Episode 117 - Beef 2024

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the podcast companion to the Beef and Dairy Network website, as well as the printed magazine, brought to you by Dr.

Gaffery's Autumn Tonic.

Now, as we reach the end of the year, it's natural to reflect back on what has come before.

And joining me today to help sift through 2024 are Alan Bauker, the editor of the magazine Beef Week.

Hello.

And Vanessa Renard, formerly the Telegraph's pork correspondent, but now responsible for the Swineherds Daily, a daily email newsletter for the pork industry.

Thank you for having me.

Alan, how has 2024 been for our old rivals, Beef Week?

Oh, it's been a fantastic year, really great year.

We feel lucky, quite frankly, because I know it's been a tough year for a lot of people in the beef and dairy industry.

You know, well, but we, you know, we are fortunate that even in these tough times, our magazine has managed to actually increase sales.

We've risen to 4 million copies a week in the UK, which has been a big landmark for us.

Sorry, did you say 4 million copies?

4 million copies a week, absolutely.

Yeah.

Just in the UK?

That's just in the UK, I believe.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

No, hang on.

UK population is what?

60, 70 million?

Well,

so that's what that's almost 10% of UK citizens.

You came up buying a copy of Beef Week.

That includes the elderly.

Yes, we're very popular with the elderly.

Children?

Yep, children.

Children, we've got, well, you know, we have the little

word searches and things at the back.

That's proved very popular with the children.

It's very popular.

Vanessa, a big year for you.

Yes.

First of all, thanks for crossing the drawbridge and coming into Beef Towers.

I know, obviously, you're from the pork side of the tracks.

Always, always happy to

shake trotters with fellow farming enthusiasts.

Well, I wouldn't necessarily put us all in the same

brackets.

Contamination, we call it, don't we?

Yes, certainly don't we want to avoid that, certainly.

Yes, yes.

But

big gift, you've moved from print to online.

Yes, well, we just felt like

we didn't need to move with the times, and

so we felt like it was time, really.

Because I'm surprised a pig farmer can turn on a computer much less.

Read an email.

Oh, come on.

We've all heard those silly rumors.

That's not the case that pig farmers think the keyboard of a computer is a big wobbly coaster.

No, they are all very adept, and

the readership of

the online daily version

has really

outstripped the print version already.

So we're really pleased.

Probably bots, isn't it?

Mostly.

Mostly.

Beef 2024.

24.

So the way this is going to work is I've asked my two guests to bring in some of their favourite stories from across the year for us to think back over 2024 and reflect on an amazing year it's been.

I've also selected some of the stories myself and yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, it's been it's quite a task.

It's choosing your favourite child.

It's been

hard, but a wonderful, wonderful task.

What a thrill.

I'm excited.

So let's start with one of yours, Vanessa.

Thank you very much.

What is it?

So February 2024 was the first time that anyone worldwide managed to breed a pig that can run as fast as a dog.

Of course.

And we were all obviously incredibly proud that it happens here in Britain.

Yes, I mean, it's something of, you know, it's something, but

obviously

any cow can outpace a pig or indeed a dog.

So it's absolutely.

You know, it's rare to see a cow sprint, but when they do go for it, it's like watching a runaway trainer at a beef.

It's, you know.

You must have seen that when one of the patents oh it's majestic you see them stampeding across across the pastures it's it's really a sight to behold and then i think it would be uh i i can't see that really having quite the same effect of a sort of you know a jogging pig you know it's probably quite a sad sight like where you see someone

trying to lose weight and you're just like it's not going to happen mate just give up you know okay i mean that's but the the point is we're talking about the achievement of the pig the the achievement of the people around the pigs trainers the pigs um well isn't an achievement i guess is my question.

You know, does the pig want to run house?

It's an achievement, it's definitely an achievement because it's never happened before, and now we've achieved it.

Okay, well, Vanessa, you were there on the day, I believe.

So I wonder if you can tell us about what exactly how that happened and how it played out.

So, well, I'm tearing up thinking about it actually because so many people work so hard to make this happen.

So, we were in Wolverhampton and

they had to do two laps of Wolverhampton City Hall,

and the pig came out on top.

No surprises that the pig is called Speedy

and he's a cross between a Gloucestershire old spot and a Balinese island hog

which is I mean it's the perfect combo really if you want speed and accuracy going around those tight corners.

Well I've actually got some news footage from the time.

This is what a bystander had to say.

I cannot believe what I've just seen.

I can't.

Sorry, this is a lot for me to process.

Oh my god.

That pig was faster than a dog.

I cannot believe what I've just seen.

That pig was faster than a dog.

Was that a real pig?

I mean,

I think...

Sorry, I can't actually...

I never thought I'd see.

I never thought I'd see a pig be faster than a dog.

I never thought I'd see a pig be faster than a dog, but that pig was faster than that dog.

What about the suggestion, you know, it's it's been a few months now since that happened and since that time the internet has gone crazy about this.

There's definitely a strong suggestion that they'd actually weighted the dog down by feeding it sand.

Now, people will create conspiracy theories wherever there is victory, wherever there is success.

People are cynical about it and that's a terribly sad...

sad sort of indictment of how things are today, that nobody can achieve anything without somebody trying to pull them down.

Yeah, okay, but what about the video went round on Twitter, Reddit, of the dog afterwards farting sand?

Well, the dog had been

travelling through sand and maybe, I don't know,

its rear end had kind of sort of in height.

