holiday season for you, your family, your friends. Who cares? Get one.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com.

Badfriendsmerch.com. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

We're bad friends.

Why are you making fun of fanny packs? You know, you know,

Yoshinobu Yamamoto of the Dodgers is big into bags. Do you know about this? Yeah.
Look at his bag collection. This is the new thing.
Asian men with bags is a huge.

That's why I'm into it because I'm an Asian man. I like bags.
Look at the bag I got. Let me see your bag.

Okay, so I come in here and Andreas, our producer. Andreas.
Andreas. Andreas.
Andres. Right? I call him Andreas when he's acting like that.

Take him back a peg. Yeah.
He picks up my bag

and he starts prancing around the the podcast room. Like, look at me.
You know what I mean? I gay. You know what I mean? And I went.

And I, listen,

as a man, as an Asian man,

I love bags. You do love bags.
Yeah. Could you carry a purse, do you think?

That's not a joke. No.
Many men are carrying things. This is a purse.
No, that's a fanny pack. But I have everything and you want to see what's in it? Let's see.
Open up your purse.

Okay.

So we got notes.

Joke notes. Joke, joke notes.

My phone. Okay, yeah, you need that.
And then,

checks it out. Cologne.
Gotta have it. Gotta have it.
Gotta smell good. Right?

And then what's, I have side pockets, too. Hold on.
Let's go in the side pocket here. That's like my wife's.
Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Neutrodrema, acne patches.
Acne patches are useful. Yeah, very useful.
We need all this stuff. And that's pretty much all that's in it.
An AirPod. Yep.
A lighter. Yep.

And a Listerine thing for my breath. All this stuff adds up.
Yeah. You're a single person.
But now you stick that shit in your pocket? No way.

Actors are, what is that? Across Asia, why are more men carrying women's handbags? Exactly. I'm telling you, it's becoming a new thing.
Look at these are both men with very nice handbags. Yeah.

They don't want to have sex anymore.

I think it's the new thing. Yeah.
And by the way, that's not true because their birth rate is through the roof, these guys. They can't stop.
Maybe this will slow it down. Yeah, yeah.

This is a population stopper. now that's too far what why

when there's a thing where you actually carry it with your hand i don't think i could go to that level you're saying it's okay if it goes straight

strap because because i don't i don't do this around my waist you know i mean i do this thing

Where it's like

nonchalant is like nonchalant

around the shoulder. So it's almost like a backpack.
It's like a sidebag. It's like a side bag.

And then sometimes I'm at the airport and I have my backpack, right? Clip the backpack, and I put this in the front like this. Oh, a front pack, like a front pack.

So I have a backpack and a front pack, right? And I don't know why you're laughing so hysterically right now, my friend, because you're about to get it.

I mean, it does look, it looks comfortable, it looks nice. Yeah, yeah.
It's a fashion item as well. It's a fashion item.

It's one more piece. It's a piece.
Yeah, and it's Iron Heart, which they do great jeans. Look at this man.

Fine African-American man. Black man.
You're so afraid to say black guy for a second. Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at this fine

man. There's LeBron.
LeBron with a bag? Always with the Louis. But that's a, but that's a duffel bag.
That's a different thing.

Duffles are their own category. That's a purse.
Yeah, well, to tell me the difference between a duffel bag and a purse, then. Okay, look.
A duffel bag is a male.

Look at that. I know.
Do you even know who that is?

Tyler the Creators. Sure.

Here's my logic. A duffel bag is a man's bag that is little purse-leaning.
A fanny pack can be a man's bag that is a little femme-leaning. And then if you have a purse, there's a straight-up purse.

Harry Styles with a purse. Yeah.

And that's a little, that's very femme. That's very femme.
You're in the middle. You're bi.
A fanny pack is bi. Okay, it's bi.
You're by. Okay, I'm bi.

We know. Fashion-wise.
Well,

there's a transference of life. Yeah.
Your bags are your life. Yeah.
Fashion is life. Is it not? I'm not bisexual.
All right. But anyway, who's this? Jacob Alardi, but Jacob Alardi.
Oh, my God.

Look at that. Well, look at, look at it.
And now, let me say that. You pick up that yellow bag that JJ J.
Gabelar's and do you do it in front of him. He'll rip you.

He'll stretch you out. JJ Gebelar? That's so gay to say that, though.
What? Rip and stretch you out? I'm talking about his butthole.

Yeah. He will rip, stretch.
Your butthole will look like the Joker's mouth in like two minutes.

Stitches the whole thing, dude. All right.
Watch your fucking face. I apologize.
All right. Look up Yoshinobu Yamamoto's bag collection.

This guy, for the Dodgers, he's got one of the most iconic bags. People, people

here we go, shopping again. Post about him all the time.
Yeah, go to all. Go to all.

We're just on images, not even shopping. There you go.
Just do his bag collection. There's got to be a video about it.
What about his bag?

Let's go through some of them. And now, this guy doing the announcements, he's not gay.

Yeah. Turquoise.
Retailing at $11,600.

Made from calf leather with cow hide trim. His teammate Kike also has one.
Aw, twins. Then we have the Chanel 22.
This is a bat. That's a purse.

In a shiny calf skin. I tried this on in a burgundy.
Major regret not getting it. This is very chic on him.
The Chanel doesn't stop there. He's also a lover of a curve.
You're also very chic.

Yeah. I want him to do what?

Why am I again? And I can't. And Bobby Lee.
And Bobby Lee has an iron heart. It says engineers on it.
It's very

leather, right? Shake. Shake.

And

it really goes with his torso. It does.
Yeah. It's almost like it's an attachment to his own body, like a limb.
That's right. Yeah.

It's interesting because you've lost weight now, so you're putting on more things.

Yeah.

You know, you need more stuff on you. Also, I have,

I still have fat eyes.

No, you don't. No, what I'm saying.
Some would argue you have

very

skinny eyes.

Very thinny. Very good.
Yeah.

I don't mean it in that sense. I don't either.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

That's good. I'm sorry.
You have skinny eyes. You have skinny eyes.
Yeah, very skinny eyes. I would say I have medium eyes.
Medium eyes. But when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see a fat guy.

See, will that ever go away, do you think? I don't know, but

I'll do bends and see where the fat is and go, I got to lose that. You know what I mean? See, this is the problem that they say.

You continually move the goalposts. You lost a lot of weight.
Now you still want to to lose more when does it end until i look like karen carpenter oh my god

yeah yeah body dysmorphia that's what we body dysmorphia that's what it is a mental health condition where a person uh spends a lot of time worrying about their flaws and their appearances but you don't have many flaws i have a flat ass

no i think you have tiny little bumps in it too i don't know why those are uh the dimples in your tush yeah the little dimples do you have dimples i have dimples yeah yeah and they're my favorite on when you you're on yours you're my that's my favorite place to bite okay bumps on your butt can can be caused by acne, inflammation in your follicles.

No, I think it's just age. I think it's just life.
Yeah.

You're not going to have a perfect round butt the rest of your life. That's impossible.
I mean, Carlos does have a perfectly round butt. He has a nice butt, yeah.

But that's just genetics.

Right. Yeah.
Well, no, because fancy doesn't have a nice butt. No.
We've never seen it. See it.
Let's see it. Well, just Google a porg's butt.

He's back at it with his.

Oh, there's a little porgy right there. That's the porg butt.
Yeah.

You're a Harry Potter today. Did you watch the movies or what's going on here? I played a video game last night.
Okay, okay.

Oh, very good. Good callback.
Good callback for something that people don't even know what you're talking about. Yeah.
No, but you do. You are, you have layers on today.

This is going to be the future of bad weather coming in. The kids got the sweater with the sweater and the collared shirt.
Double sweater collared shirt. It's cute one sweater.
It is cute, though.

