Episode 121 - Lead and Beef

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

The number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Quails 2.0.

And we should say thank you to Mitchells.

They've actually sent us over a bag of Quails 2.0 delivered here to the office, and they're lovely little things.

Daft as a bag with spanners and so slow.

It's actually quite weird to watch a bird move that slowly.

It's unholy, like God didn't intend this.

Important, do not let the the quails breed.

So, this month we caught up with professional scuba diver Nicholas Summers.

We last spoke to Nicholas when he was working with Hollywood director James Cameron, diving down to the wreck of the Titanic and bringing back tins of beef left inside that stricken ship.

You may remember that Nicholas opened one of the tins of beef here on the show and ate the contents.

Just gonna finish taking the lid off and

The canned beef was absolutely crawling with parasites, but it wasn't all good news.

It was also full of high levels of lead, and it was this lead content that sent Nicholas into a deep coma.

Well, the good news is that not only has he come round from the coma, he's starting a new business, Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Ass Company.

To find out more, I spoke to him earlier this week.

Hello, I'm Nicholas Summers, former scuba diver and now proprietor and sole investor for Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and Beef Ask Company.

Nicholas, thank you so much for speaking with me today.

Obviously, when we last spoke to you, I was in the room as you ate some very, very old tinned beef that you'd bought up from the Titanic.

It turned out what we didn't know at the time was that that was actually so full of lead,

that old meat, that you went into a coma.

Yes, that's right.

I've just spent four months in the ICU where my body has kind of been processing the

ingestion of the high amount of lead that I ate via the beef, which sounds like it would be a kind of horrible thing, but actually it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, we'll get on to that part of things in a moment.

First of all, just tell me about exactly what had happened to you, medically speaking.

I had actually ingested, it turns out, 3.7 billion times more than is kind of acceptable medically.

And I'm sure, you know, you'll know, listeners will know, lead is quite heavy.

So over the course of my stay in the ICU, gradually the lead was kind of settling towards the sort of lower end of my body.

I was lying down.

So over the course of the four months I was there, ultimately all of the lead collected in my arse region.

And that,

to use the medical term, gave you the dump truck ass.

I've dumped truck ass.

That's right.

A perfect medical example of a dump truck ass.

If you're unfamiliar with the concept of a dump truck ass, it is an arse that is so big that it should beep when it reverses.

A real back-end bulldozer.

Honk honk honk if you're thick, get on board the wobble wagon.

We're going to the danger zone donk donk.

He got that beaver dam booty.

Watch out for the rumpopotamus.

First of all, you know, when I came round in the ICU, I said, you know, what's kind of, what's happened, what's going on?

And the doctors were kind of, they were a bit flummox.

You know, normally, if it's bad news, they'll say, I'm afraid it's bad news.

Or if it's good news, they'll say, great news.

Do you know what I mean?

There's a tonal difference and in this case there was kind of a confusion because they they didn't know how I'd react to having a perfect dump truck ass so in the end it kind of ended up sounding

negative and positive at the same time so that sort of confused me more so the doctor was like um I'm afraid we've got possibly good but awful dreadful news and that's really rare for a medical condition it's normally fairly clear-cut isn't it exactly and and it continued you know he said we've looked at your results and they are appallingly good.

And interesting, okay.

You see, and so the whole time, I'm sort of, I'm just coming round.

It's a bit, you know, I'm kind of feeling a bit overwhelmed.

And, you know, I'm saying, doctor, doctor, tell me straight.

And he's saying, Mr.

Summers, this is the worst case of a perfect set of jiggly hams that we've ever seen.

And I'm saying,

what are you...

What are you talking about?

Honestly, Mr.

Summers, I'd sooner, I'd prefer you not to think about because I don't know how you'll react.

This is both the most positive thing that will happen to you in this dreadful set of circumstances.

And it continued like this.

And at one point, I looked at a nurse who had tears in her eyes and she kind of leant down towards me in a really sorrowful manner.

I'd describe she put her hand on my shoulder and said,

I'm terribly sorry, but you, unfortunately, now have the perfect wagon.

Yeah, okay.

Because you're dragging the perfect party wagon.

Exactly.

I'm dragging the perfect wagon, precisely.

And then, you know, when I thought I couldn't get any more confused, they brought in a priest.

And, you know, he's holding the Bible.

He's got a cross in his hand.

He's

that tends to be bad news if you're honest.

He's extremely bad news.

On the board.

Exactly.

But much like the nurses, this priest was grinning.

And I thought there's something not.

Is this good news or bad news?

And was he reading you the last rites?

Absolutely.

He was singing me the last rites, which again is confusing.