I mean, he did sandblast a driveway, quite literally.

You could see it.

It was quite shocking.

Well, we've actually got someone in the studio to join us who was there and who was involved on the day.

It's Terry Topps, resident of Wolverhampton.

Welcome, Terry.

All right.

Now, Terry,

it's so good to have you here.

Sorry, what was that?

Thank you for having me.

No,

it was your job to look after the dog, wasn't it, Terry?

Oh, that's it, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, they get it me, they get it me to mind it.

And

oh, that would it really.

And so, what when you when I say look after the dog, what's that mean?

You have to feed it and well, I was over there, do I, with uh, there's the mayor, he's there, and uh I went with my cousin, um I say my cousin, he's my cousin's cousin's mate's cousin, but near enough, um, and he says, Oh, come come with me, I've got some to do this afternoon.

I goes with him, he's tucked the dog up,

he says, uh, we're going inside now, we've got to see uh what's going on, I've got to have a chat to the mayor.

So I uh I just stops there with the dog and he says, uh, oh, if uh don't mind him, if he gets hungry uh get him a bit of sand um

and that would it really

sorry do you mean it you mean a sandwich

you mean a sandwich not sand

or sand

okay so this is quite a I mean no one's ever said this on record before that actually the dog was fed sand

you were feeding the dog sand yeah how how did you get the dog to to eat the sand well it wa to be honest that I have to convince him he was uh oh they left me there.

I had a a bag of it, a big bag on it.

Like, what did you get on the site?

Just a big bag of sand.

And

I said, well, you know, he was looking about him, he was looking around it, sniffing around it.

I says to me, I say, he's going to go for that.

So I opened the sack up.

He just goes for it.

He has the lot.

I've got to say,

the best part of two bags of it, I would say.

Sorry, Terry.

Can I just check?

It definitely said, did it say sand on the back?

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Gosh.

Well, um,

wow, that's pr that's pretty seismic.

Um, what was it like to be there, Terry?

Uh, w when history was made, that pig obviously overtook the dog and became the fastest pig of all time.

Would I watch it?

I never watched it.

I just stopped there with the dog.

Uh, he was on a a lead.

Um, I say a lead, it would it was more of a route, really.

And uh, I waited till my cousin came out with the mayor.

And there was, to be honest, there was quite keen to get him back inside the building.

The mayor, don't even speak to you, don't even look at me.

He just gave me cousin my payment, and then my cousin gave it me.

And then I went back inside and

I left.

And

that's the kind of worms I don't want to open because it sticks with me that because they stitched me up, if I'm being honest.

Oh, really?

What was your payment meant to be?

Well, I'd said as I'd do it for six sausages, right?

So he comes down the mayor with the bag.

He says, here, give this him.

Like I say, don't look at me or nothing.

I says, oh,

I says, thank you, mate.

But he was already going back inside.

My cousin looked annoyed.

I don't know what was going on between them.

And he just gave me the bag and he says, Right, I'll see you later.

So I get some

six sausages.

I'm expecting I open the bag.

Five.

There's five in there.

Five sausages.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

I couldn't believe it.

I could not believe it.

I says, and that's the mayor.

There weren't nobody there, but I says it out loud like to myself.

I says, and that's the mayor.

You don't think.

Sorry, Terry.

You don't think it's possible that perhaps

the dog had eaten one of the sausages because it was so hungry because it hadn't had it.

I am telling you, he was hungry for sausages.

I don't know what was up with him, but all he was interested in was sand.

Right, okay.

You know what?

I'm actually quite s scared.

What?

This is.

What does this mean?

How can

how can this be?

How can

a pig be faster than a

what else can a pig be faster than?

If it can be faster if a pig be faster than a dog, what else can it be faster than?

Can it be faster?

Can it be faster than light?

Can a pig be faster than light?

Can I be seeing a pig and that pig's actually already dead, but the light depicts travelling so fast that it's I'm seeing the pig, but it's not it's not even a light

is it possible that pigs are from the future

is it possible that all pigs are from the future and they've been sent to warn us

and we haven't heeded their bloody warning have we you fools you fools beef 2024

24

let's cast our mind back to march this is the story that bovine anthropologists discovered that cows slut shame each other of course they do

um In one of the most alarming discoveries of the year, researchers from the Bovine Social Unit at the University of Cambridge published shocking research detailing the level of slut-shaming within beef and dairy herds.

The cows appear to target other cows who have more rounded udders, which is seen quite wrongly, I would say, amongst the cows as a way of inviting attention.

What do you make of this, Hanan?

I don't know.

It's complicated, isn't it?

Because, you know, as we see cows evolve more and more

as sort of social creatures, there are unfortunately going to be aspects of this to

interpersonal relations between cows.

And, you know,

we've seen the sort of shaming take on lots of different forms, you know,

shoving from the side, sort of ostracizing.

Or, you know, I did actually, we had an example of one cow trying to trick another cow into eating barbed wire,

which was which is kind of shocking.

That's pretty dark.

That's shocking indeed.

Yes, yes.

But I um I think these are very limited cases, you know, I think this is this isn't something that, you know, something you'd certainly expect, maybe, more of sort of pigs, that sort of thing.

I'm going to just stop you there.

There's actually been quite a lot of research into, yes, of course,

there are anthropological developments in the swine industry as well, but they tend to be a little bit more positive.

Pigs are positive animals.