Oh, it's oh, it makes it look like it's two. Yeah.
Wow. Wait, wait.
It's one sweater that has like a stitching? Exactly. No, be real.
It's real. Stick your hand between the.

Oh, my God.

You know what this like? This like that? A clip-on tie.

What is this? Yeah, yeah. It's a clip-on tie.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
This is like they made those jackets which had hoodies stitched inside of them. Have you ever seen that? And they're not real hoodies.

It's the same thing. Yeah.
I kind of like it. Where do you get that? Desi woil.
Decei wai. Desuoil, too?

Oh, they have that. Deadstock, though.
They don't make this anymore. This guy, it's worth money now at this point.
Yeah, yeah. He'll have the largest collection of Desi Wild.
Yeah.

And all it has is the symbol on it. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, the symbol.
I don't. If it was just nothing, that'd be cool.
Okay, good. Yeah.
And do you always wear those glasses? Or are they new?

He's been wearing those since we've known him. Okay.
I think with that outfit, it's very Harry Potter. Are those new glasses, though? A new design?

Yes. They're like fairly new, like seven, eight months.
Oh, wow.

The whole year you've had those? Yeah. Yeah.
Wow.

Have you just noticed them now? They look different today. They look different today.
You know what it is, though? He's got a little pep in his step. I'm guessing.
He does with his hair, too.

What's going on there? It's a crunchy. It's like it's new.
He's trying to be young. Yeah.
Right. You know, oh, he just waved his hair.
He just waved it. You know what I mean? You know what happened?

I wish turkey didn't exist.

Why? Because that's where he got his hair done. Oh, that's right.
Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

It's cheating. You're cheating.
I'm guessing your wife.

I'm guessing your wife and you had a little fun today. That's why why you're in a good mood.
Am I right? You are right. See, I knew it.
I couldn't. That's what it is.

Yeah, when his balls are full, he's more annoyed. Yeah.
Now he feels light and airy because he's emptied. Exactly.
Yeah. That time of the year, you know? Yeah.
How long does it last? A minute? Two?

Well, how long is it? Him? Yeah, yeah. What do you think? I think she just makes, I think she makes him pleasure her, and he doesn't, he has to go in the bathroom when it's over.

Oh, right. She doesn't want to see that.
Yeah. She did it once.
They had a kid. It's over.
She's done.

They don't want to do that anymore. It must be fun for you, huh?

Yeah, very good. That wink is so creepy.

I got a girl. I had a girl after the show ask me for your number.

And would you tell me? One through 10, what is it? One through 10, what is it?

I mean, her look. Her look? Yeah.
To you.

You have different parameters.

I think in the social world, she'd be a seven or an eight. Yeah.
Yeah. And I didn't give her your number.
Why? Well, that'd be inappropriate, just giving out your number.

Do you get her Instagram account? No. She goes, That's not helping.
She said, can I please have Bobby's number? I said, just DM him. I can't give you his number.
That's not appropriate.

You want me to give out your number to people? I'm not doing that.

But use your own judgment

is what I'm saying. This woman I met for five-tenths of a second.
Well, how can I judge her? She said, I'm such a big fan of you guys. Is there any way you can give me Bobby's number? One to ten.

That's how you judge it. Seven.

So I gave her, I gave her, what is that? I gave her two-thirds of your number. Yeah.
She has to guess guess the rest. Because McCone set me up.
Because she's real. We've been talking.
Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's this girl? Some random person slid into my DMs and was like, I want to get in contact with Bobby.
Yeah. And I screenshotted it and I just texted her.
Is she good looking? Yeah.

And you guys have been chatting. Yeah.
Text or DM?

DM. So it's not ready yet.
But she wants to FaceTime. That's so strange.
Why?

Why does she need to FaceTime? I need to FaceTime. Oh, you.
This is your thing. Yeah, because it's like she lives in Canada.
Oh, this is another one of these things. What?

This is never going to come to fruition.

Yeah, well. You really going to fly her down? Well, you know, I...
How far? Remember, I did that, dated that girl from Spokane. That happened.

Yeah, but that's because you met her in Spokane and then it continued. You never met this human being.
Oh, but I did that a couple times in New York.

And one time it was a disaster.

One time didn't work out so well. Yeah, we remember how that went, didn't we? There was two from New York.
One of them was a disaster. Yeah.
One was an absolute nightmare.

Can we say that?

I don't know. She was hammered at 10 in the morning.
Yeah. She was alcoholism.
Hammered? Yeah. 10 a.m.

Do you remember the... You guys joined me to get you coffee? She was drooling at breakfast.

I know, but do you remember when

that was the first, after my breakup with Kalila, that was the first. That was the first girl.
Yeah. So I didn't know any different.
Well, you knew now. I know now.
I would never.

How far in Canada is this Canadian girl? Vancouver. Oh, that's not far.
That's not bad. That's not far.
No, Western Canada, I think you can do. You can do Western Canada.
Yeah.

But once you get east east of Alberta, it gets tough. You're not going over there.
Yeah. You're not doing Winnipeg.
Yeah.

It's just fun, you know, getting to know somebody.

What is the most engaging part for you? What do you mean?

What are you interested the most in this part of the dating thing? Of

this little nook of time.

Okay, well, is it the banter? No, no, no. Here's what I look for the negatives.

Okay. Body dysmorphia.
Again. No, it's not body dysmorphia.
I'm only looking for the negatives. No, no, no, like, you know, I mean, does she have a drinking problem? Right.
Right?

Because, you know, I mean, we had that problem before. We did.
Right? So you go, okay,

you can kind of sense. How much do you party? Oh, do you party? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you say, and what if they say, I party sometime. Okay, you be the girl.
I'll ask. Okay.
All right.

Are we on FaceTime right now? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Hey, hold on. I can't.
Do you see me? I see. There's always that.

Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? No, no, you're like kind of in and out. Oh, I Mr.

Mr. B.
Yeah.

Oh, I see you now. Hey.
Hey. Hi.
Hi. Sorry.
Oh, my God. You're so much cuter than I thought you were.
Yeah, you too. Wow.
Yeah. What's up? Yeah, what's up? I mean,

what's going on?

This is it? The Gangmaster again.

What?

What?

The Gangmaster. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's the Gangmaster. No.
It's on design.

It's by design. It's by design, I mean.

It's by design, right?

Make it awkward. Hey, is that, are you in your place? Is that your place behind you? Yeah.
There's cat poop on the couch.

Yeah. That's cool.
I have cats. Is that a design thing? Yeah, it's a design thing.
It's all by design. So what do you want to know about me, Bobby? Yeah.

So you do a lot of yoga, huh?

Five to six days a week. Oh, that's great.
I'm a yoga teacher. So that.
Oh, dude. You know, I'll be honest with you.

I had an instructor during COVID. Her name was Kara from Hawaii.
And I did a lot of yoga. And I just felt like that was the best time I've ever felt in my life.

I don't know if I care about other girls hearing about other girls. No, she was my, my yoga instructor happened to be a woman.
Sure, but I don't. It's about me right now.
Not Kara.

Sensitive, huh? A little bit. Yeah.
My last boyfriend was... My last boyfriend cheated on me with a yoga instructor.
Yeah. I became a yoga instructor.
Oh, is that why?

Yeah, I was a kindergarten teacher before this.

That's weird. It's a little strange.
Yeah, yeah. But I I mean, you're a little strange.
Yeah. You know, it's like, you know, my ex-girlfriend was a hitman, you know,

and cheated me with a hitman, and now I'm a hitman. You know, it doesn't make any sense.
Yeah. Yeah.
Anyway.

Bye.

I mean, you took it there. Already it's weird.
I feel like that's a real conversation that would happen.