Normally it's said in a very somber way.

He had a fantastic baritone.

He's belting it out.

And then the doctors and the nurses are starting to join in.

They're doing like backing vocals.

And I thought,

I can't glean from these set of circumstances what is happening.

And then he gets the, he starts throwing holy water around the room, but it's in a water gun.

Do you know what I mean?

Also fun and lighthearted.

Very puzzling.

Very puzzling.

By the way, did I mention that the priest is also wearing one of those Carmen Miranda fruit hats?

So there's kind of

like bananas,

pineapple, exotic fruits.

Very confusing vibe, though.

Extremely confusing.

And then the priest did the splits.

Now, obviously, that all sounds pretty traumatic.

I mean,

throughout all this, nevertheless, you have got, you know,

a great pair of runaway hippos around the back.

And you have actually described this as the best thing that ever happened to you.

And we'll come on to that in a moment.

But at that time, did you realize it was going to be a positive thing?

No, no,

I didn't.

You know, like you say, I'm sat there in bed with a tightly packed pair of Belarusian cheese farmers wondering, you know, should I be grateful for these curvy crouching tigers or not?

And they'd actually, the, the, the, the hospital staff had actually wheeled in a a mirror, which they'd propped against the wall.

And I, I, I, I looked fantastic.

I just filled out that hospital gown.

I did look pretty, pretty hot.

And it was as I sort of leaned round to touch it that my heart sank slightly because as my as my fingers, you know, reached touchdown on my spammy cray twins, I felt how hard and how cold it was.

Of course, because of the lead.

And at that moment, you know, the doctor came in and he saw me, he saw me sort of caressing my Dr.

Doolittle one and two.

And he said, you know, Nicholas, what's the matter?

And I explained, you know i i feel kind of conflicted doctor you know i look great but i don't feel great i was like is there anything you can do to to make my tweedle dee and tweedle dump truck ass feel better

but he was explaining you know with nhs cuts and there's just not enough money going around and not enough research that the best remedy that the nhs had come up with is is providing patients with a live laugh love cushion which you could kind of duct tape onto your own meaty pillows and that that didn't feel you know like

a sensible solution.

It would interfere with the shape of my ass.

Of course.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, and that's, it feels like a very rudimentary solution there.

You know, that's not because it's giving with one hand and that it's making it soft.

But as you say, it's totally destroying the shape

of that, you know, of Mount Tushmore.

And you want to retain that somehow, right?

Absolutely.

And so I said to the doctor, I was like, come on, surely not.

I've been blessed here with a perfectly perfectly shaped twin millennium dome setup.

You can't be spoiling that.

And that's when he leaned in and he said, I'm not really allowed to kind of

tell you about this because it's not technically legal.

But there's a procedure that you can have done.

He knows a guy who could do it, £5,000 all in.

It could be done in six weeks.

I could wake up.

Not only would I have a perfect looking dump truck ass, I'd have the perfect feeling dump truck ass.

Now, the procedure is a revolutionary thing.

And this takes us nicely on to what you're doing with your business because I believe it's this very procedure that your business is able to offer people.

In a nutshell, what is it that they did to that fine relief map of the dolomites you've got back there to make it feel like a true ass?

Well,

I was surprised by when I was allowed to leave hospital and I was put in contact with

my doctor's friend who would perform the procedure.

I was surprised to actually discover he wasn't a doctor, he was a cattle farmer.

The procedure, in a way, is actually incredibly simple.

Over the course of six weeks, they would essentially pipe in hot mints.

prime beef mints.

Imagine like a kind of reverse liposuction,

but with with premium mints.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, I am imagining that.

And it's

it's fantastic.

Ah, no, no deals.

No deals, pour deals to sell no.

They took

my

Now, the fact that you couldn't get the

British National Health Service to fire ground beef into your arse region is actually a legal issue, right?

It's that would be actually illegal for them to do under the current legal system.

Yes, that's right.

It's an obscure law, I believe, that suggests, or rather states that beef can only be produced to be consumed, not for cosmetic reasons.

And so

this is kind of why I had this brainwave because, you know, you'd think there's no getting around that.

Then I thought, well, okay, so if you can't provide this procedure on land, perhaps the only place you can perform the procedure is in international waters.

Okay, very clever.

You know, as you and your listeners will remember, I'm a scuba diver.

Well, sorry, was a scuba diver.

Try and get my ass into a wetsuit now.

And so I thought, well, hang on, I'm perfectly placed.

I know people with boats.

I know people with scuba equipment.

You know, if you get to get people out there into international waters.