People look at a pig and they think, oh, lovely, a pig.

That's not what I think.

No, I've quite catch that.

What you can make out of him, you know what I mean?

Exactly.

that's a lovely positive response.

I didn't actually quite catch that, Terry.

What was that, sorry?

What you can make out of them, you know what I mean?

Wonderful, wonderful.

So you're sticking around, are you, Terry?

Ah?

No, it's fine.

You can stick around if you like.

Yeah, I don't.

I got nowhere else to be.

Let's talk solutions then.

Alan, what are people saying can be done about this?

Well, you know, we've heard reports that some well-meaning farmers have taken to covering up the udders,

but then that has received a bit of backlash saying that's that's victim blaming.

You know, it doesn't really get to the root of the problem, which I think is, you know, do we have unrealistic expectations of cows?

You know, they've come to

oh, you degree, you degree that we do.

Well, I mean,

I think you've just sort of proved your own point.

You definitely think

each year we see them outdo themselves and become more and more, you know, luscious.

You know, the udders just get bigger and more sort of firmer and pert.

And so how can they live up to these expectations?

You You know, it's just they're constantly exceeding our expectations.

So, of course, it is going to breed a climate of what's next.

Of competition.

Of competition, absolutely, because these are an elite animal, you know, as opposed to pigs, where it's like there's only the sort of a certain level they can get.

You know, there's very much a sort of glass ceiling or sort of steel ceiling, or you know, just you don't even really need it.

Well, they can't look up, can they?

So, they don't need a ceiling.

But, you know, with cows, they very much are an elite beast.

A sort of Ronaldo animal.

Absolutely, absolutely.

But you're creating competition within them, and

nobody likes Ronaldo.

No, that is a good point.

I met he's a decent bloke.

I met him once.

He's alright.

You met Ronaldo?

He said as he was Ronaldo.

I don't know.

Well, he was up the three crowns in Willenhall, but

he was all right.

Well, there we are.

I'll tell you what I noticed about him.

He was bigger than what you'd think.

I mean, fatness-wise.

But he did have the shirt on.

So.

Oh, with the name on the back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Case closed.

All right.

That sounds like it.

Oh, beef

2024.

24.

Alan, I asked you to bring in your favorite story of the year.

And yeah, you've brought in one from June.

Yes.

Now, this is a little story we covered on Beef Week.

After $90 million worth of cocaine was mixed up with a shipment of bovine antifungal powder.

A Colombian drug baron, Juan Casanava, went undercover in the village of High Shotley in Shropshire to get his product back.

But in unexpected events,

he ended up falling in love with a local milkmaid and developed a genuine passion for rural life.

Now, I've got to tell you, I've got to tell you this now, because this is a funny coincidence.

I've been doing a bit of work for him, actually.

Oh, with Juan?

Oh, yeah.

I've been taking the Ivy off his front wall.

And I've got to say, he is a top bloke.

Now, I'll tell you this much.

When he tells you he's going to give you six sausages, he gives him you.

You get home, you look in the bag.

There's six sausages in there, and I counted them twice.

And you co-signed up for the mayor of Wolverhampton.

Ah?

Clearly.

What does that tell you?

I'm not entirely sure.

Well, have a think.

That this man will give you six sausages?

Yeah.

That the mayor of Wolverhampton's not to be trusted?

That's exactly

Do you want to know?

Do you know the special ingredient in those sausages?

Do you have you heard about the

okay?

Well,

it's actually a bit of an industry secret.

So Juan has got his

own little drove of pigs

and he feeds them purely on a diet of people who've betrayed him.

And that's why his sausages are so tasty.

So, yeah.

They are lovely, actually.

Yeah, but he'll never shortchange you, he'll never give you five ones.

He's just top blow.

Sometimes throws an extra one in there, if you know what I mean.

I mean, he just gives you an extra sausage.

Or the seven pins of arrival.

Could be that.

Yeah.

I mean, lovely guy, by all accounts.

I've not met him yet.

Yes, no, lovely, lovely chap.

Lovely guy.

I actually visited a friend in High Shotley a few months back, and I'm thrilled to say that the villagers have really accepted him as one of their own.

They have no choice.

Well, absolutely.

Yeah, it was a sort of, you know,

well,

I think there's quite a crossover between, you know, gang warfare and sort of village fate sort of uh culture, you know.

So there's there's uh they both value loyalty, uh they both don't take kindly to outsiders and uh very organised.

Very organised.

They uh usually have a shooting range of some sort and they're not afraid to uh feed their rivals to pigs.

Of course, uh you couldn't couldn't feed a rival to a cow because uh it would ruin the cow.

Absolutely.

You know, with a pig, who cares?

Waste of a good cow.

Pigs have a sense of justice, so they know what they should be.

But if they're the sense of justice, wouldn't they, rather than eating the rival of a a drug baron, go to the police and say, hang on, yeah.

They're loyal to their masters, is what I'm saying.

So you're saying they're morally biable?

Well, yeah.

Aren't we all?

I definitely am.

I mean,

some of the things what he's made me do,

I tell you, there's times I want to ask for 12 sausages.

There was a one time, me and Ronaldo, because he's doing a bit of work with me now and all since I met him.

I mean, I don't know what it was we were dumping,

but I would say it was about 12, 13 stone.

Because even, I mean, Ronaldo's a big lad, but he was struggling to carry it.

I had to take it up the canal at about two o'clock in the morning, dump it on somebody else's boat.