I don't think that she would say, like,

I don't want to talk about your female yoga instructor. That's fucking weird.
Maybe she doesn't want to. All right, let's keep it.
She might be insecure. And she has rewind.

Yeah, my male yoga instructor. Oh, cool.
So you love yoga? Do you still do it? No, I haven't done it yet. Well, I'm just so busy.
Well, maybe if we hang out, we can do yoga together. I would love to.

I'd like to start back up again. Let's do it.
You could teach me? Yeah. Oh, that'd be fun.
Yeah. In fact, I could even, you know, pay a little something to do classes online.

I don't want money. I just, I want your company.
Wow, that's cool. Yeah.
Yeah.

What else do you do?

I don't know. Like, I like yoga.
I like getting matcha lattes in the morning. You look at the matcha latte.
I love them. Oh, who doesn't love a matcha latte? I love them.
I like taking long walks.

I have seven dogs. Seven dogs? Well, they're not mine.
I'm a dog. I walk people's dogs.
Oh, that's cool. So it's a side side hustle.

Yeah, it's a little side job. Yeah, yeah.
I have a bunch of side jobs.

I have four dogs. Oh, you do? Yeah.
I'd love to walk your dogs. It's impossible.
They're in my freezer. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're frozen solid.
Is that lunch? No.

Oh. Burial.
Oh, you. Okay.
When it's my time. Cool.
Do you like to party? What? Do you like to party? I'm sober. Who are you looking at in your house?

You keep looking over there in your house. Is there someone there? No.
I'll be honest with you, sweetheart. Can I call you sweetheart? Please.
Yeah. My dad used to call me sweetheart.

Well, that's weird because my dad's ghost is next to me. Really? That's what I'm looking at.
Who are you talking to?

Who

are you talking to? Yep, that's him. Who is that? It's my dad.
Tell him I said hi.

Anyway.

Anyway. Bye.
No. No, don't go.

What was your last relationship? I was married.

I was married

two and a half years. Wow, what happened? I mean,

we got a divorce. It was my third marriage.
You've been married three times, huh? Yeah.

Kids? Yeah. Oh, how many? I have four with my first husband, two with my second husband, and I'm pregnant right now.

Yeah, I got.

You don't want to be a dad with me? Seven kids? Yeah. Yeah, three different people.
No, there's no way, no. But they're all involved.
Okay, who's involved? The kids are involved with what?

No, no, the dads are all involved in their lives. They're all wonderful men.
Yeah, yeah, I don't want to meet them. They're all NBA players.
Yeah. I have, you know, to be honest with you.
Yeah.

I had a girl that hit me up, you know recently. Are we talking as us now? Are we out of the bus?

I'm telling the girl. I'm telling the girl.
Yeah. Who, you know what I mean? All her boyfriends were like NBA players, and I couldn't do it.
Why?

Because it's like, you know, I don't know if it shrinks back, you know? Oh, it does.

But I'm still interested in you.

You know how sometimes you know, I don't know about. Bobby, you know how sometimes.
Yeah, I don't know if it shrinks back, you know?

You know how sometimes you only want half a sandwich? Yeah. That's the kind kind of stage I'm at right now, and you want some soup, too-half a soup? I would love it, I would love a half-soup sandwich.

You like creamy soup? I love creamy soup. Okay, all right, with clams in it,

yeah. I got clams in mind.
That is funny. That's when a girl goes from NBA players back to a regular guys.
That is the order. Domino's! Hey, how are you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Tone, how you doing?

I'm pretty good.

Okay, good. I got some Domino's pizza.
Well, you got one of those specialty pizzas. I got a specialty pizza.

This has Italian sausage on it. Pepperoni.
A little bit of ham. Yeah.
A little bit of ham on it. This is the mizza.
Yeah.

Italian sausage, pepperoni, ham, all beef sandwiched between two layers of provolone cheese made 100% mozzarella. Oh, you know what I got? What do you got? Frank.

Extravaganza, my friend. Dude, we got.
Lology. Lonely.

Check this out. What are they going on that extravone?

I'll tell you what they got, man.

Pepperoni, ham, Italian sausage, beef, fresh onions, fresh green peppers, fresh mushrooms, black olives, all sandwiched between two layers of provolone and cheese made up up with 100% real, most of real.

Maria, Maria, Mama Mia.

And I'll tell you this: the guys love it too. Carlos, which is your favorite? What's your favorite Domino's pizza that we've had in this few? Specialty one? Yeah.
Spinach and feta. Spinach and feta.

See, he's always looking out for his weight. He wants to have a thin little waist, spinach and feta, a little healthier.
I like the spicy chicken and bacon ranch. Load it up, give it to me.

Okay, hey, bro, welcome to Hawaii, dude.

Honolulu. Wakaliki, wakalikiki.
Wakaliki, wakalikiki. Honolulu, Hawaiian, bro.
The Honolulu Hawaiian pizza. Delicious.
You're a big fan of pineapple on pizza.

Never-ending debate. But Bobby Lee loves Hawaiian pizza.
Especially the high pizza.

I also like dude Pacific veggie, dude. Yeah, when you're on stand, healthier Dom by the Beach.
Yeah.

When I'm sitting by the beach and I'm listening to Sublime and I want myself a pizza, I'm going to get myself a Pacific Veggie, dude. That's right, dude.

Anyway, dude, dude, check out Domino's new specialty pizzas. You know, Domino's specialty pizzas are delicious, unique, and fun.

And they got all sorts of new stuff. Like we said, the People's Pizza, the Lux, Spicy Chicken, Bacon, Ranta, Ultimate Pepperoni, Memphis Barbecue Chicken.
They got it all.

Plus, Wisconsin, shout out to my old neighbors of the North with six cheese. Wisconsin.
I didn't even know there was six cheese. Me neither, dude.
I can only name four of them.

But Domino's has got them. So you got to try them out today.
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Rules and restrictions may apply. I was scared coming in today.
Me too, man.

No, no, no. Flying in today.
Me too, man.

Because of the rain. I got scared.
It was bad raining, dude. It was crazy raining.
And it was raining in clouds. I was leaving Phoenix for this storm that just passed and then coming into here.

And I was like,

I hate it. I hate little baby planes in the sky.
You took a private plane? No, no, no, no, no. It was a, what do you call it, regional jet, you know, where it's like not a lot of seats.

And I was like,

putty holly style. Ooh, we.

Yeah. I got a little nervous about it.
I hate that. I don't mind if you

from Richie Valence. Richie Valence.
Yeah, Richie Valence. He died too.
And the Big Bopper. The Big Bopper.

Yeah.

I don't know much about him, do you? I don't know anything about the Big Bopper other than the name is fun. Yeah, but I know about Richie.

You know about Richie Valence? Yeah. What do you know about him?

What do you you mean?

I saw the movie, La Bamba.

What do you remember about him? I remember he had a brother who was a cartoonist.

You remember? Yeah. Yeah.
Donna was the white girl in high school that he was in love with, right?

And there was like, they couldn't get together because of racial discriminations from her side of the family. Isn't that sad that the family

would do that to you? Even he is a fucking rock star. Rock star.
And they're like, no,

no way.

We got to bring that back. What? Racial discrimination.

But that's still kind of out there. Parents that don't let you date the other race? I'm sure.
No, I mean,

like, you know, you'll go to like Dantana's. Yeah.
Right. And you'll just be at the bar eating a spaghetti.
And then you'll go, you'll turn to, you know, me and a couple of

Hollywood socialites. They're always there.
They're always there. Right? At that place, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And you go, hey, what are you eating? And they're like,

they don't know you. What do you mean? No, I'm, I'm, fuck you, man.
No, if they knew you, I'll tell you something. If they knew you, no, I'm a human being, dude.
Just acknowledge my presence.

They don't need to.

