Episode 118 - The Oldest Milkman In The World

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine.

Brought to you by Mitchell's Beef Boost Hippo Hormones.

And we'd like to thank Mitchells for their gift, which we received this morning here at Beef and Dairy HQ, a four-story high inflatable rubber balloon in the shape of a hippo's hypothalamus, filled with helium.

We tethered it to the top of the building and it bobbed proudly for four or five minutes before catching a gust of wind, tearing off the roof, floating away and getting caught on a pylon, which took down the electricity supply to the whole of Aylesbury.

Aylesbury!

Luckily, we have a backup generator here, which runs on old beef grease.

But the rest of the town has been plunged plunged into darkness, and just minutes after the power going out, the looting and disorder began.

I'm sure you can imagine the kind of scenes, people stealing onions, not taking back library books, and photocopying sheet music, maybe importing lemons without the correct license, and taping songs off the radio onto a cassette.

Watching society break down so quickly was truly fascinating, and reminiscent of when TikTok was turned off for three hours in America, and the murder rate spiked to its highest level since the Al Capone era.

Luckily, here at Beef and Dairy HQ, we've been preparing for full societal collapse for years, and we were able to call on the militia that we have on retainer.

The Legion of the Sovereign, as they call themselves, are a sort of Praetorian guard, made up of members of a local English Civil War Reenactment Society, who, to be honest, are just happy to have an excuse to get their kit out and use it in anger.

And to be fair, they've done a great job.

providing us with the sort of peace of mind that can only really be achieved by knowing that your personal safety is being dealt with by a retired accountant dressed as Oliver Cromwell.

Anyway, this month the Milk Marketing Board announced that the popularity of old-fashioned doorstep milk deliveries has now continued to rise for the fourth year in a row.

And so I thought it'd be a good time to catch up with milkman Len Byrow, who we last spoke to a couple of years ago to see how things have been going for him.

And despite being 94 years old, he's still going strong, delivering milk on the streets of his hometown of Tinmouth.

Hello, my name is Len Byrow and I am a milkman.

Len, it is great to talk to you again.

Thanks for coming on the show.

It's a pleasure.

It's been

a period of time since we last spoke, but yeah, but a couple of years, I think.

A few years, and to tell the truth, I'm surprised I'm still here, ambling on.

Well, you're 94 years old, Len.

Still alive, still going incredibly strong and incredibly proud to be back on the show.

Last time I was here, the response was fantastic.

The amount of customers

who

started calling me, potentially there was a stalker,

nothing sexual, just someone very interested in where I lived.

It was a fantastic response.

So it's great to be back.

Well,

we spoke to you, as you say, a couple of years ago.

We were talking about how milk deliveries are becoming more popular and they're continuing to become more popular as people like that idea of the old milkman coming around and you are a very old milkman as i said you're 94.

94.

and i believe after the coverage that you had on this show last time you were contacted then by the milk marketing board of the uk and they wanted to run with the idea that you are

the oldest milkman in the world oldest milkman in the world

Something I'm incredibly proud of.

I've had a wonderful life.

I'm proud of everything I've done.

But to be the oldest milkman in the world truly is a badge of honor.

Tell me about what happened when the milk marketing board got in touch.

Were you expecting that or was it just tugged out of the blue?

Well, the whole experience has been wonderful.

You see,

a few months ago, I woke up, as I do at half past three, preparing myself to staple Robert, my horse, onto the front of the car and start my milk round.

As listeners may or may not know, I have a horse whose back legs have been removed.

I fasten him onto my car.

I deliver my milk that way every day.

And just to be clear, just in case people don't remember, the horse is dragging the car.

The horse is attached to the front of the car and is dragging the car.

It's not that the car is pushing the front end of the horse along.

No, the car itself is simply placed into neutral.

And then so the free free free movement is available.

The back end of the horse, the legs have been removed,

is fastened to the car.

The horse then uses its front stumps.

They're not legs anymore.

They've worn down considerably, and it is medicated on ketamine.

and it uses its front stumps to to drag the vehicle along the road.

So it's the same speed as a

traditional milk float.

There's nothing dangerous about it.

And it just adds a certain rustic charm to my delivery and my customers love it.

So, you know,

getting up as normal, half past three in the morning, fastening the the body of the horse, the heavily medicated horse to the car and preparing to deliver the milk.

When out of nowhere came my local postman.

And great to see another early morning worker.

And we started chatting.

He said, I've got a letter for you.

I thought, fantastic.

I don't get many letters these days, apart from the one regarding my stalker, but that's a, that's another issue.