Oh my god, the noise it made when we dropped it.

It was like

a big bag of

crisps

and liquid.

Because the sound it made.

I can still hear that sound.

Are you sure it's Ronaldo, Terry?

Yeah, he got the shirt.

Beef 2024.

24.

Let's move on to July.

This one's a bit of a strange story, actually.

King Charles gave his first interview in his capacity as the symbolic head of the beef industry.

And it was a kind of state of the nation address type thing.

You know, the monarch has always been so closely and intimately related with the beef industry so we were interested to see what he had to say um he gave the interview to um i think it was i can't remember actually who it was it was beef week it was uh

guilty we were lucky enough to get that scoop congratulations uh well no thank you uh no we feel very honoured uh yeah well yeah i mean

don't want to pop your balloon but um

We were actually offered the interview, but we turned it down.

Oh, congratulations.

Yeah, because I think we're the first port of call, really, for the Royals when it comes to that.

So So that's interesting, because Charles came to me personally saying, you know, I'd love to.

I'd love to.

Didn't want to hurt your feelings because obviously, you know, you've got quite a high opinion of yourself, so he didn't want to slash you down, you know?

Well, I have a high opinion of Our Majesty the King, and he has a high opinion of beef week.

Well, they came to us first, and unfortunately, we'd already lined up an interview with Enya, so.

Oh, congratulations.

Yeah.

This was the.

Well, it wasn't actually Enya, actually.

No, it might have been Anya.

We're not sure.

We think it might have been an Enya Tribuch

who goes by the name Enya but spells it differently, but we can't work out out how you spell Enya.

Nobody can.

No, and she wears a veil, so it's hard to, you know.

But didn't see me know she had that carrier bag full of service station crisps with a.

I'm not sure, Enya.

Well, you know, Enya's a what are you expecting Enya to eat?

You know, like.

Well, snow, I suppose.

Yeah.

Anyway, this year we were very lucky to have Charles as our cover star.

His Majesty?

Yes, His Majesty.

Well, he does let me call him Charles.

You know, we were friends back

at school.

And, you know, in fact, that's where his relationship with cattle began.

It was a difficult time for him growing up as a boy, but he used to find solace in the Highland cattle there.

You know, if he was having a difficult time at school, he'd go and visit them in the fields.

And, you know, he'd talk to them, stroke their hair, rest his forehead on their forehead.

They had a sort of connection with him.

It was really remarkable to see.

And, you know, in fact, when he left school, he was so sad.

to part ways with them that he instructed his staff to kill and stuff the entire herd so that he could like take them with him throughout difficult times in his life.

You know, I do personally know that, you know, after the death of Diana, he spent a week in mourning just him and his cows, and no one was allowed to, you couldn't even knock on the door.

Alan, it's just so exciting for you.

I can't believe you got this.

Oh, thank you, Vanessa.

It's such a privilege.

I mean, I know we're from different sides of the industry and we represent different parts of the farming community, but I just, what a thrill.

It was wonderful and it felt like, you know, a real blessing.

I feel very, very lucky.

Yeah, and I'll feature with Endy or maybe the End of Tribute Act was actually really good as well.

Yes, yes, I'm sure it was.

And hey, maybe you'll get to interview Charles next year.

One, actually, no.

Oh?

Because actually, we don't think Charles is king.

You don't believe Charles is king of...

No, so this is official, actually.

The Beef and Dairy Network position on this is that Charles disgraced himself to such a degree with his marriage to Diana that he should never have become king.

The crown should have gone to the next eldest male heir.

For us, it's

King Andrew.

King Andrew.

Right.

All hail, King Andrew.

Is he the wrongun?

Beef

2024.

24.

August, the story I've picked is: Bovine Farmers Union urges lawmakers to think twice about cannabis legalization.

The BFU submitted a formal evidence to the government committee investigating potential impacts of cannabis legalization.

And their case was that billions of cows each year could develop cannabis dependencies via passive smoking, secondhand smoke, from midnight tokers, climbing into farmers' fields and having a lovely midnight duob.

Yes.

It's a troubling story, this one, because, you know, there's quite a culture, I'm sorry to say, of teenagers, or they call it highland cowing, where they actually, you know,

let's get a land cow high and just see what we can do with it.

Or blowbacks sort of into this now.

Absolutely.

I mean, I'm sorry to say, you know, because teenagers are less moral than cows, you know.

But they've got the kind of moral complexity of a pig, really.

Yes, I'd say so.

Similar outlook.

Yeah, absolutely.

And they're not to be trusted.

They're not to be, you know.

So, can I be clear, Alan?

You're saying that actually, this is actually worse than what the BFU was saying.

So the BFU was saying that this

sense that maybe people will have a cigarette, a naughty cigarette, and the smoke will drift across the herd and they'll

take in a bit of

a

blowing cannabis.

They are blowing cannabis into

the anuses of cows absolutely it's it's no accident they get on their knees they prize it open and they just they just blow as hard as they can and i actually had a short conversation about this with uh bovine arsvet bob triskothik when a teenager blows uh cannabis smoke into a cow's anus uh which some people term uh hot oxing I gather, it's fantastically dangerous both for the teenager as well as for the cow.