You're at the bar d'Antennas. That's Socialite Express.
If you didn't want that, go sit at a table by yourself. Okay.
So you're begging for the attention. You want it.

That's why you went up to the table. No, there was no seats the one time that I went there.

All we have is the bar. So I'm eating the spaghetti and go, hey, what you eating? Yeah, nothing.

And they just completely ignore you. They didn't want to engage.
That's, I think, you know what I mean? Either, I don't know what it is. To me, I always

perceive it as racism. That's not racism.
You're a guy. They're a girl.
They don't want to talk to you. You don't think that's racism? A little? I'm not a Dantanis.
They know you got money. So

if I look like James Franco, you think they'd still do it? Well, he's better looking.

All right. It's based on.

It's not race. It's look.
By the way, if you were Michael B. Jordan, they'd be talking to you, and he's black.
Okay. These are white girls.
Benedict Wong.

They would ignore him.

No. All right, let me throw the names out.
You throw a name. I'll tell you if the two white girls would talk to him.
Okay.

Esai Morales. Absolutely.
Yes, they talk. They would talk to Esai Morales.
100%. Even though he's Hispanic.
Yeah, he's handsome. Okay.

When he was alive, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Did they know who he is or no? No.

No, they won't talk to him. Wow.

They don't know who Jack Black is. Jack Black, they'll talk to.
They know him. But if they didn't.
They do. Everybody does.
I know. He's too famous.
Yeah, that's a tough one.

How about Jeffrey Jones?

Yeah, probably. You know what that is? Yeah, probably.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Okay.

From Ferris Bueller? Yeah, from Ferris Bueller. Jeffrey Jones.
The principal. The principal.
The principal. Is he still in prison?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think. Yeah.
He's at Dantana's. He's out.
He's at Dantana's right now. Yeah, yeah.
He's probably working at Dantana's.

What did you do this weekend? Oh, boy. Do you have a busy weekend? Oh, boy.
Yeah. I'm doing a lot of special prep.

With Louis? Is he in town? Yeah. A lot of special prep.
Our buddy Louis Katz, who's one of the people.

We're going to sing a song.

Are you writing the song? Yeah, we're writing the song. Is it the closer? Yeah, and then there's a whole nother thing.
I don't know if I'll give it away, but. Well, you don't have to.
Yeah.

There's going to be a little thing with my dad.

How'd you get him? Yeah.

Did you book him? No, I'm going to play him. Really? Yeah.
That's fun. Yeah.
This is going to be great. It's going to be a three-dimensional face of me.

Really? Yeah, that's like a hologram on stage. And there's a conversation between him and I.
Really? Yeah, yeah. Did you write the conversation already? Yeah.
It's done. Oh, I want to see.

And we tried it on stage in San Francisco. How was that? We had audio, so he had a button.
So it's, you know what I mean? We pretended like he was there.

And then I, you know, and we did it back in front and it got laughs. It was good.
Yeah. Did you cry? There was a crying crying thing in there, like a little, like a moment in there.
Wow.

But yeah, I mean, all that, but it's, it's,

there's, I've never, I don't know if you felt this, but I've never felt this much anxiety in my life. Like, even like technical things like, we got a DP.

It's like, I don't, I don't want to, I don't care. Well, that's why you hired people to take care of it.
Yeah, yes. But they tell me about it, you know what I mean?

Set design, this and that, you know what I mean? And it's like, it's, it causes me so much anxiety. I don't even know what, I don't know why.
Yeah. You felt that? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

It's an, it's nerve-wracking. It's nerve-wracking.
It sucks. But I mean, you trust people around you.

You hire, you hot, what you do, you hire good people who are talented that you trust, which we haven't done on this show, but we will get to it at some point. Yeah.
Hiring talented people.

But then you just do all the stuff that they have your vision in mind and you let them complete it. Yeah.
And I think I picked the right director because he, um,

this is his shot. Right.
That's great. And he's so now he's so like locked.
Locked in and just on it. That's cool.
You know what I mean? And he wants it to be so good. So he's very strict with me.

That's good. Yeah.
That's what you want. Like, how come you didn't do that joke tonight?

Like, it's not really flushed out yet. You have to do it.
So he makes me do it. Yeah, you got it.
See, I'm so glad that he's doing that. Yeah, yeah.
What a good journey. Yeah, it's a good journey.

So you worked on it all weekend. Yeah,

that and just a lot of video gaming. A lot of video gaming.
Yeah, too much. Because when I'm in anxiety, you know, because I'm not masturbating anymore to porn.

So that's, there, that, there, there goes that. Are you masturbating in general? No.

To nothing.

Now, why is that? I only alleviate myself in front of women. She only enjoy.
You only... And that's rare.
So it's like... I don't know if it alleviates the word.
Yeah, yeah. Release.
Or in front of.

Release.

I would say anytime you're

only for sexual relations with someone. What's so funny?

Release.

Yeah, release. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like they're prisoners or something.

No, yeah, yeah.

Like I release the hostages. From the gulag.

Release the prisoners from the gulag. Let them out.
The way I say they got to get out. Well, if you look at my sperm, they're wearing helmets and little swords.
I mean, they're not. They're fighters.

Yeah, yeah. They're fighters.
Yeah, yeah. They're survivors.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean, when they swim?

I'm being real.

Look at mine. Some of them are sleeping.
We'll bring some in. Yeah.
So I'm thinking that one of the warriors will get in when I have a baby one day. Yeah, yeah.
So that's my gut pet.

You'll make a warrior. I think I have warrior blood in my

DNA. Yeah.

Look up. Is there a history of a warrior with a last name Lee by any chance?

Because my great-great-great-grandfather was the royal commander of the Korean army or whatever. Wow.
Asian Lee. Yeah.
Bruce Lee.

Yeah. Henry.

Lighthorse Harry Lee. Yeah, dude.

You don't know Lighthorse? Yeah, I know Lighthorse. Yeah, yeah.

I know Heavy Horse a little bit better.

But do Asianly.

Bruce Lee outside of. Okay, zoom in.
There's a very famous Asian warrior with the last name,

Kurt Chu and Lee, the very first Asian commissioned officer in the U.S. Marine Corps known for his heroics in the Korean War.
Wow. So that's your...
Well, no, go back in the beginning, right?

His name is Kurt Chu.

It's a sneeze. Kurt Chu.

Kurt Chu in Li, right? Yeah. But you knew that Kurt was his English name.
Yeah, Chu Choo. He probably chose it, too.

They were like, hey, Chu, get back in line, right? Calling me Kurt.

Maybe he liked her Cobain. Maybe.
And that's why. Yeah.

Choo. That's a good one.
Is he still alive?

Hit that Wikipedia.

He's not. He died in 2014.
No, God bless you. God bless you, Kurt Chu.

Thank you for your service. There he is.
Look at how many medals. Oh, my God.
look at them.

Look at all the metals. Decorated.
Yeah. Why are you laughing, dude?

I'm not laughing at him. You know what I always found strange about the medals is just because this is like my OCD.
Yeah. They're always on one side.
I think they should be balanced.

Why wouldn't it be symmetrical? Yeah. Right? Wouldn't you have layers of metals on both sides? That to me.
But imagine if they could just place them wherever they wanted. That would drive me crazy.

Oh, no. I think that'd look cool.
Like one here, one here, one here, three in the back. I mean, it would drive me crazy.
It looks like a NASCAR car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like it that it's clumped together on one side.

We're pretty close, by the way, for our military being sponsored by businesses to where they're wearing jerseys with their names on. Oh, right, right.

Like the military, like the Marine Corps sponsored by like Tide Pods or something like that. Or Chick-fil-A.
Yeah, that's coming.

You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like

Nashville hot chicken. Can you zoom in at the medals, please? Yeah.
It would be interesting over what who got sponsored. There he is.
Yeah, so what, do you know what these medals mean?