So I immediately called up jose who was my old uh he he used to drive the dive boat that that we'd take divers out with and he was he was he was well up for it you know i said listen jose don't ask any questions but i've got a dump truck ass it's been piped with hot mints and we're going to do this to as many people as we can because i feel incredible He didn't ask any questions.

I'm not sure he understood actually.

He doesn't say much, so I'm not sure if he speaks English.

But anyway, head down to the harbour.

He starts revving up the propellers of the dive boat.

We go and scout out a spot in international waters, find the perfect place.

And that's where Spherical Horizons, the Nicolas Summers Lead and BFAS Company, was formed.

How does this differ from, you know, we hear about the Brazilian butt lift?

You know, the Brazilians have really made that a sort of national, a sort of national industry, really.

So what do you say to people who say, I don't need this lead and beef situation, I can just go to Sao Paulo and get myself a Brazilian arse.

How long is that Brazilian arse lasting?

Do you know the answer to that question?

No.

No.

No one does.

Some Brazilian arse will last months, some will last years, sure.

But the one thing that is going to last forever is an alloy of lead and beef mints.

A lead beef ass is outlasting you.

Right.

I want to live in a world where in thousands of years time, you know, historians, archaeologists will be

unearthing coffins and bodies and the remains of our generation.

And they're going to see the bones won't be there, but the perfect dump truck ass will be.

That is going to survive.

And when the whole planet goes to shit, the one thing that's still going to be there is that lead, beef, dump truck ass.

And that's a Nicholas Summers promise.

So it's really that durable that in a kind of apocalypse event, all there might be left is, what do they say, cockroaches and a lead and beef ass.

Yes, that's right.

I think

what I would say, you know, it's incredibly durable, but when heated to a certain temperature, there have been

reports.

We've not really investigated.

I deny them.

I don't think they're true.

I think they're kind of rumors whipped up by the Brazilian butt lift industry.

It's a very, very powerful lobby to discredit the lead and beef arse.

And those rumors are that if you heat up the lead and beef arse to a certain temperature, it will explode.

And so, you know, there are stories of people who

have passed and they have a lead beef dump truck ass, they're cremated.

As soon as they go into the furnace, they take out the whole town.

Those rumors haven't been verified.

As far as I'm aware, the Brazilian buttlift lobby haven't provided much evidence.

But I would say that if you have had the procedure done, don't stand with your back too close to a radiator.

Okay, and kind of heated seats in a car, maybe as yeah, turn those off.

You know, candles.

I'd say, you know,

the heat from the sun between the hours of about 5:30 a.m.

to probably about 9 p.m., just to be safe.

So, how popular is Spherical Horizons, the Nicholas Summers Lead and BFAS Company?

How many procedures are you doing, for example, on a weekly basis?

Well, I mean, you know, it's like any new technology.

I think, you know, it takes a while to take a hold in society, you know, for people to kind of hear about it.

We are very much based in international waters.

It's quite hard to get Wi-Fi out there.

So a lot of our business is through word of mouth.

Again,

we're in international waters, so that word of mouth is mainly through the kind of the mouth of you know oil riggers um cargo sailors you know elderly yachtsmen trying to kind of sail across the world because they've just got divorced and they're not exactly our prime audience so we haven't done as many procedures as i would have liked um okay but you know it's it's early days just and just a number will suffice how many times have you um done a procedure with you and someone how many times how many times have i done the procedure oh um hundreds yeah hundreds of times I have done the procedure you've had hundreds of customers you've had hundreds of customers

well that's a slightly different quite that's a slightly different frame of the question we have I have conducted the procedure hundreds of times

sorry I'm just picking up this is a bit weird

you're being a bit cagey about this I'm not really sure why you've done the you've done hundreds of these procedures

yes

well

we so I've done the procedure hundreds of times on

Jose

because,

as I mentioned, its footfall has been low.

And, you know, it's the sort of procedure you need to do often,

regularly, in order to kind of keep it fresh in the mind.

And also the beef mint does go off.

And

it's a fair distance where we're based to the nearest bit of land in order to stock up on the mints.

So in the end, yeah,

Jose has had

hundreds of lead beef arse procedures.

How's he

looking as a result of this?

Well, you know,

he's got a

fair-sized pair of premium lunchables on him, taking up a lot of room on the boat.

That guy's got a got a porch.

He's got a hefty porch, yeah.

And, you know, inadvertently, as a result of having this procedure done to him over and over again, his arse acted as a billboard.

And through that, we actually got our first customer who was an elderly yachtsman.

Oh, great.

Okay, so it's not just Jose who's had the procedure.

No, we've also had

customers, proper customers.

We've had customers.

Great.

And tell me about how that went then.