For the teenager, they may be ignorant of the fact that the cow has an extremely complex intestinal and gastric system,

many different chambers, and the nature of the smoke, particularly from a teenager's lungs, can cause a negative pressure effect, which can mean that the teenager's mid and lower face areas are adhesed, suctioned effectively, into the cow's anal area, like a sort of perfectly airtight mask, and that can lead to the suffocation of the teenager.

For the cow, there is some quality of cannabis smoke which is retro-digested on the way through.

By the time it reaches its larynx, it has the same effect that helium has on human beings, and it'll absolutely ruin its moo and devalue the entire herd.

Pretty serious stuff there.

Shivers down your spine, doesn't it?

What have you been hearing, Alan, about the effects of cannabis on cows?

They have a very complex biosystem, cows.

So for even the slightest bit of cannabis will make a cow sort of regress and basically be of similar use as a pig which is a very sad thing to see yeah yeah yeah sort of intellectually subnormal yes absolutely yeah yeah yeah humiliatingly so yeah but that's part of the the pigs outlook is um they've actually been testing this in um in in holland they've been giving pigs cannabis vapes and it's it's really It's really created a lovely atmosphere for the pigs and their farmers alike.

Well, yeah, because I mean, that stands the reason because obviously pigs to begin with, they're dots.

They're dotters.

They're dotted.

That's the sort of mindset of a pig.

Yeah.

And cannabis to that, you know, yeah, it'll chill out.

But you're not, with a cow, you've got this complex and elite animal with an intellect that's being trampled on by cannabis.

But the intellect's already working against it because they're shaming each other.

They're becoming competitive with each other.

I mean, you know, all the evidence points to...

They're ambitious.

They're ambitious creatures.

Yeah, and they're becoming easy.

They're not ashamed of.

Sorry, I agree.

You you know,

it's this, and we create a hierarchy of cows.

A pig literally looks at the ground its entire life.

And it's a simple life that it enjoys and it is happy with.

You should try looking at the ground for a while.

See what you might see.

Oh, pig shit, most likely, if it's at your house.

Or human shit.

Hey, now, come on.

I don't mean at your house.

I mean, just generally.

Round at Ronaldo's.

The amount of shit on the floor, there I know, telling where it's come from.

Beds, cats, social workers,

police.

Beef

2024.

24.

Okay, this is from September.

A story that's close to my heart.

It's about the death of the Bovine Farmers Union's oldest member, Cedric Lebouvier, who died at the ripe old age of 109.

He, I'm proud to say, he was a personal friend of mine.

a wonderful fellow.

And I wondered if I could just spend a bit of time telling, sort of eulogizing, really, and talking about what he managed to do in his life.

Of course.

Cedric was born in France in 1915.

His parents owned an art supply shop in Paris, and he used to say that he could remember selling pencils to Van Gogh as a child.

Wow.

But that's impossible because Van Gogh died in 1890.

And so he was either lying or another possibility is that back then there was somebody posing as Van Gogh, perhaps dressing as him, in a bid to steal free pencils from a child.

And with that sort of thing going on, it's no surprise that at 18 he decided to move to Britain and make his dream of living in Leicestershire a reality when he moved to Market Harborough.

And it was after winning a calf in a raffle that his farming journey began.

He was much loved in farming circles, of course, but what many people don't know is that Cedric balanced his farming commitments with military service, serving in World War II with the RAF, in the Korean War on the side of North Korea, in the Vietnam War for the Viet Cong.

He captained an Argentine battleship during the Falklands conflict, and in the 2010s, he got stuck into ISIS on an entirely freelance basis.

I've got a quote here from his daughter.

She writes, We thought dad would never die, but where the Luftwaffe, the combined military might of the USA, the British Navy, and ISIS failed, tripping over and bonking his head on a bird bath succeeded.

So, a complicated man, certainly.

Did either of you ever meet Cedric?

I met him once,

but I, you know, it was very fleetingly, you know, because I was just on a flight and it had been hijacked.

And so, you know, he was, I couldn't quite fully make out what he was saying.

You know, he was shouting, saying, everybody, get down, get down.

But, you know, he had a little twinkle in his eye.

Was that the Mossad days?

Yes, yes, yes.

That was his Mossad days, I believe.

But, you know, a very

shrewd man.

Very, very, very clever.

Top bloke.

Oh, you knew him?

Yeah.

I'd done a bit of work for him,

I'd say, about 15 years ago.

And, oh, what was I doing now?

Oh,

I was raking out his koi pond.

And

I says, at the end, I says, right, that's done.

He says, oh, he's all owled and everything.

He says, oh, that's thank you.

And he gave me a bag with

six sausages in there.

He says,

So I got him all the way across, back across the Midlands, all the way back in.

Well, I come back, get back in the house.

I opened the bag.

What do you think's in there?

Five sausages.

Five sausages again.

Oh, he's five stuff.

I says, and the and this bloke has lived as long as he has.

I says, what a

I don't even want to tell you what I called him.

I was cursing his name,

but he was a lovely bloke.

Thank you, Terry.

Now, of course, it wasn't only Cedric who was taken from us this year, and I think it's good to have a moment just to mark those who left us from the beef industry this year.

I'm going to read them out.

If you have any memories or any reminiscences of these people,

please do chime in.

So, first of all, Jim Morris, the inventor of the vibrating anti-prolapse glove.

Yes,

sad to see him go.

He's a good friend.

I mean, he helped us, he was pivotal in the research into finding out how we could prevent teenagers from opening up cows' anuses, you know, and his glove was vital in helping that research.