You know, I don't know what those. Uh-oh.

Anyone in the room knows what they mean? Honor, valor.

I think it's for, I'm not even going to guess. I think like service during certain either times of battle or what is it? Find a guy who has the most medals.
I want to see how deep it goes.

His neck is just hanging so heavy on his chest. Who's in the military? Who in the military has had the most medals? The most awarded veteran.

Most decorated veteran. On the jacket, though.
Wait, time out before you do this. Stop.
You want to guess?

I think it's Audi Murphy. I think Audi Murphy was the most decorated war veteran in American history.
And I might be wrong.

Audi Murphy. Wow.
Wow.

That's pretty fucking awesome. Can we see his.

Whoa. He was the most decorated war veteran.
Isn't that amazing on you? Oh, he got the draggy kind.

He should have a man bag with him. Yeah, yeah.
Put all those medals in.

But go to that photo right below in the colored one, the third row to the very far right. Jesus.
Look at.

no, not that one. The far right when he's old.
That's not him. That's another guy, dude.
But I want to see that guy anyway. But click on.
That's Audi Murphy. Yeah, I don't like it when they're like

bedazzled like that.

I like what the little cubes. No, see, I think this is like the chiclet kind.
This is little real metals. You like that.
I like this. Yeah.

Audi Murphy, I knew he was the most decorated war veteran in American history. The only reason I know that is because

I've seen his house. How?

He used to to live in this neighborhood.

This neighborhood right here? In this neighborhood. No.
Yeah.

How else would I know that weird fact?

He used to have a plaque outside of his house that said, this was the home of Audi Murphy, commissioned as a historic site, the most decorated war veteran of American history.

The house is no longer there. They ripped it down, but they kept this brick thing out front that says the most decorated war veteran.
Wow. What year did he die? 71.
Oh, my God. He was born.

But he lived here in this neighborhood, isn't that? That's incredible.

So I was at D'Antenna's last night, and I was talking to this guy who's been there. This old man was sitting there

and he was like, Hey, kid, look at comedy.

I go, Whoa, what's your name? My name is Robert. I've been coming here since the 60s.
Wow. And I go,

What happened here? You can get White's Downs. You know what I mean? The blue pill

right at this bar. You can get anything you want at this bar.
Not anymore. No, anymore.
You just get spaghetti and bolognese.

That's all you can get. You know what I mean? But like pounded chicken or whatever.
But you know what I mean? Yeah. Back in the you walk down the street, man.
Oh my God.

You can get laid just by walking out. He's still living in the old times in his mind.
Yeah. Back when Santa Monica, he could hustle.
Was he gay? No, no, no.

Does this sound gay, do you?

No, no, this is this is Steve McQueen, man. I mean, that's the gayest part of West Hollywood.

It is in West Hollywood. Yeah.
But listen to my voice. Oh, I hear it.
Yeah. And what did you chat with? And he had a, he had a, you know how they have this? Yeah, one bad eye.

Yeah, but they're just, you know what I mean? Hey, kid. You know? They always call you kid.
Well, because you are. To him.
To him. Yeah.
Hey, kiddo. Back in my day,

everyone sat here.

You know what I mean? Like, who's everyone? You name them. Yeah.
Greta Garbo. No, like Flip Wilson.
Oh, Flip Wilson. 60s.
Yeah, yeah. Flip Wilson.
You know what I mean?

And then they had guys that you didn't even know, but they were local legends.

Yeah, yeah. He used to come here all the time.
Dumont DeVry. DuMont DeVry.
You know what I mean? He started DeVry College. Yeah.
You know,

the tennis shoes where you put the loops in?

The metal hole. That's him.
Yeah, he put the medals in that. You know what I mean? And you're like, oh, I don't give a fuck.
Did you ask what that man did for a living? Like, who was he?

Was he a musician?

What I do, I buy property for people, commercial real estate. So you buy it.
I don't do risks.

I don't do high risks. What does that mean? You use someone else's money? You brokered the

broker the deals. You broke.
This is what he told me last night.

I go, at 80, you do that. Still do it, kid.

He wasn't smoking, but

he was hitting

a breathing machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then a bunch of young, not like 30-year-old, you know, in fur coats. Robert! They knew him.
Yeah, and they all like hogged him. And I did a weird laugh.

Why? I don't know why. I got so nervous.
I'm

girls

yeah i did a weird lab and he goes see you later kid

with you know i mean he had a girl on each arm yeah and he walks out of this thing and i go can i have a spaghetti bowl of this you have whites reds or blues

we just pounded chicken yeah just pounded chicken just pounded chicken all right yeah but that was yeah i love dantanas though i don't ever eat there why

it's so cool in there it's It's cool, but the food is not good. It's okay.
For late night, it's okay. It's fine.

And this is so Hollywood with me. The reason why is when I first moved to LA,

I went to Dantana's and I couldn't even afford it, but I spent hundreds of dollars there. Yeah.
Because I just heard it was a legendary place. And I remember seeing Leo and all those guys there.

Yeah, right. That was like their hand.
And I never saw them again there.

And now you can go. But now you're Leo to someone else.
Well, it's funny because I remember when I first in the 90s, late 90s, went to Dantano's. I wouldn't even be able to

get in.

Hey, kid, you can't get in. But now, like, they kiss me on the cheeks and stuff.
Who does? The host.

The host kisses you on the cheeks? Yeah, hey, Bobby, welcome back.

Me, Kenneth. Thanks.
Come come

on.

Did you bring that bag with you?

Dude, you're going to make me mad about that. Don't do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so Kenneth kisses you on the cheeks.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Good stuff online.

Guy. You know what I mean? And he loves your online stuff.
Yeah, yeah. And then,

you know what I mean? And then I'll have like an old lady goes, young man, you do podcasts.

I go, I do.

If I've seen it, it's probably good. Wow.
That's what she said. Right? But it's got this old-timey, Hollywood-y, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's old school.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it is very old school. And it's once in a while, you go, you know? I don't want to go.

We should go together. I don't want to.

Why? I don't like that. You love places like that.
I do, but the food's got to be good. Dude, dude.
The food's got to be good.

That guy?

The Taylor Swift guy?

That's the photo. Yeah, we wouldn't be caught that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Dantana's look.

That's what they all look like. Robert, a kid.

Come on, guy. You love those places.
I like good food. You go to, I know, but it's okay.
It's not good. All right.

It's pretty basic spaghetti. For Italian restaurants in L.A.,

that place is for the hang. Yeah, but it's so close to the comedy store.
It is pretty close. Right?

And then, you know, it's a two-minute drive. I go to night market before I go there, though.

Okay. Better food.

I don't even know what night market it is. Oh, right up the street.
Literally up the street from where you're taking. It's open late? Yeah.
Yeah. No one's ever brought me there to the night market.

What? Yeah. You've never had night market? No.
Oh, come on, dude. It's right on sunset.
It's literally up the street from what you're talking about. And what time do they close? Midnight or one?

No.

Closes at... Well, it's Sunday, so.
What time does it close now? 10 o'clock on Sunday. Okay.
But on a weekend, they close late? Yeah. Okay, I didn't know.
Oh, you got to go. Well, take me there.

I'll take you there. Because when you finish your shows, you never take me nowhere.
I ask you all the time to go get food, but then you go, no, no, I'm going alone.

You do that all the time. Yeah, because where I want to go, you're not going to to drive that far.
How far? Like, like one time you came to the Korea town, I love Korea a month ago. Yeah, that's fine.

We went to um Agassi Gopchong, Agassi. Remember, you were there with who were you with

your friend? Who, you know, it's so fucked up in my brain. I just, I like, uh, I can't believe I just drew a blank when you were telling that story.
Who I brought. I do the same thing now.