I opened the letter and the milk marketing board had been in touch saying, I was the oldest milkman in the world.

Wow.

That must have felt amazing.

It was absolutely fantastic to know I was the oldest, oldest milkman in the world.

And to celebrate this, this is what really, tears filled my eyes.

A dinner was to be held with

a presentation, a three-course dinner, by the way.

The starter was

a trout pate.

Well, a traditional trout course.

Traditional, as always.

The main was based around beef gelatin, and that had been,

what's the correct word, melted down to create a type of liquid that was seasoned with

what was it?

It was salt.

That was very, very nice.

I believe in France, that's known as the devil's salty arse water.

Yeah, salted beef gelatin delight, I think, was the correct name on the menu.

So it's very, very tasty.

And for dessert, was a chocolate fondant,

but that was seasoned with, again, the leftover beef gelatin from the main

A wonderful meal.

But besides that, I was to be awarded the

prize of being the oldest milk mall in the world.

And I was so, so, very excited and so happy to be there.

And it was in Solihull in the Midlands.

So I got not only to leave here, Tynmouth, but to go on a day trip to the Midlands, which was fantastic.

And it was held in a local bridge club.

The Milk Marketing Board had begun in touch.

They'd hired the room out.

There were over 85 people.

And not just any old people, I'm right in thinking, Len, because you were given the award by a top celebrity.

I was.

I mean, imagine what it's like to meet someone you've always dreamt of meeting.

It's very, very exciting.

I mean, to this day, I still hold it very, very, very, very close.

It was Esther Ranson of That's Life fame, which if you are

a listener to this program from outside of the UK, Esther Ranson is one of the most beautiful women in television history.

She's a wonderful presenter.

She has a talent like no other.

And she's very, very famous for running a programme called That's Life in the late 80s, which primarily was based around people sending in images of misshapen fruit that often looked like a penis or packets of crisps from foreign countries which had strange names.

For example, instead of being called salt and vinegar, the crisps might have been called something in a foreign language that sounded like a swear word, like a hiss or tit.

Absolutely wonderful programme.

It was wonderful to meet Esther Ranson, to have her hold me by the arms and dangle me over the front of the balcony as everybody clapped.

It was a real treat,

swaying me backwards and forwards in front of the crowd.

I was, to be honest, quite nervous because her hands were slick with beef gelating.

I mean, obviously, we'd really tucked into that meal there.

It was all across the front of her chin, down the front of her chest, across her dress, and on her arms.

We were all caked in it, to be honest.

We were having such a good time.

But she held on very, very tightly and she dangled me in front of the crowd and everybody cheered.

Three cheers for the oldest milkman in the world.

Hip hip, who's are?

Hip hip, who's are?

Hip hip.

Well, you understand the third, it's the same thing.

And after this, I was so overjoyed.

I spent the evening with Esther Rance and we exchanged stories of the rest of the That's Life team.

And it was a wonderful evening.

And I had such a great experience.

I went home with a poster.

I went home with a medal.

I went home with a smile on my face and got to spend the night in a travel lodge as well.

It was a wonderful, wonderful experience.

And of course, the echoes of that evening then reverberated throughout your life.

You know, you were the world's oldest milkman, and the world knew about it.

What was it like in that time immediately after that was announced?

I was front page news.

Everybody knew who I was.

The milk round itself, I'd increased my customer base by eight.

So eight

new customers,

you know, who were happily accepting milk off of me.

Robert, the horse was incredibly happy to to be given the extra work as well i mean when i say he was incredibly happy i was still smashing massive amounts of ketamine into him um through the pipe system i created whereby once i'd fastened his back end onto the front of the car and his bloody stumps had had the skateboards applied i would then take out the ketamine tube stuff it with the ketamine pop it into each nostril and

blow the ketamine into each nostril and he was flying through time and space having a wonderful experience.

And I believe that subsequent to the event then, not only were, you know, you're a famous person, everyone's amazed that the oldest woman in the world lives in their town and, you know, people are waving at you in the street and suddenly you're a celebrity, you found out a rather extraordinary thing about Esther Ranson.

Obviously, as I'd mentioned, since I'd been on your podcast, I'd had a stalker.

I had no idea who this person was.

It works out, Esther Ranson herself had been said stalker.

Oh.

Now, for most people, a stalker is something terrifying.

For me to find out Esther Hanson was my stalker was the pinnacle of my life.

A wonderful experience to see her gleaming teeth smiling at me as she said the words, I'm the one who sent the rabbit's head.

And I knew what she meant straight away.

Gosh, because yeah, of course, you know, being stalked is usually an awful thing, but that sounds wonderful.