So, you know, I hope he knows whenever I'm down on my knees with my fist off a cow's ass, I think of him.

Archie Waller, disgraced bovine magistrate.

Maybe the less said the better, though.

Yes, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dodgy bloke.

Clean Reese, founder of Reese and Sons Caffeinated Animal Feed.

And that's animal feed that you can put that in a cow, you can put that in a pig, it'll pep them up.

Yes, yes, absolutely.

It's a great product.

Again, being misused by teenagers, you know, sort of

feeding them to each other, feeding them to frogs.

Famously used the slogan, this little piggy goes wee-wee, wee all the way home

after some of my caffeinated animal feed.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it'll make a pig piss, all right.

Oh, absolutely.

And a person.

Next up, Dame Maggie Smith.

Of course, a pedigree shorthorn enthusiast.

She had thousands of them.

Yes, yes.

Running around all over the place.

It was

always a treat to visit Maggie.

Yeah, I shall miss her.

So I'll tell you this much.

Doggy doing no work for her, because if I says I'm going to pay you six sausages, you can bet she won't get them, you.

I tell you, I went there because I had that much mess out of all them animals.

I was there with a rake, going over the whole garden.

It took me four hours.

I says, Here you are.

Here's the bag.

I says, Merry Christmas.

I'm on my way.

I get home.

I open the bag.

You'll never guess how many sausages in there.

Five.

There's five sausages.

Oh, there's five sausages in there.

I says, and hers, a knight of the realm.

I says, I was having a laugh.

I don't even watch

the lady in the van.

Look like a load of shit.

Samantha Whitley, founder of Velvet Glove Bull Semen Extraction Services.

A Titan.

Yes, absolutely.

I mean, there wasn't a cow scrotum she couldn't milk dry.

Oh, absolutely.

No, a lot of cow scrotums have her to thank.

They really do.

Why are you blushing, Helen?

Hmm?

Oh, no.

We,

you know.

Samantha and I had a...

She was a good friend.

Well, we grew up together.

And

when I first met her, she was just a wide-eyed girl with a dream of extracting semen from bulls.

And,

well, I like to think I

played a little part in her research.

Antonio Perez.

I am not sure who that is.

Nope, sorry.

He was a matador.

Oh, yes.

Right, of course.

Manuel Alfaro

doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid.

I don't know who that is, sorry.

He was a matador.

Right.

Hugo Fernandez.

Matador.

Yep.

Carlos Garcia.

A Matador.

Yes, also a Matador.

Diego Higuain.

Matador.

Matador.

Yes, Matador.

Juan Martin.

Okay.

Yep.

Are you aware of Juan Martin, either of you?

No, can't say.

Cross paths now.

He was a matador.

Miguel Torres?

Did either of you know miguel torres was he a matador yes not very good one it turns out uh rafael gomez none of them were it seems um so is he a matador as well yes he was a matador right and finally alejandro gonzalez matador no he was the spanish agricultural minister right

should have known that really

well it's you know it's it's dangerous work you know you never meet an old matador of uh oh sorry i've uh i met him

the uh well the uh the spanish agricultural

minister Alejandro Gonzalez.

He was.

Are you doing a bit of work for him?

I was doing a bit of work for him.

Yeah, he was up at the embassy.

What was I doing now?

Grouting.

And he says, at the end, he says, AR, do you want to try some of these?

I says, what's them?

He says, them sausages.

I says, oh, I says, look, he says, Chorizos, what them are.

I says, oh, yeah.

He says, do you want to trust?

I'll have six on them if I can.

He says, yeah, no problem.

I help him as a bag up.

How many sausage things are in there?

Five.

There's five in there.

I says to him, oh, hang on before I go, so I'm not having this again.

I says, there's five in here.

And he looked at me dead in the eye and he was furious.

And he goes, you've had one of them.

I says, you what?

He says, you've eaten one.

I says, am you joking?

He says, and he's got me by the collar now.

He says, you've had that.

I know you've had it.

I could hear you eating it.

I said, that wasn't me.

And he says, well, it wasn't.

And I says, I don't know.

I says, I've been up there working.

And we're up in each other's faces now.

And he's going, you've had that one.

I says, let go of me.

And he's pushed me off him.

I says,

you can stuff your grouchy up your ass.

And he's laughing now and he's going, ah, you've already done it.

Oh, there's nothing I could have done anyway.

So I goes home and I had the five what was in there.

Right.

And I thought it was a bad day, really.

Okay, thanks, Terry.

I like the Spaniards overall.

Especially Ronaldo.

He's a top one.

Beefy.

2024.

24.

Okay, October.

One that I'm sure you'll have opinions about, Vanessa.

In October, it was reported that more than a million pork farmers worldwide each year are eaten by their own pigs.

We've hit the million.

Yes.

Now, you're much more chipper about this than I thought you might be because this is a.

Can't say I'd be smiling about it personally.

Yeah, I mean, bloody hell.

Well,

what an honour.

What a way to go.

I mean, it's the highest honour in the swine world to be consumed by your own.

Is that right?

By your own pigs.

Yeah.

Shows an absolute, complete mark of respect to the farmer.

Every farmer sort of aspires to it, trying to make themselves look a bit tastier for the pigs throughout the year.

So you're saying the farmers are actually trying to get

a practical level to it because you have to sort of make sure you've got the infrastructure in place after you've gone.

But if it does happen, you really gain the respect of the other pig farmers in the community.