I guess he's your first member of the public who had the procedure?

It was great.

Yeah?

Yes, it was really everything.

So was he pleased with it?

Oh, he's delighted to.

I don't don't know if an old man.

I don't know how old he was, but I don't know if an old man is what people are picturing when they imagine someone getting

their bum done.

Well, exactly.

I mean, this is kind of what we want to challenge.

It's not just, you know, it's not for the young.

You can have it.

People of all ages are welcome.

But yeah, he.

So

is he pleased with it?

Oh, absolutely.

I would say it's completely transformed his life.

Totally.

Wow.

Wow.

So in what way has it transformed his life?

Well,

it's transformed his life in quite a fundamental way

because, you know, he's dead.

Okay.

So he died as a result of the procedure?

Well, I think that's up for debate.

He died while I was piping molten lead and steaming hot beef into his ass region.

Yes, I'd say it's up for debate whether that was the direct cause of his death.

I mean, you know,

he was having a great time while I was

got the power hose.

He was FaceTiming his ex-wife, shouting, you know, look what you could have had.

Look what you could have had.

Look what I'm having done.

Look what you're missing out on.

Okay, so that was a positive experience for him, perhaps?

Yes.

Yeah, the remaining sort of 12 to 13 seconds

of his life was enjoyable, I believe.

Yes.

So, okay, so you were left with a dead body.

You're in the middle of the sea.

What do you do just what?

Do you just chuck it in or do you send it back to his ex-wife or what happened then?

Well, out of respect we um put it in in

the yacht that he pulled up in we we just sort of slipped him back on there and and we sort of i guess tried to do a kind of viking burial type thing you know we we we popped him in his yacht set fire to the sail watched him float out and about three minutes later he completely exploded huge huge explosion it was

just

i mean i felt like it i felt like oppenheimer Because it was your fault.

I mean, it was because that arse was going up by the sounds thing.

Well, that, I think, is up for debate.

I don't, you know, we'd not searched his yacht.

I don't know.

He might have been carrying, I don't know, some kind of.

He might have had a nuclear warhead.

Is that what you're saying?

Exactly.

Yes, precisely.

He would have at least a ballistic missile.

This explosion was...

Good God.

I mean,

you would have been able to see it from space.

Do you think it's plausible, the idea that he's gone yachting with a missile?

Yeah, you know, he was clearly very affected by his divorce, and

men deal with that in different ways.

You know, some people get into cycling, other people decide to sail around the world in a yacht with a nuclear warhead.

And were you harmed by this huge explosion?

Because you can't have been that far away.

Well,

thank goodness that I'd finished, you know, my 50th procedure on Jose because I was taking refuge behind his enormous arse.

Were it not for that,

I don't think I'd be here.

Jose's arse provided a lot of shelter.

Okay, so it's fair to say that sales aren't necessarily roaring for you.

Do you have any plans for how you could maybe turn the business around and get, you know, obviously this podcast interview will help, but

have you got any plans on how you can get this into the public imagination and get them signing up to have hot beef and lead pumped into their ass I have got an ace up my sleeve which is of course my good friend James Cameron

and of course he's of course working on

you know he's he's a magician when it comes to CGI and filmmaking and he's most recently been working on the the third avatar film and so I'm in discussions with James.

I don't want to give too much information because, you know, nothing's been agreed yet.

But I'm very, very close to persuading James to CGI dump truck asses onto the blue Na'Vi people.

Wow.

And that would be huge.

I mean, obviously possible.

We've seen it with Pixar.

They've done so much to promote the dump truck ass.

And to put that then into the context of Avatar, now, we've talked before in this podcast about the cultural power of Avatar.

Humans are mimetic creatures, right?

We like to imitate what we see.

Every human being in the world is going to be watching Avatar 3, give or take, right?

That could have a huge, huge impact.

Because, of course, with Avatar 1 and 2, people went out and wanted to emulate those characters, their heroes.

You know, people tried to ride around on the back of a kind of flying horse snake.

It wasn't possible, but people tried.

Absolutely.

And I think what will happen here is they'll see those dump truck asses and they'll say, I want to do that, but hang on, it's not possible.

And you're here to say, it is possible.

It absolutely is possible.