Everything was wonderful, and everybody was having a great time.

The business was booming, and I really couldn't have asked for anything else.

There was nothing that could change my outlook on the world.

Everything was sunny.

Everything was just absolutely fantastic.

It wasn't to remain that way though.

Back to our interview later.

But first we've had a huge response to last month's episode in which we spent some time talking about so-called hot oxing, the trend amongst young people to blow cannabis smoke directly into the anuses of cows.

It really got you talking, and our inbox lit up with your responses to this issue.

Sarah Rockborough from Hexham emailed to say, I was disgusted to hear that teenagers would do that to a cow's anus.

The only things that should go into a cow's anus are the gloved hand of a vet, a farmer's gun, or the hand of the Prime Minister.

Thanks for that, Sarah.

Tessa Rothman from Manchester wrote, what I can't understand is that teenagers will often say that they resort to blowing cannabis into the anus of cattle because they are bored.

This doesn't make sense to me.

I think young people need to be encouraged to do something useful for the community, like bathing the elderly.

Interesting point there, Tessa.

And finally, Alan Pugh from Derbyshire writes, I was disgusted to learn about the prevalence of cannabis use.

When it comes to cannabis, the only joints I'm interested in are joints of beef.

When I say that I'm getting baked, I mean that I'm baking a beef pie.

When I say that I'm getting fried, what I mean is that I'm frying beef for my family.

If I'm rolling one, I'm talking about a brisket.

If I'm sparking up, that means I'm having ideas about new beef recipes.

The only thing I pass on the left-hand side is a piping hot gravy boat.

When I'm getting my hands on some herb, I'm talking about the rosemary that I'm rubbing onto my Sunday rib of beef.

The only hot box in my house is my oven, cooking up some beef for my family.

When I'm smoking a fat one, I'm talking about the top rump that's in my barbecue.

The only Mary Jane I want is my wife, Mary Jane.

The only pot I want is one full of beef casserole.

When I get a big bowl of hash, I'm talking about corn beef hash.

And the only grass I'm interested in is the lush pastures that sustain beef cows.

When I'm hitting the bong, I mean that I'm ringing the gong that I have in my house to let my children know that the beef is ready.

When I'm getting stoned, that means that the local community are pelting me with rocks because I've been stealing beef again.

And when I'm taking a hit, that means that one of the rocks has made contact with me.

For me, THC stands for the hurling crew, and 420 stands for the number of times I've been hit by a rock.

For me, the only blunt I know is the blunt force of the rocks hitting my head and body.

Thank you for that, Alan.

Sounds like you have a very rich life.

A very rich life indeed.

More after this.

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But what's the worst that could happen?

Now it's time to go back to our big interview with Len Byrow.

Having received a letter telling him that he was the oldest milkman in the world, he then received a second, less welcome letter from the Milk Marketing Board.

From the highs of

the fame, I suddenly came crashing down to earth after receiving an apology from the milk marketing board because after everything they'd gone through, and I understand where they're coming from, they'd obviously thought they were helping.

I was in fact informed

everything was a lie.

I was not the oldest milkman in the world.

And in fact, that title was held by a man called Paul Menendez, a Chilean man.

Everything I'd been awarded was to be stripped away from me

and given to him in a ceremony in Chile.

They apologized profusely, and they did offer me the opportunity to visit Santiago in Chile, to stay in a three-star hotel and to meet said man,

pass him on my title,

and still hold, as a gesture of goodwill, the title of oldest milkman in Britain.

I was in pieces.

How does one begin to come to terms with

that?

And what kind of effect did that have on you?

It's something I can't bring myself to talk about, but

I'll just say I hold very dearly and very closely to my heart the fact that Esther Anson's greasy hands once held me aloft and swung me from a balcony.

And although that may never happen again, I know it's, as the saying goes, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I've tried desperately to reach out to Esther, but so far

there's been nothing.

I am trying to move on regarding that.

That's probably the hardest thing, knowing that, you know, if I ever find a root vegetable that looks like a penis or a packet of crisps that look like their brand name is something like shit or piss, I've got no one to share that with now.

So there's a sadness there.

No, it wasn't all bad news, though, was it?

Because as you said, you were invited over to South America to stay in the three-star hotel and you did go over there.

You took your horse, Robert, and you met Paul.

And I believe that you hit it off, or at least you...

you had a lot of similarities.

You realized that your lives were actually very, very similar.

It was a very unique experience.