No, I get what you're saying.

You're saying it's a kind of almost like a spiritual thing for it to happen.

Yeah, or they're just giving up that I can't take this anymore, I'm a pig farmer, what's my life become?

And they just lie down and let the pigs, you know, they'll probably pump the pigs full of cannabis and then wait for them to get the munchies and then noble them off.

No, Alan, they don't do it it like that.

That would be altering

the course of fate.

But you know what?

And this is really quite a staggering statistic.

I mean, the fact that there's more than a million pork farmers worldwide are eaten by their own pigs.

So statistically, so how much farmer now are in sausage?

When you eat the sausage, surely you're eating more farmer than you are pig.

No,

that's the highest honour.

That's the farmer providing for his customers in the ultimate sense of the word.

Now, I think the way you're talking about it, Vanessa, is a noble thing, as a wonderful thing.

You know, what about those people who who would point out that if you're eaten by your own pigs, you actually avoid inheritance tax?

Well, I think the inheritance tax is a tricky issue, and I think that all farmers can

agree that that is a problematic thing.

But I can assure you that there is no evidence that this is a tax swindle in any way.

Because that's why Jeremy Clarkson fed himself to a pig.

Well,

that's definitely a scam.

There's been sightings of him since.

So, yeah.

I think.

He might have fed like a sort of Guy Fawkes, like a guy.

Yes.

I think it it was Caleb.

I think he tried to feed Caleb too.

Or James May, maybe.

Yes, yes, yes.

A pig will make short work of Richard Hammond.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

On the mic, absolutely.

Yeah, but that issue aside, tax issues aside, the pig keeping community knows that it's a really high honour.

And, you know,

to be honest,

I'm sorry, Vanessa.

I just think it's quite a stretch.

I think it's quite rich to say that farmers want this to happen.

You know, even I'm sorry, Vanessa.

They don't want it to happen because they're happy with their jobs.

But if it does happen, it's a mark of respect from the pigs.

And I think you should have a bit more respect for the pig industry.

I'm sick of sitting here and having you both lay in to me about how pigs aren't as good, pigs aren't as clever.

Pigs are very happy.

They're happy as pigs in shit.

Well, exactly.

They think that that's the highest thing they have to their name is to be happy that they're rolling around in shit.

I mean, you compare it to, you know,

there's a reason why, you know, millions and millions of people across all sort of world major religions, they worship the cow.

Who's worshiping a pig?

And just look at all the phrases around pig.

It's all negative.

You make a pig's ear of something.

Oh, happy as a pig in shit.

Oh, you're thick as pig shit.

Oh, you know, you're just a pope porking a pig.

It's all that's not well.

A lot of people are using it.

You've just made that up, Alan.

Terry, let me bring you in on this.

Terry, what do you get paid in for most of your jobs?

Ah!

What do you get paid in for most of your jobs?

You don't have to answer this, Terry.

Well,

sausage.

Sausages?

Sausages?

Sausages, yeah?

And what kind of sausages are those?

They're all right, I mean them.

Are they pork sausages?

Are they pork sausages, Terry?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, I'm not a scientist.

I don't know what they're made of.

I mean.

Okay, we know that Juan's sausages were made from pork because they came from his pigs.

We know that the sausages were also

made out of his rivals.

His rivals had been eaten by the pigs, therefore they're pork sausages.

Case closed, but Juan.

Pork's just a transferring mechanism.

They are more human than pig, just like your sausages for the farmers.

I say most sausages now are more human than pig.

But they've been consumed by pigs.

Come on, please show me some respect.

I've not come here to be spoken to like that.

Now, nothing more than a delivery mechanism for cannibalism.

I'm sorry.

That's the case.

Are you going to continue to let him speak to me like this?

Alan, look, I think maybe actually you should apologise to Vanessa.

Look, she's come here at very short notice.

You know.

It was short notice, actually.

Yeah.

Because that guy got hit by a car.

Yeah.

Sorry, but just.

Was that not your first choice?

Vanessa, I am.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

that you have devoted your life to a deeply ignorant beast.

I'm sorry that I'm sitting next to one.

Who me?

Not you, Terry.

You're lovely.

Beef

2024.

24.

Okay, we're getting towards the end of 2024.

It's time for November, only last minute.

Can I just please, can I say, can I please say something?

Uh, yeah, by all means.

I just wanna can I t I wanna

t do a story.

I've got to do a story.

Yeah, no, okay, yeah.

It was

it was the mayor.

It wasn't my fault, I swear it wasn't my fault.

It was the mayor who made me do it.

That dog.

I shouldn't never get it none of that sand.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I was just doing what I was told.

And he says, I've got to get this off my chest now.

The Mary says, you make sure that dog finishes all that sand.

I thought to myself, that doubt seemed right.

But I don't know dogs.

I'm not familiar with them.

And he got through that sand, I'm telling you.

He kept eating it.

I should have stopped him.

And I tell

God will have his vengeance on me.

And

he's doing it in his own way.

I tell you, every time I have one of them bags of sausages, they tell me it's going to be six.

But I know it's going to be five when I look in there.

And I know

I've brought it on myself.

I've brought it on myself through my actions.

I'm nothing.

I'm less than nothing.

I'm a monster.

BF 2024.

24.

Okay, that's all our stories from the year, but let's just round up some of the headlines coming out this week.

Wading cow in the Amazon able to breathe through anus.

Any thoughts on this?