You're getting old.

Yeah.

Am I old? When you're 42?

42. Yeah.
What is that? Memory changes around 40. Yeah.
Yeah. That sucks.

I'm 54, dude.

Yeah, but you have a better memory. I didn't remember the girl I was dating last time.

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I feel like my brain is going cuckoo shit. You know what it also is? Yeah.
The last couple of days, I haven't been able to get any fucking sleep.

And I laid in bed, got horizontal last night i put on my little heating pad i got a little heating pad now i'm getting old yeah i put on my little electronic heating pad yeah near my tushie and then i got on my phone i started reading and i thought i'm gonna be able to read and go to sleep no couldn't go to sleep how many hours how many when was i up till how many hours did you get last night three wow it's so funny i couldn't sleep i got three too maybe you and i are on the same we're on our same cycle maybe how the girls sync up you and i are so yeah i got three too last night i just couldn't get to sleep and that was you know it's what the worst is is when you're so tired.

Oh, my God. And you need to go to sleep.
I was exhausted. And I took Trazodone, which is

dog tranquilizer. No, it's like a, it's a non-addictive.

Just say yes when I say that. See, I can't even yes and right now.
I know.

Yeah, my wife just went to the doctor, by the way, and they offered her pain.

He was like, oh, and also do you need pain medication? She was like, no. And I was like, you say yes.

You always say yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's good to have. For you.
For me. Yeah, yeah.
For the house. Yeah, for the house.
It's like when you get pancakes for the table. Yeah.
For the house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get drugs for the house.
So when someone comes over, we got a little something to have. Yeah, I went out to the grocery store.
What do I pick up every fucking time? Rice.

I don't eat rice.

But I have two Asians living in the house. You need it.
You get the rice. Get the rice.
Spam, whatever they need. You need to.
You get the rice. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Nuts. You know what I mean?

I love nuts. Yeah.
Well, Filipinos, they love the nuts. Well, they got a lot of nuts.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So

you get it, even though you're not gonna. You have to be mindful about other people.
That's right. Exactly.
Pay attention, McCoy. Pay attention.
Pay attention.

You have to be mindful about other people.

I do that a lot, you know? You do. You're very generous.
Yeah. What did you guys do this weekend? What did you do this weekend, Carlos? Went to the ice house last night, Jaime on a show.

Jaime had a show at the ice house? And you went to support. Yeah.
He doesn't come to support us. You notice that, Bob? He does.
He does. You knew who came to support me last night.

You come to support Bob? You go to Bob's shows? At the comedy store? I've been there so many times so many times yeah never for me you know who's seen you a million times go up

20 years ago jules i also jules came to the main room last night oh she did she's never been there she's trying to get up huh no she brought 10 people what really yeah it was crazy i couldn't believe it wow and i i had to kill

and i walked by her table and she goes

You did good.

She knows. She's seen you before.
Yeah, but she doesn't.

She doesn't give it up. She doesn't, that's not what she does.
Yeah, yeah. That's what I love about her.
Okay, can I tell you, I shunted you a TikTok. Did you see it? What'd you send me?

It's a 90s furniture

local advertisement commercial. And it's something about it just made me feel so happy.
Send it to him. I want to see it.
Yeah, yeah. Send it to who?

The guy who put it up on the screen. Yeah.

There's just something about

race relations that was the purest back then. The 90s, yeah.

No, but it's a love,

right? But it wasn't what it is now. And I want to go back to this time.

I'm Richard, aka Big Head. I'm working at the Red House and I'm black.

I like pumping iron, pumping furniture, and to people's home.

I'm Johnny, a.k.a. T Engage.
I work at the Red House and I'm what?

I like deer hunting, bass fishing, and extending credit to all people.

I'm black and I love the red house. I'm white and I love the red house.
I'm a black woman and I love the red house. I am white and the red house is for me.

After the red house. This has got to be a comedy sketch team that did this.
No.

It's real.

Look at the sofa. It's perfect for a black person

or a white person.

This mattress is perfect for a white person

or a black person. Big pause.
They were guests on Tiger Bell? Like two weeks ago. Wait, this is not real? It's a sketch.
This is like when my dad sends me an AI video.

I'm so embarrassed. This is like when my dad sends me an AI video of like Kobe cussing out someone

in like

a Sora video, you know?

Jesus, dude.

Oh, my God. I thought it was.
I knew that. I was like, this has got to be a comedy sketch scene.
I thought this was a real, like, wow.

You know what I mean?

But your innocence is good because it is a good commercial. Yeah, I was.
I would go to the Red House after seeing this. Yeah.

I go, wow.

They really got along.

Like shaking hands. You know what I mean? I was like, this is great.
This is good. It's good for progress.
Yeah.

I feel like a fool. But don't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please don't.

I feel so embarrassed. I'm going inside myself again.
Don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn it, dude. I'm a fool.

Are you sure that's them? Couldn't be more sure.

Okay, my bad. It's okay.
Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm excited for right now?

I get to go home tonight and have

my favorite soup. Let me get it.
It's soup season, dog. It's soup season now.
Now that's a a crisp bear. If you can see your breath in LA, it's soup season.
Yeah. And I'm excited about soup season.

Let me tell you, but I'd even invite some of you pigs over because my wife cooks my favorite soup and we don't get it all year until now. Can I guess what it is? Yeah.

Can I name the vegetable or that you can name the ingredients? Pumpkin. No, no pumpkin.
Okay, okay.

I do not, and I don't enjoy pumpkin. Is there squash in it? Nope.
Okay. Split pea.
Nope. Fuck.

Trick free.

I love split pea.

She makes Zuppa Tascana.

Noodles? No.

No.

Zupa Tascana. Look at it right there.
Zupa Tascana.

She makes it good? Oh, my God. It's like potato chunks.
It's spicy Italian sausage. Wow.
Some people use kale. I don't like kale.
Okay. But it's so good, dude.
Yeah.

And by the way, you pour that over a little bit of rice for your people. Yum, yum, yum.
Unreal. Yeah.
I'll tell you. I had a wagu bimbim bop bowl last night for dinner.
Wow. Where?

At that place that I went to in Phoenix. Wow.
Bimbimbip. Bimbimbop bowl.
And the girl next to me goes, what is that? What is that? And I go, it's a Caesar salad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a smoking bowl. And she goes, what is that? I go, Caesar salad.
But my favorite kind of bimbop has to be the hot pot. Oh, dude.
It has to be that stone pot because the rice crisps at the bottom.

Crisps at the bottom. Dude, you get one.
I'm sand, dog. And my favorite thing is when you peel that off at the bottom and you get that crunchy hard.
Crunch crunch. Oh, my God.

Name me some soups that you absolutely love and that you hate. Top soup for Bobby Love.
Okay, for me is Tom Yum. No, dude.
That's rude. Sweet and sour.
No,

dragon's breath soup.

Dengjong jigae. Dengjong jiga.
Yeah, yeah. You've given me that.
Yeah, Dengjung Jiga, I like. Yeah.

Any jigs. Kim Chi or Dengjong I like.
I like all the jiggas. Elik all the jiggas.

Any jiggas I like. Okay.
And then, but the Americana ones, I'm a big fan of. Yeah.

Judge me if you want. No, no.
There's going to be some hot takes. But the chicken noodle soup from Erewhon.
Oh, yeah. It's just with the big, no, but with the thick noodles.
Oh, you egg noodles.

Yeah. To have it in your fridge and as an emergency little meal.
That's your favorite. It's good.
What's your favorite one, Carlos? Split pea. I'm not done with my favorite.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me.
What? Fideo. Fideio.

A good split pea? I don't like split pea. Yeah.