And, you know,

as well as,

you know, the film being shown to every single person in the world,

once James, once I have convinced James, we've got the infrastructure ready to get a minibus outside every single cinema on the planet so that when those people see those dump truck asses on screen they think you know as you said you know previously they've been like how do i how do i ride a flying horse now they're going to come out the theater screen how do i get a dump truck ass like that hello i'll be there with jose we're ready to go get in the minibus head down to the harbor you know get the propellers on the boats going jose's behind the wheel you know everyone get on please no naked flames pop put that cigarette out please absolutely no no heat on the boat but i you know like i said 12 minutes for a procedure that's all it takes just let's we've got a conveyor belt i i can see it now i reckon within four to five months 30 of the global population will have a lead beef dump truck ass and the brazilian butt lift lobby will be blown clean out of the water just like the old yachtsman who not related to the dump truck ass but if you think that was a big explosion, wait until the Brazilian butt lift lobby goes up in flames.

Well, Nicolas Summers, thank you so much for the interview.

It's been really interesting, and I wish you all the best with your new business.

I'm sure things will pick up and a potential exciting future, I think, for you.

So, yeah, great to speak to you.

Well, thank you, thank you so much for having me.

I did just before the interview ended,

I did want to ask you if you'd like to have the procedure done.

I'd be delighted to perform it myself.

Oh, I don't know.

Totally free of charge.

Totally free of charge.

It's just as a gesture for

providing this platform for us to spread the word about the Lead and Beef art.

That's really very kind of you, Nicholas.

That is kind of you, but I'm afraid I can't accept.

No.

And actually, it's really an.

Yes,

I can't be seen to be taking freebies.

Obviously, it's a journalistic ethics issue, really.

We're friends.

No, forget the ethics.

Let's just do it as friends.

It's not related to this then.

I'd just love to get you down that harbor.

I'll get Jose to come round.

We'll pop you on the boat.

We'll get that dump truck ass on you.

Attractive, though, that is, Nicholas.

I'm not great on a boat.

That's the thing.

I'm not.

I'm a landlubber.

We'll figure something out.

You know, we can kind of make sure the boat is steady.

No, come on.

Let's, it'll be great.

Please.

I just really don't.

I just don't want.

I really don't want the procedure, actually.

Please, I would just have the procedure.

Please.

Nobody is having this thing done.

Do you know?

Do you know how much money I have plowed into this business?

Lead costs a fortune.

Lead and mints is going up.

Please, just let me do it free of charge.

The man, the man's family that we blew up are suing, okay?

Look, I didn't want to brick.

They are suing my ass.

Do you understand?

My dump truck ass.

They are suing.

And they think that I was responsible for exploding him.

It's not.

There's no proof that the dump truck ass has any connection whatsoever to Richter scale level explosions.

Just have it.

It sounds like a sufficient proof.

Free.

Just do it now.

I will do it personally.

Wherever you are, I'll send an Uber, get you down.

Please, please, I need this.

Jose is a monster.

What I've done to him is unbelievable.

He's a freak of nature.

His ass is enormous.

It's just too big.

It's too big.

50 procedures is too many.

I cannot do it to him again.

I will never forgive myself for what I did to him.

He doesn't even know what's happening.

I'm trying to calm him down, but he just doesn't understand any English.

What's happened to him?

It's a disgrace.

I need to be stopped.

Please send the navy.

Torpedo the ship.

think this has to end.

Please, I need to be sunk.

I need to be sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

May my leaden ass pull me to the bottom of the sea.

Nicholas Summers, thank you very much.

Yep, thanks very much.

It's been an absolute pleasure.

A big thanks to Nicholas Summers for that interview.

And if you want a spherical horizons at Nicolas Summers Lead and Beef Arse Company arse, simply sail out of the Irish port of Galway, chart a course west towards the Azores, and you should see his boat.

Just look for the man with the giant arse.

And I'm informed for some reason it lights up at night.

Speaking of the man with the giant arse, I also got a chance to speak briefly with Jose.

Jose!

Jose, can you hear me?

Jose!

Maiscani!

You want a big round art?

Jose?

Strange Guy.

So that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we ask, how do planes work?

What's going on there?

The wings don't even flap?

Like, seriously, something's something's not on, something's not right there.

Do you know what I mean?

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Cody Dahla and Ricardo V.

And this is a big recommend from me.

You should definitely check out Cody's podcast.

It's called The Truth Brackets, in My Opinion.

The brackets are brackets, it's not the word brackets.

It's a really, really excellent comedy about the news podcast, and I don't miss an episode.

So that's my little tip for you this week.

If you like too many podcasts, you'll love SoundTeap with John Lick Roberts.

It's got clips from all your favourite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO.

Leonard Sprague, tell me how you make your money.

I go to the beach and I steal people's towels.

Remember armour.

Do you remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on the head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight?

And LT Jom's lobbily songs.

I'm here today with Kiki D.

Hello, Kiki D.

Hello, Elton.

There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now.

So, if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Sound Teap on Maximum Fun.

Boop, boop.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So, let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

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I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

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