Almost stunning in some ways, because as two men who've never met

but are of a very similar age and have had a very very similar profession the idea of him having an alpaca

that had lost its back legs and he'd fastened it to the front of his own vehicle popped his own vehicle into neutral and would then allow the alpaca to drag it through the streets of santiago was

incredibly similar to my experience.

I mean, it was wonderful.

I mean, obviously language was a barrier, but the experience of the two of us seeing the similarities.

I mean, him, you know, holding up Robert, my horse's front legs, the bloodied stumps, and laughing whilst I held his alpaca's stumps.

And we realized the similarities.

Him then allowing me to share my supply of ketamine by blowing some of it into the nose of his alpaca

through the tube, straight in, and him in...

in turn showing me how he kept his alpaca going by using a pure cocaine and him blowing some of of that into the nose of my horse and we we had a cultural exchange like none other we had so much in common i felt there was a bond i mean that's very clear in the video uh which has been released it's an amazing video the two of you with the alpaca and the horse and um

the cocaine and the and the the um ketamine as well yeah

an incredible moment Very emotional.

But what makes it all the more emotional is that right at the end of that video, which you can see on YouTube, of course,

the screen darkens and it says, unfortunately, the day after this was filmed, Paul disappeared and

hasn't been seen since.

And that really puts a sort of

a sad note on the end of what has been a very happy song to that point.

The only good thing to come out of this is the fact that I now have regained the title of the world's oldest milkman.

But have you, though, Len?

Because, you know, he's missing.

He's only been missing now for

about

six or nine months, I think.

Six months and 18 days

since he vanished.

So there's every chance he could be alive somewhere and still be the world's oldest milkman.

Is that not fair to say?

There is a chance, but also if I was to tell you that he won't be coming back.

You're confident of that?

I need to be completely truthful here.

Paul will not be coming back.

I murdered him.

I took him out to the desert.

I held a plastic bag over his head and I drained the life out of him.

In full view of his alpaca, who I shot.

Len,

just to butt in here, I mean, this is an incredible admission on your part.

This isn't something I was necessarily prepared for.

Are you saying that you,

just to be totally clear, you're saying that you murdered Paul Menendez?

It's a confession.

And I want the world to know that I would never dream of hurting any other man unless they

impose on me.

And the fact that it was the oldest milkman in the world drove me insane.

And in that moment, I took him out and I killed him.

I drank his blood for his strength.

i ate his heart for his energy and i took a portion of his brain and ate that as well

i also wear one of his nipples around my neck as a uh a memento of that i'm not afraid to take anyone on i have the strength of a thousand men i have killed and i will kill again if it means i am still the world's oldest milkman okay now

what happens when you know this goes out the police become aware of this the men and his family become aware of this What happens then, Len?

Have you thought, have you thought that far?

What can they do?

What can they do?

What can they do to

imprison you?

I mean, they can arrest you.

There is no way that they will catch me.

I will take on anyone, young or old, and I will fight you to the death.

And who cares if you put me in prison?

How long have I got anyway?

Days, literally days.

I'm in my 90s for Christ's sake.

I don't care anymore.

I have no fear.

I will fight any man.

Okay.

Just to remind you, you're 94 years old.

You're quite physically frail.

But I have the mind of a maniac.

And I live in a permanent care-hole.

I feel no pain.

One final question, Len.

Of course.

Where has this violence come from?

You felt like a very

placid kind of person when we spoke last time.

And even for most of this interview, you feels like you're a very relaxed and peaceful man.

Where's this other side of you come from?

I use Google a lot and quite often the algorithm will suggest products for health.

And I came across some testosterone replacement tablets on a Google advert.

I've been taking them for just over 12 months now.

And it's certainly a marked difference on my approach to people.

Are you sure you're taking the right dosage of that?

Basically,

I took my first pack on.

I ate the entire thing.

And to be honest, they didn't do that much.

They did.

There was

some difference to my um my my life in general um but over time that i needed a stronger dose i spoke to a local friend of mine who's a vet who looks at the horse i ended up managing to get some um

hippo testosterone replacement tablets and i haven't looked back since incredibly powerful just to be clear you're you're taking testosterone at a kind of hippo level dose uh on a daily basis I mean just crushing it up and snorting it daily now, but

I feel like a 14-year-old with the testicles of a hippopotamus fantastic top of the world

wow okay well len by thank you very much thank you

a big thanks to len byrow for that interview and a reminder that hippo hormone should not be ingested by humans but no one can stop you

So that's all we've got time for this month.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you'll you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we sit down for a big pasta meal with a CGI pavarotti.

So until next time, beef out.

Thanks to John Rutledge.

Hey, everybody, I'm Jeremy.

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