Corn chowder. I can go if it's a 50-50.
Yeah. But clam chowder with Tabasco sauce.
Oh, bro. Right? Come on, baby.
I can't do clam chowder. Yeah, why? Because I don't like clams in blur.
Okay.

That's what it looks like. They were like, blup, blup, blup, blurp.
I don't want to do that. Okay.
Clams are their own thing. Yeah.
Like spaghetti clams, fine. If they're still in the shell.
Oh.

Yeah, spaghetti clams, you've taken it. Bangole.
Bangoli. Bangoli.
Bangole. Yeah.

But

you do clam chowder? I love it. I wouldn't have pinned that.
If you a clam chowder guy, it has to be like, you have to be in Seattle where they do a good. Oh, it's from New England.
Yeah.

The opposite side of the country. But Seattle has some good spots there.
Oh, it's got it. It's a seafood.
It's a seafood. Yeah, a port town is what I'm saying.
It's gotta be a port town.

I know it's from New England, right? But I'm saying, you know what I mean? I've never been to New England.

So

the other port town I've been to is in Seattle. It's still the same.
All right, so I don't like the judgment. You give me that Sacramento clam chowder.

I don't like matzo ball soup. It's bullshit.
It is. A lump in the middle.
Get the fuck out of here. But if you get the extras in it, it's good.
What is that?

If you go to like canters or something, you can get noodles in it. Yeah, but then just take the ball out.
Then it's chicken noodle soup. I like the ball.
What do you do with that thing?

You don't eat that. That's a lump.
I know, but it's like in a cosmetic. I hate it.
Look at that thing. Like big ball in there.
Don't need it. It's taking up space.
Yeah.

It's like when a couch is too big for a small living room. You're like, what? You don't need this.
You could have got in the love seat and gotten away with it.

I don't like carrots, but I like carrots and soup. But I also like carrots how the Mexicans do.
They pickle it. That's my favorite.
Whatever. What it would be? No, they pickle it.

Yeah, they pickle vegetables. It has jalapeno pickle to pickled it.
It's the whole thing. It's onions.
Onions. Pickled vegetables.
Dude, whatever that is, dude. Uh la la.
Pieno, pueno.

That's very Spanish.

Nosotros, nosotros. Nosotros.
So hula la. I love it.

I love it. That I do love.
Yeah.

And I love.

I had breakfast. You ever go to the griddle?

On sunset? Yeah. No.
I went there one time. The pancake place? It's old.
It's got like a line down the block, doesn't it? I went there today. You went there today? Incredible.
Pancakes?

Dude, I got a no, I got a French toast with fruity pebbles in it. Oh, my God.

They're fruity pebble. You're really fist fighting that Wagovi, huh?

Yeah, yeah. I got that.
That's insane. Bobby.
Yeah.

Dude. That's crazy.

That's like a chunk. I know.
But I shared it with my friend. Oh, okay.
So your teeth are going to fall out.

What I always do is when I go to a breakfast spot with a friend, you know what I mean? I'll go, we share one sweet, but we get our separate things. I mean, we can share that too.
You get a dish.

Right. Yeah.
So you don't eat the whole thing. It's just like two or three bites.

But that thing, dude, was ooh la la la merigo bene bueno bueno.

That's too sweet for me. Right.
And syrup on top of that? No.

Whatever that whipped cream is, is the thing. Oh, that's I refuse to do extra.
And then I got a Chicago scramble that was really good.

What's in there? Peppers. You know, Italian peppers.
Yeah. And sausage, you know.
So over here, Chicago scramble. Italian sausage, peppers.
Italian sausage is peppers. That's good.
Yeah. Diabetes.

Diabetes.

you were on a sketch show huh

oh dude when they said um you got the job yeah i went i really

what do you mean you're a great actor no what i'm saying is is that you don't you don't you don't think that i was

bewildered that i got on a fucking sketch show no you're hilarious i didn't know how to do anything well you just don't do impressions or accents or any what the things that you need to do in a sketch show i didn't do dude no but you do characters i can do characters yes you can do yeah yeah yeah i can do something that's what sketch shows are a great character yeah man don't good to see you man

stuff like that yeah that was good

yeah yeah i'm alvira hello welcome to my castle

those are the on there ones yeah yeah yeah they didn't really make it on there

you know you know what hinders you

what it's your eyes my eyes are what well you tell a lot in the eyes through comedy and that's what hinders you

What do you mean? Your eyes.

Oh. Because when you do a character, you have to like, like, see, you do that when you go to like a different guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you have to physically change your eyes.

I have to physically change my eyes. Yeah, like, be a guy from the South.
What? Be a guy from the South. How you doing, bro? See what I mean?

Okay, be a guy from New York. Hey, forget about it.
See, look at your eyes. You change your eyes.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right.
You do. You change your eyes.
I make my eyes whiter.

Yeah, you make white eyes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

And it looks like you're going to put eye drops in when you do that.

I think you're right. You changed it.
It's in my eyes. It's in your eyes, dude.
Whoa, dude. But the comedy is where? Yeah.

In your heart. It's in your heart.
Yeah. I saw Frankenstein.

Hot Frankenstein. Do you see it? I know, but every time I see a clip on TikTok that makes me laugh of a guy who's correcting people.

Have you seen that guy when he's like, it's actually Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is.

It's a great clip. There's been a couple of them out there.
Yeah, yeah.

That's Hot Frankenstein? Yeah. I'm out.

Frankenstein's supposed to be hideous. I know.
The whole point was. Can I say something, though? I thought the same thing, but there was all this hoopla like, the cinematic cartography is great.

You know what I mean? Do you see it, McCone? Not yet. Yeah, yeah.
Who is it, Guillomo? Guillermo? Yeah. Wow, it's going to look fucking amazing.
Yeah, so I watched it because of that, right?

But I have to say, I had really great empathy for him. For Frankenstein's monster? Yeah.
For Frankenstein's Monster.

And it was the first time I saw anything Frankenstein where I was just like, I felt such sorrow for him. You've seen the original? I did.
Yeah. Yeah, but this Frankenstein is pretty good.

Here's what bothers me about this. What? Because for years, all of us, everyone in this room, when we were kids, you thought Frankenstein was the monster.
And then you get old enough.

and you see it and you go oh that's frankenstein's monster is what he's called yet societally we still call that guy frankenstein yeah like on a halloween shirt it'd be like frankenstein it just would why didn't they just give that guy the name frankenstein and then call him doctor Doctor?

Yeah, that's it. Like at some point, switch it up.
Yeah. It was such a weird thing.
Also, if you're going to keep his name, Frankenstein's sponsor, give him a different name. Yeah.

If Frankenstein was going to be called Frankenstein, give Frankenstein.

God, you were so close. That's it.

To tutut. To tutut.
No, no, no. He didn't make it to the shop.
Yeah, give me another shot.

Yeah, yeah.

Argenfalk.

Argenfalk. Yeah, yeah.
Argenfalk.

Argenfalk. Not fuck.
Don't say fuck in the name. Oh, yeah.
Argenfark. Argenfalk.
Fark. Fark.
He's Swedish. Argenfalk.
Argenfalk. Arm Argenfalk.

And this is my bride.

Who is your bride's name? Bride of Arkenfalk.

I like that. So he was hot.
It's worth seeing this thing? Yeah, he's.

You saw it? Yeah, it's awesome. It's so awesome.
It's a good movie.

You have to. I just haven't been to the movies in so long.
Yeah. I got to go.
I just haven't been. I mean, it's no Predator Badlands, but it's very good.
Now you see me, now you don't. It's also out.

Oh, yeah. You were in it.

Congratulations. Thanks, man.
Yeah. And

people said, I like it. People like it.
Now you see me? Did you see it? I haven't seen it. Did you see yourself in it? I've been on the road.
No, yeah.