Yes, this is a fascinating story.

I believe the military are very interested at

what this could spell for if they could sort of adapt it for sort of warfare technology.

Scientists closer to the creation of a triple cream.

Yes.

We've been battling away with double now for quite a long time.

Absolutely.

It feels like, yeah, there's a new kid on the block.

It's very exciting.

You know, I think, I know Heston Blumenthal had his part to play.

You know, he's sort of up in his castle, you know, sort of summoning lightning and stuff, saying, I'll do whatever it takes.

And he's getting close.

He's getting close.

Well, I don't wish to trample on that particular fire, but apparently there is quite a lot of

technological research going into the advances in pork cream.

And that is going to be a big news story in 2025.

Yes, once you can knock out all those parasites, it's going to be edible, isn't it?

Just about.

Yeah.

It'll be able to stand up on its own pork cream.

Slide it out of a tube.

Good God.

And final headline: coming in today: Angela Merkel plans new towel.

Finally.

Yes, I think you're saying what we're all thinking there.

She's been using that same old towel, that ratty old thing.

Chuck it away, Angla.

Don't know what the plans are yet for what she's going to go for.

Obviously, she's no longer the Chancellor, so she can maybe go for something a bit more less austere maybe than what she had before it was before it was a kind of grey grey square didn't start off grey ah

yes well they have that you know there's those famous pictures of world leaders at the start of the job and then at the end of the job and you see the picture of the towel right well it's this sparkling clean glorious little thing and at the end it is just this sort of saggy grey rag yeah um well best of luck to you angler if you're listening And thanks to Alan and Vanessa for coming in.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Alan, thank you.

Best of luck with

beef we can keep inflating those figures.

Oh, we will.

Hey, come now.

No, always happy to help the little guy out.

Actually, illegal.

You know, we've got investors like you have, so

that's fraud.

Well, you know, I think you need to check your facts on there, as I've said before.

But, you know, it's a pleasure, as I said, to come down, help the little guy.

And, you know, you've got a lovely, lovely little studio here.

Prick.

Gosh.

Okay, and Vanessa, thank you so much for coming in.

If people would like to sign up for your newsletter, the Swineherds Daily, how would they go about doing that?

Oh, that's very good of you.

They go to the Swineherds Daily website and you can just type in your details there and sign up.

And that's free.

That's five pounds a month.

What?

What?

No way.

For what?

Quality journalism.

Five quid.

Well, thanks for having me.

And Terry,

it's been really nice to meet you.

Oh, I've been loving you as well, yeah.

I've actually

got something with me.

We always have some lying around the office, so you might as well have these.

Here you go.

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, cheers.

I love a lovely bag of sausage.

I tell you, you know, you're all the first way to my heart.

Oh, cheers.

I'll tell you what as well.

I trust you that much.

I even going to check how many's in there now.

I'll check it out, and I know there's going to be the right amount.

And that's good enough for me.

Well, yeah, thanks for coming in, Terry.

Your unique take on the news has been refreshing.

Oh, it's been good to be here.

I'd be lying if I said I knew what was going on most of the while, but

I'm having a good time, man.

It's good to be at the house.

Good.

And why don't we have a look at those sausages?

All right, then.

Let's have a look.

Ah, there's five.

Oh, I knew it.

I knew it.

Oh.

When will you release me from this burden, Christ?

I've sick of it.

I definitely put six in.

I'm sure you did.

I'm sure you did.

It's a you, it's him,

it's God.

So that's all we've got time for this week.

If you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to the website now, where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month we put Irish singing sensation Enya through her paces with a general knowledge quiz.

At least we think it's Enya.

So, until next time, have a very happy beefhead and beef out.

Thanks to Jessica Ransom, George Fouracres, and Michael Clark, and of course Linnea Sage.

Also, thank you to Helen Price, who co-wrote this episode.

And also a recommendation from me.

Helen and Michael, who is in this episode, make a podcast called Everything is News, which I listened to recently and just thought was brilliant.

It is a parody of something you'll know about if you're British, which is the new raft of kind of news podcasts.

I'm talking about things like the news agents and the rest is politics.

It does a great job of skewing those guys.

And in general, it's just very well made and very funny.

So yes, that's everything is news.

Give it a go.

Bye.

Hey, Sydney, you're a physician and the co-host of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, right?

That's true, Justin.

Is it true that our medical history podcast is just as good as a visit to your primary care physician?

No, Justin, that is absolutely not true.

However, our podcast is funny and interesting and a great way to learn about the medical misdeeds of the past, as well as some current, not so legit healthcare fads.

So you're saying that by listening to our podcast, people will feel better?

Sure.

And isn't that the same reason that you go to the doctor?

Well, you could say that.

And our podcast is free?

Yes, it is free.

You heard it here first, folks.

Sawbones, Meryl Turk, Misguided Medicine right here on maximum fun, just as good as going to the doctor.

No, no, no.

Still not just as good as going to the doctor, but pretty good.

It's up there.

Who guests on Jordan Jesse Go?

I mean, we could just list Patton Oswald, Kamal Nadjiani, Maria Bamford, whatever.

We couldn't remember all of them.

So we asked my kids.

Uh, famous people.

How famous?

I don't know, pretty famous.

Uh,

really tiny celebrities who would go on this

train wreck instead of like a big talk show.

There's just a bunch of people on your show.

Jordan Jesse Doe, a comedy show for grown-ups.

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