I guess I'm in the first scene, he said. You saw it.
Yep. You went to go see it.
Are you a fan of the franchise? Not really. Okay, good.
You saw it for Andrew. I am.
Shut up. Why did you go to see it?

I saw it for you. The same way that I saw.
Borderlands for me. Yeah, yeah.
Not in the theater, though. He sees everything.
Oh, you did?

What's now you see me got on rotten time? I walk out of both of them.

59. 59.
59. We're cruising.
Yeah.

What is Borderlands at now? Oh, but audience score is 81. That's way better.
I'll take audience score all day. I'm going to go see that movie, though.
I was supposed to go see it, and I couldn't.

I went out of town.

10. 10.
48, though. Popcorn made a 48.
Yeah.

So

the movie, you didn't finish it? You walked out? It's okay. One of those movies.
Yeah.

The original was. Yeah, I've seen, I mean, I've only seen the first one.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah.

Zoom in there. Jesse Eisenberg, how incredible.
The rest of the cast, magic, how amazing. Rosamond Pike, but Andrew Santino stood out as a complete dud.

Am I really in the first scene? Yeah, first scene. Oh, wow.
Wow, that's a good one. Maybe I'll just go to see it and then leave.
Wow, no, I'd see the movie. I want to see it.
Yeah, I'd love to see it.

we should go as a family we should go watch it support you

i had a guy come up to me and and say yo bad friends i was like what's up man and he's like yo i used to hang out i used to skate with stevie that's so funny that's it was awesome yeah i was like oh really stevie lee yeah he's like yeah he's like tell him i said what's up yeah it was the first time someone talked to me and not asked about you yeah that's cool it was cool because we went back we went back to like you know old little spots sean malto my buddy sean was with me yeah and um, we were just out with a bunch of young skate dudes in Phoenix, yeah, because that's my brother went to ASU and skated a lot there.

Yeah, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, I went, I went there too, yeah, but we were we were with uh a couple of young skate dudes, and one of the dudes was like, Yo, I used to skate with Stevie Lee, and I was like, Oh, that's that's red, but it was so cool because nine times out of ten, hey, where's Bobby?

Yeah, yeah, hey, where's Bobby? You too, yeah, they want to know where you are. Yeah, you too, bat.
No, they never ask you about me. Are you out of your mind? We're Santino.

That's not what they said. Yeah, yeah, I can even tell by by the way you said that

hey where's sentino at

i go he's not here he's in you know we're

with taylor swift

okay

oh what are you gonna get me for christmas do you have my christmas gift let's get me a real gift no no i got you a real gift did did your wife tell you that i called frantically for weeks and she couldn't think of one i know but you and i couldn't think of one either you don't have a wife i didn't get to call anyone.

I had to figure it out on my own. I know, but you have the world.
What do you give somebody that has the world? What are you talking about? In their fingertips. You have everything.

They have that. You have everything.
I still found something for you. I still found something.
Yeah, but it's like there's. No, because I'm creative and I care.
You don't care.

All right, I'll get you.

Oh, you don't need to tell me. Yeah.

But you better get me something good. Tiger Woods rookie card.

A rookie golf card. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know what else. It's like, how do you

like, would you, so

I thought about this. Can we make this deal? When it comes to you and I, we don't give each other gifts.
No deal. We get each other.
No, no, no, no. No deal.

No deal. I want it.
No, I'm out, dog. Please, it's too much.

I spend time thinking about it for too much. All right.
You know what I mean? I'm calling. So it's just you and I just have a handshake.
Like the old days. Like the old days.
That's fine. Yeah, yeah.

I'm fine with it. I'm fine with that.
It's a letdown. How, why? Because I've always thought gifts are fun.

I got you those shoes you never wear. They're still under the desk.

Those Arsenal shoes, they're under there. Oh, yeah.
They've never moved. Yeah, yeah.

Other side. Can you imagine how many young kids would love to have those shoes? And thank you.
I want them there.

Why can't I place the presents that I receive where I want? You know? Well, it's not a painting. They're shoes.
I know, but I want them down here by my other feet.

You have two feet down there?

You have another set of feet? No, no, by my feet. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, my feet looks at him. I'm like, what's up? You know what I mean? Oh.
Yeah, yeah. I just want them there.

Why can't I place the fucking presents? There are fewer shoes. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, say right now things that you want, and then I can have a direction to go. Okay.
All right, so tell me now.

Peace in the Middle East.

All right, so I'll give you

money to give to them.

Okay.

To a cause or something. Okay.
That's what we did with your birthday. Some of the money it gives to the cause.
Give the cause. That's right.
What else do do you have?

Give me something tangible, like something

physical I can buy. An item.

And if you throw it out there, throw a bunch of things out there, then I can, like, you know,

you know what I mean? A loofah.

Okay.

Okay, I need a new loofah.

I want a foot massage machine. Okay, now we're getting somewhere, dude.
I want a Toto Japanese toilet. Okay, this is good.
This is good. This is good.
This is good. Will you buy me a totoile?

No, already with all three things that you just mentioned, I already know exactly what I'm going to get you. Okay, good.
You know what it is? What? Nothing.

I want to hide.

I'll tell you what I really want. What? More than anything in the world.
What?

Is for you

and me to actually

next year make a movie for real. But that's not a birthday gift.
That's something actually. That's a Christmas gift.
That's something that we have to do.

Do you not believe in the miracle of Christmas? I do believe in the miracle of whatever

holiday is. Of course I do.
I mean that holiday. I don't know much about it.
St. Nicholas, there's presents.
There's a rooftop. You know what I mean? There's little horses on the rooftop, whatever.

I get it.

You know what I mean? I understand the North Pole, the Elves.

You know what they call him in Britain? What they call Santa Claus? James? Father Christmas. Oh, Father Christmas.

That's his proper name. There's a lot of English people I may name James.
James. That's true.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, I just threw it out there.

Father Christmas. This fall the Christmas.
Yeah.

What are you guys getting us for Christmas? What do you guys want for Christmas? You're gonna keep your jobs. Okay.
What do you guys want? What do you want for Christmas, for real? Gucci chain.

Fucking Gucci Chain. All right.
Thank you. Your wish is granted.
Okay, what about you, my cone?

I've always wanted an original pressing of Stakes is High, the De La Soul album, because on the repress, they removed all the original samples. So a first pressing of that.
You're such a nerd.

Okay, the first pressing of what? A Last Souls what album? Stakes is high. They're 96 release.
Okay.

Okay, then I'll go with a car.

Original Stakes is High. Did you hear what he just said?

Yeah.

You want a new car.

You want a new car.

It could be you.

What kind of car? The Tesla. What, the Tesla 3? The truck? The

cyber truck? Not the truck. No.
No, the

Y or whatever. Well, there's two SUVs.
There's the X and the Y. Do you know which one you like? You like the one with the goal wing doors? The ones that doors that...

Yes. That's the Y, right?

Yeah, that's the big one.

It's expensive. Okay.
Yeah, they're over. No, no, that's X, right? Or maybe it's the X one that has the doors.

What is the goal? There it is. That's the Tesla Model X.
So you want, that's the big one. Mm-hmm.

You sure that's the one you like?

Okay.

What else are you willing to do?

Because based on the job that you have,

you have to do a little extra. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want to have a Christmas dinner with you guys. No.
No.

I'd rather not. I'd rather buy you a fucking new car than eat food with you.

That's so funny. I'd rather buy you a new car than eat food with you.
All right, so we got the Christmas gift. You want a car, you want a Gucci chain, and you want

an album, an album that we have to. What's a Gucci chain, man? Like a chain from Gucci.
Oh, like a necklace. Yeah, like a gold chain.
Okay. Yeah.
Hey, you shouldn't be that surprised.

You're wearing purses.

Thank you for being a best friend.

yeah.